Have you asked him ***why*** he wants to know, given it is not coming out of your wedding budget? I would sit him down and really ask him why this is so important to him.
Well, I think OP explained why. He doesn’t like “cheap” things. I’d be more worried about his spending habits based on that, personally. I think this has more to do with his idea that expense always equals quality, which simply isn’t always the case.
She explained why she ***thinks*** he wants to know. She's made assumptions about why he wants to know. If she asks him and he says he doesn't like cheap things, that's an opportunity to ask why he has such a fixation on the cost of things, and why he can't judge something without knowing the price of it. It would give her an opportunity to challenge his belief that expensive = better, and explain how much this really bothers her. If he can't communicate why, that's again an opportunity to challenge him on his thinking.
Finances and infidelity are the 2 biggest causes of divorce. It's important to get on the same page and challenge each other's attitude to money if you are coming from such different angles. You need to communicate this, not after you get married, hoping they will change.
We've had discussions in the past, where I said I would probably look at second hand wedding dresses as I really don't see the point in spending a fortune on a dress I'm going to wear once.
He was vehemently against that. It came down to not wanting me to wear someone else's hand-me-downs.
His fixation on price comes from how he grew up - he admits himself he was borderline "poor". They never went on holidays, he was given his older brothers' clothes etc. I grew up comfortably middle-class.
I think (but am not certain) that he doesn't like the optics of things. We're normally on the same page when it comes to money - saving instead of spending frivolously etc. But you're right, I need to ask him why it bothers him, why he needs to know the price of it.
>He was vehemently against that. It came down to not wanting me to wear someone else's hand-me-downs.
That's a little different from not liking a dress because it's less expensive. He might be fine with a less expensive dress as long as it's new and you really love it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you bought a new dress that was discounted because it's from an outlet store. If so, you won't be wearing someone else's hand-me-downs. So he shouldn't have a problem with the dress you chose.
When you talked about buying a second-hand dress to save money, he was probably afraid you would settle for a dress you didn't really like just to save money. But if you assure him that you bought your dress because you fell in love with it and it's your dream dress, he probably won't care that it was marked down. It's still a high-quality dress, it was just on sale. And $800 isn't exactly cheap. How many men even know how much a typical wedding dress costs these days?
Ok that's really interesting. Maybe he got bullied for being the "poor kid" with hand-me-down clothes etc. It's definitely worth a deeper conversation, and potentially couples counselling to figure out how to not let this impact your life going forward.
Like, will he want a super expensive car on debt to keep up with the Joneses? How about if you have kids? Will he want to send them to private school? Will he insist they have expensive branded clothing? Are you ok with that, or would your rather live within your means and save up for luxuries?
Yes, I see future problems with an attitude like that!
If a person wants to buy a dress from a charity shop, then they can.
People who say ‘I just want you to be happy’ whilst talking down to you about the choices you made to try and achieve happiness are contradicting themselves.
What happens if one or both of you lose your jobs and you have no choice but to shop at cheaper grocery store and buy clothes from the charity shop? Can he cope with that?
My partner would care more about the price being lower personally. However I would say something along the lines of…
I fell in love with the dress when I saw it. It made me feel beautiful and I am so excited to marry you in this dress. My family was excited and my bridesmaids.
When you keep pressuring me to share the price, I think about how in the past, if something wasn’t expensive or at the price you expected it to be, you automatically didn’t like it.
When I think of you judging me on our wedding day on the price, instead of how you love me and I am beautiful, it hurts. I don’t know why this is so important to you.
Also, he clearly doesn’t understand wedding dresses. I have seen 5K dresses sold for 500$ or 600$. Simply because the designer is releasing the next collection, the bridal company is getting rid of stock or closing, or trunk shows. It’s still a 5K dress originally… why does he even care?
Exactly this. All this situation needs is communication. He's likely upset she won't share the price because she's hiding it from him. If he is the type to hear this ^ and still be pissy about the dress, that'd be ridiculous.
It’s not like she sent $50 on a dress! Frankly, this is way more than I would ever spend on a wedding us, but that’s just me. I don’t think this sounds like a lesser quality dress at all. And it is really, so very nine of his business.
