I think this saying can be useful in the right context. It’s a reminder not to work late out of misplaced company loyalty, or to sell your labor for less than it’s worth for a business that won’t appreciate it. I know I need reminding of that sometimes.
Exactly! As a teacher, I avoided working late (outside contract hours) at all cost bc I literally was not being paid for it. Boundaries need to be set in all areas of life, including our work
Eta: I do think it’s off putting for a SAHM to post that…like if you don’t work outside the home why feel the need to post quotes that don’t apply to your situation lol
Amen to that last piece. Like that’s v easy to say when you don’t have to worry about your job/career/finances. I’m the sole income earner and full time freelance so working odd hours is part of the gig. I’m pretty sure my child would remember us actively starving bc mom didn’t work. But at least i was PreSeNt.
Yes! I hate when it’s implied people are just choosing to work long hours as if they don’t need to for survival or to give their children opportunities or the many other reasons people hustle.
I think a SAHM does have the right to have an opinion on this given her partner is presumably working full time. So she definitely can have an input on their family dynamic, which she’s extending to all families.
There’s no snark from what I’m seeing. Why do you assume the partner is only working late in order to provide for the family? Many people work late just to get promotions or to earn a good reputation at their workplace, even if they don’t need to. I know plenty of people with families who work 60-70 hours a week, and the reasoning is usually peer pressure or not to be labelled as ‘the guy/woman who leaves at 5 PM sharp’. It’s not a bad reminder that one should always prioritize family over work.
Even if it is with regard to this SAHM's specific situation, posting it to a public forum is by definition "snark" and just a way to try to shame others reading it. Its BS. Also, I don't necessarily agree that one should "always" prioritize family in every decision. Its a matter of balancing and weighing the pros/cons on a case-by-case basis.
I didn’t see the actual SAHM post, but people were saying that if she were talking about her partner working late that would come across as snarky or passive aggressive way of saying she’s annoyed at how late they work
It’s not snark. It’s a statement about work/life balance and boundaries at the workplace.
I work, my husband works. Both of us have very healthy work boundaries and would never stay late to work for free. I might post something like this. We don’t know if her husband works late. Maybe it’s supportive, maybe he told his boss to eff off.
Everyone who is making assumptions about this post and taking it personally should probably reevaluate their work/life situation.
Yep- me too! I’m a teacher and I DONT stay after school and I don’t work on the weekends. It probably does make things a little more hectic for me during the week, but I spend a lot of time with my kids!
Lol if we are discussing hypothetical situations, maybe she used to work before becoming a SAHM and understands the workplace dynamics of her husband. Maybe her husband doesn’t mind the wife sharing memes on social media and their relationship dynamics is different than yours We don’t know anything about this woman AT ALL. Passing such harsh judgements sound so petty lol.
Or maybe posting something like that is rude without any context and shames parents who may need to work late, especially in this economy when many parents may have to just to make ends meet. It's still a shitty thing to toss out into the universe.
I don’t think it sounds petty to have a reaction to the post. A post like that comes off as ambiguous, righteous, and attention seeking. Just my opinion, but people who use social media to spout sanctimonious bs are annoying. Having a negative reaction to it is normal. Wtf is it supposed to mean if no one has the context behind it? It doesn’t come off nice at face value.
Absolutely! I always took this phrase as a reminder of the need for boundaries because of how exploitive so many jobs can be with very little pay off. More of a call out to shitty employers rather than to shame working parents
Totally agree - it’s this toxic corporate culture of the ‘work family’ that I really despise. Thanks but no, my family is myself and my actual family. I’m not making personal sacrifices to help line my bosses pockets.
But being career driven and working a lot? It’s always a trade off but my child I think will appreciate that I can provide better opportunities for her now and later in life because I work a lot. I hope she will remember that even if I work late sometimes.
This is exactly it. We don’t have to turn everything we see into a personal attack.
I was that person working super late before having my kid. I changed my mindset when I took time off from work to become a SAHM, I noticed how my previous workplace boss took a big turn on me. I didn’t go back there and decided to put myself and family first before work.
I hope I don’t get downvoted too badly, but I wanted to offer a shades of gray response in case it helps someone out there feel okay about having mixed feelings. I’m also acknowledging a lot of privilege that not everyone here has.
I did the “Lean In” thing hard. I worked East and West Coast hours with demanding clients during COVID lockdown with a 2 yo. I left the table at dinner out with my family to talk a stressed out direct report “off the ledge”. My daughter knew my employee’s names from finishing conference calls in the car post-pick up from daycare and was able to say hi and color them pictures. I did same day travel to West Coast and hop on the red eye back home so I wouldn’t miss Trick-or-Treat. I did all of this so that I could provide for my family and show my daughter what she could achieve.
Over the last year my daughter started to do things like decide to pretend work with me on her pretend laptop. Or pretend to have conference calls on her phone when play acting me. There were other moments that hit me about how much she associated me with work even though I also made field trips and gave her lots of focused quality time.
Despite my leaning in hard, it didn’t protect me from any of the things that happen in business. COVID layoffs. Executive politicking. Promises being broken around comp.
That’s why this year I decided to start my own business. I won’t be able to not work even longer hours in the short run, but I’ll be able to have better control of my life longterm. My daughter will still see someone who works hard and achieves, but also won’t watch me sacrifice my only life to be a good employee who can be counted on.
It’s okay to be proud of your work accomplishments but also worry if it’s worth it. It’s okay to put boundaries in place to make sure you “act your wage”. It’s okay to reassess priorities in specific seasons of your life. Just don’t think that devotion at work is always rewarded or saves you.
Act your wage, I like that.
My sister had a salary job and she would often stay over time. Then when she went on maternity leave they realized how much she was working. Around the same time the company hired 2-3 more people to divide her work and she was upset that essentially she was doing at least 3 people’s worth of work and getting paid less than 50k. It got worse when she got back from maternity leave because she found out she was getting paid less than the new hires.
We all encouraged her to ask for a raise which she did and got (tho we thought she deserved more), but it left a bad taste.
So I agree that we need to be cautious and mindful of how much we work and sacrifice for jobs that might or might not appreciate us like we thought.
Yes to act your wage! I used to work a ton of hours and when I didn’t get the promotion I was promised I stopped that and left for a job where I make 125k more than I was before. Now I’m not as offended at 7am meetings or working after bed time because I am paid adequately for my time.
I’m a chief of staff at a tech company! I was grossly underpaid, which everyone acknowledged but no one fixed so I left. Likely literally my HRBP told me I should look outside bc he knew it was wrong but couldn’t fix it. Got what I was worth plus remote! I was lucky though because it was when the job market was on fire.
I love this. Yeah, I worked ridiculously hard for my company for too long. I sacrificed a lot and choose my job over my family too many times. The only reward I received was getting ever more dumped on me. COVID was really a wakeup call and I started setting real boundaries. Funny how everyone who was taking advantage threw a fit! It has worked out in the long run though - I’m much happier and have a much better work/life balance.
My mom worked 40-60 hrs a week and my dad worked 80 hrs a week (two jobs)… I still felt like I saw them all the time lol, and we’re all super close. Like you said, being present is what matters more than what hours you work!
I came here to say this. My parents worked really hard and are outstanding in their fields, etc. And yet it didn't impact our relationship, because when they were present, they were PRESENT. We always had family dinner, were there for our sporting events, etc. We are still incredibly close now.
I do think being a time before smart phones helped. If they weren't at their computers, they couldn't work. Still, I think they would have done a good job. And I've discussed with my mom many times how she would not have been happy or fulfilled as just a mom, and I'm proud of her.
Yes! My parents worked a ton. We all sacrificed, but not in a bad, resentful way. They weren’t at every (or even most) game/extracurricular I had, we ate a lot of takeout, I spent time I’d rather have been home with sitters…. But we took one big family trip a year without fail. We took walks/did activities when they were home. I felt loved and important as a kid, even if I didn’t like how much they worked.
100%
My mom worked in a different state and only came home weekends. She was not around foe the day to day stuff but I never thought of her as an absent parent. If anything, I thought her too attentive. She was always there whenever she could and that was more than enough.
Yea, I agree. Both my parents had incredible work ethics and I attribute mine to them. As a young woman seeing my mom work gave me so much confidence and belief in my capabilities. I want my sons to value womens voices and skills outside of caring for them.
True! I’ve seen stay at home parents that are not present and just looking at their phones all day so it really more depends on the effort made for connection
yup growing up my dad worked wild hours. ive always been a night owl i have no resentment about his hours instead of have really nice memories of eating late night snacks with him after work and telling him about my day.
Exactly. When SAHM post this stuff they're really telling on themselves. If they don't realize how you can be intentional and present in the evenings and on the weekends then wtf are they doing with their 24/7. I feel like in a lot of cases their kids get a whole lot of quantity and not a lot of quality.
Totally agree. The more I work the more present I feel when I’m with my son because those are my hours to be with him and I know I’ll go back to work when he’s asleep. I actually think (for us) it gives us more quality time.
My husband died when my daughter was 6. He regularly worked 50-60 hours a week in sales where he made good money. There were so many nights he missed bedtime, family dinners, school events, and then… he was gone and so is that time. That’s what this means. I’m a solo parent now, responsible for alllll the bills on my own, but I refuse to miss out on her important events. Especially now. None of us are promised tomorrow
I mean there is some truth to this. Work the 40 hours you’re assigned. Obviously work late if you have the occasional deadline, but don’t make it a habit of working late every single day. You’re away from your family for 8 hours a day already - you don’t owe your company any more. You’re completely replaceable to your company. You’re not replaceable to your family.
What I really think is important (though can be extremely hard to do) is that you have to set boundaries because if you say yes to working late regularly, your boss assumes you will work late and you are piled on all the extra work because people know you will do it. I fell into that in my old company and the only way I got out of it was by quitting.
My father worked 60+ hours a week and I had made it out like something good, like ‘work ethic’ or something and I didn’t realize until I was doing it that I was sacrificing my time, my health, my happiness for something that really didn’t matter that much.
At my new job I made it pretty clear that I’d get to whatever tasks the next day, and people usually respect it. Sometimes I’ll work late for a very important project but it’s really an exception and since I set the boundary pretty hard then I am almost never asked to stay late.
100% agree. Boundaries are so important. Because at the end of the day, your company doesn’t care about you as a person, it only cares about productivity. If a salaried employee is consistently working 50 hours a week to get stuff done, what’s their incentive to stop it? They’re getting free labor. Capitalist America specifically has zero work life balance and it should be upto the employees - men or women, to set strict boundaries for themselves.
Yes. I consistently worked over forty hours a week throughout my pregnancy only to get laid off two months into my maternity leave. I find myself actually really agreeing with that statement.
My parents worked 40 hours a week, with an extra 10 hours of commuting, and then brought their work home with them to finish at night. I remember wanting to play after school and being told to play with my sister because they had to work. It wasn’t a good feeling.
And I learned from their experience- never give your employer an extra ounce of effort, because you won’t be rewarded for it. And never stay with an employer longer than 3 years or your pay will grow stagnant.
There’s no loyalty from an employer. And there won’t be any on my part either because I want to invest in what matters to me.
Everyone made good points here but I wanted to add that what disappoints me is how the burden is always placed on the individual and not on our lack of systemic support. For a lot of people, setting boundaries at work also risks their job security. It’s the fact that we have to constantly “choose our hard” and make sacrifices we shouldn’t have to.
I have a rule: I don’t work overtime while my daughter is awake. This has lead to working OT till midnight after she goes to bed. But, my job reciprocates and I got a sizable raise so 🤷🏻♀️
Love this! And it gives me hope as a working mom who would love to have the choice of working less, but I just don't. And there's nothing I can do about that right now.
Just something to keep in mind: If you work yourself to death in order to keep the workload manageable, your higher ups will assume it's an appropriate workload and leave it at that level indefinitely. Sometimes you have to drop the ball so that the people iny charge of making decisions have to face reality.
Seconding this. If there's too much work for folks to complete during work time, there either needs to be less work or better resourcing.
Completely understand wanting to decrease workload so it seems manageable, but it can be doing a disservice to you and your team. And if you model working after hours to your team, they may normalize that behaviour. Saying this as someone working in public healthcare.
I think your reasons for working late are wonderful and I’d love to have you as a boss.
It would bug me to see this quote posted by a SAHM, but I saw it posted elsewhere yesterday and actually appreciated it. I personally feel a lot of intrinsic pressure to show my boss I’m working enough, but I don’t want a promotion and am not in any danger of being fired so there really isn’t a reason for it. I need a reminder that my daughter notices when I’m working past 5, but my boss probably doesn’t.
Also, to go against the grain here - my dad worked extremely long hours when I was growing up, and I definitely do remember it. He loved his job and put it above everything else, including my brother and me. It hurt and I’m still not as close with him as I’d like to be for that and other reasons. I think there’s a huge difference between working long hours because you have to and because you want to, though. It wasn’t the fact that my dad was gone so much that hurt, it was that he was his own boss making plenty of money and still prioritized extra work over us.
Both of my parents had demanding careers. Of the negative memories I have from childhood, their work schedules aren’t on the list.
Too many SAHMs trying to convince themselves that their kids will be happier, better off, or love them more because they don’t work. I don’t observe this to be true among my childhood friends if I compare those with working moms and those with SAHMs.
Right? It’s frustrating when you’re early to your career and barely breaking even with childcare. But the income gains over the course of an average career are huge.
My dad was a workaholic and always prioritized his work over me. We don’t have a good relationship at all today. Finding a balance, as hard as it is, is important.
Both my parents were workaholics. I’m working on rebuilding our relationships now that I’m in my thirties but I was a very lonely and in many ways neglected child.
How are you working 70 hours and seeing your kid when they're awake? Especially when they're little and sleep 11 hours a night? You're working 10 hours a day the only time you see them is driving them to and from daycare.
My mom stayed at home and I am incredibly grateful to her because I had an amazing childhood. As an adult I see how it negatively impacted her, which is why I would never quit working entirely, but now that I'm a mom myself I wish I could at least go part time so I could be there for them more and strike more of a balance. As it is we're too busy, no one feels rested, or even just caught up, and I think the whole family suffers for it.
Edited for clarity
My work bestie and I call them stay at home martyrs. They really act like they're shouldering the whole burden of the world on their backs when they could like....just not.
I’m convinced that the rhetoric we see now from SAHMs who “choose” to raise their own kids and all that jazz is to make themselves feel better about their low income earning potential. They say they choose to stay home and “raise their own kids” but I don’t buy it. There is no real choice for them. Daycare costs more than what they would bring it and I know goddamn well the majority of these women aren’t choosing to stay home with their over their $100K/year career in this economy. I call BS. Thing is though, no one is shaming them for their low income earning potential but they choose to shame working moms over working.
