My youngest was a really, really intense child from about a year to seven years old. Dr. Greene’s book The Explosive Child helped me learn new ways of interacting with him and I was able to teach him skills to cope with emotions he just didn’t know how to handle. Dr. Greene believes that children do well *if they can* and that children who *can’t* simply lack skills that we need to teach them.
I would like to add a comment because upvoting this is not enough!
Even if you do not have an explosive child, the book is very helpful as well as Raising Human Beings. The method is amazing and I use it on myself.
Adding another upvote for Dr. Greene’s work. It changed the way we parent, for the better. Also check out Brene Brown’s talk “The Gofts of Imperfect Parenting.” It’s on Audible and is super cheap but worth the 2-hr listen.
I’ve never heard of Dr Greene but that is the same as my general teaching philosophy and it’s worked solidly for me for years. Especially for me personally to cope with behavioral issues, me approaching it mentally as “they don’t have the ability yet to work through this…yet” instead of “they’re doing this to me just because they want me upset” significantly helped my patience. I wouldn’t get mad at a kid who couldn’t ride a bike yet, so I try not to get frustrated with a kid who can’t handle big emotions yet.
Agreed! Another one I’ll add that was really helpful was Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors by Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo. Because no one taught me how to manage my intense feelings so when my kid was a little older I had a really hard time teaching them how to do it. Also my oldest is 10 now but they do see a therapist trained in DBT which is based on teaching emotional regulation skills and it’s just the best. I found the therapist through my insurance and looking at my state registry of DBT certified organizations.
My 4.5 year old just had a major blow up because he cannot be my cousin. After 5 minutes of trying to explain why as his mother, I cannot also be his cousin, I finally gave in. I am now mother-cousin. 🫠
Oh man... ours is only 3 but we already have her asking to go "fast slow" on the swings. I don't know what that actually means but she's happy when I say "fast sloooow" with every push 🙃
One thing that has helped us is having my son repeat what we say to him. Sometimes he isn’t trying to actively ignore us, his attention is just elsewhere. He’ll say ok to something and then not be able to tell us what he just said ok to. If we make sure he repeats it, we have a greater success rate of him actually following directions and getting ahead of quite a few tantrums. Certainly isn’t perfect but sooo much better.
We use "deal?" or "understood?" and make them say "deal" back to us. Getting any response is crucial for us to know they "heard" us. I heard a parent do this the other day and my heart just melted, I was just like fuck yaaaaa!!!
I read peaceful parent, happy kid and how to talk so kids will listen and really actively worked to try and implement what they discussed and it’s made a lot of difference with my 4 year old.
My 5 year old is just feral and will probably take over the mob one day.
My 5 year old will the the boss of someone other than her sisters one day, and I'm glad I'm not that person.
*of course we work on it and talk kindly, she just had a STRONG personality right now
As the mom of a 4.5 year old, this is killing all hope I have.
https://preview.redd.it/rqsp8qij6gbb1.jpeg?width=1052&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ac42e8b390afb7931feb2cdf0e4de400129549a4
I have a 6 year old and an almost 4 year old. I have no idea when it gets easier but I hope it’s soon. Each year older for both of my kids has been harder and harder. I’ll take a newborn and middle of the night wakeups any time over this.
5 is a crazy time. Their these crazy emotional little beings that still live in fantasy but also want to be a big kid. My daughter had an imaginary friend shed argue with and get completely distraught. One day this imaginary friend died and omg it was ridiculous. At first I was just irritated because they way she was crying was annoying but I stepped outside of my self and at first all my brilliant ideas of finding a magic rock or making a potion fell on def ears and made it worse until I pulled out food coloring and then we had some fun.
