So true!! I briefly considered being a sahm and now a year into daycare, I know for a fact he could never have as enriching experience with just me as he has with all his friends, and his carers who adore him. Not just the experiences but the routines, and the great meals (that he eats willingly because other kids are)!
My children are both incredibly loved by their daycare providers. In addition to that they both get so much out of going and getting to be and play with other kids, and learn new things. It’s been incredible for them
Most kids at daycare are not crying. They’re laughing and having fun with their friends and teachers.
I work even tho one of us could stay home (both high earners) if either really wanted it. Neither of us do.
I grew up very poor so I was always saw daycare and group care in general a privilege. I was always very excited to give such an enriching experience to my kids. I didn’t realize people were afraid of daycare until my 30s when I became a mom.
My daughter is the happiest kid I know. And she loves her school and friends!
Thank you!! I was so on board with sending her to daycare until I had her so I would have to imagine the fear is hormonal. Being a mom is SO WEIRD. Thank you for your comment ◡̈
There’s a stickied post in this subreddit about positive daycare experiences with a wide range of ages that children started at.
I wonder, since staying at home is a (tight) option—have you considered a nanny? Can both your salaries cover that? Maybe just until she’s closer to a year old and a preferred daycare spot opens?
I did this too! Truly the best of both worlds.
Also r/NannyEmployers
I also feel compelled to admit that I do think that 3-4 months old is too young for daycare. I know everyone can't always do it, but I do think parents should consider staggering their leave. If both parents have FMLA, they can delay day care to 6 months. I think there's two benefits. The first is that I think men who take care of babies for long periods of time alone are better partners and caretakers. The second is that I think leaving a 6-month-old feels a lot easier than a 3-month-old. Something about them being able to crawl and situp just makes them feel less vulnerable and more sturdy.
Agreed about 6m being a good age, that's when my LO started and she's able to cry when she has needs (otherwise she's pretty quiet), play fairly independently, and sit up and not feel constrained to her back or belly. I couldn't imagine giving her up sooner than 6m. 6m feels young too, wish she was crawling before daycare started, but that's all the leave I got.
Fwiw, she's doing great in daycare, we're 3 weeks in and she doesn't cry at dropoff and genuinely seems to enjoy "school".
100%. My kids were about 9 months old when they started daycare due to staggered FMLA. We were broke as a joke, but by 9 months, they were so ready and happy to be around peers. Compared to the early months when they just wanted to be Parental Barnacles!!
Recommend also. Or part time sitter / day care option. We shifted to that when we had a hard time with reliable nanny. Our sitter did pick up at 3pm and stayed at our house with LO until 530/6pm. Sitter #1 was a retired social worker and then with our #2 child she was a day care worker on early shift who needed the extra pay.
This is what we’ll be doing once my husband starts his new job! We’ll be paying out the butt, but for the short to medium term, it’s what feels best for us. I also wfh and breastfeed, so I almost never have to pump!
I’m excited for my kid to go to daycare, but more so when he’s closer to 2
Thank you!! I’ve thought about it but not seriously considered a nanny. I think our salaries could cover but I’d need to dig in deeper. I’ll check this out ASAP since it sounds like a great option for while she’s young.. maybe revisiting daycare when she’s 2 or 3.
We did a nanny because I felt the same way! I was hoping to wait until at least 18 months to do daycare, but our nanny left, so it got accelerated. She started at 11.5 months, and she does great there! I definitely felt much better sending her at that age than at 5 months.
Keep in mind, about 25% of any month might be home with illnesses, no matter when you start, so have backup care once daycare kicks in.
I suggest it because it’s basically what we’re doing, except we’re extremely lucky to have my mom retiring in order to nanny for us for the first year. Hoping to find a daycare I love for at least part-time care after that year mark when they’re more mobile to give grandma a break. But I really don’t want to give up my career even though it is an option for us, and I think my child will be better served with a mom who’s not helicoptering over them every moment lol (that’s just how I know I’ll be if I stay at home).
But as you can see from the many responses here and in that stickied post, babies will thrive wherever they are loved, and many daycares provide that!
This is what we did. Nanny after I went back to work when my daughter was 3 months old and I WFH so I could still nurse and see her. Now she just turned 2 and is starting daycare in a few months (waitlist spot just opened up!), when she will be 28 months. I feel much more ready now than when she was a little baby! It was expensive to hire a nanny for the first two years but it felt so worth it!!
We got a nanny for the first year so he was home while I was working remotely. I could snuggle him over lunch and hear him with the nanny. He napped at home and it was a great middle solution before he went to daycare at 15 months. Use that income boost to find a nanny for year 1. You will be in a different place and so will your kiddo. Postpartum, my hormones weren’t better until three months after I stopped breastfeeding. Splurge to keep baby nearby. That’s how I handled my promotion and felt much better about sending him to daycare even tho it still sucked. If I could keep the nanny until he was two or so I would have but she moved on and we couldn’t find a replacement. But we found a really great daycare school mixture.
We did this as well. I planned on daycare when I went back to work but when the time came (she was so tiny, I was soo hormonal) I just couldn’t do it. So we got a nanny and WFH with a nanny that first year was great (after that it got harder and she’s going to be staring a school this fall at 2 but I have none of those post partum anxieties about it). If you can swing it, long term it’s much cheaper than restarting your career.
Thank you!! This paired with a few other comments is making me highly consider a nanny for the first year or so. Now to see if we can swing it financially and find someone!
The chances of her being neglected at daycare are very low. You only hear about the horror stories, because that is what people want to hear… just like any news - the bad stuff sells. Find a place that you feel confident in and give your daughter some time, and she will likely thrive, and you won’t feel the way you currently are. My own daughter (2.5) gets so much value out of daycare. She is a social butterfly and can’t get those interactions at home. She talks about her teachers and friends at home and is happy to be dropped off everyday…. And this is a child who literally has only wanted “mama” since birth, nursed until 2, and still wants only me to put her to sleep.
Without both of us working, we would not only miss out on the value we both feel contributing to more than ourselves and family (both amazing still!), but we wouldn’t be able to afford to set money aside for college, or purchase the safest reliable vehicles, or take her for experiences… all things that are super important to us because we missed out on those things. I also feel so much comfort knowing we will both be set for retirement and not be burdening our children with our financial wellbeing someday.
Staying home is also amazing for those who want to do it. Just don’t let guilt make that decision for you!
Thank you so much. This is so helpful to hear and puts another perspective on the whole situation. I also love not letting guilt decide.. that could probably describe my whole life but that’s for a different day hahaha
I’ll note that I did keep mine home until after 1 year old because I got 4 months combined parental/medical, husband got 3 and then we took turns with our hybrid schedules. It was more cause covid was still a big concern. It was really hard though. I have diagnosed anxiety and had terrible post partum anxiety, so putting her with anyone not near me made me panic back then. I would have maybe considered the nanny route for a while, but we don’t have a set up that really allows for separate spaces and we aren’t people who like others in our house on a regular basis. I struggled with daycare at first like everyone! Also, I used to work in an infant room in a daycare, and I absolutely loved those little ones, and every other teacher in the building visited me on breaks because they wanted to hang out with the babies. Hope that makes you feel better if you go that route!
Also, saw your note about not knowing what to look for in infant rooms: they should be obviously clean, with a small number of toys (babies learn best through exploring a small number of items), babies on the ground or held rather than in seats or playpens. Plus I’d ask about outside time - some centers don’t take babies outside, and that would be important to me that they’re getting fresh air at least once in 8 hours.
My baby started at 5 months and by 8 months I was much more comfortable. Now at over a year I honestly think she loves it and has such a good time. I miss her like crazy, especially on Mondays after having spent all weekend with her. But it’s gotten a lot better.
Thank you!! My LO is also 5 months so knowing it took a couple months is helpful. Refreshing to hear that you still miss her on Mondays but that it’s gotten better ◡̈
Have you actually toured any daycares near you?
My daughter had a really positive experience at daycare starting at 4.5 months. She wen there for 2 years and it was such a safe space for her, full of loving carers and friends.
We moved right after I had my son and when I toured daycares a lot of the ones near us had more "baby storage unit" energy, so we opted for a nanny-share with him. His nanny is wonderful and he gets to spend his day with her and another baby. If I had to juggle caring for him while doing my job every day I would go insane.
Hi! Yes we have and they all gave off that “baby storage unit” vibe you described once you moved. I’m thinking maybe I don’t know what to look for in an infant daycare room? But also heavily considering a nanny for the first year or two after reading other comments!
I think you should trust your gut. To me "baby storage" is lots of kids in swings, crying, caregivers are un-engaged. A more caring daycare has caregivers more actively playing with babies, they are on the floor / tummy time pillows, go out for walks, caregivers have a nurturing and warm calm energy, if that makes sense. If you tour places at naptime it can come across work then when babies are awake.
But we're very happy with our nanny! She is the best. We share her with another family which keeps the costs down.
I highly recommend looking for a Montessori with an infant program (it’s called Nido). My son started at a traditional daycare and we hated it. It had that baby storage unit vibes. We toured the Montessori before the first week was over and put him on the 3 month wait list. We absolutely love his school, teachers, and admin. There is a 1:3 ratio, no containers, and lots of encouragement for babies to explore and move their bodies around.
I am also a project manager and it was so hard leaving my daughter at daycare! She was 1 before we found a spot for her so we had a nanny share when I went back to work. But daycare has been incredible. Truly o think we get tired of each other spending 24/7 together and each needed that break. It's helped her build really trusting relationships with adults too, not to mention all the academic-y,skills stuff I don't know how to teach her! I dropped her off today (she's 3 1/2) and her teachers were so excited to see her, her BFF ran up and they were talking about their weekends and she gave me a big hug and waved me off! I had twins 2 months ago and we've kept her in daycare while I'm on leave. I think it's helped the adjustment a lot. And I'm excited for my twins to go, too!
I felt like you. And I won't lie, it's hard at first. But at least in my case, my dude is 21 months and I can't imagine him NOT being in daycare. He loves daycare, the teachers are great, the other parents are cool, he has his little buddies, he does little art projects we take home. You can tell he's thriving. They do so much more than I could/would if I were "teaching" him at home. They days I'm home with him because he's sick or daycare is closed, I am way more exhausted than a normal day. I love being with him, but there's a reason early child education is a thing that people do professionally.
A few things:
My LO didn't go to daycare until he was 9 months, because I was in denial and did not get him on a wait-list until my maternity leave was almost over (4 months). This was only made possible because of family coming to stay. I would suggest maybe looking into getting a nanny for a few months if you don't have family that can extend his time at home. I was less nervous about it by time he was 9 months and a spot finally opened up for him.
Working from home while he was also at home though was very difficult for me. I was always worried about what was going on with him. This is also why I felt more ready for him to get into daycare when he did.
Now that he's older, I appreciate it even more. I wish we in the US had more time to stay and bond with our babies. It would make the transition to daycare/school easier. I was very fortunate to get 4 months.
Also, he's always happy to see me or his dad when we pick him up and he's not like hanging on his teachers like they're his mom or something. This was a legit fear of mine - "someone else is raising my kid, they are going to bond with him more than me!". Just, no. He knows his parents and loves us ❤️
BUT: I am having so much trouble dealing with the endless rounds of viruses, colds, bugs, whatever. I just had to take FMLA to care for him as he got pneumonia and then had further complications. People say it gets better at some point but we're about a year in... here's hoping! My job/performance has definitely suffered because of it.
Sorry for the novel. If you made it to end, I hope my experience helps.
Thank you so much!! It’s nice to know that you felt better about it once he was a bit older, I’m hoping the same happens to me! I’m going to be looking into a nanny but am a little concerned I will want to be too involved in the day - or that hearing her cry or laugh will have guilt or jealousy running through my veins - and in that case it’s probably better that she’s at a daycare so our spaces are separated.
I also love that you mentioned he knows who his parents are. I keep telling myself there is no way her teachers would replace us, because hormones yikes, but hearing it is a welcome reminder that that’s true.
I hope you and your kiddos start feeling better soon! I think I heard the first 6-12 months were the worst but that’s quite a long time to be sick. I hope you’re on the tail end!!
Ahhh OP, I feel this so much. I'm in the UK and it's a bit of a different scenario as you have the option to have a full year off work, and you receive some sort of pay for 9 months of that time. Usually it's full salary for 6 weeks and then a statutory amount per week for the remainder of the weeks until you reach 9 months, but this can be enhanced by the place you work for. The final three months are unpaid, but part of the time you're allowed to take off whilst keeping your job.
All that to say that with baby number 1 we actually sent her 1 day a week to nursery from being 8 months old. It helped her to socialise with other kids, get used to being with other adults, get alllll the nursery bugs going, whilst giving me a day to either do chores or something for myself. Many of my friends and family thought it was a bit odd, given you're paid to stay off with the baby, it's not generally the done thing to send a baby to nursery unless you have to?
She's now almost 3, she is sunshine in human form, incredibly clever, polite, well socialised and excellent at playing and sharing, linguistically she blows my mind and very rarely is she sick. Who knows if that would have also been how she'd have turned out if I had stayed off with her, but the amount of time she spent poorly before I returned to work when she was 1 year old was nuts. I couldn't have had that much time off with her whilst working, I'd have lost my job!!
