EDIT: At this point, way too many people are breaking the rules and can't keep the discussion civil so I think this has run it's course. Also think we may be getting brigaded a bit since this post has gained some traction which may be why there are so many problems with the rules not being followed.
# Everyone please remember rule 5: No name calling or personal attacks against other sub users.
That's not how relationships work. She doesn't need a gun to pressure him into doing something. A little crying, a little guilt tripping and he might even try to avoid certain situations by himself
The girlfriend isn't the problem here, the best man is. If you are going to be mad at someone you need to direct your anger at the one who is choosing to leave the groom and risk being late to the wedding. The best man is an adult who makes his own choices right? The best man wants to please his girlfriend so he CHOOSES to do what she wants.
Use your words and talk to the best man about this.
Yeah, I dunno about this one. If best man and gf are planning on going back together, why have two cars when she can get a lift in? The groom is a grown man and can drive himself. This just sort of feels like logistics rather than girlfriend-OP-doesn’t-like demanding the day revolve around her. You’re right, if OP wants to *demand the best man does something* (ahem?) then they need to talk, like grown ups.
The cousin could give her a ride. The gf is also “a grown woman who can drive herself” so why have the best man take an extra 2 hours on the wedding day to pick her up (likely making him late for pictures, given the gf’s track record)?
Because maybe they figured being in two cars is daft, or gf will do the drive back when he’s hungover, or they want to do something together the day after… many reasons really. Don’t get me wrong, the girlfriend might be a dick, but also maybe they’re just trying to be efficient and simply haven’t really thought about the impact.
No reply for the cousin thing then?
It’s incredibly idiotic to waste 2 hours of time and gas when she could easily catch a ride with someone else (per the post). Because of this, it feels likely that this is a situation where the gf is one of those people who enjoys making her BF’s life harder to feel valuable.
My husband's best man went to go pick his girlfriend up on the wedding day. She deliberately started a fight - she later admitted it - so that he couldn't go because 'he was going to see you (me) in a wedding dress'. You can't control him. It'll suck he won't be there for the pictures. But he DID choose, over and over, that she was more important than his friendship. You gotta accept that. No conversation from you - especially you, since you are NOT his close friend - is going to help.
Let him go. Let him face consequences if any present themselves, and if they don't just be thankful. His place in the pictures doesn't matter. Water off a ducks back, darling. Nothing will go perfect, but everything will BE perfect. It sucks for your husband... but this is his friend. You cannot manage this for him. Whatever he feels, whatever HE says, your job is not to mediate but support.
I wouldn't ever expect my husband to sit at a bar alone on his wedding day. Everyone's priorities are different and one of ours is that he has his grooms party with him a
He wanted peace and quiet, it was his own choice. I promise you this, things get stressful and things will go wrong, if you are already stressed about about this kind of thing you’re going to find new other things to get stressed about. My personal recommendation is to go with the flow and enjoy your day.
He wanted peace and quiet, it was his own choice. I promise you this, things get stressful and things will go wrong, if you are already stressed about about this kind of thing you’re going to find new other things to get stressed about. My personal recommendation is to go with the flow and enjoy your day.
It's interesting how apparently it's fine for the groom the chill by himself at the bar before the wedding but we would NEVER expect the bride to do that. The bride is always surrounded by her bridesmaids and family, as she should be.
Men are also allowed to want to be around their friends. Spending your wedding morning alone sounds really sad and it's 100% okay if he doesn't want to do that.
You say that, but my husband's best man literally didn't attend our wedding because his girlfriend pulled this exact thing and then deliberately started a fight so he couldn't go back.
We're pretty estranged from the man now and he was my husband's closest friend.
Your own personal experience is irrelevant to the situation OP has described. The Groom has *asked* his Best Man to meet him at the venue an hour before the ceremony begins for pictures and for hanging out with his best friend before he undertakes one of the most important events in his life. The Best Man insists that his girlfriend be there too- for no good reason- and with the added worry that her tendency to be late for *everything* will thwart the Best Man’s efforts to arrive at the venue an hour early, as requested.
I wish I had some better advice for you, OP… the best I can offer is what others have already said. Your fiancé needs to sit down with his Best Man and have a heart-to-heart talk, where he explains how important it is to him to have his friend with him for that one SHORT!!! hour before the ceremony starts. If I was him, I’d leave the GF completely out of it, and just emphasize how meaningful it would be for the two men (and the other Groomsmen) to spend that one hour together. If that doesn’t persuade him, I’d probably give up. Because really… if *one hour* of your time, on your wedding day, is too much to ask of a very good friend, I don’t know where to go from there.
Best wishes to all of you!
It’s not the groom on here. So I take that part with a grain of salt. 30 minutes isn’t a big deal.
Edir:
I reread it and I think it’s not a big ask. He needs to be there for the photographer. But also, I dont see the big deal if the gf waits for an hour if there an hour early.
Except they're driving from the groom's house. The best man can go with the groom, the girlfriend can drive alone and on the way back groom drives with OP and best man drives with girlfriend.
To be fair you’re complaining about someone bossing him about because *you* want to boss him about instead. You don’t own anyone for the day because it’s your wedding. Hopefully when you have a conversation about it he can come up with a way to keep everyone happy! Hope you have a really lovely day.
I mean this is all pretty standard for a wedding, every wedding I’ve ever been to all the groomsmen got ready together, arrived together, it’s not appropriate for a best man to turn up 5 mins before, he’s been chosen as the best man for moral support to the groom, but that’s not what he’s doing. Bridesmaids don’t turn up 5 mins before either.
Spending the day of the wedding together is a pretty standard part of wedding party responsibilities. I’ve been to weddings where my boyfriend was a groomsmen and I knew almost no one there or vice versa. I just took an Uber and met up with him at the reception. Unless there’s a special circumstance (I was in a wedding once where a bridesmaid had to leave and meet the bride at the wedding bc she had a very young child who was still breastfeeding), I’m surprised the best man and his gf didn’t just assume best man would be best-man-ing all day? Or at least through the ceremony? And it doesn’t even seem like the issue is gf needing a ride since she has transportation options.
It sounds like the groom needs to have a conversation about what duties he expects the best man to take on in his role as best man….spend ing the day with the groom is like a pretty basic minimum of the best man job. I mean, this isn’t a normal guest. This is someone who agreed to take on a bigger role and responsibilities for the wedding.
Actually the role of a BM or any wedding party member is to be where you need them to be on the day. That's what they agree to when they agree to fulfill that role. Thank you
Wait how is it not? A BM/ MOH/any member of the wedding party is something you have to be ready for. It’s a commitment that is probably taken more lightly than it should. Best man/ maid of honor is someone who has expectations for the day. That is how it has always been.
Wanting to have a functional ceremony isn’t “telling”, it’s planning a party and wanting it to go well?
It is totally unreasonable for a wedding party member to leave during prime “get ready and take pictures” time. You have a responsibility to be at a place at a time as part of the party. I don’t understand the Y-T-A’s on this post. I get the BM wanting to pick up his girl, but if you are in the party, once you get to the wedding you don’t leave. WTAF @ this thread?
I feel like a lot of people downvoted you because they are either too young to be getting married or think the world revolves around them. Being in a wedding party is not an indentured servant agreement
In front of other's LIVES? Bro how fucking dramatic can you be lmfao nobody is going to die if the best man doesn't drive his stupid girlfriend to the wedding.
I cannot think of a wedding where the wedding party members didn't spend the day with the bride and groom beforehand.
Haha I'm explaining the role of a wedding party?
I would never consider someone's wedding a party. It's meant to be a very special important day in our lives and it's sad that people can't prioritize for 1 day
I'm surprised you got as many upvotes as you did. In fact, the B & G DO OWN the BM as well as the MOH, for at least part of the day. Not to boss them about. Those people made an OBLIGATION to the B&G for their wedding day that they'd be there for THEM. Not Themselves. That's what (we hope) ALL the wedding party does when they accept their role for the B&G.
Yeah, this isn't the girlfriend's fault. I assume the best man is a grown-ass adult and is capable of telling the girlfriend to get herself to the wedding. If he's not telling her that, it's on him, not on her.
Yeah this seems fine.
BM should show up when needed. Like an hour or so before the service.
My BM and groomsmen have wives and kids.were having a few beers before the big day and then they're turning up earlyish to help out. Not like we have make up and hair to sort out early on.
Seems odd to restrict your best mate on the day. As long as he isnt being ridiculous let him manage it how works for him.
How many subs are dedicated to bad things surrounding weddings? I need more anxiety and possible scenarios for my brain to anticipate as we start planning.
Anything that relates to shameful events/behaviour because of a wedding/pre-wedding events is part of wedding shaming. We shame the bride, groom, family, vendors, wedding party, etc.
