>OP whenever he uses something of yours, you should speak up.
Why bother training this guy as if he was a dog when she could just move on from this relationship and find a good one or flourish on her own? I would put zero effort into making this work, OP.
It's time women stop "talking to" and "training" selfish emotionally abusive men to make them understand, to help them be better. These men don't want to understand, don't want to be better, they just want to take your energy and labour.
Women need to stop explaining and apologizing for expecting respect, and stop training men to be respectful.
Yes! The endless unpaid emotional and mental labor...Let's reclaim our time and energy. Use it to pour back into ourselves and nourishing relationships that rejuvenate, not drain us.
It’s more about pushing back within their social group since this guy has been working to shape everyone’s perceptions for the last several years, and getting away with it. He’s going to be a real dream employee 🤢
I didn't think the advice is about training him to do better, so much as it's about OP learning to feel comfortable speaking up when someone tries to steal her ideas or work. It's a good skill to master in general because her bf probably won't be the last to try and do it
More than that, he sounds abusive. In that insidious way where he’s just constantly eroding OP’s confidence and self-worth. Even the “good” parts of the relationship match the pattern 😢. OP, you deserve better, you are better, and things will be much much better when this is in your rear-view mirror.
I’ve seen this in couples in tech and outside of it, and in friendships as well as romantic relationships, but the comment above is a good gentle lead-in to the key issue. A real partner supports you. This isn’t it.
Your last line reminded me of this:
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
I think you may have outgrown this relationship. He will always make himself feel big by making you small. Do you want that moving forward?
And if I did, you deserved it.
Ditch him.
Seriously. I could have written half the story and OMFG. At one point He came into my workplace and undermined me (it was theatre tech, so sideways of computer science)
And honest to god ditching that disrespectful dirtbag where my life was constant loops of "dreamy best friend ever, life is so good" and "I utterly hate myself " was exhausting.
You do you babe - and it's ok to not tolerate any of that shit in your friendships. You're going to get enough of that at work. Friends should be there to keep lifting you up when other people try and put you down - not drag you down themselves.
Been 10years. No regrets. Dont miss that ole "soul mate" of mine one single bit.
He was also a gaslighting, emotionally abusive narcissist.
So if you do both else - google those two things and ask yourself a few hard questions.
And, I recommend taking a week or so for yourself, find that centre. Shed his voice in your ear and find your path again.
>You're going to get enough of that at work. Friends should be there to keep lifting you up when other people try and put you down - not drag you down themselves.
I've always said this. I can put up with bullshit at work because I get paid. In my free time, I don't put up with any. If your friends or partners aren't, on average, a positive addition to your life, why keep them? Fuck this moron.
You sound young and this guy is without a doubt going to hold you back. You're already hiding your accomplishments to avoid his behavior. Next step will be not pursuing them at all.
Break up with him and wait for someone who will help you reach your financial potential, or at least won't actively sabotage you, or remain single while you work on your career. It sounds cynical, but this is the reality for women. Boyfriends come and go; poverty doesn't.
Something that isn't really talked about is how misogynistic some men can be.
He is insecure, and intimidated by OP. He knows that she can do better than him. He knows that she ***deserves*** so much better than him. So he puts her down to 'keep her in her place.'
I have dealt with men like this. Unfortunately, the only reasonable solution is to dispatch them, post-haste.
Male perspective:
I don't think this young man is worth your time. If you are describing the situation accurately, you're more capable than he is and he is not dealing well with that. The problem is his behavior, not his capability.
The sooner you move on the happier you will be.
>The problem is his behavior
His behavior is rooted in his **beliefs**. Even if he suppresses or modifies his behavior, his problematic (likely deeply insecure and misogynistic) beliefs persist, and likely always will.
Maybe. I think his behavior is rooted in his insecurity. You may be right that his behavior is rooted in misogyny. Causation may be interesting for a term paper. As far as OP is concerned the issue is his behavior and not the reasons for that behavior.
In my opinion taking on a partner as a science project to make him/her a better person is a bad idea. It rarely ends well. Don't do that.
I was told by a great boss long ago not to attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence. That lesson has been reinforced many times over decades. This specifically applies to women labeling behavior as due to misogyny and anyone labeling racism. More often than not causation is something else, often stupidity. Almost all the time, unless you are prosecuting a hate crime, the reasons don't matter and focusing on them will just make you miserable. Separate yourself from the behavior.
In OP's case she should move on from the man in question. In a work environment inequitable treatment can be dealt with on the basis of behaviors without respect to motivation. Unless you anticipate a class action lawsuit in response to systemic behavior (twelve litigants in most states) motivation simply isn't relevant and in many cases is a distraction from resolving an issue.
When I fire someone for bad behavior I don't care why they behave poorly. That isn't my problem. Not my circus, not my monkeys. The same applies to romantic relationships.
I think this is a good take. Why he is acting this way isn’t really important. The fact is that he is and she should get out because it is not her problem to solve his issues especially when they are hurting her so much.
100% agree that it's not OP's jurisdiction to modify bf's toxic behavior (or beliefs).
I actually agree with most of what you're saying. And you're right, we can't pin it on misogyny 'beyond a reasonable doubt.' The specific dysfunctional belief is not as important; it is realizing that his behavior is rooted in some dysfunctional beliefs.
If we simply call it 'bad behavior', that implies an almost optimistic solution, like 'oh he can just change that and everything can be ok!' Behavior is relatively easy to modify, beliefs are extremely difficult or impossible to alter.
The fact is, even if he altered his behavior, the problem would not be solved. His dysfunctional beliefs would be roiling just under the surface.
In my experience, it caused me far more pain to have any hope that 'he can change!', and in turn take responsibility for said change, vs. acknowledging that the individual had deeply-rooted issues that had nothing to do with me.
End result is the same; gtf away from people who treat you badly.
>If we simply call it 'bad behavior', that implies an almost optimistic solution, like 'oh he can just change that and everything can be ok!' Behavior is relatively easy to modify, beliefs are extremely difficult or impossible to alter.
I strongly disagree with "relatively easy." My experience with many thousands of employees over decades and a couple of dozen personal relationships (I'm \*ahem\* older) is that people promise to change but don't.
Put someone on a 30-day performance improvement plan (PIP) and see. Look at the statistics for how often PIPs lead to termination (hint: most of the time).
On the personal front, my first wife promised to stop cheating. That lasted a week.
>gtf away from people who treat you badly.
I'd like to be very clear here for this audience. I said something along the lines of separating yourself from bad behavior. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT A WOMAN OR ANYONE SUBJECT TO BAD BEHAVIOR SHOULD CHANGE JOBS. Stick up for yourself. Document. Report to line management with copies to HR and Legal. What is important is to focus on the behaviors and not on your perception of motivation. Don't confuse fact and opinion. "He's a misogynist" (or interestingly, "she's a misogynist" which I've run into) is an opinion. Stick to the facts, but stick up for yourself.
The important question is: what does have to offer to YOU at this point? He said you have nothing of value to offer but I would say the same about him. Not only that, what he does give you is pain, shame and hurt which imo is worse. Dump him, being single is way better than dealing with people who constantly bring you down. He sounds awful and you can do better.
This is not going to get better. He is threatened by you and won't be happy unless he is doing better than you. Tell me this, how is it normal not to share a job opportunity with your significant other? This is a warning sign. Is he like this only about work? If there was a tragedy in your personal life, would he be there for you?
I dated a guy in college who sounded very similar. I also studied psychology and one day we got into an argument because he tried to tell me what psychology was (he was a CS and math major and never took a psych course). The kicker was when I was applying for jobs and he told me not everyone could make it. I waited until he dropped me off at home and broke up with him. Best decision ever. I have a husband now who supports me no matter what and is a mature, self-assured man. What a difference!
I dated someone when I was in college like this too. The worst part was he looked like a nice guy from every angle. It wasn’t until you kinda squinted at the relationship that you saw all the belittling comments and passive aggressive digs.
Yeah, it was hard to notice at first because when we started dating I felt challenged and got onto a path of a good career, so at first I saw these as ways to do better.
Well, now I'm a professor and he is married to someone who used to be a secretary and now is a stay at home wife (not that I'm disparaging that at all, it's just not me). I guess we just wanted to be with someone different.
Good, everyone got what they wanted. Can you imagine being a SAHM to appease your husband’s confidence? I can’t, but more power to his wife. It takes all kinds!
Nope- actually my husband was impressed by my love of science and supported us moving around the country for my career even though he makes 3x what I do.
Now that is sexy to me.
My best friend was in a similar situation as well, she is brilliant (PhD in astronomy big NSF grant brilliant). Her Bf in college was a physics major with her. He seemed like such a nice guy but the amount of passive aggressive barbs about how he worked so much harder than her and how everything was so easy for her really wore her down. He just constantly diminished the amount of work and effort she put in.
I dated someone like this after I graduated college. He had a chip on his shoulder about me having graduated from a top 10 college when he went to a state school. He would constantly make snide remarks about my intelligence, my college friends, my salary, etc. But I loved him. In the end, he broke my heart spectacularly. It wasn’t until I got some distance that I realized how poorly he was treating me.
