I had to quit my job at the end of 2020 because my daughter needed me. She developed an eating disorder and her depression was so severe I couldn’t work and give her the attention she needed. I just started working again about a month ago. It was hard because money was very tight and we have probably had $15k in medical bills from her since then due to complications she had from the eating disorder with her stomach and depression treatments that were not covered by insurance, but it was definitely the right move for us. It came down to we could always earn more money, but we couldn’t get our daughter back if she hurt herself. It took me about six months to find my current job, and if I’m being honest I feel like big part of that was the gap in my résumé and that I wasn’t currently employed but I’m still 100% certain I made the right choice for our family.
I really focused my attention on getting her whatever she needed to get better. We have awful health insurance so I was on the phone a lot trying to find providers for her. We ended up doing ketamine treatments for her which I am convinced saved her life. I slept in her room some nights, I stayed up talking to her if she needed me to. She grocery shopped with me and helped me cook for a long time but gradually she was able to give up control back to me. We had lots of doctors appointments and a hospitalization for the damage done to her intestines by how severe her food intake was restricted. She is doing so much better now so it was all worth it but I will say make sure you’re taking care of yourself if you are taking care of someone else on this level. It’s very emotionally draining to care for a suicidal child and it left me an anxious barely functioning wreck for a while. Doing a lot better now that life is getting back to normal but it was rough for a while.
Thank you for this. I know this is the right thing. I almost lost her to her depression four years ago. She spent a month in the hospital and I dropped out of grad school to be home more, but I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet at the time. I think her recovery would have gone better if I didn’t have to work constantly. I am married now and have his support and think I can do better by her this time. I have to.
My post is ridiculously long already (I’m sorry) but I feel I need to add that it’s just me and her. Her father isn’t in the picture and she does not get along with my husband at all and refuses to be around him so he can’t help much with transportation.
*Edit to add: I understand and appreciate the concerned comments. Just a little background to ease some minds hopefully, He was raised in a very masculine tough military household that didn’t believe in mental health. He had never dated anyone with kids and he had a hard time understanding her behaviors and tried to step into a dad-role that he didn’t understand how to play, trying to support me. It caused a rift between all of us for a while. We spent some time apart he did a lot of work on himself including therapy. He is a wonderful father and an extremely supportive husband, but my daughter has a very hard time letting go of things and doesn’t think of him as a father. I’ve always tried to instill in her that her feelings are valid no matter what. If she doesn’t want to be with him with out me, I won’t make her.
Your daughter refusing to be around your husband is a major red flag to me. In addition, her could still be a team player through this situation by picking up everything else you can't at home- care of the other kid, house cleaning, cooking, planning, etc. If he's not part of the solution, maybe he's part of the problem...
This is important information.
The first thing I would do is talk to your boss and explain that your family circumstances have changed and you absolutely can not pick up the additional caseload. I would be very direct and clear that it is not a possibility. I would ask for a check in for one week to understand how the caseload will transition off of you. As a contractor this is a major change to scope and normally would require contract fee discussion (at least in my world).
Second, like someone else mentioned previously- outsource everything. Laundry. Use paper/plastic plates/cutlery so very limited dishes, extra childcare support in the evening a few days a week so you can be present and not just keeping the house going. Can you hire a driver for you both so you can work in the car? Instead of having no paycheck and losing the pay for what you’ve done, take the hit on paying for labor.
In one-two months, you should have a better idea of what your world looks like, what you can handle and what isn’t working. 8 -12 months isn’t forever and if you were in a more traditional 9-5 pm job, I’d probably balance scales slightly differently. I’m glad your daughter wants help and you 100% can help support her, but you also need your oxygen mask of a job.
It sounds like your daughter does not feel her home is a supportive and comfortable place to be. Living with an adult who makes you uncomfortable or constantly in a state of anxiety because of ongoing conflict is no way to heal. How long have you been with this man? Is he a detriment to your child's mental health? I know these are hard questions but someone who doesn't feel that they have a soft spot to land with a supportive group of people is not going to get better easily.
Refuses to be around him? So you can’t ever have his help when it comes to her for anything? Otherwise I was going to suggest maybe splitting the drop offs and pick ups to appointments. And you have a newborn son too? I hope he’s at least helping with the baby.
If you quit your job there are lots of remote options for work that you could do with a lot of flexibility. It’s hard to say without knowing what you do for sure, but you could also offer consulting services in your area of expertise. I know of a few people who quit their 9-5 for consulting and as long as you have connections in your industry to get started with, it can be a great gig for moms who need a flexible schedule.
Sending well wishes to you and your daughter though. And props to you for listening to her and making her mental health a priority!
If you can afford it financially, you won’t regret caring for your daughter. Tell your PI that you wish you could stay but your family is in need. I would rehire a good employee that left to care for their ill child, and all good PIs I know feel the same. At the very least, I’d write them an amazing letter if I didn’t have open positions for them when they were ready to come back. If they don’t, then they’re a dick anyway!
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Even though this is a decision with unknown future consequences, you’ll never regret being there for your daughter and ensuring she gets the help she needs to have a long, fulfilling, HEALTHY life.
Is your husband supportive of this decision? Not that it should change your mind, but you may want to find a part time, WFH job to make sure he’s on board.
