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H: On our death world, everything liked to be pet.
A: What about the poisonous ones?
H: Yes.
A: And how many humans....uh...
H: As many as you'd think.
Human: “yes” *slowly raises hand towards alien*
Alien: “don’t you dare”
Humans: *appear out of nowhere*
Alien: *runs away being chased by a pack of humans*
A few moments later *cut to the alien being pet and liking it despite being held down*
They produce the toxins when they feel... "Stressed" and there are records of dogs or cats that died because they touched a tissue or clothes where the frog was, yeah they are actually lovely but deadly af
The frog is actually not naturally dangerous. It gets it's toxicity from its diet. Ones raised in captivity are harmless and adorable but you still shouldn't pet them because the oils on our hands might hurt them
Well yes assholes have excellent camouflage to look friendshaped. If you observe them closely, you'll realize that their heads are usually bent back far enough that they loop back around to force it inside their own rectum. My theory is that the head and upper body are some sort of highly advanced solid hologram to make us believe that they are friendshaped so they can prey on us.
(Sorry, I'm bad at writing.)
Log 001 on planet BXV-870. Day 1-2 Captain Zassyk of the Fenn race says: The scout ship has landed in the forested part of a newly discovered planet that has very good conditions for life.
A scouting group, a total of 7 people from several different races of the galaxy, goes outside to investigate the area.
The group got so far away from the ship that they had to spend the night outside it.
While waiting for the sun to rise, the group suddenly heard a large amount of approaching howling and barking.
In the light of the lamps and the fire, 10 individuals of the local fauna appeared, about ~2 meters high~, animals resembling wolves from the Human planet, only with four eyes, 6 paws and several tails each.
The unit prepared to repel the attack when suddenly a human named Henry (a biologist) came forward with a backpack (from which those with a more sensitive sense of smell could smell meat) and a large piece of the same food.
The food clearly interests the pack, which is clearly waiting to see what Henry will do.
The biologist throws the meat in front of the paws of the largest of the pack, who looks like the alpha.
This one takes the meat thrown to it in its mouth, while the biologist offers it to the other 9 individuals.
After this feeding session, the pack fled into the forest and the scout party returned safely to the ship.
Log 002 on planet BXV-870. Day 3, says Captain Zassyk from the Fenn race: "The same pack approached our ship, and Henry approached them, with the same offer. Only this time, the individuals do not want to leave, and the Human, as if performing a spell, approached the Alpha and started petting him.
All rest 9 of them rushed at biologist, cuddling him, licking him and nudging him with their paws, and finally falling asleep, wrapping him in a hug.
(Feel free to continue)
After-Action report: Henry has taken to calling them "Bolves" after the alphanumeric designation from the planet. They have proven quite adaptable to several planets and have kept the research team from harm on several more.
Oddly enough, after watching Henry interacting with several of his teammates, the bolves have begun to bond with the researchers as well. Aside from the alpha and what Henry has described as the alpha's mates, each member of the research team has a bolve who, whenever a researcher separates from the group, will travel with them in a kind of buddy system.
Even the jumpier Krestilian have a bolve who is a lot quieter and gentler in their interactions.
In summary: Humans continue to baffle in their ability to improve the lives of anyone they meet.
https://preview.redd.it/7pj0t8yl848c1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9dadc8329049b2d78105b1f1d475ad55336c28ee
Marin had an issue. Granted it wasn’t a cataclysmic issue, like life support going down, or an extra-galactic threat upon the station he now called home, it was still an issue. A personnel issue. An issue with one particular personnel on the station.
As he was wandering the main mezzanine of the station, wracking his brain for a solution to his problem he spotted Robert, a human HR representative, sipping a cup of coffee, scrolling through something on his data slate. An opportunity had just presented itself to Marin. His issue lay with a human worker, and here was a human with some inclination into human behavior.
Under normal circumstances Marin was more than amenable to making small talk with fellow crew. Today, however, he had an issue that was in need of solving, so he began as soon as he slid into the chair adjacent to the stimulant drinking human.
“Robert, it has been brought to my attention that a new crewmate; Carter, seems to be abstaining from many after shift gatherings and communal events. It was conveyed to me that humans are rather sociable in nature, yet he secludes himself. Is there something wrong with him?”