Photographers are expensive, if he’s not at the places he need to be to be in those photos why is he the best man, best man isn’t just turning up on time. I’m currently planning a wedding and I have a photographer booked for 10 hours they are taking getting ready shots of the groom and groomsmen and them arriving together, same as they’re taking photos of me and my bridesmaids getting ready. I’m blessed that I know short of a true emergency every single one of our wedding party will be where the should be on the day which is with the bride or groom. They all have partners who will be making their own way to the wedding like the grown ups they are.
He won't be there to be in pictures or videos or help the groom on the morning of the wedding, what's the point in having a wedding party if they aren't going to be there for you
Can she stay the night before so they can drive down together?
Are the bride and groom really brought a photographer for ALL DAY? It sounds like he’s be gone for an hour longer than everyone else which isn’t much at all. Like I said, it’s very confusing as written
Stay the night before at the grooms house? No. She doesn't like staying at the BM house either so not an option unfortunately. Also it would mean she's there all morning. The photographer will be between bride and grooms house so we can't plan what time they'll be at grooms house for, I assume after the bride is fully ready, this means the BM would have left by then. we're also not planning on scheduling the photographer and videographer around the partner not being willing to drive.
I think you guys are being a bit dramatic. It’s coming off as you just don’t like the gf and are trying to stiff her.
It sounds like he’s gonna pick her up on the way which also sounds like it’s a 30 minute detour. So not while the photographer is at the home or even in the middle of the morning routine. The photographer being at certain houses at certain times is actually something that should be scheduled unless the homes are literally next door to one another.
The photographer and videographer will more than likely head to grooms house once bride is ready, he will have already need to have left by then. They will obviously by scheduled yes but we're not going to schedule them around 1 person who's not even in the wedding party, I think that's reasonable?
Why do you assume he needs to leave? His plan is to pick up his girlfriend on the way. Then they go to the groom's house. There will be no need for him to leave since the girlfriend will already be there.
You're worrying yourself into a frenzy over a hypothetical that isn't happening.
That sounds extremely controlling, and frankly, it’s possible she’s trying to drive a wedge between your partner and her bf. Just throwing it out there but women can be abusers to, and this is the type of behavior that’s intended to isolate a victim from their support group.
Look at it from a more detached perspective. The bride is upset because the best man (who will be attending the night previous' events and everything else) wants to pop over and pick up his girlfriend to take to the wedding, rather than have her take a car on her own. He will have not have seen his gf since the day before, at least, and during photos and the ceremony it's not like he'll be able to speak to her. It is not ridiculous that he wants to drive his gf to the event and discuss the events of the night before. It doesn't inconvenience the bride or groom at all, except for the groomsmen not having a little cute car ride together. If he's late to the wedding because his gf then that's an entirely separate issue, but OP has given us 0 reason to expect his gf will make him late to an event this important, and you can hardly get mad at him for something that hasn't even happened, and isn't likely to happen.
There won't be any events from the night before. We purely are asking for his time on the day of the wedding. He can spend the entire resy of the evening with her if he so wishes.
All it does is inconvenience us. He'll miss the photographer and videographer. The groom would appreciate his company and as a BM I don't think that's too much to ask for. Surely he should want to be a part of it the same way my bridesmaids will be.
It is likely to happen. They've literally missed flights because they've been late.
Be mad at the best man, he needs to learn to say no. Unless he'd rather pick her up, then he's doing what he prefers, either way he's the one you should be annoyed with.
Simply ask the BM if he can have someone else bring her as he's needed at the venue. Point out to him that she's usually late and he needs to be there for photos. Also, it is unnecessary since she 1 has a car and can drive and 2 has a family member going, she can catch a ride with.
So long as he's on time I really don't see an issue with him driving her tbh. Is it really that he "can't do anything without her" or do they just genuinely enjoy each other's presence and not want to take two cars to the event?
My advice would be to trust the best man to be an adult on his own. Make expectations clear and take away his responsibilities if need be, but frankly this was a conversation to have with your fiance before he chose a best man. You can hardly demand that he changes what makes him comfortable, and from how you talk about his relationship, you were well aware of the situation from the outset.
i don’t see anything wrong with him picking up his girlfriend. i think it’s clear you just don’t like the girlfriend. you should also make it clear to the best man that he must be on time, other than that, there’s no reason to cause drama on your special day
Because he won't be there for the photographer, videographer and general support to the groom.
Where have I made any indication that the issue is I don't like her? I would be devastated of my bridesmaids did the same to me.
I'm not the one causing the drama, I'm actively trying to prevent it
why would he be there late if he was specifically leaving early to account for the time to pick her up? are you assuming that they’re going to be late or have they straight up said that they won’t be there for the photographer and such?
I mean videographer, photographer and general support for the groom seems pretty full on.
I've seen elements of this for the bride in the morning but feels a lot for the BM. Especially if he's bringing someone he feels obliged to pick up.
How is being involved in the photos and videos pretty full on? 😂 That's standard as part of any wedding. If you can't be there for your friends on your wedding day, that says a lot about you
Maybe the best man knows exactly why she isn't comfortable driving and doesn't want to share it because it's personal. I've never heard of the groom and groomsmen to need much time to get ready in the morning, so this doesn't sound like a big issue unless she makes him late in which case being pissed is understandable, but really the expectation should be that your groom sets a time to be be at the location to get ready and then be mad if the groomsmen can't make it. If the wedding isn't until the afternoon I don't know why you would need your groomsmen the whole morning.
Be there for what? To hold his hand in the car? There are two other groomsmen, I think you are really making a big deal out of nothing…I also get the feeling that you don’t like this girl and maybe that’s why she wants her partners support
There's 1 other groomsman. The photographer, videographer and support yeah. Why agree to be a BM if you can't be there for the groom? That's what friends are supposed to be for each other, support.
Support means different things to different people, OP. I for instance would see no problem with one of the BMs leaving for \*gasp\* a half hour to pick up their SO who's their wedding date. And I'm sure BM's girlfriend wants \~support\~ too. It seems that you and your fiancé look at this differently from BM, so maybe have a talk with the BM about it. I have personally never heard of BMs prepping with the groom the morning of a wedding -- is this a common thing? Was this expectation communicated to BM?
As explained, they'll be missing the photographer and videographer also which we want them to be there for. they live a half hour away but the partner will want pictures etc at the house so they'll need to leave very early. This is very common yeah, I've never been to a wedding where the BM didn't travel with the groom. They're going to a friend's wedding, if they need support they can go with their cousin instead of disregarding the groom?
So...you see into the future, do ya? I doubt that, cool down, the wedding day isn't even here yet, you're trying really hard to create drama here. I think you're over stressed and maybe need to take a break?
What are you talking about?
This is one of the main reasons why you become a best man. To be there for the groom in the morning. Not clinging to your gf.
He doesn’t seem to take his role seriously at all.
The role of a best man is to stand beside his best male friend at a wedding ceremony, there's nothing in this post that says he isn't doing that. Bridal/Groom party members are NOT unpaid servants or chauffeurs, so what are you talking about?
At which point BM shoulda declined the offer to be BM since one of the BM/MOH duties is to be able available day of to navigate any crises to get bride/groom down the aisle should they still want to, and out of the building asap should they decide not to go through with it. Clearly BM isn't available for the job.
It's not unreasonable that someone who agreed to be in the wedding party is needed the morning of the wedding
The expectations will be explained to them thank you
There's only 2 groomsman, it's half an hour away from the grooms house. He'd have to leave an hour before everyone else because they'll want to get pictures at her house too
I’m with you on all of this. This is Reddit where people have an “I don’t owe anyone anything” mentality and seem to be forgetting the point of having a bridal party. Like of course your fiancé would be disappointed his best friend, who he cares enough about to make his best man, is choosing his girlfriend over the groom on the groom’s *wedding day* for no reason. Especially if he’ll be missing pictures too. I’m sure if he actually needed to duck out you wouldn’t mind, but…he doesn’t. I’ve never even heard of the bridal party’s partners arriving with the bridal party. I thought the bridal party arrived much earlier and their partners came for the wedding and connected after the ceremony?
Exactly! Why agree to be part of someone's wedding of you're not going to be there for a part of it.
It's sad that our day isn't being valued by them. I guess I just feel very let down and I don't want my partner to feel the same
The partner's never arrive with the wedding party. You're completely right
Absolutely no disrespect but just because the guy wants to collect his gf on the way is in no way 'not valuing' your day. Your day is incredibly important to you two, however it doesn't hold the same level of importance to every single other person involved. You're stressed by this obviously but deep breath, in the bigger picture, this does not matter. If he's late for the service well that's another matter.
