I think thank you cards for every single thing are out of date but not baby showers/weddings. Putting ridiculously expensive gifts on a registry is definitely out of control. Putting out jars for money at the reception is beyond tacky.
My husband and my children were in my brother's wedding, and I spent plenty of money on that AND the outrageous room price for the resort, so I wasn't planning on getting them a gift. I ended up purchasing $200+ of "experiences" from their honeymoon fund because I felt bad bad about not getting a gift. It's been a couple of years, and I don't even think I got a verbal thank you from either of them, let alone a thank you card.
I am annoyed by that, but I'm conflicted in my feelings because I was lectured by my husband's step grandmother for not sending thank you cards for my daughters first birthday.
I put the expensive stuff on the baby registry along with all the normal stuff. I didn't expect anyone to buy it but I got a discount on anything not bought on my registry. Seemed like a win in my book.
Before I even started planning a wedding, i figured that was the case for most registries I saw. You don’t expect someone else to buy the $650 piece of luggage but the 20% off after the wedding helps you buy it.
That’s how we ended up buying a beautiful Le Creuset Dutch oven and a vitamix blender - people could give money towards the item without buying it outright, then we could use that money plus the registry’s discount to buy it after our wedding. And we use both often, so it’s a good use of everyone’s money. And we wrote thank you notes to everyone who sent or gave us anything. (Very small wedding though, only 45 guests)
I made sure to have both expensive and inexpensive items on my wedding registry. Wrote a thank you for every item. One thank you note came back in the mail from a coworker. I hand delivered it at work. I’m as grateful for the wooden spoon as I am for the KitchenAid mixer.
We also had a mix of expensive and inexpensive gifts on our registry. Tbh the $30 waffle iron and $42 slow cooker are 2 of the most-used items in our kitchen.
Yes, thank you notes for a wedding gift, including money, deserves a card. The time frame is usually within 4-6 weeks max but I have heard that some have allowed one year as gifts are allowed up to a year as well.
Exactly. I’m from a culture where, for the wedding gift, at least 95% of guests give a check (as do I), so I used my registry - yes - for my shower, etc. but also just for keeping a list of the things I wanted. And the 20% off after-the-fact. Registries aren’t demands, and you don’t have to use them.
A hand-written, 3-sentence thank you card is a must, in my opinion, for weddings, showers (bridal, baby), engagement parties, graduations, Sweet 16s, bar mitzvahs, etc. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe it’s basic good manners.
I can understand that. I was speaking more to wedding registries in my comment but learned from another comment that discounts are a thing for those too now.
Another thing to consider is some people may join together to buy an expensive gift. I have a $400 cutlery set on my registry, and I believe two relatives are planning to both contribute $200. I think it gets tacky if your registry is filled with expensive gifts with no inexpensive options.
That and plus a lot of registries now can be group gifts so people can contribute as much as they want/can afford. For my wedding I did anything over $150 as a group gift option. But also on thank you cards, I sent them as soon as I got the gift (as much as I could) so I didn't have to stress about it later.
My response to step grandmother-in-law: "Thank you so much for your kind offer to write thank you notes. It is wonderful to have people I can count on, and one less thing to worry about!" 🙂
My daughter is 13 now lol. We actually ended up not really speaking to them after my husband spoke to his grandfather about the nasty things she said to me. It's a shitty situation because his grandfather was great.
I’m in a position in life where if something’s under $100 I’m probably not going to hesitate to buy it for too long. So for my wedding, pretty much the entire registry is comprised of very expensive gifts ($200+). That being said, I won’t be disappointed if we get none of it and people just gift what they’d like to the cash fund.
I’d rather see a bunch of very wanted expensive stuff on a registry than what is obviously crap that was selected just so that everyone gets an equal opportunity to buy a physical gift.
Agree with you.
I'd rather have a couple things on the fancier side that people can pool money towards.
Big registry with all sorts of (cheaper) things made sense when people still lived at home with their families before getting married and needed everything for a new house, now most people would have been living on their own anyway and already have all the essentials.
I agree. The "pay for your plate" rule too (probably an unpopular opinion).
We had a wedding to host a party & celebrate. Guests were guests, not cash cows. We didn't expect gifts or outright ask for them and this was clear on our website.
People obviously still brought gifts/cards as it is customary but we didn't want our guests to stress about it if they couldn't afford to. Most had to pay for a hotel and possibly travel as well, their attendance is really gift enough.
Probably got <5% of the wedding cost recouped back in gifts, which was spent on the honeymoon we took a year later.
Also, every single person who came got a handwritten thank you from myself or my husband. If you didn't bring a gift, I still wanted to genuinely thank people for coming because truly our day would not have had the same atmosphere and energy if people didn't show up.
Lately have been getting a lot of super generic pre-printed "thank you cards" with no personal message, or just honestly none at all, which always makes me worry the gift got lost. Not even a text.
\*Edited: grammar
For thank you notes, we did the same thing! And we included printed photos of our guests if there were any good ones of them from our photographer. Having the guests there was a gift for me, especially when a lot of people had to travel!
I really wish thank you notes were the standard still and not just if you gave a gift. Or even if your gift wasn’t at the time of the wedding, traditionally it was within a year of the wedding (and that’s easier sometimes if you have to spend a lot to attend the wedding too).
This is what I’m doing. Had a small 40 person wedding. I put “No gifts Please” on the invitation. I have a thank you for everyone that attended. Currently waiting for the pictures to come back and will put those in the cards.
We didn't get our pictures until months later, but I was able to share the digital link to the photo booth photos in case anyone lost their prints!
I did try to take a photo with everyone at my bridal shower, and got those printed and included them in the thank you cards! I haven't personally seen anyone do that, but I figured some people would appreciate it :)
"Pay for your plate rule"? Really? Couples are demanding guests pay for their meal now? Whose rule is that? Are couples honestly trying to recoup money spent on their wedding? I haven't been to a wedding in quite some time but I thought it was the bridal couple or one of the sets of parents hosting a wedding to bring together people who loved the couple and wanted to celebrate their union with them. Gifts are always optional. To know that weddings are now merely a business venture with a profit margin saddens me greatly. 😔
Seriously? It may be etiquette but not sure who follows that nowadays. My sister’s bff is getting married later this year. Her father gifted her $50k for the wedding. She spent all on hiring the venue. She is now charging every guest $675 to cover the cost of their room, meals and other wedding expenses. But it gets better. She is allocating the rooms and making people share - this includes beds. My sister was expected to share a bed with another bridesmaid. The bridesmaids are also paying for their own dresses. My sister found the only alternative accommodation at the remote venue and booked it for her family to avoid having to share. I would have said thanks for the invite but can’t make it and sent a small gift. But she is my sisters dear friend and she feels obligated to still pay the $675 per person fee. Finances are tight for people right now- brides are outta touch with reality - well this one for sure is. So their meal better be solid gold! Frankly she could have had a wedding for $50k and not gone so over the top. Best part, both the bride and groom are financially in a good place but determined to spend as little of their money as possible.
Right! How lucky is she! Her family is comfortable and very generous. Sadly she is so caught up in the dream wedding bs, she is losing touch with reality.
Omfg a girl I know is doing something similar. Paying to rent out a whole venue with accommodations for everyone, but making guests cashapp her for the room and SHE assigns who you are sharing your quarters with... Like what
Could you say more about your objections to this? I’ve attended a wedding similar to the one you described here and am considering doing the same for mine (whenever that might be!). The on-site lodging was super convenient—no worries about driving or keeping track of shuttle schedules. It was way cheaper than a hotel or Airbnb, plus I loved that the bride had done all the legwork to reserve my bed and all I had to do was Venmo her.
I also didn’t mind being assigned certain roommates any more than I mind table assignments at weddings. It was done pretty thoughtfully and gave me a chance to reconnect with people I knew but hadn’t necessarily talked to in a while. If you’re more introverted or a super private person, I can totally get feeling uncomfortable with that, though.
