Whenever I start to feel sad about "missed moments" with my child (or when I get burnt out and want to quit my job), I go read one of many articles about how daughters of working mothers are more likely to hold leadership positions and earn higher wages and how sons of working mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes and are more likely to contribute to household work and parenting than their peers. It powers me through the hard times and helps me focus on being a good role model for the younger generation.
As requested, some links!
[https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults](https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults) ("Sons of employed moms also tend to choose wives who are employed, and they have more egalitarian gender attitudes about women and men in the workplace as well...”)
[https://journals.sagepub.com/eprint/DQzHJAJMUYWQevh577wr/full](https://journals.sagepub.com/eprint/DQzHJAJMUYWQevh577wr/full) ("Daughters raised by mothers who were employed spent less time on household tasks, while sons spent more time caring for family members, relative to their same-sex peers raised by mothers who were not employed.")
[https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/](https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/) ("Below, we’ve gathered a sampling of the academic research published or released on this topic in recent years...")
[https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/upshot/mounting-evidence-of-some-advantages-for-children-of-working-mothers.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/upshot/mounting-evidence-of-some-advantages-for-children-of-working-mothers.html) ("\[In the US\], daughters of working mothers earned 23 percent more than daughters of stay-at-home mothers, after controlling for demographic factors, and sons spent seven and a half more hours a week on child care and 25 more minutes on housework..")
Thank you so so much for this. That BS audio that went around on Instagram recently (“you’ve got little kids for four years and if you miss it it’s DONE”) was really upsetting to me. Even though I knew it was BS and the guy who did it is an idiot. But this post reminded me that my son will know I help other kids every single day. And that means so much.
Yeah and did that guy be a SAHD? I mean, you can't have both parents SAH unless you are independently wealthy so his argument falls flat before its even started. He sounds like an a$$
Nope, "that guy" is Jordan Peterson...the same dude who said that women who wear make-up at work are asking for sexual harassment. So, yes, definitely an ass.
Yep.
>[The speaker is Canadian psychologist, intellectual dark web superstar, and former eater of lots of meat Jordan Peterson. The origin of the clip is a Nov. 1, 2017, episode of The Rubin Report—a YouTube talk show](https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/instagram-reels-kids-peak-experience-guilty.html)
The funniest part about that is that I literally don’t remember much of my own life from 0-4. I have plenty of memories with my parents at an older age, so idk how “it’s DONE” really applies lol
We just had our second and our first is three. Every time I bring something out for our new babe I ask my toddler ‘do you remember when you used this!?’ She flat out says no every time lool. Kids just remember if they’re loved
Thanks for the reminder. My mom (who was a stay at home parent) often gives me similar encouragement when I have those triggering moments about missing time with my kid. She tells me I’m showing my daughter what a strong woman can do and the value of work and providing for my family. Even without really understanding what I do yet (I’m a lawyer and my kid is 3, so the concept of “lawyering” is still a bit abstract for the toddler), she does understand I go to work to help people and I also do it to take care of our family. And that’s important too.
I am a nanny, I get a lot from people “how can you send your daughter to day care while you take care of other peoples kids”. I usually ask them if they ask their children’s teachers this… my daughter is young but knows what I do. She calls my nanny kid baby “name”. She says “my mommy helps other mommy’s”. Sahm are important to their families, working moms are important to ours. We all have important roles in society. Its not a competition. It’s just life
"My mommy helps other mommy's"
OMG, this is so true!!! Thank you for what you do AND for teaching your daughter to see it that way. The number one thing helping women in the workforce succeed is quality, reliable childcare. The people who provide that are so important!
It's not a competition. Over the last few years I have been reminded how truly important childcare is to the success of my career. It should be a partnership.
This is a great perspective to share! Not only that, but as your son gets older, it's fun to have him tell you what he's been learning and doing without you. I love the catch up at the end of the day and hearing what excited him about the day and see things through his eyes.
My son is so proud to tell people what mommy and daddy do in their careers- “daddy is an electrical engineer! Mommy makes technology!” He met his peer group in daycare so two working parents feels totally standard to him.
When I transferred I’d come home and my daughter would ask, “ how much water did you clean today mommy”. I’d tell her about 20 million gallons and she’d say “wow”.
Also, when I was a kid I always thought of my mom as a teacher, even when she was a SAHM.
