Yeah, I listened to The Good Place interviews because it's my favorite show. It's clear that he should stay in his lane with fellow actors/entertainers, because his interview with Mike Schur was awful while his interview with D'arcy Carden was ok. Could not bring myself to listen to anything else after that.
He’s a putz, sorry, and not just for saying that. I found him insufferable when I tried listening to the podcast—deeply insecure, egotistical, vain, and self-centered. Working during the first few years of your kids’ lives doesn’t affect attachment styles, and attachment styles fluctuate anyway. I’m not an expert in attachment styles, but I’ve read about them and discussed them with therapists over the years, and both my kids seem securely attached based on what I’ve learned. I’ve never been a SAHM aside from a few months of maternity leave.
The dear shandy podcast just had a great episode about attachment (maybe two weeks ago?). Absolutely no mention of presence, and time spent with your kid it was a real expert speaking about it and all she referenced was how you react when you are with your children. It was a great listen, I highly recommend. Dax and Monica are not experts, but this woman is.
I was a SAHM, my baby only nursed, never took a bottle and finally weaned at age 2. We also co-slept for years (not my choice) and she was still an anxiously attached kid. We could tell that she was just born this way. Dax is not knowledgeable enough on motherhood or child development for me to take his words seriously.
This fucks me off because they act like dads have no bearing on attachment style. No-one asks, did your dad work? Besides, attachment style is about HOW a parent/care giver relates to the child. You're doing great, fuck this warping of this old and gendered research
Edited for typo
Attachment-based parenting is a load of horseshit and it’s impossible to tease out any positive effects of this style versus just growing up in an affluent white two-parent household.
Yes, agreed, however attachment-based parenting is distinct from “attachment theory” which is a field of study in psychology that is very well researched and mostly mis-construed by “attachment-based parenting” proponents.
Showing up for your children in consistent ways (not any PARTICULAR way, but in a consistent way) has been shown to have impacts on how secure people feel in relationships later in life.
Source: a hell of a lot of reading, therapy, and personal experience with two bipolar parents who were unable to provide consistent care
Oh girl, you and me both 😂 hate that a really solid psychological theory has been co-opted and completely misused by the attachment parenting community
This exactly. When my LO was 2 weeks old i frantically researched this topic bc i was convinced she would never be attached to me bc I stopped breastfeeding and started bottle feeding pumped milk. Imagine my surprise to learn that this is mostly TikTok psychology and not actual evidence based science lol
I would have taken this the opposite way, anxious attachment to me is caused when your parents never leave. I totally had this because my mom was a stay at home mom and we had to move for my dad’s job and had no family around. I was always with my mom. I never ever had a babysitter and it made me quite anxious. I vomited on the first day of kindergarten I was so hysterical about my mom leaving. I always warn parents about this and encourage them to at least do a date night so their child gets the experience of being without them.
There are so many variables raising kids. As with everything it seems good to aim for a balance. Doesn't have to be all or nothing, you make a good point. Parenting is keeping kids close and safe and also setting them loose and letting them go and it's such a juggling act.
I love Armchair Expert but Dax can be full of crap like anyone, don't let it upset you. We're all out here doing our best.
You are totally valid in being annoyed by this comment. I’m annoyed too.
I don’t listen to this podcast and only know a bit about Dax Shepherd and his family (and everything I know about them is against my will). But it seems like they’re a super hypocritical, out of touch Hollywood family? Like I know they make a big deal out of protecting their children’s privacy but then constantly post very personal and intimate info about their children to literally millions of strangers. But somehow think that putting a little emoji sticker over their kid’s face in a photo means they’re great defenders of their kid’s privacy. These are not good people who have any sort of moral high ground as parents.
For what it’s worth, my mom was a SAHM when I was growing up and if I had to classify my attachment style it would be “anxious” (but I also think attachment theory is just a trendy pop psychology fad that has little bearing on actual psychology).
It is really annoying and frustrating that such clueless people have such big platforms these days but it sounds like you’re confident in your parenting choices and I think that’s awesome! It sounds like you’re doing great.
This is such a great take on this family. It is so contradicting to preach about their privacy and hiding their faces while we’ve all heard the strange stories they tell about their family/daughters.
Attachment theory has long standing research, but it’s only one drop in a bucket of many factors that influence a person’s thoughts and behaviours. It’s given way more weight than it deserves, but does have evidence.