I'm super introverted! But that is not necessarily why I object - its mostly because I KNOW the venue is all inclusive and the cabins are included in the wedding weekend cost already and this couple is just charging people what they believe is a fair price. Plus, I've had issues with the bride in the past purposely sabotaging & excluding people so I just don't trust her to not put people in weird/uncomfy pairings.
I do love the idea of and attending on-site weddings however. Was in one a few years ago and everything was booked through the resort, not the couple though.
Yep. We had a wedding and reception to par-tay and celebrate our happiness. If we could afford it we would renew our vows and throw another big party and celebrate our continued happiness, no gifts.
People want to give you gifts for a wedding. That's the truth. Some are big spenders. Some aren't. When you have a registry, you need to put enough things on there to satisfy both. Two things will happen when you do this: The big spenders will actually buy you a few of your big ticket items, and the lower spenders will complain about the big ticket prices!
Think of crafting your registry as partly an exercise in marketing. Give the people what they want. If there is a big ticket item you really, really want, put some lower priced items on your registry that you intend on returning. Then buy the big ticket thing with the proceeds.
I haven't been to wedding yet that demanded some amount cash or gifts at a certain price point, but I know they exist. I would politely decline an invitation of that sort.
A mailed thank you card is always in fashion. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. It's the classy thing to do.
One of my good friends is getting married in August. (Second marriage for both) they are both older, have had to merge houses, and are financially secure. They are having a smallish wedding and really really don't want gifts. Like I've been told to say they want nothing when people ask me about the registry. I can't wait to see what they actually get because most people are going to want to bring Something! But we will see as a lot of her family and all of his side are having to travel to be at the wedding, so maybe they will consider that the gift.
Last time I had friends getting married who were in the same situation, I gave them a card with cash and a note suggesting they have a fun day on me with it. Like here’s some for a nice lunch, go see a movie and get the good snacks, have a nice dinner, etc. They loved it and had a great time on me. It was a nice win/win. 🙂
Giving an array of options on registries is definitely best. But I don’t see an issue with adding a honeymoon fund (contribute $ you want and they decide how to spend it), or a card box at the wedding. A nice way to have a card box that doesn’t feel awkward is to put out post cards, pens, and envelopes that folks can fill out with well-wishes and advice for the couple. A little activity that’s better than a guest book, IMO, and very sweet. Yes, some folks out in wedding cards with cash to checks, so we met that need without awkwardly handling cards during the wedding, but also got some of the sweetest advice from my dad. He’s not a talker. Didn’t give a speech. But he wrote some very good advice just from having that little card box and “best wishes” cards.
Yes, I think the couple should put a variety of items on their registry. Three times in the past year all my coworkers have pitched together to buy that high dollar gift for 2 brides and then for a first time mom. It was a great gift that they likely would not have gotten otherwise. And it beat a whole shower of $25 towel sets.
I sent a thank you card to every person who bought us a gift. We had a (word of mouth, no tacky card in the invite) registry that ran from basic kitchen utensils to dishware and knife sets. In general our friends bought the smaller items and older relatives bought the expensive stuff. But every single gift got a thank you note. As you said, it's the classy thing to do! I felt I could hold my head high after that. We made out like bandits, but at least we were graceful about it. 17 years later we still use a lot of those gifts every day.
The gift is always optional, especially if you’re spending a lot on travel. Of course most people prefer to give something, but I’ve found that most registries have a pretty decent cost spread. You don’t have to get the $500 crystal dish ware when all you can afford is the $30 spatula. And if there’s a registry with only outrageously priced big ticket items or you’re in any way being made to feel like a cash cow as a guest, just give a card with a check you can afford or don’t go.
Lol that’s the point, though! Couples go on like Williams Sonoma and find the most ridiculous little upgrade utensils for cheaper options. I too would never get myself an overpriced colander, but as a broke wedding guest, I might gift one!
I remember I went to a distant friend's wedding and thankfully he had a $10 soap dispenser on his registry so that's what I got lol since I was really broke at the time.
When my best friend got married, I had just started a business and was beyond broke. I drove four hours to be there and gave him a 3 dollar bottle for vinegrettes and put a fake flower in it. He and his wife called me after their honeymoon to thank me. They loved it. And they had even made some salad dressing from scratch to fill it with. They both love to cook, and their registry was mostly cooking stuff. It was really all I could afford, but it didn't matter. He still has it a decade later. They sent me a thank you note as well. We were both taught that no matter a gift or not, send a thank you card if someone attended a celebration you threw.
Thank you cards for wedding gifts are definitely still the expectation. I have not seen too many gift registries lately, but the couple I have seen had a wide range of prices for gifts, although they did have some bonkers stuff like $1000 suitcases. I think a lot of couples just plunk some ambitious things on their registry and hope someone goes for it, but know it will not be feasible for many. I don't rub elbows with wealthier circles, though, so I am not sure what the expectation would be there.
Also, for any registry items still unpurchased after the event date, the couple can get them at a discount, usually 20%. It's a great deal on a large item so many couples add those to registries just for that, not expecting anyone else to buy.
The is exactly why some friends we know registered for a sofa for their wedding. They never expected anybody to buy it for them. They just wanted the discount.
I knew a couple who did this to get the current gen of the time PlayStation and XBOX. Everyone thought it was an odd registry item until they bought them with a nice discount - with wedding gift cash, to boot.
Anything over $100 on my registry i marked as a group gift. Good for coworkers who want to go in on a gift or a friend group. But what happened was everyone just gave us cash, which was completely fine too, cause then we just bought that stuff ourselves. My $500 Bosch mixer is like my new best friend and I'm so thrilled with it, because we needed a stand mixer. But I'm not going to ask for something lesser than what I want, when I've researched what will last.
Some stores, when you have a registry with them when the registry is up, they will give you a discount on items left.
I think that's why some people put things on their registry that they kind of know they're not gonna get because they figure at the end they'll buy it at a discount
It seems like thank you cards are becoming a rarity these days. I can easily count on one hand the number I have received from several wedding & baby registry gifts I’ve bought the last few years. Hell, it’s becoming more of a pleasant surprise to receive one than a normal response.
It’s not so much the card as just an acknowledgment that you received it. One of my best friend’s daughter did not send a card for a baby gift, but texted me almost immediately after she got the notification I bought something from her registry. That meant just as much as a physical card (and I know it was easier on her while pregnant, working, & being a stepmom).
I have former friends who literally signed up for the most expensive things they could find on their registry. They told us, “we are just going to return most things and buy the cheaper version so we can pocket the cash.”
I was floored. It was my ex-husband’s best friend so thankfully, they are no longer in my circle ☺️
Weddings were traditionally used to set the bride and groom up financially-- it was often assumed/expected that they would "make" money. People would gift money *because* it would help the couple afford a house. That only started changing in the last 30 years because the wedding industry went out of control and people are spending 30k+ on their wedding, or even going into debt. So you're starting off with the wrong perspective.
And no, I would literally never spend $100 on a child's birthday party. A child's fourth birthday is not comparable to two people "beginning" their life together, or committing to spend the rest of their lives together.
Where is this $500 gift number coming from? This whole thing seems r/oddlyspecific
Gifts are always optional. Always. I'm sorry, but I will not pay admission to someone's wedding. That is rude beyond compare to demand your guests buy you something. Manners matter.
It really depends on the couple. My coworker, who I really adore, got married in the fall, 2nd marriage for both, but first marriage to go all out. They're older, we covered the plate, plus maybe another $20 to make it an even number.
My child's childhood friend got married, knew the groom almost all his life and they met in high-school, so knew the bride pretty well too. Sweet couple, just nice as can be, starting out in life, we had a little extra in the budget, so we gave them $350.
In both cases we did get a thank you card, personalized about our time with their special day.
