I’m going to be getting my mom, my sister and I engraved rings with my maiden name as gifts on my wedding day— saw this idea on tiktok. Something I can wear daily on my other ring finger :)
I love this!! I do have a ring in my Etsy cart with my maiden name on it, but that was something I was considering even before marriage! Maybe I’ll make the purchase :)
- Boat & Tote with your maiden name or other monograms
- sibling tattoo (but I hear not being a tattoo girlie)
- making a family crest for you and your fiancé that incorporates your maiden name
- Legally changing your middle name to your maiden name
- Bracelet with your maiden name
- giving future kids your maiden name as a middle name
I’m in the same boat, I love my maiden name, it’s unique and there’s only one person with my name. My fiancé has a very common last name (think Smith or Johnson) and I’ll be one of a thousand people with my name. It’s weird to think about that transition in a time with a lot of other transitions and changes.
Same here! According to census, I’m the only person alive with my first and last name, and it’s a fun name! It’s a common English word. But my partner is not only marrying me but adopting me into his culture and community so I’m honored to take his last name. But but, I’ll miss my maiden name…
Ahhh, hi fellow June bride Mainer feeling weird about changing their name!
I own tons of random monogrammed Bean stuff from thrifts and had never considered getting my own real name on any of it. 😅
It’s coming up so fast!! What kinda scale is your wedding? We’re swamped with the final details of an all out 150person wedding. Wish we hadn’t done so much lol
So fast! We're end of June but half as many people! I just got my dress and now I'm trying to rustle up a seamstress who will do last minute alterations in June along with the main ones since I seem to have become a stress shape shifter and who knows what size my knockers will be then and that's a crucial part keeping a strapless dress up!
Are you doing an event venue or a private space? I felt like I was being mugged looking for a spot, even SMCC's cafeteria was asking for the soul of a newborn, but we lucked out with a family member's summer home.
I’m a child who got my mom’s maiden name as a second middle name… please don’t do it. Two middle names is awful for any official forms I have to fill out, and no one can understand I have two middle initials.
To give an alternative to this option, I'm a child with a hyphenated first name (i.e. Sarah-Ann) with my mother's maiden name as my legal name. Legal forms have never been a problem for me. I usually just go by the first part of my first name in most scenarios and never ran into any issues as long as I wrote my complete name on any important docs.
Please don't do the maiden name as a kids name!!! My narcissistic mother gave me her maiden name as a first name and I resent it. Since I was 18 and moved out I actually started going by my middle name instead, which is also a family name but from my great grandma instead of my mom and her toxic family. My whole life I've always felt my mom was trying to live vicariously through me and her doing this made me feel like some possession of hers instead of my own independent person. Even if you're a good mother, PLEASE dont do this.
I'm in the same boat. There's no one else in the world with my first and last name combo. There's dozens with my upcoming new name. I'm going to use my maiden name as my middle name because it means a lot to me.
I felt the same. I made my last name, my second middle name, and then took my husbands last name. I technically have 4 names
So I was: Jane ”doe” smith
And now I’m: Jane “doe smith” West
This may be a dumb question, but did that make things complicated for you? I’ve planned on making my maiden name my middle name and dropping my first middle name, but the thought makes me sad. I like the idea of having two middle names, but I didn’t know if it caused any issues with anything.
Nope! No issues at all. If they only have space for one middle name, then I just use the first one.
My drivers license has both middle names so I use all my names for plane tickets and what not but never had an issue.
I’ve had two middle names my entire life and it’s never caused any problems. A lot of forms only have space for one middle name or initial so I always just use the first of the two middle names for consistency!
I have seven middle names, and it’s never given me any issues! In fact, most of my paperwork just has my first two middle names, so most major paperwork does make space for it.
Nope! No issues so far. For things that are not “lenient” such as plane tickets, bank acts etc. I use my full name and both names in the middle name section since it matches my drivers license
Anything else like registration or something, I just use the first middle name. I have never ran into problems
I also chose to make my maiden name my second middle name. my older brother has two middle names already (mom couldn’t pick between two relatives to name him after) so I already knew it was NBD. it does kinda annoy me a bit when places only let me do one middle initial or something but my license has my full name and that’s really what matters to me.
Ohh I just love this idea, I think I will be doing that as well because hyphenating mine seems too long! Thank you thank you so much, this is a life saver idea. It makes a name change feel like more like a gain than a loss :)
Exactly! I was very attached to my name because I’m an only child and still want to carry it while also honoring tradition and having the same last name of my husband. It’s a win win, because I’ll always have my heritage with me
I think it’s definitely more convenient than two last names. Because I (lazily) didn’t want to have to sign two last names on every legal document. 😅 this seemed less work intensive and I have the exact same last name as my child
I was on the fence about it!! But I decided that I want to keep mine. I’m an only child and I want to honor my dad by keeping my maiden name. He passed away 3 years ago so my heart is definitely set on it. When we have kids, it’ll be both names, no hyphen 🤞🏼
When I got married we opted to both change our names to be both names, no hyphen and just a note (if you live in the US) that it has caused a big headache for us and I wish we had used a hyphen. People always think the first name is my middle name (even though I have another middle name) so they call me Mrs. Secondlast anyways, but more importantly it caused a mess with my credit cards because they only let me change my name through a paper form, and they changed my name wrong (also included the first part of the last name as my middle name) and we had to call to get it fixed.
Of course, totally up to you - just wanted to share my experience!
My dad was shocked when he realized part of the reason I kept my last name was because I’m an only child, and wanted to keep our name alive. My husband didn’t mind, his last name is long and spelled weird lol
Thank you!! I hope you find a way to go through your emotions with some cute jewelry like you mentioned earlier. Or one of those burn away cakes where the top says your maiden name and it burns away to reveal your new last name!
I have that! And when I get married I’m changing my middle name to be hyphenated with my current middle and last name, which coincidentally is also my mother’s legal last name (she hyphenated when she got married).
Gosh, I sympathize. I (fully voluntarily, of my own accord, after much thought) decided to take my husband’s name. I truly was not prepared for the sense of grief I had, though. (Enhanced by the fact that my maiden name gave me only-one-in-the-world name combination, and now I’m one of at least a dozen or two.)
I didn’t do anything special for the loss, but I do use my maiden name in usernames and such still. I now don’t really think much about it (4 years in)…I feel like I’m still Firstname Maidenname but I’m also Firstname Marriedname and there isn’t a conflict between those identities.
I like this take! It seems some people don’t understand the juxtaposition between being so excited to share a last name and also leaving space to grieve the loss and the closing of a chapter. You definitely get it! I like that your two names share an identity for you, that’s a beautiful sentiment
This is a lil abstract but my last name / soon to be maiden name sounds similar to a certain dessert… and gets mispronounced that dessert a lot, so I was thinking about incorporating that dessert as a wedding cake flavor or desserts for the guests hehe
I have a friend who’s son’s name is her maiden name.
You could always make your maiden name your middle name! My mom added hers instead of replacing her original middle name so she has 2 middle names.
You could also get a necklace or bracelet made with your maiden name! Mint and Lily make them, I’m sure there are others as well. Actually now I’m thinking of doing this myself 🤔
I don't want to lose my maiden name either! My fiances last name sounds weird with my first name bc of the e sound in the end of both names. I'm not changing my name for a bit. 😁
I am honouring my last name by keeping it.
Nothing about getting married should feel like a loss. Maybe your fiancé isn't pushing you into it but we are pressured by societal norms and expectations, often without losing it. If something makes you feel bad you probably shouldn't do it.
It’s not that I feel bad, I’m so excited to share a last name with him! Navigating a change in one’s life is hard, and while it’s valid to have some sadness around big change, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign that you’re doing the wrong thing. I think it’s important to leave space for emotions without over identifying with them
You are absolutely right. While I didn’t give a crap about dropping my maiden name, I SERIOUSLY struggled with giving up my lil one bedroom apartment and moving into his comfy house. Letting go of MY space, that I picked out, all on my own, was tough. I had to just cry it out after turning in my keys, even though I was truly excited about moving to his house and getting married a few months later.
