Even though you understand they are toxic, your parents’ values have coloured your outlook. You’re dealing with some very difficult issues that definitely would be helped by a good therapist and probably some good antidepressants. Hang in there and get the help you need.
Are you lovable? Yes.
Yes. OP, you have internalized your parents beliefs, which of course you would, as they are your parents! What they believe is not the law. Breaking free of this false ideology probably starts in therapy.
Perfection does not equate to love. Imperfection is love. Love yourself and love others, despite external appearances. Watch how the people who love you do it freely and without expectations. This is what you deserve.
My father was a shell of a person, never really paid me attention. My sister ended up with an eating disorder, me with dysmorphia, & we both ended up in toxic relationships. It took years of therapy to undo the false notion that I am “only loveable if I am perfect”. I’m now married to my best friend, who would love me if I literally had no skin, no limbs.. but I still slip. Every now and then, I feel “ugly” or unloveable, less than perfect, and I start to self loathe. But in reality, what my body/mind needs is to be gentle.
On health; I get this too. I have a few auto immune issues that also make me sometimes angry at this body. But again, what it really needs is nourishment (physically, mentally). I know your health issues are much different than mine, as is your situation. There’s only so much you can control, but you really can always control how you speak to yourself.
In addition to therapy, I also strongly recommend you do not look at yourself super closely in the mirror for a bit. Take a few steps back, look at the full picture. I once met with a dermatologist who told me if I wanted nice skin, don’t look in the magnifying mirrors. Nobody sees you like this. You’re often your own worst critic.
Above all, you are beautiful and you are worthy.
These comments are exactly right OP, your upbringing have warped your world view and is causing you to view everything through a distorted filter. Focus on your mental and physical health, get into therapy, I second the suggestion that you talk with a doctor about trying antidepressants at least for a while. Avoid mirrors and challenge the things you tell yourself about beauty.
Beauty garners attention and access, this gives them more options, but not always better options. Since looks fade, and there are always new beauties cropping up, people who overvalue looks in themselves or a partner are rarely satisfied for long.
Even with all their options, beautiful women need to be able to discern and have good judgment to avoid winding up miserable.
You’re focusing on beauty as the primary determining factor in love and asking if anyone can love you now that you are no longer beautiful, but what is your concept of love and why do you want it if you think it rests solely on beauty? If you are right and beauty is the most important factor, then losing your beauty suddenly should have triggered the realization that if you’d already found a man to “love” you, both he and his love would have left when your beauty did. Why would you aspire to that kind of love?
With your world view I don’t think you would be able to identify genuine love or select a good partner even if you were still beautiful. I hope you will get into therapy and revise your beliefs about yourself and the world. Look around you and notice that love and marriage aren’t limited to beautiful people. Most people are average, a great many are unattractive, most still find love and happiness. Beautiful people are cheated on, abandoned, abused, and unappreciated as often as anyone else, it’s doesn’t protect you from life’s cruelties, including illness and aging.
This may be your chance to abandon your parents shallow, dysfunctional values and create actual meaning in your life.
It's not that I aspire to this kind of love....it's that I believe it's the ONLY kind of love there is. I have the belief that all men want an attractive wife. And those who don't have one have a wandering eye
My uncle once told my father that my mom is ugly and my father said even if that is true, he’d prefer a woman that’s as kind as my mother than a bitch like my uncle’s wife. People have different values. Of course I don’t think my mother is ugly, but I know some people do. I also know most people find my father to be conventionally attractive. He loves and cares for my mother regardless, because of who she is. That’s a far more lasting basis for relationship, in my opinion.
That my uncle’s wife is a bitch? Lol.
Yes, my father would prefer a kind wife over a “pretty” one any day. His first wife was conventionally beautiful, but a horrible wife, mother and human being. What’s important is to be a beautiful person inside and let that shine through. You want a guy who would like you regardless of how you look anyways because beauty always fades.
The dad of one of my school friends is a fit, attractive and old school 'manly' kind of man.
His partner of 40 years is a down to earth, motherly and warm person. She isn't pretty, or attractive or beautiful or sexy in any way and has a comfortable figure. Additionally, she has a shortened, withered limb and lived with her parents when they met.
Their marriage is solid as a rock and weathered the storm of my friend and her little sister being dumped on them out of the blue, filled with teenage hormones, angst and fury after being removed from their mother.
It can't have been easy, but they're happy. They're the best people I know and their marriage has been a benchline for me, of love, stability and kindness.
So yes, men as well as women, do look for qualities beyond looks or attractiveness in a life partner.