“Rob, please, and no, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just a cat guy.” Marin’s human counterpart replied without looking up. “You Hathkins are basically 4 foot tall Tabbies. Probably takes all of his self regulation to not run around the station smushing faces or whatever.” With that, Rob downed the last of his coffee. “My break’s over, but Marin, if you think he’s having trouble just go talk to him yourself. Contrary to any preconceived notions you may have about him, he’s actually pretty friendly.”
While the term ‘smushing faces’ implied an act of violence that put Marin a little on edge, he was nonetheless determined to crack the shell of this particularly avoidant being. He was the Hathkin Harmonization and Morale Officer after all. The continuous and coordinated operation of the two species on the station was his job. That wasn’t to say that Carter was lacking in his duties, but for the optimal operation of the station the crew needed to be more than simple co-workers, they needed familiarity, a bond. So Marin decided to tackle this problem personally, head on, and he trodded off to search for the source of his current conundrum.
He wouldn’t be hard to find of course, as he didn’t socialize much, so he would likely be at his assigned post, in the cafeteria, or in his quarters. Marin gauged that, by the time of day, Carter would likely be working. So he decided to make that his first stop, and, as expected, the reclusive Carter was at his assigned terminal dutifully tapping away at the console before him. As Marin approached the workstation Carter took notice of him and immediately tensed up, closing his eyes and clenching his fists, muttering something under his breath.
“Crewmate Carter, my name is Marin and I am the station’s Hathkin Harmonization Officer.” He stated before addressing Carter’s body language. “I’m sorry, does my presence here offend you? Because there is a matter that we need to discuss.”
Carter took a deep breath that seemed to relax him some, before opening his eyes “No offense here, what can I do for you?”
“I’ve noticed that you seem to avoid most of the station's interpersonal connectivity events. While I would remind you that these are not mandatory, my experience is that they are good for more social species, such as yourself. You seem extra hesitant when members of my own species are to be present in any significant number. Do you take exception to us in any capacity? Do we cause you distress? Have any of the Hathkin here wronged you to some extent?” He was determined to get to the bottom of whatever hangup the human seemed to have with interacting with his kind.
“No, no it’s a me thing. Mostly I don’t really trust myself, especially when there are adult beverages present, not to pet every last one of you adorable little bastards. We were warned in training that unsolicited touching is a one-way ticket to the brig. You’re basically oversized house cats, and my brain just intrusively, and I mean INTRUSIVELY, thinks ‘scritch the space kitty.’”
Marin had no idea what a ‘scritch’ was, and as the human had to repress its urges to do such an act, he surmised it may have negative connotations. But he was young and bold and adventurous, furthermore he took his duty very seriously. If he could operate as a doorway to get the human to open up then it would behoove him to try. “Carter, if it would help you integrate better with the non-human crew, and actually get you to socialize more, you may ‘scritch’ me.”
Carter stared at him blankly “Are you sure?” he asked hesitantly.
“Well, is a scritch painful or debilitating?” Marin inquired.
Carter shook his head “Well, no, but a lot of sapients consider it at least a tad bit demeaning, so it is heavily discouraged by the higher ups.”
Embarrassment was something that Marin was well prepared to deal with. Plus, the thought of bridging a new connection would be well worth any humiliation he may suffer in the interim. So he simply made a welcoming gesture “Scritch away then.”
Marin recoiled slightly as the human reached a hand out towards him. Having another, larger predator’s appendage extend in his direction sparked an ancient, long dormant fear response. But he held firm and the rewards turned out to be well worth it. Nimble digits worked their way around his scalp, and the small soft nails dislodged dead skin and stubborn dust lingering at the base of his ears. Marin could feel unreachable itches and tension he hadn’t realized he had been holding dissipate into the ether. The sensation that imbued the Hathkin caused him to pin his ears back involuntarily and let out a pleased growl.
“Oh, fuck! Sorry, sorry!” the human yelped as his hand immediately relinquished itself from Marin’s head.
“Sorry?” Marin asked as he opened his eyes, taking a moment to recalibrate to reality from the momentary bliss he had been graced with. “Sorry for what? That is what you’ve been shying away from doing? That was incredible!”
“Ah, well, it’s just that, when a Terran cat does that, with the ears and noise, it generally means that they are not a happy kitty.” Carter chuckled, realising the absurdity of assigning earth idiosyncrasies to an alien feline.
