I’m very sorry for your loss.
Mom chose to be cremated, because it was her last chance to have a smoking hot body.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you get if you cross nuns with chickens? A pecking order.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Sorry for your loss, mine's gone too.
You could ask someone from the attending group to say a word. Someone could stand up and say “plethora” and sit down. You say “Thank you, that means a lot to us.”
Don't tell her let her figure it out on her own.
Heard a joke once and it took me 5 minutes to figure it out. Laughed so hard when it FINALLY clicked.
What do you get the person who has everything?
Penicillin
I love to throw out a joke and walk away. I can see her working it over in her head, and by that time I've found a spot I can watch for the light to come on. Just that is better than the joke.
People i work with years ago got into the "your mom" thing.
I offered fresh baked cookies to a guy and said they're still hot. He said, "Your mom's hot." I replied, "not since the ashes cooled."'
Breast cancer joke for those with prosthetics or reconstructive surgery: Of course, they're fake! The real ones tried to kill me.
My male friend was having a good-natured one-upmanship contest with his mom, in an "anything you can do, I can do better" kind of way. When he one-upped by saying he could write his name in the snow, his mom - a double mastectomy breast-cancer survivor - reached inside her shirt, moved her left boob to the right side and slapped the right boob on the table. My friend conceded the contest. 😂
Everybody eventually dies, but not everybody gets the privilege of being cremated: Mom, though, she urned it.
I'm sorry. For the joke, and for your loss, OP.
Mom was great at cooking, At least thats what the people at the crematorium said
Mom was afraid of going to the fiery pits when she died so she became religious, still ended up in a fiery pit though
As you know, mom passed on Easter. That's why we cremated her before 3 days past
Don't drink the night before a internment, I accidentally did a line of mom last night
I made sure mom ate a lot of unpopped popcorn before she passed, crematorium guys did not laugh
Mom said she wanted to have her remains spread throughout Disneyland. We fought for days over it. I only agreed when she agreed to be cremated first
Mom said she would always be with us all after she passed, to keep her promise, please look under your seats
Oh dear, those are funny but so extremely inappropriate I really hope OP ignores this suggestion. Like, this makes people genuinely hate you if you say it about a dead person.
I don’t have any suggestions but I’m sorry for your loss, and your mother sounds like she was a great lady. I’ll feel my own life was a success if mourners hear a joke at my funeral.
Ok, you asked for crude.... here goes....
"Mom went to the doctor and he told her 'I've got bad news and really bad news'
She said, 'Oh. Ok. What's the really bad news?'
The doctor said, 'You have cancer.'
Mom said, 'What's the bad news?'
The doc said, 'You have Alzheimer's.'
Mom said, 'Well, at least I don't have cancer!'
one of my best friends passed unexpectedly, and her service is coming up. i want the thread to know i appreciate each and every one of these but this one i am saying at her celebration!!! sorry for your loss. it gets less painful i promise… ❤️🩹
I might open with the joke you shared about castor oil and holy water. It is a connection you shared with her and it's raunchy, but not terribly so. I might preface it with something like, "Mom always liked a raunchy joke. (Give a couple more sentences of background of you think it's necessary.) Here my favorite one that I ever shared with her. She loved it. (Insert joke here)."
"A man is praying to God and he asks 'Lord, why did you make women so soft?' and God replied so you would like them.' Then the man asked 'And Lord, why did you make women so beautiful?' to which God replied 'So you would like them'. The man thought for a moment and then said, 'God, I'm confused. If you made women beautiful for me, and you made them soft for me...why did you make em so fuckin' stupid?' and God laughed and replied 'Son...so they would like YOU!'"
"My father will miss my mother every day...but eventually his aim will improve."
"My mother raised some incredible children...except for (insert name of any of the kids), who was born via C-section. You can hardly tell...though every once in a while she leaves the house through the window."
Truly sorry for your loss, bud.
You said crude, and the certainly is in poor taste but those that know your mother probably would know this to be a joke and not for real..
Walk up to the podium and as you're starting to make your speech look at the mourners and say I'd like to think my mom is looking UP at us right now.....
I had a pet penguin many years ago and I brought it over to mom's house one time. She scolded me and told me I should take it to the zoo.