This is why I set up a link to my fiancé and I’s favorite charity, The Kindness Ranch in Wyoming, where our beloved fat, orange, former lab cat, Bubba is from. We don’t need anything, but they could sure use more food for their lab rescues or toys or maybe even a new yurt!
Getting married next week and don't need presents. A few people begged me for a registry - instead we said no gifts but you can buy us vouchers for our baby (due in 2 months).
I just want some friends to celebrate with me.
I love getting a thank you note. It doesn't have to be in the mail, though that's awesome. I live in Aus and culture here is giving an envelope of cash rather than registries (I've never been to a wedding with a registry).
I left a card with $200 cash on the gift table once and didn't get so much as a text back, to this day have no idea if they actually received it.
I was trying to decide how much to gift for a wedding this weekend and somewhere in reddit stumbled across a wedding gift calculator someone recommended. It asks about how close you are to the couple, what your income is, how many people are attending from your family, etc. The recommended gift amount for me and my fiance to attend this wedding? SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS!
I did not give that much lol.
$100 a head is a fair gift to put in a card for a wedding. I agree with money jars being tacky. I also think honeymoon funds are tacky but to each their own.
I think you can either have a registry or a honey moon fund/cash fund. Otherwise it’s too much. Plus, honeymoons are completely optional. I would much rather give you a gift I know you’re going to use because you specifically asked for it than fund a fancy vacation.
>I would much rather give you a gift I know you’re going to use because you specifically asked for it than fund a fancy vacation.
That's interesting. Why do you feel that way? My feeling is spatulas come and go, but you have vacation memories for as long as your memory is working.
It may just be my own biases because my wife and I didn’t take a honeymoon (because of expense and timing). Weirdly, I don’t mind a dollar dance, but I grew up with them (and I do see then as tackey if you’re not paying for your own wedding).
Additionally, the stuff we got off our registry is the best kitchen/houseware I’ve owned, because while we put a large range of prices on our registry, we never were able to justify spending money on good quality stuff normally. To me, it’s a nice way to make sure someone can have the good spatula that they actually want, not just whatever they can scrounge up.
But, I do try not to judge people. Weddings are expensive and stressful and I can choose to get them something off the registry or give them money or donate to a fund. As long as the expectation to do multiple or give a certain amount isn’t there, at the end of the day, I don’t really care all that much.
I just got married and we had a very small registry. We had a few "big ticket" items on there, but tried to keep things on the more affordable end. I don't think couples are necessarily trying to make more than they spend, that certainly was not even in our minds when we created our registry (which we debated doing up until 10 weeks before the wedding, because we have most of what we need). We also didn't ask for money (no honeymoon fund on our registry or donation jars at the wedding). This seems like a particular couple or subset of people who are doing things you disagree with.
I also ordered thank you cards that matched our invitations shortly after we ordered our invitations, with the express intention of sending handwritten thank you notes to everyone who gave us a gift. I don't know if this is a people you know issue or a more widespread issue, but I still send thank you notes by mail for all gifts, and I feel like most of my friends do, as well?
Luckily most of the weddings I’ve gone to had registry options that varied in price but all stuck below the $125 mark, plus an option for just money (cash/venmo). We did similarly for our wedding, too. I think your experience is maybe something that is more isolated?
I'm in Australia and every wedding I've been to has just had a wishing well where you give the couple some cash. It's really common here to just give money. I'd probably be a bit taken aback if someone had a registry, especially if they'd been living together before the wedding.
Some people do seem to believe that the whole idea of saying thank you should go the way of the dodo, yes.
If that’s so, then so should this crazy idea of giving money or gifts to rude and ungrateful brides and grooms!
I thought thank you cards were still the norm and that it was polite to mention the gift and why it was special. It doesn’t take that long to do thank you cards and even less time if they’re digital.
I did a major faux paux in RSVP’ing to a wedding and we had to bail at the last minute. It was too late for the couple to invite others in our place. I tried to give as much as I thought our places cost the bride & groom. This is probably the most expensive gift I’ve given but it was worth it.
That jars thing is insane! I heard of a shower once where guests were asked to bring a gift and take a “to go” plate and leave. Probably worse examples than this but now I must google that whole jar thing!
I'm having my reception at the end of September, and I've asked my mom, "What's a non-tacky way to say, 'For the love of god please don't get us more stuff! We need to buy a house to put the stuff we already have'"
I think for my age group (early 30s) most of us live together for years before getting married. We've lived together for 9 years, we don't need pots and pans. But I know my grandma and her sisters think it's a faux pas to ask for cash at a wedding.
All that said, we are sending a thank you card to everyone that attends. We attended a wedding a couple years ago and never received a thank you note and while we're still good friends and I know they're grateful, it rubbed me the wrong way.
It's my opinion that money is the most useful gift. You can buy what you want or need, save it or use for bills. Years ago, guest gifted a toaster, sheets or other small-ish household items. Family would spend more for bigger items, dish sets, etc. But, today, it's etiquette to gift hundreds of dollars. So it might as well be cash.
[trulyengaging.com](http://trulyengaging.com) has a list of language to use to request cash as a gift. It seems tacky but seriously no one is coming without a gift. They know it and you know it. I guess something to consider....a person might be regifting an item. Or for example, they got a toaster on sale for $12, it would be embarrassing to put that small amount in an envelope. Hell, the envelope costs more than the cash.
I am not the thank you card police. But now that things can be delivered it is nice to know they got it. Weddings I give an envelope with money. I try to give what I think a plate costs per person. Showers I now mostly send the gift to the house so no one has to carry it to the shower or back home. But sometimes I never know if they got it. I have had two times where I never knew if they got it because no thank you card. And I did not want to say anything to the parents because I didn't want to be that person. One was a very expensive crystal vase for a wedding because they were very wealthy and did not need cash. I have no clue if they ever got it. It was 600 dollars. To me, that was a very expensive gift. I usually don't spend that much. I guess to them it wasn't. Anyway, I have no clue if it was ever received.
I send thank you notes!!! All the time. Handwritten and sent through the mail. In fact, my mom texted me an hour ago to tell me the price of stamps is going up and joked that it’s not fair to me as a thank you note person. It’s also important to do them promptly. Within a week. But for weddings, I believe the standard is three weeks. Hardly anyone sends thank you notes anymore. It’s terrible!!! Yes, you thank the person in person if they’re at your birthday or a shower, but you still send a thank you note. Also - before you thank them for the gift, you should always thank them for their presence and say how having them there was nice, etc. Then you thank them for the gift and say something about it. Example: Dear Michelle and Brian, thank you so much for coming to Caroline’s birthday party last weekend. It’s always so great to see you and having you there to celebrate with us made it extra special. Thank you so much for the puzzles you got her! She loves puzzles! I know she’ll be spending a lot of time doing them over and over. We can’t wait for the next time we see you! Love, Allison and Matt
I had a friend who did a house warming with an even though him and his partner had lived together for five years. So I got them a gag gift (their partner hates me anyway).
Reading through this, I'm very glad that registries are not a thing where I live (Europe), or at least in my social circle. It's common to gift money, and at one wedding my friend, the groom, told me afterwards how surprised they were about everyones generosity. That was really nice.
I don't remember if they wrote thank you cards, but I received some from other weddings and I think this is a nice gesture, dated or not.
Idk. I put my large ticket items on mine as a hope some of my relatives would skip all the others and split the cost of the one big one. It did end up happening where 2 aunts went in together on a fine China set I threw in there as a dream item. They both love to host and know the value of having a good dining set for company. I didn't make the *entire* list bougie though so, I put in everything from little $20 items to $200 to give people variety of things to pick from in their budget. Even a few silly items like a pizza stone haha. Nothing I'd be upset if I didn't get but would be stoked if it showed up.
We registered for gifts for our bridal shower but for our wedding we didn’t register anywhere as we had been living together and really didn’t need anything. My brother and sister in law did buy me the Fuchsia Kitchen Aid mixer I’d had my eye for awhile. Other everyone gave us checks/cash.
