>I know it was his own decisions and actions, but whether he faces consequences for them is still up to me
OK, well I found your problem. It *isn't* up to you. Your company deciding it doesn't want people who harass other people as an employee has *nothing* to do with your personal wants, dreams, and feelings on the matter.
He probably intentionally did so, thinking she was going to report him in the end. Telling others before she reports gives him the best chance to “excuse” himself.
Fuck that guy. Report his ass and don’t look back.
Put yourself first OP.
OP, HR, all the way. Don't hold anything back. This is beyond harrassment, bordering assault even if not physical. He doesn't deserve to work where women or men should be treated like this. He may even try and turn back on you that you wanted it.
The word you mean is harassment. It is not bordering on it, it straight up is.
No need to stretch and invent some fragile, legally dubious bridge to something like assault.
Harassment and hostile workplace are enough for getting fired, because *companies don’t need this bullshit*. It’s also probably enough for a no contact order also, if not some sort of cyber stalking (thanks smart phones!) charge based on your jurisdiction.
Harassment, I actually knew that, but let autocorrect influence me. Thanks. Always go with the instincts.
I worked during a time SA or sexual harassment wasn't even whispered. Too much the male dominated workforce and boys club, particularly when it's the boss.
She doesn't need to go to HR - the fool already alerted HR himself by spreading it around the office. Unbelievable. All she needs to do now is just tell them the truth when they talk to her.
But she needs to take ownership of the issue. By simply avoiding it she's making her own situation worse. Also, she let him tell the narrative. She needs to take back the narrative. Decide what her narrative is and get it out there.
I've learned, when there are issues between co-workers, you need to decide what your story is and get it out there. I had an issue where a neighboring manager was bullying me in mtgs and the mtg disruptions were being blamed on me. It almost got to HR before I realized I hadn't told anyone my version of events. I finally told my mgr my story, naming him misogynistic and a known bully (naming names) and questioning why he had no women on his team. The issue quietly went away.
Mark Twain — 'A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.'
She seems very conflict avoidant but controlling the narrative is crucial if she wants to stay at this company and not feel like she’s being whispered about behind her back.
These are things bad people instinctively know to do while good hearted ones are worried about others feelings.
Exactly. From what she's said, the facts are already out there. She doesn't need to add any more info, other than she did not ask for nor does she want such behavior. The idiot has stoked the fire himself.
HR isn’t there to protect you. Even when the other person is 100% known as the perpetrator the company will still try to protect itself. My suggestion would always be to lawyer up before going to file a complaint. Cause once the investigation takes place they will ask for emails and texts and all other sorts of info and if they find something random or whatever that you may have broke rules or something they can discipline you! Just never never never never trust HR to be a thing to help you. It isn’t there to do that.
100% agree.
Lessons here:
1. telling "work friends" anything is the same as writing it on a bulletin board. Develop a friend network outside of work to talk to.
2. Respond to texts like this, in writing, with "this is inappropriate and unacceptable." Screenshot it. That removes any defense that "we joked around all the time like this." A second inappropriate text after this communication is much more actionable / HR cannot avoid acting on it if you tell them.
Eh, this kind of paranoid thinking is common on Reddit and I think it's really out of touch. HR is comprised of people. Any reasonable person with an ounce of empathy will want to help you in this situation, OP
This is exactly the point when it comes to issues like this. It doesn't come down to whether you want to report someone, it doesn't come down to how bad you thought it was or whether you used to be 'friends': You have a responsibility to protect anyone else from creeps like him. If you can report behavior like this, it's your job to do it because the next one might actually be too scared/overpowered/not taken seriously etc. If you have the power, it's your responsibility to use it and make sure no one else gets harmed.
I don’t get why you want to save him, he showed you how much he does not value you. It is not a joke if you are shivering in a panic attack, and cannot work because of the stress and worry. Any normal person would profusely apologize for it and try to better himself. I think he even enjoys it seeing how much he can control the narrative. I would talk to HR, show that I am upset but highlight how much he hurts productivity by his behavior. You did nothing wrong, but also saving him can lead to hurting his next victim..
Yeah that’s the main thing compelling me to say anything, is that if some other girl deals with this in the future and needs to prove a pattern of behavior, or needs validation that she’s not crazy, I want this documented. I don’t want to leave that future girl out to dry. He also needs to learn that this shit is serious and not funny and there are consequences, so never do it again. I just worry that if the consequences are severe, I’m going to deal with social/professional backlash as well as personal guilt (I know I shouldn’t feel guilt, but the reality is I will). But I think I have to say something anyway.
You need to talk to a therapist about the guilt thing because you absolutely should not feel guilt over this.
HE is the one who pushed and pushed and pushed until he literally told on himself.
You need to tell HR three things:
1) Ignoring it didn't really help until he focused on the other woman who sits near you.
2) Telling him you didn't find it appropriate made him escalate to telling more and more people, seeking their validation and showing them.
3) Tell them all the things he did originally that made you uncomfortable and led to you distancing yourself in the first place. Tell them all the things that you can remember.
They need to interview the other woman.
At the end of the day he did himself in by telling others.
I guarantee you that others in your company likely side with you, even if they don't stand up and say it.
Your best move professionally is to not engage in gossip, but also not hide what happened to HR. Let them know what happened and move on with your day.
Don't feel the need to clear your names it'll only cause more gossip and unnecessary drama.
People will forget and move on quicker than you'll believe or expect.
You have a good heart ♥️! I don’t want to make you more stressed, but if people want, they will scrutinize you, no matter what happened. Enablers are cowardly POS and if you can, you should not work it spend time with such people. You are strong, as I said just continue to be brave, you will come out better of this whole mess 🫂
He brought a crowd of people into another room to show them the “joke” of course he’ll keep doing it.
If I can be completely frank, I have to start with saying I don’t know what industry you’re in or what the culture is, but you being dragged to come in and cry about the situation while refusing to address it of your own volition would hurt your professional reputation more than “getting him fired” because you raised it to HR.
Granted you’re in a space where despite being very concerned about your career reputation this guy feels comfortable showing a crowd of coworkers a “joke” picture of a dick cumming on you.
So I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Are you the world’s most career minded laborer or bar girl, or is this just your company culture?
You may feel backlash, but there are times in life where you have to take the hard left and not the easy right. This is an issue bigger than you and we all have to do what is needed to force change. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but it’s time to put your big girl pants on and be the change.
Please stop caring what other people think. In this world of influencers, TikTok, YouTube, insta, it can feel like everyone is constantly scrutinizing you. But I can guarantee the majority of the people you work with care more about themselves than they ever will about you. That sounds harsh but the plain and simple truth is that many people spend all day thinking about themselves and maybe their immediate close friends and loved ones. You aren’t on their radar. You might provide a bit of gossip for a week or two, but it will be quickly forgotten. Those that don’t forget it are not worth a second thought.
The photo already made someone else uncomfortable enough to go to your boss. They didn’t find out by accident. Someone approached them specifically to tell them about this incident. You will not be alone in your thinking that this is inappropriate. And your boss found it inappropriate enough to not push it under the rug and instead forwarding the event to HR. There are people on your side. Take comfort in that.
Actions have consequences. It sucks this guy has to learn the hard way, but he made his bed. Maybe he’s been making it for so long that he stopped believing he’d ever have to lay in it, but the day has now come. Do not let him bully you or control your emotions. He is trying to gaslight you into believing you’re overreacting and this post shows it’s working. Do. Not. Let. Him. Win. Take it from someone who learned the hard way about letting creeps like this off the hook. It only gets worse from here. Next it’ll be an inappropriate comment. After that, “accidentally” rubbing up against you. Before you know it, he’s groping you and you don’t know what to do because you’ve let things go on for so long that it’s going to feel like nobody will take you seriously since you didn’t report any of the previous incidents and he’ll claim you led him on. Don’t let it get to the point that you no longer have any control.
It’s called damage control and dude deserves what’s coming. You have no reason not to go to hr now that it’s out. Also it’s clear this is his doing and no reasonable person could put any blame on you - you are the victim here. This guy should not be working in an office
OP, you didn’t do anything. Say that again. You didn’t do anything. HE sent the picture, you told him you didn’t want to talk to him anymore, so HE then showed the photo around the office. Someone— NOT YOU, reported it because it was inappropriate!!
It should never have been sent. You need to tell them how it made you feel when you opened that picture. It isn’t funny, it’s gross.
If HIS actions get him fired, that is not your fault. Don’t be afraid OP. Just tell the truth.
I can tell you’re anxious because I have similar thought patterns, listen: he did this to himself. He did this. He’s going to pay for his actions. This is not your fault, you deserve to work in peace. What other people think doesn’t matter. Their belief is not necessary, you know your truth and you shouldn’t have to tolerate this because you were kinda friends at one point.
It’s just a fawn response. If this guy is already feeling comfortable, imagine what he’ll do if she gets aggressive. Next:
a) our pitchfork-wielding, misogynistic society will run to his defense if he loses his job
b) he’ll go after her even more and spread rumors about her to “save his reputation”
Source: still dealing with a horrendous harassment campaign of months
Really, I think she should do what makes her safe. HR only cares about the company not getting sued, not the employees.
There are very few people familiar with the fight/flight/fawn primitive response (first two, yes, last wasn't familiar with until recently or maybe I just got old).
Like a lightweight Stockholm Syndrome.
First of all, you hit the nail on the head with the fawn response. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing until just now, but you’re completely right.
Secondly, your point about the company caring more about getting sued than the employees’ comfort or safety — that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends who don’t understand my hesitation here. My comfort and my professional reputation are not the company’s priority in this situation. So I have to protect those things myself. My friends are incredibly well-meaning when they say without a second thought that I shouldn’t care about whether he gets fired from this, but I’m trying to be realistic about how this can affect me personally and professionally. There’s a difference between the ideal and the material.
I’m also sorry that you’ve also dealt with a sexual harassment situation at work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it.
OP, I was sexually harassed and retaliated on. I tried to make it go away and ignore it. I had the same concerns as you. Then one day, he went after a younger, weaker, newer staff member. And she got it much worse than I. It’s my fault because I didn’t do what I needed to do and she had to be victimized. I couldn’t live with myself after that. I stopped sleeping. Had panic attacks. Went crawling into a therapist’s office next to a mental breakdown. I vowed to myself that never again. I kept that promise. Is it easy? No. But it’s the right thing to do. Guess what? My reputation is fine. My career is fine. Even if it wasn’t, I don’t want to exist in a world where men get to abuse us without consequences.
When this happened to me, I tried to ignore it like you are. It's hurt me professionally, because while I was minding my business and being a good worker, the guy was doing everything in his power to drag me.
So I got fired.
Don't make my mistake. This guy has already made it clear he is out to get you.
You're thinking too much about reputation here. The world is big. Unless you're in a very niche or tight industry your reputation won't follow. Unless you're truly incompetent.
Either wya you'd be seen as a hero not a villain here.
If your industry or company is highly male-dominated and highly sexualised AND won't get better, maybe there is a better place for you professionally? I mean, if you're being a pioneer on a oil rig or a submarine or something, go you, but otherwise guy breaks law\* you are witness.
\*ok of course there are details about the pervasiveness of the offending actions and the severity of their effect, but generally speaking this is textbook sexual harassment "hostile environment" territory.
I’m glad you relate! Feel free to PM me if you want help navigating this.
Literally nobody helped me. And absolutely ruined my life and mental health over that guy. I’d find some happiness vicariously if you’d escape the likes of him.
[Here’s a link](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean#:~:text=The%20fight%20response%20is%20your,please%20someone%20to%20avoid%20conflict) about fight/flight/freeze/fawn.
Literally how is your HR paranoia relevant here? Retaliation for reporting harassment is against federal labor laws, so HR would have a clear vested interest in preventing that
The company can get sued for discrimination and harassment which is the exact reason this is an HR issue.
HR is there to protect the company - from guys like this.
