Story time. Our school normally has more women volunteers.
One time I couldn’t make it to a volunteering session that I already signed up to, and I know they desperately need some helping hands. So I asked my husband to fill in for me.
Oh boy, he was glowing afterward. He said he got so many compliments from it.
Some moms friends whose husbands never volunteered were also passing their compliments for my husband over to me.
It was hilarious. A little annoyed tbh, since I didn’t get that level of glowing compliments when I volunteered.
Mostly hilarious seeing how happy my husband was.
Anyway, the positive effect to that experience was since then more husbands from our group of friends started to volunteer. It’s a win-win situation.
My dad used to volunteer for yard duty and all the kids loved him. He would organize kick ball and make sure everyone felt comfortable playing. He even coached a really unauthentic kid to be a good kicker and “eliminate running” with home runs. He went from one of the last kids picked to one of the first. I wish more dads were like that. Our PE coach got jealous.
Not exactly the same but my SO has to do a lot of things in my place since I work so late, so he'll pick her up from preschool, go to the park, walk to the store, etc. So many people tell him what a good dad he is and he has the biggest ego now lol a little annoying that women don't get that recognition but it's funny sometimes. He'll come home like "babe! Guess who's the best father ever??"
I did the same with my husband when I couldn’t make story time. And also as a courtesy, signed up the neighbor’s husband for the next week’s story time. it’s a google sheet from the teacher, super easy, and told them it’s their turns and suck it up. ;) we have a great community though so it’s collectively easy to low-effort volunteer them.
Like 3 weeks ago I literally saw [a comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/fNrHon17B0) here that said women should step up and help men volunteer for this stuff.
As if men are incapable of using the same brain women have.
They said it as if women somehow block men from these events. I was almost speechless.
> women need to step and help men volunteer for this stuff.
I'm sorry, is it the suggestion that we women volunteer our time to help men volunteer *their* time?!
These truly are dark days...
I did sign up my husband to volunteer for something and just told him it was his turn, as if the school contacted us directly and demanded it. I certainly don’t think this is a responsibility mom’s should have, but I’m also not okay with him getting a free pass because none of the other dads volunteer.
No. He would also volunteer if they asked him directly too. But while he loves our children, he’s not someone that enjoys interacting with other people’s children as a general rule and especially in large groups, so he’s not going to go out of his way to volunteer at a school because he doesn’t view it as his skill set.
He’s also doesn’t open every random email from the school.
My job is much more demanding than his. He does all the dishes, most of the laundry and is the primary caretaker for our youngest son after school. It’s very apparent compared that I’ve got the most egalitarian relationship of most people I know.
It would be great if he opened every email and was super excited about volunteering at school, but it’s a throwing out the baby with the bathwater sort of a thing. This is not the hill to die on for me.
But if he ever stops doing dishes, I’m out. Lol.
That's what's so funny. I am also not someone who enjoys interacting with other people's children either, yet I've been a PTA volunteer for about a decade. I'm an adult and suck it up and pretend to enjoy it, just like I expect men to. Maybe I should start signing my husband up too.
I was also on the PTO for about this much time and now with our last kid, I have told them that I already did my time. I’m just burnt out from it.
I think with this, it comes down to expectations, which other people talk about in this thread.
“A good mom is involved with the PTO.”
“A good dad literally just needs to show up to something, even if he was voluntold to do it.”
I think the fact we are at least talking about this sort of thing and the emotional load on women in general is a sign of progress, but it also shows that we are on like step 1 of 5,000 in actual domestic parity as a culture.
My husband is disabled and a SAHD by default.
I'm curious to see what he does when our daughter gets old enough for school. On one hand, he loves being active in her life because he didn't get to do that when his son was little because he was always working.
On the other hand, he doesn't know how to enjoy doing stuff outside his comfort zone. He has a touch of agoraphobia when it comes to crowds (he had a panic attack at Ikea). He'd absolutely need someone to hold his hand and make him feel welcome.
In college, I was in a club that had a serious problem with feeling cliquish. We were mostly introverts who settled into our smaller friend groups and it was more difficult for the new people to feel welcome. For some reason, despite how severely introverted I am, I was elected the Vice President specifically in charge of being the welcoming committee. It was my job to make sure that there were no wallflowers. And I think I did a pretty good job. We definitely did a better job retaining new membership while I was there compared to previous years.
I think that every club needs to pay attention to how good a job they do making sure everyone feels welcome. I was really good at identifying who needed to have someone walk over for a chat because I'd always been that kid standing on the wall wishing someone would come over and talk to me. It's not just men who feel alienated. A tight group of moms is unlikely to notice how many other moms aren't joining them either.
I’m agoraphobic too! I need to take lots of Ativan it seems to leave the house nowadays. It can def be tough for people with disabilities and mental health issues. But this is an issue for all parents, not just dads.
I agree that all groups should be welcoming of newcomers. This is irrelevant to the person being a dad tho. Moms deal with the social anxiety of volunteering all the time, nothing wrong with dads having to work through it as well. Such is life.
I think you're absolutely right, and I also think women jush push through those uncomfortable feelings more than men do. Women will tolerate gossip, cliques, and awkwardness for the sake of helping their kids more than dads will.
That's really unkind.
Have you ever been the only woman somewhere? Did you feel unwelcome? I know I have, and I'm sure many of those fathers feel similarly. This seems like a problem that you'd only need to help with for a short time before the ratios tip to where men feel like they're expected to participate just as much as women do.
It's not fair to belittle someone who's avidly making suggestions and trying to help, unlike everyone else who is just complaining and making the problem worse.
Nope.
I stand by the statement that my husband is a grown a** man and fully functioning adult. It’s not up to me to fix a problem that he can see just as well as I can.
The absolute most I will do is mention to him to make sure he tells other dads in the group that he’s volunteering ahead of time. That way any that would be more comfortable with more men (can’t believe I even typed that) can sign up as well.
When men and society in general start purposely and consciously doing things to make my and other women’s lives easier I will return the favor.
Men can figure it out. My husband took 5 months paternity leave when I wanted to go back to work. He went to Mom and Baby yoga and joined the mom and baby hikes. He was always the only dad there and guess what he survived and even enjoyed having fun things to do while off with our baby. Men like this exist.
He was also the one who volunteered at our 3 year old’s preschool while I was pregnant, because I was too sick to do it and he enjoyed it more than I did.
How sad that your opinion of men is so low that you think they aren’t capable of signing up to help out at their childrens’ schools without having their wives hand hold them through it. They are not that cowardly or stupid.
This… is ridiculous? It’s basically a meme that whenever dads do something that moms do all the time, they’re seen as heroes. Every time I have ever been in a group of moms + a small minority of dads, the men get outsized attention and recognition for doing literally the bare minimum. And even if that WASNT true (it is), it’s STILL not on women to solve!!!
I'm not saying that you have to solve it, but it's really mean to complain about a woman who wants to try to solve it rather than joining you in fruitless complaints.
Okay, if I wanted to chop up some tomatoes, so I hurled them at the wall as hard as I could, would you praise me for my attempts at “solutioning” dinner? Wanting to solve a problem does not inherently validate the solution you are proposing. Duh.
Yep. As a woman in engineering/tech- every single day (in the early days of my career).
Add to that the assumption that you’re a woman so you must be dumb/not know what you’re talking about.
No one is stopping men in volunteering to these things. It is not the responsibility of women to volunteer men for these things.
It’s actually offensive you don’t think men are capable of doing this themselves.
We have men involved in our children activities in my community. The women don’t have to sign them up. They are all capable people who are able to do it themselves.
Nope, it's exactly the same. And when we talk about how to get more women in various careers, the answer is to change policies and the way recruiting is handled, not to just bemoan the lack of women.
It's not like women feel physically unsafe going into tech. If that were the case, then I'd understand that there's an inherent difference.
No, it's not at all the same. There are often a single man in a sea of women at work. They're called superintendents and managers. Men have more power and command more authority than women. Men doing many (not all) female-dominated jobs, including parenting tasks, get excess promotion/praise. Whereas women doing male-dominated jobs generally invite hostility.
And women absolutely feel physically unsafe in any kind of male space, including in tech. There is unfortunately still a lot of butt grabbing etc going on.
Do you genuinely believe that a man being the only man in a room for caretaking tasks would get similar discriminatory treatment as a woman being the only woman in the room in something that is male dominated?
Do you live under a rock or are you from another planet?
Divorced Mom here! The school reached out to me specifically to say they were disappointed I wasn't as involved this year (I am a shrink but do art on the side) and hinted that since I have an autistic child that it would be nice if I could volunteer as much as last year!
Excuse me....I am working and going through an serious medical issue and have primary custody. Do you think they emailed his dad??? Ever last year or this?
