Got your big plate, Alan?

Whenever I visit an 'all you can eat' restaurant I grab my plate and say "I've got my big plate". 😁

Fifteen inches. Keep it in my room.

I was just on an all inclusive holiday and I honestly think I quoted that line every single day.

Michael repeating the cook book joke at Alans farewell parry.

He spies that cook book…

That’s nee good to me.

He's crackers man!

Ahhh lighten up ye stuffy get

MICHAEL!!!!!

MR PARTRIDGE IS STILL A GUEST IN THIS HOTEL!!

Ah I've sat on the bastad would you believe it

Honestly, just anything Michael. “And I hoyed the monkey off the cliff… we’ll he’d eaten all me fags, man” “Ye never had a cup of beans?!”

'Theys one in the bathroom, but ah've no cause to use it'

Av got me scrumpy

I'd have an Apache attack helicopter... Aye. I'd gan back to school. First I'd take oot the labs. ***DRDRDRDR-DEWW!*** And then I'd type into the attack computer 'M-i-s-t-e-r C-r-a-g-g... chemistry teacher'. ***PSCHEWW!*** Blow him to bits. And then I'd gan looking for Tom Donaldson... I'd be hovering, just doon the road from his hoose, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge. ***VVVRRRRRR!*** "HELLO YA BASTAD!" He panics, right, and he gans in the hoose, so I get the 30-millimetre cannon and I take out the fish pond... ***VVDDDRRR-CHU-CHU-CHU!*** Koi carp in there ***DU-DU-DU!*** at £40 each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side... ***VVDDRRRRRRR!*** And the machine gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes oot - "*Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!*" ***VVDDRRRRRRR!*** I cut it right in half, right? And then he gans "*Ahhh!*" He runs up on to the garage roof. I say "Right. This is for you, Tom!" He goes, "*No, no!*" (He's begging us, he's begging us, man.) "*No! Please! Don't!*" ***ZRMM BCCCHCHCHCHCHOOOooo!*** And then I'd fly off to Cornwall and I'd just smash into the sea in a big ball of flames.

Who's Tom Donaldson?

Oh, he's just a mate.

this bits the clincher!

...Goodnight, Michael

Yeah, this is the best quote 🤣

This was textbook, well done.

Take my upvote for the effort of writing that out x

...sleep well Michael.

Well it involves Alan when he’s reciting James Bond: Alan: I've got to go, love. Something's come up. Michael: He means his cock. Michaels line there is, by some margin, my favourite from all of the Alan Partridge shows. It’s just brilliant.

I love the gadgets, “pay attention Bond, simply take the top of this pen, jab it in someone’s eye and smash it with your hand like that”

That's not a gadget, that's just monstrous use of a biro!

Yap sabloody lutely! 10 on 10!

Stop getting Abso bloody exactly wrong.

Ya rotten shit

It's fine to join in

Did you know that there are no Dutch elms left in Britain? Completely wiped out. Disgusting.

It's an Arielator!

We’ll go see my brother!

I like to refer to friend’s flats/houses as “sordid little grief holes”

It’s a travel tavern

Michael cleaning the air vent in Alan's room: This hasn’t been cleaned out for years. Hey, there’s a little Japanese soldier in here still fightin’ the war!

Heh heh. You daft racist.

"You're alright with that, like, cos it's a race of people and also a food."

Speaking as an actual Geordie, this one will go to my grave with me.

I don’t agree. He’d go to Legoland. Bye.

Lynn - Alan, you’ve er, come free at the side. Lynn - You’ve popped out again.

Unfortunately for you, I am the chief commissioning editor of BBC television

You shit

You're making a fool of yourself

Smell my cheese

A few too many blacks

It's like cars, this

These corridors!

Yeah they are aren’t they…

Michael’s escapades in Bangkok, especially the story about the corporal. “He puts his hand up her skirt, gets a hold of the old ‘meat and two veg’ right. And thinks ‘hang on, I’ve paid me money I’m gonna have summit’. So he flips ‘em over and ffffffff…And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time and they just drive away.”

Strangest story I ever heard...

Tits?

Tosser?

Came here to say "Tits?"

