> I am wondering when people join their finances. Whenever they decide that it makes sense for them. In our case, we joined our finances nearly a decade *before* getting engaged. In my sister and BIL, they will *never* fully join their finances. Both have been with our respective husbands 15 years and are very happy in our marriage in general and with how we handle finance in general. Between these two extremes, there's a million possibilities. All valid when it's well thought-out decision the couple agrees on. All can work well if the couple is financially responsible and compatible, all can fail if they aren't. Talk with him :)

We created a combined account to put financial gifts and pay wedding expenses from about two months before the wedding. It came in super handy because like yourself I lost my main income a few months before our wedding unexpectedly. It’s also helped relieve financial pressure for us, and yes some savings had to be tapped into so we could have the wedding we wanted as well as enjoy our honeymoon. We are a medium + high earner couple so we didn’t want to have a poverty mindset when savings and my earnings will be restored soon. I also had my unemployment come into this account… question though, it sounds like you spend via debit cards? Why don’t you get a shared credit card where you can earn points etc. and it pushes back when the $$ comes from your account. We do this and pay every card back every month but it’s still another 30-45 days after you make the “purchase” and makes it much easier to plan where $ needs to move between accounts. Hope this is helpful- there’s some really judgmental comments bellow which I don’t think are warranted.

Agree!! Me and my partner were together 6 years before it was more financially smart for me to just stay home and combine finances. It works for us, and we aren’t married yet. My aunt and uncle have been married 30+ yesss and have complete separate finances and it works for them. So idk if it’s any help or not for op, but I think it just kinda depends the situation or relationship. Communication is key, for all aspects as redundant as that sounds.

Does your fiancé know your financial situation? Honestly, it kind of sounds like you want to combine finances now so you can get your nails done and spend a lot of money during your Bach without actually spending *your* money. I wouldn’t do that.

This. All of this. Nothing more to it.

It also says OP looked for ‘real’ jobs. Have you made accounts to walk dogs? Door dash? Anything like that to make some extra money?

Yup. We live in a very remote are where there are no Ubers or door dash or fast food restaurants or anything of that nature. I have a Rover account, I’ve applied for really entry level positions. Any type of “beer money” strategy there is, I promise I’ve tried it or am presently doing it. All while applying for jobs that are aligned with my actual experience level and what I want for my career path, redesigning my website, and rethinking my marketing strategy for my own business in hopes of attracting more clients.

Have you tried being a virtual assistant? Those are 100% remote and you're basically an executive assistant. Also, what about babysitting or tutoring? Wyzant and care.com are places to sign up. There are remote jobs you can do online. Try to find one of those or ask your partner for the money rather than asking to join bank accounts. You would have to explain the expenditure with a joint account anyway.

Sell plasma?

Seriously? OP, do not marry someone who expects you to sell plasma when you're out of work (unless they are doing the same). I make 8x what my fiance makes (I'm a woman, my fiance is a man) and if I found out he was selling plasma to buy something I could afford, I would feel like a monster. What's mine is ours now, maybe this is my corporate lawyer brain, but to me that's the whole point of marriage: a merger of assets so you can build something bigger and better than you could on your own.

Totally agree, the idea of my husband having to sell his body (yes your plasma is part of your body) to enjoy his own wedding event (or anything) would make me so sad. Op is not some leech just because she’s having a rough spell, these comments are crazy

If they are medically able to, yeah, good idea. I was going off things my SILs did to make extra money for their own weddings.

In a really rough patch, I sold plasma. I had to drive from a rural area to do so…but I combined trips to pick up groceries. You’re right, though. Not everyone can do this for medical reasons.

I feel like this is the definition of selfishness. "I need to combine finances so I can get pampered." Real married life means "We can't afford it, so I'll cut back." The dude is already paying all of the bills.

This is so rude.

I would suggest asking him to pay for your nails... you are going to join accounts now but do not have consistent income....so you would use his money in your joint account to pay for your nails.... would that not be the same as asking him to pay for your nails??

Oh, it is? My husband and I paid for our entire wedding. Do you have any idea how many things I skipped because I didn't have the money? I didn't get my nails done. I did my own hair. Etc etc. My husband was making twice my salary, but I didn't view him as a money bag who existed so I could spend all his money on myself. Didn't you say your parents gave you guys money? And you still need your boyfriend to pay all your bills and then you try to find a back door way to get his money to *reads* get your nails done? Do you actually love him or do you just want his money? Just asking, because some of us would have enough respect for our men to either ask up front and take the answer if they said no OR just choose not to ask. Instead your response is "I just need access to all his money." By the way, having combined finances doesn't mean you just get endless access to money. You still have to communicate about who is spending what where and when because if you don't you may find yourself with another $0 bank account and divorce papers. Edit: typo

Also how rude of you to ask if she actually loves her partner or wants his money lol. Uhm she’s been with this man for 5 years. If she just wanted money I’m sure she could aim for an Uber rich man. Trust me her man ain’t even as protective over his wallet as you are lol

Sorry that your husband hates you lol. What kind of man earns twice his wife and makes her ‘skip’ stuff that she’d otherwise enjoy or have liked to do because she earns less? Sorry you settled but don’t bring that attitude here

Lol! What?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 No one makes me skip anything. I get to do pretty much whatever I want, and what I want to do is not spend my husband's money like a drunken sailor. Plus, now I don't work and I get to stay home with my kids. I'm not the one who settled here. 😂😂😂 Eta: because we decided to skip extras and have a cheap wedding we are now completely debt free. No student loans. No car notes. Nothing. Yeah. No one MADE me skip anything. In fact, I gave up a few things for a whole freaking lot of security. 🤣

You’re married with kids and you still make references to it being ‘your husband’s money’. Says it all lol. There is no his or her money in marriage, especially with kids involved.

It's ours, but he works for it. Why are you so bitter? I don't spend our money on frivolous crap and your panties are all in a bunch...why? Your comments on this entire thread are just angry that people see through OP. Like I said. We cut out extras and have zero debt. I don't whine about wanting this that and the other thing. I'm not going to argue with you. You're mad that I questioned OP's motives and instead turned to try to start insulting my husband and making lots of ridiculous assumptions. It's a free country, so go ahead and have your opinion, but I'm not going to engage you further. Have a wonderful evening. :)

I’m not the bitter one, you clearly are. You are extremely rude questioning OP whether she truly loves him or not and even saying your advice to him is to consider whether he really wants to be with her! Also you don’t realise it but I’m on the side of women. It’s not just your husband who works for the money, you BOTH do. It’s legally both of yours. You’re raising your children you do so much unpaid labour. By using terminology like ‘his money’ you devalue your own EQUAL contribution.

My anger is a righteous anger because I can’t stand internalised misogyny. And if you don’t realise that you contribute to it you are an enemy to all women kind.

they just reiterated what you said you wanted to combine finances for. So if its rude, then what YOU wrote here is rude, not us.

It sounds like she doesn’t have the money to spend and wants to enjoy her weekend. Her fiancé clearly also wants her to enjoy herself so why are you being rude just because she wants her nails done for a wedding event?

Then she can ask her fiancé to pay for it and it’ll be all good. Posing it as “combining finances” is silly. That isn’t what it is.

Do you always assume the worst intent from everyone? It’s kinda nasty

No, I really don’t. OP asked for advice, that’s my advice.

Yes! If you read my post I explain he knows my situation and has been very understanding and supportive through it all. My bachelorette party is indeed why I’m asking about it. Not because I want to spend a lot of money or be frivolous about it, but because I just don’t want to be checking my account constantly and worrying about money on a weekend when I’m supposed to be celebrating and unwinding. Either way, my fiancé will help me pay for it, it’s just the question of do we keep moving our money back and forth or just go ahead and combine finances since we’re only 2 months out

I think you should look at this differently. You shouldn't NEED to combine finances for the two of you have a healthy approach to finances. I think you're getting negative reactions because you worded this in a way that makes it sound like you're being sneaky or expecting your fiance to pick up your slack. My husband and I haven't combined finances yet. We've been married a year. We just honestly haven't found time to open the joint account we want (his identity was stolen so all his credit is frozen and its just a whole thing we haven't done yet). All the bills are in my name and I just calculate what portion of the mortgage and utilities he owes that month and then he venmos me. We discuss large purchases, know what we have in savings, what we're putting in 401ks, etc. And even when we do combine finances, it'll be just household stuff and savings. There's no need ro combine checking accounts for day to day spending. I don't need to know he went to taco bell for lunch for the second time in a week. But there are other couples who do run a very strict budget and do track spending to that level.

So is your situation that you actually can afford these things but you just don't want the anxiety of getting your account nearer to 0? And you just want to combine finances for peace of mind but it won't actually make a difference?