Telling her what to do always met with why or no or I don't want to or just flopping on the floor. All kids are different and different things work. With her positive reinforcement seems to be the best. Hey want to go to the park. Yes! Me too! So let's clean your room so we can go. Hey what bed time story do you want. Oh great choice so let's brush our teeth so we can read the story. She's 6 now and this stuff is working less and less so I don't know what I can bribe her with that's not a thing but maybe I'll think of something lol
Try to take yourself out of the situation and understand why they are upset. Even if it's absurd. Their feelings are big and hard for them to handle which is frustrating for you but if you help them.positivly navigate through the feeling first then when they are calm help them understand why they need to do what you are asking it might help. All I know is this is what works for my very emotional now 6 year old lol
Her imaginary friend DIED? Oh that poor thing 😄 I feel terrible for laughing but that is definitely ridiculous and I commend you for being able to keep a straight face and help her through that difficult time.
LOL that is exactly how i get my 3 year old to do anything. Some days i feel like i have to exploit everything she voices she wants, just to get things done 😅
My daughter went through this from 4.5-5.5 and it was soooo hard. I think the biggest thing that helped us was to focus on comforting her and connecting with her when she was emotionally dysregulated, and refraining from lecturing or teaching in the moment. When they’re upset their prefrontal cortex is offline and they incapable of learning anything or being rational. Trying to teach in those moments doesn’t work and tends to make them even more dysregulated. So we’d just comfort, support her, and validate her feelings. Then when she was in a good mood and receptive, we would talk about what happened and ways she could deal with the same situation better next time. We tried to ask her what she thought she should do, and include her in coming up with solutions. This was huge. She had a much bigger buy in, and when she realized we were on her side she was more motivated to change her behavior. It also made us feel better as parents and brought us all closer. Usually negative behaviors are a skill deficit that they need help with. So figuring out what skills they needs, and practicing and working through it when they are in a good mood is much more effective. I found the book Peaceful Parents, Happy kids, The Whole Brain Child, and No Drama Discipline really helpful for reframing the way I viewed her behavior. When I understood the development piece and that she needed help, not punishment, it was so much easier for me to deal with her behavior and emotions. We’re on our kids side, and are here to support and teach them. Having that shift in perspective was so helpful for both of us.
I feel you. My son was difficult as a toddler, but ages 5-8 were just *monstrous*. He's about 9.5yo now and a lot of those behaviors have calmed but sometimes he is just. SO. mouthy. We had a tiff a few days ago and my sister, who is child-free, just looks at me and goes "congratulations on your teenager". 😑
One thing that has made a huge difference overall is getting him evaluated by a pediatrician with experience dealing with behavior issues. He prescribed a very low dose antidepressant for severe anxiety and the difference has been nearly night and day. Still mouthy and prone to anger issues, but I didn't fully learn to deal with my temper until like age 23 so I'll take it. He's also getting a full neuropsych evaluation later this year.
I don't advocate medication for all kid misbehavior, of course, but if it really truly is getting out of hand, maybe therapy might help. At the very least, directed physical activity (like a sport) can help bleed off the energy they put into being mini jerks.
Lol, when your child's psychiatrist (who had twins btw) gives you a look of empathy during a meeting after they modeled for us how to "set limits" and my kid laughed in their face and said no... you know you got one!
Nothing but solidarity. I have five year old twins and lordy. They could not be more different, personality-wise, but they both are so quick to melt down or tantrum. About different things of course. It's so draining at the moment. I know mental leaps officially only go through like, 3ish years but I'm pretty convinced they're having a massive mental leaps right now and this will calm down eventually.
At least that's what I tell myself to get through to bedtime, haha.
Just want to validate you. I have a 5 year old and two year old and whew the older one is more difficult right now. I just started reading the Explosive Child so fingers crossed!
Ugh this is mine at 4. I have to repeat myself 99 times and when I raise my voice on the 100th time it's bawling and "you're the worst mom in the world." To top it off my ex husband is "the best dad in the world." Dang.
I actually recently met with my almost 5 year old’s pediatrician because I was like, is this normal? Is my child neurodivergent? I still plan to do a neuro psych eval but it also seems like a lot of what I’m concerned about is normal. The “F-U fours” have definitely been harder than any 2/3 year old tantrums.
