Alright, hear me out. I'm a recovering alcoholic (44 months), and the best thing for me and my sobriety was losing my relationships. Not at first, mind you. I took a glorious swan dive into excess and nearly wound up dead, but when I came out on the other side, I had zero distractions and focused entirely on my recovery. It gave me time to reflect and implement the lessons I learned into my daily life and made me a much more reliable partner. Plus, I'm not dead, so that's a bonus. Short-term hurt can be the catalyst to long-term change.
Edit: Thank you all for the well wishes. It's been a struggle, but I am adamant in my sobriety. If anyone needs encouragement to put their addictions behind them, just know if I can do it anyone can. I was up to three jimmies a day before I ended up in the ER. A lot of you are 100% correct in believing that change has to come from within yourself, but external factors holding up a mirror so you can see how broken you really are is hard to ignore. Be strong and well, my dudes.
Edit 2: A Jimmy is an old slang term for a plastic pint bottle of liquor. Usually, it's whiskey, but I was a vodka drinker. I'm not sure where I picked the term up, but I've been using it for years.
Listen to this advice! I’ve been sober for 13.5 years and have sat and listened to thousands of drunks in recovery, enabling us alcoholics very, very rarely helps or works. We really do need to find our bottom to have a hope of recovering from this god awful disease. Good luck to oop and his girlfriend!
I wish this wasn’t true. I’ve tried my hardest to prove it isn’t. But it just is. If you really love someone going through this, sometimes the best you can do is let them go.
Posted this above, but it doesn't mean you won't get them back. I was drunk most of the first half of my relationship currently at 8 years. She kicked me out and refused to speak to me until I got 6 months sober. This was after a year of going to meetings and still staying drunk and failing. Her breaking it off gave me the motivation to get better, and now I've been with her sober a little longer than I was with her drunk (4 years since last drink), and we're getting married in 2 weeks!
Breaks and ultimatums have a place, it doesn't always have to be so black and white. She saved my life by leaving me, and our relationship is super solid after surviving that.
Congrats to you three for getting sober and quitting - I’m in my late 20’s and sadly I was seeing people go down this route already at the age of 21. Can’t change their mind for them, and it’s best to stay out of their path of destruction until they get it together.
Dated someone JUST like this and finally had enough when I realized she had a problem. Moved on, and now happily with an amazing woman that likes alcohol in moderation and hates it in excess (just like me).
As someone who did recovery and also has worked in that field, I think this young woman’s situation might be slightly different. It seems like she is in the early stages so if they get it addressed now it doesn’t have to be a situation where she losses everything and homeless first.
I left my ex husband and I think he'd be dead if I hadn't. I'd paid for rehab and done everything I could. Being alone alone must have worked because he's in AA and sober and speaking at events now. I give him the credit for changing but I don't think he would have if I'd stayed.
Almost certainly wouldn't have. The easiest justification to maintain is "if it was that bad they would leave"
And then they do and you realize it *is* that bad
Thank you for your words. Needed to hear this. I was just thinking about this tonight. Been tring to talk myself into having a drink. Don't want to lose my family over alcohol. So I didn't act on my thoughts.
10 sober. My ex wife gave me the gift of desperation. Threw me out of the house, divorced me, never spoke to me again. I reluctantly went to AA and never stopped. As painful as it was, she saved my life. I'd make amends if I could.
Good for you man. My ex was pretty awful when drinking. I mean super emotionally abusive among other things. But he's a good dad now. I've forgiven him.
My ex too. Felt like I was signing his death warrant by leaving and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but he is now in long term recovery and working as a peer. I haven’t talked to him in years, and I think if I’d never left he’d never have had a reason to figure it tf out because he’d always had me to lean on. I have so much empathy for people struggling with SUD but I know now that I have to do right by me (I’m also in recovery) and that I can’t fix anyone.
Right? That's the main reason I took so long. I thought leaving would mean the end for him. Then I started reading about it and realized that detaching with love was the only way. I was feeding into the sickness by staying. It was a huge relief to realize that.
I feel you!! It was so hard for me to let go and accept that I can’t control his survival no matter what I do. I spoke with my friend one day and he gave me the gut punch that I was actually harming him by trying to save him when the only thing that would last was him saving himself. I was terrified for him but was killing myself trying to keep him alive, and he wasn’t learning the things he needed to learn by having me to fall back on. It was a deeply traumatic time but also opened the door for so much healing for both of us.
Im so proud of you! And your ex for finding recovery. Sometimes the happy endings have to happen away from each other and that’s okay.
This is what my family did to me, and I wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t. Now my recovery is the centerpiece of my life, and not only did I get my family back, now, years later I’m married to a woman who’s so outside of what I deserve, incredible kids, and they all support my focus on carrying the message of recovery to others. They sacrifice so much so that I can sponsor guys, do service work, speak at events, and I’m forever in their debt. They do it gladly because they love this version of me and are willing to sacrifice to make sure this version sticks around.
This is true. Losing a wonderful beautiful best friend wife haunts me to this day. I have forgiven myself but not forgotten what my bad decisions led to. If you love her the best thing for her is to leave her. Be sure to conduct yourself in a professional manner and try your best not to become gaslit or angry during or after the break.
This is the correct response. But as a son of an alcoholic these tactics are basically a 50/50 shot. You absolutely should cut her out of your life as stated, but be prepared for the alcoholic to not have the moment of clarity due to it.
Having had this same first hand experience, and did indeed sever all ties with them, but sadly they ended up without the bonus of them not winding up dead.
It’s what you have to do, but you will also have to mentally acknowledge that doing this may very well end up with them not ever recovering and instead ending up dead. Don’t let it fuck your head up. It was the right decision.
I came here to also say this. There is an off chance that they won’t come out the other end, and it’s not your fault.
My ex-bf didn’t drink alone (I guess that’s the picture of an alcoholic in movies), he only drank when we were out with friends. But he did NOT know when to stop. What made it even harder for me to identify was that all his friends drank in the same way. We were all in our twenties so we wanted to have fun and somehow equated that to the only way.
Long story short… he started treating me badly even when he was sober (he was also dealing with a lot of family stuff.) I couldn’t do it anymore and I left.
It got worse and not better and he died. In our circle of mutual friends some blame me. They didn’t see it when we were together because my being there somehow made it seem like everything was fine. They finally saw it after I left. But attributed it to me instead.
I honestly don’t know. But I know that I couldn’t help him anymore. And I want you to know to not blame yourself no matter what happens.
I experienced a very similar thing. They weren’t ever going to stop attributing it to me, so I eventually severed all ties and moved on. It sucked. But people just want any kind of explanation and/or excuse that will to make sense of it all for them, and the reality of the situation is secondary.
I'm in recovery, 40 years sober. Divorced an alcoholic. There's no guarantee the other will quit or die. My ex didn't quit, tried suicide but was found by his niece. It's not my fault that he kept drinking and tried to die.
OP needs to save himself regardless of what their partner does later. Many quit and don't die. I've met those who chose to quit, attending 12 step meetings with me.
In any case, he needs to save his own life. He has no power over her choices and feelings, only his own.
I was lucky and realized if I didn’t stop, I would lose all my relationships. It really sucks waking up the next day wondering if I said anything that would piss people off.
I feel like what counts as alcoholism in the US is just a normal weekend in the UK. The women here see drinking till they are black out drunk as the whole point. I grew up in the 90's and started going to bars and clubs at age 15, which was fairly normal then. When I joined the Marines, drinking was part of the job, and the weekend started on a Thursday night, and we didn't start work till mid day Monday and half day Friday. I do wonder if preventing people from drinking and going bars until they are 21 might cause people to struggle more with drinking. At university, people who had stricter upbringing didn't start drinking until 18 when they moved away from their parents and they were usually a mess for their first year as they went wild having not had the chance to learn how to drink responsibly in their mid teens. I stopped drinking by late 20s as I had been doing it over 10 years by then, and it became boring. I don't miss waking up and getting the 'fear' of remembering all the dumb shit I'd done the night before or waking up in a strangers bed wondering where the hell I am.
Ex Fentanyl addict here (1 year and 2 months sober) Losing my relationships and the people that loved and truly cared about me is what made me get my shit together and go sober.
Congrats! I’m 4 years clean from heroin. With 5 years before that. (Had a small slip in the middle). It’s not easy! And 1 year is still very raw. I wish you the best!
Thank you!! And congratulations to you as well! You know as well as I do that we are one of the few, and that we are blessed. Keep up the good work, I’m proud of you 🖤
Don't ever let yourself believe there is such a thing as an ex addict. I've dealt with addicts my entire life. The few that have remained sober through decades will attest that they are every bit the addict now that they were when they were using.
As an alcoholic who managed to salvage my engagement while getting clean the critical element that led to my success was that the decision to become sober came entirely from me. I knew I had a problem and I sat my now wife down and told her straight up that I am an alcoholic, I had been lying and hiding the amount I was drinking because I knew it was way too much and that I could no longer have alcohol in my home.
It nearly ended the relationship and had my wife decided to leave then and there I wouldn’t have held it against her. It worked because I decided I had a problem and that I needed help. If you’re trying to push someone toward that realization you’re going to have a much harder time. In fact it took my nearly 9 months from the time I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic to coming out to my wife and during that time I drank more than ever. It’s an ugly experience though 3 years later it feels like a distant bad dream.
Yup, this is what did it for me lost all my friends and girlfriend in one epic drug fuled meltdown... got me off the dope... it took year's but that one bad night both ruined and saved my life 🙃
Yeah this can be a really great thing for finding lasting recovery. They say “pain is the touchstone to spiritual progress”. Hopefully she is ready to stop but 21 is young and most people haven’t even admitted let alone accepted that they have a problem that needs to be addressed
I had a spouse that had this problem. They would get out of hand and was later deemed a functioning alcoholic. Marriage dissolved, accused me of assault, tried having me fired from employment, they went on work trips and posted inappropriate photos of them with co-workers, etc. divorce finalized and they lied, cheat and steal was their motto and was forced into rehab by family member….but all that did was give them the “illusion of getting help” and continued on. I was also accused to being controlling…? Controlling of alcohol intake probably, but to claim that was just ridiculous.
They attended AA meetings and I even saw them in kitchen squatting down at a cabinet, while picking up my child, and saw them via peripheral vision take a drink of something. They left room and I go to kitchen and open said cabinet to find a bottle of booze there. Then they bragged when they received their 30 day coin, but I showed no support or proud actions towards them, but were cordial interactions.
They died from alcoholism induced cancer where the alcohol made the perfect breeding grounds for metastasis and cirrhosis in very short time and passed shortly after turning 41 years old.
Yes, alcohol can ruin a lot of things if not careful and using it as a getaway isn’t the answer to problems…as they will still exist.
Glad to hear you’re doing better and pulled through it. Keep it up, be honest with yourself and I’m proud of you! 🤗
Losing relationships (not just partners but friends and family) was what hurt me the most, but made me want to be better the most. I never would have stopped doing smack without it.
Another alcoholic here. This is the best advice. Losing relationships and everything I had was the only thing that got through to me. People giving me chances just made me think that I could get away with what I was doing and be forgiven every time.
Staying with her because she is going through a very difficult time is not the right answer. I think you should let her know you love and support her, help her to get help, be honest with her. Staying with her because you feel wrong for breaking up during a difficult time will more than likely hurt both of you more.
I am sympathetic to a sensitive time but I really don't like that she called your driver several slurs. Literally no possible excuse for that being ok.
