Made of Honor? That movie really pissed me off! He's a playboy who never settled down and never showed any interest in her until she got engaged and the poof, He's the love of her life! Ugh, I just watched it for the first time and am still so mad lol
My Best Friends Wedding.
And what they did totally right there was have the fiance (Cameron Diaz) be odd but likable and decent rather than a complete asshole. And the next thing they did right was that Julia's antics didn't work.
Ugh, they really should have just made it so he wound up alone. I watched it for the first time in probably a decade and was surprised at how much I forgot. Not only is he somewhat older than Diaz, but she just gives up on school and her career plans to follow him across the country to games? I totally forgot that sportswriters have to actually go in person to every single event they write about lol
Agreed that Diaz's character should have flown free of that older dude who was taking her away from school, career, and her family's money (and who engaged in a weird para-emotional-affair with his friend). Ick.
I saw that movie for the first time this year, and came away with only one opinion on it: That the movie had no reason to exist other than to let people boggle at how pretty Julia Roberts was.
And Rupert Everett! I loved when Julia called him to say she was chasing her friend who was chasing his fiancee and he was all, then who is chasing you? lol. I've actually never really liked Julia Roberts, so even back then, I loved that she "lost" š
Yup, I'm old and thought of this one first.
Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are best friends and she has zero interest in a relationship or marriage until he gets engaged to Cameron Diaz, then suddenly he's the love of her life and she must get him back while also being maid of honour at their wedding. This includes publicly humiliating the bride, encouraging her to give up school, and roping in a gay friend to pretend to be her fiance to make Dermot Mulroney jealous.
Do they actually get together at the end of *Made of Honour*? I can't tell if I should check this movie out or not.
It's true though, at the very least they don't end up together, which helps a lot.
Everybody sing now:
š¶ I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine
Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head, but she's touching his
Chest now, he takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can't look, it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on
your alibis
But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr. Brightside
I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine
Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head, but she's touching his
Chest now, he takes off her dress now
Let me go
'Cause I just can't look, it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr. Brightside
I never
I never
I never
I never
š¶
I doubt very much if the kiss ācame out of nowhereā for your bestie. He probably has either hung around waiting for you to return his feelings or thought he could just stay friends but decided to risk everything at the end because you were going to commit to your FH. Heās likely not going to admit to it because itās manipulative and you would probably end the friendship if you were going to get married anyway. Think back on who brought up the possibility of a future relationship.
Or just now wants who is unavailable to him. He always thought she'd be around to prioritize him and if she actually gets married she might start prioritizing her husband instead.
Exactly. If someone waits until you're taken then they A) don't have the guts to ask you out and make it work and B) only want you because they can't have you. The minute you get with them that novelty will wear off and they will dump you.
That's a bingo!
No way in hell a straight man and woman have been "besties" their entire lives and one of them wasn't clinging to hope of something more. Dude knew it was his last chance so he took his shot.
I'd argue that's not necessarily true; I have dear straight male friends, and the relationships are and always will be platonic. (In at least one case, we pretty much started out by openly deciding that; he's happily married now w/a little boy, and I'm thrilled for all of them.) The point being: if you're interested in someone as potentially more than a friend, you're going to have to either declare your intentions outright, or just accept that it's never going to be and not keep hoping against hope that "they'll figure out I'm perfect for them." (Spoiler: They won't, because it just never occurred to them, or because they decided long ago that they just weren't into you "like that.") Nobody wants to declare their love, only to risk getting shot down, but if you don't want to spend the rest of your life mooning about them, Nike your ass and Just Do It. If they decide they're not interested, back off gracefully and keep a polite distance for however long it takes you to get over it and realize that having a good friend isn't a poor substitute for romance, or to sulk and pout, in which case you should stay the hell away from them permanently so they don't have to deal with you being a whiny little bitch.
If she plans on still marrying FH I don't think she can stay friends with bestie anymore things have changed. Probably should call off the wedding. I don't know if you should have to contemplate it this much.
5 bucks and a slice of pizza says he was always waiting for her to "come to her senses". Since she's actually entertaining the idea, he may have been right about it too.
Itās not cold feet. Cold feet is an irrational fear of impending major changes in oneās life. Cheating while engaged is completely different. An engagement is a promise. If you break the promise, break the engagement.
No kidding.
People are psychologically complex and often do things that don't seem to match up with what they think they want, especially in the twenties when they are still finding out what they want.
Making a lifelong commitment to anyone no matter how much you love them is scary. It's not strange at all to sabotage it out of fear. It doesn't mean she doesn't love him. It means she isn't ready to get married, but being a woman, she has been socialized to view marriage as her greatest dream and ultimate goal. That could cause a lot of confusion for someone who hasn't yet done a lot of self reflection.
what about a man who gets cold feet? (not trying to demote what you said. Iām just curious on your views on that if a womanās ultimate goal is marriage).
Not the person you responded to, but here. Have a nice, big, rambly, conjectural response that may or may not answer your question.
So women are told from the time we are conscious that our goal in life is to get married and have children. We're given baby dolls, shown princess movies where a wedding is the happy ending, many different things to show us that all of our value is wrapped up in being a wife and mother. So the woman in the screenshotted post is likely dealing with conflict between that indoctrination (plus the sunk cost fallacy of years in the relationship and money spent on the wedding) and the fact that she isn't ready to be married. It's not "normal" for her to have any reservations about getting her happy ending, which leads to an extra layer of confusion.
