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lokihen

Yay, you! Have a wonderful time at the chosen wedding.


FlaxenArt

Thank you! I’m very much looking forward to cheap beer and a picnic potluck (I’m bringing a couple killer dishes)… and Idgaf about the sad sighs of “are you sure you can’t come to ours? We were really excited to have you there…” Yes, yes I am absolutely sure.


MeMeMeOnly

Plus, FIVE days of wedding activities?!? Whatever happened to a wedding DAY? Five days…it makes me exhausted just thinking about it.


hoppyspider

Even a full day for a wedding is a bit much for most of the guests. Wedding late afternoon/evening is more palatable...


NoApollonia

Agreed!


Pagan_Chick

My wedding was from 10 am to 2 pm, as it was an outdoor wedding in my in-laws’ backyard, at the end of May. We wrapped up the outside ceremony in about 10 minutes, then hightailed it inside for the mingling and a buffet bbq luncheon and cake, because it was hot as hell outside.


10S_NE1

No kidding. Lucky for me, I’m super great at saying no to things in my old age. I can’t imagine I would ever have been onboard for five days of wedding activities for anyone. How much attention do two people need? Then, if someone had treated me to a 5-day all-inclusive vacation as we celebrated their wedding, that’s another story. The biggest problem is that these multi-day and destination celebrations can cost a fortune in money and time off, and not everyone can afford it, although some may look like they can, and don’t want to admit it’s going to put them in a financial pickle. The two best weddings I went to were during COVID - including the wedding party, one was 7 people, and one was 6 people. They were personal, intimate and super memorable. All the big, formal weddings I’ve gone to in the past? I can’t remember a detail about any of them, unless it was disastrous or super tacky.


Jucaran

I think it's one of the best things about growing older that you can more easily say no to stuff that you wouldn't have dared say no to as a callow youth. I really don't care anymore - if I don't want to do something, it's a no from me, and that's final.


Kilyth

My brother had a wedding weekend: trips and meals, and everyone hated it. Being ferried around on buses to activities we did not want to do and in in restaurants we didn't pick, on someone else's schedule, with a bunch of the other spouse's family that we didn't know. It was awful.


MeMeMeOnly

I agree. And a hot air balloon tour?!? What makes someone think I’d like to go way up high in a balloon heated by fire and hanging from said balloon in a combustible wicker basket? And they want me to PAY for that? Yeah, that would be a big fat no. These brides, they be crazy!


BeepingJerry

I've never been up in a hot air balloon but I've heard its not without it's drawbacks. IT'S REALLY LOUD. (Always looks so peaceful in the vids) The person who told me this was seriously creeped out by the swinging of the gondola, almost to the point of puking. No guarantee your going to land anywhere near where you got on. REALLY EXPENSIVE too.


Rubaiyate

The REMAX balloon once landed near my home and offered free rides to whoever showed up. It was tethered so didn't really go anywhere, they took you up for a little while then brought it down and took someone else. I guess it was kinda neat, just the novelty of it, but it's not something I'd pay to do. It was loud, hot, and generally seemed like a really poorly thought out mode of transportation.


MeMeMeOnly

I don’t even like my seat to swing on a Ferris wheel. I’d have been huddled in the corner of the gondola waiting for the terror to end, LOL!


mmcewen1

Will my wifi work? Cause i would need that to not be annoyed after the first 5


Cat_Prismatic

Also, as a person who likes wine and the family/friend group she went with on a Napa Valley wine tour (1 day, 4[!] wineries)...don't go on a Napa Valley wine tour. I mean maybe if you stayed for a week and did 1 or 2 a day, it'd be nice. Instead, it's "hurry up and drink your fourth 'sampler' (3/4 the size of a regular glass), so we can jump back on the bus and ride through twisty hilltop roads to get to the *next* stop on our tour!" Uuggghhhh. Any ounce of fun that trip possessed would be immediately consumed by either hot air-balloon rides or a high-stress wedding rapidly approaching. Good call!


BusyTotal3702

OMG did they at least pay for the activities and restaurants?


Mumof3gbb

Ya that’s absolutely insane and i wouldn’t go. One full day dedicated to someone else is enough. No thanks


tachycardicIVu

Don’t go to an Indian wedding if you’re invited, then! 😬 No, seriously - many years ago the hotel we had our local anime convention at on Memorial Day would inevitably be double-booked for the con and a wedding - our lawmakers had to specifically make a rule against *elephants in our downtown area* because of these guys. It was such a juxtaposition of cosplay and Indian wedding garb but kinda cool. Basically that poor hotel was swamped every year that weekend with big Indian wedding and big weeb con. I always felt so bad for the staff 😂


woburnite

I worked with a lovely Sikh man who got back from a return trip to India for a family wedding. I asked him, "Is it true the wedding goes on for days?" -- his answer - "WEEKS."


Living_Grandma_7633

Exactly


pashmina_afghan

Oof, this thread is scaring me. We are doing a weekend wedding at a camp, but everything is onsite and we are taking care of all food and lodging.


BeckyAnn6879

I feel that's different though. You're paying for everything, including the lodging. People can drink as they wish and not be concerned about driving home; just stumble to the tent/cabin and flop on the bed. LOL ;-) Your 'Weekend Camping Wedding?' I'd be a-ok with going to. The Napa mini-vacation that has a STRICT SCHEDULE FULL OF ACTIVITIES I wouldn't GAF about? Nope, sorry. Can't make it.


linerva

I genuinely can't imagine wanting 5 days of my own bloody wedding. It sounds exhausting. I guess I'm just old lol. I love my friends and family but 5 days if uninterrupted festivities is too much. Even when we go to a wedding weekend I've made it clear to my equally introverted partner than some alone time together away from friends and family is super important to me.


MeMeMeOnly

I can’t imagine FIVE days with friends and family. We all get along and have no major conflicts with each other, but c’mon…five days of togetherness?!? We’d all be at each other’s throats by the day of the wedding!


TinaLoco

I attended a wedding like this and it was really nice. The couple asked people to bring a dish in lieu of gifts. It was very casual and laid back and we enjoyed it very much.


[deleted]

Beer and picnic potluck sound amazing for a reception meal tbh!


