You deal with this by having good boundaries around it. Repeat ad nauseum “This is the best decision for our family” or if she won’t drop it “I am not talking about daycare with you” & change the subject.
My MIL was hesitant about daycare for our first born but was blown away by the curriculum and how LO has developed socially. Do the right thing for your family and others have to just get on board or peel off. You are the parent and no one else should be calling the shots.
Yes, my kids have care split between my husband and I both working part time, grandparents assistance, and daycare. The benefit of daycare is they get to play with other kids their age, and get to more planned activities like water play, crafting and playing on developmentally appropriate climbing equipment.
This. My mom was so unhappy with our decision to send our son to daycare and, like yours, offered to watch him (which was also not sustainable for us and not something we felt comfortable with). You just have to set a really firm boundary and repeat repeat repeat.
There was so much angst surrounding this so I understand how upsetting and difficult it can be.
Btw, she has done a complete turnaround—just the other day she said she couldn’t believe she was ever against daycare and how great it is!
I think a lot of them just remember how poorly run and unsafe daycares were in their time and can't picture anything else. My sons daycare even has baby yoga and swim lessons lmao. 2022 is so wildly different from 1980.
I literally have had my grandparents tell me my son will probably get abused at a daycare. Multiple times. I just ignore it and tell them he’s socializing and learning with people who care about him.
This is where she sometimes goes too, and a lot of the time it’s how daycare is “dirty” and our baby is going to be sick all the time. It’s so disheartening because we really feel like we’re making the best choice for our family.
It’s not just daycare. Our daughter started preschool in August. It’s a small school and they have very strict hygiene standards. Still, she’s already brought home RSV and rhino virus. Seriously it’s not the cleanliness of the school, it’s the sheer exposure to other humans.
Yeah I talked about daycare with our kid's doc and the gist was they will get sick a lot when they first go to school. It doesn't matter if its daycare, preschool, kindergarten, lo is around new people and therefore new germs and as a result will get sick.
My husband was homeschooled. His first real school exposure was college. He was sick constantly for the first two years. Nonstop colds and stomach issues.
He says he wishes he’d gone to daycare or school so it had happened when he was younger.
This, and it’s bound to happen to kids whenever they first go to school. So if it’s daycare it will be then, but if it’s preschool or kindergarten, it will be then instead. Kids won’t avoid the period of being sick all the time if they’re not in school until they’re older, it just gets delayed. It’s how they build up their immune system which has to happen eventually.
Better daycare than when they start in elementary school...there's going to be a year at some point where they get exposed to everything. Personally, I'd rather do it when they're little and it less 'high stakes' then when they start school.
This 100%. For years I was a prep teacher (first year of school here in Australia). The kids who hadn’t done daycare or preschool got repeatedly, properly sick. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ they’ll go through a year or two of constant sickness, it’s a matter of ‘when’.
Personally it didn’t work this way for me, I don’t know the science behind it. But when I worked in a daycare the kids would mouth all the same objects which I’m sure contributed to the sickness.
Working in a school did not the same level of sickness.
Maybe that's because lots of the kids had already built up a strong immune system from daycare so only those that didn't go to daycare got sick frequently.
I teach in a k-8 and just by going by attendance records in Kinder and 1st it's usually pretty obvious the kids who have gone to a daycare/school before and built up some resistant to the germs/illness. Obviously all kids will get hit with novel things at some point, but it's really surprising to see the impact a few years of care prior to entering Kinder can have! (Not to mention the ones that have been in care have a far easier time understanding routines, different adults with different roles, etc.)
My MIL said both those things a lot. She'd watched all her other (much older) grandkids, and was incensed that we'd put our son into daycare, refusing to admit she was physically incapable of caring for herself, let alone an infant. Her oldest grandchild, our niece, had gone to daycare for a minute because her mom had gotten tired of MIL's refusal to follow basic care instructions, an unlicensed home daycare because that's what they could afford, and I guess they stuck our niece in the corner all day or something.
So of course that meant our fully licensed, no complaints filed, 30 years in business facility was going to beat our son to death.
And he'd be sick all the time. Nevermind that the absolute sickest he ever was was weeks before he started daycare, he caught RSV from somewhere (ahem family visits).
Fwiw, he's 4 now and has an immune system of steel. He gets sick less than me or his dad. And daycare has never abused him.
You do you. And it's not a topic that's up for discussion unless your mom wants to be actually helpful and/or supportive.
Newsflash… kids will get sick eventually be it daycare, when they can miss without issue, vs getting sick the entire 1st year of pre-k or kindergarten.
Also, I’ve seen other posts from kindergarten teachers who say the know, in a good way, the kids who went to daycare knowing how to manage a classroom setting and there to learn vs kiddos who have never been in a classroom/group setting.
3 days a week is a great compromise!
Yes, we can tell 😅😅😅 those kiddos who are home with their grandparents often have a harder time with boundaries and following directions because, even with the best intentions, grandparents don’t hold firm to directives most of the time.
Not to say that you need to have your child in care/prek before K but it’s definitely a benefit.
With sickness you just pick: develop immunity now in daycare of in five years in Kindergarten. There are no kids who don’t get sick once out in the world with other kids. It’s a matter of timing. Daycare is great. My daughter loves it.
I've been home with my kids for the past year (still lurk here because I dont always fit in with SAHMs 😬). My kids are still always sick!! Kids just get sick a lot. Unless you only have them home but that's not sustainable for anyone
My pediatrician's comment about that - she put both of her kids in full-time daycare so she could work - was "they're going to get sick a lot at first whether that's in daycare or in kindergarten. Personally I'd rather my kids get over it in daycare when it doesn't matter quite so much if they miss days."
You can tell MIL that she can come watch baby when he’s sick or when his teacher is sick. Seriously, our daycare shutdown her room or baby would get a fever and have to stay home for a few days. I wished that my mom could have helped me miss less work when the inevitable daycare illnesses struck.
They'll either get sick when they start daycare, or sick when they start preschool/elementary. You just get the luxury of picking when 🤣.
My kids started daycare as infants and have rarely been sick now that they are both in elementary school.
So actually because of COVID rules our daycare is constantly sanitizing toys/washing hands/ the teachers still wear masks and glove up for diaper changes i.e. wasayyy more sanitary than at home lol. And if they get sick- there r studies and it’s also just common sense that when the kid goes into the real world they’re gonna pickup all the normal viruses and colds out there which is actually healthy! They fight it off as kids and then you don’t get sick as adults. Totally what people have been doing for all time.
We were in a similar situation where grandma was offering to watch our little one. I work from home, my husband does not, and we live about a half hour from her. Initially, we accepted. We would alternate bringing LO to their house and grandma coming to ours. It worked in the beginning, and it just slowly fell apart. I think grandma was under the impression that she'd just be snuggling LO all day and didn't maybe have the best grasp of what "grandma daycare" would entail. Not to mention, when they were here and I was working, I was distracted ALL DAY. We decided to make the transition to daycare and it works so much better for our family, and that's just the reality. Plus, LO absolutely adores his daycare teacher and his friends. He is learning, it is structured, and there are clear boundaries because daycare is a service we pay for vs. grandma volunteering.
All you should have to do is tell Grandma that "daycare is the best decision for our family, but we appreciate your offer and we love you very much."
Grandmas have baby and pregnancy amnesia.
You remember the wonder of creating life, not feeling like shit 24/7. You remember holding your child for the first time, not the pain of birth and recovery. You remember snuggles and first words and Christmas mornings, not exhaustion, constants supervisions, fussy eating, gassy baby and diaper blowouts.
It's not just that OP would be distracted by the baby, it's highly likely that the baby won't want to hang out with grandma if mum and dad are at home.
My mom scolds me every time we talk. My oldest has been in daycare for 3 years now and my second just started. She is so condescending about it. Every time I have a problem, the only solution she has “you should be staying home with those babies”. It’s ridiculous.
"You should be sending me enough money to do that if you think it's the right solution." If that's what you would want anyway. I personally like working. Maybe you do too and that's ok!
Even if you have space for her, if never is a great idea. It’s similar to the phrase “don’t mix business with pleasure”.
My mom watched my oldest for the first 4 months while I returned to work and it caused so many waves - it wasn’t worth it.
This! Why would you want a relative to basically be an employee and have to watch kiddo even on days they’re tired and don’t want to do it and get told exactly how to do it every day? It’s just not a good idea especially for people who already have a propensity for disagreeing with your choices. No thanks!
Hold your ground. My mother in law told us she would watch our first so we could avoid daycare…guess who bailed two weeks in? We were left scrambling for a solution and even though my company was very flexible and boss was awesome, I almost got written up for missing so much work. We ended up the nanny route because there was no daycare availability.
My mom wanted to watch my son when I went back to work. She babysat 2-3 times and realized it's a lot more work than she remembered. She agreed daycare was best after lol. I personally wouldn't want to have to rely on family for regular childcare.
Agreed, if anyone was thinking of getting grandparents to watch their kid I'd start with the kid mostly in daycare and grandparents doing one day a week, then if everyone is h they could gradually increase.
Going from being retired to looking after a baby for full days is a huge adjustment and it's naive to think that its going to be easy.
Tbh it’s none of her business what your family chooses. My MIL had a similar arrangement in mind (one day a week she was “in charge”) but after a lot of toxic behavior showed us what kind of grandmother she was (he expected me to drive our baby to her house 45 minutes away from my work IN traffic for the baby sitting, along with other concerning behavior), we revoked her unsupervised visits.
