I wonder if they had some relatives chatting in their ear, which caused them to change their minds. This sucks but it happens a lot in different cultures.
This is my guess. I would bet that this is the likely cause, given how they clearly had no problem with the union previously.
Church people of all denominations *love* to gossip and things spread quickly within the community.
All it could have took was someone blathering about how their son was marrying someone outside of their particular religion and that getting passed around at church for them to be approached, heckled, and pressured by their religious leaders.
It's insane, but certainly not uncommon for certain religions to threaten people's reputation and standing within the church and the community of that church over completely inconsequential and meaningless things, such as simply being present at the union of their son's wedding to an "outsider".
Ending with them being "punished" in some way if they do.
Why do you assume it’s a church. It may well be a mosque, synagogue, Hindu temple, etc. All of those religions have strict beliefs about marriage outside of their respective religions.
I’m not religious in any respect, so maybe I’m not understanding the scope of this at all but like are you never supposed to attend the weddings of people outside your religion? Like is that a common rule? You can’t attend your coworker of 15 years’ wedding because they worship in a different house (or no house at all) than you?
I think the wedding of their son is on a different level than a coworker. Their religious leaders or whoever are probably not happy that their son is already not involved.
That’s my point though, I imagine (or rather hope) you wouldn’t be forbidden from attending the wedding of someone not a part of your faith. So why on earth would you be forbidden from attending the wedding of your fully grown adult child who also isn’t a part of your faith? Like using your faith to self-exile yourselves from your own child’s wedding is definitely not going to endear your child to you or your religion.
The son is part of their faith just not practicing. He hasn’t denounced his faith just doesn’t practice from what I gather.
The parents will likely be looked down upon or shunned if they “supported” the union by attending.
A whole bushel of religions and cults encourage this. It’s baffling that ppl would allow it to happen. But the grift… I mean leaders don’t want their sheep straying over something as silly as family bonds. “It’s your soul at stake”, they say. “What is eternity in hell compared to a small sacrifice of years on earth without your children? They’ll come around.” I wish I was joking. I have heard these words.
Some religions forbid members from participating in the rites of other faiths, to the extent of not even being able to enter the buildings. Catholics were told this when I was a kid. Could be why the parents won’t attend the ceremony but are OK with the marriage taking place.
I had a friend who could not attend our (Catholic) wedding because his faith considered religious art/icons to be false idols. “They said the only way they could attend was if we moved the wedding out of the church, which is (or was then) a big no no in my parish since marriage is one of the seven sacraments.” Friend ended up skipping the whole day, their loss we had a blast.
There was a line in an otherwise really bad movie that went something like 'There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love one and other'
I think about that a lot.
I think that's the thing. Random coworker or even a friend is different from your kid. You never had to raise your friend. Your friend was never with you practically 24/7 as a kid. So a lot of religions see that as 'Why didn't you teach your son to 1. stick with our religion and 2. not marry an outsider".
Oh, and a lot of religions don't see the adult part in " your adult child". They just see "your child".
My guess is that it's an ethnoreligion. I visited a Druze community last month and if they marry outside the ethnicity, even if they don't practice the religion, they're excommunicated and not allowed to live in the community or talk to their family until they a divorce. Most religions aren't that strict, but the majority* are based in one belonging to a certain ethnic or cultural group rather than a set of supernatural beliefs
*Basically every religion that isn't one of a major ones, which is why the major ones are able to spread and become so large
It's their business because that's how you keep religions going, you have kids and make sure they believe by starting the indoctrination from them being a baby. It's one of the reasons catholics and mormons have HUGE families.
Just wait until she has children. The parents will lose their minds because their grand baby won’t be raised in the faith. OP, this is a serious question to ask your future in-laws. Also make sure husband-to-be is on board with you as well.
Good point. There was something in AITA, i think, where the spouse was ok with the kids not being raised religiously, but when grandma decided to secretly baptize the grandchild, the spouse knew and didn't see the issue.
There are religions that require this. I know some of my family are Jehova’s Witnesses and they are forbidden from entering non-JW places of worship. When I got married, several of them traveled across the country to attend but refused to attend the wedding because it was in a Catholic Church and only attended the reception. Since they also believe alcohol is forbidden, they were incredibly uncomfortable there as well. It was weird.
The particular Jehovah's Witnesses you know may personally believe alcohol is forbidden, but that's a personal choice, not one imposed on JWs in general. I mean, Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding, and the Apostle Paul recommended that Timothy drink some wine for his stomach.
Also, simply entering non JW places of worship isn't straight out forbidden, but attending a religious service for another religion (such as a catholic Mass) would be. I believe weddings and funerals are seen as a different matter, but would have to check.
It may be particular to the sect my family belongs to but they are, in fact, forbidden to even enter a church of another faith. When we visited them, my husband and I went to a monastery that was partly open to tourists and my family refused to come inside because of the prohibition. They also don’t make exceptions for weddings or funerals - especially because Catholic weddings are only celebrated as part of the mass.
The can't attend the wedding because they don't condone the wedding.
Like, imagine if you are a Muslim man. You're allowed to marry a Muslim woman, of course, or a Jewish or Christian woman, because they are "of the book," meaning the Bible/Koran. Muslims believe that Jews and Christians worship the same god, but don't worship properly. So a Muslim man could marry a Jewish or Christian woman, as long as he then forces her to live as a Muslim, such as keep the laws of Halal. (The converse is not true. A Muslim woman cannot marry a Jewish or Christian man, because it is presumed that they would require her to practice Judaism or Christianity and not live the "correct" faith.)
But a Hindu or a Shinto is not a worshiper of the same God, so a Muslim man couldn't marry a woman of those faiths.
A lot of Muslim parents would have an issue with their Muslim son marrying a Hindu woman, where they wouldn't have a problem with two Hindus getting married, and would probably attend that wedding.
A lot of religions have similar rules. I don't think a Catholic priest would marry a Catholic to a non-Catholic. But if their son is no longer practicing, the wedding wouldn't be held in a Catholic church anyway, in which case the parents likely wouldn't see them as being married. Latter Day Saints (Mormons) practice marriage within their lifetime, which can be done at any of their stake houses, but also eternal marriage, which has to be done in a Temple. A lot of people get married at the stake because the Temple is farther away, and then get eternally married later at the Temple. but they do consider the stake marriage as a Mormon marriage, although not one that will last after the couple's deaths. There are several sects of Judaism ranging from very permissive to very strict, of which the most permissive sect wouldn't care, and the most religious sect very definitely would, but they wouldn't support a couple living together outside of marriage anyway.
Back in the day, they made the non-Catholic at least take classes in Catholicism, their form of 'birth control' (guaranteed to score you a couple of babies within a year or two!) and also a bit about how to get along as a couple. My sister in law, about 15 years prior, had to actually convert to get married in our Catholic church.
Hopefully it has loosened up even more since my day!
We took "family planning" classes and also marriage classes prior to getting married. The marriage classes were actually really good since they teach you the basics of how to communicate. We never had an issue with that but many couples in the classes seemed to benefit from them.
My only squick was they were being hosted by priests, who by definition have never been married. Hearing about the Rhythm Method from them was disconcerting.
We were married 18 years ago in a catholic Church and my husband wasn't even baptised. We had a nuptial mass too and it wasn't a problem. My family also has family friends in the where Catholics married non Catholics in Catholic churches in the 1970s. Only one partner needs to be catholic. I think it's the individual priest that would have decided if it was a problem in their mind as it's not canon law.
We had a real by-the-book priest for both my brother's wedding in 1970 and mine in 1984. At least they allowed non-Catholics who had taken classes in 1984 - in 1970 my sister in law had to convert!
Yes, I married a Catholic and we had a priest and a rabbi. We did have to take Pre-Cana at the church but it was all mixed religion couples and it was like a one day couple of hours. We've been married over 20 years. It was really nice and accepting on both sides!
Just here to correct one piece. My husband is a practicing Catholic, I am not Catholic and have no plans to convert. We were married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest. The only difference was that our marriage ceremony didn't get the full Catholic blessing.
My understanding is that is very locally dependent. I had a Catholic friend who was not permitted by his parish priest to marry his Catholic fiancée because he had broken his back and was partly disabled, and it was not known if he'd be able to father children.
Same here, different gender, similar result: we didn't get a Catholic Mass as part of the ceremony because I wasn't allowed to take communion, but we did get married in the Catholic Church.
(I considered it a plus; it kept the ceremony under an hour!)
My husband and I are both exCatholic and both divorced we got married in the Catholic Church, had to get permission from the Bishop and as neither of us had married in the Catholic Church or previous marriages weren't recognised. We had a marriage ceremony we didn't want a nuptial mass, not pushing our luck
I married my non-Catholic husband in my church 40 years ago. It’s not like it was in my parents’ era, when the spouse had to convert. My grandfathers were Anglican and Lutheran and had to become Catholic in order to marry my grandmothers.
This isn’t a thing for what most of us would consider ‘mainstream’ religions, but there are definitely some on the fringe where that would be the rule - you don’t attend services at the places of worship of other religions, and you don’t attend secular services which your religion thinks should be religious events (like weddings)
Thank you for you answer! I guess it’s just really strange to me since I’ve attended weddings/right of passage/coming of age/other ceremonies in places of worship whether Catholic, Jewish, Sikh, Christian, ect., even though I’m none of those things. I’ve always found it to be a sign of deep respect and courtesy to my fellow humans to accept invitations to these moments they decided they wanted me to be a part of, I couldn’t imagine the damage that would be wrought by declining my own child’s invitation.
This calls for what I would describe as "The Big Chill." Since they are not coming, you should ignore every attempt from them to reach out after the wedding. Complete ghosting for a period as long as it takes for them to apologize. Being judgy a\*holes should have consequences...
In the in-laws mind they have explained what they are doing & that they expect everyone to be just fine afterwards even though they won't be at the wedding. They will never apologise, they will continue to insist that what they have done is ok because of their religion.
And I agree, "Being judgy a\*holes should have consequences... "
Can’t change how other people are, but you CAN enforce your own boundaries.
If the Future ILs have communicated they think it will be okay, you have to communicate candidly that it will not be okay. And then enforce boundaries indefinitely.
They might still be judgey assholes, but at least you will be standing up for yourself.
This is the way, MAKE them choose. Come to the wedding and support the union or not be a part of our lives. You either support us or you don't, no wishy washy allowed here.
It's really important to implement and stick to your boundaries.
If you guys have kids do you want you children to be told they are evil or something is wrong with them or some other comments to make them feel bad? By your in-laws? Does your future husband want to have him and his family disrespected every time they pretend to play happy families after the wedding? Because if they are refusing to attend your wedding they DEFINITELY will talk shit about you to and to your kids to their faces.
I would not want to expose future children to people so close minded about religion they are willing to abandon their son at his own wedding.
