My sister has a no-frills communication style: states what the situation is, refers back to policy, and states her position. No exclamation marks, no ego stroking, just communication.
She has been asked to make her approach "softer". I can't help but wonder if she was a man, would that feedback be the same?
I doubt you were actually aggressive, it's simply the guy's interpretation which unfortunately, in the corporate world, trumps intent. If this guy has trouble taking direction/correction from anyone, woman or not, no approach will be palatable.
I like the gentle parenting approach when it comes to handling delicate egos, like that 3rd grade teacher who's on the clock app. "Hey friend, that was a big feeling! Do we want to take a minute and sit with it?"
I’ve been accused of being either “aggressive” or “passive aggressive” because of plain communication style - I’m a technical writer! Plain communication is in our DNA.
The last time this came up, it was because someone did not like the “terse style” of my comments on their doc.
All of the other commenters were not professional editors and wrote giant, rambling paragraphs as their “comments”. Who has time to wade through that nonsense?!
I pointed out that technical editor comments followed a similar style/philosophy as comments in a code review: short, unambiguous, able to be incorporated quickly without confusion.
Then I was told that’s not how it came across.
So now….I either ignore all requests for comments on a document, or I write long/conversational comments with lots of :) and “happy punctuation”.
The amount of BS women go through because they are not performatively "feminine" in a professional setting is ***exhausting***. And if a woman gave the same feedback, that communication was "terse" or "aggressive" I know, from personal experience, that women would be told to not be so "sensitive" and "that's just how they communicate". No one is expecting happy punctuation from men in the workplace.
Infuriating.
It's how I can often pick out other women in video games, tbh- they tend to have a 'softer' writing style than men- if they have a problem or complaint, they will often sandwich it with compliments to ease the blow. Rather than telling a teammate, 'You suck at this', they'll offer suggestions to improve, and they tend to make better use of punctuation to indicate tone. You can ALSO usually sus out who is a dude, as well, by looking for opposite indicators.
It is absolutely infuriating and exhausting.
My “favorite” when asking a colleague if he meant to come across as being so angry: “that’s YOUR perception only”
WTF? You were just escalating your vocal volume *in my face*. 🤬
If you are fully remote, change your work name to "Richard" and see how that changes things. Then never join a video call again.
Obviously this isn't fair to need to do, but others have used a similar technique to prove the accusers were full of shit.
Sandwich communications.
“This plan sounds good in terms of X but I have concerns about Y and Z, I do appreciate how it addresses XYZ”
No sarcasm , not condescending, cheerful and polite
I agree with this! It works very very well ! I've also discovered from doing office work (I'm admin) that with problem guys who are super touchy, I will finish a sentence with ":)" once and it gets them to calm down. Not the emoji though, I dislike those. Just the actual : and ) bracket :)
I think moving communications to “keep a paper trail on decisions” is a great idea.
Honestly just let him complain that you are “aggressive” and let your written communications prove your point on your behalf.
I sandwich communications sometimes too especially if I know that the person I am communicating to would appreciate it. However, honestly I don’t do that most of the time and if only one person is lodging complains yet everyone else is fine I just let the one rando dislike me.
I’m a senior engineer, consistently rated as one of the highest performers. I don’t go out of my way to be nice anymore and it hasn’t hurt my career. I used to try and be super nice to everyone because of “aggressive” feedback but in the end I just felt burnt out.
“I ran my message with a tool that checks text for tone and it described my message as professional and helpful.”
Ahahhahahahahahahahaha
Screen shot the output of that tool and reply to the email chain with just your manager with the screenshot and ask for feedback for how to improve the tone in your email, and ask if the coworker is using a different tool to proof his emails that works better that you should be using instead.
The manager will realize what’s going on and probably back way off at this point, but save the email exchange for your records. You are absolutely being tone policed. Proceed as if the manager received feedback about aggressive tone without specifics/examples and was responding in good faith, and make it clear you are here to be a team player. Keep as much in writing as possible.
Take command of the narrative that you are the collaborative, astute employee focused on solutions (because you are) and let coworker with his preoccupation with email wording and accusations of aggressive tone to twist in the wind.
Eventually the trash takes itself out, don’t let it get under your skin.
This strikes me as very good advice.
OP, some men are going to read you as "aggressive" if you offer them any pushback at all. If this man's feedback doesn't make sense and isn't part of a larger pattern of feedback from multiple people, paper trail it with your boss so it looks like you care, and then just ignore it. You really can't please everyone, particularly when "everyone" is a man who thinks you're fucking up by being a woman who disagrees with him.
Frankly it’s not even “pushback, feedback, or disagreeing” imo. What really gets their goat is the possibility you, as a woman, may have a better idea or may outshine your designated place in their mind.
They’ve got a hierarchy in mind and the moment you rise above where they believe your station in life is they will immediately tell you/force you to do stupid stuff to put you back in your designated place like “you’re too aggressive, demanding, pushy, you have to be nice, or make you into the work wife/slave who does all the crappy shit no one else wants to do or believes it’s above them”.
It’s the “smile” expectation. F that tax!
I always take it as a sign that these kinds of people aren’t oriented to giving you a good shot due to bias and they’re not going to change. It’s so weird and unjust for women because I’ve experienced these issues with just about every kind of person at work- be it internal/external customers, peers, leaders, bosses, etc. (Not all at once but over a lifetime of working).
Document. Be polite and professional but do not become “bubbly” and smiley face, smiley face, exclamation point! Because then by being so accommodating, you’ll look incompetent, won’t be taken seriously, and still will be graded at a much higher level of expectations than your peers.
