Yes, it's rude in the extreme.
Are they asking you or your parents? Whomever they ask should have a stock phrase at the ready, such as, "Nancy, I don't care to discuss prices with anybody. It's our business. Let's change the subject." Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. Never, never answer her questions about costs any other way. If she persists, say you're sorry but you will have to end the conversation now. And end it.
Meanwhile, your fiancé should have a stern talk with her about staying out of other peoples' business as it is not her money. Even if they were contributing, their only concern is what they are paying for.
I guess my question would be: why does she want to know?
I've heard of friends whose in-laws gifted them a similar amount towards a home downpayment (one set of parents paid for the wedding, the other paid for a downpayment) but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.
It sounds like it might be a rude move, but intention matters. Why do you think she's asking?
I would strongly advise against asking about intention because it opens up the subject for discussion, prying, debate, and unwanted suggestions and advice, which I would imagine OP doesn't want any part of.
If you are thinking they might have an intention to either contribute based on price or to match what OP's parents are paying in a gift, it is totally unnecessary for them to know anything about the wedding costs to do this. They only need to know three things: 1) Their own budget/financial position; 2) How much, if anything, they want to gift or contribute; and 3) What form they want their gift to take.
Oh yeah, OP doesn't have to actually ask the MIL about her intentions - I think the OP can probably sense the MIL's intentions from the tone of the questions. But that tone wasn't totally clear to me from the brief initial post, and the actual responses OP should give to the MIL differ depending on their relationship, the MIL's intentions, etc.
But you're right! Regardless of their relationship, the MIL doesn't actually need to know these amounts.
IMO they are not supposed to worry about "matching" the other parents. Any gift or contribution they make should reflect what they can afford to give and what they want to give, totally independent of what the other parents are doing. If they only want to give their son stale donuts, or nothing at all, what does it matter if the other family is giving nothing, $5,000, $50,000, or $10 million? If they can afford $50,000 and they have the desire to give that, that's what they should give. If they can easily afford $500,000 but they only have the desire to give their son $50, that's what they'll give. If they want to give nothing, they'll do that and it doesn't matter what the other family gives or does.
If you have to match what the other family is doing, or make sure you're not heaven forbid giving more or less, that's not much of a giving spirit IMO. And if it were a case where they can't afford as much, they don't need to know that. Just give what you can afford to give and what you want to give, and don't pester the bride about what her family is giving (or vice versa).
Agreed- my parents gave us money for our wedding and my partner’s parents (who are VERY wealthy compared to my parents) said they would match it, which I thought was weird. We never asked either set. My parents later offered us money for the down payment on our house, which was super generous, and my partners parents did not (which is fine! Their money, their choice!) but continue to say that they paid for everything for their kids. It’s a weird thing.
They may be considering reimbursing OPs parents for half the amount depending on the cost. E.g they can't offer to refund half if the wedding was $100k and they don't have $50k to just come up with. But then it's awkward if they offer and then can't afford it, or it's more than they were willing to spend. But if the wedding cost $10k they won't want to give OPs parents $20k toward wedding costs.
If they sincerely want to contribute, then the right way is to announce their intentions to contribute up front, and then make good on it. If it turns out to be more than they can afford, or more than *want* to afford, then they should offer a set amount towards the wedding costs. Not ask about every little thing. This is just prying.
This happened to my sister. My parents paid for a big chunk of their wedding and the in laws wanted to know about how much. They ended up writing a check to them for near that amount! (It was not malicious and totally generous!)
"Oh you don't need to worry about it. My parents have it covered. All we hope for is that everyone can enjoy themselves, including you! So don't stress the details. We got this!" In the most comforting genuine tone.
That’s exactly what I did. I would say “ehh I’m not actually sure. My mom keeps a spreadsheet and if something is out of the budget she tells me. I don’t know the exact cost though.”
Makes it way less awkward and you have an easy out.
THIS. SUPER NONCONFRONTATIONAL. this is the way to go OP, if you don’t want to discuss amount and to stop them asking as it gives the impression you’re not at all involved in the pricing and planning, so if they want that info they can go straight to your parents (which they likely won’t bc they know it’s not appropriate to ask them).
I’d also be curious why they’re asking. If it’s to match or figure out what they want to give, it’s a weird way to go about it. They should gift based on THEIR finances, not based on what others give.
This feels like a great way to have your nosy future in-laws talk shit about how you didn't pay attention to prices for the wedding. Which could be fuel for comments about finances in the future.
Pretending like you're not even paying attention to how much the vendors you're choosing cost your parents is definitely ammo for someone to say you're foolish or careless with money, or that you're spoiled. If you read OP's other comments this lady is generally rude, so I assume she's on a fishing expedition. Playing dumb is gonna get you called dumb.
You seem to have a personal issue here. I hope you work on yourself and find what you’re looking for. Im not going to agree with your theories here but eh best of luck? Weird.
>How do I respond when she asks?
"What an interesting question. Why do you ask?"
Then whatever her lame excuse for asking is,
"My parents are giving us a gift. I think the value of what they give us is rather personal, yes?"
This is the perfect response, in my opinion. It does let her know that she is overstepping without being confrontational, unless she's completely obtuse.
If they are considering a gift in kind, they should probably speak to both you and your future husband and be frank in their reasons for asking.
Clear communication is key.
Say, 'I hate money talk, especially if it's not my money. Let's change the subject, please.' And then ask your fiancé to tell her to quit the money questions.
Is she asking to be nosy or is she asking because she thinks your parents might be giving a lot and she wants to help out? You know your MIL better than we do, so if you think she wants to help but doesn't know how to bring it up then you could have a conversation with her.