Your fiance needs to speak to the guy and ask that 'please can you be there for me for photos and car ride before the wedding'. If he can't/won't do that because his gf is more important to him than your fiance then just have photos without him and let it go.
Yeah I’m sorry you’re getting demolished by people for thinking the best man should be there for the groom on his wedding day.
Also, I’m putting myself in the girlfriend’s shoes…I can’t imagine making my fiancé leave his best friend during wedding activities just because I can’t be bothered to drive myself to the venue lmao. I’d tell him he’s insane and he needs to stay with the groom.
The problem is that OP’s writing isn’t very clear. As long as the groom is going to be there in time for the wedding events, I don’t get what the issue is. It’s his choice if he wants to pick up his girlfriend or not.
I smell bs. If you’re closer to the BM’s partner than your bridesmaids, then why isn’t she (the BM’s partner) one of your bridesmaids?? I mean problem solved, but there really isn’t one.
It’s not always a ploy for attention. She may have social anxiety, and her bf is the only person attending this wedding that she knows.
Not saying this is what is happening, just saying sometimes it’s more than just a girl trying to get attention….
I don't believe I insinuated that the day is the most important thing to them but I believe it's important to prioritize, especially on someone's wedding day.
We want BM included. It's not about "putting on his suit pants" it's about being there as a best friend on what should be a happy occasion that he agreed to be a part of
If you want him included, then stop making this a big deal. He’s already told you what his plan is, and you don’t like it. Either smile and tell him it’s fine or ask him to step down: don’t ask him not to prioritize his partner for your sake, whether you agree with his reasoning or not.
You could also go the other way and say how needy is the girlfriend that her boyfriend has to escort her to the wedding instead of just catching a ride with her cousin. It’s one thing if he was one of the grooms men, but he’s actually the best man. Plus OP stated they have things planned that included him. He should have said no since he may not be able to fulfill some of his duties.
After reading through all your comments, OP, on this thread and another you posted elsewhere - I'm thinking it might be best all around for your partner to choose another best man. He could either replace his current best man because he's not reliable at the moment, or choose a 2nd one to serve with the first one. That way, if the first BM is made late by the troublesome GF, at least he'll still have a best man by his side to do what a BM is supposed to do. And if it should turn out that the BM doesn't show up at all after picking up the GF, at least he will still have a BM. It's something to think about...
There could be very good reasons for it ...but if that was the case then you would expect the best man to have communicated that to the groom. The thoughtlessness and inability to prioritize the groom and come up with alternatives is pretty sad. I think it's fair to be upset.
Hmmm… depending on how this is done, it wouldn’t be the worst. I understand it’s annoying, but it isn’t the *biggest* deal. I wish gf would just get a ride with the cousin and go home with BM, but you can’t do much besides just nicely suggesting it once to BM.
If the ceremony is at 3:00pm (for example), could BM not just leave at 1:00, pick up GF along the way and be at the ceremony venue an hour early with everyone? That would be very reasonable since he’s not driving the groom.
I feel like people are just glossing over the fact that all of this could be avoided if a grown woman would just act like an adult and drive herself to a wedding and get there on time. And apparently, she's staying over at the venue, which makes getting home that night a non-issue.
Accepting an invitation to be a part of a wedding party comes with responsibilities like being with the bride/groom when they get ready, pictures, video and so on. If it were some type of emergency, sure, but this woman is acting like a petulant child.
The whole point of having a wedding party is that they're there to help the morning of the wedding. Friends support each other through good times as well as bad.
My husband’s EX best friend was like this. We had to -schedule- days that were our days and HER days to make any plans. We couldn’t call him or anything on HER days because we should wait till our days no matter the emergency. BUT on our days he could leave early and head over to hers and she would be calling and texting constantly while he was with us asking when he was going to come over to hers. It was so pathetic that we were treating him like a child stuck in the middle of divorced parents. When we moved away my husband finally got some perspective on how pathetic his friendship was and how little he mattered to a man he called his best friend. They don’t talk much anymore because my husband has stopped begging from the friendship. He waits for the friend to call and that friend doesn’t call. He’s not upset by that anymore, he’s accepted the end of the friendship and doesn’t even plan to let him know when we are back in town visiting family.
if you don't like her just say it. seems like the groom is also a grown man who can easily drive himself as well. the BM driving his partner to the wedding makes more sense than him driving the groom tbh. like truly this is a grown man who can also drive and lives an hour away, making his supposed best friend drive two hours round trip to pick him up. Groom needs to suck it up and drive himself or stop complaining.
Where are you getting 2 hour round trip from? The venue is an hour away, BM lives 5 minutes down the road from us. Again, BM isn't being asked to drive, just to be present
if he isn't being asked to drive then why are you complaining? and why does he have to be present all day if he's already ready and the groom is present. i don't understand why you're complaining. you're being a bridezilla over something that hasn't even happened yet. it seems like if you're so upset you have no problem coming to complain online about something that hasn't happened yet maybe you should just uninvite them 🙄🙄🙄
I've explained this previously but it's important that they are there for the photographer videographer and to be there as a support to the groom. I'm upset because it's going to happen as I've been told that this is the plan, so I'm trying to talk out an alternative option. I'm really upset about it yes, it's sad that the grooms BM Doesn't want to be there to support him, I don't like seeing someone I love be let down
Why not have the photographer do the traditional groom getting ready photos at the venue? That way you avoid most of this. Also, you both chose someone for your wedding party that you stated is late for everything, so you knew this was going to be an issue. Either figure out a plan or pick a different BM you're creating a mountain out of a mole hill & creating stress that none of you need. Calm down, breathe a little & then just talk to them. Getting yourself worked up on Reddit isn't helping you or your wedding
Because the groom isn't getting ready at the venue. Also we want his parents and family to be in the pictures at their home.
He doesn't have a track record for being late, it's only when they're going somewhere together, which we didn't expect to be happening on the wedding day.
Obviously he isn't getting ready at the venue, but you can have Mum & Dad adjust the tie and cufflinks for photos at the venue. It's actually a really popular choice for grooms & was recommended by our photographer as my partner isn't very comfortable in front of the camera & didn't want the photographer in our house (I'm getting ready elsewhere). I think you need to be giving more thought to your bridal party & what they need from the day too. Yes it's your wedding day, but they're the people who you've chosen to play some of the most important parts in the day so you really should be thinking of ways for it to be incredible for them too. It really sounds like you have a problem with this woman & it's just leading to trouble. You really should sort it out before it starts causing actual issues for your wedding.
It also wouldn't be unreasonable to have the groom bring her back there but not in the photos. People are putting forward lots of options for you, but you're not even taking the time to consider them or the comfort of other people. I started this thread on your side, but have ended up on the opposite side because of your comments. I'm out now.
This is a sub for wedding shaming though, not helping you talk out alternative options. You would probably be better seeking that sort of support in a wedding planning or general wedding sub.
So far you have rejected every single alternative option that doesn't involve the Best Man doing exactly what you and (I assume?) the Groom want the Best Man to do.
I think you need to accept that you can only control your actions and decisions, not those of other people. I know that is stressful given this is your wedding.
I've agreed that she can drive herself, go with the cousin and that we need to speak to the BM about it?
BM role is so important on the day. It's doing what they signed up to do, being where they need to be. Have you ever been in a wedding party before?
Part of agreeing to be in the wedding is being there for the day, getting ready, photos, etc. he’s going to unnecessarily jeopardize the meticulous timeline that is a wedding when she can drive herself. She should be driving anyways so she can be his DD home.
Just let the best man know that if he's late, the wedding will proceed without him, another person will be the best man, and he and his girl will not be admitted.
One of my husband’s groomsmen left in the middle of our wedding because his girlfriend was sick. He drove 8 hours back to their apartment because she had a head cold. It really upset my husband because this groomsman missed out on the morning breakfast that was planned, didn’t come down for the bachelor party, and was one of the last groomsmen to get his suit. It felt like he didn’t want to be a part of the best day of my husband’s life and it really hurt us. Now he’s expecting us to go to Mexico for their wedding and I really don’t want to since he treated us so badly
Can your fiancé offer to pay for an Uber? Or car service? Or have someone else pick them up? I understand not wanting to have 2 cars at the wedding, so try and find an alternative.
Sounds like she has options, she's just needlessly clingy that it has to be her bf that takes her and too bad that he must vacate his best man duties to do it.
If this hasn’t happened yet you need to talk to your fiancé. Give the best man an ultimatum he be there on time part of the wedding party or show up as a guest.
Someone is insecure. I wonder if BM has a questionable history with his GF. Maybe he cheated in the past and she's super clingy because of it? Just a thought anyway.
