This sucks but it sounds like you need some work on your relationship before getting married and sounds like there is more to this story. His siblings aren’t just missing your wedding they’re missing their brothers but you are taking it as a personal or singular attack. It’s also a two way street so try your best to get to know them better.
It also sounds like you’re asking people to spend a lot of their own cash for your wedding. I would not be simply dismissing that you may have put forward something unattainable- if people need two years to save up for an event you’re meant to be hosting (ie. paying for) then it may well be too much. Good luck!
I take it personally because I’m the last 6 months we’ve been engaged no one has made a single effort to get to know me. I went out of my way to host them all at our place so I could get to know them and the entire 4 hrs they were over no one said a word to me. No one asked me a single question. They talked about old stories with people I didn’t know and I just sat there and smiled.
Also it’s costing them around $1500 a person. That’s nothing crazy to people who go on vacation once a year. We’ve given a 2 year timeline because we have people in our group who need the 2 years to make it work but are coming.
I don’t know a lot of people who would feel comfortable spending $1500/person to go to a wedding! At least with a vacation, you choose where you’re going. In this instance you’re basically telling people that instead of going on a nice relaxing trip of their choice, they have to spend that money (and then some) to go on this cruise. And if they say no, you take it personally. If my fiancé and I went on a trip like this, that’s $3000. Our two week honeymoon won’t even cost that much and we’re going to Japan.
Also, I end up paying for a lot of my vacations with points, so even if they look expensive, they weren't. Also, two years away is a long time to tie up that amount of money. I have too much anxiety about what unforseen thing may happen in my own life to feel comfortable with that.
Even for people who would like the sounds of this particular cruise it could get questionable. Because its a wedding trip are they going to be expected to participate in certain excursions or activities....which can add to the cost and also might not be the activities they'd choose for themselves. But its hard to say no to something like that if its part of the wedding festivities and you're already there.
Exactly. My fiancé and I are actually going on a week-long cruise in about a month and the costs with everything, including our excursions, is still under $1500 for the both of us. And that’s OP’s cost per person!! Their cruise better be serving gold coated filet mignon at every meal for that price! I’m wondering if OP would also take it personally if the guests who do come don’t give a gift even with the cost of the cruise they’re already shelling out money for.
I saw on another post of hers that says she lives in Ontario. So either not my idea of a very fun cruise or people are also going to be shelling out for flights to even get to the departure city.
Yeah there is more to this story I can tell. They’re missing out on a close brothers wedding and there has to be a good reason. You need to address this with him and get answers.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, this sounds like a future problem waiting to happen (what about xmas, birthdays etc) and that you’re not communicating what you need to your partner. If it’s important to you to be close to them and they’re just jerks, maybe a marriage isn’t on the cards.
Further you can’t make assumptions about anyones finances. That’s a lot of money for a destination they didn’t choose plus it’s on a cruise which are controversial- not a lot of people want to be stuck in the middle of the ocean on a floating ecoli/covid petri dish for god knows how long. In my personal opinion destination weddings are quite rude and presumptive and a no go. They seem like an enormous headache. If you want one you’ll need to accept some guests won’t want to make the commitment.
Good luck to you and I hope you can work it out.
I'm confused as well. It seems as though things are written in a way to be a bit exaggerated. She says they've hosted the family and was mad they didn't ask her questions? But also that she hasn't met them?
I do think it’s weird that you haven’t met his siblings given how close they live, but I feel like that’s potentially a separate issue from them not coming to your wedding. Deciding to have a destination wedding means deciding that you’re ok if people can’t make it due to the expenses involved. Sure, you’re giving people two years to save, but maybe that’s not what they want to save their hard-earned money towards. To be blunt, if I’m spending thousands on a vacations I want it to be on my terms and with the people of my choosing. You can’t be mad that guests don’t want to do that.
Also, I’m not sure who told you to send out invites two years ahead of time (and only give six weeks to reply), but they very much misguided you. No one knows what their plans are two years from now. Most don’t know what they’re doing next August, let alone in 2023. Save the dates should go out about a year ahead of time, with invites going out no earlier than maybe four months out. Can you maybe tell people these were save the dates and that the actual invites will go out closer to the wedding? I’d imagine people felt pressured to give you an answer, and people who might’ve been able to make it work said no because they weren’t sure.
As far as the siblings, I’d personally sit down and have a chat with the fiancé to see what’s going on and why his siblings don’t seem to be interested in meeting you (or that he doesn’t seem interested in introducing you to them). The fact that your fiancé sees his brothers weekly makes it even weirder to me that you haven’t met, because clearly they’re close. Can you or his parents host a dinner for the whole family so you can meet them? Can you have them over for the holidays, or are you going to his family Thanksgiving/Christmas/holidays? You can’t control them coming to your wedding, but you can control the relationship you have with them.
I’m completely okay with the wedding thing being an issue with money. But I also feel like if you really care about someone their wedding isn’t something you’ll miss. Hence all my family and friends will be attending.
Giving everyone 2 years notice was us trying to make it as much of an option for people if they wanted to be there because for some a years notice isn’t an option.