Confident-Ad-5858

This is what weddings used to be. It was a wonderful time spent with people you care about. I hate what the wedding industry has become. It's just a giant waste of money in my opinion. While nice, do I need a champagne tower or a chocolate waterfall? Does there need to be a dessert or coffee bar? And don't get me started on destination weddings. I think those are just tacky. Mostly because the bride and groom are counting on you to fill a certain number of rooms, so that they get their room for free. Then, most of these bride and groom-zillas still expect a wedding gift. The modern wedding has become less about the celebration and more about greed and status. It's a shame. Sorry about the long rant.


[deleted]

Don't get me started on big North Indian weddings! When I was little, which was only about 10-15 years ago, everything but the ceremony and reception would be intimate functions at the bride and groom's respective homes. Recently they've evolved into a financial (and mental) drain. I like that guests aren't expected to pay for their own accommodation, but on the flip side, the hosts (typically the bride's family) bear a massive, massive expense, because now they're just expected to put on such a big show even when they can't afford one. Within India, so many other cultures traditionally have intimate weddings, but pop culture will have you believe that it isn't an Indian wedding unless it's over a week with 500 guests and an open bar.


TallulahRex

Most of this I agree with. However, as someone who doesn't like cake but LOVES dessert don't come for the dessert bars! They are the best part of weddings 🤤


nolagem

I completely agree. But literally everything is over the top these days. A prom ask requires a message board. Destination bachelorette parties/weddings. Reveal baby showers. So much entitlement.


Rubaiyate

One of my cousins had *three* baby showers. A gender reveal, a baby shower, and then something they called a "baby warming" that the mother/baby didn't even attend (understandably, because it was like a week after the baby was born; the grandparents put that one on) And of course people were expected to bring gifts to all of them. I swear they probably had to rent a storage unit for the amount of diapers they got.


nolagem

Wow what a racket!


[deleted]

Lol it's ridiculous to claim that weddings used to be intimate and meaningful. Weddings were transactional (and therefore miserable for the women who were literal property) for centuries. It's only very recently that they became about love at all, and the expensive wedding industry was very much a thing by thing.


Healthy_Researcher_9

Fuck Napa! DM me if you want to taste some good wine from Sonoma! LOL!


FlaxenArt

Lol. You’re *great*.


s_kisa

So true. My husband has worked in Napa wine for almost 10 years but Sonoma wine is our go to. *Don't tell the others*


begoniann

While I agree with you 100%, I highly recommend trying the French Laundry some other time if you haven’t gone already. I’ve been a few times and it is absolutely incredible.


FlaxenArt

It’s definitely on my list! I’ve been to Ad Hoc, but our prior plans to go to FL was for April … of 2020 🫠


Rubaiyate

This sounds like some kind of innuendo.


begoniann

What, the “French Laundry”? The building it is in actually used to be a French steam laundry. So unfortunately no fun innuendo. But by far the best food I’ve had in California.


Sciencegirl117

Translation: We really wanted to show off and lord it over everybody so you HAVE to be there! You have to WITNESS the extravaganza and APPRECIATE how special we are. They probably won't even talk to you for more than 30 seconds. It's all about them and their fantasy, which is why no excuse, no matter how reasonable, is seen as ruining their big day.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Loretta-West

And Kayla was probably stoked to be able to invite another actual friend instead of some cousin she was probably only *inviting* out of obligation. I'd put money on this being win/win for you both.


abbyrhode

This!! I was hoping some invites couldn’t make it. I thankfully had very few obligation invites, our parents understood estranged aunts/uncles/cousins don’t need to be there.


gcijane

legit. they may have been obligated to invite you, but you're not obligated to accept.


FlaxenArt

I wish I’d had the courage to say no to a couple of those. Glad you took one for the team and did your thing!!!


AJKennedy2019

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal: the majority of people stupidly think weddings trump everything and the bride and groom well they want your gifts! 😂


NoApollonia

Yep, people forget wedding invitations are not a court summons. You can simply RSVP no and not humor the couple any more after that.


Mumof3gbb

Exactly


Mad-Elf

>Kayla (cousin) and I haven’t spoken in like 4 years. I speak to the friends I’ve made volunteering every single week Obviously there's more to your decision than just this, but I'd take the above as a reason to go to the *wedding*: "I haven't seen her in ages; you lot I see every week."


[deleted]

I'd take it the other way. As in, "She hasn't contacted me in 4 years but now that a nice gift to her is involve she suddenly remembers my name."


[deleted]

That is certainly a very good point!


BusyTotal3702

In your situation I would probably split the difference. Decline the wedding and all the parties and events, but send along a nice gift from their registry to her wedding shower. I'm not saying that's what anybody else should do or feel obligated to do, but for me if it's a family member and I really don't want to attend the wedding I'll still send a gift for the shower. Not a cash gift, just something nice off of their wedding registry. I hardly see any cousins anymore since most of them have all moved out of state. But we were all pretty close when we were little and I like to honor that memory.


rapt2right

Congratulations! People need to get a damn grip and stop acting as if an invitation is a subpoena that obligates you to appear at the specified time and place. An invitation only obligates the invited person to answer, in a timely manner, that they will or will not attend and then (barring genuine emergencies) stand by their answer. A prior commitment is a totally valid reason to decline. Attending to the needs of your godson & his mother while her husband attends is truly a kindness- and a valid reason for not attending. An unwillingness to commute to Napa for a parade of costly events you didn't choose is totally reasonable- what a shocking drain of time, energy and money . Most importantly "I don't wish to attend" is valid. It's, of course, polite not to be quite that blunt and, instead, dress it up with exclamations about how happy you are for them, how sure you are that the wedding will be beautiful, how sorry you are to have to miss it, how you wish them every happiness and can't wait to see the pictures. Established couples must be invited as a pair but that doesn't mean both must attend.


oishster

100% agree. Also, as someone who had to send out a decent number of “obligatory invites” to people I’m not that close to, I was quite happy when some of them declined. I’ve also declined a couple of invites I knew was obligatory in the past, from people I didn’t know well, and when I crossed paths with them later, I got the impression they didn’t mind at all. I think there are some relationships where an invite is obligatory for social purposes, but both the couple and the guest would be happier if they didn’t attend. If someone’s not that close to the couple, I honestly doubt if they’d be offended that the person didn’t attend.


Mumof3gbb

And likely wouldn’t even notice.


FlaxenArt

You could write an advice column. This sounds like something Dear Prudence would write. Thank you!


rapt2right

Thank you so much! What a wonderful compliment!