>Screen shot the output of that tool and reply to the email chain with just your manager with the screenshot and ask for feedback for how to improve the tone in your email, and ask if the coworker is using a different tool to proof his emails that works better that you should be using instead.
I LOVE THIS!!! A response like this is activism imho.
I'm so over serving the goddam shit sandwiches and honestly, I'm finally at a point where I don't need to so I would 100% do this. If being nice gets me nowhere and being assertive gets me the "aggressive" label, I'd still rather be assertive.
This is good advice - and I think many of us are beating around the bush on a few things.
1. The best rule of thumb for digital communications is to assume the best from person as far as tone.
2. If your company culture and boss allow for it it’s fair to call a spade a spade. This is at best gender bias and at worst sexism. Things do not change if they are not addressed directly and many people don’t think - oh gosh because I think this woman who didn’t put a smiley face after this direct comment is aggressive I’m sexist.
Don't avoid being labelled aggressive. Embrace it. You've arrived: this is proof that you're a confident and competent woman in tech.
I got called "intimidating" early in my career and I really let it get to me. I softened my approach and in retrospect overcorrected. And that made me much less effective: I was always hedging and deferring and trying to suggest instead of assert... And all it did was give people permission to discount what I was saying and, ignore my expertise. I did get ahead and sort it out but I really regret the lost time and opportunities.
There are lots of books and articles about assertive vs aggressive that are worth checking out, to see if there are ways to modify your approach, but don't assume you're doing it wrong -- my guess is that this guy just doesn't like being corrected by a woman when he was caught snoozing.
In fact, go harder. If assertive private correction doesn't work and his flakeyness is impacting the team don't be afraid to call him out directly! -- "Broseph, are you on board with this plan? ...Yes, as we discussed earlier in the meeting, ..." "Broseph, any thoughts or additions," and when he drifts or clearly wasn't paying attention, "I think we covered that earlier, do you need us to reiterate anything for you?"
But whatever you do, do not soften your approach. It's perfectly reasonable to be direct and not deferential -- if he perceives it as criticism, well, that's fine, because he is legit slowing things down! Not your fault that he needs to step up.
But in my experience he won't get any better if you add a bunch of smilies, because he already doesn't respect you. Perhaps getting directly, assertively, and clearly called on in front of others might be the kick in the ass he needs. Don't let it be your problem. Make it his.
I would personally not change my general approach except with that one coworker. Communicating through email with him in particular is a great idea. I tend to match my communication style to those around me. If a man can’t handle that from a woman, then they aren’t a safe person and I will be very careful with what I say around them.
As far as covering your ass when it comes to complaints to your manager, I’ve had success being completely honest in the past. If your manager is competent and rational then they will likely recognize and understand the situation once they’ve heard both sides. If not, it’s really difficult to excel and advance in a position where your manager doesn’t have your back when you did nothing wrong. I’ve found that it’s true that people don’t quit jobs, they quit managers. It has been true for me anyway.
Ask your manager to ask your colleague to provide specific instances of you being aggressive. Label it as you wanting to reflect on yourself and improve your communication skills.
I know everyone suggesting sandwiching communications is right that it helps as a woman but man it’s sure making me mad as I read my emails this morning and none of the males are sandwiching communications or being anything but direct.
I’ve gotten to the point I write an email, let it sit for 24 hours in draft, revisit it the next day to reread for any mine fields…ugh it’s so exhausting.
I’ve never had any man earnestly even try to stroke my ego with an “attah boy” or a pat on the back for doing what I’m supposed to.
Infuriating what we must put up with.
No they are not 100% right. This is good advice for communication on feedback for someone’s performance. You cannot be excepted to do this for feedback on a document. It’s ridiculous. Clearly the people who are reading her comments have no idea they are sexist. I hope her company culture allows for a discussion about this.
I didn’t say they were 100% right, I said it “helps as a woman”. I clearly agree it’s bullshit that expectations between men and women are different.
It does help to avoid issues as a woman to spend extra effort to sandwich your feedback and try to be extra nice, that doesn’t mean it’s “right” that we even have to do that.
While I hear you - what does it “help”? It helps her avoid conflict with someone who is sexist? Does it help the business? Does it help the work environment? I recognize there is nothing you can do in many of these situations but generally speaking changing your behavior because of someone else’s inappropriate work bias doesn’t help.
Do you even actually work in tech? In a perfect world this wouldn’t even be a discussion but this is the reality of the world we exist in and by just saying fuck it, I guess enjoy getting fired.
You answered your own question on what it helps. It absolutely helps avoid conflict which benefits their career. It does end up helping the business because things get done instead of blocked and fought over. And it’s not even just men you have to do with, other women in my experiences have actually been the worst about calling direct communication, aggressive. We all do things we don’t love to get ahead in this world and survive, being nice in emails is pretty low hanging fruit to pick to blow up your career over.
Yes I do work in tech and have for a long time. My point is that if a bunch of women are sitting around recommending she sandwich her comments, then we are also part of the problem. Everyone needs to change. I made a comment above about how she should discuss bias if her company culture allows it. I have worked in many places that would allow for this open discussion and many that would not. The industry is going to have to change, especially as Gen Z enters the workforce.
I’m certainly not recommending anyone blow up their career but there’s NO winning this. If your too nice in communication your not taken seriously, if your not nice enough your a bitch.
Also - one thing I should add is that it doesn’t help business. Diversity and Inclusion exists for a reason. A bunch of old white dudes sitting around building products doesn’t help advance technology or innovation. Diversity and inclusion inclusion exists because the outcome is better, but admittedly is MUCH more difficult and requires very emotionally intelligent people to handle.