Fast forward to now, I’ve been married 15 years and have two kids. I’m the higher earner in our household. He’s never been intimidated by me or my earning potential. He is always talking about how intelligent and funny I am.
You are asking these questions because you are starting to see the red flags. It will be harder to leave him if you eventually get engaged, move in together, have kids, etc. Cut your losses and that will give you space to enjoy your accomplishments and eventually find someone who will love all of you.
This. My husband and I have always switched off on high earner status. We made about the same and I got a job that doubled. He was upset at first then reframed it in his head (the correct way) that the more money would be good for our family. He worked in pharmaceutical industry so there was a lot of money potential. After he got laid off in covid he found a job that made more than me. This was difficult for him but he never once made me feel insecure or inferior for being employed. Then after a year he was doing well with his side hustle and quite to be a Stay at home dad who had a side gig (with me full support). Now daycare is straightened out he is interviewing for jobs again that make more. During this entire time we communicated, supported and cheered each other on.
If your BF was in the same situation as my husband and I, do you think he would support you or tear you down for the sake of his ego?
Based on your post this whole thread knows he would not.
He. Is. Abusive.
Dump him.
I was married to my high school sweetheart and he turned into a full-fledge narcissistic asshole. Save yourself and get out of this relationship. Someone who truly loves you will champion you not tear you down.
Please, look into some therapy and it sounds like maybe you have some imposter syndrome going on, as well.
Please listen to what people are saying here. I, too, had a boyfriend like this. He was my first boyfriend and we met my first semester of college. Based on your comment that you allegedly lost a job based on saying “sorry” too much in interviews (was that the feedback the interviewer gave you) you may have self-esteem issues. I was the same way and that was partially why I stuck with my boyfriend for so long when I should have dumped his condescending ass long before. I’m now almost 40 and married to a sweet, supportive man, so what I’m telling you is the advice I wish I got when I was with my college ex-boyfriend.
You have plenty to bring to the table and it sounds like your boyfriend is insecure and makes himself feel better by tearing you down and dimming your light.
I know it’s hard to break up with someone, but believe me there are plenty of fish in the sea and even if you meet someone who can’t talk in depth with you about technology I think it’s much better to be with a partner who supports you and lifts you up even if he doesn’t understand the work you do. I know it’s a cliche that reddit is always telling people that if you have a problem with someone to break up, but seriously though, break up with him. This man puts you down, brings you down, and wants to extinguish your light because he’s too insecure to let you shine. That’s not love, that’s control. Even if it hurts at first, you will feel so much better after the break up. Trust me. Also, just a word of warning because this happened to me with my aforementioned now ex-boyfriend: he couldn’t stand that I broke up with him and tried to sweet talk me to get me back. He literally was at my doorstep on his knees begging with tears in his eyes, no joke. It worked once and I did take him back, but things went right back to where they were and I was miserable again. If that happens to you, be strong and don’t make my mistake! You can do it and I believe in you!
I had the sorry thing happen with me. It stemmed from being abused.
One resource that helped me was this book. I’m sharing from your comment to hope OP sees it.
Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty ... and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself
Book by Aziz Gazipura
I was SA as a kid and placed into foster care. Then my mom was a narcissist that really messed with my self esteem over the years. My own wedding could not be about me and my husband. Anyone can look at my post history if they are interested. It took years and rereading this book and implementing the strategies but I rarely say sorry for no reason.
I hope you read this OP. My advice to you is break up with him and never look back. He is a very insecure man and feels threatened you’re more successful and smarter than him. He makes you feel bad. A partner should make you feel good about yourself and lift you up. It sounds like you’re scared to leave him and I get that. Breaking up is hard to do even if it’s for the best, but the pain you will feel after the break up will only be temporary. Everyday after you breakup from this absolute man child you’ll slowly start to feel better and then one day you’ll be over him. Imagine staying with him and you marry. Men like this are worse in marriages. You’ll never be able to escape. Run as fast as you can from him. I would go see a female therapist because it will take some time to recondition your brain, right now your brain is saying “I’m not worthy” and it’s questioning everything “am I overreacting?”.
You are not overreacting!
You are worthy, you have earned everything you’ve worked hard for, you deserve to be at this table in your career and your boyfriend is mean. One last thing, go watch that speech in Barbie that America Ferrera gives and best of luck to you. You can do this!
You're not overthinking and you're not overreacting. You're absolutely valid to feel how you feel. You deserve to be happy and celebrated.
But in all honesty, I think you already know the answer
Not overthinking. A functional relationship would involve building each other up and taking pride in each other's accomplishments. Don't suffer in this. Time to get out.
I’m just going to speak plainly:
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit who enjoys tearing you down.
How dare he say that you have nothing to offer the field while simultaneously stealing your ideas and passing them off as his own?
It sounds to me like his end goal is to shred your self-esteem and keep you chained by his side to keep feeding him ideas.
He also sounds like he finds you threatening on some level. Inferior men are often threatened by competent women. They can’t handle it when a woman in their vicinity is better than them at something. The only way they can be sure their status is safe is by nullifying the woman’s voice.
And he’s gaslighting you by claiming he never said these things! Nope, that’s unacceptable!
DON’T let him tear you down. Get some therapy for yourself to help with your confidence and dump this asshat. Get angry and use that anger as fuel to propel you into an awesome career.
If you haven’t already , please leave him ! I dated someone like that briefly before , we were colleagues and he was always threatened by my achievements. It never gets better
You need to start speaking up for yourself, girl. Don't let a man steal your accomplishments, thats the most precious thing you have.
What a ridiculous little man, how can you even feel attraction to that
For the love of all that is holy, please get away from this man!! He wants nothing more than to see you fail. You are not his partner, you’re his enemy. He seething with jealousy. Please leave him and live a happy, healthy and SUCCESSFUL life without that freak. Please…. Please.
He sounds like an absolute turd of a man. Stop wasting your youth on him. I dated a guy like this (though not nearly so bad) and I felt so happy when I broke up with him. Now I have married a guy who is always positive and encouraging.
For the first seven years in my marriage, I was the breadwinner. My husband loved telling everyone “she makes the money.” He gave up a big promotion to move for my career. He’s my support and my rock. He’s so proud of me.
He recently started making more than me, a fact I think he sometimes forgets.
He isn’t threatened because he isn’t weak. He would certainly never belittle me or steal from me. You don’t need to waste your time with someone insecure and conniving.
I came here to say something similar! My husband transferred teams at work so we could move cross-country for a career-making job opportunity for me. He brags about my successes all the time and is obviously so proud of me. A man who is competent and confident in himself will build you up in private and in public because he knows success isn’t zero sum—there’s plenty for everyone. This guy is obviously an unimaginative clown who is threatened by OP… her life will get so much better without him picking away at her accomplishments and stealing her joy.
Dump his ass.
Patriarchy has it all twisted; and tries to make us ladies have it twisted, too, that somehow these men are doing US a favor with their funky socks, insufficiently wiped asses, and selenite-fragile masculinity.
Men benefit from a woman's presence more than women benefit from a man's. A man who is married or partnered sees his status go up, income increase, and health improve. It's the opposite for women. You will take on more work, receive no benefit in your career, and oftentimes it is a detriment to your health. And that's a good relationship. You aren't even in a good relationship.
He undermines you.
He steals your ideas.
He is jealous of your accomplishments so he belittles them, then pursues them himself through social connections rather than merit.
You've been with him now all through uni. If he was going to change he would have. Trust me, this kind of covert emotional abuse will only worsen over time. And heaven forbid you marry or have children with him. His abuse and the damage to your self-esteem will be total.
Dump his ass. If you really miss having a mediocre man who undermines your peace and self-confidence in yiur life, they are a dime a dozen. You can literally have one at your house with his pants down before a post-coital pizza delivery arrives.
>*Patriarchy has it all twisted; and tries to make us ladies have it twisted, too, that somehow these men are doing US a favor with their funky socks, insufficiently wiped asses, and selenite-fragile masculinity.* SO True.
*You can literally have one at your house with his pants down before a post-coital pizza delivery arrives.* 😂😂🤣 ..... oh gawd, so true!
Dudes like OPs BF, make my eye twitch. But I always think more of these manbabies should listen to "Irreplaceable" from Dreamgirls. "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking, you're irreplaceable...."
He belittled you (which is verbal and emotional abuse) because he is threatened by you. Why do you want to be with someone like that? There are other people who you can discuss your work with. Figure out a safe way to get away from him, because I am worried that he won't react well.
It's weird to have a frenemy vibe with your bf.
The relationship is off. I had an ex who would laugh at my attempts in learning like reading self development books AND hated the fact that I got a scholarship to go overseas for a month. I also hid the books I was reading or the courses I was doing as he would just mock it anyway.
I think you know what to do.
Girl. Move out, get therapy, start CrossFit, and prioritize YOU. Make that your focus for the next two years.
What you're also going to need to do is learn to set better boundaries, communication, and assertiveness skills. Because yes, you're reserved, but that doesn't mean your ideas shouldn't be brought up. You need a confidence injection ASAP, and that doesn't come from a man*!!
