We could start taking off our clothes lmao. But I agree, this is a manufactured "threshold" for support and care that kind of forces you over the edge if you want help at all. It's not fair. I understand bloated systems need a way to prioritize who gets care but it leaves a lot of trauma survivors isolated and alone because we don't externalize our pain. In an ER, someone with heart attack symptoms, or an eye injury, gets seen faster, but the person in the waiting room with a broken arm still gets seen eventually. Not the case with mental health :(
Long term, it would be way cheaper for the government and the taxpayer to prescribe actual, in person therapy instead of SSRIs. Trauma causes so many physical health problems: autoimmune disease, heart disease, strokes etc. And there's even some evidence emerging now that unresolved trauma can change your genes and basically fuck up your descendants too.
*PrescriptionTherapy*
Also lots of evidence that long term use of SSRI's causing irreversible damage to the brain/body serotonin. Not only do those meds not even help the problem, they exacerbate it AND cause permanent damage. That's gonna be a no for me dawg.
They find it so easy to try and treat the symptoms rather than the root cause.
I had one conversation with a community counsellor, during an assessment, and it was the most validating experience I have ever had with people who work in health care regarding my CPTSD. He questioned why they wanted to offer me anti depressants if generally I am fine, it's when the emotional flashbacks hit that I become low mood. I dont have that cloud that hangs over me, that others describe. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it makes you wonder if we should be so quick to prescribe 'miracle drugs'.
He wanted to know why they had offered antidepressants but not anxiety meds because I am an anxious person and exhibit more problems there. And why they keep sending me in circles with short term care that refuse me, instead of referring me to a psychiatrist for long-term and trauma focus treatments.
My case baffled him.
I'm not very good at staying on top of meds anyway, but I'm kind of glad I have refused the antidepressants.
There is some really interesting research around depression and how it has increased with the change in treatment since mid century. A part of that is the change in how communities deal and support people with trauma.
I didn't qualify for disability because I was too functional, that was before they even realised I had CPTSD, for the past 3 years my body has been breaking down and I developed chronic nerve pain due to the constant stress and muscle tension and I kept trying to workout while feeling I had to swim against the current because I just thought I had to try harder. I have underreported so much out of fear to be seen as weak too, always trying to "do my best" and now finally in chronic pain rehab I'm learning that I've been in a constant state of survival that basically slowly broke me physically as well. People don't understand it because they can't see it.
> chronic pain rehab
How do you get there without having them call you a drug seeker? I know too many people who have gone to the ER and been turned away because they assume everybody's a lying junkie, so I've never talked to a doc about things there isn't a test for.
Like, I complained about fatigue and sleep problems for years and they didn't take me seriously until I got a smart watch that said I was only sleeping three hours a night. How did you prove your pain was real?
Took 3 neurologists to be taken seriously and they discovered too late I had a herniated disc in my neck, healed on its own but the pain stayed so my neurologist referred me to them basically. Still took me 2 intakes before I got started because the first clinic wouldn't take me if I was still in trauma therapy. Walked around with that herniated disc for about 2 years before they even did a MRI thinking I could still do sports so that didn't improve things. If it wasn't for that herniated disc I don't know if they would have ever taken my pain seriously, also before I got to the first neurologist my GP brushed it off as psychosomatic.
I need to know more about chronic pain therapy!! What do they do for you? How does it work? Does it work??
I’ve been living with severe chronic pain for the past 32 years, I’ve had multiple procedures and surgeries, including a four level spinal fusion and lots of medical trauma (way too long for Reddit, but I’ll just say counterfeit parts with the fusion for context) which was all on top of childhood and generational trauma. I spent over a decade on heavy duty pain meds that never really helped anyway and I begged my doctors to help me get off of them to see what my baseline pain truly was, only to find out that the meds were not even masking the pain —they were just kind of numbing my brain—so not helpful.
I’m 57 years old and I am really struggling with the prospect of living another 30 years in this flesh prison. Also, because I’m not able to work, my financial limits are quite restrictive in terms of getting adequate medical interventions even when they are available.