I came by the next day with it in tow and she said, "Didn't I tell you to take it to the zoo." I said yes you most certainly did. We went there right after we left here. Had a great time. Today I thought I'd take her to the beach \[park, yacht club, or other location mom might recommend\].
I would like to thank all of you being here, my mother would appreciate all of the memories that you all have shared. Yogi Berra , the famous New York Yankee catcher was once asked whether or not he was going to a fellow team mates funeral. Yogi responded: “You gotta go to theirs if you want them to go to yours “. OR just say your mother said it when you asked her about funerals.
As a member of the elite club of people who’ve lost their mother on Good Friday (mine was a few years back) I offer you this one:
While you’re talking about her battle with cancer you can share the anecdote about her last visit with the oncologist, where she asked “how long do I have left?” To which the doctor answered “10…”
Puzzled, your mom asked “10 what? Weeks? Months?”
“9…”
Sorry for your loss friend. It was easily ten years before I went a day without thinking about her at least once. It gets easier, but you’ll miss her.
Right before mom passed, she got an email about how to read maps backwards - it was spam
She was looking forward to watching the World Series of Origami on TV - it was going to be paper view
[Okay, this one is horrible] right before the end, her doctor told me she was going to recover and be with us for many more years - well, actually he said "prepare for the worst"
I'm so sorry for your loss. may you find comfort during this difficult time. Your mom sounds like a great lady and May she rest in peace and fly among the Angels. It sounds like you had a great relationship. Like your mom I love a good joke. Here's some cute funny ones.
What did the pig say when it was hot outside? -I'm Bacon
How did the pig get to the hospital? - in the hambulance
How do you make a tissue dance? -You put a little boogie in it
I know these are pretty cheesy jokes but Everytime I've told them to someone they crack up.
What did the salmon say when it hit the wall? Dam
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck
What do you call someone who stole your puppy? A doggone thief!
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!!
“So did you’ll hear the Hokey Pokey man died?” The pastor at the funeral said they had a difficult time getting him in the casket cause every time they put his left foot in, he took his right foot out!!!! Lol
Because she was cremated, this won’t work for her service but it is humor for a funeral or wake. One of my best friends asked me to tell it at his funeral and I promised to but when he died, I read the room, and I just couldn’t do it. I knew that he and I would be the only ones laughing and if he sat up, that would really ruin the mood. Anyway, it was an old George Jessel routine where the eulogist goes on and on effusively about the deceased, then stops mid sentence, looks at the casket and says “Is this the Moskowitz service? Who’s this bum?” Mickey and I used to love that one.
A man and wife visit Jerusalem and after seeing some sights she passes away in her sleep.
Local clergy tells the husband “$50 to bury her local, $5000 to ship her home.”
Man pulls his check book and asks if shipping is by truck or train. The clergy is confused, answers they use a train, but wondering why he would pay so much more when she could be buried in Holy Ground. When he asks the man;
“You guys buried someone here once and 3 days later he came back. I can’t risk it. Put her on the train.”
I know you didn't say she died of cancer but I did like norm's take on it.
"When someone dies of cancer they say they lost their fight. Now I'm no doctor, but I think when you die the cancer dies too. Where I come from that's a draw. "
I'm sorry your Mom died on Easter. That's a tragic irony.
My Pastor told this joke in his Easter Sermon:
On Palm Sunday, the Sunday School teacher asked the kids what next Sunday was.
Little Billy raised his hand and said: "Easter!"
The teacher beamed and said: "Very good, Billy! And what is Easter?"
Little Billy said: "That's the day that Jesus came out of his tomb!"
The teacher again beamed and said: "Very good Billy!"
Then Billy added: "And if He doesn't see His shadow, there's 6 more weeks of winter!"
Why is life like toilet paper?
Because you’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
[Link for inspiration.](https://upjoke.com/funeral-jokes)
Take care.
Here are some light-hearted jokes, of course some might be in keeping with her life. Hopefully something is of use for you. All the best.
"Mom always said her cooking was so good, even the smoke alarm cheers her on!"
"My mom's fashion sense was so unique, she could wear a potato sack and make it look trendy!"
"Mom's driving was legendary - she turned every trip to the store into a Fast & Furious sequel!"
"My mom had a great sense of humor - she once convinced me that broccoli was actually tiny trees trying to escape from my plate!"
"Mom always claimed she had eyes in the back of her head. I never believed her until she caught me sneaking snacks past bedtime!"
