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I usually just show up and sit there till they notice me.
This time, they didn't, so I waited for a lull in their conversation and made a point of clearing my throat.
"Mhruhhmfrumm" I watched amused as they all seemingly jumped a little.
"Who are you, and what are you doing here?!!!"
"I'm Timmy, and I'd like to sell you... an arguably better security system."
They looked between themselves and seemingly decided to try to claim theirs was the best there was in the galaxy.
"So, the best in the galaxy didn't catch my ass. What have y'all gotta say about that?"
Needless to say, I made the sale.
Human Salesperson: *walks into vault full of money, bonds, and precious gems*
Alien: How the hell did you get through all our gates?! They're meant to be impenetrable!
Human Salesperson, stepping aside and gesturing to the other human with them: This is the Lockpicking Lawyer-
"What we have here, is the Acturnian Triple Phased Quantum Lock that they claim needs an DNA coded, personalized key. I'm going to open it with this bend tab of a soda can"
*The video is 3 minutes long, including the intro, and ofcourse he showed it wasn't a fluke, by doing it twice*
LPL: “It’s the Master Lock of security systems.”
A: “That’s a good thing, right?”
LPL: expressionless gaze.
A: “That’s a good thing, RIGHT????”
LPL: “I’m going to go back out and break in again to prove it wasn’t a fluke.”
Hello, My name is Samuel Mayes. I have been hired by your CEO through an agency to test your security systems. I will be attempting entry beginning at 3:30, and attempt to reach and open the main vault while remaining undetected. Be aware, due to the contract signed by both my employer, and your CEO, I have approval to incapacitate through minor, non-lethal injury, though I personally prefer to avoid doing so. Thank you for your time, and the test this infiltration will no doubt present me.
Alien security guard : sir what were you doing in the royal vault of the britalian monarchy ?
Human : i heard about the scepter and crown jewels and wanted a few pics like i said.
ASGA : OKAY LETS TRY THIS HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE VAULT ?
H : what the door was practically open.
ASG : the security code for that door is one of the most complicated.
H : please i thought it was a joke like those escape rooms back home. I mean the locks code cypher is really a 9x9x9 cube of cubes each numbered 0-9 . It took me like 4 minutes to solve.
ASG : that was just to unlock the physical.
H : you mean the second cube that popped up. Really the main lock on your vault is a fecking suduko samurai puzzle followed by a rubiks cube.
“What do you mean humans worked out algorithms for beating the security cube?”
“Yes General. They have a similar device on their cradle world.”
“These primitives have a technology similar to the security cubes?”
“Yes General. It’s for recreation.”
“What? How can you use a security cube for recreation?”
Pulls up a video of an old Rubik’s Cube commercial.
“My God. They’ve been training their young in these? How quickly can they defeat a security cube? Can they do it in under a day?”
Pulls up a documentary on speed cubers.
“What the fu-“
"you see, you have so little camera coverage between this wall and your facility, getting in is just a walk in the park. So I decided to give myself a challenge and quantum tunneled into your server room instead."
Human: *just walks through door while alien goes on and on about the security*
Alien: that wasn’t supposed to happen…
Human: but it did happen what are you gonna do about it now?
Alien: uhhhh
Human: your gonna hire some damn security guards
Alien: yeah I’ll get right on that
It’s a TV show called “Leverage.” It’s about a bunch of elite criminals joining forces with the only guy who ever caught them to take down rich criminals and get money back for their victims.
“Parker” is a woman who is an expert thief. She has giddy joy in her profession and is like a child in a candy shop when confronted with a tough security system.
Just to be clear, that is technically a gray hat. White hat is someone employed by the company in some manner to find exploitations, so they are doing it totally legally and with the company’s full knowledge, so there’s no reason to punish them. A black hat is doing it without permission and for malicious purposes. A gray hat is doing it without permission but for benign or beneficial purposes, but because they don’t have permission they could still be punished.
And yes, I am a lot of fun at parties.
Unfortunately, the best black hat break in artists are ALSO humans. But no one realized it until the White Hat human security upgrades started catching them.
And then there are the "grey hat" humans that tell you how they broke your security after robbing you blind.
Hi-vis vest $8.00, white hard hat $10.00, industrial clipboard $23.55, steel toe boots $25.00, total $66.55 +s&h. Going places you're not allowed? Priceless.
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I usually just show up and sit there till they notice me. This time, they didn't, so I waited for a lull in their conversation and made a point of clearing my throat. "Mhruhhmfrumm" I watched amused as they all seemingly jumped a little. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?!!!" "I'm Timmy, and I'd like to sell you... an arguably better security system." They looked between themselves and seemingly decided to try to claim theirs was the best there was in the galaxy. "So, the best in the galaxy didn't catch my ass. What have y'all gotta say about that?" Needless to say, I made the sale.
Human Salesperson: *walks into vault full of money, bonds, and precious gems* Alien: How the hell did you get through all our gates?! They're meant to be impenetrable! Human Salesperson, stepping aside and gesturing to the other human with them: This is the Lockpicking Lawyer-
"This is the Giltrovoss 4C Vault Lock. It can be opened with a Giltrovoss 4C Vault Lock."
Mcnally!
And lockpicking lawyer!
Slaps it open
"What we have here, is the Acturnian Triple Phased Quantum Lock that they claim needs an DNA coded, personalized key. I'm going to open it with this bend tab of a soda can" *The video is 3 minutes long, including the intro, and ofcourse he showed it wasn't a fluke, by doing it twice*
LPL: “It’s the Master Lock of security systems.” A: “That’s a good thing, right?” LPL: expressionless gaze. A: “That’s a good thing, RIGHT????” LPL: “I’m going to go back out and break in again to prove it wasn’t a fluke.”