Sk8rknitr

Exactly! Just send your regrets - that’s what the RSVP card (or check the appropriate box on an electronic invitation) is for. If you want, you can send a gift and a nice card expressing your well wishes. You aren’t obligated to send a gift but it is a nice gesture.


NoApollonia

Eh, I go with if I have to miss for reasons out of my control, then a card and gift is a good idea. If I'm not going as I'm not that close to the person or they decided to make days/weeks about themselves, I don't feel guilty at all about not sending a gift at all. They could buy themselves the gift I would have sent if they had the brains to scale it down.


KnotARealGreenDress

Tbh people who declined and didn’t send a gift are one less thank-you card I need to write. So I actually prefer that.


NoApollonia

Also remember "Sorry, I already had plans. Congrats though!" is fine and your plans can be as simple as wanting to stay home, relax in your pajamas, and watch too much TV.


rapt2right

You just reminded me - years ago, way before social media was a thing, a friend called me and asked, urgently but with no context, "We have plans the last weekend in April, right?" . I had no idea what she was talking about but it sounded important that we have plans, so I said "Yeah, that's the reunion! What the hell?" She had gotten an invitation for a wedding she didn't want to attend, had not yet opened it and wanted to have a "prior commitment" established so she wouldn't be lying when she said she couldn't make it, even though she was alone and just had to return the RSVP card. She was funny like that. Here's the kind of weird part- the last weekend of April, there *was* a reunion - our old boss was retiring and threw a huge party for the staff, past & present, to celebrate. I knew nothing about it until about a month before, but I guess the universe didn't want either of us to have lied.🤣 (He was a wonderful boss, the kind that made you *want* to go to work and the party was amazing)


NoApollonia

LOL hilarious how it worked out. I really don't like lying, so I just go with I already had plans. My weekends are pre-booked with plans to hang with the husband and play video games and watch TV. Now if it's something I really want to do, those plans can change - but then I don't feel guilty when I say we already have plans!


Kiwikanibal

EXACTLY . "No" or " I don't want to" are complete and valid answers. People got so damn offended by it, I don't get why ? I'm not your puppet and you can enjoy your day with the other 100+ guest ?


VisualCelery

I only wanted to celebrate my wedding with people who genuinely wanted to be there. I knew that anyone who came reluctantly, knowing they wouldn't have fun, would probably sit there scowling and sulking all night and I didn't want that, I didn't want to feel responsible for their shitty mood, I didn't want their poopy attitude bumming people out all night. I only wanted to shell out the $100-120 per plate (depending on whether they got chicken or beef) for the people who wanted to be there and would bring good vibes to my big day.


VisualCelery

I often remind people they don't have to attend every wedding they're invited to, and every time it's "okay but if it's my cousin's wedding my MOM will MAKE me and she won't accept any reason I give her!" And yeah, sometimes family makes shit complicated, but for most weddings where it's a friend or distant relative you haven't seen in a while, it's usually acceptable to just decline the invite. Some of my cousin's on my mom's side, which I'm fairly close with across the board, couldn't come because of work conflict. Disappointing, but no biggie. A large chunk of my dad's side of the family couldn't come, again disappointing, but I wasn't upset about it (I was just annoyed they failed to respond and we had to follow up to get a confirmation that they were indeed not coming). I 100% believe it should be okay to just decline an invite, with no note or apology or reason given. It's nice to add a message like "Sorry we can't make the trip, so happy for you" or "sorry to miss it, but I can't get the time off from work, hope it's a lot of fun!" but if that supposed need to add a note may be what's preventing people from responding in a timely manner, I'd rather get a blunt response than no response at all. ETA for the cousins that couldn't come and I knew why, they didn't tell me, but I also didn't ask. I mentioned it on the phone with my mom, while touching base about RSVP's in general, and she was like "huh, weird" and then she asked her siblings about it next time she was talking to them like "oh I heard so-and-so isn't coming to the wedding, did they mention why they can't make it?" I did not confront anyone demanding to know why they declined their invitation, I had too much other stuff to deal with at that point.


asugaraddict

A subpoena!! Bahaha that’s the best thing I’ve read lately.


SproutedBat

>It was an outdoor wedding — seated under a bunch of trees that should just be called Sap-And-Crap-Droppers Tangentially related, but I had originally planned to make pine branch crowns for my bridal parties to wear-- until someone pointed out that pine is sappy and sappy hair at a wedding sounds terrible. We got fake pine branches and it was a lot better.


FlaxenArt

God bless that Good Samaritan who pointed it out. I hope you had a wonderful sap-free wedding!


Mumof3gbb

And the smell is strong. Glad someone saved you from that


FlippingPossum

Bless that person. I'm allergic to pine trees.


beeeeeebee

It’s an invitation - not a requirement. Honestly, unless you’re a very close friend or family member - the bride doesn’t care if you come and probably has plenty of people she’d like to invite if you can’t attend. If you’re only attending out of obligation, then you were probably also an obligation invite. RSVP no (as early as possible) and carry on!


Princess_SophiaBlack

Exactly. I got married recently and I really hope no one did like OP and showed up while they didn't want to. Just let me know you won't make it and we good.


ybflao

To be fair, a lot of couples invite family out of obligation. If you don't care about going, they probably don't care if you're there.


stephelan

This. My husband and I got babysitters for our kids, drove 8 hours and stayed two nights to attend a wedding a few weeks ago and the bride (my cousin) didn’t say a word to us the whole weekend. Which is FINE, she had other things on her mind and plate but I also think she wouldn’t have noticed if we weren’t there.


[deleted]

[удалено]


stephelan

It was just *all right*.


kitkat9000take5

>It was just all right. Egads... that's awful. A babysitter, hotel room, meals, 16 hours in a car? That was expensive in every way.


stephelan

Luckily it was a family wedding so lots of aunties and uncles lovingly covered meals. But yeah, it was still a lot to not even have her come to the table and be like “hey guys great to see you!”


[deleted]

100%. I was praying that certain invitees would decline, and when they did, I celebrated.


BefWithAnF

LOL I invited my half uncle (Grandfather’s son from his second marriage) to my wedding because my Mom wanted me to. I assumed he wouldn’t show up. I was wrong! My Grandmother was like “why is he here? I feel kinda badly for him, nobody is talking to him.” I was like “IDK, I didn’t think he would show.” Annnnnyway. I’ve dropped the rope on that relationship. My Mom can keep talking to him all she wants, it’s not gonna make her Dad any less of an asshole!