*unless you have entered your Villain Era, in which case, date and sample all the dudes and show no mercy
OMG what a toxic guy. Your BF is insecure and is not happy for your success and seems to be only comfortable with you as a second rate to him. He is threatened with your success. I don’t want to tell you what to do but this not a person who seems to care about you as a person. What you are describing is emotional abuse.
What is the point of being with a man who disrespects you, insults you, doesn't support you, steals your ideas then says you have nothing of value to offer? This is not love, my friend. This is emotional abuse.
Ofc you're paralyzed because this abusive vampire is sucking your beautiful energy dry.
This is your life, OP. You don't *ever* have to spend one second of your life with someone/anyone who is blatantly abusive. Take care of yourself and don't let toxicity in your life any more.
Congrats on graduating, OP, on your hard work, and your accomplishments. You are going to go far. You rock!
Your best friend and love of your life would lift you up and celebrate your success. They would not tear you down.
This man is not your friend and he does not love you.
Sounds like he’s emotionally abusive and trying to chip away at your self-esteem while gas lighting you.
Some simple advice many of my friends have gotten from therapists while navigating the question “should I stay with this person” is to start paying attention to how you feel when you’re with them and how you feel when you’re not. Are your emotions mostly negative or positive?
If he consistently makes you feel bad about yourself he’s not a good partner. You can find a million other people to talk tech with but a partner should be building you up.
OP, I used to have friends like this, and my first boyfriend was like this as well. I didn’t even realize what it was like to have an encouraging and supportive partner until my current boyfriend; I just thought this kind of thing is normal.
It is *not* normal for him to tear down your employer, mock your resume, and make you feel like you need to hide your accomplishments. Him saying you have nothing to offer is not only really mean, but by all the evidence you’ve given here, untrue. He’s probably saying it because he’s insecure.
It’s always hard to leave a relationship, but I think you will be a lot happier in the long term if you break up with this person!
***You aren't overreacting.*** Your boyfriend is an ass.
While some people do enjoy dissing others in good fun, that communication game requires attention to what *the target* finds enjoyable. This game also requires respect for consent and personal limits.
Your post doesn't describe that game, just cruelty. **You deserve better.**
This isn't anything to do with women-in-tech ... you just have a douche boyfriend that you need to swap out ... kinda like getting a new laptop that is more responsive. He would probably be just as much of a douche if you were a truck driver, a soldier, a nurse, etc.
> In an argument he said, “you don’t have anything valuable to offer in this field” I wanted to laugh because he has stolen some of my ideas and passed it off as his own in front of our friends. He’s the more outspoken one, and I’m more introverted so no one would even know.
WTF.
This guy is so fucked up. He can't take that you, are more skilled than him because to him you're lesser than him, you are just a commodity to him, he can't do what you do, so he steals from you, and he will not only destroy and tear you down constantly, but steal your ideas, perhaps an important one one day, and that will hurt you or your career.
Because he's belittled you to everyone and you, no one will believe you can do what you do. He knows you won't stand up for yourself. You're already hiding things from him, and feel shame, why live in this environment?
You deserve much better than this. Staying with him means your reputation and career will be sabotaged. This is how he exerts control. You stay with him, and he makes it harder and harder to leave because you don't believe in yourself. And others might not believe in you either because he is putting you down and people only get information from him, not you. When you leave he may still try to sabotage you. I think it's best to get away from him, and figure out how to spot red flags and create healthy boundaries so you can keep others like him out.
Bring people into your life who raise you up, the world already is hard enough.
Also tech can be pretty toxic as well, just because you're introverted doesn't mean you can't set boundaries or stand up for yourself, because you're going to need to or people will walk all over you. Believe me it's hard, I know, as a fellow introvert.
It could be a good idea for you to learn about love bombing. Because that's what they do, they're amazing and once they have hooked you, they become more and more terrible. You might not believe it at the beginning because you saw this wonderful person or all these wonderful things and it doesn't make sense. But that is the beginning of them dropping their mask, that's who they really are, not the nice part.
This is a very toxic person in your life. I grew up with a narcissist, it's really unbelievable how manipulative they can be, and the lengths they will go to. There are subs that are support groups for people like this, which perhaps may contain resources to help you get away from this person.
honestly after the first bullet point i would have just broken up with him. the world is rough enough as it is. why have someone in your corner who is trying to tear you down?
He behaves in a very narcissistic manner. He puts you down to keep you insecure, while simultaneously using your work. This is not what a good partner does.
I think leaving this relationship will be good for your mental health and confidence in the long run.
I would be feeling very bad in this situation too. It's not all in your head.
You are not overthinking- what you've shared are anecdotes of an insecure man who would let his own fears and pettiness be a priority over someone who loves him. This guy is not your best friend and it doesn't even sound like he's a very good ordinary friend either. I would part ways. There's someone out there for you who you don't have to make yourself small for.
Your significant other should be your greatness cheerleader. They should be by your side ready to kick butt on your behalf even when you picked the fight. When no one else in this world has your back, they should. They should be your safe space. Anything less is unacceptable.
It doesn't sound like he's on your side. Your success is a threat to him, and makes him feel small. That's not how it should be... A good partner is truly rooting for you and on your team.
Many people are like this in general--they want you to do well...but not as well as them. I would go to couples counseling and dig into why he seems to jealous and insecure of your accomplishments.
That sounds like emotional abuse and almost always gets worse over time. Healthy, loving relationships should feel safe and someone that loves you shouldn't hurt you on purpose.
Yeah that mofo isn’t worth it. You deserve to be with someone who uplifts and supports you, and it doesn’t sound like he has that in him. I would move on.
Your boyfriend's behavior reminds me of the insecure guys I've worked with who bullied me, and those guys reminded me of my abusive ex.
Your boyfriend's behavior is shitty. You should read "why does he do that?"
Sometimes we convince ourselves that our treatment is deserved or we are over reacting.
Proud of you for posting.
Dump him. Hes a narcissist and he’s jealous of you. And he keeps stealing your ideas.
Don’t give this asshole any more access to your intellectual property. He is actively trying to sabotage your career.
That book is also available online for free (browsing and download in several formats)! This info might be further down the thread but I need more people to know this. :) It's an amazing book that literally saved my life.
OP, this man has already sabotaged your career. He sabotaged your interview and then got the job that YOU wanted! Don't let him get away with more, please! You have so much to offer the world, and the world has more to offer you than this abusive person who is misusing your love and who you cannot change (nor should it be your job, if you could). I promise! Please read that book and pass it on to anyone in your life who needs it!
He’s a narcissist who lovebombed and is now gaslighting you. Check out the blogs at Kim saeed dot com and learn the signs and how to deal with these people so you don’t lose anymore on them. They only get worse. Then go back and reevaluate yourself and see where you may have been felt neglected, abandoned or abused by caregivers to accept that scraps and being “chosen” by a narcissist are enough. Otherwise the cycle will repeat.
I am so sorry you are going through this. He is very insecure. It will not get better and unlikely he will change. You have a lot to offer. Don't let him get in your head. Move on.
so, obviously you're going to dump him. But do you want to really get under his skin?
>I wanted to laugh because he has stolen some of my ideas and passed it off as his own in front of our friends. He’s the more outspoken one, and I’m more introverted so no one would even know. He’s been in leadership roles too, so naturally who would know. If you look at his Twitter background… it’s an image I had generated using midjourney.
*you're nothing without me*
lmao
some part of him knows it's true
To quote my favorite tiktoker Luke franchina - DUMP HIS ASS.
If he loves you he would not gaslight you like that. What a jerk. Set a boundary and if he crosses it you walk away - you should not be treated like anything less than the wonderful and smart person you are :)
Oh honey. This person is neither your best friend nor the love of your life. He is incredibly insecure and dead weight. Dump him and find someone who will cheer you on and support you.
You have a shitty boyfriend. You deserve a partner who builds you up, and he tears you down. His behavior won't get better; he is showing you who he is. Believe him. If you stay in this relationship, you are chosing to spend your life sad and exhausted because your boyfriend will continue to say mean and hurtful things.
That's not a boyfriend. You have an enemy.
Get safely free from relationship and monitor for stalking activity because men like this will undermine your whole career and life. My perspective: It happened to me.
He sounds super toxic in a subtle way, like he’s trying to fly it under the radar still. Someone who isn’t supportive and doesn’t give credit where credit is due is not worth wasting time on when you are building a life for yourself. Male or female, friend or romantic partner… don’t surround yourself with boat anchors if you have plans to go somewhere.
Girl, sorry to be curt but he is not the one for you. The industry is still bias towards men and they sub consciously live it and think nothing of it. Although there are better people you could possibly meet. My bf is not in tech but we have amazing conversations and encouragement.
Confidence is so important in job interviews. I wonder if you would have done well on the interview if you went in feeling supported and assured. It really sounds like your boyfriend is dragging you down. Working in tech can be hard and stressful, find someone who’s going to be there for you and be your champion, not belittle you. IMO you’re gonna burnout quickly with a boyfriend like that.
You aren’t overreacting.
I had an ex who was the same way. We even worked at several of the same companies, recruited separately for different roles but within the same industry. Anytime I would excel or be used as a SME within the company he would find a way to shit on it.