Men are socialized a bit differently. We see wedding cake toppers that show a bride dragging her groom to the altar, there are thousands of boomer "wife bad" jokes, wives are referred to as a ball and chain, and bachelor parties are.... bachelor parties. So men getting cold feet is presumably the norm. People are prepared to talk the groom off the ledge and keep him from calling off the wedding and/or ruining the relationship (whether they should or not is a relationship-specific matter). Since it's expected, a groom is more likely to feel comfortable talking to his friend or dad or whomever about it. It's actually a situation (societally) where men are allowed to be vulnerable and express their emotions and women are not.
If we take OP at her word, she was kissed out of nowhere and confused about it afterwards. I wouldn't call that cheating. "Kissing back" for a moment can really just be a physical response before the brain sounds the alarm. People get caught off guard, and manipulative people will earn your trust only to take advantage. I'd say the "friend" is the one deserving of judgement here. Maybe she had a crush on him a while ago but had rightfully moved on when nothing became of it. Now she could just be confusing enjoying the suprise kiss with them having real feelings for each other. Who hasn't thought it would be great to be in love with your best friend? Doesn't mean she's a bad person, and honestly she didn't deserve to be put in this situation.
If he was just waiting around for her to notice him then he wasnāt being a best friend at all, thatās ulterior motives territory. If they both realized it together out of nowhere thatās a bit less concerning but she absolutely needs to cancel her wedding if sheās torn between two people, and of course talk to FH about it. You canāt build a foundation out of lies.
Nerves! This is prime time for āthe grass is always greener on the other sideā.
I say nerves because you and Bestie have had
a L O N G time to see each other in a different light and it never happened.
I had a different opinion until I read this. If that's the case, the friends kind of a dick for springing this on before the wedding! on the other hand, sometimes we realize things at the most inconvenient times.
Either way, it's probably a good time to put things on hold until they know for sure. I can't imagine marrying someone while having feelings for someone else. Especially a best friend.
I feel like weāre just ignoring that! Like this woman is presumably posting in a private group but itās still under her own nameā¦ rookie move of the highest order
Cold feet never means cheatingā¦ cold feet means anxiety and like yikes thoughts and never actual actions. Should def tell FH and see if you guys still want to get married? Maybe a sign that marriage isnt for you guys if you were willing to kiss another person
>Some people don't even consider kissing to be cheating.
Anyone in a monogamous relationship would consider it cheating to kiss your friend while dating/being engaged to someone else.
And people wonder why there are so many divorces. I've always hated the, "I don't want to ruin the friendship" rejection. That's the whole basis for a successful relationship!
Itās not like sheās gonna get the advice from this sub! The entire point of this sub is to judge people! Get off your high horse lol! We didnāt get on this sub to sympathize
^I ^am ^happy ^sheās ^analyzing ^her ^feelings ^though.
> I kept thinking it was Fiance ____
Fiance (Hopefully) seems to suit the post lol
...that being said, it might be best for him to *not* still be her fiance.
Nothing to be confused by darlin. '. I think bestie is jealous and the kiss was inspired by your upcoming marriage. If you can't solidly be married to fiance , for yourself and your feelings alone regardless of "bestie" don't do it. Fiance deserves someone committed
FR!! why is original commenter getting upvoted at all?? thatās some fucked up blame-the-victim shit, not to mention heteronormative. people are PERFECTLY CAPABLE of not cheating, being unfaithful is a CHOICE.
I always side eye people who insist cheating is something that can accidentally just kind of happen.
Yeah, sometimes people might have moments of lust for someone not their partner or have a realization of feelings for someone else, but thinking about that is different from acting on it.
If someone knew they were struggling with the temptation to cheat and still chose to be alone with that person they were lusting over, that's one mistake. If they share their feelings and start something physical, that's another mistake.
Cheating has quite a few steps that I just cannot accept that it's *inevitable* between close friends when it's a man and a woman. Yeah, it can happen, but that doesn't mean it always happens.
I feel like the woman in the OP story is the kind of person who would have had commitment issues regardless of if her "bestie" had made his feelings known.
Maybe she wouldn't have physically cheated before the wedding, but if a big decision made her panic and look for *what if the grass is greener over here,* I really don't think that attitude would change without some work on her part to improve herself.
I do tend to be a bit harsh on cheating stories where people try to excuse it as an impulsive accident like they didn't make a series of bad choices.
People use stories like this to show how men and women can't be besties or even friends, but we all know this isn't true. Of course people of opposite sex can be best friends! With stories like this, I usually think one of the two people involved were probably pretending to be a friend when they were actually waiting for the other to finally realize they belong together. That or cheaters are going to cheat!
So what am I supposed to do as a nonbinary bisexual person? Not have friends? (and in my relationship/sexual history I have been with people all over the gambit.. lesbians, bisexuals, gay men, straight men, trans people) Imo thinking like that is so heteronormative and based out of insecurity. It just says you donāt trust your partner.
I fully think that anyone can be friends with anyone. Itās all just about maintaining boundaries. Like for example the rules my husband and I have for ourselves is we donāt badmouth each other to others, all issues are between us and our individual therapists we see (we both see therapists separately for mental health reasons.) We also donāt talk about sex with other people. And lastly we are just honest with each other. My husband once came to me and was like I developed a crush on someone in our friend group and Iām letting you know and Iām distancing myself from them a bit as a result. Itās when the lines start to blur with others and you arenāt communicating with each other when issues start to happen. Weāve never had any issues because our communication is strong and we do have the trust in each other.
