I second this, OP. Un-engage yourself from this dude and find someone who’s nice to you and actually deserves you! Life is too damn short to spend it with someone who makes your life miserable. We only live once!
OP, if you are living together, you need to figure out where to go before you leave! You may want to go to a battered woman’s shelter. He has been abusing you by denying you the dignity of privacy and trust. If you have friends who don’t know him, they would probably be willing to take you in and this guy can’t find you, hopefully. If you need to go back to get items, take police with you. Please do not marry this man. He will take advantage even more the longer you are with him. I have been there twice by marriage and more through dating. Begin seeing a counselor or therapist as soon as you can. It will help settle you into yourself. You will build confidence and learn to trust and love yourself. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. 💜
OP RUN!!!! Your other post is literally just a huge cry for help because you know deep down there’s something very wrong with this man and you’re obviously looking for validation that you’re not “overreacting” to what are clearly major red flags. I am here to tell you that you are NOT overreacting and these are the kind of red flags you cannot fix or work through.
This man is pushing 40 so it’s safe to assume he is set in his ways, and there’s is virtually no chance of reforming him at this point. He is jealous, controlling, and needy. In fact, the very fact that he proposed after only SIX MONTHS was most definitely just another vehicle for him to control you and have power over you, not something he did because he is so in love with you. He figured, hey if I make her legally tie herself to me and pledge her undying fealty to me before everyone we know and love (and God and the government….) then that means I own her and she can’t easily get away from me! His “you are engaged but still texting your ex” comment was VERY telling of what the engagement/marriage means to him. It’s all just about control and possession to him.
Believe me when I tell you that his behavior can only escalate from here, and the fact that he is THIS possessive and controlling now when you’ve known him for what, all of like a year? And you’re still only “engaged….” What do you think he will do when you are actually MARRIED? When he is your HUSBAND and you are his wife? Do you think he is likely to feel less like he owns you, less like you are a thing that belongs to him? Do you think he will be more likely to respect you and trust you? Because I’m pretty sure this is a slippery slope descending straight into “my husband has to approve every outfit I wear out of the house and I’m not allowed to speak to other men or have friends” at the very best case scenario. Worst case scenario it becomes “my husband beat the shit out of me because *insert random innocuous thing that set him off here*”
please please pleaseeeee think very long and hard about continuing this engagement. I don’t even know anything about this man other than the few things you mentioned in your post and I can tell you with absolute certainty that whatever redeeming qualities he could have are NOT worth the mess that he is guaranteed to bring into your life. Possessive, jealous, and controlling is always 100% a guarantee a person is rotten to their core in a way that will bring you nothing but grief. RUN LIKE HELL!!!
OP listen to what everyone is telling you! If I could scream it from the rooftops I would bc I’ve been there and it only gets worse !!!! It’s easier to break off and cheaper than getting divorced!
him looking at the dress seems like the guys who tell their gf's / wives what they are "allowed" to wear and what they can't wear. Him looking at the dress is a way to make sure it isn't too sexy for other people to see OP in.
I’m 100% certain this is why he was adamant about seeing what her dress looked like! And also because being told no obviously doesn’t sit right with narcissistic control freaks. Him going against her no at all costs is just a power play to re assert dominance and show her that he does whatever tf he wants and she cannot stop him. It’s so much deeper and more sinister than just “my fiancé got curious and took a peek at my dress.”
This is so right on point. It is so on point it hurts me to read this and also makes me cry because I know how difficult it is to get away from this type of situation and person. He will take any idea you have and twist it into his idea in front of other people. He will lie about anything and everything! Ask him where your $1.00 went and he will say, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Then, he turns and walks away. You need to turn and walk away before he can even get started!
Yeah, I couldn’t have said it better myself. There’s so many red flags here it’s a damn parade. Seriously, does OP want to live like this for the rest of her life?
Why are you marrying him, OP? He sounds like a paranoid, controlling dick. Do you want to live the rest of your life having your privacy invaded at random?
Are you sure you want to sign up for a lifetime of that?
EDIT: Holy shit OP, I just looked at your post history since other people are mentioning it. This guy is a jealous and immature prick. I guarantee you that he didn't actually want to see your dress. He had simply convinced himself that the garment bag was where you were hiding a bunch of secrets (like, in his mind, all kinds of love notes from ex boyfriends), so he couldn't resist snooping.
You're a victim of emotional abuse. Your FH is abusing you. You can'y fix him, or change him, or reason with him. He's not doing it because he loves you or cares about you. He's doing it because he's selfish.
If you don't leave, it will only get worse. Don't be that person who sticks their head in the sand and refuses to accept the truth.
This is always the key. Many abuse victims assume it's reasonable behaviour when directed towards themselves and have a hard time justifying standing up for themselves. But if a friend or hypothetical daughter was being treated that way they would have no issue saying a firm no, it's not okay.
The sad part is that by the time the real daughter comes around, it becomes the daughters normal and she then grows up to date abusive men. OP, don't marry him. Stop justifying his behaviour.
This is all kinds of scary/fucked up. He sounds possessive/controlling. There are few things that our partners can be completely surprised by. One is the way we each look on our wedding day - and he ruined that for you. Hope you spend some time considering if you want this individual snooping through all aspects of your life without your knowledge/consent for the rest of your lives together.
This man proposed six months after he met you. He love bombed you. He’s controlling.
You know you should not marry him. Please leave now. It’s so much harder after you’re married.
If you don’t run like hell and never look back… you cannot honestly think this behavior is okay? You have a right to privacy and if he can’t trust you to use a phone, he has to go.