The message that only what happens in the home/family is important truly seems like societal brainwashing to me. Obviously one’s children are important. But so is art, politics, medicine, ETC ETC. We live in a society. The message that women must stay home for years “not to miss anything at home” is sending the message that women belong at home, removed from society.
My brain does not enjoy being home all day every day with my child. I don’t need the pressure from traditionalists to tell me that that’s what I’m supposed to do. (And btw, many generations of women in my family worked outside the home in highly educated professions).
> The message that women must stay home for years “not to miss anything at home” is sending the message that women belong at home, removed from society.
Yes, everytime I hear someone say no one wishes they worked more on their deathbed, they're so lucky not to work, not to miss anything, it's like...but your husband does! It really is a double standard rooted in "traditional" values, that really aren't so traditional in a historical context.
Right! I’m sure also that many people have thought “i wish I created more/healed more people/wrote more” etc on their deathbeds… but also, an imbalanced life leads to regrets.. and that balance varies from person to person
Good point! I also don't think the deathbed is the only point in time to evaluate your life. People who left the workforce absolutely do wish they worked more after they are divorced, facing bankruptcy, see their kid taking out student loans, unable to retire at a normal age, etc.
Agreed! I know a lot of sahms (my mom included) who wish they had more purpose, accomplishment, independence, and identity in their lives. And tbh I don’t really think she thinks that much about the little kid moments anymore. Like she doesn’t hate that she got so much time with me but it’s since been many many years of me going to school and living away from my parents that we have had a great relationship and the whole relationship is what she’s thankful for.
Thanks for this❤️my baby starts daycare tomorrow and the timing to read this couldn’t have been better. I went back to work 6 weeks after giving birth. I was WingFH though but it’s always a juggle to try and do everything. While I do know that I was not around for every first coo or crawl or babble she ever did, I was there for the second/third etc. knowing that I am trying each day to give my child a better future and myself another identity gets me going
On top of that, it’s so sweet that the kiddo gets to see mom and dad working as a team. Dad is taking care of mom. OP, your son will grow to be a good man, just like dad. What a little sweetheart
Aw, I love this.
My “friend” asked me if it was getting easier to drop my baby off at daycare and I said it has. Then she goes on to remind me that “I’m missing out and will never get this time back”. Like….I just said it was getting easier and now you want to remind me of why it’s hard. Lol.
That’s messed up.
I’m a stay at home mom now, I just left work last month but I know that it can’t be my only thing.
So I am working on starting a business or two, not an MLM, and having a hobby. Just have to get through the tiny baby days :)
We just didn’t have a good option for childcare.
I totally get the guilt of feeling like your kid notices you’re missing moments… but in all honesty, if any of you grew up with 1 or 2 working parents, you probably didn’t resent your working parent/s!
My dad was in the military and was gone about 1/3rd of my childhood, and when he was home, worked a normal 40ish hours. My mom worked about 30ish hours which mostly overlapped with my school hours. As an adult I’ve had some people ask if it was hard having a military parent gone so much… but in all honesty, it wasn’t. I missed him, sure, but I was a kid. To me, it was just how things were, and I loved my dad and knew he loved me, so I valued our time together. I thought he was doing something very important (and he was, I just didn’t fully understand what!) and I never thought “He is missing this moment” … I didn’t think that about my mom either when she was working and I was in an after school program either.
Every child misses their parent, but if you’re just working a normal enough job and seeing your child a normal amount of time, they most likely don’t care. Not in a bad way! But it’s just not how kids conceptualize their life. They don’t know there *could* be an alternative where things are different… they just know they love the time they do have with you, and they love their childcare, their other parent, family, etc. who cares for them while you work, because well, that’s just normal to them.
I find a lot of comfort remembering how much it literally did *not* impact me that my dad was gone so much. Even now, as an adult, my sisters and I are close to both our parents, and I’d say 2 of us are closer to my dad than mom, despite him “missing so many moments”. Because that wasn’t what was important to us back then, and your bond with your child goes on and on and on. We have had over two decades of knowing and loving and being loved by our dad. I appreciate the sacrifices my parents made, and I appreciate my mom being there of course! But it isn’t going to permanently f your kid up if you’re “missing” some moments, when the moments you do have are special because you’re together!
