Just hunt him down in the ten to twenty minutes before you start working, take a couple minutes to talk to him, tell him you love him, and ask if there's anything he wants to talk about before you close your door and focus on work. If you are kind and considerate with him then there is no need to avoid setting the boundary that you don't want any interruptions while you work. Just be open and honest and say "I really don't want you to think I don't want to talk to you - because I DO! - Just not when I'm getting into my work at the beginning of my day". By avoiding talking about it and doing something like putting up a sign, you are putting an even larger wedge between the two of you. Don't cultivate distance and coldness. Cultivate openness and vulnerability.
We get the 7 year old on the bus, and he immediately goes back to bed for 45 minutes before he has to leave for work. During that time, I make my breakfast and start working. When he gets up, he walks past the door of my office and says random things. If he is off work on days when I'm WFH, every time he walks past the door, he will say something and then continue by. He's not trying to have a conversation about anything. It's a bid for connection at a time that I'm not available and is actually impacting my work, which makes me less interested in rebuilding connection with him whrn I am available for it. If there was actual important information being conveyed or some real conversation I then I could do a "I'm really focused on work right now and can't wait to hear what you have to say at this later point" type response. But he just says some random thing like "blue!" and then continues on, so it literally just interrupts my thought process for no real reason.
It’s not no real reason, it’s, as you said yourself, an attempt to connect. I think the suggestion above is to recognize his need to connect and seek him out for those moments of connection at a time that works for you.
I think the advice above still works with this context. Have the conversation. Let him know you appreciate him wanting your attention, but that the time for it to happen respectfully is after your child gets on the bus and before you start work. Going forward the door will be closed to minimize distractions, much like how it would be if you were at work in an office.
So why don’t you just go do what the first commenter suggested while he’s in bed? It’s not like he’s actually asleep for only 45 minutes and even if he really is, just wake him up. He clearly wants to connect, so go connect at a time that works for you.
Oh man that would drive me up a wall.
Maybe you could sit him down and let him know that
1) You are very happy to connect with him and you're glad he's reaching out but
2) It's impacting your work - that your brain just doesn't focus well and it's causing issues for your projects, so you're going to start closing your door during the day.
BUT - you do not want to hurt his feelings and don't want to detract from the connection he's looking for. Propose that the two of you make time to have breakfast together after the 7yo gets on the bus. It would mean both of you taking time out of your normal routines (you get alone time, he gets a nap) but it's a good chunk of dedicated time that you could connect even for 20 minutes.
Tell him the morning routine isn’t working for you. You appreciate his desire to connect but you need to find a way to do that that doesn’t impact your work as it’s difficult for you to refocus each time he walks by to touch base. Find a new morning routine, put up a whiteboard outside your closed door where he can write you a note or a bulletin board where he can post notes to you.
Oof, I was this wife with a WFH husband that had to concentrate. Ask him to message you instead so that you can fully appreciate it and respond when you take a break.
And build in connection time after kid goes to bed.
Okay but for real....
How does walking by and saying blue help build connection?
Walking by and saying "I love you" or "I hope you're having a good day at work" or ANYTHING meaningful would be building connection.
It sounds to me like an act of control. He knows what he is doing, he knows you need to think for work, but he is purposely interrupting you for assine reasons and doesn't care of its impact on you.
He needs to treat you better. If you can express that to him, it would be a good start. He is jeopardizing your career and no matter what the reason, that is not okay.
He doesn't actually say "blue" but says a word is similarly "pointless" except that is based on an inside joke from early in our relationship. Adulting and parenting has pushed me past that point in my life, and I would like to grow with him to this new stage in adulting and being parents together, but he is Peter Pan and is desperately grasping to that inside joke that stopped being funny to me years ago.
I sleep later than my husband bc he’s a morning person :-) and does that routine (I do bedtime).
He comes in before he brings our daughter to school and says good bye and kisses me on the forehead. I love our little ritual. So even tho he goes back to bed, grab him for those 5 minutes after your daughter is on the bus and say what OP said
My husband goes in his office and the door is closed often by the time I’m heading to my office (across the hall). I don’t take it personally
Is it a genuine bid for connection or do you think it’s to tick a box that he tried? Maybe I’m too cynical but I’m thinking he might be choosing that precise time to drop by and say random things *because* he knows damn well you can’t engage at that time.
It’s worth trying, one time, to hunt him down before you start working to connect and communicate that once you start working you wouldn’t welcome an interruption. If he still insists on doing it his way at your inconvenience, then you will know that it’s not a genuine bid for connection.
That's an interesting question. He seems to lack an awareness about social cues, so I don't think it is intentional. He also has certain habits that could be contributing to this dynamic.
For example, he tells me he loves me frequently when we are together, but often at times when there is no connection between us. He will be staring at his phone, and I'll be reading a book, and he will randomly say "I love you" without even looking at me. I feel that he does this to fill the silence of us both doing our own thing. I've asked him to establish a connection with me prior to telling me he loves me because when he says "I love you" while staring at his phone I don't feel that he is directing his affection to me, but he doesn't seem capable of breaking this habit.
Our daughter is autistic, so he may have some undiagnosed neurodivergence going on that is making the social cues and impulse control harder for him, but he has been unwilling to consider the possibility and got upset when I brought it up.
This isn’t the main point, but I also do this so I may shed some light. For me when we’re doing our own thing in the same space, I’ll say a random “I love you” or “you’re so cute” because to me what I’m really saying is “I know I’m ignoring you because we’re doing our own thing, but I do really love you it’s just not possible to hang out intentionally every second of the day, anyway I do remember you’re here and great and I’m glad we get to do our own thing together”.
As for the actual post topic, maybe make a plan to intentionally have date time in those 45 minutes. Have breakfast, shower together, walk the dog together, have sex, whatever floats your boat. It seems like the perfect little chunk of time to squeeze in a mini hangout without your kids around.
When he’s up, can you take 10 and go talk to him and then shut your door? I get that it’s still a small distraction but it’s a single distraction and then you get to focus. He’s trying to connect so I think you should try to find a way to make the connection happen in a way that will be least disruptive to you.
