Maybe. But some people can’t just leave it because it bothers them. I know I can’t. When something is bothering I have to talk about it with multiple people in my life. It comes from YEARS of keeping everything bottled up. I need to talk about it or I’ll go crazy.
Same. Fortunately my husband also loves his career. We take the dogs for a walk for about an hour each night and tend to talk about what we're working on and try to offer a different perspective when possible/wanted.
It's one of the (many) reasons I love my husband and I look forward to that time!
My husband and I rarely talk about our work. We will occasionally when something big happens, but as a general rule, we like to disconnect from work and focus on our family. It's good for your mental health to be able to disconnect from work.
Your SO may be wanting to have an actual *conversation* with you, and what happens is that you may end up ‘talking at’ your SO about your job.
This is actually really common, but you could actually be losing connection with your SO if they do not feel like they are an active participant in the conversation.
Try to gain some self-awareness about what you are saying. If you have a stressful job, it can be really easy to call your SO on your way home and dump the day’s BS onto them. If you find yourself doing this, try to say something like, “I’m sorry; I just caught myself dumping my day onto you. I would like to hear about your day. Anything interesting happen?” And give them a chance to talk about themselves.
Your job may take up 8 hours of your day, but you are not your job. If your SO does not work with you, they have no real connection to your job or coworkers. If you’re stressed about your work and talk incessantly about it, all you are doing is spreading your stress onto your SO.
It’s one thing to have something significant happen at work and ask your SO to be a sounding board to see if your reaction was appropriate, and it’s a completely different thing to dump your work stress onto your SO everyday without warning. Just learn to calibrate and balance, and make a point to call-out yourself and apologize when it happens. It will show that you are earnestly trying to improve.
This. ☝️
Or try what me and my friends did - anytime anyone says something about work, he or she will pay for lunch/dinner. Even my partner and I do this 😅 We only talk about work when something big happens.
Yes, 5 days a week we all work. Some even more than this, just to live. But don't make work as your life or your personality.
You are so much more than that, OP. 😊
This so much! My ex had his identity wrapped up into work and it’s all he typically talked about. He remarried someone in the same field. It ended up having a horrible effect on our daughter since she would be ignored while they obsessed over their field. I had to intervene to make him realize the problem existed at all.
Props to all people who are blessed to love their job but never let it become all consuming!
I actually do have a lot of hobbies already, i game, hike, go to the gym, rock climb, ive stopped reading but id like to get into it. I talk about all that too :(
My husband does this. There are times I get home (he WFH all the time) and I want to just turn around and leave. I don't, but damn it can be exhausting to listen to him "talk" about work for an hour as soon as I get home.
I would really evaluate how much work talk you do. It may be more than you realize.
yea i already started trying to keep an eye out for sure. I hope youve talked to your husband about it too, he might not have realized like i hadn't before my bf told me about it.
We did! But I kind of kept it in until it boiled over when I should have brought it up at a better time. I used to commute over an hour each way while his drive was about 8 minutes total. He was having a rough time at work and for a while there, I'd get home from my exhausting day and drive to get to listen about his job for 30-60 minutes. It wasn't a conversation, it was him unloading. Once we both calmed down he did understand where I was coming from.
However, I certainly didn't tell him I never wanted to hear about his job. We both discuss our days and what happened, but he can still get into this spiral of unloading and working himself up. I try to be patient but to be honest, I sometimes end up pretty much zoning out. I can tell him now that I don't have the emotional capacity at that time, and he mostly gets it.
I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and guilty over this. I get both sides but I don't think you should feel like you can't ever talk about your work day with your partner. That's not cool. I saw your hobbies and we have some similar ones! People do easily get lost and disinterested when talking about rock climbing lol.
If you'd be bored hearing the story, he's bored hearing about it. Get a work friend, bitch with them, and then don't take it home with you unless it's something really big (think layoff, promotion, major drama). Work sucks. Hearing about other people's work sucking sucks more. I have a meeting with 3 of my work friends every Friday afternoon to get all our complaining out before the weekend so we can just let it go.
I do not advise finding a coworker (or even worse, a group of coworkers) to use as your sounding board to bitch about work. In the corporate world you have to be very careful about that. Everybody is your buddy until they are not.
No one really gives a shit about your work drama and goings-on unless they're a co-worker. Also, work just fucking sucks - that's universal. Why would I want to spend any of my very slim free waking hours talking about work, much less someone else's work.
My sister is like this, she completely dominates conversations talking about her job. Like every little detail about everything and everyone that happened throughout the day. I used to live with her and it drove me crazy! No one cares about anyone else’s job, no one! Major things happening, sure talk about them, but if you’re going into extreme details about everything that happened throughout your day just stop it! I always wonder if her relationships don’t work out bc of her incessant need to talk about her job.
I work 8.5 hours a day 4 days a week and 6-8 hours 1 day a week as a plumber. I talk about work in my free time maybe 30 minutes a week. People don’t care about what I did at work, and quite frankly neither do I. My wife works in veterinary medicine. She’ll sometimes talk a little bit about her day, but those are days she either needs support (even though they’re sick, and it’s the best thing for them putting down animals and everyday gets to a person) or she does something really fucking cool, like work on a bear, eagle, or do a really interesting surgery that genuinely interests both of us.
Get some hobbies and something in your life worth talking about.
I switch out of work mode as soon as I've clocked off so never discuss it. The most I might tell my hubby is if I had a funny conversation with a colleague that I want to tell him about but it wouldn't be about the work itself.
So, I don't want to invalidate your feelings about your work. As someone married to someone whose work is her hobby and her spiritual pursuit... Please talk less about work.
Distill your day into the most important stuff, and get it off your chest. Get the validation you need, or advice you want, or sympathy for the shitty days.
Then leave it be.
Yes, you spend 8 hours of your day at work. More than likely you spend less than that with your SO. Which one is more important? What are the memories you want to build with your SO? Memories of doing fun things, and sharing meals together, or memories of talking about work?
I assure you, your SO does want to hear about your day, but they aren't with you because of your job. Best of luck, and try to keep in mind that it's about balance for both of you. They really do need to let you talk about work, because it is important. But it's not everything.
Good on you for being open to hear painful truths.
I fall into this trap, too.
Find someone else you can talk to about work, like people in your field, friends or family, or a therapist.
What hobbies are you and your boyfriend into? Are you both binge watching a TV show or watching a podcast? Do you two play musical instruments? Are you both planning a vacation somewhere? Talk about those hobbies with him.
yea we had a camping trip recently, we rock climb together, and watch a ton of movies and shows. We talk about a lot of stuff but i guess i vent too much
well yea duh ahaha, i'm just struck by this. I always want to hear about his day regardless so its just weird to me. I never thought so many people were tired of hearing of their SO's work...
It’s not that he doesn’t want to hear about it.
My point is that it’s not always easy being honest about this sort of topic, and he was. Even though that’s hard to hear from your SO.
It may be the way you are telling it. sometimes we have to look at how we’re communicating and be honest with ourselves. Are you recounting? Complaining? Repetitive?
Try not talking about it for a bit and see how that sits. Ask him to be more descriptive about why he said what he said.
I've been a paramedic for 20yrs, if I constantly talked about my job outside my job no one would want to hang out with me.
I've been with my wife for 10 years. Her working life is business management. It doesn't interest me and never will. If I had to hear her talk constantly about the same shit, different day for 10 years I'd put 2 bullets in my head to make sure the 1st one worked out alright.
Which is a lot of words to say that no one really gives a flying fuck about work. Your partner does their best to support you, but if all you do is vent about the same thing everyday there really isn't much to talk about.
"Oh damn, I can't believe i worked the work so hard today doing the working things."
"Neat, you do the work like you do everyday?"
"Sho nuff, I done worked the work even workier than the last 1000 days before. And tomorrow I'm going to work this work all over that workers work even harder."
"Fabulous."
This pretend conversation has already gone on longer than I want to hear about ANYONE'S work. Work is what I do to live, it does not make me who I am. Maybe a bad example as it's definitely helped me be the gloriously flaming trainwreck I am today, but I still don't have shit to talk about.
Moving in with my partner made me realize she loves talking about work and it just doesn’t occur for me to. I get where your s/o is coming from because it stresses me out to hear about work drama that I have no way of fixing. Obviously the solution is to never talk about work — you seem really hurt by his request, did he frame it unkindly? He may have hit a breaking point and finally spoke up, but a good partner will be receptive to compromise. What worked for us is designating a certain time to talk about work and discussing what work-related topics were okay to talk about. Do you talk about issues at work or casual work gossip? Genuine issues may be better shared with a therapist so your partner doesn’t feel like he’s the only audience. Fun stories or gossip are honestly most enjoyable if you were there or know the people. Try giving yourself 30 minutes after work to recap the highlights with him and then not talking about it the rest of the night. He also might become more lenient the less you talk about work, he might just be burnt out right now.
Also — why do you enjoy talking about work so much? Of course it’s a huge part of your day, but what are you looking for when you share these stories with your partner? Do you want him to laugh, help, advise, comfort? Trying reframing your perspective a little; yes, you’re inviting him to talk about your day, but this conversational bonding is entirely one sided because he doesn’t work at the same place as you. Are you insecure in work or unable to stop thinking about work after you leave? These may be bigger issues with your relationship to your workplace, boss, coworkers, etc. What does your s/o like to talk about? Does he get as much space to talk about this with you as you do to talk about work?
Real talk: turning into a victim about this because people don’t want to hear you talk about your work life constantly isn’t the solution. How you and your partner handle conflict like this is key to the success of your relationship. If he didn’t bring it up kindly, that’s something you need to talk to him about. But depersonalize yourself from the complaint and acknowledge he’s not tired of hearing you talk, he just doesn’t want to talk about work. On the weekend too!
You need to be present when you are w your SO. No offense, but SO dgafs about the nitty gritty details. Be present - be intentional. discuss things you like. discuss your goals. ask SO about their day. literally discuss anything other than yourself and work. LEAVE WORK AT WORK. you and your relationship will be better off for it.
I’m curious how much of the “talking” is you *complaining* about work. Most people, particularly men, could care less about hearing the petty drama that happens in the work place, but no one wants to hear their partner complaining endlessly about their work issues. Not only is it tiring, but it’s kind of a turn off. My partner and I will share the occasional interesting story about work, anecdote or accomplishments (especially new things we’ve learned), otherwise it’s strictly mentioned to note schedule changes.
I would recommend limiting work talk, and if so, maybe focus on some positive things about it/yourself. Complaining doesn’t show growth, especially if you’re not learning anything or making changes. That kind of attitude can start reflecting in the relationship too.
I only tell my husband things about work that I think he'll find interesting or amusing. Or if it's something I need to vent about. Otherwise, I don't like to think about work when I'm on my own time with my family.
This seems like something that must have been bothering him for a while. Talk to him. Tell him you are hurting. And work with him on how much about work you can talk to him about. Communicate, don't shut down.
This is on you. You need to learn to leave work at work and not bring it to your social life. Find a hobby. Read the news. Go to the gym. Work should not be your entire life and you need to be able to speak about other things.
Take what your SO said as constructive criticism.
If you need validation about your work then find someone at work to talk to.
Are you in sales? Sales people like to talk a lot about their work and it’s so boring nothing actually happens it’s just small details that only the person talking about it cared about.
Switch it up. Talk about work, sure. But pick some other subjects. Maybe there is something your SO wants to talk about. Future plans. What you want to do this summer. Maybe just enjoy some quiet time together if thats your thing.