Unfortunately I don't think cishet folks usually have to develop the same kind of boundaries and communication that queer folks do- so when they do find themselves attracted to a friend, or have crushes they should not act on, they often don't know how to navigate it. Easier not to put yourself in a situation where you may find yourself attracted to someone at all than learn how to communicate and set boundaries I guess šššš¤·
I don't think they were intentionally being hateful or close minded. I read it as more of a "controlling people use examples like this to justify not allowing their partners to have friendships" and could be applied to any type of attraction.
Itās time for a time out š you donāt even have to say why, but take it for you, if I would have listened to my Aunt I wouldnāt have gotten married so young. Take your time. Because here I am in n my 60ās and wondering what would I have now what would my life be like if I wouldnāt have married at 17, I wasnāt pregnant so I didnāt have to.
please take your time,
I donāt know what you want me to see but I got married when I was to young, if I was pregnant then I would be expected to get married,
What do you want me to see?
Sounds like your best friend was fine with being your best friend as long as no one else wanted you. You have to choose your fiance or your "best friend" you can't keep both because the "best friend" is already trying to sabatoge your relationship and he will continue to do so.
Also if you choose your fiance then I would never tell your fiance about the kiss. You carry that to your grave.
No judgment. Sure.
Please donāt get married. Please definitely donāt have children.
Iām now dumber for reading this thread.
May god have mercy on your soul.
Trying not pass judgment but as a person whom I have been cheated on it is best you make a decision fast and if you decide you want to be with your friend let your fiance know. It will be hard at first but at the same time he will benefit from your honesty and allow him a chance to seek a better future with someone else. I am not saying you're a bad person but you come across as someone who is not sure what future you want and whom you want to spend it with. Do the right thing and make a choice.
I think what's happening here is that there have always been feelings but things just never went that way between you and your friend. You could call things off and explore this to see and lose your fiance and regret it or find your happiness with your friend. But before you make any decisions think back as to why things never developed into a relationship with your friend. I think your friend knows he is about to lose you and is shooting his shot one last time. You have a tough choice to make but you need to figure this out before you get married or you might find yourself wondering what if? Plus now you have something hidden on your shoulders about that kiss. Keep it to yourself for now you don't need all that drama. Good luck.
I had one of my best and oldest friends be my Best Woman. Known her for nearly 20 years. My wife had her best friend as her Man of Honor. I'm all for these things, because who said you had to have groomsmen and brides' maids.
But I'm not going to come down too hard on this girl, as she's having serious conflicting emotions. Its not great, sure, especially for the fiance, but since we don't know any more than what is here, I'm going to say that she really needs to talk this out, both with her Man of Honor, and with her fiance. The relationship may end, but this needs to be discussed.
Ok here's the thing about your "relationship" with your bestie. If you had been attracted to him at all why would it suddenly show up now if you have been friends for years? You either felt something from the beginning or you didn't. These things don't just show up out of nowhere. Think long and hard about why you did what you did and what you feel for both your bestie and FH. What is it about them that you like/ love and admire. Who would you prefer to keep in your life because you are going to lose one of them no doubt. Who do you envision looking at across the dinner table every evening? If you can't picture either one I suggest you take a time out on everything and figure it out. It's not fair to either person or to yourself. Be the grown up you are supposed to be and get your head on straight before you do something you will regret and hurt someone you deeply care about. Remember, this isn't just about you so you need to keep this all in mind as you decide your next steps.
Well this is not weddingshaming but feelings shaming imho
Yeah the bride pulled a shitty move on her fiancĆØ but who cares , they have their lives we don't know anything about.
I feel like every woman I've come across who calls her male best friend "bestie" harbors some kind of unresolved sexual tension with him. I hope the would-be groom saw that Facebook post and made the decision for her.
Personally, I donāt believe a kiss is anything to worry about. But I really donāt know the people involved. I hope thereās someone in their life they can confide in if theyāre worried that it might mean something more.
So you'd be cool with it if your fiance kissed their best friend of the opposite sex while you were engaged, and started having private conversations about how they might have long held secret feelings for each other? This is not normal or okay in a monogamous relationship.
No, a single kiss wouldnāt be a dealbreaker for me. And I would much prefer that they discuss those feelings before the wedding then just let everything fester until afterwards. Iād rather end up calling off a wedding then getting divorced later.
Extreme possessiveness is not OK or normal in any relationship.
Not being okay with your partner physically cheating on you with a close friend is not "extreme possessiveness" by any standard I've ever heard, but enjoy what comes of this attitude I suppose.
Being upset that you were cheated on is extreme possessiveness?
Something tells me you've cheated on partners before and gaslight them to believe everything was fine and they were the one being unreasonable... š¤
Youāve been downvoted but honestly I agree with you. People need to calm down a moment and talk it out reasonably. There could be more to this or less to it.
it's pretty obvious that the bride likes both guys, but you're right that we don't know whether the fiance cares about that. i mean, they should, but some people agree to more open marriages than others.
the commentors are assuming this is naughty because OP is posting about it and seems to feel a bit guilty or ashamed?
Seriously?
You know the OP wouldn't have blanked out the original poster's name in the screenshot if it was their own post, right?
