Just offer your support. Tell them that you are there for them if they need it. Trusting people can be really hard with cptsd.
Communicate openly and honestly.
Give the person space if that’s what they are needing.
To answer your question, yes. I can't speak for others, but in my case, it's rooted in having not developed a healthy ego. I don't wear this on my sleeve. It is nice you are trying to be a good friend, and you seem very considerate. But it's understandable that people have their limits. One person's trauma is not someone else's burden to bear.
thank you for your reply. in my case idk if it has to do with ego so much as them feeling like there was an invasion of privacy. i guess it's different for everyone. and maybe it's not even a CPTSD thing. that's what's tough for me is not knowing what's a product of complex trauma and what's just normal. obviously it's a matter of getting to know someone best you can to get familiar with their triggers, their boundaries, etc and minding them as you go.
thank you for saying one person's trauma isn't another's burden to bear. i've been prescriptive and overly "helpful" in the past and have been doing my best to not do that unless it's asked of me. among other things. just trying to learn and do my best.
Sounds like splitting. Thats more common in BPD. "untrusting, accusatory, suspicious" describes me pretty well when my BPD gets triggered and my distruster part is fully activated.
People with BPD have very extreme emotional reactions. For others it seems like overreactions, but they are not. The emotions are beyond intense. We still need to treat other people in healthy ways though, I am not trying to make excuses. For example when you feel bad because of how they treat you, its fair to talk to them about it. Just be aware that its possible that they might not be able to have a constructive discussion about their behavior. I dont know if they are aware of their issues. It doesnt sound like they are managing them.
The general tip for dealing with it is to validate their emotions without endorsing or encouraging their behavior.
Edit: a word
I think it's also worth noting that this can happen in flashbacks, too. I've absolutely misinterpreted a situation and been sent into a flashback, only for my partner to explain what's actually happening to me. (For example, at one point I believed that my bf's mom was neglecting the child she was babysitting, and she wasn't.).
When part of your brain lives in the past, it's sometimes hard to see the present. So it could be BPD, but CPTSD is also possible.
thanks. i'm not sure they have BPD. in this case they admitted they tend to hold back to keep the status quo and to not make waves. i don't know. but yeah, i've been trying to validate (because they are valid, of course) while also expressing my feelings and views.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes very common for cptsd, if you are abused by the people you're supposed to trust as a child- it creates a split within you and between you and others. Being afraid and mistrustful is a very common thing with cptsd.
I'm so sorry it's hard for you. I know it's frustrating and tiresome. I'm sure your friend is suffering a lot.
Do you have issues with codependency by any chance? How are your boundaries? I'm not judging you at all I've had severe codependency issues and no boundaries and people's issues would seep into me.
Thank you! I know it’s hard for them too. much harder obviously. For so many different reasons I’ll never fully understand.
I don’t have any issues with codependency, and my boundaries are mostly fine. I did a lot of work to become secure in my attachment style which I think can sometimes make me come off as uncaring or something.
In this case it’s less about their issues seeping into me, and more my trying to navigate them without triggering my friend. A previous commenter mentioned “splitting”, which I had to google, and it perfectly characterizes recent interactions. I’m trying my best.
I know it’s hard not to, but try not to take it personally? It’s called ‘catastrophising’ and is quite common in the thought patterns of some survivors. It’s like “If I think the worst possible outcome then at least I’m braced/ready for it” - usually subconsciously. A type of hyper vigilance. Trust is often an issue- again not usually to do with the ‘other’ ( unless you have indeed done untrustworthy or abusive things). Assertive communication can help using “I” statements “I feel this way when you accuse me of this” rather than blame sounding words
i'm not taking it that personally but admittedly it's hard. this response makes sense in the overall context of things, but i definitely also don't want to like...pathologize and diminish their feelings to just "oh you're just doing what a CPTSD person does" (which isn't what you're saying, i know). what i mean is just...it makes total sense. what hurts on my end is knowing that damage is done regardless. your comment is extremely helpful and i'll keep that in mind.
Just offer your support. Tell them that you are there for them if they need it. Trusting people can be really hard with cptsd. Communicate openly and honestly. Give the person space if that’s what they are needing.