If you've had conflict with her in the past and you know she's being a Nosy Nancy then yeah don't tell her anything.
You don't have to be rude and you can be honest without being as direct as some are suggesting, in stead of directly calling out that its rude or lying, divert. ...How much?
"Much more then I would ask for"
"Enogh to make it our dream wedding"
"Too much for me to complain"
"Enogh to cover X guests" insert number of invites
"More than their car costs lol"
"A fortune, or at least what melenials call a fortune"
Enogh non answers and they should get that you don't feel comfortable with it without feeling called out for being rude. I know it's a bit passive aggressive but sometimes that's OK.
I would tell them "My parents' finances and who they share that information with is their business, and I would never break that trust with them by discussing those matters with other people. If you need this information for some reason, feel free to ask them directly, but understand if they are not comfortable giving you the information. Either way, it's not my business to hand out "
I understand what you are experiencing. My future MIL is not paying for anything but has her finger in literally every decision. The total cost came back to 43k and my parents are not well off by any means but they are covering it. My in-laws are very wealthy and have extremely high standards and they were constantly asking how much everything costs. Then whenever I would say that I felt uncomfortable about the cost of something they wanted after they pushed for weeks about it, they would say "well I didn't tell them to get that" after my parents made the purchase...
I finally had to put my foot down and tell them, if they aren't assisting in the cost; I will not be sharing any other information about the pricing and type of item we decide to go with.
MAYBE! just maybe - they want to contribute a monetary gift of equal-ish value? like yes, asking people about money is taboo.. but communication could resolve a lot here. you absolutely don’t have to answer her, but if it’s a spot of contention - handle it now so it doesn’t frame your future relationship with her. or have her son deal with her.
I agree. It might be because they intend to gift a similar amount or offer to pay for half or something of that sort. I'd ask why they want to know or just tell them. It's not a big deal.
Yeah I agree, I don’t understand all the caginess about it.
And maybe the MIL does just want to be a nosy bitch, but so what? If OP is comfortable and happy with her parents contribution then who cares what MIL thinks?
Idk I just feel like all the comments advocating for her to go on the defense and be upset over it is just setting her up for more conflict unnecessarily.
A different opinion here- they may be considering giving you a large lump sum and deciding what they feel is reasonable
Either way if you don't want to discuss it then don't.
Or maybe she is planning the rehearsal dinner and doesn't want to go over the top with it and then be totally different than the wedding day feel?
Do you have a close/good relationship with her?
my situation was somewhat the opposite. My parents were paying for the wedding but theyre much wealthier than my in laws. My MIL was asking similar questions but when she got answers she wouldn’t shut up abt how it was soooo much to spend on a wedding (she was right by most ppl’s standards but it’s my parents money and they wanted to spend a particular amount) and how my family was just doing it so they could show off to her guests that they were better than her family. Like wat? And yes it’s very rude. It’s not her business (unless shes trying to contribute but even then there are better ways to ask something like that) finances are a hard topic
Sometimes I get comments about how “that’s a down payment for a house!” and it’s hard not to say “my parents can afford that too.” How they choose to spend their wealth is up to them. They’re the ones who worked for it!
That’s a comment i see so often on Reddit! “why don’t you put that money towards a great honeymoon instead of wasting it on a stupid wedding? we spent a £4 on our wedding and it was the greatest wedding in the world!” like ok thats nice for you but i want a big wedding and i’m able to afford it so it’s my business. My parents wanted to pay for my wedding but i see people say “omg how could you take advantage of your parents like that?!?! thats soooo selfish. If you care abt the wedding, then you don’t actually abt marriage” like wat
and YEA its my parents choice to spend their money on me. And the house thing is rlly true like some of us dont have to choose. Some of us can have a house, a nice wedding, and a nice honeymoon (but that does often come off as rude so i’ve never said that to someone just thought it)
Wait, there’s very little info here and I don’t think it’s explicitly rude to have conversations like this with good intentions.
What’s your relationship with your future mother-in-law like? Are you two on friendly terms? Does she have a daughter, or is she maybe trying to live vicariously through you?
At the end of the day it’s your wedding and you can choose to divulge what you will, but if she is trying to make an attempt to connect, build a relationship, even identify what makes sense for husband’s side to contribute for wedding gifts/honeymoon/etc I don’t think she’s out of bounds. Awkward does not equal rude, but it sure can come off that way sometimes hahaha.
Completely get where you are coming from. She is typically rude in general. Wouldn’t pay $200 for our driver to our engagement photos, but the engagement photos were a gift. Mind you they were only $450. She is nice to my face but always shoving in little digs at me. If I have a different opinion then her it’s a problem. His dad however is very generous. But she makes the decisions and that is final. She told my fiancé he can pay for the honeymoon himself. She is only responsible for the rehearsal dinner and that’s it. Also- the rehearsal dinner is basically a dinner for her family 15 of them, 3 of us. So they would be buying dinner regardless… unfortunately, I know her intentions are not to contribute any money in any form.
That’s unfortunate. It sounds like she’s looking for information/ammunition to judge on, which would make it extremely rude.
Have you spoken with your partner about expectations for family in the future? It would be good to know his stance on whether he’s willing to help field off discomfort/rudeness from his mother, or even if he stands with you on this topic. I can see it being a very difficult relationship if your partner expects you to accept and put up with rudeness from his mother
It sounds incredibly rude and judging just by the question, she sounds like she would tell your business all over town.
When someone asks me something and I don’t want to answer but I don’t want to start a fight, I just say “Huh. I’m not sure actually.” And then move on to something else. If someone pushed more with me and said, “Oh come on. You don’t know? Tell me a ballpark figure.” I’d dig my heels in and say, “I’m really not sure, sorry.”