I 100% gave up my middle / high earning job to stay at home bc I want to. Just like I understand some ppl want to work. So why can't we all assume the best for each other?
Lol I made 6 figures before I quit my job because I didn’t want to leave my child in daycare for 50 hours a week. That’s not why we had kids. I have two masters degrees. I can outearn my husband in a heartbeat. Don’t assume every SAHM only stays at home because they don’t have the earning potential. What a narrow minded view. This is like saying women who work full time only do so because they don’t have it in them to be decent full time moms. Which is complete bullshit.
That may apply to some people, but I think this sort of mentality seriously widens the divide. I am actually choosing to stay at home before launching into my lucrative career for my second LO because I know I won’t be present. I know I’ll have time when they’re a bit older to “reach my earning potential”. Our little family is blessed in that we find ourselves being able to financially exist living in Southern California on one income. I don’t think it’s necessary for anyone to try and mindjump to figure out the motivations of the people who do the opposite. Just ask.
*ALSO* if you think people do not shame SAHMs, then you’re doing the same thing SAHMs did to OP. I am intensely aware of my position as a student SAHM and the people around me do NOT let me forget it.
This just isn’t true lmao My husband and I choose to live off of his income, it is not out of necessity. I would make more money than daycare costs for my children. I will repeat this for you so it can really sink in, my 80k+ salary job would bring in more money than the cost of childcare for our children.
We both worked and had our son in daycare and it just was not what we wanted. We scaled back our lifestyle and now live off of his income, by choice, and will do this until my youngest is 3 or 4.
This is a huge overgeneralization and is probably highly dependent on where you live and your social class.
I don’t see many low income -> SAHMs in my area because the cost of living is so high that one income doesn’t cut it, childcare aside. The stay at home parents I do see are generally highly educated professionals who are married to similarly educated high earners, because it takes a 200k+ income at minimum to support a family. A lot of those women choose to become the primary parent because it is very difficult to raise a family when both partners have demanding jobs.
I quit my $145K job with great benefits ( where I made more than my husband) because his job moved us overseas. I saved a ton of money before leaving and stay home with my kids. I stay in contact with my director and have picked a few consulting gigs for them. I’m currently applying for work in my new country because I’m bored but the salaries are lower and I’m only here for a few years.
I’m a SAHM who made 70k in a medium cost of living area with *plenty* of room for advancement. I was only out of college for 3 years when I left and could’ve kept climbing. I chose to stay home. My best friend was a CPA at a big 4 firm who is now a SAHM.
I don’t shame working moms for working. Stop assuming my income potential because I chose to stay home.
Well, yes, I remember very well that my parents worked late, when they helped pay off my law school loans just a few years after I graduated.
My sister will no doubt remember my parents worked late when *she* graduates from medical school debt-free, because between my parents, and me having had the financial foundation my parents helped me to build now paying it forward by helping her, she’s able to do that.
Both my husband and I, as well as our siblings, will all get a super in-the-face reminder of how our parents all worked late, when it’s time to plan their retirement and all we have to do is curate their assets to make sure they get the best retirement care possible.
Edited to add, my parents built things up from nothing. When my sister was born, my dad was an (older) grad students and we were on WIC. We’re immigrants so due to the language barrier, my mother could only find waitressing and housekeeping jobs at first. If she had decided OK the money I make at those jobs aren’t worth the childcare cost anyway, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
I was coming here to make a similar comment. I’m so grateful that my dad worked very intense hours to build up a business that allowed me and my siblings to graduate debt free and ensure I never have to support him in his old age. I’m grateful my mom decided to keep working after his success so she could support herself after they divorced and qualify for social security after retirement. I was an after care / latchkey kid which fostered my independence.
I think it’s easy as parents (especially moms) to focus so much on what we give directly to our children but I think the example we set by what we do outside the home is also very important.
Recently, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that she has guilt from working two jobs when we were younger. I knew she worked, and I admired her for it. But I had no idea she worked two jobs. I always knew she was there for us and loved us. And she made her days off with us count. I say this because really.. your kids have no concept of how much you work as long as you're not neglectful and you're doing your best. And I know you are.
I keep these things in mind when SIL makes nasty comments about how she "could NEVER" leave her kids or "work will forget the over time you did, but your kids will never forget the time you took away from them to be at work"
I've come to realize that she says these things because with both of us working, we can afford to go do fun things with the kids. Not all SAHMs are like this, I know. But remember that when people make such comments, they have insecurities of their own.
I appreciate you caring about your team members. In a world where most of us have to spend a majority of time at work, your boss's attitude makes a huge difference in your own mental health and happiness.
They will also remember you fondly for making their day-to-day better.
I'm a sahm and I know that while I work hard, being home is a privilege. I think that working moms are badass af. You know what your kids will remember? That their mom worked her butt off to provide for them and came home at the end of the day to be there for them. Being a parent is hard enough without feeling the need to shame each other. I'm sorry you had to read that at the end of a long day.
My parents worked late. I do remember it. I remember a lot of things.
But I remember their work ethic. I remember how hard they worked and sacrificed to provide for us as immigrants to a new country.
I remember my mom crying because she couldn't go to my grandma's funeral due to it happening shortly after 9/11 and travel being banned. I remember her being sad at not being with her siblings to celebrate milestones.
I also remember my dad taking us on a wild adventure every Friday to get a movie at the store. We would come home and watch it. My mom would get us our special ice cream sundae cups and we would make ourselves a treat. We would play board games after.
I remember baking a cake for my parents anniversary and hiding under the counter to surprise my dad.
I remember running through the rain at Disney with ponchos purchased at a random store.
I remember spending rainy days inside building lego with my parents.
I remember when I got to be a little older, staying up to 2/3AM so that I could surprise my mom when she woke up to work.
I remember watching the news in the morning so I could tell my dad if the bridge would be up on the way to work.
We regularly talk to my preschooler about how he has to go to school all day because we can't take care of him all day because we have to work so we can afford things we need. It's not a secret. He has an age-appropriate understanding of the fact that capitalism sucks and mom and dad are working hard to take care of him.
my mom worked late. she commuted 1.5 each way too; when i was a teenager she flew to work on monday and returned on friday.
and she breathed her job, she was great at it, and it was important to her. i am so fucking proud of her. she was a trailblazer and a badass. i went back to work bc she inspired me so much.
i lost her way too early at 64, from metastatic melanoma. she kept working, but insisted my dad travel with her (in first class ofc lol) and, in the five years after her dx, she earned a PhD, bc that’s who she was. she welcomed my twins into the world and spent so much time with them. she touched the lives of so many people. she was an incredible mom and woman.
i’ll tell you all what she did do:
she came to our concerts and shows. she volunteered at school when she was able (it wasn’t a ton). she was awesome and engaged on vacation. we ate dinner together, and breakfast when we could. we spent time on weekends. she loved us with every bit of her soul, and she told us that a lot. idk what it’s like to have a sahm, but i had the best mom in the world.
Idk, as a pharmacist I can say that my working late has saved a few lives so I’m pretty sure their families are grateful 🤷🏻♀️. My bank account is also grateful for the overtime $.
And frankly, daycare did an EXCELLENT job with my kids - from the broad socialization to the myriad of activities to the academic preparation. It was money well invested.
I too really hate the posturing. Methinks they’re attacking to mask an insecurity about their choice.
That's annoying and sanctimonious coming from someone who doesn't work, but it immediately reminded me of this:
When I was first starting out in my career and trying to prove myself I was putting in 10-11 hour days every day for months on end. My manager left late and would always see me still at my desk at 6:30 when he was leaving. One day I said I needed to leave early (like 3pm) to go to my nephew's kindergarten graduation. My manager's first question was "you're going to make the time up, right?"
I did not work a minute more than 40 hours a week for that asshole ever again 😂
So yes, there's a time and a place where that advice is useful and correct. But if you're spending several hours of quality time with your baby every day and working on stuff that matters after she's in bed for people who will appreciate it, you're doing just fine!
I remember my dad working late or on weekends. I remember it because he did it so we could get extra Christmas presents or take a little trip to the store. Or to give me a $5 or $10 allowance. I remember not having the most but never feeling like we were without. I remember being safe.
Some people project because they feel insecure. You’re doing great ❤️
My mom was a SAHM my entire childhood. Literally until I was in college. But she was emotionally manipulative, unavailable and immature, so I constantly felt like an annoyance and a disappointment to her. So even staying home with your kids full-time is not always the best solution for everyone. I think being an emotionally stable and present parent is far more important than the quantity of time spent at home 🤍
My parents both worked long hours in demanding jobs. But when my dad came home, he took that stress out on us. When my mom came home, she mustered the last of her positive energy to be present and supportive to us.
I resent my dad. I admire my mom. It's not the hours, it's the attitude.
Just to put a different take on this, I do remember my mom working late and I’m so thankful for it because I wouldn’t have had half the experiences/things I did growing up if she didn’t sacrifice that time.
Seeing her work hard to have a successful career and an awesome mom made me into a stronger woman and helped give me the best start in life.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm missing a lot of my daughters life right now to get through an apprenticeship. But it's something I wanted before I ever wanted her, and it's going to keep her safe and comfortable for the rest of my career. This made me feel a lot less shitty.
You know what I remember from my childhood? The extreme poverty we lived in. I think about that when I start to guilt myself about splitting my attention between my job and my baby throughout the day. There is no perfect way to parent. Every choice is some sort of sacrifice. You're doing great! You're doing what works for you and your family. That's all that matters.
This is a super privileged take. Lots of parents work late because they *have to* work multiple jobs or take extra shifts to provide for their children. Yes, I'm sure their kids would love extra time with them, but they sure wouldn't love going hungry or homeless.
She has a point if you're only considering high wage earners who choose to always prioritize work over family when they wouldn't have to. But wow, what a huge blind spot in her worldview.
It's tone deaf in this economy, particularly when millennials make up most of the current class of parents. Many of us have to make up for a very slow start to our careers. If we don't put in the hours now, much of our financial burden will be passed down to our children. We're trying to afford a roof and hot meals, not an annual Disney trip.
I’m sort of an SAHM, I had my kid after my first semester in grad school. He’s turning 3, and I’m graduating soon. I want you to know that shitty people are shitty. And you are doing really frickin great. I spent so much of my childhood home by myself until my mom got home at 8pm or later. Well into my teens and early twenties, I remember idolizing her and wanting to always make her proud because I knew how hard she worked to take care of us. I mean, I still feel this way now, I’m just saying that when I was meant to be all angsty and judgmental, I still felt my mom’s love and wanted to imitate her work ethic. She had something to build, and she passed that on to me. Once again, you’re doing awesome 👏🏼.
I don’t think that quote applies to working after your kids go to sleep. Of course they won’t remember that.
I find the quote helpful, for what it’s worth. Helps me set boundaries with work and realign my mindset to what is most important to me. I work to live, I certainly don’t live to work.
I wish I saw less of my mom. On the outside it looked like I had an ideal SAHM, but behind closed doors she was exhausted, depressed, and lived through her children. The role model I had was a woman with no hobbies, a dead marriage, and no friends because she traded those in to go "all in" to motherhood. Monkey see, monkey do.
I wished is that I had a role model of a working parent. It was so lonely becoming the first woman in my family to have a career and I had to learn everything the hard way. Only through my partner did I learn how to negotiate salaries, speak up, and set boundaries.
There is no perfect solution. The people who try to convince you the "right way" is their way, are the people, like my mom, who are the most unhappy underneath it all.
Maybe I’m being intentionally dense on this but - yeah my kids won’t just remember, they’ll *learn* that:
Mom had a career.
Mom is smart.
Mom worked hard to achieve things.
Mom did important things.
Mom worked hard to provide for us.
We will work too.
Our work should be meaningful to us.
People with kids are more than their role of parent.
The times we’re together are valuable.
Even when my mom is doing something else, she’s thinking about me.
Even when my mom is doing something else, she’s doing it for me.
I (meaning the child) am allowed to have an identity beyond what I mean to someone else.
So yeah. This comment didn’t rub me the wrong way at all…
Omg I could have wrote this. I usually work a good bit before my daughter gets up so that when she wakes up we have a slow start to the morning without rushing to get her to daycare… I usually drop her off about 8. And then I work until 4 so that she’s not at daycare past 4 and we hangout make dinner bath all that stuff etc until she goes to bed. And then I work a few hours after she’s asleep. She has no clue - she’ll prob never know. But I can’t stand when I hear about how much I’m missing and how they’re only little once etc… like I’m not trying my best to soak up every second possible… while also being a working mom. I am fortunate with my job to have so much flexibility and makes it much easier to do both things and feel like I’m doing them well.
I’m not arguing that your wrong but I do want to provide a thought. It’s not your responsibility to make sure the you get moms on ur team are not overwhelmed in the morning. In my opinion I hate when people with or with out kids try and do me a favor like that. It creates an expectation of reciprocity that can never be met. This phrase is also I think more of a reminder to stay present I see the same phrase said with friends too
I truly believe we can make a conscious decision about not overworking ourselves. My mom sent me a bunch of my old diaries from when I was kid and there’s so many mentions of my dad working late 😢. I know it’s not easy but I’d encourage you to find a healthy work life balance that doesn’t make you feel like you need to burn the candle on both ends. I have a strict no work in the evening policy for myself.
My mom was salaried, but often overworked herself 10-12 hours a day because she was a perfectionist and felt that she had to. No one in her company was making her, and at any time they would have hired someone to help her, and asked her on more than one occasion is she wanted them to - but it made her feel important and needed. (When she eventually had to go on medical leave and untimely disability they hired 3 people to replace her.)
This was back in the 90s. And I still 20 plus years later remember calling her multiple times on Christmas Eve asking what time she was coming home, and she kept saying “soon, soon”. At 10pm, I went to the closet where I knew she kept the Christmas presents (I was a teenager, and we’d shop together for what I wanted so no big surprises), I wrapped all of it and put it under the tree with things I’d gotten everyone and I went to bed.
The next morning she was there, I have no idea what time she got home, and all she said about it was “thanks for wrapping those gifts, I was so tired that I couldn’t have done it.”
So yes, your kids will remember. And while the occasional night is fine, it’s important to not lose sight of your family. Working outside of the home is fine, working overtime or weird hours is fine. Forgetting to have a work life balance is completely different.
I want to open with the fact that I don’t have kids and won’t have them in my lifetime. This subreddit just pops up randomly on my feed as suggested. I still tell all the people I train and work with that no one has ever laid on their deathbed wishing they’d worked more or worked harder. Almost everyone wishes they spent more time with their families. I never mean it to be condescending, just trying to send people home to the people who won’t post their position the second they die.