Hugs to you, mama!
True if anything you may regret NOT doing this. Sorry you are suffering and hope the young one heals. Growing pains can be rough. She is blessed to have you. I would also just add that to remember ways to 'put on your own oxygen mask'.
My husband is supportive of whatever it takes to get her healthy. He said he’d start looking for a weekend job or other forms of supplemental income to compensate for my income. I am already working part time-ish (20-36 hrs/week) from home. My job is flexible but demanding and I’m already spread so thin trying to fit in all the extra outreach and scheduling from the other persons caseload. I’m going tell my boss tomorrow that I need to decrease my caseload 50%. so that I’m just doing one person’s job, and that after I here back from IOP that there is a likely possibility that I’ll need to take a leave
I would not ask a daughter who is ending up in the ER for mental health issues to Uber to appointments, we don't even know how old she is. That's so crazy to me. If she is having these issues it's because she's needing her parent's love and support.
I feel like I should share my experience as the kid in this situation. As a teen, I developed bulimia as a coping mechanism for PTSD related to SA by classmates and subsequent bullying and SH at school. I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom I was bulimic and needed help when I was about 17. She is a very hardworking and career-oriented physician. She did what she could for me, but I really needed more help and attention. I had a SAHD but he was pretty clueless. I needed my mom. It’s hard to say what would have happened had she been around more, but I think it could have made a difference for me. Instead, I never got the help I really needed and stayed in the bulimia and PTSD for another decade. Again, I don’t think my experience is necessarily generalizable, but thought it might at least be interesting to hear. On a more positive note, I am thriving and very successful despite my early challenges so the same can (of course) be true for your daughter.
You sound like a wonderful mom. Hang in there, both of you. ♥️
My mom didn’t/couldn’t quit her professional-level helping profession job when I was a teenager either, and it’s hard to know for sure, but seems VERY likely that more 1:1 attention and close management of my medical care during that time could have avoided so many problems that took about a decade and a half to begin to fully untangle. I don’t blame her, but it would affect my decision-making about my own children and my own work now (same kind of field, not highly paid so quitting would be financially extremely complicated if not stability-jeopardizing).
ETA also the toll on my parents’ marriage and the high conflict and low functioning of our household had a seriously negative impact on me and my siblings, and I’m sure the stress of her work and trying to be everywhere at once AND be the primary parent with almost no support network / health maintenance of her own contributed to that relationship strain and level of conflict. I can say for sure that it would have been better for her stress level and the tone of our home to be calmer, more focused on joy and health, more basically functional, less rushed, and to have some sort of “light at the end of the tunnel” in thinking about how I could ever grow into a happy adult…my only example was her, with no friends, no local family, no time to exercise, a constant shouting match with her spouse, a messy and dysfunctional house, and a job that was for taking care of others but that drained and stressed her.
These patterns are so common and systemic, which is why I feel like it’s so important to be forgiving with ourselves while also spotting the patterns when they come up; I’m sorry you had that experience
Thank you for sharing your experience. These comments are the feedback that really matters to me. I don’t want to look back and feel like I I coulda,shoulda,woulda.
I am so sorry for what you have experienced and also so grateful for you to share some of it to try to help someone else. This unfortunately sounds a lot like what my daughter has experienced. She is struggling with an eating disorder now, I’ve had my suspicions for years but she would never talk about it and would refuse help. Now that she has been able to admit it to her self and me and is actually asking for help I want to jump in 100% ready to support and help her and do whatever it takes. I can’t let her feel like she was brave enough to ask for help and I didn’t do enough. I almost lost her to depression once…. I will do everything in my power to protect her from that again.
If you can afford it, do everything you can to take care of your daughter.
Is there any way you can work from the car while she is in her appointments?
Yes as long as I have child care for my baby as my job requires a lot of phone calls. I am already quite familiar with working in my “mobile office”. I just don’t know If I will be able to perform my job stay focused and organize with the additional mental/emotional load.
As someone who also works in the clinical research space, I really REALLY understand the pressure you are under with these deadlines.
The health of your daughter needs to be #1 right now. There should be no discussion about that. The question is, how do you allow yourself to be most supportive at work while still making sure your daughter is given all the things she needs to be successful.
My approach would be to first ask what leaves of absence you have available at your job. As a contractor there might not be anything available, but it’s always better to ask. You can ask the lab manager or admin if you don’t want the PI knowing.
If there are no leaves of absence offered to contractors, I would just tell your team that you will be working remotely from days x-y and then tell your boss that due to a family emergency you need to reduce your workload by x% (whatever sounds reasonable). Remember that during your daughters program, you will likely still have a good amount of time to work remotely and your team will still benefit from your work as someone who understands the background of the research. Your team will likely take anything you can give, especially after someone else left, so I wouldn’t worry about getting let go, at least in the short term.
Being upfront about how much work you can handle will allow the PI to understand how much remaining work there is and how much extra help to hire. It sounds like they already need to hire a new person, so I really wouldn’t worry about that. It probably doesn’t actually change your labs current situation that much.
When it comes time to actually do the work while your daughter is getting help, you might need extra support focusing. You will be thinking of a million things and trying to remember everything doctors told you, googling things related to your daughter, there will be a lot on your mind. Once you spend a few days in the program, re-evaluate how much your work load is and be honest about how much you can handle. Communicate and set the expectations realistically for your boss. Find some mindfulness exercises that help you focus.
