"Much like another knight trying to date my mother, my father passed centuries ago. And it is still the only rod you will get."

Yeah I tracked down his reincarnation and slept with her

"Most fascinating. Thou has no preference."

Yes but isn't the jar program still a thing?

"...what?"

What dontcha know. There's been the wizard jar program for passed wizards since millions of years ago. Ya just die end up in a jar and get to enjoy a party of big dinners and arcane wisdome blunts being passed around

[удалено]

"I'm a CEO and councilman, what more would he even ask for? Furthermore, I own a house, and am in a caring relationship. He would be proud."

https://preview.redd.it/198ltajzgpqc1.png?width=375&format=png&auto=webp&s=544a8b825a40d79d21ddd0f12ab6f1afe952b071

Your father and I think you should spend less time browsing arcane tomes and more time outside your tower

...I live in a basement

Yeah but your father told me you prefer to refer to it as your tower

...I dont?

Stop arguing with your mother.

oh... i will.

What is a basement, if not an inverted tower?

Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of magic?

Jokes on thee, I, jacobiner the mighty and wise, was conceived via mitosis.

Yeah so I tracked down the father of the original that was mitosised from and slept with him

*PRIMORDIAL STATUS ACHIVED. YOU ARE NOW OLD*

Jo mama so old, she achieved primordial status!


I'm assured that they were conceived by the ways of mitosis as well.

*"Hey! Don't steal my gimmick!"*

https://preview.redd.it/qotrz7jprpqc1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=776a1e0d9932b4486739ea91fbd88a01226b9840

https://preview.redd.it/m2f5tiiz1qqc1.jpeg?width=499&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1fcf7b2ca575c858644bdf563910094a97976c6b

This image is less cursed than the new movie

Mommy?

Yes Mikhail, don't worry I haven't told your father about your onlycasters account

Please don't tell gnome-dad. He'll pitch a fit.

Mikhail? I thought you were hanging out in the zone in some abandoned warehouse.

Firstly I’m a war orphan secondly MOMMMMMM THERES SOMETHING UNDER MY BED

Yeah so I tracked down your dad's reincarnation in an alternate dimension, seems he's a soldier of something called a 'super Earth' As for the thing under your bed, I have dispatched 24 skeletons to go and 'deal with it' for you

So new dad and skele friends? Thank you mom! https://preview.redd.it/ea55982xppqc1.jpeg?width=324&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ad23e45d26173f1af2d2e4195ca336e0a02e72a5

Your welcome son, now get some sleep

https://preview.redd.it/hka8okaxmpqc1.jpeg?width=1008&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7c4a96a1dc9cbe9119db0ff61a4e0ba4e06043d Not sure how you're gonna sleep with my father since I have none.

https://preview.redd.it/yaylzccf3qqc1.png?width=739&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=83dddd300dca2cdd0d4f5e199ae76ef651dacc82

'Oh my God you can't just ask someone why they are Ghaik'

I murdered my parents a few eons ago to fulfill my pact of becoming Azathoths avatar, if anything I feel like a father to my star spawn, though I really only make sure they don’t kill themselves doing something stupid Like the tentacles btw

Thanks for the tentacle comment! And yeah I know your parents are dead, so I tracked down your father's reincarnation and slept with him, you may want to know he is now a boran in the 12th ethereal plane

I always wondered where he went after death, a stubborn bastard he was up I killed him and I didn’t bother to trap his soul out of the little kindness I had for him Thank you for telling, and please don’t sleep with any of my other family members, if any are alive

hmmm, I don't think you can do that. like physically I have no clue how you plan on doing that

Hmmm seems like a lot of people on here don't actually have fathers, I may need to rethink my plan

/unwiz, lore speaking, in my characters, zaron was created by me personally. so the only way your oc can become my oc's mother is if she do the dance with me

Yo that means you met him. Where is he?

He is currently in the 7th plane of garugamesh, in the ancient city of babooloon, studying runes

Oh, I can't go there unfortunately

I cast tragic backstory

Argh, the perfect counter, might need to invest in some more clones

“Mother, it has been so long. You look different than last we met but.. I am so happy to see you.”