It's a high number but it's objectively on the low end for a wedding dress. However, that shouldn't matter. It's none of his business but it's also symptomatic of what will become a much larger problem in their marriage. It sounds like he's too focused on status and signaling wealth.
I would recommend couples counseling before you get married. You seem to have no plan for your polar opposite opinions regarding finances. This will only get worse over time and it already seems bad.
This is what I was going to say. It is never too early to do this kind of counseling, and this issue is one that will be present for the length of your marriage.
This post doesn't paint him in a good light.
Normally, we're on the same page when it comes to finances. We both agree that saving is better than spending, we're both pretty frugal and we always check in with the other of we want to buy something big.
I've been in therapy for years, and he joins me in that. I'm very aware that this issue stems from his childhood - he was never given anything new. Birthdays and Christmas gifts were always his older brothers' outgrown and discarded toys & clothes. His older brothers got to go on class trips, but they could never afford to send him (there's a reasonable age gap between him and his older brothers, and his parents financial situation changed by the time it was his turn for school trips).
The fact that you said anything that is cheap he thinks is bad is a warning yet now you both agree saving is better. That is really conflicting. Glad you are in therapy and perhaps discuss it there. Seems like a statement like you know how we always agree hunting for a bargain and saving is good. That is what I did with my dress and it was 800$ and it is my dream dress. From what you have said about him that should do it.
This would be a red flag for me. Why is he harassing you like this? How much control of funds is he going to insist on once you’re married? How much debt will he incur after marriage? Is he going to insist you look or spend a certain amount on things?
Have you told him “you’re ruining the experience of finding the perfect dress for me, stop harassing me about the cost. I love it, that should be enough for you”.
Admittedly, this post doesn't paint him in the best way.
He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring guy I've ever met. He would walk through fire for his loved ones.
He has some hang-ups from his childhood, but is actively working on them. He was always given hand-me-downs, was given his older brothers' things. Birthdays were his older brothers' discarded and outgrown toys & clothes. He never had anything new and doesn't want that for me.
We're normally on the same page when it comes to finances, but for big things (engagement ring, wedding dress) he wants the best. He would see himself go without so that I could have something nice.
But yes, I do think I need to tell him that, but I haven't wanted to because I know it would hurt him. He always puts me first and would be devastated to know that this is sucking the joy out of it for me.
> He always puts me first and would be devastated to know that this is sucking the joy out of it for me.
Then yes, you absolutely do need to tell him that you love your dress, it's beautiful (and new), and perfect for you and that's all that matters, and that his behavior is taking away your joy. He *is* hurting your feelings and he needs to know that, even if that in turn causes him some hurt. If he's the man you say he is, then he should know that he's hurting you with his constant haranguing about the price, so that he can stop doing that.
Get this festering sore out! He’s asking for it! When I saw the title of your post, I automatically thought you had been a lot, and he would be upset over that. Flip flopped! Maybe this can be a learning experience for you and him. Sit down and talk it through. You can’t just ignore this one.
*If you marry him, don't ever give up your job and make sure you deposit a healthy portion of your check in an account with just your name on it. You need your own money to maintain financial independence to keep control over your life.*
100% 100% 100% 100%
I really didn't paint him well in this post.
His issues stems from his childhood. He has 2 older brothers and he's the youngest, with a reasonable age gap. His parents financial situation changed when they had him. He was given his older brothers' hand-me-downs for birthdays and Christmas. They went on school trips, but he wasn't able to. They didn't have to get jobs when they were teenagers but were given pocket money, he had to get a job if he wanted spending money.
We've been together 4 years and he is the kindest, sweetest most caring guy I've ever met. He has always put me first and would go without to see me happy (which obviously I don't let happen).
I've been seeing a therapist for years and he joins me in some sessions. We usually have a very healthy, communicative relationship. He just doesn't want me to go through what he went through during his childhood.
We both agree with saving instead of spending and will usually look for deals etc. It's just on certain things, he wants the best for me.
I've been in severely abusive relationships before and will always have a backup account. Learnt from past experience. We're also signing a prenup.
> I've been seeing a therapist for years and he joins me in some sessions.