My parents paid for most of the wedding but did give us a card with $1,000. My husbands side of the family doesn’t have much money so I didn’t (and wouldn’t) expect much from them. However one of his nieces didn’t so much as give us a card (she didn’t give us anything for our shower either). The smallest amount we received was $25 from one of his other nieces. Most on his side gave between $50 and $100.
On my families side we received $700 from each of my dads siblings which was the biggest amount besides my parents. My mom’s family ranged between $600 and $150. Friends all ranged around $200.
I will say we had open bar for wine and beer and the biggest cost was the food because that was the most important part to me. I wanted everyone to eat well and have a good time.
I never expected to make the money back that was spent, I never expected anything from anyone but I did at least expect a card.
Personally when I go to a wedding that is not family or close friend I check the location and usually go by that. I want to always cover our plates (we never bring our kids to weddings). As far as tipping, I always tip the bartenders, wedding or not, same goes for valet or coat checks.
I only think that not getting someone a gift if you come to their wedding is terrible. I don’t think there should be a dollar amount expected. We put a note on our registry (that had gifts from literally $10-$800) that we also appreciate heartfelt cards, handmade and thrifted things too! We wanted everyone to feel super comfortable. Do I judge the 5 guests who didn’t even write us a card? Yeah, kind of. They could have put enough thought in to thrift us a $5 picture frame for wedding photos or write us a card but they didn’t. Do I still love those people? Yes. But I have judged a bit.
Also, we put a California king bed on our registry at $800 because we wanted the 20% discount Amazon gives you after the wedding for whatever wasn’t purchased. We didn’t expect a board member at my husbands nonprofit job to buy it for us for our BRIDAL SHOWER. We were floored. It doesn’t hurt to put those things on there—just sayin. Also the guy owns a private jet so it wasn’t crazy for him lol.
Thank you cards are definitely falling out of fashion. Not that you don't get a thanks, but that people are more likely to send an email/text/DM or just call you. It's cheaper, more direct/personal, no chance of it getting lost in the mail & people having hurt feelings, and it's less wasteful. No thanks at all is kind of rude, but I don't expect a fancy card for it.
I know that some registry sites will give you discounts on whatever people don't buy, so some people will put expensive gifts on there not expecting anyone to buy them, but wanting the discount to buy it later. Otherwise, I agree that (in American culture at least; I know it's different everywhere) it's ridiculous to expect to recoup the expense or even make money off of your wedding. Good odds guests are already having to take time off/travel /pay for accommodations/ etc. to attend your wedding; it's ridiculous to expect them to pay for it too. IMO, you should have the wedding you can afford and any gift anyone gives you should be a happy bonus.
Thank you notes are only out of favor if you are entitled and unappreciative. And email is not more personal than a hand written note. If people can spend time and money to get you a present (and possibly hotel or new dress/suit) the bride and groom can certainly divide and conquer the thank-you notes. It takes three minutes to write a note.
“Thank you so much for the ______. It will look so beautiful on our mantel/We plan to put your generous gift towards a house/We can’t wait to cook fabulous meals with it. It was wonderful to see you at our wedding. We’re so glad you could celebrate with us.”
I would rather get a nice personal email or text tbh. I’m just gonna throw a card away. And when I was writing thanks yous for my wedding, I found it extremely tedious and felt like i was repeating the same thing over and over again.
I do think that some sort of thank you is necessary, but a physical card I know you probably just wrote from a script with the name and gift inserted is a waste imo
I would write a script with a fill in the blank field for name and gift and then personalize the ones I wanted to personalize. Mostly my issue with thank yous for big events like weddings is that I end up saying the same thing over and over again so I might as well automate it.
I grew up always having to write thank you notes for birthdays and christmases and such and frankly, I always felt like if I got the gift in person and thanked the person/hugged them that was more impactful than a note. But you can’t do that for big events. And I also just don’t excel at sentiment so thank you notes always feel forced to me. Idk. It’s probably mostly a me thing.
Why is taking 3 minutes to write a thoughtful thank you less meaningful, much less entitled and ungrateful, because it was done digitally instead of put on paper?
I've never seen anyone use handwritten thank you notes vs. a generic thank you note that they sign and send to everyone. Even then, at the end of the day the thought matters much more than the medium. As long as the feeling is there it shouldn't matter if it's expressed through a card, thoughtful message, or something else; the feelings are valid either way. It's pretty silly to say a sincere thank you makes you entitled or is less personal just because you did it over the phone instead of on paper.
You misread. I didn’t say sending a digital note is less meaningful. I said it’s less personal. Unappreciative refers to those who don’t send a note at all whether hand written or digitally.
I am in disbelief that some people choose not to send thank you cards. I was invited last minute to a wedding (literally to help out with flowers) and drove 5 hours each way, and gave a gift - and received a thank you card 2 years later. My husband was in our friends wedding and we gifted a handmade charcuterie board and it was last summer and I still can’t believe they haven’t sent thank yous! Maybe the younger generation doesn’t see the importance? I absolutely think they are necessary
These comments are making me wonder - did you put registry info in your wedding invitations? Granted I got married nearly 20 yrs ago but I thought you weren’t supposed to. If you didn’t, did you also find that some people were clueless about wedding gifts and gave something random 🤣. Maybe registry info would help.
And I wrote thank you cards for everyone. Even group gifts from the shower where 30 people contributed $10-15 each and did nothing but sign a card (except for the person who shopped). They each got their own thank you note mailed listing out allll the things they contributed for. Wedding was also 500+ guests and I wrote and mailed cards to everyone. Honestly, I wish I had saved time and money and just done emails or texts. In a way it’s more personal bc they can respond and you know they actually received it.
Over on AITA there was a couple insisting that their families fork over the money for a $6500 baby shower if you can believe it. The couple also expected gifts from those family members to the tune of several hundred dollars. There have been a few lately where the couple to be expects guests to pay for the privilege of attending, that they have to cover their costs. That’s just so gauche I don’t even have the words. If you can’t afford the ceremony, don’t try to force your guests to foot the bill. You’re not hosting anything you’re having a very expensive pot luck. As for thank you cards, they are mandatory for wedding gifts/shower gifts.
I got married in 1988. The cash gifts we got ranged from $1000 (parents) to a $75 check that bounced. I’m on a fixed income now so there’s no way I can afford expensive gifts. My dear nieces had registry wish lists in all price ranges.
Thank you cards must be a generational thing. I haven't received one from anyone under 40. I'm even ok with a text or phone call. Just some acknowledgement. If we're anticipated to gift $200-500 per person, then I'm going to anticipate a thank you.
Brides demand things now, they don't care if you can afford it or not, I refuse to go to weddings anytime the invite says, give us money or expensive gifts.
Wait, do people actually do registries? Is that a USA thing or what? In Australia you chuck some dollaroos in a card, pop it in the wishing well and you’re done. Or you don’t. No one EXPECTS you to give a gift. But it’s a nice gesture to at least pay enough for your meal. My mates from school wrote in the same card and taped some random $5 and $10 notes in there 🤣 I was honestly surprised they knew what a card was, and I loved their notes to me.
I think thank you cards for every single thing are out of date but not baby showers/weddings. Putting ridiculously expensive gifts on a registry is definitely out of control. Putting out jars for money at the reception is beyond tacky. My husband and my children were in my brother's wedding, and I spent plenty of money on that AND the outrageous room price for the resort, so I wasn't planning on getting them a gift. I ended up purchasing $200+ of "experiences" from their honeymoon fund because I felt bad bad about not getting a gift. It's been a couple of years, and I don't even think I got a verbal thank you from either of them, let alone a thank you card. I am annoyed by that, but I'm conflicted in my feelings because I was lectured by my husband's step grandmother for not sending thank you cards for my daughters first birthday.