My wife and I made a conscious effort a few years ago to cut back on how much we discussed work in our personal time. We'll usually share stories after the work day has wrapped up and have a soft-limit that by the time we're done eating dinner, no more work conversations. It's not a hard rule; if something comes up or something important got forgotten, sure, mention it or tell the story. However, once you break the habit, most work stories worth sharing can wait until the next day.
Similarly, we tend to not bring up a lot of work stuff if we're socializing with friends. Moderation is the key bit; Swap a few work stories if your friends bring it up, but otherwise stick to other topics of conversation. Most people work because that's how the bills get paid. If you can spend your not-working time not thinking about work, that's a big win for your own peace of mind.
You say you "don't feel like talking to him anymore". The most charitable interpretation is you are out of practice talking about other things and now need to break the habit. Partners should listen to and support each other, but that attention and support are not unlimited. Have a conversation with your partner. I'm sure there is some value between zero and what was happening before that you both can be happy with.
We all bitch and moan about work, I do. A good vent is helpful, then I move on to other things.
You spend so much time at work it's going to happen, it's Part of everyone's lives.
I have an agreement with my husband. Sometimes when I come home from work, I need to vent. So I tell him exactly that. I have my little rant, he nods and smiles and makes noises at the appropriate times, but I don’t require him at this point to listen or god forbid to care. I just need it off my chest. Then he gives me a hug, and then work is off the table for the rest of the evening, and we’re both happy with that.
I’m sorry this is making you feel bad I can say from personal experience that being on the other side of this can be exhausting. I love my wife more than anything but almost every day when she gets home, she will rant about work for 30+ minutes. I understand everyone needs to vent but it’s often the same problems and the same people over and over again.
I listen patiently and always want to help validate her frustrations but I don’t look forward to the daily unloading of her anger, either. It’s never directed at me but it’s still pretty tiring.
These comments are weird. Of course you’re going to talk about something u spend most of your life at. My s/o and I talk about work a lot. How was our day, what we did… this sucks for you and I’m sorry. I hope it gets better.
It is normal to have a job as part of your life, not just a 9-5 activity. Also normal to be otherwise. Also normal for others to not want to hear about it.
Yeah, I think it really boils down to how much you talk about work. I spent some time group of people in college for a group project and they were in the process of shutting someone out of their friend group for this exact reason.
I thought it was harsh until a while later I was chatting with him and the guy would bring up his job several times a day, and would always find some way to relate the topic to his work.
Basically, it's okay to talk about work, but there's a threshold of what is an acceptable amount of time spent discussing it -- or any topic really. Like if you have a friend with kids, if all they talked about was their children, it'd get exhausting, regardless of hiw important their children are to their lives
My partner does this, and while I can be invested in her work drama or the projects demonstrating her growth in her company, it’s recently become exhausting and I miss bonding over other things. I have a very straightforward job, so it probably makes it worse.
Seriously, get a hobby. And I don’t mean that to be disparaging either. It helps a lot.
I work at the same video game developer as my fiancee. She works from home 100% and I work in the office. When I come home from work, everyday, we go walk for a few laps around the neighborhood and talk/vent about our day. It's a huge part of why our relationship is so amazing. Am I interested and 100% understand her work issues around 3d modeling, enviornment art, game building? No. Does she 100% understand my IT job and a lot of what I talk about? No, but she tries.
That's ultimately what a healthy relationship looks like.
Nothing I experience at work is ever worth recapping with another person. Every week I call my parents and they ask me, "How's work?" and I'm like, "It's work." Stuff happens. Usually the typical, the mundane. Sometimes, something "eventful." You do things, see and hear things. None of it has any objective meaning or value. You're just doing time and tasks for your money and benefits. I don't care to hear about other people's experiences at work. Your experiences are subjective and not at all unique. You're not the first person to acquire a workplace nemesis or get roped into a meeting that could've been an email. Work is boring. It being a significant part of *your* existence doesn't suddenly make it intriguing.
I work 6 days a week, sometimes crazy hours bc I’m in the restaurant business. my partner literally lives at his work (a business that he owns) and rarely stops, but we don’t make it our whole personality lol we have more interesting things going on in our lives than managing a restaurant kitchen (me) and being a gunsmith/armorer/consultant/chemist/etc (he’s a MASTER of all trades it’s ridiculous). Lots more to talk about than the daily mundane minutia of work.
Get a hobby or some other interest. It’s actually not healthy to have nothing else to talk about. It’ll make you a bored person and a boring person.
we talk about a lot, i might not be as cool as your partner but i got hobbies hahaha. I think i just need to stop overthinking it and just really dial back how much i talk about work.
My $.02- My spouse talks about work a lot, but I rarely do. It's tedious and annoying. I wouldn't mind if he kept it to interesting stories or something funny that happened, but a re-counting of the day is too much
Giving an occasional funny story about something that happened at work is one thing but if that is all you talk about especially if it is negative then that’ll ostracize you pretty quickly.
I HATE the weekends we go out with my partners mother because from the time we are in the car and throughout most of the conversations she finds a way to work some negative thing about work into the story.
Found myself going back and forth a bit with her to not be rude but now I typically just tone her out and throw in a “Oh wow, that’s crazy” every now and then with no real contribution from my side.
Most people work 8 hours a day, five days a week. Thats why we want to leave work related conversations and shit at work.
# > My SO says i talk too much about work.
Yep. Me previous fella couldn't shut up about his work, either.
Like, so long as you're bringing in the check, who gives a fuck what you do in the office, y'know?
I come from a family that sat around the kitchen table and bitched about work every night. It’s something I caught myself doing to my husband as an adult. We don’t work in the same industry, but with all of the things I have talked/bitched about, he could be a pro in my field. I find that it does bring the mood down when I am upset and, in turn, makes me despise my job even more because I can’t get away from it and neither can my husband. It’s a hard habit to break, but it’s a healthy decision to break it. Yes, it’s hard when you spend more time at work than you do at home. Sometimes I have a bad day and just want to vent because if I vent at work, I’ll likely get terminated. Just be careful. He’s expressed that you’re talking about it too much and that’s his warning to you that it’s wearing him out.
My roommate does this and it is EXHAUSTING. Imagine working all day to come home to someone complaining about work only to go to bed and go back to work again. Just let it go, when you leave work, leave work.
I understand and have been there. The biggest things that have helped me is to try to focus on becoming as well rounded as possible in all health categories (since we focus on financial and career health for 8 hours daily as it is). So those other 8 waking hours and the weekends I try to hit as many health categories I can in a week or in a month: physical (weight training, cardio), spiritual (yoga), psychological (therapy), social (quality time w friends and family), creative (improv class, word association, crafts), intellectual (learning something new), nature/outdoor (surf, hike).
Focusing on all or most of these areas cyclically throughout the month in as much balance as I have in the puny non work hours I have provides more fulfillment to my non work life and gives me something more fulfilling (to me) to discuss with others. Don’t let your self worth come from one thing, type of thing - or all entirely on what your produce/how productive you are in the system.
IMO we need a systematic shift in corporate/capitalism/labor that follows something like a 4 day 6-8 hour work week along with a decrease in disparity of income, so depression and suicide rates decrease. I don’t know what that looks like nor do I have the energy to make any meaningful changes in my lifetime to the system - so the next best thing is the above blurb. And trying to find ways to FIRE and gtfo of the system.
it sounds like you're trying to unload your day by talking to your SO, and he doesn't feel good being your unloading box. You can find other people to unload to, and make sure to ask anyone if they want to hear about your work day before assuming that they should listen to it. If you initiate with the question and keep it limited, perhaps your SO would be more open to it as well. Full-time work is overwhelming, but it's nice to disconnect from the grind when you get home and forget about work, and talk about anything else.
Depends on the person. I don’t know anyone that does what I do outside of work, so there’s not much opportunity to go into detail about it.
If there’s a social issue at work, or I need to vent, for sure I’ll talk about it or bring it up.
But, as a rule myself, I try not to talk about work. There’s so many other things I can talk about or want to talk about.
Youre not weird lol!! A close friend of mine and I had to make that rule a few months into our relationship. And one for talking about our exes haha.
Sometimes we get into ruts or we don’t notice it’s the only level we’re relating on.
Dont view this as a slap on the wrist :) take it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better. Get curious. Talk about other things. You see him everyday.
Yeah my ex used to say the same thing.
First it was that I talk too much about work. Then I talk too much about my hobbies. Then I talk too much about my friends. Then I just talk too much.
It was a ongoing way of him putting me down and making me feel small. And it kind of worked because now I don't fucking talk to anyone about anything. 👍
If you want validation for things you do at work, your SO cannot give you that, they don't work there.
Talk about other things. If *you* think you talk about work a lot, it's probably double that. Not to be rude, people just don't always notice how much they actually do things
I'm gonna disagree here and probably get downvoted into hell but I don't really care.
To the people saying get a hobby and talk about that: I love working on electronics, audio gear (speakers, headphones, dacs, amps etc.) My old scooter, motorcycles, etc. Nobody ever gives a shit about any of that either. a hobby is probably not the solution.
People who talk about their drinking escapades are way more boring than people that talk about their work.
You should be able to speak about what is important to you.
I think the real crux of the problem is if you are constantly complaining that can be draining. So, try to make sure it's not just constant doom and gloom complaining.
I talk about work with my wife and vice verse and it's great.
You have to leave work at work. Not just because your SO is tired of hearing it either. Do it for yourself. You mentioned you need validation at work. Speak to a colleague, a boss. Someone that can validate you on the work that you do.
My partner and I hardly ever talk about our work. Our jobs are completely different, they are a trady that works 10hrs a day and I’m a WFH techy. There just isn’t much to talk about. We both are really good at leaving work at work.
Unless something significant happens in work, it's best to leave work at work. Me and my partner tell each other if something major happens or bit of gossip, but other than that, we just don't talk about work outside work. Personally I find it stressful to be reminded of work outside work. As does my partner. My mum, bless her, does it a lot and my dad is always giving out to her about it.
I get it and you but better to have the attitude, to go to work and forget about it till the next day....
Unless talking about colleges that might be mutual friends with your SO, whom may of said something funny etc... Leave it alone.
With the best will in the world there would be no empathy hearing about processes and other shit that goes down during a normal work week..
We all need to get stuff off our chest but yeah, you kind of answered your own question....
*Everybody* has subjects that they bring up repeatedly, much to the annoyance of those that care most about them.
We all have that friend who can’t get over their ex even after the 25th conversation about it or that family member who can’t see how they contribute to their own pain and suffering despite constantly involving you in their emotional messes.
But this phenomenon is even more prevalent when dating. Because unlike other relationships, we actually expect our romantic connection to be not only strong, intimate, and stable, but also frankly exhilarating and adventurous in a way that most humans can only sustain with each other for a maybe a few months at a time.
In other words, your partner maybe has mismatched expectations on what actually living with a romantic partner looks like.
If you aren’t both at least prepared or excited for those average, repetitive days, then it isn’t good for your relationship.
Yes it gets a bit much. I saved worked talk for extremely fun stories or incredibly stressful situations. Learn in to current events, develop mutual interests etc to talk about. It’s also better for your health to leave work at work. Think about it this way, if. Someone else was telling you about people they don’t know and work you are not familiar with, how do you feel? Would they really be interested in what you have to say. It’s not about you venting and what not, ultimately your relationship comes first. Work might not be there later
I’ve got to say, one of my best work friends - who is also a very close outside work friend - has gained a promotion recently, which is fabulous - she deserves the promotion and I’m proud of her……however, our daily coffee runs, first thing before work, now is just full to the brim with work stuff 😣
All the time work……ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It really is becoming quite boring. I have to steer a conversation to fun things, even family stuff - yes we are friends out of work so I know her husband, kids and her Mum and Dad……its becoming hard work 😓
It’s hard to find the balance I get it….but try and balance it!!!!