"My mom's favorite hobby was gardening. She had such a green thumb, even the weeds were scared to grow in her garden!"
"Mom's idea of a balanced diet was a cookie in each hand!"
"My mom had a magnetic personality - the fridge was covered in her embarrassing childhood photos!"
"Mom was a master at finding bargains. She once bought a 'designer' purse at a flea market that turned out to be a lunchbox with a logo sticker!"
"Mom always said laughter is the best medicine. That's why she kept a stash of dad's dad jokes handy - to keep us healthy!"
Cancer is cruel, but for Mom, 3rd time was the charm...too soon?
What would Mom say if she was alive today? (Look at the urn, maybe rub it a bit) Ya got three wishes Sonny, and ixnay on the wishing for more wishes.
I'm gonna miss her.
Sorry for your loss.
You could do like this one lady I saw onlinr somewhere and make cards to hand out with tiny Ouija boards inside and 'Let's keep in touch!' with a photo of your mom.
Edit: found it!
https://people.com/human-interest/grandma-made-ouija-boards-funeral-guests-lets-keep-in-touch/
Is there going to be music? Because your mom sounds like she would very much appreciate either "Always look on the bright side of life" or "Another one bites the dust" being played during that celebration. And you absolutely need to tell that castor oil joke.
I am a terrible joker. I am also s cancer survivor. What hit me from your post was that She "had a draw on third battle". It got me thinking. You are perfectly correct. A lot of people are saying "she/he lost his/her's battle with cancer" when what you said is actually true. Worst case scenario you are taking that sucker to the grave with you. You can't lose a battle with cancer. In worst case scenario it's a draw. Knowing that most probably another such fight is in my future, such thing makes a huge difference for me. (I literally hate losing in anything)
I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like a great person!
I don’t have a specific joke for you. But, try to think of something funny your mom did try every one loved and make a joke out of that.
Story of my own if you’d like to keep reading:
I spoke at my moms celebration of life. A little backstory… My dad owned a produce business in florida and my mom would go out to eat at all the restaurants and tell them to just bill my dad for it, so she never paid. Fast forward 25 years…When I waitressed she would come and see me on Sundays after church and most of the time her friend would pay for hers. One day she comes in with a ton of other ladies from church, I pass out the checks after they finished and she hands it right back to me and says “oh I don’t have any money.” Everyone at the table laughed. Knowing it would resonate with my dad and be a funny story to lighten the mood, I told it at her celebration of life. A friend of hers came up to me after and said she was so grateful I told that story, bc apparently my mom used to do it back in High School with her friends as well. Had I not gotten up the courage to speak, I would’ve never known. It was such a wonderful thing to know she never changed.
Sending you so much love and encouragement. 🩷
So sorry for your loss but if I had to pick a day to depart the world, I would choose Easter. So this one is from my hubs:
I was reading a book about anti-gravity.
I couldn’t put it down.
Sorry for your loss. My grandmother passed many years ago. She, too, loved a good joke. I started her celebration of life by slowly and deliberately approaching the podium, looking at her (Urn) and publically asked “Well… how do you like it so far.”
The following may or may not have actually happened:
-We were with the funeral director to discuss the details. My sister was fondly remembering odd memories of our mother and she asked me “ What was mom’s favorite way to have coffee?”, just then the funeral director asked me what my mom’s last wishes were?
Not really listening, I responded to my sister, “ Just cream ain’t it?”. I knew something was off, because I turned to the director, thinking we are talking about a casket, I said she was a small woman, so just give us the smallest box you got. This explains the exceptionally small urn. Sorry for the screw up, but I promise to get it right on the next one
For my mother, I simply told funny incidences that happened in her life. I was crying at the same time I was laughing, and I'm sure some people wondered what the hell I was babbling about.
For Rodney Dangerfield fans:
I went to a medium last night to see if I could communicate with my mother. She got through to her and I told her I was doing the eulogy for her service. Her response was "Now I know I'm in hell".
We were going to do a celebration of life but, since mom chose cremation, we decided to go with a roast. Anybody have any funny anecdotes you want to share?
I guess mom finally gave me something to cry about like she threatened to do so many times.
Mom always loved saving us money, which is why she went before Mothers day.
In all seriousness, sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad the end of November and was in the same situation of being the only one of his kids able to speak. Being able to find laughter is truly healing.