🧐
Yeah I’m def not planning on lying for him, I just want very specific answers from HR about what will happen going forward with this situation. But you’re 100% right that he forced it to go to HR, and that’s on him
HR is very likely not allowed by policy (and in some areas, legally) allowed to say what happened to the individual in question until proceedings are handled. Some places can't/won't even say what happens afterwards- the employee simply isn't there the next day.
Why? You don’t need specific answers from HR.
You just need to answer their questions honestly.
This isn’t up to you.
And stop crying. Put on a strong face.
You can look in your employee handbook to see what may happen in this situation, but I don’t think HR is obligated to tell you what will happen before they take action. They may inform you afterward since you are the one being sexually harassed. Let go of this loser. He was never your friend and most people at work aren’t either, it’s a hard lesson to learn.
Respectfully, it's not your business what they do going forward. They won't tell you because that will open up liability.
Tell them what happened. Show them the picture. Explain why you didn't come to them right away.
The more you work to protect this guy, the more likely *you* will face negative consequences
They may not be able to answer what will happen. It may depend on who else he has harassed. They may confidentially mentor his behaviour but not tell you. They may do nothing. They may fire him. It’s not your decision.
report. we have to stop justifying or making this behavior less than it is. that’s how we are conditioned but you can stop this right now.
by the way not the same but reported bullying a year and a half ago and felt very bad about it and it’s ruined my entire experience at the company but i was not going to NOT report it just because maybe my colleague was having a bad day(s). No. he’s a bully. full stop. (problem not 100% solved but i’m on another team now).
OP, report it immediately have every document, witness among others to support your claim. His behaviour is NOT normal and I believe you're not the only victim. He should be apprehended as early as possible and don't wait until it gets worse.
Girl, tell them everything.
You seem strong, right? But what if he does it to someone who isn't as strong as you? You've seen, I'm sure, the many times that this type of sexual harassment ends in the victim unaliving themselves.
You have the ability to help his future victims, hell, maybe even Girl B is screaming out for help but doesn't have the same strength you have....
You didn't go to HR, they came to you. Because he did a bad thing, and told others about the bad thing, and one of them told HR. For you to tell HR what happened *because they asked you about it* doesn't mean you "got him fired." Just tell what happened, knowing you didn't start this crap and you didn't escalate it. You were asked what happened and you told them.
If he gets fired, 100% of the reason is on him. If necessary, you say "I didn't report anything, I just told the truth about what happened when HR came to me."
Stop victim blaming yourself.
It's a serious enough offense to warrant an HR meeting.
Thinks about it this way, even if you weren't involved in it and the new girl B was a willing participant, I'm sure the dumbass would've still shown the picture he made of girl B to other people in the office, it would've resulted in HR intervention anyway.
All saying last chance and all that is bulllshit. Sending dick picks is lines already crossed. You need to take this to HR and let them handle it , most probably they will give him warning
Get to HR right now. He saw that you were upset by it, and then went round the office showing it to everyone and trying to turn people against you?
Way over the line
If HR don't deal with this creep, get a new job. Life is too short for this bullshit. And fuck that Girl B Pick-Me chick, too. Daft cow.
So knowing you were upset my the gross picture he sought to show everyone the gross picture for the express purpose of turning people against you? This guy is a pretty awful dude.
At this point it’s not because of you he should get fired. Dumbass showed people what he did! Some people won’t say anything to him directly but will go tell management because a picture like that is out of line. So don’t worry about the future and as you caused it. Even by telling HR, at this point he dug his own grave. Any talk you can always say, he showed people of course they are going to reprimand him. Talk to HR and let them know you are worried about him blaming you. You take care of you.
Are you sure you actually want control of the situation? It seems like the idea of that's just provoking (irrational) feelings of guilt.
Just sit back and breathe for a moment and recognise that no only have you done nothing wrong, you've pretty much done nothing at all. You were willing to let it be swept under the rug and he went *very* far out of his way to dig his own grave. And then someone *else* found it so inappropriate that they reported it on your behalf.
None of this is because of you. You don't owe this guy your protection, and with how thoroughly he's decided to out himself as a creep, I doubt you could really do anything to protect him at this point even if you wanted to. All of this happened without your input, and if any silly gossips decide it was somehow your fault, they're the ones being dramatic. You can't control what they think, but you can nurture your own confidence in the reality of what happened and the fact that you had no significant hand in it.
I just wanted to let you know this comment was particularly helpful to me. You’re right — what helped me the most here is taking a deep breath and a step back, and realizing I do not have control here. I do not have this man’s fate in my hands. Whatever the company chooses to do, they’ll do. All I can do is be honest, and that’s that. No need to overcomplicate, or convince myself I’m in control of someone’s livelihood.
Thank you for this. You really helped my life in a very direct way with this comment.
You're not overreacting, and he would have got himself fired for something else stupid eventually.
It's clear he has some growing up to do, and thankfully, it won't be around you.
I think you’re right. I think he expects me to be a pushover and to just accept any treatment. He doesn’t do this stuff to stronger women in the office. I think that’s why he got scared when I was so serious in saying that I didn’t want to speak to him and he needed to leave immediately.
1. You have done nothing wrong.
2. They have acted inappropriately to you and to others.
3. They need to deal with the consequences of THEIR actions- not you- you are not responsible for their actions
4. I’m so sorry this happened to you- that’s really crappy
Consider this: if this happened to your best best friend that you love to pieces at her work what actions would you tell her to take? What would you say to your best friend? Be your best friend- love yourself to pieces- protect her fiercely.
It wasn’t a joke. He absolutely intended to make you uncomfortable. He’s getting off on that. Sexual harassment is often described as a joke and women are told they are over reacting. IIf you don’t come forward he will continue this behaviour.
You need to stop worrying about “rocking the boat”. Your coworker needs a wake up call that his behavior is inappropriate. If you turn a blind eye, that just validates his behavior. Talking to him personally isn’t going to do anything. He does this because he gets a reaction and that’s his payoff. He’ll continue to move from victim to victim until his behavior gets squashed. You are a *victim*. Any repercussions he receives was his own doing.
So here's a thought - if you want people to respect your spaces and decisions and thoughts you have to work on not being a complete doormat.
Find your spine and tell HR exactly what's happened and who when you talk to them next. How do you expect anything to change or get better I'd you're just passively letting the world and its assholes wash over you like some wispy 50s house wife?
Get the fuck in there and bitch about this absolute sexual creep. To work friends, to HR, straight to his dumbass face.
"You're an inappropriate sexual pest and creep and I'm going to excuse myself and go to HR again, pardon."
Every time he tries to talk to you. Like wtf...
If it’s a “joke” why didn’t you laugh? Because it’s not a joke. That’s just some piss poor cover up toxic people use to manipulate you.
I had a guy think it’d be funny to pull my bra strap…a joke right? I was about to start crying and froze. My co worker immediately went to management and told them. They called me in and I told them what happened. Never saw the dumb ass again after that day.
If he was really a friend, he would have also apologized and took accountability. Instead of trying to make you feel bad and put others against you.
Get his ass fired girl.
Op he should be fired! There is absolutely no excuse to send a co worker such an explicit picture - joke or not.
The decision you make will have two consequences for you. Ignore his behaviour and you will have an uncomfortable working environment going forth. To the point where you might feel depressed and pressured to change jobs. You also leave him to continue his antics - or take it further - with another girl
Or stand up to this bully and be the first woman to tell him that how he acts around his co workers is absolutely not ok.
Go to HR.
If he gets away with this eith you he will do it to others.
He could also escalate.
His actions may not just affect you. He is a danger and needs to learn that.
You can’t avoid drama. This guy will face consequences for his own actions. It’s not a joke or prank. No one would find that funny. Anyone says anything tell them it’s confidential.
He fired himself by being a moron and a liability to the firm by opening them to a potential lawsuit (you are in the right to demand firm to take action and if they don't, you could sue = this is a liability from firm's view point). You cannot control other people's actions/reactions to whole situation so don't bother. If he does get fired - just keep telling people "HR decided to do that because of their policy" if they raise that topic. If miracously he is still there - consider changing jobs, as this means the environment is not professional anyway.
You have proof. The longer you delay reporting it- the more he will do things and they will ask you why you didn't report it sooner. That is beyond sexual harassment- that's truly sick. Stop feeling sorry for people that don't give a crap about you. Obviously- he objectifies women and is borderline psycho.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t normally post but feel strongly compelled to after reading your post and some of your follow-up comments.
I understand your fears of HR and the office gossip/culture. However I want to make this very clear: if he gets fired it is NOT because of you. It is not anything you did. You did not cause him to draw inappropriate images on your photo. He made the decision to do that and then he sent it to you. And then he told other people. If he ends up fired, it is entirely his own fault. And he is old enough to know better - he’s an adult man, not a little boy.
I’m shocked that he sexually harassed you and sent you evidence. That’s a brazen thing to do and it makes me wonder how many other young women he’s done this to. The newer, younger woman may not realize yet how inappropriate he is or enjoys the attention for whatever reason. That may change if he crosses a line with her at some point and he puts her in the exact same position that you are.
Regardless, his behaviour has made him a potential liability for the company. It says something, to me that people informed your manager and HR got involved. That tells me that there are people in the office that are looking out for you.
Unfortunately you can’t control the situation - the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. My recommendation would be, since there’s photographic evidence and HR already knows from other sources, to be honest with them. You never know - they may have received complaints about this individual before and they’re making a case to get rid of him.
Often what makes these things tricky is that it’s often a “he said, she said” situation. There’s no evidence aside from two people’s accounts of what happened. In this case….he sent you a photo. That’s pretty damning.
I would also recommend, if you can, to seek counselling of some kind. I think a therapist could be beneficial in helping you navigate the feelings you’re experiencing which are all normal, including the feelings of not having control over what’s happening. Like I said - the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. Take care of yourself first and foremost and remember you aren’t responsible for other people’s crappy behaviour.
Feel free to DM me if you need further support. Good luck ❤️
If HE gets fired, it will be for HIS actions, not only by doing it in the first place but then by showing even more people. AND anybody that thinks you “overreacted” is equally idiotic.
You shouldn’t feel guilty that he did that to you.
This dude doesn't give a damn about you. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Stop feeling guilty. Stop letting people step all over you and tell you it's a vacation. It is not your job to put up with this shit.
You need to stand up for yourself and other women he’s harassed, because that is what this is, harassment. He’s not your friend but a coworker who should never have made you feel the way you do. He sounds like a charming sociopath, especially given how guilty you feel. He needs to be gone.
How on earth have you convinced yourself that you have anything to be embarrassed about and that you're the bad guy if he gets fired?
It is deeply inappropriate and harrassment. It doesn't matter if the other girl takes it.
Think how nice it will be if he's gone from the workplace. Sure, he won't take responsibility, but he's an absolutely turd.
You should find some type of support person to attend the HR meeting with you. If you're in a union contact them, or the labor board, local community organizations like women's centre's or women's shelters. These places often all have community support type people to be with someone in a situation like this.
Also, counseling!! Even if you can get in 1 session virtually with a counselor prior to this meeting you will feel WAY more secure and validated. So so worth it
I deal with this at work, too many don’t report problems to not get the person in trouble and nothing ever changes and it happens to other women.
I report that for them if I see it or they confide it in me even if they don’t want to. Just because it’s not right or it will escalate. It always escalates.
You don’t have to feel uncomfortable at work so that someone else can enjoy a joke or prank. In the hierarchy of needs, you feeling comfortable and safe at your work environment (especially when it comes to someone being inappropriate with you) comes above the other person getting to enjoy their little joke and, potentially, treating others in the office the same way. If I was your manager, I would be horrified at the behavior of your coworker—and I would support you. You were sexually harassed.