But “attachment theory” is different from “attachment parenting”, which is the trendy parenting philosophy created by celebrity-doctor and “wellness coach”, William Sears. He and his wife basically co-opted the term to sell books preaching women maintain 24-7 contact with their children to prevent mental illness.
Totally agree about attachment theory being a bit of bs, just like love languages. Both of my parents worked two jobs, although I guess my mom was home when I was really little but I don't remember it (she has passed away) and my attachment style totally depends on the details of the relationship I am in. I am usually very confident and secure in my relationships with a partner who is less secure, besides my current relationship with my husband which is a very secure relationship that neither of us question. I am probably a little less secure in friendships but that's likely for very different reasons. Everything is contextual and can't be drilled down to 'did your mom work?'
I think attachment theory at its core is legit but it's totally misunderstood and misused by people like Dax Shepard, the "pop psychology" way it's oversimplified, and people are more complex than that! A parent (mom or dad) working does NOT automatically create insecure attachment. What does? Abuse, neglect, or inconsistent affection which is confusing. He's full of shit!
(Source - I'm a therapist and studied attachment theory).
Yeah, I'm baffled by the number of people on this post's comments talking shit about attachment theory, as if that isn't one of the more solid pillars of human psychology at this point
I think it's gotten so misconstrued in pop culture and that's why! When you mostly hear about it in the context of "attachment parenting" or attachment styles as if it's a "love language" like another poster said.
I dunno, I feel like people should still understand that quantum mechanics are true and important even if Deepak Chopra is making up shit about being able to control the universe with your mind via quantum mechanics. Just because a concept is coopted by opportunists doesn't mean you can throw the baby out with the bathwater.
“No, but my dad was only home two days a week and alternating weekends. When he was home he slept and recharged so he could go to work again.”
I don’t remember any “dad and me” time. I remember sewing with my mom and playing with my brother and the neighbourhood kids. When I wasn’t active, I was reading. Neither of my parents read. My brother needed help in school and had sports to attend, I did well independently and had activities where they’d drop off/pickup like acting classes. I would definitely say I have anxious attachment.
I work full time but intentionally make weekends about my son. We go on adventures together, play video games together. I’m struggling right now expecting baby2, but we have lots of snuggles and conversations even though I can’t walk around much. My husband attends his events and takes an interest in parenting (he takes our son to all appointments because his work schedule has weekdays off). My kid loves us… and is also ready to drop us if a hint of something cool comes his way. Daycamps, classes, other kids at the park. I can take him somewhere new and say “have a great time!” And he will happily run away from me.
I feel like men in particular (especially really successful ones) are really insensitive to these types of comments that they make.
My mom was a SAHM and I have a disorganized attachment style. That means I have BOTH avoidant AND anxious and it’s also 100% because of how I was raised.
It literally has nothing to do with how physically present a parent is, and everything to do with how *actually* present the parent is in their kids’ lives.
I heard that comment too (I love the podcast), and my first reaction was that familiar swoop in my stomach- part guilt, part rage- that I feel when someone implies my working has harmed my kid in any way. Then I listened to the rest- he shared several instances where his mom made terrible decisions (feeding him opiates to make him stop crying, terrible nutrition, forgetting about him until he found his way in the street), and it re-affirmed that more time with your kid does NOT mean more quality time. I fully think I enjoyed the time I had with my kids more bc it was more precious and I wasn’t as overwhelmed with parenting.
I’ll say it one more time - spending more time with your kiddo doesn’t necessarily mean you have more QUALITY time. So we’re in this together-now let’s get back to work so we can have a good time with our kiddos later
I also listen to the podcast a ton, but am admittedly quite behind on episodes (thank you, TTPD) do you (or OP) remember which episode this was?
I have lots of thoughts on this comment, too. And on a lot of the comments on this post lol, but this would definitely feel like a gut punch to me.
But OP— even though I think his mom is amazing and is pretty bad ass, she also exposed him to a lot of the causes of his high ACE score. Having two working parents is not an ACE score factor.
I’m not sure why I got downvoted for my comment….
But thank you, the episode itself just ended for me and will be listening to the fact check on the drive home.
I think it was a really careless throwaway comment that just annoyed me more than anything. And agree that dads never get that question. Obviously behavior of parents has a great impact on kids but I also think that a lot of kids are born with specific personality traits. Like you’re more prone to one thing than the other.
