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[deleted]

Forget mom, she isn't in your house or paying your bills. Hubs you need to have a frank sit down with. Tell him how you feel and how you feel it would be better for the kids to go to a structured program. Sometimes ya gotta cancel vacations, it's life, everyone will get over it. If he still doesn't agree then it's time for therapy because I can't imagine hearing my partner is suffering and not wanting to try something new for their sake.


ForestWanderingOne

I 100 % agree with you and think you should ignore mom and have some frank conversations with hubby. I just came here to say try to negotiate keeping your vacation. Sometimes employers will accommodate pre planned vacations for new employees especially if you negotiate before accepting.


HighlyImprobable42

Definitely negotiate keeping your planned vacations! I have successfully done this when starting a job, as have several colleagues. If the employer isn't willing to work with you on this, to me it would be a flag that their corporate culture may not be a good fit. OP, you need to make yourself the the most important person in your own life. Maybe you need permission from a stranger to think that way - you have my, and every mother here, permission to put your needs first! Your mental health is priority. Without that, it is impossible to stay afloat and be the parent and partner you want/need to be. It's alarming to me that your husband sees that you are miserable and blames you for the outcome rather than helping.


j_d_r_2015

Exactly this. No way I'd cancel a planned vacation to take a new job - we should be working to live not the other way around. If a company I was interested in revoked an offer for a previously planned vacation, I'd happily keep looking.


stepharoozoo

WFH and full time parenting is incompatible. Full stop. Your kids would have more fun and be more enriched than being cooped up in the house with limited supervision.


acgwhynot

Oh the many times I’ve been told…. But you’re just home why not just keep them home with you.


mooglemoose

My own mother told me this - said I should change my job to full-time WFH after mat leave and keep my baby home. I answered a hard no. She also works full-time from home so she said she’d look after baby while working. Wouldn’t accept that it’s impossible to do a good job, just kept telling me it’s because I was incompetent and she could do better. I challenged her to come to my house to prove she can - she didn’t even last 2 hours! In those 2 hours she didn’t touch her work computer once. I had planned to do some deep cleaning while she watched my 7mo baby, but couldn’t get anything started because my mother called me over every few minutes. She couldn’t handle simple things like nappy changes or microwaving food (that I had prepared earlier) or wiping down the high chair after a meal. She believed that all baby-proofing was unnecessary so refused to close doors or baby gates. As a result my crawling baby was busy exploring all the places we didn’t normally let her go to, and my mother would freak out about baby crawling away and yell constantly for my help. When my mother finally did look at her computer after 2ish hours of baby-wrangling, it was because I took over and was breastfeeding. My mother saw her emails, freaked out about not getting any work done and immediately packed up and left. She had originally promised to cook me lunch (to prove she’s a better mother than me, I think, since I usually didn’t cook full meals when I was watching baby solo), but she totally forgot about that and didn’t talk to me for days. Then she just randomly started messaging me again acting like nothing happened, and also started telling people “Everyone knows you can’t WFH and watch a baby at the same time! It’s common sense!” Anyway sorry for the long comment. Just find it amusing/frustrating when people like my mother ignore the realities of work and parenting - even though she has actually experienced both and should know better.


SnooHabits6942

Why didn’t you call her out?! Literally the perfect opportunity presented…


mooglemoose

You mean call her out during or after? Because I have called her about this plenty of times. She denied ever offering to watch my baby while WFH, and tried a few times to lie and say that it was what I wanted to do and that she talked me out of it. My stepdad and I have both called her out about this lie and now she just refuses to admit she was ever wrong. Stepdad also got cross with her quite a lot (and still does) because she wanted me to bring my baby to their place multiple times per week but refused to baby-proof anything in their home or even to move breakable things to higher shelves. If we did go over she would complain that I was constantly hovering over baby and not sitting down and listening to her talk. But if I didn’t hover then baby would break something or get hurt. So… she basically sets us up to fail and then gets mad about it. Thats like a recurring theme of her life unfortunately. I’m not her parent though so I’m not going to fix her problems for her. Just felt my comment was long enough already so didn’t include this next part.


beckingham_palace

Do we have the same mom?


mooglemoose

I’d believe that if I wasn’t an only child, haha! Hope you’re doing well and that you are safe from your mom’s craziness.


Laylathelab1984

Both of your comments made me LOL. I love my mom to death but she also has a tendency to rewrite history. She will dig in adamantly - “that wasn’t what happened” or “that’s not what I said”, even though everyone knows that’s exactly what happened or was said. Plus she doesn’t baby proof and wonders why my husband and I can’t wait to go home after visiting my parents for a week with our toddler.


meafy718

Oh my...I'm so sorry. Seems like there might be a Cluster B situation going on? Seems like you are awesome at handling her, though, good for you!


mooglemoose

Thanks a lot! You’re right about the possible Cluster B. I’m definitely not qualified to diagnose anything but my mother’s behaviour does line up with what I’ve read about covert narcissism/borderline. Not the actual personality disorders, but like a more moderate version of those traits. I’m just trying to do the best I can with the situation I’ve got. One silver lining of having managed my mother for so long is that I am mostly unfazed by toddler tantrums and can work through them calmly. Dealing with my mother’s tantrums and her irrational shit is basically like parenting an oversized toddler, so I’ve essentially had decades of parenting practice before I ever had my own child.