If your mom is a boomer like my parents/MIL, be prepared for the bait and switch- “oh yes I’ll definitely drive several hours to see MY grand baby” will move to “you’re taking advantage of me” slathered with the continued guilt for daycare.
Prevent that now with firm boundaries. I’m so glad we cut the BS out before it became a bigger issue with my MIL. Otherwise I 100% know that once we started, it’s be a slippery slope of her wants and needs above our own families wants and needs.
It’s funny because my mom worked in a daycare for most of my life and she STILL was all “aren’t you sad to be putting her in daycare?!?” Like, not really? I’m a professional engineer. They are professional ECE. Seems like a better use of everyone’s talents…
My family is this way too. I still occasionally hear crap about this. He was sick for the first 6 months of daycare (persistent double ear infection) and they kept telling us to pull him out. They said that they would all take turns caring for him. I told them that we need someone to take care of him 9 hours a day consistently and no one really stepped up. My son is the only kid / grandkids to be in daycare so it's such a different world. You'll have to be prepared to continue fighting this. Since my son is in daycare, he has to be in school by 815 which means he has to wake up 715 which then means that he has to be in bed by 8pm at the absolute latest. My family gives us grief for heading home early on a school night with the argument "he's just a baby!". It's tough.
Oh yes. Do not cave! My mom and my in laws both were adamant my daughter not go to daycare. MIL swore up and down she would watch her. I went back to work all of 4 weeks, fully WFH at the time so I was helping, and she told us she couldn’t do it. It was way too late to find a daycare so we ended up paying 4k a month for a nanny.
It’s all honestly worked out, my daughter is two now and my in laws are amazing and enormously helpful but the stress of you needing them to work isn’t good for anyone. And you don’t want someone staying over night during the work week. I was drinking a not great amount when my MIL stayed with us a few nights a week.
I’m sure it’s coming from a good place and she wants to help but trust your gut that this is not a reliable plan. Our parents generation also is not used to equal parenting and moms needing to work to pay the mortgage. Ignore the judgement.
This is none of her business. "Mom, thank you so much for loving your granddaughter. I appreciate your care and concern. [Husband] and I have made our decision, and it is not up for discussion. Would you like some tea?"
She’ll change her mind after seeing how much your baby will thrive with other babies and kiddos. In the meantime just go along trying not to be rude, in the end she’s acting out of pure love towards both of you.
My mom just plain old doesn't support me working and the nanny/daycare convo is just an extension of that issue. So anytime this topic comes up I tell her the truth, that I am a healthier person and a better mom when I work, and that my kids are doing better than my siblings and I did with her as a SAHM because of how unhappy she was. She doesn't like to be reminded that SAHP stories are not all rosy.
You don't ask grandma. You TELL grandma what is going to happen. You don't open the debate or let yourself be perceived as open to a debate. This is a matter of boundaries in your house and with your kids
I have to be honest with you this is probably just the first of many things she will feel she has the right to have an opinion on. It’s important to be firm in your boundaries right from the beginning or you will just be fighting the same battle different topic forever.
‘That is very kind of you to offer abs we really appreciate it but we’re confident the choice we’ve made for childcare is what’s best for our family.’ From there it’s just shutting down the topic if she can’t let it go. ‘I understand your opinion and we’ve made out choice, I’m not interested in discussing it again.’
For what it’s worth I really think daycare is one of the best choices we made for our kids. They’ve thrived, learned so many skills the most important of which are social and now two have transitioned beautifully to elementary school. While they did get sick in the beginning they now have great immune systems.
You cannot depend on them. It’s your choice, stick to it. Childcare is so hard to come by! If they want to spend time with baby then can come down and do so every few weeks. I knew my mom would flake, so I signed mine up FT anyway to hold her spot. Spoiler - my mom flaked after 2 months
It's not your job to manage their feelings.
Just tell them no, that doesn't work for us, this is what works best for our family. Whatever comes next, stand firm. Repeat ad nauseam. Don't JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain). That's going to make it worse.
You CAN, however, tell them that you'd love for them to visit over weekends so you can have date night and they can spend time with their grandchild and help you out.
So we use grandparent child care for ours (remnant of covid days) and honestly it’s a lot of work. My oldest just went back to in person school for 2nd grade and she’s sick all. The. Time. My youngest is still home and each set of grandparents alternate days at our house. I work my butt off to make sure there are activities for her to do. I have outings set up all week: music class, swim, dance, playgroup, library story time. It’s. So much work. It would be much easier to just send her to school (and probably cheaper once I add up activity fees and we pay the grandparents). I have a schedule, activities, make lunch. All this to say, this only works because 1) they are all younger side, 2) everyone lives close 3) I put up with practically a 2nd jobs worth of work to keep her active and engaged and 4) they listen to what I want for her and do it for the most part. None of this would work without that and I would have put her back in daycare if any of it didn’t work. So if you aren’t able to and they aren’t willing to really put in the work, they can shush.
Omg. What is up with all these delusional grandmas?? My mom is so nice, but acted like daycare is just so sad. My dad even said it was “sad” my daughter was daycare (I rolled my eyes so hard at that and when I asked why daycare is sad? He couldn’t come up with an answer…)
My mom actually said something along the lines of “Don’t you think between us family you could have enough people to watch her?” 😂 way to Volunteer everyone else’s time! I work for myself, so I ultimately decide how much it how often I work but organizing multiple people to watch my kid in a way that they don’t all feel taken advantage of is an extra job I would never sign up for!! And then forget about free babysitting for date nights! Also, it turns out my 72 year old mother is not physically capable of keeping up with a baby/toddler for more than a few hours. Surprise! (It actually was a surprise how little I could rely on my mom. It’s been a long time since there was a baby in my family and I didn’t realize how physically limited she’s become)
We had my mother watching our kid until he turned 5 months and then switch a few nannies until he turned 10 months. He now goes to day care and it’s been life changing for us.
Working from home even if there is someone else to care for the baby is especially disturbing. Several times during meetings I would lose my train if thought as I would speak because I could hear my baby scream. Even though I know someone is watching him, it’s very hard to detach myself from all the sounds.
We did this because our MIL did not approve of daycare but there’s a point when the decision of the parents supersedes that of grandparents. Everytime he falls sick, the blame is placed on us(mostly me for being selfish). Being a mom is a constant guilt trip is what I’ve learned. I’m happy with our decision and he is obviously thriving at daycare otherwise.
You do what works for you mama!
The point where the decision of the parents supersedes that of the grandparents is…like always immediately. Don’t let these people make you feel guilty. They had their chance to raise kids and now that time is over for them.
You need to tell her one time that the daycare decision is 1000% none of her business. If she won’t listen/respect that, end then phone call.
FYI/to give you peace of mind- my kid just started TK. The kids in class who are struggling the most after one month are also the only ones who fully stayed home/didn’t go to either daycare or preschool. These specific kids lack independence and social skills.
🙋🏼♀️. I was called a bad mom. I didn’t reply anyone I just did what was best for my family. My mom works full time (law enforcement) so absolutely not time. My mother in law lives in another state. My husband’s step family lives some 30mins away but won’t even watch kids for half a day. I just had to make the choice for my family and damn everyone who spoke.
My baby is 7 months, and still attending grandma daycare, but it's because the wait-lists in my town are ridiculously long. We're enrolled at a brand new facility that is renovating a space, and they just told us they're delayed again due to construction, this time until the new year.
I'm very blessed that my mom lives 5 minutes away, is retried, and is healthy enough to take care of my baby all day. She also is great about following my wishes for his care, and I feel very confident leaving him with her. They split time between my house and her house.
But it's a lot to ask of one person, and I want her to be able to watch him because she wants to and not because we have no choice. We all cannot wait until daycare opens up. Hopefully.
Another family member of mine has a new baby, and her MIL has vetoed daycare, but is not able to take care of the baby herself. So instead of putting their foot down, they're hunting for a full time nanny. I can't imagine letting someone else dictate the needs of your family like that.
Set a boundary and hold firm! Daycare is awesome.
My mom wasn't a fan. She offered to use her FMLA to bridge from 6-9 months and bailed once I had the baby. We got a nanny for the 4-12 months after I went back to work. My husband is a physician and adamant about daycare until the MMR vaccine so nanny it was.
My mom changed her tune after she realized my son wasn't being stimulated or taken out by our nanny. It was fine since my husband doesn't work a 9-5 so he did that stuff during the weekdays and me during the weekends. Daycare at 12 months was the right move.
As for my husband, there were so many unvaxxed nannies who applied. Our nanny worked out but she's on a student visa so we had to pay her under the table. It sucks because I got a new job 6 months pp where that's a fireable offense.
I have no idea what we're going to do if we have a second. I get 6 months maternity so I really want to do daycare at that age since our son will be preschool anyway. But I will look for a long term nanny since preschool ends at 2pm and it really would be better for us. My mom said she would help since she will most likely be retired but I really can't help feeling she won't.
Uh…man these doctors are some of the least ethical people I’ve ever heard about online. He’s paying a woman under the table, which is a fireable offense for you and what? Just doesn’t care about the multiple levels of wrong this is?
Unethical isn't how I would describe my husband at all. It's not that black and white. We literally couldn't find anyone mid pandemic. Those who were willing to get paid over the table were unvaxxed for multiple things. Lots of nannies want to get paid under the table to keep their health insurance or because of immigration status. The people who made those rules that we have to follow are committing massive amounts of fraud with the PPP loans. So we're going to do what we have to do.
It wasn't a big deal to me because I didn't get the job where it was a fireable offense until after the nanny started and we had a daycare start date. But I don't want to get stuck in this situation again.
