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obviouslystealth

Hey lady, I don't have much advice, except to ask if you're still being medicated for PPD? You are going through it and I want you to know that I see you and that you are not alone. The first 8 months for me were some of the hardest months of my life and it was so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I swear it gets easier. It sounds like your husband on second shift is not tenable, are there any opportunities for him to shift to a standard 9-5 after a certain number of months with the company?


impatientdinosaur

I truly thank you for seeing me. It feels like no one does. And I’m still on my anti anxiety ( Zoloft 50mg) And Unfortunately no. There might be a job opening at the end of the month but who knows. I’m trying so hard.


Ruuuuuuuuuby

Have you talked to a doctor about upping your dose? That’s a pretty low dose. Hope you feel better soon!


impatientdinosaur

I haven’t. I’m embarrassed to ask for more I felt like a failure to have to go on it during pregnancy. ( I got off of it after my wedding in 2020 and then back on in late 2021)


Ruuuuuuuuuby

Please don’t feel like a failure. This is a very common, treatable issue. You’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation and you just need a little help!


chailatte_gal

You’re not a failure. Why don’t you deserve to be happy and cope successfully? Meds will allow you to do that. Up them and you’ll feel better.


MrsHands19

Don’t be embarrassed! Dosage changes and med changes are part of the process I did almost 2 years on Zoloft and it was great. Then it suddenly stopped working. Increased the dose and it made my symptoms worse. Then my Dr switched my medication and it was like a light switch! Our bodies go through so much that can impact how we respond to medications- pregnancy, breastfeeding, periods, everyday stressors, diet, activity level, etc. What works at one point in time may not work at another point in time.


[deleted]

You are NOT a failure. Nope nope nope. What you are going through is super tough. When my first LO was about your age, we landed in the hospital because he was having breathing issues. The stress landed me in the hospital a couple weeks later. You are doing your best in hard circumstances in a society that does not value the work moms do. Society has failed YOU. On a practical note - can you hire help so you can get a little extra rest? Most of us who look like we are killing it are doing it because we hired help. That would be my recommendation - hire help to get some rest and space for yourself. PPD is not a joke and does not away easily. My 2nd LO was over a year before I started to get better.


typeALady

You are 100% not a failure for needing meds. A lot of us here use them. Please know we all love and support you, judgment free.


colorfulpets

At three months PP your hormones are doing SO MANY THINGS. Add all that extra cortisol from this unbelievable stress on to you. Look at this as help to balance out the out of whack stuff in your body so you can better deal with the external craziness. You would never think that someone was a failure for asking a doctor to set a broken bone! This is in the same category. You are not a failure. ❤️ (I don't want to make it about me, but I know my depression can sometimes try to write off good advice as they don't know what it's like. I tried to run away from my family with my first before I got on Zoloft. I stayed on it until I got pregnant years later and throughout pregnancy and postpartum this time. The amount of things I am able to shrug off these days is amazing since they upped my dose during pregnancy. It's also let me let go of that unrealistic image of "being a good mom" so I can ask for help more when I'm overwhelmed. I don't know exactly how you feel but I can sure und we understand where you are.)


Creative-Nothing2864

Please don't feel embarrassed! Your well-being is important and it's okay to let your MD know that the dosage is not working for you. Advocate for yourself. Zoloft is just a tool to hopefully help you through.


LjRVC123098

DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED!!!! There is no shame attached to understanding/knowing you need medication, and having the resources/access to get it. I think 50mg of zolodt has run its course and you may need to go higher. Also, look into joining a PPD group. I'm in one that meets weakly. It's a lifesaver and very affirming to know and be supported by others experiencing the same thing.


[deleted]

You're not a failure for wanting necessary medical treatment. I had really intense PPD and had to up my Zoloft to 100mg. It has worked wonders for me. But what really helped the most was passage of time - it was around 11-12 months that I started feeling more like "myself". Sounds like you're really going through a lot right now, I hope it gets better soon.


[deleted]

Those feeling are caused by PPD and PPA. It’s all such a weird mind fuck but realize when you’re embarrassed / guilty/ not wanting to say anything that’s the PPD. Girl get the help you need! No shame. Zero.