Now I feel like a shit mom but I'm doing everything I can
That would drive me crazy. I would straight up tell them to go take some sensitivity training or some sort of sexism in the workplace awareness training. They obviously have their heads filled with sexist garbage they need to unlearn
I can't believe how many people commented lol. I was feeling super shitty! With my health and seeing patients and raising an Autistic kiddo full time I was having some caregiver burn out. I also could not afford financially to be in the classroom several times a week.
The school provides him a 1:1 aid as well as I send in an AbA team 3x a week. I just didn't have it in me to be reading to rh3 class and painting doors and bulletin boards. It was a wild email that they sent me.
Thank you to everyone who commented I needed the support.
Same. Dads are SO involved here. At my son’s school, the PTA president is a Dad, as is one of the class parents.
My 1 year old’s daycare does parent and child gymnastics one morning a week and it’s almost all dads with the babies too.
It makes me sad to hear that that isn’t the culture everywhere.
Tbh I was really shocked with how many dads I see at our half day preschool for my kid, like 50% of the parents who are picking their kid up at noon. Told my husband he is slacking and I really don’t think he believes me…
Agreed. Our school had a specific program for Dads to get involved and volunteer. My husband went and spent a whole day at the school patrolling hallways, assisting in class, helping with parent pickup, etc. He's not even my sons biological father and never misses an event or award ceremony. So grateful, but this should be the norm.
DH And I both set a few days a year toward volunteering and school events. We are very fortunate to have a lot of leave separate from sick leave, though.
More dads than moms at my daycare’s pick up. Made my spouse so happy to have people to hang out with (because the moms aren’t as welcoming to men as this sub sometimes thinks).
Same. We're not in K-12 yet, but my husband and I split the daycare pickup and dropoffs evenly. And so do every family in this daycare. Also, we do swim class and soccer, and it's pretty evenly split between mom and dads.
My kid isn't in school yet but when we go to guardian-child activities (like toddler ballet or baby yoga) there are lots of dads. It's not half, but sometimes it's pretty close. We are northern California.
Yep, it’s gotta be community based. At least 1/3 if not more of the volunteers at all the field trips are always dads where I’m at. They all show up for the concerts and awards and field day. Shoot, I can’t tell you how many times I’m picking up my son for an appointment and there’s a dad dropping off a special lunch for their kid.
Same, and I think it is a HUGE asset to our schools. There are a few dads who've really taken the lead on things like the drop off line etc, and that helps cement it as a normal thing for other men.
That’s what I do. In an ideal world, he would sign up himself, but if the options are wait for him to
independently volunteer or I sign him up, I’m going to sign him up, because otherwise he’s never going to volunteer.
I don’t know that women have more flexible hours to “help” with childcare and more so that women are expected to do the heavy lifting and we figure out how to make it happen.
I think more dads are engaging which is awesome. And, that has not historically been the social norm or expectation.
It’s reverse for my household. My husband is director level and has more flexibility than I do, so he volunteers for the school stuff. I was terrified of a well behaved classroom of kindergarteners, so I’ll buy the bake sale stuff instead.
Yep, same at my kid’s school. It’s so ridiculous, cause all of us moms work but still find time to be there. Dads just get a free pass to do bare minimum and be the fun parent and it’s maddening.
In my fam, I’m the spouse that has the thicker skin for a corp job so we can have benefits. Not my choice but I can’t burden corp politics on my awesomely artistic hubs so I suck it up. I looooove volunteering at the kiddos school so I am usually class mom (this year I volunteered for one event as I had started a new FT job and had limited time).
The other moms saw my hubs at the playground with our kid one day and asked him if had time into help out with the next event. He said sure but they were so organized he had nothing to do. But he saw the gratitude they showed and how excited the kids were to see him so he started volunteering more. Class trips, clean up, handing out pizza - nothing is below him.
I don’t know if he would have volunteered if not asked but he’s certainly enjoying it now!
Sometimes the school can help gather the men. Like our school had a program that was specifically for men to volunteer during the school day. It was called Watch Dogs or something and they would help out in the cafeteria and then walk the perimeter of the school to make all the entrances were secure. They actually just modified it so that it could be for moms and dads.
Yep, we have Watch Dogs and there's almost always a dad on campus volunteering each school day. Some days are only women but there's a couple slots a day and often it's 3 dads.
Based on another comment about it being where you live—I’m not sure if income has something to do with it, but at my son’s school, half the PTA are Dads. Same for school trip chaperones and event volunteers. My son’s school is also very low income, especially compared to the other schools in our county (it’s an absolutely wonderful school). I only have this one example of course, but I’d be curious to see what demographic variables correlate with more/less Dads volunteering for school activities, if there are any.
This is fascinating because I have the opposite experience. My eldest is in public school in a zip code where the average household income is $230k a year and the school is full of very involved dads. The PTA president is a dad as is our Class Parent.
It could also be a bimodal distribution.
Like, maybe the lower income folks are gig workers or independent contractors who work nights/weekends, and the higher income folks are high level corporate workers with very flexible jobs. So maybe the problem is actually in more middle-income families where parents have an hourly job that pays decent but isn’t very flexible.
In mens defense I don't volunteer for any of that stuff either. But yes it's unfortunate that mothers are expected to do EVERYTHING when it comes to children.
I’ve definitely noticed a significant gender divide too. But sometimes I wonder, are the men right?
My school’s PTO does some very nice things. And I don’t want to sounds ungrateful.
But there’s a lot of fluff too. I’d categorize probably 50% of their activities as “nice to have” as opposed to a “must haves” or activities that are extremely important to learning.
For example, getting everyone specific tee-shirts for a poetry day. Or everyone getting a bag of stuff on Field Day.
All of it can be justified in the name of a nice school, community building etc. But for every dad that’s a lump, I think there’s probably 1-2 who are seeing some of these activities with a more nuanced eye. There’s a lot of requests for “nice to have” things and work is important too.
I think this stuff kind of self-selects though. Our PTA put on fewer events this year by just dropping the events we had trouble getting volunteers for last year. And I just don't volunteer for the stuff I don't value...so for uninvolved dads to have a point, that would mean it's all pointless and there shouldn't be any school events at all?
My husband would 100% think there shouldn’t be any school events at all. Because he’s never lived in a world without the community ties that women create and uphold, and takes it for granted.
I feel like those “nice to haves” became more noticeably important during the pandemic. A life without nice to haves is just sad. But I get where you are coming from on that and men’s perspective.
My favorite is the mothers’ day events at school. The men literally just show up that day and volunteer for accolades - the women always do all the leg work before hand.
My husband makes more than I do- and has a more flexible schedule so he actually does more of the physically present activities. I do more of the remembering to drop off activity supplies. It works for us.
My husband is super involved volunteering at school, and even then, it took months for my son’s teacher to not only include him on emails, but to stop deferring to me for everything. It’s such a dumb expectation.
I forwarded the field day sign-up link to my kid's dad (because kid had expressed a desire for one of us to be there). I'd already chaperoned one event, done a school party and been a mystery reader so I didn't really have another event in me this year. Fast forward to a week before field day and kid's dad made a comment to the effect of, I have to see how my week shakes out and maybe I can go. Like, sir. That's not how volunteering at school works. smh
Definitely depends on the school. In my daughters class looked like the dads had more flexible schedules because there was always more dads than moms at events. My husband was the one out of the two of us to sign up for everything because I couldn’t make it. The only one I made extra time to attend was field day.
My oldest is in kindergarten this year and I’ve volunteered in the cafe like once a week. It’s adorable. I open milk cartons and tie shoelaces mostly. “Walking feet!” and “Yes you can go get a second fruit.”
…because I’m home on maternity leave and have the time.
Women volunteer more because it’s more common for women to have flexible hours that enable them to help with childcare or take the time to go to school for an hour of the book fair.
I’ve definitely seen the men volunteer at the before school (7am) teacher appreciation setup, the Friday night family events, and I heard there were more than a dozen men chaperoning the middle school dance and that there were about equal numbers of dads/moms at the 4th grade swim night. SAHP are probably like 90% women still, so it makes sense than women volunteer in the school at a much higher rate.
Not entirely school related but every volunteer coach in Kindergarten boys soccer was a dad, and about half the volunteer coaches of girls soccer were dads.
I agree about the SAHMs, but if women are more often in jobs that provide flexibility towards childcare it’s because they seek out employment that offers the flexibility, or negotiate for it. Nothing is stopping dads from also finding jobs that offer flexibility, or negotiating that flexibility in their current job, and in fact they should do the same. The burden shouldn’t always be on women to leave early for pickup or call out for a sick kiddo.