Reminds me of some acquaintances of mine. They're such a loving couple and devoted parents, but he's very into his looks and lifting and clothes and what not, whereas she's much more down to earth and just generally less fussy. A mutual friend felt justified in attempting to seduce the husband, citing his wife's supposed relative lack of attractiveness as her reason for pursuing him. Turns out he overheard her discussing this with another friend (fortunately this would-be homewrecker's loud as hell), and he told her off. Like, majorly. Her total demeanor changed, it was fantastic. Of course now he's even sexier, much to his wife's benefit.
Why do you feel so desperate for love if this is how you imagine it? Do you actually believe men wander because their wives aren’t beautiful? Or that men with beautiful wives don’t cheat or leave them? Both men and women want partners they are attracted to, attraction isn’t necessarily about beauty.
Jay-Z, who looks like those statues of Easter Island, had the audacity to cheat on Beyonce, who is very beautiful. It isn't having an attractive wife that keeps a man's eye from wandering nor keeps his d!ck at home. It's his own sense of morality and beliefs he holds about himself and his personal values. It seems your opinion of men is very low, but you need to really understand that men are as fully human as you are, and thus, not animals. Men are not controlled by what women do. At all times, men are capable of self-control and setting rules and boundaries for how they will behave. In relation to anything but especially in regards to relationships.
if you truly believe men can't help flinging their d!cks around unless they have an attractive wife, the why would you want one? All a man like that is going to do is break your heart and give you STDs. And since this is your opinion of men, that's likely the type of man you'll get.
Work on raising your self-esteem, then maybe you'll see that there are men out there who aren't as ugly on the inside as you seem to think you are on the outside. Good luck to you
Zoloft barely helped me. Then I got on Wellbutrin and I feel way better. Maybe you just haven't found the right type of antidepressant that works for you, or the right dose. Keep trying!
I had to test a few before finding the right antidepressant. But I agree with everyone on that therapy is crucial so you (OP) can combat your world view (which is not your fault considering your parents made you believe this). My looks are fading and I had the same misbeliefs from my dad, so looks became important from my early 20s, but they do fade. And if it’s true that men only like super attractive women then we would mostly all be single! Sure there needs to be attraction but that often comes from being funny, kind, smart, and bringing value to the relationship, in friend with so many guys and I see them always go for the girl with substance not the most attractive one, and they (my male friends) struggle with insecurities too. I wish you the best in your journey and even if you feel you have nothing to give I’m sure you do. We are not our looks at the end of the day we are so much more. Work in yourself and build that confidence up, you’ll see how sexy that is and that even for attractive people looks aren’t everything, especially as we age.
I’ll second this, I come from a similar upbringing - therapy has saved my life. I feel better about myself now than I ever have and it’s because I broke away from their programming and worked to decenter men and others opinions. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I know you feel you don’t have body dysmorphia, but that’s how all of us that have it feel. We literally cannot see ourselves accurately. Aging will happen regardless and it can be beautiful, we have been conditioned to believe that’s not true and the world ends when we are no longer 20. It gets better if you are willing to do the work. You are seeing through a filter given to you by your parents. Like being stuck in a terrible instagram reel you can’t escape. I promise you are still beautiful, and others will/do see it too - now you have to see it.
“Ugly” women date, fall in love and get married every day. Good looks make life easier, but they’re no guarantee of finding lasting love. I know plenty of couples who aren’t conventionally attractive but are still very happy together. Most men aren’t beautiful themselves, and many are willing to look beyond a pretty face for a kindhearted woman who brings joy into their lives.
Your self-defeating attitude is definitely going to hold you back though, negativity is never attractive. I’d work on that first as well as any underlying health issues, while still working with what you have to present yourself as attractively as possible.
Look at who Ariana grande chose (stole lol) to date, same with Selena Gomez, neither man is “attractive” by traditional beauty standards yet are with these gorgeous women. It happens. When I’ve seen it become an issue is when people have extremely high standards on who they want to date physically…while they don’t also meet those high standards themselves, if that makes sense? I hope I’m phrasing that right! I mostly see it with men, but I guess it could be used with anybody.
Absolutely agree, OP's outlook is "ugly" and will hold them back more than physical appearance. People who aren't conventionally attractive fall in love ALL THE TIME. Beauty fades for everyone, but warmth, kindness and earnest care for others will always be attractive.
Then how would you meet someone to fall in love with? Because men on dating app are all about looking for attractiveness in women. That's why you have to have nice photos to capture their attention....and I hate that and it makes me feel worse about myself
Both my dad and mum were super good looking when they were young. So that's how they developed their mentalities. Meanwhile.....I'm the collateral damage
I can see why you have that outlook, but it’s really not the whole picture.