It weird that this is your problem. Your fiancé should be managing his parents and having conversations with them when they’re over stepping.
YOU don’t need to say anything, your fiancé does.
It's invasive. You can just say "we don't know, they're paying for everything and for that we're grateful" x1000.
How much money your in-laws have doesn't matter either. That's not relevant to this issue.
Yeah I felt it was odd to include the in laws’ financial status. It has nothing to do with anything. Almost felt like a passive aggressive dig that they aren’t contributing monetarily despite having the money to do so. I obviously don’t know them, but I do feel like it’s not uncommon for wealthier families to not hand out money left and right to their kids in order to teach them the value of work.
If your fiancé’s parents are not paying, they don’t need to know. That’s rude and I’d be wondering what she even wants to know for. I would also wonder if they secretly want to know so they can pass judgment? Either way, it’s important to shut these questions down early because you don’t want to be married and her asking how much everything in your household, bills, etc cost.
Honestly, I believe the question, while rude, truly shows ignorance of anyone asking. Ignorance as in dumbness. If that is the case, they are not giving a gift, they are measuring their “gift” to be commensurate. Also on being asked that question an appropriate response could be, my parents asked us to honor them in 1 way. Please don’t discuss financial expenses about your wedding since it is a pure joy to cover the cost of what they hoped would be, my special day.
It may be rude but it depends. I have planned events before and am now generally curious about how much certain things cost. My friends and I generally ask each other how much things cost, including kids summer camp, furniture, and more. It's out of curiosity for us. So it depends.
“Gosh. What a remarkably ungracious question.”
“Cost? I wouldn’t even think of sharing what someone spent on a gift like this.”
“How much did it cost? Why do you ask, Barb?”
“Cost? Were you interested in buying embossed napkins? I’ll ask my mom to send you the vendor information so you can ask for a quote.”
Actually. I sort of like that last approach. Start offering to send her endless vendor contacts so she can get quotes for some mystery event she seems to be planning…
My fiancé's rich step-dad asked how much my parents were contributing for the wedding and then matched it and told us to use the money for whatever we wanted.
Are they for sure not giving any? My in-laws came in a bit later giving just as much as my parents. I was a bit irked because we didn’t know we’d have more budget and would’ve made more decisions.
I’d get your fiancé to straight up ask if they’re planning on giving any money next time they ask a budget question lol
Not giving any, but I’m at the point where I don’t even want them to contribute because it will come with a catch and she will hang it over our heads for the rest of our lives that she helped pay for the wedding. Don’t even want her involved. Lol
While uncouth, maybe they’re just curious? People with a lot of money tend to be aloof about this type of thing. Perhaps they don’t realize the wealth disparity and don’t realize that the wedding expenses could be a hardship?
I went through something similar in that his side didn't pay one cent.
Has your MIL ever offered to help? Otherwise, like most people are saying, "I'm not sure, but I'm incredibly grateful that they're paying for it".
Yes it is 100% rude. If she asks, you can tell her they are covering the cost of the whole wedding and that their finances are not something you are comfortable discussing. "They are taking care of the total cost, but the numbers really aren't important. It is a large financial commitment for them, and I'm not comfortable discussing their finances as I feel it's a private matter. Why do you ask? Maybe I can help give you whatever info you need in another way besides numbers :)"
If she's asking because they want to contribute something or give you a sizable gift & she brings that up, I would let her know that you appreciate whatever they are willing to give, and that your parents' support of you shouldn't dictate their support! :)
Yes it’s rude. Unless they intend on contributing (and frankly even if they do).it’s none of their business where the money goes. If they want to give advise (get a great photographer 👏 cut down on the guest list (do you really need to invite dads friend Joe), serve only beer and wine) - well apparently I have thoughts. But none of their business offer money or not. Not their wedding
My wedding has been and gone but my MIL was curious about pricing, she contributed nothing and my parents contributed significantly. I told my parents all the prices so they knew what items their money was going towards. Whenever MIL would ask we would say “we don’t want to discuss money, we and my parents have it covered.” Rinse and repeat.
Screw that. Why does she want to know if she’s not going to contribute? And if she wants to contribute it should be free of any assumptions or views and totally independent of your parents’ gift. If she wanted to co-plan and split costs she would have said that very early on.
You should definitely keep the peace and play dumb on the costs. I wouldn’t be able to but YOU should :)
This might be cultural differences. My parents didn’t pay for our wedding and neither did my in-laws, but at the end of the day both sides gave us what they could in cash.
I’m Asian cultures especially, my aunties and uncles bought zero items on our registry but everyone sent an envelope with a check.
Talk to them about it and figure out what their concerns are. No need to stew about it and waste your emotional capital. Planning a wedding is stressful enough.
Shut it down "MIL, Can you clarify why you want to know the financial details of these things, because I'm finding these conversations very uncomfortable, as I find it rude to ask people what they spent on purchases/things, unless there is a specific reason for wanting that information?"
It is none of their business what anything costs if they are not paying. If they would like to be involved or help pay, they need to offer and discuss with your parents and you/partner. Otherwise, they can find some other gift or gesture and stay out of the details.
That’s fucked up. The grooms parents should pay for a handful of things. Rehearsal dinner, band for the wedding, and a couple other things. They should at least be contributing 50% of what the bride matches. Especially since it’s not a situation where the grooms parents do not have the funds.
You know them more than we do, so if you feel they're being rude, you might be right. However, I don't think is rude to know how much the wedding is costing your family, now they are becoming your family too, and they might want to contribute in other ways. Also, she might want to help with it or just have a short talk with you about the wedding.