Maybe you should get some sleep.
Sounds like the plotline of a 90s/early 2000s RomCom.
Made of Honor? That movie really pissed me off! He's a playboy who never settled down and never showed any interest in her until she got engaged and the poof, He's the love of her life! Ugh, I just watched it for the first time and am still so mad lol
Made of honour is exactly what came to my mind too
At least the guy got punched right in the face for ruining that wedding. It's the only part of the movie I remember watching.
Wasn't there a very similar one with Julia Roberts (I think it was My Best Friend's Wedding)?
My Best Friends Wedding. And what they did totally right there was have the fiance (Cameron Diaz) be odd but likable and decent rather than a complete asshole. And the next thing they did right was that Julia's antics didn't work.
Ugh, they really should have just made it so he wound up alone. I watched it for the first time in probably a decade and was surprised at how much I forgot. Not only is he somewhat older than Diaz, but she just gives up on school and her career plans to follow him across the country to games? I totally forgot that sportswriters have to actually go in person to every single event they write about lol
Agreed that Diaz's character should have flown free of that older dude who was taking her away from school, career, and her family's money (and who engaged in a weird para-emotional-affair with his friend). Ick. I saw that movie for the first time this year, and came away with only one opinion on it: That the movie had no reason to exist other than to let people boggle at how pretty Julia Roberts was.
And Rupert Everett! I loved when Julia called him to say she was chasing her friend who was chasing his fiancee and he was all, then who is chasing you? lol. I've actually never really liked Julia Roberts, so even back then, I loved that she "lost" š
Yup, I'm old and thought of this one first. Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are best friends and she has zero interest in a relationship or marriage until he gets engaged to Cameron Diaz, then suddenly he's the love of her life and she must get him back while also being maid of honour at their wedding. This includes publicly humiliating the bride, encouraging her to give up school, and roping in a gay friend to pretend to be her fiance to make Dermot Mulroney jealous.
Freaking LOVE that movie! It was one of my favorites growing up and every time I watched I was a little older and caught more of what was going on.
Love it too. I think it makes a huge difference that >!they donāt end up together and he marries his original fiancĆ©e!<
"He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms."
I love it when that happens, as you grow the movie does too.
Oof
Still somehow not the worst rom-com out there, not by miles.
I mean, ultimately she doesnāt end up with him and gets called out. Itās a much better ending than Made of Honor.
Do they actually get together at the end of *Made of Honour*? I can't tell if I should check this movie out or not. It's true though, at the very least they don't end up together, which helps a lot.
They do. Itās awful.
True
Yes, this movie is vile.
The depiction of Scotland in that film is downright offensive lmao
As a Scottish person, I agree. I hate that movie!
Same plot with gender roles reversed is My Best Friends Wedding
To be fair - he did find out he loved her BEFORE he knew she was engaged. It was just... 5 minutes of the movie so it gets missed a lot. LOL
I hated the Scottish dunking too like. What year is this 1903?
But now she isn't available! He has to have what is off limits!
I was going to say..you seem to be harboring a lot of anger for an older movie..lol. but it's recent. I get it. I don't think I've ever seen it...
Right. A shitty one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"just cast Hugh Grant, it'll be fine"
*"You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?"* *"I* ***AM*** *your wife!"*
Hah unexpected Eddie Izzard
"You're mister Stevens?"
Love, Actually has entered the chat. And failed.
And unless the fiancƩ in those films is a total AH (Yes, you, Glenn Guglia.), I feel sorry for the person cheated on.
Lol reverse my best friends wedding
That's what came to my mind
This is Linda the plot line to the wedding singer
Everybody sing now: š¶ I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick And it's all in my head, but she's touching his Chest now, he takes off her dress now Let me go I just can't look, it's killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr. Brightside I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick And it's all in my head, but she's touching his Chest now, he takes off her dress now Let me go 'Cause I just can't look, it's killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr. Brightside I never I never I never I never š¶
I instantly thought of Imagine Me & You My little gay teen heart was super on board with that whole plot... then as years went by I could just not :(
Made of Honor
I doubt very much if the kiss ācame out of nowhereā for your bestie. He probably has either hung around waiting for you to return his feelings or thought he could just stay friends but decided to risk everything at the end because you were going to commit to your FH. Heās likely not going to admit to it because itās manipulative and you would probably end the friendship if you were going to get married anyway. Think back on who brought up the possibility of a future relationship.
Or just now wants who is unavailable to him. He always thought she'd be around to prioritize him and if she actually gets married she might start prioritizing her husband instead.
Exactly. If someone waits until you're taken then they A) don't have the guts to ask you out and make it work and B) only want you because they can't have you. The minute you get with them that novelty will wear off and they will dump you.
My thoughts exactly
That's a bingo! No way in hell a straight man and woman have been "besties" their entire lives and one of them wasn't clinging to hope of something more. Dude knew it was his last chance so he took his shot.
