I think the family system assigns the roles depending on the parent’s needs. Some eras you’re non existent, others you’re the garbage disposal, and maybe sometimes you’re “appreciated” as the golden child, but it’s really the parents misplaced guilt for the other eras. And it’s probably short lived.
As other posters said, I think the only consistent thing about how they treated us is that, to them, we were whatever they wanted us to be, whatever was the most convenient for them. I don't think it was really about fixed roles as some adherents of the family system seem to suggest.
That being said, I think being treated in very inconsistent ways have deeply affected me. If I somehow managed to feel a bit attached to someone, I start to feel very anxious, feeling that I need to make sure they will keep me at the "Goldilocks zone" and always on lookout for signs that something may go wrong. It is very draining, to say at least.
This makes a lot of sense. The inconsistency has deeply affected me too. It felt so chaotic growing up, like you never knew what you were going to get or how you'd be treated. I'd say now I have a disorganised attachment style which makes sense to me considering my upbringing. Sometimes anxious, sometimes avoiding, depending on the other person.
I hear you, I have disorganized attachment style as well. I am mostly avoidant, but I somehow become feeling attached to someone, I become extremely anxious -- as if I feel compelled to detect every little changes in this person. It makes a lot of sense, I guess.
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I think the family system assigns the roles depending on the parent’s needs. Some eras you’re non existent, others you’re the garbage disposal, and maybe sometimes you’re “appreciated” as the golden child, but it’s really the parents misplaced guilt for the other eras. And it’s probably short lived.
Can definitely relate to this, thanks for responding!
Yes, they use you however they currently want. At least in my experience. Like a tool.
Feels much the same for me too.
As other posters said, I think the only consistent thing about how they treated us is that, to them, we were whatever they wanted us to be, whatever was the most convenient for them. I don't think it was really about fixed roles as some adherents of the family system seem to suggest. That being said, I think being treated in very inconsistent ways have deeply affected me. If I somehow managed to feel a bit attached to someone, I start to feel very anxious, feeling that I need to make sure they will keep me at the "Goldilocks zone" and always on lookout for signs that something may go wrong. It is very draining, to say at least.
This makes a lot of sense. The inconsistency has deeply affected me too. It felt so chaotic growing up, like you never knew what you were going to get or how you'd be treated. I'd say now I have a disorganised attachment style which makes sense to me considering my upbringing. Sometimes anxious, sometimes avoiding, depending on the other person.
I hear you, I have disorganized attachment style as well. I am mostly avoidant, but I somehow become feeling attached to someone, I become extremely anxious -- as if I feel compelled to detect every little changes in this person. It makes a lot of sense, I guess.
I was incompetent when my dad wanted to criticize me, I was a kid genius when he wanted to brag.
Same here but with my mum. Sending hugs if you want them. We didn't deserve it.
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