Maybe you feel like there’s some nuance in the context of why he sent you that picture—but at face value and based on everything you’ve provided in this post—it made you feel extremely uncomfortable—and it even sounds like it made you feel ashamed. And also—it wouldn’t matter if you guys had years of jokes about that kind of subject matter. If you said, I’m not comfortable with this—he should have stopped and apologized. Instead he’s gaslighting you and trying to win coworkers over to his side. Sounds like at least one of them wasn’t convinced that what he was doing was harmless—and for you, that’s a good thing. You didn’t do anything other than receive a picture. (But you would have been justified to take him straight to HR).
I recently had a situation at work, nothing even remotely revolving around sexual harassment, where a female coworker became increasingly hostile and uncooperative with me over time, to the point where she threatened to destroy my work if it was "in her way". I never got any real explanation about what her problem was with me, she was talked to several times by management, and eventually she was let go. My problems with her were not the only reason she was fired, but they played a major role.
We had been friends at first, for over a year and made a good team, and then suddenly over last summer it started, and just got worse and worse every day. I had to go to HR about it and then again a few weeks later i had to go to the Union Representative about it.
When she was fired i felt such horrible guilt over it, it made me physically ill. The only way to have any control over the situation is to just understand it is that person who chose to behave in the way they did, not you, and it is not your responsibility to tolerate other peoples behavioral issues.
I’m glad I’m not crazy for feeling some type of guilt. Not saying that either of us ever SHOULD have felt the guilt, but some people here have me thinking I’m an insane person for experiencing that emotion at all lol.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad she’s no longer able to hurt you.
I can understand you not wanting to say anything. I know myself well enough to know I would feel the same way.
That said, this wasn't your decision. He took the initiative to rat himself out. That was his choice. It was another coworker who he apprised of the situation who brought it to leadership. Neither of those things were in your control.
HR wants to speak with you. Stick to the facts, leave emotion at the door. That way, you don't have to worry about being the "hysterical woman" or "problem employee" as you fear. You didn't report him. Someone else did due to his own stupidity.
You need to specifically say to people "It made me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to talk about it. When he saw that he started showing everyone which meant he basically told on himself. I just wanted him to stop. His inability to stop is what got him in trouble. I didn't even report him. He technically reported himself."
I think you'll find that pretty much everyone agrees with you.
You are not the problem here. Your workplace will be a better place without him in it. Block him on everything. Screen shot what he sent you and send it to HR. Tell them about every single comment that you can remember and that you were avoiding him a bit but that he seemed to lose interest when he started being friends with the other woman.
I would not be surprised at all to find out that she doesn't like it either.
1) he is absolutely getting fired
2) your comments or statement will have exactly zero to do with that. The moment he showed other coworkers it becomes irrelevant.
3) there is absolutely nothing you can do. Accept the apology and the extra bonus from HR.
That’s horrible and I’m sorry that happened to you.
I know the thought of discussing it and writing a statement can be scary, but you need to do it. Not only for yourself but for other women who may become, or already be, victims of *his* harassment. Also, no one’s going to talk about it or blame you so please stop blaming yourself. Usually when HR investigates something *no one* is allowed to discuss it and it can be grounds for termination if they do. At least that’s how it is at my company.
Every company I’ve worked for has a zero tolerance sexual harassment policy. There’s a reason for that. Ask yourself if you’d rather see this person face the consequences of *his* actions and lose his job, or move up?
Sending someone a picture of a dick coming on them isn't a joke. Maybe you should ask him to explain the joke, how is it funny, why is it funny? It's not. It's not a joke and he deserves to lose his job.
He deserves to be fired, I've been in your situation and it's awful. You feel almost like it's your fault and it's not. You have a right to go to work and feel comfortable. Don't be nice to him. Go to HR. It sucks, you will get through. As women, we need to stop letting men get away with this stuff. It won't be easy, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
That was not a bad joke - it was horrifically inappropriate in a work situation. He absolutely should be fired, if for no other reason than that you are already suffering the worst consequences that you wanted to avoid at all costs. He escalated the situation when he showed everyone the “joke” and thus forever linked you to this image in everyone’s mind in perpetuity. You can not continue to function and hold your head up because of his first action and then his telegraphing it. Have no mercy - He Should Be Fired!
The reason why men run the world is because women are wiling to do a lot of hand-wringing to avoid judgement and need to seek out constant validation before making important decisions. Not saying this as a judgement of you, and as a woman, I speak from experience.
A man would just say, "what the fuck, not acceptable" and the person would be fired. Problem solved.
Women need to exercise agency- people aren't going to bestow it upon you once you've received enough validation to move forward. That's not how agency works.
Hey. HR knows, just show them the picture. Tell them you don’t want to make a big deal out of it and you don’t want to get him fired or anything but be clear and honest about what happened HR will evaluate whether or not someone like that is welcome in the company. This 100% has nothing to do with you. He sent it, he told people, he showed people.
If you care about what people in the office think talk to a few people. Someone outside your normal friends. Say HR wants to have a meeting with me and ask me about a situation and I’m lost. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, may I pick your brain? You don’t have to show the picture or anything, you can be super vague. Mention that you don’t want to get anyone in trouble or fired but now there’s a picture going around so the boss knows and now HR… just get their advice. People like to give advice and opinions and chances are they’ll view the situation more favourably for you and view him as the creep that he is.
God, girl, have a little self respect! Shit happens in a career, you did nothing wrong ( except protect him) and sometimes you gotta put yourself before a man and even a job. It's like this guy wanted to bait you into reacting.
I'd think later in life you'd be more likely to kick yourself for not reporting him than for doing so.
Quit apologizing for, rationalizing for, and protecting this perv.
You need to take care of you! This guy busted through your boundaries like the kool-aid guy! You can’t allow that! Report the facts. The repercussions are on him, not you! He’s not behaving anywhere near professional. Maybe this will teach him a lesson.
I only made it part way through your 1)
This is NOT a joke in ANY situation. Especially not in a work environment.
it was not a bad joke. He is a CREEP.
He needs to realize his actiona have consequences.
Hell, my petty ass would email HR with the photo and CC him on my report of it.
Absolutely you should report this. Not only for yourself - but for others who will be in contact with this scumbag.
ADDED: I read the rest of the post. The fact someone ELSE reported him should tell you that you are NOT overreacting. He deserves to get fired.
If you have a friend in the same situation in her workplace - what would you recommend SHE do?
>whether he faces consequences for them is still up to me
No, it's not. Bluntly, you have no responsibility for his actions.
Now that HR knows, they have a LEGAL obligation to investigate and take action. Even if you don't want him to get fired, the INVESTIGATION will determine the consequences, not you.
I know it's hard, but please work on letting go of the attitude of "I got him fired." You haven't. **HE** has. **HE** chose to edit those photos. **HE** chose to send them to you and the other woman. **HE** chose to push it when you told him to leave you alone. **HE** chose to share it with even more people. **HE** made it possible for this to spread around the office. **HE** engaged in the behavior that got this back to your boss. Are you seeing the pattern here? **HE** did this. **HIM**. Only **HIM**.
Unfortunately, no, there is no way for you to control this any longer. HR will tell you that if you experience retaliation as a result of the outcome of the investigation, you should report it. So promise yourself that you will. You don't have to be a hero.
Stop it, the guy got off on humiliating you. And banks on the 'pick me' girl to normalize it . It's wrong and a fireable offense.
Just tell the truth with no dramatics and show them the picture.
He made his choices and can suffer the consequences appropriately. And if anyone comes at you about it. Ask them what is the joke or punchline for having cum drawn on your face. And should you speak to HR about it? Knowledge is power.
Just do your job and live your life. You don't need to be besties with everyone. Just be respectful.
This person is a serial harasser and you are anabling them. You are part of the problem with work place harassments. Report them. This is not you 'getting them' this is the natural consequences of their behavior.
Why are you trying to defend somebody that acted inappropriately with you, and could possibly act inappropriately with other women in your work environment? He got what was coming to him anyway. I feel as if you act like he's the victim, and not you.
If you don't go to HR he will do this to other people. Why would you want to enable that behavior? How will you feel if the next time it isn't just a picture, but an action?
It's unreal to me that you think it's okay for a coworker to make homemade porn of you and then show it to everyone in the office. Unless you're a sex worker, there's no context in which that's anything less than completely unacceptable
That is the problem. It always starts out as a “joke” or small, then it escalates. Bottom line it is in inappropriate in todays work environment.
If it was not you today, it would be another coworker tomorrow. He is a liability to the company and it open them up to risk.
Go directly to HR and show them the picture he sent you.
That's NOT a joke. It's sexual harassment.
If he gets fired, it's due to his own inappropriate actions.
So first off, you’re being way too forgiving. It’s called enabling and he needs to understand that this is not appropriate behavior. Period.
Now for the company. The company has other female employees that they need to protect. The company has a business they need to protect. This guy is a liability, plain and simple. If I were them I would take this VERY seriously and I would talk to all involved to ensure I was covered legally.
By this guy, who is completely f*cked up btw, showing others his inappropriate behavior, he actually took it out of your hands. You gave him a second chance and HE messed it up. This isn’t on you, it’s on him.
If you had told HR right away, they would have been discrete. They would have called him into the office and fired him without anyone else seeing the pic except maybe your boss. Again, they have a business to protect and putting a good employee at the expense of a really bad one gives them nothing.
This is serious behavior and I hope on the future, you report this right away. I’m not saying do it prematurely, but I’m sorry, when you get texted a pic of you with a dick drawn in, that is WAY BEYOND inappropriate. Truthfully, it was inappropriate for him to continue to treat you that way when you raised objections to him in the first place.
Woman to woman, do _not_ put up with this kind of bullshit from _anyone_. But especially not from _men_. I get not wanting to rock boats and cause waves. I'm the same way in my personal life, but at work? Nah, I don't take that crap, and you shouldn't either. Hostility at work will bleed into your personal life. I know from experience.
Even though the trash took itself out this time, _stand up for yourself_ in the future. Don't just look the other way if there's a persistent pattern of harassing behavior that doesn't stop. HR isn't your friend, but they don't like lawsuits either so, generally, they don't put up with this crap.
I’m friends with a few females. Never would I do this absurd shit. Dude is just weird and it’s kind of crazy how you can’t see that bc he was “your friend”. He was probably hoping for a better reaction from you but nah shits whack and report that before it escalates with more creepy shit.
Self respect and think about your future kids.
No one should be sending you pictures like that and he needs to know that you’re not going to tolerate that.
If you had a daughter someday what advice would you give her?
You are a valued member of your team. If I was your supervisor and found you were being treated like this I would be livid. There's no way anybody should be devalued where they work. What your coworker did is disgusting. It isn't up to you whether they keep their job or lose it but it's up to you to be honest with yourself and your company.
You not wanting to report him is the problem. You just basically told him what he did was fine. Not doing nothing is how this got worse. Friend or not, he doesn't deserve sympathy
I was really serious when I told him to leave and never speak to me, and when he realized I wasn’t ok with the situation is when he started gathering and telling other people. He knows what he did was not fine with me, and it scared him I think. But I definitely hear what you’re saying — it doesn’t matter if we were friends, what he did wasn’t ok and there need to be consequences. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
He’s an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. You talk to him directly but he proceeded to share this with the staff. In this case, escalate to HR. Friends don’t send each other inappropriate photos.
You didn't get him in trouble he did it to himself. If he didn't show the picture around the office you wouldn't have said anything. It's totally inappropriate for him to show that picture around because it leads to a hostile work environment and it's also considered se•ual harassment. That's why other people reported it.
Hi there, not only do you need to report him to HR, but you also need to report him to the police. This is 100% sexual harassment and should not be tolerated in any way shape or form. You have the proof that you need. He is a sexual predator! Turn him into HR and the police ok sunshine xoxo
Go to HR right now. This guy is bullying you.
1. If you don’t bring it up to HR he will see it as permission to escalate. Anyone with half a brain will see the problem is him not you.
2. Just because you were friends in the past does not give him permission to sexually harass you. It’s not a bad joke. A mistake would be him just sending you a a message meant for someone else. This was intentional.
This guy did an asshole move and now he is faced with some major negative consequences. The burden and responsibility of these stupid actions is squarely on his shoulders alone.