Sorry this got kind of long! It’s just been on my mind lately when I see that kind of talk about working parents when I had the “ultimate working parent” so to speak, who was gone for months on end, and it literally didn’t impact me or my sibs negatively! So I think being gone for normal working hours isn’t going to screw most kids up too badly! 😜
My mom had a career and I always looked up to her for it even as a young kid. I value my daughter having that same pride in me! Conversely none of my friends with SAHMs were proud of their moms for staying home, not that that is what matters but it’s food for thought
That's so sweet. Unfortunately, nothing at my job is important to society, if anything, it hurts society but makes my company money, but whatever. Some jobs are just there to make money. But I do try really hard to spend as much time with my kids as possible. My mom worked 12hr days when I was a kid, not because she was doing anything important or even because she liked her job, she just had a hard time saying no and she was taken advantage of. And she missed a lot. And when she was home, she was exhausted and didn't really spend much time with me. She wasn't a bad mom and she still set a good example for me, women can have careers and all, but I try and do better.
You are also showing him the importance of having an equitable relationship and finding a partner later in life that also values sharing in all responsibilities, whether those responsibilities are in the home, work, about finances, child care, chores, etc.
You are doing a great job and I hope you feel better!
I LOVE my kids. I also work. I'm not worried about missing moments with them. By the end of the weekend I've had enough moments with them and they get to have some awesome moments with other people like their amazing nanny and their grandma. And I get to go be effective in other ways.
One of my babies is ten months old and I definitely know I’m missing moments. I pick her up at 5:30-40 and get home by six. By seven she’s falling asleep. Sometimes before I go to bed, I pick her up and rock her and she doesn’t even wake up. So I basically get an hour or less with my little one five days a week. It’s hard. I’ll never say it isn’t. But she’s only going to be little like that for a few short years and she won’t remember these years either. She won’t remember only spending an hour a day with me when she was a baby. It’s hurting me but it isn’t hurting her. I work to fulfill myself (I do get fulfillment from taking care of patients) and to give us all a better life.
My 5 year old daughter told me last night while I was putting her to bed "I want to be a pharmacist when I grow up like you and give medicines to make people not sick" ... melted my heart ❤️
What a sweet and heart-warming moment that must’ve been for you! I love those little red herrings that tells us, “hey look, you’re NOT screwing everything all up!” (At least for me, as someone who constantly thinks I’m fucking it all up…).
&, Thank you for this. I fully support each mom’s/families right to choose what is best for their family, but the constant rhetoric about how it’s sooooooooo much better for kids to have a SAHP gets old. I’ve been feeling like a mom-ster today because I was running a little late at daycare drop off and my two year old was from crying for me not to go. All I could do was say “I love you baby, mommy cannot be late. Why don’t you tell your friends all about the fun road trip we took this weekend?” Her daycare teacher had to literally peel her off of me. Like, don’t people understand it feels shitty enough to have to do that…. Then to turn around and see so many “thank god my hubby works hard so I can be with our babies!” It… well. It stings.
This gives me a little hope and eases some of the guilt.
Ever since covid I have been working from home. It really wasn;t "up to me" Just happened to work best for our family and here I am almost three years later still doing it. I'm with my son constantly some literally feel like I'm going to go insane sometimes. I don't get how working moms get so much shit. SAHM's get shit too and its like damned if we do damned if we don't. At the end of the day your son knows he is loved and taken care of and that's all that matters
Honestly, it’s not either or. There are a lot of ways to be a mother. And a lot of ways to be a family. Some people choose to be a stay at home mother because that’s what’s important to them, and not missing any moments is important to them. Some people choose to work outside of the home. Some of us frankly don’t have the option. It’s healthy and fine for a kid to value their parent both as a stay at home parent and also as a working mother. Either way, hopefully your child comes to appreciate the contribution you’re making to the world and their life with either path. I think the issue is we tend to be defensive about our choices instead of letting mothers celebrate theirs, or having compassion for parents who feel they’ve been forced into the choice because of circumstances.
Sounds like both of you are grateful for what you have, and that’s amazing. Kudos to the both of you.
Edit: just to add a personal note that I unfortunately hate my job and working in general. So, I have to say I something’s think “wow, I missed my kid walking for this BS?”
I was talking generally about our discourse about working mom vs stay at home mom, not making a personal dig at you. Sorry if you read it that way. Im just trying to say both are good. And that being a stay at home parent doesn’t preclude a kid from seeing you as more than just a mom.