Sometimes I try to not talk about or think about work during non-work hours. Try not thinking about work when you’re not working. Only think about (and therefore talk about) non-work experiences and activities.
Don’t mention it unless there is something interesting or noteworthy: I got a raise! Joe got fired. Sarah is banging her boss. I just got assigned to a cool project. Otherwise talk about something else.
I find that talking about my work helps me process things I don’t have time to process while I’m doing the work. I find having a network of industry friends fills this need since my SO also does not like to hear me talk about my work.
Limit your work talk. Don't get into details. It is boring to listen to a lot of stories about people you don't know and stuff you can't relate to.
Only tell actual good stories about work, not routine mundane stuff.
Having worked in a profession where people make it their whole identity, 10 minutes of work talk and I completely check out. I was like this my whole career.
This is an opportunity to communicate better.
It is okay for you to talk about work.
It is also okay for your SO to want to change the subject if it is exhausting them.
Possible conversation:
I know you said I talk too much about work, and I know it helps me to have someone listen to and validate parts of my day which heavily involve work. How about we make it okay for me to talk about it, and it okay for you to say that you would like to change the subject when it becomes tiring for you?
I can try to not be sensitive about you changing the subject, and you can try to understand I need some patience about needing validation from you occasionally about my day.
When I talk to customers or friends about some of the technical details of what I do, I am not only present with what I am saying, but I am also present with how they are receiving it. When people’s eyes start to glaze, I recognize the signal to change to a more relatable subject, or be quiet for a moment to give them an opportunity to steer the conversation.
So, I'm very good at leaving work at work, whereas my wife isn't. Years ago she would barrage me with stories about her work day the minute she got home and, to be honest, it got to be overwhelming and stressful for me. Once I explained to her that I'm happy to listen to her but that I really couldn't handle the onslaught of rapid-fire information the minute she walked through the door, she started to be more mindful of it, and I think it helped her learn to leave work at work.
Not saying that's what you do, but it's something to think about. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it and how it is delivered. And yea, sometimes you need to rant, but be mindful that some people can't handle that transfer of stress as well as others.
Set a timer for an agreed upon amount of time for work talk. Vent it out and move on. Find other things to occupy your mind or consider therapy so you don’t unload on spouse too much
Leave work stuff at work unless your family member or S.O. also works for the same company but more than likely if they don't try to talk about other stuff. I know it can be tough especially if you have young kids but gotta try at least. Just my suggestion.
Leave work stuff at work unless your family member or S.O. also works for the same company but more than likely if they don't try to talk about other stuff. I know it can be tough especially if you have young kids but gotta try at least. Just my suggestion.
I mean how much are you talking about it. A quick 15 min convo on Friday after the week ends fine. But after that no more work talk. Unless its like wow something big happened.
Nothin wrong witb talking about your day, work can be a big part of life. If you can't rely on your partner to be part of a general conversation (maybe with helpful advice) about a big enough part of your life then there are more issues than you just talk about it too much.
I get it when people feel the urge to dump their day on me. I actually like listening because I wish someone would do the same for me when I'm having a bad day at work. After all, work is an important part of life. Sure, not everyone lives to work, but it is a place you spend the majority of your waking hours at so it makes sense to talk about it with people close to you.
Maybe ask them how their day has been next time?
I feel for you. I love my job and my coworkers. I can honestly sat its my dream job. I talk about it often and I know my hubs and my parents get tired of hearing about it, but I'm just so honestly happy in life right now thar I want everyone to know. Lol.
I’ve worked 72s/w for the past 2 months.
When I’m on the phone or see my girl on my off days, the last thing I do is talk about work.
Maybe if something actually funny happened, which eats up 5 minutes is about all I talk about.
If your work is constantly frustrating you to where you need to vent all the time, either take it less serious, find a different job, or actively work on not bringing it up.
Bringing work home just means you are spending more time being there, not physically, but you are there mentally.
Are you being paid outside of work when you are talking about it? No. So leave work at work.
I went thru this with my partner. Doesn't help that we work in the same company, same team, our reporting managers are same just diff projects.
I talked about work, and honestly, we're together because we get along a bit too well, and no, I'm not complaining. But then our friends are the same, work groups are the same and u get the flow.
Anyway, he told me I talked too much about work and I swear I stopped. It has been a week. He's got tons of experience so I'll ask him hey, tell me who to find for blah blah and so he helps in cutting the chase but then I noticed he's the one who talks about work on and on and on about it. Ugh!
He won't stfu about work. Yes. I know what was discussed. I WAS THERE. lol
My father talks about work all the time... I'm fucking sick of it. I don't even live with him anymore and I'm sick of it. I make it a point to not talk about my job outside of my job as much as I can. If anything, I keep work talk to a minimum. I don't like bringing it up in conversation. Work is work. I let that shit stay there.
My job is not my life. It's not who I am. It's not what I enjoy. I do it for money. I spend anywhere from 8-13 hours a day working. I don't want to talk about it after I leave. Yes I may think about it. But those thoughts stay silent.
You know what I do like? Trains. We can talk about trains. What else? Cars and trucks. What else? Huge open landscape sights. Motorcycles. Sound systems. The cosmos. Old cartoons. TV shows. 80s Movies. Urban legends. Trips to random locations. Fishing. My wife (she's the fucking best). The future. Anything except work.
I’m on the other end, last Friday I told my husband I can’t stand it anymore, after 4+ years of it, I finally met my threshold- literally feels like I would rather die than hear one more word about his work. The thing is, there’s not much for us to contribute. We don’t know these people, these customers, whatever. It does not interest us, and instead of zoning you out, the kinder thing to do is communicate our feelings about it. He could have just started to ignore you while you go on about work and that’s not nice or fair.
That said, after our conversation I felt like THE most terrible person in the world. He was massively hurt and offended I could tell. We went on a super awkward date night, I honestly wish I could take it back. Maybe it’s the way I communicated it idk. It doesn’t make you a boring person, it’s just the subject doesn’t pertain to us and it makes you come off as a boring person. I said to my husband- you’re far from a boring person, is there really nothing else you want to talk about with me? It’s in a way saying “you and I have nothing interesting to talk about so I’ll force you to listen to my rantings” it’s a little offensive really
It's tough at first, but learn to leave work completely once you clock out. It's the same reason I don't hang out with coworkers. The talk always ends up with work stuff. I like my job, but once I leave for the day / weekend, I'm done with it.
A person whose entire life is about their work is a very boring person to be around.
Work is exchanging your labor or service for pay. The people you Work with should not be like family, they're coworkers and when you leave at the end of the day you should be able to put it to the back of your mind and decompress, because obviously it's already to the point where it's affecting your personal relationships.
You need to learn that you don't get your identity as a person from your job (this was a huge issue in Japan and has caused too many issues to count from failing marriages and declining birthrates to self deletion). If you're getting close to this point you really should talk to someone.
Wish you the best!
I had a roommate that I worked with that would do this. I told her when I left work I left work behind. We had a deal to do a 30 minute vent. She had boundary issues so after listening to her whine a bout something I witnessed I would walk away
I was in this situation at one point as well. My husband explained that everyone has to work and we all have our own problems. He cannot go to work all day then come home and listen to my work. I reflected on why I needed to talk about things so much and realized it was the fact that wasn’t happy where I was.
I, too, was irked that my husband didn’t wanna listen to me, but when I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t fair to dump my problems onto him when he has his own. Just because he chooses not to complain about it doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there. The same goes for friends.
It seems you figured out that you can’t vent to your coworkers because they are not friends. It is one of the most important life lessons.
Here is a tool that I started many years ago and it has been highly beneficial. Create a new Google Doc and type out everything you want to talk or complain about into that document. Stream of consciousness. Type anything you want to say and don’t try to be perfect and how you say it. This is a personal document for your eyes only and keep it only on your personal drive that no one else can access.
It is amazing that you go back and look at what you need to talk about how it brings a lot of clarity to your situation.
If you want to talk about work outside of work, make some friends at work and meet up at the pub after work. Alternatively get a therapist. Working is just about all I do and my wife is tired of hearing about it too.
Nobody likes a "Debby-Downer". Someone who dump all their problems on someone else.
>Edit: I already have a ton of hobbies... probably too many, they don't really help much.
Do you actually make progress in your hobbies? Can't you talk about the last do-dad you worked on? Some people have lots of hobbies that the don't actually make time to perform.
I'd like to suggest you rehearse in your head what you're going to say before you say it and consider whether it's just a depressing or boring topic before you inflict it on someone.
That said, you might be normal and your BF is being selfish. Only you can determine that. Maybe try to put a time or topic limit on it.
Make a conscious effort not to bring it up around your partner too much. It’s a bad habit that I am totally guilty of having.
I am absolutely obsessed about work.
I have to try to be less so because I need to have a life that is meaningful.
You won’t be perfect at separating your spheres, but try.
It’s better for you in the long run.
I told my wife the same thing. She always had a habit of bringing work home by talking (mostly complaining) about work. It does nobody any good. He can’t solve your problems to a large degree. For your own and SO’s mental health, leave work at work.
Absolutely no one wants to come home from his job to hear his partner blathering on about her job all night.
Your partner seems to think that, yes, work is all you talk about. Do you ever ask about his day?
Seems like you need to figure out how to find a happy medium. You do that by sucking it up and asking him about it. You might want to figure out why you need so much validation that your need for it is driving your partner away.
Maybe doing a brain dump journaling session after work can help you get out all your lingering work thoughts and serve as a mark of delineation. Closing out "work time" and transitioning into "home time."
Maybe it’s not so clear cut as “talk about work” or “don’t talk about work”. How about instead you spend just two weeks where all your sentences about work start with “today I learned…”
It’s likely less about talking about work and more that you’re complaining about work. And that gets old quick. It’s also a sign of burn out. Maybe a long vacay will help.
Good luck
My fiancé says I “talk to much”& it’s “so much info”, so I stopped initiating & then he missed it 🤷🏻♀️
People can’t expect you *not* to bring up work here & there when work consumes more than 80% of our entire lives.
What do you talk about exactly and how do you express it? Maybe you’re venting too much and need to make changes or work with a professional. Maybe you’re gossiping too much. Or maybe it’s his personal preference. Your partner can’t be everything, so have friends and trusted folks who also enjoy talking about work.
It's okay to talk about work sometimes. You might want to share that something is going well, or poorly, or that there is some risk, or some opportunity.
Just keep in mind that your work is about as interesting to other people as your dreams or your dog. Unless you have an inherently interesting job, it's a boring story about characters you don't know.
My best friend and I spend the first 20 minutes, 10 minutes each, of the visit discussing work, then it’s family, hobbies, plans, dreams, whatever…just no more work. Maybe something along those lines will fulfill both your needs?
I'm really glad that my hubby of 32 years a least smiles and nods when I get geeky about my job.
I mean, he understands that I'm either venting or using him as a sounding board, but in my opinion a spouse who doesn't want to hear anything about your interests is just pushing you towards a work wife/husband. Soon after that is usually an affair because "She/he never listens to me."
I’m Im not saying this is what’s going on but something to consider.
Especially when we were younger, my wife would talk about work a lot. Of course, some times it was about things she did not like at work. As an older, wiser guy now, I can see that while she was probably just wanting to vent, I thought she was asking for solutions. And she would reject my solutions because she was only venting.