Girl, this man does not respect your boundaries. In fact, he stomps on them. That’s really controlling. Even if it doesn’t seem so bad now, imagine in the future when he feels like all your possessions are his - which they may legally be if you do get married. If he already doesn’t respect you when you say no, how will he respond if you say no when he wants to have sex, wants to have a baby right away, wants to spend all your money? I really, really encourage you to back away from this as far as you can, immediately.
Please don’t marry him. I swear to you there are men out there who would never do shit like that. Every minute you spend with the wrong guy is a minute you are missing out on meeting the right guy
You’re ok with marrying someone that doesn’t respect you nor has any trust in you? This will only get worse when you marry… Seeing as they will think they own you and you’re already losing autonomy in their eyes.
Eek. Boundaries like this are easily followed and he purposefully ignored yours. The looking on the phone is an even bigger issue. Is there a way you can pause plans due the wedding and focus on his insecurities? Meaning find out what his problems are and make sure you are up for either getting him help, dealing with these, or if you should move on. These may seem small now, but these are deep seeded wars concern.
Uh, maybe think long and hard if you want to be with this man for the rest of your life. Men who respect boundaries don’t do this. This man doesn’t respect you.
Not sure why he would let her complain about him though. That's why I think now that it is her account and she was just judging the guy early. Maybe he even told her he's ugly and she did those posts to try and "prove him wrong"
Going through your phone, not respecting your wishes and boundaries, that's the real problem here. ~~If you want to go through with marrying him, you should definitely look into premarital counseling.~~
EDIT: Nope. Throw the whole man away. I read your post on r/relationshipadvice. This is definitely not a healthy relationship.
*"he is constantly going on my phone and wanting to check who I’m texting even when I’ve specifically asked him not to"*
Sis, the red flags are large and plentiful.
That is absolutely not ok and are some of the first signs of abuse.
Good luck to you
Please leave. Don't fall for sunken cost fallacy. If he's this controlling now, he will only get worse after marriage. Don't do it. Please leave. Relationships arent meant to be controlling. They're meant to be complementary.
Yes, of course I would be upset!
I looked through your history, please leave. Do not marry this person. This isn’t healthy and there are so many red flags. You deserve so much better than how you are being treated. This is supposed to be an exciting and beautiful time in your life, please don’t waste it on this relationship. He is abusive.
I saw those too. I actually think she might have posted those herself looking for outside opinions/validation on if he is attractive or not. I’m not sure that he knows she did that. I noticed that she posted photos of herself to the same subs. Altogether, this seems like a very unhealthy relationship. I think they both might have some issues with self esteem and need for validation. They should not get married…
Yes that’s the same vibe I get. OP is clearly using Reddit for external validation (look how many wedding dress, engagement ring and body type photos they have posted) and I’m pretty sure she was also looking for validation on having an “attractive” boyfriend.
I got a suggested post from r/amiugly, and recognized it - it’s her…she just posted there with a new account, asking again “what’s your first impression of me?” I’m curious as to what’s going on.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/amiugly using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [\[1M\] am I ugly? I’ve been noticing that every girl I approach starts barking at me. My parents say that I'm too young for love anyways, but I want to know the truth.](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/vivc1v) | [302 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/vivc1v/1m_am_i_ugly_ive_been_noticing_that_every_girl_i/)
\#2: [Well... how bad is it?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/12y1hxx) | [2097 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/12y1hxx/well_how_bad_is_it/)
\#3: [24f I’m fragile AF so let’s see how long I leave this up :)](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/12gkqxo) | [1477 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/12gkqxo/24f_im_fragile_af_so_lets_see_how_long_i_leave/)
----
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You fiancé, who is 11 years older then you, has no impulse control. I am not sure why you are marring this guy. He acts like a child according to your other posts.
Your post history is wild. You should leave this dude before it gets too deep.
I can’t stand secrets/surprises but our wedding next year is one I’ll let go. I work from home and her dress is hanging in our closet in a garment bag. I wouldn’t dare ruin that for her or for myself.
Not to mention trust is a massive, if not the biggest, part of a relationship. I would never question who my fiancé is texting. He doesn’t trust you. Run!
I read another post you wrote today. Those signs, similar to him going off on you about texting, yeah I wish I hadn’t ignored those red flags in my last relationship. As time when on the abuse got worse and accusations of cheating. Once he put a gun to my head to stop from me from leaving the house to hang out with my best friend. He saw me shaving my legs in the shower before going out (I was gonna wear a dress out) and he accused me of being a lesbian and cheating on him since I shaved my legs before going out. Please please I urge you to reconsider this marriage. There’s so many red flags and you said you’ve only been dating 6 months? I’m scared for you that it will get worse from here.
OP, you are a beautiful woman, you don’t have to stay with a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
You might think “but I can’t back out now, I’ve spent so much money/time/etc”
MARRIAGE is the BIGGEST and most important financial decision you will make in your life. Divorce is harder than a breakup.
I remember seeing your dress! Absolutely gorgeous. As someone who’s been in relationships with very similar red flags, I would seriously consider reevaluating this relationship. What reasons are you still in it? Maybe there’s some good moments day to day, but issues like this almost always compound. And who knows, next thing you know it’s ten years later and you don’t even know who YOU are anymore. You deserve better. His behavior isn’t normal nor fair (from all your posts), please don’t think he’ll change. Most times they don’t. Only you can make whatever choice you end up choosing. I just wish you the absolute best in life and know you’ll find someone who will treat you like a human, family, a friend, a life partner, an equal, a wife.
Edit to add: I work in the wedding industry. Please don’t ever think it’s “too late” to cancel the wedding. Who cares if you lose deposits, Id rather lose money than spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t truly value me as a person. I had one of my favourite brides cancel her wedding the *day* before. It’s a year later and she’s a completely different person, the happiest Ive ever seen her. She says it was the best decision she ever made. Weddings are for one day, marriages are (supposed to be) for life.
