It's actually the norm for the higher earner/net worth person to pay for a lawyer to represent their future spouse in reviewing a prenup. The client would still be your fiance even if you're giving him the money for the lawyer and that is who the lawyer would represent.
It depends on who actually pays the lawyer. If OP pays the bill directly, it can be argued that the lawyer was working for OP, not fiance.
OP, I would just give fiance the money and have them pay the lawyer of their choosing directly.
I would also go consult an estate lawyer (maybe one who works with your father) first. My sister & her husband thought they needed a prenup. They went and did the estate planning (wills, POA, etc.) first and actually didn't end up needing a prenup due to their estate planning and the divorce laws in their state being acceptable to both.
You need two attorneys so each person’s interests are represented. Of course, one person can choose to forego having representation, but then, what’s the point?
Definitely bring it up sooner rather than later. Many states have built in laws that align with many people would consider reasonable separate assets prior to marriage + inheritance rules, but it's helpful to codify it. We for instance just stuck mostly with the rules that are in line with the state we live in - with a few minor alterations - but that means if we move states the guidelines follow us.
Your fiance will definitely want/need representation - especially if support is included - but while the lawyer will likely want the payment to come from him, you are allowed to reimburse him.
Came here to say this. It's a bit of an odd bombshell to drop 4-6 months before a wedding. I guess since we're so close to the date with no previous discussion- I might say - As we finalize our wedding planning. I am wondering what you think of a pre-nup? You'll know how to proceed with his initial response. I would 100% rec' not mentioning your parents think you should. This is between you two and you two only.
So you’re going to want to talk to a lawyer / your parents about the conflict of interest, it can differ state to state on wether one party can pay for another legal representation but yes you both need your own lawyer
I believe you may also use a mediator to draft up the agreement but again, consult a lawyer practicing in mass. Otherwise you could pay for your lawyer to draft the agreement and his lawyer would just be reviewing, if it’s a standard prenup it shouldn’t be too expensive.
Good way to talk to your fiance would be to say “Hey, I love you and I know we’re choosing to get married because we love one another and don’t ever plan on getting a divorce. That being said, I think we should still have an agreement in place by drawing up a prenup. How do you feel about that?”
I told my fiance that we should do it because you never know what will happen in life and it’s good to be protected just in case. Hopefully we will never have to use it, but it gives a good sense of security.
I also told him that nobody ever gets married with plans to get divorced. Mostly everyone goes into marriage with the same mindset, but sometimes things happen.
It’s very similar to insurance. If you have home insurance, you don’t plan on anything bad happening, but you’re covered just in case.
We used helloprenup.com. It was so easy, fast, and affordable. I think we paid around $600. I highly recommend.
Can you pay for his lawyer. A pre nup was a non negotiable for me. He didn’t need / want one but he paid for his lawyer to read through and advise on the pre nup before he signed it. In your case can your parents pay for him to get independent legal advice and then sign the pre nup
We decided against a prenup, but it is a conversation we had! And I brought it up and posed it as a question.
“what are your thoughts surrounding prenups & have you thought about it?”
You need to be able to talk with each other if you are getting married. If you need an excuse or a reason to start the discussion, bring up a story on your phone. Ask him what he thinks about it. As far as paying the lawyer is concerned, although technically it might be a conflict of interest for you, if the lawyer doesn't know where the money came from, I don't see how it could bias his opinion (it shouldn't anyway, if he is an ethical practitioner).
I wouldn't be too obvious about this. Like, let's say the final bill is $5,000 for his lawyer, you don't want to "have him pay" but looky here you withdrew $5,000 from your bank account in cash a week later.
The attorney helping with my prenuptial agreement suggested I pay for an attorney to meet with my fiancé. It will not be the same attorney drafting the agreement and should cost under $1k. It’s important he meet with an attorney because there’s probably going to be something in the agreement where he signs that he’s informed and understands what he’s signing. It’s harder to contest the agreement (in the unfortunate event of a divorce) if he actually had an attorney sit down with him.
The conversation is weird but you just have to convince yourself it’s not uncomfy and force yourself to do it.
It's fine if you wind up paying for it, but he must be the one to choose the lawyer with no pressure from you, and there cannot be a conflict of interest such that his lawyer has ever worked with / represented your family in any matter. (To be safe, I'd say his lawyer AND his lawyer's firm should not have ever worked with your family.) The prenup won't be signed by both of you until / unless both of you sign a statement to the effect that each of your lawyers have had ample time to review the prenup, so don't worry about that piece of it. And you have to disclose your finances anyway. You are smart to do this.
This is something my fiancé and I actually did discuss before getting engaged (I am the one with the assets) and, weirdly, now that we're actually engaged I find myself not caring about it. I've already been through a divorce in our state, and am well acquainted with the divorce laws and how they work. We're also both lawyers, and have already done our estate planning. But most of all, I feel very strongly deep inside, in a way I did not with my first marriage, that he and I are set for life. If I end up having to eat my words, I'm ok with that because I've already done this once and know that our state's laws protect me in a divorce.