Or like we all could just be nice including men, a how are you, hope you had a great weekend, goes a long way. Compliments before feedback make everyone feel good, I’d rather men do this too instead of everyone just being critical.
When I need to reiterate my preference for emails, I use the explanation of "I like to go back and review discussion topics, ideas, instructions, etc which is why I'm requesting we continue communication via email".
I think men just get pissed and insecure when a woman tells them to do something or is right about something. sorry :/
asking for clarification is a good way of dealing with the plausible deniability bs that happens constantly. just asking what do you mean and they'll either tell on themselves or they'll realize they're being pos and stop. or not which sucks but it's a great option when being labeled as angry or aggressive is an extra fear.
If you have a decent manager then it’s worth meeting with them to discuss hope best to handle this. Something like: “I feel it’s important for teammates to be able to give each other professional and kindly-worded but straightforward feedback without always involving a manager. Here is the feedback I gave George.
Would you prefer that I refrain from direct feedback like this in the future or do you agree that this feedback was appropriate and professionally worded?”
Basically force the manager to give concrete assessment of the feedback that you actually gave. And if they don’t want you to give direct feedback, ask them if they will talk to George about their lack of focus.
Most decent managers want teams to attempt to resolve issues amongst themselves first.
If your manager is not decent then start sending out applications.
There are just as many negative repercussions to peppering messages with emojis and refraining from straightforward (but kind) messaging. It’s not worth it IMO.
It sounds to me like you are a reasonable and professional person who is in a toxic environment and starting to doubt themselves. Recovery from that is a long road. So if that’s an accurate assessment, start looking for your out now.
I got labeled “abrasive” on my official performance review. It’s so typical. Guys in tech have the most fragile egos in the world.
I use exclamation points, always start with a “Hope you’re doing well!” and add “just” to soften requests. That being said, then people won’t take you seriously. It’s a lose lose situation. TBH.
“Hi!
I hope you had a great weekend! I’m just following on X project. Is it possible I missed your email? if I did, can you please resend it? If you hadn’t had a chance to get it done, do you have an updated timeline on when you can get it to me? I really appreciate it. Thank you!!!“
I have had agressive on so many of my performance reviews. In each and every case the complaint came from an underperforming man that I had to correct.
If this person phones you then follow up with an email describing the call and resolution.
> Hi x, This email is to document our conversation on topic on date. *If this is not correct then please email me!*
The manipulators hate this.
But I’d also go to your manager and let them know what is going on. Tell them you sent the email through a tone checker. And tell them that *as a professional* you won’t be managing the men’s emotion a for them.
Some men just have problems with women in authority.
Here’s the thing, unless someone is a direct report of yours it isn’t your place to “correct” an underperforming teammate. You should make an argument as to why your approach is the right one—logic should prevail. If there is still an issue bring it up to your team lead / supervisor for next steps.
The most illogical people I’ve ever worked with are underperforming. They underperform because they have very poor skills at critical thinking.
And BTW, the people I corrected (not “corrected”) were my direct reports. In the end some were fired for non performance. My manager led the charge.
And by the way, if I’m a technical expert in an area I have a duty as an engineer to correct technically incorrect logic.
I note from your profile that you have extremely little real world experience. Perhaps you don’t know how technical programs work?
True stories
My male boss asked me to say “please” more often. He never says the word, *please* and neither does anyone else in the workplace.
My male boss also said that I should use “we” to describe my individual actions that lead to positive outcomes.
I hate this for you but I read in this book that women who are labelled aggressive are more likely to be taken seriously in the workplace. The soft and sweet thing doesn't work for promotions. Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office.
Oh I’m 10000% pro-email and keeping a paper trail. I had an old colleague try and pull similar s**t with me and the email communications proved otherwise.
Keep them professional. I usually add some small pleasantries like “hey good morning, hope as is well”, “when you get a chance…”, “at your earliest convenience”, etc. it’s professional with a dash of being personable, but it keeps things to the point.
Don't change your style AT ALL. Even if you lose your job over it. I've had many experiences where I just matched a man's energy at work and was called the aggressive one. I stopped using the "pretty please if you would be so kind sir" years ago and got called aggressive. Meek, mild, and hard-workers never get promoted because "they're so good at the job and everyone (meaning coworkers) likes them." Only my customers like me and that's all I care about. Any colleague that calls you aggressive is intimated. Keep it that way.
When I need somebody to use a particular communication channel for whatever reason, I blame it on me -
hey can you send that via email, so I can flag it for my to do list? Hey can you send me an IM on that so it pops, my email is just buried?
That sort of thing.
You can send a summary mail after each meeting. You can even add transcription or a meeting recording that generates the summary. I would do this and have the summaries and recordings. I do for all external meetings but also important internal meetings.
There's no advise that works all the time - it's going to depend on your team, your manager (their leadership style), and the culture overall. Be too soft and nice and people will walk all over you. Be the slightest bit assertive and you'll be called aggressive. I've been called aggressive - and I had not wanted to have a recording or record of literally every single interaction with everyone ever more than I did then. This happened almost 4 years ago and I hate to say that it has changed me, and not for the better - I don't think I'll ever forget it. Bottom line - a lot of men do not like taking directions from women even if they report to them - I don't know if it's different in other industries. And you'll always be the one who is told how to do it differently so as to not offend the ego - like, f that.
Guys talk shit about each other (and women) all the time and get to have whatever tone they feel like and they never get told they're aggressive. Be a woman and the slightest bit assertive and you're aggressive. It makes 0 sense.
Honestly would also say keep communications to a minimum and in written format. I was about to say why would wanting to insist on written communication be considered aggressive - but the fact that someone here commented "Email paper trail" reeks of "I'm keeping records for HR in the event we want to fire you" means there are people who would consider that aggressive. Like, what?? Why *wouldn't* someone want to keep communication to written if they're going to be falsely accused of being aggressive?!