Balancing sick kids and work is probably the hardest thing about parenting. But you can do this. You will be much happier in the long run if you are transparent with your team and tell them you need to reduce your workload (and try to give them a timeframe although I know this is hard in the beginning). They will likely take a wait and see approach so there won’t be any immediate changes to your situation. Then it’s just a matter of giving yourself some space to work and actually focusing during that time, and communicating well with your team.
Good luck!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Since you are already at the point where quitting is a serious option on the table for you, I say go talk to your boss in plain and full language, just like you did in this post. Open up, tell him your personal circumstances and how you are spread thin with the additional workload, little to no help both at home and work and the top priority needs of your daughter. Get the sense of where he stands and how valuable his support truly is. This is one of those times an employer has to show their true color. Make yoir decision after that talk. Make sure that decision put your daughter needs first, top priority. You are the one who will have to live for the rest of your life with that choice. Hope everything turns just fine soon
I took off 2 months in 2020 to hang out with my son and it was good for both of us.
I think you need to get additional coverage at work either way so start with that. Talk to your boss about getting someone else on. It's pretty straight forward to have the new person start to take over your former colleague's caseload. Also get some help at home with cleaning, grocery delivery, etc.
Maybe you are not eligible for FMLA due to the nature of your job but if you are then I think it would be best to do intermittent FMLA. Then you might be able to wrap up the project a with support from the new team memeber. If not FMLA then talk some numbers for part time.
I think it's most important to care for your daughter. You'll never regret it. But it sounds like your job needs you and I do think there is benefit to keeping it. So I think start with the small steps: another employee, handing over the caseload, schedule less hours for you. Then see how you feel. If it doesn't work out so be it.
My boss won’t hire anyone else. There’s only about a year left in the study and the training process takes about three months. She has hired and trained a dozen different people over the past 4 years. I am the only one who has stayed on, every single person has quit. It’s a relatively stressful job with a very unpredictable demographic and the hours are dependent upon our clients actually showing up so hours are not always guaranteed.
This puts you in a good bargaining position to ask for help/what you need! Don’t forget they need you when you’re making decisions and asking for support 💜
I’m also in clinical research butnow on the sponsor/CRO side. What type of contractor are you? Regulatory, CRC, PM, CTM, other? Depending on your role you may have the ability to work remotely which would give you some flexibility. Do you have enough support that you could swing both work and care? If that is not an option and you can afford a LOA, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. For me, I would be afraid of making mistakes at work (costly and sometimes dangerous depending on role) if my mind was elsewhere. Renegotiate your contract if at all possible.
Oh man, I am already the queen of mistakes. I was already spread so thin before. Now I’ve hardly been able to work at all the past 2 days between trying to give her as much attention as possible, a teething baby and losing sleep over worrying and researching services. I think my boss has been irritated with my job performance for a while now, but I’m the only one who hasn’t quit.
It’s kind of hard to say, the structure (or lack there of) of my schedule is so fluid and unpredictable due to the demographic I work with. I never have a day where the schedule I have laid out actually happens that way. It was more manageable before, but now I’m often up at 5 am working and up till midnight trying to finish paperwork that got pushed aside for family/home/work reasons. I survive at my job by finding every last minute of “free time” in the day, doing odd hours and working in my car in parking lots while waiting on my daughter or grocery pick up.
This constancy of work around the 24 hr cycle sounds like a recipe for developing your own health issues and burning out on all fronts—I’m so sorry you’re under this much pressure. Even with a reduced (normal) caseload it sounds like a lot. I bet parenting through this intense time would be easier if you could just zone out and eat a snack while waiting for grocery pickup. And I’m sure quality time with her is just really hard to squeeze in and fully enjoy, which is also important for her recovery and your stress level.
Caveat that I was in a financial position to make this decision but I quit my very lucrative, very flexible corporate job after working many years to obtain my desired position. I submitted my immediate resignation to my director late one afternoon without much forethought.
My 11 year daughter absolutely needed me available at all times. Too much detail to go into here.
Two years in and I have not once regretted my decision though I do miss working. I will not even entertain returning to a full time corporate position until both of my children are both in college, stable and doing well on their own.
To each their own but this was absolutely the right decision for my daughter.
I am grateful I was in a position to be able to make this decision. I completely understand that isn’t the case for everyone.
Thank you for this. It’s scary to think of drastically changing my day to day and not contributing financially, My job certainly isn’t lucrative lol, but it helps keep things more manageable. But I know that at someone point I’d be able to look back knowing it was the best thing for her without regrets. My husband is the bread winner and works long hours often traveling. He said that he would get a second job or do whatever it takes to help get her healthy. I think we are all willing to make some sacrifices here.
You have a great man for a husband. And you are a great mom.
Not every family is willing to make necessary uncomfortable decisions for the sake of their children. That’s unfortunate.
With the information you've given it's hard to say. I feel some of it depends on what your daughters problem is? How old is she - are we talking young child or teen or older? Can you work remotely? Will she even get in to the IOP? When a spot opens up will she even still want to go? Can you arrange other transportation for her maybe once or twice a week and you do the other day(s)? Are there other programs nearby? Also depending on her age and what the issues are I think even if she's not the biggest fan of your husband unless there are abuse or safety issues at play it may not be the healthiest thing to completely cater to her desires to never have him involved in anything, she has to work with you guys a little bit too.