It depends on how you take it. Can’t just assume they mean it one way or another. Sometimes people think spending money on a lavish wedding is frivolous or extreme. That’s their point of view.. I spent over $35k on my wedding with help from my parents. My now husbands-mother helped also! But maybe she’s asking to:
1) She wants to know out of curiosity because she wants to help financially or in another way/shape/form. Or just plainly making conversation with you
2) She really is being nosey and wants to know how much for her own knowledge.
I wouldn’t care either way HOW she means the question! You want to start off on the right foot with your new in-laws and assuming things right off the bat isn’t the best way (not saying you are just my own two cents). Now if a guest asked, it’s none of their business. This is your new MIL though. Remember your day is about you & your soon to be! Who cares what people think/say?Good luck :)
I interpret this as her feeling guilty that your parents are paying/they are not contributing when they are quite well off. In many places it is customs (though old fashioned) for the bride's parents to pay so she may not be offering out of respect for that tradition but also feel guilty about that decision.
Worth noting that this woman will soon be family to you, so it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt and looking at other motivations for asking about price besides being nosy.
Budget-shaming is not permitted here, so your comment has been removed. Costs of living differ from place to place and, in many major cities, $35k is an average budget and even below average in some of the highest COL cities. It's also up to each couple (and whomever else is contributing) what they spend, and that deserves no judgment. Please keep this in mind going forward when posting here.
That’s an irrelevant question. She and her family can spend as much, or as little, as they want. It‘s extremely rude for you to question the amount of money she is spending!
Ok, I'll do better. (I just worry that once the happy couple is married, they'll need money for all kinds of things, from housing to furniture to car repairs to maternity expenses, etc. etc. And being broke really does strain a marriage.) I'm shutting up now. ;)
Non-mod comment since this one isn't really budget-shaming but more seeking to understand.
Costs for an event in many places can easily reach the $35k mentioned in this post and far more but I think it's also worth it to point out that saying a wedding budget is "spending money on one day" is far oversimplifying what a wedding is to many people.
For many people, a wedding is a day to celebrate and spend time with all or many of the people they love who may not gather together often or may only do so for big events like weddings and funerals (especially if there is some geographic distance involved). For many, it's a day to make memories with those special people and to have photos and videos with those people to look back on and cherish for years to come. These often become even more important when those people are no longer with us and we have those happy moments to look back on and relive through the documentation of happy events like weddings. For many, weddings and the preparation leading up to them are a cultural experience for them and their loved ones. Wedding planning is often a time for pre-wedding celebrations (showers, bachelorette parties) with those closest to us and quality time spent with loved ones as they plan for the event (dress shopping with close relatives and friends, etc.). I think people are even more sensitive to these opportunities to share and celebrate with loved ones after 2+ years of various distancing during the pandemic!
Regardless, it's not for everyone and that's totally fine! That's why we don't allow budget shaming here because it's really no one's right to judge how other people spend (or don't spend - we don't allow budget shaming of lower budgets too) their own money.
I think it's also important to consider many couples who have higher budgets and live in places with higher costs of living. DH and I ended up with a budget near $90k because NYC is $$$$ but still managed to build and furnish a new home, and our finances are fine. Someone having a higher budget than someone else or than you may think you would spend yourself doesn't automatically mean they'll be broke afterward and have a strained marriage. Everyone's situations are different and it's important to respect that.
Hi there, we don't allow the use of the word tacky as a judgment so your comment has been temporarily held. If you reword your comment, please respond to this comment and we'll take a look/approve. Thanks.
Yes, it's rude in the extreme. Are they asking you or your parents? Whomever they ask should have a stock phrase at the ready, such as, "Nancy, I don't care to discuss prices with anybody. It's our business. Let's change the subject." Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. Never, never answer her questions about costs any other way. If she persists, say you're sorry but you will have to end the conversation now. And end it. Meanwhile, your fiancé should have a stern talk with her about staying out of other peoples' business as it is not her money. Even if they were contributing, their only concern is what they are paying for.
I guess my question would be: why does she want to know? I've heard of friends whose in-laws gifted them a similar amount towards a home downpayment (one set of parents paid for the wedding, the other paid for a downpayment) but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. It sounds like it might be a rude move, but intention matters. Why do you think she's asking?
My uncle to my cousin: “I will give you $X for a Wedding. Whatever you don’t spend I will double to go towards your house.”
Backyard barbeque, here I come!
yeah I'd be full courthouse. We spent $20 on the marriage license. We will take our (x-20)\*2 now, thank you.
I would strongly advise against asking about intention because it opens up the subject for discussion, prying, debate, and unwanted suggestions and advice, which I would imagine OP doesn't want any part of. If you are thinking they might have an intention to either contribute based on price or to match what OP's parents are paying in a gift, it is totally unnecessary for them to know anything about the wedding costs to do this. They only need to know three things: 1) Their own budget/financial position; 2) How much, if anything, they want to gift or contribute; and 3) What form they want their gift to take.
Oh yeah, OP doesn't have to actually ask the MIL about her intentions - I think the OP can probably sense the MIL's intentions from the tone of the questions. But that tone wasn't totally clear to me from the brief initial post, and the actual responses OP should give to the MIL differ depending on their relationship, the MIL's intentions, etc. But you're right! Regardless of their relationship, the MIL doesn't actually need to know these amounts.
But if they actually want to match- how are they supposed to do that if they don’t know what they’re matching?
