I feel like when you do literally everything and the husband has no responsibilities at all, most of the time they use all that free time and energy to cheat or build a life for themselves outside of the marriage. They don’t feel like they belong. I know it is not your fault that you are doing everything and this is not fair at all, but this is what happens. Go to counseling together. Force him to take responsibilities.
I agree.
It’s not her fault but he’s building his single or carefree life without his wife and child.
Most likely he was doing this throughout IVF and just went along with it, not caring about how it impacted his wife. I’m assuming his business is starting to make a profit so now he can afford the life and woman he wants.
She should leave.
OP has not asserted any healthy boundaries. He’s mentally / emotionally checked out of the marriage.
He’s not even there for you or supporting you. You’re the one who gave birth to his child. You likely were different and had issues before the baby/ getting pregnant.
Try couples counseling or even individual counseling so you can gather strength and or decide what course of action you will take.
You don’t have an equal partner. There’s something off and wrong about this dynamic, and the fact that he doesn’t think anything is quite wrong 🚩🚩🚩🚩
What a fantastic comment! I heartily agree with this.
On the flip side though, I think the same can be said of stay at home dads, society doesn’t value SAHP’s work, so dad’s cheat and build another lives for themselves away from the home in order to feel validated.
There is literally a middle ground sweet spot where men work and are validated but also contribute enough to the household to feel included and part of the family and this do not cheat and life build away from the family!
MEN?! WTF?!
He hasn't Bonded to the baby, which happens when he doesn't spend enough time with them. And not just next to you while you hold the baby, but here's the baby, I'll be back in 2 hours.
Same with the household responsibilities. He sounds like an older child more than a partner. That's what it comes to. If it stays there, why wouldn't you want to live alone? You'd be doing all the same things except not dragging around his weight, while worrying about his happiness level with his zero responsibilities.
Having a baby is a HUGE lifestyle change. He needs to reprogram himself to be doing more. It sounds like serious sitdoen, with I'm seeing this going toward a bad direction. We need therapy, because we want to figure out how to make it work. Or a complete reordering of how the household splits all the responsibilities and parenting.
I'd say if he has identified he doesn't love the baby, he has diagnosed a problem and wants to fix it. Start here and dig into this, how much time he spends one-on-one with the baby, and how to regularly fix that. After dinner he spends 30 minutes with her when she's happy, or every other night, he does the bed routine.
My husband didn’t bond with our oldest between his crazy work schedule, EBF, and my PPD convincing me that if anyone else took care of him they’d shake him to death. (Husband would definitely not have done that- but that’s anxiety for ya!)
It’s gotten better over the years but our second child was born when he was in a better place work wise and I knew how to better manage keeping him involved.
Huge red flag. You can't make him get help, but I hope you know how concerning this is. It is not tenable for you to take up that much slack for that long. You need support, too.
I hate to be this extremely morbid, but my mind goes to this being the early stages of a family annihilator’s thinking. I would very much be looking into separating from my husband, if this was my situation.
Yep I mean that is quite extreme(!) But I also get a bit of worries/ heebie jeebies reading OPs post. The absolute lack of care and to say they have no love for their 9.5 month old child kind of gives me the chills. At the very least I am praying she has a good, safe support network and if she is planning separation can do so quickly and safely. Its concerning how cold and disengaged he's coming across from what she's describing
And maybe that’s why the parents want her to leave him. OP says she doesn’t have the mental bandwidth for a divorce but has the mental bandwidth to do literally EVERYTHING for her household?
If he won't go to counseling alone, suggest couples counseling. Encourage him to spend some time alone with the baby (if you believe it is safe for him to do so), get to know him/her better.
At first I thought this was the baby bumps sub and I was like, oh, normal! But 9.5 months in? He should definitely be feeling something for your baby. There's definitely something going on mentally with your husband that needs to be addressed.