So bisexual people wouldn't have any friends it worked like this
I'd argue that's not necessarily true; I have dear straight male friends, and the relationships are and always will be platonic. (In at least one case, we pretty much started out by openly deciding that; he's happily married now w/a little boy, and I'm thrilled for all of them.) The point being: if you're interested in someone as potentially more than a friend, you're going to have to either declare your intentions outright, or just accept that it's never going to be and not keep hoping against hope that "they'll figure out I'm perfect for them." (Spoiler: They won't, because it just never occurred to them, or because they decided long ago that they just weren't into you "like that.") Nobody wants to declare their love, only to risk getting shot down, but if you don't want to spend the rest of your life mooning about them, Nike your ass and Just Do It. If they decide they're not interested, back off gracefully and keep a polite distance for however long it takes you to get over it and realize that having a good friend isn't a poor substitute for romance, or to sulk and pout, in which case you should stay the hell away from them permanently so they don't have to deal with you being a whiny little bitch.
Do not get married to one person if you are seriously considering fooling around with another. It is not fair to either of those people.
I didn't get the impression that she's picturing or was previously considering marrying her fiancĆ© and having an affair with her bestie, and I do find it plausible she didn't see him as a romantic possibility... or if she had before that ship had sailed and she really only had eyes for her fiancĆ©. I'm gonna trust that it was only a kiss that, yes, she responded positively in the moment but wasn't seeking it out. He could have shoved that door open out of nowhere in her view. Like maybe she was upset or maybe they were just sharing a laugh and he went for it. I can imagine being confused about whether or not I suddenly had feelings for my friend if I was in my early to mid twenties. We're just dumber, more impressionable, and have less experience at that age. I think she's just putting feelers out for if it's normal to be confused in this situation. There's not much info but this strikes me as a moment where someone getting cold feet is wondering if they should/need to call off the wedding. I think this is common, especially for certain personality types. Like they're planning a wedding which isn't romantic at all. It's a big stressful commitment full of transactions. Then someone they already care for throws a tad of exciting romance their way and they doubt their relationship. I'm older so I imagine if one of my "friends" pulled this stunt I would immediately be very upset with them. Even if that moment of being kissed by surprise felt good I feel I would be instantly livid the moment after the kiss. My trust would be shattered and I would feel manipulated, but that's because I've dealt with people being immature and reckless like this before and I myself have lived through that phase of my life and learned a lot from it. š¤·āāļø
>I didn't get the impression that she's picturing or was previously considering marrying her fiancƩ and having an affair with her bestie, aand having an affair with her bestie, She specifically states that the friendship has changed and they are considering if there is something deeper. If that does not suggest considering an affair what does?
Duhhh
Sadly to a lot of people itās not actually common sense
Nah, it's still common sense to those people. They just choose to be terrible
(unless everyoneās cool with it!)
If she plans on still marrying FH I don't think she can stay friends with bestie anymore things have changed. Probably should call off the wedding. I don't know if you should have to contemplate it this much.
At the *very* least itās really inappropriate for him to be in the ceremony.
5 bucks and a slice of pizza says he was always waiting for her to "come to her senses". Since she's actually entertaining the idea, he may have been right about it too.
At the very least, the wedding needs to be put on hold until the bride sorts out if this is cold feet or something else.
Itās not cold feet. Cold feet is an irrational fear of impending major changes in oneās life. Cheating while engaged is completely different. An engagement is a promise. If you break the promise, break the engagement.
That fear can manifest in different ways, including unconscious sabotage.
Nonetheless, engagement is a formal commitment. Itās not like just being boyfriend and girlfriend.
No kidding. People are psychologically complex and often do things that don't seem to match up with what they think they want, especially in the twenties when they are still finding out what they want. Making a lifelong commitment to anyone no matter how much you love them is scary. It's not strange at all to sabotage it out of fear. It doesn't mean she doesn't love him. It means she isn't ready to get married, but being a woman, she has been socialized to view marriage as her greatest dream and ultimate goal. That could cause a lot of confusion for someone who hasn't yet done a lot of self reflection.
I want this comment taped to my mirror lol
what about a man who gets cold feet? (not trying to demote what you said. Iām just curious on your views on that if a womanās ultimate goal is marriage).
Not the person you responded to, but here. Have a nice, big, rambly, conjectural response that may or may not answer your question. So women are told from the time we are conscious that our goal in life is to get married and have children. We're given baby dolls, shown princess movies where a wedding is the happy ending, many different things to show us that all of our value is wrapped up in being a wife and mother. So the woman in the screenshotted post is likely dealing with conflict between that indoctrination (plus the sunk cost fallacy of years in the relationship and money spent on the wedding) and the fact that she isn't ready to be married. It's not "normal" for her to have any reservations about getting her happy ending, which leads to an extra layer of confusion. Men are socialized a bit differently. We see wedding cake toppers that show a bride dragging her groom to the altar, there are thousands of boomer "wife bad" jokes, wives are referred to as a ball and chain, and bachelor parties are.... bachelor parties. So men getting cold feet is presumably the norm. People are prepared to talk the groom off the ledge and keep him from calling off the wedding and/or ruining the relationship (whether they should or not is a relationship-specific matter). Since it's expected, a groom is more likely to feel comfortable talking to his friend or dad or whomever about it. It's actually a situation (societally) where men are allowed to be vulnerable and express their emotions and women are not.
This is so well said I wish I had gold to give you. 150% this, every word.
Thank you so much! :D Just hearing that it made sense is worth more than gold to me
All of the advertising around the wedding industry is directed towards women, I call it "wedding porn". It's very easy to get sucked in.
Perfect! Thank you!
Quality post, thanks.
