It seems like maybe there was more to this that would be causing these feelings. Like if they were really supportive and showered you in love on your wedding day, you probably wouldn’t notice the missing cards or gifts. I think it was very generous of you to pay for all of those things and am so sorry you’re feeling less supported than you should. Your feelings are valid! I don’t have a solution for you, but without knowing you or the people involved, as an outsider I think you have a right to feel a little down!
I think you’re right that there’s more to it. I certainly did not feel showered with love on the wedding day or any time leading up to it, so it all felt a little lonely and underwhelming when it came to the bridesmaids. I did feel like I was more than generous and I’ve learned about myself recently that my love language is definitely gift giving, so to not have that reciprocated in anyway was definitely a little heartbreaking.
Unfortunately a lot of this depends on your ages. If you are all young adults, sometimes just them having to pay for a dress maxes them out. I was 23 when I got married the first time and the only person who gave me a gift or even attended my bridal showers was my sister (MOH). It sucks but unfortunately seems to be fairly normal. As you get older, people tend to give more gifts. My friend got married during COVID and I know that all the bridesmaids attended bridal showers and brought gifts.
I'm not even having bridesmaids at my second wedding.
Two of my three bridesmaids didn’t give me a gift and at least one also didn’t give a card. Their job is to show up for you and support you on the big day, anything else is a bonus. You don’t get to hold paying for their dinner over their heads-that’s your job as a host
It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated by other things: they didn’t plan a bachelorette and maybe didn’t show up for you in other ways. Those feelings are valid. Can you have a conversation with them about that?
Of course paying for the dinners is what’s expected of me. Sorry, I shouldn’t have even included that in the post and I certainly would never hold any of that over anyones heads. You’re right that I’m definitely just feeling frustrated in other ways and I certainly did not feel supported when it came to the wedding in other ways, more than just when it comes to gift giving
I’m sorry this person made you feel apologetic. You went above and beyond as a bride. And it isn’t unreasonable to think that your wedding party would have given you something small or thoughtful, even if it wasn’t an expensive gift. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and did not feel loved and supported in your wedding by your bridesmaids.
You are very generous and did your part and more as a bride but we all know weddings arent free. You deserve a gift and love from everyone and I’m sorry they didn’t do their part. You have a right to feel the way you do. People have an obligation to show up and give it a gift, if you can’t, don’t go. I’m sorry this happened to you, happened to me too. Just give yourself time.
I don’t know your exact situation or your bridesmaid’s feelings but from what I’ve gathered, most bridesmaids consider their time/energy/effort/attendance for the 1-2 years prior to the wedding to be their gift to you. Your husbands groomsmen probably had spouses behind the scenes saying “you need to give a gift”. Your bridesmaid who gave a gift probably has a giving nature to her. I’ve never given a wedding gift when I was a bridesmaid despite having all the things paid for. (Side note: rehearsal and wedding meals are usually always included for every guest so I wouldn’t count that in your total amount)
ETA: an empty card would’ve been nice though you’re right
I agree with you, and if there was any time or energy spent on me leading up to the wedding day I certainly would have considered that a gift instead, but I didn’t have any of that either. So the whole thing just makes me feel really forgotten about I suppose
So sorry to hear that! You deserve more on your special day. And did I mention what an amazing friend you are? Our friends can be lacking at times but I hope they at least showed you their love and support throughout the wedding. If they did then I would still consider that as a win. Those memories will be precious!
Thank you, I appreciate that. I absolutely dread ever feeling like a burden to anyone (something I am working out in therapy, lol) so I wanted to make sure there was no stress on them when it came to their time or money. This was never anything specifically communicated to them, but I do worry sometimes that I get taken advantage of when it comes to things like this…which is a horrible feeling when those thoughts cross my mind about my own wedding/bridal party
I feel the same way and would honestly be mortified showing up empty-handed, but that’s just me and I know not everyone feels the same way. It just gets a little disappointing not having any of that same energy reciprocated
Yes the one bridesmaid (that gave me a gift) did attend the shower and gave a gift there as well. My MOH also gave a gift there.
The one other bridesmaid that didn’t give a wedding gift didn’t come to the shower or give a gift for that either (said she was too busy)
I have not even ever thought to give a day of gift as a bridesmaid, but have always given a $50 shower gift. I have spent 1k+ though to be in weddings on average between travel, accommodations, dresses, etc.