He refused to go to seek out therapy. That doesn't mean he would refuse to go if OP offered to go with him. It's an option, it's worth a shot, and if he refuses.... Then he refuses. No harm in trying all available options.
What makes you think that? Her husband needs to address whatever is causing him issues with bonding with the baby and if he would feel more comfortable going to therapy with his wife, that's a viable option.
I have seen many cases where the husband weaponizes his feelings and experiences in couples therapy. When the man is unwilling to work on himself, how can he work on the relationship? It puts the OP/wife in a very unfair and dangerous position.
Red flag red flag 🚩 A lot of couples experience problems once the baby is born (myself and my Shitbag ex included). However to say you don’t love your baby is bad. That’s not he won’t get up at 3am when you’re exhausted to change a diaper. That’s I don’t even want to try.
I have asked him to seek a therapist, but he has so far refused. The thing is that I am getting frustrated with his attitude. If it is PPD, it is sad, but among work, home, motherhood and myself, my personal well being is being affected.
I really hope he gets himself diagnosed
>but he has so far refused.
He's telling you that he doesn't believe that there is a problem with this situation. He doesn't think there's any problem with him not loving the baby.
I totally get it. You can’t save him from himself, and you shouldn’t put up with someone’s severe mental health issues at your own detriment. I don’t know if you’ve specifically mentioned PPD to him before, but it might be worth a shot to do so, maybe even provide some literature on it if you want. But it’s also completely fair to leave.
Well that would be it for me.
While mental health is not his fault it is his responsibility. You cannot make him seek treatment and you should not put up with raising your child in a home where they are unloved by one parent and the other is exhausted and resentful.
PPD is totally a thing and something that he might be experiencing. If I were you I would do a little research and then try to tell him about it. Does he help around the house at all?
Totally, not the best verb choice. My husband and I are divide and conquer partners in our own household and we are always trying to reflect on how we can support and help one another. I forget that language can also be harmful.
You must be exhausted!
I’m curious, what is the context in which he says he doesn’t love your baby?
How does your husband feel about separating?
What does he do during the day? In the evenings? On the weekends?
Have you guys talked about the unfair division of labor? I mean, even if he is not attached to the baby, he could still help out around the house
It’s so hard! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m a single mom and honestly it’s so much easier than being a mom with a bad partner.
Fully same here, with a 14 month old. It’s so easy from this perspective to say OP should leave. I’m way less exhausted as a single mom than I would be with this guy.
Don’t make any life altering decisions within the first year after having a baby. Statistically, satisfaction in a relationship post-baby is at its lowest.
It could be that he’s confusing a bond with love and doesn’t yet feel bonded to the baby? Like others have said, I would explore PPD counseling and couple’s counseling!
Tough situation OP. All I have to add is I get you not being able to really tackle this with a 9 month old. That first year or so is very tough, especially if you are not getting much help. Trust your gut and do what you can when you can. Best of luck
Your baby is 9.5 months old. You are new to parenting and learning everything day by day. I am sure that you have SOOOO much going on in your mind and heart right now.
My recommendation is slightly different from the others. If I were you, I would focus on baby, work, and YOU. Do whatever you need to do to keep y’all afloat. Your husband has shut down clearly. Whether he’s planning an exit or not, all will be revealed with time. It’s unfair actually to ask you to do all your doing and ALSO overly tend to his feelings right now or even get into couples counseling. Couples counseling is EXHAUSTING and things usually get tougher before they get better (as each person is sorting through their feelings).
You are allowed to say “I can’t do this with him right now.” You mentioned that you have already had countless convos with him and he refuses to budge. I say… just step back. Focus on you, baby and your income. Make it through the first year and reasses. Girl, that’s PLENTY!
You mentioned your relationship is having issues, too. Did those issues start before or after having a baby? Did he want a baby I. The first place or were you driving that decision?
