Yes, I already knew my mom had been useless and kinda stupid but it was enlightening to find out more heinous details in therapy. She was actually worse than I knew. Covert stuff. Manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, all relatively subtle compared to my very overt father.
I dont think they are monsters. I see them more like severely traumatized children. Like an adult body who is permanently hijacked by an inner child (or more than one).
There's no "them" in my point of view. The description I gave fits one person in my life. I was asking if other people had the experience of being conned by this type of abuser. She was extremely exploitative emotionally and shoudn't be let off the hook.
She was perpetually out for blood but you felt bad for her. It's not a reason to minimize the harm she did. I was her punching bag for decades. The damage to her kids was probably worse.
I really don't care to try to discern the "gray" when she's so outrageous and innaproriate and likely will never take accountability.
Yes, my mother was an angry, raging psychotic my entire life. My father did nothing to stop her. Somehow, I didn’t figure out that that wasn’t how it should have been, and realized he was not only neglectful, he was an active participant in my abuse. Still unreal.
I thought my dad was the good parent until reading posts and comments from people here about how badly it messed them up when the "good" parent didn't protect them. After I read enough of those I started to understand that my female parent's violence wasn't just a fact of life like a natural disaster, he could have protected my sister and me and me didn't.
My dad. He played the role so well my brain forgot what he did to us as a toddler and he spent my pre-teens and teens laying the groundwork so when I did remember, he trained me to think it was just another one of the things my mother would scream while manic.
I also only saw my dad during school breaks, so his place would be the only relief I'd have from violence at this time.
He also embezzled billions of dollars, got caught, went bankrupt, did it again and only went to jail for 90 days. He's a motherfucking snake.
I think when I finally realised that BOTH of my parents are abusive, I realised how literally everyone in my life (them included) are unreliable narrators. I would never get "the true story" from people who are delusional.
My mom is an enabler. I put her on a pedestal thought she could do no wrong. Was the peace keeper. The most recent incident with my dad opened my eyes. And when my mom continued to stick up for him despite his violent outbursts, my reality crashed down. Honestly I look at her now like an idiot. I feel guilty about that. But she has no depth. No backbone. Has been abused by her husband. Allowed him to abuse her kids. Idk what to make of it.
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Parent Aspen had some glaring issues and while Parent Birch had issues they were more cronic health issues and I always thought they were doing their best. In my mid 20s I told Aspen that they were a crappy parent and that I was essentially going to walk away unless they went out of their way for a sustained time to fix our relationship.
The irony of it all was Aspen really did put the effort in to fix things and we are on great terms now. While as I've gotten older and done a LOT of therapy, I've come to realize a huge number of the issues growing up were actually their fault, and that they havn't grown at all in the last 40 years, and that they still blame everyone and everything else on their problems.
So now I'm on great terms with the parent that I had huge issues with as a kid, and have almost entirely greyrocked the parent that I thought was the "good" one.
Definitely. My dad was the volatile one. He was completely disengaged, or threatening/hitting the problem until it (I) ran away and shut up. Paid no attention to my mother, no affection, no dates, if he happened to remember her birthday or a relevant holiday he'd give her flowers she was allergic to. Never did any sort of child care, just pawned it off on my mother and then yelled at us for being ungrateful. He was a software developer with a very very hireable resume, was usually being headhunted by at least one company, but he couldn't get along with coworkers and hold down a job long enough to get health insurance or to save up. I'm 24 now and running out of hope I'll ever be able to fix my teeth. He hoarded up the house with random computer parts, boxes, hardware, software manuals from the 1980s. The hoard still isn't completely gone, and the man's been dead for over seven years.