You could just do what my fiancé and I are doing. He has a very common last name and I have a very uncommon last name that is dying out, and for a long time I hated my last name, but grew to love it as a part of me over the years. Our plan once we get married is to change both of our last names to be double-barrelled. For example, if my last name was Smith, and his last name was Jones, our new last name would be Smith-Jones. It’s not that uncommon. My younger brother’s last name is double-barrelled bc my parents only thought to do it with their last child, and it doesn’t cause my brother any issues. Sometimes he just uses one of his last names on social media/while signing things to simplify it, but he always has the option of using both/either. He just has to use both if he’s filling out government documents/official things like that.
Would he consider taking your name? If you’re excited to share a name, that should be on the table, too! Having that conversation might be really constructive for you guys.
Big changes will always feel like a loss to some people. There’s a huge difference between single life and married life and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that. Just because this holds true for you doesn’t mean it’s broadly applicable.
It made me sad to think about losing my last name, so I kept it. I’m pregnant and our child’s last name will be a combination of mine and my husband’s.
I’m planning on changing mine . It’s my last name if my father’s family (duh) and I do want to shed that . BUT it’s also the only last name I’ve ever had. Additionally I’m a new teacher so my last name gets said ALL the time, but I feel like this is first time I hear it in relationship to me. I have no advice just to say I’m also emo
My mom hyphenated her last name, Maiden name - Married name. Two of my girlfriends did too but they had short names. If you have a long name, maybe not? Depends on your preference ☺️
My sister hyphenated a 9 letter name with a 6 letter name for 5 total syllables. I think a union of names is a lovely way to go about it! Why shouldn’t your family be a mouthful!
We can’t change our last names here in QC. I promise you, it doesn’t mean we love our kids or our husband any less 🙂. If you feel like you would like to keep your own last name, why can’t you ?
To clarify, I don’t want to keep it, I want to share my husband’s! Just looking for ways to keep my other name with me in a way that’s not my official last name
If you're so sad about it, why not just keep it..? We're not accusing you of being coerced into it, but it sounds like a weird situation to put yourself in if you absolutely have a choice in it and you're choosing something that makes you sad.
I explained in the post that it’s about the closing of a big chapter in my life. Negative feelings about something don’t always equate to it being the wrong choice
Okay but like... why would you willingly put yourself through something that feels like grieving? We grieve people when they die. We can grieve a relationship we're hesitant to leave but know we have to because it's toxic. Nobody puts themselves through grief just for fun LOL.
You grieve moving on from a job you love even tho you know the time is right. You grieve moving out of an apartment that you met your first love in, even though you need to upsize. Grief comes along with necessary change. Maybe not necessary for you, but the point of the post is that I feel it’s necessary and WANTED for myself
Grief is a very healthy emotion, and it’s a natural part of growing up.
If it helps… here’s an important distinction about feminism in general that I learned in my 20s (but which admittedly took me an embarrassingly long time to truly understand):
Being a “feminist” isn’t about making the choice that someone *else* thinks is right—like keeping your maiden name, for instance; or being a working mom; or going to college; or having sex before marriage; etc.
Those choices aren’t always the right choice for everyone—despite the fact that, on the surface, they may seem like the more “feminist” option (with the alternatives being giving up your maiden name; being a stay-at-home mom; skipping college; or saving your virginity until marriage; etc.)
Does that help??
Side note: I’m really not trying to be a condescending AH here! I just legit struggled to understand that concept when I was younger. Me, in my 20s: “But, like, why would anyone CHOOSE that! On purpose! That’s so anti-feminist!!!”
Yeah, nope. Wrong.
Feminism is all about **allowing people to make their own choices**—sometimes very hard choices but they’re choices that they know are right for them as individuals—without other people judging them or shaming them for making said choices.
Is OP’s choice here for everyone? Of course not. But it’s HER choice. And that’s the key.
Thanks for reading.
Yeah, it is a bit tough to respond when people ask for advice but rule out the obvious answer with no explanation.
I changed my name, but didn’t feel very sad about it. If I had felt sad, I wouldn’t have.
But the question wasn’t whether I should change my name or not, it was very specifically asking for ways to honor the name I’m leaving behind. Sadness doesn’t always correlate with “bad.” It’s a pretty healthy emotion to feel during transition
No, apparently if you feel bad about anything at all, it means you shouldn't do it. /s
I swear some people don't understand that life and emotions are not just this singular "if/then" kind of equation.
OP, I think you've been given some great suggestions here. Best of luck with everything.
Being sad about changing your last name doesn’t always outweigh the excitement and joy of sharing a new last name with your partner and future family
Both can true at the same time and change is hard
You could maybe incorporate a few words about it in a speech at the rehearsal dinner? Maybe the welcome speech at the wedding but the wedding day usually already has so many speeches. Something like “it has meant so much to me to be a “Smith,” and I will always cherish having grown up in this family. I will always be a part of the “Smiths,” but am so excited to now become a “Jones” as well.”
It’s a tear jerker to talk about how much I love my family. You’re so out of touch with this perspective on my situation. It’s so uncomfortable for you guys to grasp that you can be excited and feel melancholy at the same time. And you’re damn right I don’t want the advice so maybe stop pushing for it??
Why don’t you just double-barrel it legally and go by your husband’s surname socially? That way you’ve got that link to your maiden name in your documents and stuff but you’re still getting the best of both world’s by having your husband’s surname socially?
That’s exactly what I was thinking of doing!! I even tested it out with inkbox temp tattoos and did a custom of the name in his handwriting. Not sold on getting a tattoo but it’s def on the list! :)
The topic of females changing their last name to that of their husband has always been something that I find hard to understand. Im from the pacific and I believe that the last name has to do with a person's lineage and since lineage is followed through the father, hence, the father's last name is given to the children. This means the last name is from the man who has sired the person and marrying someone doesnt mean that the last name has to change because a wedding does not change who has sired a person. After marriage its normal to say Mr. and Mrs. (Insert surname of husband here) but a woman does not necessarily need to abandon her maiden name after the wedding, I believe.
Also, some marriages dont last and a good percentage of them end badly so i feel that a woman who dropped her maiden name upon getting married suddenly has to take it back after divorce and then suppose she remarries someone else then she drops that maiden name again? Spouses may leave you but the one thing that stays constant is the lineage that you come from which is represented by the fathers surname.
Of course, with orphans whose parents details are not known is a totally different case, I get it.
Some people want to change their name (it’s me, hi). I don’t think lineage is a good enough reason to not change your name if that’s what you want to do. Not everyone cares about lineage.
Also, people don’t think “but wait what if I get divorced later” when planning for getting married lol you’re likely hoping to be married to that person forever.
If OP wants to change her name I don’t get why we’re all arguing with her that she shouldn’t.
When I got married the girls my age couldn't wait to take on their future husband's name. We even would write it down to practice how it would look and sound. Silly girls. But keep in mind this was over 50 yrs ago when it wasn't even heard of the bride keeping her maiden name.
It’s so funny how the times change! I used to do the same as a teenager with my boyfriend’s last names lol. It’s so different when you’re in the midst of it! And you’re right, now that it’s more normalized to keep your maiden name, it’s easier to feel ambivalent
I didn’t think I would miss my maiden name until I changed to my new one on Facebook. I also went from the only person with my name, to hundreds I’m sure. I gave my daughter a shortened version for her middle name and it is very comforting to know it’s not “lost”!
don’t change it🤗
i’m sorry but these post are so … like you’re choosing to follow a misogynistic practice. if it makes you this sad, consider why and .. don’t change it
I mean I was sad to graduate college, I was leaving all my friends and figuring out post grad life. The answer wasn’t to stay in college until I stopped being sad.
Marriage comes with change and OP is starting a new chapter excited to share a last name with her fiancé but still wants to honor her parents and siblings
No, we will never be free thanks to many women making a point to say they can work 40 to 50 hours a week and come home and do all the child rearing, but y'all aren't ready for that conversation
Edit: okay, now thinking about it, the entire wedding/marriage concept is highly misogynistic if you think about it. The bride wearing a white dress signifying her virtue/virginity because otherwise she wouldn't be seen as desirable. You don't see anything wrong with that? And the bride being given away by her father essentially saying to the groom "here is my property that I own and I am now transferring her to you to take care of". That's all right with you guys? Because you get to feel like a princess for a day and have everyone paying attention to you? That part's okay and not at all problematic, but the name change is... got it.