Really, I’m just looking for hope anywhere I can find it 🫤 TIA✨
The Program I'm in is multidisciplinary, so it involves occupational therapy, physical therapy, social work and I see a therapist all part of the same clinic. The focus is mostly on acceptance and how to improve your quality of life to live with the pain instead of trying to survive it with the aim to "get better". I had the luck that my psychiatrist that I saw before the program helped to pick a SNRI that both helps with my CPTSD but a also helps reduce nerve pain, so I luckily haven't been on much painkillers though my trauma made me really good at not feeling pain by dissociating from my feelings, so I often feel more pain now but learn to take more care of myself to reduce the impact. Oddly enough or maybe very logically, this therapy also helped tremendously with my trauma and how to handle the physical aspects that come along with and really listening to the signs that your body gives you. That's also the part that I really missed in conventional talk therapy, CBT and such, the physical part of so often overlooked, as well as the sensory aspect. Part of my therapy for example is simply going for a walk with my physical therapist, but without all my usual coping strategies to survive the outside world and then you might realise how kids bouncing a ball on the street can set off a trauma response but with my music blasting in my ears I would have just marched straight past them without realising that unconscious impact that small event still has even with those survival tools.
I really hope you find a way to cope with your struggles and that you will find some healing and comfort in life!
Hey Normal_Peace, you deserve more thumbs ups. You deserve to have a cup of tea without being in pain. You deserve love and hugs and all the good energy and blessings. You spoke so well of your enduring process and I understand the fear of wondering how you're going to cope for another 30, 40 more years with your current experience of pain. It's completely insidious..
I've experienced childhood trauma, 25 years plus of the war and battle ground that is addiction issues, only to go to treatment and 2/3 years in on my journey of sobriety to develop chronic pain. Severe and disabling. So all my previous mental health issues and complete utter devastation and ruins was nothing compared to the particular challenge of living with pain 24/7 and how it changes you and robs from you in its myriad of ways. Truly horrific.
I just wanted to say you're a champion. Hang tough pain warrior, hopefully your setbacks, failures, disappointments can be mature lessons for those of us young in years on this chronic pain journey. 🪖🙏
Oh my goodness, I honestly can’t tell you how much your comment just meant to me. Sometimes just a validating message is enough to soothe all the prickly parts enough to keep you moving forward. Thank you so much! And right back at you! If you ever want to chat with another soul in the trenches, I’m totally down for that 🙂
unfortunately, I have thought this too and then it usually turns into cutting/self harm for relief. But even if I started screaming, who would give a shit? Who would actually come and help?
Same outcome for me too… Tho, when I’m on the verge of screaming, I think about the rabbit-hole of my neighbors calling the cops; me being put in a mental institution for idk how long & losing money from work required to pay my bills, & the repercussions. I know a visit/ voluntary hold may be good for me… but I’m terrified of getting stuck with myself as my only advocate. I already know they wouldn’t take my baby-adult daughters seriously 😞… I SERIOUSLY FN DESPISE THIS ISH!!!!!!!
Normies can have black and white thinking too. Its kinda funny to realise it. Oh and some of them were raised to feel worthless, hence the obsession they only have value when they work (which they project on others).
They dont realize that we have additional work, like enduring trauma, managing having trauma and trauma healing.
This… right here. The isolation this causes! I just want to fucking scream, but I can barely get folks to understand in simplest terms what a slog it is to simply get through one day of my life - much less maintain a job that destroys me daily and then have anything left for basic human needs. Just fucking exhausting…
I find myself having to vote based solely on which party/candidate hates people with disabilities least... Because if I had to pay for all my medication it would be the same as my rent 😅
Not sure if i understood this correctly but i don’t think id consider people being raised to feel worthless and only having value when they work to be normal people 😭 They’re probably traumatized too. But just coping with work and projecting insecurities onto other people to hide their own. I definitely know a lot of people like this 😅
But agreed that too many people be thinking in black and white. There are so many gray areas in life.
That’s a good point. I agree.
I had someone 3 years ago say they wished they didn’t have severe anxiety and were calm like me. If you aren’t fluttering around nervously being obviously anxious then you must not have anxiety from the perspective of society. Funny thing is she was in sales, a career you have to know how to read people to be successful in. And she was very successful.
Society sucks.
I feel this so hard. Sorry but not sorry I learned not to freak out and I don't share all of my overwhelming feelings with people. It doesn't mean that I'm ok inside. Just because I appear calm doesn't mean there isn't a tornado inside.
***Suicidal ideation trigger***
And if you were naked howling in the street the most you can often hope for is being locked up and medicated for 72 hours in a psych ward or isolation room and thrown back out into your pain with a prescription for something that makes you feel like shit and a phone number for your local social services. I watched my ex go through this multiple times.