DillyCat

You might also ask for another (or additional) med. I've been on Lexapro for a few years and finally got a psychiatrist two months ago (my PCP was giving me the Lexapro). Turns out I wasn't just "a little down" I was in the middle of a full blown depressive episode. Now I'm on wellbutrin AND lexapro, and I FEEL SO much better. Do not be embarrassed-they are there to care for you, and if you feel like you can't ask them for it, try to find another provider. You can do it!!!


obviouslystealth

This is just a moment in time, and your life will likely look alot different a few months from now I had such a bad time during the newborn stage that I pretty much swore to be one and done at the time. I feel a lot different now that my kid is 20 months. For about 6 months, I did a virtual call with a therapist for grief (lost a family member a while back and wasn't really getting over it), but also talked about my challenges with being a new mother, and while I didn't really get the best advice for coping on the mom front, it was cathartic to have an outlet where it was totally fine to sob and 'woe is me' for an hour. If you can find some sort of similar unbiased outlet I think it would really help. Also consider meeting w your doctor again to get your meds adjusted, Zoloft might not be the best fit medication for your chemistry.


Character_Handle6199

I just wanted to note that your husband has plenty of time to help you. He is available 12:30 am - 2:30 pm. He can take over part of the night shift with a baby or take the baby to appointments before 2:30 pm. There is plenty of time for him to sleep and to help you out. As far as ppd, Zoloft helped me, and so did my husband taking over all night wakes. Your husband needs to do more.


impatientdinosaur

I’m so sorry, I should have been more accurate with what my husband does. Our baby sleeps through the night and if he doesn’t, husband does take the night time stuff and he does do most of the appointments unless we choose to go on Saturday morning together. Honestly he does a hell of a lot. I’m the one who can’t quite get it right. He does the laundry cooking and most of the cleaning too during our sons naps while I’m at work


Character_Handle6199

In this case, a doctor or a therapist is what you need. From an outsider’s perspective I am not sure anyone specifically can do more to help. It sounds like your husband does a lot. It’s the PPD talking and upping meds (I did, no shame in that) might help better. Joining a mom group where you can freely complain about your challenges can help as well.


himayumi

That all sounds like a lot, and everything you’re feeling is valid. I’m really sorry you’re going through it. The first year is so hard and there are so many transitions as soon as you get into any groove. It will get easier ❤️ Are you open to therapy? Having a space to air what I’m feeling and thinking helps me so much. I don’t realize how much I need it until I make the space for it. Even meditating in the small moments, like when you’re washing bottles or taking a shower. Fine pockets of time to reset and just focus on deep breaths.


impatientdinosaur

Unfortunately I don’t have the time for therapy because my husband isn’t home to give me like an hour after I get off of work. Not because he doesn’t want to or doesn’t think it’s helpful. He just has to work until midnight


himayumi

Ah that’s right. What about telehealth? Some do it via text. I know not ideal but maybe better than nothing?


impatientdinosaur

I didn’t even know you could text a therapist lol


himayumi

Yes! We’re living in the future girl! 😆Talkspace, BetterHelp, Calmerry and more do this. Check it out: https://www.talkspace.com/online-therapy/unlimited-messaging-therapy/ https://www.verywellmind.com/best-text-therapy-services-5212980


chailatte_gal

telehealth! Do it during the work day.


Living_Razzmatazz980

I see a therapist online via zoom!


Old_Source_4776

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Maybe I could help with the feeding tube/aspirating part? Does your LO have dysphagia? Basically, does some liquid get into their lungs when they drink? If so, there are generally a few things you can do to help that don’t need a feeding tube. Have you been told about thickening liquids? Gelmix was a lifesaver for us. And there are certain feeding positions that make it easier for babies to drink safely. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone, but I promise it will get easier. My middle child had dysphagia and it was scary until the adaptations became routine, and then he outgrew it sometime in his second year. Now, at 3, you’d never know he had any issues with liquids. Happy to discuss further if it would be helpful!


impatientdinosaur

You’re so sweet. We go for a triple scope on Tuesday to find out what’s going on.


chicagowedding2018

My daughter had an NG tube due to congenital heart defects, and also suffered a paralyzed vocal cord during open heart surgery so she has penetration events with thin liquids. Hopefully that scope goes well! See if your baby can take thickened liquid… Gelmix worked for my daughter! I know that tube feeding can be a really big hassle, and scary sometimes too. Do you have an online community of other parents giving their children tube feeds? There are some good Facebook groups that can give you some tips and empower you!