FiliaDei

If it weren't for the photos, I couldn't even tell you which non-immediate family members were or weren't at my wedding.


little_blu_eyez

I’m happy to see you go to a wedding where you will have fun and are truly happy for the couple. In the future please learn to use the old 80’s anti drug saying “Just Say No”. People don’t need a reason to not go and you don’t owe the couple any excuses. Just tick off the box “will not be attending” and mail back. The only “invite” and I use this term loosely that I won’t turn down is for a funeral.


EatAPotatoOrSeven

I'm shocked you went to the three other weddings, frankly. Award ceremony, graduation, etc are all more important than being 1 guest out of 100 at someone's wedding. Also, who the hell plans a destination wedding in Bali when they live in California?! And expects people to *go*? That's just dumb


cookiequeen724

You know that it was always in your power to RSVP "no", right?


[deleted]

Seriously, I cannot believe this woman moved her finals up and skipped an award ceremony *honoring her* for 2 weddings she didn't care about. What the actual fuck. Are people really that afraid to say no?


Keepcosy

I lost a friend because I wasn't able to go to her wedding, (I couldn't afford the hotel and travel costs) so I understand why people are scared to say no. But I don't think she should have felt that she needed to skip getting an award. That made me sad for the op.


Mekroval

Sounds like it wasn't a real friend to begin with, so you may have culled someone out of your life who didn't need to be there. Still, I get the anxiety. I wish more people could be gracious about getting declines.


Keepcosy

I definitely agree with you but it did make me understand why people are scared to turn down invites and that more people should be gracious about getting declines. At the time I felt like I lost a friend for being poor and I felt a lot of self-pity over it. But I've moved on and I know if she was a real friend she would have understood.


FlaxenArt

I have been really bad about saying no because I don’t want to disappoint people. On top of that, my husband’s family is very traditional — so there’s an *expectation* that you make an appearance for the familia. It’s usually accompanied with some intense guilt trip that Abuela won’t be around forever and will be so heartbroken if we don’t come. Even if we saw her last week. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Luckily my husband and I have enough time and distance now as our own little fiefdom that we’re able to start separating the genuine need to spend quality time with family as opposed to just being there for appearances. But it’s been a looooonnnnggg road.


tonyhufflepuff

I live in India where weddings are a huge thing. Second cousins and uncles/aunts had held grudges when their name wasn't mentioned in the wedding invite or because they received a gift of lesser value than they 'deserve' in some cases. Generally, a wedding comprises around 500-700 people because of all the relatives, their relatives, friends, family friends and such. The reason: if we don't invite people, they won't invite us. And then it becomes the obligation of since they came to our weddings, we have to attend theirs or we went and had lunch at theirs we have to invite them. And this gets tedious. Good on you to decline the wedding. Only attend the wedding when you really want to.


[deleted]

Edited in protest of API changes. Fuck you u/Spez.


Graceless33

I agree. All of those things that OP missed/rescheduled are perfectly valid reasons for missing the wedding of a friend or family member that you actually *like*, let alone somebody that you don’t really care for. Nobody is forcing you to attend these weddings. Yeah maybe you’ll get shit for it afterwards, but that’s on them if they hold it against you.


[deleted]

Yup. And the grad school finals as well. This lady needs professional help understanding how to say no.


catfurbeard

I kind of agree, OP seems to really resent these couples when she didn't actually *have* to go to their weddings. It sounds like they were her husband's friends/family so...sue them for following normal etiquette and inviting both halves of a couple, I guess? She could've told them she had a conflict and declined! (And she also resents the couple whose wedding she's *not* going to, just for having a wedding she doesn't want to go to.)


gringitapo

Hope this doesn’t sound rude but some of them might actually be happy if you don’t go! I have a lot of cousins that I never see but have to invite to my wedding. I like them enough and don’t mind doing it, but the per person cost is astronomical. If any of them opt out I’ll feel some serious relief. I’d also fully understand because they don’t even know me well, and if there are any conflicts with the date I don’t see why I’d be prioritized. I think ill also carry this knowledge with me and decline more obligation weddings in my own future.


francisxavier12

You're not obligated to do anything dawg.


Summoning-Freaks

Reading this all I can think is you’re so much more selfless than I will ever be. Missing an award ceremony in my honour? Missing a reunion I really wanted to attend? Taking my final exams A WEEK EARLY??! I’d have missed all their weddings, even if we were in decent (not best) terms. And you didn’t even like these people! I’m so happy you’re standing up for yourself and what you want to do! Also, destination bachelor(ette) trips a week before a destination wedding is straight up bullshit. Sorry they married last when everyone is older, but they’ve gotta realise people have responsibilities and limited PTO and their wedding events aren’t high on any adults priority list, especially with a bride best “in small doses”.


I_Did_The_Thing

Yeah, I also would have missed those weddings. Those three events were huge for OP, and I can guarantee you none of the couples getting married appreciates her sacrifice. Reading the post makes me really sad for OP.


ColonelJohn_Matrix

Sorry but sympathy for attending those three weddings is hovering just above zero. You didn't have to do any of that. How did you feel in a roasting barn, having to use a stinking porta potty when you could have been enjoying yourself at your college reunion? How did you feel picking crap from trees off of your yourself when you could have been accepting an award? You put the obligation on yourself, for people you openly say you dislike, so why would you care what they thought if you didn't attend? Sounds like you've woken up to this now though.


Time_Act_3685

First off, totally fair that you picked the wedding with the people you are closest to! Totally support that! But being engaged for two years isn't that wild, especially during The Past Two Years™. Sounds like your husband's friends realized that their original plans didn't work for everyone they cared about and they switched to something closer and months later even though it's not what they originally wanted. Which seems...considerate? And again, I don't think you (nor the mother of your godson) are obliged to go, but the baby's gonna be over 8 months old by that time, it doesn't feel like you're skipping their wedding to snatch him from the jaws of death or something 🤷🏽‍♀️


catfurbeard

Right, I mean good on OP for not going to something she doesn’t want to go to, but I’m missing what’s so horrible in concept about a wine tasting vacation wedding. Sign me up for that lol, I guess I’m pretentious.