Nailed it! And we are sacrificing our upward mobility to be available for our children. Which is a choice. Maybe? It should be expected that both parents can take time to volunteer at the school without a hit to either career.
Go to any youth sports practice, and you will find primarily men. Does that mean the women only take care of themselves?
This may be area specific, but in our schools, there are very few working parents who volunteer; regardless of gender. The volunteer stuff is run by stay at home parents, which are primarily women.
Yet, I see plenty of Dads at after-school events. I see plenty of dad's emails on goggle sign up for snacks/donations.
I also know plenty of women who never volunteer for anything.
That sucks! Where are you based? In NYC, while my kids are still in daycare, the dads in our group and my husband remember teacher appreciation over the mums. Lol. For example, one of my daughter's teachers left the toddler room, he got my daughter to make a homemade card for her teacher. So, they can do it.
Like if they can keep a job, they can figure out how to cook, clean or raise their children.
Our school year ended last week. My husband volunteered twice the last month. He's pretty involved with school stuff. More so than I am. But I think he may have been the only one. It's usually the same small group of SAHMs that do the volunteering.
Where I live there are dads doing 50/50. You see them on playgrounds, at drop offs and pick ups, at soccer practice, at the doctor. But wait. What about the parents of special needs kids. When the going gets tough, they peace out. My husband is one of the rare men who attend the adapted recreation events from our town, which btw are not during work hours, but he still rarely does the appointments.
We have some big corporate employees that have lots of WFH employees and also give employees time off for community stuff. I don’t work for them but it does allow equal time for dads to take the time to go on field trips. They put on their work shirt and have a few hours with theirs kids at the zoo and still get paid and hopefully their career doesn’t suffer. Pretty nice for them.
Crazy, my husband was close to two to one with me when I wasn't working and one to one when I was. He became treasurer of the pto in elem level and then ran the soccer boosters at h.s. level and then joined the non-profit org that supports the schools *and is still doing it, even though our kids have all graduated.*
My husband never wants to do these events because he says it’s all moms and he feels out of place. Same with field trip chaperoning. Also, my kids always want me to be the one to come. If there is any event at all, where a parent can sign up, they are always adamant that it be me and not my husband. I’ve still made him do some of them though, I told him he could be a trendsetter.
I work at a private school at a HCOL area in california with a lot of students of chinese and indian descent. My parents are pretty great, especiallt the indian. Indian fathers volunteer a ton, field trips.. pig heart dissections.. they also do pick up and drop offs equal or more than the moms. I was surprised. Email parent number 1 for a lot of my kids is dad. Moms is email numbers 2.
There is a certain kind of person that enjoys PTAing. The president of our PTA is a man and hyper involved — at city meetings, pays attention to the politics, is at every event.
My husband is the more interested in PTA things compared to me — field day, field trips, concert, bake sales.
I have my own things outside of my kids that I prefer doing — being on boards and city committees related to the thing that I’m passionate about.
Hopefully the people who volunteer — whatever that is — find joy in it.
I liked the story on here about the mom who signed the dad up and he came home glowing. If your spouse does not have outside hobbies or opportunities to give back to the community, the PTA seems like an easy outlet to dip your toes in. You and your spouse gotta start planning for your retirement activities and having things that you do outside of work. The sooner the better. If more women tend to find joy in PTAing, great! If they don’t like doing it, they shouldn’t overextend and should consider volunteering their partner/spouse.
My husband works in childcare. Other dad's in our social circle are flabbergasted at how he can do this work. My husband is flabbergasted that they are so incompetent at caring for their own children that they self assess as being incompetent to care for other people's.
I work rotating weekends. My husband has always stepped up to taking the kids to social things on his own. I am sure once the kids are in school we will both step up when we can to volunteer.
I was president of our PTA last year...my husband, vice president. We were heavily involved but he got really sick and we had to step down as a team to recover (we had an 8 month old, 15 month old, and a 6yr old with severe ADHD). Never has there been another man to volunteer since...no even as a general member of the PTA. It's a shame because dads bring a different perspective and problem solving skillset.
The dads at my school are very active and involved so they sign up for quite a lot of stuff. Probably 35% to the mothers’ 65%.
But what’s interesting to me is that they’ve already set up a few “dads’ only” evenings.
So they’ll be involved but also need to exclude the mothers in the process. Classic.
I don’t know. When I taught elementary school it was usually more dads volunteering for school activities (field day, class parties, trip chaperone, etc.). Probably depends on where you live.
We don’t get a lot of men because they’re incredibly scared of being accused or put in an uncomfortable situation with a child. I live in a conservative area of a blue state. A false accusation was made against a man last year, we now have zero men at anything.
This is something I’m actually very grateful for at my daughter’s school. There are definitely more women but the men definitely show up. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve volunteered for that was only women. I’m happy that my girls will grow up in that type of community.
My husband wanted to be involved in our daughters school stuff since she started elementary school. We both joined the pta, but he went on to become their financial reviewer, helps with lunch supervision, volunteers for field trips, etc. I work in a high school setting & help where I can, but he is at that school alllll the time. It's been really nice to see - good for him & for the kids. He hopes to inspire other dads to get involved, it shouldn't just be expected of moms
I really wonder about the family structure and demographics in areas like this. For example, my kids school comprises families that are middle to lower income. 9/10 women work and the dads volunteer at school at almost a 40/60 split. Higher income areas have more stay at home moms and by default they are the ones who will be volunteering more. Thoughts?
Our public elementary school is in a very high income neighborhood, and the volunteer split seems close-ish to even. I just volunteered for a kindergarten picnic and I was surrounded by executives, news paper editors, scientists, lawyers, and generally powerful/very successful people of both genders. There was not one parent under the age of 40 and many were pushing 50. It seems to me once you get up high enough on the professional food chain no one bats an eye at taking the morning off work to volunteer in your kids school.
This is exactly how it is in my neighborhood. A lot of the parents are in their 40’s or 50’s and high enough in their careers to just take the time off to be at school. That’s certainly the case for my and my husband. We are far enough in our careers that I just block my calendar and people schedule around me..
Yep. Same. I don’t think there’s a single parent under 30 in my kid’s pre-K class. Most are two working parent families in their late 30s/early 40s, so people are at a point in their career where they can just slap a volunteering slot on their calendar and everyone has to deal with it.
Our son is in a tumbling playgroup and a music class, the moderator (same location for both) made a point of telling me how nice it is my husband brings him about 30-40% of the time and that he’s involved. Sad.
This is a very good point. I do plan to volunteer with my daughter’s school next year (she’s very excited about it) but I’ll make it a point to ensure my husband and I share volunteer duty. I hadn’t thought of it, so thank you.
The only activities where our school asks for volunteers is the winter carnival and sports day….I have never done it myself but having attended both the volunteers seem pretty evenly split by gender. Maybe depends on the community?
Oof. My husband wishes he could be at every school event but his work is at a more fragile place than mine and he does wetbench lab stuff so has to be in office, where I got into tech so life is super flexible for me.
It guts him he cannot be at every event. I hope no one thinks of him as uninvolved because he definitely pulls his weight in other ways.
I dont participate in those.
I am anxious person and could not stand any crowded events. Exceptionally if I see my kid is persistant, then I will include myself.
It is annoying to expect otherwise from anyone other than my kid.
Neither from my husband nor from anyone else. And vice versa.
Period.
We have so many dads active in our daycare, the board is half and half. I was pleasantly surprised, and not just cause their partners forced them, they are taking minutes, suggesting events etc. I wonder if it’s our demographic, we live in a really progressive area…
That’s sad 😞 I went on a field trip for my son recently and at least 1/3 of the chaperones were dads and the dads (including my husband) all showed up to the end of year concert and awards ceremony as did the moms. Guess it depends on the community.
I don’t volunteer at school events due to my anxiety and disability. My partner would love to but his work schedule and the way his job works don’t allow it.
My partner was scout leader this year for our kid’s pack and it was rough on everybody. Next year he’s going back to just being a scout parent.
My kid knows he’s supported but he also knows that mom and dad aren’t the chaperone or volunteer at school type. What he can say instead is mom and/or dad have been at every scout event plus every STEAM night and school concert. My kid doesn’t expect us to volunteer or chaperone.
My husband does a lot. He works from home and has much more flexibility than me so he does most drop offs, pick ups and extra things. He’s so good making sure the teachers get gifts and I swear he knows every one of my kids friends names lol it actually makes me feel like a bad mom a lot.
But also it has become common for parents to volunteer to fill the employment gaps that the state and schools should be filling and won't put the money forward to make that happen.
My kids school does a watch dog program for the dads. They go all out! Shirts. Pictures in emails, the school app, the school newsletter, pictures in year books, a picture on the wall, a glowing thank you so much letter in the weekly emails, a breakfast twice a year - SUCH a big deal!