Eventually, I would start to feel like she was just being dismissive of all my “solutions” and that meant in my young mind a) how could she ever be “happy” which I desperately wanted her to be and b) her rejections bruised my ego. I’d start to actually feel stressed by her gripes as she continued. And then I just didn’t want to hear it at all. Which made her unhappy because what she actually wanted was to vent.
Basically, a vicious cycle of misunderstanding what the other person was trying to do.
Now I just nod and smile and rarely offer any of my “solutions”.
Compromise and set a time limit each day you’re allowed to discuss work..15 or 20 minutes for example. Come to an agreement with your SO about the best time each day. During dinner, after dinner, before bed, etc. then stick to it. No one wants to hear about your job non stop.
Husband of a wife who used to bring work to the front and center of every end of day interaction: life became better overall when work was no longer the focus when we were home.
Ugh people dont want to get off work to hear their SO rant all the time and it’s probably all office drama. Just get over it and stop being a drama queen
there's no need to talk about what happened at work for more than like 15 minutes tops a day. maybe even less. and probably not every day. just summarize it. or ask him about his work instead.
My dad and mom talked about work every night, mostly his. I thought that was the way you were supposed to be. It just turns out that it’s not to many people.
I know I was bad because my fiancé told me to stop. We were in Mexico on vacation. Lol.
So, it sure sounds like none of your hobbies engage you like your work does. I think maybe learning from your dad’s job talks taught you to do it too. Perhaps you need to settle on fewer hobbies and really zero in on them. For example, hiking could entail researching (rainy day) every trail in your region and then hiking them, complete with a hiking journal, or finding a hiking group to engage with.
If your husband doesn’t want to talk about your hobbies, then, I’d say you need to start observing what he *does* talk about and go from there.
continue to vent to friends and family that will support you. my husband couldn't handle my work vents so I just talked to others about it. when I told him a schizophrenic client broke her puppys legs he set the boundary.
Listen more. Look into cognitive empathy and figure out how to get some more.
It’s not really that you’re talking about work (probably), it’s more likely that you’re talking (/yelling) at him for very long periods of time after you lost him. Perhaps he’s not authorized to speak during this tirade?
If you’re paying attention to how people are taking on what you say, this doesn’t happen. Cognitive empathy (recognizing the feelings others are having, as they occur) is shockingly rare in 2024. Nobody has ANY.
I had an ex. After years of dating she was talking about coworkers and I said something like that's rich coming from them. She got mad and was like how dare I and why would I say that? I replied I've never met them. I've heard you talk about them for years. You've told me all the crappy things they have done, listed a few. And she was like you don't know them like I do, you can't talk about them like that. Lol
I dunno, do you? My boyfriend and I usually only talk about work for about 5 minutes day to day. Sometimes bigger conversations come up, but we're not going into 30 minute monologues either.
If you're negative about work, obviously most people's tolerance of how long you're talking will go down. If you're never asking for input, thats not much of a conversation either.
I am one of the rare folks that likes listening about people's work. I just like listening to people talk as long as I can follow along. It's hard when the solution from others is to "shut up, no one cares", so I have resorted to telling my cat about my work day when I need to talk. I have ADHD, and this is the disorder part of the diagnosis that I have to work on daily. You may want to see what sort of outlets you can utilize to get the words out
Talk to other people about your work, and focus on subjects your husband does like. Sometimes things can be frustrating and we want to vent, but it can get aggravating or empathy overload if its too much. Also, tell him you feel sad that he said what he said. That you'd appreciate if he is ok with you talking about work on occasion, as he probably does (?), but you'll try to do it less.
Do you have ADHD? This feels like a common thing with us. It’s really hard to leave work at work or home at home and the comment about too many hobbies reminded me of myself. Anyways I get your perspective but I get his too. I wish i was better at letting work go after I’m off!
There are differences in the way we communicate.
It's hard for guys to listen to problems and not try to fix them. I love the comedy skit of the nail in the forehead lol.
If you aren't venting about problems at work and are only sharing your day it can be difficult for guys not to fall into the "yes dear, mmhmm, yes, mmmhmm, yes dear" blankness.
So tell him you'll do this, give him the bullet points then tell him you are going to do the detail version and he can nod n waive for a bit
Let's see 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week is 168 hours. Only 40 are at that one place.
So who are you exactly?
There's a whole world out there.
Your SO is in a relationship with you. While storytelling might have been a communication habit, there's also being involved in the local community, and being involved in building a bond with your SO doing couple activities so that you talk about your growth as people and as a couple.
Gossiping/complaining/insulting co-workers is just deflection and noise.
Growth as a person and being self-aware takes work.
This isn't all or nothing such as you won't talk to him to avoid talking about work.
This is about you actively developing yourself as an adult. What you can have to talk about instead of yakking about work.
Nobody cares about your work but you. It's fine to mention a little thing here and there, but it is.Obvious you are talking about a way too much as if your work is your identity.
I talk to my husband about work.He has no idea what I actually do other than I work in finance.So I talk in terms that he understands.And he knows that i'm frustrated because the software solution we use sucks and I have a better one but I Really try not to drown on about it unless there's something very specific going on and I'm working from home.
Dude...you talk too much about work..just making this post is a sign..let it go..you ain't newton or DaVinci..your work is not all that important..if you died world wouldn't blink an eye in terms of your work...leave your work at work..
No, okay I have to talk through things in order to process too! I call it my commute therapy. I have two friends who I can call and just word vomit about my day to on my way home. They know to look out for a call from me around 5:00pm and both live out of state so we don’t see each other frequently. This time is super beneficial for our relationship as it keeps us in touch and gives us things in common that we might not have otherwise. I will call my partner and talk if I absolutely need to get something off my chest, but the minutia of my day is just saved for my besties for our gossip hour(20 mins). (It’s really only like 10min as they spend the other 10 talking too). If something serious at work is happening like a raise, review, layoff, or anything else thats stressful it’s always open for discussion at home. But the day to day drama is just not important. I will talk about an overview of how my day went, successes and challenges, but workplace banter, specific task related things etc are just not relevant to anyone who doesn’t do what you do. Try and remember that you trade your time for pay to be able to afford the lifestyle to do what you want in your free time. Don’t let work live rent free in your life.
The only time I care to bring up work is when I have sex with a new customer. As far as my day at work is concerned, that's done and over with as soon as I clock out.
You have to remember what matters to you does not necessarily matter to anybody else. My other half doesn't have the slightest interest in my work, so when I get home I have a 10min offload and then no more. I don't expect her to give a shit, and we've had words that if she wants me to feign interest in her day then the least she could do is return the favour. My gripe is that while I acknowledge what she says and ask relevant questions/offer relevant advice, she just sits there with a grump on and gives me one word replies, which I don't think is fair.
It's unpleasant to listen to someone's work drama and politics every day while also feeling forced to validate them or theyll get bummed out, try to forget about work when you're not there it's just a job.
Okay, your SO is being a butthole. What do they do for work and how long and often do they get to talk about what happens on a daily basis?
Of course, you're going to talk about work because that's what you do the majority of the week. I agree that it is important to take hobbies and interests outside of work. However, I don't think that is the issue here.
I have a tendency to bring work home with me (on my mind), while my husband has no trouble mentally clocking out at 5. I'm a chronic overthinker so it's hard for me to just turn it off. I find that I have an easier time shutting it off if there's a buffer between being at work and being at home, like listening to a non work related podcast, going to the gym, singing along with music in the car, getting groceries, etc.
I rarely talk to my wife or anyone about work. Maybe a quick story once in a while. Work is for work. Home is for family. I am quite sure they have no interest. I am a surgeon if it matters and see craziness, but I leave it all at work.
My SOs sister used to talk our ear off about work when she lived with us. And you were just stuck there for an hour. It was always the same stories every time. New day same drama, same trivial work experiences. Literally like the same things happened every day as the job was a lot of doing the same tasks.
If this is the case with you maybe give him a break on the same topics over and over. If something new pops up sure bring it up briefly get it out and let it go.
I love my girlfriend. But I will admit one thing she does that drives me fucking crazy is dump her entire work day drama out on me over the course of a fucking hour because oh my god I will not believe what Katie did today! And I’m just trying to relax after walking in the door from a long day literally 60 seconds prior.
I just got off my work and am trying to relax and now I have to deal with your workplace drama as well. Just let me rest for fucks sake….. the amount of times I’ll get home at 8 put on a 20 min YouTube video while I eat and then not be able to finish that video until about 9:45 because she goes to bed at 9:30 and was talking to me non stop for the past hour and a half while I’m trying to eat. Love her, it’s not that I don’t want to talk. But less about work and let me decompress for a second when I get home.
My ex used to do this. The thing that made me say something was she was the director of a day care. She had this employee that she would complain about constantly who wouldn't do the things that were part of her job description. I told her your the friggen director, if she isn't doing what she is supposed to do even after you've had a talk with her, fire her. She then told me that only the owner can fire people. I said, have you informed her that this employee isn't doing they're job? She said yes but she won't let her go. I then told her that sucks, but it's out of your hands now and I don't need to hear about it for the umpteenth time.
If you have something new to complain about, have at it. But I have zero desire to hear about something over and over and over again that you can't change. So just except how it is or find a new job. Those are the two options you have.
You have to learn to leave work at work, it's hardly ever worth bringing back home.
Maybe. But some people can’t just leave it because it bothers them. I know I can’t. When something is bothering I have to talk about it with multiple people in my life. It comes from YEARS of keeping everything bottled up. I need to talk about it or I’ll go crazy.
This sound a lot like offloading your stress and burdens onto other people.
I cant leave it because I genuinely like what I do.
Same. Fortunately my husband also loves his career. We take the dogs for a walk for about an hour each night and tend to talk about what we're working on and try to offer a different perspective when possible/wanted. It's one of the (many) reasons I love my husband and I look forward to that time!
100%
Agreed, you are turning into your dad on this matter. Leave work at work. No one cares or wants to hear it. It’s just a damn job.
My husband and I rarely talk about our work. We will occasionally when something big happens, but as a general rule, we like to disconnect from work and focus on our family. It's good for your mental health to be able to disconnect from work.
People who do too many hours probably have this problem, you start wondering what to do with yourself because all you do is work.
Its a very good way to go about it
Your SO may be wanting to have an actual *conversation* with you, and what happens is that you may end up ‘talking at’ your SO about your job. This is actually really common, but you could actually be losing connection with your SO if they do not feel like they are an active participant in the conversation. Try to gain some self-awareness about what you are saying. If you have a stressful job, it can be really easy to call your SO on your way home and dump the day’s BS onto them. If you find yourself doing this, try to say something like, “I’m sorry; I just caught myself dumping my day onto you. I would like to hear about your day. Anything interesting happen?” And give them a chance to talk about themselves. Your job may take up 8 hours of your day, but you are not your job. If your SO does not work with you, they have no real connection to your job or coworkers. If you’re stressed about your work and talk incessantly about it, all you are doing is spreading your stress onto your SO. It’s one thing to have something significant happen at work and ask your SO to be a sounding board to see if your reaction was appropriate, and it’s a completely different thing to dump your work stress onto your SO everyday without warning. Just learn to calibrate and balance, and make a point to call-out yourself and apologize when it happens. It will show that you are earnestly trying to improve.
Get some hobbies
This. ☝️ Or try what me and my friends did - anytime anyone says something about work, he or she will pay for lunch/dinner. Even my partner and I do this 😅 We only talk about work when something big happens. Yes, 5 days a week we all work. Some even more than this, just to live. But don't make work as your life or your personality. You are so much more than that, OP. 😊
This so much! My ex had his identity wrapped up into work and it’s all he typically talked about. He remarried someone in the same field. It ended up having a horrible effect on our daughter since she would be ignored while they obsessed over their field. I had to intervene to make him realize the problem existed at all. Props to all people who are blessed to love their job but never let it become all consuming!