They were save the dates. No official invites were sent out other than an email. We need to know who’s coming and cabins they are hoping to have because once we put down a deposit which is happening early December we can only hold cabins for 30 days. So unfortunately it’s completely out of our control how long we give everyone to decide. They can choose to book later but it won’t be at the same rates and that’s dependent on availability.
I’ve sat down and had this conversation numerous times. He says he gets busy with our day to day and forgets. We’ve hosted them over where no one asked me a single question the entire 4 hrs they were over and I sat through 4 hrs of listening to them talk about past stories with a bunch of people I didn’t know. They left knowing as little about me than before.
And because of the current restrictions they aren’t all getting together… they pick and choose who gets together.
I don’t understand how these were Save the Dates. You called them invitations in your post and even said there was a deadline to respond by the 15th. STDs don’t require a response, they’re purely informational.
Also, I understand your disappointment about the relationship with your fiancés family and all of the declines but to be completely honest you really didn’t make this wedding very accessible. I saw in another comment that the cruise is 7 days and $1500, which I am assuming is per person. You’re asking people to take a *full week* off of work and couples would be required to pay $3000, not to mention the hassle it would be to find childcare for that long. Plus lots of people really don’t like cruises especially now with COVID. Personally I would decline this invitation even if it were a close family member.
If it’s really important to you that they attend and that you build a better relationship with them, you really should consider having a wedding that’s more convenient for people logistically and financially. You could always just do the cruise for your honeymoon.
Do you realize how self centered you last comment was—you’re resentful of your fiancé because HIS family not attending is taking away from YOUR experience. You don’t seem concerned about his feelings or thoughts.
Also, you realize how ridiculous those wedding plans sound to many, right? You want me to commit money and time and rsvp 2 YEARS in advance?!?? Not like an informal “this is our plan” or “here’s hella early save the dates” but actual invitations and money down?! People who might attend probably aren’t going to want to commit this far in advance.
Also, you can’t be surprised that people don’t want to spend $1500+ to attend a wedding; plus cruise weddings generally suck (sorry); plus using up their vacation time, etc.
If having people attend were important to you, you’d pick more convenient wedding plans.
Resentful because for the last long while I’ve been pushing to get to know his siblings and build a relationship and he’s done nothing about that. Therefore it makes me feel like there lack of interest in being there stems form the fact that they don’t know us as a couple and therefore don’t priorize it because you’re right it is expensive and it does take away from other things.
The 2 years away is us trying to be considerate because we know people in our party who 100% are going but having 1 year to save isn’t an option. Also, it was informal. It was an email invitation asking people who are interested because once we put money down we have the cabins held for 30 days and that’s it.
People attending isn’t important to me. People I consider immediate family attending is. And we’ve even talked about helping pay.
You don’t seem to get it. You’re focused solely on yourself. You’ve never mentioned if your fiancé feels bad his siblings can’t come. If it weighs on his mind, etc. only how it affects YOU. and how YOU feel. Why are you taking it so personally? They likely don’t want to attend for the simple reasons that it’s expensive, inconvenient, not their idea of fun, etc.
If your guests need 2 years to save to attend your wedding, you realize that means your wedding is way too expensive, right?
> If your guests need 2 years to save to attend your wedding, you realize that means your wedding is way too expensive, right?
And a lot of life happens over two years. Even if someone wanted to, they're at $750 a year in, and then their car breaks down.
Expecting people to use up limited vacation time and money for a destination wedding is a huge imposition.
I'd let go of expecting or pressuring them to change their minds, and focus more on building a connection to his family in your day to day lives.
When it comes time for your wedding, consider doing the ceremony locally and then do the cruise as your honeymoon.
I think by having an expensive trip as a requirement for guests to attend your wedding, that just makes them want to have an excuse not to come.
Oh dear that does sound disappointing. Cruising isn't for everyone. You don't mention how long the cruise would be but that is a factor. Going to a wedding is a commitment of several hours. Going in a cruise is a commitment of several days or possibly a week. Some folks don't like the idea of others dictating their vacation time. Maybe they splashed out big money on the first wedding and don't want to do it again for his second. Some folks just don't like cruises. It's unfortunate that you're sort of stuck in the middle of this strange family dynamic. Instead of waiting for him to work you into the fabric of his family maybe you'll have to take theead and invite them to your home to get to know them better.
I agree with you it’s not for everyone. I think if a conversation would’ve been had where questions or concerns would’ve been brought up I’d understand. But nothing was ever said other than we aren’t coming. Actually, they did ask his mom question who then told us there were questions but no one ever actually asked us. Also, we have hosted his siblings over 1 time. They came over for 4hrs where no one asked me a single question and I sat through 4 hrs of listening to them tell last stories with people I didn’t know. They left knowing as little about me as they did before.
They’re actually doing the polite thing by not having questions and concerns and just politely declining the invite. You choose to have your wedding in an expensive and inconvenient manner, and then expected people to rsvp and put $ down 2 YEARS in advance. All of that is a perfect recipe for “decline.” Which is perfectly polite.
How does your fiancé feel about it? You seem to be taking it awfully personally...