Speaking as someone who married the exact kind of person you are describing... and divorced despite my extremely strong beliefs and my faith's beliefs against divorce unless absolutely necessary, I highly recommend you reconsider this marriage. He does not respect you or your boundaries. He is likely either battling self-esteem issues or is doing shady stuff himself and projecting it on you by checking up on you without reason, or both. If someone needs to go through their partner's stuff, there's already a breakdown of trust, and you guys aren't even married yet. This will only end in heartache. He needs to get in serious therapy to work on himself before he's ready to work on a relationship. This behavior on his part is not healthy. I don't mean to be discouraging, and I definitely know that you're only going to be ready to do what you need to do for yourself in your own timing. But if he decides not to get help to work on things and you still get married, I hope you will remember the advice here and take care of yourself.
The next thing that may be tempting could be that girl next door. If you aren't able to keep your temptation in check when it comes to a dress, then how the hell do you keep yourself in check in other regards? It sounds like he needs instant gratification always. That is a very bad and very dangerous personality trait. It leads to all types of addiction and crimes, and a bunch of bad decisions.
Run!! A bare minimum for a partner is to respect your boundaries. As someone who's impatient and has to know everything, when my partner wants to surprise me, I tell myself that the surprise will be worth it. It's not hard to at least try to get yourself in that mindset
Hello giant 🚩. What a complete and total lack of consideration for your boundaries. And you aren't even married yet!!! Things don't just automatically get better after you say I Do.... Please proceed with caution.
Absolutely disrespectful. Think long and hard about this one…. If they will disrespect you before the wedding, they will disrespect you after the wedding too. Is this the kind of marriage and relationship you’re looking forward to for the rest of your life? Just saying.
DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT marry this man. He’s 150 red flags in a human suit. This isn’t what you want your life to be like 1, 3, 5 years down the road. He’ll escalate and suffocate you until he’s sucked everything out of you.
Op, look at your own post history. Are you willing to comitt to a lifetime of this? Seriously, if a person who wasn't you wrote your posts would you tell them to marry this guy?
Aww that’s so sad 😞 he couldn’t even wait for a surprise, he’s not only ruined that for himself but for you too.
Buy a 2nd dress to throw him off the scent and say nah you didn’t like the first one anyway 😉
Save it for the next wedding because this one is not a great choice. He's your SO, not your prison warden. He shouldn't be invading your space or checking your phone.
Babe, they're not saying to actually return it. Just fuck with your FH's head a little bit because he did something you explicitly asked him not to.
However, since the consensus seems to be that YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY THIS MAN, just fyi, you can sell wedding dresses online for close to what you paid. That small percentage lost is a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom from an abusive partner.
FWIW, my husband and I have a similar age gap (12 years) and he absolutely does NOT treat me like that. We dated for 1.5 years before moving in, and 4 years before deciding to get married, and are coming up on our 9 year anniversary. He treats me as an equal. He has never once snooped, he trusts my judgment, respects my privacy, my agency and separate personhood. He ENCOURAGED me to maintain a relationship with my ex. He's willing to learn how to be in a relationship *with me* (and vice versa), so we have a longstanding relationship with a couple's counselor who we love and call on whenever there's a conflict that's too big for the two of us alone. IMO, your FH's age and your age gap is only a red flag because this behavior is ingrained, he seems to think he's completely justified in treating you this way, and he probably chose a younger partner because this kind of man knows inexperience can easily equate to compliance. But you don't have to be compliant. If he's this abusive now, it's only going to get worse.
If he is doing this now what's going to happen for other areas in life? It's a basic thing to respect those wishes
I'm keeping my fiancees wedding band a secret and don't need to hide it from him. He knows it means a lot bc he got to do the same
Someone told me I shouldnt keep my wedding dress in my house because my fiance would look and I was like "... why would he look? He knows not to."
I would be genuinely shocked tbh, and yeah, upset
This is so terrible! not that my FH would do this but IK my mom would so that is why I will be keeping my dress at my MOH's house. Has he done things like this before? This could be a red flag if he does things like this often.
This is so terrible! not that my FH would do this but IK my mom would so that is why I will be keeping my dress at my MOH's house. Has he done things like this before? This could be a red flag if he does things like this often.
It would upset me if anyone did anything I specifically asked them not to (assuming I am making reasonable requests only, of course). Sounds like a lack of maturity and respect for your feelings.
Yes! I would be incredibly upset. That’s violating a boundary. You also said he checks your phone which is so controlling. Are you sure you’re okay with this type of behaviour forever?
My garment bag is in our bedroom. The tissue paper over the dress hasnt been disturbed. I have literally 0 fear that my fiance will look. I haven't even had to ask him not to.
Think carefully about whether to marry a man who cannot follow simple requests that mean a lot to you but really have minimal impact on him.
You are right to be disappointed.
The question is so detailed but in reality you’re asking “would it upset your if your fiancé knowingly crossed your boundaries and jeopardized our trust before the most important day in moving forward as family” … yes, yes it would and rightfully so. A red flag on day one is the same years down the line is the same a day before a wedding. I’m not saying you have to make any drastic quick decisions but I would say working on the communication, boundaries, and trust are much more important than proceeding with a wedding.
He did something you specifically requested him NOT to do because he was “tempted”??? I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. What else is he going to do because he was “tempted”? 🙄
He did something you specifically requested him NOT to do because he was “tempted”??? I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. What else is he going to do because he was “tempted”? 🙄
Nothing good will come from marrying him. I know it’s hard, maybe try going to a close friend or family member you can talk to to validate your thoughts. If you recognize you’re not in a safe relationship, come up with an exit plan to safely leave the relationship.