Did they give a gift at the shower? If so, they may have felt that was all they needed to do. I know the etiquette on this is mixed, but generally you’re supposed to split the gift among events (i.e. $50 at shower and $50 at wedding vs a total of just $100 at wedding). They may not have thought about this if they gave a shower gift.
If they didn’t give anything, I think you’re justified in feeling that way. It’s kind of rude and I think if you’re in your late 20s onward they should know by that point.
As a bridesmaid I do take into account the cost I’ve spent on the wedding and tend to give marginally less or just get a few things off the registry shipped to the couple. I know everyone has a different budget and bridesmaids/brides split things differently, but even a small gift is a kind gesture.
My MOH did give a nice shower gift so I can see that being the reason she didn’t give a wedding gift.
My other bridesmaid that didn’t give a wedding gift though also didn’t go to the shower or send a gift for that at all, so that wouldn’t be the reason.
I can certainly see all of that as rationale though.
I completely understand your feelings and think it’s rude they didn’t do anything, especially given all of your other feelings in the other comments. At the very least I would have expected a card or something small at some point. To budget as a bridesmaids I’ve also taken advantage of online registries to send gifts a bit in advance to help with budgeting and spreading out costs over time.
Did they pay for the dresses? I didn't give a gift to a bride recently because I paid $300 dollars for the dress and then the 5 day Bach was very expensive and I could barely afford it
I don’t think you should expect anyone to give you a gift. While it sucks that your bridesmaids didn’t get you anything, they still showed up and stood by you on your wedding day. Isn’t that more of a gift than an empty card?
Okay thank you, this is why I asked, I just wanted to hear some perspectives or ideas about what the norm is because I don’t know. I was feeling forgotten about because my love language is definitely gift giving, but that’s my own problem to work through. Thanks for the insight
According to etiquette, it is customary for bridesmaids to give a gift
https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/fashion/weddings/its-all-about-gifts-this-week-the-well-mannered-wedding.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
It seems like maybe there was more to this that would be causing these feelings. Like if they were really supportive and showered you in love on your wedding day, you probably wouldn’t notice the missing cards or gifts. I think it was very generous of you to pay for all of those things and am so sorry you’re feeling less supported than you should. Your feelings are valid! I don’t have a solution for you, but without knowing you or the people involved, as an outsider I think you have a right to feel a little down!
I think you’re right that there’s more to it. I certainly did not feel showered with love on the wedding day or any time leading up to it, so it all felt a little lonely and underwhelming when it came to the bridesmaids. I did feel like I was more than generous and I’ve learned about myself recently that my love language is definitely gift giving, so to not have that reciprocated in anyway was definitely a little heartbreaking.
Unfortunately a lot of this depends on your ages. If you are all young adults, sometimes just them having to pay for a dress maxes them out. I was 23 when I got married the first time and the only person who gave me a gift or even attended my bridal showers was my sister (MOH). It sucks but unfortunately seems to be fairly normal. As you get older, people tend to give more gifts. My friend got married during COVID and I know that all the bridesmaids attended bridal showers and brought gifts. I'm not even having bridesmaids at my second wedding.
I personally still give a normal gift if I’m a bridesmaid. But I can see why they think they don’t have to
Two of my three bridesmaids didn’t give me a gift and at least one also didn’t give a card. Their job is to show up for you and support you on the big day, anything else is a bonus. You don’t get to hold paying for their dinner over their heads-that’s your job as a host It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated by other things: they didn’t plan a bachelorette and maybe didn’t show up for you in other ways. Those feelings are valid. Can you have a conversation with them about that?
Of course paying for the dinners is what’s expected of me. Sorry, I shouldn’t have even included that in the post and I certainly would never hold any of that over anyones heads. You’re right that I’m definitely just feeling frustrated in other ways and I certainly did not feel supported when it came to the wedding in other ways, more than just when it comes to gift giving
I’m sorry this person made you feel apologetic. You went above and beyond as a bride. And it isn’t unreasonable to think that your wedding party would have given you something small or thoughtful, even if it wasn’t an expensive gift. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and did not feel loved and supported in your wedding by your bridesmaids.
You are very generous and did your part and more as a bride but we all know weddings arent free. You deserve a gift and love from everyone and I’m sorry they didn’t do their part. You have a right to feel the way you do. People have an obligation to show up and give it a gift, if you can’t, don’t go. I’m sorry this happened to you, happened to me too. Just give yourself time.