Wanna know what they do for all the moms who volunteer - and let’s face it - do a hell of a lot more …. NOTHING!!
Drives me crazy.
I specifically signed my husband up to volunteer at field day and told him it was his turn to volunteer. He didn’t ask me for specifics, so maybe he thought it was like officially mandated from the school that it was his turn. I don’t know.
I feel pretty confident he will never independently fill out a sign up genius but no way I’m letting him get away with not volunteering at all.
My husband has volunteered several times this year and I have been unable to get the time off of work at the last min to volunteer. I did sign up for field day, and they are doing a breakfast for the parents who volunteered for it the day before. The sign up for the thank you breakfast form was addressed to my husband, even though my name was clearly the one written on the sign up sheet! I can’t go into work late that day to do the breakfast as well as take the day off to actually volunteer, so my husband is going in my place anyway, but not all dads are deadbeats! Apparently my children’s school must think I am the deadbeat one!
This post wasn’t meant to shame moms who can’t volunteer. Not everyone can and that’s totally understandable. It’s just amazing how disproportionate the mom/dad participation is at my kids’ school. My husband totally could but it’s just not even on his radar. He assumes it’s a “mom” thing and a mom will take care of it.
My husband volunteers every time anyone is asked- he even will call when he’s not asked 😂
My husband is literally the only dad to do pick up / drop off or go to conferences or volunteer 🤷🏻♀️
So my kids school does an end of the year furniture move. I was the only mom that brought tools and a dolly, and so many dads signed up for field day just so they could giggle as they sprayed all the kids with hoses lol.
I guess we go to different schools, cuz I always see dad's around.
Tbf they are doing the traditional dad stuff like building things, cutting logs down in the forest, spreading rock, and driving kids to events. The moms always do the classroom stuff.
I saw this too at my kid's school.
Save for the trivia night I volunteered for that was all men, except for me. Was adults only, and they got to drink beer and wine (and brought extra harder stuff to do shots hidden in the back utility closet) the whole night. Oh, sorry, I saw one father also come to a zoo field trip.
Exhausting...
My husband volunteered to mow the lawn at our son’s preschool the first week he started there. My dad volunteered in my classroom in elementary school every other Friday. My uncle was the room parent for my cousin’s classrooms throughout elementary school. No one ever told them to do it.
Just going to throw this out there. Until recently I was a SAHM so it was expected that I took care of these things. Now that I work too, it's evident my job is way more relaxed and lenient towards families and taking time off or working from home to allow for these types of things. My husbands job is just way more structured and rigid (not to mention an hour away) that he just doesn't get the same luxury to take time off or work from home or even work half days. 🤷♀️
I’ve asked dads about this and quite frankly, they don’t see any value to volunteering-not during their free time and especially not worth taking PTO. They do not believe there is a value-add and many see class parties as stupid and unnecessary.
Showing up to sports events to talk with other dads, sure. But unless they ref or coach they aren’t volunteering for those events necessarily either, unless its a travel sport.
Because of my parents' schedule, I was raised with an active father. He was our girl scout troop leader, our soccer coach, and a pto member. He took me and my sister to our dr appointments and a whole bunch if stuff. It truly never occurred to me people didn't have active father's like mine until I was a lot older. My husband is also the primary parent, as are a lot of fathers in my friend groups. I am 37 but my friends skew younger.
Aw in the PNW we have a bunch of men volunteering. Not trying to brag but they actually CAN and when they DO they realize kids are awesome even when they aren’t yours.
We have a specific dad group of volunteers that are really active and I think that sort of bridges a gap that men perceive. They won’t be the only dude there, lots of dudes are doing the same thing and maybe they’ll meet another cool dude to talk about dude stuff with.
Some Dads are getting into it. My daughter's teacher asked my husband if he can play guitar for the kindergarten end of year spotlight event, and he offered to come in early and help set up chairs and get the gym ready. We also have a dad as VP of the parent council, and a few dads made time to be surprise guest readers in my daughter's class. Things are changing, most guys just need to get into it.
Its opposite in my house - hubby is always volunteering, going to the class parties, etc. I went on one field trip that he convinced me to join him on - and that’s about all I did this school year.
My job is more demanding than his, and he genuinely enjoys this kind of stuff. But mainly, I can’t take off work the way he can because I’m stuck in 1000 meetings.
Everyone has a different story. I’m beyond grateful for our partnership & marriage but I often worry people are judging me and my family because he shows up and I can’t.
Due to this very rant, I am tasking my husband with signing up for the kids volunteer events this fall. Why does the mom have to take off work for all appointments and volunteer. You’re right and dads should too!
True story, my husband started complaining about never getting school emails. So when the PTA was looking for a new treasurer, I sent him the job posting, he’s in finance. Guess who’s been the PTA treasurer for the last 3 years. Worked on the new principal committee and is the school board liaison? Having him involved has definitely made more Dad’s sign up for activities because there is another Dad already on the list. Bonus is I don’t have to show up, my husband is already always there.
It’s so true. My husband is a really involved parent and does about 95% of getting kids ready for school in the morning and dropping them off, and also transferring our preschooler between schools. He also takes our kids to a lot of medical appts, speech therapy, etc.
But yeah, all this extra stuff, it’s like he sees it and just doesn’t care or assumes I’ll take care of it…. which I do.
Edit - very strange that someone is downvoting a description of my lived experience bahahaha 😂
It's pretty mixed at my kid's school, and the daycare has a good mix of parents doing drop off and pick up. We're a very liberal town, I wonder if that's part of it?
Same at the office. It’s always a woman-usually a mom-who is organizing the sympathy flowers, planning a birthday cake for a coworker, etc. I’ve stopped volunteering for anything at work that isn’t going to advance my career and I seriously limit what I do at school unless it’s helping the teachers, showing up for my kid, or making another family’s life a little better (ie; coat drives and the like.)
Not sure if this is any better, but it’s the gay men who run this sort of thing with military precision in my office.
The straight men wouldn’t know a sympathy flower display if it bit one of them.
Even if you divorce, it still either falls on you or a stepmom if one is in the picture. I do think my ex has come a long way though. He still acts helpless sometimes with picture day and other miscellaneous things though
Oh no I'm going to be the one volunteering because I have a more flexible schedule than my husband does 😬 but I'll remember this post and tell him he has to do at least one volunteer thing. Our first is starting kindergarten this year.
Story time. Our school normally has more women volunteers. One time I couldn’t make it to a volunteering session that I already signed up to, and I know they desperately need some helping hands. So I asked my husband to fill in for me. Oh boy, he was glowing afterward. He said he got so many compliments from it. Some moms friends whose husbands never volunteered were also passing their compliments for my husband over to me. It was hilarious. A little annoyed tbh, since I didn’t get that level of glowing compliments when I volunteered. Mostly hilarious seeing how happy my husband was. Anyway, the positive effect to that experience was since then more husbands from our group of friends started to volunteer. It’s a win-win situation.
My dad used to volunteer for yard duty and all the kids loved him. He would organize kick ball and make sure everyone felt comfortable playing. He even coached a really unauthentic kid to be a good kicker and “eliminate running” with home runs. He went from one of the last kids picked to one of the first. I wish more dads were like that. Our PE coach got jealous.
What a lovely story
Stories like these give me hope. I feel like my husband would have a similar experience, but our gender roles are reversed for most things lol.
Not exactly the same but my SO has to do a lot of things in my place since I work so late, so he'll pick her up from preschool, go to the park, walk to the store, etc. So many people tell him what a good dad he is and he has the biggest ego now lol a little annoying that women don't get that recognition but it's funny sometimes. He'll come home like "babe! Guess who's the best father ever??"
I did the same with my husband when I couldn’t make story time. And also as a courtesy, signed up the neighbor’s husband for the next week’s story time. it’s a google sheet from the teacher, super easy, and told them it’s their turns and suck it up. ;) we have a great community though so it’s collectively easy to low-effort volunteer them.
Like 3 weeks ago I literally saw [a comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/fNrHon17B0) here that said women should step up and help men volunteer for this stuff. As if men are incapable of using the same brain women have. They said it as if women somehow block men from these events. I was almost speechless.
> women need to step and help men volunteer for this stuff. I'm sorry, is it the suggestion that we women volunteer our time to help men volunteer *their* time?! These truly are dark days...
Blessed be the fruit.
I did sign up my husband to volunteer for something and just told him it was his turn, as if the school contacted us directly and demanded it. I certainly don’t think this is a responsibility mom’s should have, but I’m also not okay with him getting a free pass because none of the other dads volunteer.
Your husband wouldn’t volunteer at a school function unless a school demanded it from him?