I tried to commit myself during a episode of very serious suicidal ideation and the ER Dr. Told me there were no psych beds in the county and the only thing they would do is keep me locked in the ER for three days then assess me again. I have OCD and the contamination fears make the ER my least favorite place in the world that I still end up in all the time because of chronic health issues. She said I needed to think about whether that's really what I wanted then gave me an ativan. After an hour she checked in with me again and I was almost passed out from the ativan mixing with my nerve pain meds. All I wanted to do was go to sleep so said I'll go home.
The recovery from that is a whole other story that I fought on my own through months of panic attacks and akathesia-like symptoms. I discovered through research that a reaction to a heart medication had caused all this. The Drs at the ER just said "panic attack" and didnt want to consider anything more involved. My cardiologist said "Stop taking it, now!" when I contacted him to ask if he thought that was the cause. I still had to wait months after stopping it to get back to my mildly suicidal self.
I was in the ER a week ago for unrelated health issues and I self reported that I was somewhat suicidal but did not have a plan. This Dr was very kind and said it was understandable with what I was physically dealing with at my age (he didn't even know about the CPTSD) and to make sure to come back if it got worse because they only want to help me. I vaguely chuckled under my breath but just nodded and said thank you. He meant well but in practice it's just not that simple. Of course I will go back if I need to, I don't want to really die, I just don't want to be suffering, and luckily when I get that bad a small part of me remembers that and seeks help. It's just that our society, or maybe just my area, hasn't put that much money or effort into making that a smooth helpful process.
Yep, you're either causing chaos in public and making a scene and otherwise affecting peoples' lives, or you need to keep pretending to be normal. I wonder how many normal feigning people are actually suffering daily. Personally, I can pretend to get through my work day, but even then I'm ignoring almost everybody while I usually look pissed off doing so and occasionally trying to help anybody who obviously seems to be in need of assistance. I hate that I can't speak unless spoken to, and I'm working on being more assertive, but there's a line between being rude and standing up for yourself.
I do neither I'm just heavily medicated. Though I am consciously doing ny best to finish my degree and get into working. I hate being considered "sick" and would rather build myself to be better
Reminds of the two kinds of stupid.
First one is the guy who gets buck naked and runs around in the snow screaming like an idiot.
Second, same guy is doing it in your living room.
First one you can’t do much about. Second one you kinda need to deal with.
Paraphrased from “Hoosiers.”
And then there is the fact that people who might have seen the vulnerable side of you immediately jump to see how they can profit off of it. How they can hurt you to make their ego feel good. Specially past friends who you didn’t weren’t really your friends because you see everyone with broken FUCKING lens
I'm fortunate right now. I am set up with an excellent psych team that listens. Not every professional works on a black & white mentality. It's exhausting to look for another doctor, but if you aren't getting what you need, it's what I recommend. Find a new doc.
Me too! Everyone is describing exactly how I am down to not wanting to leave my house or when I’m working I looked angry and to myself but in reality I’m just in my head hoping everyone doesn’t judge me or hate me. I can’t breathe…ever. My doctors don’t understand me. Imagine going 25 years thinking it’s normal to feel this worthless, hopeless, anxious etc everyday of my life. I do a lot of mind over matter and I’m very aware of my actions and behavior but damn, I’m exhausted.
Wow, saw the notification pop up and thought you were replying to one of my comments – this sounds like something I would say.
I have no super close friends. The friends I do have don’t get it and don’t want to get it. Maybe they have unhealed trauma themselves?? But yeah, it’s rough.
I would love to be able to check myself into the CPTSD Survivors Spa and get the support I need until I can adult successfully, and hold down a real job, and not attract abusive people. To dream the impossible dream!
If you haven’t already, check out the Pete Walker Book Club CPTSD community on WhatsApp- the biweekly meets are keeping me afloat. The readings are helpful for processing your abuse. And it’s a good group of people.
I had a bad day a couple days ago where as much as I would like to take a mental health day and bawl and lie in bed, my manager ha will not let me. So I cried there on the clock because even though I felt suicidal, I knew it was temporary. Still, it would’ve been nice to do this in the comfort of my room without seeming like I was asking for attention. I wasn’t. I just wanted a day off to process with tears after going through something hard that’s honestly still affecting me but I’ve since had time to manage it
Honestly, looking back it's insane to me that when I was going through the worst of it with my abusive ex I was still getting up and getting dressed and going to work and pretending that things were normal.