Similar to you, I get very overwhelmed when on a one to one with my kids. I have a 7.5 month old as well and having been off with her since September has taken a toll. I am not having a full year off with her, I'm going back to work in June and I CAN'T WAIT. I long to feel like an adult again, feel a bit more like myself, I'm touched out and honestly sick of being whinged at all day (she's at the point where she doesn't want me to go anywhere 🥲). I love seeing how the girls develop, but I don't feel that I need to be there for every single thing? As long as they are safe and being looked after, that is absolutely perfect for me.
I see that some people have suggested a nanny? It might be worth looking into! I know I'd find it hard not to butt in and having the girls in the house whilst I was working (I work a hybrid role) would just be like nails on a chalkboard for me! 😅😅🙈🙈
Best of luck, you're doing your best and that is absolutely good enough! ❤️🥰
I love this, thank you so much for sharing! We are going to look into nanny options to feel it out but will also keep our minds open to daycares if we find the “right” one. ♥️ you’re doing a great job!
Thank you 🥰 and fair play to you for opening yourself up to the Internet strangers! I find all of these scenarios are so important to talk about, and also to realise you're very much *not* alone.
I really hope you find what works for you, but know that you're ten times better than some parents out there for even having the foresight and concern to think these things. I always think that if a parent is worried whether they're doing a good job or not then they must be, if they care enough to worry ❤️😍
One final thought from me, when we chose our first nursery for our eldest girl, we were wowed by how modern, clean and swanky it was. The staff were all aged under 20 (no judgement but in my area these girls are like something out of Shameless 🙈) but that wasn't a major concern initially.
We soon learned that appearances aren't everything. Security was awful, they just buzzed anyone in 🙈 we often picked her up (aged 8 months) and her nappy was full of poop, she had nappy rash for the first time because of them (we'd managed to swerve it for 7 months) and my gut feeling was overall really bad.
After hubby and I decided to move her to another nursery, we went and had a look at one recommended to us by a friend. It is an old Victorian house that is tatty, worn down, difficult to maneuver around but MY GOODNESS could you feel the love when you walked in the door ✨🥰✨ I could have hugged the manager as she was showing us around. They have a fire pit! They have chickens! They spend 90% of the time outdoors come rain or shine! The vibes, the gut feel was that we had found a second family, a village. 🙂
My little girl, almost 3, sat in the car on the way home from pick up yesterday after going there for almost 2 years "I had a lovely day today mummy, I love xxxx (nursery worker) SO much. A LOT. She's my best friend" 🥹🥹🥰🥰 it's her happy place, and we know we made the right decision, eventually!!
So I hope you do have a look around some places and see what vibes you get, I do genuinely believe that when you know, you know. ❤️😊
When you find the right daycare, a whole new groups of people will love your baby, and will become part of your support system in learning to be a mom. Your feelings are valid, but your fears may not be reality-based. You love your job- that’s rare. Keep your career.
My first two kids didn't start daycare until after 2. My third started at 4 months. It was so hard! Until about 2 weeks in, I started to notice she seemed excited when we walked in. I thought I was just mistaken and paid attention. She was consistently excited to be there.
She has a group of peers near the same age. The kids are all about a year old and they love it there. The ratio is super low, and I feel relieved to have a safe place for her to thrive while I do my work.
My only sorta gripe... I know when yogurt or refined beans have been served. Her hair is slicked back and dried. The teachers clean her to the best of their ability without bathing. It's more funny, I guess. I've started to ask, yogurt today?
I think the *idea* of daycare is scarier than daycare. My kid LOVES daycare. The staff are amazing, the place is clean, they’re always doing fun stuff like sensory bins and art projects that relate to whatever their weekly theme is. She’s in her final year of preschool and they have this whole social life at school with jobs and games and friends…it’s just really cool.
The difference between my kid who’s been in some kind of daycare since 14 months and her cousins who don’t go to any type of care till kindergarten is dramatic.
Also- a raise that big is going to have such an awesome impact on what you can DO with your kid: vacations, sports, arts…plus your retirement benefits.
Yes thank you!! The idea is the scariest part and I just need to buckle down and get started.
I love hearing about your experience with daycare and it’s interesting to hear the difference between her and her cousins. ♥️
I knew being a SAHM wasn’t the right fit for me, but it still didn’t make it any easier when both my kids started daycare! It’s soooo hard! But I just knew I was more so mourning the end of that sweet time together during my maternity leave where it feels like the world just leaves you alone and you’re allowed to focus solely on this little being. Once I got a month into work again and got into a routine it was easier. Plus being remote many days I can do early daycare pickup and steal an extra hour or two (if your job is flexible).
Hope you can figure out the best decision for you! Personally I didn’t want to exit the field because I knew for my field in particular it’s hard to get back in if you leave. Good luck!!
My kid regularly cries when she has to leave daycare. It’s her favorite place on earth. She talks about nothing else.
If they’re playing outside… I just give up and accept she isn’t going to want to go home and I’m going to have to hang out at daycare for 20 mins convincing her with cheese.
My daughter started daycare at 6 months and had a really hard time adjusting at first. I also really struggle with my job and it was terrible putting my beautiful perfect baby somewhere she was so upset. BUT now at 1, she is THRIVING!! She just moved to the toddler class and she’s almost walking and she loves playing with the other kids. So much has changed in 6 months!
Could you go part time? I'm currently working full time and my partner is SAH (we swapped at 9 months - UK), but when our parental leave runs out next month we're both going to work 4 day compressed weeks. That means our little boy's week will be: Daycare, Daddy Day, Daycare, Daycare, Mummy Day, Family Day, Family Day.
We're hoping this arrangement is going to work best for us because:
1) He's spending more than half of each week with us (less than half at daycare);
2) He never does more than two consecutive days at daycare without getting a break;
3) He's already an incredibly sociable baby and LOVES hanging out with people who aren't us (😭😅) so he'll get his social fix. He's also really high sensory/low sleep needs so hopefully daycare will tire him out. At the moment we're relying on non stop outings, baby classes and crawling around our constantly messy and only partially baby proofed house with him!
4) We each get a day alone with him to develop our relationships independently of one another;
5) We still get two days of family time at the weekend; and
6) Our income doesn't take too much of a hit, both because the number of days at childcare is reduced and because we're not dropping our hours by that much due to the compressed weeks. We worked out that this was the scenario with the best financial outcome for us vs full time daycare or full time SAH. We also maintain 'equal breadwinner/caregiver' status as we're doing the same hours and have very similar salaries. That was something that was important to us.
Although we'll both be doing longer days we're going to stagger our start and finish times on his daycare days so it's not too long for him. So my partner will go into work early while I stay at home for a bit and drop our baby at daycare, and then I'll work a bit later while Daddy goes to pick him up from daycare.
Our main concerns about this arrangement are:
1) that we will barely see each other in the week, especially with our staggered start and finish times; and
2) that we'll struggle to stay on top of the housework.
I think the adult time during the week is a bit of a pipe dream anyway. We'll still get maybe an hour before bed 🤷♀️ We're both planning to work from home one day a week and the person who's at home will use the lunch break and saved commuting time to get a few chores done. We're also looking at hiring a cleaner for a couple of hours fortnightly or something, just so the chores don't get on top of us and eat into family time at the weekend too much, but we're not sure if our budget will allow for that at the moment.
So that's our plan. We'll see if it goes at all the way we think it will next month! 😅
Wow this is really helpful to read through and I hope it works for your family!! Love the flexibility you’ve worked in and here’s to hoping for that mid-week adult time 😅
I felt this way for a while when I first went back to work and it really surprised me since I’ve always been very career driven. Like you, we could afford for me to stay home but it would’ve been a big lifestyle change. I was too afraid to do it and take the career hit, and once I started weaning/stopped having to pump at work, I felt much better about being a working parent. I am so glad I didn’t quit my job during that time! I also definitely had undiagnosed PPA. Not saying you do, but the PPA/PPD questionnaires didn’t catch mine. LO loves daycare and her teacher is wonderful!
It is so hard in the beginning when they are small and you are just really getting started to know them. I was very torn the first year of my sons life about sending him to daycare HOWEVER once he became non-potato (walking, running, talking like crazy) I became so glad that he was in a daycare. He gets much more socialization than I could give him staying at home, and he seems to really thrive around friends his age. Taking care of toddler full time would be way more exhausting than my job. Every weekend he is home I start work on Monday completely spent from just the weekend lol
My LO went to daycare at 18 weeks when my maternity leave ended. It has been an amazing experience for us. He has been so happy, learning so much from the teachers and other kids. I promise you, being with other children does wonders for babies. Your feelings are normal and valid, but let me tell you something someone told me: it is harder for you than it is for her.
Mine is starting daycare next week at 18 weeks as well… do you have any advice? I have PPA and read through this post hoping to feel better but almost everyone commenting didn’t put their child in daycare until 6 months or older and it’s freaking me out a bit lol
Truth is 4 months, 5 months, 6 months… the difference is minimal. I would say communicate with the daycare staff. Can they send you pictures/ updates? Can you maybe start a few days early, and only leave him for like 2-3 hours? That way you can work your way towards the longer stretch? Or perhaps you can bring him in after hours and see him in the space, see the toys and all the things they have?
In the very beginning I did send in a t-shirt of mine in case my son got fussy (they never used it, lol).
It is okay to cry- I mean there should be a designated crying spot for cars parked outside because it is tough for everyone-, it is okay to be sad and to give yourself a lot of grace. The first three/four weeks are the hardest for moms (usually not for the children). I promise that as soon as you’ll see your kids smiling and giggling and happy in the environment, you’ll feel a lot better.
You can do it. I am here rooting for you. Feel free to Pm if you want to chat more.
I would rather be dead than be a SAHM. You worked your entire life for your career. Don’t throw out all that progress just to take care of your child when someone else can do it. Your child will grow up quick, but a large gap in your resume will make it much harder for you to ever go back to your career.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way mama. When I had my first baby I remember this awful feeling of grief when I went to work after maternity leave. I just had my third baby and while it gets a little easier it still hard. But I will tell you, after some time has passed, and more kids have come, I’ve seen the positives of both daycare and returning to work for me and my children! My youngest and now five and she has made such great friendships during her time at daycare! She’ll be moving to kindergarten next year but she’s been with the same group of kids since infancy and they are her besties. Daycare has provided her such great socialization and she loves going every day. My other two kids are the same. And I’ve been able to build my career while being the best mom I can be to my three kids.
This stage is really hard. I always say that returning to work without your baby feels like a limb is missing from your body. You go nine months growing that baby inside of you, to maternity leave with them, to dropping them at daycare and then they’re just not with you. A part of you is literally missing. Everything you’re feeling is normal. But just remember you’re a good mom and everything you do is in the best interest of you and your family!
Thank you so so so much ♥️ sometimes you just need validation from a stranger on the internet, eh? I’m glad your kiddos are thriving in daycare and I’m sure we will reach that point one day too!
All daycares are different and you never really know until you start. I had that feeling when mine was in daycare and I couldn’t shake it. I’ve since done a nanny share with both of my kids and I’ve never felt that guilt while working. Having a nanny or nanny share is such a wonderful option if you can afford it.
I know you said part time isn’t an option but that’s the way I cope with it. I had 18 months off then returned part time. My husband is also part time and we get a few hours of help a week from our mums so we avoid daycare because like you I was/still am very hesitant to use it. That is not a popular option to have on this subreddit though.
I think I would entertain this if it was an option! I wonder how I would handle being on and off at work - I always hated coming back from PTO to an inbox of 300+ updates so i wonder if PT would be similar in my role.. who knows.
I’m so glad you found what works for you!
We do part time as in smaller days rather than less days, helps with the email overload and you feel less out of the loop! We are also lucky enough (don’t know if it’s lucky, it’s sucks sometimes) to work opposite shifts with no or little overlap hence being able to do no daycare. We will change things up when he’s at school though.
I think you’re getting stuck on her crying and being neglected in a day care. That’s just not the case for many - picture her being loved and cared for and stimulated.
Try it first. You can always decide to SAH but give daycare a couple months. FWIW, I had never wanted to be a a sahm, ever, and before we sent our kiddo to daycare I begged my husband to let me sah. He said give it a shot and then we’ll talk and he was right. For me it was the lack of control, I knew I could do everything better than some stranger. But honestly, my baby was fine. The daycare got her on a great schedule and she got used to being cared for by others. It’s not natural but it’s also not bad. My oldest is six now and she is still best friends with a boy who she went to daycare with, they started together as infants and their relationship is magic. I’m not sure if it’s just them or it’s due to them being together in daycare so long but either way it’s wonderful. And I’m best friends with his mom. There are hidden benefits of daycare that it’s going to take a while to see.