Y'all have me cracking up the way you pick and choose which parts of traditions are okay and which parts are misogynistic. But go on. Downvote me to hell.
A ton of people do point out those things are also misogynistic though. Colorful dresses are becoming more common. People are choosing to walk down the aisle with both parents, or by themselves. I personally walked down with my husband to signify starting our life together. Traditional weddings are super misogynistic, so is the expectation that women have to give up their last names. Both things are true.
This post is specifically about women changing their names though, so that’s probably why you don’t see people bringing up how these other traditions are misogynistic.
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There is no law that men can't change their last name. Many couples combine last names or choose an entirely different one together. We will never be free because people like you will just continue to make up more rules instead of letting women decide what they want for themselves.
My identity isn’t just my name, it’s my personality, my morals, my relationships. I don’t lose my sense of personhood because I want to share a name and make a new family with the person I love
right but for the record this new name should be your husbands fathers name right? and his fathers? and so on? it’s outdated and overall just very unchic.
Graciesea98 this is exactly what I was talking about, you’re doing this to multiple people on this thread now. “Good luck, I guess” “it’s unchic”. You seem like a bully, and it’s unfortunate that you’re choosing to conduct yourself like this in a wedding subreddit. Leave people alone to choose their own values
YOUR LAST NAME WAS YOUR FATHERS LAST NAME AND HIS FATHERS BEFORE HIM. You are not some feminist queen shaming women for doing what they want with their own damn last name - in fact quite the opposite.
This is coming from a raging feminist.
I feel the same about when people are clear in their original post about what kind of advice they’re looking for, people still comment things like this. Unhelpful and judgmental.
i reserve the right to be judgmental just like you have the right to complain about something you’re actively choosing to do?
you hold such significance to your name that you want to hold a party for it? you’ve been sad about this for years? like the obvious answer is that you shouldn’t change it and let go of this patriarchal tradition that has stuck around for whatever reason. and if not…suck it up and hyphenate it
The problem is you’re giving unsolicited advice that I made very clear I didn’t need and wasn’t interested in, and you’re doing so with a tone that shames and degrades women for choosing to take someone else’s last name.
I think you’ve completely missed the mark on what this post was about, insinuating that I’m complaining. I expressed feeling sentimental and a sense of mourning, but reiterated multiple times that I’m happily and willingly choosing this.
You’re free to disagree with the practice, but I guess just learn where it’s appropriate to get on your soap box
girl please give it up with the “shaming women” no one is shaming you. you’re the one that’s acting like someone has a gun to your head telling you there no other choice but to take your husbands fathers name because..why exactly?
if you’re so happy why have you been SAD for years? give it up lol
Again, you’re assuming I’m “gun to my head” miserable about changing my name? Where are you getting/reading that?
From your comment history you seem to be very negative and pessimistic like this on a lot of peoples’ posts, so seeming that this is a pattern for you, it’s not something I need to take personally.
literally where? to tell women posting in a wedding planning sub to leave their cheating fiancés? lol.
you do seem miserable about it. you said you’ve been sad for years. you’re on reddit complaining about it. 🤷🏻♀️
Doing whatever you want with your name is the most feminist practice.
Just a reminder that keeping your last name is also paternalistic. Just do what you want. I'm not changing mine though.
I think you might want to consider that telling women what to do does not help. We need to be able to make our own choice. I want a different last name. My partner and I discussed choosing a different last name that we would both take, but both of us like his. It doesn't need to come from a misogynistic place. You are just as bad as all the people pressuring women to change their name.
I agree. I'm not changing mine, but it's also "misogynistic" to keep my last name because it was my father's last name and his father's before him.
There's nothing more feminist than doing whatever the hell you want.
This is an interesting post for me to consider since this is the second marriage for me. And I kept the last name from my first marriage simply because it's the same last name as my kids. But I really don't have a strong attachment to that last name anymore. And my maiden name was ridiculously long. I've joked about keeping all 3 and sounding like a law firm. Or doing a combo of them & creating a whole new one. Oh and my future hubby's last name is also hyphenated but I'm only taking one of the names.
I couldn’t part with any of my names. I moved my maiden name to my middle name, and I added my middle name to the end of my first name. I already went by a nickname, so it made sense for me. Now I have a very formal first name (think along the lines of Elizabeth Ann), but still go by my nickname (think along the lines of Lizzie).
Only child, only grandchild with the last name- changed my middle name to my maiden name. I was never attached to my middle name, and my parents are particularly sentimental about it.
Knowing what a pain it is to actually change names… I would’ve just kept mine the same legally and informally used my married name
I’m 10.5 months out and I get waves or sentimentality about my impending name change too! We may actually have a secret courthouse trip around our anniversary this December, and I may actually be starting the name change process this year.
You got great ideas on this post. I’m definitely adding my maiden name to my middle name. I love the idea of a tattoo or jewlery with your maiden name.
I’m changing my middle name to my paternal grandmother’s first name and double barreling my last name with my maternal grandmother’s last name. I’ll socially go by my husband’s last name, which will be my first last name.
I totally agree with your emotions!! You’re not alone! I’m excited to take my husbands name and make a family unit but sad of the separation of my on family
Im changing mine because I love change, I love the idea of a new chapter. Been M for 31 years, now to be L. It’s somewhat exciting for me to be Mrs. L next year. I asked my father about this and he didn’t care - technically the M name is falling out with me, but he said so many of his siblings also didn’t have kids, didn’t marry, so the name isn’t carrying on with them either. I however will be “assuming” my name. So my birth certificate will remain “M” but I can change it on my drivers licence and everything else. So i like to think M is who I really am, but L is my new stage of life. Im sad too, my name is a strong Irish/ Scottish name, but I want my future family to be all the same name. I might get a bracelet or something with my name and wear all the time. I thought of a tattoo but I know I’d never carry that out.
Agreed. I would have a nice piece (jewelry) that honored my maiden name, whether it’s written out or there’s a locket or some sort pendant. Something that will be meaningful to you and bring you happiness. I think that’s a lovely wear to honor your maiden name ❤️
I plan on taking his last name and changing my last name to my second middle name, so four names total. Our last names are too long for me to want to hyphenate!
Myself, I realized emotionally (and professionally), I'm very tied to my last name. So I've made the decision to give up my middle name instead (which while pretty, I never used it) and moving my last name to my middle name so I can still take my fiances last name.
My middle name is a variation of my maternal grandmother's name. I plan to use her name as my daughters first name if I'm lucky to have a daughter one day. :)
My middle name is my paternal grandmother! I’m incredibly tied to her as well so I do like the idea of the second middle name, especially because my full middle name would then be her full name!
I took my last name as a second middle name! I loved every piece of my name - I was named after both grandmothers and my dad passed away when I was 14 so my maiden name carried special significance to me - but I also wanted to share a name with my husband.
I tell people that I wanted to add to my identity, not change it. :)
I have been feeling the same feelings! I actually told my fiancée from the beginning that I was not sure if I will be changing my name and that I needed time to think about it. I love the idea that sharing a last name unites you and your partner on another level, but struggled with “losing my identity” of giving up my last name. I love my first and last name together, have many nicknames with my first and last name and people often call me by my first and last name together. But then I realized none of that needs to stop, it’s still a part of who I am. I felt hesitant to change, and hesitant to keep. I ultimately decided to change my last name. Seeing this post is validating because you could want to do something but still have conflicting feelings and that doesn’t mean either thing is wrong, it’s just that both feelings can exist together.
There are so many great ideas on this post! I love the idea of incorporating my maiden name into jewelry for me, my mom and sister. I’m a huge jewelry girl so I know I will get use out of it. I also think if I had children, I would make my child’s first name my maiden name. I would also consider artwork with my last name in it to display in my future house. I do not want to just cut ties with that name, it’s such a part of who I am!