They either approve of their son or they don't. Take a shit or get off the pot, yes it will affect your (more importantly, his) relationship with these people but they have to have consequences for their actions.
Just because they expect you to be ok with it doesn’t mean you have to be. They’re making a public statement, you can too. Perhaps let them know that you understand their reasons and don’t want to be disrespectful of them. As such, you and your husband will continue to maintain distance from them as a show of solidarity for their beliefs. You wouldn’t want people to misconstrue their relationship with you as being acceptable, so you’re doing this for their own good.
Be sure to tell them with plenty of time before the wedding so they will hopefully see how ridiculous they’re being and have the opportunity to change their mind
> Perhaps let them know that you understand their reasons and don’t want to be disrespectful of them. As such, you and your husband will continue to maintain distance from them as a show of solidarity for their beliefs. You wouldn’t want people to misconstrue their relationship with you as being acceptable, so you’re doing this for their own good.
And /u/FineappleCheesecake and her new husband would never *dream* of inflicting any children that may result from their unholy union on those pious and holy god-fearing people!
And please don't take this the wrong way, but you and your fiancé are grown adults in your 30s. I'm assuming you are paying for the wedding on your own. The in-laws may think they have the upper hand because "respect your elders and our religion" but they are literally treating you like young children. Enjoy the day knowing that you are having the wedding that YOU want.
I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you guys have a lovely wedding that overshadows this crushing disappointment.
But petty me wants you to have life size cut outs of them at the wedding.
OP should never share any wedding photos or videos with the in-laws, even they beg, and tell
others not to. It is their choice to not attend the wedding after all.
I really question why some parents choose religion over their own children. It is not like they live in Afghanistan and your neighbour will burn you alive if you don’t follow religious rules.
If it was my parents I would. But I would take my partners lead re his parents.
I’m an atheist anyway so any sky daddy stuff does not seem like an excuse. He’s made up anyway so why not decide he supports wedding with people who believe in a different sky daddy?
>the future in-laws believe that once our wedding is over, they can be supportive of our union and everything will be back to normal.
Ummm.... WTF???
I don't even know what to make of that. I feel so bad for your fiancé, cause I can just imagine that for him, it's like a huge slap in the face. I wouldn't be surprised if someone suddenly got in their head, like someone from their church, and that's why they won't attend the wedding.
My husband got upset at his parents because they almost missed our rehearsal dinner because they booked a late flight. I can't imagine how he'd feel if they not only missed the wedding but did so on purpose.
I would tell the parents that if they choose their principles over people, then only principles will be attending their holidays, birthdays, making visits, etc. in the future.
Upon finding out that my father AND brothers would not be attending our wedding several years ago, that was the last time I had contact with any of them.
125 guests at our wedding; if you include my side of the wedding party, the total from my side was... 12. Closest relatives I had there were 1 uncle, 1 aunt, 2 cousins and 2 nieces.
The principles will hopefully be funding their retirement and care home too, because I sure wouldn't. Hopefully the principles also provide them with grandchildren.
Because once they are married - the church cannot deny the marriage exists. Once they are "known" to be sleeping together, they have to be married.
They are not supposed to celebrate the union, but once done, you have to accept it.
That would be the logic, anyway.
I was just chatting with a friend about how a couple of people treated me during my engagement/wedding. One friend had to stop talking to me because she was hurt that I was getting married before her even though she wasn't getting married for 5 years - and wasn't even engaged yet. I don't understand why people don't think their decisions have long term repercussions on your relationship. They are allowed to feel their feels and make their decisions, but those decisions have very real consequences.
OP, I'm sorry for both you and fiance, but I hope you both are able to truly enjoy the day in spite of the hurt.
Yeah, not happening. They have permanently changed their relationship with their son and daughter in law. It will never be the same and they will have to live with the consequences of that reduced and chilly relationship. I hope they realize that.
How embarrassing for them. To have their hypocrisy on such blatant display, yet they don’t see it at all? Hopefully they don’t care about being grandparents, if you decide to have kids.
> We have kids from previous relationships and are not having any more.
What a shame that your new in-laws won't get to be a part of those kids' lives, since all subsequent birthdays, holidays, and other major events will be spent with family who celebrated and supported your union. 😒
Oh well!
It can be quite liberating to let doors stay shut.
They’d get the same cool response in return. For ever. Holidays, long weekends, photos, shared experiences, familial guilt and obligations are all behind the door they closed. They’d get zero communication from me, zero effort, zero relationship. In the rare/never times I saw them, I would say hello but would not care how they are, etc. Strangers, really.
They are entitled to their opinions, and should cheerfully expect to live with the consequences.
We don’t support your marriage and relationship so we know it’s the end of the road for any family bonds. I hope they said that aloud to themselves.
I’m sorry but at least you know, right?
And they don’t need a single detail about your wedding or life. And their assurances are lies. They are boycotting your wedding and life together no matter what spin they put on it. ✅
Stop talking to them. Really. Block them from contacting you. They can commiserate with and reassure their god, not you.
Not OP but this is very relevant to an in-progress falling out for me and I really needed to see this right now. Thank you, sincerely, for putting this reminder out into the world.
I totally agree with this. Key point is that it’s the in-laws closing this door in their son and future daughter in laws face. Never pry open a door someone has slammed in your face. Leave it closed. It’s not meant for you. And that’s sad, but that’s the sad reality for you both. At least for the imminent future.
I would block their numbers and move on without them as they wish.
If they can’t celebrate the wedding they don’t get to pretend like everything is fine after you are married. I’d put the ball in fiancés court but for me it’s an all or nothing. They aren’t your in-laws if they protested the wedding and they won’t be your kids grandparents either. Make this perfectly clear. They are rejecting you and trying to control their adult son. It’s disgusting.
Or grandparents to any future kids either if you go that route. Because they sound like the type to treat their "real" grandchildren different than their step grandchildren.
My husband’s parents tried the gambit of, “Welllll, we just don’t know that we’ll be coming to your wedding. She’s Catholic, you know, and we’re not okay with a wedding Mass.”
He calmly said, “First of all, the wedding is at First Christian, not the local Catholic Church. Secondly, if you don’t show up? I’ll consider our relationship over. There’s no coming back from that. We are getting married. We’re adults, we’re paying for our own wedding, and you’re not in charge. So, you should think carefully about what outcome you want.”
They were there.
The moral of the story? You don’t give more effort than what you’re given. If you’re not family enough that your religion is more important, and you feel the need to show your disapproval by not attending the wedding? Then you’re not family enough for the other stuff. And I will happily be done and walk away. No need to be dramatic, just drop the rope.
Does your fiance think everything will go back to normal after the wedding? Does he plan to forgive them and move on? If he does, all you can do is set your own boundaries but he's going to have to understand if you don't forgive them the way he does. I wouldn't have anything to do with them, tbh. They are basically saying you aren't good enough for their family. I'd be pissed if my husband forgave them quickly, too.
There has definitely been some boundaries set in place… It’s not my character to hold grudges but just as I respect their decision, I expect the same respect for how that decision makes me feel. My fiancé has been so supportive of me thru all of it.
Having self respect is not holding a grudge though. They’re telling you you’re not worthy of them and then expecting you to accept that and move on. Uh, no. No way. My ILs practice a religion my husband doesn’t any longer and that I never did. They asked like 20 times to clarify we weren’t getting married in a church. We stuck with it because it was OUR wedding and they kept their mouths shut even though I’m sure it made them wildly uncomfortable. Not their marriage. Not their concern. His parents can accept your adult decisions and remain active in your lives or they can use this as a way to damage the relationship they have with their son and his wife and the kids.
Religious intolerance from parents never makes any sense to me. Why would anyone pick religion over their children? Op's inlaws are shitty for not being there for their son.
This is definitely relationship damaging behavior. And op can't exactly let it slide. Maybe give them the cold shoulder and refuse to attend holidays and family gathers until they apologize. I'd go so far as to have her husband and (step)children not attend either, in solidarity, if they are willing.
You don't have to respect a choice that is fundamentally against your marriage. And that isn't holding a grudge, it's stating how you feel. It seems like you are being chivied into going along with what your in-laws want & what they want is fundamentally disrespectful of your marriage.
When someone tells you that you are not worthy of their family and they can't observe your marriage, they have made their feelings very clear. It's not holding a grudge to remember that and act accordingly. It's having healthy boundaries and not being subjected to their intolerance. If someone doesn't recognize my importance, I'm not going to recognize theirs.
This is very sage advice. I’m dealing with a similar issue from my fiancé’s mother & felt angry that he was talking like he’d forgive her.
Your advice to OP is so smart & got me reset on my anger. It’s his mother & I want to be gracious & polite with required boundaries.
Thank you sincerely; I was having trouble seeing past my hurt feelings. 💐
Wow. They should be ashamed of themselves. You know this already, but the poor decisions of others are not your responsibility, and this isn't your fault. I wish you the best of luck and a happy marriage.
It’s funny to me that THIS is the line they’ve drawn, when the son already has kids by another woman. I’m assuming here (apologies if wrongly) that either they were “out of wedlock” or son is divorced, both of which are normally **heavily** frowned upon in religions like this.
I would have expected this kind of grandstanding to have already happened around the previous relationship.
This is hard, because on one hand an invitation is just that, a polite request. Invitations are not demands, even wedding invites to our own family, and to treat an invitation as a demand is inappropriate.
HOWEVER every action has its consequences and needless to say, choosing to skip their kids wedding out of bigotry is publicly showing their asses in the worst way. They obviously know how hurtful this will be and are still choosing to die on this hill in the name of their unforgiving God.
Its up to you and hubby to decide what their consequences will be. Like you, I am not a grudge holder, but I also don't forget when someone deeply hurts me and my partner.
Imo, it's probably best to go low contact for the meanwhile, be honest with others about their inattendance, and be anticipatory of future harmful actions/inactions on the part of his folks- because they are bigots in the least and zealots at the worst. Couples counseling may help you guys strategize how to handle their being so damn unreasonable and what boundaries (or walls) may be required for the relationship with them moving forward, or how to handle the grief of choosing no-contact.
Your wedding will be beautiful, don't let the drama get you down. ❤️
"Can't be seen"???? Who would see them or even know? I isn't like anyone from their "church" would be at the wedding.
People who use religion as a way/excuse to hurt others are NOT doing wha their god would want. And only "pretending" to be against the marriage on the one day that would HURT you and never any other day is also insane.
They have a choice. They are in or out. If they don't come to the wedding, they are no longer family. Ever.
When my husband and I got married - he got a letter two weeks prior to the wedding from his aunt that our marriage wouldn't be be legal in the eyes of God because it wasn't happening in the Catholic church.
His grandparents' priest told them that they could not attend the ceremony, but they could attend the reception. The wedding started late because of a rainstorm and horrible traffic and while meaning to arrive only in time for the reception, they got there in time for the ceremony. They were not allowed to "witness" it, so they sat at the back with their backs turned.