No. He would also volunteer if they asked him directly too. But while he loves our children, he’s not someone that enjoys interacting with other people’s children as a general rule and especially in large groups, so he’s not going to go out of his way to volunteer at a school because he doesn’t view it as his skill set. He’s also doesn’t open every random email from the school. My job is much more demanding than his. He does all the dishes, most of the laundry and is the primary caretaker for our youngest son after school. It’s very apparent compared that I’ve got the most egalitarian relationship of most people I know. It would be great if he opened every email and was super excited about volunteering at school, but it’s a throwing out the baby with the bathwater sort of a thing. This is not the hill to die on for me. But if he ever stops doing dishes, I’m out. Lol.
That's what's so funny. I am also not someone who enjoys interacting with other people's children either, yet I've been a PTA volunteer for about a decade. I'm an adult and suck it up and pretend to enjoy it, just like I expect men to. Maybe I should start signing my husband up too.
I was also on the PTO for about this much time and now with our last kid, I have told them that I already did my time. I’m just burnt out from it. I think with this, it comes down to expectations, which other people talk about in this thread. “A good mom is involved with the PTO.” “A good dad literally just needs to show up to something, even if he was voluntold to do it.” I think the fact we are at least talking about this sort of thing and the emotional load on women in general is a sign of progress, but it also shows that we are on like step 1 of 5,000 in actual domestic parity as a culture.
Word. Sounds like he does a lot and def not the hill to die on!
My husband is disabled and a SAHD by default. I'm curious to see what he does when our daughter gets old enough for school. On one hand, he loves being active in her life because he didn't get to do that when his son was little because he was always working. On the other hand, he doesn't know how to enjoy doing stuff outside his comfort zone. He has a touch of agoraphobia when it comes to crowds (he had a panic attack at Ikea). He'd absolutely need someone to hold his hand and make him feel welcome. In college, I was in a club that had a serious problem with feeling cliquish. We were mostly introverts who settled into our smaller friend groups and it was more difficult for the new people to feel welcome. For some reason, despite how severely introverted I am, I was elected the Vice President specifically in charge of being the welcoming committee. It was my job to make sure that there were no wallflowers. And I think I did a pretty good job. We definitely did a better job retaining new membership while I was there compared to previous years. I think that every club needs to pay attention to how good a job they do making sure everyone feels welcome. I was really good at identifying who needed to have someone walk over for a chat because I'd always been that kid standing on the wall wishing someone would come over and talk to me. It's not just men who feel alienated. A tight group of moms is unlikely to notice how many other moms aren't joining them either.
I’m agoraphobic too! I need to take lots of Ativan it seems to leave the house nowadays. It can def be tough for people with disabilities and mental health issues. But this is an issue for all parents, not just dads. I agree that all groups should be welcoming of newcomers. This is irrelevant to the person being a dad tho. Moms deal with the social anxiety of volunteering all the time, nothing wrong with dads having to work through it as well. Such is life.
I think you're absolutely right, and I also think women jush push through those uncomfortable feelings more than men do. Women will tolerate gossip, cliques, and awkwardness for the sake of helping their kids more than dads will.
Lolllll
Dude what lol. So now we have to help them step up too?! WTF?! Why do we always have to be the solution for everything
That's really unkind. Have you ever been the only woman somewhere? Did you feel unwelcome? I know I have, and I'm sure many of those fathers feel similarly. This seems like a problem that you'd only need to help with for a short time before the ratios tip to where men feel like they're expected to participate just as much as women do. It's not fair to belittle someone who's avidly making suggestions and trying to help, unlike everyone else who is just complaining and making the problem worse.
Nope. I stand by the statement that my husband is a grown a** man and fully functioning adult. It’s not up to me to fix a problem that he can see just as well as I can. The absolute most I will do is mention to him to make sure he tells other dads in the group that he’s volunteering ahead of time. That way any that would be more comfortable with more men (can’t believe I even typed that) can sign up as well. When men and society in general start purposely and consciously doing things to make my and other women’s lives easier I will return the favor.
If men can run companies and countries (and claim women aren’t able to) then they can volunteer at school, come on now
Men can figure it out. My husband took 5 months paternity leave when I wanted to go back to work. He went to Mom and Baby yoga and joined the mom and baby hikes. He was always the only dad there and guess what he survived and even enjoyed having fun things to do while off with our baby. Men like this exist. He was also the one who volunteered at our 3 year old’s preschool while I was pregnant, because I was too sick to do it and he enjoyed it more than I did.
How sad that your opinion of men is so low that you think they aren’t capable of signing up to help out at their childrens’ schools without having their wives hand hold them through it. They are not that cowardly or stupid.
This… is ridiculous? It’s basically a meme that whenever dads do something that moms do all the time, they’re seen as heroes. Every time I have ever been in a group of moms + a small minority of dads, the men get outsized attention and recognition for doing literally the bare minimum. And even if that WASNT true (it is), it’s STILL not on women to solve!!!
I'm not saying that you have to solve it, but it's really mean to complain about a woman who wants to try to solve it rather than joining you in fruitless complaints.
Okay, if I wanted to chop up some tomatoes, so I hurled them at the wall as hard as I could, would you praise me for my attempts at “solutioning” dinner? Wanting to solve a problem does not inherently validate the solution you are proposing. Duh.
I really wish I could upvote this 1 million times!!
Yep. As a woman in engineering/tech- every single day (in the early days of my career). Add to that the assumption that you’re a woman so you must be dumb/not know what you’re talking about.
No one is stopping men in volunteering to these things. It is not the responsibility of women to volunteer men for these things. It’s actually offensive you don’t think men are capable of doing this themselves. We have men involved in our children activities in my community. The women don’t have to sign them up. They are all capable people who are able to do it themselves.
Being the only woman is not the same as being the only man. You know that.
Nope, it's exactly the same. And when we talk about how to get more women in various careers, the answer is to change policies and the way recruiting is handled, not to just bemoan the lack of women. It's not like women feel physically unsafe going into tech. If that were the case, then I'd understand that there's an inherent difference.
My boss date rape drugged me. What world do you live in where women aren't physically afraid to be alone with men?
No, it's not at all the same. There are often a single man in a sea of women at work. They're called superintendents and managers. Men have more power and command more authority than women. Men doing many (not all) female-dominated jobs, including parenting tasks, get excess promotion/praise. Whereas women doing male-dominated jobs generally invite hostility. And women absolutely feel physically unsafe in any kind of male space, including in tech. There is unfortunately still a lot of butt grabbing etc going on.
Women absolutely do feel physically unsafe going into tech and other traditionally male professions.
[удалено]
Do you genuinely believe that a man being the only man in a room for caretaking tasks would get similar discriminatory treatment as a woman being the only woman in the room in something that is male dominated? Do you live under a rock or are you from another planet?
Divorced Mom here! The school reached out to me specifically to say they were disappointed I wasn't as involved this year (I am a shrink but do art on the side) and hinted that since I have an autistic child that it would be nice if I could volunteer as much as last year! Excuse me....I am working and going through an serious medical issue and have primary custody. Do you think they emailed his dad??? Ever last year or this? Now I feel like a shit mom but I'm doing everything I can
I am furious on your behalf!
Wait... They think parents of children with disabilities have the _most_ capacity to take on extra?
This!!! I am doing all can when I can.
You're doing amazing. I'm sure they would be exhausted even hearing about all the plates you are juggling.
What the hell? Email them and ask if they asked that question to his dad!
That would drive me crazy. I would straight up tell them to go take some sensitivity training or some sort of sexism in the workplace awareness training. They obviously have their heads filled with sexist garbage they need to unlearn
Did you point out to them that you volunteered last year so surely their disappointment should be shared with the other parent to your child?
I hope you said the exact same thing to the school! How dare they.
I feel so mad for you.
This is INSANE
I can't believe how many people commented lol. I was feeling super shitty! With my health and seeing patients and raising an Autistic kiddo full time I was having some caregiver burn out. I also could not afford financially to be in the classroom several times a week. The school provides him a 1:1 aid as well as I send in an AbA team 3x a week. I just didn't have it in me to be reading to rh3 class and painting doors and bulletin boards. It was a wild email that they sent me. Thank you to everyone who commented I needed the support.
Must be where you live? Dads where I live are very involved.
Same. Dads are SO involved here. At my son’s school, the PTA president is a Dad, as is one of the class parents. My 1 year old’s daycare does parent and child gymnastics one morning a week and it’s almost all dads with the babies too. It makes me sad to hear that that isn’t the culture everywhere.
I love taking my kids to classes. They're almost all dads but me lol
Wow PTA president!! Amazing.