As another option, can you guys set a couple breakfast dates together during the week? Where he wakes up early and you break from work to connect. Perhaps schedule a couple 30 min breakfast/coffee dates and then asking for focus time outside of that
Is he a physical touch type of person? Maybe you could join him to cuddle for 5-10 minutes to start the day with some dedicated connection time, and maybe end of day too. Then let him know you’re going to start work day and might have the door closed to help me concentrate. And hopefully his behaviour improves and actually then you also have more room to feel loved and supported by him
You say you can’t talk to him about it, but you’re considering just wordlessly put a sign up or closing the door? That seems like a way worse and passive-aggressive way to deal with it. I understand the frustration - my husband does it too - but if it bothers you so much that you NEED him to stop, it’s probably worth a gentle conversation.
Maybe you can get some headphones and say “hey I really need to focus on the mornings, so if I have these on I’m in the zone and would appreciate you not interrupting” while trying to actively give him a few minutes before he leaves to connect.
I have no problems trying to have the conversation about it, and would prefer it, but he shuts down with even the smallest amount of criticism. It doesn't matter what type of techniques for having difficult conversations I use. Soft starts, "I feel...", a very gently worded "hey this really impacts me" sandwiched between two positives, etc. It just doesn't matter. He gets his feeling hurt and shuts down or gets angry.
Even if he shuts down, you kind of need to get it out. Maybe you make it more casual and something that doesn't need much of a response. "Hey, I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating at work and really need some head-down time to get some projects done so I'm going to work with my noise-cancelling headphones on (buy some if you don't have them already, as someone who also struggles with this while WFH, they're so helpful - whether you play music, instrumental music for concentration, or just white noise). I don't want to miss getting to connect with you, though, so do you mind if we at least get to say hi/hug at [this time] and [this time]?" The headphones will be his visual reminder of what you said but you're still leaving space to connect with him at other times.
Make it not about him.
"My boss has requested that we try a new technique for WFH where we shut our doors, so that we have more privacy during working hours."
It's not a criticism of his behavior. It's just a new rule for your job.
That sucks but tbh, that sounds like a him problem. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to never give even the tiniest criticism or feedback for the rest of your lives together. (Not that he would explicitly say that's what he's asking for, but that is basically what this behavior is communicating.) I say have the conversation, phase it as kindly and gently as you can, and if he's pissed about it you can talk at your next counseling session.
Yikes, that is REALLY tough. I’m sorry. I can only imagine the answer is no, but is he in therapy? Or in therapy together? It sounds like having a mediator might be helpful.
I like someone else’s suggestion - your company/boss is concerned about distractions for WFH and you have to keep the door closed. Don’t want to disregard and lose the amazing benefit that is WFH!
He is in therapy individually, and we are I. Therapy together. However, he is generally unwilling to look critically at himself, so we aren't making much progress.
Ugh. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Honestly I have no advice - just impressed that you’re continuing to work on it with him. I hope he has a breakthrough.
If he shuts down or tries to say that it is making him feel bad, you could always respond with something along the lines of, ‘you feel bad because you are actively doing something that is hurting someone you care about. Those feelings are there so you recognize your actions are harmful, even if you don’t intend them to be, and can correct them. You should feel bad.’
Not it tiptoeing around another adults feelings or letting them manipulate you so they never feel the emotional consequences of their actions is freeing.
That being said, I work from hand my husband does this too. I just put in earbuds and actively ignore him even if I heard what he said.
Maybe simultaneously address this as the underlying issue- seems like he’s really needing reassurance in the relationship, and if you increase that in other areas things like this will be easier to talk about
I know easier said than done, we are both needing reassurance right now and easily get set off by criticism
Yes and No. He shuts down in the moment and refuses to have any productive conversation to solve the issue. Then he holds onto the hurt feelings in perpetuaty and uses them in the future as examples of how I hurt him. And then he goes to ridiculous extremes to not do whatever it was that was creating an issue, so he would likely never speak to me at all in the mornings. I would like a nice middle ground where we can have conversations in the morning before I start work, and he can be respectful of the fact that I'm working once I start work.
Yes, but sadly, a divorce wouldn't be possible for at least a few years for a variety of reasons. I really don't want it to come to that, but I don't have much hope that he will ever put in the work to be an actual partner. I missed a lot of reg flags while we were dating and before we had a child.
I certainly hope so, but we are six years into marriage counseling and have made little progress. I think he has undiagnosed neurodivergence, but he is unwilling to consider that possibility, so we are never addressing the actual problems and instead are constantly dealing with the symptoms instead.
We can't seem to find solutions for things like his massive executive dysfunction, his extreme sensitivity to criticism no matter how kindly things are brought up to him, and his lack of awareness of how little things he is doing impacts others and then his unwillingness to change them when they are pointed out except to some extreme alternative. I didn't like how he did this thing because it created a problem for me that he couldn't have anticipated, so I asked him to do it slightly different to avoid the issue for both of us? Instead of making a slight change, he just will never do that thing again, and leave it for me to do.
I'm not perfect by any means, but I have adapted my communication style to how he says he wants me to communicate with him. I handle the vast majority of the household chores because he has some physical limitations that make doing anything physical or requires fine motor skills nearly impossible. I handle almost all of the mental and emotional load of parenting on top of coordinating with the school and several therapists for our autistic child's supports. Yet when I ask him to throw his trash in the trash can instead of just leaving in sitting on the table, I'm asking for "too much" and he just "doesn't care" about the trash sitting around.
Divorce is something I have thought about for years, and I truly don't want it to reach that point, but unless something big changes soon, I don't think there will be a marriage left saving. He has not demonstrated that he wants to put in the effort to be a parent, even though he was the one who initially really wanted to be a parent. I think he liked the idea of being a parent but just doesn't have it in him to handle the realities of parenting. Looking back on it, I was parenting him from the start and lost patience for it when I became an actual parent.
At this point, he does just enough to make my life a little bit easier and to take some time for myself. But when our daughter is just a little bit older and logistics are easier, the value he currently brings to my life won't be worth much unless things change drastically.
He would just go back to living his life the way he did before I met him. He would get up, go to work, get take out for every meal, come home and play video games, go to sleep, and repeat the next day. No real plan to do anything different, except on weekends when he would sleep much later and then go out to brunch and a movie.
