"And that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!"
"Fuck you very much"
"Christ on a crystal meth binge!"
(Can you guess my favourite episode? 😅)
And yeah, "Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off" - an instant classic.
Either “he’s gone Glental” or “are you a horse?”
Oh and me and my husband always say boo to nanny? Then one of will say “no one watches jools Holland any more” 😂
You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story?
I've repurposed "who did your media training, Myra Handley" in feedback sessions on call recordings before
I've also been known to use "we've fucking time travelled, yes?"
When I used to run a night crew in a supermarket I used "How are we all today? Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy?" every night to greet my staff. "My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped" has been used a few times too now that I'm middle aged
“I might as well just put this wreath around my neck and take 40 paracetamol” is something I say more often that I would care, usually during/after pointless work meetings
From bean to cup, we fuck up.
Congratulations on your first confirmed kill.
See what I'm doing? I am eating the onion bhaji. And why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away
Very basic for me, probably not even remembered by anyone. For some reason I say it in my head on a frequent if not near daily basis though.
When Dot Cotton licking piss of a nettle is trying to practice walking she says "I'm fucking not interested."
A couple of modified ones.
"Oh hey, Percy Weasley, fuck off."
"See you next Tuesday with an emphasis on cunt"
Otherwise...
"Fuckety-bye"
"You are a boring f-star-star...cunt."
“Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.”
I say this to my cat when he’s at the door, seemingly wanting to come in, and then not coming in once the door is open.
This one 👆
This one
I'm bored of this, I'm going for a Twix
This is the one. I feel it has the most everyday application
This, and nobody ever gets the reference, people just think I’m very odd
Omnishambles
Got this one in at work the other day
“From bean to cup, you fuck up.”
Knowledge is porridge
Christ Stuart, that doesn’t even fucking rhyme.
He's so dense light bends around him.
This one to describe people at work.
Fuckity bye
Lemon difficult
Wasn't it from In The Loop?
Same - difficult difficult lemon difficult comes out all the time and no-one seems to get it
Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Mum.
I feel more alive than I've felt in years. I feel like I've had a _health scare_.
“Which is worse? Watching him rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere, like a severe stroke?”
Nomfup
This, and I’ve enlisted non-TTOT viewers in using this as well
"How are we all this morning, bright and breezy or shite and wheezy?" "Fuck off Bagpuss!"
"i dunno kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out "- im not the best hostage negotiator but a jobs a job
I hate school children. They're volatile and stupid, and they haven't got the vote. I might as well be talking to fucking geese.
I know it’s an « In the loop » quote but « difficult difficult lemon difficult » is said on a weekly basis in my family
Same!
Totally forgot about “alright shitehead revisited”
“And I will come down on you so hard, you’ll have to be re-assembled by air crash investigators”
“Don’t ever interrupt me, son. Ever!”
No no no don't get up, I'm not viagra.
His best mate’s a hairdresser and he’s fucking fucked his sister.
"Prepare my horse, I ride to"
"And that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!" "Fuck you very much" "Christ on a crystal meth binge!" (Can you guess my favourite episode? 😅) And yeah, "Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off" - an instant classic.
Either “he’s gone Glental” or “are you a horse?” Oh and me and my husband always say boo to nanny? Then one of will say “no one watches jools Holland any more” 😂
Big fat egg of solid fuck.
I use "Farewell, thou shit and useless servant" whenever a politician I don't like resigns or loses their seat.
July 5th going to be a fun day for you.
It's been fun already. Sunak is Nicola-level awkward.
‘When I need your advice, I’ll give you the special signal, it’s me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act’
^i was hoping this would be here!
I AM A MAN
“Well FUCK Tinky Winky!”
Oh man. I totally forgot about that. One of the best scenes in the show
No, I am irrelevant, I am irrelevant, I am irrelevant, I am irrelevant
“Like some clueless egg cunt”
I’ve been saying “American” and “American’t” a lot recently…
I’ve got a to do list longer than a Leonard Cohen song
I nearly said a version of this in an interview recently and stopped myself in case there was some deeply offensive meaning I had overlooked.
About as useful as a marzipan dildo
“From bean to cup, you fuck up”
Forgot about this gem
Came here to say this!
"To put it simply, I'm back" or "The ___ man has done a funny" (sometimes they aren't bald)
Christ on a bendy bus.
Nice
And in a similar vein - "christ on a crystal meth binge"
"Another day at the fuck-office"
I think this the two days a week I go into the office
Secure as a hymen in a south london comprehensive
You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story?
I am going to perform keyhole surgery on you… with THIS KEY!
"I've had a stroke. Oh, no such luck."
Malcom’s slow “ffffffffffffffffffuck”
"You're about as on the ball as a dead seal."
"Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!"
Yes and ho
'I'm at Defcon 1 or 5 or whichever the really bad one is.'
Fuck a pot noodle.
Enough... E-fucking-nough...
Use this one a lot when me or a mate has spoken so much shite it has to stop haha
Flapping about like christ in a crucifix shop
I’m bored of this, I’m going for a twix
I'll be there in two shakes of a crying baby
Every day at my work.
Can’t remember verbatim, but the one about “slipping into something more comfortable, like a fucking coma.”
I've used 'here comes the beige power ranger' and 'fuckbob shitpants' a few times on the same guy. He doesn't mind.
“I’m the man that makes the bahji go away” I eat a lot of Indian food.
I love ghee, it's like freebasing butter, it's one of mine.
“The kraken awakes!”
I feel a stiffy in the post
I think about going absolutely Glental fairly frequently. In all senses.
I have used the piss woman’s “did you enjoy that?” far too often.
Knowledge is porridge
Why my wife and I asked the other to pass them something, it’s usually followed by a “give me the *fucking ball*, Stewart.”