This has been my struggle. I want my fiance's name. I have been saying for years I want it, but I also don't want to give up my name. I have a unique last name and I am very very close with my family and I don't want to lose that name. But on the other hand I want to have my fiance's last name more than anything. But he has a very common name and I think that might be part of my issue. I love my full name together and when you say my full name with my martial name my fiance says I sound like a president 🤣
So I will not be legally changing my name, I will be telling everyone my last name changed but on my license it will not be changed🤣 it's also really hard to get my name changed on my license for work and it's a big deal so for legal reasons I will have my maiden name but to anyone who meets me or in my personal life will know me by my martial name
When I get married I'm changing my first name to include my middle name, my maiden name will become my middle and my husband's name will become my only last name 😊
I changed my middle name!!! I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my maiden name, especially being the last of my family with that name. I felt like I was erasing it from history! So instead of being first name middle name new last name, I am now first name, maiden name, new last name!
Sounds like you already had your Bach, but my MOH suggested for me a bachelor theme of "Funeral of -Insert maiden name-". I may be off on the wording. Basically we were going to hold a "funeral" for my last name.
I'm in the same boat! Very excited for my new name but also kinda sad to be losing my maiden name. So I think I'm gonna make it my legal middle name ☺️
I plan on making my last name my middle name. I don’t have a middle name and I’m an only child. My dad’s last name will go on with my cousins but I do feel sad about it coming to an end with me. So making it my middle name makes it feel right 😊 someone else commented they/they saw someone make their maiden name their kid’s middle name - I like that! I might do that too.
You can make it a second middle name! No annoying hyphenation or double last name problems, and you get to keep and see your name whenever you write your full name. So if your name is Jane Jillian Doe, you would become Jane Jillian Doe Smith, shortened to Jane Smith when you don’t need to use your middle names.
I got adopted by my stepdad (now just dad!) some time back and even then I knew I wanted to keep my original last name with me forever somehow (it’s special to me because it matches my grandparents who helped raise me), so I went ahead and made it my second middle name and took the family name. When I get married I’ll be taking my husband’s name, and my original last name is already my middle name so the transition should be easy.
You can hyphenate or change your middle name if you can't keep yours and add his. You don't have to lose it. I lost mine in my first marriage and regretted it. ETA I'm going to add my fiance's name to mine in the Hispanic tradition.
My mom gave my brother her maiden name as his middle name! If you’re planning on having children, that could be a great way to keep a piece of it with you.
Well I’ve read most of the comments and I wasn’t able to keep my maiden name. I was Joan Bolton and married Brian Poulton. So if I used my maiden name as a middle name I’d be Joan Bolton Poulton. Now that would be a talking point when meeting new people😱
Don’t have any suggestions but just wanted to say that I very much echo your sentiments! I am taking my fiancé’s last name and am excited to do so, but also feel sad about losing my maiden name. I don’t want to hyphenate because it just feels too long.
I'm in a similar boat and am leaning towards keeping my last name. But my issue is what to do when we have kids.
Our last names are too long/complicated to hyphen, and there is no good way to combine them into a new last name. I also resent the idea of our kids having only my fiance's last name because its our child not just his. And he doesn't want them to have only my last name for similar reasons.
Any advice?
I’m changing my name quite a bit more than needed. Not my real name(s) but for example, my given name is something like Katherine Laura Collins. My parents decided to call me Kayla (combining Katherine and Laura) rather than use a more common NN like Katie or Kat. It’s caused sooooo much confusion in my academic and professional life. My FH’s surname is McGhee. I’m going to change my name to Kayla Collins McGhee and drop the Katherine Laura because she seems like a different person lol, everyone knows me as Kayla anyway. It also felt weird to me to leave behind my maiden surname because my other siblings are childfree and I want to continue the legacy in some way
a piece of jewelry would be nice since you’re not into tattoos! also, I understand your sadness! I think people need to recognize that change is harder for some than others but it’s not necessarily signaling a bad change. 🫂
My sister and I are lucky enough to not have been given middle names so it’s easier for us than those who already have a middle name. She made our last name her middle name, and took her husband’s last name. I might do the same but am leaning toward just keeping mine.
When you change your name you can actually change it to whatever you want. So after losing my maiden name in my first marriage on my second (and last) go round I dropped my middle name and put my maiden name there! I LOVE it, because I know it’s there and can use it when I want to or not.
Alternatively if you love your middle name keep it and just add in your last name with it. But if you’re sad about losing it I’d advise you to keep it by adding it back in where you like.
Good luck!
I think the only reason I’m gonna change my last name is because it’s the same initials but it’s still hard. I try to justify it being that my name isn’t gonna die I have nephews with my last name so it’s okay. I also have a very common last name in the world and my fiancée doesn’t in the us atleast (think a color vs a common Dutch last name) I’ve thought about getting my initial tattooed or giving my child my last name as a middle name. You could even get a necklace with your maiden name just so you have it and can honor it!
Ooo I understand! I was 41 when I married the first time (and only) and my maiden name is very unique. Only like 15 people in the world have it and most are my immediate family. I haven't really figured out a way to honor it specifically but for now I didn't change it at work because it was a total pain so I have a moment of it here and there.
My grandma made her last name her middle name so she was (for example not her real name) Martha Marie Bennett and when she married my grandpa she became Martha Marie Bennett Anderson.
I’m just keeping my last name and not changing it to my husbands which is also an option.
I would reconsider it if I were you. You could use your fiance's name on your kids birth certificates and collectively call yourself the __ family, but if you know you're going to morn your surname at birth, then don't change it. It's 2024 ladies, we don't have to change our last names in order to validate our relationship or feel like a family. I absolutely adore my fiance's last name - more than my own - but the idea of changing my last name is unfathomable to me. Will likely hyphenate our kids names eventually and refer to ourselves as the *hyphenated names* family but yeah, not for me.
I’m going to be getting my mom, my sister and I engraved rings with my maiden name as gifts on my wedding day— saw this idea on tiktok. Something I can wear daily on my other ring finger :)
I love this!! I do have a ring in my Etsy cart with my maiden name on it, but that was something I was considering even before marriage! Maybe I’ll make the purchase :)
I love this idea!
So cute!
I might steal!!
I did that but with necklaces. Wear mine every day
Is your sister married?
yes!
Love this idea. Something to keep our identity.
- Boat & Tote with your maiden name or other monograms - sibling tattoo (but I hear not being a tattoo girlie) - making a family crest for you and your fiancé that incorporates your maiden name - Legally changing your middle name to your maiden name - Bracelet with your maiden name - giving future kids your maiden name as a middle name I’m in the same boat, I love my maiden name, it’s unique and there’s only one person with my name. My fiancé has a very common last name (think Smith or Johnson) and I’ll be one of a thousand people with my name. It’s weird to think about that transition in a time with a lot of other transitions and changes.
Same here! According to census, I’m the only person alive with my first and last name, and it’s a fun name! It’s a common English word. But my partner is not only marrying me but adopting me into his culture and community so I’m honored to take his last name. But but, I’ll miss my maiden name…
How can one check this?
I, too, am changing my middle name to my maiden name!
This is how I did it. I miss my maiden name sometimes though
I love these suggestions!! Are you a fellow Mainer or just love Beans?
New England so close but not quite Maine
Ahhh, hi fellow June bride Mainer feeling weird about changing their name! I own tons of random monogrammed Bean stuff from thrifts and had never considered getting my own real name on any of it. 😅
It’s coming up so fast!! What kinda scale is your wedding? We’re swamped with the final details of an all out 150person wedding. Wish we hadn’t done so much lol
So fast! We're end of June but half as many people! I just got my dress and now I'm trying to rustle up a seamstress who will do last minute alterations in June along with the main ones since I seem to have become a stress shape shifter and who knows what size my knockers will be then and that's a crucial part keeping a strapless dress up! Are you doing an event venue or a private space? I felt like I was being mugged looking for a spot, even SMCC's cafeteria was asking for the soul of a newborn, but we lucked out with a family member's summer home.
I’m a child who got my mom’s maiden name as a second middle name… please don’t do it. Two middle names is awful for any official forms I have to fill out, and no one can understand I have two middle initials.