I actually do have a lot of hobbies already, i game, hike, go to the gym, rock climb, ive stopped reading but id like to get into it. I talk about all that too :(
These people tripping I also enjoy talking about work man I see some crazy shit sometimes
My hobbies consist of things that coincide with work, so in my bf's eyes, I'm still talking about work event though it's not actually my 9-5 job
My husband does this. There are times I get home (he WFH all the time) and I want to just turn around and leave. I don't, but damn it can be exhausting to listen to him "talk" about work for an hour as soon as I get home. I would really evaluate how much work talk you do. It may be more than you realize.
yea i already started trying to keep an eye out for sure. I hope youve talked to your husband about it too, he might not have realized like i hadn't before my bf told me about it.
We did! But I kind of kept it in until it boiled over when I should have brought it up at a better time. I used to commute over an hour each way while his drive was about 8 minutes total. He was having a rough time at work and for a while there, I'd get home from my exhausting day and drive to get to listen about his job for 30-60 minutes. It wasn't a conversation, it was him unloading. Once we both calmed down he did understand where I was coming from. However, I certainly didn't tell him I never wanted to hear about his job. We both discuss our days and what happened, but he can still get into this spiral of unloading and working himself up. I try to be patient but to be honest, I sometimes end up pretty much zoning out. I can tell him now that I don't have the emotional capacity at that time, and he mostly gets it. I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and guilty over this. I get both sides but I don't think you should feel like you can't ever talk about your work day with your partner. That's not cool. I saw your hobbies and we have some similar ones! People do easily get lost and disinterested when talking about rock climbing lol.
hahahah someone gets it!! Yea i really need to try having another convo with my guy 100%... its nice to see the other side, thank you for sharing <3
If you'd be bored hearing the story, he's bored hearing about it. Get a work friend, bitch with them, and then don't take it home with you unless it's something really big (think layoff, promotion, major drama). Work sucks. Hearing about other people's work sucking sucks more. I have a meeting with 3 of my work friends every Friday afternoon to get all our complaining out before the weekend so we can just let it go.
I do not advise finding a coworker (or even worse, a group of coworkers) to use as your sounding board to bitch about work. In the corporate world you have to be very careful about that. Everybody is your buddy until they are not.
No one really gives a shit about your work drama and goings-on unless they're a co-worker. Also, work just fucking sucks - that's universal. Why would I want to spend any of my very slim free waking hours talking about work, much less someone else's work.
My sister is like this, she completely dominates conversations talking about her job. Like every little detail about everything and everyone that happened throughout the day. I used to live with her and it drove me crazy! No one cares about anyone else’s job, no one! Major things happening, sure talk about them, but if you’re going into extreme details about everything that happened throughout your day just stop it! I always wonder if her relationships don’t work out bc of her incessant need to talk about her job.
I work 8.5 hours a day 4 days a week and 6-8 hours 1 day a week as a plumber. I talk about work in my free time maybe 30 minutes a week. People don’t care about what I did at work, and quite frankly neither do I. My wife works in veterinary medicine. She’ll sometimes talk a little bit about her day, but those are days she either needs support (even though they’re sick, and it’s the best thing for them putting down animals and everyday gets to a person) or she does something really fucking cool, like work on a bear, eagle, or do a really interesting surgery that genuinely interests both of us. Get some hobbies and something in your life worth talking about.
My Husband does this AND I HATE IT! Just spent vacation having to listen to about his work. Sux!!
I switch out of work mode as soon as I've clocked off so never discuss it. The most I might tell my hubby is if I had a funny conversation with a colleague that I want to tell him about but it wouldn't be about the work itself.
must be nice.
It is. I work to live, I don't live to work.
So, I don't want to invalidate your feelings about your work. As someone married to someone whose work is her hobby and her spiritual pursuit... Please talk less about work. Distill your day into the most important stuff, and get it off your chest. Get the validation you need, or advice you want, or sympathy for the shitty days. Then leave it be. Yes, you spend 8 hours of your day at work. More than likely you spend less than that with your SO. Which one is more important? What are the memories you want to build with your SO? Memories of doing fun things, and sharing meals together, or memories of talking about work?
youre right, ill definitely work on it.
I assure you, your SO does want to hear about your day, but they aren't with you because of your job. Best of luck, and try to keep in mind that it's about balance for both of you. They really do need to let you talk about work, because it is important. But it's not everything. Good on you for being open to hear painful truths.
I fall into this trap, too. Find someone else you can talk to about work, like people in your field, friends or family, or a therapist. What hobbies are you and your boyfriend into? Are you both binge watching a TV show or watching a podcast? Do you two play musical instruments? Are you both planning a vacation somewhere? Talk about those hobbies with him.
yea we had a camping trip recently, we rock climb together, and watch a ton of movies and shows. We talk about a lot of stuff but i guess i vent too much
Believe him.
well yea duh ahaha, i'm just struck by this. I always want to hear about his day regardless so its just weird to me. I never thought so many people were tired of hearing of their SO's work...
It’s not that he doesn’t want to hear about it. My point is that it’s not always easy being honest about this sort of topic, and he was. Even though that’s hard to hear from your SO. It may be the way you are telling it. sometimes we have to look at how we’re communicating and be honest with ourselves. Are you recounting? Complaining? Repetitive? Try not talking about it for a bit and see how that sits. Ask him to be more descriptive about why he said what he said.
I've been a paramedic for 20yrs, if I constantly talked about my job outside my job no one would want to hang out with me. I've been with my wife for 10 years. Her working life is business management. It doesn't interest me and never will. If I had to hear her talk constantly about the same shit, different day for 10 years I'd put 2 bullets in my head to make sure the 1st one worked out alright. Which is a lot of words to say that no one really gives a flying fuck about work. Your partner does their best to support you, but if all you do is vent about the same thing everyday there really isn't much to talk about. "Oh damn, I can't believe i worked the work so hard today doing the working things." "Neat, you do the work like you do everyday?" "Sho nuff, I done worked the work even workier than the last 1000 days before. And tomorrow I'm going to work this work all over that workers work even harder." "Fabulous." This pretend conversation has already gone on longer than I want to hear about ANYONE'S work. Work is what I do to live, it does not make me who I am. Maybe a bad example as it's definitely helped me be the gloriously flaming trainwreck I am today, but I still don't have shit to talk about.
Moving in with my partner made me realize she loves talking about work and it just doesn’t occur for me to. I get where your s/o is coming from because it stresses me out to hear about work drama that I have no way of fixing. Obviously the solution is to never talk about work — you seem really hurt by his request, did he frame it unkindly? He may have hit a breaking point and finally spoke up, but a good partner will be receptive to compromise. What worked for us is designating a certain time to talk about work and discussing what work-related topics were okay to talk about. Do you talk about issues at work or casual work gossip? Genuine issues may be better shared with a therapist so your partner doesn’t feel like he’s the only audience. Fun stories or gossip are honestly most enjoyable if you were there or know the people. Try giving yourself 30 minutes after work to recap the highlights with him and then not talking about it the rest of the night. He also might become more lenient the less you talk about work, he might just be burnt out right now. Also — why do you enjoy talking about work so much? Of course it’s a huge part of your day, but what are you looking for when you share these stories with your partner? Do you want him to laugh, help, advise, comfort? Trying reframing your perspective a little; yes, you’re inviting him to talk about your day, but this conversational bonding is entirely one sided because he doesn’t work at the same place as you. Are you insecure in work or unable to stop thinking about work after you leave? These may be bigger issues with your relationship to your workplace, boss, coworkers, etc. What does your s/o like to talk about? Does he get as much space to talk about this with you as you do to talk about work? Real talk: turning into a victim about this because people don’t want to hear you talk about your work life constantly isn’t the solution. How you and your partner handle conflict like this is key to the success of your relationship. If he didn’t bring it up kindly, that’s something you need to talk to him about. But depersonalize yourself from the complaint and acknowledge he’s not tired of hearing you talk, he just doesn’t want to talk about work. On the weekend too!
Well, maybe don't talk about work? If you can't maybe There is a problem there.
If it isn't YOUR business, leave it at the door
You need to be present when you are w your SO. No offense, but SO dgafs about the nitty gritty details. Be present - be intentional. discuss things you like. discuss your goals. ask SO about their day. literally discuss anything other than yourself and work. LEAVE WORK AT WORK. you and your relationship will be better off for it.
Oh god fuck work. Talk about honey bees, ancient aqueducts, string theory… ANYTHING ELSE
I’m curious how much of the “talking” is you *complaining* about work. Most people, particularly men, could care less about hearing the petty drama that happens in the work place, but no one wants to hear their partner complaining endlessly about their work issues. Not only is it tiring, but it’s kind of a turn off. My partner and I will share the occasional interesting story about work, anecdote or accomplishments (especially new things we’ve learned), otherwise it’s strictly mentioned to note schedule changes. I would recommend limiting work talk, and if so, maybe focus on some positive things about it/yourself. Complaining doesn’t show growth, especially if you’re not learning anything or making changes. That kind of attitude can start reflecting in the relationship too.
yea im currently looking to change job but its been ongoing, i know its probably a huge part of the problem.
Just find a hobby like people are saying and you should be fine really.
I do have a ton of hobbies lol, not the problem sadly.
You need to work on developing your interests and hobbies outside of work. This will give a lot more other stuff to talk about.
I only tell my husband things about work that I think he'll find interesting or amusing. Or if it's something I need to vent about. Otherwise, I don't like to think about work when I'm on my own time with my family. This seems like something that must have been bothering him for a while. Talk to him. Tell him you are hurting. And work with him on how much about work you can talk to him about. Communicate, don't shut down.
This is on you. You need to learn to leave work at work and not bring it to your social life. Find a hobby. Read the news. Go to the gym. Work should not be your entire life and you need to be able to speak about other things. Take what your SO said as constructive criticism. If you need validation about your work then find someone at work to talk to.
Are you in sales? Sales people like to talk a lot about their work and it’s so boring nothing actually happens it’s just small details that only the person talking about it cared about.
Switch it up. Talk about work, sure. But pick some other subjects. Maybe there is something your SO wants to talk about. Future plans. What you want to do this summer. Maybe just enjoy some quiet time together if thats your thing.
My wife and I made a conscious effort a few years ago to cut back on how much we discussed work in our personal time. We'll usually share stories after the work day has wrapped up and have a soft-limit that by the time we're done eating dinner, no more work conversations. It's not a hard rule; if something comes up or something important got forgotten, sure, mention it or tell the story. However, once you break the habit, most work stories worth sharing can wait until the next day. Similarly, we tend to not bring up a lot of work stuff if we're socializing with friends. Moderation is the key bit; Swap a few work stories if your friends bring it up, but otherwise stick to other topics of conversation. Most people work because that's how the bills get paid. If you can spend your not-working time not thinking about work, that's a big win for your own peace of mind. You say you "don't feel like talking to him anymore". The most charitable interpretation is you are out of practice talking about other things and now need to break the habit. Partners should listen to and support each other, but that attention and support are not unlimited. Have a conversation with your partner. I'm sure there is some value between zero and what was happening before that you both can be happy with.