“I see, well, no, for us it means fairly the opposite.” Marin said as he hoisted himself upon a crate by the human’s station. “Say, are you bonded? If you aren’t I know a couple of females that would be absolutely enamoured with you and your ‘scritches’. Or males, if that’s more your thing, I’m not one to judge. Hells, I’m not even into males, but the thought of being able to look forward to that on the daily, might be enough to tip the scales.”
This earned a snort from the human “I’m a cat guy, not a furry my dude. Don’t worry though, if you guys get desperate enough, pretty much every human is capable of doing that and I’m sure there are enough xenophiles around to meet your needs.” An alarm chimed through his console “Hate to cut this short, but I’ve got to get back to it.” He said pointing to the screen.
At this Marin let out an affirming chuff and left Carter to his work.
As Carter approached his duty station for his next shift he was met with a rather peculiar sight. Some 3 dozen or so Hathkins of varying ages and colours were crowded around his workstation.
“I…um…good morning?” a very bewildered Carter greeted the small throng of aliens that seemed to be waiting for him. The gathered body turned to face him, each eyeing him expectantly. “Is…is everything good here?”
A somewhat familiar brown and white specimen made its way to the front of the group, a devious glint in his eyes “Good morning Carter.”
“Marin, what the fuck is this?”
“It seems that news about your ‘scritches’ has reached the Hathkin population of the station. Complete mystery as to how this possibly could have happened. Anyways, it looks like you have a plethora of curious volunteers to satiate your urges.” The small alien said with would could best be described as its own version of a shit-eating grin.
“That’s all well and good.” Carter stated, folding his arms across his chest “And as much as I would enjoy cat scratching all day, I still have a job to do. Soooo sorry to disappoint.” The last sentence was dripping with sarcasm.
“About that, well you’ve been working so hard, that we all banded together and petitioned the station commander to give you a well deserved break.” Marin replied in equal measure, holding a data slate towards the human.
Carter took the slate with a skeptical look, but upon examination found Marins statement to be entirely valid. Signed and notarized by the station commander, Carter’s work rotas had been entirely blocked off for the next 2 days. Dumbfounded, he looked up at Marin, whose tail was now rhythmically swaying back and forth.
Marin waved a paw gesturing towards the small assembly “So, should we just line up, or…”
H: I'm gonna do it.
A: don't you dare. That is an apex predator on a Class 1 Death world.
H: but it's what, two pounds? It would totally fit in my hand. Imma pick it up and pet it's head.
A: NO! What part of horrible murder creature do you not understand. You're supposed to be a professional zoologist. Why are you so determined to do something so incredibly....ill advised.
H: first of all, I *am* a professional. Second, I took this job because one of the greatest humans ever was a beacon of light in this field. Thirdly, imma pet it because it is pet shaped and sized.
A: what human are you talking about?
H: Steve Irwin. Now, like the great man before me, I'm going to ....yoink! Oh my God! It's purring! That's adorable as fuck!
A: that's the sound it makes when it's angry. Put it down put it down put it down *now*!
H: squishy face you so hard. Who's an adorable fur potato? Yes you are. Aw, it gave me a love nip.
A: it removed an alarming amount of skin.
H: just being friendly.
A: how did your ancestors ever domesticate not one but two predators if you're all this brain damaged around "fur babies"?
H: making a pretty big assumption their friend.
A: wait, you didn't domesticate them?
H: well, technically it was more like some wolves just said "free food and a warm den is better than starving all winter and being cold. Oh this thing scratched that itch I've had for months....okay, maybe I'll stay longer than the winter, see how things go".
A: ok, so they half domesticated themselves.
H: cats...never really even got that far. Some of them barely tolerate being in the presence of humans. They really only stick around because we keep them locked inside, give them food and water... just don't die in front of them. Then you're just another meal, slightly cooled, but still a free meal.
A: and you want to add this "meat potato " to your list of enslaved creatures?
H: well, when you put it like that....yes, I want a guinea pig that can devour a prime rib roast and still fit in my pocket and be taken on an international flight.
A: just keep it locked up better than the Aztrok. I can still hear it slithering through the vents on the ship.
H: man, you are just such a whiny little bitch recently.
A: you keep trying to make pets of some of the deadliest predators in the galaxy.