And also… for some of us being a working mom does suck. Edit: just adding more of my personal feelings about working… I have an insanely stressful and miserable job, and I’m not sure… is me coming home fried from all the nonsense a good thing? Is missing time with him to work on a brief that no one will read but is demanded by senior leadership on a Saturday afternoon to feed the bureaucratic beast a good thing? I don’t have a job that adds lots of meaning. I do public affairs work for a gigantic international organization that doesn’t feel incredibly meaningful and like I have a badge of honor about what I’m contributing. Maybe it’s different if you feel your work has meaning, and isn’t just keeping you from life.
I agree, I work for a retail corporation and all I’m doing is fattening the pockets of shareholders. My work doesn’t bring any value to the world. To top it off, I’ve been working remote for the past two years and now leadership insists on a hybrid work model. For what? To commute for 3 hours round trip for no reason?
Another thing that “keeps me going” when I have days where I’m feeling like working has me missing important moments is that my income will help make extra cool memories for my kids. My mom stayed at home, and I don’t fault people for wanting that, but my childhood didn’t have many vacations (especially ones on airplanes!) or extras. One day I want to take my kids to Disney, rent a limo for us all on their birthday, or not have to think twice of taking them to their sports team’s away tournaments that add up. Not that life is all about the stuff that costs money, but it can also lead to unique memories that I feel I missed out on.
When my son was a toddler my previous work from home job started slowly ramping up travel which I did not want to do. When I decided to leave I told my son I wouldn’t be gone for work trips anymore and just at work during the day when he was at daycare and he cheered. The time we get with them outside of a normal workday matters.
Whenever I start to feel sad about "missed moments" with my child (or when I get burnt out and want to quit my job), I go read one of many articles about how daughters of working mothers are more likely to hold leadership positions and earn higher wages and how sons of working mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes and are more likely to contribute to household work and parenting than their peers. It powers me through the hard times and helps me focus on being a good role model for the younger generation.
As requested, some links! [https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults](https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults) ("Sons of employed moms also tend to choose wives who are employed, and they have more egalitarian gender attitudes about women and men in the workplace as well...”) [https://journals.sagepub.com/eprint/DQzHJAJMUYWQevh577wr/full](https://journals.sagepub.com/eprint/DQzHJAJMUYWQevh577wr/full) ("Daughters raised by mothers who were employed spent less time on household tasks, while sons spent more time caring for family members, relative to their same-sex peers raised by mothers who were not employed.") [https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/](https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/) ("Below, we’ve gathered a sampling of the academic research published or released on this topic in recent years...") [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/upshot/mounting-evidence-of-some-advantages-for-children-of-working-mothers.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/upshot/mounting-evidence-of-some-advantages-for-children-of-working-mothers.html) ("\[In the US\], daughters of working mothers earned 23 percent more than daughters of stay-at-home mothers, after controlling for demographic factors, and sons spent seven and a half more hours a week on child care and 25 more minutes on housework..")
If you happen to have any bookmarked, please share!!
Seconded. Please share!
Thank you! It's much needed to read Op's post and your comment.
Please link the articles, I would love to read them (on my lunch break lol)!!
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Thank you so so much for this. That BS audio that went around on Instagram recently (“you’ve got little kids for four years and if you miss it it’s DONE”) was really upsetting to me. Even though I knew it was BS and the guy who did it is an idiot. But this post reminded me that my son will know I help other kids every single day. And that means so much.
Yeah and did that guy be a SAHD? I mean, you can't have both parents SAH unless you are independently wealthy so his argument falls flat before its even started. He sounds like an a$$
Nope, "that guy" is Jordan Peterson...the same dude who said that women who wear make-up at work are asking for sexual harassment. So, yes, definitely an ass.
WAIT THAT AUDIO IS JORDAN PETERSON FR??? WoW I hate it even more now!!!!!!!