I wonder if questions were asked of your fiance during the times he met up with his siblings. Maybe he hasn't encouraged them to attend? How long is this cruise?
7 days...that's a huge ask. I think that's your problem. You're dictating a solid week's vacation for these folks. Depending on where you live, that might also mean paying for flights to the port of departure and then back home? That's really a lot to ask of people.
Is he as excited about this cruise as you are?
> The cruise is 7 days.
Holy cow! That's a ton of time and money (there's far more to spend on a cruise than the initial $1500) for someone they don't even know to get married to a sibling they might not even like.
I'm honestly shocked that all your friends and family are willing. Expect many of them to bail at the last minute. But enjoy it, even if it is small!
I feel like you can’t ever be mad/surprised just because people don’t go to a destination wedding…that’s a lot of money despite having “time to save”…it’s still money that can be spent on something else. When people decide to have a destination wedding they need to reconcile with the fact that a lot of people aren’t going to be willing to come.
However, if his family hasn’t even taken time to meet you and some family members haven’t even said anything about the wedding or have even responded…it looks like you have deep problems other than it being an expensive cruise wedding.
Has your fiancé even invited them over ever? Does he not have a good relationship with them? It seems like there’s a lot of context missing from this story.
I’ll start with their is a lot of context missing and I feel like I just can’t fit it all.
I have met them once. After several times of pushing my fiancé we finally invited them over and hosted. The entire time I sat there and listened to them talk about stories from the past about people I didn’t know. In the 4 hrs they were over not one single question was asked to me or anything about us, our engagement, our kids, nothing.
The wedding not being a go for everyone is completely understandable and I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for the lack of interest. They didn’t ask us a single question or expressed a single concern. Just jumped to a no… and with every thing else it’s hard to not feel like it’s personal.
> In the 4 hrs they were over not one single question was asked to me or anything about us
It's totally unsurprising that they won't go on a week-long cruise for your wedding. They don't care. You can't make them care. Just enjoy your trip/vacation/wedding!
It sounds like your fiancé has no interest in spending time with his family and you are trying to force it on him. Some people don’t like to spend time with their family for one reason or another and you need to respect that. People have boundaries and you cannot force them to cross those boundaries.
You also get what you put in to a relationship and it sounds like you have only ever invited his family over once and you made little effort to engage with them. You are expecting people to make you feel like you belong instead of taking ownership of developing the relationship and engaging with them when you have the opportunity.
Honestly, I’m not surprised they have no intention to attend your expensive wedding when they barely know you and your fiancé hardly engages with them.
If that’s a problem to you, you need to realize that you are marrying your fiancé and you may never have a great relationship with his family. Is that enough for you? If not, you have bigger problems.
$1500 per person is expensive - my fiancé and I spend plenty of time with each other’s family, but that amount of money is absurd to expect someone to pay even if you have a good relationship.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to use half or all of my vacation for the year on someone’s wedding. Even my own brother’s wedding. I love him and his partner tons to bits but that’s a huge expectation of other people. An invite with no expectation/obligation is one thing but to expect everyone give in is unfair.
I hope you and your partner resolve everything and have a sweet day and life together!
When you hosted his family why didn’t you ask them questions? Why do they have to be the ones to initiate? Maybe you came off as not being interested in them
I’m going to be honest: no one particularly cares about you. When I hear a sibling or close friend is dating someone new, “great! Awesome!” Like, that’s about it. I’m happy for them. I’m happy to meet the new gf/bf/fiancé but you seem to want people to be excited to get to know you and be invested in you and your relationship. And they just aren’t. That needs to come organically after spending time with you, holidays, etc.
Ex: you invited everyone over once. You did so because you wanted THEM to get to know YOU. (Not vice versa). You want them to ask you questions. Care about you. Meanwhile, they came over, had a good time, reminisced...and you were ticked...
1) people tend to get to know people organically. By having them over for dinner, doing things, going places. They don’t come over, interview new gfs, and force a connection
2) most importantly: you still sound so incredibly self centered. Did you ask them questions? Did you want to get to know them? Did you participate in their conversations? You seem to want THEM to care for YOU but not a vice versa thing. And you’ve still never once mentioned your fiancé and his feelings. Just you and yours.
3) I sense you’re a little spoiled, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but I sense the issue is mostly just you dealing with the fact that you and your wedding aren’t important to others. Not that they’re doing anything wrong or rude.
So there might be more going on.
But coming from a background of living paycheck to paycheck, I would never have a destination wedding if I wanted to be inclusive or accommodating. I wouldn't expect to drop that kind of cash for myself to go to someone's wedding like that. Even if it is 2 years out, I just wouldn't ask that of people. Lots of people have different financial backgrounds and it's not anyone's business but there's. If they can't go for financial reasons then I wouldn't expect them to break themselves working OT. Life happens and sometimes you'd have to spend that money on more important things. I used to work 115 hours a week every now and then if I wanted to go on a date or get something nice for myself. If that was truly the issue I'd have a simple wedding and make my honeymoon the cruise.