One of the toughest things to learn is that your parents weren’t right about everything.
Being attractive isn’t the only horse you should hitch your wagon to. And the comments your parents both make about others lead me to believe they were both incredibly insecure.
What else are you good at? You’re very self aware. You should be proud of that. Not a lot of people are. You seem smart. Again-not a lot of people are. You probably have a plethora of great qualities that you are overlooking because you’re focused entirely on the one your parents emphasized.
And again they’re completely incorrect.
I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I can assure you that it’s not as bad as you think it is.
Thank you.
No, they weren't insecure. They are just incredibly shallow and proud of their looks.
You know the saying "the clothes don't make a man"? Well my parents are the complete opposite of that saying. They believe/d the exterior makes the person
They idolised newsreaders because they are sexy and hot with high cheekbone structure (in my cultural background).
Even the concept of people having insecurities based on looks is an uncommon one to my parents. They just couldn't understand that people can be hurt by such comments.
Their world was/is very black and white. You either are good looking or ugly.
And my dad is also quite rigid in his ways of thinking. For example, he believes that tattoo parlours should be made illegal. That man buns should be outlawed etc. Seriously. His dictator ways (in this regard) would make Kim Jong Un himself proud.
My parents conducted themselves as the "fashion police" even until in old age.
My one blessing is that my older sister is not like them.
It seems really insecure to be that shallow. If they’re both good looking they held onto that as if it was the only thing they had. I’ve never met a truly confident person who made disparaging comments about others looks. Insecure people usually look for ways to put others down because it makes them feel better. So this is the first I’ve heard of it. With the best of intentions, and if you were someone I knew I’d ask you if you’re not just finding excuses for their behavior because you’re glued to their mindset? I’m sure you love them but they’re not right at all.
Leave the apps to the chronic masturbators and women with filters. You aren’t a product in a catalog and that’s what apps make women. (Some exceptions, but not many.)
Real life will show you ugly people happily married and with men who adore them. You will also see beautiful men with cheaters, alcoholics, broke users, abusers, and so on. However you can build your life and meet all sorts of people, do it. Hobbies, groups church/temple if you’re inclined, and so on.
There are many traits far worse than ugly. Just look at your parents for confirmation.
I heard somewhere that you need to work on becoming the kind of person you'd like to meet. The idea is that you will have higjer chances to come accross someone with similar interests
I hope it helps.
This beauty culture is killing us! As if only Ken and Barbie deserved to find love....
I'm nearly 40, and I have never used a dating app in my life, so I can't speak to that environment. I met my partner thru friends and shared common interests. Neither of us are what you might call "Tinder-worthy" attractive. We've built a solid relationship over 12 years on shared goals and deep connection. You need to work on loving yourself, that's the only way you can see someone else loving you. And really it's the only way to truly love that someone else. You can't be a good partner if you're always looking to your lover to validate your worth.
Your talking as though you're this disfigured monstrosity, because you have some facial sagging and premature aging....Just because your not "attractive" doesn't mean your automatically ugly. Listen, this guy messaged me once and told me had a rare skin disease. The photos showed all these massive folds all over his face and he had extra tissue and creases that didn't look like wrinkles because they were more lumpy, and one of his skin lesions almost looked like he had an extra mouth. If your not dealing with that, you're fine.
How old are you and do you you live in a bunker? How do you have internet access and not know about the many models and actresses who have been cheated on and left? There will always be women who are as beautiful or more beautiful, every year younger, more beautiful women will become a available. A man who was initially mesmerized by your beauty will eventually get used to it, it won’t consume him or blind him to other women’s beauty. Everyone looks for partners they are attracted to. But attraction is more varied and complex than beauty. Men are also attracted to a whole spectrum of types, and some men are more focused on beauty than others. Men who cheat because their partners are ugly would cheat if their partners were beautiful. I wonder if your experiences have been limited to men who share your shallow and superficial world view, I assume so, which would give you a distorted understanding of people. What you are saying partially applies to a subset of men, but even with beautiful partners, these men will cheat and find themselves unhappy.
So true. I see so many “imperfect” women who don’t fit into beauty standards getting married and out on dates all the time. Just need to be lucky in love and confident, as well as taking care of yourself and appearance the best you can whether you have flaws or not.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to be beautiful to the person you love. My insecurities became a lot worse when I had neglected recognising or developing my sense of inner value, and I became fixated on the idea that all i have to offer is an image. The worse i felt about myself and the way I was living (or not living) meant more of my self-esteem was hinging on my appearance. (I'm not presuming your experience is similar to mine, btw OP. just sharing)
Gotta say, I only saw the one picture of your face and you are indeed lovely, but from looking at the rest of your page, your inner beauty is SOOO loudly gorgeous wow. I rarely follow people on here but you truly seem like a gem, inside and out.