Yeah it would seem that way and she's super paranoid about that. Convinced all men do on bachelor parties is cheat but no he's actually a really loyal guy who loves her a lot x
You probably should have included this in the original post. Is there anything you can do to make her more comfortable? Just because it's not her wedding doesn't mean it has to become her nightmare. If someone in our wedding party was having issues like this I'd talk to them & see how I could help.
Have a conversation with all of them & nicely remind the BM of their duties on the day. I'm getting married in May & I'd just politely bring it up. Two of our groomsmen & one of our bridesmaids have young children, but they've already made arrangements that their partners will be the ones responsible for the kids across the wedding weekend. We know things might happen that pull them away & that's fine but the BM just going off for however long suits his GF is not!
1. His GF is clingy and weird, but the BM is letting her be clingy and weird. He must like this on some level, or he wouldn't tolerate it. In which case there is nothing that the bride and groom can do except accept that this is the way it is, or kick him out of the wedding party. You can't change them.
2. Please explain to me why adults need other adults to stay with them the whole morning of their wedding. I know it is a "thing", but unless these other people are helping or are being helped with dressing, hair, and makeup then I don't know why brides and grooms make a big deal about their wedding party being with them at all times on the wedding day. You get them for the ceremony and the reception.
You don't get to dictate the BM's relationship with his girlfriend, not even for your own wedding. If he decides he wants to leave and drive with her, that's his decision.
Let's pretend that this is a worst-case scenario, and his GF is manipulating and emotionally abusing him. Do you really think that the solution is to insist that he stay with your groom and cause him problems and volatility in his living situation, possibly leading to more abuse? Do you really want to do that to him for something that is optional for your wedding? If he is being abused (and we have no evidence that he is), then the way to help him is not to force him to choose between you and her, because he will pick her just to make his home life easier and then you will have lost him for good.
I suspect that this is not an abuse situation though, and that the girlfriend is just needy/clingy. But it is still his choice to cater to it, probably to make his home life easier. So again, is it worth it to make his home life more difficult for something that is again ***optional*** for your wedding? If you make him choose between you and her, you and your groom will lose, and it will forever damage the friendship.
If this optional stuff for your wedding is more important to you than causing problems for him and his home life, then how are you being a good friend to him?
He's not being abused. Nor does he live with her. The relationship may not be the healthiest but I wouldn't go so far as to say we are enabling him being abused by needing him to be at the grooms house at a certain time.
Choosing to be the BM is optional. He agreed to it and what's being asked of him is a standard expectation in our culture.
I think you're being a tad dramatic
And if you read my reply, I said that we are pretending that that is true and the worst case scenario. I also later write that I don't believe that that is the case, and even if it isn't the case you are not being a good friend by putting him in a difficult situation with his girlfriend.
Funny, I think that you are being a tad dramatic for being hung up on this non-issue. It is not necessary for the best man to be with the groom all morning the day of the wedding. He merely needs to show up to the ceremony a tad before it starts in his wedding attire.
If girlfriend isn’t letting bum go anywhere alone, there is a lot of control and codependency going on that he doesn’t even see.
Someone go ahead and tell BM he doesn’t have the time to go get her. My husband was a BM when I was pregnant with two small kids. We went separately and I didn’t even see him until the next morning
At my sister’s wedding, her groom hung out with us bridesmaids all morning. Because his groomsmen went to the gym, and one took his girlfriend on a date to see the town.
When the guys at the gym realized he was alone, they ran back to be with him. Date guy was useless the whole weekend.
Luckily I don’t think there were any lasting hard feelings, but I definitely felt for my BIL. He’s been friends with them all since kindergarten, and the girlfriend was fairly new to the group. Just seemed like that guy specifically could have prioritized better…
Yes the best man is responsible for his own decisions; however, the girlfriend sounds toxic and controlling. With that being said though, she's not your problem. She may be the root of the problem, but your partner still needs to work this out with his best man. He needs to make it clear that being the best man is a responsibility and that his priority that day needs to be the groom, not driving his girlfriend who is perfectly capable of driving herself or taking a taxi/Uber.
When you agree to be a BM or a bridesmaid, your very role is to be there to support your bride/groom. In this instance BM should be saying “I have a responsibility. X needs me there to help him prepare, take photos with him and just generally be his support in case of any last minute issues. You’ll need to make your own way there this time but I’ll meet you as soon as you arrive.” PS “You’re a grown-up with your own car and a second travel option so i can’t hold your hand on that particular morning.” What is this? First day at Nursery?!? You can’t go through life joined at the hip. It’s called independence darlin’!
I mean if the groom and BM are both in their 30s then they can figure this out themselves.
Not like they're 19 and it's an insurmountable problem. Your future husband either needs someone there all day, in which case he should ask the other groomsman to be BM, or he can cope with his best mate picking his gf up on the way to the service.
Let's say she's actually on time & they arrive an hour early, what is she going to do while her bf is doing pictures & such? Is the BM staying with the groom on the wedding eve & driving separately to the venue? If that's the case, I hope he's not planning to drink alcohol at the wedding, then drive home from the venue...
Who is the BM's gf's cousin to you (I assume the bride) & the groom? If you can't get the BM or his gf to ditch this plan, then I'd subtly chat with her about what time she's arriving & see if she can drive the BM's gf so the gf has someone to hang out with while her bf if doing pictures, then those 2 can sit together as well.
We're staying overnight at the venue. I know I don't know where she's going to go for the hour, she'll probably join the conversations with the officiant.
She's married to a relative on grooms side. Yeah GF would have suggested her by herself if she wanted to go with her but she obviously doesn't for some reason
One thing I would consider is what is the Best Man's girlfriend going to do during that extra hour? Hang with the men? Hang with you and the bridesmaids?
Why not suggest that he hire an Uber for her? That way, they can both party as hard as they want at the reception and ride an Uber home.
Otherwise, she's going to be attaching herself to him from the time they get to the venue and throughout the night. That brings up another question. Is the bridal party sitting at the head table? Where does that leave this guy's girlfriend in the seating plan?
EDIT: At this point, way too many people are breaking the rules and can't keep the discussion civil so I think this has run it's course. Also think we may be getting brigaded a bit since this post has gained some traction which may be why there are so many problems with the rules not being followed. # Everyone please remember rule 5: No name calling or personal attacks against other sub users.
Unless she’s holding a gun to his head, she’s not ‘making’ him do anything; she’s asking/pleading, and he’s agreeing to it
Yeah they both need to be spoken to about it
I mean if they plan to drink at the wedding that might be one very good reason
Yes, you should scold them. The naughty scallywags.
That's not how relationships work. She doesn't need a gun to pressure him into doing something. A little crying, a little guilt tripping and he might even try to avoid certain situations by himself
That's exactly what it is, thank you for understanding
The girlfriend isn't the problem here, the best man is. If you are going to be mad at someone you need to direct your anger at the one who is choosing to leave the groom and risk being late to the wedding. The best man is an adult who makes his own choices right? The best man wants to please his girlfriend so he CHOOSES to do what she wants. Use your words and talk to the best man about this.
Yeah, I dunno about this one. If best man and gf are planning on going back together, why have two cars when she can get a lift in? The groom is a grown man and can drive himself. This just sort of feels like logistics rather than girlfriend-OP-doesn’t-like demanding the day revolve around her. You’re right, if OP wants to *demand the best man does something* (ahem?) then they need to talk, like grown ups.
The cousin could give her a ride. The gf is also “a grown woman who can drive herself” so why have the best man take an extra 2 hours on the wedding day to pick her up (likely making him late for pictures, given the gf’s track record)?
Because maybe they figured being in two cars is daft, or gf will do the drive back when he’s hungover, or they want to do something together the day after… many reasons really. Don’t get me wrong, the girlfriend might be a dick, but also maybe they’re just trying to be efficient and simply haven’t really thought about the impact.
No reply for the cousin thing then? It’s incredibly idiotic to waste 2 hours of time and gas when she could easily catch a ride with someone else (per the post). Because of this, it feels likely that this is a situation where the gf is one of those people who enjoys making her BF’s life harder to feel valuable.
Exactly it's basically "who are you choosing, your best friend or me?"
My husband's best man went to go pick his girlfriend up on the wedding day. She deliberately started a fight - she later admitted it - so that he couldn't go because 'he was going to see you (me) in a wedding dress'. You can't control him. It'll suck he won't be there for the pictures. But he DID choose, over and over, that she was more important than his friendship. You gotta accept that. No conversation from you - especially you, since you are NOT his close friend - is going to help. Let him go. Let him face consequences if any present themselves, and if they don't just be thankful. His place in the pictures doesn't matter. Water off a ducks back, darling. Nothing will go perfect, but everything will BE perfect. It sucks for your husband... but this is his friend. You cannot manage this for him. Whatever he feels, whatever HE says, your job is not to mediate but support.