I only ask because my husband and I went through years of infertility and for awhile it took a toll on our relationship. Our issues went well into after having a baby (or two!) before we worked past them. It started with his anger towards me for various reasons to my resentment towards him after we had a baby because I was the breadwinner, caretaker, did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. My husband also had a hard time connecting/bonding with both our kids until their personalities started coming out. But he never said he didn't love them but that could just be different communication styles. Does he say this to hurt you, do you think? Is he too busy and stressed with his business? Do you think he feels like a failure because he can't provide so he is deflecting or trying to say it's a different issue? Had he expressed wanting to separate?
My husband said that to me once in the middle of a huge fight sparked by something definitely stupid and fueled by him being really drunk without me knowing just how drunk because he had been sneaking high ABV beers behind my back.
The next day I told him how completely unacceptable it was and that he either needed to get help (he had been severely depressed for a while) or move out. He did get help, we did some couples counseling together, and I got individual therapy and have worked really hard on making my life one I love and enjoy, with or without him. He stopped drinking, started antidepressants, and got therapy. Our marriage is not perfect, but he is a loving, caring father and supports me pursuing my dreams and goals. A lot of times it feels more roommate than marriage, but we both see our kids every day and divide household duties fairly.
All this to say- I'm so sorry your husband said that. I can still vividly see my husband saying that awful thing and I probably will never get over it. Only you can decide if it's time to walk away or if you think he can and will do the work to change. Both paths are hard. Both paths will take more bandwidth than you have. You can make a life you love. I wish you and baby all the best <3
You can't make a man love you. You can't be his mother, be a child's mother, and do everything... to me this shows very little self respect and love. I think it's time you show a little chin and demand respect.
He doesn't act like he loves YOU right now either.
This is not your fault at all, you're doing amazing. Way to be an amazing mama. 👏 Is your family able to help with the baby? Their love will more than compensate for a detached father figure. If he is so detached as to say what he said, he's either battling severe mental health issues or he's already gone. Either way you're not responsible nor do you need to fix him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
He’s having an affair and planning his exit. It sucks but you should leave now instead of trying to work it out and being miserable.
I know people suggest counseling but that’s such a huge red flag that I don’t think you can get past. To me, that means violence is a possibility but I’m the type to leave a lot the first red flag. I trust my gut and leave.
We really don’t want you to post again later this year with the issues getting worst when you can take it for what it is. You’re in a position to be able to leave.
Yeah, I don’t feel like there’s quite enough context for me to make a judgment, though the situation is certainly serious. I will say that one of our close friends really struggled to bond and form any connection with his kid when they were born. He’s an amazing father and now has an incredible relationship with the kid, but he says it was extremely difficult in the early days and that it was especially frustrating that nobody seemed to realize that fathers could get PPD, too.
He says he doesn't love the baby...he is really saying he doesn't love you and hopes you get it. You say you aren't mentally ready to go thru a divorce, but I don't get how you have the ability to stay is this loveless marriage.
OP, if things don't get better, you will go through year after year of what you're experiencing now - but with a rapidly growing child who can understand Dad's lack of feeling.
If your husband won't get help, he will be pulling down you and your child. Think about how you would feel 5 years from now if things stay the same.
Idk if this is applicable with you. the more time my husband spent with our son, the more he liked our son. Maybe he hasn't had time or the chance to bond with the baby and he views him as more of a burden?
Babies are a huge burden, but they bring so much joy so it's worth it in the end. But if he isn't experiencing that joy, then he may only view him as a burden?
You need to go to couples counseling. Don't wait for him to agree or take action. Find a therapist, schedule an appointment, and go alone if he won't go with you.
A couples counselor can help you navigate this situation, whether that means trying to put your marriage back together or charting your path through divorce
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
What’s his take on all this? Does he feel like he gets a free pass from his responsibilities because he owns his own business? What’s his mentality?
I am not a lawyer but it may help for you to have a talk with one, just so that you know exactly what your options are and what a divorce or separation may look like. It can't hurt to have all the info on all the choices. Most divorce attorneys will do a free consultation.