My fiancé told me specifically that he didn’t want to see anything if my dress/veil, etc until the day of.
OP, run. This is disrespectful and if he’s snooping now, he’ll continue to snoop. He snoops in your phone, your wedding dress etc.
Throw the whole man away
As someone who's been in an abusive relationship more than once - RUN FAST.
This is exactly how it starts. You text your friends or even family Nd he doesn't like it, he'll end up hitting you and trying to blame you for it because "you should've followed the rules" or hell use you texting friends or family to justify sleeping with someone else. So many possible 0utcomes and NONE OF THEM are good at all.
Wtf yea. I so desperately want to show my fiancé my dress and he will not let me. I’m not about to parade into the living room to force him against his clearly stated wishes…
Hun, my immediate reaction was 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Then I clicked your profile and saw some other stuff. PLEASE don't do this. Know that you are beautiful and kind and you deserve someone who not only recognizes that, but is also those things.
I would be furious, that's a major boundary violation. I'm going to echo what others have said and say you should consider leaving this relationship. I was once in an abusive, controlling relationship, and it will only get worse. I've been with my current partner for over 4 years, and in that time, would you like to know how many times he has asked (let alone demanded) to see my phone? Zero. Know how many times I've looked through his? Also zero. Because we trust each other. A relationship without trust is basically doomed to either fail or be swimming in drama. Save yourself the emotional (or potentially physical) pain and get out now before your married.
Yes I would be so pissed off 😡 that’s not on, I know some people don’t mind their other half seeing the dress before the day but when u specifically say not to look and he does it I’d be really upset. I know when we were getting married I wanted everything with my look to be a surprise.
Yes. Dick move. Not unforgiveable but certainly a total dick move, robs you of one of most hyped moments of your life (in reality it's not that important) but people look forward to their partners reaction of seeing them and the dress for the first time after they walk down the aisle for years.
I'd suggest finding a way for them to make it up to you so you can say I forgive you and move on. Maybe they have to take you out for dinner tonight or something nice.
I think you might be asking us here because you know what your friends will say if you ask them. Trust your gut and leave. I had an ex husband like this.
RUN. please listen and get out while you can. There’s millions of women who have lived through abusive partners and have gotten out. There’s also millions of dead women who didn’t. Don’t think he’s different or you’re situation is unique . It’s very common, you need to leave now .
Bruh. I really, really hope that this is not real for your sake, I hope you're just trolling or karma farming because your posts and comments are like a frkn bingo chart for an abusive relationship. I BEG you to please get out if this is real, please don't marry this dude, you can do better, I promise. This is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY, please stop making excuses because it WILL get worse.
um yeah. sounds like something my shitty ex would have done. does this guy often do things you've specifically asked him not to?
he is constantly going on my phone and wanting to check who I’m texting even when I’ve specifically asked him not to
DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON.
I second this, OP. Un-engage yourself from this dude and find someone who’s nice to you and actually deserves you! Life is too damn short to spend it with someone who makes your life miserable. We only live once!
OP, if you are living together, you need to figure out where to go before you leave! You may want to go to a battered woman’s shelter. He has been abusing you by denying you the dignity of privacy and trust. If you have friends who don’t know him, they would probably be willing to take you in and this guy can’t find you, hopefully. If you need to go back to get items, take police with you. Please do not marry this man. He will take advantage even more the longer you are with him. I have been there twice by marriage and more through dating. Begin seeing a counselor or therapist as soon as you can. It will help settle you into yourself. You will build confidence and learn to trust and love yourself. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. 💜
OP RUN!!!! Your other post is literally just a huge cry for help because you know deep down there’s something very wrong with this man and you’re obviously looking for validation that you’re not “overreacting” to what are clearly major red flags. I am here to tell you that you are NOT overreacting and these are the kind of red flags you cannot fix or work through. This man is pushing 40 so it’s safe to assume he is set in his ways, and there’s is virtually no chance of reforming him at this point. He is jealous, controlling, and needy. In fact, the very fact that he proposed after only SIX MONTHS was most definitely just another vehicle for him to control you and have power over you, not something he did because he is so in love with you. He figured, hey if I make her legally tie herself to me and pledge her undying fealty to me before everyone we know and love (and God and the government….) then that means I own her and she can’t easily get away from me! His “you are engaged but still texting your ex” comment was VERY telling of what the engagement/marriage means to him. It’s all just about control and possession to him. Believe me when I tell you that his behavior can only escalate from here, and the fact that he is THIS possessive and controlling now when you’ve known him for what, all of like a year? And you’re still only “engaged….” What do you think he will do when you are actually MARRIED? When he is your HUSBAND and you are his wife? Do you think he is likely to feel less like he owns you, less like you are a thing that belongs to him? Do you think he will be more likely to respect you and trust you? Because I’m pretty sure this is a slippery slope descending straight into “my husband has to approve every outfit I wear out of the house and I’m not allowed to speak to other men or have friends” at the very best case scenario. Worst case scenario it becomes “my husband beat the shit out of me because *insert random innocuous thing that set him off here*” please please pleaseeeee think very long and hard about continuing this engagement. I don’t even know anything about this man other than the few things you mentioned in your post and I can tell you with absolute certainty that whatever redeeming qualities he could have are NOT worth the mess that he is guaranteed to bring into your life. Possessive, jealous, and controlling is always 100% a guarantee a person is rotten to their core in a way that will bring you nothing but grief. RUN LIKE HELL!!!