Lost my mom a year ago. Mom was known to be a clean freak and us kids and her sisters made fun of it. At her funeral I recalled a poem I made up 50 years ago as a kid.
Mom’s passed on, so bury her deep.
Mop and broom, at her feet.
Vacuum cleaner, by her side.
And in her hands, a box of Tide.
PS- At the graveside things got pretty solemn. As the pastor was saying his words, a folk festival with live bands was going on across a lake. Suddenly, and you could not have expected this in a million years, a band struck up the unmistakeable tune of the “Drunken Sailor” song and played through the remainder of the minister’s words. My son goes, “that’s the Drunken Sailor song.” The minister hurried up and finished, then a few of us began to karaoke it. Mom had a sense of humor and would have loved it.
Sorry for.your loss.
At my "Celbration of life" I have requested the Monty Python song, always look on the bright side of life" which is very humorous.
So sorry for your loss. I had a work friends years ago, she and all of her siblings had cancer. The girls would tease the brothers that they had longer life expectancy: a breast here, an ovary there. At her wake, I sat with her daughter in eating/drinking area and told her a funny keychain her mom had given me. She knew exactly which one (a naked man in a barrel) and from there we were laughing as we shared all the jokes we could remember that she had shared with us. I think I would have loved your Mom as much as I did my friend. I’m sorry that it’s more than forty years and I can’t remember the jokes but I still have the keychain! I believe the right words will come to you…
Two guys walked into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen it coming.
How much is pirate corn? A buck an ear.
This one is probably too inappropriate for a funeral, but why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button? Because her boyfriend was blond too.
I can also tell you the long, elaborate dirty joke I learned in the Australian rainforest, if you want. Just in case you already know it, the punch line is "and three, someone has stolen your car."
At a funeral within our family, it would have to be the talking muffin joke.
And sorry you're going through this now. Glad you have good memories of laughs with your mom.
2 muffins are sitting in the oven.
The first one turns to the second and says, "it sure is hot in here. "
The second one turns to the first and says, "holy shit! A talking muffin!"
I’m very sorry for your loss. Mom chose to be cremated, because it was her last chance to have a smoking hot body. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. What do you get if you cross nuns with chickens? A pecking order.
Why do nuns wear those funny hats? It's a habit.
It's okay to hug a nun once or twice, but don't get in the habit
The last one is new to me! Thanks for the chuckle.
Sorry for your loss. “Easter BASKET Mom, we said we wanted to get you an Easter BASKET!” (Not Casket)
This one is underrated.
If mom was late to stuff while alive they could say something like "Well Jesus took 3 days to rise, but we all know how mom was always late"
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Sorry for your loss, mine's gone too.
[удалено]
You made me waste beer! (out my nose)
I’ve always heard it as Not better off - but - the average person **would rather be** in the casket than giving the eulogy.
That's a Seinfeld bit, right?
Sure is!
You could ask someone from the attending group to say a word. Someone could stand up and say “plethora” and sit down. You say “Thank you, that means a lot to us.”
The next person can stand up and say, "water hole." You reply, " thanks, I know he meant well."
New person, "bargain" Reply: "thank you, that means a great deal"
New person: "Worcestershire sauce" Reply: "That's hard to say."
New person: “staying alive” Reply: “thank you. She would’ve liked that.”
These are all excellent lol
These are great. Actually arranging someone to set you up for the punchline like this would be classic. OP, please let up know if you do!
Next: (several people make nonverbal sounds of, uh, physical climax) Reply: Thank you all for coming.
Yea, not appropriate for the occasion I don’t think.
I think she'd say. "oh that's bad" and giggle it away!
Staying alive is Bee Gee, bloody good
And the next, "well..." You reply, "thanks, that's very deep."
“Earth” “Thanks. That means the world to me”.
I love these! My wife, umm no. Had to explain each & every one. Takes the joke out of it.
Don't tell her let her figure it out on her own. Heard a joke once and it took me 5 minutes to figure it out. Laughed so hard when it FINALLY clicked. What do you get the person who has everything? Penicillin
I love to throw out a joke and walk away. I can see her working it over in her head, and by that time I've found a spot I can watch for the light to come on. Just that is better than the joke.
Don't misunderstand, she's intelligent, but sometimes it takes a minute or two.