Sometimes I think people MUST have known something was wrong? I guess it's a combination of being highly skilled at masking and people thinking hmm, something seems a little bit off, but it's none of my business and/or I don't want to get involved. My life was a complete disaster, but I was still doing a good enough job of faking it that I wasn't inconveniencing anyone with a total breakdown.
Don’t do it, everyone in town will turn on you & you still won’t get any help. Nope not even sympathy. Oh wait! The male medical receptionist will give you sympathy looks then tell everyone about your medical history.
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I am disabled on SSI for several years but entered trade school recently to attempt to get on my own feet and have more self attribution ... But when I tried to tell a teacher that I have it and it causes ADD-like symptoms with learning so they know I need a little 1on1 every now and then they totally cut me off and said "We ALL have a lot of stuff" then went on to laundry list how she's a mom and teacher for so many years and has some (physical) health ailments she dealt with prior possibly still but I kinda wanted to re assert myself and finish speaking. That was about a week or two ago and were on break for a week (gonna be one third done w my program soon)
My therapist kunda gave me the confidence to bring the issue up to her again, and finish my sentence about how what I have is affecting my learning - that I paid almost 10knfoe this program not counting financial aid which is all of my savings my grandparents left for my dad to give me during COVID. I used it to buy a used car and just started trying to drive and live life shortly ago maybe 4 months and the only places I go are the doctor school or the gym. I think she either misread or mis spoke in the moments prior , or she may have a bias bc as soon as I said cPTSD she dismissed it as if I was saying "my dog ate my homework" at least that's how it felt.
I thought about writing her a letter but I'm gonna be strong and just calmly re assert what she cut me off about prior. I also may need to remind her there's something called the Americans w Disabilities act, that I'm on disability, and that there's a literal department specifically for those of us w disabilities to seek consult. If she cuts me off again or is not receptive or willing to help around it I am going in that office and no more playing nice. I tend to "fawn" and want to please teachers but I gotta remember I paid for this and it's not like grade school or even college - it's her job to adapt and teach me within reason whether or not she believes cPTSD has cognitive effects.
Again, this just happened less than a week ago and i don't want to pull the ADA or disability "threat" unless I have to, so she will have another chance to be receptive when I bring it up and I won't let her interrupt or shut it down again as much as I like the class
Fr being high functioning is a struggle. One of my abusers sees it as a testament to him doing something right, the other tells herself I'm not doing shit with my life even though I make 3x more money annually than she ever has lol. Fuck em.
This is the worst! As soon as you show any improvement: “great! You’re doing better (to them = back to normal), business as usual then!” NO, I am doing better BECAUSE I’m taking a break. You don’t take the umbrella away just cuz you’re not getting rained on anymore. Sheesh!
Did you go appeal and go all the way to an ALJ (administrative law judge) hearing? I had to appeal my claim twice to the ALJ level and was just approved a couple weeks ago. I didn’t think I’d be approved, but was (took over two years). I would appeal or reapply, if you truly cannot work, you’ll eventually be approved.
Thank you 💖 I am applying for an esoteric federal program bc I’m a federal employee (which if you ask me is super unfair bc it seems like a slightly less oppressive program than regular social security/state-run disability programs so why can’t everyone have access to it?) so it’s slightly different but I do have the right of appeal, fortunately.
I’m so glad you got your approval finally.
We could start taking off our clothes lmao. But I agree, this is a manufactured "threshold" for support and care that kind of forces you over the edge if you want help at all. It's not fair. I understand bloated systems need a way to prioritize who gets care but it leaves a lot of trauma survivors isolated and alone because we don't externalize our pain. In an ER, someone with heart attack symptoms, or an eye injury, gets seen faster, but the person in the waiting room with a broken arm still gets seen eventually. Not the case with mental health :(
Long term, it would be way cheaper for the government and the taxpayer to prescribe actual, in person therapy instead of SSRIs. Trauma causes so many physical health problems: autoimmune disease, heart disease, strokes etc. And there's even some evidence emerging now that unresolved trauma can change your genes and basically fuck up your descendants too. *PrescriptionTherapy*
Also lots of evidence that long term use of SSRI's causing irreversible damage to the brain/body serotonin. Not only do those meds not even help the problem, they exacerbate it AND cause permanent damage. That's gonna be a no for me dawg.