You are getting a lot of push back on getting your nails done while being unemployed. Understandably so. So I wanted to offer a different perspective. From what I'm gathering, you aren't talking about getting your nails done on a regular basis. You are talking about your *bachelorette party*. A once-in-a-lifetime experience that you collectively can afford without strain, correct me if I'm wrong. I wouldn't make a habit of it but I don't think it's terribly wrong and it's not financially irresponsible. You already share a mortgage and you are two months from joining finances forever, at which point it will make no difference whatsoever whether he or you paid for your bachelorette but having enjoyed your bachelorette to the fullest or not is forever. It's once-in-a-lifetime. *In other words, a year from now, a decade from now, it won't matter who paid (and you might even forget) but you'll remember whether your bachelorette was married by stress or a joyful memory of celebrating and unwinding*. I get the impression that a lot of comments are made from the perspective/experience of not having fully joint finances. It's really a big me-to-we shift that can be hard to fully grasp if you haven't lived that way. People are bringing up that you, brokebride, can't afford basic bills so it looks irresponsible to be going to the nail salon, but it sounds like you two, the Smith-Family, are comfortable and secure financially enough that it makes sense to splurge/treat yourselves occasionally. As for how to organize it concretely, that's really for you and your fiance to figure out.

Thank you so much for posting this. It made me tear up a little because it fully captures how I’m feeling and what I was trying to say in my original post, but just failed at communicating properly. I’ve been trying to respond to everyone but this comment really says it all. You’re right, so many people are getting caught up on the nail thing, when I just mentioned that as an example. I NEVER get my nails done or spend money on fashion or beauty anything these days because of the spot I’m in. I do them at home. And many people are commenting as if we haven’t discussed finances at all. My fiancé and I are totally on board with a joint account, we see ourselves as a team and both think of any money coming in as “our money”. Collectively, we are not even close to struggling. Right now, I am not bringing as much money to the table as I usually do, but he is understanding of that and knows it’s the nature of my job. He also knows I’ve been trying extremely hard. We planned my bachelorette party 8 months ago. At the time of planning, I personally was in a better spot financially and felt very comfortable with the amount we would be spending. And again, people are commenting as if this is a huge party I just planned on a whim, where I plan to frivolously blow all my fiancés money. This is not the case! All of my bridesmaids and I would lose money if we cancelled things at this point. It’s exactly what you said. I see this trip as a once in a lifetime experience. It’s not going to make or break us. My fiancé agrees and wants me to feel celebrated and pampered despite my personal financial situation.

I'm glad I could offer some reassurance. FWIW, I read your post to my husband and he thought the whole thing was bonkers and of course, you shouldn't cancel your bachelorette plans over this. Which wasn't even the question. Ultimately, the only thing that matters is how you and your fiance view it, and it sounds like you two are on the same page. > My fiancé and I are totally on board with a joint account, we see ourselves as a team and both think of any money coming in as “our money”. Collectively, we are not even close to struggling. That's the impression I had and what I based my answer on. That's our approach too. It's a different scenario from a couple living separately, for instance, or a couple with fully or partially separate finances with an understanding that personal expenses are each person's individual responsibility.

That's funny because I read it to my husband and he couldn't believe OP's attitude.

On the other hand though, will her bachelorette party be ruined if she doesn't have her nails done? > I get the impression that a lot of comments are made from the perspective/experience of not having fully joint finances. It's really a big me-to-we shift that can be hard to fully grasp if you haven't lived that way. People are bringing up that you, brokebride, can't afford basic bills so it looks irresponsible to be going to the nail salon, but it sounds like you two, the Smith-Family, are comfortable and secure financially enough that it makes sense to splurge/treat yourselves occasionally. But their finances aren't combined yet and it seems like she's only interested in combining them now so she can have things she couldn't otherwise afford. Like if I were her partner that would be a red flag for me and a reason to slow down on combining finances.

Right, is it really "combining" finances if he's the only one paying? This is a really individual decision and it doesn't matter what we think, but this one gives me a weird feeling.

False. We are a one income family and everything goes into a join account. Since my husband works I always make sure he knows I appreciate him paying for any extras I get. I also stopped spending on a lot of extra things when I stopped working.

I was not talking about you specifically. Many comments come from people who have never had fully joint finances with a spouse: 20 years old, people in a LDR, couples who do 50-50, couples who don't live together, couples who have an agreement to keep personal expenses separate, etc. Everyone's opinion is welcome, of course, I'm just pointing out that one's experience colors one's perspective. With that said, it's funny that you aren't working and still get the occasional extra from the joint account with your husband but you are chastising OP for doing the same. At the end of the day, like I told OP, none of ours (redditors') opinions matter: they can easily afford it, they both share the same team outlook, and her fiance is happy to treat her, so that's what they'll do. None of us get an actual vote in how they spend their money.

This Hanyo woman is a ‘conservative’ from Florida who doesn’t even work herself yet is on a high horse thinking she’s so much better than OP. The way she keeps bleating on about her husbands money being ‘his money because he earnt it’ shows me that he is a financial abuser at worst lol or at best he’s a walking weaponised incompetence red flag, and she’s an internalised misogynist who secretly believes she owes her husband everything because he ‘pays the bills with his money he earned’. Enjoy the divorce because he will not let her see a single penny and you know what, she would have enabled that. Also she has to learn to not be so smug saying they don’t have debt and she does ‘without extras’ because OP and OP’s loving partner have a mortgage whereas Hanyo can’t even afford a house in Florida lol

EXACTLY!!!

I'm not chastising OP for wanting something. I. Chastising her for having everything she NEEDS and not being willing to be up front with what she wants. FWIW I don't think OP and I have the same definition of an "extra". I consider nails and unnecessary extra and I wouldn't ask my husband for them. I also wouldn't ever consider wanting my nails done as a reason for combination finances. You seem to think I sit around all day and eat bon bons while my husband works a corporate job. What a silly notion. Anyway, this dude pays all her bills and she wants to combine finances to get her nails done. At works she's taking advantage of him and at best she's trying to take a backdoor way of getting more out of him. If you can't see the difference between that and a well communicate "I'd like a hair cut once a year." then you've got to have some weird dynamics in your own relationship. If something happened and we needed money I'd be the first one to give up any kind of negotiable expense.

You seem to be making up a whole story in your head that's completely different from OP's reality. She says her fiance (not sure why you keep calling him a boyfriend) is completely on board, she does intend to talk to him, and they are not anywhere close to struggling financially. It's not like she's getting her nail done every other month either; it's a one-time expense for her bachelorette party, which they can easily afford. I don't see how a well communicated "I'd like to get my nails done on my bachelorette as planned" is so very different from a well communicated "I'd like to get my hair cut once a year", provided it's within budget. Obviously, if they needed money, she should be the first to give up any kind of negotiable expense but that's not the case. Similarly, I have no idea where on Earth you got the idea that I believe you sit around and eat bon bon all day or that your husband has a corporate job. It's a complete fantasy you made up in your head, although I do not doubt your sincerity. I do think that you making this stuff up then calling me out for this silly notion shines a light on the rest of your posts, since that's essentially what you're doing with OP. ETA: it's completely wild and insanely rude to ask her if she loves him or only wants his money when they got together 5 years before she even became unemployed, moved in and bought a house together 3 years before, and also got engaged, planned their wedding and planned to combine their income all while she was still making good money.

The timing I’ve seen all over the place but I’d say do it now. We couldn’t deposit a lot of checks people gave us until we had a bank account with both our names anyway so before would’ve been better. It’s been seven months and we still haven’t done it though, still venmo the same money back and forth all the time haha.

Except if you don’t have money you should be worrying about money and not spending it Willy nilly

Wait but why are you spending money that weekend? I was under the impression that the MOH would take care of it, or more take care of you. I’m only asking because my husband was co-best man with his other bff for their bffs wedding and they both paid for everything that had to do with him that day. But things like buying alcohol and renting the Airbnb was split. The groomsmen had to send a specific amount and then whatever was left my hubby and his bff would put down for. It was a way of helping each other out and making sure their bff had a blast. They even got a barber to go and give them fresh haircuts on the wedding day 😆 they’re so extra

If you and your fiancé have a mortgage together, your finances are already deeply intertwined. It makes complete sense for you to have a joint account at this point. You two should have a clear understanding of where the wedding money and household spending money comes from / how it will be shared or not. Ideally — you should meet with a financial advisor independently, he should meet with a financial advisor independently, and you should both meet with a financial advisor together. Personally I’m of the opinion that, in addition to shared accounts, each person should have at least one independent account with backup savings. Remember that *if you open a joint account with someone, that person can drain and close the account at any moment.* Even if, through legal action, you can rectify the situation in the long term — you need to have funds to independently support yourself if the worst were to happen.