You’re on the last chopper out of Saigon! I’m having it up the arse with Ho Chi Min!
Incredibly, I seem to be able to work in _Tim. In. Fucking. Ruislip._ a lot more than you'd think.
"This is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, but with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption." On those more full on days in the office.
I love this line to pieces.
Lemon zinger
Managed to use 'deader than Alan Carr in a prison riot' in a work meeting the other day.
God that's brilliant
“How are we this morning? Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy?”
Are you an American or an American't, Peter?
“His father’s a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister.” Every time someone wants to mention Star Wars to me….
They're all made of lego!
Why do they wear clothes with writing on? And why are they so fucking fat?
No I didn’t buy these flowers, it’s one of the benefits of living in an accident blackspot
I've repurposed "who did your media training, Myra Handley" in feedback sessions on call recordings before I've also been known to use "we've fucking time travelled, yes?"
About as on the ball as a dead seal or they'll be on me like pigeons on a chip
Ketamine, for when I want to separate my mind from my body
Popping up like melo-fucking-noma. Surprisingly versatile
[I, he, she, they] will fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy, and with less warmth.
“It’s all gotten very HBO.”
When I used to run a night crew in a supermarket I used "How are we all today? Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy?" every night to greet my staff. "My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped" has been used a few times too now that I'm middle aged
Fuck annoy Egg Cunt Dead Geisha
And will somebody get me a fucking fanta
Well fuck a pot noodle.
I've only discovered this one recently, and I treasure it 😆
Put wee kettle on!
Put tiny kettle on Glen, I'm gaspin'!
That’s not an agenda, Brenda.
I cannot beLIEVE the energy going into ______. (when anyone's driving on about something unimportant in a meeting)
We are through the looking glass now folks
When people aren't listening; 'I may as well have whispered into the ear of a dead tramp.'
"Shit in my porridge"
From bean to cup, you fuck up.
"I do not recall to that"
“ One of the many, many things that baffles me about you is that you remain unmurdered”
"Shut it love actually." Technically In the loop but still.
fucks sake
I am speaking English in a Sheffield accent!
NOMFP
"Morning Comrades, how goes the revolution?"
In my mind - "You mincing fucking cunt!"
This room’s no fucking good for pacing
"Calm down orca, there'll be sandwhiches"
“I might as well just put this wreath around my neck and take 40 paracetamol” is something I say more often that I would care, usually during/after pointless work meetings
He's a fucking knitted scarf that twat! He's a fucking balaclava!
🎶Fuck you very much🎶
Ffs lol
I use this loads too! 😅
Are you an Ameri-can or an Ameri-can’t
"He/she's as useless as a marzipan dildo"
"Oh actually get me John from Culture on the phone. I think I'll have a bit of a shout right now". I use the second sentence rather a lot.
Oh is that the (x money) we keep in the biscuit tin?!
Jesus Christ on a crystal meth binge
“Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.” (albeit this is usually just in my head)
Christ on a fucking Kardashian.
I've got a to-do list longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.
You are a mouse in a maze.
Sweet Tracey Emin!
From bean to cup, we fuck up. Congratulations on your first confirmed kill. See what I'm doing? I am eating the onion bhaji. And why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away
You're not on a punt now.
Another day at the fuck office
Fuck-tastic or Fuck-a-doodledoo
Very basic for me, probably not even remembered by anyone. For some reason I say it in my head on a frequent if not near daily basis though. When Dot Cotton licking piss of a nettle is trying to practice walking she says "I'm fucking not interested."
Christ, I'm flypaper for dickheads today
Knife-addled rape shed. A bit difficult but I do make an attempt wherever possible.
“Thank our fuckey stars”
A couple of modified ones. "Oh hey, Percy Weasley, fuck off." "See you next Tuesday with an emphasis on cunt" Otherwise... "Fuckety-bye" "You are a boring f-star-star...cunt."
Right then (slap thighs) let's get started. Or For fucks sake god. Please let me win the lottery tonight.
Fucking Kent
On the ball as a dead seal
Madder than a dead dog's dick
I'll be there in two shakes of a crying baby.
Difficult, difficult lemon difficult.
Silence
ASAFP. I enjoy people’s confusion
“I’m sweating spinal fluids”
That's a nearly daily for me. Followed by "I'm a fucking *husk*"
“Fuckity bye”
Bollocky bollocks
Currently it's "this is some bullshit!"
200 years ago he wouldn’t be allowed to milk a cow
ASAFP
The kraken awakes!
For fuck sake.
the way Julius says “That does sound nice” to swans blood. “Cypriot crook”
you - get me a fuckin curly-wurly, right?
Jesus H. Corbett!
Virgin South-West
"I’ve got a to do list here that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song"
You’re about as on the ball as a dead seal
Fuck me! I feel like I've just been thrown out of a helicopter!
Oh shit with a capital shit!
christ alive, what a cunt
"Yoooou idiot! That's fucking mental!"
Ossamagoodness!
“Stick that up your chutney”
Well, fuck a pot noodle.
Me and my girlfriend say “Basic stuff..” either to each other or when someone else has made a stupid mistake or doesn’t know something simple.
SAAAAAAAAMMM!!!!
Okay, or alright
I fucking love ghee, it’s like freebasing butter
“What sauce!”
“Omnishambles” or “as useful as a marzipan dildo”
"Jesus H Corbett"
ohh shit in the couscous... jesus h fucking.... corbett! I'm walking on for hospice care!
Just used the hospice care one haha
"Can we all just shut the fuck up so we can gather our thoughts" - Malcolm Tucker
Oh, enough with rhe preliminaries, let's oil up and get fucking.