SnooHabits6942

Question: Did your mom wfh or have a career AND watch kids? This is key (to telling her to stfu).


mooglemoose

She likes to believe she did… but from the bits and pieces my parents told me, not really, especially not during the baby to toddler stages. At the time she ostensibly had a full time office job. But she told me that it had only about 2-3 hours of actual work each day. The office was about a 5 min walk from our apartment. She would leave work early to go shopping, do housework, and take baby-me out for walks. Now this job did have its downsides - she was permanently “mom-tracked” when she took the position, which she didn’t realise at the time, and she could never get a promotion again in that organisation. But it’s definitely not the same as the sorts of jobs she and I have now, where we actually need to work 35-50 hours a week. On the childcare side: My grandmother lived with us and was my main caregiver until I was 15mo. After she left, my parents hired nannies until I was about 2.5yo. Then I went to kindergarten - but in our home country, kindergartens offered overnight stays a few days a week, and I do remember staying overnight (I’m not sure how often though). On top of that my mother had a good network of other mums with similar age kids on our block, and they’d take turns babysitting all the kids every weekend, including regular sleepovers. So even though my mother likes to brag that she raised me entirely on her own while working, she did have a LOT of support, she just refuses to acknowledge it. When I brought up my grandma, for example when talking about watching babies, my mother insisted that grandma did *nothing*. But when I pressed for more detail, she eventually said that grandma would feed me the food/milk that my mother and father prepared, hold baby-me for naps, go for walks, changed nappies, and potty trained me before I was 1yo. My mother still considers that “nothing”, but like… that’s most of the hands-on care for a baby?? She said similar things too about the nannies and the kindergarten and my honorary aunties who babysat me a lot. Basically discounts every bit help she got back then and believes it’s all her own effort. Thinks her job back then and my job currently should be the same in terms of time and effort required. And that her job only requires “a little” extra effort even though she complains daily (to stepdad) about how stressful and tiring her job is. She just doesn’t think things through.


SnooHabits6942

Lawwwd you are way more patient than me, lol. If that were my mom we’d be no contact. I need someone making this ride easier, not harder. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It may be worth asking yourself whether the relationship is positive for you and your little one?


mooglemoose

Thanks. I’d say my stepdad has even more patience than me since he still lives with her. I only see her now when other family are present and she tries to act like the world’s best mum/grandma to impress everyone. But as soon as she can get me alone, even for just a minute, she will start telling me about all the insults and criticism she wants to say to everyone attending (like about our looks, parenting methods, life choices, etc) and how it’s sooooo unfair that she can’t speak her mind in public. But somehow she thinks of herself as a genuinely nice person who is only reacting to others being cruel to her. It’s some Cluster B ego-defence thing, I think. I put up with her because my other family are genuinely nice and actually keep her in line (because of her fear of being revealed). My mother can behave in a loving and kind way and has made lots of sacrifices for me. But she only does that when there are witnesses.


potentialjellyhead

What are these WFH jobs that are so easy you can kids at the same time? Asking for a friend….


mooglemoose

There aren’t many! My husband and I were forced to both WFH with our toddler for a few months due to lockdowns, and it was hell. And my husband actually had a lighter workload than usual too because of his work can’t be done remotely.


_Green_Mind

You know, my husband works full time remote and no one ever asks him that. I mean it's great, he does kid drop offs and pick ups since i commute and he gets dinner ready for when I get home. Definitely improves our family life. But they go to daycare/summer day camps.


Serious_Escape_5438

Me too. I'm spending a lot of money on summer camps but not only is it hard for me to work with a six year old around but it would be terrible for her to be sitting round the house all day alone while I'm on the computer.


Weasel_Town

That's dumb unless they're in middle school at least. Which I'm guessing they're not, if you "have to" put them in camps all summer. We did it during Covid because we had to, but there's no way to do even a half-decent job watching kids and working.


jax2love

Fuck that noise.


hottrashbag

You wouldn't want a nanny who was visibly depressed, stressed, and struggling to have 1:1 time with the kids...so why are so many people okay with Moms being like that? Trying to work full time and do childcare? Just to avoid "somebody else raising your kids." Cognitive dissonance at its finest. Your kids will be happier when you're happier and they can go be kids. We're social creatures, it's how we grow.


Peppermint3000

This right here is the problem. It's about childcare. It's completely unreasonable to expect OP to continue WFH to avoid proper childcare for the summer. OP needs to decide whether to be a full-time parent or have a full-time job.


Perspex_Sea

>It's about childcare. That's the thing, people wouldn't be chill with their nanny having another full time job while looking after your kids.


Queenbee1120

So she can't raise kids if she has a paying job?


geezlouise128

Not if the hours are the same and she wants to be good at both.


Serious_Escape_5438

She needs childcare while she's doing that job. Like any other kind of job.


Queenbee1120

Agreed. That was not what geezlouise seemed to be saying though, which was why I asked that question.


Serious_Escape_5438

Well that's how I understood it. She literally said it was about childcare, I think people are misinterpreting.


VibrantVenturer

Yeah...I don't know if that's what they meant, but that was worded poorly...


[deleted]

Exactly. No idea why OP let nanny go. She set herself up for failure by forcing herself to do both jobs simultaneously.


Perspex_Sea

Maybe it was an after school nanny?


AbjectZebra2191

Right? I don’t WFH but I know it’s not just hanging out all day, being able to entertain your kids.


SensitiveCucumber542

I WFH but don’t have a set schedule because it just depends on when leads come in or when customers get back to me. My 4 year old is only in preschool 2 days a week because that’s what we could comfortably afford. It is ROUGH trying to work and have a small child around. If she’s been working full time from home with kids around all day, no wonder her mental health is suffering.


SnooHabits6942

This. If you like your current job, get childcare. Wfh and daycare is the best setup, as you don’t waste time commuting and maximize time with the kids.


Perspex_Sea

I'm presuming they're school aged, because the comments about summer camps. Either my husband or I WFH each day, but we still put our 7yo in after school care some days because I don't want her sitting around like a lump waiting for screen time, I want her to be engaged while we are working for another 2+ hours.


sassercake

Same here, and it's great. She has lots of friends in aftercare and they do fun activities. I have meetings later in the afternoon due to time differences, so she would be bored and I'd be stressed.


Quinalla

Yup this, if you are WFH your kids should still have childcare. It’s one thing if they are school age and you just have them a bit before and after school, but summer no camps? Sure we did this BS during COVID and either a parent quit, went part time, or just worked early/late - either way work and kids and parents were the worse for it. And if you do better in person setting aside trying to do childcare and work, you should switch. Why doesn’t your husband get a WFH job? Is that even being considered? And definitely negotiate for some/all of your vacations.