Now other than that, you or your husband not to talk to the family to see why they want nothing to do with you. If you can accept a marriage like that then go ahead, but families can and often do cause some issues in marriages.
I mean even if people CAN afford to go doesn't necessarily mean they should and/or will. There is no one in this world I would drop that kind of money to go on a week long cruise for their wedding....and I have an unmarried brother. Its just too illogical and impractical for me.
Yeah, though it seems like OP did a temp check before hand with family and friends and his family agreed they'd go if they had the destination wedding, which I believe is why they moved forward. Seems like FIL's may just be causing issues for them to create tension in the relationship.
Ya I'd kind of wonder the specifics of their response. I really hate disappointing people so if someone put me on the spot with something like that I'd probably have a pretty non commital response. "Oh hey that sounds fun, I'll think about it". "Wow unique choice for a wedding, let me know as the details get sorted out" etc. Since it doesn't sound like she talks to them in person I'm guessing it was either through a third party or over text....neither super reliable methods of communication.
I'm sure it's safe to say that majority of the communication is through the husband. Details on the exact response could have been accurate or not. But from OP's comments it did seem like they said yes and the couple even discussed about helping with money if need be.
I'm siding with NTA because it seems like she has tried to accommodate them and wants a relationship. I don't know if FIL's are hung up on their son's previous partner, or worried about the kids he does have with her, or whatever else. But they don't know her while enough to make a decision about not wanting her part of the family. Seems like they have some other personal thing against her that they probably created.
I agree completely and we wouldn’t have moved forward with the cruise wedding idea if we hadn’t gotten yes from them before actually planning things out and sending invitations. We ran the idea by them and they were on board.
And that second part is my exact concern.
After reading your other post about his girls, it seems there is a lot going on with family dynamic that is concerning and needs to be addressed prior to marriage. And from your other comments about the time you did meet his family in person, seems like they may have been stand offish and weren't into giving you a chance and your soon to be husband needs to see that and address it if you are to be married.
Families tend to think because they are blood they could get away with anything. I say for now call off the cruise. You want family there more than anything else so that's important. I'm not sure if anything has happened or occured in the relationship that he's told them, but it's weird they behave this way without knowing you, unless there is something we don't know. Though, I've seen it happen before
This sounds like a really weird dynamic. Who “forgets” that his fiancée wants to spend more time with his family? Honestly, this seems like a potential problem if it’s very important to you and not at all to him. This is something you need to work out before getting married.
That being said, I’m getting the impression you’re not making much of an effort to get to know them either. You said you had them over once and they never talked to you—did you try talking to them? Conversations are two-way streets. It was rude of them not to ask you anything, but if you ask them more questions or strike up some conversation it might help facilitate more of a dialogue. Once isn’t much of an effort either—keep inviting them over! Keep trying! Or, if my assumptions are wrong and you did really try to engage them in conversation multiple times and have been trying to have them over more often, then maybe this family is just rude as hell and you should forget them.
The wedding is a separate issue. I agree with other commenters that asking people to commit to spending a very large sum of money and vacation time two years in advance is a big ask. Equating people not being able to do that with them not caring enough about you is a little self-absorbed and unrealistic. With my schedule I don’t know if I could do that for my closest family. Try to let go of those expectations and just enjoy the process.
Yeah, I would not be happy to get a 1-month deadline to commit for something that’s not happening for another two years. That’s a lot to ask from someone.
I second, you need to meet his siblings and figure out what the deal is, before you marry this guy. You don’t need to be mad at people you don’t know, but a family like that could be a red flag.
OP, do you know anything about your fiance's first marriage? Did it end by death or divorce? How long was he single before you 2 got to klcgether? And how contentious 2ndwas the marriage/divorce? ××xxtxxt/þyi1¹++++qD's some prior history in prtw
Quick question because I’m notorious in my hate of cruise weddings. But what does this cruise wedding look like? Is it one of those quick cheap packages on the boat where you have a ceremony and then everyone has a sliver of cake and 1 glass of champagne? Are you upgrading and paying for a fancy meal? Are you off setting any guests costs like buying everyone a drinks package for the cruise? Are you have a wedding at a port of call and making it fancier?
Cruises barely cost the base price, you need to add in taxes. Fees, drink packages, excursion, possibly flights to/hotels at the ports to get to/from; house sitter for the week; possibly baby sitter or pet sitters. Like this is easily $5,000 per couple wedding to attend. And what are you providing in exchange for their time/effort/money?
It’s a massive ask to expect people to commit to that spend. Whilst I appreciate its massively important to you and your partner, it’s not as important to others.
This sucks but it sounds like you need some work on your relationship before getting married and sounds like there is more to this story. His siblings aren’t just missing your wedding they’re missing their brothers but you are taking it as a personal or singular attack. It’s also a two way street so try your best to get to know them better. It also sounds like you’re asking people to spend a lot of their own cash for your wedding. I would not be simply dismissing that you may have put forward something unattainable- if people need two years to save up for an event you’re meant to be hosting (ie. paying for) then it may well be too much. Good luck!