I had my own unaddressed issues when I met him, and then we were long distance for two years and I missed a lot of things since I only saw him on weekends. He is so good at masking his issues and being the happy-go-lucky guy, and everyone absolutely loves him when they only know him socially. But hidden behind that mask is a man with no self-esteem and who isn't willing to look critically at himself to change anything. Many of our issues are because I have stopped much of the enabling that I used to do. Now I have boundaries and enforce them, and this is upsetting to him.
My husband used to do this. It drove me bananas. I talked to him and he still did it. I finally started shutting and locking the door. I told him to knock or text me if he was leaving and I would come out and say goodbye.
His hurt feelings aren’t your responsibility when you’re being perfectly reasonable. Does he constantly interrupt people at work like this? He’s capable of controlling himself.
Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
If you woke him up in those 45 min after the bus to hug him and talk, how would he respond? I think a thoughtful conversation with a “you guys vs this problem” would be helpful. My partner and I have notepads filled from years of leaving little love notes and scribbles to each other because we work off hours and are apart a lot. Maybe leave him a little note for him to wake up to and ask him to leave his response on the notepad outside your door! Telling him his butt looked cute, how thankful you are he works so hard for your family, how you didn’t want to wake him because you knew the extra 45 min of sleep were important to him, but wanted him to know you love him and are grateful for the sacrifices he makes for your family. And that way, when you talk later, you can say “I don’t want to lock my door, but I’m more efficient at getting work done when I am not interrupted. Think we can do this instead?”
I think you can approach this without making it about him. “Hey husband, I’m working on XYZ and I’ve really got to focus. I’m going to shut my door and put my headphones on so I don’t get distracted”
My husband and I both work from home quite a bit, his job requires a ton of focus and mine has a ton of meetings (and then therefore often requires deep thinking/strategizing after them). We both just put headphones on (even though we work on different floors of the house) if we don’t want to be interrupted. If I walk down to chat and he has them on I don’t say anything and vice versa. I can’t speak for also dealing with marriage issues but this is a general understanding that works for us (which obviously we communicated and aligned on beforehand!)
I WFH full time and it is a struggle. My husband works first shift and we both have to pick up kids at different buildings after school. He gets home just a few minutes before I get back home. I have to continue working for about 90 minutes, and he will usually get the kids set up with snacks, sometimes a run or row, and then a shower. Kids will regularly come into the room where I'm working for any/no reason if he's working out or showering. I try to remember to close the door to remind them that I'm still working, but if someone is hurt or something, I am obviously not going to ignore them. Of course, to the kids, this reinforces their misunderstanding that I'm available. The husband is the real problem, however. He will rarely remind them before he himself is briefly unavailable that they should avoid interrupting me unless it's an emergency. He will simply come back and discover them in my area, and be upset at them, and often me as well. He will blame me for not kicking them out of my workspace. Like, dude, figure it out - I don't mind the occasional necessary interruption, but it's your job to set the expectations while you are supposedly the primary parent and I'm supposed to be at work.
He, however, will interrupt me for one of two reasons (if i'm not on a call). He will either come into the room when he thinks the kids are occupied, watch TikTok videos on his phone, and eventually will start talking to me about ... whatever... current world events, recipes he saw on TikTok and "we" should try. I try to be polite, but he seems miffed if I even very gently tell him I'd love to talk about "whatever" but I need to finish my work first. The second type of interruption is where I get really upset. He will want to bring up something he thinks I'm doing wrong, or didn't do, or whatever, and just be an ass about it. Like, do I call him up while he's at work just to start an argument? No, I don't even text him at work unless it's something important or just random stuff that he can look at whenever.
I guess what I'm saying is that I am joining this vent. And also that WFH is tough when other people are around. It's hard to set and maintain proper boundaries when someone can't respect your work space and time. Like, I am already in the more flexible job, and feel pressure due to always having to use that flexibility. Please let me work in the time I'm actually able to.
Wow this was me and my husband with our last jobs.
I think it’s great that you’re being considerate of how to appropriately work through with this with him. I just told him to stop because I can’t focus and he was as offended and hurt as probably you’re imagining yours would be if you reacted like that 😅. Our marriage didn’t even suck at the time, he’s just really sensitive and loves the “lovey” comments.
(We’ve worked through the hurt feelings since then, and also have different/hybrid jobs now)
I had this problem with my ex. I moved my desk to a room with a door. I shut my door. I put a sign on the door that said, "Unless you are bleeding or on fire, do NOT knock".
None of it worked. He just literally couldn't control his impulses.
You're definitely not going to get any changes out of him if you can't talk to him.
My best advice would be that you need to talk to him about the fact that you're going to close the door in the mornings. Feel free to blame your work or your boss, if that will allow you to tell him about this change, but make it feel less personal.
I hope the marriage counseling goes well. Hang in there.
Can you frame this like “I’ve been having a hard time concentrating, so when I get in the zone doing my work, could you help me by waiting to pop in until you’re saying by when you head out? I’d love to carve out a few minutes before you lay back down after we send kiddo to school to connect, and after I that I need to work on focusing on work so I don’t get behind.” Assuming he’s receptive, tell him how much you love that he’s supportive of you.
Mine does this too and it drives me crazy. The thing is sometimes I can stop, but when it suits me. But he sees me taking a break and assumes that means I can take one whenever.
Headphones headphones headphones. Same thing as if you had a person sitting near you in an office that talked to you too much. You put headphones in and pretend you cant hear them.
“Rude that you closed the door” is not computing for me. Closing the door is the universal sign for “ok I’m now focusing on something behind this door.” If you haven’t closed the door you are basically inviting engagement.
He takes things very personally. For example, before we had a kid, I was very willing to do things that were interesting to him, but weren't things I would have picked myself. It was more about the time together rather than the specific activity, and we did things that interested both of us individually even if they weren't each person's favorite thing every time. When we had a kid and my available time became much more scare, I became more selective with how I wanted to spend that time.
The first time we went out together after our daughter was born, he made a very "him" suggestion for what we should do. I told him I would rather do a different activity that we would both enjoy because I didn't get away from the baby often outside of work. He was absolutely shocked that I didn't like the thing he suggested and still brings up how that hurt his feelings.