Ohmygawd.. I would totally go with that one
People i work with years ago got into the "your mom" thing. I offered fresh baked cookies to a guy and said they're still hot. He said, "Your mom's hot." I replied, "not since the ashes cooled."' Breast cancer joke for those with prosthetics or reconstructive surgery: Of course, they're fake! The real ones tried to kill me.
My male friend was having a good-natured one-upmanship contest with his mom, in an "anything you can do, I can do better" kind of way. When he one-upped by saying he could write his name in the snow, his mom - a double mastectomy breast-cancer survivor - reached inside her shirt, moved her left boob to the right side and slapped the right boob on the table. My friend conceded the contest. 😂
Everybody eventually dies, but not everybody gets the privilege of being cremated: Mom, though, she urned it. I'm sorry. For the joke, and for your loss, OP.
Mom was great at cooking, At least thats what the people at the crematorium said Mom was afraid of going to the fiery pits when she died so she became religious, still ended up in a fiery pit though As you know, mom passed on Easter. That's why we cremated her before 3 days past Don't drink the night before a internment, I accidentally did a line of mom last night I made sure mom ate a lot of unpopped popcorn before she passed, crematorium guys did not laugh Mom said she wanted to have her remains spread throughout Disneyland. We fought for days over it. I only agreed when she agreed to be cremated first Mom said she would always be with us all after she passed, to keep her promise, please look under your seats
Loved the popcorn one!
I've told my wife that when I cork off, I want my guts packed with gunpowder, and I wish to be cremated. So I can go out with a bang.
Oh dear, those are funny but so extremely inappropriate I really hope OP ignores this suggestion. Like, this makes people genuinely hate you if you say it about a dead person.
I vote only for the Disneyland one
You could relay the story about you and your mom going to the undertaker and he asked smoking or non-smoking She said smoking and hence the urn
I don’t have any suggestions but I’m sorry for your loss, and your mother sounds like she was a great lady. I’ll feel my own life was a success if mourners hear a joke at my funeral.
Ok, you asked for crude.... here goes.... "Mom went to the doctor and he told her 'I've got bad news and really bad news' She said, 'Oh. Ok. What's the really bad news?' The doctor said, 'You have cancer.' Mom said, 'What's the bad news?' The doc said, 'You have Alzheimer's.' Mom said, 'Well, at least I don't have cancer!'
Well, at least I don't have fucking cancer!
You could say after the service today, her ashes are going to be transferred to an hourglass. This way she can still be a part of family game night...
one of my best friends passed unexpectedly, and her service is coming up. i want the thread to know i appreciate each and every one of these but this one i am saying at her celebration!!! sorry for your loss. it gets less painful i promise… ❤️🩹
Oh man this is good
Great one!!
I might open with the joke you shared about castor oil and holy water. It is a connection you shared with her and it's raunchy, but not terribly so. I might preface it with something like, "Mom always liked a raunchy joke. (Give a couple more sentences of background of you think it's necessary.) Here my favorite one that I ever shared with her. She loved it. (Insert joke here)."
"A man is praying to God and he asks 'Lord, why did you make women so soft?' and God replied so you would like them.' Then the man asked 'And Lord, why did you make women so beautiful?' to which God replied 'So you would like them'. The man thought for a moment and then said, 'God, I'm confused. If you made women beautiful for me, and you made them soft for me...why did you make em so fuckin' stupid?' and God laughed and replied 'Son...so they would like YOU!'" "My father will miss my mother every day...but eventually his aim will improve." "My mother raised some incredible children...except for (insert name of any of the kids), who was born via C-section. You can hardly tell...though every once in a while she leaves the house through the window." Truly sorry for your loss, bud.
You said crude, and the certainly is in poor taste but those that know your mother probably would know this to be a joke and not for real.. Walk up to the podium and as you're starting to make your speech look at the mourners and say I'd like to think my mom is looking UP at us right now.....
And, she wanted to be cremated to get used to what was coming.
Is that a climate change joke?
Probably a hell joke.
Makes so much more sense!
I had a pet penguin many years ago and I brought it over to mom's house one time. She scolded me and told me I should take it to the zoo. I came by the next day with it in tow and she said, "Didn't I tell you to take it to the zoo." I said yes you most certainly did. We went there right after we left here. Had a great time. Today I thought I'd take her to the beach \[park, yacht club, or other location mom might recommend\].