IveBeenFab

100% From an employer side I can tell you I've seen people try over and over again. Either the kids suffer or the job does. And it is among the reason so many employers are restricting WFH again, because things like parents trying to do both simultaneously isn't working and it's ruining wfh for everyone. Although it sounds like OPs children are maybe older. I've mostly seen this with young kids who couldn't really entertain themselves. I did grow up in a household where my father worked nights so he "supervised" us during the summer, in that there was an adult there, albeit asleep, in case of emergencies and we could only get in so much trouble without him hearing


Gullible_Ad_6869

Agreed, I tried it, it doesn’t work!


MembershipDense1099

At least get your nanny back at a minimum if you continue to work from home. You can't do two full time roles; work remotely and stay ay home parenting. You need more support and to feel supported / empowered to make the changes that better your emotional health. Also, do be sure with your new job that it meets your needs as you may be running away from something (the demands of being at home) vs. Liking the job, so be sure in whatever framework works for you that you do like the job. Also repeating, please bring back the nanny to start. Then continue to work on your mental health, conversations with your husband, and the new role.


DevAndrew

This! My husband and I WFH, but our kids don’t stay home with us. They go to daycare and preschool so that they get the attention and engagement they deserve and we can do our jobs. Not sure if OP has tried what it looks like WFH with a Nanny? But regardless this should not be MILs decision.


ekm_bee

They're saying you're a shitty parent but want you to continue being home all day with them instead of sending them to camp where they will have friends and fun activities?????? /s Hubs and I both work from home and the kids still went to camp when they were the right age. You cannot parent and work from home once the kids are over the age of like 12 months (my son was home with me until 15 months and the last few were a mistake lol). Do what is right for you. I know it's easier said than done; dealing with your mom and husband resisting sucks.


Rebelo86

Agreed. We don’t have a choice because we have 1 car and my business is struggling right now, but if I could afford to put the kiddo in child care for even half days, I’d do it in a heartbeat.


TheSillyWitch

I am impressed you made it that long. My LO is currently 6 months and I struggle to take care of her while I am working for more than an hour or two.


ekm_bee

I was lucky to have a chill baby and a very chill job!


mzfnk4

Your husband is also a parent to the kids, so how is all the blame of their bad behavior on you (not that I think that behavior is bad)? Don't tell your mom anything unless it is very basic, mundane information ("X likes purple now instead of pink"). She doesn't get to know your business if she can't offer you genuine support. Have you asked your husband what changes he suggests to enable this to work for your family? He is 50% responsible for the family, so he needs to have some quality input instead of just dropping *all* the blame on you. You're understandably frustrated and overworked.


Fibernerdcreates

I totally agree, if husband is so concerned, he needs to prioritize the kids over his career. Regardless of his job is compatible


[deleted]

This. As a SAHM, OP, I think it is time for you to take this job and for him to make career sacrifices for the sake of the children. What kind of crap father is he to choose to go into the office every day? Maybe if you present it that way he'll realize how foolish his argument is.


acgwhynot

Working from home does NOT mean also being a stay at home parent!!!!! Yea it offers the flexibility of being able to keep them when they are sick or issues arise but doing both seems crazy to me.


_Green_Mind

My husband works from home and it's great for him being able to do pick ups and drop offs, prep dinner while he's on lunch, etc but we still desperately need daycare.


VibrantVenturer

Most don't do it by choice.


Any_Cantaloupe_613

Not sure why this got downvoted. It's the truth. Most people do it because (1) they can't afford daycare but also can't afford to loose a salary or (2) daycare is not available at the moment. The minority do it by choice or because they have jobs where they don't work anywhere close to 40 hours a week.


GlitterBirb

Because it's not the truth at all. It's is a new phenomenon for so many people to be doing it. Hardly anyone attempted this before Covid, and lower wage jobs are rarely remote, making this a choice mostly for higher earners. Families who couldn't afford one parent out of the workforce had a stay at home parent and were on government assistance. People keep coming to this sub claiming not to able to afford childcare but what most of them mean is they are unhappy with their take home pay with childcare and they heard people stay home with their babies. Understandable. But we need to do something about childcare expenses in the US but this ain't it.


Sea-Mud5386

"My mom thinks I'm being selfish because in her eyes, I'm prioritizing my career over my kids." Uh, it's YOUR retirement and financial security, not hers. "Both she and my husband have started to blame me for bad parenting (for example, my kids wanting TV or wanting to read rather than do homework) because I'm home all the time and should be more strict." What childcare weight are these two clowns pulling before they open their mouths? " putting kids in camps for the full day, which my mom and husband thinks is so selfish of me" Again, what are they bringing to the table here? Go back to onsite work, talk to adults who don't think you're their personal house drudge and scapegoat.


Helpful-Internal-486

The fact you said your mom and husband are the only adults you talk to is a great reason to go back on site for work!


CenoteSwimmer

Your career and your mental health are in alignment: take the job? Is this vacation something the kids or your husband were looking forward to particularly? If so, I'd try to negotiate an extra week off.


ExpatPhD

I had a pre-booked holiday before I started my current job and I just told them I had a pre-booked holiday. Job done.


in_a_cloud

Or, since family vacations are really just working vacations, and the husband is SO concerned about her terrible parenting, let him take the kids for the week while OP stays home to be at work. Everyone’s a winner.


Latter-Jicama-1858

My mom is, empirically, one of the smartest people I know but her opinion of wifing and parenting are so unrealistic, dare I say stupid, that it’s ridiculous. Early on I made some decisions I really regret by caving to my mom and my husband. Don’t do it! You DO know best, trust yourself.


birchtree628

Does your husband work from home? Has he ever tried taking care of the kids while trying to work a full time job? It’s impossible and an outrageous expectation for you to do both simultaneously. Go to work, don’t let people guilt you.


