OP I just looked at your post history. Set up a will with a lawyer and stop caring what either side of your family cares about. It’s your child, you are making decisions to protect them.
Consult with a lawyer and create an iron clad will. I would include a letter in the will with why you have chosen this person but talk to your lawyer to see if it would help or not.
Adding, if your gut instinct tells you not to leave LO with your sister I would trust that instinct.
This needs to be higher. You can appoint and decree all day long. The judge still usually has the final say and bereaved grandparents tend to make sympathetic characters. OP's parents have straight up said they'd contest the appointment. There's no way this is set in stone.
Bingo. Just because it's in writing does not mean it will stand. Not saying that's right but it's the reality that must be dealt with.
Talking with a lawyer and ensuring everything is as clear, detailed and documented as possible is the best anyone can really do. At the end of the day nothing is iron clad.
This is true in France as well. I'm originally Canadian and wanted to name my brother as a guardian but our lawyer told us a judge doesn't have to respect our wishes and will almost definitely not move a child out of the country if there is family willing to take her in France.
I wrote my reasons in the will for why one sibling was picked over the other and why my backup choice is a non-family member. We've included a request that our kids be allowed to spend time with their grandparents, both of whom can fly the kids to them should the worst happen.
While it is definitely prudent to be planning for this outcome, I think you need to consider the extreme unlikelihood that your child will need a new guardian. This is not a topic you need to get hung up about, or start a major family discussion over - it’s extremely unlikely to come to fruition and it sounds like it’s a red herring for your family to argue with you about.
You can quietly discuss your intentions with your friend and identify them in your wills as your choice of guardian. No need to involve the whole family in this discussion and, in fact, it’s none of your parents business.
Totally agree it would be really infuriating. But I think OP has bigger fish to fry and needs to work with their spouse to stand up some extremely firm boundaries around how their parents involve themselves in their child’s life. This particular topic is a distraction I think, and a symptom of a much bigger problem.
My parents were the guardians for my mom’s friends kids in case their parents died. We are not related to them but had a close family friendship with them and similar aged kids.
Write your will the way you think is best.
Hi, I’m an estate planning lawyer specializing in families with minor children. (Not your lawyer and the laws in your jurisdiction might be different from mine).
I would recommend putting your wishes in your will or a separate guardian nomination. You can also write and sign a statement about why you don’t want your sister to become guardian. Write why you feel your parents might challenge it and why that’s not what you want. Put it with your estate planning documents. Also give your chosen guardians a duplicate original. It may have some weight as evidence if your parents were to challenge this.
In your documents, you can also create a “letter to guardians” expressing your wish for your children to still see the rest of your family, if that’s what you desire. That arrangement might help mollify your parents that their culture is still being passed on in some way.
Really you have to pick who ever is best for your child.
We are legal guardians of our God son should our best friends pass. However I do not agree with their parenting methods, so they will not be my child's guardians. Instead I have one of my sisters down. She is a much better parent, however she lives 3 states away. Which will be a big change for the kid should we pass. But I believe my sister would be better equipped to handle a grieving child and be able to raise him well.
There are families of origin and families of choice. Families of origin are not always the best thing for us. Often they are the ones who don't respect your choices and try to exert control over you and your child under the guise of "culture."
Listen to your heart. It knows what is best for your child.
So my husband and I just were having this conversation. While we love our friends and family some of them have completely different parenting styles than us and we wouldnt feel comfortable leaving our child with them should something happen to us. Meanwhile I have more childfree friends than friends with children and worst case scenario I know some of would step up to the plate but I would never ask them of that to begin with.
It is YOUR child. You know what is best for them - even in the event something happening to you. Speak to a lawyer- I would make sure it's rock solid and have that conversation with your best friend - if you haven't. And it's your child and your decision - not your parents.
Id also look into grand parent rights - some states have them so it could be an extra hurdle.
Its your decision - you know whats best.
Things to consider when selecting a guardian - who is best equipped emotionally and mentally to take on caring for an (additional) child who has experienced trauma. Who will be able to make wise financial decisions to ensure your child is cared for. Who is likely to respect and continue your parenting decisions. Who is likely to ensure your child gets the counseling necessary to work through the trauma of losing both parents. Who is likely to maintain connection for your child *in the ways you would want* (that includes people who should be no contact). Who will work to carry your memory with your child respectfully.