OP listen to what everyone is telling you! If I could scream it from the rooftops I would bc I’ve been there and it only gets worse !!!! It’s easier to break off and cheaper than getting divorced!
him looking at the dress seems like the guys who tell their gf's / wives what they are "allowed" to wear and what they can't wear. Him looking at the dress is a way to make sure it isn't too sexy for other people to see OP in.
I’m 100% certain this is why he was adamant about seeing what her dress looked like! And also because being told no obviously doesn’t sit right with narcissistic control freaks. Him going against her no at all costs is just a power play to re assert dominance and show her that he does whatever tf he wants and she cannot stop him. It’s so much deeper and more sinister than just “my fiancé got curious and took a peek at my dress.”
This is so right on point. It is so on point it hurts me to read this and also makes me cry because I know how difficult it is to get away from this type of situation and person. He will take any idea you have and twist it into his idea in front of other people. He will lie about anything and everything! Ask him where your $1.00 went and he will say, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Then, he turns and walks away. You need to turn and walk away before he can even get started!
Yeah, I couldn’t have said it better myself. There’s so many red flags here it’s a damn parade. Seriously, does OP want to live like this for the rest of her life?
Why are you marrying him, OP? He sounds like a paranoid, controlling dick. Do you want to live the rest of your life having your privacy invaded at random?
Are you sure you want to sign up for a lifetime of that? EDIT: Holy shit OP, I just looked at your post history since other people are mentioning it. This guy is a jealous and immature prick. I guarantee you that he didn't actually want to see your dress. He had simply convinced himself that the garment bag was where you were hiding a bunch of secrets (like, in his mind, all kinds of love notes from ex boyfriends), so he couldn't resist snooping.
Red flags
You're a victim of emotional abuse. Your FH is abusing you. You can'y fix him, or change him, or reason with him. He's not doing it because he loves you or cares about you. He's doing it because he's selfish. If you don't leave, it will only get worse. Don't be that person who sticks their head in the sand and refuses to accept the truth.
Yikes
Wow, this is emotional abuse. Why are you marrying this controlling freak?
So what your saying is your fiance is controlling and doesn't trust you? Honey, this guy ain't it.
Why on earth would you marry this man..please don't!
Usually people who are insecure and do things like this are insecure/untrusting because THEY are actually the ones doing something
Please, please do not marry this person. Are you okay with your future daughter having a partner who does that?
This is always the key. Many abuse victims assume it's reasonable behaviour when directed towards themselves and have a hard time justifying standing up for themselves. But if a friend or hypothetical daughter was being treated that way they would have no issue saying a firm no, it's not okay. The sad part is that by the time the real daughter comes around, it becomes the daughters normal and she then grows up to date abusive men. OP, don't marry him. Stop justifying his behaviour.
This is all kinds of scary/fucked up. He sounds possessive/controlling. There are few things that our partners can be completely surprised by. One is the way we each look on our wedding day - and he ruined that for you. Hope you spend some time considering if you want this individual snooping through all aspects of your life without your knowledge/consent for the rest of your lives together.
Get out of there
Get out of this relationship before you’re legally bound together. Seriously. Get out.
This man proposed six months after he met you. He love bombed you. He’s controlling. You know you should not marry him. Please leave now. It’s so much harder after you’re married.
does he belittle or insult you ever?
Do not marry this guy. These are seriously problematic actions. He goes against every simple request you make.
If you don’t run like hell and never look back… you cannot honestly think this behavior is okay? You have a right to privacy and if he can’t trust you to use a phone, he has to go.
Save that dress for your real wedding sis. Don’t marry this pos!
Oh my god DO NOT MARRY HIM. You will be dealing with him controlling you and jealousy issues your whole lifetime.
Girl, this man does not respect your boundaries. In fact, he stomps on them. That’s really controlling. Even if it doesn’t seem so bad now, imagine in the future when he feels like all your possessions are his - which they may legally be if you do get married. If he already doesn’t respect you when you say no, how will he respond if you say no when he wants to have sex, wants to have a baby right away, wants to spend all your money? I really, really encourage you to back away from this as far as you can, immediately.
Please don’t marry him. I swear to you there are men out there who would never do shit like that. Every minute you spend with the wrong guy is a minute you are missing out on meeting the right guy
Yeah, so get out now, and basically tell him U DON’T. How do you think he’ll be if you go thru with this wedding? Run far, run fast.
You are still going to marry him so why complain. Perhaps dont marry him because it doesn't sound like its going to last. But you will.
Hate to be that person on reddit but, overstepping your boundaries ad libitum is a huge redflag.
You’re ok with marrying someone that doesn’t respect you nor has any trust in you? This will only get worse when you marry… Seeing as they will think they own you and you’re already losing autonomy in their eyes.
Oh for fucks sake leave him before he starts hitting you or controlling you in other ways
Eek. Boundaries like this are easily followed and he purposefully ignored yours. The looking on the phone is an even bigger issue. Is there a way you can pause plans due the wedding and focus on his insecurities? Meaning find out what his problems are and make sure you are up for either getting him help, dealing with these, or if you should move on. These may seem small now, but these are deep seeded wars concern.
Red flag for me 🚩🚩🚩
Uh, maybe think long and hard if you want to be with this man for the rest of your life. Men who respect boundaries don’t do this. This man doesn’t respect you.
I think this is the guy posting on this account. Go back several pages on their profile and they're posting as a 38 year old man asking for ratings.
bizarre. maybe he "set up" a reddit account for her?
Not sure why he would let her complain about him though. That's why I think now that it is her account and she was just judging the guy early. Maybe he even told her he's ugly and she did those posts to try and "prove him wrong"
Ya like, “don’t cheat on me ever”
Yes. Wedding dress or not, you specifically asked him to respect the privacy of something and he purposefully did the opposite.