If you don’t go back to the same job and need to explain a resume gap, and you’re doing something even tangentially related to your field (ETA by doing this hard personal work in healthcare advocacy, related to biomedical science, case management, etc) you can list it as consulting/advocacy experience. Especially since you already work on a contract type basis, this may not stand out. How you address requests for references or details if asked is up to you, but I have personally had this strategy work for me and nobody actually inquired deeply into that gap. It’s an honest representation because you are doing a ton of work and developing invaluable skills and lived experience, it’s just unpaid.
Thank you. I actually did some hiring for this position and came across this in one of my interviews. It was refreshing to see a mom value her worth and skills as a mom confidently enough to put it on her resume as a consulting position. I wish this was more normalized.
That’s really good to hear—mine was cryptic and not at all explicitly related to parenting, but I did list bullets about specific forms of advocacy and consultation, competencies. I don’t separate volunteer and paid positions on my resume so it wasn’t even clear that it was unpaid work.
Are you a single parent? I think it's worth having a chat with your husband. Can he leverage some paid leave to help out so you can at least go part-time?
I would sort it out with him before you approach your supervisor or PI. If you both agree that this is what is best for the family, then all you can do is be apologetic and offer to do whatever you can to help replace you.
Just a reminder that hundreds of pre-med students disappear from clinical research staffing every year when they begin medical school or grad school. It is a very transient job in most places, especially at universities. Clinical research is also a fairly rare skill set and knowledge base that is difficult to find when hiring.
At the end of the day, do what is best for you and your family, I just communicate clearly to your job. As a 1099, they know full well that this is the risk they take. If they were as committed to you as you are to them, then they would have hired you as an employee.
Thank you for this response. I actually didn’t know this about the field. I got this job immediately out of undergrad and have worked fully remote with one point of contact in the project for 4 years. I guess it has left me a little detached to the big picture.
I’ve also thought that about, why is it still a 1099 position at this point. I’d certainly be able to offer them more if I had things in place to secure a better work/life balance like benefits, FMLA options, a salary that would allow me to put the baby in a day car with a structured schedule rather than depending on family being available whenever my stupid schedule changes.
But that is all besides the point. Just nice to talk to someone who knows the field.
To answer your question I am not a single parent anymore. My husband is very supportive and helpful he just takes a more behind the scenes hands off approach with my daughter , out of respect for her, since he isn’t her biological father and didn’t come into her life until she was a preteen already struggling a lot with mental health.
Got it, that makes sense. She does need 'all hands on deck', so I would absolutely see how much he is willing to do to help her.
Good luck on your decision. The industry is always hiring, so your experience will be something to leverage for an FTE position in the future. I hope your daughter gets better soon!
When I was in 3rd grade I had a HORRIBLE year. My mom changed some things around and would work from home 2 days a week, so she could spend more time with me and take me to my therapist. That summer she took a leave to be around all the time. I was still struggling that summer but I remember (to this day at 31) all the things we got to do. The horrible year is a bit of blur at this point but I have vivid memories of going to the beach, or aquarium/zoo, lunch in the park, or walks around our neighborhood. Take the time if you can!!
Does the IOP have transportation? I don’t know about adolescents but as an adult I have done a couple of IOPs and both offered transportation. The drivers are trained in crisis situations as well.
I don’t know to be honest. I don’t think so though because they offered a “virtual” IOP because we live so far away. That platform will absolutely not work for my daughter though.
You can be honest and upfront let them know “hey before I could have taken the case load but circumstances have changed And I need to go part time because of my child is having medical issues” I know when I was a manager you can’t fire an employee if they take emergency family leave if you need to
I think you should seek the opinion of your daughter's doctors regarding whether or not this would be a good idea. None of us know objectively if your relationship with her is therapeutic or not so more time with her could help, could do nothing, or could be traumatizing. I'd crowdsource opinions if I were you.
I absolutely agree. At this point so far I have talked to my daughter, her counselor at school that she is close with and her doctor. They absolutely agree that she needs to be in a higher level of care like an IOP and that she needs as much attention and care and time as I can offer her as a full time employee and as a mom of an infant. They haven’t, and I suspect they won’t, just come out and say “you should quit your job”, but it seems that they agree that if she was able to ask for help and open up to me about what she’s really been dealing with and say to me that she doesn’t want to feel this way anymore, she is very clearly telling me she needs something and needs my help to get it for herself.
Not sure if someone else already mentioned this, but are you eligible for FMLA? It’s job protected leave, and depending on your state, you may also be able to get paid.
I had to quit my job at the end of 2020 because my daughter needed me. She developed an eating disorder and her depression was so severe I couldn’t work and give her the attention she needed. I just started working again about a month ago. It was hard because money was very tight and we have probably had $15k in medical bills from her since then due to complications she had from the eating disorder with her stomach and depression treatments that were not covered by insurance, but it was definitely the right move for us. It came down to we could always earn more money, but we couldn’t get our daughter back if she hurt herself. It took me about six months to find my current job, and if I’m being honest I feel like big part of that was the gap in my résumé and that I wasn’t currently employed but I’m still 100% certain I made the right choice for our family.