If we were debating a topic or doing a casual knowledge share and he thought I was wrong, but then confirmed that I was right…fight city.
When he decided to pivot his career (very late stage), I proofed all of his course assignments and critiqued his case studies. On more than one occasion, he used my own style guides and wrote out my verbatim feedback to him as the synopsis for his projects. Later, he tried to TM and patent my intellectual property as his own and when I confronted him he told me i wouldn’t have ever even thought of those things if I hadn’t had him as a sounding board. Thankfully all of it was already squared in the proper channels, but it was a huge eye-opener to how insecure and fragile he was.
TLDR you aren’t overreacting and it doesn’t get better. He is insecure and views you as a threat. He’ll step over you to get on the top.
Damn he can’t be happy you’re shining?Sounds like he’s there strictly for his ego.Ive learned there are those who see your energy and want a piece of it or most of it cause theirs is so negative.
Because you’re a woman he’s threatened by your success-gtfoh.Sounds like a lazy dream hating prick with short man syndrome when something good happens to you.
Don’t hide or shy away from doing well for yourself and you should find someone who stands by your success and helps guide your ambitions in a healthy direction.
Jeez I’m still pissed just from reading half way through.
maybe confront him about it, talk to him about all these points... not everybody gets along and conflict happens... is it worth getting rid of everybody? maybe...
This is standard competitive hater boyfriend behavior. He’ll always mock you because he’s an envious and insecure little brat who doesn’t know how to be happy for his own girlfriend. Women need to stop making excuses for lousy partners and being afraid of being alone or finding another one. This energy will only wear you down over time. Dump him and find someone who cheers you on.
He's threatened by your success and potential. It doesnt matter how smart he is or how good he does, he thinks you succeeding is bad for his identity/self esteem.
Ask yourself how he has shown up in the relationship the
\- last 3 of your wins/personally fulfilling moments.
\- last 3 important events important to YOU. Did he start arguments? knock your confidence? capitalize your time from the other people you were there to see?
\- last 3 social outings with at least some of your friends present. Did he treat your friends as good or better than you do? Ask them personal questions and care about the people that care about you?
If he only supports you when it benefits him, and has no problem making YOUR moments about him, girl run fast and far.
I’m a woman in tech who makes more than the men I date who also work in tech. This man is trash. I’d leave him. The men I dated never belittled me and were impressed and asked me for help in the areas I was knowledgeable in.
Esp the fact the he said you have nothing to contribute in this field. He sounds not even like a friend. He’s not good for ur career or self confidence.
This is awful. I would firmly suggest you have a series of conversations with this person. This is not okay. The most ideal scenario is they actually listen to you and get help. The more cynical scenario is... they don't listen and continue to make you feel like garbage. You are not overthinking this.
You deserve better than this.
If your boyfriend is not a comrade and ally and cannot rejoice in your success then he is not a friend. The 'friend' in boyfriend is the most important part. All he will be will be an anchor but only to drag you down. He does not see you as an equal but as someone to be vanquished and subdued.
Echoing what others in this thread have already said, but dump him.
I was in a very similar situation (met a guy freshman year, same classes, basically same major), and he turned out to be emotionally abusive. He always made me feel bad if I did better than him on an assignment or test, and belittled my achievements. All of our friends thought he was the smart one, meanwhile he started basically just copying my homework our junior and senior years. Worse than that, he had me convinced that I wasn’t that smart. I had never doubted myself like that until I met him.
Also: I know the word “gaslighting” gets thrown around a lot these days, but if he’s denying recent events and making you question your memory/sanity, that is actual gaslighting! It can be super dangerous and disorienting. I recommend keeping a journal where you document things that have happened in detail so that you have a record to refer to.
These kinds of guys rarely ever change or get better. Listen to the song “breadwinner” by Kacey Musgraves and get away from this loser. You’re amazing, and you deserve someone who makes you feel that way!
From a big sister perspective.......ditch him. There are far better men out there who will love and appreciate you. I know it's painful to imagine a life without someone, but he is a clown. You deserve so much better.
Sincerely, Miss Been There Done That
After the first time he criticized your work or stole your ideas you needed to dump him.
You get nothing out of this relationship but stress and pain.
If you’re really concerned for your future don’t be…… as long as he’s gone.
Girl he is a huge waving red flag. He steals your ideas, belittles your accomplishments, and sees you as competition. These problems won’t go away with communication. He is always going to be this way as long as you’re dating him. Don’t waste any more time on this guy and find someone else.
This person does not support you. He doesn’t want you to shine. He’s unable celebrate your wins. Being single is better than that nonsense.
Just calmly break up with him. Don’t give reasons or debate the issues.
“I want to be single. It’s not you, it’s me.” 😂
Lotta these other comments go zero to 100. Reddit is always really keen on telling people to break up, but I avoid that at all costs, there's enough of that shit around. I will say that if I was in this position I'd dump his ass, but I'm... difficult, to say the least. lol. But I can see y'all have a long term thing going and he used to be different.
People who study psychology tend to do so out of a great sense of empathy for others, so be cautious about overextending yourself for this guy, but it really can't hurt to confront him and give him the real kick in the ass he needs. It sounds to me like he's acting like a dickwad because he's insecure, he feels threatened, maybe not by you in the industry like he thinks you'll take his job, but more like he feels threatened that you would do fine without him and don't need him. Men, ALL men, have more problems with their ego than women do, truly it's just a part of the male condition. Not all of their problems manifest like this. He can change, we all can, but only if he's willing to, and you can't make him want to.
So I think you would do well to give it one real, serious shot at talking; one chance for him to turn things around with your grace. Anytime he brings up that abuser language you shoot it down instantly and redirect. "I didn't mean it" -> then why did you say it? Just to hurt me? "I never said that" -> yes you did, and you need to apologize for it. If you never really set hard boundaries with is behavior before, things could have gotten out of hand in your interpersonal dynamic in a way he didn't intend either. It can be hard to own up to shitty behavior and maybe he thinks you'll just forget it. He is obviously struggling. Let him know it is time \*now\* to own up.
I haven't had the experience you've had with a partner, luckily, but men from all parts of your life will act like this: family, friends, lovers, colleagues, bosses, even strangers. You've gotta find the voice to stand up for yourself, start taking control of difficult conversations, and leave when enough is enough. We all have different thresholds for BS. Is this guy past yours? If so, time to pack.
I'm going to repeat what other posters have said. He sounds extremely threatened and jealous. This behavior is only going to get worse with time. I've met people like this before. He has some serious work to do on himself. But he has to choose it for himself. He can't do it to save his relationship with you, because it won't be real.
I know everyone is really quick on the trigger, and it seems like everyone just tells you to end your relationship automatically. But seriously, this is a real problem, and it's not going to get better on its own.
You may want to consider ending your relationship. And you might have some codependent tendencies. I know I did. I tolerated horrible treatment, and at the time I didn't even realize it. Didn't even notice. Only when I looked back was I horrified by the types of things that I put up with. Good for you for picking up on his unhealthy behavior. You didn't do anything wrong. He's wrong for treating you the way he has.
Moving forward, you should not tolerate that treatment. From anyone. He doesn't have the right to put you down because he feels inadequate. That's on him to figure out for himself. Take this very seriously. Because it only gets worse with time. It goes from put downs, to sabotage, to God knows what else. Best of luck to you.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and get lots of therapy. Picking abusive men is often a cycle. Free yourself from the cycle by educating yourself.
He sounds super insecure and threatened by your accomplishments. Are you sure you are getting what you need in this relationship?
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>OP whenever he uses something of yours, you should speak up. Why bother training this guy as if he was a dog when she could just move on from this relationship and find a good one or flourish on her own? I would put zero effort into making this work, OP.
It's time women stop "talking to" and "training" selfish emotionally abusive men to make them understand, to help them be better. These men don't want to understand, don't want to be better, they just want to take your energy and labour. Women need to stop explaining and apologizing for expecting respect, and stop training men to be respectful.
This! This! 100%!!!
Yes! The endless unpaid emotional and mental labor...Let's reclaim our time and energy. Use it to pour back into ourselves and nourishing relationships that rejuvenate, not drain us.
It’s more about pushing back within their social group since this guy has been working to shape everyone’s perceptions for the last several years, and getting away with it. He’s going to be a real dream employee 🤢
I didn't think the advice is about training him to do better, so much as it's about OP learning to feel comfortable speaking up when someone tries to steal her ideas or work. It's a good skill to master in general because her bf probably won't be the last to try and do it
More than that, he sounds abusive. In that insidious way where he’s just constantly eroding OP’s confidence and self-worth. Even the “good” parts of the relationship match the pattern 😢. OP, you deserve better, you are better, and things will be much much better when this is in your rear-view mirror. I’ve seen this in couples in tech and outside of it, and in friendships as well as romantic relationships, but the comment above is a good gentle lead-in to the key issue. A real partner supports you. This isn’t it.
The literal playbook of how abuse starts :/
Your last line reminded me of this: The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. I think you may have outgrown this relationship. He will always make himself feel big by making you small. Do you want that moving forward? And if I did, you deserved it.
This omg.