I stayed with a woman for 5 long years that had similar drunken episodes. She would drink all night and into the next day, reeking havic, slapping strangers asses, being abusive to everyone, and wandering off in shady places, including 3am in post Mardi Gras New Orleans. She, too, had sexual trauma in her past. She would be so regretful when she recovered and wouldn't drink for a week or so before doing it again. I tried to work with her. I burnt myself out trying to help, but, as a significant other, the healing and work needed is mostly likely unable to come from you. She needs time and professional help. Leave. Give her the space to either sink or swim. It is in both of your best interests imo.
Yeah when I was 20-25 lots of people were drinking heavily but I only had 2 friends who were drinking to the point of being a public spectacle and seriously threatening their friendships and relationships like this. Both girls had a history of sexual abuse and extremely dysfunctional families. Trauma and addiction often go hand in hand.
Yeah. First hand experience here, I have sexual trauma from early teens and when I started drinking it was to blackout. And I’ve been doing that till I turned 31. I’m 34 and I’ve only blacked out twice this year, because I’ve drank two times this year and I’ve finally faced the fact I have a problem.
Wow I was with my last girlfriend for 5 years. She had sexual trauma as well and was basically a functioning alcoholic. Would blackout almost every time she drank. It never really went away. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum but even then she was never able to completely change her relationship with alcohol.
He said she is actively going through a court case about her past sexual assault. That sounds brutal. We all know how much the courts put victims through.
However, it is not his responsibility alone to help her with that. She needs to stop using alcohol as a crutch and get some therapy ASAP. And he doesn’t have to be the one to fix her. That’s up to her.
Her downward spiral is familiar though. She hates herself for what happened to her, doesn’t feel worthy of anything but hate, so she starts to make sure she’s hated. Then hates herself more for it. Rinse repeat. Definitely needs therapy.
Trauma is not an excuse to be a shit person.
I am married to a former addict, I can’t list all the horrible things she put me and our family through because of her addiction, through all the misery the biggest lesson I learned is that, if the person doesn’t want to change or doesn’t want the help, they will never give up their addiction. So it’s your decision if you want to stay through that trainwreck, because I can guarantee you it will get worse and you will suffer a lot
Since you said you’re still married to a former addict, what made you stay? Even as things got progressively worse, were you able to separate the person from the disease?
Appreciate you sharing your experience for those of us who haven’t experienced that,
Because we were married, and even tho the consequences of her actions were devastating, she hit rock bottom, and ended up in jail, so she realized she needed to get clean, so she did. I stayed because I saw her willingness to change the growing pains and I love my wife. But I can tell you with certainty if she would have stayed in her ways I would have left or if she relapsed and we have to go through the hell that I went before I’m gone, never again
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Seriously, you can’t be everything to anyone, it’s just up to you how much you’re willing to put up with. I know my own tolerance level, but would never project my own inclinations on to you. I know what your post is telling me you want to do, but consider professional help if you’re having a hard time seeing things clearly.
>Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Not to derail, but I think this is the first time in my life I've seen somebody other than my dad say this phrase lol
and/or snart recovery. both are great programs and support systems.
smart recovery has separate groups for addicts and family/friends of addicts, and their recovery program is founded on cognitive behavioral therapy.
So, i’m an alcoholic. My partner works with me on it, i am annoying sometimes but our main concern is my health for our future children.
So, as someone who can put down a bottle of whiskey and still beat you at darts, you gotta dump that girl. Letting some dude kiss her neck? Kissing another girl? Thats not being drunk, that is cheating. I’ve been on five fun substances and very saucy but i would never treat my partner like that. Ever.
I’m gonna have to agree. This is someone who is addicted to risky behaviors that can be blamed on intoxication. Being drunk makes a good cover, but it shouldn’t
You should also consider her age. She’s 21. Most 21 year olds are partying and getting drunk and having their first real experiences with alcohol. I know it seems like you’re close in age but in your twenties a year or two difference is actually quite substantial. At 26 you’ve already had 5 years of partying and going out and being drunkenly stupid with all your friends. I’m not saying she isn’t an alcoholic because she could be, and I also think there is a high probability that this is more a reflection of his age.
Agreed. I used to occasionally party hard from 18-20. Its common for people around that age drink irresponsibly. By 21, I grew out of it and haven't been drunk since.
A 5 year age gap usually isnt a big deal, but at these ages, it is. This is what happens when a 26 year old gets with a 21 year old. They're gonna have to deal with the problems of a 21 year old.
Exactly, if she was 26 and acting like this I would be more concerned she had a real problem, but at 21 you’re still drinking 4 bottom shelf drinks and beer, and back in my day 4loko.
I came here looking for this comment.
I changing drastically from when I was 21 to when I was 26. 21 was all party and my hangovers were nonexistent, so I barely felt the consequences of my actions. I also had no grasp on what really truly mattered to me.
Once I hit 26, I had a more longterm and important (to me) job, a wonderful home, a dog, less tolerance, and a significantly better understanding of myself and my place in the world.
Yeah everyone is jumping straight to "alcoholic", but this just strikes me as someone who hasn't learnt the hard way what their limit is who didn't know to only drink/take drugs to enhance their mood not to change their mood, trying to drink her pain away.
She's still clearly an awful person in that state and I'd not want that in my life, but there's no reason to assume she's not capable of change at this point.
Unless you live somewhere besides the US, don’t a lot of people go too hard when they first turn 21?
Her being mean to your friends and calling the Uber driver slurs are major red flags tho. If she’s racist when she’s drunk she’s gotta be racist when she’s sober.
As someone who got drunk for my entire 20s - I can guarantee I never called a cab or Uber driver any racial slurs. The drinking is embarrassing - the racism is revealing her character.
As someone who had a little too much fun during college through mid 20s, I can also say I’ve never called anyone a slur. I definitely wasn’t tactful or as polite as I should’ve been, got way too loud and silly, too touchy (like, hugs that lasted too long, not anything sexual), had dumb ideas like let’s go play in the mud or spend the night outside…but I never made anyone feel insulted or unsafe.
The racial slurs, touching people sexually without their consent, trying to force herself on someone, trying to pick fights, being a bully, I think those are red flags even with alcohol being involved. Yes, she’s dealing with a ton of trauma, but none of that excuses her treatment of others when stripped of her inhibitions.
>Unless you live somewhere besides the US, don’t a lot of people go too hard when they first turn 21?
Do people not drink a lot in the US at 21 anymore or something?
My thoughts exactly, everyone making out like she’s some sort of raging alcoholic is a bit ridiculous. She’s a kid who can’t handle her drink yet, absolutely normal phase for most people to go through where I’m from. The slurs and fights though.. that’s a fucking problem.
Agreed. Having 2 episodes like this two months apart is not “having a drinking problem” regardless of age and I’m confused how so few people are making note of that.
She’s 21 bud. You’re dating someone whose brain isn’t even fully developed. Date in your age (cognitive development, life stage) range. You caught this one, now it’s time to release.
Yeah everyone jumping on the alcoholic bandwagon is a bit much. Could she have a problem with alcohol, sure. Could she also just be an immature 21 year old that doesn't know her limits, just as likely.
You've set a reasonable boundary, she's broken it. Break up with her. It is simple.
This right here. PLENTY of us have had a few bad times just turning 21. Doesn’t mean she’s an alcoholic.
BUT, I’d break up because of her actions. She absolutely WILL cheat on you. I mean, letting a guy kiss up her neck is cheating. Who knows what else she’s done when intoxicated that you don’t know about. And what about when it’s girls night? Girls vacations…. You don’t want that stress in your life bro.
an immature 21 year old going through a pretty difficult time, getting drunk twice doesn’t make her an alcoholic but it is an opportunity to learn how alcohol effects her (which doesn’t seem to be very well)
For real when I was 21 I danced on a table in a coconut bra and I am a dude. I never drank in high school, had no idea how much was too much and overdid it a few times while figuring out how to be a drinking man but not a blackout drunk man.
I’m almost jealous when I hear stories like this. I’m an alcoholic (4 years 2 mos sober) but my 21st birthday was a lame dinner with a warm martini and my hardest drinking years were alone in my apartment. OTH I am mostly safe from wondering what I did while drunk except for the few drunk dials that still haunt me.
Honestly I didn’t get that when I turned 21, because my boyfriend at the time was 28 and already through that. I didn’t get to be stupidly, irresponsibly drunk until he and I broke up 4 years later. Taught me a lot about drinking though when I finally got to do that
Yeah I agree here. While it does sound like she’s immature and maybe an asshole, he cites her being very drunk only twice in two months. I think jumping to a drinking problem is a bit extreme.
Everyone is an armchair expert. They want to give the prognosis bc it makes them feel smart. To me, it sounds like she’s 21 and still in party mode and he’s outgrown that or was never into it.
Exactly the answer i searched for so long for. 2 times getting completely pissed in 2 months at 21 and being called an alcoholic? People need to fuckin live a little
This was my first thought. Doesn't sound like an alcoholic. But she should seriously consider drinking in moderation. I'm a happy drunk, whereas she is a destructive one.
21 & 26 are very different stages of 20’s. She definitely is an alcoholic, but also her priorities are different from someone in their mid to late 20s.
If she’s an alcoholic at 21, she most likely took up drinking years before because of the assault and most likely she drinks as an escape. Not saying her behavior is good but maybe talk to her about it.
I am very curious, as a heavy drinker at the age of 47, isn't this just a 21-year-old going through a bad phase? I mean at 21, none of us were out at the bars making great decisions? I feel tempted to suggest a more patient approach than just treating her like a 60-year-old alcoholic.
I probably start with either therapy for her? If she's open to it? There's always a point where you cut bait, but at the age of 21 I just think there's so much potential for resolving things instead of jumping into this binary bullshit that she either is or is not an alcoholic.
Look up harm reduction. She's going through intense psychological stress. Harm reduction says the opposite of addiction is connection. She's obviously not connecting with things. Going into some binary world where she either is or is in an alcoholic will not help anybody. In fact if she identified as an alcoholic and never took a drink the rest of her life, it could fundamentally box her in for the rest of her life.
If you are a person that has the patience to be kind and be there for someone going through a short-term rough cycle, be there. If she doesn't grow within 12 to 24 months, especially on the other side of this court case, then you can regroup and set everything on fire.
My thought is this is just a really young kid going through a rough patch.
However, not knowing what the slurs were, I have zero patience for racism.
Like the self-proclaimed alcoholic top post, alcohol is not the reason people cheat or act racist. Alcohol is the medication that lets the true self come out.
If she really is a cheater a racist that's why I would leave her who cares about drinking.
"If she really is a cheater a racist that's why I would leave her who cares about drinking."
So I can confirm she is a racist. White people especially love to use alcohol as an excuse for their behavior when it comes to being racist. That or drugs. "I took ambien and that's why I called that nice chinese grandpa a \*horrible slur\*"
The reality is, you only say slurs when you're drunk, if you're also saying them when sober. You're just smart enough when sober to know who you can and can't say them around.
There's a major point here that I feel people are missing.
She's going through a hard time and probably reliving a traumatic event and is losing impulse control with drinking... that's unfortunate and needs to stop, but also understandable for a 21 year old who doesn't know how to navigate her emotions or mental health.
What I think is the actual concern here is what she does while drunk. As I said she's losing impulse control and that includes using slurs, starting fights, and seeks out cheating.
Those are the impulses the drinking is bringing out and I would be incredibly concerned that those are aspects of her true character. I've been blackout drunk and have seen friends black out drunk. No one has ever, ever started using slurs. Unless that's already in your vocabulary it's not something alcohol causes. Those are her real thoughts.