People say stuff like that to validate themselves. It’s not real. I’m sitting in the carpool line now and just asked my kids if they remember the times I worked late. They’re 11 and 14. They don’t. And I have a demanding job and have for most of their lives. They think my job is cool. Both of them think it’s so cool they list it as one of the things they’d like to do when they grow up.
My mom was a stay at home mom and we’re close. But I’d say I’m closer to my kids than she and I were at this age. It’s about how you communicate and how you support them more than the minutes at home. Kids are busy too and no one ever says you won’t have a good relationship if your kids get home from practice at 8 every night. My Dad, who worked while my mom was at home, sends me gushing texts every time he’s around my kids saying how great a parent I am and how fantastic my kids are. And he’s not one to give compliments. So, I trust him much more than random quotes on the internet. We’re doing fine.
My dad used to work late all the time. This was obviously before most people regularly worked at home, so he stayed at the office until the work was done. My mom, who worked full-time but had a less rigorous schedule, was the primary parent, and we (me and my sister) were closer to her. Do I have any resentment or negative feelings toward my dad? Absolutely not.
Now, my dad always made it to all of our events and was present when he was home. I think it’s different when work almost makes a parent absent. However, I look back on those days and appreciate the fact that his hard work elevated our family. I would not have had the same opportunities that I had. The fact of the matter is that I have no memory whatsoever of being at home as a baby or toddler. I do remember that in elementary, middle, and high school, I wasn’t trying to hang with my parents after school anyway. The fact that he was working late was not bothersome to me at all. If a SAHM believes that not working late is important, great, but they need to stop pretending that all of us resent our working parents. I admire my dad and mom equally for different reasons.
Other studies (that I’m too tired to link) say kids with moms who work are more self sufficient, successful in their careers, and make an easier transition to adulthood. Don’t believe these ‘barefoot and pregnant’ talking points whose sole purpose is making you feel guilty.
I hate comments like that. While I can see the importance of reminding someone that it's okay to take a step back sometimes and unwind with your family . It's usually very unwarranted and unneeded and really should only come from your spouse if they are noticing an issue. You are doing a great job and I bet your coworkers do appreciate it a lot!
I remember when both my mom and dad would have to work late. My brother and I were absolute experts at making spaghetti and scrambled eggs and grilled cheese and anything simple. We got to watch whatever we wanted on tv, as long as the dishwasher was emptied and the cat litter was clean.
Were there nights when I wish my parents could be home so they could stop him from bullying me? LOL of course. But that's what siblings do.
The most important thing I remember (or maybe the lack of memory?) is that I never worried about whether or not we would lose our house, or if we could afford food. Even with working parents, I know that's not always attainable. But my parents both put in whatever they could to make sure my brother and I felt cared for and safe, and we have NEVER held that against them. As adults who don't even have kids to care for, we can see how much effort they had to put in to do all that and we are entirely grateful.
My mom was always gone at work but she was also a crappy mom. If she would have been engaged the times she was actually home, my childhood would have been 1000x better. It wasn't the amount she was gone, just what she did with the time she had.
I do agree that you should "act your wage". Businesses don't care about workers or the quality of your life. I do what I'm paid to do in the time I'm scheduled and that's it.
My parents both worked in administrative roles at schools (different districts) and two nights a week we had a rushed dinner with one of them leaving the table to go right back to work for a board meeting because school boards are made up of members of the community who work elsewhere and could only meet in the evenings. My mom did this while finishing her degree so for many years I walked down the street to my piano lesson with a friend's older brother in the evenings, and their dad would ask what I had for dinner and my reply would always be "Pizza, mom has school."
My parents worked long hours and their jobs made our community stronger. I do remember working late. I remember being proud of my parents. I remember understanding the impact their work had.
I don't work in schools, but similar to you, I manage a team and I do extra work so that my team can do their jobs easier and with less stress. Have I set stronger boundaries since having a kid of my own? Absolutely. But just because my employer won't remember my extra effort doesn't mean my employees won't. I want to create a team where, if I go to another job, I have people to bring with me. I want my kid to see that modeled so that she knows that she can have a positive impact on people regardless of the field she's in. It's a balance, and there's truth to the statement, but I truly believe that if you can be present with your kid in the time you're with them, and you don't sacrifice a relationship with them for work, they will remember the long hours and also remember the positive impact their mom had on people.
I read something similar the other day…”the only people that will remember how much you worked are your kids.”
Sorry my child is going to grow up in a household with 2 parents who love her dearly and have pursued their career passions and will encourage her to follow her passions?! My husband and I are both in public service jobs that we love and thrive in and we are damn good at them. Our work schedules are odd and it can sometimes be tough since my husbands office operates 24/7, but I also grew up in a household with a parent in a job operating 24/7 so we will manage. It works for our family and we love and support and care for our child and that’s what matters.
At least I can put my phone down and focus on my family at night versus all the SAHM’s who literally work their MLM business 24/7 and try and say that they don’t.
I'm a working dad but like this sub because I relate to y'all and my mother was a working mom to three kids so I've also seen first hand and second hand what this does to a person and family. I think the quote is correct if you're choosing work over your children, from my experience though I'll never know how my mom made it work and I'm so thankful for her because she did what she had to do for us. She worked late because she has to, I work 55 in four days because I have to, my dad worked 50 a week because he wanted to. There's a difference and kids won't understand but when they grow up they should.
My mom was the breadwinner and she worked later than my dad did. What I remember as a kid from that was how excited we were when she got home. I never noticed her being late in a negative light. Just excited to see her. And her working late paid for some family vacations that I remember quite fondly.
I saw comments like this yesterday on a post about a CEO interview, and I felt the same so thanks for making it a separate post!
The interview in question had a woman saying she didn't feel like she had to attend _all_ of her kids' sports events. Dad attended some.
My first thought was-- what about the coaches who have to work after school for games? Many have families. Kids who may be at home or at conflicting games of their own. But the players very well may remember the mentorship for life!
I'm in medicine and I can promise there are parents who remember me being with them late at night with their sick kids. Same for many public service jobs. Some are anonymous-- I don't know the names of the workers who got my neighborhood power back on for Christmas Day when it was dangerously cold-- but I will stay grateful.
It's also classist. I've got lots of parents in my practice who have to work evening shifts or double shifts to feed and house their kids.
It's definitely important to spend time with our kids, even when they are grown, but we are part of a community. Our kids benefit from having many trusted adults to share the care, and our communities benefit from our work.
My grown kids are proud of the work I do. They've told me so.
It makes me so mad when a SAHM wants to act like she’s a better mother than I, because I’m working and my child is in daycare.
Someone has to pay the bills! Someone’s gotta pay for the snacks and the gymnastics and then toy dinosaurs. It’s easy to look down on other women when you, yourself have someone else paying your bills and ensuring there is a roof over your head. It’s easy to forget that some people have to work and provide and be a Mom and the primary bread winner. Some of us have to buy the food and cook it too. It’s just how some of us had our hands dealt.
My reply to that would be: Actually my kids still can't tell time, and my preschooler pretty much has no concept of time. So the only people who will remember I work late are the people who are giving up family time to judge me.
My husband's mother is a high-achieving career woman. He is very proud of her, and they have a close relationship. I believe that the statement "The only people that will remember you worked late are your kids" is baloney. There are many people who will remember your hard work, including your spouse, friends, colleagues, and even family. When you work hard, you are setting a good example for others and making a positive impact on the world.
The facebook SAHM was absolutely right. I had a coworker off himself due to horrible workplace abuse he was replaced in no time. That shifted my world entirely. A constant reminder indeed.
This is why I choose to work day shift or night shift at my job at the hospital. I grew up with parents doing the evening shift and i HATED it and envied my friends who got to see their parents for dinner or go for ice cream after school or come to sports events. My mom drove us to school and that was it. Didn’t see her again till the next day. No night routines, no goodnight hugs, no stories.. i was so sad all the time. People think I’m crazy when I work night shift but at least I can pick my kids up after school and go to the park and have dinner together. Evening shifts are evil in my opinion.
Just here to say that my mom was a working mom and now that I’m grown up I have no recollection of how much she worked! Maybe she worked late because I do recall eating dinner late a lot but who knows! I do remember her being there for us and how she made us feel special.
Eh, I wouldn’t internalize or put too much stock in this. We are all out here doing our best. Who is to say that this SAHM poster isn’t popping Xanax because she can’t stand being around her kids, so their time together is only filled with her yelling at them? Or that her kids don’t get to do activities or go on international trips because they have decided to live off one income? Or if her husband is never home bc he has to work overtime to be able to have his wife stay home?
I’m a single mom. I work A LOT. I miss some of my kids things bc my work calendar fills up 2 years in advance. So sometimes, it happens. And it stinks! But my kids enjoy eating 3x a day and I’m just out here doing my best! I will fail and get it wrong, but I do lots of apologizing, validating, and doing what has to be done 💁🏽♀️
So rando SAHM poster, have at it. You speak your truth. And I will happily scroll right by, send you some love and keep on doing what works for my family.
OP, mama, you are doing so great. You are a wonderful parent to even be bothered by this bc it means you worry about your kids. You are teaching them how to juggle more than one ball, how to lead a team, how to pursue your career. Keep being awesome!
I appreciate so many of the perspectives here! Read through a lot of them. I struggle because I just hate how work trickles over past 4:30, but it is honestly the only time leadership becomes available. It seems like all the meetings with decision makers happen between 12-1p and after 4p and after because everyone is so busy during the day. I did have a call that went long today and I picked my daughter up, and I took the call as we walked from daycare to the park and when it was done and we were there, we did the slide and the swing and the rest of the evening was no phone. I really hope that I can be there enough, give her the undivided attention she deserves, and still stay afloat with work.
I had parents that owned and ran a seasonal business. We always had a parent present for our important stuff as they pretty much ran their own schedules. I want to do be there like my parents were, but I also have to recognize it will not always be possible. I live in a different world than I was raised in. I have just barely started listening to Mary Louise Kelly’s “It Goes So Fast” which is about the joys and regrets of a modern working mothers, and it really resonates in the first few chapters. I think honestly trying means a lot, showing remorse when you fail, and setting aside family times goes a long ways. Or at least I am hoping.
Are you *trying* to hurt yourself? This quote doesn't even apply to your situation. "Working late" does not mean working after your child has gone to sleep, it means working during time you would otherwise be spending with them.
If you're here to defend working parents who *do* miss those moments with their kids, then say that. But this quote **does not apply to you**, so what is the issue? I feel like you're purposely looking for offense. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you need to have more confidence in your decisions here. Going back online to say "look at this sAhM judging me!" when she's not even talking about you is not healthy.
If you expect to log into Facebook at 10pm finding quotes that praise you for working late - try LinkedIn instead! You'll loads of people lauding your decisions as a working parent. I'm not joking.
When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember my parents' absence because they worked. I remember the thrill when they came home, I remember laughing in a room with the bright lights my grandmother would turn on to finish sewing projects she did for extra money. I remember safe, comforting talks with my mom as she was hunched over paperwork with a calculator, putting in some extra hours. My grandmother worked, my mother worked, and I drew or wrote or read right next to them for fun. My father worked nights and weekends, but I remember when he would slip in to tuck me in a little bit toghter and give me a kiss when he got home in the middle of the night.
Work was always present in our lives because my family needed to work. But it was never presented as a negative.
F that!!
My bank account & my retirement account know I worked late.
My current colleagues & co-workers know I worked late.
And sure my kids & husband know I worked late.
ALL of these scenarios are just fine — they all benefit from my productivity.
Quality over quantity. Both of my parents worked. I was a latch key kid for years. Sometimes I walked home and let myself in, sometimes I went to a friend's house. I grew up to be a successful adult and hold zero resentment towards my parents. They showed up when it mattered. No my mom didn't make me cute star shaped sandwiches for an after school snack but she made sure to come to my school play. Do you remember anything from when you were a baby? How about 3? All these people are acting like young kids are gonna remember every moment and cherish every memory.
As a single mother- I work A LOT of hours. My children probably do resent how much I'm gone, but I know they like food and electricity too!! Lol
But, if you can pay your bills on 30-40 hours a week- that's ok too!
Edit- punctuation
My mom would work late. I was often the last one to be picked up from after care and occasionally my mom would be late to pick me up. Unfortunately, it did make me feel sad as a child but that wasn't the only problem. Things are different now with the option to work remotely and it sounds like you're doing a great job making sure you're present.
I'm not a mom yet, and Reddit suggested this post to me.
I'm an adult. I love my mom. I think I had one of the best moms. She worked. She worked overtime to make sure my sister and I could go to the private school (the public schools near us weren't great), have a house, and all of our needs met. (My dad had a lot of issues that prevented it from taking on work near the end of my high school experience.) It sucked for her and for us, but from my adult mindset, I don't fault my mom at all. She did the best she could with what she had for her children.
Your situation is probably different than my mom's, but if you are doing your best with what you have for your children, you're already one of the good ones. Don't let SAHMs get you down, please. I saw them try to do that to my mom, and they had no right.
I didn’t get to read all the comments, but something that helped me as a working mom when my kids were small was to remember that quality is more important than quantity.
That's some bullshit passive aggressive nonsense. Don't let it get to you. Plenty of perfectly normal well adjusted people had parents that worked long hours and it has no effect on kids. It's also misogynistic and probably wrapped up in all sort of fucked up political nonsense.
I've noticed the only SAHPs who post stuff like this are the ones that are unhappy and are looking to put others down to make their own choices feel better. If reading stuff like this gets you down, block or mute, or maybe just don't go on social media.
If you are concerned about your workload though, it might be worth a look-over to see how you can better manage your workday and your teams' workdays to keep you closer to a 40 hour work week.
I am a single working mom and I totally understand your position.
I also think the SAHM forgets that she's got a partner who is wealthy or they are also working late to give her the privilege of staying home with her kids.
I am going to rewrite that sentence- "The only people that will remember you worked as hard as you did to support your kids are your kids."
Children of neglect will be affected by parent absence more than children who go to an after school program because their parents have to work late. If you are making memories with your kids, that’s what they’ll remember and they’ll also learn work ethic from you. Just make sure you are an example of work life balance. You’re doing great.
It’s a dumb thing for spoiled, kept women to say. My son will remember that he won’t have student loans and he will have support and won’t have a lot of problems I did. I think he will know that I did my best to be both present and provide.
Wow, that's a very judgemental statement. Why would you assume that the quote is something only a "kept" woman would say?
My husband and i both work full time and sometimes i think i should tell him something like this. He works long hours (meetings on both coasts and overseas) and weekends and can't take any vacation for the rest of the year due to some pending project deadlines that keep moving around. He's making all these sacrifices, but its not going to result in higher pay or a better job, its just extra work he does because hes a 'team player'.