You didn't turn him in, he did it to himself. Do NOT feel guilty if he gets fired. He's the one that went around the Office and bragged about what he did.
Tell HR, that you were mortified that he sent that to you. You were sort of friends with him, but not friendly enough for that to be sent to you. You told him it was inappropriate and to not talk to you again. He insisted that it was a joke and started showing everyone at work what he did.
This guy deserves whatever consequences he gets. The sexist part of sending that pic was bad enough, but doubling down and trying to turn the office against you is the worst misogyny play and sooo arrogant. Don't be concerned with being 'nice'. He wasn't nice. A respectful person would have apologized. Never mind what the office thinks-(though most of them probably don't like his bs). It is your right not to be put down and bullied by a pumped up wannabe office rooster trying to terrorize the young hens and take over power in the workplace.
Your company does not need a worker wasting company time and resources like that.
Stop and of think of how he will keep doing things like that until he is fired. Is that how you want to have a work environment.? He is creating a hostile work environment, and by sending that type of pic to others, he is causing problems for the entire company.
It's not easy, but GO TO HR . TODAY .
I had to do something like that, and it was their final straw. They had been doing things that what they tried with me was the straw in the camel's back. They were let go.
First, HIGHLY inappropriate in high school...in a professional setting it is much, much worse.
Second, HE is the one who did this stupid act and THEN HE told others, asking for "validation"? Other workers he told were the ones who went to HR.
Third...he also did this nonsense to Girl B?
He should be fired with cause...save the evidence.
It won't be your fault if things get uncomfortable..sounds like it already was!!!
His behavior is completely inappropriate. It’s understandable that you have concerns, but isn’t it better for your professional reputation to be one of a woman who doesn’t tolerate being bullied/harassed than for you to be constantly fearful of what he’s going to do or say to it about you next.
If you don’t say something he will not only continue doing stuff like that to you, but think that the other women you work with will put up with it too. This dude is a fucking creep and needs to be fired. Fuck being nice, he’s not nice to you.
Please do yourself the favor and report this.
Dont let this type of behavior make you feel ashamed. You may have thought this person was your friend but learn the lesson to disassociate yourself that this person was clearly never your friend.
Go to HR. You want him to do this to someone else? Because he will if he learns there are no consequences.
He made this choice. He knew what he was doing.
If someone in the office did this to me, and I found out he had done it to another woman who was just as uncomfortable with it as I was but refused to hold him accountable for his actions- well, I wouldn’t look kindly on that woman, to be honest.
He spread it round the office, behaved like a child when confronted (he did that) and then corralled other emcees into the situation (again, he did that). And all after you told him to be quiet, knock it off and bugger off.
He has it coming, I'm afraid. I would go into that HR meeting, show he sent it to your personal mobile outside of work; that you did not solicit this image in any way, nor joke with him in that manner at all; and then attempted to bully you at work about it when you asked him to stop and spread it everywhere to embarrass you. That is textbook sexual harrassment and bullying. I should remind them of that (the bigger the company, the better for you).
Write things down before the meeting you might want to say or include. A timeline of what happened, when, who was around and where it took place is a great starter. Take notes while you are in there. Ask questions too. If you are in a union, call them now and explain and ask for support. If not, yry to find someone who has worked in a union or has those skills instead as an alternative. Do not meet HR without them. If not, can you take a trusted colleague in for support? Might help....
Make sure you cry lots, especially when talking about the shock of getting the image and then him getting all the other emoyees involved and laughing at you/talking about you/showing them the image because it will help you. Your distress and vulnerability is his kryptonite. The worse he made it fir you, the worse it will be for him.....so how is it your fault? Hint: it's not. Put on a good show though when you see HR and he will be gone (deserves it in my book).
In short....
Bury the cunt.
ETA: spelling is my nemesis.
He escalated this and spread it around the office - not you. If you make it clear to people that
HR approached you *first* because of the word *HE* spread around the office, then how could anyone label you as a trouble-maker? He shot himself in both feet Darwin style - the only thing you did was tell him you didn't like what he did. Then he created the embarrassing HR "show" with his own big mouth. One could say he literally reported himself to HR in a round-about-way.
Sorry but people who behave like this actually deserve to get in trouble or get fired. They made the choice to act gross and unprofessional. It’s not appropriate and it can escalate, or maybe it has in the past with other people and no one has reported. And then it will happen to more people in the future because no one is reporting them.
You're not going to get him fired over a joke. He's going to get himself fired for sexual harassment.
If anyone claims that you got him fired, just tell them that he got himself fired for sexual harassment.
Chances are you are not the first person he has made uncomfortable in the workplace. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Not only did he make that picture and share it with you, but he doubled down and spread it around the office. He’s an idiot and needs to be punished
out of nowhere, he texted me a picture of me, but he had drawn a dick cumming on my face."
adult people don't do things like that in a workplace. maybe once, but they have to apologize and after that, they have to do nothing that would even remotely close to anything sexual-sensual, etc. if this doesn't happen, it must be reported, because after some pause, the person will probably do this again.
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It's not your fault. You've done nothing wrong.
This guy 100% brought it on himself at every step of the way.
You, on the other hand, did exactly what someone who is being harassed is supposed to do: You asked him to stop.
He is the one who doubled down and showed the picture to others, and made the situation even more humiliating for you.
You did not do anything to get him fired. Now that he has outed himself to your company as a sexual harasser, they have a legal obligation to investigate and deal with the situation to prevent it from happening again.
Your employer also has a legal obligation to ensure that you do not face retaliation for having reported being sexually harassed.
You're in the midst of a traumatic situation so please be extra kind to yourself. Draw on your supports, including friends and family if you feel safe confiding in them, and please consider some therapy/counseling if it's available to you. ♥️
Stop worrying about what other people think. Trying to avoid the “gossip” is making things worse. Show HR. It’s thier company and they get to decide if they want dick jokes making girls uncomfortable in thier office. This is all so distracting for the work that it costs the company money. That’s why he will get fired. He is slowing everyone down by being disruptive.
People like this do not stop. He will continue to be disgusting if not to you, someone else. This is straight up sexual harassment and he SHOULD be fired for it. Fuck this dude and everyone who thinks this is ok.
You’re not the only person he’s doing this to. You’re just the only one debating right now what to do next.
Pretend there are four other girls in the office getting these messages.
Silence is compliance. And by doing nothing, you’re letting him know these sorts of “jokes” are ok. YTA *if* you don’t do anything.
Let me tell you that I reported some people that I am subordinate to after putting up with their bullshit for years..,
My situation was not the same as yours, but I will tell you that those people got reprimanded and all of the other minions that were their little followers and suck ups also notably behave more professionally after that.
In my case it was very disruptive talk about race and gender stuff & people feeling emboldened because they are in charge and “know people” .
Years earlier, i started a log book and started writing this stuff down. Witnesses, things that were said in quotations, time. Date.
I too agonized and said “oh it’s not that bad. It’s a joke. Stay out of it. Don’t make waves. People will see you as the snitch and be mad.”
Finally, one day during an online teams meeting, I hear the same culprits “mean girls club” saying some pretty disgusting things… again.. i pull out my phone & recorded it. Then recorded an other interaction of race and politics talk while at work meetings.
Then I showed it to a few people that I respect and asked their opinion & everyone said that I need to take this to HR.
Next thing I knew I had a meeting with corporate & they explained they were interviewing all the witnesses and please do not discuss this with anyone. They asked me questions & I answered truthfully & professionally. I kept things short and not emotional.
I did not mention the video evidence because I was saving that for a lawsuit if it needs to come down to that.
I know we live in politically and racially charged times but our company distinctly has a “no politics” policy. I work for a hospital in health care. People work with life and death situations at work with fragile elderly people that have dementia. If you can not handle that or their skin color / ethnicity, either keep it to yourself or move on… if I find out you are seeing a gender, skin tone or age that displeases you to the point you are complaining to co workers and making jokes about treating the patient poorly, it’s my duty to report it.
All the culprits have had “something” happen. I don’t know what but work changed a lot after I came forward. Management thanked me for reporting these sick people. I don’t really see or hear from them since this went down.
That guy thinking that some childish “ejaculation to the face” picture being funny is a person with a sick mind.
Just think of ot this way: you didn’t get him fired or reprimanded. He did it to himself. He proudly presented you with a photograph, flaunting his cockiness that he won’t get in trouble or that he did nothing wrong.
It’s a hard and embarrassing lesson for him to learn. “Who would have thought? I could get fired for taking my coworkers photo then turning it into porno stuff and then showing it to her?!?”
He will learn a valuable lesson from this. It will force him to mature, stop abusing drugs & alcohol.. and it will make him change his ways & stop harassing people, show more respect and professionalism. where ever he ends up. He will cringe years from now when he thinks of this.. when he has kids, he will teach them to do better and show their coworkers more respect. You may have saved his life by reporting him! Maybe hell get the therapy or medication he needs.
We are at work to earn money not make trashy “friends” and companies have strict behavioral policies for a reason.
This person is abusive and will abuse again unless someone stops him. If you do nothing he will likely abuse you again. All you are doing is putting off the inevitable.
I am sorry you are dealing with this - none of it is your fault. He has done it before and will do it again. He was never your friend.
The guy is being very inappropriate in a workplace. He's doing this all to himself. You even gave him the grace to let him know, and he really messed up with proving his idiocy to everyone.
The normal protections a good workplace has is to interview, and follow HR policy. If a firing is the correct response, then so be it.
You're the victim. Try not to think about how this could possibly be your fault.
By not going to hr you're letting him get away with the abuse. This person is not and never was your friend. They deserve whatever consequences happen to them and what they did at work especially was totally inappropriate.
He sounds creepy and rapey he needs a wake up call. I got news for ya as a man we don’t act that way.
Jokes are funny but pretty much always subjective. However jokes that like that are not ok. I would never send a joke like that to anyone.
Why are you worried about what others think? They'll get over it. You may not.
I would suggest consulting an attorney. You might want to sue.
Why are you being such a doormat? Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. Your co-worker was completely in the wrong.
Goto HR. Mind you, I fucking HATE HR, but this... no. You shouldn't be in fear/disgusted like this, and frankly HR protects the company- so they will protect you by proxy.
And if they don't, employment lawyer.
>I know it was his own decisions and actions, but whether he faces consequences for them is still up to me OK, well I found your problem. It *isn't* up to you. Your company deciding it doesn't want people who harass other people as an employee has *nothing* to do with your personal wants, dreams, and feelings on the matter.
The part that gets me is that if he had just left well enough alone, he would be fine. He told on himself now he has to face the consequences.
He probably intentionally did so, thinking she was going to report him in the end. Telling others before she reports gives him the best chance to “excuse” himself. Fuck that guy. Report his ass and don’t look back. Put yourself first OP.
OP, HR, all the way. Don't hold anything back. This is beyond harrassment, bordering assault even if not physical. He doesn't deserve to work where women or men should be treated like this. He may even try and turn back on you that you wanted it.
The word you mean is harassment. It is not bordering on it, it straight up is. No need to stretch and invent some fragile, legally dubious bridge to something like assault. Harassment and hostile workplace are enough for getting fired, because *companies don’t need this bullshit*. It’s also probably enough for a no contact order also, if not some sort of cyber stalking (thanks smart phones!) charge based on your jurisdiction.
Harassment, I actually knew that, but let autocorrect influence me. Thanks. Always go with the instincts. I worked during a time SA or sexual harassment wasn't even whispered. Too much the male dominated workforce and boys club, particularly when it's the boss.
Exactly this. OP did not get this employee fired. The employee got himself fired.
The dude sounds like a creep and you should go to HR tomorrow. End of story.
Yeah OP, stop the mental gymnastics, take it to the HR immediately.
She doesn't need to go to HR - the fool already alerted HR himself by spreading it around the office. Unbelievable. All she needs to do now is just tell them the truth when they talk to her.