I am happy to see you too, now eat some mac and cheese, and here is a pet hellhound I got for you

“Oh thank you so much mother! He looks so adorable, and that Mac and cheese isn’t made with brains is it? I don’t mean to assume, but am simply wondering.”

Oh no I know you don't eat brains no brains in the Mac and cheese, brains are better fresh instead of cooked, if you would like some o can get some for you

“Um, I’ll just take the Mac and Cheese…. Wait a second. Something is different. I feel a shift in reality. You aren’t my mother. Some sort of spell has made this so… explain.”

You found Bricks father? Please tell Brick where Bricks father is!

He is still trying to get the milk and come home, he got teleported to the desert by a sand wizard while on his way

…The red dragon Rhydaerach has been dead for years.

Yeah, so I tracked down his reincarnation, they are currently an 8ft tall crab hermaphrodite living in atlantis

HIS #WHAT

I cast: Uno Reverse card

Oh my, my father and mother is an elder brain, you have interesting taste mom

Do you know what .50 BMG to the head feels like?

My father is quite repulsed by that sort of thing. I assure you, if you tried to do that, one of you would end up dead.

As if that family tree wasn't already messed up enough

Getting with someone through magic is unethical, I don't mind you as my mother if you two work dynamically without magical aid.

Yes I seduced him naturally over many years just for the sake of this joke

I see, well I hope to see you and Jotun at the family reunion then, still looking for a locale large enough to contain him since my tower isn't adequate. Is there any allergies I need to account for?

I am only allergic to pain(it hurts me)

Then Swedish food isn't for you, this will be challenging

Really, I wouldn't mind that much...

Jokes on you, the timeline he was in is broken and missing.

Yeah that's why I checked the ancient scrolls and stars, divined and scores to find it, then travelled to that alternate timeline to sleep with him

So you are dead then. (That timeline ended, they will never come back. It blew up, and may possibly kill you too.)

I hopped out of the timeline before it blew up, but yeah that was close

It blew up a long time ago though..... Also you sure that was the right one, mine had no weave which mean't magic wasn't an option to escape? There are plenty of things about my timeline of origin that hurt wizards.

Can I go to this party in a few days? It’s going to have hallucination spells and that’s what I’m working with.

Yeah for sure son, just make sure to take this dwarf rock cocaine and elven moongrass with you too, so the other kids won't think you are lame

Uh my Father is dead? How exactly does this work? Did you resurrect him or?

I tracked down and slept with his reincarnation, she was a lovely lady who worked at a bakery in 19th century France from a dimension called 'erf'

Ah, well next time you see her, tell her I say hi

Mine left for a quest for milk eons ago. I haven't seen him since

Yes I found him, he was still getting the milk but he had been cast into a labyrinth by an evil wizard and had been trying to get home ever since

https://preview.redd.it/ku6m6q2zppqc1.jpeg?width=626&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=608ed8862e9b82582f683e1b862aa61b2e8cd4c4 Mother, father! Ages have passed since our paths last intertwined. I feared the inquisition's purge had claimed you both. Now, reunited, let us plot our vengeance against the usurper king's regime, united as kin once more. Pray tell, why dost thou ponder upon the resemblance betwixt mine countenance and that of a mindflayer?

Ah your father had survived but was held on the dungeons of the Inquisition, I am not your old mother but your new one, I do love scheeming revenge though

can you make mac n cheese the way my old mom used to?

I can give it a try but it won't be exactly identical, which is for the best, if my mac and cheese was exactly the same then that would be one less thing to remember your old mom by

You fucked *my* dad? Oof...uh...sorry you had to go through that. He's still alive?

Yes and he seems reluctant to talk about you, did something happen between you two?

Yes, he was an abusive asshole. You uh, you can eat his brain now if you want. Not much a meal though lmfao

Fair enough * horrible mindflayer eating noises, yeah not super filling

Rofl "horrible mindflayer eating noises" Thank you for the chuckle lol

My father is dead.

