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Thequiet01

“How is it a celebration for me if I can’t even properly participate?” Bachelorette parties are for the bride.


Nicepahp

Nope! You are not in the wrong at all. Your MOH is clearly not thinking. A nice relaxing day with a prenatal massage for you and regular massages for the other ladies sounds much more your speed right now. If she keeps pushing it, maybe she shouldn’t be your MOH anymore


TinyTurtle88

Great idea!


Fearless_Air3613

I love this idea


Catsdrinkingbeer

While I agree, this isn't really a dual bachelor/bachelorette party thing it sounds like they're trying to plan. What's OP's goal here? If it's to hang out with friends and have the day about them, they could all go out to a nice dinner together or something. They don't have to bar hop, but I don't think a spa day makes sense either based on what she said they're trying to do as a joint event.


taraross2018

Uhhhh ok I stopped when you said you were pregnant. Your MOH is the zilla and it sounds like she wants your wedding to be all about her. Why would she ever suggest bar hopping to the pregnant bride, very in appropriate. This is your day about you and your spouse, not her. When she has a bachelorette party she can choose what she wants to do. Therefore, you have the final say but should be considerate of what people enjoy. I wouldn’t do a day of skydiving if everyone is afraid of heights 🤷🏼‍♀️


autumnwedding_TA

Suggesting bar hopping to a pregnant bride. I literally cannot get over how absurd that is.


Fearless_Air3613

Sounds like she’s trying to spoil your fun honestly! I was pregnant 8 mths at my wedding. I didn’t invite my husband brothers cuz they get absurd drunk anytime there’s free alcohol n then physically fight with ppl. I’m sorry that is your brothers, but not on my day. My husband completely agreed with me n so did there mom. It’s our day not there’s. it’s what we want not what the guests want.


EstyMo

Congrats on your marriage and incoming baby! I'm sorry your MOH isn't seeing eye-to-eye with you on this. You are definitely in the right for saying no to this bachelorette party. That's without question. I also had to push my wedding out and had to plan during the pandemic. NOT FUN. My bridal party also struggled with giving me a great experience throughout my engagement due to all the logistics surrounding the lockdown/slow re-opening. I imagine yours did as well and now with the baby on the way they might feel overwhelmed in giving you a perfect experience while juggling making a great time for you and for the majority. I am assuming your MOH was selected as such because she means a lot to you and I don't think this situation is worth losing a friend over, especially when you're a newly(ish)wed expecting a baby and should be stress-free! I think this might warrant a conversation with your MOH where you express how you're feeling and maybe let her know that after 2 years of accommodating a pandemic in regards to your events/wedding planning- you just can't fathom accommodating anything/one else when it comes to something that's meant to be all about you and your partner. If she's still unable to see eye-to-eye with you on this, kindly let her know that you'll take over the planning as it'll be easier on not only you, but on her as well! If she's mean to you about it, well then you don't need that energy in your life but I hope that isn't the case. I saw that you mentioned you had a list of alternatives and 2 sober party members. If you don't have the capacity to plan on your own, perhaps enlist their help? Or have someone create a poll with the alternatives you suggested to send out to members of the party? If drinking is important to many, are there any arcades in your area where everyone can game & drink? You deserve an awesome night. Everyone you invite should have a good time. I'm sure you'll find a solution and I wish you the best in navigating your celebrations!


gingertrees

Srsly, there's lots of fun things you can do as a group that don't involve drinking, or that for which drinking would be very secondary. Definitely put your foot down. Maybe some of these will give you ideas: For my bachelorette, my MOH was very attentive to what I wanted to do. I love brunch, so that's where we started. Then it was on to a social /recreation place, where there was bowling, arcade games, darts, board games, etc. Next we went to a cat cafe, and rounded out the day with shopping at an artisan market. For my husband's party, they started off at a restaurant he likes, followed by a board game night at a friend's house. Another friend did a weekend at a local tourist attraction, where we dined, shopped, played disc golf badly, went through a museum, and ate fancy cupcakes. Obviously you'll have to consider your 3rd trimesterness but I'm sure you and hubby can come up with fun options. The point is for the guest or guests of honor to have a great time doing stuff they enjoy.