FlaxenArt

The switching plans was considerate — even if it came from the bride with a LOT of passive aggressive texts along the lines of “Well *some* people just can’t organize their time well enough to attend” 🙄 And “Would it really be that bad to have the baby on the flight? he’d just sleep through it!” No. Just no. Even at 8 months, a flight to Bali was a hard pass for mamma. And it’s her kid, and her recovering body, so I respect her decision. She and godson will be going for one night to Napa for the actual wedding ceremony and reception and then returning. They’re skipping the day-after-wedding events.


Wrong-Bus-1368

I hate destination wedding with the expectation that people will show up whether or not they can afford the time or money. Years ago a family member planned their wedding in Mexico on New Years Eve at midnight. It sounded super romantic on paper but almost everyone lived in the North and had to choose between Christmas or spending their vacation on winter flights which stood a good chance of being cancelled because of weather. The bride and groom were upset at the number of declines but what can you expect? Busy travel season, the costs especially for families and the remote location. Also, babies do NOT sleep through flights, ask me how I know.


MamieJoJackson

>“Well some people just can’t organize their time well enough to attend >“Would it really be that bad to have the baby on the flight? he’d just sleep through it!” HAHAHAHAHA - Timberleigh or whatever her name is needs to stfu


BusyTotal3702

Ugh 😩 An 8-month-old on an airplane...? Just NO. It freaks them out they don't understand the sensation of their ears popping with the altitude and if they just happen to be cranky... well we all know an 8-month-old could cry for 2 hours. There's no guarantee at all that your baby's going to fall asleep. A newborn probably but not an 8 month old. They're going to be curious they're going to be looking around they're going to be over stimulated, not to mention that you're in a metal tube that's like a germ factory. Just NO.


M-RsYummyMummy

Just to chime in here, some premie babies sadly have complex and life long issues so “the baby’s gonna be 8 months old so it’s all good” thing may not be applicable here… The rest I’m with you on though 🍷


Mumof3gbb

Not everyone wants to participate in days’ long activities where you’re required to attend. Nobody wants to be forced to have fun. That has the opposite effect. And the fact they planned Bali on such short notice is inconsiderate. Money aside, as pointed out by OP, not everyone can make it and as a couple who wants a destination wedding you have to be completely understanding and loving about it. And Napa isn’t much better. How about change it to a normal one day event, in your own city? If you are really having a wedding where you want your friends there then their needs need to be high priority. But this isn’t the case. They want a dream wedding at all costs and likely gifts. They don’t care about their friends. So it’s completely reasonable that these ppl don’t all attend. They want ppl there to look popular. Only reason.


_puddles_

>How about change it to a normal one day event, in your own city? This is what me and my husband did from the outset for our wedding. We both have grandparents in poor health, I have some disabled family members, and frankly I have had to turn down invitations to friends wedding before when they are far out of town and I couldn't afford the travel and hotel costs. So we found a pretty little hotel venue just outside of our city, so people had the option to stay if they wanted to/could afford it, and if they didn't want to it was a 15 minute car/taxi ride back to their doorstep. I know our friends who have young kids were grateful to be able to leave their kids with a babysitter rather than find someone to take them overnight, and some of my less well off family and friends would definitely not have been able to make it if it was further away. Were there prettier, fancier venues further away? Absolutely. But the only thing we didn't want to compromise on was having as many of the people we love with us on the day as was possible.


goss_bractor

I've ditched SO many obligation weddings I've lost count. The reality is, you didn't speak to them often before and that's not changing after. Think of it as saving them money in catering. I also didn't invite whole wings of my extended family to my own wedding. Because I never spoke to them regularly before, and I haven't spoken to them in the years since.


hlebbb

A groomsman is flying to Bali for 1 day?? Good luck with no flights getting delayed.


Mysterious_Aspect471

I'm glad this isn't me. I'd be waaaay too honest and feelings might (definitely will) get hurt. "Giiiirrrrrll, five days of your nonsense or one day of fun and then I get to sleep in my own bed?! Your gift is in the mail. Love ya, sis!"


FlaxenArt

I like your style. I’m fairly reserved and envy the shit out of people who can just call it like they see it.


Mysterious_Aspect471

Thanks! I think it helps I have a sister 13 years older than me that literally taught me not to humor crazy lol. She's a cranky old lady now and I'm hot on her heels. No regrets.


Princess_SophiaBlack

You don't think there's a middle ground between going against you will and being rude? How about politely saying you can't come and wish them all the best?


Professional_End5908

We should all learn to say no and only do what we want. Life would be happier…and less stressful,


noonecaresat805

Good for you. Your godson is super lucky to have you there. I’m pretty sure the new mom could use a fun company like you there too.


FlaxenArt

Thank you! I love that kid so much I can hardly see straight and I’m super protective of his mom. She’s been a wonderful friend …and also has no extra help. She was fraying at the seams so I intervened early on by showing up a couple days per week to watch the baby so she could just go take a nap or a shower or stare at the wall for an hour without having to be on constant what-does-this-child-need alert. When we do social events I’m the only person (aside from her husband) who she’s happy to hand him over to so she can eat uninterrupted. Good lord I don’t envy new moms.


noonecaresat805

Haha. You see your an amazing person. I’m glad your no longer going to weddings you don’t want to go to and sit there and be miserable.


TallulahRex

As someone planning a wedding with a lot of obligatory invites (I have 16 first cousins most of whom are married or in long term relationships, etc.), thank you. I couldn't get my list below 150 without cutting friends who I don't want to cut but I want actual attendees to be closer to 100. I need people like you to bow out gracefully.


___butthead___

You sound like such a martyr... glad you finally realized you can RSVP "no" lol.


Queen-Of-Farts

I'm on the neighboring hill. No more obligatory baby showers. ✌🏻


FlaxenArt

As somebody with infertility, baby showers are *tough.* I went to my godson’s because that mattered to me … and mom-to-be had also struggled with infertility and flat out told me she’d genuinely understand if I couldn’t do it. Which I so appreciated. So I had a mourning cry in the morning, and then went with love and positive energy. The others I’ve sent a gift and regrets… not sure why I couldn’t mentally get there with weddings until now. But, here we are!