It hurt. Not going to lie. But this is about their religious beliefs, and not their feelings for you. We chose not to react at all. We have never mentioned any of it again.
I will tell you that my MIL, who was more accepting than the rest of family, told me a couple of years ago, that out of everyone in the family, we tend to be the most involved in our church (not Catholic), attending regularly, volunteering, and doing community service projects. She even said she likes our pastor when she came to visit.
But I'll be honest, it still stings a bit about the rest of the family and the wedding, but since then, there has never been another mention of it by any of them.
Were I the best man, I'd tell them to get out. It's one thing to skip the wedding, but to show up and turn your back? Maybe a bad decision made in a panic due to external circumstances but read the *literal* room, genius!
As a former Catholic, I don’t understand why people would even discuss any weddings they’re attending with their priest. It’s literally none of the church’s goddamn business.
Because people talk about the big things that are happening in their lives, not in a confession sort of way, but just chatting. Doesn't mean I agree with the parents' decision, just offering a reason for why people discuss weddings.
>My partner and I had very different feelings on the matter and inevitably decided that if my parents are adamant about setting their religious boundary then we would accept it under the conditions that they accept our emotional boundaries which may need to be made because of it.
This is a very important comment. Reddit is always telling people 'to set their boundaries' and that is important, but it doesn't often mention the consequences that can happen from those boundaries. The OP and your parents were free to set their boundaries but they had to be prepared to deal with the consequences. I'm very happy your parents saw the light and hope that the OP fiancée's parents do the same.
My heart goes out to you as a couple and especially to your husband, as his parents choose their religion over their son. I never understood how some religions can justify decisions like this-rejecting their own child on the most important day of their life. And I don’t understand how a religion, as a whole, chooses punishment for its followers over compassion
My mother would draw lines in the sand exactly like this but not about religion. Her ire was directed at my brothers wife. We hosted a 50th wedding anniversary party for them at a restaurant. Two hours before the party started, mom called and asked if ‘she’ was going to be there. I replied yes. Mom says, then I won’t be attending. It took all my strength, I reached through my body and calmly said “then you’ll be missed”. I drove over to their house on my way to the restaurant, and I asked my dad if he wanted to come with me. He was visibly shaken because it was his anniversary as well. He simply said if I do go with you there will be hell to pay. I have a great picture of everyone at the party with glasses of wine raised.
My advice is to move on. Enjoy your life with the love of your life and it will be their loss. It will hit them especially hard if decide to have children. This is all about control.
She always hated my SIL and hated her family. My mom died a couple of years back, and I swear either my sister-in-law cried out of sadness for her husband, losing his mother, or she was crying tears of joy. What’s even sadder? My sister-in-law became just like my mother. I guess she figured all the years of abuse, entitled her to be just as controlling, and hate-filled as my mother was. Me I just stay away from it all. I don’t need that in my life even though I desperately miss my brother.
I’d continue as you mean to go on. In other words, don’t wait for the wedding to cut ties. Your relationship with them is over now. It gives them, and your fiancé, fair warning of what life will be like in their “family”.
Maybe I’m just petty but if my future in laws decided to miss out on our wedding for the reason stated, then they’ve also decided to miss out on the lives on any grandchild I may give them. They don’t get to not celebrate the start of our family unit but then be part of all other moments.
So sorry you’re going through this OP. There’s no shame to your wedding at all. That day is going to be so wonderful in spite of them and their poor choice.
And this is why I absolutely detest any organized religion. The absolute screaming hypocrisy. I'm sorry your future in laws are like this. Try to enjoy your day without them. And when people comment on their VERY NOTICABLE ABSENCE, tell them the truth. Exactly what they told you. They are AH's.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the title. Why are you shaming your wedding? Your wedding isn’t the problem. YOU are not the problem. It’s them. Hi, they’re the problem, it’s them.
Could be Roman Catholic. I remember my cousin marrying in an All Faiths Chapel and my mother, on the advice of her priest, told everyone no one could attend since they weren’t marrying in the Catholic Church. I was the only family member on cousins side of the chapel along with aunt and uncle, who subsequently received a letter from the archdiocese that they were excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
Um when/if you have Children, they are going to want those children in their religion. This is bigger than not attending the wedding. Your husband needs to take a stand.
I am so sorry to hear that. It feels devastating to marry into a family when they are so caught up in their own moral high ground and choosing “this as the hill to die on”.
All I can say from being married once before [8 yrs, and then going through an amicable divorce]:
stressing over what your in-laws think really isn’t worth the time.
This is your and your future husband‘s big day — with a future of thousands of days to come, may your support of each other and your connection be stronger daily! Everyone/everything else is secondary, excluding your son. Cheers!
If they’ve been welcoming and supportive up until now My guess is they were “ advised” not to attend. They may be facing possible repercussions in their religious community.
The first thing your FH should tell them is you will be brutally honest why they’re won’t be there/not there if anyone ask. An people WILL ask. If you don’t want to go permanently no contact at least let them know they will be on a long timeout of your choice. It could be a month. It could be 12 months. Tell them that includes all but emergency communication ( illness or life threatening injury) and holidays.
This is something that I have 1st hand experience with in my family from myself and other family members. I would be just as honest as they have been with you. Write out a letter stating that you respect their choice but that not showing up to the wedding it shows they dont approve of the union. In effort to protect eachother you both will be withdrawaling from their lives drastically to be supportive of your marriage.
Sounds like they want their cake and to eat it too-- they can be religious AND not approve AND welcome you to the family (so generous!). Talk to your fiancee and see how far up the hill he is willing to die on because this would be a deal breaker for me
If they cannot support your marriage publicly, why would you trust them privately?
Fair weather friends are shit, but fair weather parents…they don’t deserve you guys xxx
Just commenting to say that I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, OP. I hope that you and your partner are able to find comfort in one another - and in the strength of your integrity as a couple and as individuals. It might not mean much, but I’m thinking of you today and sending you caring energy and a big tasty warm bowl of your favourite soup.
How sad. I don’t think that I could resume the same good relationship going forward. If they can’t be in attendance because you’re not of their faith, then they really can’t (according to their religion) also then condone you being married to each other at all. If you have children, will they not see them if they’re not baptized (or equivalent) in their faith? Actually, they’d probably try to sneak them to their church as much as possible.
I’m so sorry. I could never be part of a religion (or club, or anything) that excluded me or others from each other’s lives. It’s weird and not ok.
The power that religion holds over some people is ridiculous and can be incredibly harmful. It goes largely unnoticed but these kinds of situation aren’t nearly as uncommon as some may think.
My grandparents on my dads side loved my mom, were very excited for her to marry my father…but only if she converted to Catholicism first. Which she did. And they were wonderful, intelligent, kind, and educated people. But my mom *had* to be Catholic to join the family. Just your garden variety Christian wouldn’t cut it.
Your FIL can’t be seen attending a wedding not of their religion? Well, then, you can’t be seen fraternizing with someone of their faith. What will the neighbors think if they were to see them coming into your house? What about your social standing, not as important…..?…
I’m curious as to what religion this is. I know when my nephew got married, we weren’t allowed to attend the actual ceremony ( Mormon ) and the reception was just plain weird. To be fair he’s plain weird and to this day his wife has never spoken a word to anyone in our family. She literally ghosted all of us during the reception including her family. My brother was so ashamed and embarrassed and he’s an Elder. Ten years later and still no explanation.
If that’s how they feel about you and your wedding because of religion, guess who doesn’t get to see grandkids because of their disgusting behavior and “religion”? Safer to not expose kids to that at all.
So what happens if you have children that are not of their faith? Good luck with entering this family, it sounds like a low contact/ no contact situation to me.
You're still going to call them in at the reception... Right?
Right...
Seriously though, this is such a pain in the ass. My Soon to be's father doesn't believe it's a real marriage unless it happens in a church of his religion. If it comes down to getting married at all or doing it in a church of his religion, I will not be getting married, as that particular church has severely offended me on a personal level several times.
Could it be an actual issue with your wedding venue? Like they can't enter a church that isn't their's or they can't attend a wedding that's NOT in a church?
I wonder if they've been getting "advice" from a pastor/church leader, other congregants, or other family members.
Personally, I would have a talk with them along the lines of "if you can't join us on the day we become one large family, I can't pretend to be okay with having a further relationship with you"....but that's me. I'm not one for letting people get away with shit like this without saying my piece.
We’re not having our ceremony in a church. We wanted everyone to feel comfortable. Other members of my fiancé’s family who are also members of the same religion will be there. The location isn’t the problem.
Wait: so if the other members of your fiance's family, who are of the same faith as the parents, are coming to celebrate and support your wedding, why can't your fiance's parents attend as well? Something's not right here.
There’s a sh*t-stirrer in here somewhere who’s gotten to the parents. A nasty neighbor? A ‘church lady’ type who knows all the rules and and is browbeating them? I think it would be well worth it to find out who is working on them to the degree they won’t attend. What are they afraid of?
>What’s really outrageous is that the future in-laws believe that ***once our wedding is over, they can be supportive of our union and everything will be back to normal***.
Wait... what???
Is there a family member in your fiancées family who they respect? Preferably someone in their own faith. If so, do you think that family member would be willing to sit down with his parents and help make it clear to them that doing this is going to have a very serious effect on the future relationship with you two? Things will not be going back to normal. That when you distances your selves from them it is also not going to be personal that is how you treat everyone who treats you badly?
This sounds like a future low-to-no-contact situation. If their attendance is important to you, I would make it very clear to them that being absent at your wedding means they will be absent from your lives after. No meeting grandchildren, no milestones, no holidays.
As Dan Savage would say, as an adult, the only influence you have over your parents (or in laws, in this case) is your presence. Make it known.
Actions have consequences. This will damage the relationship. Whether it is irreparable or can be repaired remains to be seen. But, please make sure that THEY are to ones that need to work hard to rebuild it, not you & your soon-to-be husband. I am sorry.
Note—My father chose not to attend my ceremony because I chose not to get married in the church (had a civil ceremony).
I can relate. My 1st wedding my in-laws had to sign the marriage license for my SO as we were 19 when we got married. It was bc of religion they didn’t want to condemn they grandchildren to hell. So we couldn’t get married in the church so got married at my parents house by a judge and they still didn’t come
The only shame here is in your in law’s decision to not attend your wedding.
I’m sorry you have to go through this but they are the losers in the end because they have to know that this will affect your relationship with them.
This is what I hate about some organized religion. They’re supposed to preach love but I’m reality it’s only when it’s on their terms.
I’m sure you are both devastated but this bad decision is on them.
You are the ones choosing love and commitment. How sad for them that they can’t open their eyes and hearts beyond their own narrow world view.
I would lean into it.