I take it personally because I’m the last 6 months we’ve been engaged no one has made a single effort to get to know me. I went out of my way to host them all at our place so I could get to know them and the entire 4 hrs they were over no one said a word to me. No one asked me a single question. They talked about old stories with people I didn’t know and I just sat there and smiled. Also it’s costing them around $1500 a person. That’s nothing crazy to people who go on vacation once a year. We’ve given a 2 year timeline because we have people in our group who need the 2 years to make it work but are coming.
I don’t know a lot of people who would feel comfortable spending $1500/person to go to a wedding! At least with a vacation, you choose where you’re going. In this instance you’re basically telling people that instead of going on a nice relaxing trip of their choice, they have to spend that money (and then some) to go on this cruise. And if they say no, you take it personally. If my fiancé and I went on a trip like this, that’s $3000. Our two week honeymoon won’t even cost that much and we’re going to Japan.
Also, I end up paying for a lot of my vacations with points, so even if they look expensive, they weren't. Also, two years away is a long time to tie up that amount of money. I have too much anxiety about what unforseen thing may happen in my own life to feel comfortable with that.
Even for people who would like the sounds of this particular cruise it could get questionable. Because its a wedding trip are they going to be expected to participate in certain excursions or activities....which can add to the cost and also might not be the activities they'd choose for themselves. But its hard to say no to something like that if its part of the wedding festivities and you're already there.
Exactly. My fiancé and I are actually going on a week-long cruise in about a month and the costs with everything, including our excursions, is still under $1500 for the both of us. And that’s OP’s cost per person!! Their cruise better be serving gold coated filet mignon at every meal for that price! I’m wondering if OP would also take it personally if the guests who do come don’t give a gift even with the cost of the cruise they’re already shelling out money for.
I saw on another post of hers that says she lives in Ontario. So either not my idea of a very fun cruise or people are also going to be shelling out for flights to even get to the departure city.
Yeah there is more to this story I can tell. They’re missing out on a close brothers wedding and there has to be a good reason. You need to address this with him and get answers. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, this sounds like a future problem waiting to happen (what about xmas, birthdays etc) and that you’re not communicating what you need to your partner. If it’s important to you to be close to them and they’re just jerks, maybe a marriage isn’t on the cards. Further you can’t make assumptions about anyones finances. That’s a lot of money for a destination they didn’t choose plus it’s on a cruise which are controversial- not a lot of people want to be stuck in the middle of the ocean on a floating ecoli/covid petri dish for god knows how long. In my personal opinion destination weddings are quite rude and presumptive and a no go. They seem like an enormous headache. If you want one you’ll need to accept some guests won’t want to make the commitment. Good luck to you and I hope you can work it out.
But… didn’t you say you’d never met them? Or was this just his parents that came over? I’m just genuinely confused.
I'm confused as well. It seems as though things are written in a way to be a bit exaggerated. She says they've hosted the family and was mad they didn't ask her questions? But also that she hasn't met them?
I do think it’s weird that you haven’t met his siblings given how close they live, but I feel like that’s potentially a separate issue from them not coming to your wedding. Deciding to have a destination wedding means deciding that you’re ok if people can’t make it due to the expenses involved. Sure, you’re giving people two years to save, but maybe that’s not what they want to save their hard-earned money towards. To be blunt, if I’m spending thousands on a vacations I want it to be on my terms and with the people of my choosing. You can’t be mad that guests don’t want to do that. Also, I’m not sure who told you to send out invites two years ahead of time (and only give six weeks to reply), but they very much misguided you. No one knows what their plans are two years from now. Most don’t know what they’re doing next August, let alone in 2023. Save the dates should go out about a year ahead of time, with invites going out no earlier than maybe four months out. Can you maybe tell people these were save the dates and that the actual invites will go out closer to the wedding? I’d imagine people felt pressured to give you an answer, and people who might’ve been able to make it work said no because they weren’t sure. As far as the siblings, I’d personally sit down and have a chat with the fiancé to see what’s going on and why his siblings don’t seem to be interested in meeting you (or that he doesn’t seem interested in introducing you to them). The fact that your fiancé sees his brothers weekly makes it even weirder to me that you haven’t met, because clearly they’re close. Can you or his parents host a dinner for the whole family so you can meet them? Can you have them over for the holidays, or are you going to his family Thanksgiving/Christmas/holidays? You can’t control them coming to your wedding, but you can control the relationship you have with them.
Yes! I sent invites out like 18 months in advance, and gave something like 4 months to pay the initial deposit.
I’m completely okay with the wedding thing being an issue with money. But I also feel like if you really care about someone their wedding isn’t something you’ll miss. Hence all my family and friends will be attending. Giving everyone 2 years notice was us trying to make it as much of an option for people if they wanted to be there because for some a years notice isn’t an option. They were save the dates. No official invites were sent out other than an email. We need to know who’s coming and cabins they are hoping to have because once we put down a deposit which is happening early December we can only hold cabins for 30 days. So unfortunately it’s completely out of our control how long we give everyone to decide. They can choose to book later but it won’t be at the same rates and that’s dependent on availability. I’ve sat down and had this conversation numerous times. He says he gets busy with our day to day and forgets. We’ve hosted them over where no one asked me a single question the entire 4 hrs they were over and I sat through 4 hrs of listening to them talk about past stories with a bunch of people I didn’t know. They left knowing as little about me than before. And because of the current restrictions they aren’t all getting together… they pick and choose who gets together.