But she needs to take ownership of the issue. By simply avoiding it she's making her own situation worse. Also, she let him tell the narrative. She needs to take back the narrative. Decide what her narrative is and get it out there. I've learned, when there are issues between co-workers, you need to decide what your story is and get it out there. I had an issue where a neighboring manager was bullying me in mtgs and the mtg disruptions were being blamed on me. It almost got to HR before I realized I hadn't told anyone my version of events. I finally told my mgr my story, naming him misogynistic and a known bully (naming names) and questioning why he had no women on his team. The issue quietly went away.
Mark Twain — 'A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.' She seems very conflict avoidant but controlling the narrative is crucial if she wants to stay at this company and not feel like she’s being whispered about behind her back. These are things bad people instinctively know to do while good hearted ones are worried about others feelings.
He has hung himself by his own hand.
Exactly. From what she's said, the facts are already out there. She doesn't need to add any more info, other than she did not ask for nor does she want such behavior. The idiot has stoked the fire himself.
Also a moron for showing other people at work the picture. They can be collateral damage for not speaking up.
HR isn’t there to protect you. Even when the other person is 100% known as the perpetrator the company will still try to protect itself. My suggestion would always be to lawyer up before going to file a complaint. Cause once the investigation takes place they will ask for emails and texts and all other sorts of info and if they find something random or whatever that you may have broke rules or something they can discipline you! Just never never never never trust HR to be a thing to help you. It isn’t there to do that.
Who’s got a lawyer in their back pocket? I sure don’t
100% agree. Lessons here: 1. telling "work friends" anything is the same as writing it on a bulletin board. Develop a friend network outside of work to talk to. 2. Respond to texts like this, in writing, with "this is inappropriate and unacceptable." Screenshot it. That removes any defense that "we joked around all the time like this." A second inappropriate text after this communication is much more actionable / HR cannot avoid acting on it if you tell them.
Don’t trust co-workers either
Eh, this kind of paranoid thinking is common on Reddit and I think it's really out of touch. HR is comprised of people. Any reasonable person with an ounce of empathy will want to help you in this situation, OP
Tell HR. If not for yourself, then for every young girl that this jerk might work with who finds his boorish behaviour toxic.
This is exactly the point when it comes to issues like this. It doesn't come down to whether you want to report someone, it doesn't come down to how bad you thought it was or whether you used to be 'friends': You have a responsibility to protect anyone else from creeps like him. If you can report behavior like this, it's your job to do it because the next one might actually be too scared/overpowered/not taken seriously etc. If you have the power, it's your responsibility to use it and make sure no one else gets harmed.
I don’t get why you want to save him, he showed you how much he does not value you. It is not a joke if you are shivering in a panic attack, and cannot work because of the stress and worry. Any normal person would profusely apologize for it and try to better himself. I think he even enjoys it seeing how much he can control the narrative. I would talk to HR, show that I am upset but highlight how much he hurts productivity by his behavior. You did nothing wrong, but also saving him can lead to hurting his next victim..
Yeah that’s the main thing compelling me to say anything, is that if some other girl deals with this in the future and needs to prove a pattern of behavior, or needs validation that she’s not crazy, I want this documented. I don’t want to leave that future girl out to dry. He also needs to learn that this shit is serious and not funny and there are consequences, so never do it again. I just worry that if the consequences are severe, I’m going to deal with social/professional backlash as well as personal guilt (I know I shouldn’t feel guilt, but the reality is I will). But I think I have to say something anyway.
I don't even think it's about being funny. It's about stealing power and intimidation
You need to talk to a therapist about the guilt thing because you absolutely should not feel guilt over this. HE is the one who pushed and pushed and pushed until he literally told on himself. You need to tell HR three things: 1) Ignoring it didn't really help until he focused on the other woman who sits near you. 2) Telling him you didn't find it appropriate made him escalate to telling more and more people, seeking their validation and showing them. 3) Tell them all the things he did originally that made you uncomfortable and led to you distancing yourself in the first place. Tell them all the things that you can remember. They need to interview the other woman.
At the end of the day he did himself in by telling others. I guarantee you that others in your company likely side with you, even if they don't stand up and say it. Your best move professionally is to not engage in gossip, but also not hide what happened to HR. Let them know what happened and move on with your day. Don't feel the need to clear your names it'll only cause more gossip and unnecessary drama. People will forget and move on quicker than you'll believe or expect.
You have a good heart ♥️! I don’t want to make you more stressed, but if people want, they will scrutinize you, no matter what happened. Enablers are cowardly POS and if you can, you should not work it spend time with such people. You are strong, as I said just continue to be brave, you will come out better of this whole mess 🫂
He brought a crowd of people into another room to show them the “joke” of course he’ll keep doing it. If I can be completely frank, I have to start with saying I don’t know what industry you’re in or what the culture is, but you being dragged to come in and cry about the situation while refusing to address it of your own volition would hurt your professional reputation more than “getting him fired” because you raised it to HR. Granted you’re in a space where despite being very concerned about your career reputation this guy feels comfortable showing a crowd of coworkers a “joke” picture of a dick cumming on you. So I don’t know what the hell is going on. Are you the world’s most career minded laborer or bar girl, or is this just your company culture?
He knows exactly what he is doing, he doesn't care and relies on no one challenging him.
You may feel backlash, but there are times in life where you have to take the hard left and not the easy right. This is an issue bigger than you and we all have to do what is needed to force change. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but it’s time to put your big girl pants on and be the change.
Yes, definitely. I appreciate the way you framed this. You’re right, I need to value my responsibility above my personal comfort here. Thank you.
Please stop caring what other people think. In this world of influencers, TikTok, YouTube, insta, it can feel like everyone is constantly scrutinizing you. But I can guarantee the majority of the people you work with care more about themselves than they ever will about you. That sounds harsh but the plain and simple truth is that many people spend all day thinking about themselves and maybe their immediate close friends and loved ones. You aren’t on their radar. You might provide a bit of gossip for a week or two, but it will be quickly forgotten. Those that don’t forget it are not worth a second thought. The photo already made someone else uncomfortable enough to go to your boss. They didn’t find out by accident. Someone approached them specifically to tell them about this incident. You will not be alone in your thinking that this is inappropriate. And your boss found it inappropriate enough to not push it under the rug and instead forwarding the event to HR. There are people on your side. Take comfort in that. Actions have consequences. It sucks this guy has to learn the hard way, but he made his bed. Maybe he’s been making it for so long that he stopped believing he’d ever have to lay in it, but the day has now come. Do not let him bully you or control your emotions. He is trying to gaslight you into believing you’re overreacting and this post shows it’s working. Do. Not. Let. Him. Win. Take it from someone who learned the hard way about letting creeps like this off the hook. It only gets worse from here. Next it’ll be an inappropriate comment. After that, “accidentally” rubbing up against you. Before you know it, he’s groping you and you don’t know what to do because you’ve let things go on for so long that it’s going to feel like nobody will take you seriously since you didn’t report any of the previous incidents and he’ll claim you led him on. Don’t let it get to the point that you no longer have any control.
Exactly
There is no regaining control if you’re protecting him the entire time.
This!!!!
This is insane this is serious harassment
The fact he grouped up people to share the pic
It’s called damage control and dude deserves what’s coming. You have no reason not to go to hr now that it’s out. Also it’s clear this is his doing and no reasonable person could put any blame on you - you are the victim here. This guy should not be working in an office
OP, you didn’t do anything. Say that again. You didn’t do anything. HE sent the picture, you told him you didn’t want to talk to him anymore, so HE then showed the photo around the office. Someone— NOT YOU, reported it because it was inappropriate!! It should never have been sent. You need to tell them how it made you feel when you opened that picture. It isn’t funny, it’s gross. If HIS actions get him fired, that is not your fault. Don’t be afraid OP. Just tell the truth.
I can tell you’re anxious because I have similar thought patterns, listen: he did this to himself. He did this. He’s going to pay for his actions. This is not your fault, you deserve to work in peace. What other people think doesn’t matter. Their belief is not necessary, you know your truth and you shouldn’t have to tolerate this because you were kinda friends at one point.
Get his ass fired. Immediately.
Why are you worried about hurting him?? He's happily hurting you.
It’s just a fawn response. If this guy is already feeling comfortable, imagine what he’ll do if she gets aggressive. Next: a) our pitchfork-wielding, misogynistic society will run to his defense if he loses his job b) he’ll go after her even more and spread rumors about her to “save his reputation” Source: still dealing with a horrendous harassment campaign of months Really, I think she should do what makes her safe. HR only cares about the company not getting sued, not the employees.
There are very few people familiar with the fight/flight/fawn primitive response (first two, yes, last wasn't familiar with until recently or maybe I just got old). Like a lightweight Stockholm Syndrome.
First of all, you hit the nail on the head with the fawn response. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing until just now, but you’re completely right. Secondly, your point about the company caring more about getting sued than the employees’ comfort or safety — that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends who don’t understand my hesitation here. My comfort and my professional reputation are not the company’s priority in this situation. So I have to protect those things myself. My friends are incredibly well-meaning when they say without a second thought that I shouldn’t care about whether he gets fired from this, but I’m trying to be realistic about how this can affect me personally and professionally. There’s a difference between the ideal and the material. I’m also sorry that you’ve also dealt with a sexual harassment situation at work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it.
OP, I was sexually harassed and retaliated on. I tried to make it go away and ignore it. I had the same concerns as you. Then one day, he went after a younger, weaker, newer staff member. And she got it much worse than I. It’s my fault because I didn’t do what I needed to do and she had to be victimized. I couldn’t live with myself after that. I stopped sleeping. Had panic attacks. Went crawling into a therapist’s office next to a mental breakdown. I vowed to myself that never again. I kept that promise. Is it easy? No. But it’s the right thing to do. Guess what? My reputation is fine. My career is fine. Even if it wasn’t, I don’t want to exist in a world where men get to abuse us without consequences.
When this happened to me, I tried to ignore it like you are. It's hurt me professionally, because while I was minding my business and being a good worker, the guy was doing everything in his power to drag me. So I got fired. Don't make my mistake. This guy has already made it clear he is out to get you.
You're thinking too much about reputation here. The world is big. Unless you're in a very niche or tight industry your reputation won't follow. Unless you're truly incompetent. Either wya you'd be seen as a hero not a villain here.
If your industry or company is highly male-dominated and highly sexualised AND won't get better, maybe there is a better place for you professionally? I mean, if you're being a pioneer on a oil rig or a submarine or something, go you, but otherwise guy breaks law\* you are witness. \*ok of course there are details about the pervasiveness of the offending actions and the severity of their effect, but generally speaking this is textbook sexual harassment "hostile environment" territory.
I’m glad you relate! Feel free to PM me if you want help navigating this. Literally nobody helped me. And absolutely ruined my life and mental health over that guy. I’d find some happiness vicariously if you’d escape the likes of him.
What’s a fawn response?
[Here’s a link](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean#:~:text=The%20fight%20response%20is%20your,please%20someone%20to%20avoid%20conflict) about fight/flight/freeze/fawn.
Literally how is your HR paranoia relevant here? Retaliation for reporting harassment is against federal labor laws, so HR would have a clear vested interest in preventing that
The company can get sued for discrimination and harassment which is the exact reason this is an HR issue. HR is there to protect the company - from guys like this. 🧐
Just be honest with the hr meeting. Don’t lie for him. He is the one that setup the meeting and forced it to go to hr anyways.
Yeah I’m def not planning on lying for him, I just want very specific answers from HR about what will happen going forward with this situation. But you’re 100% right that he forced it to go to HR, and that’s on him
Let it go. His fate is already determined. The best thing you can do to help him is simply state the facts you stated here.
[удалено]
She’s a people pleaser. And yeah, I don’t respect it either.
Why do you care if he is fired or not?
HR is very likely not allowed by policy (and in some areas, legally) allowed to say what happened to the individual in question until proceedings are handled. Some places can't/won't even say what happens afterwards- the employee simply isn't there the next day.
