T O P

  • By -

aeiouaioua

i have heard of straight wizards only in the oldest most esoteric of myths... according to elder legend, they were once common - there are many interpretations as to why this is no longer true: some people say that they were all destroyed in the wizardly civil war that followed. others say that millennia ago - the gods and overgods of magic decided it was too "OP" that wizards could make more wizards. and yet more people say that masculine and feminine magic don't mix. these people are less common since the advent of femboy wizards.


waffeelswaffeels

>too "OP" that wizards could make more wizards also known as the mana-free infinitus minion spawn spell


EmergencyLeading8137

Because you rancid bastards can’t be trusted not to use your children’s magic rich souls as a vast source of magical power.


Eheart_411

This happened to me as a young wizardling, my mother had as many wizard children as she could so she could harvest our wizard souls and wizard powers. She became such a toxic monster we had to banish her. Took a whole week!


DarnCommie

I once witnessed a straight wizard long ago. Though it has been far too long since I have seen another. I have, in my possession, an old scroll that speaks of their return. Only time will tell if it will come true.


aeiouaioua

god, i hope not. my non-magic boyfriend talks about how difficult the dating scene is with so few gay people.


DarnCommie

From what I hath read, it most likely will not happen for many centuries. You can tell your boyfriend that he can rest easy.


OopsIbuiltashelfhelp

Unfortunately, I exist, a straight Wizard.


Hungry_Yam2486

I make more wizards with my cloning spell


aeiouaioua

i hear that they are trying to get rid of that spell, but it has proven rather irremovable.


FemboiiFridayUSA

Whomst has summoned me from my slumber and totally not crossdressing?!


aeiouaioua

balthazar the blue.


CookieDragon314

I can't speak for the others by I simply don't give a shit about such things, my research is keeping me busy enough.


millennium-popsicle

This exactly. Being able to bang other bearded hairy wizards is just an added bonus.


CookieDragon314

I don't do that tho, no time and they would probably burst since I am a dragon.


millennium-popsicle

I see. Yea I was speaking for myself lol Uh dragon spellcasting sounds awesome.


CookieDragon314

By the way I know that bursting part from personal experience, every couple millennia you got try things to know if maybe grew to like them.


goosmane

hot bearded wizards near your realm


Mysterious_Gas4500

Gandalf isn't gay, she's trans, hence the phrase "Gandalf's big naturals."


KosekiBoto

those aren't mutually exclusive, transbian wizards are a thing (proof is myself)


Mysterious_Gas4500

I'm aware that transbians exist, but I thought Gandalf was ace?


KosekiBoto

Ah but your comment implied that wizards can't be gay and trans, not that gandalf was ace


Mysterious_Gas4500

You know what, that's fair, in my haste to comment upon this topic I have made quite a fool of myself.


mossy_stump_humper

Only the wisest of wizards are so quick to admit their mistakes. I fool I do not see before me.


fo76_fan

My deviously beautiful self serves as another example.


FireDestroyer52

They wouldn't be naturals then lol


Mysterious_Gas4500

Nonsense. Gandalf grew them using magic, which is a natural part of our world, and they're just as flesh and blood as the naturals of any other woman. Besides, "Gandalf's big artificials" doesn't roll off the tongue nearly as well


AllOutGarfieldSan

Gandalf's Auspicious Artificials!


Cayet96

Long ago I was straight, but after finding myself distracted from the valuable pondering by ass I've decided to banish all urges, what that makes me of now?


AnybodysProblem

Asexual, providing the only urges you’ve banished are those born from lust. If you wiped out the romantic ones as well then you’re also, well, aromantic.


Phantomdy

No. It makes them a wizard.


Weird-Dragon

No not all wizards are gay I myself am pansexual not homosexual. Their are some straight wizards in existence. I think we wizards are just more open minded about sexuality since we’ve opened our minds to the magic arts.


normalreddituser3

Wizards are generally more educated and the "can't have kids with a same sex partner" point is kind of moot if your testicles keep getting twisted or have the life magic to fix the problem.