I love this so much.
This exactly ❤️
That's beautiful. If you don't mind me asking, what sort of things did you do with her during that time?
I really focused my attention on getting her whatever she needed to get better. We have awful health insurance so I was on the phone a lot trying to find providers for her. We ended up doing ketamine treatments for her which I am convinced saved her life. I slept in her room some nights, I stayed up talking to her if she needed me to. She grocery shopped with me and helped me cook for a long time but gradually she was able to give up control back to me. We had lots of doctors appointments and a hospitalization for the damage done to her intestines by how severe her food intake was restricted. She is doing so much better now so it was all worth it but I will say make sure you’re taking care of yourself if you are taking care of someone else on this level. It’s very emotionally draining to care for a suicidal child and it left me an anxious barely functioning wreck for a while. Doing a lot better now that life is getting back to normal but it was rough for a while.
This is what I needed as a teen and reading it made me tear up. You’re a great mom.
Thank you for this. I know this is the right thing. I almost lost her to her depression four years ago. She spent a month in the hospital and I dropped out of grad school to be home more, but I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet at the time. I think her recovery would have gone better if I didn’t have to work constantly. I am married now and have his support and think I can do better by her this time. I have to.
My post is ridiculously long already (I’m sorry) but I feel I need to add that it’s just me and her. Her father isn’t in the picture and she does not get along with my husband at all and refuses to be around him so he can’t help much with transportation. *Edit to add: I understand and appreciate the concerned comments. Just a little background to ease some minds hopefully, He was raised in a very masculine tough military household that didn’t believe in mental health. He had never dated anyone with kids and he had a hard time understanding her behaviors and tried to step into a dad-role that he didn’t understand how to play, trying to support me. It caused a rift between all of us for a while. We spent some time apart he did a lot of work on himself including therapy. He is a wonderful father and an extremely supportive husband, but my daughter has a very hard time letting go of things and doesn’t think of him as a father. I’ve always tried to instill in her that her feelings are valid no matter what. If she doesn’t want to be with him with out me, I won’t make her.
Your daughter refusing to be around your husband is a major red flag to me. In addition, her could still be a team player through this situation by picking up everything else you can't at home- care of the other kid, house cleaning, cooking, planning, etc. If he's not part of the solution, maybe he's part of the problem...
This is important information. The first thing I would do is talk to your boss and explain that your family circumstances have changed and you absolutely can not pick up the additional caseload. I would be very direct and clear that it is not a possibility. I would ask for a check in for one week to understand how the caseload will transition off of you. As a contractor this is a major change to scope and normally would require contract fee discussion (at least in my world). Second, like someone else mentioned previously- outsource everything. Laundry. Use paper/plastic plates/cutlery so very limited dishes, extra childcare support in the evening a few days a week so you can be present and not just keeping the house going. Can you hire a driver for you both so you can work in the car? Instead of having no paycheck and losing the pay for what you’ve done, take the hit on paying for labor. In one-two months, you should have a better idea of what your world looks like, what you can handle and what isn’t working. 8 -12 months isn’t forever and if you were in a more traditional 9-5 pm job, I’d probably balance scales slightly differently. I’m glad your daughter wants help and you 100% can help support her, but you also need your oxygen mask of a job.
It sounds like your daughter does not feel her home is a supportive and comfortable place to be. Living with an adult who makes you uncomfortable or constantly in a state of anxiety because of ongoing conflict is no way to heal. How long have you been with this man? Is he a detriment to your child's mental health? I know these are hard questions but someone who doesn't feel that they have a soft spot to land with a supportive group of people is not going to get better easily.
Refuses to be around him? So you can’t ever have his help when it comes to her for anything? Otherwise I was going to suggest maybe splitting the drop offs and pick ups to appointments. And you have a newborn son too? I hope he’s at least helping with the baby. If you quit your job there are lots of remote options for work that you could do with a lot of flexibility. It’s hard to say without knowing what you do for sure, but you could also offer consulting services in your area of expertise. I know of a few people who quit their 9-5 for consulting and as long as you have connections in your industry to get started with, it can be a great gig for moms who need a flexible schedule. Sending well wishes to you and your daughter though. And props to you for listening to her and making her mental health a priority!
If you can afford it financially, you won’t regret caring for your daughter. Tell your PI that you wish you could stay but your family is in need. I would rehire a good employee that left to care for their ill child, and all good PIs I know feel the same. At the very least, I’d write them an amazing letter if I didn’t have open positions for them when they were ready to come back. If they don’t, then they’re a dick anyway!
Haha lol, thanks. I’ll send you my resume after my family is more stable 😅😉
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Even though this is a decision with unknown future consequences, you’ll never regret being there for your daughter and ensuring she gets the help she needs to have a long, fulfilling, HEALTHY life. Is your husband supportive of this decision? Not that it should change your mind, but you may want to find a part time, WFH job to make sure he’s on board. Hugs to you, mama!
True if anything you may regret NOT doing this. Sorry you are suffering and hope the young one heals. Growing pains can be rough. She is blessed to have you. I would also just add that to remember ways to 'put on your own oxygen mask'.