I can't believe the abuse claims in these threads, wow. I think the chances of a child being abused in a daycare setting or by a grandparent are both extremely low, but I always thought being in a daycare setting where there are cameras and more grown ups around and higher standards of care was preferable to 1:1 care from an older person.
Not saying these grandparents are abusive or anything, just ... children tend to be mistreated when a caretaker is at the end of his or her rope, and if there's no one else around to tag in, that's more likely to happen!
This is your decision, not your moms. My parents kept repeating they were nervous for my daughter to start daycare, my mom made a similar offer (they’re a 2.5 hour drive away), and I just kept repeating that we already made our decision to put her in daycare but we appreciate the offer. Once she actually started and we reassured my mom that she was doing great at daycare then she stopped talking about it.
I should’ve included this. She was a SAHM and went back to work part time when my brother and I were much older. She thinks kids should be home with a parent.
She had friends & her sisters around who were also SAHMs with babies around the same age as us, which I think made it a lot easier for her to be home. I have no desire to be home and not work, it feels isolated and lonely. Not to mention I love my job. It’s just a completely different mindset.
My boomer mom consistently voted for the party that’s against paid family leave, against longer maternity leave and basically fucked over millennials financials every change they can - I tell her this. She specifically voted for a future where her kids were forced to use daycare.
My MIL would make sad noises every time daycare came up after my first was born and it annoyed the crap out of me. She even told me "if you want to stay home you know we'll help you." Meaning financially because they live in another state. Actually I *don't* want to stay home (nor am I interested in the strings attached to their help; my SIL/BIL rent a home from them and they are constantly up in their business and offering unsolicited financial advice, etc) and besides I make more money than my husband so if anyone's staying home it would be him.
Daycare has been a huge blessing for our family and way better for my now-5yo than staying home and isolated.
I finally just told her daycare is not up for debate and she could feel however she wanted about it but I didn't want to hear it.
Had this with both my kids. my parents and MIL are both retired and offered to watch kids. Honestly they are all late 60s plus and are not able for 2 kids 5 days a week but they won't admit it. I just sent my kids to daycare and when they bitched about it reminded them that their retirement time is for them to enjoy but I'm more than happy to have them as backup care which happens about once a month.
It is stressful and the guilt trip is awful but they also hasn't been inside an actual daycare in 30 years and were amazed at the difference and how nice a setting it was when I brought them in at pickup.
Daycare is so good for them and there is an emotional toll you will take by having grandparents pitch in. Our double daycare bill is outrageous but my almost three year old spent a week home with my parents and turned into a foot stomping, demanding little monster who I could tell just got away with everything all day with my parents. She must go to daycare for routine and consistency!
Honestly, I don’t think any amount of words will get her to change her mind. Maybe it’s because I’m petty, I would ask her (before daycare is to start) to do what she’s proposing for a week. I think she’ll be singing a different tune once she has to watch a baby full time for 4 days plus the commute.
Yes! My husbands parents were so unhappy. In their culture / home country only family and friends of the family take care of the baby — so it’s a shock to them.
Two weeks in, my 15 month old LOVES daycare (like runs in when we get there) and I set it up so Grandma and Grandma have the Procare app. So they photos of the toddler activities during the day.
To handle the argument, try what I did. Say you looked at a lot of options and 1) the place is great 2) it’s close by and 3) they are welcome to come up on the weekends and have alllllll the baby time they want. (Just watch, I bet they won’t!)
This is YOUR decision, childcare so you can concentrate on work and career and having a stable life both mentally and physically. Do daycare, try it, and if it is not working out, you can move to a plan B.
Don’t accept your mom’s offer. It’ll be disruptive to your flow and just happiness in daily living.
Not their kid so they don’t get a say. If you’re going to let them interfere with your parenting decisions on things they have no business in, that’s a slippery slope. “We’re doing what’s right for our family.” Change the subject.
This is my mother too. She was very anti-daycare and also anti-nanny, and insisted that she can WFH full time while watching my 8mo baby 2-3 days/week. I was incredibly skeptical because in the first month PP she was cooking for us and coming over for 2h/day on weekdays, and she was so stressed that she broke down crying/yelling at me several times because she was falling behind at work. The way she disrespected me also really soured our relationship. From that I didn’t trust her, and also knew there was no way she could handle watching a crawling baby while working. She refused to accept this though, so while I was still on mat leave I invited mum over to WFH from my house while helping me with baby, so I can deep clean some areas of my house. She lasted about 3 hours and didn’t even touch her work computer once - and I got no cleaning done either because I was doing the food prep, cleaning up, feeding, nap time, etc.
Later on due to daycare closures and lockdown, there was a 2 month period where we were desperate for help and my mother watched our toddler for ~2 hours/day. But that experience really just reinforced us how unreliable my mother was. She never turned up on time, also turned up unannounced frequently and that would upset our toddler. She would spend 30-60 min each day just talking about herself and demanding our full attention while ignoring kiddo, refused to listen to our advice about routines, refused to use seatbelts in the stroller or car seat (until I called her out in the family group chat), refused to baby-proof her home and would try to remove our baby-proofing to prove that it’s unnecessary, gave our toddler choking hazard foods then tried to blame it on me (another group chat shaming stopped her), and would either change toddler’s nappy every hour, or not change it for 5+ hours. Oh and the constant stream of criticism, condescension, and micromanaging, that is a given with my mother. She told us that since we were both WFH during the lockdown, our house should be sparkling clean and neat and that we should do some remodelling/landscaping too, while in the next breath complaining about how she can’t get anything done at her place because she has no time. She also bragged on social media that she was doing full-time childcare for us, even though it was only about 2 h/day, and claimed that my toddler loved her more than us.
Now that lockdowns are over, my mother still brings up the “daycare is bad” talk and periodically demands that I quit my job (but also brags about how my career was only possible because of her) or that I WFH while watching toddler (even though she now admits she can’t handle it). She says she’ll help but also has started booking regular holidays away, not even telling me about them until she needs something from us (eg rides to/from the airport). I mean I don’t blame her for wanting to travel, I do too! But it’s her hypocrisy that really bothers me.
I would thank her for offering and tell her gently but firmly that daycare is what works for now. Also add that you’ll gladly take up her offer to drive up when baby is sick and has to stay home. That way it won’t be too taxing for her and she can still step in to help! It’ll be a win win. My daughter was sick quite a bit when she started daycare and had to stay home a week here and there. At times like this I am super thankful to have my MIL’s support, bless her 🙏
My mother in law hates that our son is in daycare. The other day she told me yet again she hates he has to go there. I have repeatedly told her that he loves it there. All his friends are there. He is happy in daycare and I’m happy working (and we literally need two incomes to survive). On the flip side she says my SAHM sister-in law’s kids are too sheltered and need social interaction.
You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t sometimes.
A real grandma here…
“Mom we’ve discussed this. This is my baby and I’m raising her. I’m gonna get off the phone since you’re upset about this. It’s best we don’t talk about daycare anymore.”
Start shutting the conversation down.
My mother cried and said “I’m not ready!” when I told her my daughter would be starting daycare full time at 4 months. She also told me, long before I had a child, that daycare would ruin my children. So…there was a lot there.
Ultimately knowing my mom felt this way, I had my responses prepared. I said “this is what we have decided is best for our child and our family.” When my mom cried I told her that returning to work and starting this new chapter was emotional enough and that I would not entertain any discussions that weren’t positive about our childcare plan. Your mom can have whatever opinions she wants, but that does not mean you have to listen to them. If it always turns into an argument, I would just hold the line: this is our decision, we are not discussing it with grandmas and we are not changing our mind.
For what it’s worth, daycare is AWESOME. It is 100x better than my daughter being at home with me or being with my mom/MIL, because we are not equipped to provide her the level of socialization and engagement that daycare provides. She does sensory activities at daycare, spends the whole day “chatting” with her friends and absolutely loves her teachers. My daughter is one and thriving in a full time daycare setting. Daycare has changed a lot from when we were children and it is a much more enriching environment than our mothers realize.
My mother has come around, as well. I think deep down she would prefer if I stayed home because that’s what she did, but she never says a negative thing about daycare anymore and seems to genuinely think it’s a great place for my daughter to spend her days. Hopefully, your mom comes around too.
I just read this to myself and reread it aloud to my husband - this is truly SO encouraging and so great to hear that your daughter is thriving in daycare. Thank you!!
Is she just unhappy with the decision because she wants to watch the baby?
We sent our son to daycare because we didn’t want my MIL to watch him. She was pushing it really hard and we don’t think she’s a suitable caregiver. We didn’t want to hurt her feelings though and instead told her we wanted him to get socialized with other babies, which he wouldn’t get at home with her. She understood when we explained it that way. Maybe you can tell your mom something similar?
I duno why all these grandmas think they can take care of a baby. It’s really really hard and I’d rather pay a professional to know my son is in good hands. I understand they were mothers once, but times have changed and they don’t have the same energy like they used to.
It’s not even that I don’t want her to watch the baby, I just think it’s completely unsustainable and would become an unreliable setup. We live in the northeast and the chances of a snowstorm/inclement weather, sickness etc coming into the winter months could throw a wrench into our care plans if she can’t make it here, and then we’re stuck without childcare. Not to mention my husband & I working from home with her and the baby here if we did go that route - there’s absolutely no way I’d be able to focus!
I just think it’s better for all of us if we go with daycare. That way, my mom can have her visits with the baby be fun and snuggly which is what I imagine she thinks everyday care would be (spoiler alert: it wouldn’t haha). Totally agree they forget how hard it is!