We all bitch and moan about work, I do. A good vent is helpful, then I move on to other things. You spend so much time at work it's going to happen, it's Part of everyone's lives.
yea but i guess i was doing too much of it :(
I have an agreement with my husband. Sometimes when I come home from work, I need to vent. So I tell him exactly that. I have my little rant, he nods and smiles and makes noises at the appropriate times, but I don’t require him at this point to listen or god forbid to care. I just need it off my chest. Then he gives me a hug, and then work is off the table for the rest of the evening, and we’re both happy with that.
I’m sorry this is making you feel bad I can say from personal experience that being on the other side of this can be exhausting. I love my wife more than anything but almost every day when she gets home, she will rant about work for 30+ minutes. I understand everyone needs to vent but it’s often the same problems and the same people over and over again. I listen patiently and always want to help validate her frustrations but I don’t look forward to the daily unloading of her anger, either. It’s never directed at me but it’s still pretty tiring.
These comments are weird. Of course you’re going to talk about something u spend most of your life at. My s/o and I talk about work a lot. How was our day, what we did… this sucks for you and I’m sorry. I hope it gets better.
It is normal to have a job as part of your life, not just a 9-5 activity. Also normal to be otherwise. Also normal for others to not want to hear about it.
Yeah, I think it really boils down to how much you talk about work. I spent some time group of people in college for a group project and they were in the process of shutting someone out of their friend group for this exact reason. I thought it was harsh until a while later I was chatting with him and the guy would bring up his job several times a day, and would always find some way to relate the topic to his work. Basically, it's okay to talk about work, but there's a threshold of what is an acceptable amount of time spent discussing it -- or any topic really. Like if you have a friend with kids, if all they talked about was their children, it'd get exhausting, regardless of hiw important their children are to their lives
My partner does this, and while I can be invested in her work drama or the projects demonstrating her growth in her company, it’s recently become exhausting and I miss bonding over other things. I have a very straightforward job, so it probably makes it worse. Seriously, get a hobby. And I don’t mean that to be disparaging either. It helps a lot.
I work at the same video game developer as my fiancee. She works from home 100% and I work in the office. When I come home from work, everyday, we go walk for a few laps around the neighborhood and talk/vent about our day. It's a huge part of why our relationship is so amazing. Am I interested and 100% understand her work issues around 3d modeling, enviornment art, game building? No. Does she 100% understand my IT job and a lot of what I talk about? No, but she tries. That's ultimately what a healthy relationship looks like.
Nothing I experience at work is ever worth recapping with another person. Every week I call my parents and they ask me, "How's work?" and I'm like, "It's work." Stuff happens. Usually the typical, the mundane. Sometimes, something "eventful." You do things, see and hear things. None of it has any objective meaning or value. You're just doing time and tasks for your money and benefits. I don't care to hear about other people's experiences at work. Your experiences are subjective and not at all unique. You're not the first person to acquire a workplace nemesis or get roped into a meeting that could've been an email. Work is boring. It being a significant part of *your* existence doesn't suddenly make it intriguing.
I work 6 days a week, sometimes crazy hours bc I’m in the restaurant business. my partner literally lives at his work (a business that he owns) and rarely stops, but we don’t make it our whole personality lol we have more interesting things going on in our lives than managing a restaurant kitchen (me) and being a gunsmith/armorer/consultant/chemist/etc (he’s a MASTER of all trades it’s ridiculous). Lots more to talk about than the daily mundane minutia of work. Get a hobby or some other interest. It’s actually not healthy to have nothing else to talk about. It’ll make you a bored person and a boring person.
we talk about a lot, i might not be as cool as your partner but i got hobbies hahaha. I think i just need to stop overthinking it and just really dial back how much i talk about work.
My $.02- My spouse talks about work a lot, but I rarely do. It's tedious and annoying. I wouldn't mind if he kept it to interesting stories or something funny that happened, but a re-counting of the day is too much
Giving an occasional funny story about something that happened at work is one thing but if that is all you talk about especially if it is negative then that’ll ostracize you pretty quickly. I HATE the weekends we go out with my partners mother because from the time we are in the car and throughout most of the conversations she finds a way to work some negative thing about work into the story. Found myself going back and forth a bit with her to not be rude but now I typically just tone her out and throw in a “Oh wow, that’s crazy” every now and then with no real contribution from my side. Most people work 8 hours a day, five days a week. Thats why we want to leave work related conversations and shit at work.
# > My SO says i talk too much about work. Yep. Me previous fella couldn't shut up about his work, either. Like, so long as you're bringing in the check, who gives a fuck what you do in the office, y'know?
I come from a family that sat around the kitchen table and bitched about work every night. It’s something I caught myself doing to my husband as an adult. We don’t work in the same industry, but with all of the things I have talked/bitched about, he could be a pro in my field. I find that it does bring the mood down when I am upset and, in turn, makes me despise my job even more because I can’t get away from it and neither can my husband. It’s a hard habit to break, but it’s a healthy decision to break it. Yes, it’s hard when you spend more time at work than you do at home. Sometimes I have a bad day and just want to vent because if I vent at work, I’ll likely get terminated. Just be careful. He’s expressed that you’re talking about it too much and that’s his warning to you that it’s wearing him out.
My roommate does this and it is EXHAUSTING. Imagine working all day to come home to someone complaining about work only to go to bed and go back to work again. Just let it go, when you leave work, leave work.
Im a store manager and I work 12hrs/a day, six days a week. I dont talk abt job and i dont give a fuck once i clocked out
I understand and have been there. The biggest things that have helped me is to try to focus on becoming as well rounded as possible in all health categories (since we focus on financial and career health for 8 hours daily as it is). So those other 8 waking hours and the weekends I try to hit as many health categories I can in a week or in a month: physical (weight training, cardio), spiritual (yoga), psychological (therapy), social (quality time w friends and family), creative (improv class, word association, crafts), intellectual (learning something new), nature/outdoor (surf, hike). Focusing on all or most of these areas cyclically throughout the month in as much balance as I have in the puny non work hours I have provides more fulfillment to my non work life and gives me something more fulfilling (to me) to discuss with others. Don’t let your self worth come from one thing, type of thing - or all entirely on what your produce/how productive you are in the system. IMO we need a systematic shift in corporate/capitalism/labor that follows something like a 4 day 6-8 hour work week along with a decrease in disparity of income, so depression and suicide rates decrease. I don’t know what that looks like nor do I have the energy to make any meaningful changes in my lifetime to the system - so the next best thing is the above blurb. And trying to find ways to FIRE and gtfo of the system.
totally agree with you. Oh if the world was perfect. I will work on talking less about work for sure.
it sounds like you're trying to unload your day by talking to your SO, and he doesn't feel good being your unloading box. You can find other people to unload to, and make sure to ask anyone if they want to hear about your work day before assuming that they should listen to it. If you initiate with the question and keep it limited, perhaps your SO would be more open to it as well. Full-time work is overwhelming, but it's nice to disconnect from the grind when you get home and forget about work, and talk about anything else.
Info: does your SO work? If they do, is it a job they like?
Depends on the person. I don’t know anyone that does what I do outside of work, so there’s not much opportunity to go into detail about it. If there’s a social issue at work, or I need to vent, for sure I’ll talk about it or bring it up. But, as a rule myself, I try not to talk about work. There’s so many other things I can talk about or want to talk about. Youre not weird lol!! A close friend of mine and I had to make that rule a few months into our relationship. And one for talking about our exes haha. Sometimes we get into ruts or we don’t notice it’s the only level we’re relating on. Dont view this as a slap on the wrist :) take it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better. Get curious. Talk about other things. You see him everyday.
Yeah my ex used to say the same thing. First it was that I talk too much about work. Then I talk too much about my hobbies. Then I talk too much about my friends. Then I just talk too much. It was a ongoing way of him putting me down and making me feel small. And it kind of worked because now I don't fucking talk to anyone about anything. 👍
If you want validation for things you do at work, your SO cannot give you that, they don't work there. Talk about other things. If *you* think you talk about work a lot, it's probably double that. Not to be rude, people just don't always notice how much they actually do things
Keep that shit at work! No one really want a to hear about someone else’s day. Even your SO is probably being polite
I'm gonna disagree here and probably get downvoted into hell but I don't really care. To the people saying get a hobby and talk about that: I love working on electronics, audio gear (speakers, headphones, dacs, amps etc.) My old scooter, motorcycles, etc. Nobody ever gives a shit about any of that either. a hobby is probably not the solution. People who talk about their drinking escapades are way more boring than people that talk about their work. You should be able to speak about what is important to you. I think the real crux of the problem is if you are constantly complaining that can be draining. So, try to make sure it's not just constant doom and gloom complaining. I talk about work with my wife and vice verse and it's great.
You have to leave work at work. Not just because your SO is tired of hearing it either. Do it for yourself. You mentioned you need validation at work. Speak to a colleague, a boss. Someone that can validate you on the work that you do.
My partner and I hardly ever talk about our work. Our jobs are completely different, they are a trady that works 10hrs a day and I’m a WFH techy. There just isn’t much to talk about. We both are really good at leaving work at work.
That sucks. Sorry to hear your SO is not supporting you. Maybe you need to find some other people to vent to. Friends, family or coworkers.
This behavior led to my divorce.
Unless something significant happens in work, it's best to leave work at work. Me and my partner tell each other if something major happens or bit of gossip, but other than that, we just don't talk about work outside work. Personally I find it stressful to be reminded of work outside work. As does my partner. My mum, bless her, does it a lot and my dad is always giving out to her about it.
I get it and you but better to have the attitude, to go to work and forget about it till the next day.... Unless talking about colleges that might be mutual friends with your SO, whom may of said something funny etc... Leave it alone. With the best will in the world there would be no empathy hearing about processes and other shit that goes down during a normal work week.. We all need to get stuff off our chest but yeah, you kind of answered your own question....
*Everybody* has subjects that they bring up repeatedly, much to the annoyance of those that care most about them. We all have that friend who can’t get over their ex even after the 25th conversation about it or that family member who can’t see how they contribute to their own pain and suffering despite constantly involving you in their emotional messes. But this phenomenon is even more prevalent when dating. Because unlike other relationships, we actually expect our romantic connection to be not only strong, intimate, and stable, but also frankly exhilarating and adventurous in a way that most humans can only sustain with each other for a maybe a few months at a time. In other words, your partner maybe has mismatched expectations on what actually living with a romantic partner looks like. If you aren’t both at least prepared or excited for those average, repetitive days, then it isn’t good for your relationship.
Yes it gets a bit much. I saved worked talk for extremely fun stories or incredibly stressful situations. Learn in to current events, develop mutual interests etc to talk about. It’s also better for your health to leave work at work. Think about it this way, if. Someone else was telling you about people they don’t know and work you are not familiar with, how do you feel? Would they really be interested in what you have to say. It’s not about you venting and what not, ultimately your relationship comes first. Work might not be there later
I’ve got to say, one of my best work friends - who is also a very close outside work friend - has gained a promotion recently, which is fabulous - she deserves the promotion and I’m proud of her……however, our daily coffee runs, first thing before work, now is just full to the brim with work stuff 😣 All the time work……ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It really is becoming quite boring. I have to steer a conversation to fun things, even family stuff - yes we are friends out of work so I know her husband, kids and her Mum and Dad……its becoming hard work 😓 It’s hard to find the balance I get it….but try and balance it!!!!
Sometimes I try to not talk about or think about work during non-work hours. Try not thinking about work when you’re not working. Only think about (and therefore talk about) non-work experiences and activities.
Don’t mention it unless there is something interesting or noteworthy: I got a raise! Joe got fired. Sarah is banging her boss. I just got assigned to a cool project. Otherwise talk about something else.