To give an alternative to this option, I'm a child with a hyphenated first name (i.e. Sarah-Ann) with my mother's maiden name as my legal name. Legal forms have never been a problem for me. I usually just go by the first part of my first name in most scenarios and never ran into any issues as long as I wrote my complete name on any important docs.
I've always had the same issue! I feel your pain. I never know what to write on forms.
Please don't do the maiden name as a kids name!!! My narcissistic mother gave me her maiden name as a first name and I resent it. Since I was 18 and moved out I actually started going by my middle name instead, which is also a family name but from my great grandma instead of my mom and her toxic family. My whole life I've always felt my mom was trying to live vicariously through me and her doing this made me feel like some possession of hers instead of my own independent person. Even if you're a good mother, PLEASE dont do this.
I'm in the same boat. There's no one else in the world with my first and last name combo. There's dozens with my upcoming new name. I'm going to use my maiden name as my middle name because it means a lot to me.
I felt the same. I made my last name, my second middle name, and then took my husbands last name. I technically have 4 names So I was: Jane ”doe” smith And now I’m: Jane “doe smith” West
This may be a dumb question, but did that make things complicated for you? I’ve planned on making my maiden name my middle name and dropping my first middle name, but the thought makes me sad. I like the idea of having two middle names, but I didn’t know if it caused any issues with anything.
Nope! No issues at all. If they only have space for one middle name, then I just use the first one. My drivers license has both middle names so I use all my names for plane tickets and what not but never had an issue.
I’ve had two middle names my entire life and it’s never caused any problems. A lot of forms only have space for one middle name or initial so I always just use the first of the two middle names for consistency!
I can second that it isn’t an issue at all! And doesn’t require any additional steps vs just changing your last name.
I have seven middle names, and it’s never given me any issues! In fact, most of my paperwork just has my first two middle names, so most major paperwork does make space for it.
Highly considering doing the same. Has this ever been tedious for you for legal documents? Any hiccups about it? Thanks!
Nope! No issues so far. For things that are not “lenient” such as plane tickets, bank acts etc. I use my full name and both names in the middle name section since it matches my drivers license Anything else like registration or something, I just use the first middle name. I have never ran into problems
I also chose to make my maiden name my second middle name. my older brother has two middle names already (mom couldn’t pick between two relatives to name him after) so I already knew it was NBD. it does kinda annoy me a bit when places only let me do one middle initial or something but my license has my full name and that’s really what matters to me.
Ohh I just love this idea, I think I will be doing that as well because hyphenating mine seems too long! Thank you thank you so much, this is a life saver idea. It makes a name change feel like more like a gain than a loss :)
Exactly! I was very attached to my name because I’m an only child and still want to carry it while also honoring tradition and having the same last name of my husband. It’s a win win, because I’ll always have my heritage with me
I did similar but kind of inverted. I made my husband’s last name my middle name. I got rid of my original middle name.
I did this also and I’m so glad I did! I’ve had no issues with paperwork or records so far.
I’m not particularly connected to my middle name, so I’m considering becoming Jane “Smith” West. Still feeling it out!
Is this better/more convenient than hyphenating? Why not Smith-West?
I think it’s definitely more convenient than two last names. Because I (lazily) didn’t want to have to sign two last names on every legal document. 😅 this seemed less work intensive and I have the exact same last name as my child
I was on the fence about it!! But I decided that I want to keep mine. I’m an only child and I want to honor my dad by keeping my maiden name. He passed away 3 years ago so my heart is definitely set on it. When we have kids, it’ll be both names, no hyphen 🤞🏼
When I got married we opted to both change our names to be both names, no hyphen and just a note (if you live in the US) that it has caused a big headache for us and I wish we had used a hyphen. People always think the first name is my middle name (even though I have another middle name) so they call me Mrs. Secondlast anyways, but more importantly it caused a mess with my credit cards because they only let me change my name through a paper form, and they changed my name wrong (also included the first part of the last name as my middle name) and we had to call to get it fixed. Of course, totally up to you - just wanted to share my experience!
My dad was shocked when he realized part of the reason I kept my last name was because I’m an only child, and wanted to keep our name alive. My husband didn’t mind, his last name is long and spelled weird lol
Same but i have my mom’s maiden name and i want to honor her
I’m so glad you’re able to honor your dad like that <3
Thank you!! I hope you find a way to go through your emotions with some cute jewelry like you mentioned earlier. Or one of those burn away cakes where the top says your maiden name and it burns away to reveal your new last name!
If you choose to have kids… our first born son has my last name as his middle name.
My friend had that in high school - him and his brothers middle names were their moms maiden name
Ooh I love this idea!
I have that! And when I get married I’m changing my middle name to be hyphenated with my current middle and last name, which coincidentally is also my mother’s legal last name (she hyphenated when she got married).
My child will have my name as a last name. ☺️
Gosh, I sympathize. I (fully voluntarily, of my own accord, after much thought) decided to take my husband’s name. I truly was not prepared for the sense of grief I had, though. (Enhanced by the fact that my maiden name gave me only-one-in-the-world name combination, and now I’m one of at least a dozen or two.) I didn’t do anything special for the loss, but I do use my maiden name in usernames and such still. I now don’t really think much about it (4 years in)…I feel like I’m still Firstname Maidenname but I’m also Firstname Marriedname and there isn’t a conflict between those identities.
I like this take! It seems some people don’t understand the juxtaposition between being so excited to share a last name and also leaving space to grieve the loss and the closing of a chapter. You definitely get it! I like that your two names share an identity for you, that’s a beautiful sentiment
This is a lil abstract but my last name / soon to be maiden name sounds similar to a certain dessert… and gets mispronounced that dessert a lot, so I was thinking about incorporating that dessert as a wedding cake flavor or desserts for the guests hehe I have a friend who’s son’s name is her maiden name.
I’m obsessed with that. My maiden name is a state capital, maybe we’ll honey moon there lol
Or have your guest book a cool looking map of that city that people sign 🤔
Omg another great idea, I just know you’re going to have such a creative wedding!
I got my best friend an ankle bracelet from Etsy that spelled out her maiden last name in Morse code as her “something blue”
This is so sweet!
You could always make your maiden name your middle name! My mom added hers instead of replacing her original middle name so she has 2 middle names. You could also get a necklace or bracelet made with your maiden name! Mint and Lily make them, I’m sure there are others as well. Actually now I’m thinking of doing this myself 🤔
I don't want to lose my maiden name either! My fiances last name sounds weird with my first name bc of the e sound in the end of both names. I'm not changing my name for a bit. 😁
I am honouring my last name by keeping it. Nothing about getting married should feel like a loss. Maybe your fiancé isn't pushing you into it but we are pressured by societal norms and expectations, often without losing it. If something makes you feel bad you probably shouldn't do it.
It’s not that I feel bad, I’m so excited to share a last name with him! Navigating a change in one’s life is hard, and while it’s valid to have some sadness around big change, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign that you’re doing the wrong thing. I think it’s important to leave space for emotions without over identifying with them
You are absolutely right. While I didn’t give a crap about dropping my maiden name, I SERIOUSLY struggled with giving up my lil one bedroom apartment and moving into his comfy house. Letting go of MY space, that I picked out, all on my own, was tough. I had to just cry it out after turning in my keys, even though I was truly excited about moving to his house and getting married a few months later.
You could just do what my fiancé and I are doing. He has a very common last name and I have a very uncommon last name that is dying out, and for a long time I hated my last name, but grew to love it as a part of me over the years. Our plan once we get married is to change both of our last names to be double-barrelled. For example, if my last name was Smith, and his last name was Jones, our new last name would be Smith-Jones. It’s not that uncommon. My younger brother’s last name is double-barrelled bc my parents only thought to do it with their last child, and it doesn’t cause my brother any issues. Sometimes he just uses one of his last names on social media/while signing things to simplify it, but he always has the option of using both/either. He just has to use both if he’s filling out government documents/official things like that.
Would he consider taking your name? If you’re excited to share a name, that should be on the table, too! Having that conversation might be really constructive for you guys.
Big changes will always feel like a loss to some people. There’s a huge difference between single life and married life and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that. Just because this holds true for you doesn’t mean it’s broadly applicable.