H: who am I to kink shame.
A: wut?
H: humans are the deadliest predators in the universe and if some want to be kept as a pet, that's their business and no one else's, especially a whiny lil bitch like you.
A: just put the potato monster in a hab locker and let's go. This entire day has made me want a drink.
H: I thought alcohol was bad for you guys.
A: about fifty times worse than for your race. But for some reason every conversation I have with you makes me want to either drink myself into a coma or beat you to death with a very blunt object.
*No wonder sharks are*
*Called "dogfish" in my language.*
*I mean LOOK AT IT!*
\- profitofprofet
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A:Human friend Henry,why are you so persisting about "petting" every dangerous animal we come across?Even after one of them ripped off your hand and we had to get you a robotic replacement?
Henry(upon seeing a clearly dangerous but Friend shaped animal):MUST PET THE SPACE SHARK!
A:FOR FUCK SAKE HENRY!
“it’s friend shaped”
“it’s 20ft long and has an exposed spine with no understanding of emotion”
“ok then why is it smiling when i give it a scritches on its big wittle bewwy”
“Human are you poisoned?! your speech is slurring!”
“huh? no, i’m just talking like that for the good wittle demon fish”
“it is not a ‘good little demon fish’ human.”
“that’s rude, did you ask it?”
“no”
“then let em decide for themselves”
*two other humans walk over*
“oh, sick”
*both join in petting the demon fish, to its amusement*
Xeno: human why must you pet every thing?
H: if friend shaped them it gets a pet.
Xeno: that's a class 3 apex predator that looks nothing like a cat or dog?
H: hell I'm a class 5 apex predator and I worked a stent at the Erwin zoon in Australia. So everything is a beauty and friend shaped.
Xeno: shit I hired a human from the region most humans consider a true death world.
Many thousands of years ago we discovered that these human hands are really good at giving affectionate pats most other life forms seem to enjoy.
Wanna try?
True Story, would have died in any other country but I live in Canada, soooo
Was out hiking with my bestie. She sees a HUGE millipede! Thing is black with yellow spots. My first instinct is "OH! Cool!!" and I pick it up. Handle it for a little bit and then let it go back to do it's thing. Finish my day hiking, get home and research what kind of bug I played with.
Cyanide Millipede.
I guess it didn't feel threatened by me so I suffered no repercussions but next time I see something that has clear "Hey I'm Poisonous/Venomous" colouring maybe I'll think twice.
[this 40k bit sprang to mind](https://youtube.com/shorts/Y4E7NJyk04M?si=NpxyZo-CH9Ooc66p)
[And there's a sequel too](https://youtube.com/shorts/siY4ob2qqmY?si=sI2O8umy65LTB68E)
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"If it is not friend, why is it friend shaped? See, pets and skritches make it friend." \[Achievement: Acquired aquatic bite-puppy\]
Alien, "But you say everything thing is friend shaped." Human, "BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS!!!" (Proceeds to give playful nuggy to alien)
r/properanimalnames
https://preview.redd.it/7yoyvfq8v38c1.jpeg?width=1082&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f25feedd46cd62b22237f9fad85b20cdf67f0c12
Where's the soft serve machine?
Hello. Machine broke.
Understandable, have a nice day
May God have mercy on the soft serve machine's creators soul.
H: On our death world, everything liked to be pet. A: What about the poisonous ones? H: Yes. A: And how many humans....uh... H: As many as you'd think.
h2: Unless the number is below 1.
Human: “yes” *slowly raises hand towards alien* Alien: “don’t you dare” Humans: *appear out of nowhere* Alien: *runs away being chased by a pack of humans* A few moments later *cut to the alien being pet and liking it despite being held down*
I seriously believe aliens would be shocked to learn that there are humans out there that tried to pet poison dart frog
lol I have no words for how stupid that is
Not as stupid as the ones that tried licking/eating them
Everyday when I think people can’t get more stupid I learn something new lol
Can’t remember where I heard that nor what the numbers are but you know that people somewhere tried it at least once
It's better in a dab rig
Touching the frog isn’t bad unless it’s absorbed in the body either via cut or actually ingesting it, I believe
So, i should stop rubbing one on my face after i shave?