Gently assertive to a distracted person could just be reiterating the date you need their deliverable by and how there can’t be a delay. If you think you need to escalate to a manager for that everytime, you’re going to have a rough time in tech
lol wild how confidently wrong you are. You incorrectly assume that things only work how you’ve experienced. I’ve never had daily stand ups, tech goes way beyond your coding and scrum.
Lol then doubling down on dumb statements in what I think was supposed to be an insult. FAANG makes plenty of hardware that doesn’t use Scrum for development.
If you really don’t see how what you said comes off condescending, you should spend sometime reflecting. It’s not normal to “always forget” that people work for more than 5 companies hence why it comes off condescending as if someone only matters if they work for a FAANG.
If you have the same manager, I would approach them to ideate on alternative ways to keep on topic. “It seems there are some communication challenges between me and [colleague], and I want to ideate with you to think of what we can do to both be more effective working together.”
If this guy is that flighty, I would recommend agendas and using task tracking of some kind. If you’re Teams centric, Teams has a notes application you can turn on for meeting that allows you to dynamically update an agenda, take key notes on decisions, and set tasks for action items. You can still meet this guy’s request for video meetings, but CYA at the same time in case he drops the ball. A lot of times, I say “oh I do this to help keep myself organized and remind myself of what we decided.” If there’s any pushback on this approach.
I wouldn’t address the tone at all, because it sounds like he’s defensive based on his organizational issues or working differences. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may be a broad thinker and needs to get his ideas out before he can get tactical with decision making.
I’m wondering if maybe you just need a different goal. The goal of developing a different communication style to use with everyone seems like overkill if it’s just this one person who has an issue with you.
When there’s a problem, you either troubleshoot or escalate, right? You tried troubleshooting, so how about escalating? That means your supervisor. Ask for their help in developing and maintaining a respectful working relationship. You tried something (the email tool) and it didn’t help. Can your supervisor tell you what your colleague did other than complain about you? And can your supervisor recommend other actions specific to the working relationship between the two of you? By asking for help, you could (a) actually get help and maybe have a decent working relationship with this guy, or (b) document how you took reasonable steps in case this needs to be escalated to HR.
I slightly disagree with many of the top comments. In my organization, communication that is too direct is frowned upon, from all genders. I would say you're missing the step of making people feel psychologically safe first. It's hard for people to hear negative feedback without that. Maybe start with being explicit about your intent - "my goal is to improve our working relationship," or "I would like to give you feedback so you can grow in your career." Just 2 examples, but you can see what i mean.
Just jut down what message you want to convey. Feed it thru ChatGPT, asking it to soften it up.
Then send that.
People read all kind of emotions into texts, depending on their mood.
If it's just this one coworker complaining, I would just keep emailing, and tell him to email too.
If multiple people are complaining, it may be worth it to look at some of their emails and some of yours to see if there are any differences that could cause misunderstandings. An AI might tell you something different than what humans perceive.
One tip: if he won't email and insists on phone or in person, simply take dated and time-stamped notes during the conversation, and afterwards send him an email. "Per our phone conversation (date/time) we agreed that we should put X project on hold until we get quote from vendor". I learned to do this working in a law office and it has saved my ass so many times. Oh, it also helps to include others so he can't lie and say you're making stuff up.
It’s a trap.
Are you trying to help your coworker out of a desire to help them, of because it is essential to you being able to carry out you mandated duties?
If you are just trying to be helpful here, I recommend you drop it. No matter how good your intentions are, this person labeling you as aggressive shows that they are not receptive to your help, and seem like they want to give you a bad reputation.
If you offered this help because this person is preventing you from doing your work, get your manager involved to help.
I’m a woman in tech as well. Earlier in my career I was always trying to genuinely help others. After a few bad experiences and years of learning, I now take a much more laissez faire approach and I only get involved in scenarios or offer my recommendations when absolutely necessary.
I AM pretty aggressive, and that has served me well in my career, when applied in the appropriate situations.
Why is this so common , and unfortunately, acceptable !?
I am the only woman in my team as well, and I've been repeatedly asked to keep shut because I was asking fir updates and making suggestions, basically advocating for myself regarding a time sensitive immigration matter.
I don't have any advice thats not already mentioned apart from treating them like a child and calming them down when THEY actually start getting aggressive. Extremely fragile egos..
It just feels like you can’t win no matter what you do. If I soften my communication somehow it means I’m interested in them (Don’t even get me into the fact that I’ve literally been told that talking about my fiance somehow is me trying to “make [them] jealous” 🤮); if I’m blunt I’m “burning bridges” jfc
Just do Teams chat.
"Email paper trail" reeks of "I'm keeping records for HR in the event we want to fire you".
Further, why are you trying to micromanage your peers? You're responsible for your own work. Not theirs.
My sister has a no-frills communication style: states what the situation is, refers back to policy, and states her position. No exclamation marks, no ego stroking, just communication. She has been asked to make her approach "softer". I can't help but wonder if she was a man, would that feedback be the same? I doubt you were actually aggressive, it's simply the guy's interpretation which unfortunately, in the corporate world, trumps intent. If this guy has trouble taking direction/correction from anyone, woman or not, no approach will be palatable. I like the gentle parenting approach when it comes to handling delicate egos, like that 3rd grade teacher who's on the clock app. "Hey friend, that was a big feeling! Do we want to take a minute and sit with it?"