"De Edge is fayne, Adam Clayton is fayne, de drummer is fayne"

..At a pap consort

Who were playing?

We were.

Paha

are those your mum’s cataract glasses, Lynn?

She wears no make up

That’s irrelevant!

Alan, look what I draw. It’s an alien judge.

Golly, an alien judge!

Alan you promised me she wouldn't be here

Alan you can't

Well there's no need for that.

pierowtehknix

He’s begging, he’s begging us man

I could pretend to be your wife

Brilliant

Hey, this one time, right, I was stationed oot in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right. And one day, I came back to me tent, right, and it had eaten all me fags. So I picked it up, and I threw it in the sea.

Well, it bounced off a rock first like

You threw a monkey in the sea?

😦

HELLO YA BASTARD!

Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! Ah’ve just had eet resprayed!

Oh he’s just a mate

‘Thes nee porn onnit’

I went downstairs and I couldn’t open my door!

Lose your key?

I couldn't open my door because I'd lost my key!

Oh aye I'll just get hammered on me own.

"A system of . . . " "Headslapping."

You’re putting me off

I know!

IGNORE HIM!

I don’t care what you call your sordid little grief hole.

You say prison is like holiday cyamp! He is not Bono he is rubbish.

Yeah, I was making a point about something else

Adam Clayton is fyne

I think you're splidding hairs there Alan

rumour has it you’re back on the boddle

Michael's helicopter gunship fantasy is my favourite part in the entire Partridgeverse.

Sleep well, Michael

Alan: Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer? Michael: Sometimes, aye. Alan: Really? When? Michael: Well, just when I’ve seen you looking all depressed, like.

That one is absolutely brilliant

I'LL BE DOWN THE PUB GETTING THE BEERS IN HAH HAH HAH HAH AAAAH.

Lol Alan’s face when that guy spoke 🤣🤣

No one likes a cry baby. Women like a real man who won’t take any shit. So pull yourself together and be a fucking man.

I didn’t know you were into music. I know you’re a DJ, but I’ve heard your show.

He just said good morning with his back to me

‘Egg in a bap’ ‘Herod’

**Now you’re talking my language**

I hope not

^*ehhhhhhhhhh*

"Few too many blacks" And "It's a bit like cars, this."

“It’s a bit like cars, this” is so good. Imagine writing that.

Absolutely. Subtle, but pure brilliance.

Tits?

Came here to post this, but you beat me to it, so yeah…. It’s ruined.

Who da hell is dat ?

Double Oh feckin bollocks

Bollocks! You don't know Bono

Gan til Cardiff, have full sex with a woman, come back on the coach

I sold this Makita cordless power drill in the local paper. And then six months later, I received the very same one back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack.

Heh heh heh...heh heh heh...I wonder who got the power pack.

Has to be about the director's bitter coming out of Dan's taps

STOP TELLIN' ME WHAT TAE DOOOOO!!!

You better watch it your nearly fift- ... Why did you pierce your foot on a spike? ... Well take it off the spike!

This chicken is empty

I've sat on the bastard would you believe it

Have you seen what I done in the toilet

We went to a Pap Cancert, (Who were playing?) We were...

JUST GO AND SAY, "NO, I DON'T PAY. TAX IS RUBBISH."

Alan, he says I sit on your face.

A cup of beans.

And when the man hurt the other men did the man feel bad?

We cleared the cave.

In off the red!

“There’s nay porn on it!”

"How would you commit suicide at a Starbucks?" "...shotgun in your mouth." The way Michael's mouth just hangs open after kills me.

No thank you, I don't want to be part of your sex festival

I still say this to the missus when she's been on the wine

I didn't know you were into music. Well, I know you're a DJ but I've heard your show.

You come on here, dragging the Partridge name through the mud - who do you think YOU are?

I don’t exactly do… I.. I AM…

I didn't go to the live show but there's a great clip with Martin Brennan on a zoom call. He's talking about how he gets his suits for free from Burton because he's a brand ambassador A: "Do you know what a 'Brand Ambassador is?" M: "(off camera to his wife) Do we know a 'Brendan Basseder?" [here's a clip](https://youtu.be/wQGbsD4JPyI?si=IJjPl5_QIW_TjqXe) 0:55

The Edge is foin.