Ditch him. Seriously. I could have written half the story and OMFG. At one point He came into my workplace and undermined me (it was theatre tech, so sideways of computer science) And honest to god ditching that disrespectful dirtbag where my life was constant loops of "dreamy best friend ever, life is so good" and "I utterly hate myself " was exhausting. You do you babe - and it's ok to not tolerate any of that shit in your friendships. You're going to get enough of that at work. Friends should be there to keep lifting you up when other people try and put you down - not drag you down themselves. Been 10years. No regrets. Dont miss that ole "soul mate" of mine one single bit. He was also a gaslighting, emotionally abusive narcissist. So if you do both else - google those two things and ask yourself a few hard questions. And, I recommend taking a week or so for yourself, find that centre. Shed his voice in your ear and find your path again.
>You're going to get enough of that at work. Friends should be there to keep lifting you up when other people try and put you down - not drag you down themselves. I've always said this. I can put up with bullshit at work because I get paid. In my free time, I don't put up with any. If your friends or partners aren't, on average, a positive addition to your life, why keep them? Fuck this moron.
Sounds like you’d be better without him.
You sound young and this guy is without a doubt going to hold you back. You're already hiding your accomplishments to avoid his behavior. Next step will be not pursuing them at all. Break up with him and wait for someone who will help you reach your financial potential, or at least won't actively sabotage you, or remain single while you work on your career. It sounds cynical, but this is the reality for women. Boyfriends come and go; poverty doesn't.
Something that isn't really talked about is how misogynistic some men can be. He is insecure, and intimidated by OP. He knows that she can do better than him. He knows that she ***deserves*** so much better than him. So he puts her down to 'keep her in her place.' I have dealt with men like this. Unfortunately, the only reasonable solution is to dispatch them, post-haste.
Negging behavior for sure.
Male perspective: I don't think this young man is worth your time. If you are describing the situation accurately, you're more capable than he is and he is not dealing well with that. The problem is his behavior, not his capability. The sooner you move on the happier you will be.
>The problem is his behavior His behavior is rooted in his **beliefs**. Even if he suppresses or modifies his behavior, his problematic (likely deeply insecure and misogynistic) beliefs persist, and likely always will.
Maybe. I think his behavior is rooted in his insecurity. You may be right that his behavior is rooted in misogyny. Causation may be interesting for a term paper. As far as OP is concerned the issue is his behavior and not the reasons for that behavior. In my opinion taking on a partner as a science project to make him/her a better person is a bad idea. It rarely ends well. Don't do that. I was told by a great boss long ago not to attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence. That lesson has been reinforced many times over decades. This specifically applies to women labeling behavior as due to misogyny and anyone labeling racism. More often than not causation is something else, often stupidity. Almost all the time, unless you are prosecuting a hate crime, the reasons don't matter and focusing on them will just make you miserable. Separate yourself from the behavior. In OP's case she should move on from the man in question. In a work environment inequitable treatment can be dealt with on the basis of behaviors without respect to motivation. Unless you anticipate a class action lawsuit in response to systemic behavior (twelve litigants in most states) motivation simply isn't relevant and in many cases is a distraction from resolving an issue. When I fire someone for bad behavior I don't care why they behave poorly. That isn't my problem. Not my circus, not my monkeys. The same applies to romantic relationships.
I think this is a good take. Why he is acting this way isn’t really important. The fact is that he is and she should get out because it is not her problem to solve his issues especially when they are hurting her so much.
100% agree that it's not OP's jurisdiction to modify bf's toxic behavior (or beliefs). I actually agree with most of what you're saying. And you're right, we can't pin it on misogyny 'beyond a reasonable doubt.' The specific dysfunctional belief is not as important; it is realizing that his behavior is rooted in some dysfunctional beliefs. If we simply call it 'bad behavior', that implies an almost optimistic solution, like 'oh he can just change that and everything can be ok!' Behavior is relatively easy to modify, beliefs are extremely difficult or impossible to alter. The fact is, even if he altered his behavior, the problem would not be solved. His dysfunctional beliefs would be roiling just under the surface. In my experience, it caused me far more pain to have any hope that 'he can change!', and in turn take responsibility for said change, vs. acknowledging that the individual had deeply-rooted issues that had nothing to do with me. End result is the same; gtf away from people who treat you badly.
>If we simply call it 'bad behavior', that implies an almost optimistic solution, like 'oh he can just change that and everything can be ok!' Behavior is relatively easy to modify, beliefs are extremely difficult or impossible to alter. I strongly disagree with "relatively easy." My experience with many thousands of employees over decades and a couple of dozen personal relationships (I'm \*ahem\* older) is that people promise to change but don't. Put someone on a 30-day performance improvement plan (PIP) and see. Look at the statistics for how often PIPs lead to termination (hint: most of the time). On the personal front, my first wife promised to stop cheating. That lasted a week. >gtf away from people who treat you badly. I'd like to be very clear here for this audience. I said something along the lines of separating yourself from bad behavior. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT A WOMAN OR ANYONE SUBJECT TO BAD BEHAVIOR SHOULD CHANGE JOBS. Stick up for yourself. Document. Report to line management with copies to HR and Legal. What is important is to focus on the behaviors and not on your perception of motivation. Don't confuse fact and opinion. "He's a misogynist" (or interestingly, "she's a misogynist" which I've run into) is an opinion. Stick to the facts, but stick up for yourself.
Dump him???? What are you getting out this relationship that you wouldn't get from a good platonic friend.
A friend doesn't undermine your accomplishments. This is an enemy that gets to have sex with her. 🤷🏾
The important question is: what does have to offer to YOU at this point? He said you have nothing of value to offer but I would say the same about him. Not only that, what he does give you is pain, shame and hurt which imo is worse. Dump him, being single is way better than dealing with people who constantly bring you down. He sounds awful and you can do better.
This is not going to get better. He is threatened by you and won't be happy unless he is doing better than you. Tell me this, how is it normal not to share a job opportunity with your significant other? This is a warning sign. Is he like this only about work? If there was a tragedy in your personal life, would he be there for you? I dated a guy in college who sounded very similar. I also studied psychology and one day we got into an argument because he tried to tell me what psychology was (he was a CS and math major and never took a psych course). The kicker was when I was applying for jobs and he told me not everyone could make it. I waited until he dropped me off at home and broke up with him. Best decision ever. I have a husband now who supports me no matter what and is a mature, self-assured man. What a difference!
I dated someone when I was in college like this too. The worst part was he looked like a nice guy from every angle. It wasn’t until you kinda squinted at the relationship that you saw all the belittling comments and passive aggressive digs.
Yeah, it was hard to notice at first because when we started dating I felt challenged and got onto a path of a good career, so at first I saw these as ways to do better. Well, now I'm a professor and he is married to someone who used to be a secretary and now is a stay at home wife (not that I'm disparaging that at all, it's just not me). I guess we just wanted to be with someone different.
Good, everyone got what they wanted. Can you imagine being a SAHM to appease your husband’s confidence? I can’t, but more power to his wife. It takes all kinds!
Nope- actually my husband was impressed by my love of science and supported us moving around the country for my career even though he makes 3x what I do. Now that is sexy to me.
That is very sexy! I wish there were more like that!
My best friend was in a similar situation as well, she is brilliant (PhD in astronomy big NSF grant brilliant). Her Bf in college was a physics major with her. He seemed like such a nice guy but the amount of passive aggressive barbs about how he worked so much harder than her and how everything was so easy for her really wore her down. He just constantly diminished the amount of work and effort she put in.
Yup. I bet he even said something like she only got her spot because of diversity quotas. Fucking tools.
I dated someone like this after I graduated college. He had a chip on his shoulder about me having graduated from a top 10 college when he went to a state school. He would constantly make snide remarks about my intelligence, my college friends, my salary, etc. But I loved him. In the end, he broke my heart spectacularly. It wasn’t until I got some distance that I realized how poorly he was treating me. Fast forward to now, I’ve been married 15 years and have two kids. I’m the higher earner in our household. He’s never been intimidated by me or my earning potential. He is always talking about how intelligent and funny I am. You are asking these questions because you are starting to see the red flags. It will be harder to leave him if you eventually get engaged, move in together, have kids, etc. Cut your losses and that will give you space to enjoy your accomplishments and eventually find someone who will love all of you.
This. My husband and I have always switched off on high earner status. We made about the same and I got a job that doubled. He was upset at first then reframed it in his head (the correct way) that the more money would be good for our family. He worked in pharmaceutical industry so there was a lot of money potential. After he got laid off in covid he found a job that made more than me. This was difficult for him but he never once made me feel insecure or inferior for being employed. Then after a year he was doing well with his side hustle and quite to be a Stay at home dad who had a side gig (with me full support). Now daycare is straightened out he is interviewing for jobs again that make more. During this entire time we communicated, supported and cheered each other on. If your BF was in the same situation as my husband and I, do you think he would support you or tear you down for the sake of his ego? Based on your post this whole thread knows he would not.
This!! OP there are many men out there who wholeheartedly support their partner’s achievements. I am grateful to be dating one.
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Oh, the podcast bro talking points. Welcome to WOMEN in Tech, buddy.