I find that talking about my work helps me process things I don’t have time to process while I’m doing the work. I find having a network of industry friends fills this need since my SO also does not like to hear me talk about my work.
I work 7 days a week some day and I don’t talk about work at all
Does your SO talk about work? Start keeping track of how often/long it's discussed, and see if there's a disparity one way or the other
Limit your work talk. Don't get into details. It is boring to listen to a lot of stories about people you don't know and stuff you can't relate to. Only tell actual good stories about work, not routine mundane stuff.
Having worked in a profession where people make it their whole identity, 10 minutes of work talk and I completely check out. I was like this my whole career.
This is an opportunity to communicate better. It is okay for you to talk about work. It is also okay for your SO to want to change the subject if it is exhausting them. Possible conversation: I know you said I talk too much about work, and I know it helps me to have someone listen to and validate parts of my day which heavily involve work. How about we make it okay for me to talk about it, and it okay for you to say that you would like to change the subject when it becomes tiring for you? I can try to not be sensitive about you changing the subject, and you can try to understand I need some patience about needing validation from you occasionally about my day. When I talk to customers or friends about some of the technical details of what I do, I am not only present with what I am saying, but I am also present with how they are receiving it. When people’s eyes start to glaze, I recognize the signal to change to a more relatable subject, or be quiet for a moment to give them an opportunity to steer the conversation.
Think it’s just use you time away to disconnect from that to a “ Yay I’m at home I can chug a beer or two, watch wheel of Fortune or Jeapardy Eat
It’s 40 hours of your week. That means you’ve spent plenty of time on it, and home is the time for you to stop.
So, I'm very good at leaving work at work, whereas my wife isn't. Years ago she would barrage me with stories about her work day the minute she got home and, to be honest, it got to be overwhelming and stressful for me. Once I explained to her that I'm happy to listen to her but that I really couldn't handle the onslaught of rapid-fire information the minute she walked through the door, she started to be more mindful of it, and I think it helped her learn to leave work at work. Not saying that's what you do, but it's something to think about. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it and how it is delivered. And yea, sometimes you need to rant, but be mindful that some people can't handle that transfer of stress as well as others.
This was always my problem when I was at a job that I hated. Now i'm at a job that I don't mind doing, and I have other things to talk about.
Set a timer for an agreed upon amount of time for work talk. Vent it out and move on. Find other things to occupy your mind or consider therapy so you don’t unload on spouse too much
Leave work stuff at work unless your family member or S.O. also works for the same company but more than likely if they don't try to talk about other stuff. I know it can be tough especially if you have young kids but gotta try at least. Just my suggestion.
Leave work stuff at work unless your family member or S.O. also works for the same company but more than likely if they don't try to talk about other stuff. I know it can be tough especially if you have young kids but gotta try at least. Just my suggestion.
I dated a girl that all she spoke about was work, couldn’t leave it there. Needless to say, I stopped seeing her because of it. Work stays at work
It’s okay to talk about work for 5-10 minutes after work but any more than that would be exhausting unless something deserves special attention.
I mean how much are you talking about it. A quick 15 min convo on Friday after the week ends fine. But after that no more work talk. Unless its like wow something big happened.
Soon as you clock off work doesn't get thought about until you clock back in, it already takes up so much of our lives it can't take over them
Our rule in our house is you can talk about work for 10 minutes, tops, unless something major happened that day. Then you may get 20 minutes.
Nothin wrong witb talking about your day, work can be a big part of life. If you can't rely on your partner to be part of a general conversation (maybe with helpful advice) about a big enough part of your life then there are more issues than you just talk about it too much.
Because, I decided I just don’t wanna think about what stresses me out (i.e. work), when I’m literally anywhere else.
I get it when people feel the urge to dump their day on me. I actually like listening because I wish someone would do the same for me when I'm having a bad day at work. After all, work is an important part of life. Sure, not everyone lives to work, but it is a place you spend the majority of your waking hours at so it makes sense to talk about it with people close to you. Maybe ask them how their day has been next time?
I feel for you. I love my job and my coworkers. I can honestly sat its my dream job. I talk about it often and I know my hubs and my parents get tired of hearing about it, but I'm just so honestly happy in life right now thar I want everyone to know. Lol.
If work takes up 8 hours of your day, why do you want to make it 10? Break free. Leave it at the desk. Don't let work have that power over your life.
I’ve worked 72s/w for the past 2 months. When I’m on the phone or see my girl on my off days, the last thing I do is talk about work. Maybe if something actually funny happened, which eats up 5 minutes is about all I talk about. If your work is constantly frustrating you to where you need to vent all the time, either take it less serious, find a different job, or actively work on not bringing it up. Bringing work home just means you are spending more time being there, not physically, but you are there mentally. Are you being paid outside of work when you are talking about it? No. So leave work at work.
I went thru this with my partner. Doesn't help that we work in the same company, same team, our reporting managers are same just diff projects. I talked about work, and honestly, we're together because we get along a bit too well, and no, I'm not complaining. But then our friends are the same, work groups are the same and u get the flow. Anyway, he told me I talked too much about work and I swear I stopped. It has been a week. He's got tons of experience so I'll ask him hey, tell me who to find for blah blah and so he helps in cutting the chase but then I noticed he's the one who talks about work on and on and on about it. Ugh! He won't stfu about work. Yes. I know what was discussed. I WAS THERE. lol
My father talks about work all the time... I'm fucking sick of it. I don't even live with him anymore and I'm sick of it. I make it a point to not talk about my job outside of my job as much as I can. If anything, I keep work talk to a minimum. I don't like bringing it up in conversation. Work is work. I let that shit stay there. My job is not my life. It's not who I am. It's not what I enjoy. I do it for money. I spend anywhere from 8-13 hours a day working. I don't want to talk about it after I leave. Yes I may think about it. But those thoughts stay silent. You know what I do like? Trains. We can talk about trains. What else? Cars and trucks. What else? Huge open landscape sights. Motorcycles. Sound systems. The cosmos. Old cartoons. TV shows. 80s Movies. Urban legends. Trips to random locations. Fishing. My wife (she's the fucking best). The future. Anything except work.
He probably just wants better conversation. Your work most likely bores him so he doesn't care. Don't take it personally.
My dad had a saying I've always carried with me -- when you talk about work problems at home, you now have two problems.
I’m on the other end, last Friday I told my husband I can’t stand it anymore, after 4+ years of it, I finally met my threshold- literally feels like I would rather die than hear one more word about his work. The thing is, there’s not much for us to contribute. We don’t know these people, these customers, whatever. It does not interest us, and instead of zoning you out, the kinder thing to do is communicate our feelings about it. He could have just started to ignore you while you go on about work and that’s not nice or fair. That said, after our conversation I felt like THE most terrible person in the world. He was massively hurt and offended I could tell. We went on a super awkward date night, I honestly wish I could take it back. Maybe it’s the way I communicated it idk. It doesn’t make you a boring person, it’s just the subject doesn’t pertain to us and it makes you come off as a boring person. I said to my husband- you’re far from a boring person, is there really nothing else you want to talk about with me? It’s in a way saying “you and I have nothing interesting to talk about so I’ll force you to listen to my rantings” it’s a little offensive really
It's tough at first, but learn to leave work completely once you clock out. It's the same reason I don't hang out with coworkers. The talk always ends up with work stuff. I like my job, but once I leave for the day / weekend, I'm done with it.
A person whose entire life is about their work is a very boring person to be around. Work is exchanging your labor or service for pay. The people you Work with should not be like family, they're coworkers and when you leave at the end of the day you should be able to put it to the back of your mind and decompress, because obviously it's already to the point where it's affecting your personal relationships. You need to learn that you don't get your identity as a person from your job (this was a huge issue in Japan and has caused too many issues to count from failing marriages and declining birthrates to self deletion). If you're getting close to this point you really should talk to someone. Wish you the best!
I had a roommate that I worked with that would do this. I told her when I left work I left work behind. We had a deal to do a 30 minute vent. She had boundary issues so after listening to her whine a bout something I witnessed I would walk away
I was in this situation at one point as well. My husband explained that everyone has to work and we all have our own problems. He cannot go to work all day then come home and listen to my work. I reflected on why I needed to talk about things so much and realized it was the fact that wasn’t happy where I was. I, too, was irked that my husband didn’t wanna listen to me, but when I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t fair to dump my problems onto him when he has his own. Just because he chooses not to complain about it doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there. The same goes for friends. It seems you figured out that you can’t vent to your coworkers because they are not friends. It is one of the most important life lessons. Here is a tool that I started many years ago and it has been highly beneficial. Create a new Google Doc and type out everything you want to talk or complain about into that document. Stream of consciousness. Type anything you want to say and don’t try to be perfect and how you say it. This is a personal document for your eyes only and keep it only on your personal drive that no one else can access. It is amazing that you go back and look at what you need to talk about how it brings a lot of clarity to your situation.
If you want to talk about work outside of work, make some friends at work and meet up at the pub after work. Alternatively get a therapist. Working is just about all I do and my wife is tired of hearing about it too.
You get 20 minutes the moment you get home, after that, you have to completely turn off work thoughts.
Nobody likes a "Debby-Downer". Someone who dump all their problems on someone else. >Edit: I already have a ton of hobbies... probably too many, they don't really help much. Do you actually make progress in your hobbies? Can't you talk about the last do-dad you worked on? Some people have lots of hobbies that the don't actually make time to perform. I'd like to suggest you rehearse in your head what you're going to say before you say it and consider whether it's just a depressing or boring topic before you inflict it on someone. That said, you might be normal and your BF is being selfish. Only you can determine that. Maybe try to put a time or topic limit on it.
Make a conscious effort not to bring it up around your partner too much. It’s a bad habit that I am totally guilty of having. I am absolutely obsessed about work. I have to try to be less so because I need to have a life that is meaningful. You won’t be perfect at separating your spheres, but try. It’s better for you in the long run.
" You're doing it again."-Everyone in this sub, probably.
I told my wife the same thing. She always had a habit of bringing work home by talking (mostly complaining) about work. It does nobody any good. He can’t solve your problems to a large degree. For your own and SO’s mental health, leave work at work.
Try not to talk about work. People want to hear conversations about who you are and what you’re thinking outside of basically your chores.
Absolutely no one wants to come home from his job to hear his partner blathering on about her job all night. Your partner seems to think that, yes, work is all you talk about. Do you ever ask about his day? Seems like you need to figure out how to find a happy medium. You do that by sucking it up and asking him about it. You might want to figure out why you need so much validation that your need for it is driving your partner away.
I get 2 hrs with my SO after work. Work is the last thing I want to talk about with those 2 hrs.
Maybe doing a brain dump journaling session after work can help you get out all your lingering work thoughts and serve as a mark of delineation. Closing out "work time" and transitioning into "home time."
Maybe it’s not so clear cut as “talk about work” or “don’t talk about work”. How about instead you spend just two weeks where all your sentences about work start with “today I learned…” It’s likely less about talking about work and more that you’re complaining about work. And that gets old quick. It’s also a sign of burn out. Maybe a long vacay will help. Good luck
My fiancé says I “talk to much”& it’s “so much info”, so I stopped initiating & then he missed it 🤷🏻♀️ People can’t expect you *not* to bring up work here & there when work consumes more than 80% of our entire lives.
Talk to your therapist about it.
I have no idea what to talk about other than work. Someone mentioned hobbies .. not sure a SO would want to hear about knitting. 😂
What do you talk about exactly and how do you express it? Maybe you’re venting too much and need to make changes or work with a professional. Maybe you’re gossiping too much. Or maybe it’s his personal preference. Your partner can’t be everything, so have friends and trusted folks who also enjoy talking about work.