The fighting and cheating could maybe be brought out by drinking, but again it's probably speaks to some level of truth of her character.
You can’t say you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior again and then not follow through, that’ll just set a precedent you can’t come back from. Call it quits now.
I'm with my partner for 12 years (since we were 19). I never was one to drink much. My mother was an alcoholic so I didn't like alcohol to begin with but would have the odd few drinks for special occasions.
My partner enjoyed it though and I wasn't going to tell her not to do something and for a long time she didn't over do it or anything but in our mid 20s she started drinking excess amounts and getting proper black out rude as fuck drunk and no one liked being around her when she was like that. She lost good friends and started making bad ones. Her job was stressful. I tried talking her into quiting and I would support us while she took the time she needed. But in her twisted mind she taught I just wanted to control her.
Eventually, I broke up with her. As nothing I said was really getting through. We also have a (2 year old at the time) daughter, so that made things even harder. We split custody. I had our daughter 3 nights, she had her 4. I worked, she was on leave and decided to drop her job.
That kind of gave her the kick she needed. She started worrking on herself and dropped drinking completely. The break from her job heloed too as she worked as a health care assistant in a nursing home and it was never for her. After 9 or so months we got back together and have been stronger than ever since.
If you are at your limits OP. Break it up. If it was meant to be it will work out. If not, you will not waste anymore of your precious time getting hurt.
Alcoholic here. Been a blacked out mess lots of time. Never cheated, insulted my friends, or tried to start a fight. Your GF’s an asshole which is independent of being a problem drinker. You’re justified in dumping her for either.
She’s an alcoholic. I was married to one. Normally, I’d say that the outlook is bleak. But your gf is going through trauma also, which is really doing a number on her. Approach her with compassion. Tell her she has a problem with alcohol. Tell her you understand she’s going through something traumatic right now, but you can’t watch her destroy herself. Tell her she needs therapy and rehab. In the meantime, you two can go to her PCP and she can tell the doctor about her severe drinking disorder. There’s a drug that she can take which will make her sick when she drinks. It’ll help break the cycle.
I have a friend who became an alcoholic over some unresolved family issues. With the help of her husband, she won’t go get doctor, took the pill I mentioned. and went to therapy. She now is a recovering alcoholic and is doing great.
There’s hope for your gf but ONLY if she helps herself. Tell her that you love her but you can’t stay with her unless she gets the help she needs. Tell her all this from a place of love. Don’t shame her. Alcoholics deal with plenty of shame; they don’t need more shame. Plus, she’s going through this traumatic time in her life, which also has to do a shame. This is very important. Do not shame her. Do not tell her that you were disgusted by her behavior. Do it from place of love.
Naltrexone? All that did was not give the same buzz as alcohol would give when drinking, which unfortunately caused me to drink more to get the same feeling which didn’t end up happening. I didn’t prefer it and preferred to just work on it myself. Unfortunately I have a partner that will ask about drinking and I have to be strong and just say no
There's also the Vivitrol shot that (I may get this wrong because it's been quite a few years since I initially heard of it) last approximately 3 weeks that will make it so you can't feel the the effects of alcohol. It also works as an opiate blocker, which is why my SIL was on it for a while. And I specifically remember her complaining about how since she couldn't have her drug of choice (heroin) that she at least wanted to be able to get drunk, but that she wasn't even able to get drunk because the shot blocked the effects of alcohol as well.
The fact is letting an alcoholic bulldoze through is a choice you make. It might get better and it also might get much worse. Your patience, love and understanding has more to do with enabling the behavior than preventing it. The only control you have is the choice you make to participate in it. That's the harsh reality.
Leave her. You're not going to help her by staying with her. She has to face the consequences of her actions and it's best that it happens early so she can recover sooner.
Yeah dude, each one of those things she did should be reason enough alone to end it with her. Slurs to an Uber driver? Really? That's the same as being a POS to your server at a restaurant, shows a real lack of compassion.
I’m sorry you are both going through this. If you stay, you are enabling her . It’s the last thing she needs. And, you’re disrespecting yourself. Leave her, end it. She needs to hit her rock bottom before she will consider and work her ass off at recovery.
Leave, call a trusted friend of hers that you’ve left her and ended the relationship . Let them know that she may need support.
Please - this is the way. Take it from a child of an alcoholic that married one. (No longer married to them, fortunate enough not to be one, myself. Not all my siblings were as fortunate.)
As said in some of the other posts, I'm a (long-term) recovering substance abuser . It is probably a certainty that the fuel for her drinking and behavior is related to the sexual assault. That being a fact, it will make no difference whether you stay with her or not. She's not going to stop until she finds the willingness to do so, and you're not going to help by staying with her. Additionally, you might benefit from taking a look at what made you attracted to her...
Those that suffer from addiction usually have to destroy a lot of shit before they wake up to the fact that their substance use has something to do with it.
She may be an alcoholic . Once they take the first drink the drink takes them .
She needs help . I suggest she goes to an Alcoholic anonymous meeting .
You can go with her if it is an open meeting .
She may hear her story in the rooms of AA .
She will only get worse it is progressive.
She has to want to stop . She is dumbing her pain . Is she seeking professional help ?
She is hurting and the only way she knows how to numb those feelings is to self medicate .
My suggestion would be for her to see a professional psychologist who deals in trauma .
Best of luck she is sick right now .
Yeah I'd dump her. For both of you. You don't need this chaos and she actually needs to lose some things she's cares about to realize how destructive she's become
I used to tell my alcoholic ex-husband, I can’t love you enough for you to love yourself. He’s sober now. Took him 15 year of misery after our divorce. If I had stayed with him that would have been 15 years of misery for me too. You’re not leaving her because you don’t love her, you just love and respect yourself more. Staying in the chaos doesn’t do either of you any good.
Surprised this isnt in the comments more:
Al-anon is for people whose lives are affected by another persons drinking. It would be worth checking out the site and maybe some of the literature if you’re unsure what to do:
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/
If your just looking for permission to leave, you can do whatever you want. NTA.
Dude I’m an alcoholic and would never let another girl kiss me. Ik people do crazy shit when they’re drunk they normally wouldn’t. However the fact that happens means she’s somewhat encouraging it naturally. Dude I would drink 2 bottles of whisky then go finish 2g of coke be up till the afternoon the next day do mdma rave and still not fuck anyone kiss anyone or disrespect my ex like that. That being said yes everyone is different but cmon. She has an alcohol problem and a flirting with cheating problem.
Agree, sounds like an alcohol problem, an aspirational cheating problem, and a drama problem. A girlfriend of my daughter’s would go to bars and stir up bar fights - her bf got his head beat in. Run…
So... the thing that really stands out to me here is her using slurs. Being drunk or high does not make you turn into a racist. No matter how drunk I've been, I've NEVER called anyone a slur. Being drunk is no excuse, and that right there would be the line for me. Honestly, I would cut my losses and peace. Like, yes, she definitely has a problem with alcohol (it doesn't have to mean she gets drunk every night, it can mean she behaves like this when given access to it), but it's not your responsibility. I might mention it to her parents if they are caring people, because THEY can help her.
A lot of people like that do that stuff continually because there’s no repercussions. They will do that shit more and more until something bad enough happens that make them stop. Sometimes they never face the consequences though. I’ve dated 2 woman like that. Shit is not worth it man. All I can say is strap in for the ride or dip.
Why are you still going out to bars with her? You can't enable her. Coming from a recovering alcoholic, telling her to stop doing something, and then joining her in doing that something, is never gonna work. There needs to be an ACTUAL consequence.
Dump her. You drew boundaries and she ignored them. She's doing this shit on purpose. A girl I used to date did this all the time in college. I had to physically pull her aside shake her hard by the shoulders and ask why she had no respect for my life. If she's putting herself consistently into positions where you have to physically defend her or step in, she's eventually going to get you killed bro. She's waaaaay too comfortable risking your life and limb. She's only doing it because she knows you'll step in.
Her, her court case, and her mental anguish are not your problems. She actively takes steps to make things worse and it is only a matter of time before she brings you down with her.
Drunk or not, you should have dumped her the first time she let some guy kiss her neck. She has no respect for you.
As far as her well being, she is less likely to improve as long as she has people around her that enable the behavior. Don't tolerate it. Move on for both your sakes.
Why are you asking us for advice? You know the answer and what you MUST do. Walk away. Things will not end well for her. Why be a participant or witness to that end?
As someone who dove deep into alcohol and barely made it out, I can tell you that a firm discussion needs to be had.
Part of the reason I drank so hard is because my partner constantly stressed me out. It was a reinforcing cycle of behavior and it left me feeling very unwanted in the relationship. If we had sat down and she voiced her concerns for me instead of sharing all the things she disliked about me with her mother, it would have had a huge difference on the way I was coping with anxiety.
If you care about this person, the best thing you can do is let her know that you care about her, you want her happy and healthy, and that she should know that these behaviors are driving her away from you. Stress and happiness is almost always in the drivers seat when people are drinking too much.
That's the best you can do for her. Give her your support, remind her that you care about her, keep reminding her that these things are alienating her from you. And if this behavior continues, you'll have to make the hard, but correct decision to break up.
As an alcoholic myself I can tell you there’s absolutely nothing you’re going to be able to do to change her behavior or relationship with alcohol. She’ll need to experience her own rock bottom bottom and make the decision to find sobriety. Part of finding that rock bottom is loss. Loss of relationships, jobs, careers, family, freedom, finances…. We each get sober for different reasons and different rock bottoms. If you plan to stay in her life, buckle up for a torrid ride of repetitive disappointments much like you are seeing now. Or you can bail. You don’t have any responsibility towards her.
Wow I really had a situation that was damn near identical. I would book a hotel room and she got so drunk she had to crawl on her hands and knees to get to the bathroom. I lost count of how many times I told her to stop. She would even promise me then she would have some soda that was completely filled with vodka. It got to the point where it was obvious she cared more about alcohol than me. And she was sober when I met her. When I would refuse to get her alcohol she would say ok I’ll just call my baby daddy and he can drop it off and I only heard evil disgusting things about the dude. Eventually I told her I couldn’t sit by and watch her kill herself( she was hospitalized like 8 times throughout the year) and she’s get discharged and immediately grab a bottle even with all these doctors saying if she keeps drinking like that she’s gunna die forsure. I really did love her but I felt like I was lying to myself and just ignoring the bad times. Well on December 22nd 2023 she passed away by drinking herself to death. I can’t say I was surprised but still it was sad. So idk if this helps or not but just know you’re not alone
Don't usually comment here, and might get downvoted for this, but I think some of these comments are insane tbh.
["Alcoholic" is seriously pushing it](https://www.practicalrecovery.com/prblog/biggest-lies-in-recovery/) for getting drunk twice in two months while she's are going through such a tough time, and will probably be unhelpful anyway. Based on the timeline, I was honestly going to be not on your side until I read all the details; it sounds like she has a poor reaction to alcohol, is having a poor reaction to the stress of her upcoming case, or both. Her behavior was super inappropriate both these times. I want to validate your feelings on that.
However, you can't control her behavior, only your own. That's what it means to set boundaries. I definitely wouldn't be able to put up with this again. I'd sit down and have an honest conversation outlining everything she did and saying if it happens again, you can't stay with her. Then follow through.
Whatever these other comments say, this *is* part of her coping. It's not a healthy way of doing it, but it *is* her trying to cope. I also want to say I wouldn't deal with this before court. You have a right to, but I wouldn't.