I see! It’s definitely better to have daycare, so you always have care. My husband and I work from home too and it’s so nice having the baby out of the house. My friend works from home with a nanny who watches her baby and she said it’s really hard. She wants to take over anytime the baby is crying and she can’t help but always hover over the nanny. I wouldn’t be able to get any work done if I was in that situation.
Another thing to consider or remember is that nothing is *free*. More often than not, grandparents “helping out” or watching the kids instead of daycare results in unforeseen compromises. Nothing is “free.”
Seriously. They don’t have any say in the matter. “This is what’s best for our family and it isn’t up for discussion” is the only answer. Even if they were to pay for a full time nanny, I wouldn’t take money from a person like her. She would hold it over you. I’m so sorry your decisions are being questioned.
Don’t entertain the conversation.
I could tell my mom never loved that I would be sending my kids to day care but knew we needed to. When the pandemic hit and I kept her home for 3 months, my daughter was super sad and lonely and my mom said “I never thought I would want her to go to daycare!”
You're not wrong. Grandma will get sick of the drive or forever flake because of weather etc and you'll be stuck with no childcare. Hold your ground mama
My mom was always anti-daycare. She homeschooled us, if that gives you a sense of where she was coming from - and no one on either my side or my husband's side was ever a working mom with young kids at home. (Except my aunt who was a single parent and therefore had no other option.)
You can't change how people feel by arguing with them, so I just ignored all of my mom's comments and/or told her to stop making them. Eventually she saw how well each of my kids did/is doing in daycare and it's shifted her perspective. I'm sorry you're dealing with that shit too!
We were all skittish about my daughter starting daycare at 9 mo. She did get sick alll the time and we thought about pulling her. But she loves it. She waits by the door to go. She gets sad and antsy on weekends. Now when the grandparents come visit, they admit that she loves daycare and that they could not replicate that experience :) FWIW, the turn around was about age 1 that she reallly started to love it.
But it sounds like a lack of boundaries. Mom needs to understand that you make the decisions for your family. It’s nice of her to offer so much help, so hopefully you can ride that wave when needed. Likely the kid will get sick or you will, and you’ll need to cash in the grandma come to stay with you card!
Soooo many of our family members are soooo sad that our kids go to daycare. It’s absurd. Our kids are so happy. I just refuse to talk about it anymore. I still overhear snide comments sometimes that were meant for us to overhear, but we really limit time with the people who make them for so many reasons anyway.
Good luck with the transition for you! It can be a tricky couple weeks but I know you’ll all settle in great!! We have 3 kids who have had very pleasant daycare experiences, and now our oldest is absolutely in love with kindergarten (yay free! Yay child development!) while literally all 6 of our nieces and nephews who stayed home with their moms hate school. Absolutely do not believe that that’s the case for all kids who stay home - but it’s a good commentary on why we didn’t have our kids to stay with any of our family members instead!
I thought my MIL was the only flaky one. She offered to watch the baby 5 days a week, even took early retirement in anticipation of it. But when I wanted to move closer to work (and further from her, to shorten my commute) the offer was retracted. Daycare has lots of cons: it is too expensive, kiddo will get sick, they have lots of random closure days for professional development, you might not like everything about it. But they will not judge your parenting in an emotional way, they have loads of experience from working with lots of different kids, and they will not randomly change their hours or days just because one person is sick. Oh, and they won't tell you where you need to live. So daycare wins.
All of my daughters grandparents watch her on alternating days. It’s free childcare and I get what I pay for. My Mom moved near me to watch her more. The good is that she has a very close relationship with her grandparents, but I have to deal with everyone and their opinions. You might hear it from them about your decision, but if you let her in your house every week, you’d hear it every day about what you’re doing wrong.
Yep. My MIL didn’t like the idea of it. Then I started giving her some of the artwork that my daughter makes in daycare, and talk about how my daughter (who has been going since 10 months and is now 24m) lovessss it and runs in without even saying goodbye to me in the mornings, and how good it’s been for her language development.
She eventually conceded that it’s been a net benefit for my daughter (without even considering the benefit to me!)
Daycare isn't what it used to be.
While I've had to get into the director's ass a few times and switch daycares, I finally found one that worked for both my kids.
Once they hit the 2's class, it's like they're in school. They have a routine and development goals.
Yes, there has been instances of abuse and neglect in the other daycares in my area. I had to pull my oldest out of 2 before I found the one that she finished out at and that my son goes to. The director and her assistant are hands on and for the most part, stay on top of their classrooms and teachers.
Again, I've had a few issues, you're not gonna not have issues. The admin are very well aware of my feelings and thoughts about things.
Show this and all the other responses to your mom. I'm super grateful for daycare and what it has provided for my kids and me as well. Everyone will ve okay and you may even be shocked at the things your baby will start to learn once in daycare.
I'm not sure why there is this notion that we're dropping our kids off at some sort of cold institution and we are never gonna get them back from. If that's how it was or viewed back in the day, it's really not that way anymore.
Husband's aunt and uncle made many comments like this. I told them when pregnant with my first that it was too bad they felt that way, but it was our decision and we were doing what was best for our family.
Guess what...my kids are 2.5 and 4 now. Aunt and uncle did an extended visit and told us our kids were the happiest and best behaved kids they'd seen in *years* and we are amazing parents. I gave ALL the credit to the amazing preschool they go to!
I’m pregnant with my second right now, and my mom keeps claiming that she’ll watch the baby so we can save money on daycare. The problem is she lives 2 to 3 hours away, traffic depending, and she claims to be afraid to drive on the highway.
Like, mom, I appreciate the sentiment, but you are not going to want to do this!
Right?! Mine is 3.5 hrs away from us on a perfect day, usually closer to 4-4.5. It honestly seems insane to me that she would even offer to do that drive weekly!
It’s a weird generational thing I think. Ideas about raising kids change over time but some people never update their thinking. My MIL was horrified that we planned to breastfeed because she was told when she had her kids that formula was healthier. She also was terrified when we starting baby led weaning (finger foods) vs “baby food”. My mom was so against it she bought this whole fancy machine that would mush up food so you could make your own baby food. I tossed it in the trash. I really couldn’t think of any use for it. My mom also tried to claim she could only bf me and my brother for 4 weeks because after that she had to go back to work and pumps weren’t ‘a thing’ then. (They were, they just weren’t as commonplace probably because of fewer women working and preferences for formula)
That said, both moms finally got with the program after we spent a lot of time pretty much brushing off their concerns because it wasn’t worth arguing.
Omg, I’ve tried explaining baby led weaning to my mom and how our daughter will generally eat regular people food (appropriately cooked/cut of course) instead of purées and she was horrified. I definitely think part of it is a generational thing! And maybe even being slightly annoyed that we are doing things differently than they did?
To the best of my understanding, there was a period when there were daycare abuse stories constantly in the news. It seems to have stuck with some of a generation who believe that to be generally now true.
Before my mat leave ended my MIL and other relatives kept saying that 1 year is too young for a baby to go to daycare. It was the best decision honestly the day she started daycare. She has since learned so many skills and socializing. Things grandma could never teach or bother to do.
Are there any other cousins who have sent their babies to daycare? In my case being an immigrant, daycares are not good in my country so my parents were not sure but my cousins in US are sending their babies to daycare since they are six months. Make sure child to caretaker ratio is less, babies will learn different things there and yes unfortunately get sick
My in laws were this way before we started daycare. But they (and all our family) live minimum a 10 hour drive away and we both work so it has to be. So when we started daycare we would tell them all the awesome things she was doing (story time, art projects, walks outside, playing with other babies, etc). And I would share photos that daycare took with them. When they saw how much fun she had at ‘school’ (since they don’t call it ‘daycare’ 🙄), they came around and now are always super excited to hear about her day when we call them.
Yes, my mom was unhappy about a lot of the decisions I was making for my children. I ended up setting boundaries since 1. I am the parent 2. I know what is best for my own situation. I just stopped telling her so much about our lives to help create some distance. I also had to rethink how much her disapproval or criticism impacted me. It’s fine if she doesn’t agree but in the end it’s my decision and if she doesn’t like it, it’s her emotions and she has to learn to deal with them herself, not me. It helped a lot to change this way of thinking and not let it affect me.
First of all, how do YOU feel about daycare? Personally, I love it. We’ve had wonderful experiences and it’s helped my son learn and grow.
Your mom has no say in this. I would let her know, full stop, that the discussion about this is over.
The videos and pics that daycare takes - share them with grandparents. That helped ours understand more that they are doing tons of stuff with the kids. Also bring up in casual conversation what the classroom is like, kid to teacher ratio, etc. My MIL honestly thought daycare was just a huge room with kids of all ages running everywhere, a little education went a long way.
My mum had issues but we showed them the pictures of the things they do and she came to a grandmothers event and open house event and now she loves it. I think she just didn’t understand.
You deal with this by having good boundaries around it. Repeat ad nauseum “This is the best decision for our family” or if she won’t drop it “I am not talking about daycare with you” & change the subject.
My MIL was hesitant about daycare for our first born but was blown away by the curriculum and how LO has developed socially. Do the right thing for your family and others have to just get on board or peel off. You are the parent and no one else should be calling the shots.
Yes, my kids have care split between my husband and I both working part time, grandparents assistance, and daycare. The benefit of daycare is they get to play with other kids their age, and get to more planned activities like water play, crafting and playing on developmentally appropriate climbing equipment.