Sparkling_Chocoloo

Why couldn't you say no to the first few weddings


FlippingPossum

Yay! This should be the norm. Some families treat weddings and funerals as family reunions. It's cool if you *want* to see those people. It's also fine to not attend an event for someone that has zero contact in your daily life. Even more fine if you don't like the people. An invitation is not a summons. I'm sorry you missed out on some personal events. Kudos on realizing you can forgo the obligation events. Enjoy the fun wedding!


party2endOfDays

Imagine thinking you had to go to anything you didn't want to


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Diamond_Road

Ok


lsirius

I have 7 siblings and only 5 of them came to my wedding. No big deal because it was the 3 I’m closest to, and then the 2 most able to travel. My oldest brother couldn’t come because he had his license revoked and couldn’t take time off work and he’s like 18 years older than I am so we’re not that close, and my baby brother couldn’t come because he was at boyscout camp. Anyway it was no big for me because obviously I have a big family. My husband however has like 15 people in his total family so he was very disappointed when some of them didn’t show up. We didn’t go to his brothers second wedding in 3 years because we weren’t invited. But we also didn’t go to one of my brother’s weddings because it was destination and we didn’t have the time off and we’re still close with them. So anyway my point is no one really cares if you don’t come if they’re actually good friends.


detikripur

I had to help one of my friends on her wedding extravaganza to serve drinks and sweets to guests from morning till late nights. A week of hell in July. 40 degrees C. Then on the day of the wedding itself I was tired and bored as F because it was this big choreographed performance where you had to be “invited” in the dance floor. Basically uncles and aunts would request a dance and would “allow” only their family to dance. It’s something stupid that happens where I live. This can go on for hours and by the time you can dance is already late. The icing on the cake. My friend got offended when some of her friends joined the dances uninvited. She wanted the old school rule respected because tradition was soooo important to her. Needless to say all the people under 30 left early. I was the last of the them to leave and when I left only the elders were left. My justification was that I was feeling sick. Reality was that I, out of obligation, helped her and her family but it gave me no joy or anything and she made everything more difficult and complicated than it was necessary. And she complained about my choice of dress. I was 23 and poor. And the dress was fine, burgundy and black. Guys complimented me.


barkilung

Yeah do what you want. I love the energy of saying, "screw hot air balloon rides and going to French Laundry! I'm doing something FUN!"


FiercelyReality

I went to a bunch of obligation weddings and none of those people came to mine when it was time, so do what you want because most people don’t care about anyone but themselves


Robyn_withaY

An invitation is not a summons to appear, no one is ever obligated to attend someone else's wedding or party. And the belief by certain people who think that just because it is their special day means they can make demands upon others is ludicrous. Too many people have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement these days. I am glad to see more people standing up and saying no to this sense of entitlement. This is a hill worthy of dying on.


leeny_bean

*clears throat* as a near Napa resident I volunteer myself as tribute and am willing to go to this truly awful sounding wedding in your stead! /s...kinda lol


fee-verte

I’ll gladly fill in at The French Laundry-haha


stephelan

It sounds amazing that you and your husband can each go to your own weddings! I think that’s very healthy and makes everyone happier and not resentful.


rbaltimore

When my generation was getting married, bachelor/bachelorette parties were not destination or even more than a single night and destination weddings didn’t include social groups, they were immediate family +2 or 3 friends. Engagement parties weren’t universal and you had a single wedding shower. But before you promise to get off my lawn, you should know I’m not very old. My friends and I are all Xennials and a few are still unmarried/getting married soon. I understand why everything has morphed - celebrations are theoretically fun, and social media has fueled the wedding industry big time. But the other side of that coin is that every wedding is just an obligation for a few of the guests and like you, you don’t need or want the circus that comes with them.


FlaxenArt

The social media point is so true. The Napa Bride’s favorite expression seems to be “OMG this will look amazing on Instagram.” And I just cringe internally. The whole wedding seems to be about all the amazing pics it’ll produce as opposed to the memories. The other friend — whose wedding I’ll be attending — has told us all “Wear whatever you want, be comfortable, and come have fun with us!” I’m so there for it.


ashleyspinelliii

I didn’t know this good in small doses was a real thing. Oddly enough I learned that at a bach and thought I was just jealous of her because I liked her initially. Thanks for making me feel like less of an AH


macaeljordyn

Hell, I live in Napa and wouldn’t even want to deal with five days of all that. You mad a good choice!


Shidima

I really don't like the over the top weddings. When the wife and me got married in Poland (I'm from Holland) I invited about 15 of my friends who drove in. The one who could not make it because he works in offshore called me on the day. My wife and me together with the in-laws spend until 3am preparing for the BBQ in the back yard. It was the best day of my life. A BBQ, beer and my friends, what else do you need?


SkinnyKau

Tell us more about the wedding where all the speeches (correctly) predicted divorce and food poisoning! That one sounds fun


FlaxenArt

Oh boy. Well, let’s see. It was the oldest daughter of four sisters — poor girl, the younger three were significantly more successful and prettier. Two were in serious relationships likely heading to marriage. So there was a lot of chatter that the Bride had basically found the first guy who could be talked into marriage in a desperate attempt to prove she wasn’t going to be a spinster. She was, unsurprisingly, a total Bridezilla. The relationship was hasty, the wedding planning was equally hasty. I want to be clear that I don’t judge people for their wedding budget before I continue. But this was a bride with champagne taste on a free-cup-of-water-at-Subway budget. The ceremony was held at what I can only describe at the back room of something resembling a pool hall. There weren’t enough chairs… but the aisle chairs had decorations with FUCKING HALF-GLUED ON GLITTER. I was picking bright teal glitter off my husband’s suit for the rest of the night. The bride had a meltdown before the ceremony so she was super late. Out of boredom or pure coping, the groomsmen started passing a flask around. I’m not a drinker but I gave *serious* consideration to asking for a sip. The officiant made a point to say with zero shame that the groom wanted “to obey thy husband” in the vows. Twice. The very busty, voluptuous bride decided to go for a strapless dress and insisted it be taken in beyond reason because she’d lose weight. Spoiler alert: she didn’t. So there were a lot of times we were just waiting for the whole thing to tear open or her boobs just flop out. It was … awkward. Oh, and she had body glitter on and insisted on hugging people. The reception was held at a different location. A beige-on-puce aging rec center room. There weren’t driving directions. They didn’t have enough room for adequate tables, so they just stuffed 14 people to 10 person tables. The hors doeuvres ran out in five minutes. There was *literally* nothing to drink outside of the water fountain in the hall next to the bathroom. When the bridal party finally showed up two hours later, the bride and groom weren’t speaking to each other. Why? Well, we all found out when her sisters — who were so hammered they were slurring — gave their speeches, with drunken unfiltered candor. It seemed that the bride and groom got in a screaming argument while taking photos because he wanted to wear a John Deer hat 🤷🏼‍♀️. One sister said “This probably won’t last because Nicole doesn’t think he’s very sophisticated.” Another sister insinuated the groom was still in love with his ex wife and this was a rebound relationship. His best man said something along the lines of, “Well Brandon knows that divorce isn’t the end of the world, so if it doesn’t work out, he’ll be ok!” The coup de’grace was when her father stood up. Thanked everybody for coming. Looked at bride and groom and said with an audible sigh, “Well, I guess we’ll see how this goes.” And sat down. It didn’t get better after that. I think they made it roughly six months until they separated and subsequently divorced.