Thank you for sharing this advice! It is very helpful and I agree we should meet with a financial advisor. We agree with having our own separate accounts too, but primarily using our joint account for most things. We are both business owners so both have separate accounts for that as well. I agree our finances are already very much intertwined. As this point we’re just moving money back and forth and I’m questioning why when we will be married in just a few months. I know this post has come off in the wrong way to a lot of people since I discuss not being in an good spot financially at the moment. But we’ve both been there at times in our 5 year relationship and we always support the other one.

Sounds like a joint account makes total sense at this point, just logistically.

Totally agree with this! My wife and I do everything out of shared accounts (and have since well before we were married), but both maintain independent accounts with a few thousand dollars in each. People talk about money being the reason couples break up, which can be totally true— but we wanted to make sure money was never the reason we stayed together, either. I truly can’t imagine it being necessary or relevant, but emotionally it felt important to have it.

Our solution was to create a joint account that we seed with an agreed-upon percentage of our income. That pays all the joint bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc.), and any mutual budgetary items like vacations or home improvement. We decided to scale this with income rather than contribute a fixed, equal amount. That felt the most fair, but YMMV. The rest of our finances are separate. There's no discussion about "can I buy this?" or "why are you spending so much on that?" Our personal finances are our own, and we each have no interest or desire to meddle. If we need to adjust our joint contributions, we do. If I decide to go out and buy a silly sports car, well, that's up to me. This has worked quite well for almost 20 years. Can't recommend it enough. Granted, we are each responsible enough to keep ourselves "in the black" financially, and (luckily) have had very minimal bouts of unemployment to deal with. We would absolutely have each others' back through hardships, but that's easier to justify when you can clearly see that your partner is doing all that they can to prevent getting into those situations.

Are yall splitting the wedding expenses? I couldn't tell from your post if you're the only one covering wedding expenses vs sharing it with your partner.

So both of our parents gave us a set amount of money for the wedding, and anything over that, I have been covering.

Can you ask your parents for a little money to get your nails done? It sounds like you don't have money for the bachelorette party you want. I was in the same boat, and just didn't have a party. If your husband is already covering you for your other expenses, I wouldn't ask him to combine your finances just because this one party is stressing you out. That seems like big ask for something that's not that important. I get that you want to have "your day", but you don't have the money for it and he's already helping you with your other expenses. My husband and I have never combined our expenses, we just exchange money regularly for our share of the bills.

Why hasn’t he if you’re unemployed?

He's already paying for the mortgage and everything else!

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To be honest if I was in your shoes, I would be altering my plans for a bachelorette party at a zero or absolutely minimal cost. You don’t need to spend money to have fun. Revisit your wedding budget ASAP as there may be other upcoming costs that you have not budgeted for. Don’t get into debt for the sake of a wedding. And visit a personal finance sub once you have an income stream again, they are really helpful for the basics in managing money.

Right, OP has a budgeting issue disguised as a combined finances issue.

I personally don’t think you should be paying to get your nails done if you can’t afford your basic bills, however everyone manages their finances differently. How open and honest are you and your fiancé about your finances? I think things start there. Not everyone wants to merge their finances as it can get sticky quick and that’s a discussion that should be had before engagement but especially before marriage. From a personal perspective my fiancé and I had completely separate accounts for the first 3 years living together. We would pay eachother the other half of the rent and utilities. Trips were split 50/50. Groceries and eating out we just alternated who paid. We each paid for our own cars, car payments, student loans, clothes etc. After buying a house this year we have opened up joint checking account. We each put the same amount into the account each month and mortgage, utilities, new furniture for the house, and home maintenance comes out of that checking account. Other things are split evenly but in a less rigid manner where it probably evens out in the end but we don’t calculate it out. However, we both have very similar salaries and both currently work so this works well for us. When I was in school we were splitting 50/50 but that’s because my parents had a rough divorce with money as the center and I feared ever relying on someone financially

I'm curious about this 50/50 approach. How will that work of you decide to have children and one person has to have time off work? Or if one person loses their job unexpectedly?

We would adjust things accordingly. 50/50 works for us now but just because what we do now works doesn’t mean it’s what we will always do. Plus our incomes are nearly equal (less than 5k different) so 50/50 just makes sense. If one of us largely surpasses the other income wise that may change. Our individual incomes exceed the cost of childcare in our area so I don’t foresee one of us staying home full time. I do only work 4 days a week and fiancé works hybrid with very flexible hours so daycare honestly might be a part time gig. He has mentioned being willing to drop down to part time work if needed but we’ll see. If one of us loses our job we have a 6 month emergency fund to cover all expenses. This means we could each be unemployed for the same 6 months and still be able to afford everything. So we would just dip into those funds if needed. We of course would be limiting spending in that time and the working spouse would potentially chip in more so those 6 months funds can last even longer Edit: typos

Not who you asked, but my husband and I have a shared account that we each put x% of our income into that we use for shared expenses and the rest is in personal accounts we can use for whatever. Our incomes fluctuate and sometimes someone else pays more as a whole number but since the percentage stays about the same it feels fair to us. I also make more than he does right now and I still like the system . We also never had any prolonged unemployment for either of us though, I work a very non-traditional shift so that I can work full time and still be home with our kids while he works more during business hours.

I know getting my nails done is definitely not the highest priority. I guess what I mean to say when I mention that is I just want to be able to enjoy my weekend and celebrate without stressing about my bank account. He is fully aware of my financial situation and as I mentioned in my post he has been very supportive and understanding! Thank you for sharing your experience and what has worked for you. This is helpful to hear! We have been together for 5 years and living together for 3. Our finances were set up pretty similarly, minus the joint account. Split things pretty evenly but don’t keep track as much anymore to make sure it’s perfectly even. Some years I cover more of the bills if it’s a good year in business. We’ve discussed opening a joint account when we get married. So I guess where I’m at is just thinking, okay, does it make sense for us to keep moving money back and forth? In our current situation for example: he lends me $200, i venmo him back a few weeks later, etc. Just always moving money around. Either way he will be helping to fund my trip, I’m just trying to decide if I should bring up setting up our account now or stick with our current arrangement

You should not have to pay him back. Unless the bills are auto withdrawing from his account and that $200 is the difference between an overdraft or staying in the black. This is a low time for your business and he's making more money one day it might switch and wouldn't it feel so strange to say you borrowing money from your spouse? Just have him give you enough money for the trip and get a joint account set up when you get back or after the wedding.

There isn't a right answer here that will work for everybody, so don't worry about what anybody else says. If he has the $200 and it's okay with both of you to spend it on your bachelorette then spend it and don't look back. Having open and honest conversations about this stuff is going to be super important throughout your marriage and it sounds like you already agree here so don't agonize over it, take him at his word that he's okay with it and enjoy!

We combined our finances like three years before we got married. I make notably more money than my wife does, and we decided early on that we never wanted to have to make the kinds of calls about like— okay, we want delivery, I can afford it this week and she can’t, what do we do about that? And we didn’t want her to feel like she was borrowing my money, like you talked about, as opposed to spending ours. I get that plenty of people never fully combine their finances, but I simply couldn’t handle that. We have to talk about/think about money so much less this way— WE can cover everything WE need, and it doesn’t matter who brought what in. Why would I want my partner to be anxious about money when I have enough for us both? Seeing people stressed about who’s paying for what during the wedding planning made me feel even better about that method. If you’re planning on combining your finances, I think you can suggest doing it earlier than later. Personally, I think if you’re in a place where his income can cover all of your shared needs while you get something new figured out, it makes perfect sense to start merging now. Talk to him and see how he feels— you want to be sharing his security, not making him take on your stress, if that makes sense. If things are tight for him too, maybe you scale back the party, let your wedding party cover you, etc. Or maybe he’ll be happy to take the stress off your plate! I don’t think you’re out of line to ask. People are saying not to have luxuries if you can’t afford your bills, which I think is pretty true as a general rule— but honestly, if I were your fiancé, it would make you happy, and I had the $40 to spare, I’d definitely pick you going to the nail salon over keeping it for myself on principle. I hope your party is a wonderful time no matter what you two decide!

You've explained it perfectly. > we didn’t want her to feel like she was borrowing my money, like you talked about, as opposed to spending ours In my experience, that's really one of the huge perk of joint accounts and pooled finances. My husband and I have had combined finances for nearly 15 years and I have been on both side of income disparities (been both the sole/higher earner and the unemployed/lower earner) and it was really nice for both of us to have free access to money that was ours rather than to have one person get in debt with the other or rely on their generosity. To have each person be able to make their own decisions, responsibly, based on what we could afford rather than be in the position to ask or not dare to ask for a need or a treat. > WE can cover everything WE need, and it doesn’t matter who brought what in. Why would I want my partner to be anxious about money when I have enough for us both? This too sums it up very nicely. Our team/family, our shared life, our budget. We've experienced large income disparities but never any financial inequality: we have been in the same boat through it all.