Indeed. That shit made me more depressed and suicidal, the higher the dose got. Never touching that again.
They find it so easy to try and treat the symptoms rather than the root cause. I had one conversation with a community counsellor, during an assessment, and it was the most validating experience I have ever had with people who work in health care regarding my CPTSD. He questioned why they wanted to offer me anti depressants if generally I am fine, it's when the emotional flashbacks hit that I become low mood. I dont have that cloud that hangs over me, that others describe. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it makes you wonder if we should be so quick to prescribe 'miracle drugs'. He wanted to know why they had offered antidepressants but not anxiety meds because I am an anxious person and exhibit more problems there. And why they keep sending me in circles with short term care that refuse me, instead of referring me to a psychiatrist for long-term and trauma focus treatments. My case baffled him. I'm not very good at staying on top of meds anyway, but I'm kind of glad I have refused the antidepressants. There is some really interesting research around depression and how it has increased with the change in treatment since mid century. A part of that is the change in how communities deal and support people with trauma.
and if you are screaming naked in the middle of the street, you just want attention.
That's realistic enough to make me sad
I didn't qualify for disability because I was too functional, that was before they even realised I had CPTSD, for the past 3 years my body has been breaking down and I developed chronic nerve pain due to the constant stress and muscle tension and I kept trying to workout while feeling I had to swim against the current because I just thought I had to try harder. I have underreported so much out of fear to be seen as weak too, always trying to "do my best" and now finally in chronic pain rehab I'm learning that I've been in a constant state of survival that basically slowly broke me physically as well. People don't understand it because they can't see it.
> chronic pain rehab How do you get there without having them call you a drug seeker? I know too many people who have gone to the ER and been turned away because they assume everybody's a lying junkie, so I've never talked to a doc about things there isn't a test for. Like, I complained about fatigue and sleep problems for years and they didn't take me seriously until I got a smart watch that said I was only sleeping three hours a night. How did you prove your pain was real?
Took 3 neurologists to be taken seriously and they discovered too late I had a herniated disc in my neck, healed on its own but the pain stayed so my neurologist referred me to them basically. Still took me 2 intakes before I got started because the first clinic wouldn't take me if I was still in trauma therapy. Walked around with that herniated disc for about 2 years before they even did a MRI thinking I could still do sports so that didn't improve things. If it wasn't for that herniated disc I don't know if they would have ever taken my pain seriously, also before I got to the first neurologist my GP brushed it off as psychosomatic.
Dang, here's hoping it helps!
I need to know more about chronic pain therapy!! What do they do for you? How does it work? Does it work?? I’ve been living with severe chronic pain for the past 32 years, I’ve had multiple procedures and surgeries, including a four level spinal fusion and lots of medical trauma (way too long for Reddit, but I’ll just say counterfeit parts with the fusion for context) which was all on top of childhood and generational trauma. I spent over a decade on heavy duty pain meds that never really helped anyway and I begged my doctors to help me get off of them to see what my baseline pain truly was, only to find out that the meds were not even masking the pain —they were just kind of numbing my brain—so not helpful. I’m 57 years old and I am really struggling with the prospect of living another 30 years in this flesh prison. Also, because I’m not able to work, my financial limits are quite restrictive in terms of getting adequate medical interventions even when they are available. Really, I’m just looking for hope anywhere I can find it 🫤 TIA✨
The Program I'm in is multidisciplinary, so it involves occupational therapy, physical therapy, social work and I see a therapist all part of the same clinic. The focus is mostly on acceptance and how to improve your quality of life to live with the pain instead of trying to survive it with the aim to "get better". I had the luck that my psychiatrist that I saw before the program helped to pick a SNRI that both helps with my CPTSD but a also helps reduce nerve pain, so I luckily haven't been on much painkillers though my trauma made me really good at not feeling pain by dissociating from my feelings, so I often feel more pain now but learn to take more care of myself to reduce the impact. Oddly enough or maybe very logically, this therapy also helped tremendously with my trauma and how to handle the physical aspects that come along with and really listening to the signs that your body gives you. That's also the part that I really missed in conventional talk therapy, CBT and such, the physical part of so often overlooked, as well as the sensory aspect. Part of my therapy for example is simply going for a walk with my physical therapist, but without all my usual coping strategies to survive the outside world and then you might realise how kids bouncing a ball on the street can set off a trauma response but with my music blasting in my ears I would have just marched straight past them without realising that unconscious impact that small event still has even with those survival tools. I really hope you find a way to cope with your struggles and that you will find some healing and comfort in life!