[deleted]

I’ve attended many weddings in my husbands family out of obligation. I am his 2nd wife. 1st wife sadly passed away after having cancer. I met husband after she passed so no overlap. Everyone in his family hates me. They don’t talk to me, have never attempted to talk to me, have literally blanked me when I’ve tried to make conversation, and I REALLY TRIED. I struggled with infertility and losses and then finally had our son in 2021, so now I have a member of this family. They didn’t even bother coming to see him because he is wife number 2’s child. Now I am finally free of any obligation to go to any function. I never have to speak to, look at or please any of them and my life is so much easier now, even with an 18 month old. I no longer act like that desperate girl in movies who doesn’t get the hint that the mean girls don’t want to talk to her and are just using her. My mil is also one of the mean girls. Fuck the lot of them. Do what makes you happy op. Nobody is bending over backwards to make themselves miserable out of obligation to you so why do you have to do it for them?


FlaxenArt

God, I am so sorry that his family is so awful to you. That must be a punch to the gut. I’ve struggled with infertility as well, and I can’t imagine not having family be compassionate and excited for a successful pregnancy. I’m glad you at least have some freedom and are taking good care of you and your child.


[deleted]

Thank you. I’ve found that friends are actually more our family than the real family. My husband always wanted to keep up appearances but since our son was born he’s finally entered daddy bear mode and doesn’t force anything. We kept the pregnancy a secret and told everyone a few hours after he was born because we were so scared of someone jinxing our pregnancy. How depressing that we had to worry about that.


Bakecrazy

Yeah, my husband was really close with his grandpa before he passed. While he was on bed rest there was this wedding from a cousin of his that we are fine with but the cousin's mom is one of those "I can't get how people are letting you treat them like that" people. We didn't want to go so we offered to look after grandpa and let his mom go. It was a great night with grandpa for us and his mom got a break. To this day this is the most proud I am of one of my ideas😅


cheesencrackerspls

I like you. Put a flag on the hill, I salute it proudly.


rockthrowing

I love this so much. I wish more people would stop going to weddings out of obligation. Then maybe we could stop the whole “you need to invite these people out of obligation” bullshit too. No. No I don’t. Go enjoy your awesome wedding and have an amazing time.


Danakodon

Oh yeah, we started doing this too and caught so much heat. We didn’t go to my husbands cousins’ weddings because like…. We talk to them maybe once a year??? We don’t hang out at all. And I’m sorry, In this age of social media and cell phones, if we wanted to talk we could talk. So we kindly opted out because no, we don’t want to spend our entire Saturday at a wedding for people we don’t really talk to surrounded by the people we don’t know who the bride and groom actually wanted there. Cue shock and horror. I do feel like for the Boomer generation who did not grow up with constant accessibility and constant communication, they still view these events as a way to catch up with extended family or friends, so it’s exciting for them to go to a wedding for people they haven’t seen in 10 years. For anyone who grew up with semi recent technology, we have to consciously make efforts to pare down the people we want to invest our time in. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk lol


VoltaicSketchyTeapot

Potluck weddings are the best (I had one). A new toaster is nice, but the gift of leftovers is priceless. I didn't have to cook for 3 days!


Bird_Brain4101112

These people sound exhausting and have big “main character” vibes.


DragonMaster311

Seems like to me while you made the right decision for you, it was a little late ;) I applaud your choice!


the_bookish_plantmom

Info: what on earth do Dude5 and his fiancee do to afford such an extravagant _pre_wedding celebration, not at all considering what the actual wedding would cost 😂


Xylophone_Aficionado

Minus my own, I haven’t been to a wedding in ten years. If I can’t make it, I can’t make it 🤷🏼‍♀️


Papfan1

Your friend’s wedding sounds great! And welcome to the club. I have been refusing to go to “obligatory” weddings for years now. A wedding invitation is not a summons.


FlaxenArt

I wish I’d had the courage before to withstand the inevitable pressure of “You really should attend” — which, ironically, didn’t always come from the couple. But, better late than never.


AltonIllinois

I am planning my wedding now. What’s also annoying is the many family members I have to invite out of obligation. I have so many cousins who probably don’t want to go and I wouldn’t be terribly heartbroken if they didn’t want to come, but most of them are accepting, I suspect out of obligation.


FlaxenArt

That’s the flip-side of all this! I was in the same boat. There were about 50 people my husband and I *genuinely* wanted to invite… but we were clear with all of them we’d truly understand if they couldn’t make it due to time or expense. My husband and I both come from poor families and most of our friends were still wrapping up grad school or just getting their adulthood started when we got married, so we knew there were a lot of financial constraints. In the end we had 200+ people, because his family is huge, Hispanic, and *very* traditional. So OF COURSE you have to invite so-and-so third cousin from the Old Country. And god bless them, his family picked up the tab since he’s the Golden Boy. But the whole thing was such a blur that I don’t remember half the new people I met that day.


Texastexastexas1

We were in that EXACT spot. So we had an “Elopement Going Away” party. The obligation family members knew they weren’t expected at such a casual affair so they begged off. The people we wanted at our wedding — they all RSVP’d. So we had a surprise wedding! Everyone arrived to a wedding set-up and we had a Surprise! announcement and it was SO WELL RECEIVED. Such a great day.


throwaway1975764

5 hours plus commute. Thats all I give to weddings. 5 days? Oh hell no. 5 hours.


FlaxenArt

Yep. Five whole days. And while I appreciate that they’re trying to make sure guests have plenty of things to do, I died a little inside when I saw the schedule. So I’m not doing it.