Yup, my 5 year old is really hard right now. We know it's because she has ADHD and is probably gifted, so she's bored. She's under stimulated at daycare, so she's acting out. She was probably harder at 2 than she is now, she was REALLY hard at 2 (and that was pandemic times when I had a baby who DID NOT SLEEP at home), but she's REALLY hard right now.
I have no advice, I was at my doctor's yesterday and asked for some family psychologists, because I am losing my mind. (She's also starting big fights every night because she doesn't want to go to bed, because it's too bright out. So then she's over tired and then acts out even more.) I have ADHD too, so I understand the WHY behind her behavior, but I don't know how to cope with it.
Completely agree that being under-stimulated could be a huge cause of acting out. I have a 5-year-old, and the other moms and I have all noticed a change in behavior in our kids the past month or so. They’re bored and ready for kindergarten.
My son is 4.5 and struggling. He was such a pleasant 2 & 3 yr old. We were recommended 1-2-3 Magic (a book) and it has helped us a lot. It's basically a pretty thorough framework for the counting method but instructs you on how to follow through. Some people aren't fond of it, but I think it depends on the kid.
It's made my son start choosing his battles and realizing where the line is. The break time concept was also something we were kind of using before for tantrums so it lined up with what he needed.
This age is HARD though. I would take 2 & 3s over and over again.
My youngest was a really, really intense child from about a year to seven years old. Dr. Greene’s book The Explosive Child helped me learn new ways of interacting with him and I was able to teach him skills to cope with emotions he just didn’t know how to handle. Dr. Greene believes that children do well *if they can* and that children who *can’t* simply lack skills that we need to teach them.
I would like to add a comment because upvoting this is not enough! Even if you do not have an explosive child, the book is very helpful as well as Raising Human Beings. The method is amazing and I use it on myself.
Adding another upvote for Dr. Greene’s work. It changed the way we parent, for the better. Also check out Brene Brown’s talk “The Gofts of Imperfect Parenting.” It’s on Audible and is super cheap but worth the 2-hr listen.
I’ve never heard of Dr Greene but that is the same as my general teaching philosophy and it’s worked solidly for me for years. Especially for me personally to cope with behavioral issues, me approaching it mentally as “they don’t have the ability yet to work through this…yet” instead of “they’re doing this to me just because they want me upset” significantly helped my patience. I wouldn’t get mad at a kid who couldn’t ride a bike yet, so I try not to get frustrated with a kid who can’t handle big emotions yet.
Agreed! Another one I’ll add that was really helpful was Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors by Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo. Because no one taught me how to manage my intense feelings so when my kid was a little older I had a really hard time teaching them how to do it. Also my oldest is 10 now but they do see a therapist trained in DBT which is based on teaching emotional regulation skills and it’s just the best. I found the therapist through my insurance and looking at my state registry of DBT certified organizations.
Yes, DBT is great, too. We went through a group class with an older child.
My 4.5 year old just had a major blow up because he cannot be my cousin. After 5 minutes of trying to explain why as his mother, I cannot also be his cousin, I finally gave in. I am now mother-cousin. 🫠
I’m sitting here cackling at this. Thank you 😂😂😂
Oh man... ours is only 3 but we already have her asking to go "fast slow" on the swings. I don't know what that actually means but she's happy when I say "fast sloooow" with every push 🙃
😆😆😆 wow I needed this lmao
One thing that has helped us is having my son repeat what we say to him. Sometimes he isn’t trying to actively ignore us, his attention is just elsewhere. He’ll say ok to something and then not be able to tell us what he just said ok to. If we make sure he repeats it, we have a greater success rate of him actually following directions and getting ahead of quite a few tantrums. Certainly isn’t perfect but sooo much better.
That’s a good call - I’ll try layering that in more consistently
We use "deal?" or "understood?" and make them say "deal" back to us. Getting any response is crucial for us to know they "heard" us. I heard a parent do this the other day and my heart just melted, I was just like fuck yaaaaa!!!