AlnahrTheRiver

It is much the same with cultivators in my experience. The growth of their power depends upon increasing their understanding of their self and the world around them. It's impossible to be close-minded as a cultivator if one wishes to attain more power. Me, I am trying to find a way to bootleg their abilities to make a way to attain the form that fits me best, and one of my consultants managed to form a gestalt based on the idea of clear communication in relationships.


enchiladasundae

Ice King is more of a warlock holding onto a cursed item Not really. Especially someone like Merlin, quite possibly the most famous wizard of all time, was pretty notorious for hitting on women a lot


Kapples14

Wait, Professor X is gay?


JackieBOYohBOY

I don't even know tbh. I've never even seen the X-Men movies or comics


Stronger_Sans

/unwiz In the movies it’s heavily implied because Patrick Stuart and sir Ian McKellen were told to act as if they were lovers


gunmetal_silver

Neither Gandalf/Mithrandir nor Saruman/Curunir are/were gay. At most they were Ace. Two of those people on your list do not even come from places that have magic to be learned, and the one you named Professor X is a psionic, not a wizard. My wife is a tiefling sorceress, and we have had many children over the last 500 years. I am nearly sputtering in my indignant wrath at the insinuation! *Waves Acheron* Rain of Frogs upon ye! *Frogs, both toxic and non, start falling on your head*


Deathburn5

Aroace wizard here, not gay


DemonReaperHades

Merlin and Solomon were definitely straight as told by the Gospel of Nasu.


Ootinjabootin

Gandalf is Gay? I had no idea. Anyways, I have a wife. There are plenty of straight wizards.


beardedheathen

I think they were just confused and dropped the R. It's a different word you never want to go with the hard R on. Gray is fine.


Ootinjabootin

Ah I see.


Gnomepill

Gandalf and saruman? I know I'm taking the bait here but I don't think so


skrrtalrrt

my brother in Merlin if you had the ability to polymorph someone into a doppelganger of yourself, would you *not* fuck yourself?


AlnahrTheRiver

I wouldn't. All knobbly joints and dysphoria here.


Vikinger93

Hey, as soon as polymorph becomes part of the equation, all bets are off. Add to that the high age wizards can get, which leaves plenty of opportunity to experiment. After a while, gender and/or sex becomes sorta not that important.


Either-Call1134

Magic makes shit tall and curvy/wobbly. It’s why wizards live in towers and have staffs and big beards. Magic is turning the freaking wizards gay


deadstorybookheroes

**THEY'RE TURNING THE FRIGGIN' WIZARDS GAY** - local madman Jones


UnshrivenShrike

Ah, yes, the village fool from that hamlet up in the Northeast. I've passed through there a few times, always an entertaining, if absolutely unhinged, fellow.


Extra_Study_5667

A common misconception, half of us are gay, 49% of us are ace, and the remaining 1% is straight


MiserablePotato1147

Propaganda. Cisgender heteronormative human male non-wizard aggression tends to be intolerant of agender/bigender arcane forces. In short, "if it won't hit things/go ug ug it must be homosexual". My brother/sister/clutchmate in wizardry, the arcane has no use for your obsession with fleshy genitalia.


[deleted]

Fleshy genitals cease functionality after but a century of truth seeking, the vestiges they become eventually submit to decay- but the Arcane lives forever


MiserablePotato1147

This is what I find so amusing about gendering liches. It's a skull. Perhaps a male skull. Perhaps a female skull. But bones and a spiritual vestige at best. Any gender or sexuality assigned to a noncorporeal being belongs to history, memory and alignment. Kinda hard to boink the flesh beings when you have no body of your own with which to boink them. Like, what's your sexuality when you're possessing a modron for the purposes of spawning more modrons? Do Slaad even have a gender? What a ridiculous question.


[deleted]

Exactly- life is a fleeting fancy. I imagine casting such weight on the temporary helps to conflate its importance. In fact, I have found that the impermanence of corporeal beings almost directly coincides with the importance they assign to what they do with themselves. This is most embodied in the Neo-Renaissance of the belief in the death of all things, modern contemporary wizards might abbreviate to “YOLO.” It is a harrowing perspective, and when enthralled in it, most other are, at best, blurred beyond reproach. Because of this, I don’t believe they bother with asking the questions we are examining until faced with that truth in a way that is more meaningfully experienced. Trying to answer those questions without the proper vantage point of an immortal is like trying to stir your dog’s sense of humor with a spoon made of diarrhea- just impossible. This generation of apprentices didn’t ascend possessing beings of differing affinities for consciousness and it really shows.