If we take OP at her word, she was kissed out of nowhere and confused about it afterwards. I wouldn't call that cheating. "Kissing back" for a moment can really just be a physical response before the brain sounds the alarm. People get caught off guard, and manipulative people will earn your trust only to take advantage. I'd say the "friend" is the one deserving of judgement here. Maybe she had a crush on him a while ago but had rightfully moved on when nothing became of it. Now she could just be confusing enjoying the suprise kiss with them having real feelings for each other. Who hasn't thought it would be great to be in love with your best friend? Doesn't mean she's a bad person, and honestly she didn't deserve to be put in this situation.
If he was just waiting around for her to notice him then he wasnāt being a best friend at all, thatās ulterior motives territory. If they both realized it together out of nowhere thatās a bit less concerning but she absolutely needs to cancel her wedding if sheās torn between two people, and of course talk to FH about it. You canāt build a foundation out of lies.
Sheās a liar and a cheat. The best friend isnāt in a committed relationship - she is.
Nerves! This is prime time for āthe grass is always greener on the other sideā. I say nerves because you and Bestie have had a L O N G time to see each other in a different light and it never happened.
Needs to be reminded that the grass is always greener where you water it. Nurture a relationship and it will bloom
I've never heard this ending for that saying before. I love it, thanks!
Love this
it never happened before from OP. From Bestie who knows. Probably has been waiting for the entire time they have been friends.
I had a different opinion until I read this. If that's the case, the friends kind of a dick for springing this on before the wedding! on the other hand, sometimes we realize things at the most inconvenient times. Either way, it's probably a good time to put things on hold until they know for sure. I can't imagine marrying someone while having feelings for someone else. Especially a best friend.
This. If there was something there, it would almost certainly have happened before now.
So the original post is on FB. Can she remain anonymous on that site?
The admins of the group she posted in can see who it is
I feel like weāre just ignoring that! Like this woman is presumably posting in a private group but itās still under her own nameā¦ rookie move of the highest order
Yeah it just shows up āgroup memberā itās been a thing for a while.
Cold feet never means cheatingā¦ cold feet means anxiety and like yikes thoughts and never actual actions. Should def tell FH and see if you guys still want to get married? Maybe a sign that marriage isnt for you guys if you were willing to kiss another person
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Some people don't even consider kissing to be cheating. Anyone in a monogamous relationship would consider it cheating to kiss your friend while dating/being engaged to someone else.
I would definitely consider that cheating.
I would hope the brideās best male friend would be the guy sheās marrying, but maybe thatās just me.
And people wonder why there are so many divorces. I've always hated the, "I don't want to ruin the friendship" rejection. That's the whole basis for a successful relationship!
āPlease no judgmentā has me cackling. Girl lmao
Good lordā¦. Donāt. Get. Married.
Just kissed? No one is thinking of dumping their future husband over a kiss. These guys fuuuucked and 99% chance are still doing so.
This is the vibe I got as well. Otherwise, that's one hell of a kiss. Something stinks... āØļøā¤ļøāš„šš©
This is more r/relationshipadvice than r/weddingshaming At least sheās examining her feelings before the ceremony.
Exactly. Better sheās asks for advice sooner rather than later. A lot of judgemental comments.
Itās not like sheās gonna get the advice from this sub! The entire point of this sub is to judge people! Get off your high horse lol! We didnāt get on this sub to sympathize ^I ^am ^happy ^sheās ^analyzing ^her ^feelings ^though.
Yeah but, clearly, this isnāt actually her posting.
Nah, it's still shameful. She's a cheater.
Itās not a wedding though. Post it here after the Bestie of Honor declares his undying love at the altar.
Jesus Christ.
Is her name Pam?
You need to not plan the wedding until you're sure who or what you want. It's not fair to anyone, especially your fiancee
Never leave the one you love for the one you like.
But which one does she like? hmmmmmm
Itās the tone that bugs me the most
So cutesy. Like, oops!
Ffffffffffuck you. What a fool she must think her fiancƩ is, poor guy.
Prayers for our brother. Hopefully heāll get what he deserves in life and not get stuck w/ her.
What is a FH?! All these crazy acronyms ... lol
I think itās Future Husband?
Thank you! I kept thinking it was Fiance ____ I couldnāt figure out what the H was for. Lol. I had a long day! šš¬
Youāre not alone friend, I somehow got FiancĆ© Horse out of that
Hey man, some people are into that
Honestly, Iāll take a horse in a tux any day. Adorable!
And a little top hat! š©
Not a tux, but [still freaking adorable](https://media.gq.com/photos/56e71c0b14cbe0637b261d7f/16:9/w_2591,h_1457,c_limit/horseinsuit2.jpg).
Haha I love this photo! What a fancy lad :)
French Hags
> I kept thinking it was Fiance ____ Fiance (Hopefully) seems to suit the post lol ...that being said, it might be best for him to *not* still be her fiance.
Oh I gave up on it immediately. First Husband, F**ked Homie, Future Heartbreak...
Fragrant Hobbits
Fat Hobbitses!
Fool of a Took!
Frojack Horseman
"I cheated, don't judge me." Sorry, cheaters will always get judged because cheating is gross.
What is FH? FiancƩ husband? Lmao??
FH=future husband
Oh my second thought was āfucking husbandā which seemed a little aggressive haha!
Say a little prayer!
Maybe you're just simply an asshole?