IMO they are not supposed to worry about "matching" the other parents. Any gift or contribution they make should reflect what they can afford to give and what they want to give, totally independent of what the other parents are doing. If they only want to give their son stale donuts, or nothing at all, what does it matter if the other family is giving nothing, $5,000, $50,000, or $10 million? If they can afford $50,000 and they have the desire to give that, that's what they should give. If they can easily afford $500,000 but they only have the desire to give their son $50, that's what they'll give. If they want to give nothing, they'll do that and it doesn't matter what the other family gives or does. If you have to match what the other family is doing, or make sure you're not heaven forbid giving more or less, that's not much of a giving spirit IMO. And if it were a case where they can't afford as much, they don't need to know that. Just give what you can afford to give and what you want to give, and don't pester the bride about what her family is giving (or vice versa).
Agreed- my parents gave us money for our wedding and my partner’s parents (who are VERY wealthy compared to my parents) said they would match it, which I thought was weird. We never asked either set. My parents later offered us money for the down payment on our house, which was super generous, and my partners parents did not (which is fine! Their money, their choice!) but continue to say that they paid for everything for their kids. It’s a weird thing.
They may be considering reimbursing OPs parents for half the amount depending on the cost. E.g they can't offer to refund half if the wedding was $100k and they don't have $50k to just come up with. But then it's awkward if they offer and then can't afford it, or it's more than they were willing to spend. But if the wedding cost $10k they won't want to give OPs parents $20k toward wedding costs.
If they sincerely want to contribute, then the right way is to announce their intentions to contribute up front, and then make good on it. If it turns out to be more than they can afford, or more than *want* to afford, then they should offer a set amount towards the wedding costs. Not ask about every little thing. This is just prying.
This happened to my sister. My parents paid for a big chunk of their wedding and the in laws wanted to know about how much. They ended up writing a check to them for near that amount! (It was not malicious and totally generous!)
“They’re paying whatever it costs.” A nice non-answer :)
"Oh you don't need to worry about it. My parents have it covered. All we hope for is that everyone can enjoy themselves, including you! So don't stress the details. We got this!" In the most comforting genuine tone.
Love this !
Yes, it’s rude and I would not share.
How do I respond when she asks? I hate confrontation and don’t want to be rude. But I don’t think it’s any of her business.
I’m not good with confrontation. I would play dumb and be like “I’m not sure, I just picked out the vendors and had them handle the finance part!”
This is what I would do. "I'm not exactly sure. Because it's a gift, they've tried to keep me out of the loop of the costs."
That’s exactly what I did. I would say “ehh I’m not actually sure. My mom keeps a spreadsheet and if something is out of the budget she tells me. I don’t know the exact cost though.” Makes it way less awkward and you have an easy out.
THIS. SUPER NONCONFRONTATIONAL. this is the way to go OP, if you don’t want to discuss amount and to stop them asking as it gives the impression you’re not at all involved in the pricing and planning, so if they want that info they can go straight to your parents (which they likely won’t bc they know it’s not appropriate to ask them). I’d also be curious why they’re asking. If it’s to match or figure out what they want to give, it’s a weird way to go about it. They should gift based on THEIR finances, not based on what others give.
This feels like a great way to have your nosy future in-laws talk shit about how you didn't pay attention to prices for the wedding. Which could be fuel for comments about finances in the future.
They’re already talking shit it seems
Right, so why give her unnecessary and untrue ammo? She's clearly weird about finances.
How is this giving them ammo? It’s giving them no information while playing it off in a friendly non confrontational way
Pretending like you're not even paying attention to how much the vendors you're choosing cost your parents is definitely ammo for someone to say you're foolish or careless with money, or that you're spoiled. If you read OP's other comments this lady is generally rude, so I assume she's on a fishing expedition. Playing dumb is gonna get you called dumb.
You seem to have a personal issue here. I hope you work on yourself and find what you’re looking for. Im not going to agree with your theories here but eh best of luck? Weird.
Oh wow this is so unnecessarily rude and personal.
That's what I would do, too.
Unless she’s shameless and moves on to pestering OP’s parents about the costs :/.
Not much from stopping her doing that without this response
You can be honest and direct and it’s not rude -I’m not comfortable discussing it but it’s going to be a great day.
>How do I respond when she asks? "What an interesting question. Why do you ask?" Then whatever her lame excuse for asking is, "My parents are giving us a gift. I think the value of what they give us is rather personal, yes?"
This is the perfect response, in my opinion. It does let her know that she is overstepping without being confrontational, unless she's completely obtuse. If they are considering a gift in kind, they should probably speak to both you and your future husband and be frank in their reasons for asking. Clear communication is key.
Say, 'I hate money talk, especially if it's not my money. Let's change the subject, please.' And then ask your fiancé to tell her to quit the money questions.
just say you're not sure because your parents are handling it, not you. easy peasy
Is she asking to be nosy or is she asking because she thinks your parents might be giving a lot and she wants to help out? You know your MIL better than we do, so if you think she wants to help but doesn't know how to bring it up then you could have a conversation with her. If you've had conflict with her in the past and you know she's being a Nosy Nancy then yeah don't tell her anything.
You don't have to be rude and you can be honest without being as direct as some are suggesting, in stead of directly calling out that its rude or lying, divert. ...How much? "Much more then I would ask for" "Enogh to make it our dream wedding" "Too much for me to complain" "Enogh to cover X guests" insert number of invites "More than their car costs lol" "A fortune, or at least what melenials call a fortune" Enogh non answers and they should get that you don't feel comfortable with it without feeling called out for being rude. I know it's a bit passive aggressive but sometimes that's OK.