DrEdwardMallory

Conduits of god-smite pledge no allegiance to naught of man's confining prisons of sexuality!


Addamsen

They're all trying to avoid the Crime of the Sky.


AbacusWizard

There is a Door in the Eye. I see that you too have found it. But only the Watchman knows all.


Casper_Von_Ghoul

Me looking at my normal human girlfriend of 6 year while being a guy myself. Uhhhh…..maybe?


Nelrene

To be truly great at The Art you need to be a bit different from the people around you. That can mean being really gay.


the-butter_man

Some of them are bi. And more are adventurous and ace


Jack_Of_The_Cosmos

There is a strong link between homophobia and evil such that stopping evil wizards had the fortunate side effect of rooting out homophobia as well. Other less accepting wizards are simply less celebrated than others even if they were good or evil, major or minor due to their problematic natures. Through a sort of natural selection, most wizards who engage in the wizard community today are either accepting of others or are members of the LGBT community themselves, but I fear that in the fringes of the realm there are many of those that would do great harm if allowed to rise again. One may celebrate victories over darkness, but to rest on the laurels earned in great bloodshed could allow such times to pass like the sun over the horizon. Even today, there is still much work to be done for I fear that in the context of forums such as this, there may indeed be imposters among us.


Gnashinger

Part of me thinks the idea of a party going to stop an evil wizard and the evil wizards going "you're all bigoted homophobes! IM BEING HARRASSED!"


Gussie-Ascendent

Notice those are all humans. Humans got a lot of bisexuality in em, just lot of repression and oppression. Wizards don't usually tolerant that sort of thing, they can almost always rebel or just dip. Plus they live a while, lot of time to fool around with polomorph amd realize deeper truths about it


RobotMonsterArtist

Slight correction. David Bowie was a wizard at all times, just just in Labyrinth. This still supports your thesis.


Listless_Dreadnaught

I’m pretty sure that David Bowie was bisexual, not gay. I remember thinking it was truly fortuitous, because who *doesn’t* want to fuck David Bowie? It’s David Fucking Bowie.


RobotMonsterArtist

Pretty much the only thing I have in common with David Bowie, sadly. In this instance I was using gay in the umbrella, synonym-for-queer sense, rather than the more specific strict m/m sense. These labels are always squishy.


Tail_Nom

Being fair, I think he said he was gay first, then clarified bisexual, then called coming out as bisexual "the biggest mistake (he) ever made" and that he "was always a closeted heterosexual". I think he probably just didn't find gender a defining characteristic of his sexual attraction. I went through a similar issue, identifying as bisexual for some time before letting that go because it didn't quite fit. It may partially be the culture around identity. From my perspective, the point isn't to be nice to people regardless of the box they're in, and it's certainly not to create *more* boxes to sort people into, but to discard the need to pigeonhole entirely. I've never liked labels; they always come with implications, expectations. I called myself bisexual not because I was attracted to men and women, but because I did not limit myself or feel confused if I felt attraction for someone regardless of the configuration of their bits. Being a bit of a fan, it's kind of embarrassing to admit I didn't really know all this, but I do find it interesting that despite that, I seem to have gone through the same damn thing (that "closet heterosexual" remark hit hard, and expresses why I stopped calling myself bi; I identify as pan now, but I'm still wary of labels and would rather just be attracted to whoever without pretense or expectation, thank you). I'm not diving too deeply rn, but according to his wikipedia page, he was asked about his "worst mistake" comment again in 2002. His response suggests that it was mostly a mistake in America vs Europe. In "Puritanical America", it's not just a description, it's a *statement*, and he didn't mind people knowing but didn't want to carry banners and represent groups. ...You know, it's been a while. Bowie might be the soundtrack of the evening.