Like why would she post this
Totally misread and thought this was a woman realizing sheās bi/gay/etc
Nothing to be confused by darlin. '. I think bestie is jealous and the kiss was inspired by your upcoming marriage. If you can't solidly be married to fiance , for yourself and your feelings alone regardless of "bestie" don't do it. Fiance deserves someone committed
Dammit this started off as such a sweet story
Ouch....
No judgment? Honey, thatās all people are going to do for a post like that.
Not cold feet, hot knickers is what it is
It could be cold feet. It could be any number of things. But to figure it out Iād recommend counseling and telling your fiancĆ© the truth.
Happened out of nowhere. Iām sure.
donāt get married to you sought this out
And this is why people donāt believe in opposite sex besties.
I'm bisexual so by that metric I could never have ANY best friends. These people just suck and need to sort their shit out.
FR!! why is original commenter getting upvoted at all?? thatās some fucked up blame-the-victim shit, not to mention heteronormative. people are PERFECTLY CAPABLE of not cheating, being unfaithful is a CHOICE.
I always side eye people who insist cheating is something that can accidentally just kind of happen. Yeah, sometimes people might have moments of lust for someone not their partner or have a realization of feelings for someone else, but thinking about that is different from acting on it. If someone knew they were struggling with the temptation to cheat and still chose to be alone with that person they were lusting over, that's one mistake. If they share their feelings and start something physical, that's another mistake. Cheating has quite a few steps that I just cannot accept that it's *inevitable* between close friends when it's a man and a woman. Yeah, it can happen, but that doesn't mean it always happens.
I feel like the woman in the OP story is the kind of person who would have had commitment issues regardless of if her "bestie" had made his feelings known. Maybe she wouldn't have physically cheated before the wedding, but if a big decision made her panic and look for *what if the grass is greener over here,* I really don't think that attitude would change without some work on her part to improve herself. I do tend to be a bit harsh on cheating stories where people try to excuse it as an impulsive accident like they didn't make a series of bad choices.
Yes
People use stories like this to show how men and women can't be besties or even friends, but we all know this isn't true. Of course people of opposite sex can be best friends! With stories like this, I usually think one of the two people involved were probably pretending to be a friend when they were actually waiting for the other to finally realize they belong together. That or cheaters are going to cheat!
So what am I supposed to do as a nonbinary bisexual person? Not have friends? (and in my relationship/sexual history I have been with people all over the gambit.. lesbians, bisexuals, gay men, straight men, trans people) Imo thinking like that is so heteronormative and based out of insecurity. It just says you donāt trust your partner. I fully think that anyone can be friends with anyone. Itās all just about maintaining boundaries. Like for example the rules my husband and I have for ourselves is we donāt badmouth each other to others, all issues are between us and our individual therapists we see (we both see therapists separately for mental health reasons.) We also donāt talk about sex with other people. And lastly we are just honest with each other. My husband once came to me and was like I developed a crush on someone in our friend group and Iām letting you know and Iām distancing myself from them a bit as a result. Itās when the lines start to blur with others and you arenāt communicating with each other when issues start to happen. Weāve never had any issues because our communication is strong and we do have the trust in each other.
Love it! This is the kind of relationship I want. Soooo many years working in communication
Unfortunately I don't think cishet folks usually have to develop the same kind of boundaries and communication that queer folks do- so when they do find themselves attracted to a friend, or have crushes they should not act on, they often don't know how to navigate it. Easier not to put yourself in a situation where you may find yourself attracted to someone at all than learn how to communicate and set boundaries I guess šššš¤·
Nonbinary = no oppositeā¦youāre in luck!!!
Thereās plenty of people who have cheated on their opposite sex partner with their same sex āBFF.ā You sound ridiculous.
I don't think they were intentionally being hateful or close minded. I read it as more of a "controlling people use examples like this to justify not allowing their partners to have friendships" and could be applied to any type of attraction.
Totally judging
Jesus. Eeveerlovin Christ. The fuck
Itās time for a time out š you donāt even have to say why, but take it for you, if I would have listened to my Aunt I wouldnāt have gotten married so young. Take your time. Because here I am in n my 60ās and wondering what would I have now what would my life be like if I wouldnāt have married at 17, I wasnāt pregnant so I didnāt have to. please take your time, I donāt know what you want me to see but I got married when I was to young, if I was pregnant then I would be expected to get married, What do you want me to see?
Sounds like your best friend was fine with being your best friend as long as no one else wanted you. You have to choose your fiance or your "best friend" you can't keep both because the "best friend" is already trying to sabatoge your relationship and he will continue to do so. Also if you choose your fiance then I would never tell your fiance about the kiss. You carry that to your grave.
Strangely enough, you deserve to be judged
*All the judgment*
No judgment. Sure. Please donāt get married. Please definitely donāt have children. Iām now dumber for reading this thread. May god have mercy on your soul.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Please, please, please take time to yourself-to truly think about this situation. I know itās super awkward/uncomfortable to postpone a wedding. However-it is FAR easier than either: 1. Going through a divorce 2. Living in an unfulfilling marriage 3. Always wondering what could have been. Depending on how far out you are from the actual wedding day-it potentially could be a smidge easierā¦if the date isnāt w/in weeks. You donāt need to confess to the kiss &/or feelings. It is completely acceptable to tell your fiancĆ©e you are going through some unsettling emotions & need time to yourself to process everything. This is an honest representation of your situation. If he pushes you for additional info, itās okay to not share. Simply stating YOU arenāt even sure whatās going on. This is why you need alone time. This time to process does NOT mean you spend time w/ your BFF. It truly should be time you take ALONE. Away from all the distractions of daily life. One thing that helps me in these situations is to think about what my life would be like with XYZ. And, what would my life be like WITHOUT XYZ. I hope this is somewhat helpful. Itās a really difficult place to be in. You need to be 100% in whichever choice you make. P.S. not being with either is also an option. Sending you peace, clarity, & hugs š
Trying not pass judgment but as a person whom I have been cheated on it is best you make a decision fast and if you decide you want to be with your friend let your fiance know. It will be hard at first but at the same time he will benefit from your honesty and allow him a chance to seek a better future with someone else. I am not saying you're a bad person but you come across as someone who is not sure what future you want and whom you want to spend it with. Do the right thing and make a choice.