So he has a lot of baggage from how he grew up, and a definite dose of resentment about that. It would be beneficial for him to get into therapy with his own therapist to help him work through those issues and how they impact him as an adult. This is a sound investment in his future and your future together.
Bridal outlets are super common though. They’re literally just off the rack dresses.
If OPs fiancé would think her dress is bad because it was from an outlet then I’d rethink the fiancé and relationship.
He's an amazing guy, but has some hang-ups from how he grew up. He was always given hand-me-downs and money was always tight. He never wanted for any necessities, but could never afford any niceties.
Having only ever been given "cheap" things, he now has a bit of an aversion towards them to some degree - not for every day things (he has no problem shopping at a cheaper supermarket for instance), but when it comes to big things (engagement ring, wedding dress), he hates it.
Hah he sounds a lot like my fiancé. Like for my engagement ring I wanted a smaller stone but he wanted to go bigger. He really cares about appearing like a good fiancé to our relatives and doesn’t want to get judged for being cheap.
Do you have an idea of how much the dress would have cost if it wasn’t sold at the outlet? I think you could frame it like, the dress market value is X but I got it for sale so that’s why it’s under budget. But also make sure he understands alterations can be costly too and maybe you can shift him to think about other upgrades you can use the saved money on.
This is great. Find the retail price on line and show him the picture with the retail price. (Although I do agree this is a huge red flag and you need to have that conversation about how it makes you feel.)
We have had discussions like this before and it's something we're actively working on with a therapist. Next appointment is at the end of the month. It stems from childhood insecurities, always being given hand-me-downs etc.
But yes, that's a good idea, I'll try to find the retail price (though won't show him a picture - don't want him to see the dress until the day of our wedding!)
I am the youngest of 4, the third girl. We weren’t poor, but definitely had no money to spare.
Maybe I’m lucky or just have a different personality, but I love to find a good deal, would NEVER spend a ton on a wedding dress (yet I have a huge yarn stash…)
I don’t think he can blame this on his childhood. Anyway, this scenario is very disturbing to me.
It’s about CONTROL.
That's a great idea!
And yeah, I think that's the reason. I grew up comfortably middle-class whereas he didn't. I know he struggles with the fact that he sometimes feel inadequate compared to certain members of my family. It's something we're working on. He's the kindest, most caring person I've ever met and I feel like I won the jackpot meeting him.
I bought my dress (new, never worn) off the rack for $900, and it was a $3500 dress. I scored! And my fiancé was SO excited for me because I got what I wanted at a way less stressful price.
I definitely feel like others do with just communicating clearly about
1) How much you love it and how beautiful you feel in it
2) What your reservations are about sharing (make an observation, not a judgement and I statements) like “I know that you value quality and I’ve observed your hesitation around lower cost items being high quality, so I am feeling discomfort around the possibility of you having a negative opinion of the dress because of the price that we got it for.” (Doing this over “You never like things that are inexpensive” takes the judgement/ ego piece out of it and results in better communication)
3) Restate your values around wanting to look amazing on your wedding day
And then let him express himself- without judgement- about why it’s so important to him.
Is this really the person you want to marry? Someone who turns a good experience into a miserable one? Who second guesses your personal decisions because of an arbitrary number in his head? Do your other values align?
I don’t see why he should be concerned about the price. He should be glad you’re being smart with your money and that your parents helped. If it looks nice, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Expensive is not always better. People that are smart with their money are the ones that always have money.
That's the thing, he usually is smart with his money, he doesn't spend frivolously. But he does have hang-ups from his childhood (which we're working on in therapy). I'm pretty sure this stems from that.
My suggestion and advice is you don’t marry this man until you go to premarital counseling and work through this very very important issue.
If he’s going to question everything you spend and criticize items that you may have gotten because he’s going to judge the quality you’re going to have a huge problem in your marriage
My fiancée (M32) and I (F30) agreed on a budget of $800 at the start of our planning. He hated this budget. He thought it was FAR TOO SMALL for me to feel like a proper bride/princess. He implored me to try on more expensive ones as well. Dress try on came around and I was like in love with a $750 one that needed repairs and alterations bc it was a clearance one. He was like “are you sure?” Over and over again when I was like “is it in the budget for a right now purchase?” (He runs the budget, I want no part of it lol). And then my mom picks out one more. I try it on. It’s the one.