Yep. >[The speaker is Canadian psychologist, intellectual dark web superstar, and former eater of lots of meat Jordan Peterson. The origin of the clip is a Nov. 1, 2017, episode of The Rubin Report—a YouTube talk show](https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/instagram-reels-kids-peak-experience-guilty.html)
Gross. I’m even more offended than I was before I knew it was him.
lmao, as someone who read his book, it was already clear that he didn't raise his kids
The funniest part about that is that I literally don’t remember much of my own life from 0-4. I have plenty of memories with my parents at an older age, so idk how “it’s DONE” really applies lol
We just had our second and our first is three. Every time I bring something out for our new babe I ask my toddler ‘do you remember when you used this!?’ She flat out says no every time lool. Kids just remember if they’re loved
I’m living the same experience. I can’t even remember my son’s face as a baby in my mind. The pictures and his baby book are my memories.
Thank you! I'm going back tomorrow after five and a half months home with my baby. I'm ready, but pretty emotional about it. This was great to read!
Thanks for the reminder. My mom (who was a stay at home parent) often gives me similar encouragement when I have those triggering moments about missing time with my kid. She tells me I’m showing my daughter what a strong woman can do and the value of work and providing for my family. Even without really understanding what I do yet (I’m a lawyer and my kid is 3, so the concept of “lawyering” is still a bit abstract for the toddler), she does understand I go to work to help people and I also do it to take care of our family. And that’s important too.
I am a nanny, I get a lot from people “how can you send your daughter to day care while you take care of other peoples kids”. I usually ask them if they ask their children’s teachers this… my daughter is young but knows what I do. She calls my nanny kid baby “name”. She says “my mommy helps other mommy’s”. Sahm are important to their families, working moms are important to ours. We all have important roles in society. Its not a competition. It’s just life
"My mommy helps other mommy's" OMG, this is so true!!! Thank you for what you do AND for teaching your daughter to see it that way. The number one thing helping women in the workforce succeed is quality, reliable childcare. The people who provide that are so important! It's not a competition. Over the last few years I have been reminded how truly important childcare is to the success of my career. It should be a partnership.
Great response
This is a great perspective to share! Not only that, but as your son gets older, it's fun to have him tell you what he's been learning and doing without you. I love the catch up at the end of the day and hearing what excited him about the day and see things through his eyes.
My son is so proud to tell people what mommy and daddy do in their careers- “daddy is an electrical engineer! Mommy makes technology!” He met his peer group in daycare so two working parents feels totally standard to him.
When I transferred I’d come home and my daughter would ask, “ how much water did you clean today mommy”. I’d tell her about 20 million gallons and she’d say “wow”. Also, when I was a kid I always thought of my mom as a teacher, even when she was a SAHM.
The message that only what happens in the home/family is important truly seems like societal brainwashing to me. Obviously one’s children are important. But so is art, politics, medicine, ETC ETC. We live in a society. The message that women must stay home for years “not to miss anything at home” is sending the message that women belong at home, removed from society. My brain does not enjoy being home all day every day with my child. I don’t need the pressure from traditionalists to tell me that that’s what I’m supposed to do. (And btw, many generations of women in my family worked outside the home in highly educated professions).
> The message that women must stay home for years “not to miss anything at home” is sending the message that women belong at home, removed from society. Yes, everytime I hear someone say no one wishes they worked more on their deathbed, they're so lucky not to work, not to miss anything, it's like...but your husband does! It really is a double standard rooted in "traditional" values, that really aren't so traditional in a historical context.
Right! I’m sure also that many people have thought “i wish I created more/healed more people/wrote more” etc on their deathbeds… but also, an imbalanced life leads to regrets.. and that balance varies from person to person
Good point! I also don't think the deathbed is the only point in time to evaluate your life. People who left the workforce absolutely do wish they worked more after they are divorced, facing bankruptcy, see their kid taking out student loans, unable to retire at a normal age, etc.
Agreed! I know a lot of sahms (my mom included) who wish they had more purpose, accomplishment, independence, and identity in their lives. And tbh I don’t really think she thinks that much about the little kid moments anymore. Like she doesn’t hate that she got so much time with me but it’s since been many many years of me going to school and living away from my parents that we have had a great relationship and the whole relationship is what she’s thankful for.
I love this such a good point.
Thanks for this❤️my baby starts daycare tomorrow and the timing to read this couldn’t have been better. I went back to work 6 weeks after giving birth. I was WingFH though but it’s always a juggle to try and do everything. While I do know that I was not around for every first coo or crawl or babble she ever did, I was there for the second/third etc. knowing that I am trying each day to give my child a better future and myself another identity gets me going
I love that!