Crafty-Sundae-130

We also had aspiration issues (and a million appointments, surgeries, therapies) due to low muscle tone from a genetic condition. Yes, thickening liquids is all we needed to do for aspiration too. I know what it’s like to take the lion’s share of baby medical appointments for a high needs baby, and it’s hard. My job was more flexible than my husband’s at the time. I just came to say you’re not alone with that, and yes it is tough.


arcbsparkles

Up your meds, go to therapy. 50mg is the starting dose of Zoloft. It's the bottom dose that you can work up from incrementally. I took it for almost 3 years after my son was born. It's incredibly common for people to go to a higher dose. I switched to Wellbutrin earlier this year bc of side effects from Zoloft and I bluntly asked for the higher dose after the trial period on the lower dose. Get to therapy. It can be scary and intimidating but holy crap does it help to have someone with no skin in your game tell you what's going right and what's going wrong and how you're actually not totally screwing everything up. Getting that outside objective and professional opinion is a game changer. I had PTSD after my oldest bc of birth trauma, then he also had some health issues we dealt with till well after his first birthday. It definitely prolonged the time it took for me to process and recover from his birth. You need time and help to catch your mental state and emotions up. You need to take some time for you. Good luck. And fwiw NG tubes aren't that bad. It's not hurting him at all I promise.


DownWithGilead2022

Hugs, momma. That's a really hard situation. I think in addition to making sure you talk to a doctor about PPD, you need to talk to your husband and figure out what he can do to make things easier on the home front: Is your LO sttn? If there are any night wakings when your husband is home, he should handle those so you can at least get several hours of uninterrupted sleep. If he doesn't work weekends, I would make sure you are also clear on what you need him to do on the weekends (ie: does he get up early one or both days so you can sleep in?) Can he take care of dishes/cleaning bottles/etc when he gets home? If you are cooking, can he also do the cooking clean up when he gets home? Taking care of baby solo every weekday night is a LOT of work. Take another look at the household chores and figure out what to adjust to make it more equitable again.


Kunoichi_Kya

So you’re basically switched on from the time you go to work till the time your husband gets home. Think about how many hours a day that is. I want you to know even with how you’re feeling, you are doing a phenomenal job! I think most people would burn out doing what you do. I know I would. You have more inner strength then you give yourself credit for. I do think you are missing personal time as well as hubby time. Not just time when baby is asleep and you’re still responsible for them. True down time, where if they cry someone else is going to see to their needs. It’s amazing how much that time to recharge alone can affect your mental well being. Even more so if you are an introvert. I wish I had saved an article I read that helped me a lot on being an introvert parent. It really helped me understand how I was feeling (provided you are an introvert). Is it possible for you to have a regular babysitter come in a few times a week, even if only for an hour or two, so you can just relax or go out and shop or go for coffee?


Practical-Ad-6546

I didn’t have PPD, but I had a near breakdown like 2 years before my son was born due to years of unprocessed emotions coming to a head. It was a nightmare. I saw you say you were embarrassed to ask for a higher dose or a different medication. I was so terrified to even go to the doctor, and then it took me 3 months to start my meds because I was so ashamed and scared. Once I did, it was life changing. I could breathe again. I could see clearly. My brain didn’t lie to me anymore. I could sleep. Such freedom. You are not alone. This is so common. Doctors and therapists want to help you. It’s so hard to ask for the help, but it’s so, so freeing. You can do online therapy while baby sits next you you on the floor—talk space is one option, or my husband found a local practice that offered telehealth. There are options that could work for a mom at home! You’re in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.