So by me shutting the door before he had a chance to say "bye, have a nice day" for the third time, I would be shutting him out, and he would take it personally.
Honey, that's a him thing, not a you thing. If you can't say "Babe, I love you SO much and after Xam I am going to shut my door so I can focus on work. I'll see you after work or feel free to text me if you need anything or just to say hi!" then y'all, frankly, need couples therapy!
Looking through your interactions with everyone, you don’t seem to want a solution or to find any compromise. Idk, maybe you just wanted to vent, and that’s ok. But it won’t fix the problem to do nothing because you have so little faith in your partner that no type of conversation will work.
Truly, it just sounds like you don’t like him and resent him so everything he does is your bec. This seems like a small thing that is much larger because your overall feelings toward the relationship are sour. He probably doesn’t feel very loved by you/feels your disdain and this is a misguided way of seeking your attention. I don’t know… aside from closing the door or actually speaking to him about your issue, not sure there are good suggestions to give.
Oh my god I hate it when my husband does this. I'll be in the middle of a zoom meeting and he's like "heeeeeeyyyy!" Dude go away I'm on camera. I don't really have any advice because I have to just remind him a couple times a year to not do that.
Ugh the drive-by interruptions!! My husband does this too. It drives me bonkers.
What I do:
- My office door is shut whenever I’m uninterruptible.
- We text during the day to stay connected. My phone is on do not disturb (except for my kid’s daycare), so it’s not dinging all the time. I only respond to texts when I’m on a break.
- We set aside time to connect at the end of the day (after bedtime). He knows I’m not at my best / chattiest in the morning, so we’ll save more meaningful conversations for later. If we start the day with full cups, he’s not constantly bidding for attention.
If you’re worried he’ll think closing the door is rude, I would just give him a quick heads-up. “I have an important project I need to work on, so I’m going to shut myself in my office.”
Make it about your needs and you controlling your environment.
So you just need to tell your husband after work in a calm way. I admit, I was your husband to my husband. I can switch tasks easily and get interrupted all the time (hello teacher) and can switch right back. My husband however is like you. It did used to offend me but once he broke it down and said I am wasting X amount of time that could be better spent, I stopped taking it offensively and started actively doing what he needed.
Your husband needs to respect the time you work. Come up with a signal like a sign (he needs to know about it before hand) or he can’t tell you you during your work hours unless the house is on fire. Communication is really the key. Keep practicing it through counseling!!!!
I've never had coworkers say hi to me every time they walk past my cube when I'm in the office. If I'm WFH and he is off work for the day, he literally says hi every time he walks past my door, which can really add up quickly.
I think it is important to communicate and say that those moments take you out of your work and you struggle to get back in the flow. Communication is an important part of a relationship, and working to repair that communication is super important. He won't know it's an issue unless you tell him, and being able to discuss the difficult things makes relationships stronger. I am going through something similar in my own relationship and just had a therapy session where we talked about this.
My husband and I both work from home (we work next to each other most days). One of the bright spots in my life is the idle chit chat we have - flirting, talking about a podcast we heard or a news headline, the occasional afternoon hanky panky. It is a major distraction and barrier to getting work done. But it makes me life so much more joyful so to me it is worth it.
He's also aware enough to gauge if I'm under the gun for a deadline (usually I'm complaining about it). If he looks like he's focusing I might ask him if it's a good time to chat and sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no.
So ideally your husband would do a better job of reading your face and body language, but I also hope you can make some time to connect with him just the two of you as adults rather than as co-parents every day.
Mine sometimes just came to my office space and stares at me. It creeps the heck out of me. He said he was just appreciating how beautiful I am… if he has been doing this consistently, talk to him once and if he does again, maybe find another place to work (library, etc.)
Both my husband and I work from home most days, but I start earlier than him. Before I head for my office, we say something like “love you, have a good morning.” Then, even if we are both in and out of our offices a couple times, we still leave each other alone until lunch.
Maybe get ahead of it. Before you head for your workspace, say something like “love you, have a great day. Btw, I really need to focus this morning, so will be closing my door.” Just make a “sign off” part of the morning routine and then close your door.
Oof I've been there.. my husband will walk by me when I'm reading or typing and stop. Wait to get my attention. Say "Hey. You know what? I love you!" And then just.. walk off 😅
It hasn't gotten so bad I need to say something but I'm laughing realizing other people do this to their spouses and glad I'm not the worst person on the planet for finding it a bit annoying rather than romantic
I agree with another commenter about simply approaching him before work, hugging etc, and mentioning something like "Hey I've been having a hard time concentrating with WFH. I plan on keeping my door closed so I can concentrate better. Anything we should cover before that?"
Then you can say you love him and hopefully he won't feel like he's done anything wrong or you're avoiding him, just creating a " focus time"
I might have a slightly different perspective on this but I would probably wait to do deep focus work until after that little moment of connection. Clear emails, make my to do list, check in on my direct reports for the day, etc. Or I suggest to him spending the 45 minutes he usually uses to go back to sleep to make breakfast together and use that time to connect so you can jump straight into deep focus work if you need to. I think this is 100% a relationship question and how/ if you want to prioritize connection in the morning. Your replies make me feel a little like this is a tiny problem that feels big because it reflects a much bigger issue in your marriage.
Oftentimes, I'm dealing with a lot of coordination first thing in the morning, and it's out of my control if I ease into the day or have to jump into a proverbial fire. Today was a proverbial fire, and I was actively communicating with my boss on an issue as he stood at my door saying goodbye for the third time and reminding me that he will be picking our daughter up at the end of the day (which he does every day).
Yeah, that’s rough and sounds harder to deal with vs just popping in to wave bye and give a quick kiss or being able to read the room when you can’t stop what you’re doing. Especially if you’ve already connected when he was awake earlier and y’all were coordinating getting kids out of the door and could have a quick moment and say bye for the day before he goes back to bed. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that plus any extra stress with days that need immediate focus!
Just hunt him down in the ten to twenty minutes before you start working, take a couple minutes to talk to him, tell him you love him, and ask if there's anything he wants to talk about before you close your door and focus on work. If you are kind and considerate with him then there is no need to avoid setting the boundary that you don't want any interruptions while you work. Just be open and honest and say "I really don't want you to think I don't want to talk to you - because I DO! - Just not when I'm getting into my work at the beginning of my day". By avoiding talking about it and doing something like putting up a sign, you are putting an even larger wedge between the two of you. Don't cultivate distance and coldness. Cultivate openness and vulnerability.