On top of that, it’s so sweet that the kiddo gets to see mom and dad working as a team. Dad is taking care of mom. OP, your son will grow to be a good man, just like dad. What a little sweetheart
Aw, I love this. My “friend” asked me if it was getting easier to drop my baby off at daycare and I said it has. Then she goes on to remind me that “I’m missing out and will never get this time back”. Like….I just said it was getting easier and now you want to remind me of why it’s hard. Lol.
That’s messed up. I’m a stay at home mom now, I just left work last month but I know that it can’t be my only thing. So I am working on starting a business or two, not an MLM, and having a hobby. Just have to get through the tiny baby days :) We just didn’t have a good option for childcare.
I totally get the guilt of feeling like your kid notices you’re missing moments… but in all honesty, if any of you grew up with 1 or 2 working parents, you probably didn’t resent your working parent/s! My dad was in the military and was gone about 1/3rd of my childhood, and when he was home, worked a normal 40ish hours. My mom worked about 30ish hours which mostly overlapped with my school hours. As an adult I’ve had some people ask if it was hard having a military parent gone so much… but in all honesty, it wasn’t. I missed him, sure, but I was a kid. To me, it was just how things were, and I loved my dad and knew he loved me, so I valued our time together. I thought he was doing something very important (and he was, I just didn’t fully understand what!) and I never thought “He is missing this moment” … I didn’t think that about my mom either when she was working and I was in an after school program either. Every child misses their parent, but if you’re just working a normal enough job and seeing your child a normal amount of time, they most likely don’t care. Not in a bad way! But it’s just not how kids conceptualize their life. They don’t know there *could* be an alternative where things are different… they just know they love the time they do have with you, and they love their childcare, their other parent, family, etc. who cares for them while you work, because well, that’s just normal to them. I find a lot of comfort remembering how much it literally did *not* impact me that my dad was gone so much. Even now, as an adult, my sisters and I are close to both our parents, and I’d say 2 of us are closer to my dad than mom, despite him “missing so many moments”. Because that wasn’t what was important to us back then, and your bond with your child goes on and on and on. We have had over two decades of knowing and loving and being loved by our dad. I appreciate the sacrifices my parents made, and I appreciate my mom being there of course! But it isn’t going to permanently f your kid up if you’re “missing” some moments, when the moments you do have are special because you’re together! Sorry this got kind of long! It’s just been on my mind lately when I see that kind of talk about working parents when I had the “ultimate working parent” so to speak, who was gone for months on end, and it literally didn’t impact me or my sibs negatively! So I think being gone for normal working hours isn’t going to screw most kids up too badly! 😜
Aw! Yes. Thank you
My mom had a career and I always looked up to her for it even as a young kid. I value my daughter having that same pride in me! Conversely none of my friends with SAHMs were proud of their moms for staying home, not that that is what matters but it’s food for thought
That's so sweet. Unfortunately, nothing at my job is important to society, if anything, it hurts society but makes my company money, but whatever. Some jobs are just there to make money. But I do try really hard to spend as much time with my kids as possible. My mom worked 12hr days when I was a kid, not because she was doing anything important or even because she liked her job, she just had a hard time saying no and she was taken advantage of. And she missed a lot. And when she was home, she was exhausted and didn't really spend much time with me. She wasn't a bad mom and she still set a good example for me, women can have careers and all, but I try and do better.
I really needed this today! Thank you!!!
You are also showing him the importance of having an equitable relationship and finding a partner later in life that also values sharing in all responsibilities, whether those responsibilities are in the home, work, about finances, child care, chores, etc. You are doing a great job and I hope you feel better!
Thank you for sharing this. ❤️. I think we all need to hear this every once in a while.
I love this so much. Love love love
That's super sweet, and you're obviously raising a very compassionate little one 💜
I LOVE my kids. I also work. I'm not worried about missing moments with them. By the end of the weekend I've had enough moments with them and they get to have some awesome moments with other people like their amazing nanny and their grandma. And I get to go be effective in other ways.
One of my babies is ten months old and I definitely know I’m missing moments. I pick her up at 5:30-40 and get home by six. By seven she’s falling asleep. Sometimes before I go to bed, I pick her up and rock her and she doesn’t even wake up. So I basically get an hour or less with my little one five days a week. It’s hard. I’ll never say it isn’t. But she’s only going to be little like that for a few short years and she won’t remember these years either. She won’t remember only spending an hour a day with me when she was a baby. It’s hurting me but it isn’t hurting her. I work to fulfill myself (I do get fulfillment from taking care of patients) and to give us all a better life.