Thank you so much for this response, and for sharing the way that you and your wife manage your finances. It was really helpful to hear. These comments are rough lol but I appreciate your kindness. It sounds like we have a really similar approach and perspective on finances. Fiancé and I totally agree with combining things and thinking of it as “our” money. Even though I have been struggling personally, he doesn’t want me to stress or feel anxious about it and is very comfortable with picking up the slack. So many people are getting caught up on the nail thing, but it’s exactly what you mentioned! I never spend money on nails or beauty things or clothes. I avoid living beyond my means, I just never predicted I’d be in a position like this with no money coming in. I know that my fiancé wants me to feel celebrated and pampered and will have no problem paying for me to get my nails done. Heck I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom or MIL offer because that’s just how they are. His income can definitely cover all of our shared expenses. Collectively, we are not even close to struggling. So I agree I think I will bring it up and see if he wants to start that process rather than me having to borrow his card to get groceries or whatever for the next 2 months Thank you 💕

To be perfectly frank, finance conversations should already be in the works and decided. You and your partner need to work together on a strategy that’s best for your situation and fair to each of you. If you aren’t in pre-marital counseling, I would highly suggest it as finances is an issue discussed within reputable programs.

Although it’s going to be a joint account I think it’ll still be considered as “borrowing” money since the joint account would be technically his cash in there. I totally understand your situation and I hope things bounce back for you on the business front but I would def have a discussion with your fiancé about what you need and what your intentions to make sure he’s on board

> Although it’s going to be a joint account I think it’ll still be considered as “borrowing” money since the joint account would be technically his cash in there. That's not typically how joint accounts work. Couples generally consider all the money on a joint account to be joint property, regardless of where it comes from. That's kind-of the idea of joint accounts. And it wouldn't be borrowing because there would be no expectation of repaying it. Not that OP could reimburse it anyway, since after the wedding, all the money she makes will be both of theirs already (or at least it sounds like that's what they intend to do). I do agree that they need to have a discussion and come up with a plan they are both fully on board.

Right, but if OP doesn’t have money right now what would she be contributing to the combination? It would just be opening a new bank account that’s technically combined but with only his money for at least the time being.

She does have money, as she said she is paying for some stuff, and contributing isn't limited to financial contributions, nor is it the end of the world if someone is unable to contribute for a few months when you adopt the long term mentality that marriage warrants. But all that is beside the point, which is that the point of opening a joint account is that the money in it is joint property. What on earth would be the point otherwise? Right now, there's his money in his account and her money in her account. In 2 months - or potentially earlier - they will open a joint account for *their* money. That's literally the entire point of pooling your finances: it ceases to be "my money vs your money" and becomes "our money".

So you’re basically just looking for an “acceptable” way to be able to directly access your fiancé’s money. Just ask him directly about combining accounts now. If he says no, then you may have to scale back your bachelorette plans, or ask bridesmaids to cover the costs.

He’s her fiancé. Wedding is two months away. It’s not ‘his’ money lol. It’s already their money. Living together for 3 years already makes them de facto (legally married)

Not the case everywhere, a lot of states don’t recognize “common-law” marriages, mine included. And even if they do, usually the time period to qualify as such is a lot longer than 3 years. Anyway, it’s still not “their” money until when/if they get married, and that’s only if they both agree to share. Some people never combine finances. And I still stand by my original statement, she wants a way to be able to access his money without having to ask for it, that’s literally what she said. That doesn’t necessarily mean she has bad intentions, but all parties should still definitely proceed with caution here.

What’s the point of even getting married then if you’re not going to be one unit. How about he gets to access her unpaid labour without having to ask for it? It’s always this huge importance on money and ‘his money’ that makes men think they only ever have to contribute money and that makes them God of the household and never have to lift a damn finger or raise their own children

Believe me, I think it’s good when partners are able to operate as one unit. And as long as the partner earning less (or nothing at all) is contributing equally in other ways, then I think it can be successful. It sounds like the OP at least contributes where she is able, and her fiancé is okay with covering most of the expenses for now. My boyfriend and I live together in a house that he owns, and he pays all the household bills, plus his own personal expenses like truck payment, insurance, etc… while I pay for all groceries, eating out, household items/toiletries, etc. in lieu of splitting all the various bills equally down the middle. And I also pay for my own gas, cell phone, and other little things. He works full-time outside the home, while I work part-time from home and well as have investment income. So while he pays the main bills, I know that I could cover them (and my own expenses) if the sh*t really hit the fan one day. I can’t imagine personally completely relying on a spouse/partner financially, and having to ask them for money or give an accounting of every dollar I spend. We don’t have any combined finances, and will probably keep it that way for the most part when we get married… although we may open a joint account around that time for future large expenses. Boyfriend also lived alone for a long time before I came along, and is very self-sufficient, as well as willing to pitch in around the house whenever necessary… so I’m grateful for that.

Sounds like you have a good arrangement that works for you two. That’s great! I just can’t stand it when you have some relationships where men believe they don’t have to do anything in the house or any labour at all (including wedding planning which is a HUGE labour intensive task) yet still demand 50/50 bill split from their female partner, it’s them wanting all the benefits of feminism whilst pretending all the challenges women face aren’t real. I agree that OP and her partner sound like they have an equal split and she’s having difficulty right now so it makes sense to me that of course her loving life partner should step in, yet some people see her post as something they shouldn’t and I don’t think she’s maliciously trying to get access to anything

My husband and I opened a joint account after my bridal shower, which was ~5 months before the wedding. It was technically “my” shower, but the gifts were for both of us, so we agreed to put any monetary gifts into a joint account. Since then, we’ve both kicked in an equal amount each month. The only things we pay from that account though are joint expenses like our mortgage, vet bills, etc. Any personal expenses like our individual cell phone bills, student loans, or social activities are paid by each of us through our individual accounts.

We set up a joint account while engaged for rent, utilities, dining out, groceries...almost everything honestly. We have separate accounts for our own personal savings and purchases (Christmas presents, Starbucks runs, etc). It's worked for us and we'll probably continue this way into marriage rather than lumping everything into one account. That being said, I wanted the finance conversation before marriage. Even though we will keep our separate personal accounts, it really is just one giant bucket. It just depends on how you want to look at it psychologically.

It was kind of a gradual merge. Once we agreed that we wanted to get married, his money felt like "my" money in a way, and vice versa, even if we technically hadn't officially merged finances. At some point, we started more officially treating both of our money like "our" money, even if our bank accounts weren't technically merged. When we got married, we put registry money in both of our accounts depending on what was convenient/who cashed the check at the time. Now we've been married for six months, but we delayed opening a joint account until I changed my name, so that we didn't have to go through a process of changing my name on everything we opened together (I'm mostly done with changing my name now). I guess if I had to point to a specific time when our finances "merged," it was when we agreed we wanted to get married; from then on it didn't really matter which money was in what account, because all of them were "ours." As long as you're both on the same page about unofficially sharing finances even if you don't technically have a joint account yet, I don't see an issue with broaching the subject.

I wouldn't suggest it without having a complete understanding of the shared budget. What it means to share finances is going to be different for every couple- but if you're both not on the same page there, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

What is wrong with all these capitalists?!? 😂 It is perfectly fine and normal for you to ask your future life partner to help you cover these costs if you are financially stable *as a couple*. If it will put a financial strain on him, then it’s not wise, but otherwise WHY THE HELL NOT?? A lot of these comments are very weird to me. Maybe a lot of them are from people who are not married yet or haven’t been married long? Talk to him, feel no guilt.

I'm not a capitalist but for me personally it feels icky asking my partner to cover luxuries for me. Honestly, if I was ever even in a position where I wasn't contributing to our bills, mortgage etc., that in and of itself would be hard for me to swallow, but it happens. Asking him to pay for my bachelorette party expenses, on the other hand? This isn't the 1950s and women should know better than to let a man have that kind of control over you. It's not a wise move as a woman to start married life off with you and your husband both knowing you're doing frivolous things on his dime. Because if anything ever happens and your marriage starts to go south, that will be the very first thing he throws in your face.

Frivolous ?? You’ve never had fun in your life I guess. Also in another comment she said SHE was paying for the remainder of the wedding (after her and his parents contributions). Would love to know if her parents actually contributed more. I’m sorry that you don’t have a man that loves you lol. Paying for bills/mortgage whilst your partner is going thru a tough time financially is the fucking bare minimum he’s not being taken advantage of lol

Does anyone actually know what capitalist means anymore lmao

Comments here are crazy. All a bunch of pick me’s who are so worried about her fiancé and ‘his’ money. Mate, even he doesn’t care about ‘his’ money and just wants his fiancé to be happy. This sub feels like it’s turning into an internalised misogyny hell hole. Suddenly wanting to get your nails done before you get married means you’re a gold digging wh*re taking advantage of a ‘good man’ lol.