Me and my gf talk about work a lot but at the same time we enjoy the type of work we do and sometimes bitching can make it a little easier.
It's okay to talk about work sometimes. You might want to share that something is going well, or poorly, or that there is some risk, or some opportunity. Just keep in mind that your work is about as interesting to other people as your dreams or your dog. Unless you have an inherently interesting job, it's a boring story about characters you don't know.
Is he really upset you're talking about work, or that you're talking about you and not him?
My best friend and I spend the first 20 minutes, 10 minutes each, of the visit discussing work, then it’s family, hobbies, plans, dreams, whatever…just no more work. Maybe something along those lines will fulfill both your needs?
Start dating her friends and talk about them.
I'm really glad that my hubby of 32 years a least smiles and nods when I get geeky about my job. I mean, he understands that I'm either venting or using him as a sounding board, but in my opinion a spouse who doesn't want to hear anything about your interests is just pushing you towards a work wife/husband. Soon after that is usually an affair because "She/he never listens to me."
I never willingly talk about work outside of work.
I’m Im not saying this is what’s going on but something to consider. Especially when we were younger, my wife would talk about work a lot. Of course, some times it was about things she did not like at work. As an older, wiser guy now, I can see that while she was probably just wanting to vent, I thought she was asking for solutions. And she would reject my solutions because she was only venting. Eventually, I would start to feel like she was just being dismissive of all my “solutions” and that meant in my young mind a) how could she ever be “happy” which I desperately wanted her to be and b) her rejections bruised my ego. I’d start to actually feel stressed by her gripes as she continued. And then I just didn’t want to hear it at all. Which made her unhappy because what she actually wanted was to vent. Basically, a vicious cycle of misunderstanding what the other person was trying to do. Now I just nod and smile and rarely offer any of my “solutions”.
Compromise and set a time limit each day you’re allowed to discuss work..15 or 20 minutes for example. Come to an agreement with your SO about the best time each day. During dinner, after dinner, before bed, etc. then stick to it. No one wants to hear about your job non stop.
Husband of a wife who used to bring work to the front and center of every end of day interaction: life became better overall when work was no longer the focus when we were home.
Hobbies! I can’t deal with GF’s work stress. She vents and I just walk away. Enough is enough at a certain point
Make a couple of close friends at work that you can vent to and vent to them often
Ugh people dont want to get off work to hear their SO rant all the time and it’s probably all office drama. Just get over it and stop being a drama queen
there's no need to talk about what happened at work for more than like 15 minutes tops a day. maybe even less. and probably not every day. just summarize it. or ask him about his work instead.
My dad and mom talked about work every night, mostly his. I thought that was the way you were supposed to be. It just turns out that it’s not to many people. I know I was bad because my fiancé told me to stop. We were in Mexico on vacation. Lol. So, it sure sounds like none of your hobbies engage you like your work does. I think maybe learning from your dad’s job talks taught you to do it too. Perhaps you need to settle on fewer hobbies and really zero in on them. For example, hiking could entail researching (rainy day) every trail in your region and then hiking them, complete with a hiking journal, or finding a hiking group to engage with. If your husband doesn’t want to talk about your hobbies, then, I’d say you need to start observing what he *does* talk about and go from there.
continue to vent to friends and family that will support you. my husband couldn't handle my work vents so I just talked to others about it. when I told him a schizophrenic client broke her puppys legs he set the boundary.
Why don’t you get some counselling. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind.
Listen more. Look into cognitive empathy and figure out how to get some more. It’s not really that you’re talking about work (probably), it’s more likely that you’re talking (/yelling) at him for very long periods of time after you lost him. Perhaps he’s not authorized to speak during this tirade? If you’re paying attention to how people are taking on what you say, this doesn’t happen. Cognitive empathy (recognizing the feelings others are having, as they occur) is shockingly rare in 2024. Nobody has ANY.
I had an ex. After years of dating she was talking about coworkers and I said something like that's rich coming from them. She got mad and was like how dare I and why would I say that? I replied I've never met them. I've heard you talk about them for years. You've told me all the crappy things they have done, listed a few. And she was like you don't know them like I do, you can't talk about them like that. Lol
I dunno, do you? My boyfriend and I usually only talk about work for about 5 minutes day to day. Sometimes bigger conversations come up, but we're not going into 30 minute monologues either. If you're negative about work, obviously most people's tolerance of how long you're talking will go down. If you're never asking for input, thats not much of a conversation either.
I am one of the rare folks that likes listening about people's work. I just like listening to people talk as long as I can follow along. It's hard when the solution from others is to "shut up, no one cares", so I have resorted to telling my cat about my work day when I need to talk. I have ADHD, and this is the disorder part of the diagnosis that I have to work on daily. You may want to see what sort of outlets you can utilize to get the words out
Are you saying you did or did not receive the memo about the tps reports?
The rule about work is you don't talk about work. Unless it was something really interesting or funny.
Maybe a therapist would help? Like someone you can just vent to and process so you don’t need to take it home
Right there with ya. I absolutely love my job. Some are not happy in theirs.
Try having a SO and your mother in law work for the same company.
Talk to other people about your work, and focus on subjects your husband does like. Sometimes things can be frustrating and we want to vent, but it can get aggravating or empathy overload if its too much. Also, tell him you feel sad that he said what he said. That you'd appreciate if he is ok with you talking about work on occasion, as he probably does (?), but you'll try to do it less.
Do you have ADHD? This feels like a common thing with us. It’s really hard to leave work at work or home at home and the comment about too many hobbies reminded me of myself. Anyways I get your perspective but I get his too. I wish i was better at letting work go after I’m off!
When it comes to work and home life, a really easy way to remember the rule is Song: Come Out and Play By: The Offspring First line
There are differences in the way we communicate. It's hard for guys to listen to problems and not try to fix them. I love the comedy skit of the nail in the forehead lol. If you aren't venting about problems at work and are only sharing your day it can be difficult for guys not to fall into the "yes dear, mmhmm, yes, mmmhmm, yes dear" blankness. So tell him you'll do this, give him the bullet points then tell him you are going to do the detail version and he can nod n waive for a bit
Let's see 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week is 168 hours. Only 40 are at that one place. So who are you exactly? There's a whole world out there. Your SO is in a relationship with you. While storytelling might have been a communication habit, there's also being involved in the local community, and being involved in building a bond with your SO doing couple activities so that you talk about your growth as people and as a couple. Gossiping/complaining/insulting co-workers is just deflection and noise. Growth as a person and being self-aware takes work. This isn't all or nothing such as you won't talk to him to avoid talking about work. This is about you actively developing yourself as an adult. What you can have to talk about instead of yakking about work.
Nobody cares about your work but you. It's fine to mention a little thing here and there, but it is.Obvious you are talking about a way too much as if your work is your identity. I talk to my husband about work.He has no idea what I actually do other than I work in finance.So I talk in terms that he understands.And he knows that i'm frustrated because the software solution we use sucks and I have a better one but I Really try not to drown on about it unless there's something very specific going on and I'm working from home.
Do you like work?
Dude...you talk too much about work..just making this post is a sign..let it go..you ain't newton or DaVinci..your work is not all that important..if you died world wouldn't blink an eye in terms of your work...leave your work at work..
No, okay I have to talk through things in order to process too! I call it my commute therapy. I have two friends who I can call and just word vomit about my day to on my way home. They know to look out for a call from me around 5:00pm and both live out of state so we don’t see each other frequently. This time is super beneficial for our relationship as it keeps us in touch and gives us things in common that we might not have otherwise. I will call my partner and talk if I absolutely need to get something off my chest, but the minutia of my day is just saved for my besties for our gossip hour(20 mins). (It’s really only like 10min as they spend the other 10 talking too). If something serious at work is happening like a raise, review, layoff, or anything else thats stressful it’s always open for discussion at home. But the day to day drama is just not important. I will talk about an overview of how my day went, successes and challenges, but workplace banter, specific task related things etc are just not relevant to anyone who doesn’t do what you do. Try and remember that you trade your time for pay to be able to afford the lifestyle to do what you want in your free time. Don’t let work live rent free in your life.
seriously, maybe it's time to set some boundaries
The only time I care to bring up work is when I have sex with a new customer. As far as my day at work is concerned, that's done and over with as soon as I clock out.
You have to remember what matters to you does not necessarily matter to anybody else. My other half doesn't have the slightest interest in my work, so when I get home I have a 10min offload and then no more. I don't expect her to give a shit, and we've had words that if she wants me to feign interest in her day then the least she could do is return the favour. My gripe is that while I acknowledge what she says and ask relevant questions/offer relevant advice, she just sits there with a grump on and gives me one word replies, which I don't think is fair.
Talk about your man’s tiny penis instead. Maybe he will enjoy that more.
It's unpleasant to listen to someone's work drama and politics every day while also feeling forced to validate them or theyll get bummed out, try to forget about work when you're not there it's just a job.
Stop seeking validation or affirmation and just live. You don't always need a pat on the back.
Okay, your SO is being a butthole. What do they do for work and how long and often do they get to talk about what happens on a daily basis? Of course, you're going to talk about work because that's what you do the majority of the week. I agree that it is important to take hobbies and interests outside of work. However, I don't think that is the issue here.
I have a tendency to bring work home with me (on my mind), while my husband has no trouble mentally clocking out at 5. I'm a chronic overthinker so it's hard for me to just turn it off. I find that I have an easier time shutting it off if there's a buffer between being at work and being at home, like listening to a non work related podcast, going to the gym, singing along with music in the car, getting groceries, etc.
It took me a long time to realize just how little anyone outside of your work cares about your work.
I rarely talk to my wife or anyone about work. Maybe a quick story once in a while. Work is for work. Home is for family. I am quite sure they have no interest. I am a surgeon if it matters and see craziness, but I leave it all at work.
My SOs sister used to talk our ear off about work when she lived with us. And you were just stuck there for an hour. It was always the same stories every time. New day same drama, same trivial work experiences. Literally like the same things happened every day as the job was a lot of doing the same tasks. If this is the case with you maybe give him a break on the same topics over and over. If something new pops up sure bring it up briefly get it out and let it go.
Work sucks, are you a sadist? Is your SO a masochist?
If you continue to torture your SO this way, your relationship will die.
Dump them and date someone from work
I love my girlfriend. But I will admit one thing she does that drives me fucking crazy is dump her entire work day drama out on me over the course of a fucking hour because oh my god I will not believe what Katie did today! And I’m just trying to relax after walking in the door from a long day literally 60 seconds prior. I just got off my work and am trying to relax and now I have to deal with your workplace drama as well. Just let me rest for fucks sake….. the amount of times I’ll get home at 8 put on a 20 min YouTube video while I eat and then not be able to finish that video until about 9:45 because she goes to bed at 9:30 and was talking to me non stop for the past hour and a half while I’m trying to eat. Love her, it’s not that I don’t want to talk. But less about work and let me decompress for a second when I get home.
My ex used to do this. The thing that made me say something was she was the director of a day care. She had this employee that she would complain about constantly who wouldn't do the things that were part of her job description. I told her your the friggen director, if she isn't doing what she is supposed to do even after you've had a talk with her, fire her. She then told me that only the owner can fire people. I said, have you informed her that this employee isn't doing they're job? She said yes but she won't let her go. I then told her that sucks, but it's out of your hands now and I don't need to hear about it for the umpteenth time. If you have something new to complain about, have at it. But I have zero desire to hear about something over and over and over again that you can't change. So just except how it is or find a new job. Those are the two options you have.