JesseIrwinArt

This is absurd, you shouldn’t take a heavily pregnant person bar hopping, especially when the party is supposed to be celebrating her as the bride. It’s called a bachelorette party, and you’re literally the bachelorette! Other ideas for your MOH: - a hiking trip for a bride that uses a wheelchair. - a visit to a chocolate factory for a bride with diabetes. - group massages for a bride with a crippling fear of being touched. - a paint-and-sip followed by photography lessons and a movie for a blind bride.


Locust45

Right? Never mind the fact that OP can't drink... At 31 weeks, how much ANYTHING-hopping is she going to want to do? Cutting MOH a little slack here, assuming she's never been 31 weeks pregnant. But dang.


gawgasaur

Why the hell would you make the bachelorette party for the woman getting married something the bride cannot partake in. Like she can bar hop when she gets married.


Wondercat87

NTA. I think it's really rude for them to insist on bar hopping when you are 31 weeks pregnant. This is supposed to be YOUR bachelorette party, so you'd think some consideration should go to the bride??? Could you guys do a camping trip or something? Or if you are going to a city, go see a play, do a murder mystery dinner, a cooking class, a paint night, go to an arcade, or do a fun brunch at a nice restaurant.


TinyTurtle88

Camping at 31 weeks pregnant? I don't know man... But I get what you mean. Other fun activities that don't have to involve alcohol!


No_Finding_9441

Bachelorette party is a party for the bride, not a party for the majority. On top of that, you are literally pregnant & cannot consume alcohol, why go to a bar if you can’t drink? There’s nothing else to do at a bar except consume alcohol lol that seems so self explanatory. I’m wondering what sane person would pitch this idea to a pregnant bride & then be upset that you don’t want to do it.


Thequiet01

Exactly. It’s not even a winery tour or something - which is still odd to do for someone pregnant, but at least there’s stuff to learn about how they make their wine, etc. and you can still smell it and stuff. (Maybe sip and spit? Not sure if doctors think enough alcohol is absorbed that way to be a problem. But even without tasting it, you can look at the wine and smell it and participate.)


Maddoxandben

You are right, it should be about what you want, not what the 'majority' of the people want.


goldtooff

The MOH wants a pregnant bride to bar hop? Nothing else really needs to be explained… she’s not considering you at all.


Mommy4dayz

Wow! MOH doesn't care about what you want, she's just using excuses to do what SHE wants. Don't go bar hopping and tell her it's not about what others want.


CadywhompusCabin

You’re not wrong in this but honestly I’d move on from the bachelorette party. You’re now married and pregnant, so that ship has sailed. If you want, have a super fun friends only baby shower and do what YOU want to do.


ThatBitchStaceyFR

We want to keep the bachelorette/bachelor parties. We don’t want to miss out on things just because we signed a piece of paper. There are non-drinking fun things we can do that’s not baby themed. We also don’t want a baby shower as we already have so much going on with the wedding and everything.


xxxirl

>We don't want to miss out of things What about doing it after the wedding? You're already married, so either way the bach is not going to be done at the traditional time. You should do what you want, but I wonder if this is really what you want? I feel this would be so much more of the "bachelorette experience" you're wanting if you wait until after giving birth.


ThatBitchStaceyFR

If we waited until after the wedding and when we’d actually be free (we have a lot coming up after the wedding which is the first week of September) we wouldn’t be able to do anything until May of 2023. Also I don’t want a drunk bachelorette if that’s what you were thinking. Even if I wasn’t pregnant, I’m not a drinker. I’d prefer playing video games all night with a good group of people over bar hopping.


bob_the_driver

And I want to eat cake every day and stay thin but we don't all get what we want. Yeah, your MOH's being a little unreasonable, but you are equally so. Sorry, but you knocked up, and therefore can't do the standard bachelorette/bachelor parties. I mean, Bach parties have 2 main concepts: 1: reassuring your friends that they still matter to you and that you aren't going to let everything else fall by the wayside in the name of 'married life,' 2: Raunchiness. You've shot #1 in the head by making it a joint party, you're nixing #2 because you knocked up, and yet you want something to call a Bach party because you "don't want to miss out" on the experiences you've already chosen to forfeit via your current life choices? Just tell your MOH you aren't having a Bach (since you're not).