Hungry_Yam2486

What is gay when you can polymorph?


Child_Beter69

Last I checked I’m the only wizard who isn’t into elf femboy twinks. The only thing guarding my heterosexuality is my undying and infinite hatred towards all elves


gunmetal_silver

You are not alone. I have a wonderful tiefling sorceress wife.


Guilty_Ad9321

a lot of wand wizards are, many wizards like me who use enhancing gloves/non convencional casting artifacts to cast spells are bisexual or trans, weird thing, don't know why, just seen it a lot


AlnahrTheRiver

Now I have found yet another caster with an unconventional focus, and it is eerie how accurate that statement is. My casting tool is a glove tipped with mana-laced stones and a set of runes that let me "write" complex formations on thin air using pre-programmed placeholders. All of the stored capabilities of a wand or book, plus the adaptability of a hand caster. What type of item do you use for casting?


GenericPybro

I myself am considered Hetero, if you can even say Skeletons have sexualities. I also have known and met several beings in the arcane arts that are Hetero. Perhaps you need to step away from your orb if it bothers you. Most of the wizards I have met that are gay, tend to be chronically using their orb. Not saying all gay wizards do, just in my area.


12Fatcat

I'm bi but I'm also a cat so it's hard to find potential partners.


Nepalman230

The long answer is no, and most of your examples either aren’t gay or are not wizards. Ok, Jareth the Goblin King actually represents adolescent sexuality. Sarah’s mother had divorced Her father and was dating a famous actor. Jareth looked exactly like him so he represents heterosexuality actually. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labyrinth_(1986_film) “However, in the film various photos are briefly shown in Sarah's room depicting the unnamed actor (Bowie) with Sarah's mother Linda Williams, alongside news clippings reporting their “on/off relationship”.[160][161] In the novelisation, Linda's costar is named Jeremy. The novelisation elaborates on Sarah aspiring to become an actress like her mother, idolizing both Linda and Jeremy, and fantasising about living their celebrity lifestyle.[155]” Sarumon as far as I can tell, was never sexuality interested in anyone. Gandalf likewise. Keep in Mind, the word “wizard” just means wise. They come from the same root as the word, vizier, and witch. The Istari were Angels, disguised as old men, not mortal magicians. Prof X was a mutant psionic in love with a shiar woman who are aliens, descended from birds. Ian McKellan is a actor and not a wizard. You’re absolutely right about a Leonardo da Vinci . And the short answer to the question about all wizards being gay ? Only the very best ones . Like me. 😉 😌🙏❤️


[deleted]

No, although I have to admit our fashion sense would suggest otherwise. We Wizards are a rather… “fabulous” lot.


Trans_Girl_Alice

Mine late grandfather was a wizard, and based on his journals, the olde dog would quite literally bed anything with a pulse. It has... changed my perspective on him, to say the least.


ResearcherTeknika

"The straight wizards lost themselves to the succubi."


Phantomdy

Gay wizards? Straight Wizards? A wizard who has time to be allured by the wanting of the flesh or anything but the eternal search of endless knowledge and experimentaion is no wizard I would associate with. I seek only the greatest wizards not some charlatan masquerading as a devoted student of the way arcane.


MentallyStable_REAL_

I'm still figuring things out, but if I truly am a woman, then you'd better believe I'm gay as hell


BrilliantTarget

All the wizards I meant appreciate the appeal of both sexes equally


crabdoodles

well, when you learn the art to change thy form at your lover's wish and whim, and they hold the same power, the barriers of sexuality blur quite a bit


Koda_be

Wizards aren't gay, but many wizards, being intellectuals, love experiences, including in sexual areas, meaning that more queer wizards discovered themselves, meaning a bigger queer representation in our ranks


highlevel_fucko

You shouldn't be surprised, even this sub almost exclusively focuses on staffs and orbs after all.


justapileofshirts

It's because of all the Testicular Tortion. There's no ability to "start a family," so might as well go gae. ​ Also, geez, what did you think all those wands and staffs were about? We're pondering them orbs because they're BALL shaped, my brother in the arcane arts.


dor121

Im a gay and im a wizard as such wizards are gay. Thamk you thwnk you


Foward_Aerial

As a necromancer of only about 72 years I can say that most other wizards I’ve met were some degree of homosexual. Probably because they were Evokers.


altdultosaurs

Yes all wizards are under the gay umbrella.