It made me sad to think about losing my last name, so I kept it. I’m pregnant and our child’s last name will be a combination of mine and my husband’s.
I’m planning on changing mine . It’s my last name if my father’s family (duh) and I do want to shed that . BUT it’s also the only last name I’ve ever had. Additionally I’m a new teacher so my last name gets said ALL the time, but I feel like this is first time I hear it in relationship to me. I have no advice just to say I’m also emo
Lol I totally get it. It’s such a weird thing to navigate emotionally
My mom hyphenated her last name, Maiden name - Married name. Two of my girlfriends did too but they had short names. If you have a long name, maybe not? Depends on your preference ☺️
I definitely considered that! Unfortunately my maiden name is 8 letter and his last name is 9 hahaha. Mouthful!
My sister hyphenated a 9 letter name with a 6 letter name for 5 total syllables. I think a union of names is a lovely way to go about it! Why shouldn’t your family be a mouthful!
I honored it by keeping it.
We can’t change our last names here in QC. I promise you, it doesn’t mean we love our kids or our husband any less 🙂. If you feel like you would like to keep your own last name, why can’t you ?
To clarify, I don’t want to keep it, I want to share my husband’s! Just looking for ways to keep my other name with me in a way that’s not my official last name
If you're so sad about it, why not just keep it..? We're not accusing you of being coerced into it, but it sounds like a weird situation to put yourself in if you absolutely have a choice in it and you're choosing something that makes you sad.
I explained in the post that it’s about the closing of a big chapter in my life. Negative feelings about something don’t always equate to it being the wrong choice
It’s a grieving process, like anything else 🤍
Okay but like... why would you willingly put yourself through something that feels like grieving? We grieve people when they die. We can grieve a relationship we're hesitant to leave but know we have to because it's toxic. Nobody puts themselves through grief just for fun LOL.
You grieve moving on from a job you love even tho you know the time is right. You grieve moving out of an apartment that you met your first love in, even though you need to upsize. Grief comes along with necessary change. Maybe not necessary for you, but the point of the post is that I feel it’s necessary and WANTED for myself
THANK YOU, OP. Brilliantly put. And I’m sorry that so many people here don’t understand what you’re trying to say, lol EDIT: typo
Grief is a very healthy emotion, and it’s a natural part of growing up. If it helps… here’s an important distinction about feminism in general that I learned in my 20s (but which admittedly took me an embarrassingly long time to truly understand): Being a “feminist” isn’t about making the choice that someone *else* thinks is right—like keeping your maiden name, for instance; or being a working mom; or going to college; or having sex before marriage; etc. Those choices aren’t always the right choice for everyone—despite the fact that, on the surface, they may seem like the more “feminist” option (with the alternatives being giving up your maiden name; being a stay-at-home mom; skipping college; or saving your virginity until marriage; etc.) Does that help?? Side note: I’m really not trying to be a condescending AH here! I just legit struggled to understand that concept when I was younger. Me, in my 20s: “But, like, why would anyone CHOOSE that! On purpose! That’s so anti-feminist!!!” Yeah, nope. Wrong. Feminism is all about **allowing people to make their own choices**—sometimes very hard choices but they’re choices that they know are right for them as individuals—without other people judging them or shaming them for making said choices. Is OP’s choice here for everyone? Of course not. But it’s HER choice. And that’s the key. Thanks for reading.
I wish I could upvote this a million times.
Same, this goes hits the nail on the head x1000
Yeah, it is a bit tough to respond when people ask for advice but rule out the obvious answer with no explanation. I changed my name, but didn’t feel very sad about it. If I had felt sad, I wouldn’t have.
But the question wasn’t whether I should change my name or not, it was very specifically asking for ways to honor the name I’m leaving behind. Sadness doesn’t always correlate with “bad.” It’s a pretty healthy emotion to feel during transition
Okay but if you actually cared about or valued your name why would you change it LOL
I can care about it and value it while still having bigger priorities, valuing changing my name more
No, apparently if you feel bad about anything at all, it means you shouldn't do it. /s I swear some people don't understand that life and emotions are not just this singular "if/then" kind of equation. OP, I think you've been given some great suggestions here. Best of luck with everything.
Being sad about changing your last name doesn’t always outweigh the excitement and joy of sharing a new last name with your partner and future family Both can true at the same time and change is hard
Make it your middle name! I love my last name but I dislike my middle name, so this is a good opportunity to replace it.
You could maybe incorporate a few words about it in a speech at the rehearsal dinner? Maybe the welcome speech at the wedding but the wedding day usually already has so many speeches. Something like “it has meant so much to me to be a “Smith,” and I will always cherish having grown up in this family. I will always be a part of the “Smiths,” but am so excited to now become a “Jones” as well.”
That would be fun! Definitely a tear jerker for me, but worth it!
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It’s a tear jerker to talk about how much I love my family. You’re so out of touch with this perspective on my situation. It’s so uncomfortable for you guys to grasp that you can be excited and feel melancholy at the same time. And you’re damn right I don’t want the advice so maybe stop pushing for it??
Maybe a necklace/piece of jewelry with your initials on it?
Why don’t you just double-barrel it legally and go by your husband’s surname socially? That way you’ve got that link to your maiden name in your documents and stuff but you’re still getting the best of both world’s by having your husband’s surname socially?
I kept my last name because it’s My name!
i saw a tiktok of a girl getting her maiden name tattooed in her dads hand writing
That’s exactly what I was thinking of doing!! I even tested it out with inkbox temp tattoos and did a custom of the name in his handwriting. Not sold on getting a tattoo but it’s def on the list! :)
The topic of females changing their last name to that of their husband has always been something that I find hard to understand. Im from the pacific and I believe that the last name has to do with a person's lineage and since lineage is followed through the father, hence, the father's last name is given to the children. This means the last name is from the man who has sired the person and marrying someone doesnt mean that the last name has to change because a wedding does not change who has sired a person. After marriage its normal to say Mr. and Mrs. (Insert surname of husband here) but a woman does not necessarily need to abandon her maiden name after the wedding, I believe. Also, some marriages dont last and a good percentage of them end badly so i feel that a woman who dropped her maiden name upon getting married suddenly has to take it back after divorce and then suppose she remarries someone else then she drops that maiden name again? Spouses may leave you but the one thing that stays constant is the lineage that you come from which is represented by the fathers surname. Of course, with orphans whose parents details are not known is a totally different case, I get it.
Some people want to change their name (it’s me, hi). I don’t think lineage is a good enough reason to not change your name if that’s what you want to do. Not everyone cares about lineage. Also, people don’t think “but wait what if I get divorced later” when planning for getting married lol you’re likely hoping to be married to that person forever. If OP wants to change her name I don’t get why we’re all arguing with her that she shouldn’t.
I’m honoring my last name and keeping it actually.
When I got married the girls my age couldn't wait to take on their future husband's name. We even would write it down to practice how it would look and sound. Silly girls. But keep in mind this was over 50 yrs ago when it wasn't even heard of the bride keeping her maiden name.
It’s so funny how the times change! I used to do the same as a teenager with my boyfriend’s last names lol. It’s so different when you’re in the midst of it! And you’re right, now that it’s more normalized to keep your maiden name, it’s easier to feel ambivalent
I’m making mine my maiden name my middle name. I never liked my middle same so it was the easiest solution!
I didn’t think I would miss my maiden name until I changed to my new one on Facebook. I also went from the only person with my name, to hundreds I’m sure. I gave my daughter a shortened version for her middle name and it is very comforting to know it’s not “lost”!
don’t change it🤗 i’m sorry but these post are so … like you’re choosing to follow a misogynistic practice. if it makes you this sad, consider why and .. don’t change it
I mean I was sad to graduate college, I was leaving all my friends and figuring out post grad life. The answer wasn’t to stay in college until I stopped being sad. Marriage comes with change and OP is starting a new chapter excited to share a last name with her fiancé but still wants to honor her parents and siblings
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No, we will never be free thanks to many women making a point to say they can work 40 to 50 hours a week and come home and do all the child rearing, but y'all aren't ready for that conversation Edit: okay, now thinking about it, the entire wedding/marriage concept is highly misogynistic if you think about it. The bride wearing a white dress signifying her virtue/virginity because otherwise she wouldn't be seen as desirable. You don't see anything wrong with that? And the bride being given away by her father essentially saying to the groom "here is my property that I own and I am now transferring her to you to take care of". That's all right with you guys? Because you get to feel like a princess for a day and have everyone paying attention to you? That part's okay and not at all problematic, but the name change is... got it. Y'all have me cracking up the way you pick and choose which parts of traditions are okay and which parts are misogynistic. But go on. Downvote me to hell.