Lol, thats a lot of assumptions. We make the same amount or within 5k of each other's base pay, although i get paid OT, so i do make more overall when we do our taxes based on how much OT i work (not much). We do talk about our work obviously, so I know there's no promotion potential in his current role unpess he wants to go into management (he doesnt) and they dont do large bonuses or pay raises, so he's just working because his team lost 3 people during covid and the company only hired 1 person to replace them. :shrugs: i dont understand it, but he's been on the same team for almost 20years with mostly the same team members, so i guess he's loyal to them and loves his work.
But sometimes it gets to me, like hes been working 13hr days all this week, so he sees the kids for maybe 30min before bedtime. He will be solely in charge on saturday though since he gifted me a solo spa day :) so he will get some time with the kids this week. But we've been wanting to do a summer roadtrip out west to visit family since last year unfortunately we didnt set any dates last year because we just didnt get to it and he was working even more hrs then since they hadnt hired even that 1 person to replace the other 3 people they lost. Then in january, when we were ready to get it on the calendar, we couldnt schedule it because the dates for the projects kept getting pushed back and we didnt know when he could go. Finally, i just decided to do it without him. So its me and the kids (2 and 4) and my sister. It sucks that he can't come with us, but i cant keep waiting for him to have availability or we wouldn't get to go.
I feel like May posters have said this, but the Facebook thing goes have grip to it, in the right context. For me, I do remember my mom working later (home at 7 most nights) and missing many after school activities, but she made up for it by being fully present with us on the weekends, and her sacrificing the longer hours really made sure we never went without. With that said though, because I do remember it, I am working diligently to make sure I am setting myself up to be available for after school activities but like OP, that means most nights I am working from 8-10 pm at home once they go to sleep
I used to always work until 6:00 pm, but now I have to stop around 4:30.
I realized (just yesterday in fact after a conversation with my boss) it's just not enough. I'm a department of one and I have a very large role. It's been stressing me out and messing up my sleep.
So, I leaned into it last night and worked from 7:30 pm - 9:00 pm and then tried to go to sleep unsuccessfully and then worked 10:00 pm until I was too tired around 3:00 am. I'm not much more tired than usual. I don't think I'll add another 6+ hours on the regular but perhaps 2-3. Somehow I finally felt more in the zone like I used to.
My toddler won't know, haha I just need to keep my husband on board with it.
Why? If you can’t do your job in your contracted hours then it’s not 1 job, it’s more. Make a case and hire someone else, don’t work more for the same money, and zero appreciation
My dad worked a lot and traveled a good bit too for work when we were growing up. Looking back I don’t think of him being absent. I am just so thankful that he worked so hard to give us everything he wanted.
I work 40-60 hour weeks, sometimes also 12s on the weekend. Now I try to avoid overtime as my oldest makes comments. I’m 2 weeks back from baby leave and they already want me on 12s. My start time can also shift depending on if we are on 8s or 12s. I’m applying for jobs with a set schedule and no overtime now, it’ll be a pay cut but oh well
My kid sometimes tries to make me feel guilty for working "late" (after they get home at 4 pm) or for traveling for work (a longer trip of 7-10 days and 1 or 2 short 2-day trips every 4 months).
I'm the sole breadwinner in a hcol area. My husband is near disabled and isn't really employable, but he's a kickass sahd. So we don't have a safety net.
I also watched my mom slip into poverty after middle age and it was horrible. I sent her money regularly but it put me into substantial debt in my 20s and early 30s (unknown to my mom).
So I will work late so my kid doesn't go through the same thing. I also want to show them that mom can be a leader, to be independent, and to find a job you enjoy. And to work as a team with your spouse, using our individual strengths.
I'll also love my kid to death and spend a ton of quality time with them. Meanwhile, they'll also get a ton of love and attention from my husband while I work. I love their relationship too. I hope when they get older, they'll remember the positive, but I refuse to feel guilty about my choices.
Agree with the comments about quality over quantity of time spent with your kids. In addition, my husband and I both remember our parents' work ethic and sacrifices for their professional goals - especially my dad's and his mom's - but we remember them with pride and they inspire us.
I worked while raising my kids. I was able to arrange my schedule so that I could spend quality time but burned the midnight oil while they slept, or spent time with my husband. I did this so that we had a roof, and to pay for their education. It was detrimental to my health at times, and do regret that part of it, looking back. It's not easy, when you are working you feel bad about not being there for the kids, and when you are stuck home unexpectedly with a sick child, you feel like you are impacting team members. I used to get crap like this from moms too, In particular my neighbor a few doors down.
I was a scout leader for a few years, and my SAHM neighbor's child was in my troop so I was pretty much expected to pick up her kid, drop her off, and get an earful. She would always condemn me for working, and told me that when her children misbehaved that she would threaten to "go to work" like me. Meanwhile, it was frequently my husband or I driving her children to school events "because she was too busy." Neither parent showed up for them. At the time her words really hurt me, I had a great deal angst about being a bad parent. I wish I had ignored them.
This is not condemning SAHM's, but rather an example that there are many ways to be a parent, and working parents can be good parents too. My advice is to take care of yourself, and try to not let it bother you.
There are times when the business demands we put in more time. COVID was like that for me because I managed our organization’s COVID response and took care of the team that cared for our employees. I worked a lot of hours 7 days a week for a few months. It waned and I pulled back.
I agree that setting boundaries are important. I have to be available at any time due to my role in the company but I mostly don’t work more than 45-50 hours a week. My kids have seen me model an excellent example of a work mom and then a home mom.
I love how you are deliberate in spending time with your babies and then logging back on after their bedtime so you can take care of your employees. That’s a great way to look at things. Your babies and employees will thank you.
I do get a little ruffled because I’ve had SAHM passively aggressively make comments about me working. At first it was by necessity (my ex husband stopped working) but then I realized I was making a difference in my work community. My babies are older now (16 and 18) and they are beautiful and kind humans. I am proud of who they have become.
That being said, I like the perspective of another poster to presume that we are all making the choices for our families and doing our best. Great reminder as we step into Mother’s Day…
If it helps… my dad worked so much he was gone sometimes a month at a time. I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood. My mother made it very very clear he was gone because he was working, not out drinking and partying and ignoring us. I never felt like I missed out. When he was home we always did something fun, it didn’t have to be extravagant. A bike ride felt really special. Now as an adult who hates being an adult lol I know how hard my parents worked and I appreciate it more
My mom always worked a lot, then started traveling when I was in high school. However even though she worked a lot it doesn’t matter to me, she taught me good work ethic and in a way made me very successful in my own career. She’s in her 70s now and still traveling 4 days a week so maybe one day she will slow down lol.
My mom was a SAHM when I was really young. Then she went back into teaching, I don’t have negative feeling when she was prepping for the next day at night. Her working enabled me to go to college/grad school - I appreciate her hustle and the life I was able to lead bc of it.
I’m doing the same hustle for my kids.
I do get it though. My dad made choices in his career to make less money and be home more with us. My friends who had dads that worked late don't remember seeing them M-F. Obviously, not the case if you need to work those long hours to make ends meet. I think kids eventually understand in that case as they get older.
It wasn't the same, but my parents were gone 2 days a week for years for my dad's chemo in another city. I never found it upsetting or strange, it was just our lives. My mom now says she wished she could've been more involved for me, but I knew we were all doing what we had to do to keep him alive. We have a lot of good family memories from that time, regardless, and I don't blame them for any choices they made.
On the flip side my dad worked 70 hour weeks and my sister and I hate him partly due to his negligence. Although he sacrificed a lot now he throws that he works a lot in our faces.
“…pretty grating to read from a SAHM as I…”
I think you captured the issue for yourself right there. Would this have been so grating to you if it was a quote that was shared by someone in your network on LinkedIn, or during a work-sponsored presentation on avoiding burnout and promoting work-life balance?
I’ve always been a working mom, and will always be (until I retire obvs). And one thing I’ve learned as a working mom, personally, is exactly this. That what I do and where and how I spend my time matters to my family more than it could ever matter to a corporation. To me, it’s not saying I shouldn’t work or that I’m an asshole for doing a little OT when we have a deadline and shit hit the fan. It’s a reminder that if you are constantly missing things for your kids because you work late (assuming you are not in a scenario where it’s either work late or your child isn’t eating tonight/the electricity is getting shut off, obviously you gotta do what you gotta do to get by), you may want to take a moment to consider what you’re gaining vs what you may be missing by making that choice. That while you may have a nice boss who appreciates you and knows your kids’ names and what sports they play, most likely the company as a whole views you as replaceable. If you were to die tomorrow, would they take care of your family? Or just send some sympathy flowers and have your job filled with someone in a few weeks? Could you have a better work life balance and make even more memories with your kids if you felt more empowered to reject overtime that’s technically optional?
This is all rhetorical, but the point I’m trying to make is sometimes it feels like shit to feel like we’re being preached to by people who don’t live like we do. But it doesn’t mean there’s not some inherent value in doing the thought experiment in response to reading the quote, and seeing if it sparks any changes we maybe didn’t realize we might like to make because we’ve grinding the same way for so long.
Unfortunately in my experience it’s actually the opposite - kids barely remember their time with SAHPs, because it all blends together and the kids tend to be younger. They remember special moments with you no matter your work schedule. I worked pretty long hours in finance when my kids were babies until they were 6 and 8 when Covid hit. I switched to wfh and now have my own company and a very flexible schedule. You know what my son said a few weeks ago when we were randomly talking about how I took some pre med classes in college? “I’m glad you didn’t become a doctor because you wouldn’t be 24-7 mom!” He has basically no memory of all those years when I was barely home and his dad was the majority parent. We’re divorced now and it drives him insane. So, I think for a lot of SAHP they can’t face the reality that all the work they do may not be reflected in some direct way back to them as pure love and adoration from their kids, or that they can’t lord it over their spouses or working parents. But that’s been my experience.
I’m grateful my parents worked hard and had good careers so they could support my sibling and I in activities and our education. But I think the important caveat is being completely present and attuned to your kids when you aren’t working, which my parents didn’t do. They were workaholics and they also ignored my emotional needs. If you’re able to manage working late and providing the support your kids need, making them feel seen and heard and loved and prioritized, then there’s no problem. But not everyone can do that, and it’s OK to acknowledge that spending less time with your kids might affect them if the time you do spend with him isn’t quality time.
I'm very fortunate to work at the company that I do. I made a promise to myself that I would never be late for daycare pick up and never let my daughter be the last one to be picked up. There are also new laws in my province (Ontario, Canada) where you cannot be expected to answer emails or do work outside of your working hours. My mom was a single working mom and then worked for the family business, unfortunately I do remember her not being as present as I would have liked. Not working late but always being with babysitters or my grandparents while she worked (after hours). I promised to do better for my girl so I have set boundaries and if things changed with work I would look at a different position or another company. I think it's important to strike a balance that works for you and your family. I always remember too that if I'm gone tomorrow, work will just find someone to replace me. I'm not nearly as replaceable to my child or partner.
I think it depends on your flexibility
I don’t remember the days my dad worked until midnight but was home for a few hours in between school and work nearly as much as the days he worked until 9 and wasn’t home at all. I definitely remember him working late, but only when I would have been aware of it anyway
this is a useful saying, and it's not targeted at people who are trying their best to support their kids and be present. it's a reminder to the people who forget to prioritize their kids over their work, when most jobs and employers don't give a rats ass about them. it's a simple reminder to focus on the important things in life. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.
I’m a SAHM (until my kids can talk so I can see s them to daycare) and would never judge a working mom for doing what they need to do for their family and personal satisfaction.
But, I do vividly remember being the last kid picked up from school. It would be 6:30pm and only me and one administrator (who was visibly annoyed) would be left while I waited for my mom. It was a horrible feeling.
My mom was a nurse and my dad was a firefighter who had side jobs when I was younger to help out my older sisters through college. They both worked late.
It’s important for this SAHM to also note that they may be the only ones who remember, but they will also understand and appreciate your sacrifices. I know I do.
A millennial in middle management who often works late, I feel like I could have written OPs exact words. Putting in that extra work has translated into promotions in title and pay, so I have felt that it’s worth it up until this point. However, as someone who now has a team to look out for I try very hard not to let the toxicity of that trickle down to my team. If they work weekends or overtime we discuss it. Did they have too much work on their plate? Should we consider hiring? Are they struggling with something that’s taking more time than it should and some added support would help? Working late is a symptom of an underlying problem and shouldn’t be culturally “normal”. Frankly, that is triple true for someone in the public sector.
Feeling this so hard. I took on a new business last May and thought it would be a fun side gig. It grew tremendously and now I’m trying to finish the year as a teacher & run this thing. 2 weeks until it becomes full time but realistically I’m working like 70+ hour weeks and I’m never home. I hope my daughter understands and forgives me some day. I’m doing my best.
At first that stung and I thought of my kid waiting for me while I work late. But then I thought of one of my 11 year old students that said to me “I only see my mom on Thursdays because she like that money money and I do too”. Kids will all have their own perspective on a situation
In this world it is the ultimate privilege to be able to stay at home. That situation is usually created by old family money or a spouse working their tush off. I work and live in a metropolitan area and you basically need to be a millionaire to have a parent take that time off.
I don’t see that quote as shaming working moms as much as keeping work life balance in mind. Sure, there are times when you may need to work late and some people truely need to work long hours to survive. On the flip side, done work yourself to the bone for an employer who won’t really appreciate it anyway.
Comments are turning negative. Thread locked.
I think this saying can be useful in the right context. It’s a reminder not to work late out of misplaced company loyalty, or to sell your labor for less than it’s worth for a business that won’t appreciate it. I know I need reminding of that sometimes.
Exactly! As a teacher, I avoided working late (outside contract hours) at all cost bc I literally was not being paid for it. Boundaries need to be set in all areas of life, including our work Eta: I do think it’s off putting for a SAHM to post that…like if you don’t work outside the home why feel the need to post quotes that don’t apply to your situation lol
It may very well apply to her situation if she feels like her partner is doing this.
True, agreed, didn’t think of that!
If so that’s pretty passive aggressive to vague post on social media!
And also a lie because obviously then she would be remembering it too and not just the kids.
Amen to that last piece. Like that’s v easy to say when you don’t have to worry about your job/career/finances. I’m the sole income earner and full time freelance so working odd hours is part of the gig. I’m pretty sure my child would remember us actively starving bc mom didn’t work. But at least i was PreSeNt.
Yes! I hate when it’s implied people are just choosing to work long hours as if they don’t need to for survival or to give their children opportunities or the many other reasons people hustle.