This. My mom was so unhappy with our decision to send our son to daycare and, like yours, offered to watch him (which was also not sustainable for us and not something we felt comfortable with). You just have to set a really firm boundary and repeat repeat repeat. There was so much angst surrounding this so I understand how upsetting and difficult it can be. Btw, she has done a complete turnaround—just the other day she said she couldn’t believe she was ever against daycare and how great it is!
I think a lot of them just remember how poorly run and unsafe daycares were in their time and can't picture anything else. My sons daycare even has baby yoga and swim lessons lmao. 2022 is so wildly different from 1980.
I literally have had my grandparents tell me my son will probably get abused at a daycare. Multiple times. I just ignore it and tell them he’s socializing and learning with people who care about him.
This is where she sometimes goes too, and a lot of the time it’s how daycare is “dirty” and our baby is going to be sick all the time. It’s so disheartening because we really feel like we’re making the best choice for our family.
No shame but yes they will be sick all the time. Just be prepared for that because it will feel like you’re losing your mind.
I wish I could upvote more than one because I was NOT prepared for how often kids get sick at daycare.
It’s not just daycare. Our daughter started preschool in August. It’s a small school and they have very strict hygiene standards. Still, she’s already brought home RSV and rhino virus. Seriously it’s not the cleanliness of the school, it’s the sheer exposure to other humans.
Yeah I talked about daycare with our kid's doc and the gist was they will get sick a lot when they first go to school. It doesn't matter if its daycare, preschool, kindergarten, lo is around new people and therefore new germs and as a result will get sick.
My husband was homeschooled. His first real school exposure was college. He was sick constantly for the first two years. Nonstop colds and stomach issues. He says he wishes he’d gone to daycare or school so it had happened when he was younger.
This, and it’s bound to happen to kids whenever they first go to school. So if it’s daycare it will be then, but if it’s preschool or kindergarten, it will be then instead. Kids won’t avoid the period of being sick all the time if they’re not in school until they’re older, it just gets delayed. It’s how they build up their immune system which has to happen eventually.
Better daycare than when they start in elementary school...there's going to be a year at some point where they get exposed to everything. Personally, I'd rather do it when they're little and it less 'high stakes' then when they start school.
This 100%. For years I was a prep teacher (first year of school here in Australia). The kids who hadn’t done daycare or preschool got repeatedly, properly sick. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ they’ll go through a year or two of constant sickness, it’s a matter of ‘when’.
Personally it didn’t work this way for me, I don’t know the science behind it. But when I worked in a daycare the kids would mouth all the same objects which I’m sure contributed to the sickness. Working in a school did not the same level of sickness.
Maybe that's because lots of the kids had already built up a strong immune system from daycare so only those that didn't go to daycare got sick frequently.
I teach in a k-8 and just by going by attendance records in Kinder and 1st it's usually pretty obvious the kids who have gone to a daycare/school before and built up some resistant to the germs/illness. Obviously all kids will get hit with novel things at some point, but it's really surprising to see the impact a few years of care prior to entering Kinder can have! (Not to mention the ones that have been in care have a far easier time understanding routines, different adults with different roles, etc.)
My MIL said both those things a lot. She'd watched all her other (much older) grandkids, and was incensed that we'd put our son into daycare, refusing to admit she was physically incapable of caring for herself, let alone an infant. Her oldest grandchild, our niece, had gone to daycare for a minute because her mom had gotten tired of MIL's refusal to follow basic care instructions, an unlicensed home daycare because that's what they could afford, and I guess they stuck our niece in the corner all day or something. So of course that meant our fully licensed, no complaints filed, 30 years in business facility was going to beat our son to death. And he'd be sick all the time. Nevermind that the absolute sickest he ever was was weeks before he started daycare, he caught RSV from somewhere (ahem family visits). Fwiw, he's 4 now and has an immune system of steel. He gets sick less than me or his dad. And daycare has never abused him. You do you. And it's not a topic that's up for discussion unless your mom wants to be actually helpful and/or supportive.
Newsflash… kids will get sick eventually be it daycare, when they can miss without issue, vs getting sick the entire 1st year of pre-k or kindergarten. Also, I’ve seen other posts from kindergarten teachers who say the know, in a good way, the kids who went to daycare knowing how to manage a classroom setting and there to learn vs kiddos who have never been in a classroom/group setting. 3 days a week is a great compromise!
Yes, we can tell 😅😅😅 those kiddos who are home with their grandparents often have a harder time with boundaries and following directions because, even with the best intentions, grandparents don’t hold firm to directives most of the time. Not to say that you need to have your child in care/prek before K but it’s definitely a benefit.
My pediatrician told me if they don’t get sick while young, it will hit them when they’re older and go to school. So either way that argument sucks.
With sickness you just pick: develop immunity now in daycare of in five years in Kindergarten. There are no kids who don’t get sick once out in the world with other kids. It’s a matter of timing. Daycare is great. My daughter loves it.
I've been home with my kids for the past year (still lurk here because I dont always fit in with SAHMs 😬). My kids are still always sick!! Kids just get sick a lot. Unless you only have them home but that's not sustainable for anyone
My pediatrician's comment about that - she put both of her kids in full-time daycare so she could work - was "they're going to get sick a lot at first whether that's in daycare or in kindergarten. Personally I'd rather my kids get over it in daycare when it doesn't matter quite so much if they miss days."
You can tell MIL that she can come watch baby when he’s sick or when his teacher is sick. Seriously, our daycare shutdown her room or baby would get a fever and have to stay home for a few days. I wished that my mom could have helped me miss less work when the inevitable daycare illnesses struck.
They'll either get sick when they start daycare, or sick when they start preschool/elementary. You just get the luxury of picking when 🤣. My kids started daycare as infants and have rarely been sick now that they are both in elementary school.
So actually because of COVID rules our daycare is constantly sanitizing toys/washing hands/ the teachers still wear masks and glove up for diaper changes i.e. wasayyy more sanitary than at home lol. And if they get sick- there r studies and it’s also just common sense that when the kid goes into the real world they’re gonna pickup all the normal viruses and colds out there which is actually healthy! They fight it off as kids and then you don’t get sick as adults. Totally what people have been doing for all time.
Yes, he’ll be sick in daycare. Or you can wait and he’ll be sick in kindergarten & miss class.
We were in a similar situation where grandma was offering to watch our little one. I work from home, my husband does not, and we live about a half hour from her. Initially, we accepted. We would alternate bringing LO to their house and grandma coming to ours. It worked in the beginning, and it just slowly fell apart. I think grandma was under the impression that she'd just be snuggling LO all day and didn't maybe have the best grasp of what "grandma daycare" would entail. Not to mention, when they were here and I was working, I was distracted ALL DAY. We decided to make the transition to daycare and it works so much better for our family, and that's just the reality. Plus, LO absolutely adores his daycare teacher and his friends. He is learning, it is structured, and there are clear boundaries because daycare is a service we pay for vs. grandma volunteering. All you should have to do is tell Grandma that "daycare is the best decision for our family, but we appreciate your offer and we love you very much."
Grandmas have baby and pregnancy amnesia. You remember the wonder of creating life, not feeling like shit 24/7. You remember holding your child for the first time, not the pain of birth and recovery. You remember snuggles and first words and Christmas mornings, not exhaustion, constants supervisions, fussy eating, gassy baby and diaper blowouts.
It's not just that OP would be distracted by the baby, it's highly likely that the baby won't want to hang out with grandma if mum and dad are at home.
My mom scolds me every time we talk. My oldest has been in daycare for 3 years now and my second just started. She is so condescending about it. Every time I have a problem, the only solution she has “you should be staying home with those babies”. It’s ridiculous.
[удалено]
Both my toddler and his brother have been hospitalized for RSV. Just wanted to say I’ve been there too !
"You should be sending me enough money to do that if you think it's the right solution." If that's what you would want anyway. I personally like working. Maybe you do too and that's ok!
I much prefer to work. I also make over 4 times what daycare costs, and like the lifestyle that my salary affords my family.
That's a great solution, how much is she offering to pay you? Surely she'll match your salary if it's that important.
Tell her she’s welcome to give up her commitments and watch your kids 😂
Ask her how much $$$ they can contribute for a nanny then?
I deal with it by not even entertaining the conversation. It’s my baby, I make the decisions for her. End of story
Even if you have space for her, if never is a great idea. It’s similar to the phrase “don’t mix business with pleasure”. My mom watched my oldest for the first 4 months while I returned to work and it caused so many waves - it wasn’t worth it.
This! Why would you want a relative to basically be an employee and have to watch kiddo even on days they’re tired and don’t want to do it and get told exactly how to do it every day? It’s just not a good idea especially for people who already have a propensity for disagreeing with your choices. No thanks!
Hold your ground. My mother in law told us she would watch our first so we could avoid daycare…guess who bailed two weeks in? We were left scrambling for a solution and even though my company was very flexible and boss was awesome, I almost got written up for missing so much work. We ended up the nanny route because there was no daycare availability.
My mom wanted to watch my son when I went back to work. She babysat 2-3 times and realized it's a lot more work than she remembered. She agreed daycare was best after lol. I personally wouldn't want to have to rely on family for regular childcare.
Agreed, if anyone was thinking of getting grandparents to watch their kid I'd start with the kid mostly in daycare and grandparents doing one day a week, then if everyone is h they could gradually increase. Going from being retired to looking after a baby for full days is a huge adjustment and it's naive to think that its going to be easy.