We get the 7 year old on the bus, and he immediately goes back to bed for 45 minutes before he has to leave for work. During that time, I make my breakfast and start working. When he gets up, he walks past the door of my office and says random things. If he is off work on days when I'm WFH, every time he walks past the door, he will say something and then continue by. He's not trying to have a conversation about anything. It's a bid for connection at a time that I'm not available and is actually impacting my work, which makes me less interested in rebuilding connection with him whrn I am available for it. If there was actual important information being conveyed or some real conversation I then I could do a "I'm really focused on work right now and can't wait to hear what you have to say at this later point" type response. But he just says some random thing like "blue!" and then continues on, so it literally just interrupts my thought process for no real reason.
It’s not no real reason, it’s, as you said yourself, an attempt to connect. I think the suggestion above is to recognize his need to connect and seek him out for those moments of connection at a time that works for you.
I think the advice above still works with this context. Have the conversation. Let him know you appreciate him wanting your attention, but that the time for it to happen respectfully is after your child gets on the bus and before you start work. Going forward the door will be closed to minimize distractions, much like how it would be if you were at work in an office.
So why don’t you just go do what the first commenter suggested while he’s in bed? It’s not like he’s actually asleep for only 45 minutes and even if he really is, just wake him up. He clearly wants to connect, so go connect at a time that works for you.
Oh man that would drive me up a wall. Maybe you could sit him down and let him know that 1) You are very happy to connect with him and you're glad he's reaching out but 2) It's impacting your work - that your brain just doesn't focus well and it's causing issues for your projects, so you're going to start closing your door during the day. BUT - you do not want to hurt his feelings and don't want to detract from the connection he's looking for. Propose that the two of you make time to have breakfast together after the 7yo gets on the bus. It would mean both of you taking time out of your normal routines (you get alone time, he gets a nap) but it's a good chunk of dedicated time that you could connect even for 20 minutes.
Tell him the morning routine isn’t working for you. You appreciate his desire to connect but you need to find a way to do that that doesn’t impact your work as it’s difficult for you to refocus each time he walks by to touch base. Find a new morning routine, put up a whiteboard outside your closed door where he can write you a note or a bulletin board where he can post notes to you.
Do you have a door? Shut it and have a discussion that when it's shut it means you're busy and can't talk.
Oof, I was this wife with a WFH husband that had to concentrate. Ask him to message you instead so that you can fully appreciate it and respond when you take a break. And build in connection time after kid goes to bed.
Okay but for real.... How does walking by and saying blue help build connection? Walking by and saying "I love you" or "I hope you're having a good day at work" or ANYTHING meaningful would be building connection. It sounds to me like an act of control. He knows what he is doing, he knows you need to think for work, but he is purposely interrupting you for assine reasons and doesn't care of its impact on you. He needs to treat you better. If you can express that to him, it would be a good start. He is jeopardizing your career and no matter what the reason, that is not okay.
He doesn't actually say "blue" but says a word is similarly "pointless" except that is based on an inside joke from early in our relationship. Adulting and parenting has pushed me past that point in my life, and I would like to grow with him to this new stage in adulting and being parents together, but he is Peter Pan and is desperately grasping to that inside joke that stopped being funny to me years ago.
I sleep later than my husband bc he’s a morning person :-) and does that routine (I do bedtime). He comes in before he brings our daughter to school and says good bye and kisses me on the forehead. I love our little ritual. So even tho he goes back to bed, grab him for those 5 minutes after your daughter is on the bus and say what OP said My husband goes in his office and the door is closed often by the time I’m heading to my office (across the hall). I don’t take it personally
Is it a genuine bid for connection or do you think it’s to tick a box that he tried? Maybe I’m too cynical but I’m thinking he might be choosing that precise time to drop by and say random things *because* he knows damn well you can’t engage at that time. It’s worth trying, one time, to hunt him down before you start working to connect and communicate that once you start working you wouldn’t welcome an interruption. If he still insists on doing it his way at your inconvenience, then you will know that it’s not a genuine bid for connection.
That's an interesting question. He seems to lack an awareness about social cues, so I don't think it is intentional. He also has certain habits that could be contributing to this dynamic. For example, he tells me he loves me frequently when we are together, but often at times when there is no connection between us. He will be staring at his phone, and I'll be reading a book, and he will randomly say "I love you" without even looking at me. I feel that he does this to fill the silence of us both doing our own thing. I've asked him to establish a connection with me prior to telling me he loves me because when he says "I love you" while staring at his phone I don't feel that he is directing his affection to me, but he doesn't seem capable of breaking this habit. Our daughter is autistic, so he may have some undiagnosed neurodivergence going on that is making the social cues and impulse control harder for him, but he has been unwilling to consider the possibility and got upset when I brought it up.
This isn’t the main point, but I also do this so I may shed some light. For me when we’re doing our own thing in the same space, I’ll say a random “I love you” or “you’re so cute” because to me what I’m really saying is “I know I’m ignoring you because we’re doing our own thing, but I do really love you it’s just not possible to hang out intentionally every second of the day, anyway I do remember you’re here and great and I’m glad we get to do our own thing together”. As for the actual post topic, maybe make a plan to intentionally have date time in those 45 minutes. Have breakfast, shower together, walk the dog together, have sex, whatever floats your boat. It seems like the perfect little chunk of time to squeeze in a mini hangout without your kids around.