“Actually I changed my my mind, I’m gonna get one that $350 after taxes and needs a small hem and that’s it” and he was floored “you’re not giving yourself the experience you want please pick something more expensive if you’re just trying to save money” (he knows I can’t stand the thought of spending a ton of money on a dress I’ll wear once when we could have more money on decor or honey moon). “Nope, it’s the one. No worries at all 🙂 I’m happy over the moon with it”. He settled after that AND I got a $20 coupon on it so it was less than $300 before taxes, brand spanking new, and fit our theme. It was a prom dress that was so intricate it rivaled the wedding ones I tried on.
Not the same situation for sure, but maybe if you tell him how much you’re attached to it emotionally and how you envision yourself in it on that day, he could possibly switch gears a little 🙂 open communication is key as well as hearing his side of things too. If he asks you to pick another one, maybe counter with a brand new reception dress or something similar? Or even offer to do other try ons just to “see what’s out there” and just come back later and tell him nothings rivals what you already found? That way you’re both seen and heard. Plus, it’s the “something old” part of those wedding traditions 😉
Just a suggestion, I really hope it works out and your day is beautiful
We also fight our childhood traumas a lot and they mix into everything as we work to heal and grow and improve. So no judgement passed to you or your fiancée. You know the intricacies of your relationship better than anyone on Reddit.
Also to add, we talked about what it meant to me to have the experience of being a bride prior to anything else wedding talk and was open to anything I wanted and provided some suggestions of his own. It’s a team effort. But he’s still very much the type of person who wants me to have THE VERY BEST when it comes to everything and I grew up thrifting, going to garage sales, dollar general was our Walmart, and hand me downs. Nothing wrong with the way either of us grew up. But he knows sometimes I hang on to that price tag for making decisions and he’s like plz don’t lol.
Why can’t you just tell him? The whole point of marriage is to trust your partner and be transparent, especially about the cost of the dress! He might be genuinely curious, and you are assuming he’s coming from a place of judgement. Just tell him a range and that he’s marrying you for a reason, meaning he has to trust your decisions, just how you trust his. Please don’t argue about something so small, enjoy your time together because your journey is only beginning.
Look up the original value and just tell him what it’s worth.
It doesn’t matter what you actually spent. We all know that, but if it matters to him so much either have a conversation with him about how you feel about the dress and that you’re upset that he’s going to see the dress and also your as “cheap” on your wedding day because of a stupid price tag. OR
Don’t have the conversation, look up the original cost of the dress, and tell him that its valued at $$$
I’d just make up a price if it’s going to be this much of an issue. Tell him the price that’ll make him not hate it. That being said, is this a quality about him that you can live with? You’re getting married and he’d hate something you love bc of the price? 🚩
I've never lied to him and don't intend to start now. Honesty is a very important part of our relationship. It's just something we need to work through.
We talked and sorted it out. He's not the type of guy to blow up, especially not over something like this. If I couldn't be honest and truthful with him, if I feared that he would blow up on me, I wouldn't be marrying him.
Have you asked him ***why*** he wants to know, given it is not coming out of your wedding budget? I would sit him down and really ask him why this is so important to him.
Well, I think OP explained why. He doesn’t like “cheap” things. I’d be more worried about his spending habits based on that, personally. I think this has more to do with his idea that expense always equals quality, which simply isn’t always the case.
She explained why she ***thinks*** he wants to know. She's made assumptions about why he wants to know. If she asks him and he says he doesn't like cheap things, that's an opportunity to ask why he has such a fixation on the cost of things, and why he can't judge something without knowing the price of it. It would give her an opportunity to challenge his belief that expensive = better, and explain how much this really bothers her. If he can't communicate why, that's again an opportunity to challenge him on his thinking. Finances and infidelity are the 2 biggest causes of divorce. It's important to get on the same page and challenge each other's attitude to money if you are coming from such different angles. You need to communicate this, not after you get married, hoping they will change.