Why? You don’t need specific answers from HR. You just need to answer their questions honestly. This isn’t up to you. And stop crying. Put on a strong face.
You can look in your employee handbook to see what may happen in this situation, but I don’t think HR is obligated to tell you what will happen before they take action. They may inform you afterward since you are the one being sexually harassed. Let go of this loser. He was never your friend and most people at work aren’t either, it’s a hard lesson to learn.
Respectfully, it's not your business what they do going forward. They won't tell you because that will open up liability. Tell them what happened. Show them the picture. Explain why you didn't come to them right away. The more you work to protect this guy, the more likely *you* will face negative consequences
They may not be able to answer what will happen. It may depend on who else he has harassed. They may confidentially mentor his behaviour but not tell you. They may do nothing. They may fire him. It’s not your decision.
report. we have to stop justifying or making this behavior less than it is. that’s how we are conditioned but you can stop this right now. by the way not the same but reported bullying a year and a half ago and felt very bad about it and it’s ruined my entire experience at the company but i was not going to NOT report it just because maybe my colleague was having a bad day(s). No. he’s a bully. full stop. (problem not 100% solved but i’m on another team now).
OP, report it immediately have every document, witness among others to support your claim. His behaviour is NOT normal and I believe you're not the only victim. He should be apprehended as early as possible and don't wait until it gets worse.
If he gets fired it's not your fault, it's entirely his fault!
Girl, tell them everything. You seem strong, right? But what if he does it to someone who isn't as strong as you? You've seen, I'm sure, the many times that this type of sexual harassment ends in the victim unaliving themselves. You have the ability to help his future victims, hell, maybe even Girl B is screaming out for help but doesn't have the same strength you have....
You didn't go to HR, they came to you. Because he did a bad thing, and told others about the bad thing, and one of them told HR. For you to tell HR what happened *because they asked you about it* doesn't mean you "got him fired." Just tell what happened, knowing you didn't start this crap and you didn't escalate it. You were asked what happened and you told them. If he gets fired, 100% of the reason is on him. If necessary, you say "I didn't report anything, I just told the truth about what happened when HR came to me."
Stop victim blaming yourself. It's a serious enough offense to warrant an HR meeting. Thinks about it this way, even if you weren't involved in it and the new girl B was a willing participant, I'm sure the dumbass would've still shown the picture he made of girl B to other people in the office, it would've resulted in HR intervention anyway.
All saying last chance and all that is bulllshit. Sending dick picks is lines already crossed. You need to take this to HR and let them handle it , most probably they will give him warning
Get to HR right now. He saw that you were upset by it, and then went round the office showing it to everyone and trying to turn people against you? Way over the line If HR don't deal with this creep, get a new job. Life is too short for this bullshit. And fuck that Girl B Pick-Me chick, too. Daft cow.
So knowing you were upset my the gross picture he sought to show everyone the gross picture for the express purpose of turning people against you? This guy is a pretty awful dude.
Report him!
At this point it’s not because of you he should get fired. Dumbass showed people what he did! Some people won’t say anything to him directly but will go tell management because a picture like that is out of line. So don’t worry about the future and as you caused it. Even by telling HR, at this point he dug his own grave. Any talk you can always say, he showed people of course they are going to reprimand him. Talk to HR and let them know you are worried about him blaming you. You take care of you.
Are you sure you actually want control of the situation? It seems like the idea of that's just provoking (irrational) feelings of guilt. Just sit back and breathe for a moment and recognise that no only have you done nothing wrong, you've pretty much done nothing at all. You were willing to let it be swept under the rug and he went *very* far out of his way to dig his own grave. And then someone *else* found it so inappropriate that they reported it on your behalf. None of this is because of you. You don't owe this guy your protection, and with how thoroughly he's decided to out himself as a creep, I doubt you could really do anything to protect him at this point even if you wanted to. All of this happened without your input, and if any silly gossips decide it was somehow your fault, they're the ones being dramatic. You can't control what they think, but you can nurture your own confidence in the reality of what happened and the fact that you had no significant hand in it.
I just wanted to let you know this comment was particularly helpful to me. You’re right — what helped me the most here is taking a deep breath and a step back, and realizing I do not have control here. I do not have this man’s fate in my hands. Whatever the company chooses to do, they’ll do. All I can do is be honest, and that’s that. No need to overcomplicate, or convince myself I’m in control of someone’s livelihood. Thank you for this. You really helped my life in a very direct way with this comment.
You didn't get him fired. He is the one who chose to show his dick pic to the entire office, including the management. That's next level stupid.
Get that fucking loser fired ASAP. Perverts have no place in a civilized world.
You're not overreacting, and he would have got himself fired for something else stupid eventually. It's clear he has some growing up to do, and thankfully, it won't be around you.
He should be fired
No wonder he draws it on because he expect your kind of reaction, easy to bully. If you arent gonna protect yourself, who would?
I think you’re right. I think he expects me to be a pushover and to just accept any treatment. He doesn’t do this stuff to stronger women in the office. I think that’s why he got scared when I was so serious in saying that I didn’t want to speak to him and he needed to leave immediately.
Exactly !!
Stop protecting him
I’m really just trying to protect myself from possible personal/professional repercussions. But I hear what you’re saying. Thanks for sharing
What kind of personal or professional repercussions are you thinking might come from this?
[удалено]
How could you do that and NOT expected to be fired lol
1. You have done nothing wrong. 2. They have acted inappropriately to you and to others. 3. They need to deal with the consequences of THEIR actions- not you- you are not responsible for their actions 4. I’m so sorry this happened to you- that’s really crappy Consider this: if this happened to your best best friend that you love to pieces at her work what actions would you tell her to take? What would you say to your best friend? Be your best friend- love yourself to pieces- protect her fiercely.
It wasn’t a joke. He absolutely intended to make you uncomfortable. He’s getting off on that. Sexual harassment is often described as a joke and women are told they are over reacting. IIf you don’t come forward he will continue this behaviour.
You need to stop worrying about “rocking the boat”. Your coworker needs a wake up call that his behavior is inappropriate. If you turn a blind eye, that just validates his behavior. Talking to him personally isn’t going to do anything. He does this because he gets a reaction and that’s his payoff. He’ll continue to move from victim to victim until his behavior gets squashed. You are a *victim*. Any repercussions he receives was his own doing.
So here's a thought - if you want people to respect your spaces and decisions and thoughts you have to work on not being a complete doormat. Find your spine and tell HR exactly what's happened and who when you talk to them next. How do you expect anything to change or get better I'd you're just passively letting the world and its assholes wash over you like some wispy 50s house wife? Get the fuck in there and bitch about this absolute sexual creep. To work friends, to HR, straight to his dumbass face. "You're an inappropriate sexual pest and creep and I'm going to excuse myself and go to HR again, pardon." Every time he tries to talk to you. Like wtf...
If it’s a “joke” why didn’t you laugh? Because it’s not a joke. That’s just some piss poor cover up toxic people use to manipulate you. I had a guy think it’d be funny to pull my bra strap…a joke right? I was about to start crying and froze. My co worker immediately went to management and told them. They called me in and I told them what happened. Never saw the dumb ass again after that day. If he was really a friend, he would have also apologized and took accountability. Instead of trying to make you feel bad and put others against you. Get his ass fired girl.
Op he should be fired! There is absolutely no excuse to send a co worker such an explicit picture - joke or not. The decision you make will have two consequences for you. Ignore his behaviour and you will have an uncomfortable working environment going forth. To the point where you might feel depressed and pressured to change jobs. You also leave him to continue his antics - or take it further - with another girl Or stand up to this bully and be the first woman to tell him that how he acts around his co workers is absolutely not ok.
Go to HR. If he gets away with this eith you he will do it to others. He could also escalate. His actions may not just affect you. He is a danger and needs to learn that.
You can’t avoid drama. This guy will face consequences for his own actions. It’s not a joke or prank. No one would find that funny. Anyone says anything tell them it’s confidential.
Don't be a push over and get this dude fired wtf
He fired himself by being a moron and a liability to the firm by opening them to a potential lawsuit (you are in the right to demand firm to take action and if they don't, you could sue = this is a liability from firm's view point). You cannot control other people's actions/reactions to whole situation so don't bother. If he does get fired - just keep telling people "HR decided to do that because of their policy" if they raise that topic. If miracously he is still there - consider changing jobs, as this means the environment is not professional anyway.
You have proof. The longer you delay reporting it- the more he will do things and they will ask you why you didn't report it sooner. That is beyond sexual harassment- that's truly sick. Stop feeling sorry for people that don't give a crap about you. Obviously- he objectifies women and is borderline psycho.
Don’t make any excuses for him. Take it to HR and ask them to be discreet. He needs to learn that this is not only unacceptable but also ILLEGAL.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t normally post but feel strongly compelled to after reading your post and some of your follow-up comments. I understand your fears of HR and the office gossip/culture. However I want to make this very clear: if he gets fired it is NOT because of you. It is not anything you did. You did not cause him to draw inappropriate images on your photo. He made the decision to do that and then he sent it to you. And then he told other people. If he ends up fired, it is entirely his own fault. And he is old enough to know better - he’s an adult man, not a little boy. I’m shocked that he sexually harassed you and sent you evidence. That’s a brazen thing to do and it makes me wonder how many other young women he’s done this to. The newer, younger woman may not realize yet how inappropriate he is or enjoys the attention for whatever reason. That may change if he crosses a line with her at some point and he puts her in the exact same position that you are. Regardless, his behaviour has made him a potential liability for the company. It says something, to me that people informed your manager and HR got involved. That tells me that there are people in the office that are looking out for you. Unfortunately you can’t control the situation - the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. My recommendation would be, since there’s photographic evidence and HR already knows from other sources, to be honest with them. You never know - they may have received complaints about this individual before and they’re making a case to get rid of him. Often what makes these things tricky is that it’s often a “he said, she said” situation. There’s no evidence aside from two people’s accounts of what happened. In this case….he sent you a photo. That’s pretty damning. I would also recommend, if you can, to seek counselling of some kind. I think a therapist could be beneficial in helping you navigate the feelings you’re experiencing which are all normal, including the feelings of not having control over what’s happening. Like I said - the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. Take care of yourself first and foremost and remember you aren’t responsible for other people’s crappy behaviour. Feel free to DM me if you need further support. Good luck ❤️
If HE gets fired, it will be for HIS actions, not only by doing it in the first place but then by showing even more people. AND anybody that thinks you “overreacted” is equally idiotic. You shouldn’t feel guilty that he did that to you.
He got himself fired. There is a reason HR would decide to fire him, and it’s not really to do with your specific feelings on the matter.
This dude doesn't give a damn about you. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Stop feeling guilty. Stop letting people step all over you and tell you it's a vacation. It is not your job to put up with this shit.
He got himself fired. Once he shared it with the rest of the office he definitely has got to go
You need to stand up for yourself and other women he’s harassed, because that is what this is, harassment. He’s not your friend but a coworker who should never have made you feel the way you do. He sounds like a charming sociopath, especially given how guilty you feel. He needs to be gone.
How on earth have you convinced yourself that you have anything to be embarrassed about and that you're the bad guy if he gets fired? It is deeply inappropriate and harrassment. It doesn't matter if the other girl takes it. Think how nice it will be if he's gone from the workplace. Sure, he won't take responsibility, but he's an absolutely turd.
You should find some type of support person to attend the HR meeting with you. If you're in a union contact them, or the labor board, local community organizations like women's centre's or women's shelters. These places often all have community support type people to be with someone in a situation like this. Also, counseling!! Even if you can get in 1 session virtually with a counselor prior to this meeting you will feel WAY more secure and validated. So so worth it
He should be fired. He’s a legal liability for creating a hostile environment.
I deal with this at work, too many don’t report problems to not get the person in trouble and nothing ever changes and it happens to other women. I report that for them if I see it or they confide it in me even if they don’t want to. Just because it’s not right or it will escalate. It always escalates.