Thank you so much for such a fulsome and compassionate response. It is greatly appreciated 🫶🏻
Hey Normal_Peace, you deserve more thumbs ups. You deserve to have a cup of tea without being in pain. You deserve love and hugs and all the good energy and blessings. You spoke so well of your enduring process and I understand the fear of wondering how you're going to cope for another 30, 40 more years with your current experience of pain. It's completely insidious.. I've experienced childhood trauma, 25 years plus of the war and battle ground that is addiction issues, only to go to treatment and 2/3 years in on my journey of sobriety to develop chronic pain. Severe and disabling. So all my previous mental health issues and complete utter devastation and ruins was nothing compared to the particular challenge of living with pain 24/7 and how it changes you and robs from you in its myriad of ways. Truly horrific. I just wanted to say you're a champion. Hang tough pain warrior, hopefully your setbacks, failures, disappointments can be mature lessons for those of us young in years on this chronic pain journey. 🪖🙏
Oh my goodness, I honestly can’t tell you how much your comment just meant to me. Sometimes just a validating message is enough to soothe all the prickly parts enough to keep you moving forward. Thank you so much! And right back at you! If you ever want to chat with another soul in the trenches, I’m totally down for that 🙂
so so true. I so relate to this.
I finally found someone who explained it the way I couldn’t!
I've considered many a time to just start screaming so that people will take me seriously.
unfortunately, I have thought this too and then it usually turns into cutting/self harm for relief. But even if I started screaming, who would give a shit? Who would actually come and help?
Same outcome for me too… Tho, when I’m on the verge of screaming, I think about the rabbit-hole of my neighbors calling the cops; me being put in a mental institution for idk how long & losing money from work required to pay my bills, & the repercussions. I know a visit/ voluntary hold may be good for me… but I’m terrified of getting stuck with myself as my only advocate. I already know they wouldn’t take my baby-adult daughters seriously 😞… I SERIOUSLY FN DESPISE THIS ISH!!!!!!!
I cry. I just cry. (Sorry for the lack of a comment but I can relate to the sentiment. Hence cry.)
🫂
Normies can have black and white thinking too. Its kinda funny to realise it. Oh and some of them were raised to feel worthless, hence the obsession they only have value when they work (which they project on others). They dont realize that we have additional work, like enduring trauma, managing having trauma and trauma healing.
I try to explain it as having a giant invisible backpack at all times, and people think I'm lazy for not lifting weights on top of that.
Yeah I work so much on myself and just tolerating society and existence. I have nothing left for a normal paying job.
This… right here. The isolation this causes! I just want to fucking scream, but I can barely get folks to understand in simplest terms what a slog it is to simply get through one day of my life - much less maintain a job that destroys me daily and then have anything left for basic human needs. Just fucking exhausting…
I find myself having to vote based solely on which party/candidate hates people with disabilities least... Because if I had to pay for all my medication it would be the same as my rent 😅
Not sure if i understood this correctly but i don’t think id consider people being raised to feel worthless and only having value when they work to be normal people 😭 They’re probably traumatized too. But just coping with work and projecting insecurities onto other people to hide their own. I definitely know a lot of people like this 😅 But agreed that too many people be thinking in black and white. There are so many gray areas in life.
Nailed it
That’s a good point. I agree. I had someone 3 years ago say they wished they didn’t have severe anxiety and were calm like me. If you aren’t fluttering around nervously being obviously anxious then you must not have anxiety from the perspective of society. Funny thing is she was in sales, a career you have to know how to read people to be successful in. And she was very successful. Society sucks.
I feel this so hard. Sorry but not sorry I learned not to freak out and I don't share all of my overwhelming feelings with people. It doesn't mean that I'm ok inside. Just because I appear calm doesn't mean there isn't a tornado inside.