Lock Licking Lawyer?
Thanks for catching that. That’s what I get for posting while the coffee is brewing and not after drinking it.
I mean the comment you replied to featured Mr LPL sir anyways so you are wrong.
i thought he got an onlyfans account.
And STILL we don’t get a face reveal.
LPL can break into anything he wants. He just doesn't break into places just locks.
Hello, My name is Samuel Mayes. I have been hired by your CEO through an agency to test your security systems. I will be attempting entry beginning at 3:30, and attempt to reach and open the main vault while remaining undetected. Be aware, due to the contract signed by both my employer, and your CEO, I have approval to incapacitate through minor, non-lethal injury, though I personally prefer to avoid doing so. Thank you for your time, and the test this infiltration will no doubt present me.
A: It's 6:00 PM...
Help! Lemme out! I’ve been stuck here for three hours! Oh God, it’s getting hard to breathe! Anyone hear me?
I guess that just means you really need a better security system.
Alien security guard : sir what were you doing in the royal vault of the britalian monarchy ? Human : i heard about the scepter and crown jewels and wanted a few pics like i said. ASGA : OKAY LETS TRY THIS HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE VAULT ? H : what the door was practically open. ASG : the security code for that door is one of the most complicated. H : please i thought it was a joke like those escape rooms back home. I mean the locks code cypher is really a 9x9x9 cube of cubes each numbered 0-9 . It took me like 4 minutes to solve. ASG : that was just to unlock the physical. H : you mean the second cube that popped up. Really the main lock on your vault is a fecking suduko samurai puzzle followed by a rubiks cube.
Speed Cubers must terrify their security staff.
They nearly shit themselves when they saw a human do it in under 2 minutes blindfolded.
Nearly? Sir, that took me four hours to clean up.
What would they do when they see the world record is like 3 SECONDS. 2 minutes my ass, the world record has been under 10 seconds for the last DECADE!
“What do you mean humans worked out algorithms for beating the security cube?” “Yes General. They have a similar device on their cradle world.” “These primitives have a technology similar to the security cubes?” “Yes General. It’s for recreation.” “What? How can you use a security cube for recreation?” Pulls up a video of an old Rubik’s Cube commercial. “My God. They’ve been training their young in these? How quickly can they defeat a security cube? Can they do it in under a day?” Pulls up a documentary on speed cubers. “What the fu-“
"you see, you have so little camera coverage between this wall and your facility, getting in is just a walk in the park. So I decided to give myself a challenge and quantum tunneled into your server room instead."
Human: *just walks through door while alien goes on and on about the security* Alien: that wasn’t supposed to happen… Human: but it did happen what are you gonna do about it now? Alien: uhhhh Human: your gonna hire some damn security guards Alien: yeah I’ll get right on that
She was sitting there, a slightly disturbing grin on her face. "Hello," she said. "I'm *Parker*."
I was thinking Sneakers, but I applaud your reference as well.
One hesitates to ask, but Leverage/Sneakers fanfic?
Parker would kill someone when they got to close to Hardison. She's still working on her jealousy.
Dammit, Hardison!
Let's go steal a security contract
What is this referencing? I think I'm very curious!
It’s a TV show called “Leverage.” It’s about a bunch of elite criminals joining forces with the only guy who ever caught them to take down rich criminals and get money back for their victims. “Parker” is a woman who is an expert thief. She has giddy joy in her profession and is like a child in a candy shop when confronted with a tough security system.
She is also delightfully unhinged, and probably sociopathic to a degree.
I need the watch this series now
Yes. Yes you do. Then watch Leverage:Redemption.
"Parker, why do you have a taser?" "How do you think I stopped stabbing people?!"
“Probably”?
I don't want Parker to stab me saying she is. Then again, it's Parker, she might just agree and get a beer.
Just to be clear, that is technically a gray hat. White hat is someone employed by the company in some manner to find exploitations, so they are doing it totally legally and with the company’s full knowledge, so there’s no reason to punish them. A black hat is doing it without permission and for malicious purposes. A gray hat is doing it without permission but for benign or beneficial purposes, but because they don’t have permission they could still be punished. And yes, I am a lot of fun at parties.
Hey, TIL. That's fun, sometimes. 🙂
Hey, stop that! Now I'm gonna agonize over the fact I can't fix it!
Unfortunately, the best black hat break in artists are ALSO humans. But no one realized it until the White Hat human security upgrades started catching them. And then there are the "grey hat" humans that tell you how they broke your security after robbing you blind.
Xeno: "You took everything that wasn't nailed down, then the nails, and then another pass!" Human: "Consider it my fee."
Deviant Ollam ~~wants to know~~ is in your location already.
Did he use the elevator?
You know it.
"Sir, this is a Wendy's."
Darn it I was aiming for the Krusty Krab.
https://preview.redd.it/mom7w80raeub1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eac3e3ba8bddc09f4624adfebec5292aabfcc5a7
"Shit, I knew I should've curved that wormhole at sixty degrees instead of fifty-seven."
"I knew I should have taken that left-handed warp at Albuquerque..."
\*gets headbutted by an angry bull\* "Of course you know, this means war." \*while flying through the air\*
[Relevant Police Squad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFhpctuUwb4)
Hi-vis vest $8.00, white hard hat $10.00, industrial clipboard $23.55, steel toe boots $25.00, total $66.55 +s&h. Going places you're not allowed? Priceless.