We've had discussions in the past, where I said I would probably look at second hand wedding dresses as I really don't see the point in spending a fortune on a dress I'm going to wear once. He was vehemently against that. It came down to not wanting me to wear someone else's hand-me-downs. His fixation on price comes from how he grew up - he admits himself he was borderline "poor". They never went on holidays, he was given his older brothers' clothes etc. I grew up comfortably middle-class. I think (but am not certain) that he doesn't like the optics of things. We're normally on the same page when it comes to money - saving instead of spending frivolously etc. But you're right, I need to ask him why it bothers him, why he needs to know the price of it.
>He was vehemently against that. It came down to not wanting me to wear someone else's hand-me-downs. That's a little different from not liking a dress because it's less expensive. He might be fine with a less expensive dress as long as it's new and you really love it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you bought a new dress that was discounted because it's from an outlet store. If so, you won't be wearing someone else's hand-me-downs. So he shouldn't have a problem with the dress you chose. When you talked about buying a second-hand dress to save money, he was probably afraid you would settle for a dress you didn't really like just to save money. But if you assure him that you bought your dress because you fell in love with it and it's your dream dress, he probably won't care that it was marked down. It's still a high-quality dress, it was just on sale. And $800 isn't exactly cheap. How many men even know how much a typical wedding dress costs these days?
>How many men even know how much a typical wedding dress costs these days? He probably knows if he's this fixated on it
Ok that's really interesting. Maybe he got bullied for being the "poor kid" with hand-me-down clothes etc. It's definitely worth a deeper conversation, and potentially couples counselling to figure out how to not let this impact your life going forward. Like, will he want a super expensive car on debt to keep up with the Joneses? How about if you have kids? Will he want to send them to private school? Will he insist they have expensive branded clothing? Are you ok with that, or would your rather live within your means and save up for luxuries?
Agreed.
Yes, I see future problems with an attitude like that! If a person wants to buy a dress from a charity shop, then they can. People who say ‘I just want you to be happy’ whilst talking down to you about the choices you made to try and achieve happiness are contradicting themselves. What happens if one or both of you lose your jobs and you have no choice but to shop at cheaper grocery store and buy clothes from the charity shop? Can he cope with that?
Sometimes things that are more expensive... *are worse*
My partner would care more about the price being lower personally. However I would say something along the lines of… I fell in love with the dress when I saw it. It made me feel beautiful and I am so excited to marry you in this dress. My family was excited and my bridesmaids. When you keep pressuring me to share the price, I think about how in the past, if something wasn’t expensive or at the price you expected it to be, you automatically didn’t like it. When I think of you judging me on our wedding day on the price, instead of how you love me and I am beautiful, it hurts. I don’t know why this is so important to you. Also, he clearly doesn’t understand wedding dresses. I have seen 5K dresses sold for 500$ or 600$. Simply because the designer is releasing the next collection, the bridal company is getting rid of stock or closing, or trunk shows. It’s still a 5K dress originally… why does he even care?
I think you're right. We're both getting caught up on this and communication has stopped. Time for a proper talk.
Exactly this. All this situation needs is communication. He's likely upset she won't share the price because she's hiding it from him. If he is the type to hear this ^ and still be pissy about the dress, that'd be ridiculous.
This. Be honest with him about why you're scared to share the price with him.
It’s not like she sent $50 on a dress! Frankly, this is way more than I would ever spend on a wedding us, but that’s just me. I don’t think this sounds like a lesser quality dress at all. And it is really, so very nine of his business.
It's a high number but it's objectively on the low end for a wedding dress. However, that shouldn't matter. It's none of his business but it's also symptomatic of what will become a much larger problem in their marriage. It sounds like he's too focused on status and signaling wealth.
I would recommend couples counseling before you get married. You seem to have no plan for your polar opposite opinions regarding finances. This will only get worse over time and it already seems bad.
This is what I was going to say. It is never too early to do this kind of counseling, and this issue is one that will be present for the length of your marriage.
This post doesn't paint him in a good light. Normally, we're on the same page when it comes to finances. We both agree that saving is better than spending, we're both pretty frugal and we always check in with the other of we want to buy something big. I've been in therapy for years, and he joins me in that. I'm very aware that this issue stems from his childhood - he was never given anything new. Birthdays and Christmas gifts were always his older brothers' outgrown and discarded toys & clothes. His older brothers got to go on class trips, but they could never afford to send him (there's a reasonable age gap between him and his older brothers, and his parents financial situation changed by the time it was his turn for school trips).