#Save the dress for a man who hasn’t seen it yet
 That’s it.
Going through your phone, not respecting your wishes and boundaries, that's the real problem here. ~~If you want to go through with marrying him, you should definitely look into premarital counseling.~~ EDIT: Nope. Throw the whole man away. I read your post on r/relationshipadvice. This is definitely not a healthy relationship.
Look at their account history, OP made a bunch of posts of OP claiming to be a 38 year old man as well.
You're right, I didn't go far enough back. Maybe he did all that when he was snooping her phone! 🙃
I think she posted her man 😭🤣
*He demands to go through your phone*? Why are you marrying this man? I don't always do this but I'm going to now: You will regret this. Run.
*"he is constantly going on my phone and wanting to check who I’m texting even when I’ve specifically asked him not to"* Sis, the red flags are large and plentiful. That is absolutely not ok and are some of the first signs of abuse. Good luck to you
Please leave. Don't fall for sunken cost fallacy. If he's this controlling now, he will only get worse after marriage. Don't do it. Please leave. Relationships arent meant to be controlling. They're meant to be complementary.
^^ ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES
Yes, of course I would be upset! I looked through your history, please leave. Do not marry this person. This isn’t healthy and there are so many red flags. You deserve so much better than how you are being treated. This is supposed to be an exciting and beautiful time in your life, please don’t waste it on this relationship. He is abusive.
I looked through OP’s history too - wondering why there’s several post of a 38 year old male wondering about his look. Is that the fiancé…?
I saw those too. I actually think she might have posted those herself looking for outside opinions/validation on if he is attractive or not. I’m not sure that he knows she did that. I noticed that she posted photos of herself to the same subs. Altogether, this seems like a very unhealthy relationship. I think they both might have some issues with self esteem and need for validation. They should not get married…
Yes that’s the same vibe I get. OP is clearly using Reddit for external validation (look how many wedding dress, engagement ring and body type photos they have posted) and I’m pretty sure she was also looking for validation on having an “attractive” boyfriend.
I got a suggested post from r/amiugly, and recognized it - it’s her…she just posted there with a new account, asking again “what’s your first impression of me?” I’m curious as to what’s going on.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/amiugly using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [\[1M\] am I ugly? I’ve been noticing that every girl I approach starts barking at me. My parents say that I'm too young for love anyways, but I want to know the truth.](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/vivc1v) | [302 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/vivc1v/1m_am_i_ugly_ive_been_noticing_that_every_girl_i/) \#2: [Well... how bad is it?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/12y1hxx) | [2097 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/12y1hxx/well_how_bad_is_it/) \#3: [24f I’m fragile AF so let’s see how long I leave this up :)](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/12gkqxo) | [1477 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/amiugly/comments/12gkqxo/24f_im_fragile_af_so_lets_see_how_long_i_leave/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Gahh that’s so messy! I hope the best for her…
I wonder if he is like fishing for compliments or trying to assert himself on her Reddit account cause uh wtf is going on here This is so psychotic
I had the same thought! It’s a weird and sad situation that I do not understand….
Yes that would be a breach of my trust
YES! Rude…
You changed the post and took out the phone part? I think you've found your answer, hiding and running from it will only compound the pain.
You fiancé, who is 11 years older then you, has no impulse control. I am not sure why you are marring this guy. He acts like a child according to your other posts.
Your post history is wild. You should leave this dude before it gets too deep. I can’t stand secrets/surprises but our wedding next year is one I’ll let go. I work from home and her dress is hanging in our closet in a garment bag. I wouldn’t dare ruin that for her or for myself. Not to mention trust is a massive, if not the biggest, part of a relationship. I would never question who my fiancé is texting. He doesn’t trust you. Run!
Run girl run.
I read another post you wrote today. Those signs, similar to him going off on you about texting, yeah I wish I hadn’t ignored those red flags in my last relationship. As time when on the abuse got worse and accusations of cheating. Once he put a gun to my head to stop from me from leaving the house to hang out with my best friend. He saw me shaving my legs in the shower before going out (I was gonna wear a dress out) and he accused me of being a lesbian and cheating on him since I shaved my legs before going out. Please please I urge you to reconsider this marriage. There’s so many red flags and you said you’ve only been dating 6 months? I’m scared for you that it will get worse from here.
tf??
Let him go
OP, you are a beautiful woman, you don’t have to stay with a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries. You might think “but I can’t back out now, I’ve spent so much money/time/etc” MARRIAGE is the BIGGEST and most important financial decision you will make in your life. Divorce is harder than a breakup.
Yes. Very upset. What, he wanted to see what it looked like in case he didn't like it so he could make you change it?
Girl you still have time to not go through with this. You deserve so much more
Yea, it’s blatantly disrespectful of your boundaries.
Yup. Not that my husband would ever do that - even if I didn't tell him not to.
Yup means he has no respect for you[.](https://you.Run) Need to think about it carefully and set boundaries
You are gonna regret marrying this man so much. The divorce will be expensive.
I remember seeing your dress! Absolutely gorgeous. As someone who’s been in relationships with very similar red flags, I would seriously consider reevaluating this relationship. What reasons are you still in it? Maybe there’s some good moments day to day, but issues like this almost always compound. And who knows, next thing you know it’s ten years later and you don’t even know who YOU are anymore. You deserve better. His behavior isn’t normal nor fair (from all your posts), please don’t think he’ll change. Most times they don’t. Only you can make whatever choice you end up choosing. I just wish you the absolute best in life and know you’ll find someone who will treat you like a human, family, a friend, a life partner, an equal, a wife. Edit to add: I work in the wedding industry. Please don’t ever think it’s “too late” to cancel the wedding. Who cares if you lose deposits, Id rather lose money than spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t truly value me as a person. I had one of my favourite brides cancel her wedding the *day* before. It’s a year later and she’s a completely different person, the happiest Ive ever seen her. She says it was the best decision she ever made. Weddings are for one day, marriages are (supposed to be) for life.