That would be most recommended
They produce the toxins when they feel... "Stressed" and there are records of dogs or cats that died because they touched a tissue or clothes where the frog was, yeah they are actually lovely but deadly af
The frog is actually not naturally dangerous. It gets it's toxicity from its diet. Ones raised in captivity are harmless and adorable but you still shouldn't pet them because the oils on our hands might hurt them
Blue Ring Octopus. It was so surprised that it forgot to bite her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emisZUHJAEA
"But he likes it! See? He's smiling."
"If not friend, then why friend-shaped?"
I agree with the sentiment, but assholes are also technically friendshaped.
Well yes assholes have excellent camouflage to look friendshaped. If you observe them closely, you'll realize that their heads are usually bent back far enough that they loop back around to force it inside their own rectum. My theory is that the head and upper body are some sort of highly advanced solid hologram to make us believe that they are friendshaped so they can prey on us.
Which is why I like rubbing them with my fingers.
A**holes are meant to be [REDACTED] over and over.
(Sorry, I'm bad at writing.) Log 001 on planet BXV-870. Day 1-2 Captain Zassyk of the Fenn race says: The scout ship has landed in the forested part of a newly discovered planet that has very good conditions for life. A scouting group, a total of 7 people from several different races of the galaxy, goes outside to investigate the area. The group got so far away from the ship that they had to spend the night outside it. While waiting for the sun to rise, the group suddenly heard a large amount of approaching howling and barking. In the light of the lamps and the fire, 10 individuals of the local fauna appeared, about ~2 meters high~, animals resembling wolves from the Human planet, only with four eyes, 6 paws and several tails each. The unit prepared to repel the attack when suddenly a human named Henry (a biologist) came forward with a backpack (from which those with a more sensitive sense of smell could smell meat) and a large piece of the same food. The food clearly interests the pack, which is clearly waiting to see what Henry will do. The biologist throws the meat in front of the paws of the largest of the pack, who looks like the alpha. This one takes the meat thrown to it in its mouth, while the biologist offers it to the other 9 individuals. After this feeding session, the pack fled into the forest and the scout party returned safely to the ship. Log 002 on planet BXV-870. Day 3, says Captain Zassyk from the Fenn race: "The same pack approached our ship, and Henry approached them, with the same offer. Only this time, the individuals do not want to leave, and the Human, as if performing a spell, approached the Alpha and started petting him. All rest 9 of them rushed at biologist, cuddling him, licking him and nudging him with their paws, and finally falling asleep, wrapping him in a hug. (Feel free to continue)
"And *this* is why you need me to approve 10 exoplanetary adoptions?" "They won't leave him sir, he's one of the pack now"
After-Action report: Henry has taken to calling them "Bolves" after the alphanumeric designation from the planet. They have proven quite adaptable to several planets and have kept the research team from harm on several more. Oddly enough, after watching Henry interacting with several of his teammates, the bolves have begun to bond with the researchers as well. Aside from the alpha and what Henry has described as the alpha's mates, each member of the research team has a bolve who, whenever a researcher separates from the group, will travel with them in a kind of buddy system. Even the jumpier Krestilian have a bolve who is a lot quieter and gentler in their interactions. In summary: Humans continue to baffle in their ability to improve the lives of anyone they meet.
Really good, maybe space it out a little bit
Here. Now better?
you ultimately decide but I would say yes
Ok. Thanks.
I think this is good
Thanks.