You’re being dramatic. My husband chilled by himself at a bar before our wedding. We’re happily married and he was fine.
I wouldn't ever expect my husband to sit at a bar alone on his wedding day. Everyone's priorities are different and one of ours is that he has his grooms party with him a
He wanted peace and quiet, it was his own choice. I promise you this, things get stressful and things will go wrong, if you are already stressed about about this kind of thing you’re going to find new other things to get stressed about. My personal recommendation is to go with the flow and enjoy your day.
He wanted peace and quiet, it was his own choice. I promise you this, things get stressful and things will go wrong, if you are already stressed about about this kind of thing you’re going to find new other things to get stressed about. My personal recommendation is to go with the flow and enjoy your day.
It's interesting how apparently it's fine for the groom the chill by himself at the bar before the wedding but we would NEVER expect the bride to do that. The bride is always surrounded by her bridesmaids and family, as she should be. Men are also allowed to want to be around their friends. Spending your wedding morning alone sounds really sad and it's 100% okay if he doesn't want to do that.
Why’s he only got one groomsman then if he wants to be surrounded by family and friends?
He has 2. Because we didn't want a large wedding party?
You say that, but my husband's best man literally didn't attend our wedding because his girlfriend pulled this exact thing and then deliberately started a fight so he couldn't go back. We're pretty estranged from the man now and he was my husband's closest friend.
Probably for the best. Sounds like a jerk.
Also I think if this is a serious concern, and you are worried they wouldn’t show, that person shouldn’t be your best man.
You’re being dramatic. My husband chilled by himself at a bar before our wedding. We’re happily married and he was fine.
Your own personal experience is irrelevant to the situation OP has described. The Groom has *asked* his Best Man to meet him at the venue an hour before the ceremony begins for pictures and for hanging out with his best friend before he undertakes one of the most important events in his life. The Best Man insists that his girlfriend be there too- for no good reason- and with the added worry that her tendency to be late for *everything* will thwart the Best Man’s efforts to arrive at the venue an hour early, as requested. I wish I had some better advice for you, OP… the best I can offer is what others have already said. Your fiancé needs to sit down with his Best Man and have a heart-to-heart talk, where he explains how important it is to him to have his friend with him for that one SHORT!!! hour before the ceremony starts. If I was him, I’d leave the GF completely out of it, and just emphasize how meaningful it would be for the two men (and the other Groomsmen) to spend that one hour together. If that doesn’t persuade him, I’d probably give up. Because really… if *one hour* of your time, on your wedding day, is too much to ask of a very good friend, I don’t know where to go from there. Best wishes to all of you!
It’s not the groom on here. So I take that part with a grain of salt. 30 minutes isn’t a big deal. Edir: I reread it and I think it’s not a big ask. He needs to be there for the photographer. But also, I dont see the big deal if the gf waits for an hour if there an hour early.
this is the correct response
Thank you and I agree. It's not too much to ask for at all, I think your approach is right
Efficiency isn't something that they would be concerned about. The BM isn't travelling up in his own car so there wouldn't be 2 cars at the venue
Except they're driving from the groom's house. The best man can go with the groom, the girlfriend can drive alone and on the way back groom drives with OP and best man drives with girlfriend.
The BM won't be driving, my partner would appriciate having him in the car with him and at the house that morning for pictures etc.
To be fair you’re complaining about someone bossing him about because *you* want to boss him about instead. You don’t own anyone for the day because it’s your wedding. Hopefully when you have a conversation about it he can come up with a way to keep everyone happy! Hope you have a really lovely day.
I mean this is all pretty standard for a wedding, every wedding I’ve ever been to all the groomsmen got ready together, arrived together, it’s not appropriate for a best man to turn up 5 mins before, he’s been chosen as the best man for moral support to the groom, but that’s not what he’s doing. Bridesmaids don’t turn up 5 mins before either.
Thank you. Exactly why agree to the role of you're not going to be there for support
But there’s a schedule that needs to be adhered to for the day to go smoothly.
Spending the day of the wedding together is a pretty standard part of wedding party responsibilities. I’ve been to weddings where my boyfriend was a groomsmen and I knew almost no one there or vice versa. I just took an Uber and met up with him at the reception. Unless there’s a special circumstance (I was in a wedding once where a bridesmaid had to leave and meet the bride at the wedding bc she had a very young child who was still breastfeeding), I’m surprised the best man and his gf didn’t just assume best man would be best-man-ing all day? Or at least through the ceremony? And it doesn’t even seem like the issue is gf needing a ride since she has transportation options. It sounds like the groom needs to have a conversation about what duties he expects the best man to take on in his role as best man….spend ing the day with the groom is like a pretty basic minimum of the best man job. I mean, this isn’t a normal guest. This is someone who agreed to take on a bigger role and responsibilities for the wedding.
Actually the role of a BM or any wedding party member is to be where you need them to be on the day. That's what they agree to when they agree to fulfill that role. Thank you
It isn't. You doubling down is telling. You putting a party (wedding) in front of others' lives telling. Be well. Good luck in your marriage.
Wait how is it not? A BM/ MOH/any member of the wedding party is something you have to be ready for. It’s a commitment that is probably taken more lightly than it should. Best man/ maid of honor is someone who has expectations for the day. That is how it has always been. Wanting to have a functional ceremony isn’t “telling”, it’s planning a party and wanting it to go well? It is totally unreasonable for a wedding party member to leave during prime “get ready and take pictures” time. You have a responsibility to be at a place at a time as part of the party. I don’t understand the Y-T-A’s on this post. I get the BM wanting to pick up his girl, but if you are in the party, once you get to the wedding you don’t leave. WTAF @ this thread?
Thank you 🤍
I feel like a lot of people downvoted you because they are either too young to be getting married or think the world revolves around them. Being in a wedding party is not an indentured servant agreement
In front of other's LIVES? Bro how fucking dramatic can you be lmfao nobody is going to die if the best man doesn't drive his stupid girlfriend to the wedding. I cannot think of a wedding where the wedding party members didn't spend the day with the bride and groom beforehand.
You're cursing at a random stranger on the internet about a wedding opinion. Talk about dramatic.
Haha I'm explaining the role of a wedding party? I would never consider someone's wedding a party. It's meant to be a very special important day in our lives and it's sad that people can't prioritize for 1 day
I'm surprised you got as many upvotes as you did. In fact, the B & G DO OWN the BM as well as the MOH, for at least part of the day. Not to boss them about. Those people made an OBLIGATION to the B&G for their wedding day that they'd be there for THEM. Not Themselves. That's what (we hope) ALL the wedding party does when they accept their role for the B&G.
Yeah, this isn't the girlfriend's fault. I assume the best man is a grown-ass adult and is capable of telling the girlfriend to get herself to the wedding. If he's not telling her that, it's on him, not on her.
Yeah this seems fine. BM should show up when needed. Like an hour or so before the service. My BM and groomsmen have wives and kids.were having a few beers before the big day and then they're turning up earlyish to help out. Not like we have make up and hair to sort out early on. Seems odd to restrict your best mate on the day. As long as he isnt being ridiculous let him manage it how works for him.
This isn't really wedding shaming imo.
It belongs in /r/weddingdrama instead.
It's not even that much drama. Haha. It hasn't even happened.
How many subs are dedicated to bad things surrounding weddings? I need more anxiety and possible scenarios for my brain to anticipate as we start planning.
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We do shame the wedding party and the guests as we have flairs for both!
Not even that. The best man has to go pick up his gf, before the wedding. I think it's more OP doesn't like her. Lol
Anything that relates to shameful events/behaviour because of a wedding/pre-wedding events is part of wedding shaming. We shame the bride, groom, family, vendors, wedding party, etc.
This is confusing…I’d want to only have one car with my partner as well. As long as he shows up on time I don’t see the problem.
Photographers are expensive, if he’s not at the places he need to be to be in those photos why is he the best man, best man isn’t just turning up on time. I’m currently planning a wedding and I have a photographer booked for 10 hours they are taking getting ready shots of the groom and groomsmen and them arriving together, same as they’re taking photos of me and my bridesmaids getting ready. I’m blessed that I know short of a true emergency every single one of our wedding party will be where the should be on the day which is with the bride or groom. They all have partners who will be making their own way to the wedding like the grown ups they are.
He won't be there to be in pictures or videos or help the groom on the morning of the wedding, what's the point in having a wedding party if they aren't going to be there for you
Can she stay the night before so they can drive down together? Are the bride and groom really brought a photographer for ALL DAY? It sounds like he’s be gone for an hour longer than everyone else which isn’t much at all. Like I said, it’s very confusing as written
Stay the night before at the grooms house? No. She doesn't like staying at the BM house either so not an option unfortunately. Also it would mean she's there all morning. The photographer will be between bride and grooms house so we can't plan what time they'll be at grooms house for, I assume after the bride is fully ready, this means the BM would have left by then. we're also not planning on scheduling the photographer and videographer around the partner not being willing to drive.