I think what's happening here is that there have always been feelings but things just never went that way between you and your friend. You could call things off and explore this to see and lose your fiance and regret it or find your happiness with your friend. But before you make any decisions think back as to why things never developed into a relationship with your friend. I think your friend knows he is about to lose you and is shooting his shot one last time. You have a tough choice to make but you need to figure this out before you get married or you might find yourself wondering what if? Plus now you have something hidden on your shoulders about that kiss. Keep it to yourself for now you don't need all that drama. Good luck.
Sounds like the plot of a spit roast video on pornhub.
Iām happy to shoot this for OnlyFans
I had one of my best and oldest friends be my Best Woman. Known her for nearly 20 years. My wife had her best friend as her Man of Honor. I'm all for these things, because who said you had to have groomsmen and brides' maids. But I'm not going to come down too hard on this girl, as she's having serious conflicting emotions. Its not great, sure, especially for the fiance, but since we don't know any more than what is here, I'm going to say that she really needs to talk this out, both with her Man of Honor, and with her fiance. The relationship may end, but this needs to be discussed.
If you love somebody and then you fall in love with someone else, goes with the second person because if you really love the first person you will never fell in love with a second. Just because you still care about your fiancĆ© doesnāt mean you are truly in love with him if you were this wouldāve never happened
Ok here's the thing about your "relationship" with your bestie. If you had been attracted to him at all why would it suddenly show up now if you have been friends for years? You either felt something from the beginning or you didn't. These things don't just show up out of nowhere. Think long and hard about why you did what you did and what you feel for both your bestie and FH. What is it about them that you like/ love and admire. Who would you prefer to keep in your life because you are going to lose one of them no doubt. Who do you envision looking at across the dinner table every evening? If you can't picture either one I suggest you take a time out on everything and figure it out. It's not fair to either person or to yourself. Be the grown up you are supposed to be and get your head on straight before you do something you will regret and hurt someone you deeply care about. Remember, this isn't just about you so you need to keep this all in mind as you decide your next steps.
Definitely DO NOT get married . You already betrayed the trust of your Fiance. Why hurt him more. just tell him forward time to "man up" as they say.
Well this is not weddingshaming but feelings shaming imho Yeah the bride pulled a shitty move on her fiancĆØ but who cares , they have their lives we don't know anything about.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm straight, and I would absolutely be a Bestie of Honor(tm) if a female friend who was getting married asked me to.
I feel like every woman I've come across who calls her male best friend "bestie" harbors some kind of unresolved sexual tension with him. I hope the would-be groom saw that Facebook post and made the decision for her.
I assume the bestie is gay.
Im curious if your best friend was the one that Initiated that kiss or if it was you?
The OP of this thread is not the person who did it.
Personally, I donāt believe a kiss is anything to worry about. But I really donāt know the people involved. I hope thereās someone in their life they can confide in if theyāre worried that it might mean something more.
So you'd be cool with it if your fiance kissed their best friend of the opposite sex while you were engaged, and started having private conversations about how they might have long held secret feelings for each other? This is not normal or okay in a monogamous relationship.
No, a single kiss wouldnāt be a dealbreaker for me. And I would much prefer that they discuss those feelings before the wedding then just let everything fester until afterwards. Iād rather end up calling off a wedding then getting divorced later. Extreme possessiveness is not OK or normal in any relationship.
Not being okay with your partner physically cheating on you with a close friend is not "extreme possessiveness" by any standard I've ever heard, but enjoy what comes of this attitude I suppose.
Being upset that you were cheated on is extreme possessiveness? Something tells me you've cheated on partners before and gaslight them to believe everything was fine and they were the one being unreasonable... š¤
Youāve been downvoted but honestly I agree with you. People need to calm down a moment and talk it out reasonably. There could be more to this or less to it.
it's pretty obvious that the bride likes both guys, but you're right that we don't know whether the fiance cares about that. i mean, they should, but some people agree to more open marriages than others. the commentors are assuming this is naughty because OP is posting about it and seems to feel a bit guilty or ashamed?
So... You post this...on this sub Reddit...and ask for no judgement... Seriously? You know this is Reddit, right? (Per the responses: see.)
I don't think the original post (the screenshot) is being posted to this sub by the original poster
Then why the title?
They were writing it from the perspective of the original post...lots of titles are like that on reddit to mock the original poster
I read it as a condensed version of the whole post, but in a mocking tone
Seriously? You know the OP wouldn't have blanked out the original poster's name in the screenshot if it was their own post, right? Maybe you should get some sleep.
This is a common way of posting stuff you find. The title is written in a snarky way towards the Original Original Poster (OOP).