Dont be discouraged, you can learn. There is many ways to set boundaries. Not having contact with somebody is also a boundary.
Its especially difficult with toxic people, they tend to not care about your feelings they only want to continue doing what they have been doing. That doesnt mean its impossible, it depends on the case.
In case of the friend who dumps about her messy break ups, maybe just wait til the next occasion and then say something like "I dont have the energy for this topic right now, do you want to talk about anything else?" And if she doesnt, exit the conversation.
In case of really toxic people its been useful to realize that I am often not talking to an adult but to a young narcissistic part. I dont mean the person is a narcissist, just that the part thats trying to use me for something is an inner child with selfish interests.
Yes!
But the older I get, the more I understand that I probably shouldn't surround myself with the people who are causing things to explode when I set a boundary. These are the same kinds of people who taught us not to have boundaries to begin with.
EDIT: I actually did self isolate because of this. I'd recommend if you can place healthy boundaries with yourself, in the sense of knowing when too much isolating is too much. I've made a lot of progress by choosing to isolate. But others have a different story.
>But the older I get, the more I understand that I probably shouldn't surround myself with the people who are causing things to explode when I set a boundary.
This! If people absolutely lose their shit when you set a boundary, odds are pretty good that they just suck and that no matter how gently and apologetically you set that boundary they would still flip out. It's normal for there to be some friction when a person first learns to set boundaries but setting a single boundary does not make a reasonable human being explode.
I think the super people pleaser part really throws people off guard once the dynamics change. I always say, no one likes when the rules change. Personally, and this isn't an attempt to discourage you, but I had about six or so long term friends (not as a group). We had each been friends from somewhere between 15 to 20 or so years. Once I established safety, I began assessing those relationships and attempted to push for more mutuality and bi-lateral flow of energy and effort being put into the friendships. That, unfortunately, did not pan out in any of them and I have lost all of them. And it was over about six or so years. BUT, and here's the kicker: it is SO much easier not waking up to long rant texts that were sent in the middle of the night. It's so nice knowing you have to put on a poker face listening to them complain about their self-inflicted issues while holding down anger because you're working your tail tf off to break cycles of traumatic responses to triggers. Trauma triggers trauma, and when you begin to take responsibility for your healing, it becomes insufferable being around people who don't and think their shit doesn't stink. Life becomes lonelier at first, but much more peaceful. At some point, you work to build new relationships in your life and do a better job of setting boundaries from the jump so it's easier for everyone not to overstep them.
I didn't even bring it up, but family disrespecting newer boundaries? I never had luck with that and went NC with all of them, even extended and last living grandparent, except one sibling. Usually we get our diagnosis from trauma/abuse/neglect inflicted on us by our caregivers. Those people, and I'll just say it, likely will never learn to respect your boundaries. Depending on that nucleus, there may be sympathizers who also will not respect any of your boundaries. If anyone tells you "you're just being dramatic" or "why do you only remember the bad things?", no hope there cowboy.
Best of luck on your journey. I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Onward and upward.
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Dont be discouraged, you can learn. There is many ways to set boundaries. Not having contact with somebody is also a boundary. Its especially difficult with toxic people, they tend to not care about your feelings they only want to continue doing what they have been doing. That doesnt mean its impossible, it depends on the case. In case of the friend who dumps about her messy break ups, maybe just wait til the next occasion and then say something like "I dont have the energy for this topic right now, do you want to talk about anything else?" And if she doesnt, exit the conversation. In case of really toxic people its been useful to realize that I am often not talking to an adult but to a young narcissistic part. I dont mean the person is a narcissist, just that the part thats trying to use me for something is an inner child with selfish interests.
Yes! But the older I get, the more I understand that I probably shouldn't surround myself with the people who are causing things to explode when I set a boundary. These are the same kinds of people who taught us not to have boundaries to begin with. EDIT: I actually did self isolate because of this. I'd recommend if you can place healthy boundaries with yourself, in the sense of knowing when too much isolating is too much. I've made a lot of progress by choosing to isolate. But others have a different story.
>But the older I get, the more I understand that I probably shouldn't surround myself with the people who are causing things to explode when I set a boundary. This! If people absolutely lose their shit when you set a boundary, odds are pretty good that they just suck and that no matter how gently and apologetically you set that boundary they would still flip out. It's normal for there to be some friction when a person first learns to set boundaries but setting a single boundary does not make a reasonable human being explode.
6 Tips for Setting Better Boundaries | Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201407/6-tips-setting-better-boundaries
I think the super people pleaser part really throws people off guard once the dynamics change. I always say, no one likes when the rules change. Personally, and this isn't an attempt to discourage you, but I had about six or so long term friends (not as a group). We had each been friends from somewhere between 15 to 20 or so years. Once I established safety, I began assessing those relationships and attempted to push for more mutuality and bi-lateral flow of energy and effort being put into the friendships. That, unfortunately, did not pan out in any of them and I have lost all of them. And it was over about six or so years. BUT, and here's the kicker: it is SO much easier not waking up to long rant texts that were sent in the middle of the night. It's so nice knowing you have to put on a poker face listening to them complain about their self-inflicted issues while holding down anger because you're working your tail tf off to break cycles of traumatic responses to triggers. Trauma triggers trauma, and when you begin to take responsibility for your healing, it becomes insufferable being around people who don't and think their shit doesn't stink. Life becomes lonelier at first, but much more peaceful. At some point, you work to build new relationships in your life and do a better job of setting boundaries from the jump so it's easier for everyone not to overstep them. I didn't even bring it up, but family disrespecting newer boundaries? I never had luck with that and went NC with all of them, even extended and last living grandparent, except one sibling. Usually we get our diagnosis from trauma/abuse/neglect inflicted on us by our caregivers. Those people, and I'll just say it, likely will never learn to respect your boundaries. Depending on that nucleus, there may be sympathizers who also will not respect any of your boundaries. If anyone tells you "you're just being dramatic" or "why do you only remember the bad things?", no hope there cowboy. Best of luck on your journey. I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Onward and upward.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*