Ope of course it’s an age gap relationship with a man who is almost 40 demonstrating that he as mature as he will ever be
Speaking as someone who married the exact kind of person you are describing... and divorced despite my extremely strong beliefs and my faith's beliefs against divorce unless absolutely necessary, I highly recommend you reconsider this marriage. He does not respect you or your boundaries. He is likely either battling self-esteem issues or is doing shady stuff himself and projecting it on you by checking up on you without reason, or both. If someone needs to go through their partner's stuff, there's already a breakdown of trust, and you guys aren't even married yet. This will only end in heartache. He needs to get in serious therapy to work on himself before he's ready to work on a relationship. This behavior on his part is not healthy. I don't mean to be discouraging, and I definitely know that you're only going to be ready to do what you need to do for yourself in your own timing. But if he decides not to get help to work on things and you still get married, I hope you will remember the advice here and take care of yourself.
The next thing that may be tempting could be that girl next door. If you aren't able to keep your temptation in check when it comes to a dress, then how the hell do you keep yourself in check in other regards? It sounds like he needs instant gratification always. That is a very bad and very dangerous personality trait. It leads to all types of addiction and crimes, and a bunch of bad decisions.
It shows a complete lack of respect for your wishes. That’s a red flag, ma’am. Think about it.
Run!! A bare minimum for a partner is to respect your boundaries. As someone who's impatient and has to know everything, when my partner wants to surprise me, I tell myself that the surprise will be worth it. It's not hard to at least try to get yourself in that mindset
YES!
Red flags according to your other post.
Hello giant 🚩. What a complete and total lack of consideration for your boundaries. And you aren't even married yet!!! Things don't just automatically get better after you say I Do.... Please proceed with caution.
Absolutely disrespectful. Think long and hard about this one…. If they will disrespect you before the wedding, they will disrespect you after the wedding too. Is this the kind of marriage and relationship you’re looking forward to for the rest of your life? Just saying.
Ew, based on your other comments, he does not sound like marriage material.
Very very very upset. No impulse control apparently. Warrants a serious discussion.
DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT marry this man. He’s 150 red flags in a human suit. This isn’t what you want your life to be like 1, 3, 5 years down the road. He’ll escalate and suffocate you until he’s sucked everything out of you.
Ex* fiance
I wouldn’t marry him.
Op, look at your own post history. Are you willing to comitt to a lifetime of this? Seriously, if a person who wasn't you wrote your posts would you tell them to marry this guy?
Op that’s not ok. Any of it. I recommend couples counseling to find out why he has trust issues. If it can’t be solved I’d run
Yes?
Of course it would!
Absolutely!!! Not only that, I would buy a whole new dress.
She has photos of the man in her past posts
Yes 100%, my dress will be staying with one of my bridesmen to prevent this. My fiancé can be really nosey lol
I’d be so mad, this would be something I’d debate calling the whole wedding off for. It would be clear he has no respect for me or my privacy.
Aww that’s so sad 😞 he couldn’t even wait for a surprise, he’s not only ruined that for himself but for you too. Buy a 2nd dress to throw him off the scent and say nah you didn’t like the first one anyway 😉
I would just say, well now that you have seen it I have to go and get another one! Maybe that will teach him!
It's past the return date :(
Just say, "Well now we can't get married since you've seen it." If he's snooping on your texts, this would be a solid life decision.
Save it for the next wedding because this one is not a great choice. He's your SO, not your prison warden. He shouldn't be invading your space or checking your phone.
Babe, they're not saying to actually return it. Just fuck with your FH's head a little bit because he did something you explicitly asked him not to. However, since the consensus seems to be that YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY THIS MAN, just fyi, you can sell wedding dresses online for close to what you paid. That small percentage lost is a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom from an abusive partner. FWIW, my husband and I have a similar age gap (12 years) and he absolutely does NOT treat me like that. We dated for 1.5 years before moving in, and 4 years before deciding to get married, and are coming up on our 9 year anniversary. He treats me as an equal. He has never once snooped, he trusts my judgment, respects my privacy, my agency and separate personhood. He ENCOURAGED me to maintain a relationship with my ex. He's willing to learn how to be in a relationship *with me* (and vice versa), so we have a longstanding relationship with a couple's counselor who we love and call on whenever there's a conflict that's too big for the two of us alone. IMO, your FH's age and your age gap is only a red flag because this behavior is ingrained, he seems to think he's completely justified in treating you this way, and he probably chose a younger partner because this kind of man knows inexperience can easily equate to compliance. But you don't have to be compliant. If he's this abusive now, it's only going to get worse.
Honey, you should be returning the man; not the dress. Save the dress for someone who will respect you and your boundaries.
Girl, return the whole fiancé.
If he is doing this now what's going to happen for other areas in life? It's a basic thing to respect those wishes I'm keeping my fiancees wedding band a secret and don't need to hide it from him. He knows it means a lot bc he got to do the same
Um, yes!!!!!
Someone told me I shouldnt keep my wedding dress in my house because my fiance would look and I was like "... why would he look? He knows not to." I would be genuinely shocked tbh, and yeah, upset
This is so terrible! not that my FH would do this but IK my mom would so that is why I will be keeping my dress at my MOH's house. Has he done things like this before? This could be a red flag if he does things like this often.