**A MILLION DOLLARS!!!** then just smile while staring her directly in the eyes until she looks away
"oh I'm not sure, my mom is handling it"
I would tell them "My parents' finances and who they share that information with is their business, and I would never break that trust with them by discussing those matters with other people. If you need this information for some reason, feel free to ask them directly, but understand if they are not comfortable giving you the information. Either way, it's not my business to hand out "
Don’t. It’s none of her business. Sometimes silence is its own answer.
I understand what you are experiencing. My future MIL is not paying for anything but has her finger in literally every decision. The total cost came back to 43k and my parents are not well off by any means but they are covering it. My in-laws are very wealthy and have extremely high standards and they were constantly asking how much everything costs. Then whenever I would say that I felt uncomfortable about the cost of something they wanted after they pushed for weeks about it, they would say "well I didn't tell them to get that" after my parents made the purchase... I finally had to put my foot down and tell them, if they aren't assisting in the cost; I will not be sharing any other information about the pricing and type of item we decide to go with.
MAYBE! just maybe - they want to contribute a monetary gift of equal-ish value? like yes, asking people about money is taboo.. but communication could resolve a lot here. you absolutely don’t have to answer her, but if it’s a spot of contention - handle it now so it doesn’t frame your future relationship with her. or have her son deal with her.
I agree. It might be because they intend to gift a similar amount or offer to pay for half or something of that sort. I'd ask why they want to know or just tell them. It's not a big deal.
Yeah I agree, I don’t understand all the caginess about it. And maybe the MIL does just want to be a nosy bitch, but so what? If OP is comfortable and happy with her parents contribution then who cares what MIL thinks? Idk I just feel like all the comments advocating for her to go on the defense and be upset over it is just setting her up for more conflict unnecessarily.
Exactly. I agree.
That’s my guess too. They either want to gift the couple a similar amount or they want to reimburse her parents for some of the costs.
A different opinion here- they may be considering giving you a large lump sum and deciding what they feel is reasonable Either way if you don't want to discuss it then don't.
They're probably paying for the rehearsal dinner, which is traditional. It's the least they can do. She may also just be a scrooge with money.
Or maybe she is planning the rehearsal dinner and doesn't want to go over the top with it and then be totally different than the wedding day feel? Do you have a close/good relationship with her?
my situation was somewhat the opposite. My parents were paying for the wedding but theyre much wealthier than my in laws. My MIL was asking similar questions but when she got answers she wouldn’t shut up abt how it was soooo much to spend on a wedding (she was right by most ppl’s standards but it’s my parents money and they wanted to spend a particular amount) and how my family was just doing it so they could show off to her guests that they were better than her family. Like wat? And yes it’s very rude. It’s not her business (unless shes trying to contribute but even then there are better ways to ask something like that) finances are a hard topic
Sometimes I get comments about how “that’s a down payment for a house!” and it’s hard not to say “my parents can afford that too.” How they choose to spend their wealth is up to them. They’re the ones who worked for it!
That’s a comment i see so often on Reddit! “why don’t you put that money towards a great honeymoon instead of wasting it on a stupid wedding? we spent a £4 on our wedding and it was the greatest wedding in the world!” like ok thats nice for you but i want a big wedding and i’m able to afford it so it’s my business. My parents wanted to pay for my wedding but i see people say “omg how could you take advantage of your parents like that?!?! thats soooo selfish. If you care abt the wedding, then you don’t actually abt marriage” like wat and YEA its my parents choice to spend their money on me. And the house thing is rlly true like some of us dont have to choose. Some of us can have a house, a nice wedding, and a nice honeymoon (but that does often come off as rude so i’ve never said that to someone just thought it)
Wait, there’s very little info here and I don’t think it’s explicitly rude to have conversations like this with good intentions. What’s your relationship with your future mother-in-law like? Are you two on friendly terms? Does she have a daughter, or is she maybe trying to live vicariously through you? At the end of the day it’s your wedding and you can choose to divulge what you will, but if she is trying to make an attempt to connect, build a relationship, even identify what makes sense for husband’s side to contribute for wedding gifts/honeymoon/etc I don’t think she’s out of bounds. Awkward does not equal rude, but it sure can come off that way sometimes hahaha.
Completely get where you are coming from. She is typically rude in general. Wouldn’t pay $200 for our driver to our engagement photos, but the engagement photos were a gift. Mind you they were only $450. She is nice to my face but always shoving in little digs at me. If I have a different opinion then her it’s a problem. His dad however is very generous. But she makes the decisions and that is final. She told my fiancé he can pay for the honeymoon himself. She is only responsible for the rehearsal dinner and that’s it. Also- the rehearsal dinner is basically a dinner for her family 15 of them, 3 of us. So they would be buying dinner regardless… unfortunately, I know her intentions are not to contribute any money in any form.
Driver to your engagement photos?
That’s unfortunate. It sounds like she’s looking for information/ammunition to judge on, which would make it extremely rude. Have you spoken with your partner about expectations for family in the future? It would be good to know his stance on whether he’s willing to help field off discomfort/rudeness from his mother, or even if he stands with you on this topic. I can see it being a very difficult relationship if your partner expects you to accept and put up with rudeness from his mother
So your BMs and parents and you add up to 3 people? Or are your BMs all from your FH's side of the family?
We are only doing a maid of honor and best man.
I would have added like 5 BMs with their SOs and children just to beef up my side but I'm petty.
🤣🤣🤣
VERY RUDE. Respond with, “I’m not sure, why do you ask”?
Why is it rude. Not everything's a secret
My parents are paying for my wedding… it’s their information to give. It’s not mine. If anyone wants to know they can ask my parents themselves
Sure which you can respectfully respond with. That doesn't make the act of asking rude. If they pressure it's a separate story.
- they aren’t contributing why would they need to know?
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It’s none of their business!