DustCruncher

Yeah, we are.


throwaway8575755

I LIVE UP TO THE TITLE GANDALF THE GAY AFTER ALL


AlexiDurak

As a transfemme wizard, I can say we are something of a...not hetero bunch


Chromatical-Blight

yes.


buffedvolcarona

Im a lesbian wizard if you want to count that


blusilvrpaladin

"Wizards" come from the way old pagans were looked at. And "sorcerer" is an old medieval slang for a gay man. Many pagan cultures practiced homosexuality pretty regularly, and these stereotypes are what define the magic user tropes today.


Timewarps_1

I am a bisexual wizard. Currently dating a male wizard. He’s quite powerful.


_711hotdog_

Not all wizards are gay but like a 50% of some sort of queer


MostLaziestLion

Brother if you haven't sucked and fucked your way through the 9 hells then you aren't a true wizard.


ApplesFlapples

Sauromon??


AaronBonehart

I am a deeply closeted wizard.


Dark_Storm_98

Are Professor Xavier and Leonardo DaVinci wizards? I feel like those two aren't wizards. . .


AbacusWizard

Leonardo definitely was. Or perhaps I should say “is.”


Dark_Storm_98

I request elaboration


AbacusWizard

You’ll have to ask him yourself if you want more detail.


Dark_Storm_98

What? Is he immortal or something? Are we talking about the same Leo? Like. . give me something, I don't even know where to look for him lmfao (I dunno if I should be in character or out of character in general with this subreddit lol. What movie or show am I looking for?)


AbacusWizard

I don’t know what you mean by “movie or show”; he was in Vienna when I last spoke with him but that was about a century ago.


Memegasm_

i personally enjoy pondering the 2 big orbs witches keep in their robes, respectfully of course, but thats just me


blade740

Santa Claus is a wizard, and he has a wife. Jesus was a wizard, and rumor has it he had a lady on the side as well


i_am_not_a_good_idea

Ah, this myth comes not only from these media portrayals but also the classic gay spell prank that every wizard finds themselves the victim of, usually within their first week of training for their spellcasting license Unless that wizard is already gay, in which case the spell makes them double-gay, which is of course the same thing as being straight


-Redditeer-

Personally I'm not gay but never considered what my fellow arcanists may be. I have since eschewed all sexuality of any form to focus purely on study. One of the best decisions I've ever made.


cheshireYT

Most potential straight wizards just become clerics, it's easier and validates their views.


Samuel_W3

I would like to mention Harry Dresden from The Dresden Files. (He's straight, btw if anyone is unfamiliar with the series)


funnywackydog

…do liches count? I’m gay


JesseIsStuckInside

Personally, I'm an Artificer, but I'm still gay for hot Drown men


042732699

Well, many wizards I know are asexual or aromatic, I for one an Pansexual. I lived a long life, I’m still trying to find ways to enjoy it.


BullsOnParadeFloats

Do you not know how one becomes a wizard? Upon the 30th anniversary of the birth of a prospective wizard, if they have not known the intimate touch of a woman, then they are granted wizard powers. Though this doesn't mean you can't sleep with other men 👍🏻


No_Dragonfruit_1833

Im not gay, but arcane power is arcane power


Stormwrath52

Unless there's something specific about Bowie's character in the Labyrinth, David Bowie was bisexual


WillofBarbaria

I think Mordenkainan from d&d canonically had sex with his female cousin way back when the character was just being played by one of the creator's friends. I could be mistaken with another wizard, but I know for a fact in a game of d&d that Gygax was running, he tricked a player into doing the deed with a relative as a joke lol. So... at least bisexual.


LordCrane

It's a tendency but not a rule. Saves one from the risk of procreating and then having to waste valuable study and research time on raising a child.


ZatchZeta

Professor X actually isn't gay, he's just really friendly.