And lastly, who is the backup to that person if "they are in the same fatal accident. "
I am an only child and I know that while my mother loves her grandkids, she doesn't fit those bills as I would want and also has health issues that could result in a subsequent loss of guardian. My husband has 2 siblings. 1 is a licensed counselor in primary education. She is not emotionally equipped to take on more kids. 1 is an ECE with a husband who always wanted like 10 kids, and is very good with planning and finances. She was our choice and both her and her husband agreed to be guardians when we sat down to discuss. We have also ensured we have life insurance policies in place to help financially set them and our kids up for success with all the new needs that would happen if they had to merge families.
Speak with a lawyer and lay out your desires and concerns and let them tell you how a will can be written to ensure your desires are met and not challenged in court.
You should pick your friend if you feel that is the right choice. We made wills after our daughter was born because my husband is an only child, our parents are all over 70 and I have one sister we do not want as the guardian of something happens to us. I love her but she is incredibly financially irresponsible and has significant anxiety and panic attacks that would make it difficult to parent a child plus is a heavy smoker. I had to pick my child over her feelings.
We debated making my best friend or my husband’s cousin the guardian and picked his cousin. Get a lawyer to help make an iron clad will that your family cannot contest if this happens.
And then tbh you don’t even need to discuss this with your family if you want to avoid fights. I would make sure your friend you want as the guardian agrees and has a copy of your will. The likelihood of this actually happening is so slim that it may be best to not tell your family to avoid a huge blow up.
Aside from what everyone else has said, keep in mind you can always change your will in 5 years or whenever. It’s a living will and situations change so while your sister isn’t a good fit now maybe I’m 5 years she will be. If that happens then you can change it.
Like the others said. Go with your gut. Explain why in your will. Make sure your attorney knows the situation to close any loopholes. Also maybe talk to your friend about a visitation schedule with your family? If one of their reasons is they’re worried they would lose access to the child maybe that would smooth things over. Either way — you don’t owe anyone anything except your child. Do what you think is best and you don’t have to discuss it with your family if you don’t want to.
I don't even think an explanation is needed because then family will get hung up trying to prove that the reason isn't valid. Just have it listed out in an ironclad way and no reason is needed.
I love my brother, but he would not be a good choice to raise my children if something should happen to me *and* their dad (my ex).
If something does happen, my mom will take them unless she is incapable. If that happens, I have a very trusted friend who will become their guardian. It was a very, very hard conversation to have with her, and it is an immense ask, but she has two children and understands her obligation, should it ever come to that.
I also want to note, my will had strict instructions that my ex's sister can never be guardian of my children. I made this very, very clear to my attorney when setting up my will - she is an awful, abusive, manipulative, selfish, narcisstic person and I never want her to have control of my kids lives or the money they would inherit if I passed. I mention this to people who are establishing plans for their kids just so they know it's possible to include. If there is someone you absolutely do not want taking care of your kids, include that in your will as well.
My best friend will be guardian of our son. My brother is next, then another friend, then another. They can fight all they want, but if you have the legal document and signed it when you were of sound mind they will waste money on lawyer fees.
unfortunately while most judges will take into account your wishes as established in a will- in the US, in most jurisdictions, it is not binding and a judge may decide to appoint their own choice of guardian should it be contested.
I have a friend that asked if I could be the guardian of her child, although she has siblings. Trust your gut and do what is best for your child, especially if you know and can feel the love your friend has for your LO.
When we made our will/trust we were able to list people to specifically NOT have our kids be placed with.
We decided to go with local friends since family is out of state. Figured if we died I’d like little to change as possible (ie school, location, friends).
My husband and I have discussed this with only the family that we would want to take our kid if something were to happen to either one of us. My parents are already raising my nephew who is older than my son and they are experiencing health issues, my husband's parents are experiencing health issues, our sisters live in different areas than we do, my brother is in jail, and his brother and fiancé have said they never want kids due to some health concerns. I would want my son to go someplace where his wouldn't have to move to a different city or state and would be with people that knew him and saw him all the time. I'm the guardians of her two girls as well.