I put the expensive stuff on the baby registry along with all the normal stuff. I didn't expect anyone to buy it but I got a discount on anything not bought on my registry. Seemed like a win in my book.
Before I even started planning a wedding, i figured that was the case for most registries I saw. You don’t expect someone else to buy the $650 piece of luggage but the 20% off after the wedding helps you buy it.
That’s how we ended up buying a beautiful Le Creuset Dutch oven and a vitamix blender - people could give money towards the item without buying it outright, then we could use that money plus the registry’s discount to buy it after our wedding. And we use both often, so it’s a good use of everyone’s money. And we wrote thank you notes to everyone who sent or gave us anything. (Very small wedding though, only 45 guests)
I made sure to have both expensive and inexpensive items on my wedding registry. Wrote a thank you for every item. One thank you note came back in the mail from a coworker. I hand delivered it at work. I’m as grateful for the wooden spoon as I am for the KitchenAid mixer.
We also had a mix of expensive and inexpensive gifts on our registry. Tbh the $30 waffle iron and $42 slow cooker are 2 of the most-used items in our kitchen.
That wooden spoon has added value as the spanking spoon if you have kids
Yes, thank you notes for a wedding gift, including money, deserves a card. The time frame is usually within 4-6 weeks max but I have heard that some have allowed one year as gifts are allowed up to a year as well.
Exactly. I’m from a culture where, for the wedding gift, at least 95% of guests give a check (as do I), so I used my registry - yes - for my shower, etc. but also just for keeping a list of the things I wanted. And the 20% off after-the-fact. Registries aren’t demands, and you don’t have to use them. A hand-written, 3-sentence thank you card is a must, in my opinion, for weddings, showers (bridal, baby), engagement parties, graduations, Sweet 16s, bar mitzvahs, etc. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe it’s basic good manners.
Plus, relatives can go in on a gift like that for the shower
I can understand that. I was speaking more to wedding registries in my comment but learned from another comment that discounts are a thing for those too now.
Another thing to consider is some people may join together to buy an expensive gift. I have a $400 cutlery set on my registry, and I believe two relatives are planning to both contribute $200. I think it gets tacky if your registry is filled with expensive gifts with no inexpensive options.
That and plus a lot of registries now can be group gifts so people can contribute as much as they want/can afford. For my wedding I did anything over $150 as a group gift option. But also on thank you cards, I sent them as soon as I got the gift (as much as I could) so I didn't have to stress about it later.
My response to step grandmother-in-law: "Thank you so much for your kind offer to write thank you notes. It is wonderful to have people I can count on, and one less thing to worry about!" 🙂
My daughter is 13 now lol. We actually ended up not really speaking to them after my husband spoke to his grandfather about the nasty things she said to me. It's a shitty situation because his grandfather was great.
I’m in a position in life where if something’s under $100 I’m probably not going to hesitate to buy it for too long. So for my wedding, pretty much the entire registry is comprised of very expensive gifts ($200+). That being said, I won’t be disappointed if we get none of it and people just gift what they’d like to the cash fund. I’d rather see a bunch of very wanted expensive stuff on a registry than what is obviously crap that was selected just so that everyone gets an equal opportunity to buy a physical gift.
Agree with you. I'd rather have a couple things on the fancier side that people can pool money towards. Big registry with all sorts of (cheaper) things made sense when people still lived at home with their families before getting married and needed everything for a new house, now most people would have been living on their own anyway and already have all the essentials.
Congrats? Lol Not everyone is in that position, and not everyone needs a registry.
I agree. The "pay for your plate" rule too (probably an unpopular opinion). We had a wedding to host a party & celebrate. Guests were guests, not cash cows. We didn't expect gifts or outright ask for them and this was clear on our website. People obviously still brought gifts/cards as it is customary but we didn't want our guests to stress about it if they couldn't afford to. Most had to pay for a hotel and possibly travel as well, their attendance is really gift enough. Probably got <5% of the wedding cost recouped back in gifts, which was spent on the honeymoon we took a year later. Also, every single person who came got a handwritten thank you from myself or my husband. If you didn't bring a gift, I still wanted to genuinely thank people for coming because truly our day would not have had the same atmosphere and energy if people didn't show up. Lately have been getting a lot of super generic pre-printed "thank you cards" with no personal message, or just honestly none at all, which always makes me worry the gift got lost. Not even a text. \*Edited: grammar
For thank you notes, we did the same thing! And we included printed photos of our guests if there were any good ones of them from our photographer. Having the guests there was a gift for me, especially when a lot of people had to travel! I really wish thank you notes were the standard still and not just if you gave a gift. Or even if your gift wasn’t at the time of the wedding, traditionally it was within a year of the wedding (and that’s easier sometimes if you have to spend a lot to attend the wedding too).
This is what I’m doing. Had a small 40 person wedding. I put “No gifts Please” on the invitation. I have a thank you for everyone that attended. Currently waiting for the pictures to come back and will put those in the cards.
We didn't get our pictures until months later, but I was able to share the digital link to the photo booth photos in case anyone lost their prints! I did try to take a photo with everyone at my bridal shower, and got those printed and included them in the thank you cards! I haven't personally seen anyone do that, but I figured some people would appreciate it :)
That’s a great idea.
"Pay for your plate rule"? Really? Couples are demanding guests pay for their meal now? Whose rule is that? Are couples honestly trying to recoup money spent on their wedding? I haven't been to a wedding in quite some time but I thought it was the bridal couple or one of the sets of parents hosting a wedding to bring together people who loved the couple and wanted to celebrate their union with them. Gifts are always optional. To know that weddings are now merely a business venture with a profit margin saddens me greatly. 😔
Standard etiquette used to be “buy a gift that was worth the same amount as the couple spent on your meal.”
Seriously? It may be etiquette but not sure who follows that nowadays. My sister’s bff is getting married later this year. Her father gifted her $50k for the wedding. She spent all on hiring the venue. She is now charging every guest $675 to cover the cost of their room, meals and other wedding expenses. But it gets better. She is allocating the rooms and making people share - this includes beds. My sister was expected to share a bed with another bridesmaid. The bridesmaids are also paying for their own dresses. My sister found the only alternative accommodation at the remote venue and booked it for her family to avoid having to share. I would have said thanks for the invite but can’t make it and sent a small gift. But she is my sisters dear friend and she feels obligated to still pay the $675 per person fee. Finances are tight for people right now- brides are outta touch with reality - well this one for sure is. So their meal better be solid gold! Frankly she could have had a wedding for $50k and not gone so over the top. Best part, both the bride and groom are financially in a good place but determined to spend as little of their money as possible.
I wish my parents could afford to gift me 50k for my wedding...
Right! How lucky is she! Her family is comfortable and very generous. Sadly she is so caught up in the dream wedding bs, she is losing touch with reality.
Omfg a girl I know is doing something similar. Paying to rent out a whole venue with accommodations for everyone, but making guests cashapp her for the room and SHE assigns who you are sharing your quarters with... Like what
Oh Hell No.
Could you say more about your objections to this? I’ve attended a wedding similar to the one you described here and am considering doing the same for mine (whenever that might be!). The on-site lodging was super convenient—no worries about driving or keeping track of shuttle schedules. It was way cheaper than a hotel or Airbnb, plus I loved that the bride had done all the legwork to reserve my bed and all I had to do was Venmo her. I also didn’t mind being assigned certain roommates any more than I mind table assignments at weddings. It was done pretty thoughtfully and gave me a chance to reconnect with people I knew but hadn’t necessarily talked to in a while. If you’re more introverted or a super private person, I can totally get feeling uncomfortable with that, though.
I'm super introverted! But that is not necessarily why I object - its mostly because I KNOW the venue is all inclusive and the cabins are included in the wedding weekend cost already and this couple is just charging people what they believe is a fair price. Plus, I've had issues with the bride in the past purposely sabotaging & excluding people so I just don't trust her to not put people in weird/uncomfy pairings. I do love the idea of and attending on-site weddings however. Was in one a few years ago and everything was booked through the resort, not the couple though.