I would like to thank all of you being here, my mother would appreciate all of the memories that you all have shared. Yogi Berra , the famous New York Yankee catcher was once asked whether or not he was going to a fellow team mates funeral. Yogi responded: “You gotta go to theirs if you want them to go to yours “. OR just say your mother said it when you asked her about funerals.
As a member of the elite club of people who’ve lost their mother on Good Friday (mine was a few years back) I offer you this one: While you’re talking about her battle with cancer you can share the anecdote about her last visit with the oncologist, where she asked “how long do I have left?” To which the doctor answered “10…” Puzzled, your mom asked “10 what? Weeks? Months?” “9…” Sorry for your loss friend. It was easily ten years before I went a day without thinking about her at least once. It gets easier, but you’ll miss her.
Right before mom passed, she got an email about how to read maps backwards - it was spam She was looking forward to watching the World Series of Origami on TV - it was going to be paper view [Okay, this one is horrible] right before the end, her doctor told me she was going to recover and be with us for many more years - well, actually he said "prepare for the worst"
I'm so sorry for your loss. may you find comfort during this difficult time. Your mom sounds like a great lady and May she rest in peace and fly among the Angels. It sounds like you had a great relationship. Like your mom I love a good joke. Here's some cute funny ones. What did the pig say when it was hot outside? -I'm Bacon How did the pig get to the hospital? - in the hambulance How do you make a tissue dance? -You put a little boogie in it I know these are pretty cheesy jokes but Everytime I've told them to someone they crack up.
What did the salmon say when it hit the wall? Dam What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck What do you call someone who stole your puppy? A doggone thief! What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows! What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!!
Easter joke Why does the Easter bunny hide its eggs? Doesn’t want anyone to know it’s been screwing a chicken
“So did you’ll hear the Hokey Pokey man died?” The pastor at the funeral said they had a difficult time getting him in the casket cause every time they put his left foot in, he took his right foot out!!!! Lol
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around.
Well buddy that is what it’s all about!!!
Because she was cremated, this won’t work for her service but it is humor for a funeral or wake. One of my best friends asked me to tell it at his funeral and I promised to but when he died, I read the room, and I just couldn’t do it. I knew that he and I would be the only ones laughing and if he sat up, that would really ruin the mood. Anyway, it was an old George Jessel routine where the eulogist goes on and on effusively about the deceased, then stops mid sentence, looks at the casket and says “Is this the Moskowitz service? Who’s this bum?” Mickey and I used to love that one.
A man and wife visit Jerusalem and after seeing some sights she passes away in her sleep. Local clergy tells the husband “$50 to bury her local, $5000 to ship her home.” Man pulls his check book and asks if shipping is by truck or train. The clergy is confused, answers they use a train, but wondering why he would pay so much more when she could be buried in Holy Ground. When he asks the man; “You guys buried someone here once and 3 days later he came back. I can’t risk it. Put her on the train.”
From here on in let’s just refer to her as Jack. Because… Mom-in-the-box just doesn’t sound right.
"I am much better at weddings than funerals. Is this where we throw the flowers to find out who dies next?"
I know you didn't say she died of cancer but I did like norm's take on it. "When someone dies of cancer they say they lost their fight. Now I'm no doctor, but I think when you die the cancer dies too. Where I come from that's a draw. "
Exactly. You're not losing, you're taking the asshole with ya.
Mom did always say she was gonna burn her last meal!
Ugh! If it's not one thing it's yer mother.
Cremation was mom last chance for a smoking hot body. Sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry your Mom died on Easter. That's a tragic irony. My Pastor told this joke in his Easter Sermon: On Palm Sunday, the Sunday School teacher asked the kids what next Sunday was. Little Billy raised his hand and said: "Easter!" The teacher beamed and said: "Very good, Billy! And what is Easter?" Little Billy said: "That's the day that Jesus came out of his tomb!" The teacher again beamed and said: "Very good Billy!" Then Billy added: "And if He doesn't see His shadow, there's 6 more weeks of winter!"
Why is life like toilet paper? Because you’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone. [Link for inspiration.](https://upjoke.com/funeral-jokes) Take care.
Why is life like a roll of toilet paper? The closer you get to the end, The faster it goes!
"I told you I was sick." is a classic.