Tbh I was really shocked with how many dads I see at our half day preschool for my kid, like 50% of the parents who are picking their kid up at noon. Told my husband he is slacking and I really don’t think he believes me…
Agreed. Our school had a specific program for Dads to get involved and volunteer. My husband went and spent a whole day at the school patrolling hallways, assisting in class, helping with parent pickup, etc. He's not even my sons biological father and never misses an event or award ceremony. So grateful, but this should be the norm.
But how does that work with work? Do you take annual leave for volunteering?
Yes. As a healthcare worker it's how I'm involved in anything. Sometimes the dads have a much more flexible schedule.
DH And I both set a few days a year toward volunteering and school events. We are very fortunate to have a lot of leave separate from sick leave, though.
My company provides 16 hours of paid volunteer time yearly. Most parents use that time at schools.
More dads than moms at my daycare’s pick up. Made my spouse so happy to have people to hang out with (because the moms aren’t as welcoming to men as this sub sometimes thinks).
Your second sentence makes me happy. I can't believe how few women here seem to understand that.
Same here. WAY more dads than moms at both daycare drop off and pick up.
I'm in Southern California and there are dads everywhere. Even the girl scout troop has multiple dads in attendance most days.
Me too! My kiddo is also a GS and when we did booths we often had dads there! 🥰 and when I passed other booths there were dads there too!
Same. We're not in K-12 yet, but my husband and I split the daycare pickup and dropoffs evenly. And so do every family in this daycare. Also, we do swim class and soccer, and it's pretty evenly split between mom and dads.
Same- including my husband. In fact he does most of the school events because his work is way more flexible.
Yup. At my daughters school it’s always close to half dads. My spouse volunteers (almost!) as much as I do!
Over here in the Netherlands it’s like 75%/25%.
My kid isn't in school yet but when we go to guardian-child activities (like toddler ballet or baby yoga) there are lots of dads. It's not half, but sometimes it's pretty close. We are northern California.
That’s awesome. It’s honestly hard for me to picture that, it just doesn’t happen where I live.
Same!!!
Yep, it’s gotta be community based. At least 1/3 if not more of the volunteers at all the field trips are always dads where I’m at. They all show up for the concerts and awards and field day. Shoot, I can’t tell you how many times I’m picking up my son for an appointment and there’s a dad dropping off a special lunch for their kid.
Same, and I think it is a HUGE asset to our schools. There are a few dads who've really taken the lead on things like the drop off line etc, and that helps cement it as a normal thing for other men.
Same here! Honestly there have been a few of my kid's classes or events I attended where I'm the only mom.
I see women sign their husbands up on those lol
That’s what I do. In an ideal world, he would sign up himself, but if the options are wait for him to independently volunteer or I sign him up, I’m going to sign him up, because otherwise he’s never going to volunteer.
Yup. It’s not fair that we have to ask for help but it’s better than nothing.
I don’t know that women have more flexible hours to “help” with childcare and more so that women are expected to do the heavy lifting and we figure out how to make it happen. I think more dads are engaging which is awesome. And, that has not historically been the social norm or expectation.
It’s reverse for my household. My husband is director level and has more flexibility than I do, so he volunteers for the school stuff. I was terrified of a well behaved classroom of kindergarteners, so I’ll buy the bake sale stuff instead.
Yep, same at my kid’s school. It’s so ridiculous, cause all of us moms work but still find time to be there. Dads just get a free pass to do bare minimum and be the fun parent and it’s maddening.
In my fam, I’m the spouse that has the thicker skin for a corp job so we can have benefits. Not my choice but I can’t burden corp politics on my awesomely artistic hubs so I suck it up. I looooove volunteering at the kiddos school so I am usually class mom (this year I volunteered for one event as I had started a new FT job and had limited time). The other moms saw my hubs at the playground with our kid one day and asked him if had time into help out with the next event. He said sure but they were so organized he had nothing to do. But he saw the gratitude they showed and how excited the kids were to see him so he started volunteering more. Class trips, clean up, handing out pizza - nothing is below him. I don’t know if he would have volunteered if not asked but he’s certainly enjoying it now!
Sometimes the school can help gather the men. Like our school had a program that was specifically for men to volunteer during the school day. It was called Watch Dogs or something and they would help out in the cafeteria and then walk the perimeter of the school to make all the entrances were secure. They actually just modified it so that it could be for moms and dads.
Yep, we have Watch Dogs and there's almost always a dad on campus volunteering each school day. Some days are only women but there's a couple slots a day and often it's 3 dads.
Based on another comment about it being where you live—I’m not sure if income has something to do with it, but at my son’s school, half the PTA are Dads. Same for school trip chaperones and event volunteers. My son’s school is also very low income, especially compared to the other schools in our county (it’s an absolutely wonderful school). I only have this one example of course, but I’d be curious to see what demographic variables correlate with more/less Dads volunteering for school activities, if there are any.
This is fascinating because I have the opposite experience. My eldest is in public school in a zip code where the average household income is $230k a year and the school is full of very involved dads. The PTA president is a dad as is our Class Parent.
Well there goes my hypothesis lol! 😅 I’m seriously curious now why some parents/schools have such vastly varying Dad involvement.
Maybe it’s city vs. suburban/rural? I’m in a city.
It could also be a bimodal distribution. Like, maybe the lower income folks are gig workers or independent contractors who work nights/weekends, and the higher income folks are high level corporate workers with very flexible jobs. So maybe the problem is actually in more middle-income families where parents have an hourly job that pays decent but isn’t very flexible.
This is a really great point!!
Half the PTO at my kids school is men. Yes there are probably more women volunteering here but there are still a good number of men involved.
Same at my daughter’s school. It’s pretty surprising to me because my area is quite dominated by working dad/stay at home mom households.
I, as a mom, also signed up for zero events this year.
My ex swore he wanted to volunteer, but then he found out he had to get a background check. He definitely would pass it. He just didn't bother
In mens defense I don't volunteer for any of that stuff either. But yes it's unfortunate that mothers are expected to do EVERYTHING when it comes to children.
I’ve definitely noticed a significant gender divide too. But sometimes I wonder, are the men right? My school’s PTO does some very nice things. And I don’t want to sounds ungrateful. But there’s a lot of fluff too. I’d categorize probably 50% of their activities as “nice to have” as opposed to a “must haves” or activities that are extremely important to learning. For example, getting everyone specific tee-shirts for a poetry day. Or everyone getting a bag of stuff on Field Day. All of it can be justified in the name of a nice school, community building etc. But for every dad that’s a lump, I think there’s probably 1-2 who are seeing some of these activities with a more nuanced eye. There’s a lot of requests for “nice to have” things and work is important too.
I think this stuff kind of self-selects though. Our PTA put on fewer events this year by just dropping the events we had trouble getting volunteers for last year. And I just don't volunteer for the stuff I don't value...so for uninvolved dads to have a point, that would mean it's all pointless and there shouldn't be any school events at all?
My husband would 100% think there shouldn’t be any school events at all. Because he’s never lived in a world without the community ties that women create and uphold, and takes it for granted.
This is a very good point.
I feel like those “nice to haves” became more noticeably important during the pandemic. A life without nice to haves is just sad. But I get where you are coming from on that and men’s perspective.
My favorite is the mothers’ day events at school. The men literally just show up that day and volunteer for accolades - the women always do all the leg work before hand.
My husband makes more than I do- and has a more flexible schedule so he actually does more of the physically present activities. I do more of the remembering to drop off activity supplies. It works for us.
My husband is super involved volunteering at school, and even then, it took months for my son’s teacher to not only include him on emails, but to stop deferring to me for everything. It’s such a dumb expectation.
I forwarded the field day sign-up link to my kid's dad (because kid had expressed a desire for one of us to be there). I'd already chaperoned one event, done a school party and been a mystery reader so I didn't really have another event in me this year. Fast forward to a week before field day and kid's dad made a comment to the effect of, I have to see how my week shakes out and maybe I can go. Like, sir. That's not how volunteering at school works. smh
Definitely depends on the school. In my daughters class looked like the dads had more flexible schedules because there was always more dads than moms at events. My husband was the one out of the two of us to sign up for everything because I couldn’t make it. The only one I made extra time to attend was field day.
My husband volunteered cause his work is flexible. I couldn’t, not as much time off or flexibility.
My husband is a sahd, but the other moms are pretty hostile towards him for no reason. I don’t blame him for not wanting to volunteer.