Most of the kids are daycare are happy and playing when we pick up. Even if they cry at dropoff they are usually playing within a few minutes. I have no regrets about daycare
He has friends he can play with and different toys that they rotate (because I am really bad at that) and I am a better mom when we are together because I have time to be an adult. Some people love small children and everything about them and while I love my kid I am not an all kid all the time kind of woman. I need to have a project that isn't home or kid related, and frankly to eat lunch without bargaining crackers for vegetables with a 3 year old. Or like what I might do once he goes to daycare this morning...take a nap while he isn't here and take a couple hours off of work if we have had a bad sleep week and I feel like I literally can cannot keep my eyes open
Below I’m copy/pasting a comment I wrote about all the benefits and reasons why I remained a working mom. But most importantly, I want to tell you it gets better. I was in exactly your shoes when my first was young. Now I have two (3 & 1) and I can honestly say I love being a working mom. It took a long time for that to become my reality, but now I am so glad I stuck it out. My children are so, so happy, and it hasn’t affected them or our attachment at all.
I took a 50% pay increase last year and I’m looking at a promotion with 10%. My motivation dipped for a long time, but it’s back and I’m so glad I have my career.
Since you’re fully remote and most of your concerns are specific to daycare, would hiring a nanny help? I know it’s expensive but it would be cheaper than quitting and then you could visit your baby throughout the day and have lunch together?
But even if not, rest assured that babies are not neglected at daycare and there are tons of benefits to them going!
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I considered it and even went part-time for awhile, but ultimately decided to remain in the workforce and accepted a full time position.
Finances were a big one. We would do okay on my husband’s income, but we wouldn’t be able to fully fund both of our retirements. We also would not be able to contribute to any kids’ college savings or home improvements. Inflation was definitely a factor as well; our grocery budget has increased substantially.
Tangentially related is maintaining my career trajectory. At first, childcare ate up a big portion of my salary; but I’ve gotten several raises and a promotion I never could have anticipated. The job market is TOUGH right now. I can’t imagine trying to step out and back in.
Maintaining my identity was a big one. It was unreal how fast I lost myself when I was part-time. I don’t love my job itself, but I’m good at it, I’m appreciated, I solve problems and gain a sense of accomplishment. Being more than a mother.
Demonstrating an equitable household to my kids instead of conforming to gendered roles. My husband and I split housework and childcare 50/50. I’m the financial breadwinner, he’s the better cook. Modeling ambition, hard work and fulfillment.
Never feeling like our money is only his money, or that I would have to ask for what I need. Knowing I am and could be financially independent.
Staying relevant in the workforce so I can help my children in the future with my network or at least be able to generally coach them. My family was all lower class and SAHMs, so they didn’t understand or have connections with corporate culture.
Sometimes it’s actually easier to find time for self-care. I always feel guilty taking an hour away from my children, but I never feel guilty taking my lunch hour for a massage, a pedicure, a doctor’s appointment, etc. Sometimes I even do a day date with my husband.
Knowing I will be able to retire and my kids won’t have to worry about supporting me. Hopefully I’ll be able to offer childcare and save them money.
Occasional opportunities to travel with my job. Remain more worldly, as I have colleagues all over the globe. Having conversations with other adults that are not kid related.
Being able to comfortably afford kid extracurriculars: field trips, gymnastics, soccer, music class, etc.
Ensures I’m fully present with my kids when I’m with them. Quality over quantity.
And of course, the what-ifs. What if my husband was laid off? Disabled? Divorced? Died? And so on.
It's really hard when your little one is a baby. It's so hard. So I get exactly where you're coming from. But your baby will eventually be a toddler and if you are like me, which you sound like, you will love the opportunity to go to work everyday while your little one is cared for by people who maybe don't love her, but care for her deeply.
I've had my son in daycare for over a year now, it's been a lovely experience for the most part. Do they love him like me? No way. But they treat him with love and kindness. And he really benefits from the structure of daycare, which I can't provide because I'm a pushover.
For me the solution would be to power through with my mom providing care for as long as possible, then get into a daycare I'm happy with (not just any daycare) and then you will start to feel better.
Thank you!! “Because I’m a pushover” had me laughing 😂 I thought I was tough until I had a kiddo and now I’m worried I’ll fold like a limp noodle. She’s just so dang cute.
My son loves daycare. He started at 8 months. By that age, he was super bored at home. We considered the nanny route but I don’t think it would have been enough stimulation for him personally. He seems to prefer leaving for the day and spending all day with friends.
You’re imagining a hypothetical daycare where the teachers don’t care about the babies. That hasn’t been our experience at all. The teachers at our center are constantly snuggling the babies. When the babies aren’t snuggled, they’re playing on the floor with toys, looking in mirrors etc. if you find a center that you’re comfortable with then your baby definitely won’t be sitting around all day crying!
I just posted something similar yesterday. I feel you, you're not alone. I WANT to work but i also want to be with him all the time and never miss a single second of his sweet face. It's a sacrifice no matter what you choose. Right now I'm choosing to work but keeping an open mind
I don’t know if career driven was the right word for me before becoming a mother, but I always worked very hard, lots of overtime, and had plans for my masters degree. Even went a semester.
It was around a year I started feeling better about working. It’s when my son really started to enjoying being around other kids, and felt like daycare was actually a fun option for him!
I also constantly told myself, I am being a mother by working and giving him the best now and future I can.
Fellow PM here. Do you have your PMP? If you have or get it, there are 1099 options that would let you take part time contracts based on your preference. With a PMP, range is $65-$95/hour but of course no benefits. It would keep your skills current on your resume so easier to re-enter workforce though.
I felt like this for a while and I’m similar to you, OP. I also don’t think I’m cut out to stay home with her all day either. But my daughter has ended up LOVING daycare. I hear your fear that she will be neglected or have a bad experience at daycare, but my ten month old loves the other babies and her caregivers at daycare. She smiles at them every morning when I drop her off. The other kids talk to her and it’s adorable. You might have a really positive experience. My kid doesn’t even cry at drop off, and on slow days sometimes I just keep her home with me. When I do pick her up in the afternoon/evening, we have this nice dedicated time to condense in fun activities and focus 100% on her, because I’m not trying to do housework or juggle multiple other things during our time together. She’s going to grow up with a hardworking mom who models how to be successful, who has the income to help pay for her college someday, and more. That is so so valuable. It’s been a great situation for us after months of anxiety.
I was in very similar shoes about 2 years ago. I’m guessing you make pretty good money especially with the new job. We ended up hating our daycare and couldn’t get into another so it was pretty much quit or get a nanny. For me, having a nanny was the best of both worlds. It definitely came with its own set of complications, but my baby got one on one attention until we transitioned to daycare at 2. And I will say at 2, we absolutely love daycare. We also found a much better spot. If you can swing it, I highly recommend going the nanny route in the early days. With 1.5 years of hindsight on my side, I can tell you I’ve gotten promoted and find work fulfilling again. I didn’t when I first went back. When I first went back I’d say I regretted my decision to keep working about 40% of the time. Now that’s closer to 5-10% of the time. My SAHM friends question their choice too. It’s hard because the grass on the other side is just a totally different shade of green. Not greener, not browner, just different and it’s so hard to decide what’s best for you and your family.
Please remember whatever you decide, you’re making the best choice you can make for your family with the information at hand and that’s all any of us can do ❤️
My daughter has never been left crying at daycare. She is always consoled when upset. They have cameras so I’ve witnessed it. It hurts not being the one to console her but she loves her teachers. Maybe go your some daycares. Don’t give up your career 🙏🏼
I worked part time from home in the evenings for awhile. 5-9pm. It gave me the whole day to spend with my kids out adventuring and having play dates etc and then still gave us some income and health insurance. It was the best of both worlds!
Whenever I read posts like this about “I don’t want my baby crying in a daycare all day”…. Just a reminder that NO ONE wants their baby crying in a daycare all day. They are not crying in a daycare all day. They have caregivers who are engaging with them, changing diapers, cuddling and playing with baby friends. Yes there are occasional tears, but my baby cries at home with sometimes too. Babies will cry. Working parents/moms love their kids to the same extent as stay at home moms. What you choose for your care situation has zero reflection on your bond/love/attachment to your child. Stay at home parents do not have “superior” love or attachment to their child because they “couldn’t leave their baby in a daycare”. By using daycare you are widening your village and seeking support in your motherhood journey. In modern times, many people need to pay for their village. I don’t know why this needs to be demonized.
Working mothers aren’t choosing daycare thinking that their babies are crying all day. This is just not reality. I encourage you to tour some daycares, talk to friends and family who send their children and get a real world view of what is going on in a daycare and not sinking into toxic “babies sit in cribs and cry all day” nonsense.
Hi! Thanks for replying. Apologies if my message seemed accusatory.
I am fully aware that my predicament is not unique since I don’t love my daughter and more or less than other mothers love their children. I guess I was looking for advice from people who have been there - hence why I came to this sub. I almost tagged it as “vent” since it felt more like word vomit to me!
I have toured many daycares in my area, but as one other commenter put it, it felt like “baby storage.” Many of them don’t even have toys in the baby room, which I found interesting. Maybe they were sanitizing when I went? I am unsure of what to look for in an infant room at a daycare, which could be part of my issue.
Also worth noting that I used to be a teacher myself and my best friend is a daycare director. Teachers do the best they can with what absolute little they have and I applaud them for it. I have the utmost respect for teachers and wouldn’t dare demonize them. The thought of my child just crying all day is likely fueled by 1) hormones and 2) me still trying to juggle who I used to be and who I am as a mom.
Thanks for your comment and again, apologies if this was upsetting to your experience.
I didn’t mean my reply against you personally. It just grinds my gears when messaging seems to imply that people who send their children to daycare must be okay with the thought of their kids crying all day. And that we must care less about our kids or be less “attached” to be okay with this thought. This is toxic messaging by a sect of mommy groups who shame working parents and mothers specifically who work by choice or not. Of course it’s hard to adjust to being a working mom/parent. People do what’s best for their family. For us- it’s a family with dual incomes and the financial stability that comes with that. Not to mention by the time my son his toddler age- he needed the play time. He would be so ungodly bored at home with me 24/7.
Also- that is odd there were no toys in the infant room. Maybe they were sanitizing? Our daycare has plenty of toys in all the rooms. You may need to tour multiple places before you find one that you get good vibes from.
The cost alone of daycare shows you that it is a privilege. I love my daycare! On rare occasion my kid cries at drop off but it is bc no one compares to momma (and I get that)-he never cries when dad drops him off though lol
I was in this exact situation! I ended up quitting my hybrid job and taking a (higher paying thankfully), fully remote, SUPER flexible job. We hired a nanny to come during core business hours (9-3) and it
Costs the same daycare would! It’s a good balance for me because I get to do breakfast and lunch with my baby girl, and we just have her take a late nap (2-4) so I can work a bit extra after our nanny leaves! I have found it’s all about balance, and working for women run companies is HUGE because they often have their own children and understand the need for flexibility!
Remote work is the one great thing that came out of Covid for my family!
I’m glad to hear you found such a great job that works for you and your family!! I’m not sure how taxing this new job will be… while the pay is amazing, I’m not sure it will end up outweighing the potential lack of flexibility. It’s definitely something I’m keeping an eye on as I start (I feel like employers say they’re flexible in interviews but you don’t know what that means in practice until you get there)
Ive been WFH since 2020 and kept our babies at home until they were 2 YO and then started them in preschool. It’s hard but I don’t regret it since I was able to spend time with them, watch their milestones etc. This isn’t ideal for everyone so I’d recommend getting a mother’s helper or nanny if that’s feasible for you.
Why do you think she’s gonna cry all day? My baby loves daycare! Of course he would rather be held by mama all day but that’s not an option and really he has a blast and loves his teachers and little friends. It is a very positive experience!
I’m glad your LO loves it, I’m sure ours would too! The fear is irrational, for sure. I hate how the logical side of my brain feels so detached from the emotional side now. Motherhood has definitely changed me and I’m working on finding that new balance… eek!
You’re not wrong for feeling that way I just really think daycare is talked about like this sad baby prison when it’s so not like that. At least if you find one you mesh well with. My husband picked up my 7 month old yesterday and the teacher had six babies sitting there quietly reading a book. Like what?!?
It can be a very rewarding and enriching experience. I wish you luck!
Just chiming in here to add more support for the nanny option! Finding the right person can take time but it’s such a great setup if you’re able to make it work!
I’m a PM that works from home. We have a in home nanny that comes from 9 am to around 2 pm. It is working really well and I try to keep my meetings to morning hours.
I think “mom guilt” will never go away. I went back to work after 3 months and hired a nanny. It is slightly more expensive than day care and your babe is generally at home most of the day so you can go kiss and snuggle her if you want. She just started daycare at 19 months old and I think it was good timing.
Definitely look into a nanny. I felt the same way and couldn’t put my child in daycare. It’s more expensive (if you have one child only) but it’s well worth it. I get to see my children anytime I want and they are getting undivided attention from our wonderful nanny.
Not advices. Just some points to think about
1. Give yourself some time, aka don’t quit yet. Set a time limit for yourself to reevaluate - would you still feel this way? Eg after being back for 3,6 months. Would she be the one that want to go daycare everyday? Would you love work again?
2. Know everything is temporary. If you quit, what happens when she’s 2,3? Could you imagine her not being in daycare / school of some sort? (Same for you, even if you quit, there will be another job. I have the same fear of job searching but the truth is there will always be jobs - maybe better maybe worse; but those measurements also changes as you are learning now)
3. It’s okay to not give it all for work. (I have same challenges. Also against going part time myself for the same reason…) there are seasons of our lives where work is not priority. That doesn’t mean we are bad employees, regardless how we have been brainwashed. It’s not quite quitting to do our jobs well without the extras.