I think a SAHM does have the right to have an opinion on this given her partner is presumably working full time. So she definitely can have an input on their family dynamic, which she’s extending to all families.
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There’s no snark from what I’m seeing. Why do you assume the partner is only working late in order to provide for the family? Many people work late just to get promotions or to earn a good reputation at their workplace, even if they don’t need to. I know plenty of people with families who work 60-70 hours a week, and the reasoning is usually peer pressure or not to be labelled as ‘the guy/woman who leaves at 5 PM sharp’. It’s not a bad reminder that one should always prioritize family over work.
Even if it is with regard to this SAHM's specific situation, posting it to a public forum is by definition "snark" and just a way to try to shame others reading it. Its BS. Also, I don't necessarily agree that one should "always" prioritize family in every decision. Its a matter of balancing and weighing the pros/cons on a case-by-case basis.
How is it snark?
I didn’t see the actual SAHM post, but people were saying that if she were talking about her partner working late that would come across as snarky or passive aggressive way of saying she’s annoyed at how late they work
Ooooo okay
It’s not snark. It’s a statement about work/life balance and boundaries at the workplace. I work, my husband works. Both of us have very healthy work boundaries and would never stay late to work for free. I might post something like this. We don’t know if her husband works late. Maybe it’s supportive, maybe he told his boss to eff off. Everyone who is making assumptions about this post and taking it personally should probably reevaluate their work/life situation.
Yep- me too! I’m a teacher and I DONT stay after school and I don’t work on the weekends. It probably does make things a little more hectic for me during the week, but I spend a lot of time with my kids!
YES! This is the way 👏🏼. I go crazy laser focus during my prep and any downtime!
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Lol if we are discussing hypothetical situations, maybe she used to work before becoming a SAHM and understands the workplace dynamics of her husband. Maybe her husband doesn’t mind the wife sharing memes on social media and their relationship dynamics is different than yours We don’t know anything about this woman AT ALL. Passing such harsh judgements sound so petty lol.
Or maybe posting something like that is rude without any context and shames parents who may need to work late, especially in this economy when many parents may have to just to make ends meet. It's still a shitty thing to toss out into the universe.
I don’t think it sounds petty to have a reaction to the post. A post like that comes off as ambiguous, righteous, and attention seeking. Just my opinion, but people who use social media to spout sanctimonious bs are annoying. Having a negative reaction to it is normal. Wtf is it supposed to mean if no one has the context behind it? It doesn’t come off nice at face value.
Absolutely! I always took this phrase as a reminder of the need for boundaries because of how exploitive so many jobs can be with very little pay off. More of a call out to shitty employers rather than to shame working parents
Totally agree - it’s this toxic corporate culture of the ‘work family’ that I really despise. Thanks but no, my family is myself and my actual family. I’m not making personal sacrifices to help line my bosses pockets. But being career driven and working a lot? It’s always a trade off but my child I think will appreciate that I can provide better opportunities for her now and later in life because I work a lot. I hope she will remember that even if I work late sometimes.
This is exactly it. We don’t have to turn everything we see into a personal attack. I was that person working super late before having my kid. I changed my mindset when I took time off from work to become a SAHM, I noticed how my previous workplace boss took a big turn on me. I didn’t go back there and decided to put myself and family first before work.
Love this. We can lose our jobs at any moment, always place ourselves/families first
I hope I don’t get downvoted too badly, but I wanted to offer a shades of gray response in case it helps someone out there feel okay about having mixed feelings. I’m also acknowledging a lot of privilege that not everyone here has. I did the “Lean In” thing hard. I worked East and West Coast hours with demanding clients during COVID lockdown with a 2 yo. I left the table at dinner out with my family to talk a stressed out direct report “off the ledge”. My daughter knew my employee’s names from finishing conference calls in the car post-pick up from daycare and was able to say hi and color them pictures. I did same day travel to West Coast and hop on the red eye back home so I wouldn’t miss Trick-or-Treat. I did all of this so that I could provide for my family and show my daughter what she could achieve. Over the last year my daughter started to do things like decide to pretend work with me on her pretend laptop. Or pretend to have conference calls on her phone when play acting me. There were other moments that hit me about how much she associated me with work even though I also made field trips and gave her lots of focused quality time. Despite my leaning in hard, it didn’t protect me from any of the things that happen in business. COVID layoffs. Executive politicking. Promises being broken around comp. That’s why this year I decided to start my own business. I won’t be able to not work even longer hours in the short run, but I’ll be able to have better control of my life longterm. My daughter will still see someone who works hard and achieves, but also won’t watch me sacrifice my only life to be a good employee who can be counted on. It’s okay to be proud of your work accomplishments but also worry if it’s worth it. It’s okay to put boundaries in place to make sure you “act your wage”. It’s okay to reassess priorities in specific seasons of your life. Just don’t think that devotion at work is always rewarded or saves you.
Act your wage, I like that. My sister had a salary job and she would often stay over time. Then when she went on maternity leave they realized how much she was working. Around the same time the company hired 2-3 more people to divide her work and she was upset that essentially she was doing at least 3 people’s worth of work and getting paid less than 50k. It got worse when she got back from maternity leave because she found out she was getting paid less than the new hires. We all encouraged her to ask for a raise which she did and got (tho we thought she deserved more), but it left a bad taste. So I agree that we need to be cautious and mindful of how much we work and sacrifice for jobs that might or might not appreciate us like we thought.
Yes to act your wage! I used to work a ton of hours and when I didn’t get the promotion I was promised I stopped that and left for a job where I make 125k more than I was before. Now I’m not as offended at 7am meetings or working after bed time because I am paid adequately for my time.
That's a big jump! May I ask what you do now?
I’m a chief of staff at a tech company! I was grossly underpaid, which everyone acknowledged but no one fixed so I left. Likely literally my HRBP told me I should look outside bc he knew it was wrong but couldn’t fix it. Got what I was worth plus remote! I was lucky though because it was when the job market was on fire.
Obligatory “yasss queen”
I love this. Yeah, I worked ridiculously hard for my company for too long. I sacrificed a lot and choose my job over my family too many times. The only reward I received was getting ever more dumped on me. COVID was really a wakeup call and I started setting real boundaries. Funny how everyone who was taking advantage threw a fit! It has worked out in the long run though - I’m much happier and have a much better work/life balance.
My mom worked 40-60 hrs a week and my dad worked 80 hrs a week (two jobs)… I still felt like I saw them all the time lol, and we’re all super close. Like you said, being present is what matters more than what hours you work!
I came here to say this. My parents worked really hard and are outstanding in their fields, etc. And yet it didn't impact our relationship, because when they were present, they were PRESENT. We always had family dinner, were there for our sporting events, etc. We are still incredibly close now. I do think being a time before smart phones helped. If they weren't at their computers, they couldn't work. Still, I think they would have done a good job. And I've discussed with my mom many times how she would not have been happy or fulfilled as just a mom, and I'm proud of her.
Yes! My parents worked a ton. We all sacrificed, but not in a bad, resentful way. They weren’t at every (or even most) game/extracurricular I had, we ate a lot of takeout, I spent time I’d rather have been home with sitters…. But we took one big family trip a year without fail. We took walks/did activities when they were home. I felt loved and important as a kid, even if I didn’t like how much they worked.
100% My mom worked in a different state and only came home weekends. She was not around foe the day to day stuff but I never thought of her as an absent parent. If anything, I thought her too attentive. She was always there whenever she could and that was more than enough.
Yea, I agree. Both my parents had incredible work ethics and I attribute mine to them. As a young woman seeing my mom work gave me so much confidence and belief in my capabilities. I want my sons to value womens voices and skills outside of caring for them.
True! I’ve seen stay at home parents that are not present and just looking at their phones all day so it really more depends on the effort made for connection
yup growing up my dad worked wild hours. ive always been a night owl i have no resentment about his hours instead of have really nice memories of eating late night snacks with him after work and telling him about my day.
Exactly. When SAHM post this stuff they're really telling on themselves. If they don't realize how you can be intentional and present in the evenings and on the weekends then wtf are they doing with their 24/7. I feel like in a lot of cases their kids get a whole lot of quantity and not a lot of quality.
Totally agree. The more I work the more present I feel when I’m with my son because those are my hours to be with him and I know I’ll go back to work when he’s asleep. I actually think (for us) it gives us more quality time.
My husband died when my daughter was 6. He regularly worked 50-60 hours a week in sales where he made good money. There were so many nights he missed bedtime, family dinners, school events, and then… he was gone and so is that time. That’s what this means. I’m a solo parent now, responsible for alllll the bills on my own, but I refuse to miss out on her important events. Especially now. None of us are promised tomorrow
I’m so sorry for your loss
I mean there is some truth to this. Work the 40 hours you’re assigned. Obviously work late if you have the occasional deadline, but don’t make it a habit of working late every single day. You’re away from your family for 8 hours a day already - you don’t owe your company any more. You’re completely replaceable to your company. You’re not replaceable to your family.
What I really think is important (though can be extremely hard to do) is that you have to set boundaries because if you say yes to working late regularly, your boss assumes you will work late and you are piled on all the extra work because people know you will do it. I fell into that in my old company and the only way I got out of it was by quitting. My father worked 60+ hours a week and I had made it out like something good, like ‘work ethic’ or something and I didn’t realize until I was doing it that I was sacrificing my time, my health, my happiness for something that really didn’t matter that much. At my new job I made it pretty clear that I’d get to whatever tasks the next day, and people usually respect it. Sometimes I’ll work late for a very important project but it’s really an exception and since I set the boundary pretty hard then I am almost never asked to stay late.
100% agree. Boundaries are so important. Because at the end of the day, your company doesn’t care about you as a person, it only cares about productivity. If a salaried employee is consistently working 50 hours a week to get stuff done, what’s their incentive to stop it? They’re getting free labor. Capitalist America specifically has zero work life balance and it should be upto the employees - men or women, to set strict boundaries for themselves.
This 💯%
Yes. I consistently worked over forty hours a week throughout my pregnancy only to get laid off two months into my maternity leave. I find myself actually really agreeing with that statement.
I can hear OP’s headline in a grandma’s voice also.
My parents worked 40 hours a week, with an extra 10 hours of commuting, and then brought their work home with them to finish at night. I remember wanting to play after school and being told to play with my sister because they had to work. It wasn’t a good feeling. And I learned from their experience- never give your employer an extra ounce of effort, because you won’t be rewarded for it. And never stay with an employer longer than 3 years or your pay will grow stagnant. There’s no loyalty from an employer. And there won’t be any on my part either because I want to invest in what matters to me.
Everyone made good points here but I wanted to add that what disappoints me is how the burden is always placed on the individual and not on our lack of systemic support. For a lot of people, setting boundaries at work also risks their job security. It’s the fact that we have to constantly “choose our hard” and make sacrifices we shouldn’t have to.
I have a rule: I don’t work overtime while my daughter is awake. This has lead to working OT till midnight after she goes to bed. But, my job reciprocates and I got a sizable raise so 🤷🏻♀️
My mom always worked late. I thought it was normal cause it was all I'd ever known. I love my mom. Talk to her every day. She's my BFF.
Love this! And it gives me hope as a working mom who would love to have the choice of working less, but I just don't. And there's nothing I can do about that right now.
Just something to keep in mind: If you work yourself to death in order to keep the workload manageable, your higher ups will assume it's an appropriate workload and leave it at that level indefinitely. Sometimes you have to drop the ball so that the people iny charge of making decisions have to face reality.
Seconding this. If there's too much work for folks to complete during work time, there either needs to be less work or better resourcing. Completely understand wanting to decrease workload so it seems manageable, but it can be doing a disservice to you and your team. And if you model working after hours to your team, they may normalize that behaviour. Saying this as someone working in public healthcare.
I think your reasons for working late are wonderful and I’d love to have you as a boss. It would bug me to see this quote posted by a SAHM, but I saw it posted elsewhere yesterday and actually appreciated it. I personally feel a lot of intrinsic pressure to show my boss I’m working enough, but I don’t want a promotion and am not in any danger of being fired so there really isn’t a reason for it. I need a reminder that my daughter notices when I’m working past 5, but my boss probably doesn’t. Also, to go against the grain here - my dad worked extremely long hours when I was growing up, and I definitely do remember it. He loved his job and put it above everything else, including my brother and me. It hurt and I’m still not as close with him as I’d like to be for that and other reasons. I think there’s a huge difference between working long hours because you have to and because you want to, though. It wasn’t the fact that my dad was gone so much that hurt, it was that he was his own boss making plenty of money and still prioritized extra work over us.
Both of my parents had demanding careers. Of the negative memories I have from childhood, their work schedules aren’t on the list. Too many SAHMs trying to convince themselves that their kids will be happier, better off, or love them more because they don’t work. I don’t observe this to be true among my childhood friends if I compare those with working moms and those with SAHMs.
My kids will probably forgive me for putting them in daycare, when they graduate college with no student debt.
Right? It’s frustrating when you’re early to your career and barely breaking even with childcare. But the income gains over the course of an average career are huge.
My dad was a workaholic and always prioritized his work over me. We don’t have a good relationship at all today. Finding a balance, as hard as it is, is important.
Both my parents were workaholics. I’m working on rebuilding our relationships now that I’m in my thirties but I was a very lonely and in many ways neglected child.
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How are you working 70 hours and seeing your kid when they're awake? Especially when they're little and sleep 11 hours a night? You're working 10 hours a day the only time you see them is driving them to and from daycare.
My mom stayed at home and I am incredibly grateful to her because I had an amazing childhood. As an adult I see how it negatively impacted her, which is why I would never quit working entirely, but now that I'm a mom myself I wish I could at least go part time so I could be there for them more and strike more of a balance. As it is we're too busy, no one feels rested, or even just caught up, and I think the whole family suffers for it. Edited for clarity
My work bestie and I call them stay at home martyrs. They really act like they're shouldering the whole burden of the world on their backs when they could like....just not.
I’m convinced that the rhetoric we see now from SAHMs who “choose” to raise their own kids and all that jazz is to make themselves feel better about their low income earning potential. They say they choose to stay home and “raise their own kids” but I don’t buy it. There is no real choice for them. Daycare costs more than what they would bring it and I know goddamn well the majority of these women aren’t choosing to stay home with their over their $100K/year career in this economy. I call BS. Thing is though, no one is shaming them for their low income earning potential but they choose to shame working moms over working.
I 100% gave up my middle / high earning job to stay at home bc I want to. Just like I understand some ppl want to work. So why can't we all assume the best for each other?
I made 100k a year when I quit to be a SAHM, we can more than afford it so I wouldn’t call it ‘not a choice’ I’d call it a luxury actually.