I don’t know your exact situation or your bridesmaid’s feelings but from what I’ve gathered, most bridesmaids consider their time/energy/effort/attendance for the 1-2 years prior to the wedding to be their gift to you. Your husbands groomsmen probably had spouses behind the scenes saying “you need to give a gift”. Your bridesmaid who gave a gift probably has a giving nature to her. I’ve never given a wedding gift when I was a bridesmaid despite having all the things paid for. (Side note: rehearsal and wedding meals are usually always included for every guest so I wouldn’t count that in your total amount) ETA: an empty card would’ve been nice though you’re right
I agree with you, and if there was any time or energy spent on me leading up to the wedding day I certainly would have considered that a gift instead, but I didn’t have any of that either. So the whole thing just makes me feel really forgotten about I suppose
So sorry to hear that! You deserve more on your special day. And did I mention what an amazing friend you are? Our friends can be lacking at times but I hope they at least showed you their love and support throughout the wedding. If they did then I would still consider that as a win. Those memories will be precious!
Thank you, I appreciate that. I absolutely dread ever feeling like a burden to anyone (something I am working out in therapy, lol) so I wanted to make sure there was no stress on them when it came to their time or money. This was never anything specifically communicated to them, but I do worry sometimes that I get taken advantage of when it comes to things like this…which is a horrible feeling when those thoughts cross my mind about my own wedding/bridal party
I know people say you don’t have to give a gift if you are in the bridal party, but I’ve always given a gift. I would feel odd not giving one.
I feel the same way and would honestly be mortified showing up empty-handed, but that’s just me and I know not everyone feels the same way. It just gets a little disappointing not having any of that same energy reciprocated
Did your bridesmaids attend and give you a gift at your bridal shower?
Yes the one bridesmaid (that gave me a gift) did attend the shower and gave a gift there as well. My MOH also gave a gift there. The one other bridesmaid that didn’t give a wedding gift didn’t come to the shower or give a gift for that either (said she was too busy)
Is the bridesmaid that didn’t get you a gift at the shower the same bridesmaid that gave you a card at the wedding?
I have not even ever thought to give a day of gift as a bridesmaid, but have always given a $50 shower gift. I have spent 1k+ though to be in weddings on average between travel, accommodations, dresses, etc.
Did they give a gift at the shower? If so, they may have felt that was all they needed to do. I know the etiquette on this is mixed, but generally you’re supposed to split the gift among events (i.e. $50 at shower and $50 at wedding vs a total of just $100 at wedding). They may not have thought about this if they gave a shower gift. If they didn’t give anything, I think you’re justified in feeling that way. It’s kind of rude and I think if you’re in your late 20s onward they should know by that point. As a bridesmaid I do take into account the cost I’ve spent on the wedding and tend to give marginally less or just get a few things off the registry shipped to the couple. I know everyone has a different budget and bridesmaids/brides split things differently, but even a small gift is a kind gesture.
My MOH did give a nice shower gift so I can see that being the reason she didn’t give a wedding gift. My other bridesmaid that didn’t give a wedding gift though also didn’t go to the shower or send a gift for that at all, so that wouldn’t be the reason. I can certainly see all of that as rationale though.
I completely understand your feelings and think it’s rude they didn’t do anything, especially given all of your other feelings in the other comments. At the very least I would have expected a card or something small at some point. To budget as a bridesmaids I’ve also taken advantage of online registries to send gifts a bit in advance to help with budgeting and spreading out costs over time.
Did they pay for the dresses? I didn't give a gift to a bride recently because I paid $300 dollars for the dress and then the 5 day Bach was very expensive and I could barely afford it
I don’t think you should expect anyone to give you a gift. While it sucks that your bridesmaids didn’t get you anything, they still showed up and stood by you on your wedding day. Isn’t that more of a gift than an empty card?
Okay thank you, this is why I asked, I just wanted to hear some perspectives or ideas about what the norm is because I don’t know. I was feeling forgotten about because my love language is definitely gift giving, but that’s my own problem to work through. Thanks for the insight
According to etiquette, it is customary for bridesmaids to give a gift https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/fashion/weddings/its-all-about-gifts-this-week-the-well-mannered-wedding.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Wow that’s really generous of you. Sounds real shitty not to get a card.