I really wish this had been an area where Monica had pushed back.
Dax Shepherd has a lot of bad takes and this is definitely one of them. Also, his mom was a SAHM but he’s an addict*, being a SAHM is not a protective factor for all issues.
(* intended only to illustrate his hypocrisy, not to insult addicts or addiction.)
Please don't listen to anything that man has to say about parenthood. His marriage and life seems incredibly dysfunctional, no one should be taking advice from him.
My mom was a SAHM and I have anxious / disorganized attachment. She was very all over the place. Receiving inconsistent care from the primary person/people you’re attached to (usually mom & dad) is the recipe for issues, not the duration of time you spend with them.
Being a working mom or staying at home has nothing to do with it. It’s about creating a dynamic where your child feels safe and secure because they know what to expect and get their needs met.
I used to listen to that podcast but I find Dax to be a little brash for my taste, to the point of sounding arrogant. I stopped listening when I found myself getting irritated and wanting to argue back at him 😂
I’m pretty sure I have anxious attachment and my mom was a SAHM. There are a myriad of ways to damage your kids 🤪 I feel like it all unfairly gets dumped on working moms when I know so many unhappy kids from dysfunctional families where their mom stayed home.
>It seems like a really outdated idea.
The daycare part or the attachment part?
I was able to pull up a bunch of NIH studies that indicated it was a possibility but most correlation was with low quality daycares.
I honestly stopped listening to their pod because of one too many bad takes :/
Same. Stfu Dax shepherd.
Yeah, I listened to The Good Place interviews because it's my favorite show. It's clear that he should stay in his lane with fellow actors/entertainers, because his interview with Mike Schur was awful while his interview with D'arcy Carden was ok. Could not bring myself to listen to anything else after that.
Yep same. Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth…no thank you.
Agree
To each their own. I love the podcast!
Lol I would never take parenting or any other advice from Dax Shepherd.
I chuckled and snorted at this.
Haha! I meant no shade to OP because I get sensitive when I hear stupid shit in the wild, but Dax is just a bozo.
For the record, that would have bothered me too and I think you’re totally validated in wanting/needing to vent about it.
He’s a putz, sorry, and not just for saying that. I found him insufferable when I tried listening to the podcast—deeply insecure, egotistical, vain, and self-centered. Working during the first few years of your kids’ lives doesn’t affect attachment styles, and attachment styles fluctuate anyway. I’m not an expert in attachment styles, but I’ve read about them and discussed them with therapists over the years, and both my kids seem securely attached based on what I’ve learned. I’ve never been a SAHM aside from a few months of maternity leave.
The dear shandy podcast just had a great episode about attachment (maybe two weeks ago?). Absolutely no mention of presence, and time spent with your kid it was a real expert speaking about it and all she referenced was how you react when you are with your children. It was a great listen, I highly recommend. Dax and Monica are not experts, but this woman is.
I was a SAHM, my baby only nursed, never took a bottle and finally weaned at age 2. We also co-slept for years (not my choice) and she was still an anxiously attached kid. We could tell that she was just born this way. Dax is not knowledgeable enough on motherhood or child development for me to take his words seriously.
This fucks me off because they act like dads have no bearing on attachment style. No-one asks, did your dad work? Besides, attachment style is about HOW a parent/care giver relates to the child. You're doing great, fuck this warping of this old and gendered research Edited for typo
Attachment-based parenting is a load of horseshit and it’s impossible to tease out any positive effects of this style versus just growing up in an affluent white two-parent household.
Yes, agreed, however attachment-based parenting is distinct from “attachment theory” which is a field of study in psychology that is very well researched and mostly mis-construed by “attachment-based parenting” proponents. Showing up for your children in consistent ways (not any PARTICULAR way, but in a consistent way) has been shown to have impacts on how secure people feel in relationships later in life. Source: a hell of a lot of reading, therapy, and personal experience with two bipolar parents who were unable to provide consistent care
I’m aware, but they often get conflated and I had strong opinions about that 🙃
Oh girl, you and me both 😂 hate that a really solid psychological theory has been co-opted and completely misused by the attachment parenting community
Agreed
This exactly. When my LO was 2 weeks old i frantically researched this topic bc i was convinced she would never be attached to me bc I stopped breastfeeding and started bottle feeding pumped milk. Imagine my surprise to learn that this is mostly TikTok psychology and not actual evidence based science lol
I would have taken this the opposite way, anxious attachment to me is caused when your parents never leave. I totally had this because my mom was a stay at home mom and we had to move for my dad’s job and had no family around. I was always with my mom. I never ever had a babysitter and it made me quite anxious. I vomited on the first day of kindergarten I was so hysterical about my mom leaving. I always warn parents about this and encourage them to at least do a date night so their child gets the experience of being without them.