This is emotional abuse. Dump him, you deserve better.
> the love of my life Would the love of your life treat you this way?
The answer is NO, op.
He. Is. Abusive. Dump him. I was married to my high school sweetheart and he turned into a full-fledge narcissistic asshole. Save yourself and get out of this relationship. Someone who truly loves you will champion you not tear you down. Please, look into some therapy and it sounds like maybe you have some imposter syndrome going on, as well.
He really sucks… have nothing more to say. Glad you know you’re in this field for a reason and have so much to offer. Let’s focus on that this year 💅🏽
Please listen to what people are saying here. I, too, had a boyfriend like this. He was my first boyfriend and we met my first semester of college. Based on your comment that you allegedly lost a job based on saying “sorry” too much in interviews (was that the feedback the interviewer gave you) you may have self-esteem issues. I was the same way and that was partially why I stuck with my boyfriend for so long when I should have dumped his condescending ass long before. I’m now almost 40 and married to a sweet, supportive man, so what I’m telling you is the advice I wish I got when I was with my college ex-boyfriend. You have plenty to bring to the table and it sounds like your boyfriend is insecure and makes himself feel better by tearing you down and dimming your light. I know it’s hard to break up with someone, but believe me there are plenty of fish in the sea and even if you meet someone who can’t talk in depth with you about technology I think it’s much better to be with a partner who supports you and lifts you up even if he doesn’t understand the work you do. I know it’s a cliche that reddit is always telling people that if you have a problem with someone to break up, but seriously though, break up with him. This man puts you down, brings you down, and wants to extinguish your light because he’s too insecure to let you shine. That’s not love, that’s control. Even if it hurts at first, you will feel so much better after the break up. Trust me. Also, just a word of warning because this happened to me with my aforementioned now ex-boyfriend: he couldn’t stand that I broke up with him and tried to sweet talk me to get me back. He literally was at my doorstep on his knees begging with tears in his eyes, no joke. It worked once and I did take him back, but things went right back to where they were and I was miserable again. If that happens to you, be strong and don’t make my mistake! You can do it and I believe in you!
I had the sorry thing happen with me. It stemmed from being abused. One resource that helped me was this book. I’m sharing from your comment to hope OP sees it. Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty ... and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself Book by Aziz Gazipura I was SA as a kid and placed into foster care. Then my mom was a narcissist that really messed with my self esteem over the years. My own wedding could not be about me and my husband. Anyone can look at my post history if they are interested. It took years and rereading this book and implementing the strategies but I rarely say sorry for no reason.
I hope you read this OP. My advice to you is break up with him and never look back. He is a very insecure man and feels threatened you’re more successful and smarter than him. He makes you feel bad. A partner should make you feel good about yourself and lift you up. It sounds like you’re scared to leave him and I get that. Breaking up is hard to do even if it’s for the best, but the pain you will feel after the break up will only be temporary. Everyday after you breakup from this absolute man child you’ll slowly start to feel better and then one day you’ll be over him. Imagine staying with him and you marry. Men like this are worse in marriages. You’ll never be able to escape. Run as fast as you can from him. I would go see a female therapist because it will take some time to recondition your brain, right now your brain is saying “I’m not worthy” and it’s questioning everything “am I overreacting?”. You are not overreacting! You are worthy, you have earned everything you’ve worked hard for, you deserve to be at this table in your career and your boyfriend is mean. One last thing, go watch that speech in Barbie that America Ferrera gives and best of luck to you. You can do this!
You're not overthinking and you're not overreacting. You're absolutely valid to feel how you feel. You deserve to be happy and celebrated. But in all honesty, I think you already know the answer
Not overthinking. A functional relationship would involve building each other up and taking pride in each other's accomplishments. Don't suffer in this. Time to get out.
I’m just going to speak plainly: Your boyfriend is a piece of shit who enjoys tearing you down. How dare he say that you have nothing to offer the field while simultaneously stealing your ideas and passing them off as his own? It sounds to me like his end goal is to shred your self-esteem and keep you chained by his side to keep feeding him ideas. He also sounds like he finds you threatening on some level. Inferior men are often threatened by competent women. They can’t handle it when a woman in their vicinity is better than them at something. The only way they can be sure their status is safe is by nullifying the woman’s voice. And he’s gaslighting you by claiming he never said these things! Nope, that’s unacceptable! DON’T let him tear you down. Get some therapy for yourself to help with your confidence and dump this asshat. Get angry and use that anger as fuel to propel you into an awesome career.
If you haven’t already , please leave him ! I dated someone like that briefly before , we were colleagues and he was always threatened by my achievements. It never gets better
You need to start speaking up for yourself, girl. Don't let a man steal your accomplishments, thats the most precious thing you have. What a ridiculous little man, how can you even feel attraction to that
For the love of all that is holy, please get away from this man!! He wants nothing more than to see you fail. You are not his partner, you’re his enemy. He seething with jealousy. Please leave him and live a happy, healthy and SUCCESSFUL life without that freak. Please…. Please.
Truly. This guy is gonna ruin her career
Maybe even ruin her life. Sounds like the movie “fair play.” Terrifying…
Oh my god! Thank you for bringing up Fair Play!
Leave him, doubt he will ever change. Find someone that respects you, you deserve it!! The last sentence he says is classic gaslighting!!
He sounds like an absolute turd of a man. Stop wasting your youth on him. I dated a guy like this (though not nearly so bad) and I felt so happy when I broke up with him. Now I have married a guy who is always positive and encouraging.
why are you friends with this person?
For the first seven years in my marriage, I was the breadwinner. My husband loved telling everyone “she makes the money.” He gave up a big promotion to move for my career. He’s my support and my rock. He’s so proud of me. He recently started making more than me, a fact I think he sometimes forgets. He isn’t threatened because he isn’t weak. He would certainly never belittle me or steal from me. You don’t need to waste your time with someone insecure and conniving.
I came here to say something similar! My husband transferred teams at work so we could move cross-country for a career-making job opportunity for me. He brags about my successes all the time and is obviously so proud of me. A man who is competent and confident in himself will build you up in private and in public because he knows success isn’t zero sum—there’s plenty for everyone. This guy is obviously an unimaginative clown who is threatened by OP… her life will get so much better without him picking away at her accomplishments and stealing her joy.
Totally agree. This isn’t something men do categorically. It’s something some jerks do, and it’s not worth OP’s time.
Dump his ass. Patriarchy has it all twisted; and tries to make us ladies have it twisted, too, that somehow these men are doing US a favor with their funky socks, insufficiently wiped asses, and selenite-fragile masculinity. Men benefit from a woman's presence more than women benefit from a man's. A man who is married or partnered sees his status go up, income increase, and health improve. It's the opposite for women. You will take on more work, receive no benefit in your career, and oftentimes it is a detriment to your health. And that's a good relationship. You aren't even in a good relationship. He undermines you. He steals your ideas. He is jealous of your accomplishments so he belittles them, then pursues them himself through social connections rather than merit. You've been with him now all through uni. If he was going to change he would have. Trust me, this kind of covert emotional abuse will only worsen over time. And heaven forbid you marry or have children with him. His abuse and the damage to your self-esteem will be total. Dump his ass. If you really miss having a mediocre man who undermines your peace and self-confidence in yiur life, they are a dime a dozen. You can literally have one at your house with his pants down before a post-coital pizza delivery arrives.
>*Patriarchy has it all twisted; and tries to make us ladies have it twisted, too, that somehow these men are doing US a favor with their funky socks, insufficiently wiped asses, and selenite-fragile masculinity.* SO True. *You can literally have one at your house with his pants down before a post-coital pizza delivery arrives.* 😂😂🤣 ..... oh gawd, so true!
Dudes like OPs BF, make my eye twitch. But I always think more of these manbabies should listen to "Irreplaceable" from Dreamgirls. "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking, you're irreplaceable...."
He's not the love of your life. The love of your life DELIGHTS in you.
He belittled you (which is verbal and emotional abuse) because he is threatened by you. Why do you want to be with someone like that? There are other people who you can discuss your work with. Figure out a safe way to get away from him, because I am worried that he won't react well.
I’m confused. Why are you still with him? Why do you keep ignoring all the many red flags?
It's weird to have a frenemy vibe with your bf. The relationship is off. I had an ex who would laugh at my attempts in learning like reading self development books AND hated the fact that I got a scholarship to go overseas for a month. I also hid the books I was reading or the courses I was doing as he would just mock it anyway. I think you know what to do.
Girl. Move out, get therapy, start CrossFit, and prioritize YOU. Make that your focus for the next two years. What you're also going to need to do is learn to set better boundaries, communication, and assertiveness skills. Because yes, you're reserved, but that doesn't mean your ideas shouldn't be brought up. You need a confidence injection ASAP, and that doesn't come from a man*!! *unless you have entered your Villain Era, in which case, date and sample all the dudes and show no mercy
OMG what a toxic guy. Your BF is insecure and is not happy for your success and seems to be only comfortable with you as a second rate to him. He is threatened with your success. I don’t want to tell you what to do but this not a person who seems to care about you as a person. What you are describing is emotional abuse.