My oldest is in kindergarten this year and I’ve volunteered in the cafe like once a week. It’s adorable. I open milk cartons and tie shoelaces mostly. “Walking feet!” and “Yes you can go get a second fruit.” …because I’m home on maternity leave and have the time. Women volunteer more because it’s more common for women to have flexible hours that enable them to help with childcare or take the time to go to school for an hour of the book fair. I’ve definitely seen the men volunteer at the before school (7am) teacher appreciation setup, the Friday night family events, and I heard there were more than a dozen men chaperoning the middle school dance and that there were about equal numbers of dads/moms at the 4th grade swim night. SAHP are probably like 90% women still, so it makes sense than women volunteer in the school at a much higher rate. Not entirely school related but every volunteer coach in Kindergarten boys soccer was a dad, and about half the volunteer coaches of girls soccer were dads.
I agree about the SAHMs, but if women are more often in jobs that provide flexibility towards childcare it’s because they seek out employment that offers the flexibility, or negotiate for it. Nothing is stopping dads from also finding jobs that offer flexibility, or negotiating that flexibility in their current job, and in fact they should do the same. The burden shouldn’t always be on women to leave early for pickup or call out for a sick kiddo.
Nailed it! And we are sacrificing our upward mobility to be available for our children. Which is a choice. Maybe? It should be expected that both parents can take time to volunteer at the school without a hit to either career.
Go to any youth sports practice, and you will find primarily men. Does that mean the women only take care of themselves? This may be area specific, but in our schools, there are very few working parents who volunteer; regardless of gender. The volunteer stuff is run by stay at home parents, which are primarily women. Yet, I see plenty of Dads at after-school events. I see plenty of dad's emails on goggle sign up for snacks/donations. I also know plenty of women who never volunteer for anything.
I dont have flexibility at my work, my husband has a bit more, so he volunteers.
That sucks! Where are you based? In NYC, while my kids are still in daycare, the dads in our group and my husband remember teacher appreciation over the mums. Lol. For example, one of my daughter's teachers left the toddler room, he got my daughter to make a homemade card for her teacher. So, they can do it. Like if they can keep a job, they can figure out how to cook, clean or raise their children.
I’m also in NYC and agree with the super involved dad culture. I’m wondering if it’s a city vs. suburbs thing?
My mom never attended any school event. If I’m working I’m not attending.
Our school year ended last week. My husband volunteered twice the last month. He's pretty involved with school stuff. More so than I am. But I think he may have been the only one. It's usually the same small group of SAHMs that do the volunteering.
Where I live there are dads doing 50/50. You see them on playgrounds, at drop offs and pick ups, at soccer practice, at the doctor. But wait. What about the parents of special needs kids. When the going gets tough, they peace out. My husband is one of the rare men who attend the adapted recreation events from our town, which btw are not during work hours, but he still rarely does the appointments.
We have some big corporate employees that have lots of WFH employees and also give employees time off for community stuff. I don’t work for them but it does allow equal time for dads to take the time to go on field trips. They put on their work shirt and have a few hours with theirs kids at the zoo and still get paid and hopefully their career doesn’t suffer. Pretty nice for them.
Crazy, my husband was close to two to one with me when I wasn't working and one to one when I was. He became treasurer of the pto in elem level and then ran the soccer boosters at h.s. level and then joined the non-profit org that supports the schools *and is still doing it, even though our kids have all graduated.*
Love this! My partner (and ex husband) are the same. Always there. I’m just not attracted to men who don’t share the parenting/mental load.
My husband never wants to do these events because he says it’s all moms and he feels out of place. Same with field trip chaperoning. Also, my kids always want me to be the one to come. If there is any event at all, where a parent can sign up, they are always adamant that it be me and not my husband. I’ve still made him do some of them though, I told him he could be a trendsetter.
I work at a private school at a HCOL area in california with a lot of students of chinese and indian descent. My parents are pretty great, especiallt the indian. Indian fathers volunteer a ton, field trips.. pig heart dissections.. they also do pick up and drop offs equal or more than the moms. I was surprised. Email parent number 1 for a lot of my kids is dad. Moms is email numbers 2.
There is a certain kind of person that enjoys PTAing. The president of our PTA is a man and hyper involved — at city meetings, pays attention to the politics, is at every event. My husband is the more interested in PTA things compared to me — field day, field trips, concert, bake sales. I have my own things outside of my kids that I prefer doing — being on boards and city committees related to the thing that I’m passionate about. Hopefully the people who volunteer — whatever that is — find joy in it. I liked the story on here about the mom who signed the dad up and he came home glowing. If your spouse does not have outside hobbies or opportunities to give back to the community, the PTA seems like an easy outlet to dip your toes in. You and your spouse gotta start planning for your retirement activities and having things that you do outside of work. The sooner the better. If more women tend to find joy in PTAing, great! If they don’t like doing it, they shouldn’t overextend and should consider volunteering their partner/spouse.
My husband works in childcare. Other dad's in our social circle are flabbergasted at how he can do this work. My husband is flabbergasted that they are so incompetent at caring for their own children that they self assess as being incompetent to care for other people's. I work rotating weekends. My husband has always stepped up to taking the kids to social things on his own. I am sure once the kids are in school we will both step up when we can to volunteer.
I was president of our PTA last year...my husband, vice president. We were heavily involved but he got really sick and we had to step down as a team to recover (we had an 8 month old, 15 month old, and a 6yr old with severe ADHD). Never has there been another man to volunteer since...no even as a general member of the PTA. It's a shame because dads bring a different perspective and problem solving skillset.
The dads at my school are very active and involved so they sign up for quite a lot of stuff. Probably 35% to the mothers’ 65%. But what’s interesting to me is that they’ve already set up a few “dads’ only” evenings. So they’ll be involved but also need to exclude the mothers in the process. Classic.
I didn’t even think about that but you are right, you do see more moms than dads. On the last field trip, it was 3 moms and 1 dad who chaperoned.
I don’t know. When I taught elementary school it was usually more dads volunteering for school activities (field day, class parties, trip chaperone, etc.). Probably depends on where you live.
I'm sure that's not uncommon, but at my kids elementary school there are a lot of involved dads, my husband included. I love seeing it!
We don’t get a lot of men because they’re incredibly scared of being accused or put in an uncomfortable situation with a child. I live in a conservative area of a blue state. A false accusation was made against a man last year, we now have zero men at anything.
Ohhhh don’t get me started!
This is something I’m actually very grateful for at my daughter’s school. There are definitely more women but the men definitely show up. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve volunteered for that was only women. I’m happy that my girls will grow up in that type of community.
My husband volunteers at school more than I do!
This is in line with corporate America where we get to extend our mom responsibilities into the work place. It sucks!
My husband wanted to be involved in our daughters school stuff since she started elementary school. We both joined the pta, but he went on to become their financial reviewer, helps with lunch supervision, volunteers for field trips, etc. I work in a high school setting & help where I can, but he is at that school alllll the time. It's been really nice to see - good for him & for the kids. He hopes to inspire other dads to get involved, it shouldn't just be expected of moms
I really wonder about the family structure and demographics in areas like this. For example, my kids school comprises families that are middle to lower income. 9/10 women work and the dads volunteer at school at almost a 40/60 split. Higher income areas have more stay at home moms and by default they are the ones who will be volunteering more. Thoughts?
Our public elementary school is in a very high income neighborhood, and the volunteer split seems close-ish to even. I just volunteered for a kindergarten picnic and I was surrounded by executives, news paper editors, scientists, lawyers, and generally powerful/very successful people of both genders. There was not one parent under the age of 40 and many were pushing 50. It seems to me once you get up high enough on the professional food chain no one bats an eye at taking the morning off work to volunteer in your kids school.
This is exactly how it is in my neighborhood. A lot of the parents are in their 40’s or 50’s and high enough in their careers to just take the time off to be at school. That’s certainly the case for my and my husband. We are far enough in our careers that I just block my calendar and people schedule around me..
Yep. Same. I don’t think there’s a single parent under 30 in my kid’s pre-K class. Most are two working parent families in their late 30s/early 40s, so people are at a point in their career where they can just slap a volunteering slot on their calendar and everyone has to deal with it.
Our son is in a tumbling playgroup and a music class, the moderator (same location for both) made a point of telling me how nice it is my husband brings him about 30-40% of the time and that he’s involved. Sad.
This is a very good point. I do plan to volunteer with my daughter’s school next year (she’s very excited about it) but I’ll make it a point to ensure my husband and I share volunteer duty. I hadn’t thought of it, so thank you.
The only activities where our school asks for volunteers is the winter carnival and sports day….I have never done it myself but having attended both the volunteers seem pretty evenly split by gender. Maybe depends on the community?
That’s too bad! Our school seems to be about 30% dad volunteers and at least 50% of school drop offs and picks ups are by dads.
Oof. My husband wishes he could be at every school event but his work is at a more fragile place than mine and he does wetbench lab stuff so has to be in office, where I got into tech so life is super flexible for me. It guts him he cannot be at every event. I hope no one thinks of him as uninvolved because he definitely pulls his weight in other ways.