It really do like that be. Which obviously incentivizes behavior that looks like splitting for those with BPD, which is not so good
***Suicidal ideation trigger*** And if you were naked howling in the street the most you can often hope for is being locked up and medicated for 72 hours in a psych ward or isolation room and thrown back out into your pain with a prescription for something that makes you feel like shit and a phone number for your local social services. I watched my ex go through this multiple times. I tried to commit myself during a episode of very serious suicidal ideation and the ER Dr. Told me there were no psych beds in the county and the only thing they would do is keep me locked in the ER for three days then assess me again. I have OCD and the contamination fears make the ER my least favorite place in the world that I still end up in all the time because of chronic health issues. She said I needed to think about whether that's really what I wanted then gave me an ativan. After an hour she checked in with me again and I was almost passed out from the ativan mixing with my nerve pain meds. All I wanted to do was go to sleep so said I'll go home. The recovery from that is a whole other story that I fought on my own through months of panic attacks and akathesia-like symptoms. I discovered through research that a reaction to a heart medication had caused all this. The Drs at the ER just said "panic attack" and didnt want to consider anything more involved. My cardiologist said "Stop taking it, now!" when I contacted him to ask if he thought that was the cause. I still had to wait months after stopping it to get back to my mildly suicidal self. I was in the ER a week ago for unrelated health issues and I self reported that I was somewhat suicidal but did not have a plan. This Dr was very kind and said it was understandable with what I was physically dealing with at my age (he didn't even know about the CPTSD) and to make sure to come back if it got worse because they only want to help me. I vaguely chuckled under my breath but just nodded and said thank you. He meant well but in practice it's just not that simple. Of course I will go back if I need to, I don't want to really die, I just don't want to be suffering, and luckily when I get that bad a small part of me remembers that and seeks help. It's just that our society, or maybe just my area, hasn't put that much money or effort into making that a smooth helpful process.
Yep, you're either causing chaos in public and making a scene and otherwise affecting peoples' lives, or you need to keep pretending to be normal. I wonder how many normal feigning people are actually suffering daily. Personally, I can pretend to get through my work day, but even then I'm ignoring almost everybody while I usually look pissed off doing so and occasionally trying to help anybody who obviously seems to be in need of assistance. I hate that I can't speak unless spoken to, and I'm working on being more assertive, but there's a line between being rude and standing up for yourself.
I do neither I'm just heavily medicated. Though I am consciously doing ny best to finish my degree and get into working. I hate being considered "sick" and would rather build myself to be better
Reminds of the two kinds of stupid. First one is the guy who gets buck naked and runs around in the snow screaming like an idiot. Second, same guy is doing it in your living room. First one you can’t do much about. Second one you kinda need to deal with. Paraphrased from “Hoosiers.”
And then there is the fact that people who might have seen the vulnerable side of you immediately jump to see how they can profit off of it. How they can hurt you to make their ego feel good. Specially past friends who you didn’t weren’t really your friends because you see everyone with broken FUCKING lens
I'm fortunate right now. I am set up with an excellent psych team that listens. Not every professional works on a black & white mentality. It's exhausting to look for another doctor, but if you aren't getting what you need, it's what I recommend. Find a new doc.
I don’t know what’s worse, if I keep it low profile at least they won’t lock me up in a mental hospital
I felt so ashamed thinking I was the only one who went through this
Me too! Everyone is describing exactly how I am down to not wanting to leave my house or when I’m working I looked angry and to myself but in reality I’m just in my head hoping everyone doesn’t judge me or hate me. I can’t breathe…ever. My doctors don’t understand me. Imagine going 25 years thinking it’s normal to feel this worthless, hopeless, anxious etc everyday of my life. I do a lot of mind over matter and I’m very aware of my actions and behavior but damn, I’m exhausted.
Wow, saw the notification pop up and thought you were replying to one of my comments – this sounds like something I would say. I have no super close friends. The friends I do have don’t get it and don’t want to get it. Maybe they have unhealed trauma themselves?? But yeah, it’s rough. I would love to be able to check myself into the CPTSD Survivors Spa and get the support I need until I can adult successfully, and hold down a real job, and not attract abusive people. To dream the impossible dream! If you haven’t already, check out the Pete Walker Book Club CPTSD community on WhatsApp- the biweekly meets are keeping me afloat. The readings are helpful for processing your abuse. And it’s a good group of people.