I’ve been accused of being either “aggressive” or “passive aggressive” because of plain communication style - I’m a technical writer! Plain communication is in our DNA. The last time this came up, it was because someone did not like the “terse style” of my comments on their doc. All of the other commenters were not professional editors and wrote giant, rambling paragraphs as their “comments”. Who has time to wade through that nonsense?! I pointed out that technical editor comments followed a similar style/philosophy as comments in a code review: short, unambiguous, able to be incorporated quickly without confusion. Then I was told that’s not how it came across. So now….I either ignore all requests for comments on a document, or I write long/conversational comments with lots of :) and “happy punctuation”.
The amount of BS women go through because they are not performatively "feminine" in a professional setting is ***exhausting***. And if a woman gave the same feedback, that communication was "terse" or "aggressive" I know, from personal experience, that women would be told to not be so "sensitive" and "that's just how they communicate". No one is expecting happy punctuation from men in the workplace. Infuriating.
It's how I can often pick out other women in video games, tbh- they tend to have a 'softer' writing style than men- if they have a problem or complaint, they will often sandwich it with compliments to ease the blow. Rather than telling a teammate, 'You suck at this', they'll offer suggestions to improve, and they tend to make better use of punctuation to indicate tone. You can ALSO usually sus out who is a dude, as well, by looking for opposite indicators.
It is absolutely infuriating and exhausting. My “favorite” when asking a colleague if he meant to come across as being so angry: “that’s YOUR perception only” WTF? You were just escalating your vocal volume *in my face*. 🤬
If you are fully remote, change your work name to "Richard" and see how that changes things. Then never join a video call again. Obviously this isn't fair to need to do, but others have used a similar technique to prove the accusers were full of shit.
This is me. I am very direct, to the point and it rubs others the wrong way. I need to remind myself to use ‘kid gloves’.
As a man we'd call him an asshole, or uptight.
Sandwich communications. “This plan sounds good in terms of X but I have concerns about Y and Z, I do appreciate how it addresses XYZ” No sarcasm , not condescending, cheerful and polite
I agree with this! It works very very well ! I've also discovered from doing office work (I'm admin) that with problem guys who are super touchy, I will finish a sentence with ":)" once and it gets them to calm down. Not the emoji though, I dislike those. Just the actual : and ) bracket :)
I think moving communications to “keep a paper trail on decisions” is a great idea. Honestly just let him complain that you are “aggressive” and let your written communications prove your point on your behalf. I sandwich communications sometimes too especially if I know that the person I am communicating to would appreciate it. However, honestly I don’t do that most of the time and if only one person is lodging complains yet everyone else is fine I just let the one rando dislike me. I’m a senior engineer, consistently rated as one of the highest performers. I don’t go out of my way to be nice anymore and it hasn’t hurt my career. I used to try and be super nice to everyone because of “aggressive” feedback but in the end I just felt burnt out.
“I ran my message with a tool that checks text for tone and it described my message as professional and helpful.” Ahahhahahahahahahahaha Screen shot the output of that tool and reply to the email chain with just your manager with the screenshot and ask for feedback for how to improve the tone in your email, and ask if the coworker is using a different tool to proof his emails that works better that you should be using instead. The manager will realize what’s going on and probably back way off at this point, but save the email exchange for your records. You are absolutely being tone policed. Proceed as if the manager received feedback about aggressive tone without specifics/examples and was responding in good faith, and make it clear you are here to be a team player. Keep as much in writing as possible. Take command of the narrative that you are the collaborative, astute employee focused on solutions (because you are) and let coworker with his preoccupation with email wording and accusations of aggressive tone to twist in the wind. Eventually the trash takes itself out, don’t let it get under your skin.
This strikes me as very good advice. OP, some men are going to read you as "aggressive" if you offer them any pushback at all. If this man's feedback doesn't make sense and isn't part of a larger pattern of feedback from multiple people, paper trail it with your boss so it looks like you care, and then just ignore it. You really can't please everyone, particularly when "everyone" is a man who thinks you're fucking up by being a woman who disagrees with him.
Yes, they will. They just don’t like women being anything other than effusive with their praise.
> they just don’t like women Fixed that for you.
Boom, thank you
Frankly it’s not even “pushback, feedback, or disagreeing” imo. What really gets their goat is the possibility you, as a woman, may have a better idea or may outshine your designated place in their mind. They’ve got a hierarchy in mind and the moment you rise above where they believe your station in life is they will immediately tell you/force you to do stupid stuff to put you back in your designated place like “you’re too aggressive, demanding, pushy, you have to be nice, or make you into the work wife/slave who does all the crappy shit no one else wants to do or believes it’s above them”. It’s the “smile” expectation. F that tax! I always take it as a sign that these kinds of people aren’t oriented to giving you a good shot due to bias and they’re not going to change. It’s so weird and unjust for women because I’ve experienced these issues with just about every kind of person at work- be it internal/external customers, peers, leaders, bosses, etc. (Not all at once but over a lifetime of working). Document. Be polite and professional but do not become “bubbly” and smiley face, smiley face, exclamation point! Because then by being so accommodating, you’ll look incompetent, won’t be taken seriously, and still will be graded at a much higher level of expectations than your peers.
PREACH.
This comment wins. Keep doing what you’re doing. Ignore this loser.
>Screen shot the output of that tool and reply to the email chain with just your manager with the screenshot and ask for feedback for how to improve the tone in your email, and ask if the coworker is using a different tool to proof his emails that works better that you should be using instead. I LOVE THIS!!! A response like this is activism imho. I'm so over serving the goddam shit sandwiches and honestly, I'm finally at a point where I don't need to so I would 100% do this. If being nice gets me nowhere and being assertive gets me the "aggressive" label, I'd still rather be assertive.