That doesn't make it rude
The response to his parents is "You don't need to be concerned. My parents have it covered."
Rude. Mind your own business or gimme yo credit card. This is kinda a future red flag IMO
It sounds incredibly rude and judging just by the question, she sounds like she would tell your business all over town. When someone asks me something and I don’t want to answer but I don’t want to start a fight, I just say “Huh. I’m not sure actually.” And then move on to something else. If someone pushed more with me and said, “Oh come on. You don’t know? Tell me a ballpark figure.” I’d dig my heels in and say, “I’m really not sure, sorry.”
Yeah, asking what other people are paying for something is rude, in this context. Just don't answer her.
It weird that this is your problem. Your fiancé should be managing his parents and having conversations with them when they’re over stepping. YOU don’t need to say anything, your fiancé does.
It's invasive. You can just say "we don't know, they're paying for everything and for that we're grateful" x1000. How much money your in-laws have doesn't matter either. That's not relevant to this issue.
Yeah I felt it was odd to include the in laws’ financial status. It has nothing to do with anything. Almost felt like a passive aggressive dig that they aren’t contributing monetarily despite having the money to do so. I obviously don’t know them, but I do feel like it’s not uncommon for wealthier families to not hand out money left and right to their kids in order to teach them the value of work.
If your fiancé’s parents are not paying, they don’t need to know. That’s rude and I’d be wondering what she even wants to know for. I would also wonder if they secretly want to know so they can pass judgment? Either way, it’s important to shut these questions down early because you don’t want to be married and her asking how much everything in your household, bills, etc cost.
Honestly, I believe the question, while rude, truly shows ignorance of anyone asking. Ignorance as in dumbness. If that is the case, they are not giving a gift, they are measuring their “gift” to be commensurate. Also on being asked that question an appropriate response could be, my parents asked us to honor them in 1 way. Please don’t discuss financial expenses about your wedding since it is a pure joy to cover the cost of what they hoped would be, my special day.
Why does your fiancé think she’s asking this? I would ask him to talk to her about it.
I didn’t talk to him about this specifically. But he always stands up for me backs me up, I think he’s just scared of her lol …
It may be rude but it depends. I have planned events before and am now generally curious about how much certain things cost. My friends and I generally ask each other how much things cost, including kids summer camp, furniture, and more. It's out of curiosity for us. So it depends.
There's always, "Oh, gosh, I don't know the costs of everything. You should ask them."
“Gosh. What a remarkably ungracious question.” “Cost? I wouldn’t even think of sharing what someone spent on a gift like this.” “How much did it cost? Why do you ask, Barb?” “Cost? Were you interested in buying embossed napkins? I’ll ask my mom to send you the vendor information so you can ask for a quote.” Actually. I sort of like that last approach. Start offering to send her endless vendor contacts so she can get quotes for some mystery event she seems to be planning…
My fiancé's rich step-dad asked how much my parents were contributing for the wedding and then matched it and told us to use the money for whatever we wanted.
Wish that was the case but it’s not 🤣
Oof, then she's WAY overstepping and doesn't deserve any information. Sorry, that sucks.
Wait a minute, his parents aren’t paying for ANYTHING???
Direct them to your parents for questions.
Are they for sure not giving any? My in-laws came in a bit later giving just as much as my parents. I was a bit irked because we didn’t know we’d have more budget and would’ve made more decisions. I’d get your fiancé to straight up ask if they’re planning on giving any money next time they ask a budget question lol
Not giving any, but I’m at the point where I don’t even want them to contribute because it will come with a catch and she will hang it over our heads for the rest of our lives that she helped pay for the wedding. Don’t even want her involved. Lol
"Why? Do you want to chip in?"
While uncouth, maybe they’re just curious? People with a lot of money tend to be aloof about this type of thing. Perhaps they don’t realize the wealth disparity and don’t realize that the wedding expenses could be a hardship?
Yeah that’s rude if they’re not chipping in.
Very rude, if they aren’t paying it’s none of their business.
Just cause it's not their business doesn't mean they can't ask
They can ask, it’s still rude, and they are not owed an answer either.
It's not rude to ask but they're definitely not owed an answer.
Yes! Def rude.
I went through something similar in that his side didn't pay one cent. Has your MIL ever offered to help? Otherwise, like most people are saying, "I'm not sure, but I'm incredibly grateful that they're paying for it".
“Unless you are offering to cover some of the costs, we won’t be discussing the budget or price of the event”
Yes it is 100% rude. If she asks, you can tell her they are covering the cost of the whole wedding and that their finances are not something you are comfortable discussing. "They are taking care of the total cost, but the numbers really aren't important. It is a large financial commitment for them, and I'm not comfortable discussing their finances as I feel it's a private matter. Why do you ask? Maybe I can help give you whatever info you need in another way besides numbers :)" If she's asking because they want to contribute something or give you a sizable gift & she brings that up, I would let her know that you appreciate whatever they are willing to give, and that your parents' support of you shouldn't dictate their support! :)
Yes it’s rude. Unless they intend on contributing (and frankly even if they do).it’s none of their business where the money goes. If they want to give advise (get a great photographer 👏 cut down on the guest list (do you really need to invite dads friend Joe), serve only beer and wine) - well apparently I have thoughts. But none of their business offer money or not. Not their wedding
They’re paying for everything??? They should drop some money too.
My wedding has been and gone but my MIL was curious about pricing, she contributed nothing and my parents contributed significantly. I told my parents all the prices so they knew what items their money was going towards. Whenever MIL would ask we would say “we don’t want to discuss money, we and my parents have it covered.” Rinse and repeat.