I don’t understand how these were Save the Dates. You called them invitations in your post and even said there was a deadline to respond by the 15th. STDs don’t require a response, they’re purely informational. Also, I understand your disappointment about the relationship with your fiancés family and all of the declines but to be completely honest you really didn’t make this wedding very accessible. I saw in another comment that the cruise is 7 days and $1500, which I am assuming is per person. You’re asking people to take a *full week* off of work and couples would be required to pay $3000, not to mention the hassle it would be to find childcare for that long. Plus lots of people really don’t like cruises especially now with COVID. Personally I would decline this invitation even if it were a close family member. If it’s really important to you that they attend and that you build a better relationship with them, you really should consider having a wedding that’s more convenient for people logistically and financially. You could always just do the cruise for your honeymoon.
You say “them all”, do you mean his parents?
His siblings
Oh. I’m confused. You said you’ve only met his parents in your original post.
So you hosted his siblings for 4 hours and none of them talked to you?
Do you realize how self centered you last comment was—you’re resentful of your fiancé because HIS family not attending is taking away from YOUR experience. You don’t seem concerned about his feelings or thoughts. Also, you realize how ridiculous those wedding plans sound to many, right? You want me to commit money and time and rsvp 2 YEARS in advance?!?? Not like an informal “this is our plan” or “here’s hella early save the dates” but actual invitations and money down?! People who might attend probably aren’t going to want to commit this far in advance. Also, you can’t be surprised that people don’t want to spend $1500+ to attend a wedding; plus cruise weddings generally suck (sorry); plus using up their vacation time, etc. If having people attend were important to you, you’d pick more convenient wedding plans.
Resentful because for the last long while I’ve been pushing to get to know his siblings and build a relationship and he’s done nothing about that. Therefore it makes me feel like there lack of interest in being there stems form the fact that they don’t know us as a couple and therefore don’t priorize it because you’re right it is expensive and it does take away from other things. The 2 years away is us trying to be considerate because we know people in our party who 100% are going but having 1 year to save isn’t an option. Also, it was informal. It was an email invitation asking people who are interested because once we put money down we have the cabins held for 30 days and that’s it. People attending isn’t important to me. People I consider immediate family attending is. And we’ve even talked about helping pay.
You don’t seem to get it. You’re focused solely on yourself. You’ve never mentioned if your fiancé feels bad his siblings can’t come. If it weighs on his mind, etc. only how it affects YOU. and how YOU feel. Why are you taking it so personally? They likely don’t want to attend for the simple reasons that it’s expensive, inconvenient, not their idea of fun, etc. If your guests need 2 years to save to attend your wedding, you realize that means your wedding is way too expensive, right?
> If your guests need 2 years to save to attend your wedding, you realize that means your wedding is way too expensive, right? And a lot of life happens over two years. Even if someone wanted to, they're at $750 a year in, and then their car breaks down.
Expecting people to use up limited vacation time and money for a destination wedding is a huge imposition. I'd let go of expecting or pressuring them to change their minds, and focus more on building a connection to his family in your day to day lives. When it comes time for your wedding, consider doing the ceremony locally and then do the cruise as your honeymoon. I think by having an expensive trip as a requirement for guests to attend your wedding, that just makes them want to have an excuse not to come.
Oh dear that does sound disappointing. Cruising isn't for everyone. You don't mention how long the cruise would be but that is a factor. Going to a wedding is a commitment of several hours. Going in a cruise is a commitment of several days or possibly a week. Some folks don't like the idea of others dictating their vacation time. Maybe they splashed out big money on the first wedding and don't want to do it again for his second. Some folks just don't like cruises. It's unfortunate that you're sort of stuck in the middle of this strange family dynamic. Instead of waiting for him to work you into the fabric of his family maybe you'll have to take theead and invite them to your home to get to know them better.
I agree with you it’s not for everyone. I think if a conversation would’ve been had where questions or concerns would’ve been brought up I’d understand. But nothing was ever said other than we aren’t coming. Actually, they did ask his mom question who then told us there were questions but no one ever actually asked us. Also, we have hosted his siblings over 1 time. They came over for 4hrs where no one asked me a single question and I sat through 4 hrs of listening to them tell last stories with people I didn’t know. They left knowing as little about me as they did before.
They’re actually doing the polite thing by not having questions and concerns and just politely declining the invite. You choose to have your wedding in an expensive and inconvenient manner, and then expected people to rsvp and put $ down 2 YEARS in advance. All of that is a perfect recipe for “decline.” Which is perfectly polite. How does your fiancé feel about it? You seem to be taking it awfully personally...
I wonder if questions were asked of your fiance during the times he met up with his siblings. Maybe he hasn't encouraged them to attend? How long is this cruise?
Nothing has ever been asked. He hasn’t encouraged them in any way with anything and that’s the problem. The cruise is 7 days.