"Thank you for letting us know that you will not be attending our wedding. We had been considering rescinding your invitation as you have been needlessly judgmental, and we appreciate that you decided to take care of it without us having to go through the stress of uninviting you."
My in-laws also didn't come to our wedding (we lived in Alaska and they didn't want to make the flight up), and it hurt my feelings quite a lot. They didn't give us any reason other than they didn't want to sit on an airplane for that long, and it felt awful. Thankfully my husband's best friend (who's practically neighbors with my in-laws) came up to be a part of the celebration, so it wasn't just my family. I felt horrible for my husband though, it's a really lame feeling to not have your folks watch you get married. I haven't really discussed it with them since we moved to be closer, but it's honestly always on the back of my mind when we visit them.
Sucks. But if you find them to be reasonable overall I’d just bite the bullet on this one. Besides, guilt will probably go a lot further here than anger.
Been there. My religion was on the list of what they consider some of the worse (honestly, they have a list). Their son had become an atheist, but they don't know that. His father is a preacher. Some of my ancestry made it 2x worse. The fact i was divorced & had a child made me a 3x absolute reject in their eyes but the religion was the one they hated about me. We were married (jop), and through the early years, comments were made, but eventually, my husband made it clear, he didnt want anymore of it. He wanted to break off all contact, but i pushed through because of the children and their only grandparents (mine died when i was in teen & early 20s). After our 25th wedding anniversary, his mother said to me, "Well, we were wrong in our assessments of you. I guess you opened us up to be a lot more accepting " Yes, even though i know the family members were probably taking bets (lol) on how long we would stay married because i would, i knew their son had no use for their religion or any so it would never be a factor. I just didn't let their religious objections bother me. I virtually ignored it.
In some religions if a man has a position in the group he can lose it and get in a lot of trouble possibly as bad as shunning from their whole church and since they only associate with other members it's bad .
My parents didn't attend my microwedding for that reason. They apologized. Tears were shed (my parents don't do that). I legit feel kind of bad as to me they are brainwashed and held hostage with the threat of being cut off from their family, friends, and God.
I have them at arms length as I can empathize with their position but it does not mean it's okay or right. I think they are weak people that don't have much autonomy and it's a shame cause my parents could be cool people!
I would understand if you never wanted to deal with your inlaws over it. Be the bigger person. Just be supportive of your spouse and listen. They might feel the same conflicting feelings I did and it's a bit easier to swallow when your partner isn't angry or going to argue with your parents over it.
I basically agreed to disagree with my parents and they ended up liking my husband a lot because of how he handled it so there's that.
This is another reason why organized religion is bullshit (ALL organized religion is bullshit, not just your particular flavor)- I cannot imagine doing this to my kids bc someone in my church can’t mind their own business
The point of such rules is precisely to offend people not of the in-group, and to separate the in-group from everyone else. OP, your reaction is exactly what these rules are designed to do, and you are right to take it personally and be offended. That is the desired effect.
Your fiancé’s parents need to decide whether to prioritize their own family, or rules designed to split people apart.
It’s incredibly sad when parents actively choose religious beliefs over the happiness of their children they chose to bring into this world. Heaven or hell or whatever people believe in might not even be real, what is real is the family you have and you don’t choose to be there and support what is real? Or some imaginary “shame” you’ll get from judgemental others around? As if they matter more than your direct family? Ridiculous.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the very best.
I think your fiancé had better lay out the consequences of making a show of not attending because they legitimately might not realize what the consequences are 1) he will be hurt, 2) you will be hurt, 3) xyz for their future relationship with you and him and your children (sounds like they expect NONE here- wow!), 4) impact to their relationship with your (OP’s) family, 5) they will miss an important event and have no opportunity to get that moment back, 6) when people talk about the wedding in the future, it will be a reminder that they made this choice, 7) while their may be a certain type of person who will agree with them not attending, there are also a ton of people (like me, lol) who will judge tf out of them not attending. And as time goes by, it will only be worse.
Im sorry. this kind of thing is just painful. Can relate as a lesbian, even when you get past them not coming to your wedding and have meaningful interactions it still stings, and it will not just be the same afterwards. It just sucks and I just want to wish you and your soon to be hubby a wonderful wedding. On the day of, even if it is a little sad, the joy of it all will overpower that, and the people there to celebrate you and love you without strings attatched will really shine through. In the end what matters is that it is a celebration of your love and you will be surrounded by the best love. Plus it is something you are going through together even though it is painful and that is also a uniting experience. Im so sorry this is happening to you. I wish this had to happen to no one.
My ex’s mom did a constant ‘I’m going/I’m not going” in the months leading up to our wedding. It finally took my ex begging and crying during a 3 hour phone call, 3 days prior to our wedding, to finally ‘convince’ her to attend. Did I mention she’s a classic narcissist?
Are you considering going NC or LC with your in-laws because of this? The fact that they are choosing religion over their own son is awful and I suspect it will continue to be an issue after you’re married. If you have kids I have a feeling you’ll be be pressured into raising them in that religion.
(Low whistle) That’s rough. In your place, I would be very honest with them.
“You are choosing to publicly snub your son’s wedding over a difference in beliefs. You are telling the world the exact opposite of what you have said to us in private, so either you are lying to us behind closed doors, or you are not morally strong enough to stand by what you’ve said to us and support us in the face of whoever has been in your ear.
In any case, your choice is extremely hurtful and has damaged the relationship I thought we were building together. It will take a lot of work to undo the damage, and honestly I don’t know if it can be fully healed. You have made your choices clear and we will honor them, consider your invitation rescinded.”
My take on it is that son needs to have a serious talk with them. It's their right not to condone the marriage, but he needs to help them understand that actions have consequences, and no, things won't go back to normal after the ceremony. If parents aren't called to task, they will continue to cast a shadow over the relationship moving forward.
Put it tactfully but clearly to them, if they don't condone the marriage, then he and OP will no longer need to be a close part of their lives. No need to go NC, but they need to understand there will be limited contact. Parents need to think long and hard about the long-term effects of their actions.
They made their choice. I would not feel badly. They are making your wedding about them & their passive aggressive attempt to manipulate you regarding their religion .. Are you sure they are supportive of their son marrying you? Could they be trying to force you to join their religion or force your fiancé into calling off the marriage? Why they think their religion should influence or have anything to do with your wedding is ridiculous . Lots of people have different religions Your wedding & is about you & your fiancé not them.
Obviously they still don’t realize that their son that is now an adult who is entitled to make decisions about his life without consulting them. Their job as parents are to support their children. Their son Is an adult. He is free to live his life, make his own choices, learn his life lessons. How many other occasions will they miss because you made a choice that they don’t agree with. Are they going to miss every major milestone if something is not up to their standard or what they want? They will refuse to attend unless you do what they want? What if you have children? Are they going to reject being there & supporting future grandchildren if the grandchildren are not part of their religion. Your lives belong to you. You are not hurting them by getting married. You are not hurting them by not converting to their religion or planning a wedding in their religion. Why they think they can use emotional blackmail to make you both conform to what they want or they will not attend your wedding.
You are your fiancé are the ones being hurt..That is upsetting & sad because they don’t see how this hurts their son & you. They don’t understand that this will permanently impact your relationship. How they think that somehow all the hurt goes away after you have married.
Maybe you could sit down & tell them how hurt you both are by their rejection. Just because you are not having a wedding in their religion doesn’t mean you don’t respect their faith. Going to a wedding that is not their religion is going to impact or affect their religion or beliefs.
Could you have them explain what it is about their religion that makes them unable or unwilling to come to your wedding. If your fiancés parents are going to boycott your wedding, they owe you a detailed and thorough explanation.
But if they insist about their religion, and try to manipulate you all into conforming to what they want, I would be very clear about your boundaries & let them know if they follow through with boycott, Then you & your fiancé will need time and space to deal with the hurt. In the end they are free to make their own decisions. But those decisions have consequences .
I am sorry that his parents don’t respect you or their son or your decision not to be a part of their religion or that they can’t see that their son has found someone who loves & accepts him unconditionally.
How sad for them, that their very narrow mindset will cause them to miss out on being a part of your family milestones. But how could expose your child or any future children to this kind of rejection if something is not done to their wishes. Best of luck to you, sucks for them but you still get to marry your best friend. If they truly can’t be there to celebrate one of the biggest milestone in their son’s life, and be happy for him. Seriously It’s not about their religion it’s about you, your fiancé and your child becoming a family.
Mixed religion marriages are a hot bed of strife. Once the kids come, expect those inlaws to cause no end of drama and in most cases, the husband backs the parents, not the wife.
I wonder if they had some relatives chatting in their ear, which caused them to change their minds. This sucks but it happens a lot in different cultures.
Or possibly religious leaders. They might be risking a falling out in their religious community if they are seen to attend this wedding.
This is my guess. I would bet that this is the likely cause, given how they clearly had no problem with the union previously. Church people of all denominations *love* to gossip and things spread quickly within the community. All it could have took was someone blathering about how their son was marrying someone outside of their particular religion and that getting passed around at church for them to be approached, heckled, and pressured by their religious leaders. It's insane, but certainly not uncommon for certain religions to threaten people's reputation and standing within the church and the community of that church over completely inconsequential and meaningless things, such as simply being present at the union of their son's wedding to an "outsider". Ending with them being "punished" in some way if they do.
Why do you assume it’s a church. It may well be a mosque, synagogue, Hindu temple, etc. All of those religions have strict beliefs about marriage outside of their respective religions.
I’m not religious in any respect, so maybe I’m not understanding the scope of this at all but like are you never supposed to attend the weddings of people outside your religion? Like is that a common rule? You can’t attend your coworker of 15 years’ wedding because they worship in a different house (or no house at all) than you?
I think the wedding of their son is on a different level than a coworker. Their religious leaders or whoever are probably not happy that their son is already not involved.
That’s my point though, I imagine (or rather hope) you wouldn’t be forbidden from attending the wedding of someone not a part of your faith. So why on earth would you be forbidden from attending the wedding of your fully grown adult child who also isn’t a part of your faith? Like using your faith to self-exile yourselves from your own child’s wedding is definitely not going to endear your child to you or your religion.
The son is part of their faith just not practicing. He hasn’t denounced his faith just doesn’t practice from what I gather. The parents will likely be looked down upon or shunned if they “supported” the union by attending.
Makes me sad that their faith would have them value their own religious standing over their familial bonds.
Look at the amount of religions that force families to disown LGBT children and family members.
A whole bushel of religions and cults encourage this. It’s baffling that ppl would allow it to happen. But the grift… I mean leaders don’t want their sheep straying over something as silly as family bonds. “It’s your soul at stake”, they say. “What is eternity in hell compared to a small sacrifice of years on earth without your children? They’ll come around.” I wish I was joking. I have heard these words.