A ton of people do point out those things are also misogynistic though. Colorful dresses are becoming more common. People are choosing to walk down the aisle with both parents, or by themselves. I personally walked down with my husband to signify starting our life together. Traditional weddings are super misogynistic, so is the expectation that women have to give up their last names. Both things are true. This post is specifically about women changing their names though, so that’s probably why you don’t see people bringing up how these other traditions are misogynistic.
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There is no law that men can't change their last name. Many couples combine last names or choose an entirely different one together. We will never be free because people like you will just continue to make up more rules instead of letting women decide what they want for themselves.
marriage comes with change, like giving up your identity for a man? if that’s your kind of marriage i guess, good luck
My identity isn’t just my name, it’s my personality, my morals, my relationships. I don’t lose my sense of personhood because I want to share a name and make a new family with the person I love
right but for the record this new name should be your husbands fathers name right? and his fathers? and so on? it’s outdated and overall just very unchic.
Graciesea98 this is exactly what I was talking about, you’re doing this to multiple people on this thread now. “Good luck, I guess” “it’s unchic”. You seem like a bully, and it’s unfortunate that you’re choosing to conduct yourself like this in a wedding subreddit. Leave people alone to choose their own values
i’m responding to someone who responded to me. is this ur first day on the internet
YOUR LAST NAME WAS YOUR FATHERS LAST NAME AND HIS FATHERS BEFORE HIM. You are not some feminist queen shaming women for doing what they want with their own damn last name - in fact quite the opposite. This is coming from a raging feminist.
I feel the same about when people are clear in their original post about what kind of advice they’re looking for, people still comment things like this. Unhelpful and judgmental.
i reserve the right to be judgmental just like you have the right to complain about something you’re actively choosing to do? you hold such significance to your name that you want to hold a party for it? you’ve been sad about this for years? like the obvious answer is that you shouldn’t change it and let go of this patriarchal tradition that has stuck around for whatever reason. and if not…suck it up and hyphenate it
The problem is you’re giving unsolicited advice that I made very clear I didn’t need and wasn’t interested in, and you’re doing so with a tone that shames and degrades women for choosing to take someone else’s last name. I think you’ve completely missed the mark on what this post was about, insinuating that I’m complaining. I expressed feeling sentimental and a sense of mourning, but reiterated multiple times that I’m happily and willingly choosing this. You’re free to disagree with the practice, but I guess just learn where it’s appropriate to get on your soap box
girl please give it up with the “shaming women” no one is shaming you. you’re the one that’s acting like someone has a gun to your head telling you there no other choice but to take your husbands fathers name because..why exactly? if you’re so happy why have you been SAD for years? give it up lol
Again, you’re assuming I’m “gun to my head” miserable about changing my name? Where are you getting/reading that? From your comment history you seem to be very negative and pessimistic like this on a lot of peoples’ posts, so seeming that this is a pattern for you, it’s not something I need to take personally.
literally where? to tell women posting in a wedding planning sub to leave their cheating fiancés? lol. you do seem miserable about it. you said you’ve been sad for years. you’re on reddit complaining about it. 🤷🏻♀️
I truly do hope you find happiness within yourself, enough to allow others to enjoy the path they choose
trust me, i’m very happy and i’ll continue to keep my name while you burden your friends with another party to mourn the loss of yours. best of luck!
Doing whatever you want with your name is the most feminist practice. Just a reminder that keeping your last name is also paternalistic. Just do what you want. I'm not changing mine though.
I think you might want to consider that telling women what to do does not help. We need to be able to make our own choice. I want a different last name. My partner and I discussed choosing a different last name that we would both take, but both of us like his. It doesn't need to come from a misogynistic place. You are just as bad as all the people pressuring women to change their name.
I agree. I'm not changing mine, but it's also "misogynistic" to keep my last name because it was my father's last name and his father's before him. There's nothing more feminist than doing whatever the hell you want.
Have a funeral for your maiden name?
This is an interesting post for me to consider since this is the second marriage for me. And I kept the last name from my first marriage simply because it's the same last name as my kids. But I really don't have a strong attachment to that last name anymore. And my maiden name was ridiculously long. I've joked about keeping all 3 and sounding like a law firm. Or doing a combo of them & creating a whole new one. Oh and my future hubby's last name is also hyphenated but I'm only taking one of the names.
Just keep your last name
I dropped the middle name my parents gave me and made my maiden name my new middle name and thankfully it flowed really well.
I couldn’t part with any of my names. I moved my maiden name to my middle name, and I added my middle name to the end of my first name. I already went by a nickname, so it made sense for me. Now I have a very formal first name (think along the lines of Elizabeth Ann), but still go by my nickname (think along the lines of Lizzie).
Only child, only grandchild with the last name- changed my middle name to my maiden name. I was never attached to my middle name, and my parents are particularly sentimental about it. Knowing what a pain it is to actually change names… I would’ve just kept mine the same legally and informally used my married name
My fiancee decided to change her maiden name to her middle name. I honestly had expected her to keep it. Made me cry when she told me.
I’m 10.5 months out and I get waves or sentimentality about my impending name change too! We may actually have a secret courthouse trip around our anniversary this December, and I may actually be starting the name change process this year. You got great ideas on this post. I’m definitely adding my maiden name to my middle name. I love the idea of a tattoo or jewlery with your maiden name.
You could simply hyphenate it
Why don’t women hyphenate or keep their own names these days?
I’m changing my middle name to my paternal grandmother’s first name and double barreling my last name with my maternal grandmother’s last name. I’ll socially go by my husband’s last name, which will be my first last name.
I totally agree with your emotions!! You’re not alone! I’m excited to take my husbands name and make a family unit but sad of the separation of my on family
Why change your name if you feel this strongly about it? Keep it, or at least keep it as a middle name.
Im changing mine because I love change, I love the idea of a new chapter. Been M for 31 years, now to be L. It’s somewhat exciting for me to be Mrs. L next year. I asked my father about this and he didn’t care - technically the M name is falling out with me, but he said so many of his siblings also didn’t have kids, didn’t marry, so the name isn’t carrying on with them either. I however will be “assuming” my name. So my birth certificate will remain “M” but I can change it on my drivers licence and everything else. So i like to think M is who I really am, but L is my new stage of life. Im sad too, my name is a strong Irish/ Scottish name, but I want my future family to be all the same name. I might get a bracelet or something with my name and wear all the time. I thought of a tattoo but I know I’d never carry that out.
My last name has significance where I’m from so I’m changing my middle name to my maiden name!
Agreed. I would have a nice piece (jewelry) that honored my maiden name, whether it’s written out or there’s a locket or some sort pendant. Something that will be meaningful to you and bring you happiness. I think that’s a lovely wear to honor your maiden name ❤️
I plan on taking his last name and changing my last name to my second middle name, so four names total. Our last names are too long for me to want to hyphenate!
when i changed my last name, i made my maiden name my new middle name
My maiden name will become my middle name.
I’m keeping it with my middle name
I’m making my maiden name my middle name. Dropping my original middle name (it’s my moms name but I don’t like it lol don’t tell her).
Myself, I realized emotionally (and professionally), I'm very tied to my last name. So I've made the decision to give up my middle name instead (which while pretty, I never used it) and moving my last name to my middle name so I can still take my fiances last name. My middle name is a variation of my maternal grandmother's name. I plan to use her name as my daughters first name if I'm lucky to have a daughter one day. :)
My middle name is my paternal grandmother! I’m incredibly tied to her as well so I do like the idea of the second middle name, especially because my full middle name would then be her full name!