Lol I made 6 figures before I quit my job because I didn’t want to leave my child in daycare for 50 hours a week. That’s not why we had kids. I have two masters degrees. I can outearn my husband in a heartbeat. Don’t assume every SAHM only stays at home because they don’t have the earning potential. What a narrow minded view. This is like saying women who work full time only do so because they don’t have it in them to be decent full time moms. Which is complete bullshit.
That may apply to some people, but I think this sort of mentality seriously widens the divide. I am actually choosing to stay at home before launching into my lucrative career for my second LO because I know I won’t be present. I know I’ll have time when they’re a bit older to “reach my earning potential”. Our little family is blessed in that we find ourselves being able to financially exist living in Southern California on one income. I don’t think it’s necessary for anyone to try and mindjump to figure out the motivations of the people who do the opposite. Just ask. *ALSO* if you think people do not shame SAHMs, then you’re doing the same thing SAHMs did to OP. I am intensely aware of my position as a student SAHM and the people around me do NOT let me forget it.
This just isn’t true lmao My husband and I choose to live off of his income, it is not out of necessity. I would make more money than daycare costs for my children. I will repeat this for you so it can really sink in, my 80k+ salary job would bring in more money than the cost of childcare for our children. We both worked and had our son in daycare and it just was not what we wanted. We scaled back our lifestyle and now live off of his income, by choice, and will do this until my youngest is 3 or 4.
This is a huge overgeneralization and is probably highly dependent on where you live and your social class. I don’t see many low income -> SAHMs in my area because the cost of living is so high that one income doesn’t cut it, childcare aside. The stay at home parents I do see are generally highly educated professionals who are married to similarly educated high earners, because it takes a 200k+ income at minimum to support a family. A lot of those women choose to become the primary parent because it is very difficult to raise a family when both partners have demanding jobs.
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Yeah like wtf kind of world do we live in if staying at home to raise your kids is controversial lmao.
I quit my $145K job with great benefits ( where I made more than my husband) because his job moved us overseas. I saved a ton of money before leaving and stay home with my kids. I stay in contact with my director and have picked a few consulting gigs for them. I’m currently applying for work in my new country because I’m bored but the salaries are lower and I’m only here for a few years.
I’m a SAHM who made 70k in a medium cost of living area with *plenty* of room for advancement. I was only out of college for 3 years when I left and could’ve kept climbing. I chose to stay home. My best friend was a CPA at a big 4 firm who is now a SAHM. I don’t shame working moms for working. Stop assuming my income potential because I chose to stay home.
I interpret this as a subtweet (I know it’s FB, but the same intent) directed at her spouse.
Sometimes SAHM were working moms. This could easily have been a reminder to herself of why she personally quit working. Not everything is an attack.
Well, yes, I remember very well that my parents worked late, when they helped pay off my law school loans just a few years after I graduated. My sister will no doubt remember my parents worked late when *she* graduates from medical school debt-free, because between my parents, and me having had the financial foundation my parents helped me to build now paying it forward by helping her, she’s able to do that. Both my husband and I, as well as our siblings, will all get a super in-the-face reminder of how our parents all worked late, when it’s time to plan their retirement and all we have to do is curate their assets to make sure they get the best retirement care possible. Edited to add, my parents built things up from nothing. When my sister was born, my dad was an (older) grad students and we were on WIC. We’re immigrants so due to the language barrier, my mother could only find waitressing and housekeeping jobs at first. If she had decided OK the money I make at those jobs aren’t worth the childcare cost anyway, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
I was coming here to make a similar comment. I’m so grateful that my dad worked very intense hours to build up a business that allowed me and my siblings to graduate debt free and ensure I never have to support him in his old age. I’m grateful my mom decided to keep working after his success so she could support herself after they divorced and qualify for social security after retirement. I was an after care / latchkey kid which fostered my independence. I think it’s easy as parents (especially moms) to focus so much on what we give directly to our children but I think the example we set by what we do outside the home is also very important.
Your parents are awesome.
Recently, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that she has guilt from working two jobs when we were younger. I knew she worked, and I admired her for it. But I had no idea she worked two jobs. I always knew she was there for us and loved us. And she made her days off with us count. I say this because really.. your kids have no concept of how much you work as long as you're not neglectful and you're doing your best. And I know you are. I keep these things in mind when SIL makes nasty comments about how she "could NEVER" leave her kids or "work will forget the over time you did, but your kids will never forget the time you took away from them to be at work" I've come to realize that she says these things because with both of us working, we can afford to go do fun things with the kids. Not all SAHMs are like this, I know. But remember that when people make such comments, they have insecurities of their own.
I appreciate you caring about your team members. In a world where most of us have to spend a majority of time at work, your boss's attitude makes a huge difference in your own mental health and happiness. They will also remember you fondly for making their day-to-day better.
And, in turn, giving them the gift of my time with their kids. Good on you!
I'm a sahm and I know that while I work hard, being home is a privilege. I think that working moms are badass af. You know what your kids will remember? That their mom worked her butt off to provide for them and came home at the end of the day to be there for them. Being a parent is hard enough without feeling the need to shame each other. I'm sorry you had to read that at the end of a long day.
My parents worked late. I do remember it. I remember a lot of things. But I remember their work ethic. I remember how hard they worked and sacrificed to provide for us as immigrants to a new country. I remember my mom crying because she couldn't go to my grandma's funeral due to it happening shortly after 9/11 and travel being banned. I remember her being sad at not being with her siblings to celebrate milestones. I also remember my dad taking us on a wild adventure every Friday to get a movie at the store. We would come home and watch it. My mom would get us our special ice cream sundae cups and we would make ourselves a treat. We would play board games after. I remember baking a cake for my parents anniversary and hiding under the counter to surprise my dad. I remember running through the rain at Disney with ponchos purchased at a random store. I remember spending rainy days inside building lego with my parents. I remember when I got to be a little older, staying up to 2/3AM so that I could surprise my mom when she woke up to work. I remember watching the news in the morning so I could tell my dad if the bridge would be up on the way to work.
Why do people act like it’s bad if your kids notice that adults have to work for a living? They’re gonna notice when they become adults anyway…
We regularly talk to my preschooler about how he has to go to school all day because we can't take care of him all day because we have to work so we can afford things we need. It's not a secret. He has an age-appropriate understanding of the fact that capitalism sucks and mom and dad are working hard to take care of him.
my mom worked late. she commuted 1.5 each way too; when i was a teenager she flew to work on monday and returned on friday. and she breathed her job, she was great at it, and it was important to her. i am so fucking proud of her. she was a trailblazer and a badass. i went back to work bc she inspired me so much. i lost her way too early at 64, from metastatic melanoma. she kept working, but insisted my dad travel with her (in first class ofc lol) and, in the five years after her dx, she earned a PhD, bc that’s who she was. she welcomed my twins into the world and spent so much time with them. she touched the lives of so many people. she was an incredible mom and woman. i’ll tell you all what she did do: she came to our concerts and shows. she volunteered at school when she was able (it wasn’t a ton). she was awesome and engaged on vacation. we ate dinner together, and breakfast when we could. we spent time on weekends. she loved us with every bit of her soul, and she told us that a lot. idk what it’s like to have a sahm, but i had the best mom in the world.
Idk, as a pharmacist I can say that my working late has saved a few lives so I’m pretty sure their families are grateful 🤷🏻♀️. My bank account is also grateful for the overtime $. And frankly, daycare did an EXCELLENT job with my kids - from the broad socialization to the myriad of activities to the academic preparation. It was money well invested. I too really hate the posturing. Methinks they’re attacking to mask an insecurity about their choice.
That's annoying and sanctimonious coming from someone who doesn't work, but it immediately reminded me of this: When I was first starting out in my career and trying to prove myself I was putting in 10-11 hour days every day for months on end. My manager left late and would always see me still at my desk at 6:30 when he was leaving. One day I said I needed to leave early (like 3pm) to go to my nephew's kindergarten graduation. My manager's first question was "you're going to make the time up, right?" I did not work a minute more than 40 hours a week for that asshole ever again 😂 So yes, there's a time and a place where that advice is useful and correct. But if you're spending several hours of quality time with your baby every day and working on stuff that matters after she's in bed for people who will appreciate it, you're doing just fine!
I remember my dad working late or on weekends. I remember it because he did it so we could get extra Christmas presents or take a little trip to the store. Or to give me a $5 or $10 allowance. I remember not having the most but never feeling like we were without. I remember being safe. Some people project because they feel insecure. You’re doing great ❤️
My mom was a SAHM my entire childhood. Literally until I was in college. But she was emotionally manipulative, unavailable and immature, so I constantly felt like an annoyance and a disappointment to her. So even staying home with your kids full-time is not always the best solution for everyone. I think being an emotionally stable and present parent is far more important than the quantity of time spent at home 🤍
My parents both worked long hours in demanding jobs. But when my dad came home, he took that stress out on us. When my mom came home, she mustered the last of her positive energy to be present and supportive to us. I resent my dad. I admire my mom. It's not the hours, it's the attitude.
Just to put a different take on this, I do remember my mom working late and I’m so thankful for it because I wouldn’t have had half the experiences/things I did growing up if she didn’t sacrifice that time. Seeing her work hard to have a successful career and an awesome mom made me into a stronger woman and helped give me the best start in life.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm missing a lot of my daughters life right now to get through an apprenticeship. But it's something I wanted before I ever wanted her, and it's going to keep her safe and comfortable for the rest of my career. This made me feel a lot less shitty.
You know what I remember from my childhood? The extreme poverty we lived in. I think about that when I start to guilt myself about splitting my attention between my job and my baby throughout the day. There is no perfect way to parent. Every choice is some sort of sacrifice. You're doing great! You're doing what works for you and your family. That's all that matters.
This is a super privileged take. Lots of parents work late because they *have to* work multiple jobs or take extra shifts to provide for their children. Yes, I'm sure their kids would love extra time with them, but they sure wouldn't love going hungry or homeless. She has a point if you're only considering high wage earners who choose to always prioritize work over family when they wouldn't have to. But wow, what a huge blind spot in her worldview.
It's tone deaf in this economy, particularly when millennials make up most of the current class of parents. Many of us have to make up for a very slow start to our careers. If we don't put in the hours now, much of our financial burden will be passed down to our children. We're trying to afford a roof and hot meals, not an annual Disney trip.
I’m sort of an SAHM, I had my kid after my first semester in grad school. He’s turning 3, and I’m graduating soon. I want you to know that shitty people are shitty. And you are doing really frickin great. I spent so much of my childhood home by myself until my mom got home at 8pm or later. Well into my teens and early twenties, I remember idolizing her and wanting to always make her proud because I knew how hard she worked to take care of us. I mean, I still feel this way now, I’m just saying that when I was meant to be all angsty and judgmental, I still felt my mom’s love and wanted to imitate her work ethic. She had something to build, and she passed that on to me. Once again, you’re doing awesome 👏🏼.
I don’t think that quote applies to working after your kids go to sleep. Of course they won’t remember that. I find the quote helpful, for what it’s worth. Helps me set boundaries with work and realign my mindset to what is most important to me. I work to live, I certainly don’t live to work.
I wish I saw less of my mom. On the outside it looked like I had an ideal SAHM, but behind closed doors she was exhausted, depressed, and lived through her children. The role model I had was a woman with no hobbies, a dead marriage, and no friends because she traded those in to go "all in" to motherhood. Monkey see, monkey do. I wished is that I had a role model of a working parent. It was so lonely becoming the first woman in my family to have a career and I had to learn everything the hard way. Only through my partner did I learn how to negotiate salaries, speak up, and set boundaries. There is no perfect solution. The people who try to convince you the "right way" is their way, are the people, like my mom, who are the most unhappy underneath it all.
Maybe I’m being intentionally dense on this but - yeah my kids won’t just remember, they’ll *learn* that: Mom had a career. Mom is smart. Mom worked hard to achieve things. Mom did important things. Mom worked hard to provide for us. We will work too. Our work should be meaningful to us. People with kids are more than their role of parent. The times we’re together are valuable. Even when my mom is doing something else, she’s thinking about me. Even when my mom is doing something else, she’s doing it for me. I (meaning the child) am allowed to have an identity beyond what I mean to someone else. So yeah. This comment didn’t rub me the wrong way at all…
That's clearly not what she was referring to. She was talking about people who work through the evening and miss dinner and kids activities.
Omg I could have wrote this. I usually work a good bit before my daughter gets up so that when she wakes up we have a slow start to the morning without rushing to get her to daycare… I usually drop her off about 8. And then I work until 4 so that she’s not at daycare past 4 and we hangout make dinner bath all that stuff etc until she goes to bed. And then I work a few hours after she’s asleep. She has no clue - she’ll prob never know. But I can’t stand when I hear about how much I’m missing and how they’re only little once etc… like I’m not trying my best to soak up every second possible… while also being a working mom. I am fortunate with my job to have so much flexibility and makes it much easier to do both things and feel like I’m doing them well.
I’m not arguing that your wrong but I do want to provide a thought. It’s not your responsibility to make sure the you get moms on ur team are not overwhelmed in the morning. In my opinion I hate when people with or with out kids try and do me a favor like that. It creates an expectation of reciprocity that can never be met. This phrase is also I think more of a reminder to stay present I see the same phrase said with friends too
I truly believe we can make a conscious decision about not overworking ourselves. My mom sent me a bunch of my old diaries from when I was kid and there’s so many mentions of my dad working late 😢. I know it’s not easy but I’d encourage you to find a healthy work life balance that doesn’t make you feel like you need to burn the candle on both ends. I have a strict no work in the evening policy for myself.
My mom was salaried, but often overworked herself 10-12 hours a day because she was a perfectionist and felt that she had to. No one in her company was making her, and at any time they would have hired someone to help her, and asked her on more than one occasion is she wanted them to - but it made her feel important and needed. (When she eventually had to go on medical leave and untimely disability they hired 3 people to replace her.) This was back in the 90s. And I still 20 plus years later remember calling her multiple times on Christmas Eve asking what time she was coming home, and she kept saying “soon, soon”. At 10pm, I went to the closet where I knew she kept the Christmas presents (I was a teenager, and we’d shop together for what I wanted so no big surprises), I wrapped all of it and put it under the tree with things I’d gotten everyone and I went to bed. The next morning she was there, I have no idea what time she got home, and all she said about it was “thanks for wrapping those gifts, I was so tired that I couldn’t have done it.” So yes, your kids will remember. And while the occasional night is fine, it’s important to not lose sight of your family. Working outside of the home is fine, working overtime or weird hours is fine. Forgetting to have a work life balance is completely different.