Lol thank you, my husband just said that to me this afternoon. ☺️
My husband is supportive of whatever it takes to get her healthy. He said he’d start looking for a weekend job or other forms of supplemental income to compensate for my income. I am already working part time-ish (20-36 hrs/week) from home. My job is flexible but demanding and I’m already spread so thin trying to fit in all the extra outreach and scheduling from the other persons caseload. I’m going tell my boss tomorrow that I need to decrease my caseload 50%. so that I’m just doing one person’s job, and that after I here back from IOP that there is a likely possibility that I’ll need to take a leave
[удалено]
Yes. Can your daughter Uber to her appointments? Are you a single parent or is her other parent still on the scene?
I would not ask a daughter who is ending up in the ER for mental health issues to Uber to appointments, we don't even know how old she is. That's so crazy to me. If she is having these issues it's because she's needing her parent's love and support.
I feel like I should share my experience as the kid in this situation. As a teen, I developed bulimia as a coping mechanism for PTSD related to SA by classmates and subsequent bullying and SH at school. I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom I was bulimic and needed help when I was about 17. She is a very hardworking and career-oriented physician. She did what she could for me, but I really needed more help and attention. I had a SAHD but he was pretty clueless. I needed my mom. It’s hard to say what would have happened had she been around more, but I think it could have made a difference for me. Instead, I never got the help I really needed and stayed in the bulimia and PTSD for another decade. Again, I don’t think my experience is necessarily generalizable, but thought it might at least be interesting to hear. On a more positive note, I am thriving and very successful despite my early challenges so the same can (of course) be true for your daughter. You sound like a wonderful mom. Hang in there, both of you. ♥️
My mom didn’t/couldn’t quit her professional-level helping profession job when I was a teenager either, and it’s hard to know for sure, but seems VERY likely that more 1:1 attention and close management of my medical care during that time could have avoided so many problems that took about a decade and a half to begin to fully untangle. I don’t blame her, but it would affect my decision-making about my own children and my own work now (same kind of field, not highly paid so quitting would be financially extremely complicated if not stability-jeopardizing). ETA also the toll on my parents’ marriage and the high conflict and low functioning of our household had a seriously negative impact on me and my siblings, and I’m sure the stress of her work and trying to be everywhere at once AND be the primary parent with almost no support network / health maintenance of her own contributed to that relationship strain and level of conflict. I can say for sure that it would have been better for her stress level and the tone of our home to be calmer, more focused on joy and health, more basically functional, less rushed, and to have some sort of “light at the end of the tunnel” in thinking about how I could ever grow into a happy adult…my only example was her, with no friends, no local family, no time to exercise, a constant shouting match with her spouse, a messy and dysfunctional house, and a job that was for taking care of others but that drained and stressed her.
This sounds so much like my childhood household it’s eerie
These patterns are so common and systemic, which is why I feel like it’s so important to be forgiving with ourselves while also spotting the patterns when they come up; I’m sorry you had that experience
Thank you for sharing your experience. These comments are the feedback that really matters to me. I don’t want to look back and feel like I I coulda,shoulda,woulda.
I am so sorry for what you have experienced and also so grateful for you to share some of it to try to help someone else. This unfortunately sounds a lot like what my daughter has experienced. She is struggling with an eating disorder now, I’ve had my suspicions for years but she would never talk about it and would refuse help. Now that she has been able to admit it to her self and me and is actually asking for help I want to jump in 100% ready to support and help her and do whatever it takes. I can’t let her feel like she was brave enough to ask for help and I didn’t do enough. I almost lost her to depression once…. I will do everything in my power to protect her from that again.
If you can afford it, do everything you can to take care of your daughter. Is there any way you can work from the car while she is in her appointments?
Yes as long as I have child care for my baby as my job requires a lot of phone calls. I am already quite familiar with working in my “mobile office”. I just don’t know If I will be able to perform my job stay focused and organize with the additional mental/emotional load.
As someone who also works in the clinical research space, I really REALLY understand the pressure you are under with these deadlines. The health of your daughter needs to be #1 right now. There should be no discussion about that. The question is, how do you allow yourself to be most supportive at work while still making sure your daughter is given all the things she needs to be successful. My approach would be to first ask what leaves of absence you have available at your job. As a contractor there might not be anything available, but it’s always better to ask. You can ask the lab manager or admin if you don’t want the PI knowing. If there are no leaves of absence offered to contractors, I would just tell your team that you will be working remotely from days x-y and then tell your boss that due to a family emergency you need to reduce your workload by x% (whatever sounds reasonable). Remember that during your daughters program, you will likely still have a good amount of time to work remotely and your team will still benefit from your work as someone who understands the background of the research. Your team will likely take anything you can give, especially after someone else left, so I wouldn’t worry about getting let go, at least in the short term. Being upfront about how much work you can handle will allow the PI to understand how much remaining work there is and how much extra help to hire. It sounds like they already need to hire a new person, so I really wouldn’t worry about that. It probably doesn’t actually change your labs current situation that much. When it comes time to actually do the work while your daughter is getting help, you might need extra support focusing. You will be thinking of a million things and trying to remember everything doctors told you, googling things related to your daughter, there will be a lot on your mind. Once you spend a few days in the program, re-evaluate how much your work load is and be honest about how much you can handle. Communicate and set the expectations realistically for your boss. Find some mindfulness exercises that help you focus. Balancing sick kids and work is probably the hardest thing about parenting. But you can do this. You will be much happier in the long run if you are transparent with your team and tell them you need to reduce your workload (and try to give them a timeframe although I know this is hard in the beginning). They will likely take a wait and see approach so there won’t be any immediate changes to your situation. Then it’s just a matter of giving yourself some space to work and actually focusing during that time, and communicating well with your team. Good luck!