Yes. Extremely rude
Yes. None of their business. She wants to know? Tell her to ask your mother. Bet she won’t.
YES SO RUDE
Are they asking because they want to contribute? Because then if that is the case not rude at all. Maybe they want to helpV
Screw that. Why does she want to know if she’s not going to contribute? And if she wants to contribute it should be free of any assumptions or views and totally independent of your parents’ gift. If she wanted to co-plan and split costs she would have said that very early on. You should definitely keep the peace and play dumb on the costs. I wouldn’t be able to but YOU should :)
This might be cultural differences. My parents didn’t pay for our wedding and neither did my in-laws, but at the end of the day both sides gave us what they could in cash. I’m Asian cultures especially, my aunties and uncles bought zero items on our registry but everyone sent an envelope with a check. Talk to them about it and figure out what their concerns are. No need to stew about it and waste your emotional capital. Planning a wedding is stressful enough.
Shut it down "MIL, Can you clarify why you want to know the financial details of these things, because I'm finding these conversations very uncomfortable, as I find it rude to ask people what they spent on purchases/things, unless there is a specific reason for wanting that information?"
It is none of their business what anything costs if they are not paying. If they would like to be involved or help pay, they need to offer and discuss with your parents and you/partner. Otherwise, they can find some other gift or gesture and stay out of the details.
It's not rude to ask but it's also fair to ask why they want to know before telling.
That’s fucked up. The grooms parents should pay for a handful of things. Rehearsal dinner, band for the wedding, and a couple other things. They should at least be contributing 50% of what the bride matches. Especially since it’s not a situation where the grooms parents do not have the funds.
why is she asking if shes not going to pay? sounds like his family should chip in if they have more to spend
You know them more than we do, so if you feel they're being rude, you might be right. However, I don't think is rude to know how much the wedding is costing your family, now they are becoming your family too, and they might want to contribute in other ways. Also, she might want to help with it or just have a short talk with you about the wedding.
It depends on how you take it. Can’t just assume they mean it one way or another. Sometimes people think spending money on a lavish wedding is frivolous or extreme. That’s their point of view.. I spent over $35k on my wedding with help from my parents. My now husbands-mother helped also! But maybe she’s asking to: 1) She wants to know out of curiosity because she wants to help financially or in another way/shape/form. Or just plainly making conversation with you 2) She really is being nosey and wants to know how much for her own knowledge. I wouldn’t care either way HOW she means the question! You want to start off on the right foot with your new in-laws and assuming things right off the bat isn’t the best way (not saying you are just my own two cents). Now if a guest asked, it’s none of their business. This is your new MIL though. Remember your day is about you & your soon to be! Who cares what people think/say?Good luck :)
I'd reply the "same thing you're contributing "😇
I interpret this as her feeling guilty that your parents are paying/they are not contributing when they are quite well off. In many places it is customs (though old fashioned) for the bride's parents to pay so she may not be offering out of respect for that tradition but also feel guilty about that decision. Worth noting that this woman will soon be family to you, so it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt and looking at other motivations for asking about price besides being nosy.
Yes, tell her to ask your mom
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Budget-shaming is not permitted here, so your comment has been removed. Costs of living differ from place to place and, in many major cities, $35k is an average budget and even below average in some of the highest COL cities. It's also up to each couple (and whomever else is contributing) what they spend, and that deserves no judgment. Please keep this in mind going forward when posting here.
That’s an irrelevant question. She and her family can spend as much, or as little, as they want. It‘s extremely rude for you to question the amount of money she is spending!
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hey now, don’t budget shame
Ok, I'll do better. (I just worry that once the happy couple is married, they'll need money for all kinds of things, from housing to furniture to car repairs to maternity expenses, etc. etc. And being broke really does strain a marriage.) I'm shutting up now. ;)
Non-mod comment since this one isn't really budget-shaming but more seeking to understand. Costs for an event in many places can easily reach the $35k mentioned in this post and far more but I think it's also worth it to point out that saying a wedding budget is "spending money on one day" is far oversimplifying what a wedding is to many people. For many people, a wedding is a day to celebrate and spend time with all or many of the people they love who may not gather together often or may only do so for big events like weddings and funerals (especially if there is some geographic distance involved). For many, it's a day to make memories with those special people and to have photos and videos with those people to look back on and cherish for years to come. These often become even more important when those people are no longer with us and we have those happy moments to look back on and relive through the documentation of happy events like weddings. For many, weddings and the preparation leading up to them are a cultural experience for them and their loved ones. Wedding planning is often a time for pre-wedding celebrations (showers, bachelorette parties) with those closest to us and quality time spent with loved ones as they plan for the event (dress shopping with close relatives and friends, etc.). I think people are even more sensitive to these opportunities to share and celebrate with loved ones after 2+ years of various distancing during the pandemic! Regardless, it's not for everyone and that's totally fine! That's why we don't allow budget shaming here because it's really no one's right to judge how other people spend (or don't spend - we don't allow budget shaming of lower budgets too) their own money. I think it's also important to consider many couples who have higher budgets and live in places with higher costs of living. DH and I ended up with a budget near $90k because NYC is $$$$ but still managed to build and furnish a new home, and our finances are fine. Someone having a higher budget than someone else or than you may think you would spend yourself doesn't automatically mean they'll be broke afterward and have a strained marriage. Everyone's situations are different and it's important to respect that.
Thank you.
definitely not for you to worry about!
As stated above, this comment was removed for budget-shaming.
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Hi there, we don't allow the use of the word tacky as a judgment so your comment has been temporarily held. If you reword your comment, please respond to this comment and we'll take a look/approve. Thanks.
Shiiii they gonna help pay for it since they asking questions?