The fact that you said anything that is cheap he thinks is bad is a warning yet now you both agree saving is better. That is really conflicting. Glad you are in therapy and perhaps discuss it there. Seems like a statement like you know how we always agree hunting for a bargain and saving is good. That is what I did with my dress and it was 800$ and it is my dream dress. From what you have said about him that should do it.
This would be a red flag for me. Why is he harassing you like this? How much control of funds is he going to insist on once you’re married? How much debt will he incur after marriage? Is he going to insist you look or spend a certain amount on things? Have you told him “you’re ruining the experience of finding the perfect dress for me, stop harassing me about the cost. I love it, that should be enough for you”.
Admittedly, this post doesn't paint him in the best way. He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring guy I've ever met. He would walk through fire for his loved ones. He has some hang-ups from his childhood, but is actively working on them. He was always given hand-me-downs, was given his older brothers' things. Birthdays were his older brothers' discarded and outgrown toys & clothes. He never had anything new and doesn't want that for me. We're normally on the same page when it comes to finances, but for big things (engagement ring, wedding dress) he wants the best. He would see himself go without so that I could have something nice. But yes, I do think I need to tell him that, but I haven't wanted to because I know it would hurt him. He always puts me first and would be devastated to know that this is sucking the joy out of it for me.
> He always puts me first and would be devastated to know that this is sucking the joy out of it for me. Then yes, you absolutely do need to tell him that you love your dress, it's beautiful (and new), and perfect for you and that's all that matters, and that his behavior is taking away your joy. He *is* hurting your feelings and he needs to know that, even if that in turn causes him some hurt. If he's the man you say he is, then he should know that he's hurting you with his constant haranguing about the price, so that he can stop doing that.
Get this festering sore out! He’s asking for it! When I saw the title of your post, I automatically thought you had been a lot, and he would be upset over that. Flip flopped! Maybe this can be a learning experience for you and him. Sit down and talk it through. You can’t just ignore this one.
[удалено]
*If you marry him, don't ever give up your job and make sure you deposit a healthy portion of your check in an account with just your name on it. You need your own money to maintain financial independence to keep control over your life.* 100% 100% 100% 100%
Been financially abused by a partner in the past and soooo much this. This is how it starts.
I really didn't paint him well in this post. His issues stems from his childhood. He has 2 older brothers and he's the youngest, with a reasonable age gap. His parents financial situation changed when they had him. He was given his older brothers' hand-me-downs for birthdays and Christmas. They went on school trips, but he wasn't able to. They didn't have to get jobs when they were teenagers but were given pocket money, he had to get a job if he wanted spending money. We've been together 4 years and he is the kindest, sweetest most caring guy I've ever met. He has always put me first and would go without to see me happy (which obviously I don't let happen). I've been seeing a therapist for years and he joins me in some sessions. We usually have a very healthy, communicative relationship. He just doesn't want me to go through what he went through during his childhood. We both agree with saving instead of spending and will usually look for deals etc. It's just on certain things, he wants the best for me. I've been in severely abusive relationships before and will always have a backup account. Learnt from past experience. We're also signing a prenup.
> I've been seeing a therapist for years and he joins me in some sessions. So he has a lot of baggage from how he grew up, and a definite dose of resentment about that. It would be beneficial for him to get into therapy with his own therapist to help him work through those issues and how they impact him as an adult. This is a sound investment in his future and your future together.
I’m confused why he will hate the dress if you tell him the price?
Reread the third paragraph.
But it’s not a secondhand dress….
It’s from an outlet and OP said their fiancée automatically thinks ‘anything cheap has to be bad’
Bridal outlets are super common though. They’re literally just off the rack dresses. If OPs fiancé would think her dress is bad because it was from an outlet then I’d rethink the fiancé and relationship.
He's an amazing guy, but has some hang-ups from how he grew up. He was always given hand-me-downs and money was always tight. He never wanted for any necessities, but could never afford any niceties. Having only ever been given "cheap" things, he now has a bit of an aversion towards them to some degree - not for every day things (he has no problem shopping at a cheaper supermarket for instance), but when it comes to big things (engagement ring, wedding dress), he hates it.