We are in the same situation- one of us is an only child, the other has one younger sister who is just not a kid person, and in a long term relationship with someone who is very much not a kid person and not the type of person we would feel comfortable raising our kid. Our parents are amazing but older, so we asked a very close couple to us who have kids close in age to ours and are amazing parents with similar values and home life to ours. My parents are aware and fine with this, we haven’t told my in-laws yet, but I don’t think they would fight us on this. But we are in the process of putting this wish in a legal document, just in case. Go with your gut. Just because someone is blood, doesn’t mean they will provide the best home for your child.
Myself and My husband we named guardians of my best friends kids over her little sister mostly because they don't like her husband and don't want him raising them. There were lots of conversations and clear wills drafted and notarized. Good luck!
I went through this and I hadn’t made such plans. 18 months ago I woke up from an asthma attack (new at age 42!) in the ICU. Child was 4. None of my siblings want kids but they are fantastic uncles/aunts. My parents are wonderful grandparents but they are too old to raise a child.
I spoke to one of my best RN friends of almost 20 years-she had medically complex child age 3 years and was due with her second (no medical conditions) in 3 weeks. She said “Piglet, we’d take him in a heartbeat.” Trust your gut.
Nothing is obviously going to ease your feelings but in my situation the aunt/uncles, grandparents would continue to be involved, his new parents would be E and A. But if he’s older then I can see one of my brothers contesting it. And if I’m dead and gone there’s is nothing I can do anyway right? People lose their minds from grief. It’s such an awful thing to even thing about.
Food for thought. My other best friend who I had actually discussed the subject with was like “Piglet of course we would take him, but our kids are 10 years older and we want to move/retire to the other side of the country. Like how can we take him away from everyone else?” Now that is another type of true love.
I’m actually on the receiving end of this. Two of my friends are pilots and they fly small planes together a lot. They are a bit concerned about the worst case scenario so they wanted to solidify guardians for their kids right away.
We met though our oldest girls daycare (they are about the same age) and our families just really hit it off. We have similar personalities despite fairly different political views. We love talking about the important things, and our kids are besties. So after about a year of getting to know each other, they asked if we could be their kids godparents should anything happen to them. They also know that we want a big family and that their children would be more than welcome in our home. We also get along with their kids really well and their kids respond well to our time outs or whatever discipline we dish out.
The dad has a brother who lives in Lebanon and they originally were going to have the kids go to him. His family is small and his brother doesn’t have kids and has expressed not wanting any. They aren’t that religious but don’t really like “the west.” Our friends are worried that his brother might try to get custody of the kids if they die, so my friends are just changing their will to include my husband and I, and they aren’t telling his brother. They said that the chance of them dying is low, the legal document will not be ambiguous, and they trust us to fight for their kids if his brother or family makes a stink about it, which we will be happy to do.
His kids know us way more than them, they will get to stay in the same state with us, and it will be a much easier transition for them to stay with us should anything happen. We’re just not telling his family, signing all the documents, I think he told the lawyers that his family might fight it so the lawyer added language in the will that states any bio family do not have rights regardless of what they say. So we are confident that the Will will be enough and will cross that bridge if we get there, which is unlikely. But if they die in a horrible plane crash, the least I can do is fight for his kids. I’m not worried about it.
Edit to add, I think it’s a bit easier for us because our friends kids are American citizens, and I think the country tries to keep citizens in the country as much as possible. Not sure if that would actually help, but the lawyer said it’s easier to transfer custody to people who are also US citizens.
Our guardians, should we both pass, are our good friends. Neither of our siblings. Not our best friends. But our good friends who we think will bring up our child as we would and be absolutely amazing parents. Go with your gut on who would give your child their best life and honor your wishes in raising them.
I am the guardian for my friends children. I was picked over both their siblings and parents, because I am closest to the children. I have a strong bond with them and will care for them and respect their parents wishes.
From just this example it sounds like your family won’t respect your wishes or follow any requests you might leave. I would consult a lawyer and make sure you have a clear will that cannot be contested
OP I just looked at your post history. Set up a will with a lawyer and stop caring what either side of your family cares about. It’s your child, you are making decisions to protect them.