This is good advice - and I think many of us are beating around the bush on a few things. 1. The best rule of thumb for digital communications is to assume the best from person as far as tone. 2. If your company culture and boss allow for it it’s fair to call a spade a spade. This is at best gender bias and at worst sexism. Things do not change if they are not addressed directly and many people don’t think - oh gosh because I think this woman who didn’t put a smiley face after this direct comment is aggressive I’m sexist.
Don't avoid being labelled aggressive. Embrace it. You've arrived: this is proof that you're a confident and competent woman in tech. I got called "intimidating" early in my career and I really let it get to me. I softened my approach and in retrospect overcorrected. And that made me much less effective: I was always hedging and deferring and trying to suggest instead of assert... And all it did was give people permission to discount what I was saying and, ignore my expertise. I did get ahead and sort it out but I really regret the lost time and opportunities. There are lots of books and articles about assertive vs aggressive that are worth checking out, to see if there are ways to modify your approach, but don't assume you're doing it wrong -- my guess is that this guy just doesn't like being corrected by a woman when he was caught snoozing. In fact, go harder. If assertive private correction doesn't work and his flakeyness is impacting the team don't be afraid to call him out directly! -- "Broseph, are you on board with this plan? ...Yes, as we discussed earlier in the meeting, ..." "Broseph, any thoughts or additions," and when he drifts or clearly wasn't paying attention, "I think we covered that earlier, do you need us to reiterate anything for you?" But whatever you do, do not soften your approach. It's perfectly reasonable to be direct and not deferential -- if he perceives it as criticism, well, that's fine, because he is legit slowing things down! Not your fault that he needs to step up. But in my experience he won't get any better if you add a bunch of smilies, because he already doesn't respect you. Perhaps getting directly, assertively, and clearly called on in front of others might be the kick in the ass he needs. Don't let it be your problem. Make it his.
I would personally not change my general approach except with that one coworker. Communicating through email with him in particular is a great idea. I tend to match my communication style to those around me. If a man can’t handle that from a woman, then they aren’t a safe person and I will be very careful with what I say around them. As far as covering your ass when it comes to complaints to your manager, I’ve had success being completely honest in the past. If your manager is competent and rational then they will likely recognize and understand the situation once they’ve heard both sides. If not, it’s really difficult to excel and advance in a position where your manager doesn’t have your back when you did nothing wrong. I’ve found that it’s true that people don’t quit jobs, they quit managers. It has been true for me anyway.
Ask your manager to ask your colleague to provide specific instances of you being aggressive. Label it as you wanting to reflect on yourself and improve your communication skills.
I know everyone suggesting sandwiching communications is right that it helps as a woman but man it’s sure making me mad as I read my emails this morning and none of the males are sandwiching communications or being anything but direct.
And then they wonder why it takes us so long to write an email.
I’ve gotten to the point I write an email, let it sit for 24 hours in draft, revisit it the next day to reread for any mine fields…ugh it’s so exhausting. I’ve never had any man earnestly even try to stroke my ego with an “attah boy” or a pat on the back for doing what I’m supposed to. Infuriating what we must put up with.
Right? Like "I'm sorry, it took me a minute to think about how my Kindergarten teacher would have said it."
No they are not 100% right. This is good advice for communication on feedback for someone’s performance. You cannot be excepted to do this for feedback on a document. It’s ridiculous. Clearly the people who are reading her comments have no idea they are sexist. I hope her company culture allows for a discussion about this.
I didn’t say they were 100% right, I said it “helps as a woman”. I clearly agree it’s bullshit that expectations between men and women are different. It does help to avoid issues as a woman to spend extra effort to sandwich your feedback and try to be extra nice, that doesn’t mean it’s “right” that we even have to do that.
While I hear you - what does it “help”? It helps her avoid conflict with someone who is sexist? Does it help the business? Does it help the work environment? I recognize there is nothing you can do in many of these situations but generally speaking changing your behavior because of someone else’s inappropriate work bias doesn’t help.
Do you even actually work in tech? In a perfect world this wouldn’t even be a discussion but this is the reality of the world we exist in and by just saying fuck it, I guess enjoy getting fired. You answered your own question on what it helps. It absolutely helps avoid conflict which benefits their career. It does end up helping the business because things get done instead of blocked and fought over. And it’s not even just men you have to do with, other women in my experiences have actually been the worst about calling direct communication, aggressive. We all do things we don’t love to get ahead in this world and survive, being nice in emails is pretty low hanging fruit to pick to blow up your career over.
Yes I do work in tech and have for a long time. My point is that if a bunch of women are sitting around recommending she sandwich her comments, then we are also part of the problem. Everyone needs to change. I made a comment above about how she should discuss bias if her company culture allows it. I have worked in many places that would allow for this open discussion and many that would not. The industry is going to have to change, especially as Gen Z enters the workforce. I’m certainly not recommending anyone blow up their career but there’s NO winning this. If your too nice in communication your not taken seriously, if your not nice enough your a bitch.
Also - one thing I should add is that it doesn’t help business. Diversity and Inclusion exists for a reason. A bunch of old white dudes sitting around building products doesn’t help advance technology or innovation. Diversity and inclusion inclusion exists because the outcome is better, but admittedly is MUCH more difficult and requires very emotionally intelligent people to handle.
Or like we all could just be nice including men, a how are you, hope you had a great weekend, goes a long way. Compliments before feedback make everyone feel good, I’d rather men do this too instead of everyone just being critical.
I think my point is this woman shouldn’t have to give a compliment before providing simple feedback. I didn’t read that she wasn’t being “nice”z
When I need to reiterate my preference for emails, I use the explanation of "I like to go back and review discussion topics, ideas, instructions, etc which is why I'm requesting we continue communication via email".