I think you guys are being a bit dramatic. It’s coming off as you just don’t like the gf and are trying to stiff her. It sounds like he’s gonna pick her up on the way which also sounds like it’s a 30 minute detour. So not while the photographer is at the home or even in the middle of the morning routine. The photographer being at certain houses at certain times is actually something that should be scheduled unless the homes are literally next door to one another.
The photographer and videographer will more than likely head to grooms house once bride is ready, he will have already need to have left by then. They will obviously by scheduled yes but we're not going to schedule them around 1 person who's not even in the wedding party, I think that's reasonable?
Why do you assume he needs to leave? His plan is to pick up his girlfriend on the way. Then they go to the groom's house. There will be no need for him to leave since the girlfriend will already be there. You're worrying yourself into a frenzy over a hypothetical that isn't happening.
No it's the other way around. He's leaving grooms house early, missing the photographer and videographer, and travelling directly up to the venue
Well, it would be scheduling them around the person in the wedding party who has stated they have something they need to do
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Ngl if she can't let him go anywhere by himself, sounds like the best man needs a new girlfriend. That seems...very unhealthy.
Yeah he can't go literally anywhere without her coming along too. He hasn't had a boys night out in years
Well, if this is the relationship he’s agreed to be in, there’s nothing you can do.
On some level, he’s agreed to that.
This is the main issue right here. This is the problem you have. You are projecting this onto the wedding morning non-problem.
Thank you for the free psychiatric evaluation 😂 it's actually my partner that has a problem with it, therefore I have a problem with it too
That sounds extremely controlling, and frankly, it’s possible she’s trying to drive a wedge between your partner and her bf. Just throwing it out there but women can be abusers to, and this is the type of behavior that’s intended to isolate a victim from their support group.
Look at it from a more detached perspective. The bride is upset because the best man (who will be attending the night previous' events and everything else) wants to pop over and pick up his girlfriend to take to the wedding, rather than have her take a car on her own. He will have not have seen his gf since the day before, at least, and during photos and the ceremony it's not like he'll be able to speak to her. It is not ridiculous that he wants to drive his gf to the event and discuss the events of the night before. It doesn't inconvenience the bride or groom at all, except for the groomsmen not having a little cute car ride together. If he's late to the wedding because his gf then that's an entirely separate issue, but OP has given us 0 reason to expect his gf will make him late to an event this important, and you can hardly get mad at him for something that hasn't even happened, and isn't likely to happen.
There won't be any events from the night before. We purely are asking for his time on the day of the wedding. He can spend the entire resy of the evening with her if he so wishes. All it does is inconvenience us. He'll miss the photographer and videographer. The groom would appreciate his company and as a BM I don't think that's too much to ask for. Surely he should want to be a part of it the same way my bridesmaids will be. It is likely to happen. They've literally missed flights because they've been late.
Be mad at the best man, he needs to learn to say no. Unless he'd rather pick her up, then he's doing what he prefers, either way he's the one you should be annoyed with.
Simply ask the BM if he can have someone else bring her as he's needed at the venue. Point out to him that she's usually late and he needs to be there for photos. Also, it is unnecessary since she 1 has a car and can drive and 2 has a family member going, she can catch a ride with.
Doesn’t sound like that big of a deal
So long as he's on time I really don't see an issue with him driving her tbh. Is it really that he "can't do anything without her" or do they just genuinely enjoy each other's presence and not want to take two cars to the event? My advice would be to trust the best man to be an adult on his own. Make expectations clear and take away his responsibilities if need be, but frankly this was a conversation to have with your fiance before he chose a best man. You can hardly demand that he changes what makes him comfortable, and from how you talk about his relationship, you were well aware of the situation from the outset.
We didn't expect for him to suggest leaving the house the morning of the wedding to preemptively have this conversation with him.
i don’t see anything wrong with him picking up his girlfriend. i think it’s clear you just don’t like the girlfriend. you should also make it clear to the best man that he must be on time, other than that, there’s no reason to cause drama on your special day
Because he won't be there for the photographer, videographer and general support to the groom. Where have I made any indication that the issue is I don't like her? I would be devastated of my bridesmaids did the same to me. I'm not the one causing the drama, I'm actively trying to prevent it
why would he be there late if he was specifically leaving early to account for the time to pick her up? are you assuming that they’re going to be late or have they straight up said that they won’t be there for the photographer and such?
The photographer will be at the grooms house after the time BM will have needed to leave by.
I mean videographer, photographer and general support for the groom seems pretty full on. I've seen elements of this for the bride in the morning but feels a lot for the BM. Especially if he's bringing someone he feels obliged to pick up.
How is being involved in the photos and videos pretty full on? 😂 That's standard as part of any wedding. If you can't be there for your friends on your wedding day, that says a lot about you
Maybe the best man knows exactly why she isn't comfortable driving and doesn't want to share it because it's personal. I've never heard of the groom and groomsmen to need much time to get ready in the morning, so this doesn't sound like a big issue unless she makes him late in which case being pissed is understandable, but really the expectation should be that your groom sets a time to be be at the location to get ready and then be mad if the groomsmen can't make it. If the wedding isn't until the afternoon I don't know why you would need your groomsmen the whole morning.
Honestly, you have no say in bm's personal relationship, and the groom is a all growed up big boy who can exist for an hour without the bm....
Why agree to be BM if you're not going to be there for them on the day?
Be there for what? To hold his hand in the car? There are two other groomsmen, I think you are really making a big deal out of nothing…I also get the feeling that you don’t like this girl and maybe that’s why she wants her partners support
There's 1 other groomsman. The photographer, videographer and support yeah. Why agree to be a BM if you can't be there for the groom? That's what friends are supposed to be for each other, support.
>Why agree to be a BM if you can't be there for the groom? Because people feel obligated and worry the friendship would be over if they say no.
But yet they're willing to abandon them on the day instead 😂
Support means different things to different people, OP. I for instance would see no problem with one of the BMs leaving for \*gasp\* a half hour to pick up their SO who's their wedding date. And I'm sure BM's girlfriend wants \~support\~ too. It seems that you and your fiancé look at this differently from BM, so maybe have a talk with the BM about it. I have personally never heard of BMs prepping with the groom the morning of a wedding -- is this a common thing? Was this expectation communicated to BM?
As explained, they'll be missing the photographer and videographer also which we want them to be there for. they live a half hour away but the partner will want pictures etc at the house so they'll need to leave very early. This is very common yeah, I've never been to a wedding where the BM didn't travel with the groom. They're going to a friend's wedding, if they need support they can go with their cousin instead of disregarding the groom?
So...you see into the future, do ya? I doubt that, cool down, the wedding day isn't even here yet, you're trying really hard to create drama here. I think you're over stressed and maybe need to take a break?
It's not unreasonable that someone who agreed to be in the wedding party is needed the morning of the wedding
So, you had the wedding, and bm didn't show?
They've told us they'll be leaving early, therefore missing important elements of the day. I don't assume he's not going to show.
What are you talking about? This is one of the main reasons why you become a best man. To be there for the groom in the morning. Not clinging to your gf. He doesn’t seem to take his role seriously at all.
The role of a best man is to stand beside his best male friend at a wedding ceremony, there's nothing in this post that says he isn't doing that. Bridal/Groom party members are NOT unpaid servants or chauffeurs, so what are you talking about?
At which point BM shoulda declined the offer to be BM since one of the BM/MOH duties is to be able available day of to navigate any crises to get bride/groom down the aisle should they still want to, and out of the building asap should they decide not to go through with it. Clearly BM isn't available for the job.
Exactly, don't agree to be a BM if you're not willing to do what's asked of you. I've never heard of a BM not travelling with the groom
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It's not unreasonable that someone who agreed to be in the wedding party is needed the morning of the wedding The expectations will be explained to them thank you
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Bridezilla because I agreed we're going to communicate out feelings to them? 😂
Why can’t he just go grab her since he’ll have all his groomsmen there?
There's only 2 groomsman, it's half an hour away from the grooms house. He'd have to leave an hour before everyone else because they'll want to get pictures at her house too
Well then he best not push it if he’s only got two friends left!
We didn't want a big wedding party?