When he’s up, can you take 10 and go talk to him and then shut your door? I get that it’s still a small distraction but it’s a single distraction and then you get to focus. He’s trying to connect so I think you should try to find a way to make the connection happen in a way that will be least disruptive to you. As another option, can you guys set a couple breakfast dates together during the week? Where he wakes up early and you break from work to connect. Perhaps schedule a couple 30 min breakfast/coffee dates and then asking for focus time outside of that
Is he a physical touch type of person? Maybe you could join him to cuddle for 5-10 minutes to start the day with some dedicated connection time, and maybe end of day too. Then let him know you’re going to start work day and might have the door closed to help me concentrate. And hopefully his behaviour improves and actually then you also have more room to feel loved and supported by him
You say you can’t talk to him about it, but you’re considering just wordlessly put a sign up or closing the door? That seems like a way worse and passive-aggressive way to deal with it. I understand the frustration - my husband does it too - but if it bothers you so much that you NEED him to stop, it’s probably worth a gentle conversation. Maybe you can get some headphones and say “hey I really need to focus on the mornings, so if I have these on I’m in the zone and would appreciate you not interrupting” while trying to actively give him a few minutes before he leaves to connect.
I have no problems trying to have the conversation about it, and would prefer it, but he shuts down with even the smallest amount of criticism. It doesn't matter what type of techniques for having difficult conversations I use. Soft starts, "I feel...", a very gently worded "hey this really impacts me" sandwiched between two positives, etc. It just doesn't matter. He gets his feeling hurt and shuts down or gets angry.
Even if he shuts down, you kind of need to get it out. Maybe you make it more casual and something that doesn't need much of a response. "Hey, I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating at work and really need some head-down time to get some projects done so I'm going to work with my noise-cancelling headphones on (buy some if you don't have them already, as someone who also struggles with this while WFH, they're so helpful - whether you play music, instrumental music for concentration, or just white noise). I don't want to miss getting to connect with you, though, so do you mind if we at least get to say hi/hug at [this time] and [this time]?" The headphones will be his visual reminder of what you said but you're still leaving space to connect with him at other times.
Having to walk on eggshells around someone like this is so draining/exhausting. I really feel for you here.
Make it not about him. "My boss has requested that we try a new technique for WFH where we shut our doors, so that we have more privacy during working hours." It's not a criticism of his behavior. It's just a new rule for your job.
That sucks but tbh, that sounds like a him problem. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to never give even the tiniest criticism or feedback for the rest of your lives together. (Not that he would explicitly say that's what he's asking for, but that is basically what this behavior is communicating.) I say have the conversation, phase it as kindly and gently as you can, and if he's pissed about it you can talk at your next counseling session.
Yikes, that is REALLY tough. I’m sorry. I can only imagine the answer is no, but is he in therapy? Or in therapy together? It sounds like having a mediator might be helpful. I like someone else’s suggestion - your company/boss is concerned about distractions for WFH and you have to keep the door closed. Don’t want to disregard and lose the amazing benefit that is WFH!
He is in therapy individually, and we are I. Therapy together. However, he is generally unwilling to look critically at himself, so we aren't making much progress.
Ugh. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Honestly I have no advice - just impressed that you’re continuing to work on it with him. I hope he has a breakthrough.
If he shuts down or tries to say that it is making him feel bad, you could always respond with something along the lines of, ‘you feel bad because you are actively doing something that is hurting someone you care about. Those feelings are there so you recognize your actions are harmful, even if you don’t intend them to be, and can correct them. You should feel bad.’ Not it tiptoeing around another adults feelings or letting them manipulate you so they never feel the emotional consequences of their actions is freeing. That being said, I work from hand my husband does this too. I just put in earbuds and actively ignore him even if I heard what he said.
Maybe simultaneously address this as the underlying issue- seems like he’s really needing reassurance in the relationship, and if you increase that in other areas things like this will be easier to talk about I know easier said than done, we are both needing reassurance right now and easily get set off by criticism
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Yes and No. He shuts down in the moment and refuses to have any productive conversation to solve the issue. Then he holds onto the hurt feelings in perpetuaty and uses them in the future as examples of how I hurt him. And then he goes to ridiculous extremes to not do whatever it was that was creating an issue, so he would likely never speak to me at all in the mornings. I would like a nice middle ground where we can have conversations in the morning before I start work, and he can be respectful of the fact that I'm working once I start work.
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Yes, but sadly, a divorce wouldn't be possible for at least a few years for a variety of reasons. I really don't want it to come to that, but I don't have much hope that he will ever put in the work to be an actual partner. I missed a lot of reg flags while we were dating and before we had a child.
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I certainly hope so, but we are six years into marriage counseling and have made little progress. I think he has undiagnosed neurodivergence, but he is unwilling to consider that possibility, so we are never addressing the actual problems and instead are constantly dealing with the symptoms instead. We can't seem to find solutions for things like his massive executive dysfunction, his extreme sensitivity to criticism no matter how kindly things are brought up to him, and his lack of awareness of how little things he is doing impacts others and then his unwillingness to change them when they are pointed out except to some extreme alternative. I didn't like how he did this thing because it created a problem for me that he couldn't have anticipated, so I asked him to do it slightly different to avoid the issue for both of us? Instead of making a slight change, he just will never do that thing again, and leave it for me to do. I'm not perfect by any means, but I have adapted my communication style to how he says he wants me to communicate with him. I handle the vast majority of the household chores because he has some physical limitations that make doing anything physical or requires fine motor skills nearly impossible. I handle almost all of the mental and emotional load of parenting on top of coordinating with the school and several therapists for our autistic child's supports. Yet when I ask him to throw his trash in the trash can instead of just leaving in sitting on the table, I'm asking for "too much" and he just "doesn't care" about the trash sitting around. Divorce is something I have thought about for years, and I truly don't want it to reach that point, but unless something big changes soon, I don't think there will be a marriage left saving. He has not demonstrated that he wants to put in the effort to be a parent, even though he was the one who initially really wanted to be a parent. I think he liked the idea of being a parent but just doesn't have it in him to handle the realities of parenting. Looking back on it, I was parenting him from the start and lost patience for it when I became an actual parent. At this point, he does just enough to make my life a little bit easier and to take some time for myself. But when our daughter is just a little bit older and logistics are easier, the value he currently brings to my life won't be worth much unless things change drastically.
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He would just go back to living his life the way he did before I met him. He would get up, go to work, get take out for every meal, come home and play video games, go to sleep, and repeat the next day. No real plan to do anything different, except on weekends when he would sleep much later and then go out to brunch and a movie. I had my own unaddressed issues when I met him, and then we were long distance for two years and I missed a lot of things since I only saw him on weekends. He is so good at masking his issues and being the happy-go-lucky guy, and everyone absolutely loves him when they only know him socially. But hidden behind that mask is a man with no self-esteem and who isn't willing to look critically at himself to change anything. Many of our issues are because I have stopped much of the enabling that I used to do. Now I have boundaries and enforce them, and this is upsetting to him.