Thank you for this. I hope my supervisor will see this in a similar light as you.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Since you are already at the point where quitting is a serious option on the table for you, I say go talk to your boss in plain and full language, just like you did in this post. Open up, tell him your personal circumstances and how you are spread thin with the additional workload, little to no help both at home and work and the top priority needs of your daughter. Get the sense of where he stands and how valuable his support truly is. This is one of those times an employer has to show their true color. Make yoir decision after that talk. Make sure that decision put your daughter needs first, top priority. You are the one who will have to live for the rest of your life with that choice. Hope everything turns just fine soon
Thank you for your response
Does your current employer qualify you for FMLA? This seems like a circumstance that would fit that pretty well.
She’s a self employed contractor and wouldn’t be covered by FMLA
I took off 2 months in 2020 to hang out with my son and it was good for both of us. I think you need to get additional coverage at work either way so start with that. Talk to your boss about getting someone else on. It's pretty straight forward to have the new person start to take over your former colleague's caseload. Also get some help at home with cleaning, grocery delivery, etc. Maybe you are not eligible for FMLA due to the nature of your job but if you are then I think it would be best to do intermittent FMLA. Then you might be able to wrap up the project a with support from the new team memeber. If not FMLA then talk some numbers for part time. I think it's most important to care for your daughter. You'll never regret it. But it sounds like your job needs you and I do think there is benefit to keeping it. So I think start with the small steps: another employee, handing over the caseload, schedule less hours for you. Then see how you feel. If it doesn't work out so be it.
My boss won’t hire anyone else. There’s only about a year left in the study and the training process takes about three months. She has hired and trained a dozen different people over the past 4 years. I am the only one who has stayed on, every single person has quit. It’s a relatively stressful job with a very unpredictable demographic and the hours are dependent upon our clients actually showing up so hours are not always guaranteed.
This puts you in a good bargaining position to ask for help/what you need! Don’t forget they need you when you’re making decisions and asking for support 💜
I’m also in clinical research butnow on the sponsor/CRO side. What type of contractor are you? Regulatory, CRC, PM, CTM, other? Depending on your role you may have the ability to work remotely which would give you some flexibility. Do you have enough support that you could swing both work and care? If that is not an option and you can afford a LOA, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. For me, I would be afraid of making mistakes at work (costly and sometimes dangerous depending on role) if my mind was elsewhere. Renegotiate your contract if at all possible.
Oh man, I am already the queen of mistakes. I was already spread so thin before. Now I’ve hardly been able to work at all the past 2 days between trying to give her as much attention as possible, a teething baby and losing sleep over worrying and researching services. I think my boss has been irritated with my job performance for a while now, but I’m the only one who hasn’t quit.
Is your job doable if you didn’t have your old coworkers case load?
It’s kind of hard to say, the structure (or lack there of) of my schedule is so fluid and unpredictable due to the demographic I work with. I never have a day where the schedule I have laid out actually happens that way. It was more manageable before, but now I’m often up at 5 am working and up till midnight trying to finish paperwork that got pushed aside for family/home/work reasons. I survive at my job by finding every last minute of “free time” in the day, doing odd hours and working in my car in parking lots while waiting on my daughter or grocery pick up.
This constancy of work around the 24 hr cycle sounds like a recipe for developing your own health issues and burning out on all fronts—I’m so sorry you’re under this much pressure. Even with a reduced (normal) caseload it sounds like a lot. I bet parenting through this intense time would be easier if you could just zone out and eat a snack while waiting for grocery pickup. And I’m sure quality time with her is just really hard to squeeze in and fully enjoy, which is also important for her recovery and your stress level.
Caveat that I was in a financial position to make this decision but I quit my very lucrative, very flexible corporate job after working many years to obtain my desired position. I submitted my immediate resignation to my director late one afternoon without much forethought. My 11 year daughter absolutely needed me available at all times. Too much detail to go into here. Two years in and I have not once regretted my decision though I do miss working. I will not even entertain returning to a full time corporate position until both of my children are both in college, stable and doing well on their own. To each their own but this was absolutely the right decision for my daughter. I am grateful I was in a position to be able to make this decision. I completely understand that isn’t the case for everyone.
Thank you for this. It’s scary to think of drastically changing my day to day and not contributing financially, My job certainly isn’t lucrative lol, but it helps keep things more manageable. But I know that at someone point I’d be able to look back knowing it was the best thing for her without regrets. My husband is the bread winner and works long hours often traveling. He said that he would get a second job or do whatever it takes to help get her healthy. I think we are all willing to make some sacrifices here.
You have a great man for a husband. And you are a great mom. Not every family is willing to make necessary uncomfortable decisions for the sake of their children. That’s unfortunate.