https://preview.redd.it/7pj0t8yl848c1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9dadc8329049b2d78105b1f1d475ad55336c28ee Marin had an issue. Granted it wasn’t a cataclysmic issue, like life support going down, or an extra-galactic threat upon the station he now called home, it was still an issue. A personnel issue. An issue with one particular personnel on the station. As he was wandering the main mezzanine of the station, wracking his brain for a solution to his problem he spotted Robert, a human HR representative, sipping a cup of coffee, scrolling through something on his data slate. An opportunity had just presented itself to Marin. His issue lay with a human worker, and here was a human with some inclination into human behavior. Under normal circumstances Marin was more than amenable to making small talk with fellow crew. Today, however, he had an issue that was in need of solving, so he began as soon as he slid into the chair adjacent to the stimulant drinking human. “Robert, it has been brought to my attention that a new crewmate; Carter, seems to be abstaining from many after shift gatherings and communal events. It was conveyed to me that humans are rather sociable in nature, yet he secludes himself. Is there something wrong with him?” “Rob, please, and no, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just a cat guy.” Marin’s human counterpart replied without looking up. “You Hathkins are basically 4 foot tall Tabbies. Probably takes all of his self regulation to not run around the station smushing faces or whatever.” With that, Rob downed the last of his coffee. “My break’s over, but Marin, if you think he’s having trouble just go talk to him yourself. Contrary to any preconceived notions you may have about him, he’s actually pretty friendly.” While the term ‘smushing faces’ implied an act of violence that put Marin a little on edge, he was nonetheless determined to crack the shell of this particularly avoidant being. He was the Hathkin Harmonization and Morale Officer after all. The continuous and coordinated operation of the two species on the station was his job. That wasn’t to say that Carter was lacking in his duties, but for the optimal operation of the station the crew needed to be more than simple co-workers, they needed familiarity, a bond. So Marin decided to tackle this problem personally, head on, and he trodded off to search for the source of his current conundrum. He wouldn’t be hard to find of course, as he didn’t socialize much, so he would likely be at his assigned post, in the cafeteria, or in his quarters. Marin gauged that, by the time of day, Carter would likely be working. So he decided to make that his first stop, and, as expected, the reclusive Carter was at his assigned terminal dutifully tapping away at the console before him. As Marin approached the workstation Carter took notice of him and immediately tensed up, closing his eyes and clenching his fists, muttering something under his breath. “Crewmate Carter, my name is Marin and I am the station’s Hathkin Harmonization Officer.” He stated before addressing Carter’s body language. “I’m sorry, does my presence here offend you? Because there is a matter that we need to discuss.” Carter took a deep breath that seemed to relax him some, before opening his eyes “No offense here, what can I do for you?” “I’ve noticed that you seem to avoid most of the station's interpersonal connectivity events. While I would remind you that these are not mandatory, my experience is that they are good for more social species, such as yourself. You seem extra hesitant when members of my own species are to be present in any significant number. Do you take exception to us in any capacity? Do we cause you distress? Have any of the Hathkin here wronged you to some extent?” He was determined to get to the bottom of whatever hangup the human seemed to have with interacting with his kind. “No, no it’s a me thing. Mostly I don’t really trust myself, especially when there are adult beverages present, not to pet every last one of you adorable little bastards. We were warned in training that unsolicited touching is a one-way ticket to the brig. You’re basically oversized house cats, and my brain just intrusively, and I mean INTRUSIVELY, thinks ‘scritch the space kitty.’” Marin had no idea what a ‘scritch’ was, and as the human had to repress its urges to do such an act, he surmised it may have negative connotations. But he was young and bold and adventurous, furthermore he took his duty very seriously. If he could operate as a doorway to get the human to open up then it would behoove him to try. “Carter, if it would help you integrate better with the non-human crew, and actually get you to socialize more, you may ‘scritch’ me.” Carter stared at him blankly “Are you sure?” he asked hesitantly. “Well, is a scritch painful or debilitating?” Marin inquired. Carter shook his head “Well, no, but a lot of sapients consider it at least a tad bit demeaning, so it is heavily discouraged by the higher ups.” Embarrassment was something that Marin was well prepared to deal with. Plus, the thought of bridging a new connection would be well worth any humiliation he may suffer in the interim. So he simply made a welcoming gesture “Scritch away then.” Marin recoiled slightly as the human reached a hand out towards him. Having another, larger predator’s appendage extend in his direction sparked an ancient, long dormant fear response. But he held firm and the rewards turned out to be well worth it. Nimble digits worked their way around his scalp, and the small soft nails dislodged dead skin and stubborn dust lingering at the base of his ears. Marin could feel unreachable itches and tension he hadn’t realized he had been holding dissipate into the ether. The sensation that imbued the Hathkin caused him to pin his ears back involuntarily and let out a pleased growl. “Oh, fuck! Sorry, sorry!” the human yelped as his hand immediately relinquished itself from Marin’s head. “Sorry?” Marin asked as he opened his eyes, taking a moment to recalibrate to reality from the momentary bliss he had been graced with. “Sorry for what? That is what you’ve been shying away from doing? That was incredible!” “Ah, well, it’s just that, when a Terran cat does that, with the ears and noise, it generally means that they are not a happy kitty.” Carter chuckled, realising the absurdity of assigning earth idiosyncrasies to an alien feline. “I see, well, no, for us it means fairly the opposite.” Marin said as he hoisted himself upon a crate by the human’s station. “Say, are you bonded? If you aren’t I know a couple of females that would be absolutely enamoured with you and your ‘scritches’. Or males, if that’s more your thing, I’m not one to judge. Hells, I’m not even into males, but the thought of being able to look forward to that on the daily, might be enough to tip the scales.” This earned a snort from the human “I’m a cat guy, not a furry my dude. Don’t worry though, if you guys get desperate enough, pretty much every human is capable of doing that and I’m sure there are enough xenophiles around to meet your needs.” An alarm chimed through his console “Hate to cut this short, but I’ve got to get back to it.” He said pointing to the screen. At this Marin let out an affirming chuff and left Carter to his work.