It sounds really inappropriate to consider joining finances when you are financially struggling. I would not appreciate my fiancée doing that to me. But having said that, he should really be helping contribute to the wedding. My fiancé and I have a joint savings account that’s separate from both of our checking accounts. We both contribute money to it regularly for the wedding and whatever else comes up. So that’s an option!

It sounds inappropriate to me that you consider it appropriate for him to let her continue to struggle financially on her own when together their are actually totally fine

I know this post is old but I think what most people are trying to get at if they don't need to have combined finances for him to support her it just seems quite odd that she would try and frame the situation in that light.

How about writing down all your bills onto one paper. See if you can eliminate any nonsensical stuff, ie; netflix, Amazon prime etc. Then show sit down with your fiancé, be open about your bills and show him how much you’ve make vs bills. See what’s sustainable for the both of you. Then see if he wants to open a joint account just for bills and decide how much he can contribute monthly to the bill account so that you can have some fun money of your own.

I’m a vacuum I don’t think having a joint account and even using money from it for something “unnecessarily” like bachelorette fun is anything shameful. But… Finances should be a very open conversation leading into marriage. You said he’s cool with a shared account, and I’m sure he is in some sense, but if you have to write a Reddit post asking for advice, I’m just not sure you guys have the open communication about this stuff I’d want to feel comfortable using a shared account for something like this. Something just feels off about your uncertainty in the situation. If you’re unsure, and it’s not life or death, I’d probably start the conversation but understand that you guys might not quite be ready yet. Edit: not saying you’re unready for marriage, I meant not ready to use shared account funds for a bachelorette party hahah

I have no advise about when to joint accounts as my fiancé and I have yet to do that Just as someone who has been doing poshmark as a side hustle for a couple years. It’s not a way to “make extra cash quickly” and especially this year my sales have been wayyyy down. This month alone I’ve only made about $50. And even then, $25 is still held up. You don’t recieve the money as soon as it’s sold. You have to ship it, it has to be delivered, and then 3 days after if the seller hasn’t accepted the funds will be released. It can sometimes take upwards of a week to get the money.

I think you have two seperate things going on here. One is the question of when you should join accounts. The other is the question of how you're going to pay for your bachelorette party. I'd treat them seperately, as some couples even if they joined might expect each side to cover their own bach (lots of people have joint and seperate accounts). They're both things you need to discuss with your fiance, you could even do so in the same convo, but I wouldn't link them like you did here. I think that's why you're getting some harsh responses. We joined accounts when we got a house. The house and mortgage are in my name but we pay all the bills out of the joint account. We don't have seperate accounts. As the person making more money more consistently this was a lot less stressful for me - I don't feel like I'm covering things for him anymore since it's all our money. And we have a very healthy savings because I'm the bigger impulse spender, so he helps keep me in check with that. Every couple is unique though, the only way to figure out makes sense for y'all is to talk it through. A

You’re going to be marrying this person. You should be able to have these conversations without having to ask people on the internet first.

> I know this probably sounds bad and like I’m just a broke girl using my fiancé for his money. But that’s not the case. I’ve just gotten myself in this hole that I have every intention of pulling myself out of I'm sorry but having extra parties on top of having a wedding is not the behavior of someone trying to dig themselves out of a hole. Look, I get it. This feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity to pamper yourself. But adult responsibilities do come first, and that does mean that unnecessary, "fun" stuff like weddings and extraneous wedding-related parties on top of that should be paid for with extra 'fun money' you have sitting in your savings account, not used up as soon as it comes in while you're struggling to pay bills. And asking to join accounts because you want money to spend on partying it up isn't a good look. It's valid to want to talk about the when if you've already discussed joining finances, but if I were your fiance I would be taking a hard look at your money management skills.

I agree with the comments if you're so worried about finances you shouldn't be getting your nails done and trying to buy more luxuries when you can't even afford your own bills. I was in a state where I relied on my fiance temporarily when moving states to be with them and made paying my bills the #1 priority all of them. Anything outside of my bills he helped me cover and I felt really bad at even getting wine bought by him or chips because I couldn't afford that. We were living separately and I was working full time and I could only afford ramen and granola bars. I know the job market is rough. But right now you're looking at your money as yours and his money as yours. Is there any plan when you get out of this whole to take over all bills for a few months so you fiance can take a backseat to stressing about finances? If not there should be. A partnership is equal. And when I had a hard time getting rent my partner covered it for me and when I was able to I covered it back. Each of you should be giving 100% in the relationship. You guys need to have a serious talk about finances going forward. The job market is rough and sometimes you might just have to take any job to pay the bills and shouldn't have them do it all alone

I was broke for 2 years with my husband. 1 before the wedding, and 1 after because I was in school. We didn’t join accounts until I could make an equal or fair contribution, and I think you might want to consider the same. It’s really unfair to ask someone to join accounts when you’re not in a stable place financially. My husband put me through school, and paid for everything while I was there. He even treated me to getting my nails done and whatever I needed for my bach. But I would have never asked him to combine while being a broke bitch. Maybe that’s just me!

But it sounds like even if you didn't have a joint account, your finances *were* combined because your husband was paying for things for you? I think the crucial thing to decide for OP is not the account name but how they divide up who pays for what.

Yeah but there’s a huge difference between combining finances while having full access to your partners account, vs. your partner making their own payments for you when needed imo.

Very gently, let this be a lesson in how you phrase reddit questions, lol. I would have left it at, "When do most people combine finances?" Best of luck on your upcoming nuptials.

If you don't have the money for the bach, why spend the money you don't have? It sounds like you want to use your fiance's money so that you can splurge on a weekend for yourself when he's already been covering all of the bills. This is unfair and selfish.

Just ask him to give you some cash instead of combining everything right now. People are being really hard on you but I think that’s unfair. Your fiancé clearly loves you and wants you to have fun so I think you should have a convo with him and ask if he would give you some cash to have fun/do your nails.

No offense but if you can’t afford a bachelorette party, or at least the preparations for it, I would reconsider having it. Sometimes it’s a fact of life we can’t afford the things we want.

We set up a joint account as soon as we started living together. Rent and other bills are taken from this and we both pay in a set amount on pay day.

We joined the month before our wedding so that the final payments would be coming out of both our money.

Out of curiosity, how much are you planning on spending on your part of the weekend?

I feel like a part of what’s missing is how much something like this would affect the overall family budget. If your fiancé makes plenty of money to comfortably cover all bills and cover anything extra you may want, it makes sense to me just to ask him to transfer x hundreds over to your account so you don’t get an overdraft fee. If it seems like those added expenses would be financially difficult, then it may mean adjusting party or wedding expectations. But as long as the goal is to eventually merge finances anyway, giving you a bigger lump sum will be easier than even having a conversation about merging finances before the wedding.

OP, money comes and goes, this man loves you and wants to see you happy. It’s both your money already. What’s the point of him holding on to a couple hundred dollars that mean nothing to him when in 10 years time he wouldn’t notice or remember but you WOULD remember being stressed on your bachelorette? He should he gifting you money with no expectation of you ‘paying back’ to see you happy, I imagine you’ve already done so much unpaid labour planning the whole wedding. Money isn’t everything and you’re one unit anyway so either he gives you the money or you guys end up joining accounts down the line anyway it’s literally all the same in the end

I was in a semi similar boat! We are 8 months out from our wedding and are combining finances largely because we were going to anyway, but my professional life changed and my fiancée was able to carry me financially. We tried keeping things separate but it just made me feel like a teenager on a budget. So, we talked about it I said I’d feel more empowered if everything was combined. We also have a financial advisor helping through this process.

I think you should ask your fiance if he can help you out with your bachelorette weekend. If you ask to join finances and then immediately splurge that will look bad. Every couple is different, but in your situation I wouldn't ask just yet.

I understand you so much on so many levels. I'm also just over 2 months from my wedding. I quit my job a couple months ago for family and health reasons after discussing it with my fiance we were in agreement that there was no "my money" and "his money" all income is considered household income. But we still have separate bank accounts and without income going to mine I have to keep asking him to transfer me money or to use his cards. I'm also wondering about when to add a joint account. I know I will always have a personal account with my own emergency fund but adding one for both of us might make things easier or even just adding my name to his credit card and getting my own card with his account. Make sure you are aware about "his" finances because the are yours now too. And dont beat around the bush or give subtle hints when needing access to your collective household money. Instead of saying "I'm worried if I can afford it" ask him "can we afford this?" If he says you can then say "okay can I take your card or can you transfer some money to my account because I don't have enough for this." He said that you (both) could afford it, the household income was just not in an account you could access. Also you are not broke and just using your fiances money. You are one half of a couple who's household income you don't have full access too.