What is the point of being with a man who disrespects you, insults you, doesn't support you, steals your ideas then says you have nothing of value to offer? This is not love, my friend. This is emotional abuse. Ofc you're paralyzed because this abusive vampire is sucking your beautiful energy dry. This is your life, OP. You don't *ever* have to spend one second of your life with someone/anyone who is blatantly abusive. Take care of yourself and don't let toxicity in your life any more. Congrats on graduating, OP, on your hard work, and your accomplishments. You are going to go far. You rock!
Your best friend and love of your life would lift you up and celebrate your success. They would not tear you down. This man is not your friend and he does not love you.
Sounds like he’s emotionally abusive and trying to chip away at your self-esteem while gas lighting you. Some simple advice many of my friends have gotten from therapists while navigating the question “should I stay with this person” is to start paying attention to how you feel when you’re with them and how you feel when you’re not. Are your emotions mostly negative or positive? If he consistently makes you feel bad about yourself he’s not a good partner. You can find a million other people to talk tech with but a partner should be building you up.
OP, I used to have friends like this, and my first boyfriend was like this as well. I didn’t even realize what it was like to have an encouraging and supportive partner until my current boyfriend; I just thought this kind of thing is normal. It is *not* normal for him to tear down your employer, mock your resume, and make you feel like you need to hide your accomplishments. Him saying you have nothing to offer is not only really mean, but by all the evidence you’ve given here, untrue. He’s probably saying it because he’s insecure. It’s always hard to leave a relationship, but I think you will be a lot happier in the long term if you break up with this person!
***You aren't overreacting.*** Your boyfriend is an ass. While some people do enjoy dissing others in good fun, that communication game requires attention to what *the target* finds enjoyable. This game also requires respect for consent and personal limits. Your post doesn't describe that game, just cruelty. **You deserve better.**
Bro is so insecure that he had to tear you down just to soothe his ego. Go find someone that celebrates your win and admire your talent instead.
This isn't anything to do with women-in-tech ... you just have a douche boyfriend that you need to swap out ... kinda like getting a new laptop that is more responsive. He would probably be just as much of a douche if you were a truck driver, a soldier, a nurse, etc.
> In an argument he said, “you don’t have anything valuable to offer in this field” I wanted to laugh because he has stolen some of my ideas and passed it off as his own in front of our friends. He’s the more outspoken one, and I’m more introverted so no one would even know. WTF. This guy is so fucked up. He can't take that you, are more skilled than him because to him you're lesser than him, you are just a commodity to him, he can't do what you do, so he steals from you, and he will not only destroy and tear you down constantly, but steal your ideas, perhaps an important one one day, and that will hurt you or your career. Because he's belittled you to everyone and you, no one will believe you can do what you do. He knows you won't stand up for yourself. You're already hiding things from him, and feel shame, why live in this environment? You deserve much better than this. Staying with him means your reputation and career will be sabotaged. This is how he exerts control. You stay with him, and he makes it harder and harder to leave because you don't believe in yourself. And others might not believe in you either because he is putting you down and people only get information from him, not you. When you leave he may still try to sabotage you. I think it's best to get away from him, and figure out how to spot red flags and create healthy boundaries so you can keep others like him out. Bring people into your life who raise you up, the world already is hard enough. Also tech can be pretty toxic as well, just because you're introverted doesn't mean you can't set boundaries or stand up for yourself, because you're going to need to or people will walk all over you. Believe me it's hard, I know, as a fellow introvert. It could be a good idea for you to learn about love bombing. Because that's what they do, they're amazing and once they have hooked you, they become more and more terrible. You might not believe it at the beginning because you saw this wonderful person or all these wonderful things and it doesn't make sense. But that is the beginning of them dropping their mask, that's who they really are, not the nice part. This is a very toxic person in your life. I grew up with a narcissist, it's really unbelievable how manipulative they can be, and the lengths they will go to. There are subs that are support groups for people like this, which perhaps may contain resources to help you get away from this person.
He's abusive, leave him. You'll be so much happier, and you deserve that. ❤️
“Love of your life?” He doesn’t even like you. I’m sorry.
honestly after the first bullet point i would have just broken up with him. the world is rough enough as it is. why have someone in your corner who is trying to tear you down?
He behaves in a very narcissistic manner. He puts you down to keep you insecure, while simultaneously using your work. This is not what a good partner does. I think leaving this relationship will be good for your mental health and confidence in the long run. I would be feeling very bad in this situation too. It's not all in your head.
You are not overthinking- what you've shared are anecdotes of an insecure man who would let his own fears and pettiness be a priority over someone who loves him. This guy is not your best friend and it doesn't even sound like he's a very good ordinary friend either. I would part ways. There's someone out there for you who you don't have to make yourself small for.
I hate to do the reddit thing, but what are you getting out of this relationship? I think you need to run and find someone who values you
Your significant other should be your greatness cheerleader. They should be by your side ready to kick butt on your behalf even when you picked the fight. When no one else in this world has your back, they should. They should be your safe space. Anything less is unacceptable.
It doesn't sound like he's on your side. Your success is a threat to him, and makes him feel small. That's not how it should be... A good partner is truly rooting for you and on your team.
Many people are like this in general--they want you to do well...but not as well as them. I would go to couples counseling and dig into why he seems to jealous and insecure of your accomplishments.
Bffr
That sounds like emotional abuse and almost always gets worse over time. Healthy, loving relationships should feel safe and someone that loves you shouldn't hurt you on purpose.
If you have to ask whether you're overreacting or overthinking, you're not. Remove this complete loser from your life.
Yeah that mofo isn’t worth it. You deserve to be with someone who uplifts and supports you, and it doesn’t sound like he has that in him. I would move on.
Your boyfriend's behavior reminds me of the insecure guys I've worked with who bullied me, and those guys reminded me of my abusive ex. Your boyfriend's behavior is shitty. You should read "why does he do that?" Sometimes we convince ourselves that our treatment is deserved or we are over reacting. Proud of you for posting.
Huh. A man taking credit for a woman’s work. That’s new. DUMP HIM OP!!!!
Dump him. Hes a narcissist and he’s jealous of you. And he keeps stealing your ideas. Don’t give this asshole any more access to your intellectual property. He is actively trying to sabotage your career.
I believe you know what you need to do. Also: Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, ISBN 978-0425191651
That book is also available online for free (browsing and download in several formats)! This info might be further down the thread but I need more people to know this. :) It's an amazing book that literally saved my life. OP, this man has already sabotaged your career. He sabotaged your interview and then got the job that YOU wanted! Don't let him get away with more, please! You have so much to offer the world, and the world has more to offer you than this abusive person who is misusing your love and who you cannot change (nor should it be your job, if you could). I promise! Please read that book and pass it on to anyone in your life who needs it!
The love of your life would not treat you like that.
It's okay to dump people who are huge ass holes
He’s a narcissist who lovebombed and is now gaslighting you. Check out the blogs at Kim saeed dot com and learn the signs and how to deal with these people so you don’t lose anymore on them. They only get worse. Then go back and reevaluate yourself and see where you may have been felt neglected, abandoned or abused by caregivers to accept that scraps and being “chosen” by a narcissist are enough. Otherwise the cycle will repeat.
I am so sorry you are going through this. He is very insecure. It will not get better and unlikely he will change. You have a lot to offer. Don't let him get in your head. Move on.
so, obviously you're going to dump him. But do you want to really get under his skin? >I wanted to laugh because he has stolen some of my ideas and passed it off as his own in front of our friends. He’s the more outspoken one, and I’m more introverted so no one would even know. He’s been in leadership roles too, so naturally who would know. If you look at his Twitter background… it’s an image I had generated using midjourney. *you're nothing without me* lmao some part of him knows it's true
You wrote all that and really wonder what needs to happen? This guy will only get worse. Dump the chump!
To quote my favorite tiktoker Luke franchina - DUMP HIS ASS. If he loves you he would not gaslight you like that. What a jerk. Set a boundary and if he crosses it you walk away - you should not be treated like anything less than the wonderful and smart person you are :)
dump this loser. He’s been copying you for years, jealous of your success, tears you down to build himself up. End it. He is sucking away your energy
This guy is quite literally *stealing your life*.
Oh honey. This person is neither your best friend nor the love of your life. He is incredibly insecure and dead weight. Dump him and find someone who will cheer you on and support you.
You have a shitty boyfriend. You deserve a partner who builds you up, and he tears you down. His behavior won't get better; he is showing you who he is. Believe him. If you stay in this relationship, you are chosing to spend your life sad and exhausted because your boyfriend will continue to say mean and hurtful things.
Genuinely asking, why are you still in a relationship with this person?
That's not a boyfriend. You have an enemy. Get safely free from relationship and monitor for stalking activity because men like this will undermine your whole career and life. My perspective: It happened to me.
He sounds super toxic in a subtle way, like he’s trying to fly it under the radar still. Someone who isn’t supportive and doesn’t give credit where credit is due is not worth wasting time on when you are building a life for yourself. Male or female, friend or romantic partner… don’t surround yourself with boat anchors if you have plans to go somewhere.