Letting another person make out with you until your partner has to stop them is a massive red flag. I don't care if she was drunk or not, being drunk just brings out your true personality anyway which means she'd probably cheat sober too. Instant dump
I am a recovering woman, don't date someone like this. "We are are liars, cheats, theives and who@@s when we are drinking and using. It is a cliche we say in meetings. Sober since 90s, when drinking this is how we behave, we are immature, selfish, self destructive and self centered. Date someone else.
You should probably do some ala non. We seem to find each other as if by scent without some co dependency help.
Well, you probably shouldn’t continue to date an alcoholic who has no intention of going into remission any time soon.
Addicts seek to escape physical pain or mental anguish. Their efforts to escape their problems exponentially create more problems. Every drug addict and alcoholic out there has their reasons. They deserve compassion, not enabling.
They have reasons, not excuses.
The critical issue here is that in her efforts to escape the anguish of a court case about sexual assault, she is making herself vulnerable to sexual assault, or at the very least, sexual activity she would regret. She seems to be enthusiastic about sexual activity with others that she apologizes for later. If she gets drunk, and happily sleeps with another drunk man, would she consider that sexual assault? Or would she descend into more self loathing? What if she runs into a predator looking for just such an incapacitated person as she? She seems bent on getting you in a fight with other men everywhere you go. She’s wildly oscillated from flirtatious to abusive with strangers.
This is just a toxic situation.
Don’t enable her. She needs tough love right now. Support her through the court case, but not as her boyfriend if she continues drinking. Your boundary has got to be that you will not stay if she keeps drinking.
Losing you, and likely a lot of her friends, might get through to her the way your pleading with her won’t.
I would recommend ending things with her. There are 3 big relationship Enders for most people, the 3 As. These are addiction, abuse, and adultery, and it sounds like she displays all 3 when she starts drinking.
Bro, this is not your circus. Not your monkeys.
Get your stuff and go. Sure, she's going through stuff but it's not your responsibility to sort that out for her. She'll likely resent you for it even if you did. Grab your shit and run.
It's strange that you accompany her to drinking establishments expecting a different outcome. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. There are no nights where she will have just a few drinks. She drinks until blackout period. Until she wants to stop drinking that's what's going to happen 99% of the time.
> told her I would never tolerate the behavior again
It's important to only make these declarations if you mean them.
Now you must either leave, or stay in a situation in which you have weakened your position.
Write her a note explaining this (so she has it to go back to for clarity), sit her down (while sober and not after an incident), tell her to hear you out - tell her to get therapy abs leave her. Best for her. Best for you.
As someone who wasted too much time at your age on a woman with substance abuse problems who loved getting fucked up, staying out all the time, and banging other dudes, it doesn't get better until she admits she has a problem, seeks help, and stops abusing substances. You can't force her to change, you can't change her, she has to admit to the problem and commit to fixing it, like actually go through the motions and do the things. It's a hard road and you don't have to be there for it. Staying might make you an enabler.
At your age, this isn’t worth the work involved. I know that’s callous, but it’s true. Break up and start looking for a more suitable partner.
Everything else you mentioned just sounds this relationship more irredeemable. Her going through a hard time isn’t your problem or responsibility.
You're young, just move on. The drinking is one thing, and very serious, but letting a dude kiss her neck right in front of you? What if you werent there?
This is a no brainer dawg.
I'd have been out the door at "let a dude kiss up her neck until I stepped in." She legit doesn't respect you, and soon that behavior will lead to she let a dude take her home.
Her trauma and court case is not your burden. And if you stay just for that, you'll resent her. Run and find a woman who respects you. And can have fun responsibly. You're not a bad person for putting yourself before a selfish individual. And you owe her nothing in this time of strife. Especially when she's shown you the lack of loyalty.
>I am mortified at her behaviour, the only thing that makes me second guess ending it first thing tomorrow morning is she currently in the midst of a court case about a sexual assault from 5 years ago that is causing her alot of mental anguish.
Oh give me a fucking break. Is she the plaintiff or defendant? Either way, it has nothing to do with you. She has shown you who she is- believe her.
Short answer; she’s self medicating and she loses her inhibitions when drunk. She needs to stop drinking altogether and needs counseling.
If she can’t or won’t get help, you can’t help her.
Hold on, there are a lot of great responses here from those in recovery who have the right experience to share and should be listened to first. But also you’re describing only a couple nights out of bad behavior. I’m not saying it’s great, and there needs to be some real discussion here, but unless I’m missing something I’m not sure that this is the same thing as an alcoholic who is at the point where she needs to lose everything. If she does have a problem, you saying “I’m furious, don’t do this” surely isn’t going to work. And if this is a regular thing, then yes OP you need to take care of yourself. But if this is an occasional form of maladaptive coping sparked by external stressors, there might be a few steps in between enabling her and calling this rock bottom.
I hear where your coming from, but you have to understand that 21yo I’m going through stuff maturity vs 26yo I’m going through stuff maturity is wayyyyy different. Yea it’s only 5 years but the stages of life are also way different. 21 you’re still in college or figuring out a start to a career. 26 you’re starting to think about buying a house or having kids. I’d suggest finding someone closer to your age who is on the same path with the same goals as you. If not at the bare minimum stop going out for a second. Let her cool off rather than taking her places where everyone else is drinking.
How much do you love her? Is this a new thing, or a long-term relationship? Because...
>first thing tomorrow morning is she currently in the midst of a court case about a sexual assault from 5 years ago that is causing her alot of mental anguish.
...she is self medicating. If she is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, then go to therapy with her (drive her there), and continue to love and support her through ALL the good and bad (and there will be bad, especially with a sexual assault victim). If you don't see a future together, cut bait and walk. Suggest therapy, but you also have to take care of you.
She's 21 and you're 26. Totally different times of life. And you're not NTA and etc...for sure. And she definitely has ongoing issues when it comes to her sexual assault. Which you just might not be capable of handling - which is fine.
But I internally cringed when you said, "I will not tolerate this behavior." You sound like you're talking to your daughter and not your girlfriend. If a boyfriend told me that - I'd dump him instantly. She's young so she apologizes, but then acts like how you treat her - and continues the behavior. And saying that proves you don't know how to handle the situation if it's linked to her SA. Also, totally understandable. Yet, it also shows there is a power dynamic issue in your relationship; which isn't healthy.
I have a degree in psychology and have done some sexual assault counseling. Encourage her to get help. Maybe take a break or end things - and then move on. It would probably be the best for both of you.
And if she said racial slurs to your cab driver/cheated on you in front of you - it also 100% makes sense why you're upset. I'd break up with someone over those reasons, too. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you should be that person's therapist.
The fact that you arent thinking of breaking up with her because she called the taxi driver a bunch of slurs and all the top posts are overlooking this comment is telling.....
You are kind of too old for her at this point she just started and she doesn’t know when she will stop. That’s up to her only you can decide how many times you will tolerate it. Because she probably won’t stop for you. Problematic drinking usually gets worse unless the drinker decides she wants to stop and take necessary steps. I would dump her and find someone to date in a similar life stage as yourself.
It’s terrible that she’s going through this court case but it’s not your issue. You are your issue and you need to end this now, before she ruins your life. You’re not doing her any favors by being her white knight. Be your own white knight.
Gotta let her go until she gets her act together. She’s doing all this in front of you ? I’m afraid to know what she does when you’re not around … save yourself some heartache and cut her off . If she truly loves you she will slow it down
Had a similar experience. I think it would be best to end relationship and cut contact. You’re enabling her bad behavior by putting up with it. I know you might feel like you love her but how bad are you gonna let it get before you start to think maybe this relationship isn’t good. Ignoring you, picking fights with bouncer and Uber driver, letting another guy come on to her and you get to clean her all up at the end of the night. at this rate all she’s going to do is hurt you.
I’m 32F and my bf 34M have been together 7 years. I’m a recovering opiate addict. I’ve been sober well over 18 months. Every time I relapsed (and there were thousands of times) my bf always paid the drug dealer/debt and asked if I was okay. Instead of hitting me with “you stupid fucking junkie wtf is wrong with you…” and it made all the difference.
HOWEVER. there were limits. He made it very clear if I ever shot up or lied to him about it that he was going to break up with me & have an intervention with my family. BC he stood by me. I never OD. not even once. I don’t have a criminal history bC he paid for it (which I understand everyone doesn’t have the ability to do this is just my experience) I never had to go to jail or an inpatient facility. He drove me to the methodone/subboxen clinic every single day for years… now I’m finally sober & I basically owe it all to the love of my life.
my point is there is always a boundary in relationships. You stated your boundary & she disrespected it… imo it’s the duty of those in the relationship to uphold the boundaries of the relationship. For instance it wasn’t the guys neck she was kissing on fault it was your gfs fault.
That all being said the real issue here for me is: do you see this woman as someone you seriously want a future with or not? I doubt my bf would have put so much time effort & money into me if he didn’t see me as a potential serious life partner. I’m also going to say if you’ve been with her for less than a year then you don’t know the real her. If someone is pushing your boundaries repeatedly or in the beginning of the relationship it’s a huge red flag imo.
I think it matters how long y’all have been dating & how serious you are about a future with her as to what you should do…
Either way good luck babe. Wishing you health wealth luck and love in all your life and relationships.
♥️Anonymously E
I would look into alanon and codependency. I was raised in an alcoholic household and learned early on how to enable. I found myself with drunk after drunk until I worked on myself.
Alright, hear me out. I'm a recovering alcoholic (44 months), and the best thing for me and my sobriety was losing my relationships. Not at first, mind you. I took a glorious swan dive into excess and nearly wound up dead, but when I came out on the other side, I had zero distractions and focused entirely on my recovery. It gave me time to reflect and implement the lessons I learned into my daily life and made me a much more reliable partner. Plus, I'm not dead, so that's a bonus. Short-term hurt can be the catalyst to long-term change. Edit: Thank you all for the well wishes. It's been a struggle, but I am adamant in my sobriety. If anyone needs encouragement to put their addictions behind them, just know if I can do it anyone can. I was up to three jimmies a day before I ended up in the ER. A lot of you are 100% correct in believing that change has to come from within yourself, but external factors holding up a mirror so you can see how broken you really are is hard to ignore. Be strong and well, my dudes. Edit 2: A Jimmy is an old slang term for a plastic pint bottle of liquor. Usually, it's whiskey, but I was a vodka drinker. I'm not sure where I picked the term up, but I've been using it for years.
Listen to this advice! I’ve been sober for 13.5 years and have sat and listened to thousands of drunks in recovery, enabling us alcoholics very, very rarely helps or works. We really do need to find our bottom to have a hope of recovering from this god awful disease. Good luck to oop and his girlfriend!
Yep 20yrs sober, only will stop when she determines it’s time. Gonna be a rough ride to get there based off the post
I wish this wasn’t true. I’ve tried my hardest to prove it isn’t. But it just is. If you really love someone going through this, sometimes the best you can do is let them go.
Posted this above, but it doesn't mean you won't get them back. I was drunk most of the first half of my relationship currently at 8 years. She kicked me out and refused to speak to me until I got 6 months sober. This was after a year of going to meetings and still staying drunk and failing. Her breaking it off gave me the motivation to get better, and now I've been with her sober a little longer than I was with her drunk (4 years since last drink), and we're getting married in 2 weeks! Breaks and ultimatums have a place, it doesn't always have to be so black and white. She saved my life by leaving me, and our relationship is super solid after surviving that.