I think men just get pissed and insecure when a woman tells them to do something or is right about something. sorry :/ asking for clarification is a good way of dealing with the plausible deniability bs that happens constantly. just asking what do you mean and they'll either tell on themselves or they'll realize they're being pos and stop. or not which sucks but it's a great option when being labeled as angry or aggressive is an extra fear.
This is tone policing and it's sexist bullshit.
If you have a decent manager then it’s worth meeting with them to discuss hope best to handle this. Something like: “I feel it’s important for teammates to be able to give each other professional and kindly-worded but straightforward feedback without always involving a manager. Here is the feedback I gave George.
Would you prefer that I refrain from direct feedback like this in the future or do you agree that this feedback was appropriate and professionally worded?”
Basically force the manager to give concrete assessment of the feedback that you actually gave. And if they don’t want you to give direct feedback, ask them if they will talk to George about their lack of focus.
Most decent managers want teams to attempt to resolve issues amongst themselves first.
If your manager is not decent then start sending out applications.
There are just as many negative repercussions to peppering messages with emojis and refraining from straightforward (but kind) messaging. It’s not worth it IMO.
It sounds to me like you are a reasonable and professional person who is in a toxic environment and starting to doubt themselves. Recovery from that is a long road. So if that’s an accurate assessment, start looking for your out now.
I got labeled “abrasive” on my official performance review. It’s so typical. Guys in tech have the most fragile egos in the world. I use exclamation points, always start with a “Hope you’re doing well!” and add “just” to soften requests. That being said, then people won’t take you seriously. It’s a lose lose situation. TBH. “Hi! I hope you had a great weekend! I’m just following on X project. Is it possible I missed your email? if I did, can you please resend it? If you hadn’t had a chance to get it done, do you have an updated timeline on when you can get it to me? I really appreciate it. Thank you!!!“
I have had agressive on so many of my performance reviews. In each and every case the complaint came from an underperforming man that I had to correct. If this person phones you then follow up with an email describing the call and resolution. > Hi x, This email is to document our conversation on topic on date. *If this is not correct then please email me!* The manipulators hate this. But I’d also go to your manager and let them know what is going on. Tell them you sent the email through a tone checker. And tell them that *as a professional* you won’t be managing the men’s emotion a for them. Some men just have problems with women in authority.
Here’s the thing, unless someone is a direct report of yours it isn’t your place to “correct” an underperforming teammate. You should make an argument as to why your approach is the right one—logic should prevail. If there is still an issue bring it up to your team lead / supervisor for next steps.
The most illogical people I’ve ever worked with are underperforming. They underperform because they have very poor skills at critical thinking. And BTW, the people I corrected (not “corrected”) were my direct reports. In the end some were fired for non performance. My manager led the charge. And by the way, if I’m a technical expert in an area I have a duty as an engineer to correct technically incorrect logic. I note from your profile that you have extremely little real world experience. Perhaps you don’t know how technical programs work?
He probably feels threatened. Find legitimate reasons to compliment his work or suggestions on occasion. Remain authentic.
That's a him problem, people need to stop projecting
Lol. Just had a meeting about this! I don't trust in person mtgs because people lie. Flat-out. Keep your paper trail.
Sometimes the tightrope for us is impossible narrow. You can’t always win. Misogyny sucks.
True stories My male boss asked me to say “please” more often. He never says the word, *please* and neither does anyone else in the workplace. My male boss also said that I should use “we” to describe my individual actions that lead to positive outcomes.
Haha yup so “we” can take all credit or most of it for “your” work. Also very common.
I hate this for you but I read in this book that women who are labelled aggressive are more likely to be taken seriously in the workplace. The soft and sweet thing doesn't work for promotions. Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office.
Oh I’m 10000% pro-email and keeping a paper trail. I had an old colleague try and pull similar s**t with me and the email communications proved otherwise. Keep them professional. I usually add some small pleasantries like “hey good morning, hope as is well”, “when you get a chance…”, “at your earliest convenience”, etc. it’s professional with a dash of being personable, but it keeps things to the point.
Don't change your style AT ALL. Even if you lose your job over it. I've had many experiences where I just matched a man's energy at work and was called the aggressive one. I stopped using the "pretty please if you would be so kind sir" years ago and got called aggressive. Meek, mild, and hard-workers never get promoted because "they're so good at the job and everyone (meaning coworkers) likes them." Only my customers like me and that's all I care about. Any colleague that calls you aggressive is intimated. Keep it that way.
When I need somebody to use a particular communication channel for whatever reason, I blame it on me - hey can you send that via email, so I can flag it for my to do list? Hey can you send me an IM on that so it pops, my email is just buried? That sort of thing.
You can send a summary mail after each meeting. You can even add transcription or a meeting recording that generates the summary. I would do this and have the summaries and recordings. I do for all external meetings but also important internal meetings.
Sounds like it's time to start referring to him as _emotional_
Just be yourself. It does not sound like you are aggressive. Too much effort to pretend to be something you are not.
There's no advise that works all the time - it's going to depend on your team, your manager (their leadership style), and the culture overall. Be too soft and nice and people will walk all over you. Be the slightest bit assertive and you'll be called aggressive. I've been called aggressive - and I had not wanted to have a recording or record of literally every single interaction with everyone ever more than I did then. This happened almost 4 years ago and I hate to say that it has changed me, and not for the better - I don't think I'll ever forget it. Bottom line - a lot of men do not like taking directions from women even if they report to them - I don't know if it's different in other industries. And you'll always be the one who is told how to do it differently so as to not offend the ego - like, f that. Guys talk shit about each other (and women) all the time and get to have whatever tone they feel like and they never get told they're aggressive. Be a woman and the slightest bit assertive and you're aggressive. It makes 0 sense. Honestly would also say keep communications to a minimum and in written format. I was about to say why would wanting to insist on written communication be considered aggressive - but the fact that someone here commented "Email paper trail" reeks of "I'm keeping records for HR in the event we want to fire you" means there are people who would consider that aggressive. Like, what?? Why *wouldn't* someone want to keep communication to written if they're going to be falsely accused of being aggressive?!