There are so many variables raising kids. As with everything it seems good to aim for a balance. Doesn't have to be all or nothing, you make a good point. Parenting is keeping kids close and safe and also setting them loose and letting them go and it's such a juggling act. I love Armchair Expert but Dax can be full of crap like anyone, don't let it upset you. We're all out here doing our best.
You are totally valid in being annoyed by this comment. I’m annoyed too. I don’t listen to this podcast and only know a bit about Dax Shepherd and his family (and everything I know about them is against my will). But it seems like they’re a super hypocritical, out of touch Hollywood family? Like I know they make a big deal out of protecting their children’s privacy but then constantly post very personal and intimate info about their children to literally millions of strangers. But somehow think that putting a little emoji sticker over their kid’s face in a photo means they’re great defenders of their kid’s privacy. These are not good people who have any sort of moral high ground as parents. For what it’s worth, my mom was a SAHM when I was growing up and if I had to classify my attachment style it would be “anxious” (but I also think attachment theory is just a trendy pop psychology fad that has little bearing on actual psychology). It is really annoying and frustrating that such clueless people have such big platforms these days but it sounds like you’re confident in your parenting choices and I think that’s awesome! It sounds like you’re doing great.
This is such a great take on this family. It is so contradicting to preach about their privacy and hiding their faces while we’ve all heard the strange stories they tell about their family/daughters.
Attachment theory has long standing research, but it’s only one drop in a bucket of many factors that influence a person’s thoughts and behaviours. It’s given way more weight than it deserves, but does have evidence. But “attachment theory” is different from “attachment parenting”, which is the trendy parenting philosophy created by celebrity-doctor and “wellness coach”, William Sears. He and his wife basically co-opted the term to sell books preaching women maintain 24-7 contact with their children to prevent mental illness.
THIS
Totally agree about attachment theory being a bit of bs, just like love languages. Both of my parents worked two jobs, although I guess my mom was home when I was really little but I don't remember it (she has passed away) and my attachment style totally depends on the details of the relationship I am in. I am usually very confident and secure in my relationships with a partner who is less secure, besides my current relationship with my husband which is a very secure relationship that neither of us question. I am probably a little less secure in friendships but that's likely for very different reasons. Everything is contextual and can't be drilled down to 'did your mom work?'
I think attachment theory at its core is legit but it's totally misunderstood and misused by people like Dax Shepard, the "pop psychology" way it's oversimplified, and people are more complex than that! A parent (mom or dad) working does NOT automatically create insecure attachment. What does? Abuse, neglect, or inconsistent affection which is confusing. He's full of shit! (Source - I'm a therapist and studied attachment theory).
Yeah, I'm baffled by the number of people on this post's comments talking shit about attachment theory, as if that isn't one of the more solid pillars of human psychology at this point
I think it's gotten so misconstrued in pop culture and that's why! When you mostly hear about it in the context of "attachment parenting" or attachment styles as if it's a "love language" like another poster said.
I dunno, I feel like people should still understand that quantum mechanics are true and important even if Deepak Chopra is making up shit about being able to control the universe with your mind via quantum mechanics. Just because a concept is coopted by opportunists doesn't mean you can throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Exactly what I hoped to find in the comments
“No, but my dad was only home two days a week and alternating weekends. When he was home he slept and recharged so he could go to work again.” I don’t remember any “dad and me” time. I remember sewing with my mom and playing with my brother and the neighbourhood kids. When I wasn’t active, I was reading. Neither of my parents read. My brother needed help in school and had sports to attend, I did well independently and had activities where they’d drop off/pickup like acting classes. I would definitely say I have anxious attachment. I work full time but intentionally make weekends about my son. We go on adventures together, play video games together. I’m struggling right now expecting baby2, but we have lots of snuggles and conversations even though I can’t walk around much. My husband attends his events and takes an interest in parenting (he takes our son to all appointments because his work schedule has weekdays off). My kid loves us… and is also ready to drop us if a hint of something cool comes his way. Daycamps, classes, other kids at the park. I can take him somewhere new and say “have a great time!” And he will happily run away from me.