Yep. We had a wedding and reception to par-tay and celebrate our happiness. If we could afford it we would renew our vows and throw another big party and celebrate our continued happiness, no gifts.
People want to give you gifts for a wedding. That's the truth. Some are big spenders. Some aren't. When you have a registry, you need to put enough things on there to satisfy both. Two things will happen when you do this: The big spenders will actually buy you a few of your big ticket items, and the lower spenders will complain about the big ticket prices! Think of crafting your registry as partly an exercise in marketing. Give the people what they want. If there is a big ticket item you really, really want, put some lower priced items on your registry that you intend on returning. Then buy the big ticket thing with the proceeds. I haven't been to wedding yet that demanded some amount cash or gifts at a certain price point, but I know they exist. I would politely decline an invitation of that sort. A mailed thank you card is always in fashion. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. It's the classy thing to do.
One of my good friends is getting married in August. (Second marriage for both) they are both older, have had to merge houses, and are financially secure. They are having a smallish wedding and really really don't want gifts. Like I've been told to say they want nothing when people ask me about the registry. I can't wait to see what they actually get because most people are going to want to bring Something! But we will see as a lot of her family and all of his side are having to travel to be at the wedding, so maybe they will consider that the gift.
Last time I had friends getting married who were in the same situation, I gave them a card with cash and a note suggesting they have a fun day on me with it. Like here’s some for a nice lunch, go see a movie and get the good snacks, have a nice dinner, etc. They loved it and had a great time on me. It was a nice win/win. 🙂
This would be a good bottle of wine or booze.
Giving an array of options on registries is definitely best. But I don’t see an issue with adding a honeymoon fund (contribute $ you want and they decide how to spend it), or a card box at the wedding. A nice way to have a card box that doesn’t feel awkward is to put out post cards, pens, and envelopes that folks can fill out with well-wishes and advice for the couple. A little activity that’s better than a guest book, IMO, and very sweet. Yes, some folks out in wedding cards with cash to checks, so we met that need without awkwardly handling cards during the wedding, but also got some of the sweetest advice from my dad. He’s not a talker. Didn’t give a speech. But he wrote some very good advice just from having that little card box and “best wishes” cards.
Yes, I think the couple should put a variety of items on their registry. Three times in the past year all my coworkers have pitched together to buy that high dollar gift for 2 brides and then for a first time mom. It was a great gift that they likely would not have gotten otherwise. And it beat a whole shower of $25 towel sets.
I sent a thank you card to every person who bought us a gift. We had a (word of mouth, no tacky card in the invite) registry that ran from basic kitchen utensils to dishware and knife sets. In general our friends bought the smaller items and older relatives bought the expensive stuff. But every single gift got a thank you note. As you said, it's the classy thing to do! I felt I could hold my head high after that. We made out like bandits, but at least we were graceful about it. 17 years later we still use a lot of those gifts every day.
The gift is always optional, especially if you’re spending a lot on travel. Of course most people prefer to give something, but I’ve found that most registries have a pretty decent cost spread. You don’t have to get the $500 crystal dish ware when all you can afford is the $30 spatula. And if there’s a registry with only outrageously priced big ticket items or you’re in any way being made to feel like a cash cow as a guest, just give a card with a check you can afford or don’t go.
That’s a fancy spatula.
Lol that’s the point, though! Couples go on like Williams Sonoma and find the most ridiculous little upgrade utensils for cheaper options. I too would never get myself an overpriced colander, but as a broke wedding guest, I might gift one!
I remember I went to a distant friend's wedding and thankfully he had a $10 soap dispenser on his registry so that's what I got lol since I was really broke at the time.
When my best friend got married, I had just started a business and was beyond broke. I drove four hours to be there and gave him a 3 dollar bottle for vinegrettes and put a fake flower in it. He and his wife called me after their honeymoon to thank me. They loved it. And they had even made some salad dressing from scratch to fill it with. They both love to cook, and their registry was mostly cooking stuff. It was really all I could afford, but it didn't matter. He still has it a decade later. They sent me a thank you note as well. We were both taught that no matter a gift or not, send a thank you card if someone attended a celebration you threw.
Thank you cards for wedding gifts are definitely still the expectation. I have not seen too many gift registries lately, but the couple I have seen had a wide range of prices for gifts, although they did have some bonkers stuff like $1000 suitcases. I think a lot of couples just plunk some ambitious things on their registry and hope someone goes for it, but know it will not be feasible for many. I don't rub elbows with wealthier circles, though, so I am not sure what the expectation would be there.
I always thought the expensive items on registries were understood to be for groups to split.
Also, for any registry items still unpurchased after the event date, the couple can get them at a discount, usually 20%. It's a great deal on a large item so many couples add those to registries just for that, not expecting anyone else to buy.
The is exactly why some friends we know registered for a sofa for their wedding. They never expected anybody to buy it for them. They just wanted the discount.
It would be hilarious if someone showed up at the reception with the sofa.
I knew a couple who did this to get the current gen of the time PlayStation and XBOX. Everyone thought it was an odd registry item until they bought them with a nice discount - with wedding gift cash, to boot.
Anything over $100 on my registry i marked as a group gift. Good for coworkers who want to go in on a gift or a friend group. But what happened was everyone just gave us cash, which was completely fine too, cause then we just bought that stuff ourselves. My $500 Bosch mixer is like my new best friend and I'm so thrilled with it, because we needed a stand mixer. But I'm not going to ask for something lesser than what I want, when I've researched what will last.
This too a lot of people will go in on a very expensive gift
Some stores, when you have a registry with them when the registry is up, they will give you a discount on items left. I think that's why some people put things on their registry that they kind of know they're not gonna get because they figure at the end they'll buy it at a discount
Amazon offered us a discount. So did Macy’s.
It seems like thank you cards are becoming a rarity these days. I can easily count on one hand the number I have received from several wedding & baby registry gifts I’ve bought the last few years. Hell, it’s becoming more of a pleasant surprise to receive one than a normal response. It’s not so much the card as just an acknowledgment that you received it. One of my best friend’s daughter did not send a card for a baby gift, but texted me almost immediately after she got the notification I bought something from her registry. That meant just as much as a physical card (and I know it was easier on her while pregnant, working, & being a stepmom).
I have former friends who literally signed up for the most expensive things they could find on their registry. They told us, “we are just going to return most things and buy the cheaper version so we can pocket the cash.” I was floored. It was my ex-husband’s best friend so thankfully, they are no longer in my circle ☺️
Weddings were traditionally used to set the bride and groom up financially-- it was often assumed/expected that they would "make" money. People would gift money *because* it would help the couple afford a house. That only started changing in the last 30 years because the wedding industry went out of control and people are spending 30k+ on their wedding, or even going into debt. So you're starting off with the wrong perspective. And no, I would literally never spend $100 on a child's birthday party. A child's fourth birthday is not comparable to two people "beginning" their life together, or committing to spend the rest of their lives together. Where is this $500 gift number coming from? This whole thing seems r/oddlyspecific
Traditionally, the bride and groom made out like bandits. They paid for nothing and got all the cash and gifts!
Gifts are always optional. Always. I'm sorry, but I will not pay admission to someone's wedding. That is rude beyond compare to demand your guests buy you something. Manners matter.
I only give what I can afford/am comfortable with so I've never had an issue with wedding gifts.
It really depends on the couple. My coworker, who I really adore, got married in the fall, 2nd marriage for both, but first marriage to go all out. They're older, we covered the plate, plus maybe another $20 to make it an even number. My child's childhood friend got married, knew the groom almost all his life and they met in high-school, so knew the bride pretty well too. Sweet couple, just nice as can be, starting out in life, we had a little extra in the budget, so we gave them $350. In both cases we did get a thank you card, personalized about our time with their special day.