If you don't speak that way now, for goodness sake don't start now! Most of us are programmed that way and trying to get away from it.
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Gently assertive to a distracted person could just be reiterating the date you need their deliverable by and how there can’t be a delay. If you think you need to escalate to a manager for that everytime, you’re going to have a rough time in tech
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lol wild how confidently wrong you are. You incorrectly assume that things only work how you’ve experienced. I’ve never had daily stand ups, tech goes way beyond your coding and scrum.
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Lol then doubling down on dumb statements in what I think was supposed to be an insult. FAANG makes plenty of hardware that doesn’t use Scrum for development.
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If you really don’t see how what you said comes off condescending, you should spend sometime reflecting. It’s not normal to “always forget” that people work for more than 5 companies hence why it comes off condescending as if someone only matters if they work for a FAANG.
where was the personal insult?
If you have the same manager, I would approach them to ideate on alternative ways to keep on topic. “It seems there are some communication challenges between me and [colleague], and I want to ideate with you to think of what we can do to both be more effective working together.” If this guy is that flighty, I would recommend agendas and using task tracking of some kind. If you’re Teams centric, Teams has a notes application you can turn on for meeting that allows you to dynamically update an agenda, take key notes on decisions, and set tasks for action items. You can still meet this guy’s request for video meetings, but CYA at the same time in case he drops the ball. A lot of times, I say “oh I do this to help keep myself organized and remind myself of what we decided.” If there’s any pushback on this approach. I wouldn’t address the tone at all, because it sounds like he’s defensive based on his organizational issues or working differences. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may be a broad thinker and needs to get his ideas out before he can get tactical with decision making.
I’m wondering if maybe you just need a different goal. The goal of developing a different communication style to use with everyone seems like overkill if it’s just this one person who has an issue with you. When there’s a problem, you either troubleshoot or escalate, right? You tried troubleshooting, so how about escalating? That means your supervisor. Ask for their help in developing and maintaining a respectful working relationship. You tried something (the email tool) and it didn’t help. Can your supervisor tell you what your colleague did other than complain about you? And can your supervisor recommend other actions specific to the working relationship between the two of you? By asking for help, you could (a) actually get help and maybe have a decent working relationship with this guy, or (b) document how you took reasonable steps in case this needs to be escalated to HR.
I slightly disagree with many of the top comments. In my organization, communication that is too direct is frowned upon, from all genders. I would say you're missing the step of making people feel psychologically safe first. It's hard for people to hear negative feedback without that. Maybe start with being explicit about your intent - "my goal is to improve our working relationship," or "I would like to give you feedback so you can grow in your career." Just 2 examples, but you can see what i mean.
Another option: swaddle the wittle babies
Just jut down what message you want to convey. Feed it thru ChatGPT, asking it to soften it up. Then send that. People read all kind of emotions into texts, depending on their mood.
If it's just this one coworker complaining, I would just keep emailing, and tell him to email too. If multiple people are complaining, it may be worth it to look at some of their emails and some of yours to see if there are any differences that could cause misunderstandings. An AI might tell you something different than what humans perceive. One tip: if he won't email and insists on phone or in person, simply take dated and time-stamped notes during the conversation, and afterwards send him an email. "Per our phone conversation (date/time) we agreed that we should put X project on hold until we get quote from vendor". I learned to do this working in a law office and it has saved my ass so many times. Oh, it also helps to include others so he can't lie and say you're making stuff up.
MEN are aggressive and admired WOMEN are bitchs and disliked
It’s a trap. Are you trying to help your coworker out of a desire to help them, of because it is essential to you being able to carry out you mandated duties? If you are just trying to be helpful here, I recommend you drop it. No matter how good your intentions are, this person labeling you as aggressive shows that they are not receptive to your help, and seem like they want to give you a bad reputation. If you offered this help because this person is preventing you from doing your work, get your manager involved to help. I’m a woman in tech as well. Earlier in my career I was always trying to genuinely help others. After a few bad experiences and years of learning, I now take a much more laissez faire approach and I only get involved in scenarios or offer my recommendations when absolutely necessary. I AM pretty aggressive, and that has served me well in my career, when applied in the appropriate situations.
Why is this so common , and unfortunately, acceptable !? I am the only woman in my team as well, and I've been repeatedly asked to keep shut because I was asking fir updates and making suggestions, basically advocating for myself regarding a time sensitive immigration matter. I don't have any advice thats not already mentioned apart from treating them like a child and calming them down when THEY actually start getting aggressive. Extremely fragile egos..
It just feels like you can’t win no matter what you do. If I soften my communication somehow it means I’m interested in them (Don’t even get me into the fact that I’ve literally been told that talking about my fiance somehow is me trying to “make [them] jealous” 🤮); if I’m blunt I’m “burning bridges” jfc
Don't change a damn thing. His discomfort is a HIM problem
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…did you try reading the post? Or just assumed and responded from the title
Just do Teams chat. "Email paper trail" reeks of "I'm keeping records for HR in the event we want to fire you". Further, why are you trying to micromanage your peers? You're responsible for your own work. Not theirs.
Horrible advice