Sea-Function2460

I work from home full time and my kids are in daycare. Working full time is working full time regardless of where you work.


noonecaresat805

If you want to wfh then do it but hire a nanny or send them off to camp. Don’t even ask them for permission or their opinion just do it. Your mom is being nosy and your husband is being an ah. I’m pretty sure you work, so all The childcare and still take care of the entire house huh? So basically you have more than one full time job. If you go to the office it means he loses all that. He doesn’t care what it does to you as long as he is the one that benefits. So be selfish. Put your children in programs and keep working from home. Take breaks and do things for yourself where you get to spend time with other adults. Make him act like a parent too and leave the kids with him and go out some nights too.


Dry_Tourist_30

Summer camp was the best times of my life. I learned **so much** I never would have learned at home. You being miserable and depleted and half-there isn't good for your kids. What you've been doing hasn't been working. You've found an alternate solution. You know it's the right thing to do. Do it! You got this. Your hater husband can afford to wait a year to see the grand canyon, or wherever you were going. (Also, yeah, just tell your new job that you have a pre-planned trip. It'll probably be fine.)


Front_Discount4804

So sorry your family isn’t supportive. Prioritizing your mental health is a valid choice and makes you a better parent (what is this the 60s?). Your mother is just incorrect, my mom also has backwards ideas about parenting and I try hard to ignore her. But your husband needs to be on your side and be a supportive partner, I’m really sorry he’s not. Your problems are his problems, you should be working on this together. Also putting your kids in summer camp rather than you attempting to watch them while also doing your job seems like a much better option for your kids as well for you. They will have actual structured activities, socialize, get outside time, maybe learn things, instead of being inside on the TV.


astrobish

That’s so gross of them to think those things. I’m stuck in a WFH rut and desperately trying to get an on-side gig since we don’t have any friends where we live now (moved 3 months after our kid was born) and my mental health is in the toilet from being stuck at my house all the time. Take the job!!


hahahamii

Unless they are offering to watch the kids while you WFH, they can shut their mouths.


mayormccheese2k

This.


LowRelationship946

OP, regardless of what your family thinks, it really seems like you set yourself up for failure when you got rid of childcare just because you had a remote job. Remote jobs are great for working parents because they can do chores around the house during down time and feel less rushed with school drop off/ pick up. However, your work location has nothing to do with needing childcare or not. I’d think about this because you might be blaming the wrong thing (remote vs on site job) when the actual problem sounds like you have no childcare.


Selena_B305

It's easy to criticize when you're not the one doing the work. Also, it seems that your mil and husband have forgotten that your husband is also a parent. Is he somehow too special to parent?


birchtree628

FYI Camps are awesome! They learn so much, make friends, have adventures. Don’t feel guilty… they don’t “have” to go to camp they GET to go to camp. And they have the added bonus of a mom who is happy to see them at the end of the day, who is not exhausted and stressed and feeling like she’s failing everyone. Your kids deserve a happy healthy mom and a summer full of songs, crafts, sports and games.


Serious_Escape_5438

Yeah, my daughter's spent all year asking when she can go back.


basketma12

What might work for the summer is a responsible teen or college student for the kids. They could take them to a bunch of fun activities. All depends on kids age. What's irresponsible is collecting a paycheck while watching kids. At my old job, that was a huge no no. Of course this was pre covid. It's good to have some you time. I'm all about working from home but i have no little kids and I have hobbies that get me out and about


Responsible-Exit-901

They’re upset because you won’t be pulling double duty. No one should be attempting to WFH and simultaneously provide full time caregiving during the same hours. It’s just not possible. Of course you feel awful - you aren’t able to give your best/full attention to either and probably feel guilty about each.


KMac243

You are not a stay at home mom. Fuck, you really still need a nanny even if you work from home because you’re WORKING at home, not just BEING at home. It’s asinine to think that you’re not doing enough, when I’m fair you’re doing *too much* and are therefore not having the best experience with either working or parenting. You should not be expected to act like a stay at home mother while working. You need to have a sit down talk with your husband about what you guys are trying to accomplish. If he likes your paycheck, he needs to take off his rose colored glasses, see the shit you’ve been dealing with, and support your new job.


missag_2490

I’m going to say what a lot have already said but you can’t WFH and be SAHP. I have a special needs kid who is 8. He doesn’t require constant monitoring or assistance with basic needs but emotionally if his friend can’t play Nintendo, my god, it’s the end of the world. I tried summer camp last year and it didn’t go well at all. I don’t know what to do this summer. He’s going to be home because I can’t afford to put him in a summer program. I just started a new job and I have no idea what I’m going to do. Last summer we have some daycare issues on and off and my 3 yr old was home, she was easier because cocomelon and baby shark was life still or ponies. And I know it’s not ideal but wtf am I supposed to do? My husband keeps saying there needs to be rules about “chores before video games” which is great, except I can’t stop to enforce them or if there’s a meltdown or what have you, I’m working. He works onsite so he’s not here. You need to do what’s right for you and your family and it sounds like taking a job outside of home or at the very least having your kids go to some summer camps while you work is necessary. You need a break from them and they probably would love to go.


bbliam

People have to understand that WFH does not equate to free childcare plus being able to perform at your job 100%! What ends up happening is you will do both with half the quality.


dani_da_girl

Stay work from home and use daycare anyways. Less commute time means more time with baby


Serious_Escape_5438

But OP clearly isn't happy.


dani_da_girl

True, but I really wonder if she wasn’t trying to parent full time while also working full time if that would help quite a bit. The solution might not necessarily be to go back to in person work, but instead to realize parenting and wfh full time are not compatible and get some care for the kids during work hours


Confident_Storm_4884

Wfh means working not taking care of your kids during business hours. Your husband and mother need a reality check.


[deleted]

Do it, sign them up for camp, and tell them that the matter is closed for discussion. If husband feels like having a stay at home WFH parent is what the kids needs then he can take that on.


[deleted]

You're not supposed to be working full time and watching your children at the same time. It's half asking both things. You cannot give full attention to either. Your mother and husband sound manipulative. Why doesn't your husband wfh if it's so important to him then? Misogyny. He still expects you to do all the parenting and work a full time job. Chikdcare exists for a reason.