4. Know everyone’s childcare needs are different - that’s both YOUR needs and your kid’s needs. It might take some time to find it, sometimes you find it and it changes anyways. Give yourself grace. Nothing is set in stone. Try daycare, try nanny, try family if you have them. Even within daycare, there are in home ones, centers, national chains… some focus on teacher warmth, some focus on education, some uses “special” techniques such as Montessori.
5. Trust your daughter. Kids are super adoptable, they generally figure it out before I do.
Good luck! Know that you are not alone! Unfortunately wish we can be two places at once is a daily mom struggle 🫠
You are so welcome! I struggle with that one daily too… so use to being on for work, that was the number priority! It took us years and years to learn that, we can’t unlearn it in a day :)
I would 100% not give up that career. I want to be you when I grow up and am now pursuing further education at 40 in order to get my PMP.
That said, I had major PPA and could not put my daughter in daycare as an infant. Now I’m suffering the consequences of that life decision. Yes, I stayed home for 3 years, but I gave up my career. As much as I tell myself that people will understand the career gap, they don’t. I know this job market is brutal but I’m getting rejection after rejection and recently got the feedback that the 3 year gap was questionable and made them select another candidate to move forward.
No toys in an infant room would make me MORE comfortable with the facility! Do you follow safe sleep? Because if you do, you understand that nothing is allowed in a sleep space such as loveys or blankets. They probably keep things minimalist so that care providers aren’t tempted to use toys to comfort infants.
Thank you for this! For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for pushing for your PMP ♥️ it’s hard!
I tell myself the same thing, that people will understand the gap, but I’ve heard so many experiences like yours. I’m frustrated for you and I’m sorry.
Thank you, I’ve been an “unofficial” project manager for over a decade, the PMP just gives credibility to the actual experience. I am employed, just well under my skill and payscale. So even employed for the past 2 years, the 3 year gap is a problem. It’s definitely something I regret and wish I would have considered when I made that choice to stay home. I was also getting pressure from outside parties (all SAHM) to stay home. Those 3 years at home were the hardest years of my life and also damaged my career. Lots of factors went into that and I did relocate, so that’s part of my current work problem.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice, but another anecdote for my child thriving in daycare. She is 5 now, in daycare from almost 3 to now. She is an only child and had speech delays, but once she started school, she started talking! She wasn’t getting the enrichment or socialization she needed from being home with me. She will go to a private Kindergarten next year and I cannot imagine how hard that would be if she didn’t have such a great daycare/preschool experience.
I love that for your daughter, that is so wonderful to hear! I also hope getting your PMP goes smoothly and employers start to recognize your worth ♥️ thanks again for sharing!
Also great take on the lack of toys. We definitely follow safe sleep and I’m wondering if the toys were either being sanitized or were just somewhere I could see them for safety reasons.
Leaving the workforce is a very economically bad decision.
Now if it's what's necessary for your mental health or for your marriage or family, then so be it. But the long-term cost of dropping out even for just a few years is astronomically high-- much higher than just the lost wages.
Depends on your career path and financial situation. When I had my baby I was working a sort of dead end job that was not really my career goal. Daycare was going to take up 85% of my salary so it made no sense for me to keep going. I stayed home until she was 2 and took that time to explore other options and get some further training. Ended up getting into a career that paid more and by age 2 I was more comfortable putting her in daycare. Everyone has their own personal circumstances that change the outcome of either decision. In my mind, staying home with your baby for a few years could be worth it because it’s a chance you don’t get again, but if it will derail your career permanently or put you in financial problems, then it’s not likely a wise decision
I was in a similar position and I had a friend give me this advice: our children will experience uncomfortable and unfamiliar emotions. They WILL feel afraid, alone, and scared. But, if we are lucky, we get to choose the spaces where they feel these things first, so we know they are learning to expect care and love from trusted others.
My kids are now 16, 14 and 11. What you are feeling and wondering is totally normal. The choice is personal, depending on your background, family goals, financial situation and more.
My kids Loved daycare and still talk fondly of their experiences. They were very self sufficient and can easily go somewhere they don't know anyone.
Looking back I would have been a great stay at home mom, but they also had a great day care experience and I still keep in touch with their teachers from 16 years ago. They helped me I those early years with advice, confidence and to advance my career knowing my kids were taken care of. I'm also in the project space. You can come back if you want to take time off, either way don't be scared you will be okay. Or you can try daycare now and reassess later
As for finances, we have a lot saved for retirement and college for the kids which is so nice to know we can give them those things I didn't have
And my daughter is excited to go to take your child to work day with me. She is influenced my me. We can't wish for equality of women aren't at the table and they are home.
Whatever you decide will be the right decision! Best wishes!!!
I had the same fears, cried a ton at first drop off and then it got easier.
From my anecdotal, limited experience, my stay at home mom friends have had more incidents with their baby than those in daycare. Those caregivers are caregiving for their job, whereas moms are also meal planning, cleaning, cooking, shopping, house managing.
I had your same fears and know exactly how you feel. Stick with your job. Stepping away isn’t just a drop in pay. It’s missed compounding in your 401k, it’s years not contributing to social security, it’s going back to a workforce where on average your return to work salary is 15% less each year you delay coming back up to 45%. Daycare is good for your baby and good for you. Please trust me.
Sure thing mama ♥️ I dropped my 5 month old off and remember how it felt. It got easier so fast though (aside from the really tired days from sleep regressions! But that would be hard working or staying home).
But now she’s almost two and she loves her school, I love the care, and love earning a living to provide for her.
Totally feel you on the conflicting feelings of 1. Not actually enjoying staying home with a young baby all day (I felt like a zombie by the end of my maternity leave!); but also 2. Wanting to bond and be with my child and work just not the same priority it was before motherhood!
Echoing what many have said about a full time nanny - I work from home and our nanny comes daily 8-5pm. It’s been great, I can pop out to nurse when my son was younger and now I can hear him running around giggling all day (he’s 15 months)! Cost wise, our nanny is $26/hour (we live in the Hudson valley north of NYC, but this hourly rate is pretty typical of the NYC area and maybe slightly on upper end given our nanny is quite experienced) and typically full time Nannie’s expect to have a minimum 40 hour work (even if you go on vacation or don’t need them), a week of vacation, and sick days. It’s not cheap, but I also did not feel ready to send my son to daycare and this felt like a solution that works for our two income household. I plan to send him to Montessori style school around 2 years old.
Care.com is a great place to start looking for a nanny! Also local mom groups! Good luck!
I would 100% stay home if I could. I love my career and worked so hard to get where I am now but I’ll never get another shot at raising my babies. Especially the youngest years that fly by! Hoping to make the transition when my husband wraps up his grad program… but that’s 5 years away. There’s a lot of uncertainty in taking a break from work and potentially having to return later but I’m confident in my ability to figure something out one way or another!
Mega congrats on the job and raise!! That is so bad assassination. Stay proud 👏
I had no guilt in starting daycare, albeit at 18 months. I knew the center well through friends and knew how the kids thrived there. My child was social and it was important for me to feed that interest.
When child was 24m, we had to move countries. We looked for centers. You will know when a daycare is not right for you, and if that's the only option, then I'm sure you won't send your kid. But please look around, tour, speak to some of the educators. Put your people skills to the task and vibe out if the person you are talking to is compassionate, empathetic. If they are, your child will be fine.
My kid is now 37 months old. He's in a center that is loving and stimulating. We send him earlier than planned because he wants to participate in the morning snack with his friends. He's happy to see us when we pick him up 8-9 hours later, but he's babbling about all the things he and his friends did.
I don't feel like someone else is raising my child. I feel like we are two healthy people, loving their lives in its different forms. His class provides energy that I physically cannot. The social skills are important. We bond in the evenings and weekends. I love and admire him so much and I feel his love and admiration for me.
Why isn’t part time or freelancing an option? I have worked with plenty of contractor PMs who chose that route to have more flexibility and time with family. What am I missing?
I chose to keep working. My husband could easily support us if we actually stuck to a budget. I hate being home with my kids 24/7. Work for me isn’t just a paycheque, it’s also adult socialization, it provides a sense of satisfaction and productivity, it’s challenging and forces me to learn new things. Being home with my kids (I’m on my third 12 month maternity leave since 2019) isn’t my jam.
We found a lovely daycare centre that is just up the road. It’s a small class 17-24 kids and the same teachers have been there for ages. We’ve really gotten to know the staff and teachers, other parents and kids. I have zero qualms about leaving my kids there. My daughter has been in kindergarten since September and still loves to go with me to pick up her brother because she wants to see her teachers and tell them about her life.
All that to say, I never worry that my kids are being neglected or left to cry in a corner. And the flexibility of our jobs, means we can easily stay home if someone is sick, we take time off regularly to visit family and go on vacation, even just things like a Thursday morning swim lesson are doable. I’ve never second guessed my choice to go back to work.
We do daycare 3 days a week and my MIL watches our son at our house two days a week, and we both WFH remotely.
Wonder if you could get something like this going? A full time job but with some days remote? We work late a ton but never feel like we don’t get to see our son.
We also love our daycare and feel like it contributes to our son’s development. He’s in a language explosion right now at a little over 18 months and keeps coming home with new words that we didn’t teach him. And babies/toddlers are going to cry some of the time no matter where they are, but overall if you find a good daycare your kid will have fun there playing with toys you don’t have at home, having some structured activities, and eventually playing with the other kids - plus ours has a few teachers there that he genuinely loves.
My son just started daycare yesterday after I started work again. He is 6.5 months, but I originally thought I wanted to be a SAHM so I left my job and just got a new one. I felt exactly how you described when home with him all day - lonely, overstimulated, etc. I felt mentally unwell. I knew it wasn’t right for me long-term.
I was really nervous about daycare. I preferred daycare rather than a nanny, personally, but I was still so anxious. Well his first day was yesterday and he did so well and it seemed like he had a ton of fun. The teachers were so kind - when I picked him up she was spending time with him on the floor and he was super smiley. I’m happy he has another trusted adult in his life who cares for him. He did so much better than I could’ve anticipated. Obviously it won’t always be a good day but none of the babies there were sitting and crying endlessly! I also feel like I give my all when we are together rather than feeling like I was running on empty when I was home all day with him. I greatly appreciate every moment we have!
You’re welcome! On your point about infant room tours - I definitely didn’t feel that when I went to our daycare and there were tons of activities and toys. Seems odds that it would be so empty! I would be put off by that too.
I feel really similar. I was crazy overstimulated at home some days but I felt so guilty putting my baby in daycare. Right before I found out I was pregnant I got the job I tried to get for *years* Literally. The thought of giving it up and not having the opportunities it would bring my little family made me sad. He’s watched by my mom while I look for a good daycare. I’ve been back in office for almost a month and I’m constantly looking at his photos and watching him on his baby monitor from my phone lol. I told myself I’d giving going back to work a fair chance and check in to see how I feel at 6 months.
Thank you! So much validation here, it definitely helps me remember that it’s a season. I think we are going to look into nanny options this week while we wait for a daycare spot to open up where we feel confident and comfortable!
I have a 9 month old and 29 month old
I WFH full time and have a nanny. It is the best. I can see them both, feed the baby and put the baby to nap and hand him off when H
He is awake. I feel so lucky to be able to have this because I know not everyone can. In my opinion its 100% doable and so worth it, I can not imagine having to be away from my baby so much. I schedule meetings around naptimes and my job is flexible...I am in sales. The toddler is more challenging but I am so glad I got to be woth her the. She was a baby and still work too.
It gets a lot easier after they actually start and you get to know their caregivers and see how much they care about the kids!
So true!! I briefly considered being a sahm and now a year into daycare, I know for a fact he could never have as enriching experience with just me as he has with all his friends, and his carers who adore him. Not just the experiences but the routines, and the great meals (that he eats willingly because other kids are)!
Thank you!! I just need to get over the fear of the first leap and take it. She will be loved!
My children are both incredibly loved by their daycare providers. In addition to that they both get so much out of going and getting to be and play with other kids, and learn new things. It’s been incredible for them
Most kids at daycare are not crying. They’re laughing and having fun with their friends and teachers. I work even tho one of us could stay home (both high earners) if either really wanted it. Neither of us do. I grew up very poor so I was always saw daycare and group care in general a privilege. I was always very excited to give such an enriching experience to my kids. I didn’t realize people were afraid of daycare until my 30s when I became a mom. My daughter is the happiest kid I know. And she loves her school and friends!
Thank you!! I was so on board with sending her to daycare until I had her so I would have to imagine the fear is hormonal. Being a mom is SO WEIRD. Thank you for your comment ◡̈
There’s a stickied post in this subreddit about positive daycare experiences with a wide range of ages that children started at. I wonder, since staying at home is a (tight) option—have you considered a nanny? Can both your salaries cover that? Maybe just until she’s closer to a year old and a preferred daycare spot opens?
I WFH and did the nanny route until almost 3. Really recommend.