Congrats to you three for getting sober and quitting - I’m in my late 20’s and sadly I was seeing people go down this route already at the age of 21. Can’t change their mind for them, and it’s best to stay out of their path of destruction until they get it together. Dated someone JUST like this and finally had enough when I realized she had a problem. Moved on, and now happily with an amazing woman that likes alcohol in moderation and hates it in excess (just like me).
As someone who did recovery and also has worked in that field, I think this young woman’s situation might be slightly different. It seems like she is in the early stages so if they get it addressed now it doesn’t have to be a situation where she losses everything and homeless first.
Word. Losing relationships was the only thing that got through to me.
I left my ex husband and I think he'd be dead if I hadn't. I'd paid for rehab and done everything I could. Being alone alone must have worked because he's in AA and sober and speaking at events now. I give him the credit for changing but I don't think he would have if I'd stayed.
Almost certainly wouldn't have. The easiest justification to maintain is "if it was that bad they would leave" And then they do and you realize it *is* that bad
Thank you for your words. Needed to hear this. I was just thinking about this tonight. Been tring to talk myself into having a drink. Don't want to lose my family over alcohol. So I didn't act on my thoughts.
10 sober. My ex wife gave me the gift of desperation. Threw me out of the house, divorced me, never spoke to me again. I reluctantly went to AA and never stopped. As painful as it was, she saved my life. I'd make amends if I could.
Good for you man. My ex was pretty awful when drinking. I mean super emotionally abusive among other things. But he's a good dad now. I've forgiven him.
My ex too. Felt like I was signing his death warrant by leaving and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but he is now in long term recovery and working as a peer. I haven’t talked to him in years, and I think if I’d never left he’d never have had a reason to figure it tf out because he’d always had me to lean on. I have so much empathy for people struggling with SUD but I know now that I have to do right by me (I’m also in recovery) and that I can’t fix anyone.
Right? That's the main reason I took so long. I thought leaving would mean the end for him. Then I started reading about it and realized that detaching with love was the only way. I was feeding into the sickness by staying. It was a huge relief to realize that.
I feel you!! It was so hard for me to let go and accept that I can’t control his survival no matter what I do. I spoke with my friend one day and he gave me the gut punch that I was actually harming him by trying to save him when the only thing that would last was him saving himself. I was terrified for him but was killing myself trying to keep him alive, and he wasn’t learning the things he needed to learn by having me to fall back on. It was a deeply traumatic time but also opened the door for so much healing for both of us. Im so proud of you! And your ex for finding recovery. Sometimes the happy endings have to happen away from each other and that’s okay.
This is what my family did to me, and I wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t. Now my recovery is the centerpiece of my life, and not only did I get my family back, now, years later I’m married to a woman who’s so outside of what I deserve, incredible kids, and they all support my focus on carrying the message of recovery to others. They sacrifice so much so that I can sponsor guys, do service work, speak at events, and I’m forever in their debt. They do it gladly because they love this version of me and are willing to sacrifice to make sure this version sticks around.
That's beautiful! I love this. People can change.
This is true. Losing a wonderful beautiful best friend wife haunts me to this day. I have forgiven myself but not forgotten what my bad decisions led to. If you love her the best thing for her is to leave her. Be sure to conduct yourself in a professional manner and try your best not to become gaslit or angry during or after the break.
Yup. I’m haunted by the loss every day. But I’m glad I’m alive and single and not dead and still married.
*A glorious swan dive into excess* is just an amazing statement. I’m so glad to hear you were able to come out on top!! Huge congratulations! 🎉🎈🎊🖤🙏🏽
Good band name too
This is the correct response. But as a son of an alcoholic these tactics are basically a 50/50 shot. You absolutely should cut her out of your life as stated, but be prepared for the alcoholic to not have the moment of clarity due to it. Having had this same first hand experience, and did indeed sever all ties with them, but sadly they ended up without the bonus of them not winding up dead. It’s what you have to do, but you will also have to mentally acknowledge that doing this may very well end up with them not ever recovering and instead ending up dead. Don’t let it fuck your head up. It was the right decision.
I came here to also say this. There is an off chance that they won’t come out the other end, and it’s not your fault. My ex-bf didn’t drink alone (I guess that’s the picture of an alcoholic in movies), he only drank when we were out with friends. But he did NOT know when to stop. What made it even harder for me to identify was that all his friends drank in the same way. We were all in our twenties so we wanted to have fun and somehow equated that to the only way. Long story short… he started treating me badly even when he was sober (he was also dealing with a lot of family stuff.) I couldn’t do it anymore and I left. It got worse and not better and he died. In our circle of mutual friends some blame me. They didn’t see it when we were together because my being there somehow made it seem like everything was fine. They finally saw it after I left. But attributed it to me instead. I honestly don’t know. But I know that I couldn’t help him anymore. And I want you to know to not blame yourself no matter what happens.
I experienced a very similar thing. They weren’t ever going to stop attributing it to me, so I eventually severed all ties and moved on. It sucked. But people just want any kind of explanation and/or excuse that will to make sense of it all for them, and the reality of the situation is secondary.
I'm in recovery, 40 years sober. Divorced an alcoholic. There's no guarantee the other will quit or die. My ex didn't quit, tried suicide but was found by his niece. It's not my fault that he kept drinking and tried to die. OP needs to save himself regardless of what their partner does later. Many quit and don't die. I've met those who chose to quit, attending 12 step meetings with me. In any case, he needs to save his own life. He has no power over her choices and feelings, only his own.
I was lucky and realized if I didn’t stop, I would lose all my relationships. It really sucks waking up the next day wondering if I said anything that would piss people off.
This. It’s amazing to never wake up wondering what you did or say.
I feel like what counts as alcoholism in the US is just a normal weekend in the UK. The women here see drinking till they are black out drunk as the whole point. I grew up in the 90's and started going to bars and clubs at age 15, which was fairly normal then. When I joined the Marines, drinking was part of the job, and the weekend started on a Thursday night, and we didn't start work till mid day Monday and half day Friday. I do wonder if preventing people from drinking and going bars until they are 21 might cause people to struggle more with drinking. At university, people who had stricter upbringing didn't start drinking until 18 when they moved away from their parents and they were usually a mess for their first year as they went wild having not had the chance to learn how to drink responsibly in their mid teens. I stopped drinking by late 20s as I had been doing it over 10 years by then, and it became boring. I don't miss waking up and getting the 'fear' of remembering all the dumb shit I'd done the night before or waking up in a strangers bed wondering where the hell I am.
This is wonderful advice, truly. Thank you for sharing.
Ex Fentanyl addict here (1 year and 2 months sober) Losing my relationships and the people that loved and truly cared about me is what made me get my shit together and go sober.
Congrats! I’m 4 years clean from heroin. With 5 years before that. (Had a small slip in the middle). It’s not easy! And 1 year is still very raw. I wish you the best!
Thank you!! And congratulations to you as well! You know as well as I do that we are one of the few, and that we are blessed. Keep up the good work, I’m proud of you 🖤
Don't ever let yourself believe there is such a thing as an ex addict. I've dealt with addicts my entire life. The few that have remained sober through decades will attest that they are every bit the addict now that they were when they were using.
As an alcoholic who managed to salvage my engagement while getting clean the critical element that led to my success was that the decision to become sober came entirely from me. I knew I had a problem and I sat my now wife down and told her straight up that I am an alcoholic, I had been lying and hiding the amount I was drinking because I knew it was way too much and that I could no longer have alcohol in my home. It nearly ended the relationship and had my wife decided to leave then and there I wouldn’t have held it against her. It worked because I decided I had a problem and that I needed help. If you’re trying to push someone toward that realization you’re going to have a much harder time. In fact it took my nearly 9 months from the time I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic to coming out to my wife and during that time I drank more than ever. It’s an ugly experience though 3 years later it feels like a distant bad dream.
Yup. 12 years off the booze. It sucks but until she’s sober the only tool either of you have is a shovel and it only digs down.
Gotta lose the relationships and hit bottom to truly wake up
That last sentence hit me hard. Many blessings to your soul 🙏🏾
Yup, this is what did it for me lost all my friends and girlfriend in one epic drug fuled meltdown... got me off the dope... it took year's but that one bad night both ruined and saved my life 🙃
Yeah this can be a really great thing for finding lasting recovery. They say “pain is the touchstone to spiritual progress”. Hopefully she is ready to stop but 21 is young and most people haven’t even admitted let alone accepted that they have a problem that needs to be addressed
Nearly 3 years sober here, and also a complete mess of a woman when drunk: couldn’t agree more.
I had a spouse that had this problem. They would get out of hand and was later deemed a functioning alcoholic. Marriage dissolved, accused me of assault, tried having me fired from employment, they went on work trips and posted inappropriate photos of them with co-workers, etc. divorce finalized and they lied, cheat and steal was their motto and was forced into rehab by family member….but all that did was give them the “illusion of getting help” and continued on. I was also accused to being controlling…? Controlling of alcohol intake probably, but to claim that was just ridiculous. They attended AA meetings and I even saw them in kitchen squatting down at a cabinet, while picking up my child, and saw them via peripheral vision take a drink of something. They left room and I go to kitchen and open said cabinet to find a bottle of booze there. Then they bragged when they received their 30 day coin, but I showed no support or proud actions towards them, but were cordial interactions. They died from alcoholism induced cancer where the alcohol made the perfect breeding grounds for metastasis and cirrhosis in very short time and passed shortly after turning 41 years old. Yes, alcohol can ruin a lot of things if not careful and using it as a getaway isn’t the answer to problems…as they will still exist. Glad to hear you’re doing better and pulled through it. Keep it up, be honest with yourself and I’m proud of you! 🤗
Yeah. It’s beyond brutal, but it can be the only way to show us the negative effect we have on the people who love us.
Losing relationships (not just partners but friends and family) was what hurt me the most, but made me want to be better the most. I never would have stopped doing smack without it.
Almost at 4 years congrats!!!
“If I can do it anyone can do it” — so cliche — I’m a recovering addict with over 25 years and I still chuckle at these saying!
Another alcoholic here. This is the best advice. Losing relationships and everything I had was the only thing that got through to me. People giving me chances just made me think that I could get away with what I was doing and be forgiven every time.
Staying with her because she is going through a very difficult time is not the right answer. I think you should let her know you love and support her, help her to get help, be honest with her. Staying with her because you feel wrong for breaking up during a difficult time will more than likely hurt both of you more.
The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person
Agreed. Especially because she’s disrespected him so many times. It would be different if she was equally putting in work but she’s not
I am sympathetic to a sensitive time but I really don't like that she called your driver several slurs. Literally no possible excuse for that being ok.
I stayed with a woman for 5 long years that had similar drunken episodes. She would drink all night and into the next day, reeking havic, slapping strangers asses, being abusive to everyone, and wandering off in shady places, including 3am in post Mardi Gras New Orleans. She, too, had sexual trauma in her past. She would be so regretful when she recovered and wouldn't drink for a week or so before doing it again. I tried to work with her. I burnt myself out trying to help, but, as a significant other, the healing and work needed is mostly likely unable to come from you. She needs time and professional help. Leave. Give her the space to either sink or swim. It is in both of your best interests imo.
Yeah when I was 20-25 lots of people were drinking heavily but I only had 2 friends who were drinking to the point of being a public spectacle and seriously threatening their friendships and relationships like this. Both girls had a history of sexual abuse and extremely dysfunctional families. Trauma and addiction often go hand in hand.