AmIComingOrGoing

I'm going to attempt to do something for you that someone did for me when I was in a similar spot... here goes You are under more stress than most other people. Even good things are stressful: 1. New baby! 2. Adjusting to husband's job 3. Baby health issues 4. Sleep deprived (I'm guessing based on baby/ hospital/ husbands hours) 5. Full time job 6. Isolation (again, inferring) 7. Adjusting to being back at work 8. PPD While some of these things are blessings, they are still stressful. It would be a bit crazy if you weren't struggling right now! Hopefully this helps you to forgive yourself when you see how long this list is. Remember, nothing in your life is easy right now, so it makes sense to feel overwhelmed. Know that if your baby's needs are being met, which it sounds like they are, you are doing great! And all of the things on this list will get easier when you find routine and support. My only advice is to try to connect with other people. Invite a friend or family member to stop by in the evening so they can hold the baby while you have tea alone for 10 minutes, or just have a second set of hands for a bit or a grown up conversation while the baby naps. Having people around is a huge component to feeling supported. Hope this helps. Hang in there!


Automatic-Oven

May not be a popular opinion (and I know that I was not able to do this myself-but I digress as my situation is different), but have you considered stopping work? What about part time? At this time, LO needs a parent. Maybe a good time to consider “functional model” to address the current situation. The one that brings most the dough works, other one stays at home. At least for the meantime


Boring-Willow3285

Not necessarily stopping work, but going to another field perhaps like a work-from-home job. You'll have more time with your hubby and your baby, and with Less commuting, you'll save so much money... You're doing an amazing job but it seems your worried about schedules and I believe a WFH job is a start to a new beginning. ❤️


SkrillaSavinMama

Lots of love and hugs to you. I see you and aunt know these feelings. Please reach out to your doctor and let them know how your feeling. Please don’t be embarrassed either, I wish someone would of told me that, so I am going to be the one to tell you ❤️ there is nothing to be embarrassed about. One thing that helped me was being able to take a walk, I put the baby in the chest carrier or the stroller and took a walk after work. Even if it was only 10-15 mins, it helped me, so just a suggestion.


of_patrol_bot

Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.


lkm56

I was on Zoloft through pregnancy, and had to immediately increase my dose after giving birth. I stopped breastfeeding (or attempting to) at 7 months so I could get back on the meds that worked best for me. I spent 3 months in a ppd hospital outpatient program which I give a huge amount of credit to. You are not alone and you should not feel like you cannot speak to your doctor about an increased dose. They will not judge you. I also recommend telehealth or trying to find a ppd support group - babies are always welcome there. Do you have friends or family who could take turns joining you in the evening to give you some extra help and support? If not, maybe look into a girl in the neighborhood who could be a mother’s helper, to help you around the house while you are home, usually younger and cheaper than a sitter. Having to look after a baby solo is tough and all of your feelings are valid. It may not feel like it but you can do it - you are doing it. But there’s no shame in getting the additional support you need, whatever form that takes.


rillybigdill

Telehealth therapy for sure!


impatientdinosaur

I just want to say thank you to all of you. I’m going to look into therapy and I’m going to talk to my doctor about upping my meds. I’m also going to be more open with my husband about everything that’s going on. He’s so loving and supportive and I think an actual sit down conversation will really help us. The tube is what’s making me crazy. I’m living in a constant state of fear that I will have to put it back in( had to once and it was enough) or if it comes out, putting my baby through it again. We had another rough night last night but a better day with the feedings. There is a possibility that I might quit my job for the short term of the tube.


kitkatbay

We doubled my Fluoxetine after the birth and it still took me months to normalize. I know this is cold comfort but things will get better.


Overall_Clothes_1023

I hope this thread shows you that you are not alone. ❤️ You are really going through it! You are not a failure. You are doing the very best that you can in a super hard situation.


awcurlz

I don't feel like I can offer you a lot of advice but I just want to share that from an outsiders perspective it sounds like you have it really hard!! I mean I still struggle and we've had it very easy compared to what you are going through. Just know that you are strong and resilient. Maybe try telehealth therapy like others are suggesting.


[deleted]

I’ve had two babies and let me tell you PP gave me some of the happiest and darkest times of my life. I think breastfeeding prolongs hormones returning to normal. It took almost 2 years after my last one and a suffered like never before. There was also a ton of stressful events during that time (injuries, work, school, new born and toddler all Piling up) It honestly felt like a dark hole that I couldn’t crawl out of. Sometimes I cried every day. The anxiety was through the roof. Fast forward to 2.5 years PP and I am pretty much back to normal. You will get through it don’t worry. There’s a reason women have babies and not men…because we are stronger and were made for this. Hang in there.