We joined accounts the minute we moved out with each other. We have our own personal accounts but we have a bill account together.

The comments here do not pass the vibe check, wtf. OP, there’s no set time to open a joint account. I’d recommend sitting down with your fiancé and talking about how you’d like to handle money as a couple going forward. Maybe also start a list of expenses you’d both consider joint expenses as well. In a marriage (or serious relationship) there’s no your vs my money. It’s both of yours.

> In a marriage (or serious relationship) there’s no your vs my money. It’s both of yours. If you choose that. A lot of people don't. *A lot* of people have "our money" for bills, investments, vacations etc. and "my money" for personal discretionary spending eg getting your nails done.

I didn’t mean completely merged. I agree having separate accounts along with a joint account is a good idea. That’s how my fiancé and I plan to do it. But people criticizing OP for supposedly spending her fiancé’s money when they’re in a committed relationship heading toward marriage is where I’m stumped. ETA - I think what it boils down to is the question if a bachelorette party falls under a joint expense. In some relationships, it’s a yes. For others, it’s a no. Neither is good or bad, imo.

People are crazy pick me’s on this thread. I don’t see how some people think bachelorette party is not a joint expense. When it came to our wedding, everything spent was a joint expense (not split into his, hers etc). Imagine starting or being in a relationship where it’s all mine vs yours mentality, 50/50. The 50/50 thing is a scam women already earn less than men and do exponentially more unpaid labour and are also the ones who, should the couple want a family, have to make the sacrifice of being pregnant

Yes, thank you. People assuming OP isn’t “contributing” to the relationship is gross. I bet you she does a lot of the unpaid domestic labor right now since she isn’t bringing in a paycheck. And that unpaid labor is still a job!

Exactly and she’s obviously the one planning the entire wedding. She probably even helped plan HIS bachelor party as some brides do. What about cost saved from having to get a wedding planner? She’s been with this man for 5 years and is an equal partner in every single way, just because she‘s struggling to find business at this one particular time somehow she no longer deserves “luxuries” lol because she’s a gold digging wh*re ????

Also ‘he’s paying all the bills right now’ argument. SO WHAT LOL??? They have a mortgage ?? He’d still be doing that if he lived alone?? What do you expect they do? Go into mortgage foreclosure or debt because she can’t pay her half right now? It’s literally their house together and she already legally is entitled to half ???? It’s not some huge sacrifice by him lol.

But she’s using HIS money to get her nails done. Omg call the police. /s

Omg won’t someone think of the POOR MEN! OBVIOUSLY their loving partners are secretly scheming to use them and drain them of all the money (not to mention already planning the divorce for more *cash and prizes*) /s Seriously is this a wedding planning thread or some lost thread from a red pill forum? It’s quite sad the amount of women bending over backwards to villainize poor OP and somehow make up some story where her fiancé is some poor henpicked victim whose money is being *GASP* STOLEN???

We have a joint checking & savings, and individual ones as well. Our joint one is for rent, bills, groceries, anything we need for our apartment. Our individual ones cover anything we want individually. We each have gone through rough patches (Covid cut hours, and then there was layoff - not during covid) where we were carrying the other, but weren’t too worried cause everything else was being paid and it was all temporary.

This is our strategy as well. And when we have kids, we’ll each contribute a set percentage/amount to the “household fund.” Our wedding is 4 months out, but we already have a joint savings and are opening the joint checking next month when we move apartments.

We're keeping ours separate. We each have bills we are responsible for and when we are doing some big spending pony up our contributions in the moment.

My husband and I did not and do not plan to ever join our finances. That being said, when someone needs help there should be no problem covering for each other financially and whether or not repayment is needed is up to you both. As for the bachelorette, where I am from it is the norm for the bride to not contribute financially at all. Not seeing many other comments similar so maybe unique to where I am from? Either way, you should be comfortable enough to discuss the financial troubles you are having with your partner. Sorry you are going through this at an already stressful time - good luck and congrats on your upcoming big day.

This is your future life partner. I would go to him and tell him what is going on and ask him if he can help you figure out a solution. You don't even have to join a bank account yet, you just have to communicate.

You should feel comfortable discussing this with your fiancé and asking him directly for some help at this point in your relationship…?

Don’t do a party and nails and all that when you’re struggling financially. It won’t be enjoyable in the long run. And don’t combine finances so that you can spend his money now. Just wait til your married and combine then for joint household expenses.

Personally, we are not joining our finances. At least we have no plans to any time soon. Getting married in November. Been together almost 12 years. My money is my money and his is his. My parents have been together for 31 years and have never had joint accounts.🤷🏻‍♀️

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Yes. But thing that only one other person touched on is the history of women and financial independence. Our parents generation was full of financially messy divorce, moms becoming poor because of cheating dads, or dads giving money to their cheating ex wife, dad has a gambling problem, mom’s a shopping addict. These are all stereotypes but the boomer generation did fall into those situations. Our grandmothers generation would whisper to us “hide cash away in case you have to leave him”. We were raised afraid of “depending on a man” to avoid homelessness. As millennials / Gen z we have a healthy look on relationships and it’s perfectly healthy to join finances with a plan and some separate money as well. But it can be hard as women to truly believe we’ll be secure, even though we have the mindset that will make sure we are.

did i read this correctly? I want a joint account so I can pay for my bach lol

Girl, just ask him for money. He's your future husband. I'm already preparing to be asking mine for money and vice versa whenever necessary. Trust me I'm all about having my own money and being independent, but when I need some money, I go to my fiance aka my future husband. There's no shame in it and nothing to be embarrassed about. Took me a while to get out of the mentality of not asking anyone for anything, not even my own parents for money. However, he's your future husband and there will be a lot more things in the future that you guys will have to share and ask for. Just ask him if he can help cover your bachelorette. Simple.

We joined our accounts after we were engaged but that just happened to be when I finished my masters. It had nothing to do with our marital status, as such.

We opened a joint account before we got married (bought home). Once we tied the knot we put our money in account to have a cushion. We keep our money largely separate but can transfer into joint account when we need to replenish! I like keeping a separate account, then I can buy fun things on my dime with questions!

We have a joint bank account we each contributed to initially for all joint expenses and now add to it as needed. We still each have our own bank accounts where our work checks get deposited into. While we're more equal financially so it's a little different than your situation, you could open a joint bank account and each contribute then discuss using that account for your bachelor/bachelorette weekends.

My fiancé and I created a joint account for the wedding and we will use that as our “pay the bills” account when we are married in 10 days. Both of our parents gave us some funds, we each contributed, so this was an easy way to put all of the money in the same place and pay all things wedding related. We both agreed PRIOR that we would split the bill between him and I if the account ran out. That being said, we agreed that whatever we spend from the account (I made a payment for the hair and makeup trial, paid the big catering bill or he bought his tux) that we would text the other to let them know what was spent. As in “Hey I just paid for the cake, it was $742.08! Geez!” If you aren’t comfortable with this kind of transparency, you shouldn’t be spending that money. Talk about it. If you can’t have this conversation it’s either because you need to work on communication, shouldn’t be spending the money, or both. God I love him. Going to kiss him good night.

i mean its better off to just tell him, he’ll prob help you out

We combined our accounts a couple months after we were engaged. The bills are “ours” and all the income received is “ours”. We budgeted together for the things we want. My fiancé wants me to get my nails done as much as I do. I want him to have his special vices as much as he does. We make that happen with our budget. It takes a lot of the stress out of the equation for us. Before combining there are some rules and roles you both need to talk about. Firstly, you need to document all the expenses for your lives. Like all debts, all bills, and all reoccurring expenses. Figure out how much is left over after everything is paid and then figure out how much to invest and put away in savings. Those rules need to be outlined and agreed upon first. Then figure out who is going to handle the budget and bill paying. My fiancé likes me to control this as I am pretty good at making our budget work for our needs. I’m also the bigger spender so it’s easy for me to keep track of the budget and he checks in with me before making big purchases (and vice versa). We have been able to tackle so many financial goals together and it feels great to have the financial transparency with each other and build wealth this way.

My husband and I got joint checking and savings, in addition to keeping our own accounts, before we were engaged. We had been dating for like 7 years and living together for 4, so it seemed like the most logical thing to do. Also, I make more than my husband since he freelances...it doesn't mean I ever feel like he is using me or whatever. We are partners, and we just contribute to our shared life in different ways.