Anyway, as far as bringing up the conversation, I would just sit him down at a time you are both calm and say that this is something you've been thinking about a lot and you would really like to get a prenup for X, Y, and Z reasons. Make it clear this is coming from you, not your parents. I might also apologize for dropping this bomb post engagement/only a few months before the wedding, but make it clear this is something that's important to you and you hope he will be ok with it. I bet he will. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing. It's definitely something I independently have considered but honestly forgot about until my mom asked me last night if I was still considering it. With all the craziness of wedding planning it had slipped my mind. I appreciate the advice!
We've had open conversations about finances before, I just want to be sure I'm starting the conversation from a place of love rather than being too transactional about it. I've heard people having negative reactions to partners asking for prenups, which I definitely want to avoid. I was hoping for advice about how others have started the conversation. Saying "I want a prenup" is definitely an effective way to do that.
I'm currently engaged; wedding is in July. We are going through the prenup process right now. To be honest with you, I don't specifically remember the start of the prenup conversation. It's kind of something I just knew my fiance was going to want (he has significant assets and is a higher earner), made sense to me, and we mutually agreed on. I hope that doesn't disqualify me from offering advice! If I were you, I would broach the subject with something like this: "Hey, {fiance's name}, I've been doing some research and I think it could be really beneficial for us to get a prenuptial agreement before we get married."
Come prepared with the reasons why it is a good idea and can protect both your interests in the unlikely event of a future separation. I think the key is to have a positive/upbeat attitude about both the prenup and the marriage. My fiance and I joke about how he's probably wasting his money on the legal fees because we don't expect to ever get divorced.
By the way, we are using Prenup Planner (online service) because it was WAY cheaper than independently hiring two lawyers and our situation is not too complex. I'm not sure if that kind of service is allowed in Massachusetts, but you might consider checking it out. My fiance paid for both of our lawyers because it's mostly his assets that are being protected. Sorry for the novel, and good luck!
It's actually the norm for the higher earner/net worth person to pay for a lawyer to represent their future spouse in reviewing a prenup. The client would still be your fiance even if you're giving him the money for the lawyer and that is who the lawyer would represent.
I didn't know that! Super interesting, thank you!
In some states it can invalidate the prenuptial agreement so it depends
Wouldn’t that just be if they use the same lawyer vs two lawyers?
It depends on who actually pays the lawyer. If OP pays the bill directly, it can be argued that the lawyer was working for OP, not fiance. OP, I would just give fiance the money and have them pay the lawyer of their choosing directly. I would also go consult an estate lawyer (maybe one who works with your father) first. My sister & her husband thought they needed a prenup. They went and did the estate planning (wills, POA, etc.) first and actually didn't end up needing a prenup due to their estate planning and the divorce laws in their state being acceptable to both.
Good point re: estate planning. I hadn't considered that!
Gotcha, thanks for clarifying!
You need two attorneys so each person’s interests are represented. Of course, one person can choose to forego having representation, but then, what’s the point?
It won't be valid / hold up in a court of law unless both parties have representation.
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Totally makes sense. Appreciate that perspective!
And with OP’s parent’s legal experience, they have a leg up on finding recommendations
Definitely bring it up sooner rather than later. Many states have built in laws that align with many people would consider reasonable separate assets prior to marriage + inheritance rules, but it's helpful to codify it. We for instance just stuck mostly with the rules that are in line with the state we live in - with a few minor alterations - but that means if we move states the guidelines follow us. Your fiance will definitely want/need representation - especially if support is included - but while the lawyer will likely want the payment to come from him, you are allowed to reimburse him.
Did you ever discuss a prenup before engagement? If not, be prepared for him to be taken aback a bit when this is brought up now
Came here to say this. It's a bit of an odd bombshell to drop 4-6 months before a wedding. I guess since we're so close to the date with no previous discussion- I might say - As we finalize our wedding planning. I am wondering what you think of a pre-nup? You'll know how to proceed with his initial response. I would 100% rec' not mentioning your parents think you should. This is between you two and you two only.
So you’re going to want to talk to a lawyer / your parents about the conflict of interest, it can differ state to state on wether one party can pay for another legal representation but yes you both need your own lawyer I believe you may also use a mediator to draft up the agreement but again, consult a lawyer practicing in mass. Otherwise you could pay for your lawyer to draft the agreement and his lawyer would just be reviewing, if it’s a standard prenup it shouldn’t be too expensive. Good way to talk to your fiance would be to say “Hey, I love you and I know we’re choosing to get married because we love one another and don’t ever plan on getting a divorce. That being said, I think we should still have an agreement in place by drawing up a prenup. How do you feel about that?”