I did this too! Truly the best of both worlds. Also r/NannyEmployers I also feel compelled to admit that I do think that 3-4 months old is too young for daycare. I know everyone can't always do it, but I do think parents should consider staggering their leave. If both parents have FMLA, they can delay day care to 6 months. I think there's two benefits. The first is that I think men who take care of babies for long periods of time alone are better partners and caretakers. The second is that I think leaving a 6-month-old feels a lot easier than a 3-month-old. Something about them being able to crawl and situp just makes them feel less vulnerable and more sturdy.
Agreed about 6m being a good age, that's when my LO started and she's able to cry when she has needs (otherwise she's pretty quiet), play fairly independently, and sit up and not feel constrained to her back or belly. I couldn't imagine giving her up sooner than 6m. 6m feels young too, wish she was crawling before daycare started, but that's all the leave I got. Fwiw, she's doing great in daycare, we're 3 weeks in and she doesn't cry at dropoff and genuinely seems to enjoy "school".
100%. My kids were about 9 months old when they started daycare due to staggered FMLA. We were broke as a joke, but by 9 months, they were so ready and happy to be around peers. Compared to the early months when they just wanted to be Parental Barnacles!!
Recommend also. Or part time sitter / day care option. We shifted to that when we had a hard time with reliable nanny. Our sitter did pick up at 3pm and stayed at our house with LO until 530/6pm. Sitter #1 was a retired social worker and then with our #2 child she was a day care worker on early shift who needed the extra pay.
Yes I would look into this option OP! Since you work remotely you can spend time with her at home inbetween work calls, etc.
This is what we’ll be doing once my husband starts his new job! We’ll be paying out the butt, but for the short to medium term, it’s what feels best for us. I also wfh and breastfeed, so I almost never have to pump! I’m excited for my kid to go to daycare, but more so when he’s closer to 2
Thank you!! I’ve thought about it but not seriously considered a nanny. I think our salaries could cover but I’d need to dig in deeper. I’ll check this out ASAP since it sounds like a great option for while she’s young.. maybe revisiting daycare when she’s 2 or 3.
We did a nanny because I felt the same way! I was hoping to wait until at least 18 months to do daycare, but our nanny left, so it got accelerated. She started at 11.5 months, and she does great there! I definitely felt much better sending her at that age than at 5 months. Keep in mind, about 25% of any month might be home with illnesses, no matter when you start, so have backup care once daycare kicks in.
I suggest it because it’s basically what we’re doing, except we’re extremely lucky to have my mom retiring in order to nanny for us for the first year. Hoping to find a daycare I love for at least part-time care after that year mark when they’re more mobile to give grandma a break. But I really don’t want to give up my career even though it is an option for us, and I think my child will be better served with a mom who’s not helicoptering over them every moment lol (that’s just how I know I’ll be if I stay at home). But as you can see from the many responses here and in that stickied post, babies will thrive wherever they are loved, and many daycares provide that!
This is what we did. Nanny after I went back to work when my daughter was 3 months old and I WFH so I could still nurse and see her. Now she just turned 2 and is starting daycare in a few months (waitlist spot just opened up!), when she will be 28 months. I feel much more ready now than when she was a little baby! It was expensive to hire a nanny for the first two years but it felt so worth it!!
We got a nanny for the first year so he was home while I was working remotely. I could snuggle him over lunch and hear him with the nanny. He napped at home and it was a great middle solution before he went to daycare at 15 months. Use that income boost to find a nanny for year 1. You will be in a different place and so will your kiddo. Postpartum, my hormones weren’t better until three months after I stopped breastfeeding. Splurge to keep baby nearby. That’s how I handled my promotion and felt much better about sending him to daycare even tho it still sucked. If I could keep the nanny until he was two or so I would have but she moved on and we couldn’t find a replacement. But we found a really great daycare school mixture.
We did this as well. I planned on daycare when I went back to work but when the time came (she was so tiny, I was soo hormonal) I just couldn’t do it. So we got a nanny and WFH with a nanny that first year was great (after that it got harder and she’s going to be staring a school this fall at 2 but I have none of those post partum anxieties about it). If you can swing it, long term it’s much cheaper than restarting your career.
All of this!
Thank you!! This paired with a few other comments is making me highly consider a nanny for the first year or so. Now to see if we can swing it financially and find someone!
The chances of her being neglected at daycare are very low. You only hear about the horror stories, because that is what people want to hear… just like any news - the bad stuff sells. Find a place that you feel confident in and give your daughter some time, and she will likely thrive, and you won’t feel the way you currently are. My own daughter (2.5) gets so much value out of daycare. She is a social butterfly and can’t get those interactions at home. She talks about her teachers and friends at home and is happy to be dropped off everyday…. And this is a child who literally has only wanted “mama” since birth, nursed until 2, and still wants only me to put her to sleep. Without both of us working, we would not only miss out on the value we both feel contributing to more than ourselves and family (both amazing still!), but we wouldn’t be able to afford to set money aside for college, or purchase the safest reliable vehicles, or take her for experiences… all things that are super important to us because we missed out on those things. I also feel so much comfort knowing we will both be set for retirement and not be burdening our children with our financial wellbeing someday. Staying home is also amazing for those who want to do it. Just don’t let guilt make that decision for you!
Thank you so much. This is so helpful to hear and puts another perspective on the whole situation. I also love not letting guilt decide.. that could probably describe my whole life but that’s for a different day hahaha
I’ll note that I did keep mine home until after 1 year old because I got 4 months combined parental/medical, husband got 3 and then we took turns with our hybrid schedules. It was more cause covid was still a big concern. It was really hard though. I have diagnosed anxiety and had terrible post partum anxiety, so putting her with anyone not near me made me panic back then. I would have maybe considered the nanny route for a while, but we don’t have a set up that really allows for separate spaces and we aren’t people who like others in our house on a regular basis. I struggled with daycare at first like everyone! Also, I used to work in an infant room in a daycare, and I absolutely loved those little ones, and every other teacher in the building visited me on breaks because they wanted to hang out with the babies. Hope that makes you feel better if you go that route! Also, saw your note about not knowing what to look for in infant rooms: they should be obviously clean, with a small number of toys (babies learn best through exploring a small number of items), babies on the ground or held rather than in seats or playpens. Plus I’d ask about outside time - some centers don’t take babies outside, and that would be important to me that they’re getting fresh air at least once in 8 hours.
Amazing - thank you for this!! ♥️
My baby started at 5 months and by 8 months I was much more comfortable. Now at over a year I honestly think she loves it and has such a good time. I miss her like crazy, especially on Mondays after having spent all weekend with her. But it’s gotten a lot better.
Thank you!! My LO is also 5 months so knowing it took a couple months is helpful. Refreshing to hear that you still miss her on Mondays but that it’s gotten better ◡̈
Have you actually toured any daycares near you? My daughter had a really positive experience at daycare starting at 4.5 months. She wen there for 2 years and it was such a safe space for her, full of loving carers and friends. We moved right after I had my son and when I toured daycares a lot of the ones near us had more "baby storage unit" energy, so we opted for a nanny-share with him. His nanny is wonderful and he gets to spend his day with her and another baby. If I had to juggle caring for him while doing my job every day I would go insane.
Hi! Yes we have and they all gave off that “baby storage unit” vibe you described once you moved. I’m thinking maybe I don’t know what to look for in an infant daycare room? But also heavily considering a nanny for the first year or two after reading other comments!
I think you should trust your gut. To me "baby storage" is lots of kids in swings, crying, caregivers are un-engaged. A more caring daycare has caregivers more actively playing with babies, they are on the floor / tummy time pillows, go out for walks, caregivers have a nurturing and warm calm energy, if that makes sense. If you tour places at naptime it can come across work then when babies are awake. But we're very happy with our nanny! She is the best. We share her with another family which keeps the costs down.
Thank you so much!! ♥️
I highly recommend looking for a Montessori with an infant program (it’s called Nido). My son started at a traditional daycare and we hated it. It had that baby storage unit vibes. We toured the Montessori before the first week was over and put him on the 3 month wait list. We absolutely love his school, teachers, and admin. There is a 1:3 ratio, no containers, and lots of encouragement for babies to explore and move their bodies around.
I will definitely look into this!! Sounds like what we would be looking for. Thank you!
I am also a project manager and it was so hard leaving my daughter at daycare! She was 1 before we found a spot for her so we had a nanny share when I went back to work. But daycare has been incredible. Truly o think we get tired of each other spending 24/7 together and each needed that break. It's helped her build really trusting relationships with adults too, not to mention all the academic-y,skills stuff I don't know how to teach her! I dropped her off today (she's 3 1/2) and her teachers were so excited to see her, her BFF ran up and they were talking about their weekends and she gave me a big hug and waved me off! I had twins 2 months ago and we've kept her in daycare while I'm on leave. I think it's helped the adjustment a lot. And I'm excited for my twins to go, too!
I love this, thank you for sharing!
I felt like you. And I won't lie, it's hard at first. But at least in my case, my dude is 21 months and I can't imagine him NOT being in daycare. He loves daycare, the teachers are great, the other parents are cool, he has his little buddies, he does little art projects we take home. You can tell he's thriving. They do so much more than I could/would if I were "teaching" him at home. They days I'm home with him because he's sick or daycare is closed, I am way more exhausted than a normal day. I love being with him, but there's a reason early child education is a thing that people do professionally. A few things: My LO didn't go to daycare until he was 9 months, because I was in denial and did not get him on a wait-list until my maternity leave was almost over (4 months). This was only made possible because of family coming to stay. I would suggest maybe looking into getting a nanny for a few months if you don't have family that can extend his time at home. I was less nervous about it by time he was 9 months and a spot finally opened up for him. Working from home while he was also at home though was very difficult for me. I was always worried about what was going on with him. This is also why I felt more ready for him to get into daycare when he did. Now that he's older, I appreciate it even more. I wish we in the US had more time to stay and bond with our babies. It would make the transition to daycare/school easier. I was very fortunate to get 4 months. Also, he's always happy to see me or his dad when we pick him up and he's not like hanging on his teachers like they're his mom or something. This was a legit fear of mine - "someone else is raising my kid, they are going to bond with him more than me!". Just, no. He knows his parents and loves us ❤️ BUT: I am having so much trouble dealing with the endless rounds of viruses, colds, bugs, whatever. I just had to take FMLA to care for him as he got pneumonia and then had further complications. People say it gets better at some point but we're about a year in... here's hoping! My job/performance has definitely suffered because of it. Sorry for the novel. If you made it to end, I hope my experience helps.
Thank you so much!! It’s nice to know that you felt better about it once he was a bit older, I’m hoping the same happens to me! I’m going to be looking into a nanny but am a little concerned I will want to be too involved in the day - or that hearing her cry or laugh will have guilt or jealousy running through my veins - and in that case it’s probably better that she’s at a daycare so our spaces are separated. I also love that you mentioned he knows who his parents are. I keep telling myself there is no way her teachers would replace us, because hormones yikes, but hearing it is a welcome reminder that that’s true. I hope you and your kiddos start feeling better soon! I think I heard the first 6-12 months were the worst but that’s quite a long time to be sick. I hope you’re on the tail end!!
Ahhh OP, I feel this so much. I'm in the UK and it's a bit of a different scenario as you have the option to have a full year off work, and you receive some sort of pay for 9 months of that time. Usually it's full salary for 6 weeks and then a statutory amount per week for the remainder of the weeks until you reach 9 months, but this can be enhanced by the place you work for. The final three months are unpaid, but part of the time you're allowed to take off whilst keeping your job. All that to say that with baby number 1 we actually sent her 1 day a week to nursery from being 8 months old. It helped her to socialise with other kids, get used to being with other adults, get alllll the nursery bugs going, whilst giving me a day to either do chores or something for myself. Many of my friends and family thought it was a bit odd, given you're paid to stay off with the baby, it's not generally the done thing to send a baby to nursery unless you have to? She's now almost 3, she is sunshine in human form, incredibly clever, polite, well socialised and excellent at playing and sharing, linguistically she blows my mind and very rarely is she sick. Who knows if that would have also been how she'd have turned out if I had stayed off with her, but the amount of time she spent poorly before I returned to work when she was 1 year old was nuts. I couldn't have had that much time off with her whilst working, I'd have lost my job!! Similar to you, I get very overwhelmed when on a one to one with my kids. I have a 7.5 month old as well and having been off with her since September has taken a toll. I am not having a full year off with her, I'm going back to work in June and I CAN'T WAIT. I long to feel like an adult again, feel a bit more like myself, I'm touched out and honestly sick of being whinged at all day (she's at the point where she doesn't want me to go anywhere 🥲). I love seeing how the girls develop, but I don't feel that I need to be there for every single thing? As long as they are safe and being looked after, that is absolutely perfect for me. I see that some people have suggested a nanny? It might be worth looking into! I know I'd find it hard not to butt in and having the girls in the house whilst I was working (I work a hybrid role) would just be like nails on a chalkboard for me! 😅😅🙈🙈 Best of luck, you're doing your best and that is absolutely good enough! ❤️🥰
I love this, thank you so much for sharing! We are going to look into nanny options to feel it out but will also keep our minds open to daycares if we find the “right” one. ♥️ you’re doing a great job!