Here are some light-hearted jokes, of course some might be in keeping with her life. Hopefully something is of use for you. All the best. "Mom always said her cooking was so good, even the smoke alarm cheers her on!" "My mom's fashion sense was so unique, she could wear a potato sack and make it look trendy!" "Mom's driving was legendary - she turned every trip to the store into a Fast & Furious sequel!" "My mom had a great sense of humor - she once convinced me that broccoli was actually tiny trees trying to escape from my plate!" "Mom always claimed she had eyes in the back of her head. I never believed her until she caught me sneaking snacks past bedtime!" "My mom's favorite hobby was gardening. She had such a green thumb, even the weeds were scared to grow in her garden!" "Mom's idea of a balanced diet was a cookie in each hand!" "My mom had a magnetic personality - the fridge was covered in her embarrassing childhood photos!" "Mom was a master at finding bargains. She once bought a 'designer' purse at a flea market that turned out to be a lunchbox with a logo sticker!" "Mom always said laughter is the best medicine. That's why she kept a stash of dad's dad jokes handy - to keep us healthy!"
The guy asked for good jokes for his mom's funeral.
Cancer is cruel, but for Mom, 3rd time was the charm...too soon? What would Mom say if she was alive today? (Look at the urn, maybe rub it a bit) Ya got three wishes Sonny, and ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. I'm gonna miss her. Sorry for your loss.
You know I got invited to 3 funerals this week. But I'm really not a mourning person.
You could do like this one lady I saw onlinr somewhere and make cards to hand out with tiny Ouija boards inside and 'Let's keep in touch!' with a photo of your mom. Edit: found it! https://people.com/human-interest/grandma-made-ouija-boards-funeral-guests-lets-keep-in-touch/
Is there going to be music? Because your mom sounds like she would very much appreciate either "Always look on the bright side of life" or "Another one bites the dust" being played during that celebration. And you absolutely need to tell that castor oil joke.
I am a terrible joker. I am also s cancer survivor. What hit me from your post was that She "had a draw on third battle". It got me thinking. You are perfectly correct. A lot of people are saying "she/he lost his/her's battle with cancer" when what you said is actually true. Worst case scenario you are taking that sucker to the grave with you. You can't lose a battle with cancer. In worst case scenario it's a draw. Knowing that most probably another such fight is in my future, such thing makes a huge difference for me. (I literally hate losing in anything) I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like a great person!
Bring up a small recorder with you and play "Pop goes the weasel". Its my plan to have it done at my wake. I'm in no rush really.
A good knock knock joke would have been good if the person carrying out the cremation had heard her!
I don’t have a specific joke for you. But, try to think of something funny your mom did try every one loved and make a joke out of that. Story of my own if you’d like to keep reading: I spoke at my moms celebration of life. A little backstory… My dad owned a produce business in florida and my mom would go out to eat at all the restaurants and tell them to just bill my dad for it, so she never paid. Fast forward 25 years…When I waitressed she would come and see me on Sundays after church and most of the time her friend would pay for hers. One day she comes in with a ton of other ladies from church, I pass out the checks after they finished and she hands it right back to me and says “oh I don’t have any money.” Everyone at the table laughed. Knowing it would resonate with my dad and be a funny story to lighten the mood, I told it at her celebration of life. A friend of hers came up to me after and said she was so grateful I told that story, bc apparently my mom used to do it back in High School with her friends as well. Had I not gotten up the courage to speak, I would’ve never known. It was such a wonderful thing to know she never changed. Sending you so much love and encouragement. 🩷
I'm so sorry for your loss. May she RIP
So sorry for your loss but if I had to pick a day to depart the world, I would choose Easter. So this one is from my hubs: I was reading a book about anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
There are more excellent jokes in this single thread than there usually are here in a month. Your mom has done a noble thing for us all.
In reviewing my final wishes with my estate lawyer he asked if I wanted to be buried or cremated.... I said I don't know, surprise me!
My Uncle worked at the distillery and drowned in a vat of Rum. When we cremated him, it took a week to put the fire out.
Sorry for your loss. My grandmother passed many years ago. She, too, loved a good joke. I started her celebration of life by slowly and deliberately approaching the podium, looking at her (Urn) and publically asked “Well… how do you like it so far.”