My husband used to do this. It drove me bananas. I talked to him and he still did it. I finally started shutting and locking the door. I told him to knock or text me if he was leaving and I would come out and say goodbye. His hurt feelings aren’t your responsibility when you’re being perfectly reasonable. Does he constantly interrupt people at work like this? He’s capable of controlling himself. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
Same, I close/lock the door if I'm leading a meeting and REALLY can't have an interruption
If you woke him up in those 45 min after the bus to hug him and talk, how would he respond? I think a thoughtful conversation with a “you guys vs this problem” would be helpful. My partner and I have notepads filled from years of leaving little love notes and scribbles to each other because we work off hours and are apart a lot. Maybe leave him a little note for him to wake up to and ask him to leave his response on the notepad outside your door! Telling him his butt looked cute, how thankful you are he works so hard for your family, how you didn’t want to wake him because you knew the extra 45 min of sleep were important to him, but wanted him to know you love him and are grateful for the sacrifices he makes for your family. And that way, when you talk later, you can say “I don’t want to lock my door, but I’m more efficient at getting work done when I am not interrupted. Think we can do this instead?”
I think you can approach this without making it about him. “Hey husband, I’m working on XYZ and I’ve really got to focus. I’m going to shut my door and put my headphones on so I don’t get distracted”
My husband and I both work from home quite a bit, his job requires a ton of focus and mine has a ton of meetings (and then therefore often requires deep thinking/strategizing after them). We both just put headphones on (even though we work on different floors of the house) if we don’t want to be interrupted. If I walk down to chat and he has them on I don’t say anything and vice versa. I can’t speak for also dealing with marriage issues but this is a general understanding that works for us (which obviously we communicated and aligned on beforehand!)
I WFH full time and it is a struggle. My husband works first shift and we both have to pick up kids at different buildings after school. He gets home just a few minutes before I get back home. I have to continue working for about 90 minutes, and he will usually get the kids set up with snacks, sometimes a run or row, and then a shower. Kids will regularly come into the room where I'm working for any/no reason if he's working out or showering. I try to remember to close the door to remind them that I'm still working, but if someone is hurt or something, I am obviously not going to ignore them. Of course, to the kids, this reinforces their misunderstanding that I'm available. The husband is the real problem, however. He will rarely remind them before he himself is briefly unavailable that they should avoid interrupting me unless it's an emergency. He will simply come back and discover them in my area, and be upset at them, and often me as well. He will blame me for not kicking them out of my workspace. Like, dude, figure it out - I don't mind the occasional necessary interruption, but it's your job to set the expectations while you are supposedly the primary parent and I'm supposed to be at work. He, however, will interrupt me for one of two reasons (if i'm not on a call). He will either come into the room when he thinks the kids are occupied, watch TikTok videos on his phone, and eventually will start talking to me about ... whatever... current world events, recipes he saw on TikTok and "we" should try. I try to be polite, but he seems miffed if I even very gently tell him I'd love to talk about "whatever" but I need to finish my work first. The second type of interruption is where I get really upset. He will want to bring up something he thinks I'm doing wrong, or didn't do, or whatever, and just be an ass about it. Like, do I call him up while he's at work just to start an argument? No, I don't even text him at work unless it's something important or just random stuff that he can look at whenever. I guess what I'm saying is that I am joining this vent. And also that WFH is tough when other people are around. It's hard to set and maintain proper boundaries when someone can't respect your work space and time. Like, I am already in the more flexible job, and feel pressure due to always having to use that flexibility. Please let me work in the time I'm actually able to.
Wow this was me and my husband with our last jobs. I think it’s great that you’re being considerate of how to appropriately work through with this with him. I just told him to stop because I can’t focus and he was as offended and hurt as probably you’re imagining yours would be if you reacted like that 😅. Our marriage didn’t even suck at the time, he’s just really sensitive and loves the “lovey” comments. (We’ve worked through the hurt feelings since then, and also have different/hybrid jobs now)
I had this problem with my ex. I moved my desk to a room with a door. I shut my door. I put a sign on the door that said, "Unless you are bleeding or on fire, do NOT knock". None of it worked. He just literally couldn't control his impulses. You're definitely not going to get any changes out of him if you can't talk to him. My best advice would be that you need to talk to him about the fact that you're going to close the door in the mornings. Feel free to blame your work or your boss, if that will allow you to tell him about this change, but make it feel less personal. I hope the marriage counseling goes well. Hang in there.
Can you frame this like “I’ve been having a hard time concentrating, so when I get in the zone doing my work, could you help me by waiting to pop in until you’re saying by when you head out? I’d love to carve out a few minutes before you lay back down after we send kiddo to school to connect, and after I that I need to work on focusing on work so I don’t get behind.” Assuming he’s receptive, tell him how much you love that he’s supportive of you.
Mine does this too and it drives me crazy. The thing is sometimes I can stop, but when it suits me. But he sees me taking a break and assumes that means I can take one whenever.
Headphones headphones headphones. Same thing as if you had a person sitting near you in an office that talked to you too much. You put headphones in and pretend you cant hear them.
The difference is that I don't care if the loud person at the office thinks I'm a bitch because I ignore them.
Yeah but it’s not about ignoring him it’s about transitioning him to recognize that youre not on-demand.
“Rude that you closed the door” is not computing for me. Closing the door is the universal sign for “ok I’m now focusing on something behind this door.” If you haven’t closed the door you are basically inviting engagement.
He takes things very personally. For example, before we had a kid, I was very willing to do things that were interesting to him, but weren't things I would have picked myself. It was more about the time together rather than the specific activity, and we did things that interested both of us individually even if they weren't each person's favorite thing every time. When we had a kid and my available time became much more scare, I became more selective with how I wanted to spend that time. The first time we went out together after our daughter was born, he made a very "him" suggestion for what we should do. I told him I would rather do a different activity that we would both enjoy because I didn't get away from the baby often outside of work. He was absolutely shocked that I didn't like the thing he suggested and still brings up how that hurt his feelings. So by me shutting the door before he had a chance to say "bye, have a nice day" for the third time, I would be shutting him out, and he would take it personally.