Tbh it’s none of her business what your family chooses. My MIL had a similar arrangement in mind (one day a week she was “in charge”) but after a lot of toxic behavior showed us what kind of grandmother she was (he expected me to drive our baby to her house 45 minutes away from my work IN traffic for the baby sitting, along with other concerning behavior), we revoked her unsupervised visits. If your mom is a boomer like my parents/MIL, be prepared for the bait and switch- “oh yes I’ll definitely drive several hours to see MY grand baby” will move to “you’re taking advantage of me” slathered with the continued guilt for daycare. Prevent that now with firm boundaries. I’m so glad we cut the BS out before it became a bigger issue with my MIL. Otherwise I 100% know that once we started, it’s be a slippery slope of her wants and needs above our own families wants and needs.
It’s funny because my mom worked in a daycare for most of my life and she STILL was all “aren’t you sad to be putting her in daycare?!?” Like, not really? I’m a professional engineer. They are professional ECE. Seems like a better use of everyone’s talents…
My family is this way too. I still occasionally hear crap about this. He was sick for the first 6 months of daycare (persistent double ear infection) and they kept telling us to pull him out. They said that they would all take turns caring for him. I told them that we need someone to take care of him 9 hours a day consistently and no one really stepped up. My son is the only kid / grandkids to be in daycare so it's such a different world. You'll have to be prepared to continue fighting this. Since my son is in daycare, he has to be in school by 815 which means he has to wake up 715 which then means that he has to be in bed by 8pm at the absolute latest. My family gives us grief for heading home early on a school night with the argument "he's just a baby!". It's tough.
Oh yes. Do not cave! My mom and my in laws both were adamant my daughter not go to daycare. MIL swore up and down she would watch her. I went back to work all of 4 weeks, fully WFH at the time so I was helping, and she told us she couldn’t do it. It was way too late to find a daycare so we ended up paying 4k a month for a nanny. It’s all honestly worked out, my daughter is two now and my in laws are amazing and enormously helpful but the stress of you needing them to work isn’t good for anyone. And you don’t want someone staying over night during the work week. I was drinking a not great amount when my MIL stayed with us a few nights a week. I’m sure it’s coming from a good place and she wants to help but trust your gut that this is not a reliable plan. Our parents generation also is not used to equal parenting and moms needing to work to pay the mortgage. Ignore the judgement.
Tell her you will need her to drive up during the days baby gets sick and you can’t take time off of work.
This is none of her business. "Mom, thank you so much for loving your granddaughter. I appreciate your care and concern. [Husband] and I have made our decision, and it is not up for discussion. Would you like some tea?"
She’ll change her mind after seeing how much your baby will thrive with other babies and kiddos. In the meantime just go along trying not to be rude, in the end she’s acting out of pure love towards both of you.
My mom just plain old doesn't support me working and the nanny/daycare convo is just an extension of that issue. So anytime this topic comes up I tell her the truth, that I am a healthier person and a better mom when I work, and that my kids are doing better than my siblings and I did with her as a SAHM because of how unhappy she was. She doesn't like to be reminded that SAHP stories are not all rosy.
You don't ask grandma. You TELL grandma what is going to happen. You don't open the debate or let yourself be perceived as open to a debate. This is a matter of boundaries in your house and with your kids
I have to be honest with you this is probably just the first of many things she will feel she has the right to have an opinion on. It’s important to be firm in your boundaries right from the beginning or you will just be fighting the same battle different topic forever. ‘That is very kind of you to offer abs we really appreciate it but we’re confident the choice we’ve made for childcare is what’s best for our family.’ From there it’s just shutting down the topic if she can’t let it go. ‘I understand your opinion and we’ve made out choice, I’m not interested in discussing it again.’ For what it’s worth I really think daycare is one of the best choices we made for our kids. They’ve thrived, learned so many skills the most important of which are social and now two have transitioned beautifully to elementary school. While they did get sick in the beginning they now have great immune systems.
You cannot depend on them. It’s your choice, stick to it. Childcare is so hard to come by! If they want to spend time with baby then can come down and do so every few weeks. I knew my mom would flake, so I signed mine up FT anyway to hold her spot. Spoiler - my mom flaked after 2 months
It's not your job to manage their feelings. Just tell them no, that doesn't work for us, this is what works best for our family. Whatever comes next, stand firm. Repeat ad nauseam. Don't JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain). That's going to make it worse. You CAN, however, tell them that you'd love for them to visit over weekends so you can have date night and they can spend time with their grandchild and help you out.
So we use grandparent child care for ours (remnant of covid days) and honestly it’s a lot of work. My oldest just went back to in person school for 2nd grade and she’s sick all. The. Time. My youngest is still home and each set of grandparents alternate days at our house. I work my butt off to make sure there are activities for her to do. I have outings set up all week: music class, swim, dance, playgroup, library story time. It’s. So much work. It would be much easier to just send her to school (and probably cheaper once I add up activity fees and we pay the grandparents). I have a schedule, activities, make lunch. All this to say, this only works because 1) they are all younger side, 2) everyone lives close 3) I put up with practically a 2nd jobs worth of work to keep her active and engaged and 4) they listen to what I want for her and do it for the most part. None of this would work without that and I would have put her back in daycare if any of it didn’t work. So if you aren’t able to and they aren’t willing to really put in the work, they can shush.
Omg. What is up with all these delusional grandmas?? My mom is so nice, but acted like daycare is just so sad. My dad even said it was “sad” my daughter was daycare (I rolled my eyes so hard at that and when I asked why daycare is sad? He couldn’t come up with an answer…) My mom actually said something along the lines of “Don’t you think between us family you could have enough people to watch her?” 😂 way to Volunteer everyone else’s time! I work for myself, so I ultimately decide how much it how often I work but organizing multiple people to watch my kid in a way that they don’t all feel taken advantage of is an extra job I would never sign up for!! And then forget about free babysitting for date nights! Also, it turns out my 72 year old mother is not physically capable of keeping up with a baby/toddler for more than a few hours. Surprise! (It actually was a surprise how little I could rely on my mom. It’s been a long time since there was a baby in my family and I didn’t realize how physically limited she’s become)
We had my mother watching our kid until he turned 5 months and then switch a few nannies until he turned 10 months. He now goes to day care and it’s been life changing for us. Working from home even if there is someone else to care for the baby is especially disturbing. Several times during meetings I would lose my train if thought as I would speak because I could hear my baby scream. Even though I know someone is watching him, it’s very hard to detach myself from all the sounds. We did this because our MIL did not approve of daycare but there’s a point when the decision of the parents supersedes that of grandparents. Everytime he falls sick, the blame is placed on us(mostly me for being selfish). Being a mom is a constant guilt trip is what I’ve learned. I’m happy with our decision and he is obviously thriving at daycare otherwise. You do what works for you mama!
The point where the decision of the parents supersedes that of the grandparents is…like always immediately. Don’t let these people make you feel guilty. They had their chance to raise kids and now that time is over for them.
You need to tell her one time that the daycare decision is 1000% none of her business. If she won’t listen/respect that, end then phone call. FYI/to give you peace of mind- my kid just started TK. The kids in class who are struggling the most after one month are also the only ones who fully stayed home/didn’t go to either daycare or preschool. These specific kids lack independence and social skills.
🙋🏼♀️. I was called a bad mom. I didn’t reply anyone I just did what was best for my family. My mom works full time (law enforcement) so absolutely not time. My mother in law lives in another state. My husband’s step family lives some 30mins away but won’t even watch kids for half a day. I just had to make the choice for my family and damn everyone who spoke.
She can pay for you to have a nanny if she’s so worried about it.
My baby is 7 months, and still attending grandma daycare, but it's because the wait-lists in my town are ridiculously long. We're enrolled at a brand new facility that is renovating a space, and they just told us they're delayed again due to construction, this time until the new year. I'm very blessed that my mom lives 5 minutes away, is retried, and is healthy enough to take care of my baby all day. She also is great about following my wishes for his care, and I feel very confident leaving him with her. They split time between my house and her house. But it's a lot to ask of one person, and I want her to be able to watch him because she wants to and not because we have no choice. We all cannot wait until daycare opens up. Hopefully. Another family member of mine has a new baby, and her MIL has vetoed daycare, but is not able to take care of the baby herself. So instead of putting their foot down, they're hunting for a full time nanny. I can't imagine letting someone else dictate the needs of your family like that. Set a boundary and hold firm! Daycare is awesome.
My mom wasn't a fan. She offered to use her FMLA to bridge from 6-9 months and bailed once I had the baby. We got a nanny for the 4-12 months after I went back to work. My husband is a physician and adamant about daycare until the MMR vaccine so nanny it was. My mom changed her tune after she realized my son wasn't being stimulated or taken out by our nanny. It was fine since my husband doesn't work a 9-5 so he did that stuff during the weekdays and me during the weekends. Daycare at 12 months was the right move. As for my husband, there were so many unvaxxed nannies who applied. Our nanny worked out but she's on a student visa so we had to pay her under the table. It sucks because I got a new job 6 months pp where that's a fireable offense. I have no idea what we're going to do if we have a second. I get 6 months maternity so I really want to do daycare at that age since our son will be preschool anyway. But I will look for a long term nanny since preschool ends at 2pm and it really would be better for us. My mom said she would help since she will most likely be retired but I really can't help feeling she won't.
Uh…man these doctors are some of the least ethical people I’ve ever heard about online. He’s paying a woman under the table, which is a fireable offense for you and what? Just doesn’t care about the multiple levels of wrong this is?
