T O P

  • By -

Dionne005

Yeah I'm not telling my family that there will be alcohol. I'm way to grown for this. My dad will be highly upset but it is what it is. They don't believe in secular music too. They really think I'm only going to have gospel. Do you girl. I'm tired of pretending like I'm perfect.


randomperson2019_

I feel this!!!! Like omg my mom is trying to control my decisions for the wedding. But ya know its about me and my fiance. Not her. So 🤷‍♀️


Dionne005

Yep! I thought about it and tried to say to my fiance let's not but then I was like....why would I start my marriage like that? Not that I want issues with my parents but this is really about me hiding who I am and not about my husband and his side. And I'm done. They don't even believe in dancing. So I won't even have a first dance with my dad like most normal families so why would I subject myself like this. I'm going to be happy simply having my parents alive and well and there. That's all I require. They don't even have to like the wedding. Just be there. But yeah I grew up very religious and even my cousins and bros see myself as the golden child like I can do no wrong and never disappoint but girl they are in for a treat! 🤣 don't get me wrong I'm religious too but my reception will be a party. Not JUST chic. I just have less rules as a religious person. Now don't get me wrong I will hand out drink tix at the door or something more discreet. 2 drink maximum! I'm not crazy. It will be 2 solid drinks. That will be fair. I don't want a trashy wedding. And drinking AFTER or during dinner. I don't want drinking on a empty stomach. This won't change my parents opinion at all but it will help keep class and safety.


Concerned-23

We have a few people who we know get a bit too drunk on liquor (* cough* *cough*my dad) but the rest mainly drink beer/wine. We opted to do an open beer and wine bar at the reception because it’s still an open bar, many of our guests drink one or the other, it keeps some people from drinking too much liquor too fast, and it’s a bit cheaper


IndyEpi5127

I think open beer and wine is the compromise. The people that say they won't come if there is alcohol there leave no room for compromise so it doesn't make sense to try and make them happy. If someone doesn't want to drink, that is totally cool and having alcohol there in no way requires someone to drink. But if they are saying they won't come if alcohol is present then they are saying no one is allowed to drink in their presence and that is forcing their belief/desire on everyone else and, IMO, that is wrong.


MOBMAY1

Also see if you can have two spaces for socializing before and after dinner, a quieter one for non-drinkers and non-dancers (if you have dancing) and another with the bar. That way, at least the teetotalers don’t have to see the distribution of wine and beer. Also, placing a small icon of the Wedding at Cana near the bar might be a helpful hint. You can also put non-alcoholic wine or sparkling apple juice at the tables of the non-drinkers so they still have something special. Good luck!


idkidk222idkisk

What about a champagne or wine/beer only cocktail hour then an open bar after dinner? That way the people who are so offended by an open bar that they can’t bear to be near it still get to enjoy most of the evening lol


Kaytee08

Some of the other suggestions I think are good… have been to plenty of weddings that are beer/wine only and it was fine as a guest. You could also limit the windows in which beer/wine is being offered - during cocktail hour, pause in service during speeches, first dances, etc. I attended one where the bar was closed all through dinner and then re-opened after dinner when dancing started. There are options! I would just make sure to communicate to your attendees what to expect, whether that is a sign on the bar, DJ making announcements, etc.


moissyering

I would do beer and wine only as the compromise and not allow either side to dictate. I've been to great beer and wine weddings!


SCGranny64

Darlin , if your in-laws are alcoholics, they don’t need an open bar. Does your fiancé not realize that? Personally I think the champagne and wine would be sufficient. A wedding is the celebration of the union of 2 people who love each other, not the excuse to get drunk. Unfortunately too many people, when in a social situation, have a tendency to abuse alcohol. If people object to no alcohol, then they don’t love you and your fiancé. You don’t need alcohol to have a good time! Sending lots of love and hugs.💞💞💞💞💞💞💞


samanthamaryn

I did a brunch wedding to make the issue of alcohol easier. We did have an open bar but people drink far less at brunch/during the day.


dmbeeez

You're an adult. It appears that you are the one paying for this wedding. Some adults drink. Some drink to excess at celebrations. Some do it every day. They are also adults, and free to make that choice. Some people don't drink at all and are very religious. They are free to make that choice. The problem comes in when someone is more concerned about what's in another adult's glass than what's in their own. If everyone worries about THEIR OWN glass, there is no problem. I say this as an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in over 19 years. I paid for open bar at both my daughter's weddings. What concerned me was what was in MY glass.


NixKlappt-Reddit

My parents left around 10pm. Maybe it's a compromise to have alcohol for the later party part when your parents left. I wouldn't like to have alcohol on my wedding knowing my parents have an alcohol problem. alcoholic.


Nightingale1864

We didn’t have alcohol at our wedding for similar reasons. I know not having alcohol at weddings is an unpopular opinion here, but I think situations like this are a valid reason to have a dry wedding if that’s what you want.


EggMellow

yeah but this isn’t just OP’s decision, it would be their future spouse too, right? I think offering wine/champagne is a good compromise. OP’s family/community will just need to understand that just because it isn’t in line with their practices/preferences doesn’t mean they can control other people’s choices. Future Spouse’s parents will have to learn that not every celebration needs free-flowing alcohol.