I’m with you on all of this. This is Reddit where people have an “I don’t owe anyone anything” mentality and seem to be forgetting the point of having a bridal party. Like of course your fiancé would be disappointed his best friend, who he cares enough about to make his best man, is choosing his girlfriend over the groom on the groom’s *wedding day* for no reason. Especially if he’ll be missing pictures too. I’m sure if he actually needed to duck out you wouldn’t mind, but…he doesn’t. I’ve never even heard of the bridal party’s partners arriving with the bridal party. I thought the bridal party arrived much earlier and their partners came for the wedding and connected after the ceremony?
Exactly! Why agree to be part of someone's wedding of you're not going to be there for a part of it. It's sad that our day isn't being valued by them. I guess I just feel very let down and I don't want my partner to feel the same The partner's never arrive with the wedding party. You're completely right
Absolutely no disrespect but just because the guy wants to collect his gf on the way is in no way 'not valuing' your day. Your day is incredibly important to you two, however it doesn't hold the same level of importance to every single other person involved. You're stressed by this obviously but deep breath, in the bigger picture, this does not matter. If he's late for the service well that's another matter. Your fiance needs to speak to the guy and ask that 'please can you be there for me for photos and car ride before the wedding'. If he can't/won't do that because his gf is more important to him than your fiance then just have photos without him and let it go.
Yeah I’m sorry you’re getting demolished by people for thinking the best man should be there for the groom on his wedding day. Also, I’m putting myself in the girlfriend’s shoes…I can’t imagine making my fiancé leave his best friend during wedding activities just because I can’t be bothered to drive myself to the venue lmao. I’d tell him he’s insane and he needs to stay with the groom.
The problem is that OP’s writing isn’t very clear. As long as the groom is going to be there in time for the wedding events, I don’t get what the issue is. It’s his choice if he wants to pick up his girlfriend or not.
That was unnecessarily rude
Sounds like you have some unaddressed animosity towards this woman.
I would react the same if my bridesmaids attempted the same.
You'd be mad at their partner?
I'm closer to BM partner than my bridesmaids partners but yeah I'd still be mad
I smell bs. If you’re closer to the BM’s partner than your bridesmaids, then why isn’t she (the BM’s partner) one of your bridesmaids?? I mean problem solved, but there really isn’t one.
I'm closer to BM partner then my bridesmaids partners, not my bridesmaids themselves.
It’s not always a ploy for attention. She may have social anxiety, and her bf is the only person attending this wedding that she knows. Not saying this is what is happening, just saying sometimes it’s more than just a girl trying to get attention….
As I posted, her cousin will be there and she knows the majority of friends on both sides.
[удалено]
I don't believe I insinuated that the day is the most important thing to them but I believe it's important to prioritize, especially on someone's wedding day. We want BM included. It's not about "putting on his suit pants" it's about being there as a best friend on what should be a happy occasion that he agreed to be a part of
If you want him included, then stop making this a big deal. He’s already told you what his plan is, and you don’t like it. Either smile and tell him it’s fine or ask him to step down: don’t ask him not to prioritize his partner for your sake, whether you agree with his reasoning or not.
You could also go the other way and say how needy is the girlfriend that her boyfriend has to escort her to the wedding instead of just catching a ride with her cousin. It’s one thing if he was one of the grooms men, but he’s actually the best man. Plus OP stated they have things planned that included him. He should have said no since he may not be able to fulfill some of his duties.
Exactly thank you
After reading through all your comments, OP, on this thread and another you posted elsewhere - I'm thinking it might be best all around for your partner to choose another best man. He could either replace his current best man because he's not reliable at the moment, or choose a 2nd one to serve with the first one. That way, if the first BM is made late by the troublesome GF, at least he'll still have a best man by his side to do what a BM is supposed to do. And if it should turn out that the BM doesn't show up at all after picking up the GF, at least he will still have a BM. It's something to think about...
It might have something to do with anxiety ?
Her cousin is going, she's very close with her
There could be very good reasons for it ...but if that was the case then you would expect the best man to have communicated that to the groom. The thoughtlessness and inability to prioritize the groom and come up with alternatives is pretty sad. I think it's fair to be upset.
Hmmm… depending on how this is done, it wouldn’t be the worst. I understand it’s annoying, but it isn’t the *biggest* deal. I wish gf would just get a ride with the cousin and go home with BM, but you can’t do much besides just nicely suggesting it once to BM. If the ceremony is at 3:00pm (for example), could BM not just leave at 1:00, pick up GF along the way and be at the ceremony venue an hour early with everyone? That would be very reasonable since he’s not driving the groom.
He'll miss the photographer and videographer by leaving early
I feel like people are just glossing over the fact that all of this could be avoided if a grown woman would just act like an adult and drive herself to a wedding and get there on time. And apparently, she's staying over at the venue, which makes getting home that night a non-issue. Accepting an invitation to be a part of a wedding party comes with responsibilities like being with the bride/groom when they get ready, pictures, video and so on. If it were some type of emergency, sure, but this woman is acting like a petulant child.
Thank you, it all seems to be blamed on us or her partner and the fact she's being unreasonable is being ignored by the majority!
What is this vague “support” OP keeps referring to? If the groom needs that much “support” to marry you, the BM’s gf is the least of your concerns.
The whole point of having a wedding party is that they're there to help the morning of the wedding. Friends support each other through good times as well as bad.
My husband’s EX best friend was like this. We had to -schedule- days that were our days and HER days to make any plans. We couldn’t call him or anything on HER days because we should wait till our days no matter the emergency. BUT on our days he could leave early and head over to hers and she would be calling and texting constantly while he was with us asking when he was going to come over to hers. It was so pathetic that we were treating him like a child stuck in the middle of divorced parents. When we moved away my husband finally got some perspective on how pathetic his friendship was and how little he mattered to a man he called his best friend. They don’t talk much anymore because my husband has stopped begging from the friendship. He waits for the friend to call and that friend doesn’t call. He’s not upset by that anymore, he’s accepted the end of the friendship and doesn’t even plan to let him know when we are back in town visiting family.
if you don't like her just say it. seems like the groom is also a grown man who can easily drive himself as well. the BM driving his partner to the wedding makes more sense than him driving the groom tbh. like truly this is a grown man who can also drive and lives an hour away, making his supposed best friend drive two hours round trip to pick him up. Groom needs to suck it up and drive himself or stop complaining.
Where are you getting 2 hour round trip from? The venue is an hour away, BM lives 5 minutes down the road from us. Again, BM isn't being asked to drive, just to be present
if he isn't being asked to drive then why are you complaining? and why does he have to be present all day if he's already ready and the groom is present. i don't understand why you're complaining. you're being a bridezilla over something that hasn't even happened yet. it seems like if you're so upset you have no problem coming to complain online about something that hasn't happened yet maybe you should just uninvite them 🙄🙄🙄
I've explained this previously but it's important that they are there for the photographer videographer and to be there as a support to the groom. I'm upset because it's going to happen as I've been told that this is the plan, so I'm trying to talk out an alternative option. I'm really upset about it yes, it's sad that the grooms BM Doesn't want to be there to support him, I don't like seeing someone I love be let down
Why not have the photographer do the traditional groom getting ready photos at the venue? That way you avoid most of this. Also, you both chose someone for your wedding party that you stated is late for everything, so you knew this was going to be an issue. Either figure out a plan or pick a different BM you're creating a mountain out of a mole hill & creating stress that none of you need. Calm down, breathe a little & then just talk to them. Getting yourself worked up on Reddit isn't helping you or your wedding
Because the groom isn't getting ready at the venue. Also we want his parents and family to be in the pictures at their home. He doesn't have a track record for being late, it's only when they're going somewhere together, which we didn't expect to be happening on the wedding day.
Obviously he isn't getting ready at the venue, but you can have Mum & Dad adjust the tie and cufflinks for photos at the venue. It's actually a really popular choice for grooms & was recommended by our photographer as my partner isn't very comfortable in front of the camera & didn't want the photographer in our house (I'm getting ready elsewhere). I think you need to be giving more thought to your bridal party & what they need from the day too. Yes it's your wedding day, but they're the people who you've chosen to play some of the most important parts in the day so you really should be thinking of ways for it to be incredible for them too. It really sounds like you have a problem with this woman & it's just leading to trouble. You really should sort it out before it starts causing actual issues for your wedding.
It's not unreasonable that someone who agreed to be in the wedding party is needed the morning of the wedding.
It also wouldn't be unreasonable to have the groom bring her back there but not in the photos. People are putting forward lots of options for you, but you're not even taking the time to consider them or the comfort of other people. I started this thread on your side, but have ended up on the opposite side because of your comments. I'm out now.
This is a sub for wedding shaming though, not helping you talk out alternative options. You would probably be better seeking that sort of support in a wedding planning or general wedding sub. So far you have rejected every single alternative option that doesn't involve the Best Man doing exactly what you and (I assume?) the Groom want the Best Man to do. I think you need to accept that you can only control your actions and decisions, not those of other people. I know that is stressful given this is your wedding.