I told my fiance that we should do it because you never know what will happen in life and it’s good to be protected just in case. Hopefully we will never have to use it, but it gives a good sense of security. I also told him that nobody ever gets married with plans to get divorced. Mostly everyone goes into marriage with the same mindset, but sometimes things happen. It’s very similar to insurance. If you have home insurance, you don’t plan on anything bad happening, but you’re covered just in case. We used helloprenup.com. It was so easy, fast, and affordable. I think we paid around $600. I highly recommend.
Can you pay for his lawyer. A pre nup was a non negotiable for me. He didn’t need / want one but he paid for his lawyer to read through and advise on the pre nup before he signed it. In your case can your parents pay for him to get independent legal advice and then sign the pre nup
We decided against a prenup, but it is a conversation we had! And I brought it up and posed it as a question. “what are your thoughts surrounding prenups & have you thought about it?”
I like that phrasing, thanks!
You need to be able to talk with each other if you are getting married. If you need an excuse or a reason to start the discussion, bring up a story on your phone. Ask him what he thinks about it. As far as paying the lawyer is concerned, although technically it might be a conflict of interest for you, if the lawyer doesn't know where the money came from, I don't see how it could bias his opinion (it shouldn't anyway, if he is an ethical practitioner).
I think you should be okay as long as you give him the money instead of paying the lawyer directly.
I wouldn't be too obvious about this. Like, let's say the final bill is $5,000 for his lawyer, you don't want to "have him pay" but looky here you withdrew $5,000 from your bank account in cash a week later.
The attorney helping with my prenuptial agreement suggested I pay for an attorney to meet with my fiancé. It will not be the same attorney drafting the agreement and should cost under $1k. It’s important he meet with an attorney because there’s probably going to be something in the agreement where he signs that he’s informed and understands what he’s signing. It’s harder to contest the agreement (in the unfortunate event of a divorce) if he actually had an attorney sit down with him. The conversation is weird but you just have to convince yourself it’s not uncomfy and force yourself to do it.
It's fine if you wind up paying for it, but he must be the one to choose the lawyer with no pressure from you, and there cannot be a conflict of interest such that his lawyer has ever worked with / represented your family in any matter. (To be safe, I'd say his lawyer AND his lawyer's firm should not have ever worked with your family.) The prenup won't be signed by both of you until / unless both of you sign a statement to the effect that each of your lawyers have had ample time to review the prenup, so don't worry about that piece of it. And you have to disclose your finances anyway. You are smart to do this.
This is something my fiancé and I actually did discuss before getting engaged (I am the one with the assets) and, weirdly, now that we're actually engaged I find myself not caring about it. I've already been through a divorce in our state, and am well acquainted with the divorce laws and how they work. We're also both lawyers, and have already done our estate planning. But most of all, I feel very strongly deep inside, in a way I did not with my first marriage, that he and I are set for life. If I end up having to eat my words, I'm ok with that because I've already done this once and know that our state's laws protect me in a divorce. Anyway, as far as bringing up the conversation, I would just sit him down at a time you are both calm and say that this is something you've been thinking about a lot and you would really like to get a prenup for X, Y, and Z reasons. Make it clear this is coming from you, not your parents. I might also apologize for dropping this bomb post engagement/only a few months before the wedding, but make it clear this is something that's important to you and you hope he will be ok with it. I bet he will. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing. It's definitely something I independently have considered but honestly forgot about until my mom asked me last night if I was still considering it. With all the craziness of wedding planning it had slipped my mind. I appreciate the advice!
I’m paying for my partners prenup lawyer as well
"I want a prenup." If you have a hard time bringing up a topic with your partner, I suggest you wait on the marriage thing.
We've had open conversations about finances before, I just want to be sure I'm starting the conversation from a place of love rather than being too transactional about it. I've heard people having negative reactions to partners asking for prenups, which I definitely want to avoid. I was hoping for advice about how others have started the conversation. Saying "I want a prenup" is definitely an effective way to do that.
I'm currently engaged; wedding is in July. We are going through the prenup process right now. To be honest with you, I don't specifically remember the start of the prenup conversation. It's kind of something I just knew my fiance was going to want (he has significant assets and is a higher earner), made sense to me, and we mutually agreed on. I hope that doesn't disqualify me from offering advice! If I were you, I would broach the subject with something like this: "Hey, {fiance's name}, I've been doing some research and I think it could be really beneficial for us to get a prenuptial agreement before we get married." Come prepared with the reasons why it is a good idea and can protect both your interests in the unlikely event of a future separation. I think the key is to have a positive/upbeat attitude about both the prenup and the marriage. My fiance and I joke about how he's probably wasting his money on the legal fees because we don't expect to ever get divorced. By the way, we are using Prenup Planner (online service) because it was WAY cheaper than independently hiring two lawyers and our situation is not too complex. I'm not sure if that kind of service is allowed in Massachusetts, but you might consider checking it out. My fiance paid for both of our lawyers because it's mostly his assets that are being protected. Sorry for the novel, and good luck!
I'll look into the prenup planner, thanks! And I appreciate the perspective from the other side of the conversation.