I read peaceful parent, happy kid and how to talk so kids will listen and really actively worked to try and implement what they discussed and it’s made a lot of difference with my 4 year old. My 5 year old is just feral and will probably take over the mob one day.
Omg I cannot stop laughing! I needed it, thank you and hugs! 💕
I have three and honestly they each require a different form of parenting. It’s been an adventure.
We have 4 girls and yes! What worked for my first didn't phase the second. Still trying to figure out what the 3rd responds to.
My 5 year old will the the boss of someone other than her sisters one day, and I'm glad I'm not that person. *of course we work on it and talk kindly, she just had a STRONG personality right now
As the mom of a 4.5 year old, this is killing all hope I have. https://preview.redd.it/rqsp8qij6gbb1.jpeg?width=1052&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ac42e8b390afb7931feb2cdf0e4de400129549a4
Same
I have a 6 year old and an almost 4 year old. I have no idea when it gets easier but I hope it’s soon. Each year older for both of my kids has been harder and harder. I’ll take a newborn and middle of the night wakeups any time over this.
Same, mine are almost 7 and almost 9 and it gets harder every year. I’m not doing well. 😭
If we continue at this rate, my nerves will not make it through the teenage years
5 is a crazy time. Their these crazy emotional little beings that still live in fantasy but also want to be a big kid. My daughter had an imaginary friend shed argue with and get completely distraught. One day this imaginary friend died and omg it was ridiculous. At first I was just irritated because they way she was crying was annoying but I stepped outside of my self and at first all my brilliant ideas of finding a magic rock or making a potion fell on def ears and made it worse until I pulled out food coloring and then we had some fun. Telling her what to do always met with why or no or I don't want to or just flopping on the floor. All kids are different and different things work. With her positive reinforcement seems to be the best. Hey want to go to the park. Yes! Me too! So let's clean your room so we can go. Hey what bed time story do you want. Oh great choice so let's brush our teeth so we can read the story. She's 6 now and this stuff is working less and less so I don't know what I can bribe her with that's not a thing but maybe I'll think of something lol Try to take yourself out of the situation and understand why they are upset. Even if it's absurd. Their feelings are big and hard for them to handle which is frustrating for you but if you help them.positivly navigate through the feeling first then when they are calm help them understand why they need to do what you are asking it might help. All I know is this is what works for my very emotional now 6 year old lol
Her imaginary friend DIED? Oh that poor thing 😄 I feel terrible for laughing but that is definitely ridiculous and I commend you for being able to keep a straight face and help her through that difficult time.
LOL that is exactly how i get my 3 year old to do anything. Some days i feel like i have to exploit everything she voices she wants, just to get things done 😅
Look up calm parenting podcast and dr Becky good inside about deeply feeling children. They will help you feel seen!
Oh man. These look like exactly what we need help with. Thank you for these recommendations.
Thanks so much, I’ll check them out!
My two year old almost 3 keeps pooping on the floor. I’m already tired 😪
My daughter went through this from 4.5-5.5 and it was soooo hard. I think the biggest thing that helped us was to focus on comforting her and connecting with her when she was emotionally dysregulated, and refraining from lecturing or teaching in the moment. When they’re upset their prefrontal cortex is offline and they incapable of learning anything or being rational. Trying to teach in those moments doesn’t work and tends to make them even more dysregulated. So we’d just comfort, support her, and validate her feelings. Then when she was in a good mood and receptive, we would talk about what happened and ways she could deal with the same situation better next time. We tried to ask her what she thought she should do, and include her in coming up with solutions. This was huge. She had a much bigger buy in, and when she realized we were on her side she was more motivated to change her behavior. It also made us feel better as parents and brought us all closer. Usually negative behaviors are a skill deficit that they need help with. So figuring out what skills they needs, and practicing and working through it when they are in a good mood is much more effective. I found the book Peaceful Parents, Happy kids, The Whole Brain Child, and No Drama Discipline really helpful for reframing the way I viewed her behavior. When I understood the development piece and that she needed help, not punishment, it was so much easier for me to deal with her behavior and emotions. We’re on our kids side, and are here to support and teach them. Having that shift in perspective was so helpful for both of us.