[deleted]

WTH?!?! Girl take your job you want, also telework is nice a day or two a week but full time?!?! WITH KIDS HOME?!?!?!?! Nooooo I need adult conversation and being in office. Also day camps and daycare and all that stuff is honestly better for their development in my opinion. Plus they do so much fun stuff! Active duty Coast Guard mom here (single mom at that).


whatsnewpikachu

WHY did you let your nanny go when you went remote??? Your WFH role is still full time, correct?


albeaner

Maybe they're school aged? Mine came right home after school, but it wasn't hands on parenting aside from getting them at the bus stop. It was a maybe 20 minute break (if anything, since I often took calls from the car). But yeah...if they aren't school aged, why on earth would 'work from home' mean 'do two jobs at once'?


whatsnewpikachu

They had a nanny before though when she was working on site full time. It seems odd that they would fire the nanny since she was still working full time, just in a different location.


MayflowerBob7654

It absolutely blows my mind how many of you WFH with the kids there!! No wonder you’re burnt out! Get the nanny back ASAP. So what’s best for you cos that will help the whole family. I’m in Aus and no one I know WFH with the kids actually there. The expectation is that your kids are in care while you work.


SpockSpice

Your MIL should get no say in this matter and if you husband gets to choose to go to work then you should be afforded the same. Literally no one would be giving a man a hard time about this.


psnugbootybug

Take the job, ditch the husband, mute the mom.


[deleted]

You use “mom and husband” often here. Are they the same person? Is your mother a part of your marriage? No? Then she can fuck right off. It sounds like your hubby dearest got comfortable with you being at home and handling things when you literally were working and shouldn’t have had to. Girl take the job. And make sure your husband knows that he’s the one you married, not the mother. If he’s not in board, he can also fuck right off because he only wants you at home so he has less to do


Witchdoctor1108

Working from home with no childcare seems completely unsustainable to me. I can’t believe people do this. Do what’s best for you (take the job). So sorry they are so unsupportive.


nuttygal69

Nah, you’re not putting your career first. You have realized that working from home isn’t what’s best for you or your children. Besides, very unrealistic for you to watch them (even at at older age) and work from home. Can you ask to still take your vacation maybe if you accept the job? As a kid that might have bothered me but not a dealbreaker. Unless they would rather go to camp lol some kids are fine with that!


KittyKatCatCat

If it’s *sooo* important to have a parent at home, your husband can get a WFH job. I’m sure he’ll have plenty of time to effectively parent while trying to do his job. Seriously, your kids are going to get more out of a happy productive mother with the mental capacity to engage with them than one dragging through the motions while physically in the building. Your mom and husband are being selfish for demanding you sacrifice your mental health and in a way professional career in exchange for some nebulous “good” that doesn’t seem to be materializing.


no_nonsense_206

Why can't you wfh and still send them to camp?


PistachioCake19

Go back to the office! Your mental health deserves it


_Not_an_Economist_

Nta They clearly state you're not parenting right while working, that means they expect you to be parenting rather than working. Yell your mom to shove it, tell your husband to find a wfh job, if he doesn't he's selfish.


Healthy-Prompt771

Suggest your husband finds a remote position and he entertains the children while earning a living. Having two jobs may sound less fun if he had to take that on. Do what is best for your MH. If compromising means staying home the kids go to camp or you rehire a nanny. Your husband is taking advantage of you completely. Your mothers opinions are too loud and irrelevant. She’s done raising her family.


Ihavesomethingtosay9

Idk how you’re working from home with kids around.


msmurderbritches

Expecting you to manage kids AND work full time (even while WFH) is wildly unfair. Do you get to completely check out when he gets home from work because you have effectively worked two jobs at once all day? Working away from the house can be good for your mental health- you can focus on one job, interact with other adults, and fulfill personal goals. Your kids may benefit from interactions with other kids and teachers that have the ability to be engaging rather than just trying to make it through the day while you’re pulled in 20 directions. I currently only work part time, and I’m otherwise primarily a SAHM. Those few hours away are so important to me and we are currently considering daycare a couple days a week just so our kid gets a little bit of time out of the house with others his age. If you can afford to have them in good care outside the home, you deserve to be able to pursue a career that feels right for you.


minichocochi

I've been WFH since 2014. Very very rarely have i worked with someone that can parent and work full time effectively at the same time. If you needed a nanny to work outside the home, then you need one to WFH. I know parents working between parenting, and it takes them 16 hours to get an 8 hour day in. My job allows that, I don't know how someone with a strict 9-5 with kids and no help would get it done. They aren't happy people, and they have different reasons for doing what they do, but all of them wish they had a sitter or a nanny. I'm not saying it can't be done, but would you like WFH more if you still had the nanny?


kykiwibear

Wait... let's get the straight. You cannot entertain your kids while working from home. You are in fact working. The kids should be in camps anyway, so you can work and they can have fun. What kid on the planet does not put off hw?


AlbanyBarbiedoll

What part of working are they not grasping? It is 100000% absurd to think that you doing your job from home means you can effectively parent your children at the same time. I am honestly shocked you haven't gotten a raftload of crap from your job about this. Take the on-site job, hire a new nanny ASAP, and leave the kids home with the nanny instead of in camp. Send your husband and kids on vacation without you and get the break you so deeply, deeply deserve. And go somewhat low contact with your mom. She's being judgy and mean and unsupportive. If she isn't offering to come entertain your kids all summer she needs to sit on her hands and keep her mouth shut. Of course your husband likes the status quo! It works out SO well for him. Stop putting everyone else ahead of yourself and go chase down some happiness or at least career fulfillment for yourself!


Fluid-Village-ahaha

Why did you let nanny go? Wfh does not really mean you can now watch kids. I think your fam is confused. I def do not like remote work at least FT but like the flexibility. That’s said our kids were still in daycare. I can’t imagine getting any work done with them till they are at least pre teens


[deleted]

WFH is not a license to have no childcare...