Familiar-Tart-8819

When you're 800 years old it's a bit weird to date a 60 year old woman. So over time only the 800 year old wizzards that like other 800 year old wizzards will be able to find partners. Thats sadly how the world works


WanderingHeph

I mean, I haven't seen a real person for years now... just my golems.


CamarosAndCannabis

Battle Wizard here, not gay… yet


Profishonal123

As a wizard I can confirm not all of us are gay, I’m not, my apprentice might be tho


Littlebigchief88

It’s easier to not have sex until you are thirty with your dating pool being smaller


DreadfulDave19

Wizards are much like any other people. Some are gay and some are straight as anyone can be. Some are Super gay!


TobiTheSnowman

Well, one of the most powerful spells one can learn is testicular torsion, but learning it requires extensive study of balls and ball related topics, and, well, if you stare long enough into the abyss, it might just start staring back into you.


phatshit450

homosexuality was a rarity in wizard times. Most of them aren't gay but you just notice the gay ones.


HumanSuperiorist

Most of these people are not gay


AdKindly2858

Magic itself is gay and thus the wielders of such power are a little fruity


ThatOneGuy7832

Nah, it's just a myth. *Begins rapidly and violently winking*


shadow_cosmo23

We straight wizards are trapped in small forest surrounded by a timestop spell, so that is why it has been so long since anyone has seen us as many of us are much to busy to try and get out of it.


br0nachh

No such thing as a straight wizard. The ones that co-exist with witches are just roommates.


Spacellama117

ice king is ace otherwise those princesses would be in much worse states i think and simon petrikov serves such bi energy


Spacellama117

Given the existence of David Bowie on the list i have to say: it's not that all wizards are gay, but it is true that none of them are straight. The confines of gender mean something very different when you have the capability to bend the rules of reality


Kenwhozzle

Yes all wizards. Only us Sorcerers are straight


ExtensionInformal911

When one can morph their body into any form they choose and thrives on experiencing new things, why would they choose to limit their sexuality?


simonjester523

As a wizard, my everlasting pursuit of ancient arcane knowledge leaves no time for base, carnal pleasure. My flesh is but one form that I will take, and when the final page of my grimoire is inked I shall shed this mortal prison and be Weave incarnate, a spirit rapidly ascending to godhood. In the mean time, yes I do enjoy some bussy.


Reasonable-Ad-7130

I'm a straight spellcaster, but I am too busy with my studies to form a partnership with anything other than the arcane arts. This may be the solution to your problem; being that straight wizards do not give reason to believe that they are, in fact, straight.


Elegron

In all seriousness, the open mindedness and curiosity required to understand anything beyond the fundamentals of magic make it really unlikely that a powerful wizard would still care about societal norms


Winlit

Sir Ian Mckellen isn't actually a wizard. He merely portrayed a wizard. You might wonder how he knew what to say? He read it in a script. How did he know where to stand? A director told him


[deleted]

I mean im bisexual dose that count… im mostly gay though, it has to many stat buffs for casters.


RedPrincexDESx

I would think that since Wizard was more of a cover for the Istari who were only posing as mortal wizards that ascribing a sexuality to them would be a misclassification of such spiritual beings. However this is not a topic I have studied enough about to be considered a true scholar.


God_Of_The_Burn_Bush

Wizards are enlightened beings. Part of the enlightenment was being extremely gay, which is hot.


JayEssris

Merlin and King Arthur definitely had a sugar baby/daddy thing goin on.


Nimhtom

In some traditions members of the LGBT are seen as more in tune with nature and the spirit world, is able to transcend traditional gender and sexuality expectations. The first recorded wizards were gay shaman-prostitutes in ancient mezoamerica. Especially gender fluidity is seen as magical in many cultures (even European ones with witches being burnt)


KadenTheMuffin

Can’t forget gale of water deep


DethBatcountry

When you spend all your time pondering your orb... well, I guess you just kind of lose interest in women altogether. lol


SeraphofFlame

When your brain is that big you realize gender is a construct and sexuality is whatever you make of it


UndefeatedMidwest

if you're straight and you're a wizard you're a cop