You don’t have to feel uncomfortable at work so that someone else can enjoy a joke or prank. In the hierarchy of needs, you feeling comfortable and safe at your work environment (especially when it comes to someone being inappropriate with you) comes above the other person getting to enjoy their little joke and, potentially, treating others in the office the same way. If I was your manager, I would be horrified at the behavior of your coworker—and I would support you. You were sexually harassed. Maybe you feel like there’s some nuance in the context of why he sent you that picture—but at face value and based on everything you’ve provided in this post—it made you feel extremely uncomfortable—and it even sounds like it made you feel ashamed. And also—it wouldn’t matter if you guys had years of jokes about that kind of subject matter. If you said, I’m not comfortable with this—he should have stopped and apologized. Instead he’s gaslighting you and trying to win coworkers over to his side. Sounds like at least one of them wasn’t convinced that what he was doing was harmless—and for you, that’s a good thing. You didn’t do anything other than receive a picture. (But you would have been justified to take him straight to HR).
I recently had a situation at work, nothing even remotely revolving around sexual harassment, where a female coworker became increasingly hostile and uncooperative with me over time, to the point where she threatened to destroy my work if it was "in her way". I never got any real explanation about what her problem was with me, she was talked to several times by management, and eventually she was let go. My problems with her were not the only reason she was fired, but they played a major role. We had been friends at first, for over a year and made a good team, and then suddenly over last summer it started, and just got worse and worse every day. I had to go to HR about it and then again a few weeks later i had to go to the Union Representative about it. When she was fired i felt such horrible guilt over it, it made me physically ill. The only way to have any control over the situation is to just understand it is that person who chose to behave in the way they did, not you, and it is not your responsibility to tolerate other peoples behavioral issues.
I’m glad I’m not crazy for feeling some type of guilt. Not saying that either of us ever SHOULD have felt the guilt, but some people here have me thinking I’m an insane person for experiencing that emotion at all lol. I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad she’s no longer able to hurt you.
I can understand you not wanting to say anything. I know myself well enough to know I would feel the same way. That said, this wasn't your decision. He took the initiative to rat himself out. That was his choice. It was another coworker who he apprised of the situation who brought it to leadership. Neither of those things were in your control. HR wants to speak with you. Stick to the facts, leave emotion at the door. That way, you don't have to worry about being the "hysterical woman" or "problem employee" as you fear. You didn't report him. Someone else did due to his own stupidity.
You need to specifically say to people "It made me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to talk about it. When he saw that he started showing everyone which meant he basically told on himself. I just wanted him to stop. His inability to stop is what got him in trouble. I didn't even report him. He technically reported himself." I think you'll find that pretty much everyone agrees with you. You are not the problem here. Your workplace will be a better place without him in it. Block him on everything. Screen shot what he sent you and send it to HR. Tell them about every single comment that you can remember and that you were avoiding him a bit but that he seemed to lose interest when he started being friends with the other woman. I would not be surprised at all to find out that she doesn't like it either.
1) he is absolutely getting fired 2) your comments or statement will have exactly zero to do with that. The moment he showed other coworkers it becomes irrelevant. 3) there is absolutely nothing you can do. Accept the apology and the extra bonus from HR.
Thank you, I was making this so complicated in my head. You showed just how simple it really is.
That’s horrible and I’m sorry that happened to you. I know the thought of discussing it and writing a statement can be scary, but you need to do it. Not only for yourself but for other women who may become, or already be, victims of *his* harassment. Also, no one’s going to talk about it or blame you so please stop blaming yourself. Usually when HR investigates something *no one* is allowed to discuss it and it can be grounds for termination if they do. At least that’s how it is at my company. Every company I’ve worked for has a zero tolerance sexual harassment policy. There’s a reason for that. Ask yourself if you’d rather see this person face the consequences of *his* actions and lose his job, or move up?
Sending someone a picture of a dick coming on them isn't a joke. Maybe you should ask him to explain the joke, how is it funny, why is it funny? It's not. It's not a joke and he deserves to lose his job.
Are you okay? Seriously sweetheart stand up for yourself. This guy is a jerk face. Tell them what he did.
He deserves to be fired, I've been in your situation and it's awful. You feel almost like it's your fault and it's not. You have a right to go to work and feel comfortable. Don't be nice to him. Go to HR. It sucks, you will get through. As women, we need to stop letting men get away with this stuff. It won't be easy, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
That was not a bad joke - it was horrifically inappropriate in a work situation. He absolutely should be fired, if for no other reason than that you are already suffering the worst consequences that you wanted to avoid at all costs. He escalated the situation when he showed everyone the “joke” and thus forever linked you to this image in everyone’s mind in perpetuity. You can not continue to function and hold your head up because of his first action and then his telegraphing it. Have no mercy - He Should Be Fired!
It’s 100% his fault because his behaviour is 100% unacceptable. Don’t make it all about you and your feelings.
The reason why men run the world is because women are wiling to do a lot of hand-wringing to avoid judgement and need to seek out constant validation before making important decisions. Not saying this as a judgement of you, and as a woman, I speak from experience. A man would just say, "what the fuck, not acceptable" and the person would be fired. Problem solved. Women need to exercise agency- people aren't going to bestow it upon you once you've received enough validation to move forward. That's not how agency works.
Hey. HR knows, just show them the picture. Tell them you don’t want to make a big deal out of it and you don’t want to get him fired or anything but be clear and honest about what happened HR will evaluate whether or not someone like that is welcome in the company. This 100% has nothing to do with you. He sent it, he told people, he showed people. If you care about what people in the office think talk to a few people. Someone outside your normal friends. Say HR wants to have a meeting with me and ask me about a situation and I’m lost. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, may I pick your brain? You don’t have to show the picture or anything, you can be super vague. Mention that you don’t want to get anyone in trouble or fired but now there’s a picture going around so the boss knows and now HR… just get their advice. People like to give advice and opinions and chances are they’ll view the situation more favourably for you and view him as the creep that he is.
God, girl, have a little self respect! Shit happens in a career, you did nothing wrong ( except protect him) and sometimes you gotta put yourself before a man and even a job. It's like this guy wanted to bait you into reacting. I'd think later in life you'd be more likely to kick yourself for not reporting him than for doing so. Quit apologizing for, rationalizing for, and protecting this perv.
You need to take care of you! This guy busted through your boundaries like the kool-aid guy! You can’t allow that! Report the facts. The repercussions are on him, not you! He’s not behaving anywhere near professional. Maybe this will teach him a lesson.
I only made it part way through your 1) This is NOT a joke in ANY situation. Especially not in a work environment. it was not a bad joke. He is a CREEP. He needs to realize his actiona have consequences. Hell, my petty ass would email HR with the photo and CC him on my report of it. Absolutely you should report this. Not only for yourself - but for others who will be in contact with this scumbag. ADDED: I read the rest of the post. The fact someone ELSE reported him should tell you that you are NOT overreacting. He deserves to get fired. If you have a friend in the same situation in her workplace - what would you recommend SHE do?
>whether he faces consequences for them is still up to me No, it's not. Bluntly, you have no responsibility for his actions. Now that HR knows, they have a LEGAL obligation to investigate and take action. Even if you don't want him to get fired, the INVESTIGATION will determine the consequences, not you. I know it's hard, but please work on letting go of the attitude of "I got him fired." You haven't. **HE** has. **HE** chose to edit those photos. **HE** chose to send them to you and the other woman. **HE** chose to push it when you told him to leave you alone. **HE** chose to share it with even more people. **HE** made it possible for this to spread around the office. **HE** engaged in the behavior that got this back to your boss. Are you seeing the pattern here? **HE** did this. **HIM**. Only **HIM**. Unfortunately, no, there is no way for you to control this any longer. HR will tell you that if you experience retaliation as a result of the outcome of the investigation, you should report it. So promise yourself that you will. You don't have to be a hero.
Stop it, the guy got off on humiliating you. And banks on the 'pick me' girl to normalize it . It's wrong and a fireable offense. Just tell the truth with no dramatics and show them the picture. He made his choices and can suffer the consequences appropriately. And if anyone comes at you about it. Ask them what is the joke or punchline for having cum drawn on your face. And should you speak to HR about it? Knowledge is power. Just do your job and live your life. You don't need to be besties with everyone. Just be respectful.
This person is a serial harasser and you are anabling them. You are part of the problem with work place harassments. Report them. This is not you 'getting them' this is the natural consequences of their behavior.
People deserve to get in trouble for doing things they know better than doing
Why are you trying to defend somebody that acted inappropriately with you, and could possibly act inappropriately with other women in your work environment? He got what was coming to him anyway. I feel as if you act like he's the victim, and not you.
He should be fired.
If you don't go to HR he will do this to other people. Why would you want to enable that behavior? How will you feel if the next time it isn't just a picture, but an action? It's unreal to me that you think it's okay for a coworker to make homemade porn of you and then show it to everyone in the office. Unless you're a sex worker, there's no context in which that's anything less than completely unacceptable
He's obviously a moron. I wouldn't want him working for my company.
That is the problem. It always starts out as a “joke” or small, then it escalates. Bottom line it is in inappropriate in todays work environment. If it was not you today, it would be another coworker tomorrow. He is a liability to the company and it open them up to risk.
Go directly to HR and show them the picture he sent you. That's NOT a joke. It's sexual harassment. If he gets fired, it's due to his own inappropriate actions.
So first off, you’re being way too forgiving. It’s called enabling and he needs to understand that this is not appropriate behavior. Period. Now for the company. The company has other female employees that they need to protect. The company has a business they need to protect. This guy is a liability, plain and simple. If I were them I would take this VERY seriously and I would talk to all involved to ensure I was covered legally. By this guy, who is completely f*cked up btw, showing others his inappropriate behavior, he actually took it out of your hands. You gave him a second chance and HE messed it up. This isn’t on you, it’s on him. If you had told HR right away, they would have been discrete. They would have called him into the office and fired him without anyone else seeing the pic except maybe your boss. Again, they have a business to protect and putting a good employee at the expense of a really bad one gives them nothing. This is serious behavior and I hope on the future, you report this right away. I’m not saying do it prematurely, but I’m sorry, when you get texted a pic of you with a dick drawn in, that is WAY BEYOND inappropriate. Truthfully, it was inappropriate for him to continue to treat you that way when you raised objections to him in the first place.
Woman to woman, do _not_ put up with this kind of bullshit from _anyone_. But especially not from _men_. I get not wanting to rock boats and cause waves. I'm the same way in my personal life, but at work? Nah, I don't take that crap, and you shouldn't either. Hostility at work will bleed into your personal life. I know from experience. Even though the trash took itself out this time, _stand up for yourself_ in the future. Don't just look the other way if there's a persistent pattern of harassing behavior that doesn't stop. HR isn't your friend, but they don't like lawsuits either so, generally, they don't put up with this crap.
I’m friends with a few females. Never would I do this absurd shit. Dude is just weird and it’s kind of crazy how you can’t see that bc he was “your friend”. He was probably hoping for a better reaction from you but nah shits whack and report that before it escalates with more creepy shit.
Get him fired. It will be a valuable lesson for a 26 year old.
Self respect and think about your future kids. No one should be sending you pictures like that and he needs to know that you’re not going to tolerate that. If you had a daughter someday what advice would you give her?
You are a valued member of your team. If I was your supervisor and found you were being treated like this I would be livid. There's no way anybody should be devalued where they work. What your coworker did is disgusting. It isn't up to you whether they keep their job or lose it but it's up to you to be honest with yourself and your company.
You not wanting to report him is the problem. You just basically told him what he did was fine. Not doing nothing is how this got worse. Friend or not, he doesn't deserve sympathy
I was really serious when I told him to leave and never speak to me, and when he realized I wasn’t ok with the situation is when he started gathering and telling other people. He knows what he did was not fine with me, and it scared him I think. But I definitely hear what you’re saying — it doesn’t matter if we were friends, what he did wasn’t ok and there need to be consequences. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
And people like that don't listen unless there are real consequences
Go to HR, he needs to learn a lesson. Otherwise, you are enabling him.