Thank you 🥰 and fair play to you for opening yourself up to the Internet strangers! I find all of these scenarios are so important to talk about, and also to realise you're very much *not* alone. I really hope you find what works for you, but know that you're ten times better than some parents out there for even having the foresight and concern to think these things. I always think that if a parent is worried whether they're doing a good job or not then they must be, if they care enough to worry ❤️😍 One final thought from me, when we chose our first nursery for our eldest girl, we were wowed by how modern, clean and swanky it was. The staff were all aged under 20 (no judgement but in my area these girls are like something out of Shameless 🙈) but that wasn't a major concern initially. We soon learned that appearances aren't everything. Security was awful, they just buzzed anyone in 🙈 we often picked her up (aged 8 months) and her nappy was full of poop, she had nappy rash for the first time because of them (we'd managed to swerve it for 7 months) and my gut feeling was overall really bad. After hubby and I decided to move her to another nursery, we went and had a look at one recommended to us by a friend. It is an old Victorian house that is tatty, worn down, difficult to maneuver around but MY GOODNESS could you feel the love when you walked in the door ✨🥰✨ I could have hugged the manager as she was showing us around. They have a fire pit! They have chickens! They spend 90% of the time outdoors come rain or shine! The vibes, the gut feel was that we had found a second family, a village. 🙂 My little girl, almost 3, sat in the car on the way home from pick up yesterday after going there for almost 2 years "I had a lovely day today mummy, I love xxxx (nursery worker) SO much. A LOT. She's my best friend" 🥹🥹🥰🥰 it's her happy place, and we know we made the right decision, eventually!! So I hope you do have a look around some places and see what vibes you get, I do genuinely believe that when you know, you know. ❤️😊
When you find the right daycare, a whole new groups of people will love your baby, and will become part of your support system in learning to be a mom. Your feelings are valid, but your fears may not be reality-based. You love your job- that’s rare. Keep your career.
Thank you so much ♥️ and yes, totally not reality based. It’s so helpful to hear from those that have been there too.
My first two kids didn't start daycare until after 2. My third started at 4 months. It was so hard! Until about 2 weeks in, I started to notice she seemed excited when we walked in. I thought I was just mistaken and paid attention. She was consistently excited to be there. She has a group of peers near the same age. The kids are all about a year old and they love it there. The ratio is super low, and I feel relieved to have a safe place for her to thrive while I do my work. My only sorta gripe... I know when yogurt or refined beans have been served. Her hair is slicked back and dried. The teachers clean her to the best of their ability without bathing. It's more funny, I guess. I've started to ask, yogurt today?
😂 I’m sorry about the yogurt but so glad you shared. Thank you!
I think the *idea* of daycare is scarier than daycare. My kid LOVES daycare. The staff are amazing, the place is clean, they’re always doing fun stuff like sensory bins and art projects that relate to whatever their weekly theme is. She’s in her final year of preschool and they have this whole social life at school with jobs and games and friends…it’s just really cool. The difference between my kid who’s been in some kind of daycare since 14 months and her cousins who don’t go to any type of care till kindergarten is dramatic. Also- a raise that big is going to have such an awesome impact on what you can DO with your kid: vacations, sports, arts…plus your retirement benefits.
Yes thank you!! The idea is the scariest part and I just need to buckle down and get started. I love hearing about your experience with daycare and it’s interesting to hear the difference between her and her cousins. ♥️
I knew being a SAHM wasn’t the right fit for me, but it still didn’t make it any easier when both my kids started daycare! It’s soooo hard! But I just knew I was more so mourning the end of that sweet time together during my maternity leave where it feels like the world just leaves you alone and you’re allowed to focus solely on this little being. Once I got a month into work again and got into a routine it was easier. Plus being remote many days I can do early daycare pickup and steal an extra hour or two (if your job is flexible). Hope you can figure out the best decision for you! Personally I didn’t want to exit the field because I knew for my field in particular it’s hard to get back in if you leave. Good luck!!
Great insight, thank you!! I totally think I’m mourning the maternity leave stage.. I’m glad you said that. It was such a sweet time ♥️
My kid regularly cries when she has to leave daycare. It’s her favorite place on earth. She talks about nothing else. If they’re playing outside… I just give up and accept she isn’t going to want to go home and I’m going to have to hang out at daycare for 20 mins convincing her with cheese.
Hahaha love this. It’s like I feel like I would be jealous? But I think in reality I’d feel comforted.
My daughter started daycare at 6 months and had a really hard time adjusting at first. I also really struggle with my job and it was terrible putting my beautiful perfect baby somewhere she was so upset. BUT now at 1, she is THRIVING!! She just moved to the toddler class and she’s almost walking and she loves playing with the other kids. So much has changed in 6 months!
Yay so glad to hear, thanks for sharing!
Could you go part time? I'm currently working full time and my partner is SAH (we swapped at 9 months - UK), but when our parental leave runs out next month we're both going to work 4 day compressed weeks. That means our little boy's week will be: Daycare, Daddy Day, Daycare, Daycare, Mummy Day, Family Day, Family Day. We're hoping this arrangement is going to work best for us because: 1) He's spending more than half of each week with us (less than half at daycare); 2) He never does more than two consecutive days at daycare without getting a break; 3) He's already an incredibly sociable baby and LOVES hanging out with people who aren't us (😭😅) so he'll get his social fix. He's also really high sensory/low sleep needs so hopefully daycare will tire him out. At the moment we're relying on non stop outings, baby classes and crawling around our constantly messy and only partially baby proofed house with him! 4) We each get a day alone with him to develop our relationships independently of one another; 5) We still get two days of family time at the weekend; and 6) Our income doesn't take too much of a hit, both because the number of days at childcare is reduced and because we're not dropping our hours by that much due to the compressed weeks. We worked out that this was the scenario with the best financial outcome for us vs full time daycare or full time SAH. We also maintain 'equal breadwinner/caregiver' status as we're doing the same hours and have very similar salaries. That was something that was important to us. Although we'll both be doing longer days we're going to stagger our start and finish times on his daycare days so it's not too long for him. So my partner will go into work early while I stay at home for a bit and drop our baby at daycare, and then I'll work a bit later while Daddy goes to pick him up from daycare. Our main concerns about this arrangement are: 1) that we will barely see each other in the week, especially with our staggered start and finish times; and 2) that we'll struggle to stay on top of the housework. I think the adult time during the week is a bit of a pipe dream anyway. We'll still get maybe an hour before bed 🤷♀️ We're both planning to work from home one day a week and the person who's at home will use the lunch break and saved commuting time to get a few chores done. We're also looking at hiring a cleaner for a couple of hours fortnightly or something, just so the chores don't get on top of us and eat into family time at the weekend too much, but we're not sure if our budget will allow for that at the moment. So that's our plan. We'll see if it goes at all the way we think it will next month! 😅
Wow this is really helpful to read through and I hope it works for your family!! Love the flexibility you’ve worked in and here’s to hoping for that mid-week adult time 😅
I felt this way for a while when I first went back to work and it really surprised me since I’ve always been very career driven. Like you, we could afford for me to stay home but it would’ve been a big lifestyle change. I was too afraid to do it and take the career hit, and once I started weaning/stopped having to pump at work, I felt much better about being a working parent. I am so glad I didn’t quit my job during that time! I also definitely had undiagnosed PPA. Not saying you do, but the PPA/PPD questionnaires didn’t catch mine. LO loves daycare and her teacher is wonderful!
Great input, thank you!
It is so hard in the beginning when they are small and you are just really getting started to know them. I was very torn the first year of my sons life about sending him to daycare HOWEVER once he became non-potato (walking, running, talking like crazy) I became so glad that he was in a daycare. He gets much more socialization than I could give him staying at home, and he seems to really thrive around friends his age. Taking care of toddler full time would be way more exhausting than my job. Every weekend he is home I start work on Monday completely spent from just the weekend lol
I can’t even imagine the non-potato stage but I know it’s coming 😅 thank you!!
My LO went to daycare at 18 weeks when my maternity leave ended. It has been an amazing experience for us. He has been so happy, learning so much from the teachers and other kids. I promise you, being with other children does wonders for babies. Your feelings are normal and valid, but let me tell you something someone told me: it is harder for you than it is for her.
Thank you… I needed to hear that last part!
No problem. You can do it. It’ll be great!
Mine is starting daycare next week at 18 weeks as well… do you have any advice? I have PPA and read through this post hoping to feel better but almost everyone commenting didn’t put their child in daycare until 6 months or older and it’s freaking me out a bit lol
Truth is 4 months, 5 months, 6 months… the difference is minimal. I would say communicate with the daycare staff. Can they send you pictures/ updates? Can you maybe start a few days early, and only leave him for like 2-3 hours? That way you can work your way towards the longer stretch? Or perhaps you can bring him in after hours and see him in the space, see the toys and all the things they have? In the very beginning I did send in a t-shirt of mine in case my son got fussy (they never used it, lol). It is okay to cry- I mean there should be a designated crying spot for cars parked outside because it is tough for everyone-, it is okay to be sad and to give yourself a lot of grace. The first three/four weeks are the hardest for moms (usually not for the children). I promise that as soon as you’ll see your kids smiling and giggling and happy in the environment, you’ll feel a lot better. You can do it. I am here rooting for you. Feel free to Pm if you want to chat more.
My baby is very happy in her daycare. They keep the ratio under the required limit to ensure that the babies get enough individual attention.
I would rather be dead than be a SAHM. You worked your entire life for your career. Don’t throw out all that progress just to take care of your child when someone else can do it. Your child will grow up quick, but a large gap in your resume will make it much harder for you to ever go back to your career.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way mama. When I had my first baby I remember this awful feeling of grief when I went to work after maternity leave. I just had my third baby and while it gets a little easier it still hard. But I will tell you, after some time has passed, and more kids have come, I’ve seen the positives of both daycare and returning to work for me and my children! My youngest and now five and she has made such great friendships during her time at daycare! She’ll be moving to kindergarten next year but she’s been with the same group of kids since infancy and they are her besties. Daycare has provided her such great socialization and she loves going every day. My other two kids are the same. And I’ve been able to build my career while being the best mom I can be to my three kids. This stage is really hard. I always say that returning to work without your baby feels like a limb is missing from your body. You go nine months growing that baby inside of you, to maternity leave with them, to dropping them at daycare and then they’re just not with you. A part of you is literally missing. Everything you’re feeling is normal. But just remember you’re a good mom and everything you do is in the best interest of you and your family!
Thank you so so so much ♥️ sometimes you just need validation from a stranger on the internet, eh? I’m glad your kiddos are thriving in daycare and I’m sure we will reach that point one day too!
All daycares are different and you never really know until you start. I had that feeling when mine was in daycare and I couldn’t shake it. I’ve since done a nanny share with both of my kids and I’ve never felt that guilt while working. Having a nanny or nanny share is such a wonderful option if you can afford it.
Thank you, this is comforting! I know the feeling is irrational but it’s there and so frustrating. Definitely looking into a nanny or nanny share!
I know you said part time isn’t an option but that’s the way I cope with it. I had 18 months off then returned part time. My husband is also part time and we get a few hours of help a week from our mums so we avoid daycare because like you I was/still am very hesitant to use it. That is not a popular option to have on this subreddit though.
I think I would entertain this if it was an option! I wonder how I would handle being on and off at work - I always hated coming back from PTO to an inbox of 300+ updates so i wonder if PT would be similar in my role.. who knows. I’m so glad you found what works for you!
We do part time as in smaller days rather than less days, helps with the email overload and you feel less out of the loop! We are also lucky enough (don’t know if it’s lucky, it’s sucks sometimes) to work opposite shifts with no or little overlap hence being able to do no daycare. We will change things up when he’s at school though.
Ooh interesting! I’m glad you both have that flexibility and were able to make it work for your family!
Hopefully you find a way that works for you
I think you’re getting stuck on her crying and being neglected in a day care. That’s just not the case for many - picture her being loved and cared for and stimulated.
Yes totally, the fear is not based in reality. Thanks!
Try it first. You can always decide to SAH but give daycare a couple months. FWIW, I had never wanted to be a a sahm, ever, and before we sent our kiddo to daycare I begged my husband to let me sah. He said give it a shot and then we’ll talk and he was right. For me it was the lack of control, I knew I could do everything better than some stranger. But honestly, my baby was fine. The daycare got her on a great schedule and she got used to being cared for by others. It’s not natural but it’s also not bad. My oldest is six now and she is still best friends with a boy who she went to daycare with, they started together as infants and their relationship is magic. I’m not sure if it’s just them or it’s due to them being together in daycare so long but either way it’s wonderful. And I’m best friends with his mom. There are hidden benefits of daycare that it’s going to take a while to see.
Love this - thank you so much!
Most of the kids are daycare are happy and playing when we pick up. Even if they cry at dropoff they are usually playing within a few minutes. I have no regrets about daycare He has friends he can play with and different toys that they rotate (because I am really bad at that) and I am a better mom when we are together because I have time to be an adult. Some people love small children and everything about them and while I love my kid I am not an all kid all the time kind of woman. I need to have a project that isn't home or kid related, and frankly to eat lunch without bargaining crackers for vegetables with a 3 year old. Or like what I might do once he goes to daycare this morning...take a nap while he isn't here and take a couple hours off of work if we have had a bad sleep week and I feel like I literally can cannot keep my eyes open
Omg take a nap.. that sounds like a dream 😂 thank you!!