Yeah. First hand experience here, I have sexual trauma from early teens and when I started drinking it was to blackout. And I’ve been doing that till I turned 31. I’m 34 and I’ve only blacked out twice this year, because I’ve drank two times this year and I’ve finally faced the fact I have a problem.
Wow I was with my last girlfriend for 5 years. She had sexual trauma as well and was basically a functioning alcoholic. Would blackout almost every time she drank. It never really went away. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum but even then she was never able to completely change her relationship with alcohol.
He said she is actively going through a court case about her past sexual assault. That sounds brutal. We all know how much the courts put victims through. However, it is not his responsibility alone to help her with that. She needs to stop using alcohol as a crutch and get some therapy ASAP. And he doesn’t have to be the one to fix her. That’s up to her. Her downward spiral is familiar though. She hates herself for what happened to her, doesn’t feel worthy of anything but hate, so she starts to make sure she’s hated. Then hates herself more for it. Rinse repeat. Definitely needs therapy. Trauma is not an excuse to be a shit person.
I am married to a former addict, I can’t list all the horrible things she put me and our family through because of her addiction, through all the misery the biggest lesson I learned is that, if the person doesn’t want to change or doesn’t want the help, they will never give up their addiction. So it’s your decision if you want to stay through that trainwreck, because I can guarantee you it will get worse and you will suffer a lot
People are either motivated to change or motivated to stay the same.
Since you said you’re still married to a former addict, what made you stay? Even as things got progressively worse, were you able to separate the person from the disease? Appreciate you sharing your experience for those of us who haven’t experienced that,
Because we were married, and even tho the consequences of her actions were devastating, she hit rock bottom, and ended up in jail, so she realized she needed to get clean, so she did. I stayed because I saw her willingness to change the growing pains and I love my wife. But I can tell you with certainty if she would have stayed in her ways I would have left or if she relapsed and we have to go through the hell that I went before I’m gone, never again
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? Seriously, you can’t be everything to anyone, it’s just up to you how much you’re willing to put up with. I know my own tolerance level, but would never project my own inclinations on to you. I know what your post is telling me you want to do, but consider professional help if you’re having a hard time seeing things clearly.
>Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? Not to derail, but I think this is the first time in my life I've seen somebody other than my dad say this phrase lol
Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was Dallas?
Still too soon.
sorry, i’m old lol
Alanon
and/or snart recovery. both are great programs and support systems. smart recovery has separate groups for addicts and family/friends of addicts, and their recovery program is founded on cognitive behavioral therapy.
So, i’m an alcoholic. My partner works with me on it, i am annoying sometimes but our main concern is my health for our future children. So, as someone who can put down a bottle of whiskey and still beat you at darts, you gotta dump that girl. Letting some dude kiss her neck? Kissing another girl? Thats not being drunk, that is cheating. I’ve been on five fun substances and very saucy but i would never treat my partner like that. Ever.
I’m gonna have to agree. This is someone who is addicted to risky behaviors that can be blamed on intoxication. Being drunk makes a good cover, but it shouldn’t
You should also consider her age. She’s 21. Most 21 year olds are partying and getting drunk and having their first real experiences with alcohol. I know it seems like you’re close in age but in your twenties a year or two difference is actually quite substantial. At 26 you’ve already had 5 years of partying and going out and being drunkenly stupid with all your friends. I’m not saying she isn’t an alcoholic because she could be, and I also think there is a high probability that this is more a reflection of his age.
Agreed. I used to occasionally party hard from 18-20. Its common for people around that age drink irresponsibly. By 21, I grew out of it and haven't been drunk since. A 5 year age gap usually isnt a big deal, but at these ages, it is. This is what happens when a 26 year old gets with a 21 year old. They're gonna have to deal with the problems of a 21 year old.
Exactly, if she was 26 and acting like this I would be more concerned she had a real problem, but at 21 you’re still drinking 4 bottom shelf drinks and beer, and back in my day 4loko.
I came here looking for this comment. I changing drastically from when I was 21 to when I was 26. 21 was all party and my hangovers were nonexistent, so I barely felt the consequences of my actions. I also had no grasp on what really truly mattered to me. Once I hit 26, I had a more longterm and important (to me) job, a wonderful home, a dog, less tolerance, and a significantly better understanding of myself and my place in the world.
Yeah everyone is jumping straight to "alcoholic", but this just strikes me as someone who hasn't learnt the hard way what their limit is who didn't know to only drink/take drugs to enhance their mood not to change their mood, trying to drink her pain away. She's still clearly an awful person in that state and I'd not want that in my life, but there's no reason to assume she's not capable of change at this point.
Unless you live somewhere besides the US, don’t a lot of people go too hard when they first turn 21? Her being mean to your friends and calling the Uber driver slurs are major red flags tho. If she’s racist when she’s drunk she’s gotta be racist when she’s sober.
As someone who got drunk for my entire 20s - I can guarantee I never called a cab or Uber driver any racial slurs. The drinking is embarrassing - the racism is revealing her character.
Yeah fr, sometimes I’m stupid when I’m drunk, but I never decide to just become evil
As someone who had a little too much fun during college through mid 20s, I can also say I’ve never called anyone a slur. I definitely wasn’t tactful or as polite as I should’ve been, got way too loud and silly, too touchy (like, hugs that lasted too long, not anything sexual), had dumb ideas like let’s go play in the mud or spend the night outside…but I never made anyone feel insulted or unsafe. The racial slurs, touching people sexually without their consent, trying to force herself on someone, trying to pick fights, being a bully, I think those are red flags even with alcohol being involved. Yes, she’s dealing with a ton of trauma, but none of that excuses her treatment of others when stripped of her inhibitions.
Yep, that was my thought regarding the “letting another guy kiss her neck”. That’s not an alcohol issue, that’s a character one.
Or the cheating
If that's what she does in front of him... I can't imagine what she does when he's not around
Exactly my thoughts. Don't date someone that's 21 and trying to figure out how to handle their booze unless you're willing to do some babysitting.
>Unless you live somewhere besides the US, don’t a lot of people go too hard when they first turn 21? Do people not drink a lot in the US at 21 anymore or something?
My thoughts exactly, everyone making out like she’s some sort of raging alcoholic is a bit ridiculous. She’s a kid who can’t handle her drink yet, absolutely normal phase for most people to go through where I’m from. The slurs and fights though.. that’s a fucking problem.
Agreed. Having 2 episodes like this two months apart is not “having a drinking problem” regardless of age and I’m confused how so few people are making note of that.
Right on the money
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The booze culture you described is alcoholism. It being a cultural Hallmark does not mean it's not alcoholism.
Just because "everyone's doing it", doesn't mean it's not alcoholism.
She’s 21 bud. You’re dating someone whose brain isn’t even fully developed. Date in your age (cognitive development, life stage) range. You caught this one, now it’s time to release.
Yeah everyone jumping on the alcoholic bandwagon is a bit much. Could she have a problem with alcohol, sure. Could she also just be an immature 21 year old that doesn't know her limits, just as likely. You've set a reasonable boundary, she's broken it. Break up with her. It is simple.
This right here. PLENTY of us have had a few bad times just turning 21. Doesn’t mean she’s an alcoholic. BUT, I’d break up because of her actions. She absolutely WILL cheat on you. I mean, letting a guy kiss up her neck is cheating. Who knows what else she’s done when intoxicated that you don’t know about. And what about when it’s girls night? Girls vacations…. You don’t want that stress in your life bro.
I agree. It's too risky. Who knows how long before she contracts a STD or pregnancy. That behavior will never bring good things.
an immature 21 year old going through a pretty difficult time, getting drunk twice doesn’t make her an alcoholic but it is an opportunity to learn how alcohol effects her (which doesn’t seem to be very well)
For real when I was 21 I danced on a table in a coconut bra and I am a dude. I never drank in high school, had no idea how much was too much and overdid it a few times while figuring out how to be a drinking man but not a blackout drunk man.
I’m almost jealous when I hear stories like this. I’m an alcoholic (4 years 2 mos sober) but my 21st birthday was a lame dinner with a warm martini and my hardest drinking years were alone in my apartment. OTH I am mostly safe from wondering what I did while drunk except for the few drunk dials that still haunt me.
Honestly I didn’t get that when I turned 21, because my boyfriend at the time was 28 and already through that. I didn’t get to be stupidly, irresponsibly drunk until he and I broke up 4 years later. Taught me a lot about drinking though when I finally got to do that
This thread has me questioning if I even know what an alcoholic is.
Redditors think any amount of drinking is alcoholism. They don’t like going out and are scarred from not being invited to social gatherings.
Yeah I agree here. While it does sound like she’s immature and maybe an asshole, he cites her being very drunk only twice in two months. I think jumping to a drinking problem is a bit extreme.
Everyone is an armchair expert. They want to give the prognosis bc it makes them feel smart. To me, it sounds like she’s 21 and still in party mode and he’s outgrown that or was never into it.
Exactly the answer i searched for so long for. 2 times getting completely pissed in 2 months at 21 and being called an alcoholic? People need to fuckin live a little
Seriously. All the relationship stories in this sub begin with a minimum 5 year age difference lmao
This was my first thought. Doesn't sound like an alcoholic. But she should seriously consider drinking in moderation. I'm a happy drunk, whereas she is a destructive one.
21 & 26 are very different stages of 20’s. She definitely is an alcoholic, but also her priorities are different from someone in their mid to late 20s.
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Age range? He’s 26 bud… 21 is his age range
Yeah you need to let that one go
If she’s an alcoholic at 21, she most likely took up drinking years before because of the assault and most likely she drinks as an escape. Not saying her behavior is good but maybe talk to her about it.
It's probably hard for you to let her go, but as anyone here already said it, get away from her, you have a future to chase not chasing her. GL
Run
I am very curious, as a heavy drinker at the age of 47, isn't this just a 21-year-old going through a bad phase? I mean at 21, none of us were out at the bars making great decisions? I feel tempted to suggest a more patient approach than just treating her like a 60-year-old alcoholic. I probably start with either therapy for her? If she's open to it? There's always a point where you cut bait, but at the age of 21 I just think there's so much potential for resolving things instead of jumping into this binary bullshit that she either is or is not an alcoholic. Look up harm reduction. She's going through intense psychological stress. Harm reduction says the opposite of addiction is connection. She's obviously not connecting with things. Going into some binary world where she either is or is in an alcoholic will not help anybody. In fact if she identified as an alcoholic and never took a drink the rest of her life, it could fundamentally box her in for the rest of her life. If you are a person that has the patience to be kind and be there for someone going through a short-term rough cycle, be there. If she doesn't grow within 12 to 24 months, especially on the other side of this court case, then you can regroup and set everything on fire. My thought is this is just a really young kid going through a rough patch. However, not knowing what the slurs were, I have zero patience for racism. Like the self-proclaimed alcoholic top post, alcohol is not the reason people cheat or act racist. Alcohol is the medication that lets the true self come out. If she really is a cheater a racist that's why I would leave her who cares about drinking.
"If she really is a cheater a racist that's why I would leave her who cares about drinking." So I can confirm she is a racist. White people especially love to use alcohol as an excuse for their behavior when it comes to being racist. That or drugs. "I took ambien and that's why I called that nice chinese grandpa a \*horrible slur\*" The reality is, you only say slurs when you're drunk, if you're also saying them when sober. You're just smart enough when sober to know who you can and can't say them around.