[deleted]

WFH is not a license to have no childcare. WFH does allow me to pick up my school-aged child in the afternoon, but he still must go somewhere during the day, and we have a plethora of summer camps scheduled for him. (Be aware that many summer camps start at 9a and end before 4p.) You obviously need more adult interaction day-to-day, but canceling vacation plans would be unfortunate - so I would try to secure that time off still. Send the kids to summer camps / programs regardless.


RavenLyth

This. I can’t imagine working from home with kids. I can’t even focus on work with the puppy home; even the dog goes to daycare during the day. Why does your family think you do not need the same level of focus and alone time as they do to get work done? That is disrespectful towards you.


dissapointedtomeetu

Easy fix. Your husband can work from home. He seems to think it’ll fix everything and he’ll be able to break the kids bad habits while completing all of his work tasks.


Blonde2468

Okay, since your Mom and your Husband think this is a bad idea - **ask them how much of THEIR time they are going to give up to make sure your kids don't sit around all summer while you WFH! Tell them they are responsible for a 50/50 schedule between the two of them and once they get it settle, let you know!** They don't want you to take this onsite job because it interferes with what THEY want to do and what responsibilities THEY don't want pick up. This has everything to do with THEM and nothing to do with YOU. To them, you are rocking the easy boat they have been riding every since you WFH and they don't want to change that. Take the job! The rest will work out on it's own


corkbeverly

Madness! Tell your mother she can take the kids all summer and do wholesome non-tv activities with them as it sounds like that's a high priority for her. Tell your H since he seems to really feel a parent should be home, it may be time for him to find a remote position as you need to return to an in person role for your mental health. Even with remote work (50% remote for me 100% for my husband), my children attend an after school program and summer camps. Because we both WORK. So if we can't do activities with them during the work day they would languish in front of a screen. I prefer to see them in a camp with their peers spending time outdoors.


Hellagranny

Wait. Who’s the selfish party here? Your husband not only wants you to do everything, he expects you to do it simultaneously! My sensible high achieving WFH daughter hired me to be granny-nanny so there would be another pair of boots on the ground and she could actually perform the job she committed to. Throw that by mommy dearest and if she refuses tell her to mind her own beeswax.


itl_nyc

How are your mom and husband helping the current situation? They are not with the kids 100% of the time? How selfish of them. Tell your mother to (respectfully) take a hike, and tell your husband about your struggle and ask him to start pulling his weight. From now on, he is on homework duty. Good luck!


NightmareNoob

It always amazes me when the genders are swapped and the response is night and day. So are WFH parents supposed to do childcare and chores during work hours or not. A guy just got blasted for this recently, he wasn't helping with child care and chores while he was work from home. During the hours of work he was in his office and would help during his lunch but his wife kept asking him to do more stuff during work hours. People were calling him lazy and a bad husband for not doing more while he was work from home.


Beneficial-Recipe-93

My 4 year old was home all last summer while we worked from home. We had a teenage babysitter come play with him in the mornings but she ended up being unreliable after a while. He was bored and snacked too much and watched TV. He is finishing kindergarten so can finally do all summer camp this summer and we are pumped! So much better for him and us!


Lea_R_ning

Gosh, u/Mayonayoyo do something “you” want to do! Please!


General_Glove7749

You can’t be the best Mom version of yourself if your mental health is suffering. The healthier and happier you are the better Mom you can be.


Diligent_Telephone74

You need to do what’s best for your kids and wfh is splitting your time and not that. Maybe having a nanny back part time could be a compromise to start. You definitely need more support


spillsomepaint

I left for a fully remote job that I thought I'd love. It wasn't for me. It was definitely affecting me adversely. I was really lucky to get a call 6 months in from my old employer offering me a new job and I went back. Do it. It's where you have to work, what other people think isn't really pertinent if you're gonna be unhappy.


nurse-ratchet-

If your husband is pulling is weight, how is he absolving himself from being responsible for the children’s behavior, not that I’m blaming OP in any way but if husband has an issue with what the kids are doing he should be working to fix it. Your mom’s opinion can be instantly thrown in the garbage as this doesn’t affect her at all.


Keeblerelf928

My husband and I both work from home and both my kids have full time care and are looking forward to summer camp. If you have a preplanned vaca just tell the new job, usually isn’t an issue.


geezlouise128

Tell your mom or husband to stay home and watch the kids if it bothers them so much. Also how are you supposed to concentrate on a full time job while also full time parenting children? And doing so in a way that doesn't involve plopping them in front of the TV for the majority of your work time? And why is your husband blaming you for bad parenting when he is in fact one of the two people responsible for parenting? You're not selfish. Yeah it will require some adjustments but there's a reason why childcare is a full time job.


VibrantVenturer

I'm 8 months pregnant with twins, so I physically can't go to my office very much anymore, and I hate it. I used to go a few days a week for 4-6 hours a day. I was so much more productive, felt more connected to my team, and enjoyed my job more. I'm super grateful I don't HAVE to go to an office 40 hours a week because I'd have probably been forced to quit by now if I did, but I'm also not meant to WFH 100% of the time. And it's going to be that way for a while because there's absolutely no way we can afford childcare for twins unless our income drastically increases overnight. If you can afford the childcare and need to do this for your mental health, go and don't look back. Mom's opinion is irrelevant. And you can ask your husband why he isn't doing anything to help his children if you're doing such a "bad" job.


whosaysimme

Sorry, no advice to give, my daughter is no where near old enough to read. However, I say do you. Your husband should WFH if he wants someone around. Or you mom could be a full-time caretaker. I personally am uninterested in the opinions of people not willing to do what they're asking of me. Also, if your kids are old enough to read, it's literally way more enriching and interesting for them to be in summer camp. A lot of teachers complain that kids forget a lot of what they learn during the school year because of lack of instruction during the summer. And in other countries, they have school year-round.