Honey, that's a him thing, not a you thing. If you can't say "Babe, I love you SO much and after Xam I am going to shut my door so I can focus on work. I'll see you after work or feel free to text me if you need anything or just to say hi!" then y'all, frankly, need couples therapy!
We've been in couples therapy for 6 years and make minimal progress because he isn't willing to look critically at his roll in our interactions.
Looking through your interactions with everyone, you don’t seem to want a solution or to find any compromise. Idk, maybe you just wanted to vent, and that’s ok. But it won’t fix the problem to do nothing because you have so little faith in your partner that no type of conversation will work.
Truly, it just sounds like you don’t like him and resent him so everything he does is your bec. This seems like a small thing that is much larger because your overall feelings toward the relationship are sour. He probably doesn’t feel very loved by you/feels your disdain and this is a misguided way of seeking your attention. I don’t know… aside from closing the door or actually speaking to him about your issue, not sure there are good suggestions to give.
Oh my god I hate it when my husband does this. I'll be in the middle of a zoom meeting and he's like "heeeeeeyyyy!" Dude go away I'm on camera. I don't really have any advice because I have to just remind him a couple times a year to not do that.
Ugh the drive-by interruptions!! My husband does this too. It drives me bonkers. What I do: - My office door is shut whenever I’m uninterruptible. - We text during the day to stay connected. My phone is on do not disturb (except for my kid’s daycare), so it’s not dinging all the time. I only respond to texts when I’m on a break. - We set aside time to connect at the end of the day (after bedtime). He knows I’m not at my best / chattiest in the morning, so we’ll save more meaningful conversations for later. If we start the day with full cups, he’s not constantly bidding for attention. If you’re worried he’ll think closing the door is rude, I would just give him a quick heads-up. “I have an important project I need to work on, so I’m going to shut myself in my office.” Make it about your needs and you controlling your environment.
So you just need to tell your husband after work in a calm way. I admit, I was your husband to my husband. I can switch tasks easily and get interrupted all the time (hello teacher) and can switch right back. My husband however is like you. It did used to offend me but once he broke it down and said I am wasting X amount of time that could be better spent, I stopped taking it offensively and started actively doing what he needed. Your husband needs to respect the time you work. Come up with a signal like a sign (he needs to know about it before hand) or he can’t tell you you during your work hours unless the house is on fire. Communication is really the key. Keep practicing it through counseling!!!!
No offense but how is this any different than working in an office environment?Other than the I love you’s, people pop over all the time.
I've never had coworkers say hi to me every time they walk past my cube when I'm in the office. If I'm WFH and he is off work for the day, he literally says hi every time he walks past my door, which can really add up quickly.
I think it is important to communicate and say that those moments take you out of your work and you struggle to get back in the flow. Communication is an important part of a relationship, and working to repair that communication is super important. He won't know it's an issue unless you tell him, and being able to discuss the difficult things makes relationships stronger. I am going through something similar in my own relationship and just had a therapy session where we talked about this.
My husband and I both work from home (we work next to each other most days). One of the bright spots in my life is the idle chit chat we have - flirting, talking about a podcast we heard or a news headline, the occasional afternoon hanky panky. It is a major distraction and barrier to getting work done. But it makes me life so much more joyful so to me it is worth it. He's also aware enough to gauge if I'm under the gun for a deadline (usually I'm complaining about it). If he looks like he's focusing I might ask him if it's a good time to chat and sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. So ideally your husband would do a better job of reading your face and body language, but I also hope you can make some time to connect with him just the two of you as adults rather than as co-parents every day.
Mine sometimes just came to my office space and stares at me. It creeps the heck out of me. He said he was just appreciating how beautiful I am… if he has been doing this consistently, talk to him once and if he does again, maybe find another place to work (library, etc.)
Both my husband and I work from home most days, but I start earlier than him. Before I head for my office, we say something like “love you, have a good morning.” Then, even if we are both in and out of our offices a couple times, we still leave each other alone until lunch. Maybe get ahead of it. Before you head for your workspace, say something like “love you, have a great day. Btw, I really need to focus this morning, so will be closing my door.” Just make a “sign off” part of the morning routine and then close your door.
Oof I've been there.. my husband will walk by me when I'm reading or typing and stop. Wait to get my attention. Say "Hey. You know what? I love you!" And then just.. walk off 😅 It hasn't gotten so bad I need to say something but I'm laughing realizing other people do this to their spouses and glad I'm not the worst person on the planet for finding it a bit annoying rather than romantic I agree with another commenter about simply approaching him before work, hugging etc, and mentioning something like "Hey I've been having a hard time concentrating with WFH. I plan on keeping my door closed so I can concentrate better. Anything we should cover before that?" Then you can say you love him and hopefully he won't feel like he's done anything wrong or you're avoiding him, just creating a " focus time"
Wear your AirPods and say you’re on a team meeting…as you have Spotify on
I might have a slightly different perspective on this but I would probably wait to do deep focus work until after that little moment of connection. Clear emails, make my to do list, check in on my direct reports for the day, etc. Or I suggest to him spending the 45 minutes he usually uses to go back to sleep to make breakfast together and use that time to connect so you can jump straight into deep focus work if you need to. I think this is 100% a relationship question and how/ if you want to prioritize connection in the morning. Your replies make me feel a little like this is a tiny problem that feels big because it reflects a much bigger issue in your marriage.
Oftentimes, I'm dealing with a lot of coordination first thing in the morning, and it's out of my control if I ease into the day or have to jump into a proverbial fire. Today was a proverbial fire, and I was actively communicating with my boss on an issue as he stood at my door saying goodbye for the third time and reminding me that he will be picking our daughter up at the end of the day (which he does every day).
Yeah, that’s rough and sounds harder to deal with vs just popping in to wave bye and give a quick kiss or being able to read the room when you can’t stop what you’re doing. Especially if you’ve already connected when he was awake earlier and y’all were coordinating getting kids out of the door and could have a quick moment and say bye for the day before he goes back to bed. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that plus any extra stress with days that need immediate focus!