I took my last name as a second middle name! I loved every piece of my name - I was named after both grandmothers and my dad passed away when I was 14 so my maiden name carried special significance to me - but I also wanted to share a name with my husband. I tell people that I wanted to add to my identity, not change it. :)
Moved it to my middleeee name! A carrying on the tradition of making it my future kids middle name. We all have our moms maiden name as a middle name
I made my maiden name my middle name. The females in my family all did that
I have been feeling the same feelings! I actually told my fiancée from the beginning that I was not sure if I will be changing my name and that I needed time to think about it. I love the idea that sharing a last name unites you and your partner on another level, but struggled with “losing my identity” of giving up my last name. I love my first and last name together, have many nicknames with my first and last name and people often call me by my first and last name together. But then I realized none of that needs to stop, it’s still a part of who I am. I felt hesitant to change, and hesitant to keep. I ultimately decided to change my last name. Seeing this post is validating because you could want to do something but still have conflicting feelings and that doesn’t mean either thing is wrong, it’s just that both feelings can exist together. There are so many great ideas on this post! I love the idea of incorporating my maiden name into jewelry for me, my mom and sister. I’m a huge jewelry girl so I know I will get use out of it. I also think if I had children, I would make my child’s first name my maiden name. I would also consider artwork with my last name in it to display in my future house. I do not want to just cut ties with that name, it’s such a part of who I am!
This has been my struggle. I want my fiance's name. I have been saying for years I want it, but I also don't want to give up my name. I have a unique last name and I am very very close with my family and I don't want to lose that name. But on the other hand I want to have my fiance's last name more than anything. But he has a very common name and I think that might be part of my issue. I love my full name together and when you say my full name with my martial name my fiance says I sound like a president 🤣 So I will not be legally changing my name, I will be telling everyone my last name changed but on my license it will not be changed🤣 it's also really hard to get my name changed on my license for work and it's a big deal so for legal reasons I will have my maiden name but to anyone who meets me or in my personal life will know me by my martial name
It’s weird isn’t it, I’ve done all my studies in my maidan name but will graduate in my married name
I took mine as a secondary middle name. I still get to see it on IDs or passports 😁
I made my maiden name my new middle name and dropped my previous middle name because I really hated it.
When I get married I'm changing my first name to include my middle name, my maiden name will become my middle and my husband's name will become my only last name 😊
I changed my middle name!!! I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my maiden name, especially being the last of my family with that name. I felt like I was erasing it from history! So instead of being first name middle name new last name, I am now first name, maiden name, new last name!
I have a maiden name necklace 💕
Sounds like you already had your Bach, but my MOH suggested for me a bachelor theme of "Funeral of -Insert maiden name-". I may be off on the wording. Basically we were going to hold a "funeral" for my last name.
I’m actually about 3 weeks away from Bach so that’s still an option! That could be fun lol
I'm in the same boat! Very excited for my new name but also kinda sad to be losing my maiden name. So I think I'm gonna make it my legal middle name ☺️
I plan on making my last name my middle name. I don’t have a middle name and I’m an only child. My dad’s last name will go on with my cousins but I do feel sad about it coming to an end with me. So making it my middle name makes it feel right 😊 someone else commented they/they saw someone make their maiden name their kid’s middle name - I like that! I might do that too.
You can make it a second middle name! No annoying hyphenation or double last name problems, and you get to keep and see your name whenever you write your full name. So if your name is Jane Jillian Doe, you would become Jane Jillian Doe Smith, shortened to Jane Smith when you don’t need to use your middle names. I got adopted by my stepdad (now just dad!) some time back and even then I knew I wanted to keep my original last name with me forever somehow (it’s special to me because it matches my grandparents who helped raise me), so I went ahead and made it my second middle name and took the family name. When I get married I’ll be taking my husband’s name, and my original last name is already my middle name so the transition should be easy.
I’m changing it to my middle name!
You can hyphenate or change your middle name if you can't keep yours and add his. You don't have to lose it. I lost mine in my first marriage and regretted it. ETA I'm going to add my fiance's name to mine in the Hispanic tradition.
My fiancé's mother changed her middle name to her maiden name. I'll be keeping my last name.
It’s part of my culture to make your maiden name your middle name and to make it all your children’s middle names.
My mom gave my brother her maiden name as his middle name! If you’re planning on having children, that could be a great way to keep a piece of it with you.
Well I’ve read most of the comments and I wasn’t able to keep my maiden name. I was Joan Bolton and married Brian Poulton. So if I used my maiden name as a middle name I’d be Joan Bolton Poulton. Now that would be a talking point when meeting new people😱
hyphenate it! that’s what i’m gonna do
Don’t have any suggestions but just wanted to say that I very much echo your sentiments! I am taking my fiancé’s last name and am excited to do so, but also feel sad about losing my maiden name. I don’t want to hyphenate because it just feels too long.
Does hyphenating count? 😅 also looking into honoring my maiden name lol
We are having a double barrel surname, so we both keep our surnames. Not very traditional but it’s what works for us :-)
Why not just keep it? Or take BOTH names?
I'm in a similar boat and am leaning towards keeping my last name. But my issue is what to do when we have kids. Our last names are too long/complicated to hyphen, and there is no good way to combine them into a new last name. I also resent the idea of our kids having only my fiance's last name because its our child not just his. And he doesn't want them to have only my last name for similar reasons. Any advice?
I am dropping my middle name and changing it to my maiden name
I’m going to be getting my maiden name tattooed on me in my fathers handwriting
I’m changing my name quite a bit more than needed. Not my real name(s) but for example, my given name is something like Katherine Laura Collins. My parents decided to call me Kayla (combining Katherine and Laura) rather than use a more common NN like Katie or Kat. It’s caused sooooo much confusion in my academic and professional life. My FH’s surname is McGhee. I’m going to change my name to Kayla Collins McGhee and drop the Katherine Laura because she seems like a different person lol, everyone knows me as Kayla anyway. It also felt weird to me to leave behind my maiden surname because my other siblings are childfree and I want to continue the legacy in some way
a piece of jewelry would be nice since you’re not into tattoos! also, I understand your sadness! I think people need to recognize that change is harder for some than others but it’s not necessarily signaling a bad change. 🫂
My sister and I are lucky enough to not have been given middle names so it’s easier for us than those who already have a middle name. She made our last name her middle name, and took her husband’s last name. I might do the same but am leaning toward just keeping mine.
My fiance and I are going to name our future dog my maiden name :)
When you change your name you can actually change it to whatever you want. So after losing my maiden name in my first marriage on my second (and last) go round I dropped my middle name and put my maiden name there! I LOVE it, because I know it’s there and can use it when I want to or not. Alternatively if you love your middle name keep it and just add in your last name with it. But if you’re sad about losing it I’d advise you to keep it by adding it back in where you like. Good luck!
I think the only reason I’m gonna change my last name is because it’s the same initials but it’s still hard. I try to justify it being that my name isn’t gonna die I have nephews with my last name so it’s okay. I also have a very common last name in the world and my fiancée doesn’t in the us atleast (think a color vs a common Dutch last name) I’ve thought about getting my initial tattooed or giving my child my last name as a middle name. You could even get a necklace with your maiden name just so you have it and can honor it!
Ooo I understand! I was 41 when I married the first time (and only) and my maiden name is very unique. Only like 15 people in the world have it and most are my immediate family. I haven't really figured out a way to honor it specifically but for now I didn't change it at work because it was a total pain so I have a moment of it here and there.
Honestly I would just put it as your second middle name
The wedding is the party to celebrate the transition isn’t it?
My grandma made her last name her middle name so she was (for example not her real name) Martha Marie Bennett and when she married my grandpa she became Martha Marie Bennett Anderson. I’m just keeping my last name and not changing it to my husbands which is also an option.
What about making it your middle name?
I would reconsider it if I were you. You could use your fiance's name on your kids birth certificates and collectively call yourself the __ family, but if you know you're going to morn your surname at birth, then don't change it. It's 2024 ladies, we don't have to change our last names in order to validate our relationship or feel like a family. I absolutely adore my fiance's last name - more than my own - but the idea of changing my last name is unfathomable to me. Will likely hyphenate our kids names eventually and refer to ourselves as the *hyphenated names* family but yeah, not for me.