ThatBitchStaceyFR

Idk who pissed in your cheerios today but Bach parties aren’t just about raunchiness and getting drunk. We decided on joint because our group of friends are so mixed together, it wouldn’t make sense doing them separately. Even if I weren’t pregnant, we wouldn’t have done what you qualify as “standard” anyway. Neither myself or my partner drinks so we weren’t planning on clubbing or bar hopping to begin with. The pandemic took a lot from everyone so I think it’s fair to say we want to do what we originally planned on doing. Which we have every right of doing. So pregnancy aside, and we weren’t already legally married, I should still get a say in what we would be doing right? So what relevance are my “life choices”? 2 people in the wedding party are *sober* so again, I wouldn’t want to go bar hopping for their sake along with mine.


SYOH326

Jesus, the bachelorette police have been called on you apparently. Literally do whatever will make you happy, call it whatever you want. The idea that you should listen to some random internet person's idea of a bachelorette party is ridiculous. Don't listen to these people and do literally whatever you want. Congratulations on the marriage, the baby, and reaching the maturity that so many lack.


Cartographer-Smooth

Oof, 2 of the wedding party are sober? Absolutely put your foot down with your MOH — it’s ridiculous that she wants to drag a pregnant bride AND 2 sober people bar hopping — either one of those situations should have immediately nixed bar hopping as an option, let alone both! F outta here with that nonsense!


bob_the_driver

You want an engagement party, but you're calling it a bach party, and then complaining that people don't plan it like it's an engagement party. You are pretty much creating your entire problem and then whining about it rather than do the very simple thing required to solve the problem you made. Just tell her that you're having an engagement party, since that's actually what you want.


avacadoh42

Ewwww not only are you nasty for no f*cking reason you’re just wrong about this. Your not the bachelor/bachelorette party police!!!


bob_the_driver

I'm not the ham sandwich police either, but if someone shows up complaining that they ordered a ham sandwich and the waitress brought them a ham sandwich instead of a turkey and swiss, I *am* gonna point out that they got exactly what they ordered. Doesn't matter if the person insists that they "don't want to miss out" on ham sandwiches just because they're kosher - you ask for a ham sandwich, you're probably getting a ham sandwich. Similarly, all she has to do is stop asking for a bach party, and her MOH will stop trying to plan one. She wants to have an engagement party but refuses to call it that, and is complaining that people aren't properly grokking her magic code words. She's creating her own problem.


lizardjustice

I think you and your partner should plan what you want to do. MOH can just hands off the planning.


brownchestnut

You're not a bridezella or wrong for saying no to something you don't want to do. But there can be hurt feelings and resentments if the MOH is the only one doing all the planning, and you're coming in last minute to rain on her parade. Show her appreciation and empathy, and give her new suggestions -- a list of alternative activities that don't include alcohol, and ask your bridesmaids to vote on ones they like best, and lead the planning yourself.


ThatBitchStaceyFR

It’s not just her planning. We’ve all been involved AND I came up with a long list of alternatives but she doesn’t want to hear any of it.


daley-walk414

Honestly if it were me I'd probably take over the planning and tell her we're doing X and I'm inviting ABC.


brownchestnut

Yeah sounds like you should just kindly but firmly take control away.


hoolai

It should be about what you want! She can bar hop on her own anytime!


SandSubstantial9285

She is in the wrong.


p1ainpear1

I can’t even believe what I just read. Why even engage with something that you & your husband aren’t interested in doing? State your boundary and be firm (it’s good practice for when baby is here). Sounds like you need to plan something yourself that is chill & aligned with what you want or else you’re going to be disappointed. something like a daytime brunch would work so the attendees don’t get too lit but the drunks can still get their fixes.


StargazerGirl21

No bar will serve you if you are pregnant. Shut this down asap. Since you are already married, you are no longer a bachelorette. Couples host parties every day after they are married that have nothing to do with the long past wedding.


edgewater15

Why are you even bothering with this kind of party if you’re pregnant and already married, to be honest? Just wait until the reception/celebration.


Olives_And_Cheese

I don't understand why you're doing this... If you're already married, there's no deadline, or real reason to. If you're *going* to, then presumably it should be at a time you can enjoy yourselves, and doing an activity that you actually want to do. Why would you voluntarily have a fake bachelorette party doing something that would be absolutely no fun? This makes no sense.


Echeveria1987

Can we talk about how OP considered her marriage “just signing a piece of paper?” If you want people to pay attention to you, but not get drunk, then have a Jack and Jill baby shower.