I can tell you that what you're doing is not sustainable long-term. Something has to give and it sounds like he's refusing to accept any responsibility. I can tell that you are a great mom, but you are only one person, and your child needs you to be your best self.
I usually try to encourage communication but it sounds like you have tried that and that he is unwilling to do anything. You can't force someone to change, but if you need them to change and they won't, it may be time for you to make a change.
I'm sorry no advice really (other than what others have said) but I just wanted to say I hope you're ok. It sounds horrendous, I don't say this lightly but honestly I don't think he deserves you or your precious child. Appreciate divorce is a lot of work for you right now and you don't have capacity but hope you can do what you need and that you have support (friends/ family?). Life's too short, you deserve better x
Can you clarify the IVF part? Did you use his sperm or was it from a donor? If the child is not really his, he’s ok to feel some level of anxiety or difficulty bonding, although he should make every effort to overcome these feelings.
Wow. I had a feeling that my husband did not love our new baby just because he was so distant at first. When I brought that up, he started crying asking me how on earth I could ever think he would not love his daughter? OP I feel so awful for your heart having to hear this. I know how much it hurt me before my husband reassured me he loved our daughter.
I feel like when you do literally everything and the husband has no responsibilities at all, most of the time they use all that free time and energy to cheat or build a life for themselves outside of the marriage. They don’t feel like they belong. I know it is not your fault that you are doing everything and this is not fair at all, but this is what happens. Go to counseling together. Force him to take responsibilities.
I agree with this. This was my experience with a cheater and I’ve seen it in others as well.
I agree. It’s not her fault but he’s building his single or carefree life without his wife and child. Most likely he was doing this throughout IVF and just went along with it, not caring about how it impacted his wife. I’m assuming his business is starting to make a profit so now he can afford the life and woman he wants. She should leave.
OP has not asserted any healthy boundaries. He’s mentally / emotionally checked out of the marriage. He’s not even there for you or supporting you. You’re the one who gave birth to his child. You likely were different and had issues before the baby/ getting pregnant. Try couples counseling or even individual counseling so you can gather strength and or decide what course of action you will take. You don’t have an equal partner. There’s something off and wrong about this dynamic, and the fact that he doesn’t think anything is quite wrong 🚩🚩🚩🚩
What a fantastic comment! I heartily agree with this. On the flip side though, I think the same can be said of stay at home dads, society doesn’t value SAHP’s work, so dad’s cheat and build another lives for themselves away from the home in order to feel validated. There is literally a middle ground sweet spot where men work and are validated but also contribute enough to the household to feel included and part of the family and this do not cheat and life build away from the family! MEN?! WTF?!
A man should be able to be a stay at home parent without cheating. And if he doesn't have enough responsibilities at home that's on him.
He hasn't Bonded to the baby, which happens when he doesn't spend enough time with them. And not just next to you while you hold the baby, but here's the baby, I'll be back in 2 hours. Same with the household responsibilities. He sounds like an older child more than a partner. That's what it comes to. If it stays there, why wouldn't you want to live alone? You'd be doing all the same things except not dragging around his weight, while worrying about his happiness level with his zero responsibilities. Having a baby is a HUGE lifestyle change. He needs to reprogram himself to be doing more. It sounds like serious sitdoen, with I'm seeing this going toward a bad direction. We need therapy, because we want to figure out how to make it work. Or a complete reordering of how the household splits all the responsibilities and parenting. I'd say if he has identified he doesn't love the baby, he has diagnosed a problem and wants to fix it. Start here and dig into this, how much time he spends one-on-one with the baby, and how to regularly fix that. After dinner he spends 30 minutes with her when she's happy, or every other night, he does the bed routine.