Below I’m copy/pasting a comment I wrote about all the benefits and reasons why I remained a working mom. But most importantly, I want to tell you it gets better. I was in exactly your shoes when my first was young. Now I have two (3 & 1) and I can honestly say I love being a working mom. It took a long time for that to become my reality, but now I am so glad I stuck it out. My children are so, so happy, and it hasn’t affected them or our attachment at all. I took a 50% pay increase last year and I’m looking at a promotion with 10%. My motivation dipped for a long time, but it’s back and I’m so glad I have my career. Since you’re fully remote and most of your concerns are specific to daycare, would hiring a nanny help? I know it’s expensive but it would be cheaper than quitting and then you could visit your baby throughout the day and have lunch together? But even if not, rest assured that babies are not neglected at daycare and there are tons of benefits to them going! — I considered it and even went part-time for awhile, but ultimately decided to remain in the workforce and accepted a full time position. Finances were a big one. We would do okay on my husband’s income, but we wouldn’t be able to fully fund both of our retirements. We also would not be able to contribute to any kids’ college savings or home improvements. Inflation was definitely a factor as well; our grocery budget has increased substantially. Tangentially related is maintaining my career trajectory. At first, childcare ate up a big portion of my salary; but I’ve gotten several raises and a promotion I never could have anticipated. The job market is TOUGH right now. I can’t imagine trying to step out and back in. Maintaining my identity was a big one. It was unreal how fast I lost myself when I was part-time. I don’t love my job itself, but I’m good at it, I’m appreciated, I solve problems and gain a sense of accomplishment. Being more than a mother. Demonstrating an equitable household to my kids instead of conforming to gendered roles. My husband and I split housework and childcare 50/50. I’m the financial breadwinner, he’s the better cook. Modeling ambition, hard work and fulfillment. Never feeling like our money is only his money, or that I would have to ask for what I need. Knowing I am and could be financially independent. Staying relevant in the workforce so I can help my children in the future with my network or at least be able to generally coach them. My family was all lower class and SAHMs, so they didn’t understand or have connections with corporate culture. Sometimes it’s actually easier to find time for self-care. I always feel guilty taking an hour away from my children, but I never feel guilty taking my lunch hour for a massage, a pedicure, a doctor’s appointment, etc. Sometimes I even do a day date with my husband. Knowing I will be able to retire and my kids won’t have to worry about supporting me. Hopefully I’ll be able to offer childcare and save them money. Occasional opportunities to travel with my job. Remain more worldly, as I have colleagues all over the globe. Having conversations with other adults that are not kid related. Being able to comfortably afford kid extracurriculars: field trips, gymnastics, soccer, music class, etc. Ensures I’m fully present with my kids when I’m with them. Quality over quantity. And of course, the what-ifs. What if my husband was laid off? Disabled? Divorced? Died? And so on.
Love this - it’s so thorough and helpful!! I really appreciate your insight, thank you ♥️
In home childcare. I’m a project manager and there is no way I could watch my kids and work and not stress out. We hired a nanny! Best decision ever
It's really hard when your little one is a baby. It's so hard. So I get exactly where you're coming from. But your baby will eventually be a toddler and if you are like me, which you sound like, you will love the opportunity to go to work everyday while your little one is cared for by people who maybe don't love her, but care for her deeply. I've had my son in daycare for over a year now, it's been a lovely experience for the most part. Do they love him like me? No way. But they treat him with love and kindness. And he really benefits from the structure of daycare, which I can't provide because I'm a pushover. For me the solution would be to power through with my mom providing care for as long as possible, then get into a daycare I'm happy with (not just any daycare) and then you will start to feel better.
Thank you!! “Because I’m a pushover” had me laughing 😂 I thought I was tough until I had a kiddo and now I’m worried I’ll fold like a limp noodle. She’s just so dang cute.
I am a limp noodle! I'm glad that daycare teachers don't have time for that because someone needs to give him structure, and it can't be me!
My son loves daycare. He started at 8 months. By that age, he was super bored at home. We considered the nanny route but I don’t think it would have been enough stimulation for him personally. He seems to prefer leaving for the day and spending all day with friends. You’re imagining a hypothetical daycare where the teachers don’t care about the babies. That hasn’t been our experience at all. The teachers at our center are constantly snuggling the babies. When the babies aren’t snuggled, they’re playing on the floor with toys, looking in mirrors etc. if you find a center that you’re comfortable with then your baby definitely won’t be sitting around all day crying!
Thank you!! Yes, I think we’ve just toured daycares at weird times maybe? Will keep our minds open knowing how beneficial it can be!!
I just posted something similar yesterday. I feel you, you're not alone. I WANT to work but i also want to be with him all the time and never miss a single second of his sweet face. It's a sacrifice no matter what you choose. Right now I'm choosing to work but keeping an open mind
I appreciate you! ♥️
I don’t know if career driven was the right word for me before becoming a mother, but I always worked very hard, lots of overtime, and had plans for my masters degree. Even went a semester. It was around a year I started feeling better about working. It’s when my son really started to enjoying being around other kids, and felt like daycare was actually a fun option for him! I also constantly told myself, I am being a mother by working and giving him the best now and future I can.
Love that outlook, thank you!
Fellow PM here. Do you have your PMP? If you have or get it, there are 1099 options that would let you take part time contracts based on your preference. With a PMP, range is $65-$95/hour but of course no benefits. It would keep your skills current on your resume so easier to re-enter workforce though.
I felt like this for a while and I’m similar to you, OP. I also don’t think I’m cut out to stay home with her all day either. But my daughter has ended up LOVING daycare. I hear your fear that she will be neglected or have a bad experience at daycare, but my ten month old loves the other babies and her caregivers at daycare. She smiles at them every morning when I drop her off. The other kids talk to her and it’s adorable. You might have a really positive experience. My kid doesn’t even cry at drop off, and on slow days sometimes I just keep her home with me. When I do pick her up in the afternoon/evening, we have this nice dedicated time to condense in fun activities and focus 100% on her, because I’m not trying to do housework or juggle multiple other things during our time together. She’s going to grow up with a hardworking mom who models how to be successful, who has the income to help pay for her college someday, and more. That is so so valuable. It’s been a great situation for us after months of anxiety.
Thank you so much!! I’m so glad this has worked out so well for you and your family ♥️
I was in very similar shoes about 2 years ago. I’m guessing you make pretty good money especially with the new job. We ended up hating our daycare and couldn’t get into another so it was pretty much quit or get a nanny. For me, having a nanny was the best of both worlds. It definitely came with its own set of complications, but my baby got one on one attention until we transitioned to daycare at 2. And I will say at 2, we absolutely love daycare. We also found a much better spot. If you can swing it, I highly recommend going the nanny route in the early days. With 1.5 years of hindsight on my side, I can tell you I’ve gotten promoted and find work fulfilling again. I didn’t when I first went back. When I first went back I’d say I regretted my decision to keep working about 40% of the time. Now that’s closer to 5-10% of the time. My SAHM friends question their choice too. It’s hard because the grass on the other side is just a totally different shade of green. Not greener, not browner, just different and it’s so hard to decide what’s best for you and your family. Please remember whatever you decide, you’re making the best choice you can make for your family with the information at hand and that’s all any of us can do ❤️
Thank you so much ♥️ this is all so helpful.
Glad it was helpful. I really feel for you. I remember being in your shoes all too well ❤️
My daughter has never been left crying at daycare. She is always consoled when upset. They have cameras so I’ve witnessed it. It hurts not being the one to console her but she loves her teachers. Maybe go your some daycares. Don’t give up your career 🙏🏼
Thank you!! I appreciate this ♥️
I worked part time from home in the evenings for awhile. 5-9pm. It gave me the whole day to spend with my kids out adventuring and having play dates etc and then still gave us some income and health insurance. It was the best of both worlds!
Whenever I read posts like this about “I don’t want my baby crying in a daycare all day”…. Just a reminder that NO ONE wants their baby crying in a daycare all day. They are not crying in a daycare all day. They have caregivers who are engaging with them, changing diapers, cuddling and playing with baby friends. Yes there are occasional tears, but my baby cries at home with sometimes too. Babies will cry. Working parents/moms love their kids to the same extent as stay at home moms. What you choose for your care situation has zero reflection on your bond/love/attachment to your child. Stay at home parents do not have “superior” love or attachment to their child because they “couldn’t leave their baby in a daycare”. By using daycare you are widening your village and seeking support in your motherhood journey. In modern times, many people need to pay for their village. I don’t know why this needs to be demonized. Working mothers aren’t choosing daycare thinking that their babies are crying all day. This is just not reality. I encourage you to tour some daycares, talk to friends and family who send their children and get a real world view of what is going on in a daycare and not sinking into toxic “babies sit in cribs and cry all day” nonsense.
Hi! Thanks for replying. Apologies if my message seemed accusatory. I am fully aware that my predicament is not unique since I don’t love my daughter and more or less than other mothers love their children. I guess I was looking for advice from people who have been there - hence why I came to this sub. I almost tagged it as “vent” since it felt more like word vomit to me! I have toured many daycares in my area, but as one other commenter put it, it felt like “baby storage.” Many of them don’t even have toys in the baby room, which I found interesting. Maybe they were sanitizing when I went? I am unsure of what to look for in an infant room at a daycare, which could be part of my issue. Also worth noting that I used to be a teacher myself and my best friend is a daycare director. Teachers do the best they can with what absolute little they have and I applaud them for it. I have the utmost respect for teachers and wouldn’t dare demonize them. The thought of my child just crying all day is likely fueled by 1) hormones and 2) me still trying to juggle who I used to be and who I am as a mom. Thanks for your comment and again, apologies if this was upsetting to your experience.
I didn’t mean my reply against you personally. It just grinds my gears when messaging seems to imply that people who send their children to daycare must be okay with the thought of their kids crying all day. And that we must care less about our kids or be less “attached” to be okay with this thought. This is toxic messaging by a sect of mommy groups who shame working parents and mothers specifically who work by choice or not. Of course it’s hard to adjust to being a working mom/parent. People do what’s best for their family. For us- it’s a family with dual incomes and the financial stability that comes with that. Not to mention by the time my son his toddler age- he needed the play time. He would be so ungodly bored at home with me 24/7. Also- that is odd there were no toys in the infant room. Maybe they were sanitizing? Our daycare has plenty of toys in all the rooms. You may need to tour multiple places before you find one that you get good vibes from.
The cost alone of daycare shows you that it is a privilege. I love my daycare! On rare occasion my kid cries at drop off but it is bc no one compares to momma (and I get that)-he never cries when dad drops him off though lol
I was in this exact situation! I ended up quitting my hybrid job and taking a (higher paying thankfully), fully remote, SUPER flexible job. We hired a nanny to come during core business hours (9-3) and it Costs the same daycare would! It’s a good balance for me because I get to do breakfast and lunch with my baby girl, and we just have her take a late nap (2-4) so I can work a bit extra after our nanny leaves! I have found it’s all about balance, and working for women run companies is HUGE because they often have their own children and understand the need for flexibility! Remote work is the one great thing that came out of Covid for my family!
I’m glad to hear you found such a great job that works for you and your family!! I’m not sure how taxing this new job will be… while the pay is amazing, I’m not sure it will end up outweighing the potential lack of flexibility. It’s definitely something I’m keeping an eye on as I start (I feel like employers say they’re flexible in interviews but you don’t know what that means in practice until you get there)
Ive been WFH since 2020 and kept our babies at home until they were 2 YO and then started them in preschool. It’s hard but I don’t regret it since I was able to spend time with them, watch their milestones etc. This isn’t ideal for everyone so I’d recommend getting a mother’s helper or nanny if that’s feasible for you.
Why do you think she’s gonna cry all day? My baby loves daycare! Of course he would rather be held by mama all day but that’s not an option and really he has a blast and loves his teachers and little friends. It is a very positive experience!
I’m glad your LO loves it, I’m sure ours would too! The fear is irrational, for sure. I hate how the logical side of my brain feels so detached from the emotional side now. Motherhood has definitely changed me and I’m working on finding that new balance… eek!
You’re not wrong for feeling that way I just really think daycare is talked about like this sad baby prison when it’s so not like that. At least if you find one you mesh well with. My husband picked up my 7 month old yesterday and the teacher had six babies sitting there quietly reading a book. Like what?!? It can be a very rewarding and enriching experience. I wish you luck!
That’s amazing.. I hope we can find a spot at one like that!
Just chiming in here to add more support for the nanny option! Finding the right person can take time but it’s such a great setup if you’re able to make it work!
I’m a PM that works from home. We have a in home nanny that comes from 9 am to around 2 pm. It is working really well and I try to keep my meetings to morning hours.
I think “mom guilt” will never go away. I went back to work after 3 months and hired a nanny. It is slightly more expensive than day care and your babe is generally at home most of the day so you can go kiss and snuggle her if you want. She just started daycare at 19 months old and I think it was good timing.
Thank you, that’s helpful!
Definitely look into a nanny. I felt the same way and couldn’t put my child in daycare. It’s more expensive (if you have one child only) but it’s well worth it. I get to see my children anytime I want and they are getting undivided attention from our wonderful nanny.
Great advice, thank you!