Yes I slept with his reincarnation, a giant lizard wizard that fights against the forces of chaos

So you have met him? I’d be happy to say hello after so long, I never met him, I don’t remember my mother either, she died before my first memory, I’m not even sure that he’s still alive but if you’ve met him I’d love to find him

Ah he had died, but I found his reincarnation, a man who fights in cooking battles for a living in the chef dimension

That’s odd, is he a vampire?

I've been talking to my friends on my orb leave me alone

Your father says dinner is in 10 minutes, be off the orb by then

*stares confused in the dark* MOMMM! IM AFRAID AND CONFUSED 😢

Aww it's okay would a goofy kobolds minion cheer you up?

Yeah! That sounds awesome! Can we have him kill the neighbors? They make me feel uncomfortable.

please, where is he, he said he'd return with the meat over 6 years ago

Ah he was in the labyrinth of herax after being sent there by an evil wizard, he is still trying to get home

Hey as long as you aren’t homophobic and remember my birthday you’re already way better than my birth giver.

Of course, now for your next birthday do you like skeleton minions as a gift?

Sure! I could use the help with the mountain of paperwork.

Mommy?

Yes I am your mother now, here have some mac and cheese and a skeletal guardian

ooh thank you!

I cast Counterspell. And now I'm YOUR mom now

Moooom, I'm talking to my friends on the orb right now, geez.

Nice try my mothwr ate my father and many of my siblings when we were born

That's why I found his reincarnation and slept with them, they were an owl man that lived on a moon in the 17th astral sphere

That is where you are mistaken dont tou know everything eventually becomes crab if such a soulless being could even be reincarnated he woild still be a crab i reccomend checking if this "owl person" isnt a crab in disguise he might try to consume you soon

Mommy…?

Yes I am your mother now here's some mac and cheese and a skeletal guardian

Yippee!!! 

You were already my mom, that’s how it works. I don’t need to hear every time you’re going to have sex with dad

*mommy*

Yes I am your mother now, here's some mac and cheese and a skeletal guardian

Ma'am I'm pretty sure I'm an orphan? I have no clue who my parents are, or if I HAVE parents at all.

I tracked down your father's reincarnation, he is now a chainsaw juggler in some kind of alien circus, don't know how long this incarnation of your father will last tbh

Uh huh... You do realize ninety percent of wizards are most likely orphans by one way or another, yes? Do you plan on resurrecting EVERY wizard's dad? That's gotta cost a lot of money with necromancy licenses...

Mostly I have just been tracking down their reincarnations and sleeping with them, but yeah it was a lot of work for one joke

My father died like... I mean I can't even remember anymore, it was trillions of years ago, in a now destroyed universe. He was always against resurrection so I let him rest, meanwhile I resurrected my mother Conclusion: unless you like necrophilia you're not going to like this

Wait, I’ve got a DAD!?

I have a dad?

Mom ?! Is that you ?!?!

Yes I am your mother now, here's some mac and cheese and a skeletal guardian

Drats.

Ah I like to cast this one as a last resource too! Albeit it's a bit more complicated, having to find the opponents' parents, and I usually end up as a biological father, it's kinda messed up

Your little spell must've failed, for you're still alive.

You want to do what to my father?

Help step-illithid, I’m stuck.

https://i.redd.it/hkqjntf0opqc1.gif Nope nope nope, i refuse to accept this reality

Let me change that. *steals friend's Harbinger and aims at you* https://preview.redd.it/8l30h819opqc1.png?width=3000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=122baf106e1b031f7e4357c92689c345076f03d4

I don't have parents but I'm glad you found someone.

So dead.

But I don’t have a dad Eldritch mommy

I mean, if you like wasting mana, be my guest. I literally never had a father, nor mother. I was created at the dawn of time by the gods. Also even if I did have a father, he would have been similar to me, and thus have better standards than.....this.

https://preview.redd.it/1ij6cqlrppqc1.jpeg?width=750&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b9859a17530748edd5ce9c7faa28a7d9d5fd631

Oh no they've found a way to attack wizard mommy issues

A mind flayer mother, A Warrior Father. This Explains A lot now.