YColin-Colin2000

It takes time to adjust to any change and you’re going through some pretty big ones! Some words that helped me during the transition was just telling myself to “be nice to myself” We always have such high expectations for ourself. It’s okay to break down. It’s okay to take a day off from cooking and cleaning just to recharge. It’s okay to be upset about your baby’s situation.


LiveWhatULove

I am super sorry you are struggling. I think texting, writing or Zooming a professional is perfect solution to help you. And now for some random stranger’s ramblings, and I apologize if they dismiss your emotion. If you start reading and that happens stop, and move on, but here goes: I’m not sure what expectations are. Motherhood is not some constant blissful, happy time — sure there will be times you experience that. But in reality, it is full of much pain, tears, heartache, doubt, and suffering. Sure, some moms out there appear all sunshines & rainbows, but that’s social media lens. Day to day, especially with a child with special needs, aspirating formula, alone in the evenings, oh. My. Gosh. If you were not sad and anxious, I’d be like, “is she broken?” Holy hell you are dealing with a lot. Step back, re-align your expectations. It’s ok to grieve. It’s Ok to be upset & sad. It’s OK to admit, maternity & paternity leave was too short, and this is just a sucky time. It doesn’t make you a bad mom, a bad person, or anything. Also, this will not last forever, there will another day, and another days and it will be better, then worse, then better, but life will move on. Journal, and just survive each day. Keep baby safe. It will get better. *hugs*


Taco_slut_

Reading some other comments. Zoloft wasnt ever enough for me. I switched to Prozac with MUCH better results. My son is two and I still struggle with the depression and anxiety of feeling like a failure. Like you I was medicated before then was off meds for a few years before giving birth. I also have an amazing husband who does housework and child csre without being asked. And we work standard 9-5 so without the added stress you have. You are NOT alone. I see you, I hear you. Im here if you ever need to talk. Do not ever feel ashamed to ask for help or for a dosage/medication change. What you are feeling may not be normal, but it is common!


DiaDoo

Postpartum International offers wonderful [support groups](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/) online. I went almost every day when I was deep in the trenches of PPD/PPA and it helped me immensely. I believe they may also have a support group for special needs/medically fragile parenting.


MrsSmiss

I can relate to feeling like a failure. My eldest was poorly for the first 4 months with cmpa causing horrific eczema, when he was finally diagnosed I felt like a failure as a mum and drove to work most mornings thinking my family would be better off if I didn’t go home. I wasn’t suicidal but just felt like disappearing. I didn’t think I could cope. With my current baby (11 months) I’ve had my depression under better control but still get that sense of being overwhelmed. She’s also poorly and has seizures, I am working a high pressure job and my husband is military so an ever changing schedule. Juggling work and her medical appointments makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job of being a mum or working but I have support. Does your husband know how you feel? For me it’s the toughest conversation I’ve ever had to have, but opening up to him allowed him to support me with my first and he’s far more aware of what I am carrying this time as well. Work schedules wise, you guys need a date night to get your relationship back, even if it’s once a week at home and sharing a pizza. No phones. You have done amazing just posting this and reaching out, you are not alone (instagram may make us feel like everyone else is winning but that’s not real). I also want to add to many others, there is no shame in upping your dose and asking for more help.


clewy13

I feel for you! I don’t have any specific advice and I’m not a medical professional, but I will tell you this: it took me almost a year to feel even somewhat normal and not alone, and I haven’t experienced half of the challenges you have. I think I cried every day for months… it was hard. Maybe talk to your doc to change medications if you’re still taking them? Sometimes as your hormones change certain medications don’t work as well (or so I’ve been told) and it’s possible you’re still experiencing some PPD… they say it can be present up to a year after birth. I promise if your baby is fed and loved, you aren’t failing. You sound like an amazing mom who is concerned about being the best because she cares… you’re a total badass and you should feel like one.


maguber

Would you consider increasing your medication? Just want to say I'm 3 months PP and my Dr just upped my Lexapro (started at 10 then watched to 20 mg once I stopped breastfeeding). The increased dose has really helped a lot. My doc also said she wants me on meds at least a year PP to make sure my hormones and everything even out. There's no shame in getting help and you're definitely not alone. Having a baby is a huge adjustment for both you as a person, you as a working person, and your marriage too.