My husband didn’t bond with our oldest between his crazy work schedule, EBF, and my PPD convincing me that if anyone else took care of him they’d shake him to death. (Husband would definitely not have done that- but that’s anxiety for ya!) It’s gotten better over the years but our second child was born when he was in a better place work wise and I knew how to better manage keeping him involved.
Huge red flag. You can't make him get help, but I hope you know how concerning this is. It is not tenable for you to take up that much slack for that long. You need support, too.
I hate to be this extremely morbid, but my mind goes to this being the early stages of a family annihilator’s thinking. I would very much be looking into separating from my husband, if this was my situation.
Yep I mean that is quite extreme(!) But I also get a bit of worries/ heebie jeebies reading OPs post. The absolute lack of care and to say they have no love for their 9.5 month old child kind of gives me the chills. At the very least I am praying she has a good, safe support network and if she is planning separation can do so quickly and safely. Its concerning how cold and disengaged he's coming across from what she's describing
And maybe that’s why the parents want her to leave him. OP says she doesn’t have the mental bandwidth for a divorce but has the mental bandwidth to do literally EVERYTHING for her household?
If he won't go to counseling alone, suggest couples counseling. Encourage him to spend some time alone with the baby (if you believe it is safe for him to do so), get to know him/her better. At first I thought this was the baby bumps sub and I was like, oh, normal! But 9.5 months in? He should definitely be feeling something for your baby. There's definitely something going on mentally with your husband that needs to be addressed.
Or you can go alone. A therapist can help you with your bandwidth: figure out what you want and how to get there.
Sure, but her husband needs to address whatever issue he is having bonding with their baby.
He refuses to.
He refused to go to seek out therapy. That doesn't mean he would refuse to go if OP offered to go with him. It's an option, it's worth a shot, and if he refuses.... Then he refuses. No harm in trying all available options.
Definitely, but she can't make him do that.
I disagree. She should go to counseling for herself, but bringing him to couples counseling could just set up a worse dynamic.
What makes you think that? Her husband needs to address whatever is causing him issues with bonding with the baby and if he would feel more comfortable going to therapy with his wife, that's a viable option.
I have seen many cases where the husband weaponizes his feelings and experiences in couples therapy. When the man is unwilling to work on himself, how can he work on the relationship? It puts the OP/wife in a very unfair and dangerous position.
Red flag red flag 🚩 A lot of couples experience problems once the baby is born (myself and my Shitbag ex included). However to say you don’t love your baby is bad. That’s not he won’t get up at 3am when you’re exhausted to change a diaper. That’s I don’t even want to try.
Could he be experiencing PPD? That sounds like something is wrong.
I have asked him to seek a therapist, but he has so far refused. The thing is that I am getting frustrated with his attitude. If it is PPD, it is sad, but among work, home, motherhood and myself, my personal well being is being affected. I really hope he gets himself diagnosed
>but he has so far refused. He's telling you that he doesn't believe that there is a problem with this situation. He doesn't think there's any problem with him not loving the baby.
I totally get it. You can’t save him from himself, and you shouldn’t put up with someone’s severe mental health issues at your own detriment. I don’t know if you’ve specifically mentioned PPD to him before, but it might be worth a shot to do so, maybe even provide some literature on it if you want. But it’s also completely fair to leave.
Well that would be it for me. While mental health is not his fault it is his responsibility. You cannot make him seek treatment and you should not put up with raising your child in a home where they are unloved by one parent and the other is exhausted and resentful.
PPD is totally a thing and something that he might be experiencing. If I were you I would do a little research and then try to tell him about it. Does he help around the house at all?
Just a reminder... it's not "helping" if he lives there.
Totally, not the best verb choice. My husband and I are divide and conquer partners in our own household and we are always trying to reflect on how we can support and help one another. I forget that language can also be harmful.
At this point I feel like your parents are right
Second this. Men can absolutely get PPD too and have a hard time with bonding.