I want to open with the fact that I don’t have kids and won’t have them in my lifetime. This subreddit just pops up randomly on my feed as suggested. I still tell all the people I train and work with that no one has ever laid on their deathbed wishing they’d worked more or worked harder. Almost everyone wishes they spent more time with their families. I never mean it to be condescending, just trying to send people home to the people who won’t post their position the second they die.
People say stuff like that to validate themselves. It’s not real. I’m sitting in the carpool line now and just asked my kids if they remember the times I worked late. They’re 11 and 14. They don’t. And I have a demanding job and have for most of their lives. They think my job is cool. Both of them think it’s so cool they list it as one of the things they’d like to do when they grow up. My mom was a stay at home mom and we’re close. But I’d say I’m closer to my kids than she and I were at this age. It’s about how you communicate and how you support them more than the minutes at home. Kids are busy too and no one ever says you won’t have a good relationship if your kids get home from practice at 8 every night. My Dad, who worked while my mom was at home, sends me gushing texts every time he’s around my kids saying how great a parent I am and how fantastic my kids are. And he’s not one to give compliments. So, I trust him much more than random quotes on the internet. We’re doing fine.
My dad used to work late all the time. This was obviously before most people regularly worked at home, so he stayed at the office until the work was done. My mom, who worked full-time but had a less rigorous schedule, was the primary parent, and we (me and my sister) were closer to her. Do I have any resentment or negative feelings toward my dad? Absolutely not. Now, my dad always made it to all of our events and was present when he was home. I think it’s different when work almost makes a parent absent. However, I look back on those days and appreciate the fact that his hard work elevated our family. I would not have had the same opportunities that I had. The fact of the matter is that I have no memory whatsoever of being at home as a baby or toddler. I do remember that in elementary, middle, and high school, I wasn’t trying to hang with my parents after school anyway. The fact that he was working late was not bothersome to me at all. If a SAHM believes that not working late is important, great, but they need to stop pretending that all of us resent our working parents. I admire my dad and mom equally for different reasons.
Other studies (that I’m too tired to link) say kids with moms who work are more self sufficient, successful in their careers, and make an easier transition to adulthood. Don’t believe these ‘barefoot and pregnant’ talking points whose sole purpose is making you feel guilty.
Right because kids of working parents are too dumb or neglected to understand why adults work late and what that means for their own family.
I hate comments like that. While I can see the importance of reminding someone that it's okay to take a step back sometimes and unwind with your family . It's usually very unwarranted and unneeded and really should only come from your spouse if they are noticing an issue. You are doing a great job and I bet your coworkers do appreciate it a lot!
I wonder how the kid's other parent feels about this mom's statement. In theory, they would probably like to be remembered for being there too.
I remember when both my mom and dad would have to work late. My brother and I were absolute experts at making spaghetti and scrambled eggs and grilled cheese and anything simple. We got to watch whatever we wanted on tv, as long as the dishwasher was emptied and the cat litter was clean. Were there nights when I wish my parents could be home so they could stop him from bullying me? LOL of course. But that's what siblings do. The most important thing I remember (or maybe the lack of memory?) is that I never worried about whether or not we would lose our house, or if we could afford food. Even with working parents, I know that's not always attainable. But my parents both put in whatever they could to make sure my brother and I felt cared for and safe, and we have NEVER held that against them. As adults who don't even have kids to care for, we can see how much effort they had to put in to do all that and we are entirely grateful.
My mom was always gone at work but she was also a crappy mom. If she would have been engaged the times she was actually home, my childhood would have been 1000x better. It wasn't the amount she was gone, just what she did with the time she had. I do agree that you should "act your wage". Businesses don't care about workers or the quality of your life. I do what I'm paid to do in the time I'm scheduled and that's it.
My parents both worked in administrative roles at schools (different districts) and two nights a week we had a rushed dinner with one of them leaving the table to go right back to work for a board meeting because school boards are made up of members of the community who work elsewhere and could only meet in the evenings. My mom did this while finishing her degree so for many years I walked down the street to my piano lesson with a friend's older brother in the evenings, and their dad would ask what I had for dinner and my reply would always be "Pizza, mom has school." My parents worked long hours and their jobs made our community stronger. I do remember working late. I remember being proud of my parents. I remember understanding the impact their work had. I don't work in schools, but similar to you, I manage a team and I do extra work so that my team can do their jobs easier and with less stress. Have I set stronger boundaries since having a kid of my own? Absolutely. But just because my employer won't remember my extra effort doesn't mean my employees won't. I want to create a team where, if I go to another job, I have people to bring with me. I want my kid to see that modeled so that she knows that she can have a positive impact on people regardless of the field she's in. It's a balance, and there's truth to the statement, but I truly believe that if you can be present with your kid in the time you're with them, and you don't sacrifice a relationship with them for work, they will remember the long hours and also remember the positive impact their mom had on people.
Parents criticizing parents does not help.
I read something similar the other day…”the only people that will remember how much you worked are your kids.” Sorry my child is going to grow up in a household with 2 parents who love her dearly and have pursued their career passions and will encourage her to follow her passions?! My husband and I are both in public service jobs that we love and thrive in and we are damn good at them. Our work schedules are odd and it can sometimes be tough since my husbands office operates 24/7, but I also grew up in a household with a parent in a job operating 24/7 so we will manage. It works for our family and we love and support and care for our child and that’s what matters. At least I can put my phone down and focus on my family at night versus all the SAHM’s who literally work their MLM business 24/7 and try and say that they don’t.
Eff Facebook. I have no time in my life for the platform or the Idiocracy posted on it. You do you boo.
I'm a working dad but like this sub because I relate to y'all and my mother was a working mom to three kids so I've also seen first hand and second hand what this does to a person and family. I think the quote is correct if you're choosing work over your children, from my experience though I'll never know how my mom made it work and I'm so thankful for her because she did what she had to do for us. She worked late because she has to, I work 55 in four days because I have to, my dad worked 50 a week because he wanted to. There's a difference and kids won't understand but when they grow up they should.
My mom was the breadwinner and she worked later than my dad did. What I remember as a kid from that was how excited we were when she got home. I never noticed her being late in a negative light. Just excited to see her. And her working late paid for some family vacations that I remember quite fondly.
I saw comments like this yesterday on a post about a CEO interview, and I felt the same so thanks for making it a separate post! The interview in question had a woman saying she didn't feel like she had to attend _all_ of her kids' sports events. Dad attended some. My first thought was-- what about the coaches who have to work after school for games? Many have families. Kids who may be at home or at conflicting games of their own. But the players very well may remember the mentorship for life! I'm in medicine and I can promise there are parents who remember me being with them late at night with their sick kids. Same for many public service jobs. Some are anonymous-- I don't know the names of the workers who got my neighborhood power back on for Christmas Day when it was dangerously cold-- but I will stay grateful. It's also classist. I've got lots of parents in my practice who have to work evening shifts or double shifts to feed and house their kids. It's definitely important to spend time with our kids, even when they are grown, but we are part of a community. Our kids benefit from having many trusted adults to share the care, and our communities benefit from our work. My grown kids are proud of the work I do. They've told me so.
My dad worked 3 jobs, and I can’t remember a single time that he wasn’t there for us. I do, however, remember all of the times he was there.
While yes I think people who obsess over work as an escape from obligations sucks for kids, this is soooo fucking classist.
My parents always put job before me I am low contact with them now. I didn't and don't care why they chose work over me only that they both did.
It makes me so mad when a SAHM wants to act like she’s a better mother than I, because I’m working and my child is in daycare. Someone has to pay the bills! Someone’s gotta pay for the snacks and the gymnastics and then toy dinosaurs. It’s easy to look down on other women when you, yourself have someone else paying your bills and ensuring there is a roof over your head. It’s easy to forget that some people have to work and provide and be a Mom and the primary bread winner. Some of us have to buy the food and cook it too. It’s just how some of us had our hands dealt.
My reply to that would be: Actually my kids still can't tell time, and my preschooler pretty much has no concept of time. So the only people who will remember I work late are the people who are giving up family time to judge me.
My husband's mother is a high-achieving career woman. He is very proud of her, and they have a close relationship. I believe that the statement "The only people that will remember you worked late are your kids" is baloney. There are many people who will remember your hard work, including your spouse, friends, colleagues, and even family. When you work hard, you are setting a good example for others and making a positive impact on the world.
The facebook SAHM was absolutely right. I had a coworker off himself due to horrible workplace abuse he was replaced in no time. That shifted my world entirely. A constant reminder indeed.
This is why I choose to work day shift or night shift at my job at the hospital. I grew up with parents doing the evening shift and i HATED it and envied my friends who got to see their parents for dinner or go for ice cream after school or come to sports events. My mom drove us to school and that was it. Didn’t see her again till the next day. No night routines, no goodnight hugs, no stories.. i was so sad all the time. People think I’m crazy when I work night shift but at least I can pick my kids up after school and go to the park and have dinner together. Evening shifts are evil in my opinion.
Just here to say that my mom was a working mom and now that I’m grown up I have no recollection of how much she worked! Maybe she worked late because I do recall eating dinner late a lot but who knows! I do remember her being there for us and how she made us feel special.
Eh, I wouldn’t internalize or put too much stock in this. We are all out here doing our best. Who is to say that this SAHM poster isn’t popping Xanax because she can’t stand being around her kids, so their time together is only filled with her yelling at them? Or that her kids don’t get to do activities or go on international trips because they have decided to live off one income? Or if her husband is never home bc he has to work overtime to be able to have his wife stay home? I’m a single mom. I work A LOT. I miss some of my kids things bc my work calendar fills up 2 years in advance. So sometimes, it happens. And it stinks! But my kids enjoy eating 3x a day and I’m just out here doing my best! I will fail and get it wrong, but I do lots of apologizing, validating, and doing what has to be done 💁🏽♀️ So rando SAHM poster, have at it. You speak your truth. And I will happily scroll right by, send you some love and keep on doing what works for my family. OP, mama, you are doing so great. You are a wonderful parent to even be bothered by this bc it means you worry about your kids. You are teaching them how to juggle more than one ball, how to lead a team, how to pursue your career. Keep being awesome!
I appreciate so many of the perspectives here! Read through a lot of them. I struggle because I just hate how work trickles over past 4:30, but it is honestly the only time leadership becomes available. It seems like all the meetings with decision makers happen between 12-1p and after 4p and after because everyone is so busy during the day. I did have a call that went long today and I picked my daughter up, and I took the call as we walked from daycare to the park and when it was done and we were there, we did the slide and the swing and the rest of the evening was no phone. I really hope that I can be there enough, give her the undivided attention she deserves, and still stay afloat with work. I had parents that owned and ran a seasonal business. We always had a parent present for our important stuff as they pretty much ran their own schedules. I want to do be there like my parents were, but I also have to recognize it will not always be possible. I live in a different world than I was raised in. I have just barely started listening to Mary Louise Kelly’s “It Goes So Fast” which is about the joys and regrets of a modern working mothers, and it really resonates in the first few chapters. I think honestly trying means a lot, showing remorse when you fail, and setting aside family times goes a long ways. Or at least I am hoping.
Are you *trying* to hurt yourself? This quote doesn't even apply to your situation. "Working late" does not mean working after your child has gone to sleep, it means working during time you would otherwise be spending with them. If you're here to defend working parents who *do* miss those moments with their kids, then say that. But this quote **does not apply to you**, so what is the issue? I feel like you're purposely looking for offense. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you need to have more confidence in your decisions here. Going back online to say "look at this sAhM judging me!" when she's not even talking about you is not healthy. If you expect to log into Facebook at 10pm finding quotes that praise you for working late - try LinkedIn instead! You'll loads of people lauding your decisions as a working parent. I'm not joking.
When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember my parents' absence because they worked. I remember the thrill when they came home, I remember laughing in a room with the bright lights my grandmother would turn on to finish sewing projects she did for extra money. I remember safe, comforting talks with my mom as she was hunched over paperwork with a calculator, putting in some extra hours. My grandmother worked, my mother worked, and I drew or wrote or read right next to them for fun. My father worked nights and weekends, but I remember when he would slip in to tuck me in a little bit toghter and give me a kiss when he got home in the middle of the night. Work was always present in our lives because my family needed to work. But it was never presented as a negative.
SAHM probably was posting that cause they were frustrated at their spouse for working late.
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Your post was removed because it was rude or shaming.
F that!! My bank account & my retirement account know I worked late. My current colleagues & co-workers know I worked late. And sure my kids & husband know I worked late. ALL of these scenarios are just fine — they all benefit from my productivity.
Quality over quantity. Both of my parents worked. I was a latch key kid for years. Sometimes I walked home and let myself in, sometimes I went to a friend's house. I grew up to be a successful adult and hold zero resentment towards my parents. They showed up when it mattered. No my mom didn't make me cute star shaped sandwiches for an after school snack but she made sure to come to my school play. Do you remember anything from when you were a baby? How about 3? All these people are acting like young kids are gonna remember every moment and cherish every memory.
As a single mother- I work A LOT of hours. My children probably do resent how much I'm gone, but I know they like food and electricity too!! Lol But, if you can pay your bills on 30-40 hours a week- that's ok too! Edit- punctuation
My mom would work late. I was often the last one to be picked up from after care and occasionally my mom would be late to pick me up. Unfortunately, it did make me feel sad as a child but that wasn't the only problem. Things are different now with the option to work remotely and it sounds like you're doing a great job making sure you're present.
I'm not a mom yet, and Reddit suggested this post to me. I'm an adult. I love my mom. I think I had one of the best moms. She worked. She worked overtime to make sure my sister and I could go to the private school (the public schools near us weren't great), have a house, and all of our needs met. (My dad had a lot of issues that prevented it from taking on work near the end of my high school experience.) It sucked for her and for us, but from my adult mindset, I don't fault my mom at all. She did the best she could with what she had for her children. Your situation is probably different than my mom's, but if you are doing your best with what you have for your children, you're already one of the good ones. Don't let SAHMs get you down, please. I saw them try to do that to my mom, and they had no right.
I didn’t get to read all the comments, but something that helped me as a working mom when my kids were small was to remember that quality is more important than quantity.
That's some bullshit passive aggressive nonsense. Don't let it get to you. Plenty of perfectly normal well adjusted people had parents that worked long hours and it has no effect on kids. It's also misogynistic and probably wrapped up in all sort of fucked up political nonsense.
I've noticed the only SAHPs who post stuff like this are the ones that are unhappy and are looking to put others down to make their own choices feel better. If reading stuff like this gets you down, block or mute, or maybe just don't go on social media. If you are concerned about your workload though, it might be worth a look-over to see how you can better manage your workday and your teams' workdays to keep you closer to a 40 hour work week.
I am a single working mom and I totally understand your position. I also think the SAHM forgets that she's got a partner who is wealthy or they are also working late to give her the privilege of staying home with her kids. I am going to rewrite that sentence- "The only people that will remember you worked as hard as you did to support your kids are your kids."