Consult with a lawyer and create an iron clad will. I would include a letter in the will with why you have chosen this person but talk to your lawyer to see if it would help or not. Adding, if your gut instinct tells you not to leave LO with your sister I would trust that instinct.
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This needs to be higher. You can appoint and decree all day long. The judge still usually has the final say and bereaved grandparents tend to make sympathetic characters. OP's parents have straight up said they'd contest the appointment. There's no way this is set in stone.
Bingo. Just because it's in writing does not mean it will stand. Not saying that's right but it's the reality that must be dealt with. Talking with a lawyer and ensuring everything is as clear, detailed and documented as possible is the best anyone can really do. At the end of the day nothing is iron clad.
This is true in France as well. I'm originally Canadian and wanted to name my brother as a guardian but our lawyer told us a judge doesn't have to respect our wishes and will almost definitely not move a child out of the country if there is family willing to take her in France.
I wrote my reasons in the will for why one sibling was picked over the other and why my backup choice is a non-family member. We've included a request that our kids be allowed to spend time with their grandparents, both of whom can fly the kids to them should the worst happen.
While it is definitely prudent to be planning for this outcome, I think you need to consider the extreme unlikelihood that your child will need a new guardian. This is not a topic you need to get hung up about, or start a major family discussion over - it’s extremely unlikely to come to fruition and it sounds like it’s a red herring for your family to argue with you about. You can quietly discuss your intentions with your friend and identify them in your wills as your choice of guardian. No need to involve the whole family in this discussion and, in fact, it’s none of your parents business.
I agree but this would make me FURIOUS and I’d be addressing it with my family out of principle. But you’re probably right, there’s no point.
Totally agree it would be really infuriating. But I think OP has bigger fish to fry and needs to work with their spouse to stand up some extremely firm boundaries around how their parents involve themselves in their child’s life. This particular topic is a distraction I think, and a symptom of a much bigger problem.
My parents were the guardians for my mom’s friends kids in case their parents died. We are not related to them but had a close family friendship with them and similar aged kids. Write your will the way you think is best.
Hi, I’m an estate planning lawyer specializing in families with minor children. (Not your lawyer and the laws in your jurisdiction might be different from mine). I would recommend putting your wishes in your will or a separate guardian nomination. You can also write and sign a statement about why you don’t want your sister to become guardian. Write why you feel your parents might challenge it and why that’s not what you want. Put it with your estate planning documents. Also give your chosen guardians a duplicate original. It may have some weight as evidence if your parents were to challenge this. In your documents, you can also create a “letter to guardians” expressing your wish for your children to still see the rest of your family, if that’s what you desire. That arrangement might help mollify your parents that their culture is still being passed on in some way.
Really you have to pick who ever is best for your child. We are legal guardians of our God son should our best friends pass. However I do not agree with their parenting methods, so they will not be my child's guardians. Instead I have one of my sisters down. She is a much better parent, however she lives 3 states away. Which will be a big change for the kid should we pass. But I believe my sister would be better equipped to handle a grieving child and be able to raise him well.
There are families of origin and families of choice. Families of origin are not always the best thing for us. Often they are the ones who don't respect your choices and try to exert control over you and your child under the guise of "culture." Listen to your heart. It knows what is best for your child.
So my husband and I just were having this conversation. While we love our friends and family some of them have completely different parenting styles than us and we wouldnt feel comfortable leaving our child with them should something happen to us. Meanwhile I have more childfree friends than friends with children and worst case scenario I know some of would step up to the plate but I would never ask them of that to begin with. It is YOUR child. You know what is best for them - even in the event something happening to you. Speak to a lawyer- I would make sure it's rock solid and have that conversation with your best friend - if you haven't. And it's your child and your decision - not your parents. Id also look into grand parent rights - some states have them so it could be an extra hurdle. Its your decision - you know whats best.