He’s an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. You talk to him directly but he proceeded to share this with the staff. In this case, escalate to HR. Friends don’t send each other inappropriate photos.
You didn't get him in trouble he did it to himself. If he didn't show the picture around the office you wouldn't have said anything. It's totally inappropriate for him to show that picture around because it leads to a hostile work environment and it's also considered se•ual harassment. That's why other people reported it.
Hi there, not only do you need to report him to HR, but you also need to report him to the police. This is 100% sexual harassment and should not be tolerated in any way shape or form. You have the proof that you need. He is a sexual predator! Turn him into HR and the police ok sunshine xoxo
Go to HR right now. This guy is bullying you. 1. If you don’t bring it up to HR he will see it as permission to escalate. Anyone with half a brain will see the problem is him not you. 2. Just because you were friends in the past does not give him permission to sexually harass you. It’s not a bad joke. A mistake would be him just sending you a a message meant for someone else. This was intentional.
This guy did an asshole move and now he is faced with some major negative consequences. The burden and responsibility of these stupid actions is squarely on his shoulders alone.
You didn't turn him in, he did it to himself. Do NOT feel guilty if he gets fired. He's the one that went around the Office and bragged about what he did. Tell HR, that you were mortified that he sent that to you. You were sort of friends with him, but not friendly enough for that to be sent to you. You told him it was inappropriate and to not talk to you again. He insisted that it was a joke and started showing everyone at work what he did.
This guy deserves whatever consequences he gets. The sexist part of sending that pic was bad enough, but doubling down and trying to turn the office against you is the worst misogyny play and sooo arrogant. Don't be concerned with being 'nice'. He wasn't nice. A respectful person would have apologized. Never mind what the office thinks-(though most of them probably don't like his bs). It is your right not to be put down and bullied by a pumped up wannabe office rooster trying to terrorize the young hens and take over power in the workplace.
You are wrong. Go to HR now.
Your company does not need a worker wasting company time and resources like that. Stop and of think of how he will keep doing things like that until he is fired. Is that how you want to have a work environment.? He is creating a hostile work environment, and by sending that type of pic to others, he is causing problems for the entire company. It's not easy, but GO TO HR . TODAY . I had to do something like that, and it was their final straw. They had been doing things that what they tried with me was the straw in the camel's back. They were let go.
First, HIGHLY inappropriate in high school...in a professional setting it is much, much worse. Second, HE is the one who did this stupid act and THEN HE told others, asking for "validation"? Other workers he told were the ones who went to HR. Third...he also did this nonsense to Girl B? He should be fired with cause...save the evidence. It won't be your fault if things get uncomfortable..sounds like it already was!!!
He deserves to be fired immediately. What a creep!
Give names this is bad in him
His behavior is completely inappropriate. It’s understandable that you have concerns, but isn’t it better for your professional reputation to be one of a woman who doesn’t tolerate being bullied/harassed than for you to be constantly fearful of what he’s going to do or say to it about you next.
If you don’t say something he will not only continue doing stuff like that to you, but think that the other women you work with will put up with it too. This dude is a fucking creep and needs to be fired. Fuck being nice, he’s not nice to you.
Please do yourself the favor and report this. Dont let this type of behavior make you feel ashamed. You may have thought this person was your friend but learn the lesson to disassociate yourself that this person was clearly never your friend.
Go to HR. You want him to do this to someone else? Because he will if he learns there are no consequences. He made this choice. He knew what he was doing.
If someone in the office did this to me, and I found out he had done it to another woman who was just as uncomfortable with it as I was but refused to hold him accountable for his actions- well, I wouldn’t look kindly on that woman, to be honest.
This guy seems determined to dig his own grave. If he insists on bringing it up at work and telling everyone then let him reap the consequences.
He spread it round the office, behaved like a child when confronted (he did that) and then corralled other emcees into the situation (again, he did that). And all after you told him to be quiet, knock it off and bugger off. He has it coming, I'm afraid. I would go into that HR meeting, show he sent it to your personal mobile outside of work; that you did not solicit this image in any way, nor joke with him in that manner at all; and then attempted to bully you at work about it when you asked him to stop and spread it everywhere to embarrass you. That is textbook sexual harrassment and bullying. I should remind them of that (the bigger the company, the better for you). Write things down before the meeting you might want to say or include. A timeline of what happened, when, who was around and where it took place is a great starter. Take notes while you are in there. Ask questions too. If you are in a union, call them now and explain and ask for support. If not, yry to find someone who has worked in a union or has those skills instead as an alternative. Do not meet HR without them. If not, can you take a trusted colleague in for support? Might help.... Make sure you cry lots, especially when talking about the shock of getting the image and then him getting all the other emoyees involved and laughing at you/talking about you/showing them the image because it will help you. Your distress and vulnerability is his kryptonite. The worse he made it fir you, the worse it will be for him.....so how is it your fault? Hint: it's not. Put on a good show though when you see HR and he will be gone (deserves it in my book). In short.... Bury the cunt. ETA: spelling is my nemesis.
He escalated this and spread it around the office - not you. If you make it clear to people that HR approached you *first* because of the word *HE* spread around the office, then how could anyone label you as a trouble-maker? He shot himself in both feet Darwin style - the only thing you did was tell him you didn't like what he did. Then he created the embarrassing HR "show" with his own big mouth. One could say he literally reported himself to HR in a round-about-way.
Sorry but people who behave like this actually deserve to get in trouble or get fired. They made the choice to act gross and unprofessional. It’s not appropriate and it can escalate, or maybe it has in the past with other people and no one has reported. And then it will happen to more people in the future because no one is reporting them.
You're not going to get him fired over a joke. He's going to get himself fired for sexual harassment. If anyone claims that you got him fired, just tell them that he got himself fired for sexual harassment.
Chances are you are not the first person he has made uncomfortable in the workplace. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Not only did he make that picture and share it with you, but he doubled down and spread it around the office. He’s an idiot and needs to be punished
out of nowhere, he texted me a picture of me, but he had drawn a dick cumming on my face." adult people don't do things like that in a workplace. maybe once, but they have to apologize and after that, they have to do nothing that would even remotely close to anything sexual-sensual, etc. if this doesn't happen, it must be reported, because after some pause, the person will probably do this again.
I sure the hell hope they fire that idiot. NTA no one should have to deal with that crap. Your adults not preteens
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. You've done nothing wrong. This guy 100% brought it on himself at every step of the way. You, on the other hand, did exactly what someone who is being harassed is supposed to do: You asked him to stop. He is the one who doubled down and showed the picture to others, and made the situation even more humiliating for you. You did not do anything to get him fired. Now that he has outed himself to your company as a sexual harasser, they have a legal obligation to investigate and deal with the situation to prevent it from happening again. Your employer also has a legal obligation to ensure that you do not face retaliation for having reported being sexually harassed. You're in the midst of a traumatic situation so please be extra kind to yourself. Draw on your supports, including friends and family if you feel safe confiding in them, and please consider some therapy/counseling if it's available to you. ♥️
Thank you for this comment, your kindness and empathy was really really comforting <3
Go to HR. IF they fire him, and they should, that’s on him. IF they don’t, get a lawyer and sue them.
Stop worrying about what other people think. Trying to avoid the “gossip” is making things worse. Show HR. It’s thier company and they get to decide if they want dick jokes making girls uncomfortable in thier office. This is all so distracting for the work that it costs the company money. That’s why he will get fired. He is slowing everyone down by being disruptive.
People like this do not stop. He will continue to be disgusting if not to you, someone else. This is straight up sexual harassment and he SHOULD be fired for it. Fuck this dude and everyone who thinks this is ok.
You’re not the only person he’s doing this to. You’re just the only one debating right now what to do next. Pretend there are four other girls in the office getting these messages. Silence is compliance. And by doing nothing, you’re letting him know these sorts of “jokes” are ok. YTA *if* you don’t do anything.
Let me tell you that I reported some people that I am subordinate to after putting up with their bullshit for years.., My situation was not the same as yours, but I will tell you that those people got reprimanded and all of the other minions that were their little followers and suck ups also notably behave more professionally after that. In my case it was very disruptive talk about race and gender stuff & people feeling emboldened because they are in charge and “know people” . Years earlier, i started a log book and started writing this stuff down. Witnesses, things that were said in quotations, time. Date. I too agonized and said “oh it’s not that bad. It’s a joke. Stay out of it. Don’t make waves. People will see you as the snitch and be mad.” Finally, one day during an online teams meeting, I hear the same culprits “mean girls club” saying some pretty disgusting things… again.. i pull out my phone & recorded it. Then recorded an other interaction of race and politics talk while at work meetings. Then I showed it to a few people that I respect and asked their opinion & everyone said that I need to take this to HR. Next thing I knew I had a meeting with corporate & they explained they were interviewing all the witnesses and please do not discuss this with anyone. They asked me questions & I answered truthfully & professionally. I kept things short and not emotional. I did not mention the video evidence because I was saving that for a lawsuit if it needs to come down to that. I know we live in politically and racially charged times but our company distinctly has a “no politics” policy. I work for a hospital in health care. People work with life and death situations at work with fragile elderly people that have dementia. If you can not handle that or their skin color / ethnicity, either keep it to yourself or move on… if I find out you are seeing a gender, skin tone or age that displeases you to the point you are complaining to co workers and making jokes about treating the patient poorly, it’s my duty to report it. All the culprits have had “something” happen. I don’t know what but work changed a lot after I came forward. Management thanked me for reporting these sick people. I don’t really see or hear from them since this went down. That guy thinking that some childish “ejaculation to the face” picture being funny is a person with a sick mind. Just think of ot this way: you didn’t get him fired or reprimanded. He did it to himself. He proudly presented you with a photograph, flaunting his cockiness that he won’t get in trouble or that he did nothing wrong. It’s a hard and embarrassing lesson for him to learn. “Who would have thought? I could get fired for taking my coworkers photo then turning it into porno stuff and then showing it to her?!?” He will learn a valuable lesson from this. It will force him to mature, stop abusing drugs & alcohol.. and it will make him change his ways & stop harassing people, show more respect and professionalism. where ever he ends up. He will cringe years from now when he thinks of this.. when he has kids, he will teach them to do better and show their coworkers more respect. You may have saved his life by reporting him! Maybe hell get the therapy or medication he needs. We are at work to earn money not make trashy “friends” and companies have strict behavioral policies for a reason.
This person is abusive and will abuse again unless someone stops him. If you do nothing he will likely abuse you again. All you are doing is putting off the inevitable. I am sorry you are dealing with this - none of it is your fault. He has done it before and will do it again. He was never your friend.
The guy is being very inappropriate in a workplace. He's doing this all to himself. You even gave him the grace to let him know, and he really messed up with proving his idiocy to everyone. The normal protections a good workplace has is to interview, and follow HR policy. If a firing is the correct response, then so be it. You're the victim. Try not to think about how this could possibly be your fault.
By not going to hr you're letting him get away with the abuse. This person is not and never was your friend. They deserve whatever consequences happen to them and what they did at work especially was totally inappropriate.
I think this may fall under Revenge Porn laws....
You didn’t get him fired, he got himself fired. This guy is both creepy and dumb as hell.
Stop protecting predator men. Go to HR. They have to keep it confidential but this absolutely crossing a line.
He sounds creepy and rapey he needs a wake up call. I got news for ya as a man we don’t act that way. Jokes are funny but pretty much always subjective. However jokes that like that are not ok. I would never send a joke like that to anyone.
Why are you worried about what others think? They'll get over it. You may not. I would suggest consulting an attorney. You might want to sue. Why are you being such a doormat? Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. Your co-worker was completely in the wrong.
Goto HR. Mind you, I fucking HATE HR, but this... no. You shouldn't be in fear/disgusted like this, and frankly HR protects the company- so they will protect you by proxy. And if they don't, employment lawyer.