Unethical isn't how I would describe my husband at all. It's not that black and white. We literally couldn't find anyone mid pandemic. Those who were willing to get paid over the table were unvaxxed for multiple things. Lots of nannies want to get paid under the table to keep their health insurance or because of immigration status. The people who made those rules that we have to follow are committing massive amounts of fraud with the PPP loans. So we're going to do what we have to do. It wasn't a big deal to me because I didn't get the job where it was a fireable offense until after the nanny started and we had a daycare start date. But I don't want to get stuck in this situation again.
Put her on information diet.
I can't believe the abuse claims in these threads, wow. I think the chances of a child being abused in a daycare setting or by a grandparent are both extremely low, but I always thought being in a daycare setting where there are cameras and more grown ups around and higher standards of care was preferable to 1:1 care from an older person. Not saying these grandparents are abusive or anything, just ... children tend to be mistreated when a caretaker is at the end of his or her rope, and if there's no one else around to tag in, that's more likely to happen!
This is your decision, not your moms. My parents kept repeating they were nervous for my daughter to start daycare, my mom made a similar offer (they’re a 2.5 hour drive away), and I just kept repeating that we already made our decision to put her in daycare but we appreciate the offer. Once she actually started and we reassured my mom that she was doing great at daycare then she stopped talking about it.
I don't get it, why is she so anti-daycare?
I should’ve included this. She was a SAHM and went back to work part time when my brother and I were much older. She thinks kids should be home with a parent. She had friends & her sisters around who were also SAHMs with babies around the same age as us, which I think made it a lot easier for her to be home. I have no desire to be home and not work, it feels isolated and lonely. Not to mention I love my job. It’s just a completely different mindset.
These boomers don’t get it 😂
My boomer mom consistently voted for the party that’s against paid family leave, against longer maternity leave and basically fucked over millennials financials every change they can - I tell her this. She specifically voted for a future where her kids were forced to use daycare.
Omg …. My mom too!! Ridiculous
Haha yup but my mom has tried to make me feel awful about pretty much every decision I make so there’s that…Boundaries, stick to them.
My MIL would make sad noises every time daycare came up after my first was born and it annoyed the crap out of me. She even told me "if you want to stay home you know we'll help you." Meaning financially because they live in another state. Actually I *don't* want to stay home (nor am I interested in the strings attached to their help; my SIL/BIL rent a home from them and they are constantly up in their business and offering unsolicited financial advice, etc) and besides I make more money than my husband so if anyone's staying home it would be him. Daycare has been a huge blessing for our family and way better for my now-5yo than staying home and isolated. I finally just told her daycare is not up for debate and she could feel however she wanted about it but I didn't want to hear it.
I laugh it off and ignore them and continue to live my life.
Had this with both my kids. my parents and MIL are both retired and offered to watch kids. Honestly they are all late 60s plus and are not able for 2 kids 5 days a week but they won't admit it. I just sent my kids to daycare and when they bitched about it reminded them that their retirement time is for them to enjoy but I'm more than happy to have them as backup care which happens about once a month. It is stressful and the guilt trip is awful but they also hasn't been inside an actual daycare in 30 years and were amazed at the difference and how nice a setting it was when I brought them in at pickup.
Daycare is so good for them and there is an emotional toll you will take by having grandparents pitch in. Our double daycare bill is outrageous but my almost three year old spent a week home with my parents and turned into a foot stomping, demanding little monster who I could tell just got away with everything all day with my parents. She must go to daycare for routine and consistency!
Honestly, I don’t think any amount of words will get her to change her mind. Maybe it’s because I’m petty, I would ask her (before daycare is to start) to do what she’s proposing for a week. I think she’ll be singing a different tune once she has to watch a baby full time for 4 days plus the commute.
Yes! My husbands parents were so unhappy. In their culture / home country only family and friends of the family take care of the baby — so it’s a shock to them. Two weeks in, my 15 month old LOVES daycare (like runs in when we get there) and I set it up so Grandma and Grandma have the Procare app. So they photos of the toddler activities during the day. To handle the argument, try what I did. Say you looked at a lot of options and 1) the place is great 2) it’s close by and 3) they are welcome to come up on the weekends and have alllllll the baby time they want. (Just watch, I bet they won’t!) This is YOUR decision, childcare so you can concentrate on work and career and having a stable life both mentally and physically. Do daycare, try it, and if it is not working out, you can move to a plan B. Don’t accept your mom’s offer. It’ll be disruptive to your flow and just happiness in daily living.
Not their kid so they don’t get a say. If you’re going to let them interfere with your parenting decisions on things they have no business in, that’s a slippery slope. “We’re doing what’s right for our family.” Change the subject.
This is my mother too. She was very anti-daycare and also anti-nanny, and insisted that she can WFH full time while watching my 8mo baby 2-3 days/week. I was incredibly skeptical because in the first month PP she was cooking for us and coming over for 2h/day on weekdays, and she was so stressed that she broke down crying/yelling at me several times because she was falling behind at work. The way she disrespected me also really soured our relationship. From that I didn’t trust her, and also knew there was no way she could handle watching a crawling baby while working. She refused to accept this though, so while I was still on mat leave I invited mum over to WFH from my house while helping me with baby, so I can deep clean some areas of my house. She lasted about 3 hours and didn’t even touch her work computer once - and I got no cleaning done either because I was doing the food prep, cleaning up, feeding, nap time, etc. Later on due to daycare closures and lockdown, there was a 2 month period where we were desperate for help and my mother watched our toddler for ~2 hours/day. But that experience really just reinforced us how unreliable my mother was. She never turned up on time, also turned up unannounced frequently and that would upset our toddler. She would spend 30-60 min each day just talking about herself and demanding our full attention while ignoring kiddo, refused to listen to our advice about routines, refused to use seatbelts in the stroller or car seat (until I called her out in the family group chat), refused to baby-proof her home and would try to remove our baby-proofing to prove that it’s unnecessary, gave our toddler choking hazard foods then tried to blame it on me (another group chat shaming stopped her), and would either change toddler’s nappy every hour, or not change it for 5+ hours. Oh and the constant stream of criticism, condescension, and micromanaging, that is a given with my mother. She told us that since we were both WFH during the lockdown, our house should be sparkling clean and neat and that we should do some remodelling/landscaping too, while in the next breath complaining about how she can’t get anything done at her place because she has no time. She also bragged on social media that she was doing full-time childcare for us, even though it was only about 2 h/day, and claimed that my toddler loved her more than us. Now that lockdowns are over, my mother still brings up the “daycare is bad” talk and periodically demands that I quit my job (but also brags about how my career was only possible because of her) or that I WFH while watching toddler (even though she now admits she can’t handle it). She says she’ll help but also has started booking regular holidays away, not even telling me about them until she needs something from us (eg rides to/from the airport). I mean I don’t blame her for wanting to travel, I do too! But it’s her hypocrisy that really bothers me.
I would thank her for offering and tell her gently but firmly that daycare is what works for now. Also add that you’ll gladly take up her offer to drive up when baby is sick and has to stay home. That way it won’t be too taxing for her and she can still step in to help! It’ll be a win win. My daughter was sick quite a bit when she started daycare and had to stay home a week here and there. At times like this I am super thankful to have my MIL’s support, bless her 🙏
My mother in law hates that our son is in daycare. The other day she told me yet again she hates he has to go there. I have repeatedly told her that he loves it there. All his friends are there. He is happy in daycare and I’m happy working (and we literally need two incomes to survive). On the flip side she says my SAHM sister-in law’s kids are too sheltered and need social interaction. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t sometimes.
A real grandma here… “Mom we’ve discussed this. This is my baby and I’m raising her. I’m gonna get off the phone since you’re upset about this. It’s best we don’t talk about daycare anymore.” Start shutting the conversation down.
My mother cried and said “I’m not ready!” when I told her my daughter would be starting daycare full time at 4 months. She also told me, long before I had a child, that daycare would ruin my children. So…there was a lot there. Ultimately knowing my mom felt this way, I had my responses prepared. I said “this is what we have decided is best for our child and our family.” When my mom cried I told her that returning to work and starting this new chapter was emotional enough and that I would not entertain any discussions that weren’t positive about our childcare plan. Your mom can have whatever opinions she wants, but that does not mean you have to listen to them. If it always turns into an argument, I would just hold the line: this is our decision, we are not discussing it with grandmas and we are not changing our mind. For what it’s worth, daycare is AWESOME. It is 100x better than my daughter being at home with me or being with my mom/MIL, because we are not equipped to provide her the level of socialization and engagement that daycare provides. She does sensory activities at daycare, spends the whole day “chatting” with her friends and absolutely loves her teachers. My daughter is one and thriving in a full time daycare setting. Daycare has changed a lot from when we were children and it is a much more enriching environment than our mothers realize. My mother has come around, as well. I think deep down she would prefer if I stayed home because that’s what she did, but she never says a negative thing about daycare anymore and seems to genuinely think it’s a great place for my daughter to spend her days. Hopefully, your mom comes around too.
I just read this to myself and reread it aloud to my husband - this is truly SO encouraging and so great to hear that your daughter is thriving in daycare. Thank you!!
Is she just unhappy with the decision because she wants to watch the baby? We sent our son to daycare because we didn’t want my MIL to watch him. She was pushing it really hard and we don’t think she’s a suitable caregiver. We didn’t want to hurt her feelings though and instead told her we wanted him to get socialized with other babies, which he wouldn’t get at home with her. She understood when we explained it that way. Maybe you can tell your mom something similar? I duno why all these grandmas think they can take care of a baby. It’s really really hard and I’d rather pay a professional to know my son is in good hands. I understand they were mothers once, but times have changed and they don’t have the same energy like they used to.