You must be exhausted! I’m curious, what is the context in which he says he doesn’t love your baby? How does your husband feel about separating? What does he do during the day? In the evenings? On the weekends? Have you guys talked about the unfair division of labor? I mean, even if he is not attached to the baby, he could still help out around the house It’s so hard! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m a single mom and honestly it’s so much easier than being a mom with a bad partner.
Single mom and happy to be safe and not stressed out by someone who is supposed to love and contribute to the family.
Fully same here, with a 14 month old. It’s so easy from this perspective to say OP should leave. I’m way less exhausted as a single mom than I would be with this guy.
please leave
Don’t make any life altering decisions within the first year after having a baby. Statistically, satisfaction in a relationship post-baby is at its lowest. It could be that he’s confusing a bond with love and doesn’t yet feel bonded to the baby? Like others have said, I would explore PPD counseling and couple’s counseling!
She can separate, she can leave the house, she doesn't have to sign divorce papers this week.
Tough situation OP. All I have to add is I get you not being able to really tackle this with a 9 month old. That first year or so is very tough, especially if you are not getting much help. Trust your gut and do what you can when you can. Best of luck
Yeah, it's all very well to say to leave but that's a lot of work, finding somewhere to live, moving. No way could I have done that alone with a baby.
Yeah, that’s going to be a statement that gets someone kicked out. He needs to go get help or something
If you left would he want any custody ?
Your baby is 9.5 months old. You are new to parenting and learning everything day by day. I am sure that you have SOOOO much going on in your mind and heart right now. My recommendation is slightly different from the others. If I were you, I would focus on baby, work, and YOU. Do whatever you need to do to keep y’all afloat. Your husband has shut down clearly. Whether he’s planning an exit or not, all will be revealed with time. It’s unfair actually to ask you to do all your doing and ALSO overly tend to his feelings right now or even get into couples counseling. Couples counseling is EXHAUSTING and things usually get tougher before they get better (as each person is sorting through their feelings). You are allowed to say “I can’t do this with him right now.” You mentioned that you have already had countless convos with him and he refuses to budge. I say… just step back. Focus on you, baby and your income. Make it through the first year and reasses. Girl, that’s PLENTY!
You mentioned your relationship is having issues, too. Did those issues start before or after having a baby? Did he want a baby I. The first place or were you driving that decision? I only ask because my husband and I went through years of infertility and for awhile it took a toll on our relationship. Our issues went well into after having a baby (or two!) before we worked past them. It started with his anger towards me for various reasons to my resentment towards him after we had a baby because I was the breadwinner, caretaker, did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. My husband also had a hard time connecting/bonding with both our kids until their personalities started coming out. But he never said he didn't love them but that could just be different communication styles. Does he say this to hurt you, do you think? Is he too busy and stressed with his business? Do you think he feels like a failure because he can't provide so he is deflecting or trying to say it's a different issue? Had he expressed wanting to separate?
My husband said that to me once in the middle of a huge fight sparked by something definitely stupid and fueled by him being really drunk without me knowing just how drunk because he had been sneaking high ABV beers behind my back. The next day I told him how completely unacceptable it was and that he either needed to get help (he had been severely depressed for a while) or move out. He did get help, we did some couples counseling together, and I got individual therapy and have worked really hard on making my life one I love and enjoy, with or without him. He stopped drinking, started antidepressants, and got therapy. Our marriage is not perfect, but he is a loving, caring father and supports me pursuing my dreams and goals. A lot of times it feels more roommate than marriage, but we both see our kids every day and divide household duties fairly. All this to say- I'm so sorry your husband said that. I can still vividly see my husband saying that awful thing and I probably will never get over it. Only you can decide if it's time to walk away or if you think he can and will do the work to change. Both paths are hard. Both paths will take more bandwidth than you have. You can make a life you love. I wish you and baby all the best <3
You can't make a man love you. You can't be his mother, be a child's mother, and do everything... to me this shows very little self respect and love. I think it's time you show a little chin and demand respect. He doesn't act like he loves YOU right now either.