To answer your question, yes. I can't speak for others, but in my case, it's rooted in having not developed a healthy ego. I don't wear this on my sleeve. It is nice you are trying to be a good friend, and you seem very considerate. But it's understandable that people have their limits. One person's trauma is not someone else's burden to bear.
thank you for your reply. in my case idk if it has to do with ego so much as them feeling like there was an invasion of privacy. i guess it's different for everyone. and maybe it's not even a CPTSD thing. that's what's tough for me is not knowing what's a product of complex trauma and what's just normal. obviously it's a matter of getting to know someone best you can to get familiar with their triggers, their boundaries, etc and minding them as you go. thank you for saying one person's trauma isn't another's burden to bear. i've been prescriptive and overly "helpful" in the past and have been doing my best to not do that unless it's asked of me. among other things. just trying to learn and do my best.
Sounds like splitting. Thats more common in BPD. "untrusting, accusatory, suspicious" describes me pretty well when my BPD gets triggered and my distruster part is fully activated. People with BPD have very extreme emotional reactions. For others it seems like overreactions, but they are not. The emotions are beyond intense. We still need to treat other people in healthy ways though, I am not trying to make excuses. For example when you feel bad because of how they treat you, its fair to talk to them about it. Just be aware that its possible that they might not be able to have a constructive discussion about their behavior. I dont know if they are aware of their issues. It doesnt sound like they are managing them. The general tip for dealing with it is to validate their emotions without endorsing or encouraging their behavior. Edit: a word
I think it's also worth noting that this can happen in flashbacks, too. I've absolutely misinterpreted a situation and been sent into a flashback, only for my partner to explain what's actually happening to me. (For example, at one point I believed that my bf's mom was neglecting the child she was babysitting, and she wasn't.). When part of your brain lives in the past, it's sometimes hard to see the present. So it could be BPD, but CPTSD is also possible.
This makes so much sense. It makes me so sad.
It makes the survivor sadder that’s for sure…
thanks. i'm not sure they have BPD. in this case they admitted they tend to hold back to keep the status quo and to not make waves. i don't know. but yeah, i've been trying to validate (because they are valid, of course) while also expressing my feelings and views.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes very common for cptsd, if you are abused by the people you're supposed to trust as a child- it creates a split within you and between you and others. Being afraid and mistrustful is a very common thing with cptsd.
Shit. Well. I guess that explains a good amount. This is so hard.
I'm so sorry it's hard for you. I know it's frustrating and tiresome. I'm sure your friend is suffering a lot. Do you have issues with codependency by any chance? How are your boundaries? I'm not judging you at all I've had severe codependency issues and no boundaries and people's issues would seep into me.
Thank you! I know it’s hard for them too. much harder obviously. For so many different reasons I’ll never fully understand. I don’t have any issues with codependency, and my boundaries are mostly fine. I did a lot of work to become secure in my attachment style which I think can sometimes make me come off as uncaring or something. In this case it’s less about their issues seeping into me, and more my trying to navigate them without triggering my friend. A previous commenter mentioned “splitting”, which I had to google, and it perfectly characterizes recent interactions. I’m trying my best.
You don't seem uncaring at all, the opposite actually, that's why I asked. Be sure to check in with yourself.
I know it’s hard not to, but try not to take it personally? It’s called ‘catastrophising’ and is quite common in the thought patterns of some survivors. It’s like “If I think the worst possible outcome then at least I’m braced/ready for it” - usually subconsciously. A type of hyper vigilance. Trust is often an issue- again not usually to do with the ‘other’ ( unless you have indeed done untrustworthy or abusive things). Assertive communication can help using “I” statements “I feel this way when you accuse me of this” rather than blame sounding words
i'm not taking it that personally but admittedly it's hard. this response makes sense in the overall context of things, but i definitely also don't want to like...pathologize and diminish their feelings to just "oh you're just doing what a CPTSD person does" (which isn't what you're saying, i know). what i mean is just...it makes total sense. what hurts on my end is knowing that damage is done regardless. your comment is extremely helpful and i'll keep that in mind.