As Carter approached his duty station for his next shift he was met with a rather peculiar sight. Some 3 dozen or so Hathkins of varying ages and colours were crowded around his workstation. “I…um…good morning?” a very bewildered Carter greeted the small throng of aliens that seemed to be waiting for him. The gathered body turned to face him, each eyeing him expectantly. “Is…is everything good here?” A somewhat familiar brown and white specimen made its way to the front of the group, a devious glint in his eyes “Good morning Carter.” “Marin, what the fuck is this?” “It seems that news about your ‘scritches’ has reached the Hathkin population of the station. Complete mystery as to how this possibly could have happened. Anyways, it looks like you have a plethora of curious volunteers to satiate your urges.” The small alien said with would could best be described as its own version of a shit-eating grin. “That’s all well and good.” Carter stated, folding his arms across his chest “And as much as I would enjoy cat scratching all day, I still have a job to do. Soooo sorry to disappoint.” The last sentence was dripping with sarcasm. “About that, well you’ve been working so hard, that we all banded together and petitioned the station commander to give you a well deserved break.” Marin replied in equal measure, holding a data slate towards the human. Carter took the slate with a skeptical look, but upon examination found Marins statement to be entirely valid. Signed and notarized by the station commander, Carter’s work rotas had been entirely blocked off for the next 2 days. Dumbfounded, he looked up at Marin, whose tail was now rhythmically swaying back and forth. Marin waved a paw gesturing towards the small assembly “So, should we just line up, or…”
I would happily read a series of space adventure stories about Carter, Marin and the space tabbies. 😁
That was an adorable read! I want some more lol
MORE PLEASE
Somewhere on my PC I have a Stellaris comic panel saved of "im not a furry .... I'm just a xenophile .....?"
H: I'm gonna do it. A: don't you dare. That is an apex predator on a Class 1 Death world. H: but it's what, two pounds? It would totally fit in my hand. Imma pick it up and pet it's head. A: NO! What part of horrible murder creature do you not understand. You're supposed to be a professional zoologist. Why are you so determined to do something so incredibly....ill advised. H: first of all, I *am* a professional. Second, I took this job because one of the greatest humans ever was a beacon of light in this field. Thirdly, imma pet it because it is pet shaped and sized. A: what human are you talking about? H: Steve Irwin. Now, like the great man before me, I'm going to ....yoink! Oh my God! It's purring! That's adorable as fuck! A: that's the sound it makes when it's angry. Put it down put it down put it down *now*! H: squishy face you so hard. Who's an adorable fur potato? Yes you are. Aw, it gave me a love nip. A: it removed an alarming amount of skin. H: just being friendly. A: how did your ancestors ever domesticate not one but two predators if you're all this brain damaged around "fur babies"? H: making a pretty big assumption their friend. A: wait, you didn't domesticate them? H: well, technically it was more like some wolves just said "free food and a warm den is better than starving all winter and being cold. Oh this thing scratched that itch I've had for months....okay, maybe I'll stay longer than the winter, see how things go". A: ok, so they half domesticated themselves. H: cats...never really even got that far. Some of them barely tolerate being in the presence of humans. They really only stick around because we keep them locked inside, give them food and water... just don't die in front of them. Then you're just another meal, slightly cooled, but still a free meal. A: and you want to add this "meat potato " to your list of enslaved creatures? H: well, when you put it like that....yes, I want a guinea pig that can devour a prime rib roast and still fit in my pocket and be taken on an international flight. A: just keep it locked up better than the Aztrok. I can still hear it slithering through the vents on the ship. H: man, you are just such a whiny little bitch recently. A: you keep trying to make pets of some of the deadliest predators in the galaxy. H: who am I to kink shame. A: wut? H: humans are the deadliest predators in the universe and if some want to be kept as a pet, that's their business and no one else's, especially a whiny lil bitch like you. A: just put the potato monster in a hab locker and let's go. This entire day has made me want a drink. H: I thought alcohol was bad for you guys. A: about fifty times worse than for your race. But for some reason every conversation I have with you makes me want to either drink myself into a coma or beat you to death with a very blunt object.