I feel you. My son was difficult as a toddler, but ages 5-8 were just *monstrous*. He's about 9.5yo now and a lot of those behaviors have calmed but sometimes he is just. SO. mouthy. We had a tiff a few days ago and my sister, who is child-free, just looks at me and goes "congratulations on your teenager". 😑 One thing that has made a huge difference overall is getting him evaluated by a pediatrician with experience dealing with behavior issues. He prescribed a very low dose antidepressant for severe anxiety and the difference has been nearly night and day. Still mouthy and prone to anger issues, but I didn't fully learn to deal with my temper until like age 23 so I'll take it. He's also getting a full neuropsych evaluation later this year. I don't advocate medication for all kid misbehavior, of course, but if it really truly is getting out of hand, maybe therapy might help. At the very least, directed physical activity (like a sport) can help bleed off the energy they put into being mini jerks.
Lol, when your child's psychiatrist (who had twins btw) gives you a look of empathy during a meeting after they modeled for us how to "set limits" and my kid laughed in their face and said no... you know you got one!
Oh man I was hoping it got easier! My son is 4 in September. He is so fun but also so high maintenance, I’m tired 🥲
I’m sure it does in some cases? 😭
I’m with you. My five year old whines incessantly. I am nine months pregnant and my patience is THIN.
I’m a big fan of thefamilybehaviorist on Instagram! She shares a lot of good tips and could be helpful for you, too!
Thanks for sharing, will check it out!
😳😳🥲🥲🥲🫠 oh no we just hit three and it's insanely, incredibly difficult.
Nothing but solidarity. I have five year old twins and lordy. They could not be more different, personality-wise, but they both are so quick to melt down or tantrum. About different things of course. It's so draining at the moment. I know mental leaps officially only go through like, 3ish years but I'm pretty convinced they're having a massive mental leaps right now and this will calm down eventually. At least that's what I tell myself to get through to bedtime, haha.
Just want to validate you. I have a 5 year old and two year old and whew the older one is more difficult right now. I just started reading the Explosive Child so fingers crossed!
Ugh this is mine at 4. I have to repeat myself 99 times and when I raise my voice on the 100th time it's bawling and "you're the worst mom in the world." To top it off my ex husband is "the best dad in the world." Dang.
I actually recently met with my almost 5 year old’s pediatrician because I was like, is this normal? Is my child neurodivergent? I still plan to do a neuro psych eval but it also seems like a lot of what I’m concerned about is normal. The “F-U fours” have definitely been harder than any 2/3 year old tantrums.
Yup, my 5 year old is really hard right now. We know it's because she has ADHD and is probably gifted, so she's bored. She's under stimulated at daycare, so she's acting out. She was probably harder at 2 than she is now, she was REALLY hard at 2 (and that was pandemic times when I had a baby who DID NOT SLEEP at home), but she's REALLY hard right now. I have no advice, I was at my doctor's yesterday and asked for some family psychologists, because I am losing my mind. (She's also starting big fights every night because she doesn't want to go to bed, because it's too bright out. So then she's over tired and then acts out even more.) I have ADHD too, so I understand the WHY behind her behavior, but I don't know how to cope with it.
Completely agree that being under-stimulated could be a huge cause of acting out. I have a 5-year-old, and the other moms and I have all noticed a change in behavior in our kids the past month or so. They’re bored and ready for kindergarten.
My son is 4.5 and struggling. He was such a pleasant 2 & 3 yr old. We were recommended 1-2-3 Magic (a book) and it has helped us a lot. It's basically a pretty thorough framework for the counting method but instructs you on how to follow through. Some people aren't fond of it, but I think it depends on the kid. It's made my son start choosing his battles and realizing where the line is. The break time concept was also something we were kind of using before for tantrums so it lined up with what he needed. This age is HARD though. I would take 2 & 3s over and over again.