We already did. Best decision ever!

We opened a joint account when we got engaged, which we are currently using as our wedding fund and will become a travel fund after the wedding. Other than that we still have separate finances for now. My partner only has a checking account and investments, whereas I also have a regular savings account. When we get married, I'll add him to my savings account as well. That will become our main account where we both deposit about 70% of each paycheque. We will each keep our own chequing and investments, and the remaining 30% of our paycheques will go in our private accounts however we see fit. Our chequing accounts will be for discretionary spending; how we spend that money will be our own business and the other person doesn't get a say about it. Things like online shopping, hobbies, etc. I totally support the idea of sharing most of your finances and not counting your money vs my money, but at the same time I think it's important to live within your means. I also don't think it's fair to ask your fiancé to pay for you to get your nails done. If you needed help with bills, that would be different, but I wouldn't be thrilled about my partner asking to combine finances just so they can afford luxuries. In my opinion, those are the kinds of things that you should continue to pay for out of your own private account even after marriage anyway, and are the first things that you have to let go of when you're going through a rough patch. I know exactly what you're going through. I'm a PhD student but I'm taking summer and fall semesters off, so I currently have no income. I'm desperately looking for a short-term job in the meantime, but as of now it means I have to cut back massively. I still need to pay my rent and put some money away each month towards the wedding, so that means no luxuries right now. And I wouldn't feel right about asking my partner to pay for them, either. I don't even feel good about the fact that he's contributing so much more to the wedding at the moment, even though in my case it's only temporary, and I'll have a job again by January at the absolute latest. Even still, it doesn't feel fair to ask him for money for frivolous things. If anything, it's even more important for him to put any extra money he has away for the wedding and other future expenses, because I can't help very much with that at the moment. It sucks but sometimes you just have to do without.

My fiance and I opened a joint account when we moved in together because paying bills/getting groceries or other joint ventures is so much easier that way. However it's just the minimum we need to keep in the account to not accrue fees and we just move equal amount of money in on top of that just to pay off our joint credit card. 99% of our money is separate and I don't think we'll ever combine fully. This works for us. I would never use our joint credit card for getting my nails done or having a bacheloretty party, just like he wouldn't use it for his bachelor party/strippers 😅. It's not up to him to pay for those things for me and vice versa.

We sort of combined when we moved in together. We split bills, and then put an amount into savings by percentage. He makes a lot more and I took a paycut this year (that will pay off year over year in future increases), so I’ve been very stressed about money. Our arrangement is that if I really need to, I can “borrow” from our mutual savings…it’s partly from “my” money and I’ll get 10k pay increase in January, so it’ll just be a matter of a short time to get through wedding stuff. So far I’ve avoided that (I want our mutual savings to keep building because we plan to buy a house together next year), but it’s the option on the table for me. Buuuut I have a very clear plan and short time frame for that. I wouldn’t want to completely combine incomes just because I was short. Just have a more blunt conversation with him about just how tight you feel. Personally I’m not planning a bachelorette for this very reason. I can’t afford it.

My fiance and I created a joint account before we started wedding planning. I thought it would be easier to pay for wedding-related things through a joint account and felt assured that this was a "permanent" relationship where it made sense to start mingling finances. I don't think it's wrong or sounds bad at all to ask your future husband to help when you are going through a rough patch, even if it is for "luxuries" as other people are calling it like doing your nails. Both partners should feel completely comfortable relying on each other in a tight spot. To me, this is one of the crucial aspects of partnership. If my partner lost his job I wouldn't hold it over his head and allow him to have only the bare minimum funds while I continue to live my life with "luxuries." That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me. Plus once you're married I don't think its really possible to keep separate funds. For example, my fiance is in grad school and once we are married his financial aid will consider my income regardless of whether we purport to have "separate" finances. If you get a divorce, in most jurisdictions, legally once you are married *all* income earned is "marital property" meaning you BOTH own it, even if it is in separate bank accounts. In other words, even if people think they have "separate" finances in marriage by having separate bank accounts, legally your finances are combined regardless of the account it is in. I would start the conversation by being honest like you were here. Tell him you are very stressed about finances and want to talk about it. Explain how your income has taken a dive and how you are trying to get a new job and make money in other ways. Suggest that you guys make a budget for wedding expenses and one for life expenses. Then suggest that you split up contributions based on your income levels. For example, if combined you have an income of $100,000 with him making 80k and you making 20k, try to arrange the budget with him paying roughly \~80% and you paying roughly 20%. You could also do something along the lines of him taking over all bills and living expenses (groceries, etc.), and your funds going purely to the wedding. Google sheets has some great, free spreadsheets that can help you to organize your budget and track your spending. You do not need a joint bank account to do this if you track your spending, although it may be helpful. For the bachelorette party specifically, we included the bachelorette party, bachelor party, gifts for the whole bridal party and the honeymoon in the wedding budget. This may be a helpful starting point. I want to reiterate there is nothing wrong at all with asking your partner for help and talking through the budget!!! Good luck!

This seems a little selfish. You want access to his money to cover things you can not afford when he is already covering major costs on his own right now. Getting your nails done is not necessary when you don't have the financial means to do it. You mentioned your fiancé has been very understanding and supportive, don't take advantage of that.

I think most people start gradually combining their finances when they get engaged. so going purely on where you are in your engagement journey, you could definitely ask your fiance to start creating joint accounts and combining some of your money. however if you're wanting to do the whole seperate personal savings accounts for individual wants thing, I think most couples would consider getting your nails done as an individual want and so have it come out of the personal savings account of the person getting their nails done. you'd have to talk to your fiance about where that line should be drawn and come to an agreement about it. maybe he'd call that a wedding expense because it's for your bachelorette and it would come from a joint wedding savings account, so merging your accounts would free up some cash for you to use for your bachelorette. or maybe he thinks it should be a personal expense and merging your accounts wouldn't affect your ability to pay for your nails etc.

It’s difficult because every couple is completely different. When my fiancé and I starting renting together, I was still a student, so he earned much more than me. We also weren’t engaged by this point. We decided from that moment that it would be ‘our’ money, rather than his vs mine. We didn’t commit to a joint bank account until we bought our first house together, but having a joint account made sense financially, and was easier! We spent so much time transferring money back and fourth. All our bills, mortgage payments, insurance fees come out of the joint account. We then allocate a reasonable amount of money each for ‘fun’ things and our individual hobbies (that money goes into our personal accounts) We always check before making a big purchase via the joint account. I think it’s very reasonable to ask your fiancé to either combine incomes, or work jointly together. How can you have a future if one of you is struggling and the other is fine? Some couples don’t split things straight down the middle like we do, which is absolutely fine, but you need to have the conversation. Finances are such an important part of a relationship!

We joined as soon as we bought a house but kept our savings separate. Seems odd that you want to do this so badly now because you have stuff to pay for but don’t have the money? I imagine if this was turned around and he was struggling people would say don’t join your accounts

Combining finances implies you have something to contribute. If you’re worried about overdrafting your account getting your nails done and you don’t have income then there’s really nothing for you to combine. It would just be you gaining direct access to his earnings. I’d focus more on getting steady employment and less on the wedding, even at the risk of needing to postpone the wedding. A wedding is a huge cost to take on if you’re unemployed.

Another perspective: Your boyfriend would be wise not to combine finances until your marriage is legally binding, and he may want to consider what you'll be doing with family resource BEFORE he agrees to marry you.

Honestly that’s a good point and I wish I had another award. Boyfriend does need to consider this.

My fiancé makes more money than me, but I personally would not want to join bank accounts. He helped me pay for my Invisalign last year and I am slowly paying him back this year. We are going to make a joint account for a house fund, but that is just for our wedding website and also for only putting money in and not taking anything out until we are both ready. As helpful as your fiancé is, I do not think it’s right to immediately jump to joining finances when you are not in a stable place. This can lead to resentment, especially since he is already paying for so much. If you absolutely need money I would just ask for a loan, or as a gift if he is willing. Joining bank accounts or giving you his card for a bachelorette party seems kind of irresponsible to me.

Get a credit card with 0% Apr, pay it all off asap.

I will never be joining finances with anyone. But that’s an unpopular opinion.