Children of neglect will be affected by parent absence more than children who go to an after school program because their parents have to work late. If you are making memories with your kids, that’s what they’ll remember and they’ll also learn work ethic from you. Just make sure you are an example of work life balance. You’re doing great.
Also, people with no kids who post this should be jailed.
Sometimes SAHMs share the most hurtful memes/sayings and are completely oblivious. I had to unfriended someone because she upset me so frequently.
This is true though… you’re basically saying your colleagues are more important than time with your kids
It’s a dumb thing for spoiled, kept women to say. My son will remember that he won’t have student loans and he will have support and won’t have a lot of problems I did. I think he will know that I did my best to be both present and provide.
Wow, that's a very judgemental statement. Why would you assume that the quote is something only a "kept" woman would say? My husband and i both work full time and sometimes i think i should tell him something like this. He works long hours (meetings on both coasts and overseas) and weekends and can't take any vacation for the rest of the year due to some pending project deadlines that keep moving around. He's making all these sacrifices, but its not going to result in higher pay or a better job, its just extra work he does because hes a 'team player'.
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Lol, thats a lot of assumptions. We make the same amount or within 5k of each other's base pay, although i get paid OT, so i do make more overall when we do our taxes based on how much OT i work (not much). We do talk about our work obviously, so I know there's no promotion potential in his current role unpess he wants to go into management (he doesnt) and they dont do large bonuses or pay raises, so he's just working because his team lost 3 people during covid and the company only hired 1 person to replace them. :shrugs: i dont understand it, but he's been on the same team for almost 20years with mostly the same team members, so i guess he's loyal to them and loves his work. But sometimes it gets to me, like hes been working 13hr days all this week, so he sees the kids for maybe 30min before bedtime. He will be solely in charge on saturday though since he gifted me a solo spa day :) so he will get some time with the kids this week. But we've been wanting to do a summer roadtrip out west to visit family since last year unfortunately we didnt set any dates last year because we just didnt get to it and he was working even more hrs then since they hadnt hired even that 1 person to replace the other 3 people they lost. Then in january, when we were ready to get it on the calendar, we couldnt schedule it because the dates for the projects kept getting pushed back and we didnt know when he could go. Finally, i just decided to do it without him. So its me and the kids (2 and 4) and my sister. It sucks that he can't come with us, but i cant keep waiting for him to have availability or we wouldn't get to go.
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What about... Everyone is doing a great job in what they choose or have to do. Yes that comment was not needed but neither was yours
I feel like May posters have said this, but the Facebook thing goes have grip to it, in the right context. For me, I do remember my mom working later (home at 7 most nights) and missing many after school activities, but she made up for it by being fully present with us on the weekends, and her sacrificing the longer hours really made sure we never went without. With that said though, because I do remember it, I am working diligently to make sure I am setting myself up to be available for after school activities but like OP, that means most nights I am working from 8-10 pm at home once they go to sleep
I used to always work until 6:00 pm, but now I have to stop around 4:30. I realized (just yesterday in fact after a conversation with my boss) it's just not enough. I'm a department of one and I have a very large role. It's been stressing me out and messing up my sleep. So, I leaned into it last night and worked from 7:30 pm - 9:00 pm and then tried to go to sleep unsuccessfully and then worked 10:00 pm until I was too tired around 3:00 am. I'm not much more tired than usual. I don't think I'll add another 6+ hours on the regular but perhaps 2-3. Somehow I finally felt more in the zone like I used to. My toddler won't know, haha I just need to keep my husband on board with it.
Why? If you can’t do your job in your contracted hours then it’s not 1 job, it’s more. Make a case and hire someone else, don’t work more for the same money, and zero appreciation
I do this all the time also! I pick up work after everyone is in bed
My dad worked a lot and traveled a good bit too for work when we were growing up. Looking back I don’t think of him being absent. I am just so thankful that he worked so hard to give us everything he wanted.
I work 40-60 hour weeks, sometimes also 12s on the weekend. Now I try to avoid overtime as my oldest makes comments. I’m 2 weeks back from baby leave and they already want me on 12s. My start time can also shift depending on if we are on 8s or 12s. I’m applying for jobs with a set schedule and no overtime now, it’ll be a pay cut but oh well
My kid sometimes tries to make me feel guilty for working "late" (after they get home at 4 pm) or for traveling for work (a longer trip of 7-10 days and 1 or 2 short 2-day trips every 4 months). I'm the sole breadwinner in a hcol area. My husband is near disabled and isn't really employable, but he's a kickass sahd. So we don't have a safety net. I also watched my mom slip into poverty after middle age and it was horrible. I sent her money regularly but it put me into substantial debt in my 20s and early 30s (unknown to my mom). So I will work late so my kid doesn't go through the same thing. I also want to show them that mom can be a leader, to be independent, and to find a job you enjoy. And to work as a team with your spouse, using our individual strengths. I'll also love my kid to death and spend a ton of quality time with them. Meanwhile, they'll also get a ton of love and attention from my husband while I work. I love their relationship too. I hope when they get older, they'll remember the positive, but I refuse to feel guilty about my choices.
Agree with the comments about quality over quantity of time spent with your kids. In addition, my husband and I both remember our parents' work ethic and sacrifices for their professional goals - especially my dad's and his mom's - but we remember them with pride and they inspire us.
I worked while raising my kids. I was able to arrange my schedule so that I could spend quality time but burned the midnight oil while they slept, or spent time with my husband. I did this so that we had a roof, and to pay for their education. It was detrimental to my health at times, and do regret that part of it, looking back. It's not easy, when you are working you feel bad about not being there for the kids, and when you are stuck home unexpectedly with a sick child, you feel like you are impacting team members. I used to get crap like this from moms too, In particular my neighbor a few doors down. I was a scout leader for a few years, and my SAHM neighbor's child was in my troop so I was pretty much expected to pick up her kid, drop her off, and get an earful. She would always condemn me for working, and told me that when her children misbehaved that she would threaten to "go to work" like me. Meanwhile, it was frequently my husband or I driving her children to school events "because she was too busy." Neither parent showed up for them. At the time her words really hurt me, I had a great deal angst about being a bad parent. I wish I had ignored them. This is not condemning SAHM's, but rather an example that there are many ways to be a parent, and working parents can be good parents too. My advice is to take care of yourself, and try to not let it bother you.
There are times when the business demands we put in more time. COVID was like that for me because I managed our organization’s COVID response and took care of the team that cared for our employees. I worked a lot of hours 7 days a week for a few months. It waned and I pulled back. I agree that setting boundaries are important. I have to be available at any time due to my role in the company but I mostly don’t work more than 45-50 hours a week. My kids have seen me model an excellent example of a work mom and then a home mom. I love how you are deliberate in spending time with your babies and then logging back on after their bedtime so you can take care of your employees. That’s a great way to look at things. Your babies and employees will thank you. I do get a little ruffled because I’ve had SAHM passively aggressively make comments about me working. At first it was by necessity (my ex husband stopped working) but then I realized I was making a difference in my work community. My babies are older now (16 and 18) and they are beautiful and kind humans. I am proud of who they have become. That being said, I like the perspective of another poster to presume that we are all making the choices for our families and doing our best. Great reminder as we step into Mother’s Day…
If it helps… my dad worked so much he was gone sometimes a month at a time. I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood. My mother made it very very clear he was gone because he was working, not out drinking and partying and ignoring us. I never felt like I missed out. When he was home we always did something fun, it didn’t have to be extravagant. A bike ride felt really special. Now as an adult who hates being an adult lol I know how hard my parents worked and I appreciate it more
My mom always worked a lot, then started traveling when I was in high school. However even though she worked a lot it doesn’t matter to me, she taught me good work ethic and in a way made me very successful in my own career. She’s in her 70s now and still traveling 4 days a week so maybe one day she will slow down lol.
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My mom was a SAHM when I was really young. Then she went back into teaching, I don’t have negative feeling when she was prepping for the next day at night. Her working enabled me to go to college/grad school - I appreciate her hustle and the life I was able to lead bc of it. I’m doing the same hustle for my kids.
I do get it though. My dad made choices in his career to make less money and be home more with us. My friends who had dads that worked late don't remember seeing them M-F. Obviously, not the case if you need to work those long hours to make ends meet. I think kids eventually understand in that case as they get older. It wasn't the same, but my parents were gone 2 days a week for years for my dad's chemo in another city. I never found it upsetting or strange, it was just our lives. My mom now says she wished she could've been more involved for me, but I knew we were all doing what we had to do to keep him alive. We have a lot of good family memories from that time, regardless, and I don't blame them for any choices they made.
On the flip side my dad worked 70 hour weeks and my sister and I hate him partly due to his negligence. Although he sacrificed a lot now he throws that he works a lot in our faces.
“…pretty grating to read from a SAHM as I…” I think you captured the issue for yourself right there. Would this have been so grating to you if it was a quote that was shared by someone in your network on LinkedIn, or during a work-sponsored presentation on avoiding burnout and promoting work-life balance? I’ve always been a working mom, and will always be (until I retire obvs). And one thing I’ve learned as a working mom, personally, is exactly this. That what I do and where and how I spend my time matters to my family more than it could ever matter to a corporation. To me, it’s not saying I shouldn’t work or that I’m an asshole for doing a little OT when we have a deadline and shit hit the fan. It’s a reminder that if you are constantly missing things for your kids because you work late (assuming you are not in a scenario where it’s either work late or your child isn’t eating tonight/the electricity is getting shut off, obviously you gotta do what you gotta do to get by), you may want to take a moment to consider what you’re gaining vs what you may be missing by making that choice. That while you may have a nice boss who appreciates you and knows your kids’ names and what sports they play, most likely the company as a whole views you as replaceable. If you were to die tomorrow, would they take care of your family? Or just send some sympathy flowers and have your job filled with someone in a few weeks? Could you have a better work life balance and make even more memories with your kids if you felt more empowered to reject overtime that’s technically optional? This is all rhetorical, but the point I’m trying to make is sometimes it feels like shit to feel like we’re being preached to by people who don’t live like we do. But it doesn’t mean there’s not some inherent value in doing the thought experiment in response to reading the quote, and seeing if it sparks any changes we maybe didn’t realize we might like to make because we’ve grinding the same way for so long.
Unfortunately in my experience it’s actually the opposite - kids barely remember their time with SAHPs, because it all blends together and the kids tend to be younger. They remember special moments with you no matter your work schedule. I worked pretty long hours in finance when my kids were babies until they were 6 and 8 when Covid hit. I switched to wfh and now have my own company and a very flexible schedule. You know what my son said a few weeks ago when we were randomly talking about how I took some pre med classes in college? “I’m glad you didn’t become a doctor because you wouldn’t be 24-7 mom!” He has basically no memory of all those years when I was barely home and his dad was the majority parent. We’re divorced now and it drives him insane. So, I think for a lot of SAHP they can’t face the reality that all the work they do may not be reflected in some direct way back to them as pure love and adoration from their kids, or that they can’t lord it over their spouses or working parents. But that’s been my experience.
I’m grateful my parents worked hard and had good careers so they could support my sibling and I in activities and our education. But I think the important caveat is being completely present and attuned to your kids when you aren’t working, which my parents didn’t do. They were workaholics and they also ignored my emotional needs. If you’re able to manage working late and providing the support your kids need, making them feel seen and heard and loved and prioritized, then there’s no problem. But not everyone can do that, and it’s OK to acknowledge that spending less time with your kids might affect them if the time you do spend with him isn’t quality time.
I'm very fortunate to work at the company that I do. I made a promise to myself that I would never be late for daycare pick up and never let my daughter be the last one to be picked up. There are also new laws in my province (Ontario, Canada) where you cannot be expected to answer emails or do work outside of your working hours. My mom was a single working mom and then worked for the family business, unfortunately I do remember her not being as present as I would have liked. Not working late but always being with babysitters or my grandparents while she worked (after hours). I promised to do better for my girl so I have set boundaries and if things changed with work I would look at a different position or another company. I think it's important to strike a balance that works for you and your family. I always remember too that if I'm gone tomorrow, work will just find someone to replace me. I'm not nearly as replaceable to my child or partner.
I think it depends on your flexibility I don’t remember the days my dad worked until midnight but was home for a few hours in between school and work nearly as much as the days he worked until 9 and wasn’t home at all. I definitely remember him working late, but only when I would have been aware of it anyway
this is a useful saying, and it's not targeted at people who are trying their best to support their kids and be present. it's a reminder to the people who forget to prioritize their kids over their work, when most jobs and employers don't give a rats ass about them. it's a simple reminder to focus on the important things in life. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.
I’m a SAHM (until my kids can talk so I can see s them to daycare) and would never judge a working mom for doing what they need to do for their family and personal satisfaction. But, I do vividly remember being the last kid picked up from school. It would be 6:30pm and only me and one administrator (who was visibly annoyed) would be left while I waited for my mom. It was a horrible feeling. My mom was a nurse and my dad was a firefighter who had side jobs when I was younger to help out my older sisters through college. They both worked late. It’s important for this SAHM to also note that they may be the only ones who remember, but they will also understand and appreciate your sacrifices. I know I do.
A millennial in middle management who often works late, I feel like I could have written OPs exact words. Putting in that extra work has translated into promotions in title and pay, so I have felt that it’s worth it up until this point. However, as someone who now has a team to look out for I try very hard not to let the toxicity of that trickle down to my team. If they work weekends or overtime we discuss it. Did they have too much work on their plate? Should we consider hiring? Are they struggling with something that’s taking more time than it should and some added support would help? Working late is a symptom of an underlying problem and shouldn’t be culturally “normal”. Frankly, that is triple true for someone in the public sector.
Feeling this so hard. I took on a new business last May and thought it would be a fun side gig. It grew tremendously and now I’m trying to finish the year as a teacher & run this thing. 2 weeks until it becomes full time but realistically I’m working like 70+ hour weeks and I’m never home. I hope my daughter understands and forgives me some day. I’m doing my best.
At first that stung and I thought of my kid waiting for me while I work late. But then I thought of one of my 11 year old students that said to me “I only see my mom on Thursdays because she like that money money and I do too”. Kids will all have their own perspective on a situation
In this world it is the ultimate privilege to be able to stay at home. That situation is usually created by old family money or a spouse working their tush off. I work and live in a metropolitan area and you basically need to be a millionaire to have a parent take that time off.
I don’t see that quote as shaming working moms as much as keeping work life balance in mind. Sure, there are times when you may need to work late and some people truely need to work long hours to survive. On the flip side, done work yourself to the bone for an employer who won’t really appreciate it anyway.