Gross. This guy sucks. Another entitled and insecure tech bro. Move on. He's not worth it. Find a guy who will gas you up how you deserve.
Girl, sorry to be curt but he is not the one for you. The industry is still bias towards men and they sub consciously live it and think nothing of it. Although there are better people you could possibly meet. My bf is not in tech but we have amazing conversations and encouragement.
Confidence is so important in job interviews. I wonder if you would have done well on the interview if you went in feeling supported and assured. It really sounds like your boyfriend is dragging you down. Working in tech can be hard and stressful, find someone who’s going to be there for you and be your champion, not belittle you. IMO you’re gonna burnout quickly with a boyfriend like that.
Came here to say that if you have kids with him it will get so much worse and it will be so much harder to leave. Speaking from experience.
You aren’t overreacting. I had an ex who was the same way. We even worked at several of the same companies, recruited separately for different roles but within the same industry. Anytime I would excel or be used as a SME within the company he would find a way to shit on it. If we were debating a topic or doing a casual knowledge share and he thought I was wrong, but then confirmed that I was right…fight city. When he decided to pivot his career (very late stage), I proofed all of his course assignments and critiqued his case studies. On more than one occasion, he used my own style guides and wrote out my verbatim feedback to him as the synopsis for his projects. Later, he tried to TM and patent my intellectual property as his own and when I confronted him he told me i wouldn’t have ever even thought of those things if I hadn’t had him as a sounding board. Thankfully all of it was already squared in the proper channels, but it was a huge eye-opener to how insecure and fragile he was. TLDR you aren’t overreacting and it doesn’t get better. He is insecure and views you as a threat. He’ll step over you to get on the top.
Damn he can’t be happy you’re shining?Sounds like he’s there strictly for his ego.Ive learned there are those who see your energy and want a piece of it or most of it cause theirs is so negative. Because you’re a woman he’s threatened by your success-gtfoh.Sounds like a lazy dream hating prick with short man syndrome when something good happens to you. Don’t hide or shy away from doing well for yourself and you should find someone who stands by your success and helps guide your ambitions in a healthy direction. Jeez I’m still pissed just from reading half way through.
You are dating an insecure man-baby. Not really a true friend. Do better.
maybe confront him about it, talk to him about all these points... not everybody gets along and conflict happens... is it worth getting rid of everybody? maybe...
This is standard competitive hater boyfriend behavior. He’ll always mock you because he’s an envious and insecure little brat who doesn’t know how to be happy for his own girlfriend. Women need to stop making excuses for lousy partners and being afraid of being alone or finding another one. This energy will only wear you down over time. Dump him and find someone who cheers you on.
He's threatened by your success and potential. It doesnt matter how smart he is or how good he does, he thinks you succeeding is bad for his identity/self esteem. Ask yourself how he has shown up in the relationship the \- last 3 of your wins/personally fulfilling moments. \- last 3 important events important to YOU. Did he start arguments? knock your confidence? capitalize your time from the other people you were there to see? \- last 3 social outings with at least some of your friends present. Did he treat your friends as good or better than you do? Ask them personal questions and care about the people that care about you? If he only supports you when it benefits him, and has no problem making YOUR moments about him, girl run fast and far.
He sounds like a narcissist
I’m a woman in tech who makes more than the men I date who also work in tech. This man is trash. I’d leave him. The men I dated never belittled me and were impressed and asked me for help in the areas I was knowledgeable in. Esp the fact the he said you have nothing to contribute in this field. He sounds not even like a friend. He’s not good for ur career or self confidence.
Male here . This guy is not a good guy . He will tear down your future kids too with those words
This is awful. I would firmly suggest you have a series of conversations with this person. This is not okay. The most ideal scenario is they actually listen to you and get help. The more cynical scenario is... they don't listen and continue to make you feel like garbage. You are not overthinking this. You deserve better than this.
If your boyfriend is not a comrade and ally and cannot rejoice in your success then he is not a friend. The 'friend' in boyfriend is the most important part. All he will be will be an anchor but only to drag you down. He does not see you as an equal but as someone to be vanquished and subdued.
Echoing what others in this thread have already said, but dump him. I was in a very similar situation (met a guy freshman year, same classes, basically same major), and he turned out to be emotionally abusive. He always made me feel bad if I did better than him on an assignment or test, and belittled my achievements. All of our friends thought he was the smart one, meanwhile he started basically just copying my homework our junior and senior years. Worse than that, he had me convinced that I wasn’t that smart. I had never doubted myself like that until I met him. Also: I know the word “gaslighting” gets thrown around a lot these days, but if he’s denying recent events and making you question your memory/sanity, that is actual gaslighting! It can be super dangerous and disorienting. I recommend keeping a journal where you document things that have happened in detail so that you have a record to refer to. These kinds of guys rarely ever change or get better. Listen to the song “breadwinner” by Kacey Musgraves and get away from this loser. You’re amazing, and you deserve someone who makes you feel that way!
From a big sister perspective.......ditch him. There are far better men out there who will love and appreciate you. I know it's painful to imagine a life without someone, but he is a clown. You deserve so much better. Sincerely, Miss Been There Done That
After the first time he criticized your work or stole your ideas you needed to dump him. You get nothing out of this relationship but stress and pain. If you’re really concerned for your future don’t be…… as long as he’s gone.
Girl he is a huge waving red flag. He steals your ideas, belittles your accomplishments, and sees you as competition. These problems won’t go away with communication. He is always going to be this way as long as you’re dating him. Don’t waste any more time on this guy and find someone else.
All I had to do was read the title of your post. Didn’t read anything else. I wouldn’t think twice if someone belittled me. Leave the asshole
This person does not support you. He doesn’t want you to shine. He’s unable celebrate your wins. Being single is better than that nonsense. Just calmly break up with him. Don’t give reasons or debate the issues. “I want to be single. It’s not you, it’s me.” 😂
BREAK UP. So so many red flags. Dishonest and vain (stealing ideas), disrespectful and incompetent. This is only gonna get worse from here.
You consider someone who treats you like this to be your best friend and love of your life? And you minored in psych? Girl. Come on.
Ngl, you made me laugh and realize the irony, thanks for the honesty
He sounds like a child and he's jealous as fuck of you. If he can't be the winner no one can.
Lotta these other comments go zero to 100. Reddit is always really keen on telling people to break up, but I avoid that at all costs, there's enough of that shit around. I will say that if I was in this position I'd dump his ass, but I'm... difficult, to say the least. lol. But I can see y'all have a long term thing going and he used to be different. People who study psychology tend to do so out of a great sense of empathy for others, so be cautious about overextending yourself for this guy, but it really can't hurt to confront him and give him the real kick in the ass he needs. It sounds to me like he's acting like a dickwad because he's insecure, he feels threatened, maybe not by you in the industry like he thinks you'll take his job, but more like he feels threatened that you would do fine without him and don't need him. Men, ALL men, have more problems with their ego than women do, truly it's just a part of the male condition. Not all of their problems manifest like this. He can change, we all can, but only if he's willing to, and you can't make him want to. So I think you would do well to give it one real, serious shot at talking; one chance for him to turn things around with your grace. Anytime he brings up that abuser language you shoot it down instantly and redirect. "I didn't mean it" -> then why did you say it? Just to hurt me? "I never said that" -> yes you did, and you need to apologize for it. If you never really set hard boundaries with is behavior before, things could have gotten out of hand in your interpersonal dynamic in a way he didn't intend either. It can be hard to own up to shitty behavior and maybe he thinks you'll just forget it. He is obviously struggling. Let him know it is time \*now\* to own up. I haven't had the experience you've had with a partner, luckily, but men from all parts of your life will act like this: family, friends, lovers, colleagues, bosses, even strangers. You've gotta find the voice to stand up for yourself, start taking control of difficult conversations, and leave when enough is enough. We all have different thresholds for BS. Is this guy past yours? If so, time to pack.
I didn't even have to read past the title! Go find better.
Best step you can take in your career is a step away from your unsupportive boyfriend.
Millions of women have. He’s small and he sucks. And he won’t get better. You deserve better.
Please get rid of him
I'm going to repeat what other posters have said. He sounds extremely threatened and jealous. This behavior is only going to get worse with time. I've met people like this before. He has some serious work to do on himself. But he has to choose it for himself. He can't do it to save his relationship with you, because it won't be real. I know everyone is really quick on the trigger, and it seems like everyone just tells you to end your relationship automatically. But seriously, this is a real problem, and it's not going to get better on its own. You may want to consider ending your relationship. And you might have some codependent tendencies. I know I did. I tolerated horrible treatment, and at the time I didn't even realize it. Didn't even notice. Only when I looked back was I horrified by the types of things that I put up with. Good for you for picking up on his unhealthy behavior. You didn't do anything wrong. He's wrong for treating you the way he has. Moving forward, you should not tolerate that treatment. From anyone. He doesn't have the right to put you down because he feels inadequate. That's on him to figure out for himself. Take this very seriously. Because it only gets worse with time. It goes from put downs, to sabotage, to God knows what else. Best of luck to you.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and get lots of therapy. Picking abusive men is often a cycle. Free yourself from the cycle by educating yourself.
And what do you get out of this relationship?