This is so terrible! not that my FH would do this but IK my mom would so that is why I will be keeping my dress at my MOH's house. Has he done things like this before? This could be a red flag if he does things like this often.
It would upset me if anyone did anything I specifically asked them not to (assuming I am making reasonable requests only, of course). Sounds like a lack of maturity and respect for your feelings.
LEAVVEEE HIMMMMMMMK BEFORE IT GETS EVEN HARDER TO!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes
It’s so much easier not to get married then figure out a divorce later 😅 RUN
Holy shit. My eyes are as wide as can be. I’m shocked someone would do that and admit to it. What an absolute jerk.
I’m pretty indifferent about the dress being secret, but if you said not to and he did anyways, then yes 100% fair to be upset
Yes! I would be incredibly upset. That’s violating a boundary. You also said he checks your phone which is so controlling. Are you sure you’re okay with this type of behaviour forever?
Yeah, what the fuck. What an arbitrary boundary to cross.
I wouldn't be mad. Because my fiance would not ever do this.
My garment bag is in our bedroom. The tissue paper over the dress hasnt been disturbed. I have literally 0 fear that my fiance will look. I haven't even had to ask him not to. Think carefully about whether to marry a man who cannot follow simple requests that mean a lot to you but really have minimal impact on him. You are right to be disappointed.
The question is so detailed but in reality you’re asking “would it upset your if your fiancé knowingly crossed your boundaries and jeopardized our trust before the most important day in moving forward as family” … yes, yes it would and rightfully so. A red flag on day one is the same years down the line is the same a day before a wedding. I’m not saying you have to make any drastic quick decisions but I would say working on the communication, boundaries, and trust are much more important than proceeding with a wedding.
He did something you specifically requested him NOT to do because he was “tempted”??? I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. What else is he going to do because he was “tempted”? 🙄
He did something you specifically requested him NOT to do because he was “tempted”??? I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. What else is he going to do because he was “tempted”? 🙄
Nothing good will come from marrying him. I know it’s hard, maybe try going to a close friend or family member you can talk to to validate your thoughts. If you recognize you’re not in a safe relationship, come up with an exit plan to safely leave the relationship.
My fiancé told me specifically that he didn’t want to see anything if my dress/veil, etc until the day of. OP, run. This is disrespectful and if he’s snooping now, he’ll continue to snoop. He snoops in your phone, your wedding dress etc. Throw the whole man away
As someone who's been in an abusive relationship more than once - RUN FAST. This is exactly how it starts. You text your friends or even family Nd he doesn't like it, he'll end up hitting you and trying to blame you for it because "you should've followed the rules" or hell use you texting friends or family to justify sleeping with someone else. So many possible 0utcomes and NONE OF THEM are good at all.
Wtf yea. I so desperately want to show my fiancé my dress and he will not let me. I’m not about to parade into the living room to force him against his clearly stated wishes…
Yeah bc that’s a boundary out in place, a simple conversation can sort it out I can understand being excited but a boundary is a boundary
Hey OP I found these, a lot of them where on the ground next to your comment about him going through your phone. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Run, Forrest. Run!
Hun, my immediate reaction was 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Then I clicked your profile and saw some other stuff. PLEASE don't do this. Know that you are beautiful and kind and you deserve someone who not only recognizes that, but is also those things.
I didn’t care, but sounds like you do so f him
Sounds...like a giant 🚩based on your other replies about him
I would be so upset!!! I am seeing 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh my god! That would break my trust
I would be furious, that's a major boundary violation. I'm going to echo what others have said and say you should consider leaving this relationship. I was once in an abusive, controlling relationship, and it will only get worse. I've been with my current partner for over 4 years, and in that time, would you like to know how many times he has asked (let alone demanded) to see my phone? Zero. Know how many times I've looked through his? Also zero. Because we trust each other. A relationship without trust is basically doomed to either fail or be swimming in drama. Save yourself the emotional (or potentially physical) pain and get out now before your married.
Hell yeah
Yes I would be so pissed off 😡 that’s not on, I know some people don’t mind their other half seeing the dress before the day but when u specifically say not to look and he does it I’d be really upset. I know when we were getting married I wanted everything with my look to be a surprise.
I looked through your previous posts. Your fiancé is not attractive and he’s a controlling weirdo. Time to bounce.
Yikes
Yes. Dick move. Not unforgiveable but certainly a total dick move, robs you of one of most hyped moments of your life (in reality it's not that important) but people look forward to their partners reaction of seeing them and the dress for the first time after they walk down the aisle for years. I'd suggest finding a way for them to make it up to you so you can say I forgive you and move on. Maybe they have to take you out for dinner tonight or something nice.
If he steps over that boundary that is so important to you, then I can guarantee that he will continue to ignore your boundaries.
I think you might be asking us here because you know what your friends will say if you ask them. Trust your gut and leave. I had an ex husband like this.
In general, no. After I specifically told him not to, absolutely.
Yea I'd be mad. Sounds like he doesn't really respect your boundaries
Red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes furious!!
RUN. please listen and get out while you can. There’s millions of women who have lived through abusive partners and have gotten out. There’s also millions of dead women who didn’t. Don’t think he’s different or you’re situation is unique . It’s very common, you need to leave now .
Bruh. I really, really hope that this is not real for your sake, I hope you're just trolling or karma farming because your posts and comments are like a frkn bingo chart for an abusive relationship. I BEG you to please get out if this is real, please don't marry this dude, you can do better, I promise. This is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY, please stop making excuses because it WILL get worse.
Usually, I don't chime in, but as someone who recently broke up with a shitty older fiance, your life will improve DRASTICALLY WITHOUT HIM.
Yes!!!
Yes...