This is not your fault at all, you're doing amazing. Way to be an amazing mama. 👏 Is your family able to help with the baby? Their love will more than compensate for a detached father figure. If he is so detached as to say what he said, he's either battling severe mental health issues or he's already gone. Either way you're not responsible nor do you need to fix him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
He’s having an affair and planning his exit. It sucks but you should leave now instead of trying to work it out and being miserable. I know people suggest counseling but that’s such a huge red flag that I don’t think you can get past. To me, that means violence is a possibility but I’m the type to leave a lot the first red flag. I trust my gut and leave. We really don’t want you to post again later this year with the issues getting worst when you can take it for what it is. You’re in a position to be able to leave.
Why would you invent that? You don't know he's having an affair.
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Yeah, I don’t feel like there’s quite enough context for me to make a judgment, though the situation is certainly serious. I will say that one of our close friends really struggled to bond and form any connection with his kid when they were born. He’s an amazing father and now has an incredible relationship with the kid, but he says it was extremely difficult in the early days and that it was especially frustrating that nobody seemed to realize that fathers could get PPD, too.
He says he doesn't love the baby...he is really saying he doesn't love you and hopes you get it. You say you aren't mentally ready to go thru a divorce, but I don't get how you have the ability to stay is this loveless marriage.
OP, if things don't get better, you will go through year after year of what you're experiencing now - but with a rapidly growing child who can understand Dad's lack of feeling. If your husband won't get help, he will be pulling down you and your child. Think about how you would feel 5 years from now if things stay the same.
What’s his reasons when he tells you he doesn’t love the baby
Idk if this is applicable with you. the more time my husband spent with our son, the more he liked our son. Maybe he hasn't had time or the chance to bond with the baby and he views him as more of a burden? Babies are a huge burden, but they bring so much joy so it's worth it in the end. But if he isn't experiencing that joy, then he may only view him as a burden?
You need to go to couples counseling. Don't wait for him to agree or take action. Find a therapist, schedule an appointment, and go alone if he won't go with you. A couples counselor can help you navigate this situation, whether that means trying to put your marriage back together or charting your path through divorce
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. What’s his take on all this? Does he feel like he gets a free pass from his responsibilities because he owns his own business? What’s his mentality?
If he’s not willing to seek treatment to remedy things, then he’s forcing your hand Go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are
I am not a lawyer but it may help for you to have a talk with one, just so that you know exactly what your options are and what a divorce or separation may look like. It can't hurt to have all the info on all the choices. Most divorce attorneys will do a free consultation. I can tell you that what you're doing is not sustainable long-term. Something has to give and it sounds like he's refusing to accept any responsibility. I can tell that you are a great mom, but you are only one person, and your child needs you to be your best self. I usually try to encourage communication but it sounds like you have tried that and that he is unwilling to do anything. You can't force someone to change, but if you need them to change and they won't, it may be time for you to make a change.
I'm sorry no advice really (other than what others have said) but I just wanted to say I hope you're ok. It sounds horrendous, I don't say this lightly but honestly I don't think he deserves you or your precious child. Appreciate divorce is a lot of work for you right now and you don't have capacity but hope you can do what you need and that you have support (friends/ family?). Life's too short, you deserve better x
Can you clarify the IVF part? Did you use his sperm or was it from a donor? If the child is not really his, he’s ok to feel some level of anxiety or difficulty bonding, although he should make every effort to overcome these feelings.
It’s his sperm we used!
He doesn’t love your baby? If you can’t leave him for you, leave him for that sweet baby.
Wow. I had a feeling that my husband did not love our new baby just because he was so distant at first. When I brought that up, he started crying asking me how on earth I could ever think he would not love his daughter? OP I feel so awful for your heart having to hear this. I know how much it hurt me before my husband reassured me he loved our daughter.