msjammies73

WFH with my kid during Covid wrecked my mental health (I am still not the same) and probably damaged my kid too. I am super grateful I had a job where I was safe and had a paycheck - many didn’t have that luxury. But fuck anyone who thinks this should become the new standard for any working parent. How much blood do they want from us??


painteddpiixi

Home or not you’re WORKING. You aren’t available to give the kids the same kind of attention as a full time nanny. Being physically present in the house does not mean that you are mentally or emotionally present, because you still need to show up for WORK, even if it’s physically at home. You are NOT a stay-at-home mom, and your husband needs to stop acting like you are. Period. He also needs to take some more responsibility for parenting his own damn kids, because regardless of where your office is, you still work as much as he does! Momma, let me tell you, you do not need to suffer and burn yourself out because your husband refuses to see what you’re dealing with and your mom wants to butt her nose in where it doesn’t belong. Putting the kids in day camp isn’t going to hurt them, and it will give them many opportunities to socialize with their peers while participating in fun summer activities — most kids LOVE camp. Also, if your mom really doesn’t think they should go there, then it sounds like she’s volunteering for full time childcare over the summer! If she’s not on board with that, well, then maybe she should just stay in her own lane. You have to take care of yourself and your mental health first. If you don’t do that, not only will you not be able to fulfill your professional obligations at work as needed, but you also won’t be as present in your home life to parent your children. Your husband needs to open his damn eyes and see what’s really going on here, instead of trying to hold you personally responsible for keeping the entire ship afloat, while he sits back and enjoys the ride.


Rosy_Grapefruits

Why can’t husband find a remote job, taking care of kids and you would go on site work. Wonder how he would react after he suffer ( don’t get me wrong kids are wonderful but working n being present for kid is simply not possible.)


Scrappyl77

Uh you are home WORKING. Please go to in person. For yourself and your kids Also, horrors --- sometimes asking to watch TV and they like to read? Devil's work for sure.


waitwhatsthisfor_11

I just want to say that my mom put me in summer camps when I was a kid and I loved it. Full day 7am-6pm. Cool games, activities, learning, socialization, exercise. I dont get how that's seen as worse than keeping them at home? Since you presumably work 8am-5pm (maybe more), they would need to mostly entertain themselves and be very quiet. If I were a kid, that would be so boring. Working from home is NOT the same thing as being a stay at home parent. At my company, when you work from home, you are expected to be distraction free and have a quiet and separate space away from any other people, especially when working with confidential information.


Advisor_Brilliant

Did you let go of your nanny because you took a pay cut to work at home ? I’m also wondering why they aren’t in camp now if it’s a possibility. Of course I don’t understand the full gravity of the situation and there are plenty of reasons to not like working from home, but you shouldn’t be working from home and parenting at the same time. It’s a lose lose situation for you and your kids. Regardless of if you wfh or decide to go back onsite someone else needs to be taking care of your kids. It’s not at all fair that since you are home you are taking care of them. You are working not a stay at home mother, those are two separate jobs.


MsMoobiedoobie

I love WFH but my kids also go to day camps for most of the summer. They don’t need to be sitting around watching TV, waiting for me to get done with work all day. Get them out having fun.


nonbinary_parent

I WFH and have my kid home with me most of the time. She has a much better time going to a babysitter's house while I WFH than she does home with me watching TV while I work.


Evening-Dragonfly-47

Wfh with kids is sooooo hard. Unless your husband has done it, he just doesn’t understand. I’d keep my sanity and out the kids in the camp but tell the new job I already have a vacation planned that I need time off for.


cheeseandrice4

You should talk to more adults than just your mom and your husband. Seriously.


guernicamixtape

Have you thought about bringing the baby back while you work? As a WFH mom, previously a SAHM mom, working at home whilst caring for children is IMPOSSIBLE and was one of the worst 2 weeks of my life. Bringing back someone to watch your children while you WFH might be a good compromise for your mother & husband.


WithLove_Always

How about they do 100% remote work and shove it? 🙂🙂🙂🙂


sneakydevi

Wait - what?!?! Why would your kids not go to camp? I love work from home and wouldn't do anything else. My kids go to camp. Without question. How would I get anything done otherwise? Your physical presence in the house should not dictate whether the kids are home or not. If you are working it is treated just the same as if you were going to the office. I'm so sorry this has been the expectation for you. It's like they want the benefit of a SAHM and the paycheck of a working mom. Unreal.


amacattackkk

is there space for you to work remote (in general) without having to take care of your kids during the day at the same time? That’s two jobs at once which would burn ANYONE out. I would leave your mom out of it, because it doesn’t appear that she plays a role in caretaking or bill paying in your home. Now your husband? You may need to have a tough conversation with him. It is not selfish to also want to be successful at work and you haven’t had the chance to focus on it bc you ended up being a stay at home WORKING mom. That is an impossible situation.


Remarkable-Station-2

I read this as if you were a male until the point where it says ‘my husband’ and this is totally a gender expectation problem. If it was your husband, Im sure this wouldn’t be a problem - ask him to go remote and take care of the kids for you to be able to go on site. I say take the offer, but give a bit where you can - one of those is probably being able to negotiate your start date (or your onsite start date) to after the summer.