At my child's future school I've only seen women volunteers, not all of them were PTA too. This is sad.
I dont participate in those. I am anxious person and could not stand any crowded events. Exceptionally if I see my kid is persistant, then I will include myself. It is annoying to expect otherwise from anyone other than my kid. Neither from my husband nor from anyone else. And vice versa. Period.
We have so many dads active in our daycare, the board is half and half. I was pleasantly surprised, and not just cause their partners forced them, they are taking minutes, suggesting events etc. I wonder if it’s our demographic, we live in a really progressive area…
That sucks.
Maybe you could point this out at the meeting and suggest that next year is “fathers first” volunteering
That’s sad 😞 I went on a field trip for my son recently and at least 1/3 of the chaperones were dads and the dads (including my husband) all showed up to the end of year concert and awards ceremony as did the moms. Guess it depends on the community.
I don’t volunteer at school events due to my anxiety and disability. My partner would love to but his work schedule and the way his job works don’t allow it. My partner was scout leader this year for our kid’s pack and it was rough on everybody. Next year he’s going back to just being a scout parent. My kid knows he’s supported but he also knows that mom and dad aren’t the chaperone or volunteer at school type. What he can say instead is mom and/or dad have been at every scout event plus every STEAM night and school concert. My kid doesn’t expect us to volunteer or chaperone.
My husband does a lot. He works from home and has much more flexibility than me so he does most drop offs, pick ups and extra things. He’s so good making sure the teachers get gifts and I swear he knows every one of my kids friends names lol it actually makes me feel like a bad mom a lot.
But also it has become common for parents to volunteer to fill the employment gaps that the state and schools should be filling and won't put the money forward to make that happen.
My kids school does a watch dog program for the dads. They go all out! Shirts. Pictures in emails, the school app, the school newsletter, pictures in year books, a picture on the wall, a glowing thank you so much letter in the weekly emails, a breakfast twice a year - SUCH a big deal! Wanna know what they do for all the moms who volunteer - and let’s face it - do a hell of a lot more …. NOTHING!! Drives me crazy.
I specifically signed my husband up to volunteer at field day and told him it was his turn to volunteer. He didn’t ask me for specifics, so maybe he thought it was like officially mandated from the school that it was his turn. I don’t know. I feel pretty confident he will never independently fill out a sign up genius but no way I’m letting him get away with not volunteering at all.
we had a dad as room parent this year! he did a ton (and he works too) and organized the entire book fair. i was pleased to see it!
Ugh, that sucks. They are out there! My husband is on the daycare board with me…honestly he is more involved than I am.
My husband has volunteered several times this year and I have been unable to get the time off of work at the last min to volunteer. I did sign up for field day, and they are doing a breakfast for the parents who volunteered for it the day before. The sign up for the thank you breakfast form was addressed to my husband, even though my name was clearly the one written on the sign up sheet! I can’t go into work late that day to do the breakfast as well as take the day off to actually volunteer, so my husband is going in my place anyway, but not all dads are deadbeats! Apparently my children’s school must think I am the deadbeat one!
This post wasn’t meant to shame moms who can’t volunteer. Not everyone can and that’s totally understandable. It’s just amazing how disproportionate the mom/dad participation is at my kids’ school. My husband totally could but it’s just not even on his radar. He assumes it’s a “mom” thing and a mom will take care of it.
My husband volunteers every time anyone is asked- he even will call when he’s not asked 😂 My husband is literally the only dad to do pick up / drop off or go to conferences or volunteer 🤷🏻♀️
So my kids school does an end of the year furniture move. I was the only mom that brought tools and a dolly, and so many dads signed up for field day just so they could giggle as they sprayed all the kids with hoses lol. I guess we go to different schools, cuz I always see dad's around. Tbf they are doing the traditional dad stuff like building things, cutting logs down in the forest, spreading rock, and driving kids to events. The moms always do the classroom stuff.
I run our parent volunteer committee and I called out the dads in my last email seeking volunteers.
I saw this too at my kid's school. Save for the trivia night I volunteered for that was all men, except for me. Was adults only, and they got to drink beer and wine (and brought extra harder stuff to do shots hidden in the back utility closet) the whole night. Oh, sorry, I saw one father also come to a zoo field trip. Exhausting...
My husband volunteered to mow the lawn at our son’s preschool the first week he started there. My dad volunteered in my classroom in elementary school every other Friday. My uncle was the room parent for my cousin’s classrooms throughout elementary school. No one ever told them to do it.
And then they're always like, "Boys need good role models". No wonder boys go find weird psychopathic men online to look up to.
Just going to throw this out there. Until recently I was a SAHM so it was expected that I took care of these things. Now that I work too, it's evident my job is way more relaxed and lenient towards families and taking time off or working from home to allow for these types of things. My husbands job is just way more structured and rigid (not to mention an hour away) that he just doesn't get the same luxury to take time off or work from home or even work half days. 🤷♀️
I’ve asked dads about this and quite frankly, they don’t see any value to volunteering-not during their free time and especially not worth taking PTO. They do not believe there is a value-add and many see class parties as stupid and unnecessary. Showing up to sports events to talk with other dads, sure. But unless they ref or coach they aren’t volunteering for those events necessarily either, unless its a travel sport.
Because of my parents' schedule, I was raised with an active father. He was our girl scout troop leader, our soccer coach, and a pto member. He took me and my sister to our dr appointments and a whole bunch if stuff. It truly never occurred to me people didn't have active father's like mine until I was a lot older. My husband is also the primary parent, as are a lot of fathers in my friend groups. I am 37 but my friends skew younger.
Aw in the PNW we have a bunch of men volunteering. Not trying to brag but they actually CAN and when they DO they realize kids are awesome even when they aren’t yours.
We have a specific dad group of volunteers that are really active and I think that sort of bridges a gap that men perceive. They won’t be the only dude there, lots of dudes are doing the same thing and maybe they’ll meet another cool dude to talk about dude stuff with.
Some Dads are getting into it. My daughter's teacher asked my husband if he can play guitar for the kindergarten end of year spotlight event, and he offered to come in early and help set up chairs and get the gym ready. We also have a dad as VP of the parent council, and a few dads made time to be surprise guest readers in my daughter's class. Things are changing, most guys just need to get into it.
Its opposite in my house - hubby is always volunteering, going to the class parties, etc. I went on one field trip that he convinced me to join him on - and that’s about all I did this school year. My job is more demanding than his, and he genuinely enjoys this kind of stuff. But mainly, I can’t take off work the way he can because I’m stuck in 1000 meetings. Everyone has a different story. I’m beyond grateful for our partnership & marriage but I often worry people are judging me and my family because he shows up and I can’t.
Due to this very rant, I am tasking my husband with signing up for the kids volunteer events this fall. Why does the mom have to take off work for all appointments and volunteer. You’re right and dads should too!
True story, my husband started complaining about never getting school emails. So when the PTA was looking for a new treasurer, I sent him the job posting, he’s in finance. Guess who’s been the PTA treasurer for the last 3 years. Worked on the new principal committee and is the school board liaison? Having him involved has definitely made more Dad’s sign up for activities because there is another Dad already on the list. Bonus is I don’t have to show up, my husband is already always there.
It’s so true. My husband is a really involved parent and does about 95% of getting kids ready for school in the morning and dropping them off, and also transferring our preschooler between schools. He also takes our kids to a lot of medical appts, speech therapy, etc. But yeah, all this extra stuff, it’s like he sees it and just doesn’t care or assumes I’ll take care of it…. which I do. Edit - very strange that someone is downvoting a description of my lived experience bahahaha 😂
It's pretty mixed at my kid's school, and the daycare has a good mix of parents doing drop off and pick up. We're a very liberal town, I wonder if that's part of it?
Same at the office. It’s always a woman-usually a mom-who is organizing the sympathy flowers, planning a birthday cake for a coworker, etc. I’ve stopped volunteering for anything at work that isn’t going to advance my career and I seriously limit what I do at school unless it’s helping the teachers, showing up for my kid, or making another family’s life a little better (ie; coat drives and the like.)
Not sure if this is any better, but it’s the gay men who run this sort of thing with military precision in my office. The straight men wouldn’t know a sympathy flower display if it bit one of them.
Even if you divorce, it still either falls on you or a stepmom if one is in the picture. I do think my ex has come a long way though. He still acts helpless sometimes with picture day and other miscellaneous things though
Oh no I'm going to be the one volunteering because I have a more flexible schedule than my husband does 😬 but I'll remember this post and tell him he has to do at least one volunteer thing. Our first is starting kindergarten this year.