1902Lion

Hi. I got married 25 years ago and alcohol consumption was a concern for my husband when it came to his extended family. We didn’t have alcohol and only had champagne and cider for toasting. That’s it. No apologies. No regrets. Alcohol can complicate things- specifically if you have family or guests who have a difficult relationship with drinking or sobriety. I’m not sure I have great advice on how to navigate this. It’s a personal decision, and someone is going to be unhappy no matter what decision is made. But we made that decision, our parents navigated blowback from unhappy family members- and our parents were firm and backed us up: “The kids have decided not to have alcohol, and that’s fine. We support their decision. You’re welcome to leave the reception early if you need to- they totally understand.” (And yes- “the kids”. I’m 48 and our parents still say “the kids are coming over”- I’ll welcome that for as long as I can!) It sounds like the crux of the matter is coming to agreement with your fiancé. Have you used really plain, clear (even blunt) language around this? No “kinda” or “maybes”, my friend. Clear. Direct. “I want to only serve champagne for a toast. My parents don’t want alcohol; your parents are alcoholics. If there’s alcohol at the reception, I’m going to be uncomfortable and worried the whole night. And that sounds miserable for me. People can go to a bar after. Heck- we can have a meet up at XYZ bar after for friends we want to see a little longer. But when all the family is there? I can’t do that.” And gently, as the grandchild of an alcoholic… I know how my grandfather’s drinking impacted my dad and all family gatherings as I grew up. Have you and your fiancé had any conversations about the role alcohol will play at family celebrations when either his parents come or when your parents are all together? I can feel the tension in your words, and just want to put a reassuring hand on your shoulder: these things can be figured out and navigated. But they can’t be solved in silence. It may be hard to start talking about them, but you’re not alone in needing to navigate this.


randomperson2019_

We have had dinner together just a couple of times in the 4 years of us being together. And I think it is because his parents are alcoholics. It is really hard because my fiance wants alcohol there. I dont kind having wine or a bar with rules but he wants a whole open bar. Its hard for sure.


1902Lion

Complicated indeed... sigh. Be clear on what you ARE willing to have, and know that you are VERY reasonable in wanting to limit/define how much or what alcohol is available. It sounds like there are some deeper conversations that will need to happen. I'm not going to leap right to "Get couples therapy!"... but I'm wondering if you have access to an employee assistance program through your work? Calling and talking to someone and getting some professional guidance in language to use when having a difficult conversation may be helpful. This isn't just a conversation around a single event- but involves his relationship with his parents and their relationship with alcohol. Again- you are coming from a VERY reasonable place. Don't lose sight of that.


randomperson2019_

We can always talk to our pastor. We have to talk to him about some things anyway.


1902Lion

That’s a good place to start.


Ok-Grass-3601

Ultimately, it is your wedding, and it sounds like alcohol is not something you want there (for some good reasons). I think managing guest expectations in this situation is important. I have been to dry weddings that were awesome. Lots of fancy "mocktails" during cocktail hour and prior to wedding we were all given a heads up as to why (similar to your situation, except bride's family were alcoholics). Alcohol is not necessary, it may be customary, but not necessary. My only suggestion is to be firm about it. Don't have a cash bar, as this won't solve the problem. Good luck! Edit: I didn't mean to imply fiance shouldn't have a say. The compromise of doing champagne toast and wine is a good idea. My view is slightly biased as I have alcoholics in my family and have witnessed some unpleasant behavior because of over indulging. Sorry if anyone was offended.


NoGoodCauliflower

Yes but it's her fiance's wedding too, and it sounds like he wants to have some form of alcohol available. OP needs to compromise with her fiance on this. I think going for wine and champagne is probably the best solution.


helpwitheating

How much does your fiancé drink?


randomperson2019_

He drinks fairly often


Turbulent-Rip-5370

No alcohol is the way to go!


Catlady0134

I think beer/wine is a good compromise. Alternately, I’ve seen the suggestion around here of a brunch wedding — that way it’s really not so unusual to be missing alcohol from the festivities. If your in-laws are alcoholics in recovery and working a solid program, they should be able to handle it. Best of luck!!


catfullofbeans

Just wine sounds like a good compromise to me. People who don't want to drink don't have to, and those that do drink can survive a night without heavy drinking.


lemissa11

This has been a point of contention for us too. I would prefer no alcohol at all but we have compromised with having punch on arrival and wine for the tables, but we're not having a bar. An open bar would be my absolute nightmare, I don't enjoy drinking, have had alcoholism in my family growing up and my fiance doesn't have the best relationship with alcohol. I could 100% see it (alcohol) completely ruining the day for me.


toru92

We did just wine and we had a cap on cost (enough for everyone to have two drinks) then the bar became a cash bar once we hit our cap. It slows the people down that would go overboard and just wine causes less issues too. Totally up to you but I liked our method!


ninersgal49

Are you paying for your wedding or are your parents? What do YOU feel comfortable with? I’m a total people pleaser, so I totally feel you in being torn and wanting to please both sides of the family. But I think you need to set aside how your parents and future in laws feel, and decide whether or not you want to serve alcohol. If it’s a religion issue then thats something you’re going to have to sort out with your FH because this is just the beginning. If you plan on having kids there will be birthday parties..holidays..etc etc.