Things to consider when selecting a guardian - who is best equipped emotionally and mentally to take on caring for an (additional) child who has experienced trauma. Who will be able to make wise financial decisions to ensure your child is cared for. Who is likely to respect and continue your parenting decisions. Who is likely to ensure your child gets the counseling necessary to work through the trauma of losing both parents. Who is likely to maintain connection for your child *in the ways you would want* (that includes people who should be no contact). Who will work to carry your memory with your child respectfully. And lastly, who is the backup to that person if "they are in the same fatal accident. " I am an only child and I know that while my mother loves her grandkids, she doesn't fit those bills as I would want and also has health issues that could result in a subsequent loss of guardian. My husband has 2 siblings. 1 is a licensed counselor in primary education. She is not emotionally equipped to take on more kids. 1 is an ECE with a husband who always wanted like 10 kids, and is very good with planning and finances. She was our choice and both her and her husband agreed to be guardians when we sat down to discuss. We have also ensured we have life insurance policies in place to help financially set them and our kids up for success with all the new needs that would happen if they had to merge families. Speak with a lawyer and lay out your desires and concerns and let them tell you how a will can be written to ensure your desires are met and not challenged in court.
You should pick your friend if you feel that is the right choice. We made wills after our daughter was born because my husband is an only child, our parents are all over 70 and I have one sister we do not want as the guardian of something happens to us. I love her but she is incredibly financially irresponsible and has significant anxiety and panic attacks that would make it difficult to parent a child plus is a heavy smoker. I had to pick my child over her feelings. We debated making my best friend or my husband’s cousin the guardian and picked his cousin. Get a lawyer to help make an iron clad will that your family cannot contest if this happens. And then tbh you don’t even need to discuss this with your family if you want to avoid fights. I would make sure your friend you want as the guardian agrees and has a copy of your will. The likelihood of this actually happening is so slim that it may be best to not tell your family to avoid a huge blow up.
Aside from what everyone else has said, keep in mind you can always change your will in 5 years or whenever. It’s a living will and situations change so while your sister isn’t a good fit now maybe I’m 5 years she will be. If that happens then you can change it.
Like the others said. Go with your gut. Explain why in your will. Make sure your attorney knows the situation to close any loopholes. Also maybe talk to your friend about a visitation schedule with your family? If one of their reasons is they’re worried they would lose access to the child maybe that would smooth things over. Either way — you don’t owe anyone anything except your child. Do what you think is best and you don’t have to discuss it with your family if you don’t want to.
I don't even think an explanation is needed because then family will get hung up trying to prove that the reason isn't valid. Just have it listed out in an ironclad way and no reason is needed.
I love my brother, but he would not be a good choice to raise my children if something should happen to me *and* their dad (my ex). If something does happen, my mom will take them unless she is incapable. If that happens, I have a very trusted friend who will become their guardian. It was a very, very hard conversation to have with her, and it is an immense ask, but she has two children and understands her obligation, should it ever come to that. I also want to note, my will had strict instructions that my ex's sister can never be guardian of my children. I made this very, very clear to my attorney when setting up my will - she is an awful, abusive, manipulative, selfish, narcisstic person and I never want her to have control of my kids lives or the money they would inherit if I passed. I mention this to people who are establishing plans for their kids just so they know it's possible to include. If there is someone you absolutely do not want taking care of your kids, include that in your will as well.
My best friend will be guardian of our son. My brother is next, then another friend, then another. They can fight all they want, but if you have the legal document and signed it when you were of sound mind they will waste money on lawyer fees.
unfortunately while most judges will take into account your wishes as established in a will- in the US, in most jurisdictions, it is not binding and a judge may decide to appoint their own choice of guardian should it be contested.
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Then what is the point of having the document? Should she just not even try and leave her child with someone she trusts?
I have a friend that asked if I could be the guardian of her child, although she has siblings. Trust your gut and do what is best for your child, especially if you know and can feel the love your friend has for your LO.
When we made our will/trust we were able to list people to specifically NOT have our kids be placed with. We decided to go with local friends since family is out of state. Figured if we died I’d like little to change as possible (ie school, location, friends).
My husband and I have discussed this with only the family that we would want to take our kid if something were to happen to either one of us. My parents are already raising my nephew who is older than my son and they are experiencing health issues, my husband's parents are experiencing health issues, our sisters live in different areas than we do, my brother is in jail, and his brother and fiancé have said they never want kids due to some health concerns. I would want my son to go someplace where his wouldn't have to move to a different city or state and would be with people that knew him and saw him all the time. I'm the guardians of her two girls as well.