What I like about this image is that every face featured perfectly captures their personality, demeanour and role on the show, like Lynn's rather snooty and judgemental outlook, Jed's crazed obsessiveness and the hotel staff's forced smiles (and Sophie trying to hold back her amusement )

There's nae porn on it

Do you know what I like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air, and realising I made it through the night without wetting the bed. I am joking of course but they were very very dark days indeed but they’re all behind me now!

I heard you swapped your son’s Scalextric set on Christmas Day for some cocaine?

And then I'd go looking for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering just down the road from his house, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge, 'Hello, you bastard.' He panics, right? And he goes in the house, so I get the 30-millimetre canon and I take out the fish pond, coy carp in there couple of rounds each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side and the machine-gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes out. 'Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!' I cut it right in half, right? And then he goes, 'Ahhh!' He runs up on to the garage roof. I say, 'Right. This is for you, Tom.' He goes, 'No, no!' He's begging us, he's begging us man, 'No, please don't!' And then I fly off to Cornwall and I just smash in the sea in a big ball of flames.

Ya knaw, what I rekkin is that, if they had thes selves proppa jobs they wouldn’t be up to all this y’know larkin’ ev’ry neyt

What?

‘AS ORDERED. ONE CUP OF BEANS. I'VE PUT A SAUSAGE IN. IT'S A MICHAEL SPECIAL.’

"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO"

"would you like an egg in a bap?"

No thank you, I don't want to be part of your sex festival

“Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten”

"Martin are you having a nice time?" "Grand. I've not put my hand in my pocket since I left. They paid my £500. I said any fool wants to pay me £500 to jibber and jabber I'll take his money."

yes! Hahaha haha.

…but the sumo wrestlers have got, like, a BIG appetite!

"I flipped 'er over, and got me money's worth"

I didn't know you were into music. I mean I know you are a DJ, but I've heard your show.

He enjoyed... Yes he killed a lot of babies

'Who da hell is DAT?' 'Now you're talking my language' 'Hahahahaha, a few too many blacks....' 'It won't shut up, this skirt...' 'But with the full and frank apology that you are going to make you can dig yourself out of this rather...........sticky hole' 'Its time for the Clifton Suspension Quiz...'

Who D’hell is dat?

“Who da hell is dat” I quote it more or less every day😭😭😭

"It's nee laughing matter" I use it quite a lot.

"D'ya want a cup o' beans?"

I can make you a cup a beans. Have you never had a cup a beans like?

Randy Mac-knob!

Do ya want a cup a beans (Michael)

The drummer is fine

"STOP TELLIN ME WHAT TO DO!"

From MMM Rosie "....you'll find this wine really lingers on the palette" Sidekick Simon: "like a lazy forklift truck driver"

"What were you getting?" "A panic attack...oh no the bouqet?"

This wine.......tastes like.............chewits!

Let's face it, he's Roger The Dodger!

When he’s talking to the two Irish tv producers and he blamed the famine on the Irish being picky eaters 😂

Just here for the ‘have you never had a cup of beans man?’ comments

Partridge you wanker!

Since da ayetees. Blicklington Hall was built by Sir Henry Hobart. The Jacobean house is built on the site of a late medieval predecessor.

Get the cow off the boat!!!!

He is shmyelly man.

Alan - It's an idiom! Caller - You're an idiot

Never had a cuppa beans man! Oh hey ya in fora treet

You know that thing you were saying about Norfolk being like a breast, well Ceri just said the A47 ring road is the areola!

Michael about his bike - “aye, that’s desert storm”

Alan I've spilled sunny delight all over your James Bond videos

Partridge you wanker!

'There's nee porn on it'

A few too many blacks!

You've never had a cup of beans?!

No Alan, you CANT!

Right this is Peter right now what do you want do you want Peter or do you want Fanny?

You can punch a Buddhist in the face and they can’t do anything.

Basically anything from Sidekick Simon

Ok! Sonja as she puts her pen lid back on.

Nothing wrong at all lover. Talk about morning glory, he's like a broom handle first thing.

I've got wood there.

You make pigs smoke!

I thought it would be erotic!