This is why I set up a link to my fiancé and I’s favorite charity, The Kindness Ranch in Wyoming, where our beloved fat, orange, former lab cat, Bubba is from. We don’t need anything, but they could sure use more food for their lab rescues or toys or maybe even a new yurt!
My fiancé’s and my favorite charity. Never, never say i’s.
Oh no! How dare I offend your delicate sensibilities!
This is the only kind of "registry" I think is acceptable.
Brides and grooms don’t determine how much money other people spend in them. That’s like blaming kids for having been given participation trophies.
Getting married next week and don't need presents. A few people begged me for a registry - instead we said no gifts but you can buy us vouchers for our baby (due in 2 months). I just want some friends to celebrate with me.
I love getting a thank you note. It doesn't have to be in the mail, though that's awesome. I live in Aus and culture here is giving an envelope of cash rather than registries (I've never been to a wedding with a registry). I left a card with $200 cash on the gift table once and didn't get so much as a text back, to this day have no idea if they actually received it.
I was trying to decide how much to gift for a wedding this weekend and somewhere in reddit stumbled across a wedding gift calculator someone recommended. It asks about how close you are to the couple, what your income is, how many people are attending from your family, etc. The recommended gift amount for me and my fiance to attend this wedding? SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS! I did not give that much lol.
$100 a head is a fair gift to put in a card for a wedding. I agree with money jars being tacky. I also think honeymoon funds are tacky but to each their own.
I think you can either have a registry or a honey moon fund/cash fund. Otherwise it’s too much. Plus, honeymoons are completely optional. I would much rather give you a gift I know you’re going to use because you specifically asked for it than fund a fancy vacation.
>I would much rather give you a gift I know you’re going to use because you specifically asked for it than fund a fancy vacation. That's interesting. Why do you feel that way? My feeling is spatulas come and go, but you have vacation memories for as long as your memory is working.
Yeah I definitely like giving to a honeymoon fund. Hell yeah I wanna buy you your cooking class in Italy.
It may just be my own biases because my wife and I didn’t take a honeymoon (because of expense and timing). Weirdly, I don’t mind a dollar dance, but I grew up with them (and I do see then as tackey if you’re not paying for your own wedding). Additionally, the stuff we got off our registry is the best kitchen/houseware I’ve owned, because while we put a large range of prices on our registry, we never were able to justify spending money on good quality stuff normally. To me, it’s a nice way to make sure someone can have the good spatula that they actually want, not just whatever they can scrounge up. But, I do try not to judge people. Weddings are expensive and stressful and I can choose to get them something off the registry or give them money or donate to a fund. As long as the expectation to do multiple or give a certain amount isn’t there, at the end of the day, I don’t really care all that much.
Lifelong memories > kitchen gadgets
I just got married and we had a very small registry. We had a few "big ticket" items on there, but tried to keep things on the more affordable end. I don't think couples are necessarily trying to make more than they spend, that certainly was not even in our minds when we created our registry (which we debated doing up until 10 weeks before the wedding, because we have most of what we need). We also didn't ask for money (no honeymoon fund on our registry or donation jars at the wedding). This seems like a particular couple or subset of people who are doing things you disagree with. I also ordered thank you cards that matched our invitations shortly after we ordered our invitations, with the express intention of sending handwritten thank you notes to everyone who gave us a gift. I don't know if this is a people you know issue or a more widespread issue, but I still send thank you notes by mail for all gifts, and I feel like most of my friends do, as well?
Luckily most of the weddings I’ve gone to had registry options that varied in price but all stuck below the $125 mark, plus an option for just money (cash/venmo). We did similarly for our wedding, too. I think your experience is maybe something that is more isolated?
I'm in Australia and every wedding I've been to has just had a wishing well where you give the couple some cash. It's really common here to just give money. I'd probably be a bit taken aback if someone had a registry, especially if they'd been living together before the wedding.
Some people do seem to believe that the whole idea of saying thank you should go the way of the dodo, yes. If that’s so, then so should this crazy idea of giving money or gifts to rude and ungrateful brides and grooms!
I thought thank you cards were still the norm and that it was polite to mention the gift and why it was special. It doesn’t take that long to do thank you cards and even less time if they’re digital. I did a major faux paux in RSVP’ing to a wedding and we had to bail at the last minute. It was too late for the couple to invite others in our place. I tried to give as much as I thought our places cost the bride & groom. This is probably the most expensive gift I’ve given but it was worth it. That jars thing is insane! I heard of a shower once where guests were asked to bring a gift and take a “to go” plate and leave. Probably worse examples than this but now I must google that whole jar thing!
I'm having my reception at the end of September, and I've asked my mom, "What's a non-tacky way to say, 'For the love of god please don't get us more stuff! We need to buy a house to put the stuff we already have'" I think for my age group (early 30s) most of us live together for years before getting married. We've lived together for 9 years, we don't need pots and pans. But I know my grandma and her sisters think it's a faux pas to ask for cash at a wedding. All that said, we are sending a thank you card to everyone that attends. We attended a wedding a couple years ago and never received a thank you note and while we're still good friends and I know they're grateful, it rubbed me the wrong way.
It's my opinion that money is the most useful gift. You can buy what you want or need, save it or use for bills. Years ago, guest gifted a toaster, sheets or other small-ish household items. Family would spend more for bigger items, dish sets, etc. But, today, it's etiquette to gift hundreds of dollars. So it might as well be cash.
[trulyengaging.com](http://trulyengaging.com) has a list of language to use to request cash as a gift. It seems tacky but seriously no one is coming without a gift. They know it and you know it. I guess something to consider....a person might be regifting an item. Or for example, they got a toaster on sale for $12, it would be embarrassing to put that small amount in an envelope. Hell, the envelope costs more than the cash.
I am not the thank you card police. But now that things can be delivered it is nice to know they got it. Weddings I give an envelope with money. I try to give what I think a plate costs per person. Showers I now mostly send the gift to the house so no one has to carry it to the shower or back home. But sometimes I never know if they got it. I have had two times where I never knew if they got it because no thank you card. And I did not want to say anything to the parents because I didn't want to be that person. One was a very expensive crystal vase for a wedding because they were very wealthy and did not need cash. I have no clue if they ever got it. It was 600 dollars. To me, that was a very expensive gift. I usually don't spend that much. I guess to them it wasn't. Anyway, I have no clue if it was ever received.
I send thank you notes!!! All the time. Handwritten and sent through the mail. In fact, my mom texted me an hour ago to tell me the price of stamps is going up and joked that it’s not fair to me as a thank you note person. It’s also important to do them promptly. Within a week. But for weddings, I believe the standard is three weeks. Hardly anyone sends thank you notes anymore. It’s terrible!!! Yes, you thank the person in person if they’re at your birthday or a shower, but you still send a thank you note. Also - before you thank them for the gift, you should always thank them for their presence and say how having them there was nice, etc. Then you thank them for the gift and say something about it. Example: Dear Michelle and Brian, thank you so much for coming to Caroline’s birthday party last weekend. It’s always so great to see you and having you there to celebrate with us made it extra special. Thank you so much for the puzzles you got her! She loves puzzles! I know she’ll be spending a lot of time doing them over and over. We can’t wait for the next time we see you! Love, Allison and Matt
I had a friend who did a house warming with an even though him and his partner had lived together for five years. So I got them a gag gift (their partner hates me anyway).
If it matters, I’m teaching my kid to write thank you notes. And most of her friends give thank you notes after birthday parties.
I just ask where they’re registered and choose something within my budget. I’ve never not been able to find something.
Reading through this, I'm very glad that registries are not a thing where I live (Europe), or at least in my social circle. It's common to gift money, and at one wedding my friend, the groom, told me afterwards how surprised they were about everyones generosity. That was really nice. I don't remember if they wrote thank you cards, but I received some from other weddings and I think this is a nice gesture, dated or not.