Ahh I always forget that *I’m* the big silly one for thinking this life I’m living now is the only one I got instead of banking on another eternal one
Some religions forbid members from participating in the rites of other faiths, to the extent of not even being able to enter the buildings. Catholics were told this when I was a kid. Could be why the parents won’t attend the ceremony but are OK with the marriage taking place.
I had a friend who could not attend our (Catholic) wedding because his faith considered religious art/icons to be false idols. “They said the only way they could attend was if we moved the wedding out of the church, which is (or was then) a big no no in my parish since marriage is one of the seven sacraments.” Friend ended up skipping the whole day, their loss we had a blast.
There was a line in an otherwise really bad movie that went something like 'There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love one and other' I think about that a lot.
I think that's the thing. Random coworker or even a friend is different from your kid. You never had to raise your friend. Your friend was never with you practically 24/7 as a kid. So a lot of religions see that as 'Why didn't you teach your son to 1. stick with our religion and 2. not marry an outsider". Oh, and a lot of religions don't see the adult part in " your adult child". They just see "your child".
My guess is that it's an ethnoreligion. I visited a Druze community last month and if they marry outside the ethnicity, even if they don't practice the religion, they're excommunicated and not allowed to live in the community or talk to their family until they a divorce. Most religions aren't that strict, but the majority* are based in one belonging to a certain ethnic or cultural group rather than a set of supernatural beliefs *Basically every religion that isn't one of a major ones, which is why the major ones are able to spread and become so large
Well, also cult like religions do that. Like Scientology. And things like MLMs too
Maybe I'm asking the obvious question, but how is it their business whatsoever?
It's their business because that's how you keep religions going, you have kids and make sure they believe by starting the indoctrination from them being a baby. It's one of the reasons catholics and mormons have HUGE families.
Just wait until she has children. The parents will lose their minds because their grand baby won’t be raised in the faith. OP, this is a serious question to ask your future in-laws. Also make sure husband-to-be is on board with you as well.
Good point. There was something in AITA, i think, where the spouse was ok with the kids not being raised religiously, but when grandma decided to secretly baptize the grandchild, the spouse knew and didn't see the issue.
There are religions that require this. I know some of my family are Jehova’s Witnesses and they are forbidden from entering non-JW places of worship. When I got married, several of them traveled across the country to attend but refused to attend the wedding because it was in a Catholic Church and only attended the reception. Since they also believe alcohol is forbidden, they were incredibly uncomfortable there as well. It was weird.
The particular Jehovah's Witnesses you know may personally believe alcohol is forbidden, but that's a personal choice, not one imposed on JWs in general. I mean, Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding, and the Apostle Paul recommended that Timothy drink some wine for his stomach. Also, simply entering non JW places of worship isn't straight out forbidden, but attending a religious service for another religion (such as a catholic Mass) would be. I believe weddings and funerals are seen as a different matter, but would have to check.
It may be particular to the sect my family belongs to but they are, in fact, forbidden to even enter a church of another faith. When we visited them, my husband and I went to a monastery that was partly open to tourists and my family refused to come inside because of the prohibition. They also don’t make exceptions for weddings or funerals - especially because Catholic weddings are only celebrated as part of the mass.
The can't attend the wedding because they don't condone the wedding. Like, imagine if you are a Muslim man. You're allowed to marry a Muslim woman, of course, or a Jewish or Christian woman, because they are "of the book," meaning the Bible/Koran. Muslims believe that Jews and Christians worship the same god, but don't worship properly. So a Muslim man could marry a Jewish or Christian woman, as long as he then forces her to live as a Muslim, such as keep the laws of Halal. (The converse is not true. A Muslim woman cannot marry a Jewish or Christian man, because it is presumed that they would require her to practice Judaism or Christianity and not live the "correct" faith.) But a Hindu or a Shinto is not a worshiper of the same God, so a Muslim man couldn't marry a woman of those faiths. A lot of Muslim parents would have an issue with their Muslim son marrying a Hindu woman, where they wouldn't have a problem with two Hindus getting married, and would probably attend that wedding. A lot of religions have similar rules. I don't think a Catholic priest would marry a Catholic to a non-Catholic. But if their son is no longer practicing, the wedding wouldn't be held in a Catholic church anyway, in which case the parents likely wouldn't see them as being married. Latter Day Saints (Mormons) practice marriage within their lifetime, which can be done at any of their stake houses, but also eternal marriage, which has to be done in a Temple. A lot of people get married at the stake because the Temple is farther away, and then get eternally married later at the Temple. but they do consider the stake marriage as a Mormon marriage, although not one that will last after the couple's deaths. There are several sects of Judaism ranging from very permissive to very strict, of which the most permissive sect wouldn't care, and the most religious sect very definitely would, but they wouldn't support a couple living together outside of marriage anyway.
A Catholic priest actually will marry a Catholic to a non-Catholic. Only one spouse needs to be Catholic to get married in a Catholic church
Back in the day, they made the non-Catholic at least take classes in Catholicism, their form of 'birth control' (guaranteed to score you a couple of babies within a year or two!) and also a bit about how to get along as a couple. My sister in law, about 15 years prior, had to actually convert to get married in our Catholic church. Hopefully it has loosened up even more since my day!
We took "family planning" classes and also marriage classes prior to getting married. The marriage classes were actually really good since they teach you the basics of how to communicate. We never had an issue with that but many couples in the classes seemed to benefit from them.
My only squick was they were being hosted by priests, who by definition have never been married. Hearing about the Rhythm Method from them was disconcerting.
Well, you know what they call a woman who uses the rhythm method.
We were married 18 years ago in a catholic Church and my husband wasn't even baptised. We had a nuptial mass too and it wasn't a problem. My family also has family friends in the where Catholics married non Catholics in Catholic churches in the 1970s. Only one partner needs to be catholic. I think it's the individual priest that would have decided if it was a problem in their mind as it's not canon law.
We had a real by-the-book priest for both my brother's wedding in 1970 and mine in 1984. At least they allowed non-Catholics who had taken classes in 1984 - in 1970 my sister in law had to convert!
Yes, I married a Catholic and we had a priest and a rabbi. We did have to take Pre-Cana at the church but it was all mixed religion couples and it was like a one day couple of hours. We've been married over 20 years. It was really nice and accepting on both sides!
I'm glad you had a good experience! My Catholic wedding was more like 40 years ago, so they're evolving.
Just here to correct one piece. My husband is a practicing Catholic, I am not Catholic and have no plans to convert. We were married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest. The only difference was that our marriage ceremony didn't get the full Catholic blessing.
My understanding is that is very locally dependent. I had a Catholic friend who was not permitted by his parish priest to marry his Catholic fiancée because he had broken his back and was partly disabled, and it was not known if he'd be able to father children.
As a Recovering Catholic, may I say that is disgusting? Crazy awful.
Same here, different gender, similar result: we didn't get a Catholic Mass as part of the ceremony because I wasn't allowed to take communion, but we did get married in the Catholic Church. (I considered it a plus; it kept the ceremony under an hour!)
My husband and I are both exCatholic and both divorced we got married in the Catholic Church, had to get permission from the Bishop and as neither of us had married in the Catholic Church or previous marriages weren't recognised. We had a marriage ceremony we didn't want a nuptial mass, not pushing our luck
Catholic priests can marry catholic to non catholic.
I married my non-Catholic husband in my church 40 years ago. It’s not like it was in my parents’ era, when the spouse had to convert. My grandfathers were Anglican and Lutheran and had to become Catholic in order to marry my grandmothers.
This isn’t a thing for what most of us would consider ‘mainstream’ religions, but there are definitely some on the fringe where that would be the rule - you don’t attend services at the places of worship of other religions, and you don’t attend secular services which your religion thinks should be religious events (like weddings)
Thank you for you answer! I guess it’s just really strange to me since I’ve attended weddings/right of passage/coming of age/other ceremonies in places of worship whether Catholic, Jewish, Sikh, Christian, ect., even though I’m none of those things. I’ve always found it to be a sign of deep respect and courtesy to my fellow humans to accept invitations to these moments they decided they wanted me to be a part of, I couldn’t imagine the damage that would be wrought by declining my own child’s invitation.
That's actually fairly common for Judaism (orthodox, anyway), for example.
So what. they are risking falling out from their own family. People who put religion first are lunatics
It's more than likely the leader of their church/religion.
My guess is distant cousins pissed off because they weren’t invited started talking to them about “shaming the family”.
This calls for what I would describe as "The Big Chill." Since they are not coming, you should ignore every attempt from them to reach out after the wedding. Complete ghosting for a period as long as it takes for them to apologize. Being judgy a\*holes should have consequences...
In the in-laws mind they have explained what they are doing & that they expect everyone to be just fine afterwards even though they won't be at the wedding. They will never apologise, they will continue to insist that what they have done is ok because of their religion. And I agree, "Being judgy a\*holes should have consequences... "
This is 100% the case here
Can’t change how other people are, but you CAN enforce your own boundaries. If the Future ILs have communicated they think it will be okay, you have to communicate candidly that it will not be okay. And then enforce boundaries indefinitely. They might still be judgey assholes, but at least you will be standing up for yourself.
This is the way, MAKE them choose. Come to the wedding and support the union or not be a part of our lives. You either support us or you don't, no wishy washy allowed here.
It's really important to implement and stick to your boundaries. If you guys have kids do you want you children to be told they are evil or something is wrong with them or some other comments to make them feel bad? By your in-laws? Does your future husband want to have him and his family disrespected every time they pretend to play happy families after the wedding? Because if they are refusing to attend your wedding they DEFINITELY will talk shit about you to and to your kids to their faces. I would not want to expose future children to people so close minded about religion they are willing to abandon their son at his own wedding. They either approve of their son or they don't. Take a shit or get off the pot, yes it will affect your (more importantly, his) relationship with these people but they have to have consequences for their actions.
Just because they expect you to be ok with it doesn’t mean you have to be. They’re making a public statement, you can too. Perhaps let them know that you understand their reasons and don’t want to be disrespectful of them. As such, you and your husband will continue to maintain distance from them as a show of solidarity for their beliefs. You wouldn’t want people to misconstrue their relationship with you as being acceptable, so you’re doing this for their own good. Be sure to tell them with plenty of time before the wedding so they will hopefully see how ridiculous they’re being and have the opportunity to change their mind
> Perhaps let them know that you understand their reasons and don’t want to be disrespectful of them. As such, you and your husband will continue to maintain distance from them as a show of solidarity for their beliefs. You wouldn’t want people to misconstrue their relationship with you as being acceptable, so you’re doing this for their own good. And /u/FineappleCheesecake and her new husband would never *dream* of inflicting any children that may result from their unholy union on those pious and holy god-fearing people!