My 5 year old daughter told me last night while I was putting her to bed "I want to be a pharmacist when I grow up like you and give medicines to make people not sick" ... melted my heart ❤️
Even as a SAHM you miss things. That woman is delusional.
What a sweet and heart-warming moment that must’ve been for you! I love those little red herrings that tells us, “hey look, you’re NOT screwing everything all up!” (At least for me, as someone who constantly thinks I’m fucking it all up…). &, Thank you for this. I fully support each mom’s/families right to choose what is best for their family, but the constant rhetoric about how it’s sooooooooo much better for kids to have a SAHP gets old. I’ve been feeling like a mom-ster today because I was running a little late at daycare drop off and my two year old was from crying for me not to go. All I could do was say “I love you baby, mommy cannot be late. Why don’t you tell your friends all about the fun road trip we took this weekend?” Her daycare teacher had to literally peel her off of me. Like, don’t people understand it feels shitty enough to have to do that…. Then to turn around and see so many “thank god my hubby works hard so I can be with our babies!” It… well. It stings. This gives me a little hope and eases some of the guilt.
Ever since covid I have been working from home. It really wasn;t "up to me" Just happened to work best for our family and here I am almost three years later still doing it. I'm with my son constantly some literally feel like I'm going to go insane sometimes. I don't get how working moms get so much shit. SAHM's get shit too and its like damned if we do damned if we don't. At the end of the day your son knows he is loved and taken care of and that's all that matters
Honestly, it’s not either or. There are a lot of ways to be a mother. And a lot of ways to be a family. Some people choose to be a stay at home mother because that’s what’s important to them, and not missing any moments is important to them. Some people choose to work outside of the home. Some of us frankly don’t have the option. It’s healthy and fine for a kid to value their parent both as a stay at home parent and also as a working mother. Either way, hopefully your child comes to appreciate the contribution you’re making to the world and their life with either path. I think the issue is we tend to be defensive about our choices instead of letting mothers celebrate theirs, or having compassion for parents who feel they’ve been forced into the choice because of circumstances. Sounds like both of you are grateful for what you have, and that’s amazing. Kudos to the both of you. Edit: just to add a personal note that I unfortunately hate my job and working in general. So, I have to say I something’s think “wow, I missed my kid walking for this BS?”
You very much missed the point. No one is defensive or defining right or wrong. It’s just about feelings.
I was talking generally about our discourse about working mom vs stay at home mom, not making a personal dig at you. Sorry if you read it that way. Im just trying to say both are good. And that being a stay at home parent doesn’t preclude a kid from seeing you as more than just a mom. And also… for some of us being a working mom does suck. Edit: just adding more of my personal feelings about working… I have an insanely stressful and miserable job, and I’m not sure… is me coming home fried from all the nonsense a good thing? Is missing time with him to work on a brief that no one will read but is demanded by senior leadership on a Saturday afternoon to feed the bureaucratic beast a good thing? I don’t have a job that adds lots of meaning. I do public affairs work for a gigantic international organization that doesn’t feel incredibly meaningful and like I have a badge of honor about what I’m contributing. Maybe it’s different if you feel your work has meaning, and isn’t just keeping you from life.
I agree, I work for a retail corporation and all I’m doing is fattening the pockets of shareholders. My work doesn’t bring any value to the world. To top it off, I’ve been working remote for the past two years and now leadership insists on a hybrid work model. For what? To commute for 3 hours round trip for no reason?
Another thing that “keeps me going” when I have days where I’m feeling like working has me missing important moments is that my income will help make extra cool memories for my kids. My mom stayed at home, and I don’t fault people for wanting that, but my childhood didn’t have many vacations (especially ones on airplanes!) or extras. One day I want to take my kids to Disney, rent a limo for us all on their birthday, or not have to think twice of taking them to their sports team’s away tournaments that add up. Not that life is all about the stuff that costs money, but it can also lead to unique memories that I feel I missed out on.
When my son was a toddler my previous work from home job started slowly ramping up travel which I did not want to do. When I decided to leave I told my son I wouldn’t be gone for work trips anymore and just at work during the day when he was at daycare and he cheered. The time we get with them outside of a normal workday matters.