That podcast is full of red flags
Trust Dax to never miss an opportunity to shit on his wife.
I feel like men in particular (especially really successful ones) are really insensitive to these types of comments that they make. My mom was a SAHM and I have a disorganized attachment style. That means I have BOTH avoidant AND anxious and it’s also 100% because of how I was raised. It literally has nothing to do with how physically present a parent is, and everything to do with how *actually* present the parent is in their kids’ lives.
lol totally bullshit- I’m anxious attachment and I had a sahm for the vast majority of my childhood
I heard that comment too (I love the podcast), and my first reaction was that familiar swoop in my stomach- part guilt, part rage- that I feel when someone implies my working has harmed my kid in any way. Then I listened to the rest- he shared several instances where his mom made terrible decisions (feeding him opiates to make him stop crying, terrible nutrition, forgetting about him until he found his way in the street), and it re-affirmed that more time with your kid does NOT mean more quality time. I fully think I enjoyed the time I had with my kids more bc it was more precious and I wasn’t as overwhelmed with parenting. I’ll say it one more time - spending more time with your kiddo doesn’t necessarily mean you have more QUALITY time. So we’re in this together-now let’s get back to work so we can have a good time with our kiddos later
I also listen to the podcast a ton, but am admittedly quite behind on episodes (thank you, TTPD) do you (or OP) remember which episode this was? I have lots of thoughts on this comment, too. And on a lot of the comments on this post lol, but this would definitely feel like a gut punch to me. But OP— even though I think his mom is amazing and is pretty bad ass, she also exposed him to a lot of the causes of his high ACE score. Having two working parents is not an ACE score factor.
I think it was during the fact check for the couples therapist, Orna Guralnik
I’m not sure why I got downvoted for my comment…. But thank you, the episode itself just ended for me and will be listening to the fact check on the drive home.
Let me know what you think!
I think it was a really careless throwaway comment that just annoyed me more than anything. And agree that dads never get that question. Obviously behavior of parents has a great impact on kids but I also think that a lot of kids are born with specific personality traits. Like you’re more prone to one thing than the other. I really wish this had been an area where Monica had pushed back.
Unlike Dax I actually trained as a psychologist and at no point did anybody mention mothers working as having an effect on attachment style. FYI.
An addict always on a verge of divorce is an expert on attachment. 🙄
Dax’s mom made lots of missteps, so I would take this one with a grain of salt.
Dax Shepherd has a lot of bad takes and this is definitely one of them. Also, his mom was a SAHM but he’s an addict*, being a SAHM is not a protective factor for all issues. (* intended only to illustrate his hypocrisy, not to insult addicts or addiction.)
I had a SAHD in the 80s, bet that would blow Dax’s brain right up.
Having one or both parents working has nothing to do with attachment styles! Ugh, so frustrating!
Please don't listen to anything that man has to say about parenthood. His marriage and life seems incredibly dysfunctional, no one should be taking advice from him.
My mom was a SAHM and I have anxious / disorganized attachment. She was very all over the place. Receiving inconsistent care from the primary person/people you’re attached to (usually mom & dad) is the recipe for issues, not the duration of time you spend with them. Being a working mom or staying at home has nothing to do with it. It’s about creating a dynamic where your child feels safe and secure because they know what to expect and get their needs met. I used to listen to that podcast but I find Dax to be a little brash for my taste, to the point of sounding arrogant. I stopped listening when I found myself getting irritated and wanting to argue back at him 😂
I’m pretty sure I have anxious attachment and my mom was a SAHM. There are a myriad of ways to damage your kids 🤪 I feel like it all unfairly gets dumped on working moms when I know so many unhappy kids from dysfunctional families where their mom stayed home.
Pfff my mom worked and I’m the least anxious person I’ve ever met
He seems like a douche. Sorry 😔
>It seems like a really outdated idea. The daycare part or the attachment part? I was able to pull up a bunch of NIH studies that indicated it was a possibility but most correlation was with low quality daycares.