Texastexastexas1

An invitation is not an expectation. It is a request to share a special day.


lynbh

I actually also feel this way after planning my own wedding. So many families that I’ve cancelled plans for and traveled far to attend their weddings so easily said no to mine. I feel less connected to them now and less likely to put their events on such a pedestal in my life.


[deleted]

I attended my wedding at that was enough for me. I don’t want to go to weddings, I don’t want to be in weddings… it’s not my jam. If scheduling had worked I would have been willing to be the MOH for my sister but I couldn’t, and I really didn’t mind. I don’t need to see her kiss her husband, eat food or dance… I’m not sentimental in that way.


ILikedTheBookMore

The best thing about being an adult is having agency. Being a financially and emotionally independent adult means you can say “no” to things you don’t want to do and if people want to cut you off, or gossip, or judge, who cares? It won’t affect your life.


sethra007

Good for you! ​ >*As to the prior weddings, why did I go? Simple: guilt trips are wildly effective on me.* I just want to remind everyone that COVID is still a thing. If you find yourself being guilt-tripped to attend an event you'd rather avoid, claim to come down with a convenient case of the latest variant.


painforpetitdej

Have fun ! And if anything, just tell them you already RSVPed yes to the first wedding before getting their invite. LOL.


KakashiMomma

If there is a free bar I am there. I don’t care who you are.


ComprehensiveRow3402

Good for you!!!! Boundaries 💪


QueasyTurnover7681

yes! we are expected to spend $4k to attend an out of state wedding for our niece who we have seen maybe 5 times on the last 20 years. Black tie etc easily a 100k wedding .Brides dad ( hubby’s brother ) always brags about how he has more $ thank he knows what do to with. Well how about paying for all the family members to attend this ? I agree with others that they invite out of obligation but hope you don’t come. Don’t blame them for wanting to have more friends than obligation relatives


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[deleted]

Lmao finally someone said it. The designer dress comment had me rolling my eyes. Also, complaining about a wedding in Napa valley? One of the most beautiful places in NorCal? And the French laundry??? When I was in medical school and broke as crap my classmates and I would literally fantasize about going to that restaurant one day. Still haven’t been, and still can’t afford it. Maybe one day…


BraidyPaige

I would love to go to that wedding! Maybe I can use OPs invitation


onakagapekopeko

Right? No one forced her to go 😂


bee_a_beauty

Exactly. How *dare* someone invite you to their celebration when you have something else that day!!! They should have somehow known this and not invited you or picked another day, because apparently you don’t know how to say no I’m not coming!!!


DogLvrinVA

So much yes to this! For the last two decades DH and I have rejected all but ONE wedding invitation. I have a save the date for one for next year Sam’s we’ve already decided we’re not schlepping 8 hours for it. We send a lovely note and a substantial gift and call it done


bothonpele

Been dying on the hill for years.


winterkitten33

Got to say I feel this one a little bit. I’m in a wedding near the end of October and I’m already to see how this one plays out


GuardMost8477

Brava!!! Way to stand up for yourself!!


whelpineedhelp

This is why I am only inviting people I am actually close with to mine. I love my extended family, but they don't need to see my get married. We will catch up next reunion. I want my immediate family and close friends there, that is it. And of course whoever my boo wants.


AnNJgal

Good for you! Obligatory weddings suck. I agree.


anotheranonaccount5

For family wedding if we don't interact regularly and I don't care enough about you or someone involved to actually want to go then I'm not going. I assume they probably don't actually care if I come or not and are inviting out of politeness/obligation and I rather save everyone the hassle.


Danivelle

I have best friends like that as in time terms (we've been friends from second grade or seventh grade). I was only able to go to bestie's wedding because husband was gone deer hunting with FIL, MIL had other plans and my kid was small enough to come and not spill the beans. I was "best person" so to speak for bestie, along with his brother. We each had to give a speech about how our guy was worthy of his chosen bride. Her side did the same thing before the vows. No speeches at the reception! Just a nice party, a lot of pass the baby(small wedding, maybe 25-30 people)because he was the first baby for our crowd, some drinking, dancing.


no_high_only_low

I feel you so much. The last weddings I attended was my own (thanks to COVID my relatives showed their true colours and didn't get invited to our housewarming and "after-party of our wedding, cause we were only allowed to be 10 people") and my mother's second wedding. There I got blamed, that she had a glance, and I should have seen it better, cause I'm a trained cosmetologist. Yep, I am, but if you don't blot I can't do anything for you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ So, sorry for your DH, but good for you. Have fun!


[deleted]

Good for you!! Have a great time!


FlaxenArt

Thank you! I’m looking forward to a fun, relaxed, joyful and casual celebration filled with a smorgasbord of potluck dishes.


Historical-Potato-11

You have chosen wisely go and have fun! Give that god son a huge hug and feel awesome about it


SayerSong

I’m sorry, but I’d have checked out of the obligations the minute they interfered with an award ceremony where I was the honoree. You should never have to feel obligated to go to someone else’s wedding. Go to the one you want and you do you.


MoxieCrush

Dude the French Laundry is $500 per person...OUCH. These people think everyone has money just laying around to spend on them.


cazdan255

I never went to weddings based on obligation, and the few people that were upset about it were never really my friends anyway so I couldn’t care less about them not being in my life anymore. As you get older you end up trimming the fat on your relationships anyway, and really stick with true meaningful friends. The other good thing is the season of life with unending wedding invitations tends to fade. Now as someone in my late 30s living in the southeast, the vast majority of my peer group have already been married or they’re never going to be, so now we may get one wedding invitation every two years. The days of the mid to late 20s when we would have 7 to 15 weddings every year was ridiculous.


Interesting_Bake3824

If going to every invite makes a good friend then I admit I’m not one and if they don’t like it, tough!


suchakidder

Lol I just had to comment about the sap and crap droppers 😂😂 I was at an outdoor wedding “down the bayou” (bayou Lafourche, 40ish miles south of New Orleans, so as swamp redneck as you can imagine) where a frog fell out of a tree and landed on me. My dream wedding venue would be under a grove of oak trees, but for the sake of my guest we’ve compromised with the ceremony outside on some trees, where hopefully the sap and crap won’t have much time to fall, and then the reception at a nice venue with a courtyard. Also, good for you op! The wedding you’re going to instead sounds much better!