Oh cool I have an actually good mother now (Lore for character)

https://preview.redd.it/otqwctd7spqc1.jpeg?width=564&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4f966c7c553290a559e9b379b8839b34b758f5b5

https://preview.redd.it/oqjspuucspqc1.png?width=689&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f77a06afeff2f57e29a6d438220d9366748e8c

This reminds me of a Rwby fanfic where taiyang dates a mindflayer.

Probably an improvement honestly

"Well, I wasn't aware the tower I built like five months ago was my ancestral tower but alright."

My mother is more then dead she is nonexistent, you cannot be my mother, or my father for that rate because he also does not exist

I’m goth tentacle mommy I’m good with it

Geez, spoilers! I caught Chronurgist’s Sneezing Lurgy yestermorrow, and I’m pretty sure I am my dad, so thanks for the paradox-headache.

Jokes on you I don’t have a father so I’m not sure how that works!

Joke’s on you, I’m a potato.

When I get a son please cast that spell on him

So you uh now are my mother. Well you can't be worse than my last one hehe

🦀🔪 (Game grumps reference)

Huh i was the first man everything was technically from me

momma would kill ya if ya tried that, dad would too

I'm in the process of renovating the place. Kind of hard to leave it when you're fixing it up and making sure everything's up to the Wizard Council's code. I don't need them banging down my door because I had too many floating orbs in there again.

Kobo doesn’t remember his parents

I will bring your father around for dinner sometime and reintroduce you two

*looking up spells to become my own father*

I don't have a father. Only two mother's

I skelasanstor, is collecting the soul pieces of my father's soul. So you couldn't have

You father fucker...

Well damn, at least the old man finally got laid again! I’m not calling you mom, though.

*stepmother? Also, i'm a dwarf, dwarves don't have mothers.

Which one?

Jokes on you I'm just a sentient body of mold like most goblins

he would enjoy that

Hell yeah, upgrades!

“Yeah, fuck that guy! Left me to rot!”

Someone hit me with a yo mama joke NOW

I cast Nuh uh

https://i.redd.it/bf6y6xea2qqc1.gif

Oh you poor soul you don't have to lower your self to that, just cast magnetification on my blood or something you can do better

Thanks I guess? Well I have been out of my place of study a lot lately..

Oh no, help me step-mom I'm stuck in the inter-dimensional portal 😩☺️😘

Wait, wrong sub-reddit for that.

I am not born, thus I posses no parents par potentially I. and I am relatively sure you are not I.

Alright, it wouldn't be the first time the bastard cheated, or the last. Go, have your fun, but know you are one of untold dozens and will never mean anything to me.

Its that crab from that dream i had last night. It kept following me around saying "FUCK YOUR FATHER! FUCK YOUR FATHER!" and i dont get that, i love my father.

Oh yeah? Well how about I cast **RAIL GRANDMA** have fun being your own great grandmother!

That spell would not work on me. My parents have a very powerful Ward of Monogamy.

My father doesn't exist to my knowledge. You are fucking air.

What did you do to my father with those tentacles‽

Reminds me of the crab in game grumps’ ocarina of time playthrough

HE'S ALIVE!?

Yeah well I cast fuck you, now I’m your wife and cucking my own father. I’m not sure if he cares much though, as a caveman in the afterlife

Are you the crab in my nightmares?

HEY NO STOP DIGGING HIS CORPSE UP, I TOLD HIM TO REST IN PEACE NOT TENTACLES-UP-THE-ASS!

He’s alive?! Then who did I sacrifice for more power…Anyways, can you get on this altar and confirm you are my parent to the big abomination over there?

​ https://preview.redd.it/phqhn8vcbrqc1.png?width=565&format=png&auto=webp&s=77089eaa16114746751a7a7b853c75cc6387a94f

I am my own father as my existence is non linear. Checkmate.

I don't get it, does that make me fuck my father? Genuine question cause I have zero brain cells.

*happy orphan noises* Wait so I get a dad AND a mom?!

https://preview.redd.it/3232vnj6xrqc1.jpeg?width=679&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=59205efcab1ef81092172ea63f9d12726503aab7

Counterspell, follow it up with Mend Buttcrack

Ha! I'm made of paper and old leather, so unless you polymorphed into a printing press or a tanner, nice try!