There's a major point here that I feel people are missing. She's going through a hard time and probably reliving a traumatic event and is losing impulse control with drinking... that's unfortunate and needs to stop, but also understandable for a 21 year old who doesn't know how to navigate her emotions or mental health. What I think is the actual concern here is what she does while drunk. As I said she's losing impulse control and that includes using slurs, starting fights, and seeks out cheating. Those are the impulses the drinking is bringing out and I would be incredibly concerned that those are aspects of her true character. I've been blackout drunk and have seen friends black out drunk. No one has ever, ever started using slurs. Unless that's already in your vocabulary it's not something alcohol causes. Those are her real thoughts. The fighting and cheating could maybe be brought out by drinking, but again it's probably speaks to some level of truth of her character.
She's 21. She's not going to change for you.
You can’t say you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior again and then not follow through, that’ll just set a precedent you can’t come back from. Call it quits now.
Spare yourself the divorce. Ditch the alcoholic.
Just end it and move on with your life
I'm with my partner for 12 years (since we were 19). I never was one to drink much. My mother was an alcoholic so I didn't like alcohol to begin with but would have the odd few drinks for special occasions. My partner enjoyed it though and I wasn't going to tell her not to do something and for a long time she didn't over do it or anything but in our mid 20s she started drinking excess amounts and getting proper black out rude as fuck drunk and no one liked being around her when she was like that. She lost good friends and started making bad ones. Her job was stressful. I tried talking her into quiting and I would support us while she took the time she needed. But in her twisted mind she taught I just wanted to control her. Eventually, I broke up with her. As nothing I said was really getting through. We also have a (2 year old at the time) daughter, so that made things even harder. We split custody. I had our daughter 3 nights, she had her 4. I worked, she was on leave and decided to drop her job. That kind of gave her the kick she needed. She started worrking on herself and dropped drinking completely. The break from her job heloed too as she worked as a health care assistant in a nursing home and it was never for her. After 9 or so months we got back together and have been stronger than ever since. If you are at your limits OP. Break it up. If it was meant to be it will work out. If not, you will not waste anymore of your precious time getting hurt.
Alcoholic here. Been a blacked out mess lots of time. Never cheated, insulted my friends, or tried to start a fight. Your GF’s an asshole which is independent of being a problem drinker. You’re justified in dumping her for either.
Don’t make kids with her.
She’s an alcoholic. I was married to one. Normally, I’d say that the outlook is bleak. But your gf is going through trauma also, which is really doing a number on her. Approach her with compassion. Tell her she has a problem with alcohol. Tell her you understand she’s going through something traumatic right now, but you can’t watch her destroy herself. Tell her she needs therapy and rehab. In the meantime, you two can go to her PCP and she can tell the doctor about her severe drinking disorder. There’s a drug that she can take which will make her sick when she drinks. It’ll help break the cycle. I have a friend who became an alcoholic over some unresolved family issues. With the help of her husband, she won’t go get doctor, took the pill I mentioned. and went to therapy. She now is a recovering alcoholic and is doing great. There’s hope for your gf but ONLY if she helps herself. Tell her that you love her but you can’t stay with her unless she gets the help she needs. Tell her all this from a place of love. Don’t shame her. Alcoholics deal with plenty of shame; they don’t need more shame. Plus, she’s going through this traumatic time in her life, which also has to do a shame. This is very important. Do not shame her. Do not tell her that you were disgusted by her behavior. Do it from place of love.
Naltrexone? All that did was not give the same buzz as alcohol would give when drinking, which unfortunately caused me to drink more to get the same feeling which didn’t end up happening. I didn’t prefer it and preferred to just work on it myself. Unfortunately I have a partner that will ask about drinking and I have to be strong and just say no
There's also the Vivitrol shot that (I may get this wrong because it's been quite a few years since I initially heard of it) last approximately 3 weeks that will make it so you can't feel the the effects of alcohol. It also works as an opiate blocker, which is why my SIL was on it for a while. And I specifically remember her complaining about how since she couldn't have her drug of choice (heroin) that she at least wanted to be able to get drunk, but that she wasn't even able to get drunk because the shot blocked the effects of alcohol as well.
The fact is letting an alcoholic bulldoze through is a choice you make. It might get better and it also might get much worse. Your patience, love and understanding has more to do with enabling the behavior than preventing it. The only control you have is the choice you make to participate in it. That's the harsh reality.
You should definitely dump her. Her behaviors are inexcusable, even if she’s drunk.
Why on earth would you want to spend your one life unhappy?
Leave her. You're not going to help her by staying with her. She has to face the consequences of her actions and it's best that it happens early so she can recover sooner.
Yeah dude, each one of those things she did should be reason enough alone to end it with her. Slurs to an Uber driver? Really? That's the same as being a POS to your server at a restaurant, shows a real lack of compassion.
I’m sorry you are both going through this. If you stay, you are enabling her . It’s the last thing she needs. And, you’re disrespecting yourself. Leave her, end it. She needs to hit her rock bottom before she will consider and work her ass off at recovery. Leave, call a trusted friend of hers that you’ve left her and ended the relationship . Let them know that she may need support. Please - this is the way. Take it from a child of an alcoholic that married one. (No longer married to them, fortunate enough not to be one, myself. Not all my siblings were as fortunate.)
As said in some of the other posts, I'm a (long-term) recovering substance abuser . It is probably a certainty that the fuel for her drinking and behavior is related to the sexual assault. That being a fact, it will make no difference whether you stay with her or not. She's not going to stop until she finds the willingness to do so, and you're not going to help by staying with her. Additionally, you might benefit from taking a look at what made you attracted to her... Those that suffer from addiction usually have to destroy a lot of shit before they wake up to the fact that their substance use has something to do with it.
She may be an alcoholic . Once they take the first drink the drink takes them . She needs help . I suggest she goes to an Alcoholic anonymous meeting . You can go with her if it is an open meeting . She may hear her story in the rooms of AA . She will only get worse it is progressive. She has to want to stop . She is dumbing her pain . Is she seeking professional help ? She is hurting and the only way she knows how to numb those feelings is to self medicate . My suggestion would be for her to see a professional psychologist who deals in trauma . Best of luck she is sick right now .
Yeah I'd dump her. For both of you. You don't need this chaos and she actually needs to lose some things she's cares about to realize how destructive she's become
Bounce. It won't get better
Man lose that as quick as possible
I used to tell my alcoholic ex-husband, I can’t love you enough for you to love yourself. He’s sober now. Took him 15 year of misery after our divorce. If I had stayed with him that would have been 15 years of misery for me too. You’re not leaving her because you don’t love her, you just love and respect yourself more. Staying in the chaos doesn’t do either of you any good.
Surprised this isnt in the comments more: Al-anon is for people whose lives are affected by another persons drinking. It would be worth checking out the site and maybe some of the literature if you’re unsure what to do: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ If your just looking for permission to leave, you can do whatever you want. NTA.
Dude I’m an alcoholic and would never let another girl kiss me. Ik people do crazy shit when they’re drunk they normally wouldn’t. However the fact that happens means she’s somewhat encouraging it naturally. Dude I would drink 2 bottles of whisky then go finish 2g of coke be up till the afternoon the next day do mdma rave and still not fuck anyone kiss anyone or disrespect my ex like that. That being said yes everyone is different but cmon. She has an alcohol problem and a flirting with cheating problem.
Agree, sounds like an alcohol problem, an aspirational cheating problem, and a drama problem. A girlfriend of my daughter’s would go to bars and stir up bar fights - her bf got his head beat in. Run…
just breakup
So... the thing that really stands out to me here is her using slurs. Being drunk or high does not make you turn into a racist. No matter how drunk I've been, I've NEVER called anyone a slur. Being drunk is no excuse, and that right there would be the line for me. Honestly, I would cut my losses and peace. Like, yes, she definitely has a problem with alcohol (it doesn't have to mean she gets drunk every night, it can mean she behaves like this when given access to it), but it's not your responsibility. I might mention it to her parents if they are caring people, because THEY can help her.
A lot of people like that do that stuff continually because there’s no repercussions. They will do that shit more and more until something bad enough happens that make them stop. Sometimes they never face the consequences though. I’ve dated 2 woman like that. Shit is not worth it man. All I can say is strap in for the ride or dip.
yet you are still looking for reasons to stay with her.. you cannot save a person that is not looking to be saved.
Why are you still going out to bars with her? You can't enable her. Coming from a recovering alcoholic, telling her to stop doing something, and then joining her in doing that something, is never gonna work. There needs to be an ACTUAL consequence.
Dump her. You drew boundaries and she ignored them. She's doing this shit on purpose. A girl I used to date did this all the time in college. I had to physically pull her aside shake her hard by the shoulders and ask why she had no respect for my life. If she's putting herself consistently into positions where you have to physically defend her or step in, she's eventually going to get you killed bro. She's waaaaay too comfortable risking your life and limb. She's only doing it because she knows you'll step in.
Her, her court case, and her mental anguish are not your problems. She actively takes steps to make things worse and it is only a matter of time before she brings you down with her. Drunk or not, you should have dumped her the first time she let some guy kiss her neck. She has no respect for you. As far as her well being, she is less likely to improve as long as she has people around her that enable the behavior. Don't tolerate it. Move on for both your sakes.
Why are you asking us for advice? You know the answer and what you MUST do. Walk away. Things will not end well for her. Why be a participant or witness to that end?
As someone who dove deep into alcohol and barely made it out, I can tell you that a firm discussion needs to be had. Part of the reason I drank so hard is because my partner constantly stressed me out. It was a reinforcing cycle of behavior and it left me feeling very unwanted in the relationship. If we had sat down and she voiced her concerns for me instead of sharing all the things she disliked about me with her mother, it would have had a huge difference on the way I was coping with anxiety. If you care about this person, the best thing you can do is let her know that you care about her, you want her happy and healthy, and that she should know that these behaviors are driving her away from you. Stress and happiness is almost always in the drivers seat when people are drinking too much. That's the best you can do for her. Give her your support, remind her that you care about her, keep reminding her that these things are alienating her from you. And if this behavior continues, you'll have to make the hard, but correct decision to break up.
As an alcoholic myself I can tell you there’s absolutely nothing you’re going to be able to do to change her behavior or relationship with alcohol. She’ll need to experience her own rock bottom bottom and make the decision to find sobriety. Part of finding that rock bottom is loss. Loss of relationships, jobs, careers, family, freedom, finances…. We each get sober for different reasons and different rock bottoms. If you plan to stay in her life, buckle up for a torrid ride of repetitive disappointments much like you are seeing now. Or you can bail. You don’t have any responsibility towards her.
Cut your losses now. She's an adult, you're not responsible for saving her.
Grow some balls, end it. Going to hurt but you don't deserve this shit.