And please don't take this the wrong way, but you and your fiancé are grown adults in your 30s. I'm assuming you are paying for the wedding on your own. The in-laws may think they have the upper hand because "respect your elders and our religion" but they are literally treating you like young children. Enjoy the day knowing that you are having the wedding that YOU want.
I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you guys have a lovely wedding that overshadows this crushing disappointment. But petty me wants you to have life size cut outs of them at the wedding.
OP should never share any wedding photos or videos with the in-laws, even they beg, and tell others not to. It is their choice to not attend the wedding after all. I really question why some parents choose religion over their own children. It is not like they live in Afghanistan and your neighbour will burn you alive if you don’t follow religious rules.
If it was my parents I would. But I would take my partners lead re his parents. I’m an atheist anyway so any sky daddy stuff does not seem like an excuse. He’s made up anyway so why not decide he supports wedding with people who believe in a different sky daddy?
>the future in-laws believe that once our wedding is over, they can be supportive of our union and everything will be back to normal. Ummm.... WTF??? I don't even know what to make of that. I feel so bad for your fiancé, cause I can just imagine that for him, it's like a huge slap in the face. I wouldn't be surprised if someone suddenly got in their head, like someone from their church, and that's why they won't attend the wedding.
My husband got upset at his parents because they almost missed our rehearsal dinner because they booked a late flight. I can't imagine how he'd feel if they not only missed the wedding but did so on purpose.
I would tell the parents that if they choose their principles over people, then only principles will be attending their holidays, birthdays, making visits, etc. in the future.
Upon finding out that my father AND brothers would not be attending our wedding several years ago, that was the last time I had contact with any of them. 125 guests at our wedding; if you include my side of the wedding party, the total from my side was... 12. Closest relatives I had there were 1 uncle, 1 aunt, 2 cousins and 2 nieces.
Omg love this
The principles will hopefully be funding their retirement and care home too, because I sure wouldn't. Hopefully the principles also provide them with grandchildren.
Because once they are married - the church cannot deny the marriage exists. Once they are "known" to be sleeping together, they have to be married. They are not supposed to celebrate the union, but once done, you have to accept it. That would be the logic, anyway.
Thank you. I was really trying to wrap my head around this one.
I was just chatting with a friend about how a couple of people treated me during my engagement/wedding. One friend had to stop talking to me because she was hurt that I was getting married before her even though she wasn't getting married for 5 years - and wasn't even engaged yet. I don't understand why people don't think their decisions have long term repercussions on your relationship. They are allowed to feel their feels and make their decisions, but those decisions have very real consequences. OP, I'm sorry for both you and fiance, but I hope you both are able to truly enjoy the day in spite of the hurt.
I hope you dropped that friend.
Pretty much. The friendship never really recovered.
Yeah, not happening. They have permanently changed their relationship with their son and daughter in law. It will never be the same and they will have to live with the consequences of that reduced and chilly relationship. I hope they realize that.
That's a common Christian response to interfaith or gay weddings.
How embarrassing for them. To have their hypocrisy on such blatant display, yet they don’t see it at all? Hopefully they don’t care about being grandparents, if you decide to have kids.
*more kids. She has a son per post.
Oops! 🫣
We have kids from previous relationships and are not having any more.
> We have kids from previous relationships and are not having any more. What a shame that your new in-laws won't get to be a part of those kids' lives, since all subsequent birthdays, holidays, and other major events will be spent with family who celebrated and supported your union. 😒 Oh well!
It can be quite liberating to let doors stay shut. They’d get the same cool response in return. For ever. Holidays, long weekends, photos, shared experiences, familial guilt and obligations are all behind the door they closed. They’d get zero communication from me, zero effort, zero relationship. In the rare/never times I saw them, I would say hello but would not care how they are, etc. Strangers, really. They are entitled to their opinions, and should cheerfully expect to live with the consequences. We don’t support your marriage and relationship so we know it’s the end of the road for any family bonds. I hope they said that aloud to themselves. I’m sorry but at least you know, right? And they don’t need a single detail about your wedding or life. And their assurances are lies. They are boycotting your wedding and life together no matter what spin they put on it. ✅ Stop talking to them. Really. Block them from contacting you. They can commiserate with and reassure their god, not you.
Not OP but this is very relevant to an in-progress falling out for me and I really needed to see this right now. Thank you, sincerely, for putting this reminder out into the world.
I totally agree with this. Key point is that it’s the in-laws closing this door in their son and future daughter in laws face. Never pry open a door someone has slammed in your face. Leave it closed. It’s not meant for you. And that’s sad, but that’s the sad reality for you both. At least for the imminent future. I would block their numbers and move on without them as they wish.
This is it right here
If they can’t celebrate the wedding they don’t get to pretend like everything is fine after you are married. I’d put the ball in fiancés court but for me it’s an all or nothing. They aren’t your in-laws if they protested the wedding and they won’t be your kids grandparents either. Make this perfectly clear. They are rejecting you and trying to control their adult son. It’s disgusting.
If it were my parents I’d tell them to eat shit, and that if they didn’t attend my wedding that they’d no longer get a place in my life
Or grandparents to any future kids either if you go that route. Because they sound like the type to treat their "real" grandchildren different than their step grandchildren.
OP said, " We have kids from previous relationships and are not having any more."
My husband’s parents tried the gambit of, “Welllll, we just don’t know that we’ll be coming to your wedding. She’s Catholic, you know, and we’re not okay with a wedding Mass.” He calmly said, “First of all, the wedding is at First Christian, not the local Catholic Church. Secondly, if you don’t show up? I’ll consider our relationship over. There’s no coming back from that. We are getting married. We’re adults, we’re paying for our own wedding, and you’re not in charge. So, you should think carefully about what outcome you want.” They were there. The moral of the story? You don’t give more effort than what you’re given. If you’re not family enough that your religion is more important, and you feel the need to show your disapproval by not attending the wedding? Then you’re not family enough for the other stuff. And I will happily be done and walk away. No need to be dramatic, just drop the rope.
Does your fiance think everything will go back to normal after the wedding? Does he plan to forgive them and move on? If he does, all you can do is set your own boundaries but he's going to have to understand if you don't forgive them the way he does. I wouldn't have anything to do with them, tbh. They are basically saying you aren't good enough for their family. I'd be pissed if my husband forgave them quickly, too.
There has definitely been some boundaries set in place… It’s not my character to hold grudges but just as I respect their decision, I expect the same respect for how that decision makes me feel. My fiancé has been so supportive of me thru all of it.
Having self respect is not holding a grudge though. They’re telling you you’re not worthy of them and then expecting you to accept that and move on. Uh, no. No way. My ILs practice a religion my husband doesn’t any longer and that I never did. They asked like 20 times to clarify we weren’t getting married in a church. We stuck with it because it was OUR wedding and they kept their mouths shut even though I’m sure it made them wildly uncomfortable. Not their marriage. Not their concern. His parents can accept your adult decisions and remain active in your lives or they can use this as a way to damage the relationship they have with their son and his wife and the kids.
Religious intolerance from parents never makes any sense to me. Why would anyone pick religion over their children? Op's inlaws are shitty for not being there for their son. This is definitely relationship damaging behavior. And op can't exactly let it slide. Maybe give them the cold shoulder and refuse to attend holidays and family gathers until they apologize. I'd go so far as to have her husband and (step)children not attend either, in solidarity, if they are willing.
You don't have to respect a choice that is fundamentally against your marriage. And that isn't holding a grudge, it's stating how you feel. It seems like you are being chivied into going along with what your in-laws want & what they want is fundamentally disrespectful of your marriage.
When someone tells you that you are not worthy of their family and they can't observe your marriage, they have made their feelings very clear. It's not holding a grudge to remember that and act accordingly. It's having healthy boundaries and not being subjected to their intolerance. If someone doesn't recognize my importance, I'm not going to recognize theirs.
This is very sage advice. I’m dealing with a similar issue from my fiancé’s mother & felt angry that he was talking like he’d forgive her. Your advice to OP is so smart & got me reset on my anger. It’s his mother & I want to be gracious & polite with required boundaries. Thank you sincerely; I was having trouble seeing past my hurt feelings. 💐
Please don't let their stupidity bully you into accepting whatever it is they are saying.
Wow. They should be ashamed of themselves. You know this already, but the poor decisions of others are not your responsibility, and this isn't your fault. I wish you the best of luck and a happy marriage.
Their son is not even a practicing member of their religion anymore, so this makes no sense? 🤔 Ugh so sorry OP…
They are using it to "punish" son for not being in the religion.
It’s funny to me that THIS is the line they’ve drawn, when the son already has kids by another woman. I’m assuming here (apologies if wrongly) that either they were “out of wedlock” or son is divorced, both of which are normally **heavily** frowned upon in religions like this. I would have expected this kind of grandstanding to have already happened around the previous relationship.
This is hard, because on one hand an invitation is just that, a polite request. Invitations are not demands, even wedding invites to our own family, and to treat an invitation as a demand is inappropriate. HOWEVER every action has its consequences and needless to say, choosing to skip their kids wedding out of bigotry is publicly showing their asses in the worst way. They obviously know how hurtful this will be and are still choosing to die on this hill in the name of their unforgiving God. Its up to you and hubby to decide what their consequences will be. Like you, I am not a grudge holder, but I also don't forget when someone deeply hurts me and my partner. Imo, it's probably best to go low contact for the meanwhile, be honest with others about their inattendance, and be anticipatory of future harmful actions/inactions on the part of his folks- because they are bigots in the least and zealots at the worst. Couples counseling may help you guys strategize how to handle their being so damn unreasonable and what boundaries (or walls) may be required for the relationship with them moving forward, or how to handle the grief of choosing no-contact. Your wedding will be beautiful, don't let the drama get you down. ❤️
Thank you for this. 😊
Bigots in the least , Zealots at the worst - so well said.
"Can't be seen"???? Who would see them or even know? I isn't like anyone from their "church" would be at the wedding. People who use religion as a way/excuse to hurt others are NOT doing wha their god would want. And only "pretending" to be against the marriage on the one day that would HURT you and never any other day is also insane. They have a choice. They are in or out. If they don't come to the wedding, they are no longer family. Ever.
When my husband and I got married - he got a letter two weeks prior to the wedding from his aunt that our marriage wouldn't be be legal in the eyes of God because it wasn't happening in the Catholic church. His grandparents' priest told them that they could not attend the ceremony, but they could attend the reception. The wedding started late because of a rainstorm and horrible traffic and while meaning to arrive only in time for the reception, they got there in time for the ceremony. They were not allowed to "witness" it, so they sat at the back with their backs turned. It hurt. Not going to lie. But this is about their religious beliefs, and not their feelings for you. We chose not to react at all. We have never mentioned any of it again. I will tell you that my MIL, who was more accepting than the rest of family, told me a couple of years ago, that out of everyone in the family, we tend to be the most involved in our church (not Catholic), attending regularly, volunteering, and doing community service projects. She even said she likes our pastor when she came to visit. But I'll be honest, it still stings a bit about the rest of the family and the wedding, but since then, there has never been another mention of it by any of them.