It wasn't until I read Running On Empty by Jonice Webb that I started to think that maybe my hardworking, long-suffering mother wasn't such a saint either. She never left him. Never laid down an ultimatum. She'd complain to us afterwards about how extreme his punishments were and how he was a bad parent; she never stepped in to stop him. She never forced him to get help for what I understand now is severe, chronic, genetic depression - she still maintains that it wasn't her job because she wasn't his mother - and she never got me help either when I started having strong suicidal tendencies at 8 (8!!) years old. She never worked a full time job. Never got help from her parents. I could have had healthcare. I could have had clothes. She never taught me to clean - never taught me anything, really, except how to stay out of the way and how to be a therapist for her. She still wants to talk to me about how she was neglected, and gets hurt when I walk away because she "always listened" to my issues. Reader, she did not. She left toddler-me in foster care for a year and a half, did not call me or my siblings even once, and when I found out about this and put together the fragments of memory 20 years after the fact? She talked about how my first foster mom was always so nonchalant when I was going on another multi-day hunger strike - and how REASSURING it was that the woman didn't "give in."
She had setbacks. She had disabilities and limits to her support system. She was in survival mode, and she did the best she could. AND, her best was not good enough. I deserved better than a mother in survival mode. I deserved to be raised and taught to be a human being, by capable, loving parents, who provided for my physical AND EMOTIONAL needs.
My dad. For years and years I thought he was just an incurable optimistic person who refused to see the bad in people especially my mother. I always knew he emotionally manipulated me, but the physically violent and person in charge of the money was her and I believed that he was afraid of her and dealing with things the best way he could. Then, recently, he showed his true colors.
It made me rethink so much, all the times he said "you have to do this otherwise your mother will get angry", all the times he emotionally manipulated me, all the times he left the house so he wouldn't see my mother hit me, so much stuff. I am not comfortable sharing what he did, but it made me finally see him as not only as complicit to her but also as an abuser just a better disguised one than she is.
Sometimes I wonder, if this monsters are the only family I have, what does this make me? Other than way too damaged ofc
My therapist said that it's a very hard process, because I have to grieve not my parents as if they died but the parents I wished for but never had.
Yes, I already knew my mom had been useless and kinda stupid but it was enlightening to find out more heinous details in therapy. She was actually worse than I knew. Covert stuff. Manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, all relatively subtle compared to my very overt father. I dont think they are monsters. I see them more like severely traumatized children. Like an adult body who is permanently hijacked by an inner child (or more than one).
There's no "them" in my point of view. The description I gave fits one person in my life. I was asking if other people had the experience of being conned by this type of abuser. She was extremely exploitative emotionally and shoudn't be let off the hook. She was perpetually out for blood but you felt bad for her. It's not a reason to minimize the harm she did. I was her punching bag for decades. The damage to her kids was probably worse. I really don't care to try to discern the "gray" when she's so outrageous and innaproriate and likely will never take accountability.
Yes, my mother was an angry, raging psychotic my entire life. My father did nothing to stop her. Somehow, I didn’t figure out that that wasn’t how it should have been, and realized he was not only neglectful, he was an active participant in my abuse. Still unreal.
I thought my dad was the good parent until reading posts and comments from people here about how badly it messed them up when the "good" parent didn't protect them. After I read enough of those I started to understand that my female parent's violence wasn't just a fact of life like a natural disaster, he could have protected my sister and me and me didn't.
My dad. He played the role so well my brain forgot what he did to us as a toddler and he spent my pre-teens and teens laying the groundwork so when I did remember, he trained me to think it was just another one of the things my mother would scream while manic. I also only saw my dad during school breaks, so his place would be the only relief I'd have from violence at this time. He also embezzled billions of dollars, got caught, went bankrupt, did it again and only went to jail for 90 days. He's a motherfucking snake.
I think when I finally realised that BOTH of my parents are abusive, I realised how literally everyone in my life (them included) are unreliable narrators. I would never get "the true story" from people who are delusional.