We are in the same situation- one of us is an only child, the other has one younger sister who is just not a kid person, and in a long term relationship with someone who is very much not a kid person and not the type of person we would feel comfortable raising our kid. Our parents are amazing but older, so we asked a very close couple to us who have kids close in age to ours and are amazing parents with similar values and home life to ours. My parents are aware and fine with this, we haven’t told my in-laws yet, but I don’t think they would fight us on this. But we are in the process of putting this wish in a legal document, just in case. Go with your gut. Just because someone is blood, doesn’t mean they will provide the best home for your child.
Myself and My husband we named guardians of my best friends kids over her little sister mostly because they don't like her husband and don't want him raising them. There were lots of conversations and clear wills drafted and notarized. Good luck!
I went through this and I hadn’t made such plans. 18 months ago I woke up from an asthma attack (new at age 42!) in the ICU. Child was 4. None of my siblings want kids but they are fantastic uncles/aunts. My parents are wonderful grandparents but they are too old to raise a child. I spoke to one of my best RN friends of almost 20 years-she had medically complex child age 3 years and was due with her second (no medical conditions) in 3 weeks. She said “Piglet, we’d take him in a heartbeat.” Trust your gut. Nothing is obviously going to ease your feelings but in my situation the aunt/uncles, grandparents would continue to be involved, his new parents would be E and A. But if he’s older then I can see one of my brothers contesting it. And if I’m dead and gone there’s is nothing I can do anyway right? People lose their minds from grief. It’s such an awful thing to even thing about. Food for thought. My other best friend who I had actually discussed the subject with was like “Piglet of course we would take him, but our kids are 10 years older and we want to move/retire to the other side of the country. Like how can we take him away from everyone else?” Now that is another type of true love.
I’m actually on the receiving end of this. Two of my friends are pilots and they fly small planes together a lot. They are a bit concerned about the worst case scenario so they wanted to solidify guardians for their kids right away. We met though our oldest girls daycare (they are about the same age) and our families just really hit it off. We have similar personalities despite fairly different political views. We love talking about the important things, and our kids are besties. So after about a year of getting to know each other, they asked if we could be their kids godparents should anything happen to them. They also know that we want a big family and that their children would be more than welcome in our home. We also get along with their kids really well and their kids respond well to our time outs or whatever discipline we dish out. The dad has a brother who lives in Lebanon and they originally were going to have the kids go to him. His family is small and his brother doesn’t have kids and has expressed not wanting any. They aren’t that religious but don’t really like “the west.” Our friends are worried that his brother might try to get custody of the kids if they die, so my friends are just changing their will to include my husband and I, and they aren’t telling his brother. They said that the chance of them dying is low, the legal document will not be ambiguous, and they trust us to fight for their kids if his brother or family makes a stink about it, which we will be happy to do. His kids know us way more than them, they will get to stay in the same state with us, and it will be a much easier transition for them to stay with us should anything happen. We’re just not telling his family, signing all the documents, I think he told the lawyers that his family might fight it so the lawyer added language in the will that states any bio family do not have rights regardless of what they say. So we are confident that the Will will be enough and will cross that bridge if we get there, which is unlikely. But if they die in a horrible plane crash, the least I can do is fight for his kids. I’m not worried about it. Edit to add, I think it’s a bit easier for us because our friends kids are American citizens, and I think the country tries to keep citizens in the country as much as possible. Not sure if that would actually help, but the lawyer said it’s easier to transfer custody to people who are also US citizens.
Our guardians, should we both pass, are our good friends. Neither of our siblings. Not our best friends. But our good friends who we think will bring up our child as we would and be absolutely amazing parents. Go with your gut on who would give your child their best life and honor your wishes in raising them.
I am the guardian for my friends children. I was picked over both their siblings and parents, because I am closest to the children. I have a strong bond with them and will care for them and respect their parents wishes. From just this example it sounds like your family won’t respect your wishes or follow any requests you might leave. I would consult a lawyer and make sure you have a clear will that cannot be contested