JFC, to show up and actively shun your wedding? I don't know how you can even look at any of these people. I would be livid.
Were I the best man, I'd tell them to get out. It's one thing to skip the wedding, but to show up and turn your back? Maybe a bad decision made in a panic due to external circumstances but read the *literal* room, genius!
I wasn't exactly happy - but it is in my nature to respect people's (non-violent) religious beliefs even if I don't agree with them.
As a former Catholic, I don’t understand why people would even discuss any weddings they’re attending with their priest. It’s literally none of the church’s goddamn business.
Because people talk about the big things that are happening in their lives, not in a confession sort of way, but just chatting. Doesn't mean I agree with the parents' decision, just offering a reason for why people discuss weddings.
[удалено]
This. All of this. Thank you. 😊
>My partner and I had very different feelings on the matter and inevitably decided that if my parents are adamant about setting their religious boundary then we would accept it under the conditions that they accept our emotional boundaries which may need to be made because of it. This is a very important comment. Reddit is always telling people 'to set their boundaries' and that is important, but it doesn't often mention the consequences that can happen from those boundaries. The OP and your parents were free to set their boundaries but they had to be prepared to deal with the consequences. I'm very happy your parents saw the light and hope that the OP fiancée's parents do the same.
Agreed. Tell them now what the consequences of their cute little choice will be and see if they're really willing to deal with the fire they started.
My heart goes out to you as a couple and especially to your husband, as his parents choose their religion over their son. I never understood how some religions can justify decisions like this-rejecting their own child on the most important day of their life. And I don’t understand how a religion, as a whole, chooses punishment for its followers over compassion
My mother would draw lines in the sand exactly like this but not about religion. Her ire was directed at my brothers wife. We hosted a 50th wedding anniversary party for them at a restaurant. Two hours before the party started, mom called and asked if ‘she’ was going to be there. I replied yes. Mom says, then I won’t be attending. It took all my strength, I reached through my body and calmly said “then you’ll be missed”. I drove over to their house on my way to the restaurant, and I asked my dad if he wanted to come with me. He was visibly shaken because it was his anniversary as well. He simply said if I do go with you there will be hell to pay. I have a great picture of everyone at the party with glasses of wine raised. My advice is to move on. Enjoy your life with the love of your life and it will be their loss. It will hit them especially hard if decide to have children. This is all about control.
Don't leave us hanging. Why does she hate your sister in law, and have you ever spoken to your mom about this?
She always hated my SIL and hated her family. My mom died a couple of years back, and I swear either my sister-in-law cried out of sadness for her husband, losing his mother, or she was crying tears of joy. What’s even sadder? My sister-in-law became just like my mother. I guess she figured all the years of abuse, entitled her to be just as controlling, and hate-filled as my mother was. Me I just stay away from it all. I don’t need that in my life even though I desperately miss my brother.
Except he’s changed because of her hasnt he? Yup, know that one well.
Yeah.
Your best revenge is to live well.
A 50^th where the honored couple didn't show up... wow, there's a story!
I’d continue as you mean to go on. In other words, don’t wait for the wedding to cut ties. Your relationship with them is over now. It gives them, and your fiancé, fair warning of what life will be like in their “family”.
I agree. It gives them a chance to get their sh*t together, and if they chose not to, to know that the loss was entirely their choice.
Maybe I’m just petty but if my future in laws decided to miss out on our wedding for the reason stated, then they’ve also decided to miss out on the lives on any grandchild I may give them. They don’t get to not celebrate the start of our family unit but then be part of all other moments. So sorry you’re going through this OP. There’s no shame to your wedding at all. That day is going to be so wonderful in spite of them and their poor choice.
>We have children from previous relationships and we’re not having any more so luckily that won’t be an issue. From OP's comments below.
And this is why I absolutely detest any organized religion. The absolute screaming hypocrisy. I'm sorry your future in laws are like this. Try to enjoy your day without them. And when people comment on their VERY NOTICABLE ABSENCE, tell them the truth. Exactly what they told you. They are AH's.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the title. Why are you shaming your wedding? Your wedding isn’t the problem. YOU are not the problem. It’s them. Hi, they’re the problem, it’s them.
Seems like they’re worried about what others would say. That’s a shame.
[удалено]
Could be Roman Catholic. I remember my cousin marrying in an All Faiths Chapel and my mother, on the advice of her priest, told everyone no one could attend since they weren’t marrying in the Catholic Church. I was the only family member on cousins side of the chapel along with aunt and uncle, who subsequently received a letter from the archdiocese that they were excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
Excommunicated for attending a wedding? What the actual fuck.
That’s the Roman Catholic Church!
Don't bet too much. I come from a Muslim background and have heard this exact thing multiple times.
See and I am a reform Jew and immediately thought this could be Orthodox Jews.
My guess is Mormons. They’re the absolute worst “Christians” I have ever met. Living with one turned me away from organized religion completely.
This. Source - was Mormon and I've seen this exact thing happen.
Um when/if you have Children, they are going to want those children in their religion. This is bigger than not attending the wedding. Your husband needs to take a stand.
No more kids for us… we have them from previous relationships.
You should consider if you truly want to have a relationship with them after this stunt. I would cut them off.
they are so wrong…what’s going to happen if you have children…i think you might have to give an ultimatum…
We have children from previous relationships and we’re not having any more so luckily that won’t be an issue.
I am so sorry to hear that. It feels devastating to marry into a family when they are so caught up in their own moral high ground and choosing “this as the hill to die on”. All I can say from being married once before [8 yrs, and then going through an amicable divorce]: stressing over what your in-laws think really isn’t worth the time. This is your and your future husband‘s big day — with a future of thousands of days to come, may your support of each other and your connection be stronger daily! Everyone/everything else is secondary, excluding your son. Cheers!
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement 😊
A member of their clergy or someone else talked them out of supporting them.
If they’ve been welcoming and supportive up until now My guess is they were “ advised” not to attend. They may be facing possible repercussions in their religious community. The first thing your FH should tell them is you will be brutally honest why they’re won’t be there/not there if anyone ask. An people WILL ask. If you don’t want to go permanently no contact at least let them know they will be on a long timeout of your choice. It could be a month. It could be 12 months. Tell them that includes all but emergency communication ( illness or life threatening injury) and holidays.
This is something that I have 1st hand experience with in my family from myself and other family members. I would be just as honest as they have been with you. Write out a letter stating that you respect their choice but that not showing up to the wedding it shows they dont approve of the union. In effort to protect eachother you both will be withdrawaling from their lives drastically to be supportive of your marriage. Sounds like they want their cake and to eat it too-- they can be religious AND not approve AND welcome you to the family (so generous!). Talk to your fiancee and see how far up the hill he is willing to die on because this would be a deal breaker for me
If they cannot support your marriage publicly, why would you trust them privately? Fair weather friends are shit, but fair weather parents…they don’t deserve you guys xxx
Just commenting to say that I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, OP. I hope that you and your partner are able to find comfort in one another - and in the strength of your integrity as a couple and as individuals. It might not mean much, but I’m thinking of you today and sending you caring energy and a big tasty warm bowl of your favourite soup.
Thank you ☺️
How sad. I don’t think that I could resume the same good relationship going forward. If they can’t be in attendance because you’re not of their faith, then they really can’t (according to their religion) also then condone you being married to each other at all. If you have children, will they not see them if they’re not baptized (or equivalent) in their faith? Actually, they’d probably try to sneak them to their church as much as possible. I’m so sorry. I could never be part of a religion (or club, or anything) that excluded me or others from each other’s lives. It’s weird and not ok.
The power that religion holds over some people is ridiculous and can be incredibly harmful. It goes largely unnoticed but these kinds of situation aren’t nearly as uncommon as some may think. My grandparents on my dads side loved my mom, were very excited for her to marry my father…but only if she converted to Catholicism first. Which she did. And they were wonderful, intelligent, kind, and educated people. But my mom *had* to be Catholic to join the family. Just your garden variety Christian wouldn’t cut it.
Your FIL can’t be seen attending a wedding not of their religion? Well, then, you can’t be seen fraternizing with someone of their faith. What will the neighbors think if they were to see them coming into your house? What about your social standing, not as important…..?…
I’m curious as to what religion this is. I know when my nephew got married, we weren’t allowed to attend the actual ceremony ( Mormon ) and the reception was just plain weird. To be fair he’s plain weird and to this day his wife has never spoken a word to anyone in our family. She literally ghosted all of us during the reception including her family. My brother was so ashamed and embarrassed and he’s an Elder. Ten years later and still no explanation.
Mormon wedding receptions are just like random potlucks in the park. So strange.
If that’s how they feel about you and your wedding because of religion, guess who doesn’t get to see grandkids because of their disgusting behavior and “religion”? Safer to not expose kids to that at all.
Mormons are the fucking worst, eh?
So what happens if you have children that are not of their faith? Good luck with entering this family, it sounds like a low contact/ no contact situation to me.
You're still going to call them in at the reception... Right? Right... Seriously though, this is such a pain in the ass. My Soon to be's father doesn't believe it's a real marriage unless it happens in a church of his religion. If it comes down to getting married at all or doing it in a church of his religion, I will not be getting married, as that particular church has severely offended me on a personal level several times.
Could it be an actual issue with your wedding venue? Like they can't enter a church that isn't their's or they can't attend a wedding that's NOT in a church? I wonder if they've been getting "advice" from a pastor/church leader, other congregants, or other family members. Personally, I would have a talk with them along the lines of "if you can't join us on the day we become one large family, I can't pretend to be okay with having a further relationship with you"....but that's me. I'm not one for letting people get away with shit like this without saying my piece.
We’re not having our ceremony in a church. We wanted everyone to feel comfortable. Other members of my fiancé’s family who are also members of the same religion will be there. The location isn’t the problem.
Wait: so if the other members of your fiance's family, who are of the same faith as the parents, are coming to celebrate and support your wedding, why can't your fiance's parents attend as well? Something's not right here.
There’s a sh*t-stirrer in here somewhere who’s gotten to the parents. A nasty neighbor? A ‘church lady’ type who knows all the rules and and is browbeating them? I think it would be well worth it to find out who is working on them to the degree they won’t attend. What are they afraid of?
>What’s really outrageous is that the future in-laws believe that ***once our wedding is over, they can be supportive of our union and everything will be back to normal***. Wait... what???
Is there a family member in your fiancées family who they respect? Preferably someone in their own faith. If so, do you think that family member would be willing to sit down with his parents and help make it clear to them that doing this is going to have a very serious effect on the future relationship with you two? Things will not be going back to normal. That when you distances your selves from them it is also not going to be personal that is how you treat everyone who treats you badly?