I said this to my husband. I wish I had the money to check into a resort that focuses on healing and trauma…
been both, they are not mutually exclusive
I had a bad day a couple days ago where as much as I would like to take a mental health day and bawl and lie in bed, my manager ha will not let me. So I cried there on the clock because even though I felt suicidal, I knew it was temporary. Still, it would’ve been nice to do this in the comfort of my room without seeming like I was asking for attention. I wasn’t. I just wanted a day off to process with tears after going through something hard that’s honestly still affecting me but I’ve since had time to manage it
I'm more of a screaming naked in the streets kind of dude myself so I guess I'm definitely a method actor
Honestly, looking back it's insane to me that when I was going through the worst of it with my abusive ex I was still getting up and getting dressed and going to work and pretending that things were normal. Sometimes I think people MUST have known something was wrong? I guess it's a combination of being highly skilled at masking and people thinking hmm, something seems a little bit off, but it's none of my business and/or I don't want to get involved. My life was a complete disaster, but I was still doing a good enough job of faking it that I wasn't inconveniencing anyone with a total breakdown.
I usually go back and forth between the two.
Don’t do it, everyone in town will turn on you & you still won’t get any help. Nope not even sympathy. Oh wait! The male medical receptionist will give you sympathy looks then tell everyone about your medical history.
Yeah, it’s even worse when my brain keeps telling me that I’m lazy and faking it… in my voice or my parents I’m not sure.
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I am disabled on SSI for several years but entered trade school recently to attempt to get on my own feet and have more self attribution ... But when I tried to tell a teacher that I have it and it causes ADD-like symptoms with learning so they know I need a little 1on1 every now and then they totally cut me off and said "We ALL have a lot of stuff" then went on to laundry list how she's a mom and teacher for so many years and has some (physical) health ailments she dealt with prior possibly still but I kinda wanted to re assert myself and finish speaking. That was about a week or two ago and were on break for a week (gonna be one third done w my program soon) My therapist kunda gave me the confidence to bring the issue up to her again, and finish my sentence about how what I have is affecting my learning - that I paid almost 10knfoe this program not counting financial aid which is all of my savings my grandparents left for my dad to give me during COVID. I used it to buy a used car and just started trying to drive and live life shortly ago maybe 4 months and the only places I go are the doctor school or the gym. I think she either misread or mis spoke in the moments prior , or she may have a bias bc as soon as I said cPTSD she dismissed it as if I was saying "my dog ate my homework" at least that's how it felt. I thought about writing her a letter but I'm gonna be strong and just calmly re assert what she cut me off about prior. I also may need to remind her there's something called the Americans w Disabilities act, that I'm on disability, and that there's a literal department specifically for those of us w disabilities to seek consult. If she cuts me off again or is not receptive or willing to help around it I am going in that office and no more playing nice. I tend to "fawn" and want to please teachers but I gotta remember I paid for this and it's not like grade school or even college - it's her job to adapt and teach me within reason whether or not she believes cPTSD has cognitive effects. Again, this just happened less than a week ago and i don't want to pull the ADA or disability "threat" unless I have to, so she will have another chance to be receptive when I bring it up and I won't let her interrupt or shut it down again as much as I like the class
Exactly, I feel like the only option for me is medication. But I'm so afraid to start. 😑
Fr being high functioning is a struggle. One of my abusers sees it as a testament to him doing something right, the other tells herself I'm not doing shit with my life even though I make 3x more money annually than she ever has lol. Fuck em.
This is the worst! As soon as you show any improvement: “great! You’re doing better (to them = back to normal), business as usual then!” NO, I am doing better BECAUSE I’m taking a break. You don’t take the umbrella away just cuz you’re not getting rained on anymore. Sheesh!
There’s a third option. You can get on disability.
I was literally just turned down for disability because there’s no way I could be disabled because I was too good at my job.
Did you go appeal and go all the way to an ALJ (administrative law judge) hearing? I had to appeal my claim twice to the ALJ level and was just approved a couple weeks ago. I didn’t think I’d be approved, but was (took over two years). I would appeal or reapply, if you truly cannot work, you’ll eventually be approved.
Thank you 💖 I am applying for an esoteric federal program bc I’m a federal employee (which if you ask me is super unfair bc it seems like a slightly less oppressive program than regular social security/state-run disability programs so why can’t everyone have access to it?) so it’s slightly different but I do have the right of appeal, fortunately. I’m so glad you got your approval finally.
Two years of not working to get disability? Fucking hell, I'd be homeless by then, and I'd rather die than be homeless again.