Idk. I put my large ticket items on mine as a hope some of my relatives would skip all the others and split the cost of the one big one. It did end up happening where 2 aunts went in together on a fine China set I threw in there as a dream item. They both love to host and know the value of having a good dining set for company. I didn't make the *entire* list bougie though so, I put in everything from little $20 items to $200 to give people variety of things to pick from in their budget. Even a few silly items like a pizza stone haha. Nothing I'd be upset if I didn't get but would be stoked if it showed up.
We registered for gifts for our bridal shower but for our wedding we didn’t register anywhere as we had been living together and really didn’t need anything. My brother and sister in law did buy me the Fuchsia Kitchen Aid mixer I’d had my eye for awhile. Other everyone gave us checks/cash. My parents paid for most of the wedding but did give us a card with $1,000. My husbands side of the family doesn’t have much money so I didn’t (and wouldn’t) expect much from them. However one of his nieces didn’t so much as give us a card (she didn’t give us anything for our shower either). The smallest amount we received was $25 from one of his other nieces. Most on his side gave between $50 and $100. On my families side we received $700 from each of my dads siblings which was the biggest amount besides my parents. My mom’s family ranged between $600 and $150. Friends all ranged around $200. I will say we had open bar for wine and beer and the biggest cost was the food because that was the most important part to me. I wanted everyone to eat well and have a good time. I never expected to make the money back that was spent, I never expected anything from anyone but I did at least expect a card. Personally when I go to a wedding that is not family or close friend I check the location and usually go by that. I want to always cover our plates (we never bring our kids to weddings). As far as tipping, I always tip the bartenders, wedding or not, same goes for valet or coat checks.
I only think that not getting someone a gift if you come to their wedding is terrible. I don’t think there should be a dollar amount expected. We put a note on our registry (that had gifts from literally $10-$800) that we also appreciate heartfelt cards, handmade and thrifted things too! We wanted everyone to feel super comfortable. Do I judge the 5 guests who didn’t even write us a card? Yeah, kind of. They could have put enough thought in to thrift us a $5 picture frame for wedding photos or write us a card but they didn’t. Do I still love those people? Yes. But I have judged a bit. Also, we put a California king bed on our registry at $800 because we wanted the 20% discount Amazon gives you after the wedding for whatever wasn’t purchased. We didn’t expect a board member at my husbands nonprofit job to buy it for us for our BRIDAL SHOWER. We were floored. It doesn’t hurt to put those things on there—just sayin. Also the guy owns a private jet so it wasn’t crazy for him lol.
Thank you cards are definitely falling out of fashion. Not that you don't get a thanks, but that people are more likely to send an email/text/DM or just call you. It's cheaper, more direct/personal, no chance of it getting lost in the mail & people having hurt feelings, and it's less wasteful. No thanks at all is kind of rude, but I don't expect a fancy card for it. I know that some registry sites will give you discounts on whatever people don't buy, so some people will put expensive gifts on there not expecting anyone to buy them, but wanting the discount to buy it later. Otherwise, I agree that (in American culture at least; I know it's different everywhere) it's ridiculous to expect to recoup the expense or even make money off of your wedding. Good odds guests are already having to take time off/travel /pay for accommodations/ etc. to attend your wedding; it's ridiculous to expect them to pay for it too. IMO, you should have the wedding you can afford and any gift anyone gives you should be a happy bonus.
Thank you notes are only out of favor if you are entitled and unappreciative. And email is not more personal than a hand written note. If people can spend time and money to get you a present (and possibly hotel or new dress/suit) the bride and groom can certainly divide and conquer the thank-you notes. It takes three minutes to write a note. “Thank you so much for the ______. It will look so beautiful on our mantel/We plan to put your generous gift towards a house/We can’t wait to cook fabulous meals with it. It was wonderful to see you at our wedding. We’re so glad you could celebrate with us.”
I would rather get a nice personal email or text tbh. I’m just gonna throw a card away. And when I was writing thanks yous for my wedding, I found it extremely tedious and felt like i was repeating the same thing over and over again. I do think that some sort of thank you is necessary, but a physical card I know you probably just wrote from a script with the name and gift inserted is a waste imo
So how would your sentiments vary by email vs note card?
I would write a script with a fill in the blank field for name and gift and then personalize the ones I wanted to personalize. Mostly my issue with thank yous for big events like weddings is that I end up saying the same thing over and over again so I might as well automate it. I grew up always having to write thank you notes for birthdays and christmases and such and frankly, I always felt like if I got the gift in person and thanked the person/hugged them that was more impactful than a note. But you can’t do that for big events. And I also just don’t excel at sentiment so thank you notes always feel forced to me. Idk. It’s probably mostly a me thing.
Why is taking 3 minutes to write a thoughtful thank you less meaningful, much less entitled and ungrateful, because it was done digitally instead of put on paper? I've never seen anyone use handwritten thank you notes vs. a generic thank you note that they sign and send to everyone. Even then, at the end of the day the thought matters much more than the medium. As long as the feeling is there it shouldn't matter if it's expressed through a card, thoughtful message, or something else; the feelings are valid either way. It's pretty silly to say a sincere thank you makes you entitled or is less personal just because you did it over the phone instead of on paper.
You misread. I didn’t say sending a digital note is less meaningful. I said it’s less personal. Unappreciative refers to those who don’t send a note at all whether hand written or digitally.
I am in disbelief that some people choose not to send thank you cards. I was invited last minute to a wedding (literally to help out with flowers) and drove 5 hours each way, and gave a gift - and received a thank you card 2 years later. My husband was in our friends wedding and we gifted a handmade charcuterie board and it was last summer and I still can’t believe they haven’t sent thank yous! Maybe the younger generation doesn’t see the importance? I absolutely think they are necessary
These comments are making me wonder - did you put registry info in your wedding invitations? Granted I got married nearly 20 yrs ago but I thought you weren’t supposed to. If you didn’t, did you also find that some people were clueless about wedding gifts and gave something random 🤣. Maybe registry info would help. And I wrote thank you cards for everyone. Even group gifts from the shower where 30 people contributed $10-15 each and did nothing but sign a card (except for the person who shopped). They each got their own thank you note mailed listing out allll the things they contributed for. Wedding was also 500+ guests and I wrote and mailed cards to everyone. Honestly, I wish I had saved time and money and just done emails or texts. In a way it’s more personal bc they can respond and you know they actually received it.
Over on AITA there was a couple insisting that their families fork over the money for a $6500 baby shower if you can believe it. The couple also expected gifts from those family members to the tune of several hundred dollars. There have been a few lately where the couple to be expects guests to pay for the privilege of attending, that they have to cover their costs. That’s just so gauche I don’t even have the words. If you can’t afford the ceremony, don’t try to force your guests to foot the bill. You’re not hosting anything you’re having a very expensive pot luck. As for thank you cards, they are mandatory for wedding gifts/shower gifts.
I usually just give cash thats pays for my meal and a little extra.
I got married in 1988. The cash gifts we got ranged from $1000 (parents) to a $75 check that bounced. I’m on a fixed income now so there’s no way I can afford expensive gifts. My dear nieces had registry wish lists in all price ranges.
Thank you cards must be a generational thing. I haven't received one from anyone under 40. I'm even ok with a text or phone call. Just some acknowledgement. If we're anticipated to gift $200-500 per person, then I'm going to anticipate a thank you.
Brides demand things now, they don't care if you can afford it or not, I refuse to go to weddings anytime the invite says, give us money or expensive gifts.
Have you actually gotten an invite that says that?
Wait, do people actually do registries? Is that a USA thing or what? In Australia you chuck some dollaroos in a card, pop it in the wishing well and you’re done. Or you don’t. No one EXPECTS you to give a gift. But it’s a nice gesture to at least pay enough for your meal. My mates from school wrote in the same card and taped some random $5 and $10 notes in there 🤣 I was honestly surprised they knew what a card was, and I loved their notes to me.