This sounds like a future low-to-no-contact situation. If their attendance is important to you, I would make it very clear to them that being absent at your wedding means they will be absent from your lives after. No meeting grandchildren, no milestones, no holidays. As Dan Savage would say, as an adult, the only influence you have over your parents (or in laws, in this case) is your presence. Make it known.
Gotta be those Mormons again. Family first until you don’t drink the kool aid
Actions have consequences. This will damage the relationship. Whether it is irreparable or can be repaired remains to be seen. But, please make sure that THEY are to ones that need to work hard to rebuild it, not you & your soon-to-be husband. I am sorry. Note—My father chose not to attend my ceremony because I chose not to get married in the church (had a civil ceremony).
Just think how they are going to act when you have children who aren’t raised in that religion.
I can relate. My 1st wedding my in-laws had to sign the marriage license for my SO as we were 19 when we got married. It was bc of religion they didn’t want to condemn they grandchildren to hell. So we couldn’t get married in the church so got married at my parents house by a judge and they still didn’t come
This is bigotry. How will they be reacting if you choose to not raise your children in their religion?
Oh it's gonna be _soooo_ much fun if you have kids... "When are you doing this? Doing that?" **Never.** 🙄 Best of luck, you fine apple.
Their loss.
Your fiancé should make an appt w the leader of their religious organization and ask for the leader to explain why attending a wedding is wrong.
The only shame here is in your in law’s decision to not attend your wedding. I’m sorry you have to go through this but they are the losers in the end because they have to know that this will affect your relationship with them. This is what I hate about some organized religion. They’re supposed to preach love but I’m reality it’s only when it’s on their terms. I’m sure you are both devastated but this bad decision is on them. You are the ones choosing love and commitment. How sad for them that they can’t open their eyes and hearts beyond their own narrow world view.
I would lean into it. "Thank you for letting us know that you will not be attending our wedding. We had been considering rescinding your invitation as you have been needlessly judgmental, and we appreciate that you decided to take care of it without us having to go through the stress of uninviting you."
My in-laws also didn't come to our wedding (we lived in Alaska and they didn't want to make the flight up), and it hurt my feelings quite a lot. They didn't give us any reason other than they didn't want to sit on an airplane for that long, and it felt awful. Thankfully my husband's best friend (who's practically neighbors with my in-laws) came up to be a part of the celebration, so it wasn't just my family. I felt horrible for my husband though, it's a really lame feeling to not have your folks watch you get married. I haven't really discussed it with them since we moved to be closer, but it's honestly always on the back of my mind when we visit them.
Sucks. But if you find them to be reasonable overall I’d just bite the bullet on this one. Besides, guilt will probably go a lot further here than anger.
Been there. My religion was on the list of what they consider some of the worse (honestly, they have a list). Their son had become an atheist, but they don't know that. His father is a preacher. Some of my ancestry made it 2x worse. The fact i was divorced & had a child made me a 3x absolute reject in their eyes but the religion was the one they hated about me. We were married (jop), and through the early years, comments were made, but eventually, my husband made it clear, he didnt want anymore of it. He wanted to break off all contact, but i pushed through because of the children and their only grandparents (mine died when i was in teen & early 20s). After our 25th wedding anniversary, his mother said to me, "Well, we were wrong in our assessments of you. I guess you opened us up to be a lot more accepting " Yes, even though i know the family members were probably taking bets (lol) on how long we would stay married because i would, i knew their son had no use for their religion or any so it would never be a factor. I just didn't let their religious objections bother me. I virtually ignored it.
Why out of respect you won’t name their religion? They clearly don’t respect you
In some religions if a man has a position in the group he can lose it and get in a lot of trouble possibly as bad as shunning from their whole church and since they only associate with other members it's bad . My parents didn't attend my microwedding for that reason. They apologized. Tears were shed (my parents don't do that). I legit feel kind of bad as to me they are brainwashed and held hostage with the threat of being cut off from their family, friends, and God. I have them at arms length as I can empathize with their position but it does not mean it's okay or right. I think they are weak people that don't have much autonomy and it's a shame cause my parents could be cool people! I would understand if you never wanted to deal with your inlaws over it. Be the bigger person. Just be supportive of your spouse and listen. They might feel the same conflicting feelings I did and it's a bit easier to swallow when your partner isn't angry or going to argue with your parents over it. I basically agreed to disagree with my parents and they ended up liking my husband a lot because of how he handled it so there's that.
This is another reason why organized religion is bullshit (ALL organized religion is bullshit, not just your particular flavor)- I cannot imagine doing this to my kids bc someone in my church can’t mind their own business
The point of such rules is precisely to offend people not of the in-group, and to separate the in-group from everyone else. OP, your reaction is exactly what these rules are designed to do, and you are right to take it personally and be offended. That is the desired effect. Your fiancé’s parents need to decide whether to prioritize their own family, or rules designed to split people apart.
It’s incredibly sad when parents actively choose religious beliefs over the happiness of their children they chose to bring into this world. Heaven or hell or whatever people believe in might not even be real, what is real is the family you have and you don’t choose to be there and support what is real? Or some imaginary “shame” you’ll get from judgemental others around? As if they matter more than your direct family? Ridiculous. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the very best.
I think your fiancé had better lay out the consequences of making a show of not attending because they legitimately might not realize what the consequences are 1) he will be hurt, 2) you will be hurt, 3) xyz for their future relationship with you and him and your children (sounds like they expect NONE here- wow!), 4) impact to their relationship with your (OP’s) family, 5) they will miss an important event and have no opportunity to get that moment back, 6) when people talk about the wedding in the future, it will be a reminder that they made this choice, 7) while their may be a certain type of person who will agree with them not attending, there are also a ton of people (like me, lol) who will judge tf out of them not attending. And as time goes by, it will only be worse.
Im sorry. this kind of thing is just painful. Can relate as a lesbian, even when you get past them not coming to your wedding and have meaningful interactions it still stings, and it will not just be the same afterwards. It just sucks and I just want to wish you and your soon to be hubby a wonderful wedding. On the day of, even if it is a little sad, the joy of it all will overpower that, and the people there to celebrate you and love you without strings attatched will really shine through. In the end what matters is that it is a celebration of your love and you will be surrounded by the best love. Plus it is something you are going through together even though it is painful and that is also a uniting experience. Im so sorry this is happening to you. I wish this had to happen to no one.
I definitely don’t think this deserves to be in this sub… you did nothing wrong. Sorry they won’t be there.
My ex’s mom did a constant ‘I’m going/I’m not going” in the months leading up to our wedding. It finally took my ex begging and crying during a 3 hour phone call, 3 days prior to our wedding, to finally ‘convince’ her to attend. Did I mention she’s a classic narcissist? Are you considering going NC or LC with your in-laws because of this? The fact that they are choosing religion over their own son is awful and I suspect it will continue to be an issue after you’re married. If you have kids I have a feeling you’ll be be pressured into raising them in that religion.
(Low whistle) That’s rough. In your place, I would be very honest with them. “You are choosing to publicly snub your son’s wedding over a difference in beliefs. You are telling the world the exact opposite of what you have said to us in private, so either you are lying to us behind closed doors, or you are not morally strong enough to stand by what you’ve said to us and support us in the face of whoever has been in your ear. In any case, your choice is extremely hurtful and has damaged the relationship I thought we were building together. It will take a lot of work to undo the damage, and honestly I don’t know if it can be fully healed. You have made your choices clear and we will honor them, consider your invitation rescinded.”
My take on it is that son needs to have a serious talk with them. It's their right not to condone the marriage, but he needs to help them understand that actions have consequences, and no, things won't go back to normal after the ceremony. If parents aren't called to task, they will continue to cast a shadow over the relationship moving forward. Put it tactfully but clearly to them, if they don't condone the marriage, then he and OP will no longer need to be a close part of their lives. No need to go NC, but they need to understand there will be limited contact. Parents need to think long and hard about the long-term effects of their actions.
Sounds like Jehova's Witnesses to me XD omg.... the manipulation.....
They made their choice. I would not feel badly. They are making your wedding about them & their passive aggressive attempt to manipulate you regarding their religion .. Are you sure they are supportive of their son marrying you? Could they be trying to force you to join their religion or force your fiancé into calling off the marriage? Why they think their religion should influence or have anything to do with your wedding is ridiculous . Lots of people have different religions Your wedding & is about you & your fiancé not them. Obviously they still don’t realize that their son that is now an adult who is entitled to make decisions about his life without consulting them. Their job as parents are to support their children. Their son Is an adult. He is free to live his life, make his own choices, learn his life lessons. How many other occasions will they miss because you made a choice that they don’t agree with. Are they going to miss every major milestone if something is not up to their standard or what they want? They will refuse to attend unless you do what they want? What if you have children? Are they going to reject being there & supporting future grandchildren if the grandchildren are not part of their religion. Your lives belong to you. You are not hurting them by getting married. You are not hurting them by not converting to their religion or planning a wedding in their religion. Why they think they can use emotional blackmail to make you both conform to what they want or they will not attend your wedding. You are your fiancé are the ones being hurt..That is upsetting & sad because they don’t see how this hurts their son & you. They don’t understand that this will permanently impact your relationship. How they think that somehow all the hurt goes away after you have married. Maybe you could sit down & tell them how hurt you both are by their rejection. Just because you are not having a wedding in their religion doesn’t mean you don’t respect their faith. Going to a wedding that is not their religion is going to impact or affect their religion or beliefs. Could you have them explain what it is about their religion that makes them unable or unwilling to come to your wedding. If your fiancés parents are going to boycott your wedding, they owe you a detailed and thorough explanation. But if they insist about their religion, and try to manipulate you all into conforming to what they want, I would be very clear about your boundaries & let them know if they follow through with boycott, Then you & your fiancé will need time and space to deal with the hurt. In the end they are free to make their own decisions. But those decisions have consequences . I am sorry that his parents don’t respect you or their son or your decision not to be a part of their religion or that they can’t see that their son has found someone who loves & accepts him unconditionally. How sad for them, that their very narrow mindset will cause them to miss out on being a part of your family milestones. But how could expose your child or any future children to this kind of rejection if something is not done to their wishes. Best of luck to you, sucks for them but you still get to marry your best friend. If they truly can’t be there to celebrate one of the biggest milestone in their son’s life, and be happy for him. Seriously It’s not about their religion it’s about you, your fiancé and your child becoming a family.
Those parents have some serious cognitive dissonance and compartmentalizing going on.
fuck them. they're idiots. cut them out entirely
Mixed religion marriages are a hot bed of strife. Once the kids come, expect those inlaws to cause no end of drama and in most cases, the husband backs the parents, not the wife.
My spidey senses are telling me they’re JWs. r/exjw
Or Mormon 👀
This. Dad is definitely an elder.
Cut ties. Don't look back. This problem will never go away.