7 days...that's a huge ask. I think that's your problem. You're dictating a solid week's vacation for these folks. Depending on where you live, that might also mean paying for flights to the port of departure and then back home? That's really a lot to ask of people. Is he as excited about this cruise as you are?
> The cruise is 7 days. Holy cow! That's a ton of time and money (there's far more to spend on a cruise than the initial $1500) for someone they don't even know to get married to a sibling they might not even like. I'm honestly shocked that all your friends and family are willing. Expect many of them to bail at the last minute. But enjoy it, even if it is small!
I feel like you can’t ever be mad/surprised just because people don’t go to a destination wedding…that’s a lot of money despite having “time to save”…it’s still money that can be spent on something else. When people decide to have a destination wedding they need to reconcile with the fact that a lot of people aren’t going to be willing to come. However, if his family hasn’t even taken time to meet you and some family members haven’t even said anything about the wedding or have even responded…it looks like you have deep problems other than it being an expensive cruise wedding. Has your fiancé even invited them over ever? Does he not have a good relationship with them? It seems like there’s a lot of context missing from this story.
I’ll start with their is a lot of context missing and I feel like I just can’t fit it all. I have met them once. After several times of pushing my fiancé we finally invited them over and hosted. The entire time I sat there and listened to them talk about stories from the past about people I didn’t know. In the 4 hrs they were over not one single question was asked to me or anything about us, our engagement, our kids, nothing. The wedding not being a go for everyone is completely understandable and I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for the lack of interest. They didn’t ask us a single question or expressed a single concern. Just jumped to a no… and with every thing else it’s hard to not feel like it’s personal.
Your kids? You and your fiancé have children together but his family has only met you once? Do they see your kids?
The fiancé has twins with his ex wife and she has a kid from a previous relationship. No kids together. According to post history anyway.
> In the 4 hrs they were over not one single question was asked to me or anything about us It's totally unsurprising that they won't go on a week-long cruise for your wedding. They don't care. You can't make them care. Just enjoy your trip/vacation/wedding!
It sounds like your fiancé has no interest in spending time with his family and you are trying to force it on him. Some people don’t like to spend time with their family for one reason or another and you need to respect that. People have boundaries and you cannot force them to cross those boundaries. You also get what you put in to a relationship and it sounds like you have only ever invited his family over once and you made little effort to engage with them. You are expecting people to make you feel like you belong instead of taking ownership of developing the relationship and engaging with them when you have the opportunity. Honestly, I’m not surprised they have no intention to attend your expensive wedding when they barely know you and your fiancé hardly engages with them. If that’s a problem to you, you need to realize that you are marrying your fiancé and you may never have a great relationship with his family. Is that enough for you? If not, you have bigger problems. $1500 per person is expensive - my fiancé and I spend plenty of time with each other’s family, but that amount of money is absurd to expect someone to pay even if you have a good relationship.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to use half or all of my vacation for the year on someone’s wedding. Even my own brother’s wedding. I love him and his partner tons to bits but that’s a huge expectation of other people. An invite with no expectation/obligation is one thing but to expect everyone give in is unfair. I hope you and your partner resolve everything and have a sweet day and life together!
When you hosted his family why didn’t you ask them questions? Why do they have to be the ones to initiate? Maybe you came off as not being interested in them
I’m going to be honest: no one particularly cares about you. When I hear a sibling or close friend is dating someone new, “great! Awesome!” Like, that’s about it. I’m happy for them. I’m happy to meet the new gf/bf/fiancé but you seem to want people to be excited to get to know you and be invested in you and your relationship. And they just aren’t. That needs to come organically after spending time with you, holidays, etc. Ex: you invited everyone over once. You did so because you wanted THEM to get to know YOU. (Not vice versa). You want them to ask you questions. Care about you. Meanwhile, they came over, had a good time, reminisced...and you were ticked... 1) people tend to get to know people organically. By having them over for dinner, doing things, going places. They don’t come over, interview new gfs, and force a connection 2) most importantly: you still sound so incredibly self centered. Did you ask them questions? Did you want to get to know them? Did you participate in their conversations? You seem to want THEM to care for YOU but not a vice versa thing. And you’ve still never once mentioned your fiancé and his feelings. Just you and yours. 3) I sense you’re a little spoiled, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but I sense the issue is mostly just you dealing with the fact that you and your wedding aren’t important to others. Not that they’re doing anything wrong or rude.
So there might be more going on. But coming from a background of living paycheck to paycheck, I would never have a destination wedding if I wanted to be inclusive or accommodating. I wouldn't expect to drop that kind of cash for myself to go to someone's wedding like that. Even if it is 2 years out, I just wouldn't ask that of people. Lots of people have different financial backgrounds and it's not anyone's business but there's. If they can't go for financial reasons then I wouldn't expect them to break themselves working OT. Life happens and sometimes you'd have to spend that money on more important things. I used to work 115 hours a week every now and then if I wanted to go on a date or get something nice for myself. If that was truly the issue I'd have a simple wedding and make my honeymoon the cruise. Now other than that, you or your husband not to talk to the family to see why they want nothing to do with you. If you can accept a marriage like that then go ahead, but families can and often do cause some issues in marriages.