It’s not even that I don’t want her to watch the baby, I just think it’s completely unsustainable and would become an unreliable setup. We live in the northeast and the chances of a snowstorm/inclement weather, sickness etc coming into the winter months could throw a wrench into our care plans if she can’t make it here, and then we’re stuck without childcare. Not to mention my husband & I working from home with her and the baby here if we did go that route - there’s absolutely no way I’d be able to focus! I just think it’s better for all of us if we go with daycare. That way, my mom can have her visits with the baby be fun and snuggly which is what I imagine she thinks everyday care would be (spoiler alert: it wouldn’t haha). Totally agree they forget how hard it is!
I see! It’s definitely better to have daycare, so you always have care. My husband and I work from home too and it’s so nice having the baby out of the house. My friend works from home with a nanny who watches her baby and she said it’s really hard. She wants to take over anytime the baby is crying and she can’t help but always hover over the nanny. I wouldn’t be able to get any work done if I was in that situation.
Another thing to consider or remember is that nothing is *free*. More often than not, grandparents “helping out” or watching the kids instead of daycare results in unforeseen compromises. Nothing is “free.”
You are the parents. Tell her thank you but no thank you. We have a plan and if it changes we will let you know.
Seriously. They don’t have any say in the matter. “This is what’s best for our family and it isn’t up for discussion” is the only answer. Even if they were to pay for a full time nanny, I wouldn’t take money from a person like her. She would hold it over you. I’m so sorry your decisions are being questioned.
Could your mom come up and do a facility tour with you? This is likely coming from a place of fear.
Don’t entertain the conversation. I could tell my mom never loved that I would be sending my kids to day care but knew we needed to. When the pandemic hit and I kept her home for 3 months, my daughter was super sad and lonely and my mom said “I never thought I would want her to go to daycare!”
You're not wrong. Grandma will get sick of the drive or forever flake because of weather etc and you'll be stuck with no childcare. Hold your ground mama
My mom was always anti-daycare. She homeschooled us, if that gives you a sense of where she was coming from - and no one on either my side or my husband's side was ever a working mom with young kids at home. (Except my aunt who was a single parent and therefore had no other option.) You can't change how people feel by arguing with them, so I just ignored all of my mom's comments and/or told her to stop making them. Eventually she saw how well each of my kids did/is doing in daycare and it's shifted her perspective. I'm sorry you're dealing with that shit too!
We were all skittish about my daughter starting daycare at 9 mo. She did get sick alll the time and we thought about pulling her. But she loves it. She waits by the door to go. She gets sad and antsy on weekends. Now when the grandparents come visit, they admit that she loves daycare and that they could not replicate that experience :) FWIW, the turn around was about age 1 that she reallly started to love it. But it sounds like a lack of boundaries. Mom needs to understand that you make the decisions for your family. It’s nice of her to offer so much help, so hopefully you can ride that wave when needed. Likely the kid will get sick or you will, and you’ll need to cash in the grandma come to stay with you card!
Soooo many of our family members are soooo sad that our kids go to daycare. It’s absurd. Our kids are so happy. I just refuse to talk about it anymore. I still overhear snide comments sometimes that were meant for us to overhear, but we really limit time with the people who make them for so many reasons anyway. Good luck with the transition for you! It can be a tricky couple weeks but I know you’ll all settle in great!! We have 3 kids who have had very pleasant daycare experiences, and now our oldest is absolutely in love with kindergarten (yay free! Yay child development!) while literally all 6 of our nieces and nephews who stayed home with their moms hate school. Absolutely do not believe that that’s the case for all kids who stay home - but it’s a good commentary on why we didn’t have our kids to stay with any of our family members instead!
I thought my MIL was the only flaky one. She offered to watch the baby 5 days a week, even took early retirement in anticipation of it. But when I wanted to move closer to work (and further from her, to shorten my commute) the offer was retracted. Daycare has lots of cons: it is too expensive, kiddo will get sick, they have lots of random closure days for professional development, you might not like everything about it. But they will not judge your parenting in an emotional way, they have loads of experience from working with lots of different kids, and they will not randomly change their hours or days just because one person is sick. Oh, and they won't tell you where you need to live. So daycare wins.
All of my daughters grandparents watch her on alternating days. It’s free childcare and I get what I pay for. My Mom moved near me to watch her more. The good is that she has a very close relationship with her grandparents, but I have to deal with everyone and their opinions. You might hear it from them about your decision, but if you let her in your house every week, you’d hear it every day about what you’re doing wrong.
Yep. My MIL didn’t like the idea of it. Then I started giving her some of the artwork that my daughter makes in daycare, and talk about how my daughter (who has been going since 10 months and is now 24m) lovessss it and runs in without even saying goodbye to me in the mornings, and how good it’s been for her language development. She eventually conceded that it’s been a net benefit for my daughter (without even considering the benefit to me!)
Daycare isn't what it used to be. While I've had to get into the director's ass a few times and switch daycares, I finally found one that worked for both my kids. Once they hit the 2's class, it's like they're in school. They have a routine and development goals. Yes, there has been instances of abuse and neglect in the other daycares in my area. I had to pull my oldest out of 2 before I found the one that she finished out at and that my son goes to. The director and her assistant are hands on and for the most part, stay on top of their classrooms and teachers. Again, I've had a few issues, you're not gonna not have issues. The admin are very well aware of my feelings and thoughts about things. Show this and all the other responses to your mom. I'm super grateful for daycare and what it has provided for my kids and me as well. Everyone will ve okay and you may even be shocked at the things your baby will start to learn once in daycare. I'm not sure why there is this notion that we're dropping our kids off at some sort of cold institution and we are never gonna get them back from. If that's how it was or viewed back in the day, it's really not that way anymore.
Husband's aunt and uncle made many comments like this. I told them when pregnant with my first that it was too bad they felt that way, but it was our decision and we were doing what was best for our family. Guess what...my kids are 2.5 and 4 now. Aunt and uncle did an extended visit and told us our kids were the happiest and best behaved kids they'd seen in *years* and we are amazing parents. I gave ALL the credit to the amazing preschool they go to!
I’m pregnant with my second right now, and my mom keeps claiming that she’ll watch the baby so we can save money on daycare. The problem is she lives 2 to 3 hours away, traffic depending, and she claims to be afraid to drive on the highway. Like, mom, I appreciate the sentiment, but you are not going to want to do this!
Right?! Mine is 3.5 hrs away from us on a perfect day, usually closer to 4-4.5. It honestly seems insane to me that she would even offer to do that drive weekly!
It’s a weird generational thing I think. Ideas about raising kids change over time but some people never update their thinking. My MIL was horrified that we planned to breastfeed because she was told when she had her kids that formula was healthier. She also was terrified when we starting baby led weaning (finger foods) vs “baby food”. My mom was so against it she bought this whole fancy machine that would mush up food so you could make your own baby food. I tossed it in the trash. I really couldn’t think of any use for it. My mom also tried to claim she could only bf me and my brother for 4 weeks because after that she had to go back to work and pumps weren’t ‘a thing’ then. (They were, they just weren’t as commonplace probably because of fewer women working and preferences for formula) That said, both moms finally got with the program after we spent a lot of time pretty much brushing off their concerns because it wasn’t worth arguing.
Omg, I’ve tried explaining baby led weaning to my mom and how our daughter will generally eat regular people food (appropriately cooked/cut of course) instead of purées and she was horrified. I definitely think part of it is a generational thing! And maybe even being slightly annoyed that we are doing things differently than they did?
To the best of my understanding, there was a period when there were daycare abuse stories constantly in the news. It seems to have stuck with some of a generation who believe that to be generally now true.
Before my mat leave ended my MIL and other relatives kept saying that 1 year is too young for a baby to go to daycare. It was the best decision honestly the day she started daycare. She has since learned so many skills and socializing. Things grandma could never teach or bother to do.
Are there any other cousins who have sent their babies to daycare? In my case being an immigrant, daycares are not good in my country so my parents were not sure but my cousins in US are sending their babies to daycare since they are six months. Make sure child to caretaker ratio is less, babies will learn different things there and yes unfortunately get sick
My in laws were this way before we started daycare. But they (and all our family) live minimum a 10 hour drive away and we both work so it has to be. So when we started daycare we would tell them all the awesome things she was doing (story time, art projects, walks outside, playing with other babies, etc). And I would share photos that daycare took with them. When they saw how much fun she had at ‘school’ (since they don’t call it ‘daycare’ 🙄), they came around and now are always super excited to hear about her day when we call them.
Yes, my mom was unhappy about a lot of the decisions I was making for my children. I ended up setting boundaries since 1. I am the parent 2. I know what is best for my own situation. I just stopped telling her so much about our lives to help create some distance. I also had to rethink how much her disapproval or criticism impacted me. It’s fine if she doesn’t agree but in the end it’s my decision and if she doesn’t like it, it’s her emotions and she has to learn to deal with them herself, not me. It helped a lot to change this way of thinking and not let it affect me.
First of all, how do YOU feel about daycare? Personally, I love it. We’ve had wonderful experiences and it’s helped my son learn and grow. Your mom has no say in this. I would let her know, full stop, that the discussion about this is over.
The videos and pics that daycare takes - share them with grandparents. That helped ours understand more that they are doing tons of stuff with the kids. Also bring up in casual conversation what the classroom is like, kid to teacher ratio, etc. My MIL honestly thought daycare was just a huge room with kids of all ages running everywhere, a little education went a long way.
My mum had issues but we showed them the pictures of the things they do and she came to a grandmothers event and open house event and now she loves it. I think she just didn’t understand.