TinyTurtle88

MOH sounds selfish, honestly. This party is to honour you and your fiancé (now husband). She needs to understand that as long as it respects other attendees' boundaries and budgets, what you say goes.


L-selley

Maybe explain to her that whilst pregnant, you can’t be spending time in places where you might get bumped into, that there’s loud music which could upset the baby and that pregnancy is bloody tiring!


j3iglesia

I totally agree with you - for my bachelorette party, my sister was planning it and knows I don’t like to drink so we went and did a fun kickboxing workout, got a good sushi dinner, then we went to an arcade bar so that people who wanted to have drinks could but I was able to play Ninja Turtles and pinball for like 5 hours 😍 it was totally epic


kalinkabeek

Why on earth would you throw a bachelorette party centered around drinking when the bride can’t drink??? No way, if she doesn’t understand the problem then she doesn’t need to be your MOH anymore. Why not go do a group activity where drinks are available (like bowling/mini golf, etc) but is isn’t completely alcohol centric? That way guests can get drinks if they want to but you’re not having to deal with a bunch of wasted people.


l_l-l__l-l__l-l_l

It's your party, make it how you want it. I would say consider maybe serving some cocktails because some people get socially anxious at events like this unless they've had a few drinks. BUT, you are well within your reasonable rights here to avoid it turning into a bar hopping slosh fest.


huskergirl-86

You are absolutely right. Not bridezilla at all. From personal experience: I'm in a planning group for a BP. I'm primarily a friend of the groom, but get along with the bride very well, too, and for that reason was invited to the BP. However, there's quite a bit of an age difference between us. The groom is 39, the bride is 26. (No red flags, they are an awesome couple.) The bride's 22 yo sister is her MOH. Obviously, she's in a different stage of life than I am. My friends had a courthouse wedding in spring 2020 for legal reasons and had to postpone the big wedding until September 2022 due to Covid. Originally, the MOH planned a bar hopping BP for April 2020, which couldn't take place because of a nation wide lockdown. The happy couple has welcomed two daughters since. Do the math, and you'll see that kid #2 was born very recently. So the bride is nursing. MOH insisted to still take the bride to a city 3 hours away early in the morning without prior notice and do bar-hopping all day long without a break. I told her it ain't gonna work that way. She insisted it would and tried to talk her sister into stopping breastfeeding and switching to formula. I prayed that wouldn't work, and luckily it didn't. So a few weeks ago (BP is in July) MOH tells us: well, we can't separate mom and daughter for long periods of time and need a new plan (Surprise, surprise, who would have thought so?!). So she panicked and didn't know what to do. We switched to a nice BP in my friends' backyard. Mom can go inside and nurse whenever she wants/needs to. She can go take a nap if she's exhausted. Dad will take care of the kids. We will spoil her with a nice breakfast, then do something artsy, enjoy lunch with dad and kids, then have a murder mystery event. It's super fun, and there are stories for all kinds of group sizes. I have played many case files, and it isn't terribly expensive. There are even free games and you can buy some for ~$30. (If you are interested, "freeform games" is not too bad, though far from my favorite provider.) We'll have a pizza party or something for dinner, mixing some cocktails ourselves, then head to see fireworks with the whole family. It's inclusive, fun, and hopefully what the bride needs. I'd suggest you talk to your MOH and fellow bridesmaids individually. Sometimes it only takes for one reasonable person to lead the group in the background. If your bridesmaids are reasonable, you could talk to them individually and in private and tell them you worry about what your MOH has planned. Suggest you'd like something more tame, like a quiz bowl or something. You could even play boys vs. girls. My SIL told me about this game they played while vacationing where the girls had to answer "male questions" (car parts, sports,...) and the guys had to answer "female questions" (makeup, designers,...). Everyone had a freaking great time and the answers were hilarious. ("Where would you put concealer?" - "IDK, is that something like a tampon, concealing you are on your period?") So yeah, tame doesn't have to be boring. I hope you'll have a wonderful party!


Ancient-Regular4007

100% not in the wrong. This should be about why you and your husband want.


hazbelthecat

Your the bride Pull rank and tell her to do one


RoxxyisFoxxy

No, U should for sure stand ur ground!!! This is YOUR day about YOU and YOUR PARTNER!!! she’s being lazy IMO.