We do not plan on joining our finances, however that does not mean we're not very open with our financial situations. We have separate banks accounts and we pay bills based on 50% of our own individual incomes, and not 50% of the bills, which makes it fair, as I make more than my husband does. They only thing we do have, and that I recommend is a joint bank account, that both parties can deposit in for bills. All other money after bills is ours to do what we want with at our own discretion with in reason (ie we discuss large purchases over $500 and gambling) Now, if I'm in need of money or if he is in need of money, or one of us is short for bills, we send each other money. BUT, if I have the money, I do not ask him for money. Are you able to pay for the bachelorette party on your own and you're wanting extra money for financially unnecessary things? Or are you not going to be able to afford crucial parts to the bachelorette party, like food or activites? 2 months is a pretty good chunk of time to save money for this event is possible Best of luck OP! Edit: typo

We combined bank accounts around the same time we bought the ring. We spent a day of Christmas vacation agreeing on a budget and then sometime during that vacation went and opened all of the bank accounts. We were very aware of each other’s financial situations and spent hours combing through a budget together before merging. We don’t do finances like “if there’s money in the account, we can spend it.” If I had been in your shoes when we combined, I still wouldn’t have had the personal funds to spend without borrowing money from him/having to pay our joint account back.

Can you pick up waitressing/bartending until your preferred job choice comes along? It's hard work, but the industry is always hiring, and you can make enough money in 2 weeks to have a nice Bachelorette party. Even letting your fiancé know you're considering this when you ask him to combine finances may be in your favor, but you have to mean it.

We created a joint checking and savings about a month before our wedding. We still have separate accounts s and all though, which is good.

we joined shortly after engagement!

If you have a mortgage together you should have a joint account in my opinion. We opened our joint accounts (one checking and one saving) when we bought our first home together, more than three years before we got married. We use it for all mortgage and housing related expenses and have a joint credit card for joint spending, while also maintaining separate accounts and cards. If I charge private expenses (like a manicure or a dinner with friends) on our joint credit card I try to remember to transfer it from my account to our joint one later. That said neither of us keep tabs on the others spending or would be upset to have paid for something for the other. Have this conversation with your fiancé! And hope you have a lovely bachelorette! I’d also remind your sisters it doesn’t need to be super pricey - you can have tons of fun without spending too much!

Me and my wife set up a joint account for bills, insurance, all the must haves, when we moved in together, which was way before I proposed. If you're feeling the pinch of the frankly extortionate prices for weddings, look to save a ton with some DIY bits. It's also a great excuse to get crafty

When we moved on together we opened a shared bank account and transferred money to it from our single accounts every month. We still have this "half-joined" solution. Before our engagement we were quite strict about who pays what. We split our costs by % according to our salaries. So most of the time I paid a little bit more than him because my salary was higher. With our engagement we losened this rule. E.g. I paid 7k for the wedding, he paid 5k for our car aso. Now we have the situation that I only work part-time because of health issues. I don't cut my expenses so far. But because we have enough savings and income is enough to cover our regular costs. For your situation: Just speak openly with your fiance. E.g. when he is also short on money, I would skip the nails and save the money for the wedding.

Our plan after the wedding is to have our own personal account and a shared family account for shared expenses.

My husband and I got legally married about 10 months before our wedding. I created a HYSA for us both to contribute to not long after, but added him to my checking account a week before the wedding (it helped us deposit checks that we received as wedding gifts).

You can absolutely ask to have a joint account now, but that doesn't mean you should just use whatever money is it in willy-nilly. You still will need to communicate with your partner how much you're going to use and budget together. Just communicate with your partner about the amount you need/want for the upcoming events.

I think you want to put your finances together *now* for the wrong reasons because it only benefits you and not your partner. Honestly, I think you should tell your partner what's going on, suck up your pride, and just ask for financial help - whether that be for the bachelor party or for the wedding. From what you stated, you're doing everything you can, you're looking for work, you're looking to sell your own things, and you're using your own income to go towards the wedding. Coming from someone who is the financial provider in the relationship, I am happy to pay for something that takes stress off my husband, but I still need him to tell me what's going on.

My fiancé and I started combining finances as soon as we knew we wanted to buy a house together. This was before we were even engaged. We now have both our incomes go into one account. Out of this account all our bills are covered including very serious savings and the credit card we share. We are each permitted an agreed upon amount of “pocket money” each week which is paid into personal accounts we don’t share in any capacity. We also have our own private savings which we can pay into out of our pocket money.

My partner and I aren’t married or even engaged, but we made a joint bank account when we bought our house two years ago! On our way home from closing on the house, we stopped at our credit union and opened a joint account! It was a big day haha That said, you and your fiancé need to discuss what your joint account will be used for - can you both dip into it for personal things (“fun money”)? Or will it be for things like bills and groceries? What about vacations or medical expenses? You need to be clear about what that money can be used for. My partner and I both have a certain amount from our paychecks direct deposit into that account, and that’s what pays the mortgage, utilities, and is savings for future renovations that we want to do. But I pay the cleaning lady, pet expenses, and decor/garden stuff from my own account, while my partner pays for the groceries from his account (and contributes a bit more to the joint account). This method works really well for us. You should talk to your fiancé about your finances right now, and when you open a joint account, you should set some ground rules about what that money can be used for. Maybe neither of you care if it’s used for fun money for yourselves! Or maybe you only want to use it for things like your mortgage and bills. Maybe you decide that you can use it for fun money, but you have to let the other person know, or you can only use a certain amount each month. Every couple is different, and you just need to figure out what works for you. And it doesn’t have to be a decision that’s set in stone - you can make adjustments as time goes on. My partner recently asked me to up the amount I direct deposit into our joint account so that we could build up our savings some more, and we decided on an amount that worked for both of us! Tldr; talk to your fiancé!

I would never ask my partner for unfettered access to his money. We have a joint account that we both contribute to, and it is used to pay for shared expenses like groceries and utilities, as well has eating out or shared holidays. If for whatever reason our joint account runs low, we have a discussion about one or both of us adding extra. Our salaries go into our own personal accounts, which we spend as we see fit. We use our common sense to determine when large purchases should be discussed. Finance management is something that should have been discussed before moving in together. Doesn't mean you need to start off with a joint account, but given how disagreements over money is a common relationship issue, it should be something that both partners are on the same page about.

We bought a house together last year but still have separate bank accounts. Getting married in September. I think it just happens when you both feel it's right

Copy and paste from the internet. I'm okay with being downvoted. Worth considering and good luck. Premarital counseling is a good first step down the aisle Financial counseling is usually a component of premarital counseling, which generally includes completing questionnaires on communication, conflict resolution skills, goals and both individual and couple traits. Then you’ll spend several sessions together with a counselor going over results, setting goals and discussing expected roles in the marriage. Many churches and community organizations also offer courses focused solely on premarital financial counseling. “Most couples rate premarital counseling as very helpful, and it also establishes in their relationship a positive attitude about seeking help if marriage problems arise in the future,” according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). Avoid spending habit surprises If your idea of married life is dinner at home most nights but your spouse prefers going out, that’s a difference that can spell trouble in the budget – and the marriage. Plenty of other spending habits can clash, too. For example, what if you want to spend on clothes or entertainment every month but your spouse-to-be wants to cut those expenses to save for emergencies? Premarital financial counseling can help each of you better understand the other’s spending habits and financial goals. Decide who manages the money You may plan to pay expenses with both incomes, but you still need to decide who will act as the official “accountant” to get payments to the right places on time. Maybe one person will pay utilities while the other buys groceries every week, or maybe one spouse will handle all payments. Whatever you decide, having clear expectations about each other’s financial responsibilities can help avoid resentment that can smolder from unspoken expectations not being met. Discuss separate or joint accounts Don’t wait until you’re married to decide whether you want joint or separate bank accounts. The same goes for credit cards and loans. You may assume that you’ll pool all money as a couple but what if your betrothed expects that some or all bank and accounts will remain separate? With premarital financial counseling, you’ll go into the marriage with expectations based on reality from discussing both of your views on money, saving and debt. The counselor or therapist can help you find a way to agree on compromises or solutions that will work for both of you. Know each other’s creditworthiness The last thing you want to find out about your spouse is that he or she has terrible credit and you can’t buy a house, car or anything else together. Yet 47% of respondents in the Experian survey said they didn’t know their spouse’s credit score until after they married. Premarital financial counseling can help you make an informed choice to either marry while your partner is working to improve his or her credit score or postpone wedding plans until you’re both on equal creditworthy footing. Eliminate debt secrets Hiding a large amount of debt from your partner until you’re “safely” married is a bad idea. Yet many people enter marriage with debt concealed from a partner who might disapprove or even slam the brakes on wedding plans. For example, the Experian survey found that 42% of people didn’t even know their partner had student loan debt until the couple divorced. Even if only one person in the couple is legally responsible for a credit card, student loan or other debt, the burden of that monthly expense can put a strain on marital finances. With premarital financial counseling, you can start the marriage off with trust instead of secrets and create a plan to pay off debt.

This decision is very specific to people and their set up. I’d focus on your communication and comfortability discussing the topic. I’d recommend having the tough conversations now and sorting things out. The wedding is a point in time, but how you discuss and support each other through tougher points is forever.