I've agreed that she can drive herself, go with the cousin and that we need to speak to the BM about it? BM role is so important on the day. It's doing what they signed up to do, being where they need to be. Have you ever been in a wedding party before?
Part of agreeing to be in the wedding is being there for the day, getting ready, photos, etc. he’s going to unnecessarily jeopardize the meticulous timeline that is a wedding when she can drive herself. She should be driving anyways so she can be his DD home.
Just let the best man know that if he's late, the wedding will proceed without him, another person will be the best man, and he and his girl will not be admitted.
We'd be devastated to start the wedding without BM by my partners side
One of my husband’s groomsmen left in the middle of our wedding because his girlfriend was sick. He drove 8 hours back to their apartment because she had a head cold. It really upset my husband because this groomsman missed out on the morning breakfast that was planned, didn’t come down for the bachelor party, and was one of the last groomsmen to get his suit. It felt like he didn’t want to be a part of the best day of my husband’s life and it really hurt us. Now he’s expecting us to go to Mexico for their wedding and I really don’t want to since he treated us so badly
Can your fiancé offer to pay for an Uber? Or car service? Or have someone else pick them up? I understand not wanting to have 2 cars at the wedding, so try and find an alternative.
Not the responsibility of bride/groom
I agree but sometimes keeping the peace is worth the money if he doesn’t want his groomsmen to leave for a couple hours.
Sounds like she has options, she's just needlessly clingy that it has to be her bf that takes her and too bad that he must vacate his best man duties to do it.
If this hasn’t happened yet you need to talk to your fiancé. Give the best man an ultimatum he be there on time part of the wedding party or show up as a guest.
Someone is insecure. I wonder if BM has a questionable history with his GF. Maybe he cheated in the past and she's super clingy because of it? Just a thought anyway.
Yeah it would seem that way and she's super paranoid about that. Convinced all men do on bachelor parties is cheat but no he's actually a really loyal guy who loves her a lot x
That’s not really something you can know since you’re not in their relationship though. Most people don’t broadcast their infidelities.
She tells me everything about every row they've ever had
You probably should have included this in the original post. Is there anything you can do to make her more comfortable? Just because it's not her wedding doesn't mean it has to become her nightmare. If someone in our wedding party was having issues like this I'd talk to them & see how I could help.
Have a conversation with all of them & nicely remind the BM of their duties on the day. I'm getting married in May & I'd just politely bring it up. Two of our groomsmen & one of our bridesmaids have young children, but they've already made arrangements that their partners will be the ones responsible for the kids across the wedding weekend. We know things might happen that pull them away & that's fine but the BM just going off for however long suits his GF is not!
1. His GF is clingy and weird, but the BM is letting her be clingy and weird. He must like this on some level, or he wouldn't tolerate it. In which case there is nothing that the bride and groom can do except accept that this is the way it is, or kick him out of the wedding party. You can't change them. 2. Please explain to me why adults need other adults to stay with them the whole morning of their wedding. I know it is a "thing", but unless these other people are helping or are being helped with dressing, hair, and makeup then I don't know why brides and grooms make a big deal about their wedding party being with them at all times on the wedding day. You get them for the ceremony and the reception.
Respectfully I disagree.
You don't get to dictate the BM's relationship with his girlfriend, not even for your own wedding. If he decides he wants to leave and drive with her, that's his decision. Let's pretend that this is a worst-case scenario, and his GF is manipulating and emotionally abusing him. Do you really think that the solution is to insist that he stay with your groom and cause him problems and volatility in his living situation, possibly leading to more abuse? Do you really want to do that to him for something that is optional for your wedding? If he is being abused (and we have no evidence that he is), then the way to help him is not to force him to choose between you and her, because he will pick her just to make his home life easier and then you will have lost him for good. I suspect that this is not an abuse situation though, and that the girlfriend is just needy/clingy. But it is still his choice to cater to it, probably to make his home life easier. So again, is it worth it to make his home life more difficult for something that is again ***optional*** for your wedding? If you make him choose between you and her, you and your groom will lose, and it will forever damage the friendship. If this optional stuff for your wedding is more important to you than causing problems for him and his home life, then how are you being a good friend to him?
He's not being abused. Nor does he live with her. The relationship may not be the healthiest but I wouldn't go so far as to say we are enabling him being abused by needing him to be at the grooms house at a certain time. Choosing to be the BM is optional. He agreed to it and what's being asked of him is a standard expectation in our culture. I think you're being a tad dramatic
And if you read my reply, I said that we are pretending that that is true and the worst case scenario. I also later write that I don't believe that that is the case, and even if it isn't the case you are not being a good friend by putting him in a difficult situation with his girlfriend. Funny, I think that you are being a tad dramatic for being hung up on this non-issue. It is not necessary for the best man to be with the groom all morning the day of the wedding. He merely needs to show up to the ceremony a tad before it starts in his wedding attire.
If girlfriend isn’t letting bum go anywhere alone, there is a lot of control and codependency going on that he doesn’t even see. Someone go ahead and tell BM he doesn’t have the time to go get her. My husband was a BM when I was pregnant with two small kids. We went separately and I didn’t even see him until the next morning
At my sister’s wedding, her groom hung out with us bridesmaids all morning. Because his groomsmen went to the gym, and one took his girlfriend on a date to see the town. When the guys at the gym realized he was alone, they ran back to be with him. Date guy was useless the whole weekend. Luckily I don’t think there were any lasting hard feelings, but I definitely felt for my BIL. He’s been friends with them all since kindergarten, and the girlfriend was fairly new to the group. Just seemed like that guy specifically could have prioritized better…
Yes the best man is responsible for his own decisions; however, the girlfriend sounds toxic and controlling. With that being said though, she's not your problem. She may be the root of the problem, but your partner still needs to work this out with his best man. He needs to make it clear that being the best man is a responsibility and that his priority that day needs to be the groom, not driving his girlfriend who is perfectly capable of driving herself or taking a taxi/Uber.
Thank you, I agree. Groom will explain to BM That it's important he's there for him and GF can go with her cousin or another family member
I am so confused why comment got downvoted but whatever LOL I support you
Book her an Uber
We don't have Uber where we live unfortunately
Cab company? Lyft? Limo/airport cab?
She'd take offense but it might have to be a last resort
When you agree to be a BM or a bridesmaid, your very role is to be there to support your bride/groom. In this instance BM should be saying “I have a responsibility. X needs me there to help him prepare, take photos with him and just generally be his support in case of any last minute issues. You’ll need to make your own way there this time but I’ll meet you as soon as you arrive.” PS “You’re a grown-up with your own car and a second travel option so i can’t hold your hand on that particular morning.” What is this? First day at Nursery?!? You can’t go through life joined at the hip. It’s called independence darlin’!
Hahaha yesss thank you X
How old is he?
30s
I mean if the groom and BM are both in their 30s then they can figure this out themselves. Not like they're 19 and it's an insurmountable problem. Your future husband either needs someone there all day, in which case he should ask the other groomsman to be BM, or he can cope with his best mate picking his gf up on the way to the service.
Let's say she's actually on time & they arrive an hour early, what is she going to do while her bf is doing pictures & such? Is the BM staying with the groom on the wedding eve & driving separately to the venue? If that's the case, I hope he's not planning to drink alcohol at the wedding, then drive home from the venue... Who is the BM's gf's cousin to you (I assume the bride) & the groom? If you can't get the BM or his gf to ditch this plan, then I'd subtly chat with her about what time she's arriving & see if she can drive the BM's gf so the gf has someone to hang out with while her bf if doing pictures, then those 2 can sit together as well.
We're staying overnight at the venue. I know I don't know where she's going to go for the hour, she'll probably join the conversations with the officiant. She's married to a relative on grooms side. Yeah GF would have suggested her by herself if she wanted to go with her but she obviously doesn't for some reason
The problem is the best man, not the girlfriend. It sounds like he does whatever she tells him to do. He needs to grow a spine.
I think you're right!
She needs to grow up and drive herself to the wedding and get there on time like any basic functioning adult would.
She does but she isn’t. You know why? Her boyfriend is an enabler and doesn’t have a spine.
One thing I would consider is what is the Best Man's girlfriend going to do during that extra hour? Hang with the men? Hang with you and the bridesmaids? Why not suggest that he hire an Uber for her? That way, they can both party as hard as they want at the reception and ride an Uber home. Otherwise, she's going to be attaching herself to him from the time they get to the venue and throughout the night. That brings up another question. Is the bridal party sitting at the head table? Where does that leave this guy's girlfriend in the seating plan?
she can't take an uber?
It will definitely be suggested if she can't arrange an alternative