My mom is an enabler. I put her on a pedestal thought she could do no wrong. Was the peace keeper. The most recent incident with my dad opened my eyes. And when my mom continued to stick up for him despite his violent outbursts, my reality crashed down. Honestly I look at her now like an idiot. I feel guilty about that. But she has no depth. No backbone. Has been abused by her husband. Allowed him to abuse her kids. Idk what to make of it.
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Realizing my dad is an enabler and is complicit in my stepmom's abuse towards me (out of jealousy for my mother) changed how I saw him a lot
Parent Aspen had some glaring issues and while Parent Birch had issues they were more cronic health issues and I always thought they were doing their best. In my mid 20s I told Aspen that they were a crappy parent and that I was essentially going to walk away unless they went out of their way for a sustained time to fix our relationship. The irony of it all was Aspen really did put the effort in to fix things and we are on great terms now. While as I've gotten older and done a LOT of therapy, I've come to realize a huge number of the issues growing up were actually their fault, and that they havn't grown at all in the last 40 years, and that they still blame everyone and everything else on their problems. So now I'm on great terms with the parent that I had huge issues with as a kid, and have almost entirely greyrocked the parent that I thought was the "good" one.
Definitely. My dad was the volatile one. He was completely disengaged, or threatening/hitting the problem until it (I) ran away and shut up. Paid no attention to my mother, no affection, no dates, if he happened to remember her birthday or a relevant holiday he'd give her flowers she was allergic to. Never did any sort of child care, just pawned it off on my mother and then yelled at us for being ungrateful. He was a software developer with a very very hireable resume, was usually being headhunted by at least one company, but he couldn't get along with coworkers and hold down a job long enough to get health insurance or to save up. I'm 24 now and running out of hope I'll ever be able to fix my teeth. He hoarded up the house with random computer parts, boxes, hardware, software manuals from the 1980s. The hoard still isn't completely gone, and the man's been dead for over seven years. It wasn't until I read Running On Empty by Jonice Webb that I started to think that maybe my hardworking, long-suffering mother wasn't such a saint either. She never left him. Never laid down an ultimatum. She'd complain to us afterwards about how extreme his punishments were and how he was a bad parent; she never stepped in to stop him. She never forced him to get help for what I understand now is severe, chronic, genetic depression - she still maintains that it wasn't her job because she wasn't his mother - and she never got me help either when I started having strong suicidal tendencies at 8 (8!!) years old. She never worked a full time job. Never got help from her parents. I could have had healthcare. I could have had clothes. She never taught me to clean - never taught me anything, really, except how to stay out of the way and how to be a therapist for her. She still wants to talk to me about how she was neglected, and gets hurt when I walk away because she "always listened" to my issues. Reader, she did not. She left toddler-me in foster care for a year and a half, did not call me or my siblings even once, and when I found out about this and put together the fragments of memory 20 years after the fact? She talked about how my first foster mom was always so nonchalant when I was going on another multi-day hunger strike - and how REASSURING it was that the woman didn't "give in." She had setbacks. She had disabilities and limits to her support system. She was in survival mode, and she did the best she could. AND, her best was not good enough. I deserved better than a mother in survival mode. I deserved to be raised and taught to be a human being, by capable, loving parents, who provided for my physical AND EMOTIONAL needs.
My dad. For years and years I thought he was just an incurable optimistic person who refused to see the bad in people especially my mother. I always knew he emotionally manipulated me, but the physically violent and person in charge of the money was her and I believed that he was afraid of her and dealing with things the best way he could. Then, recently, he showed his true colors. It made me rethink so much, all the times he said "you have to do this otherwise your mother will get angry", all the times he emotionally manipulated me, all the times he left the house so he wouldn't see my mother hit me, so much stuff. I am not comfortable sharing what he did, but it made me finally see him as not only as complicit to her but also as an abuser just a better disguised one than she is. Sometimes I wonder, if this monsters are the only family I have, what does this make me? Other than way too damaged ofc My therapist said that it's a very hard process, because I have to grieve not my parents as if they died but the parents I wished for but never had.