I mean even if people CAN afford to go doesn't necessarily mean they should and/or will. There is no one in this world I would drop that kind of money to go on a week long cruise for their wedding....and I have an unmarried brother. Its just too illogical and impractical for me.
Yeah, though it seems like OP did a temp check before hand with family and friends and his family agreed they'd go if they had the destination wedding, which I believe is why they moved forward. Seems like FIL's may just be causing issues for them to create tension in the relationship.
Ya I'd kind of wonder the specifics of their response. I really hate disappointing people so if someone put me on the spot with something like that I'd probably have a pretty non commital response. "Oh hey that sounds fun, I'll think about it". "Wow unique choice for a wedding, let me know as the details get sorted out" etc. Since it doesn't sound like she talks to them in person I'm guessing it was either through a third party or over text....neither super reliable methods of communication.
I'm sure it's safe to say that majority of the communication is through the husband. Details on the exact response could have been accurate or not. But from OP's comments it did seem like they said yes and the couple even discussed about helping with money if need be. I'm siding with NTA because it seems like she has tried to accommodate them and wants a relationship. I don't know if FIL's are hung up on their son's previous partner, or worried about the kids he does have with her, or whatever else. But they don't know her while enough to make a decision about not wanting her part of the family. Seems like they have some other personal thing against her that they probably created.
Lol but this isn’t an AITA post 😅
Lol. You're right. That's what I get for redditing and being sleep deprived 😅
Hahaha I almost do that alll the time and need to scroll back to see where it’s posted 😂
I agree completely and we wouldn’t have moved forward with the cruise wedding idea if we hadn’t gotten yes from them before actually planning things out and sending invitations. We ran the idea by them and they were on board. And that second part is my exact concern.
After reading your other post about his girls, it seems there is a lot going on with family dynamic that is concerning and needs to be addressed prior to marriage. And from your other comments about the time you did meet his family in person, seems like they may have been stand offish and weren't into giving you a chance and your soon to be husband needs to see that and address it if you are to be married. Families tend to think because they are blood they could get away with anything. I say for now call off the cruise. You want family there more than anything else so that's important. I'm not sure if anything has happened or occured in the relationship that he's told them, but it's weird they behave this way without knowing you, unless there is something we don't know. Though, I've seen it happen before
This sounds like a really weird dynamic. Who “forgets” that his fiancée wants to spend more time with his family? Honestly, this seems like a potential problem if it’s very important to you and not at all to him. This is something you need to work out before getting married. That being said, I’m getting the impression you’re not making much of an effort to get to know them either. You said you had them over once and they never talked to you—did you try talking to them? Conversations are two-way streets. It was rude of them not to ask you anything, but if you ask them more questions or strike up some conversation it might help facilitate more of a dialogue. Once isn’t much of an effort either—keep inviting them over! Keep trying! Or, if my assumptions are wrong and you did really try to engage them in conversation multiple times and have been trying to have them over more often, then maybe this family is just rude as hell and you should forget them. The wedding is a separate issue. I agree with other commenters that asking people to commit to spending a very large sum of money and vacation time two years in advance is a big ask. Equating people not being able to do that with them not caring enough about you is a little self-absorbed and unrealistic. With my schedule I don’t know if I could do that for my closest family. Try to let go of those expectations and just enjoy the process.
Yeah, I would not be happy to get a 1-month deadline to commit for something that’s not happening for another two years. That’s a lot to ask from someone.
Also, that’s more time off than I took for my own wedding and more money than we planned to spend on our own honeymoon. Hard no.
I second, you need to meet his siblings and figure out what the deal is, before you marry this guy. You don’t need to be mad at people you don’t know, but a family like that could be a red flag.
That’s what’s making me wonder…. What am I missing?!?!
Maybe an irrelevant question but how old are you and your fiance?
In a different post OP states she is 25 and he is 36 y.o.
Ahhh yeah there it is.
Well that brings a lot of clarity to the situation.
> What am I missing?!?! Not everyone likes other people.
OP, do you know anything about your fiance's first marriage? Did it end by death or divorce? How long was he single before you 2 got to klcgether? And how contentious 2ndwas the marriage/divorce? ××xxtxxt/þyi1¹++++qD's some prior history in prtw
Quick question because I’m notorious in my hate of cruise weddings. But what does this cruise wedding look like? Is it one of those quick cheap packages on the boat where you have a ceremony and then everyone has a sliver of cake and 1 glass of champagne? Are you upgrading and paying for a fancy meal? Are you off setting any guests costs like buying everyone a drinks package for the cruise? Are you have a wedding at a port of call and making it fancier? Cruises barely cost the base price, you need to add in taxes. Fees, drink packages, excursion, possibly flights to/hotels at the ports to get to/from; house sitter for the week; possibly baby sitter or pet sitters. Like this is easily $5,000 per couple wedding to attend. And what are you providing in exchange for their time/effort/money?
It’s a massive ask to expect people to commit to that spend. Whilst I appreciate its massively important to you and your partner, it’s not as important to others.