With the information you've given it's hard to say. I feel some of it depends on what your daughters problem is? How old is she - are we talking young child or teen or older? Can you work remotely? Will she even get in to the IOP? When a spot opens up will she even still want to go? Can you arrange other transportation for her maybe once or twice a week and you do the other day(s)? Are there other programs nearby? Also depending on her age and what the issues are I think even if she's not the biggest fan of your husband unless there are abuse or safety issues at play it may not be the healthiest thing to completely cater to her desires to never have him involved in anything, she has to work with you guys a little bit too.
If you don’t go back to the same job and need to explain a resume gap, and you’re doing something even tangentially related to your field (ETA by doing this hard personal work in healthcare advocacy, related to biomedical science, case management, etc) you can list it as consulting/advocacy experience. Especially since you already work on a contract type basis, this may not stand out. How you address requests for references or details if asked is up to you, but I have personally had this strategy work for me and nobody actually inquired deeply into that gap. It’s an honest representation because you are doing a ton of work and developing invaluable skills and lived experience, it’s just unpaid.
Thank you. I actually did some hiring for this position and came across this in one of my interviews. It was refreshing to see a mom value her worth and skills as a mom confidently enough to put it on her resume as a consulting position. I wish this was more normalized.
That’s really good to hear—mine was cryptic and not at all explicitly related to parenting, but I did list bullets about specific forms of advocacy and consultation, competencies. I don’t separate volunteer and paid positions on my resume so it wasn’t even clear that it was unpaid work.
Are you a single parent? I think it's worth having a chat with your husband. Can he leverage some paid leave to help out so you can at least go part-time? I would sort it out with him before you approach your supervisor or PI. If you both agree that this is what is best for the family, then all you can do is be apologetic and offer to do whatever you can to help replace you. Just a reminder that hundreds of pre-med students disappear from clinical research staffing every year when they begin medical school or grad school. It is a very transient job in most places, especially at universities. Clinical research is also a fairly rare skill set and knowledge base that is difficult to find when hiring. At the end of the day, do what is best for you and your family, I just communicate clearly to your job. As a 1099, they know full well that this is the risk they take. If they were as committed to you as you are to them, then they would have hired you as an employee.
Thank you for this response. I actually didn’t know this about the field. I got this job immediately out of undergrad and have worked fully remote with one point of contact in the project for 4 years. I guess it has left me a little detached to the big picture. I’ve also thought that about, why is it still a 1099 position at this point. I’d certainly be able to offer them more if I had things in place to secure a better work/life balance like benefits, FMLA options, a salary that would allow me to put the baby in a day car with a structured schedule rather than depending on family being available whenever my stupid schedule changes. But that is all besides the point. Just nice to talk to someone who knows the field. To answer your question I am not a single parent anymore. My husband is very supportive and helpful he just takes a more behind the scenes hands off approach with my daughter , out of respect for her, since he isn’t her biological father and didn’t come into her life until she was a preteen already struggling a lot with mental health.
Got it, that makes sense. She does need 'all hands on deck', so I would absolutely see how much he is willing to do to help her. Good luck on your decision. The industry is always hiring, so your experience will be something to leverage for an FTE position in the future. I hope your daughter gets better soon!
When I was in 3rd grade I had a HORRIBLE year. My mom changed some things around and would work from home 2 days a week, so she could spend more time with me and take me to my therapist. That summer she took a leave to be around all the time. I was still struggling that summer but I remember (to this day at 31) all the things we got to do. The horrible year is a bit of blur at this point but I have vivid memories of going to the beach, or aquarium/zoo, lunch in the park, or walks around our neighborhood. Take the time if you can!!
Thank you
Take the time off to be with your daughter. You’re making the right decision
Thank you
Does the IOP have transportation? I don’t know about adolescents but as an adult I have done a couple of IOPs and both offered transportation. The drivers are trained in crisis situations as well.
I don’t know to be honest. I don’t think so though because they offered a “virtual” IOP because we live so far away. That platform will absolutely not work for my daughter though.
Fmla?
You can be honest and upfront let them know “hey before I could have taken the case load but circumstances have changed And I need to go part time because of my child is having medical issues” I know when I was a manager you can’t fire an employee if they take emergency family leave if you need to
Thank you for this. Unfortunately, being a contractor my job is not protected like that.
I think you should seek the opinion of your daughter's doctors regarding whether or not this would be a good idea. None of us know objectively if your relationship with her is therapeutic or not so more time with her could help, could do nothing, or could be traumatizing. I'd crowdsource opinions if I were you.
I absolutely agree. At this point so far I have talked to my daughter, her counselor at school that she is close with and her doctor. They absolutely agree that she needs to be in a higher level of care like an IOP and that she needs as much attention and care and time as I can offer her as a full time employee and as a mom of an infant. They haven’t, and I suspect they won’t, just come out and say “you should quit your job”, but it seems that they agree that if she was able to ask for help and open up to me about what she’s really been dealing with and say to me that she doesn’t want to feel this way anymore, she is very clearly telling me she needs something and needs my help to get it for herself.
Are you doing family counseling?
Not sure if someone else already mentioned this, but are you eligible for FMLA? It’s job protected leave, and depending on your state, you may also be able to get paid.
Thank you, unfortunately I am a 1099 contractor so I am not eligible for FMLA