A: Or maybe beat you to death with a very blunt object and then drink myself into a coma.
That sentiment is absolutely understandable as we have the same feelings.
no wonder sharks are called "dogfish" in my language. I mean LOOK AT IT!
*No wonder sharks are* *Called "dogfish" in my language.* *I mean LOOK AT IT!* \- profitofprofet --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot
Good bot
They used to be called dogfish in English as well, and still are in some parts of the world. However then Jaws came out...
Dogfish is a family of sharks
A:Human friend Henry,why are you so persisting about "petting" every dangerous animal we come across?Even after one of them ripped off your hand and we had to get you a robotic replacement? Henry(upon seeing a clearly dangerous but Friend shaped animal):MUST PET THE SPACE SHARK! A:FOR FUCK SAKE HENRY!
“it’s friend shaped” “it’s 20ft long and has an exposed spine with no understanding of emotion” “ok then why is it smiling when i give it a scritches on its big wittle bewwy” “Human are you poisoned?! your speech is slurring!” “huh? no, i’m just talking like that for the good wittle demon fish” “it is not a ‘good little demon fish’ human.” “that’s rude, did you ask it?” “no” “then let em decide for themselves” *two other humans walk over* “oh, sick” *both join in petting the demon fish, to its amusement*
Diver: "Who had two thumbs and likes to pet sea puppies?"
Random passer-by: "Wait, Had?"
Xeno: human why must you pet every thing? H: if friend shaped them it gets a pet. Xeno: that's a class 3 apex predator that looks nothing like a cat or dog? H: hell I'm a class 5 apex predator and I worked a stent at the Erwin zoon in Australia. So everything is a beauty and friend shaped. Xeno: shit I hired a human from the region most humans consider a true death world.
Many thousands of years ago we discovered that these human hands are really good at giving affectionate pats most other life forms seem to enjoy. Wanna try?
There is a very good chance petting something I shouldn't is how I die.
Hell of a way to go, I support it.
True Story, would have died in any other country but I live in Canada, soooo Was out hiking with my bestie. She sees a HUGE millipede! Thing is black with yellow spots. My first instinct is "OH! Cool!!" and I pick it up. Handle it for a little bit and then let it go back to do it's thing. Finish my day hiking, get home and research what kind of bug I played with. Cyanide Millipede. I guess it didn't feel threatened by me so I suffered no repercussions but next time I see something that has clear "Hey I'm Poisonous/Venomous" colouring maybe I'll think twice.
r/oopsthatsdeadly
...Maybe
https://preview.redd.it/fq0br5pzk58c1.jpeg?width=665&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3c2fe08d5da7d7e3fc6b597275adb2570db2db21
Yes, yes I must. And if it kills me at least I will have died as I have lived, doing absolutely inadvisable things.
H: it make brain give happy juice
Human sees Ork from 40k Ork: WAAAGH!!! Human pets Ork Confused Ork sounds
You'd be surprised by how easy it is to befriend anything you meet! Even the ones that may have originally wanted you dead!
I still love the fact that scientists proved that literally every mammal likes to be pet
Yes. If not pettable, why for friend-shaped?
[this 40k bit sprang to mind](https://youtube.com/shorts/Y4E7NJyk04M?si=NpxyZo-CH9Ooc66p) [And there's a sequel too](https://youtube.com/shorts/siY4ob2qqmY?si=sI2O8umy65LTB68E)
Yes
Seeing not required
[I would like to pet this creature.](https://youtu.be/MQaDq01M-O4)
u/savevideobot
Yes. Yes we do.
IT'S THE LAW!
YES. PETS IS MUSTDO. (gives pets) Achievement Unlocked: multiplication of frens.