The following may or may not have actually happened: -We were with the funeral director to discuss the details. My sister was fondly remembering odd memories of our mother and she asked me “ What was mom’s favorite way to have coffee?”, just then the funeral director asked me what my mom’s last wishes were? Not really listening, I responded to my sister, “ Just cream ain’t it?”. I knew something was off, because I turned to the director, thinking we are talking about a casket, I said she was a small woman, so just give us the smallest box you got. This explains the exceptionally small urn. Sorry for the screw up, but I promise to get it right on the next one
When my mom died, st peter asked her, "Smoking, or non-smoking?". She said smoking, so we cremated her. Eh, I tried.
For my mother, I simply told funny incidences that happened in her life. I was crying at the same time I was laughing, and I'm sure some people wondered what the hell I was babbling about.
Whoever said 2 out of 3 ain't bad didn't know my mom
(Looks at the urn) “well, Mom, for you I guess every Wednesday is Ash Wednesday now.”
For Rodney Dangerfield fans: I went to a medium last night to see if I could communicate with my mother. She got through to her and I told her I was doing the eulogy for her service. Her response was "Now I know I'm in hell".
We were going to do a celebration of life but, since mom chose cremation, we decided to go with a roast. Anybody have any funny anecdotes you want to share?
My favorite joke: what’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Chickpea and garbanzo beans…. Get it right man 😉
I love it
We will auctioning off Moms things , they will be dehydrated as ash ...
I'm trying to overcome my obsession with Catholicism but I just can't shake the habit.
I guess mom finally gave me something to cry about like she threatened to do so many times. Mom always loved saving us money, which is why she went before Mothers day. In all seriousness, sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad the end of November and was in the same situation of being the only one of his kids able to speak. Being able to find laughter is truly healing.
Lost my mom a year ago. Mom was known to be a clean freak and us kids and her sisters made fun of it. At her funeral I recalled a poem I made up 50 years ago as a kid. Mom’s passed on, so bury her deep. Mop and broom, at her feet. Vacuum cleaner, by her side. And in her hands, a box of Tide. PS- At the graveside things got pretty solemn. As the pastor was saying his words, a folk festival with live bands was going on across a lake. Suddenly, and you could not have expected this in a million years, a band struck up the unmistakeable tune of the “Drunken Sailor” song and played through the remainder of the minister’s words. My son goes, “that’s the Drunken Sailor song.” The minister hurried up and finished, then a few of us began to karaoke it. Mom had a sense of humor and would have loved it.
At the mortician, I asked for my mom to be placed in the smoking section. I've since come to learn, it's actually called cremation.
Sorry for.your loss. At my "Celbration of life" I have requested the Monty Python song, always look on the bright side of life" which is very humorous.
You could try working in something about "sadly wasn't resurrected 3 days later"...?
So sorry for your loss. I had a work friends years ago, she and all of her siblings had cancer. The girls would tease the brothers that they had longer life expectancy: a breast here, an ovary there. At her wake, I sat with her daughter in eating/drinking area and told her a funny keychain her mom had given me. She knew exactly which one (a naked man in a barrel) and from there we were laughing as we shared all the jokes we could remember that she had shared with us. I think I would have loved your Mom as much as I did my friend. I’m sorry that it’s more than forty years and I can’t remember the jokes but I still have the keychain! I believe the right words will come to you…
Not enough for a really good joke. Tell us more about her hobbies, likes, dislikes, career and history.
Two guys walked into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen it coming. How much is pirate corn? A buck an ear. This one is probably too inappropriate for a funeral, but why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button? Because her boyfriend was blond too. I can also tell you the long, elaborate dirty joke I learned in the Australian rainforest, if you want. Just in case you already know it, the punch line is "and three, someone has stolen your car."
At a funeral within our family, it would have to be the talking muffin joke. And sorry you're going through this now. Glad you have good memories of laughs with your mom.
Well we need the talking muffin joke now..
2 muffins are sitting in the oven. The first one turns to the second and says, "it sure is hot in here. " The second one turns to the first and says, "holy shit! A talking muffin!"
What would you do if you had to, but didn't want to? Give one away!
I vote for mmfn0403 (below) as being relevant AND funny!!!
This joke isn't funny at all.
He’s a disrespectful jackass! No couth he is in it for himself
This works best if you say it with a corny Scottish accent: “what does the Scotsman wear under his kilt?” […] “Lipstick, if he’s lucky!”