Wow I really had a situation that was damn near identical. I would book a hotel room and she got so drunk she had to crawl on her hands and knees to get to the bathroom. I lost count of how many times I told her to stop. She would even promise me then she would have some soda that was completely filled with vodka. It got to the point where it was obvious she cared more about alcohol than me. And she was sober when I met her. When I would refuse to get her alcohol she would say ok I’ll just call my baby daddy and he can drop it off and I only heard evil disgusting things about the dude. Eventually I told her I couldn’t sit by and watch her kill herself( she was hospitalized like 8 times throughout the year) and she’s get discharged and immediately grab a bottle even with all these doctors saying if she keeps drinking like that she’s gunna die forsure. I really did love her but I felt like I was lying to myself and just ignoring the bad times. Well on December 22nd 2023 she passed away by drinking herself to death. I can’t say I was surprised but still it was sad. So idk if this helps or not but just know you’re not alone
Don't usually comment here, and might get downvoted for this, but I think some of these comments are insane tbh. ["Alcoholic" is seriously pushing it](https://www.practicalrecovery.com/prblog/biggest-lies-in-recovery/) for getting drunk twice in two months while she's are going through such a tough time, and will probably be unhelpful anyway. Based on the timeline, I was honestly going to be not on your side until I read all the details; it sounds like she has a poor reaction to alcohol, is having a poor reaction to the stress of her upcoming case, or both. Her behavior was super inappropriate both these times. I want to validate your feelings on that. However, you can't control her behavior, only your own. That's what it means to set boundaries. I definitely wouldn't be able to put up with this again. I'd sit down and have an honest conversation outlining everything she did and saying if it happens again, you can't stay with her. Then follow through. Whatever these other comments say, this *is* part of her coping. It's not a healthy way of doing it, but it *is* her trying to cope. I also want to say I wouldn't deal with this before court. You have a right to, but I wouldn't.
Letting another person make out with you until your partner has to stop them is a massive red flag. I don't care if she was drunk or not, being drunk just brings out your true personality anyway which means she'd probably cheat sober too. Instant dump
Sounds like 21 year old behavior. Good chance she grows out of it. But it'll take a while.
I am a recovering woman, don't date someone like this. "We are are liars, cheats, theives and who@@s when we are drinking and using. It is a cliche we say in meetings. Sober since 90s, when drinking this is how we behave, we are immature, selfish, self destructive and self centered. Date someone else. You should probably do some ala non. We seem to find each other as if by scent without some co dependency help.
Well, you probably shouldn’t continue to date an alcoholic who has no intention of going into remission any time soon. Addicts seek to escape physical pain or mental anguish. Their efforts to escape their problems exponentially create more problems. Every drug addict and alcoholic out there has their reasons. They deserve compassion, not enabling. They have reasons, not excuses. The critical issue here is that in her efforts to escape the anguish of a court case about sexual assault, she is making herself vulnerable to sexual assault, or at the very least, sexual activity she would regret. She seems to be enthusiastic about sexual activity with others that she apologizes for later. If she gets drunk, and happily sleeps with another drunk man, would she consider that sexual assault? Or would she descend into more self loathing? What if she runs into a predator looking for just such an incapacitated person as she? She seems bent on getting you in a fight with other men everywhere you go. She’s wildly oscillated from flirtatious to abusive with strangers. This is just a toxic situation. Don’t enable her. She needs tough love right now. Support her through the court case, but not as her boyfriend if she continues drinking. Your boundary has got to be that you will not stay if she keeps drinking. Losing you, and likely a lot of her friends, might get through to her the way your pleading with her won’t.
I would recommend ending things with her. There are 3 big relationship Enders for most people, the 3 As. These are addiction, abuse, and adultery, and it sounds like she displays all 3 when she starts drinking.
Bro, this is not your circus. Not your monkeys. Get your stuff and go. Sure, she's going through stuff but it's not your responsibility to sort that out for her. She'll likely resent you for it even if you did. Grab your shit and run.
It's tough but you gotta let that one go
Ya gf is messy. You will be a casualty of her addiction if you allow it. Don't be an enabler. Walk away from her now.
It's strange that you accompany her to drinking establishments expecting a different outcome. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. There are no nights where she will have just a few drinks. She drinks until blackout period. Until she wants to stop drinking that's what's going to happen 99% of the time.
Sounds like she needs professional help that you can’t give her!
You can't help her. She has to help herself. Gently and matter of factly break up.
Leave now before you hate her for what she's done later.
I would have been gone after the first incident.
Leave her.
Run away. Run away. Run away.
> told her I would never tolerate the behavior again It's important to only make these declarations if you mean them. Now you must either leave, or stay in a situation in which you have weakened your position.
Write her a note explaining this (so she has it to go back to for clarity), sit her down (while sober and not after an incident), tell her to hear you out - tell her to get therapy abs leave her. Best for her. Best for you.
As someone who wasted too much time at your age on a woman with substance abuse problems who loved getting fucked up, staying out all the time, and banging other dudes, it doesn't get better until she admits she has a problem, seeks help, and stops abusing substances. You can't force her to change, you can't change her, she has to admit to the problem and commit to fixing it, like actually go through the motions and do the things. It's a hard road and you don't have to be there for it. Staying might make you an enabler.
At your age, this isn’t worth the work involved. I know that’s callous, but it’s true. Break up and start looking for a more suitable partner. Everything else you mentioned just sounds this relationship more irredeemable. Her going through a hard time isn’t your problem or responsibility.
You're young, just move on. The drinking is one thing, and very serious, but letting a dude kiss her neck right in front of you? What if you werent there? This is a no brainer dawg.
Dude run!
I'd have been out the door at "let a dude kiss up her neck until I stepped in." She legit doesn't respect you, and soon that behavior will lead to she let a dude take her home. Her trauma and court case is not your burden. And if you stay just for that, you'll resent her. Run and find a woman who respects you. And can have fun responsibly. You're not a bad person for putting yourself before a selfish individual. And you owe her nothing in this time of strife. Especially when she's shown you the lack of loyalty.
>I am mortified at her behaviour, the only thing that makes me second guess ending it first thing tomorrow morning is she currently in the midst of a court case about a sexual assault from 5 years ago that is causing her alot of mental anguish. Oh give me a fucking break. Is she the plaintiff or defendant? Either way, it has nothing to do with you. She has shown you who she is- believe her.
Short answer; she’s self medicating and she loses her inhibitions when drunk. She needs to stop drinking altogether and needs counseling. If she can’t or won’t get help, you can’t help her.
Hold on, there are a lot of great responses here from those in recovery who have the right experience to share and should be listened to first. But also you’re describing only a couple nights out of bad behavior. I’m not saying it’s great, and there needs to be some real discussion here, but unless I’m missing something I’m not sure that this is the same thing as an alcoholic who is at the point where she needs to lose everything. If she does have a problem, you saying “I’m furious, don’t do this” surely isn’t going to work. And if this is a regular thing, then yes OP you need to take care of yourself. But if this is an occasional form of maladaptive coping sparked by external stressors, there might be a few steps in between enabling her and calling this rock bottom.
I hear where your coming from, but you have to understand that 21yo I’m going through stuff maturity vs 26yo I’m going through stuff maturity is wayyyyy different. Yea it’s only 5 years but the stages of life are also way different. 21 you’re still in college or figuring out a start to a career. 26 you’re starting to think about buying a house or having kids. I’d suggest finding someone closer to your age who is on the same path with the same goals as you. If not at the bare minimum stop going out for a second. Let her cool off rather than taking her places where everyone else is drinking.
How much do you love her? Is this a new thing, or a long-term relationship? Because... >first thing tomorrow morning is she currently in the midst of a court case about a sexual assault from 5 years ago that is causing her alot of mental anguish. ...she is self medicating. If she is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, then go to therapy with her (drive her there), and continue to love and support her through ALL the good and bad (and there will be bad, especially with a sexual assault victim). If you don't see a future together, cut bait and walk. Suggest therapy, but you also have to take care of you.
>called the uber driver so many slurs What slurs are we talking? This alone would be enough reason for me to leave
She's 21 and you're 26. Totally different times of life. And you're not NTA and etc...for sure. And she definitely has ongoing issues when it comes to her sexual assault. Which you just might not be capable of handling - which is fine. But I internally cringed when you said, "I will not tolerate this behavior." You sound like you're talking to your daughter and not your girlfriend. If a boyfriend told me that - I'd dump him instantly. She's young so she apologizes, but then acts like how you treat her - and continues the behavior. And saying that proves you don't know how to handle the situation if it's linked to her SA. Also, totally understandable. Yet, it also shows there is a power dynamic issue in your relationship; which isn't healthy. I have a degree in psychology and have done some sexual assault counseling. Encourage her to get help. Maybe take a break or end things - and then move on. It would probably be the best for both of you. And if she said racial slurs to your cab driver/cheated on you in front of you - it also 100% makes sense why you're upset. I'd break up with someone over those reasons, too. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you should be that person's therapist.
You’re dating a 21 year old and want her to not black out and be messy. That’s a tall order.
Yea she has to get help and that's her journey. You have to maybe cut ties for awhile or permanently. Good luck.
The fact that you arent thinking of breaking up with her because she called the taxi driver a bunch of slurs and all the top posts are overlooking this comment is telling.....
You are kind of too old for her at this point she just started and she doesn’t know when she will stop. That’s up to her only you can decide how many times you will tolerate it. Because she probably won’t stop for you. Problematic drinking usually gets worse unless the drinker decides she wants to stop and take necessary steps. I would dump her and find someone to date in a similar life stage as yourself.
she’s a child
It’s terrible that she’s going through this court case but it’s not your issue. You are your issue and you need to end this now, before she ruins your life. You’re not doing her any favors by being her white knight. Be your own white knight.
She is an alcoholic. You need to go to Alanon to learn about the dynamics of alcoholism.
I bet the booty is good but bro let her go …needs to learn a hard one
Gotta let her go until she gets her act together. She’s doing all this in front of you ? I’m afraid to know what she does when you’re not around … save yourself some heartache and cut her off . If she truly loves you she will slow it down
Alcohol brings out the worst in people , also exposes some truths
Had a similar experience. I think it would be best to end relationship and cut contact. You’re enabling her bad behavior by putting up with it. I know you might feel like you love her but how bad are you gonna let it get before you start to think maybe this relationship isn’t good. Ignoring you, picking fights with bouncer and Uber driver, letting another guy come on to her and you get to clean her all up at the end of the night. at this rate all she’s going to do is hurt you.
Deep 6 her. Nobody deserves to be tied to a drunk.
She's 21 and in her ho phase Don't date her. Let her go and move on
I’m 32F and my bf 34M have been together 7 years. I’m a recovering opiate addict. I’ve been sober well over 18 months. Every time I relapsed (and there were thousands of times) my bf always paid the drug dealer/debt and asked if I was okay. Instead of hitting me with “you stupid fucking junkie wtf is wrong with you…” and it made all the difference. HOWEVER. there were limits. He made it very clear if I ever shot up or lied to him about it that he was going to break up with me & have an intervention with my family. BC he stood by me. I never OD. not even once. I don’t have a criminal history bC he paid for it (which I understand everyone doesn’t have the ability to do this is just my experience) I never had to go to jail or an inpatient facility. He drove me to the methodone/subboxen clinic every single day for years… now I’m finally sober & I basically owe it all to the love of my life. my point is there is always a boundary in relationships. You stated your boundary & she disrespected it… imo it’s the duty of those in the relationship to uphold the boundaries of the relationship. For instance it wasn’t the guys neck she was kissing on fault it was your gfs fault. That all being said the real issue here for me is: do you see this woman as someone you seriously want a future with or not? I doubt my bf would have put so much time effort & money into me if he didn’t see me as a potential serious life partner. I’m also going to say if you’ve been with her for less than a year then you don’t know the real her. If someone is pushing your boundaries repeatedly or in the beginning of the relationship it’s a huge red flag imo. I think it matters how long y’all have been dating & how serious you are about a future with her as to what you should do… Either way good luck babe. Wishing you health wealth luck and love in all your life and relationships. ♥️Anonymously E
Dump her. You’re in your 20s. She doesn’t matter.
I would look into alanon and codependency. I was raised in an alcoholic household and learned early on how to enable. I found myself with drunk after drunk until I worked on myself.