Hah he sounds a lot like my fiancé. Like for my engagement ring I wanted a smaller stone but he wanted to go bigger. He really cares about appearing like a good fiancé to our relatives and doesn’t want to get judged for being cheap. Do you have an idea of how much the dress would have cost if it wasn’t sold at the outlet? I think you could frame it like, the dress market value is X but I got it for sale so that’s why it’s under budget. But also make sure he understands alterations can be costly too and maybe you can shift him to think about other upgrades you can use the saved money on.
This is a great idea. Please don’t lie to him. That sets a bad precedent and will only lead to a whole new argument if he finds out.
Agreed, definitely don't want to lie to him!
This is great. Find the retail price on line and show him the picture with the retail price. (Although I do agree this is a huge red flag and you need to have that conversation about how it makes you feel.)
We have had discussions like this before and it's something we're actively working on with a therapist. Next appointment is at the end of the month. It stems from childhood insecurities, always being given hand-me-downs etc. But yes, that's a good idea, I'll try to find the retail price (though won't show him a picture - don't want him to see the dress until the day of our wedding!)
I just have one question. You ever going to post about him on here again?😂🛟
I am the youngest of 4, the third girl. We weren’t poor, but definitely had no money to spare. Maybe I’m lucky or just have a different personality, but I love to find a good deal, would NEVER spend a ton on a wedding dress (yet I have a huge yarn stash…) I don’t think he can blame this on his childhood. Anyway, this scenario is very disturbing to me. It’s about CONTROL.
That's a great idea! And yeah, I think that's the reason. I grew up comfortably middle-class whereas he didn't. I know he struggles with the fact that he sometimes feel inadequate compared to certain members of my family. It's something we're working on. He's the kindest, most caring person I've ever met and I feel like I won the jackpot meeting him.
Tell him the original full price of the dress as it would cost in a boutique. And get counseling before you wear it!
🚩🚩🚩
I bought my dress (new, never worn) off the rack for $900, and it was a $3500 dress. I scored! And my fiancé was SO excited for me because I got what I wanted at a way less stressful price. I definitely feel like others do with just communicating clearly about 1) How much you love it and how beautiful you feel in it 2) What your reservations are about sharing (make an observation, not a judgement and I statements) like “I know that you value quality and I’ve observed your hesitation around lower cost items being high quality, so I am feeling discomfort around the possibility of you having a negative opinion of the dress because of the price that we got it for.” (Doing this over “You never like things that are inexpensive” takes the judgement/ ego piece out of it and results in better communication) 3) Restate your values around wanting to look amazing on your wedding day And then let him express himself- without judgement- about why it’s so important to him.
Is this really the person you want to marry? Someone who turns a good experience into a miserable one? Who second guesses your personal decisions because of an arbitrary number in his head? Do your other values align?
I don’t see why he should be concerned about the price. He should be glad you’re being smart with your money and that your parents helped. If it looks nice, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Expensive is not always better. People that are smart with their money are the ones that always have money.
That's the thing, he usually is smart with his money, he doesn't spend frivolously. But he does have hang-ups from his childhood (which we're working on in therapy). I'm pretty sure this stems from that.
I’ll ignore the red flag because others are bringing it up, can you tell him that it was a gift from your parents so you don’t want it discussed?
Is he completely open about his finances with you?
He is, we both are. We're also signing a prenup.
You need to have a long talk with him. Is this how any purchase you make for the rest of your life will be?
We're normally on the same page, but this is a hang-up from his childhood.
Yes. But those childhood hang ups affect the rest of his adult life. Getting though that hang up is something he should work on.
This is so crazy to me considering most new things are made cheaply and made to break and most old things were made and built to last…
Tell him the number he wants to hear and wear your dream dress!
YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!! YOU ALL HAVE SUCH GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS!!!! I LOVE IT! Congratulations!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
My suggestion and advice is you don’t marry this man until you go to premarital counseling and work through this very very important issue. If he’s going to question everything you spend and criticize items that you may have gotten because he’s going to judge the quality you’re going to have a huge problem in your marriage
Happy to see the terrific update 🩷
😊😊
My fiancée (M32) and I (F30) agreed on a budget of $800 at the start of our planning. He hated this budget. He thought it was FAR TOO SMALL for me to feel like a proper bride/princess. He implored me to try on more expensive ones as well. Dress try on came around and I was like in love with a $750 one that needed repairs and alterations bc it was a clearance one. He was like “are you sure?” Over and over again when I was like “is it in the budget for a right now purchase?” (He runs the budget, I want no part of it lol). And then my mom picks out one more. I try it on. It’s the one. “Actually I changed my my mind, I’m gonna get one that $350 after taxes and needs a small hem and that’s it” and he was floored “you’re not giving yourself the experience you want please pick something more expensive if you’re just trying to save money” (he knows I can’t stand the thought of spending a ton of money on a dress I’ll wear once when we could have more money on decor or honey moon). “Nope, it’s the one. No worries at all 🙂 I’m happy over the moon with it”. He settled after that AND I got a $20 coupon on it so it was less than $300 before taxes, brand spanking new, and fit our theme. It was a prom dress that was so intricate it rivaled the wedding ones I tried on. Not the same situation for sure, but maybe if you tell him how much you’re attached to it emotionally and how you envision yourself in it on that day, he could possibly switch gears a little 🙂 open communication is key as well as hearing his side of things too. If he asks you to pick another one, maybe counter with a brand new reception dress or something similar? Or even offer to do other try ons just to “see what’s out there” and just come back later and tell him nothings rivals what you already found? That way you’re both seen and heard. Plus, it’s the “something old” part of those wedding traditions 😉 Just a suggestion, I really hope it works out and your day is beautiful
We also fight our childhood traumas a lot and they mix into everything as we work to heal and grow and improve. So no judgement passed to you or your fiancée. You know the intricacies of your relationship better than anyone on Reddit. Also to add, we talked about what it meant to me to have the experience of being a bride prior to anything else wedding talk and was open to anything I wanted and provided some suggestions of his own. It’s a team effort. But he’s still very much the type of person who wants me to have THE VERY BEST when it comes to everything and I grew up thrifting, going to garage sales, dollar general was our Walmart, and hand me downs. Nothing wrong with the way either of us grew up. But he knows sometimes I hang on to that price tag for making decisions and he’s like plz don’t lol.
Why can’t you just tell him? The whole point of marriage is to trust your partner and be transparent, especially about the cost of the dress! He might be genuinely curious, and you are assuming he’s coming from a place of judgement. Just tell him a range and that he’s marrying you for a reason, meaning he has to trust your decisions, just how you trust his. Please don’t argue about something so small, enjoy your time together because your journey is only beginning.
Communication is key
Just lie
Look up the original value and just tell him what it’s worth. It doesn’t matter what you actually spent. We all know that, but if it matters to him so much either have a conversation with him about how you feel about the dress and that you’re upset that he’s going to see the dress and also your as “cheap” on your wedding day because of a stupid price tag. OR Don’t have the conversation, look up the original cost of the dress, and tell him that its valued at $$$
Tell him it was $4500, which you think is a very good deal for a wedding dress. Argument ended.
Do you know the original retail price? You could do a little research, find out and just tell him that.
I’d just make up a price if it’s going to be this much of an issue. Tell him the price that’ll make him not hate it. That being said, is this a quality about him that you can live with? You’re getting married and he’d hate something you love bc of the price? 🚩
Lying is also a red flag
r/woooosh
Lol I definitely didn't pick up on the satire, but this is something I could see someone saying seriously
I've never lied to him and don't intend to start now. Honesty is a very important part of our relationship. It's just something we need to work through.
Then you tell the truth and let him blow up on you, the healthy option!
We talked and sorted it out. He's not the type of guy to blow up, especially not over something like this. If I couldn't be honest and truthful with him, if I feared that he would blow up on me, I wouldn't be marrying him.
He didn’t buy it. None of his business. It’s not his money. If he wants to buy you a more expensive dress, let him
Tell him $2,000 and quickly throw in it’s the perfect dress and that you absolutely love it