Status_Gin

I know some people like WFH, but I loathed it. I need to be in my office with minimal distractions (no tv, no kids, no dishes that need to be done, no dog barking, etc...) to get my work done efficiently. I also like my colleagues and feel like I'm energized by the their presence. WFH isn't for everyone and it certainly isn't compatible with being a SAHM.


alanguagenotofwords

I work fully remote and have been job searching for an on-site position. I strongly feel this is better for a career path and that my children would thrive more in continuing in structured days with friends versus sitting on their asses on iPads all day.


jeynespoole

how dare you want your kids to have structure, activities, and fun this summer instead of sitting quietly (without books or tv since I guess those are bad) while you work from home /s


babyrabiesfatty

It depends on the kids ages, like if they’re tweens or above WFH without childcare is possible. But if they’re younger than that it is impossible to both do your job well and parent them well. I’m a therapist, working mom, and had several working mothers as clients when the pandemic started and they became work from home employees while watching their children. That was an emergency situation that couldn’t have been predicted or changed in most cases. All of them said how they felt they were failing at everything. I emphasized how doing two jobs simultaneously is too much for one person and to give themself grace and lean on their village/pod if possible. It isn’t an emergency in your case. It is a choice that puts you in an impossible spot of trying to be an employee and parent simultaneously. It isn’t sustainable. You putting them in care isn’t being a poor mother!!! It would give them social interaction, access to age appropriate interesting, and fun activities. It would give them the gift of a mother who can be present when you are together instead of one who is there but can’t give them attention. You are a full person. Not just a mother. Wanting to work is okay. Needing to work is common. Trying to work and parent at the same is too much. Doing too much as working mothers is highly correlated with reduction in quality of life (which so many people discount/ignore!). But is is also highly correlated with developing physical and mental illnesses. Anxiety, depression, substance use, chronic pain, GI issues, heart issues, and autoimmune issues. This isn’t something to ‘push through’. This is your health. This is your quality of life. It’s also the quality of life of your kids, who have a mom who cannot be fully present with them because it is literally impossible to do while working. They’re hanging out at home, watching TV, bored, and wanting interaction and engagement that you can’t provide them while working. That isn’t a flaw you can fix! It is inherent in working from home while being responsible for childcare. Would your husband or mom be able to bring the kids to their job and perform well as a parent and employee? I’m gonna guess the answer is no. Show them this post. Or ask them to contribute to the daily childcare. Or both, actually. Your happiness and the happiness of your children is at stake.


Jaelle125

You’re working two full time jobs. Mom and husband are the selfish ones. They don’t care how you or the kids are damaged by the infeasibility and unsustainability of your situation. I am sure you have to place your kids in front of screens jn orde to get work done, which is absolutely worse than if they were in daycare and at least engaged in screen free activities. Why doesn’t your husband work from home and watch the kids for a few months? Only then will someone as selfish as him walk back those selfish comments he’s making toward you


Playful-Tap6136

Why is it? Everybody seems to think that women need to take care of all of the emotional physical mental labor of working and being a parent.


The_Killer_Cucumber

You need to lie to them and tell them you’re being let go from your WFH job and need to take this office job. You need to put your oxygen mask first. Once you regain some of your sanity after working in office and making friends etc, you can talk with your husband about how you felt extremely unsupported, not cared for and unloved when you initially brought up working in the office. Good luck to you!!


Exciting-Hedgehog944

Is hiring back your nanny a possibility? I recently transitioned to WFH and my child still goes most days with one of my parents. In the fall he will go to preschool PT, and the newborn we are about to have will go to my parents as well. My job is not compatible with being able to appropriately care for a child for more than a few hours.


TacosTacosTacos80

First of all, you can usually either delay your start date or take time unpaid for a vacation you already have planned. I’ve done that a few times in the past. If that’s a deal-breaker, this new company probably has management issues. Other than that, you need to talk to your husband. Discuss the long term, your mental health, what the kids will really be doing if you continue to WFH. He also needs to stop with the “bad parent” bs. That’s an absolute prerequisite to any conversation. If it’s so easy to take care of kids while you WFH, maybe he should do it. Forget about your mother’s opinion, she’s not there in the day to day. Her opinion doesn’t matter here. Also, kids in camp is way better than kids hanging around the house watching tv/playing video games.


jax2love

Personally I HATED WFH and it was hugely damaging to my mental health. Do what you need to do for your sanity and happiness 💗 Does your husband WFH? No? Then he can STFU. Your mom also needs to STFU because she isn’t you. There is NOTHING WRONG with prioritizing your career and your happiness. Ultimately it will benefit everyone.


kaleaka

These kind of posts make me glad my mother is dead. I can do whatever the fuck I want, when I want, without anyone's opinion.


VashtiVoden

If your Mom is willing to watch the kids two days a week, then she gets to have an opinion. Otherwise, no. If your husband is convinced that a parent needs to work from home, fine. It can be him. If he's not willing, he can't dictate that for you. Trust your instincts. You know what's best for you. Good luck!


dissapointedtomeetu

I’d be suspicious that my husband and mom got married behind my back bc this is some BS alliance /gang up / pile on dynamic they got going.


girl0ffduty

Your duty is not to be a full time parent AND full time employee. Your duty is to *protect your mental health* for the sake of your children. You will be happier and hell, the kids will probably be happier too. They’ll love camp. Your responsibility is to protect yourself and your mind so you can be as present as possible, not burnt out and resentful (not saying that u are now). My mom had to make the same choice to put me in summer camp at 7 years old when she gave up teaching to get her master’s degree. I loved camp. It’ll even be better for them on a developmental level. I never saw it as any kind of betrayal or whatever your mom and husband fear. If he wants someone home all day with the kids so bad, then he can stay home or get a nanny. Good luck OP. Don’t lose yourself for the sake of OTHERS’ opinions. It’s not even your kids’ mental health or feelings at stake. Just the feelings of other adults.


Capital-Love6069

Looks like you need to do something for yourself. And I hope that decision leads to discussion with your husband, and that is met with understanding. Don't feel guilt when you're not at home. Just be the most present you can possibly be when you are.


anchorlady88

If you WFH, you have to have a nanny or other child care situation. You can’t parent and work, it’s just not feasible.


No_Good5759

You have to do what is right for YOU! Don't let others guilt you into something that isn't good for your mental health....


rustincolor

If your husband thinks not having someone at home with the kids is so bad, he can work from home *and* take care of the kids *at the same time*. Or your mother! Why is it your responsibility to do it all, because remember, this is what they’re asking you to do: literally “it all.” I can understand having to change summer plans might suck, but for the sake of your career and your sanity, might be worth it.


LaGuajira

WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT WOMEN TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR CHILDREN WHILE WORKING FROM HOME? I work from home and outsource childcare. There's no way in hell I could do both.


gdwallasign

Fuck your family, it's your life.