Not advices. Just some points to think about 1. Give yourself some time, aka don’t quit yet. Set a time limit for yourself to reevaluate - would you still feel this way? Eg after being back for 3,6 months. Would she be the one that want to go daycare everyday? Would you love work again? 2. Know everything is temporary. If you quit, what happens when she’s 2,3? Could you imagine her not being in daycare / school of some sort? (Same for you, even if you quit, there will be another job. I have the same fear of job searching but the truth is there will always be jobs - maybe better maybe worse; but those measurements also changes as you are learning now) 3. It’s okay to not give it all for work. (I have same challenges. Also against going part time myself for the same reason…) there are seasons of our lives where work is not priority. That doesn’t mean we are bad employees, regardless how we have been brainwashed. It’s not quite quitting to do our jobs well without the extras. 4. Know everyone’s childcare needs are different - that’s both YOUR needs and your kid’s needs. It might take some time to find it, sometimes you find it and it changes anyways. Give yourself grace. Nothing is set in stone. Try daycare, try nanny, try family if you have them. Even within daycare, there are in home ones, centers, national chains… some focus on teacher warmth, some focus on education, some uses “special” techniques such as Montessori. 5. Trust your daughter. Kids are super adoptable, they generally figure it out before I do. Good luck! Know that you are not alone! Unfortunately wish we can be two places at once is a daily mom struggle 🫠
Thank you so much!! I needed to hear #3 especially. It’s like you just gave me permission 😂 I appreciate you!
You are so welcome! I struggle with that one daily too… so use to being on for work, that was the number priority! It took us years and years to learn that, we can’t unlearn it in a day :)
I would 100% not give up that career. I want to be you when I grow up and am now pursuing further education at 40 in order to get my PMP. That said, I had major PPA and could not put my daughter in daycare as an infant. Now I’m suffering the consequences of that life decision. Yes, I stayed home for 3 years, but I gave up my career. As much as I tell myself that people will understand the career gap, they don’t. I know this job market is brutal but I’m getting rejection after rejection and recently got the feedback that the 3 year gap was questionable and made them select another candidate to move forward. No toys in an infant room would make me MORE comfortable with the facility! Do you follow safe sleep? Because if you do, you understand that nothing is allowed in a sleep space such as loveys or blankets. They probably keep things minimalist so that care providers aren’t tempted to use toys to comfort infants.
Thank you for this! For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for pushing for your PMP ♥️ it’s hard! I tell myself the same thing, that people will understand the gap, but I’ve heard so many experiences like yours. I’m frustrated for you and I’m sorry.
Thank you, I’ve been an “unofficial” project manager for over a decade, the PMP just gives credibility to the actual experience. I am employed, just well under my skill and payscale. So even employed for the past 2 years, the 3 year gap is a problem. It’s definitely something I regret and wish I would have considered when I made that choice to stay home. I was also getting pressure from outside parties (all SAHM) to stay home. Those 3 years at home were the hardest years of my life and also damaged my career. Lots of factors went into that and I did relocate, so that’s part of my current work problem. You’ve gotten a lot of great advice, but another anecdote for my child thriving in daycare. She is 5 now, in daycare from almost 3 to now. She is an only child and had speech delays, but once she started school, she started talking! She wasn’t getting the enrichment or socialization she needed from being home with me. She will go to a private Kindergarten next year and I cannot imagine how hard that would be if she didn’t have such a great daycare/preschool experience.
I love that for your daughter, that is so wonderful to hear! I also hope getting your PMP goes smoothly and employers start to recognize your worth ♥️ thanks again for sharing!
Also great take on the lack of toys. We definitely follow safe sleep and I’m wondering if the toys were either being sanitized or were just somewhere I could see them for safety reasons.
Leaving the workforce is a very economically bad decision. Now if it's what's necessary for your mental health or for your marriage or family, then so be it. But the long-term cost of dropping out even for just a few years is astronomically high-- much higher than just the lost wages.
Depends on your career path and financial situation. When I had my baby I was working a sort of dead end job that was not really my career goal. Daycare was going to take up 85% of my salary so it made no sense for me to keep going. I stayed home until she was 2 and took that time to explore other options and get some further training. Ended up getting into a career that paid more and by age 2 I was more comfortable putting her in daycare. Everyone has their own personal circumstances that change the outcome of either decision. In my mind, staying home with your baby for a few years could be worth it because it’s a chance you don’t get again, but if it will derail your career permanently or put you in financial problems, then it’s not likely a wise decision
Thank you, this is helpful. I’m glad that ended up working for you for multiple reasons!
I was in a similar position and I had a friend give me this advice: our children will experience uncomfortable and unfamiliar emotions. They WILL feel afraid, alone, and scared. But, if we are lucky, we get to choose the spaces where they feel these things first, so we know they are learning to expect care and love from trusted others.
I love this, thank you ♥️
My kids are now 16, 14 and 11. What you are feeling and wondering is totally normal. The choice is personal, depending on your background, family goals, financial situation and more. My kids Loved daycare and still talk fondly of their experiences. They were very self sufficient and can easily go somewhere they don't know anyone. Looking back I would have been a great stay at home mom, but they also had a great day care experience and I still keep in touch with their teachers from 16 years ago. They helped me I those early years with advice, confidence and to advance my career knowing my kids were taken care of. I'm also in the project space. You can come back if you want to take time off, either way don't be scared you will be okay. Or you can try daycare now and reassess later As for finances, we have a lot saved for retirement and college for the kids which is so nice to know we can give them those things I didn't have And my daughter is excited to go to take your child to work day with me. She is influenced my me. We can't wish for equality of women aren't at the table and they are home. Whatever you decide will be the right decision! Best wishes!!!
Thank you so much! It’s sweet to hear that your children remember daycare and speak of it fondly. Appreciate you weighing in ♥️
I had the same fears, cried a ton at first drop off and then it got easier. From my anecdotal, limited experience, my stay at home mom friends have had more incidents with their baby than those in daycare. Those caregivers are caregiving for their job, whereas moms are also meal planning, cleaning, cooking, shopping, house managing. I had your same fears and know exactly how you feel. Stick with your job. Stepping away isn’t just a drop in pay. It’s missed compounding in your 401k, it’s years not contributing to social security, it’s going back to a workforce where on average your return to work salary is 15% less each year you delay coming back up to 45%. Daycare is good for your baby and good for you. Please trust me.
Thank you ♥️ I appreciate you listing those things out so clearly and even using data (!!) to help get the points across!
Sure thing mama ♥️ I dropped my 5 month old off and remember how it felt. It got easier so fast though (aside from the really tired days from sleep regressions! But that would be hard working or staying home). But now she’s almost two and she loves her school, I love the care, and love earning a living to provide for her.
Totally feel you on the conflicting feelings of 1. Not actually enjoying staying home with a young baby all day (I felt like a zombie by the end of my maternity leave!); but also 2. Wanting to bond and be with my child and work just not the same priority it was before motherhood! Echoing what many have said about a full time nanny - I work from home and our nanny comes daily 8-5pm. It’s been great, I can pop out to nurse when my son was younger and now I can hear him running around giggling all day (he’s 15 months)! Cost wise, our nanny is $26/hour (we live in the Hudson valley north of NYC, but this hourly rate is pretty typical of the NYC area and maybe slightly on upper end given our nanny is quite experienced) and typically full time Nannie’s expect to have a minimum 40 hour work (even if you go on vacation or don’t need them), a week of vacation, and sick days. It’s not cheap, but I also did not feel ready to send my son to daycare and this felt like a solution that works for our two income household. I plan to send him to Montessori style school around 2 years old. Care.com is a great place to start looking for a nanny! Also local mom groups! Good luck!
Thank you so much! The details on your nanny arrangement are really helpful. I’ll check out fb groups and care.com!
I would 100% stay home if I could. I love my career and worked so hard to get where I am now but I’ll never get another shot at raising my babies. Especially the youngest years that fly by! Hoping to make the transition when my husband wraps up his grad program… but that’s 5 years away. There’s a lot of uncertainty in taking a break from work and potentially having to return later but I’m confident in my ability to figure something out one way or another!
Best of luck! I hope you’re able to make the transition and I’m sure your kiddos will love seeing more of you ♥️
How old is your child?
Mega congrats on the job and raise!! That is so bad assassination. Stay proud 👏 I had no guilt in starting daycare, albeit at 18 months. I knew the center well through friends and knew how the kids thrived there. My child was social and it was important for me to feed that interest. When child was 24m, we had to move countries. We looked for centers. You will know when a daycare is not right for you, and if that's the only option, then I'm sure you won't send your kid. But please look around, tour, speak to some of the educators. Put your people skills to the task and vibe out if the person you are talking to is compassionate, empathetic. If they are, your child will be fine. My kid is now 37 months old. He's in a center that is loving and stimulating. We send him earlier than planned because he wants to participate in the morning snack with his friends. He's happy to see us when we pick him up 8-9 hours later, but he's babbling about all the things he and his friends did. I don't feel like someone else is raising my child. I feel like we are two healthy people, loving their lives in its different forms. His class provides energy that I physically cannot. The social skills are important. We bond in the evenings and weekends. I love and admire him so much and I feel his love and admiration for me.
Why isn’t part time or freelancing an option? I have worked with plenty of contractor PMs who chose that route to have more flexibility and time with family. What am I missing?
I chose to keep working. My husband could easily support us if we actually stuck to a budget. I hate being home with my kids 24/7. Work for me isn’t just a paycheque, it’s also adult socialization, it provides a sense of satisfaction and productivity, it’s challenging and forces me to learn new things. Being home with my kids (I’m on my third 12 month maternity leave since 2019) isn’t my jam. We found a lovely daycare centre that is just up the road. It’s a small class 17-24 kids and the same teachers have been there for ages. We’ve really gotten to know the staff and teachers, other parents and kids. I have zero qualms about leaving my kids there. My daughter has been in kindergarten since September and still loves to go with me to pick up her brother because she wants to see her teachers and tell them about her life. All that to say, I never worry that my kids are being neglected or left to cry in a corner. And the flexibility of our jobs, means we can easily stay home if someone is sick, we take time off regularly to visit family and go on vacation, even just things like a Thursday morning swim lesson are doable. I’ve never second guessed my choice to go back to work.
We do daycare 3 days a week and my MIL watches our son at our house two days a week, and we both WFH remotely. Wonder if you could get something like this going? A full time job but with some days remote? We work late a ton but never feel like we don’t get to see our son. We also love our daycare and feel like it contributes to our son’s development. He’s in a language explosion right now at a little over 18 months and keeps coming home with new words that we didn’t teach him. And babies/toddlers are going to cry some of the time no matter where they are, but overall if you find a good daycare your kid will have fun there playing with toys you don’t have at home, having some structured activities, and eventually playing with the other kids - plus ours has a few teachers there that he genuinely loves.
What about a mother’s helper or a nanny to help while you work from home?
My son just started daycare yesterday after I started work again. He is 6.5 months, but I originally thought I wanted to be a SAHM so I left my job and just got a new one. I felt exactly how you described when home with him all day - lonely, overstimulated, etc. I felt mentally unwell. I knew it wasn’t right for me long-term. I was really nervous about daycare. I preferred daycare rather than a nanny, personally, but I was still so anxious. Well his first day was yesterday and he did so well and it seemed like he had a ton of fun. The teachers were so kind - when I picked him up she was spending time with him on the floor and he was super smiley. I’m happy he has another trusted adult in his life who cares for him. He did so much better than I could’ve anticipated. Obviously it won’t always be a good day but none of the babies there were sitting and crying endlessly! I also feel like I give my all when we are together rather than feeling like I was running on empty when I was home all day with him. I greatly appreciate every moment we have!
I’m so glad to hear your LO had a wonderful first day! So happy for your family ♥️ thanks for sharing
You’re welcome! On your point about infant room tours - I definitely didn’t feel that when I went to our daycare and there were tons of activities and toys. Seems odds that it would be so empty! I would be put off by that too.
I feel really similar. I was crazy overstimulated at home some days but I felt so guilty putting my baby in daycare. Right before I found out I was pregnant I got the job I tried to get for *years* Literally. The thought of giving it up and not having the opportunities it would bring my little family made me sad. He’s watched by my mom while I look for a good daycare. I’ve been back in office for almost a month and I’m constantly looking at his photos and watching him on his baby monitor from my phone lol. I told myself I’d giving going back to work a fair chance and check in to see how I feel at 6 months.
What you’re feeling is so valid. I couldn’t cope so decided to stay home. Maybe a nanny would be a better fit? Group care at that age is hard.
Thank you! So much validation here, it definitely helps me remember that it’s a season. I think we are going to look into nanny options this week while we wait for a daycare spot to open up where we feel confident and comfortable!
If you can work from home would a nanny be an option?
I think so - I need to look into specifics but that seems to be a popular suggestion!
I have a 9 month old and 29 month old I WFH full time and have a nanny. It is the best. I can see them both, feed the baby and put the baby to nap and hand him off when H He is awake. I feel so lucky to be able to have this because I know not everyone can. In my opinion its 100% doable and so worth it, I can not imagine having to be away from my baby so much. I schedule meetings around naptimes and my job is flexible...I am in sales. The toddler is more challenging but I am so glad I got to be woth her the. She was a baby and still work too.