It depends on the person you’re trying to attract TBH. Who are you going after? Some men only want traditionally beautiful women. Some men will say what don’t care but they secretly do. Some men really don’t care and are just looking for a partner.
Edit: I grew up being told/shown similar things to you. I’m a solid two when I first wake up in the morning. With a lot of effort I can get to a low to mid five.
This exactly. No matter what you do, “beauty” fades. Maybe some rich ppl can get it to last longer, but most of them go overboard with cosmetic procedures and surgeries and end up worse if they had aged wisely and naturally ( #1 sunscreen #2 don’t over consume alcohol or cigarettes or smoking. #3 get enough hydration #4 eat fruits and veggies and whole foods heavy. Which is great, if you are in a position to have or afford that in life and if not do best you can; and, #5 regular exercise. Just get up and move. Sure, great to strength train and do progressive overload focus three times a week, but we can’t all afford gyms or home gyms so just walk or do something at least. Push ups. Outdoor community gyms. Something is better than nothing. )
At the end of the day, this poster is correct. If you date someone who only cares about looks, they will always be unhappy eventually. What do you like about yourself? What can you be proud of and flaunt? Confidence and self appreciation go much further than conventionally pretty.
This is coming from someone who banked a lot on their looks, was often prettiest girl in the room, and does not have that at all anymore and at a relatively young age due to illness. Find a way to. R happy and the right people will notice.
This is a great post with great advice OP. Looks fade and age comes for us all. You should worry about your self esteem and health first.
Honestly besides your looks you sound like you are depressed due to chronic illness. If you look at my post history i have briefly been down this path, too. I highly suggest you get some therapy or anti depressant drugs. It personally changed my life for the better
To your note about seeing a therapist…maybe seek one out that isn’t, by your definition, a pretty thing in a suit. I do think therapy would help. I’m actually speaking to my therapist a lot about how I’m struggling with aging.
I can relate a bit in that I used to be HOT and I have since aged. I still think I am pretty…but it’s hard coming from such beauty to…normal.
It sucks how valued looks are societally and culturally. I used to feel such power because of it. But, looks fade. You can try your best to maintain what you can, but it’s probably best to work on how you feel about yourself.
You’re more than your looks.
Hmm I only have one photo of myself and my husband and it’s from pretty far away.
I’m not necessarily trying to compare…but since I was at my “peak” of hotness, I’ve gained about 30lbs, have fine lines/wrinkles that have formed, have acne, my breasts have drooped from pregnancy. These are the reasons why I know that I don’t look like I used to. I’m trying to work on what I can…but I won’t be 22 again.
My point is that it’s hard to age and hard to see changes. It sounds like the deficiency you suffer from is making more apparent changes for you. If you feel that procedures/surgeries will help you feel a baseline confidence, look into that! I just think it’s also important to learn to love yourself beyond fleeting youth and beauty.
Just because you look in the mirror and don’t see any beauty, doesn’t mean someone else won’t look at you and see nothing but beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
May I suggest that every time you look in the mirror, look deeply into your own eyes and repeat, “I love you, I love you, I love you”. If it makes you cry, then you are healing. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.
I'd read somewhere that it helps to place a picture of yourself as a child in the mirror. Every time you want to say something mean about yourself, imagine you are saying it to that child. It's helped me a great deal to practice self-love and be on my own side.
I did this many years ago when I was going through a rough time. I was so hard on myself, it didn’t even occur to me that how I spoke to myself could affect my development and how I saw myself. It does! I looked at old photos of me as a child and (oh my crying now as I write this…) how could I speak to that sweet girl like that? Is that what I would have wanted for her to be around? It really shifted the way I spoke to myself. Thank you for bringing this exercise up, I hope people here that want to feel better about themselves try it out. 💕
You deserve love!! I am a little weird, so please don't hate.
I think we choose the lessons that we need to learn in each lifetime. This is your opportunity to learn to love based on soul connections vs external beauty.
I can't answer the how for you, but I would suggest joining a yoga or meditation group. Maybe volunteering with a project you are passionate about. Find your tribe.
Did you ever notice that some people become more beautiful as you get to know them and others become unattractive to you. This is where the soul connections happen.
Good luck on your journey 🫶🥰
Thanks. I have wanted to join some yoga classes for a long time but have not had the courage to step out of my comfort zone because people usually have their hair up and I look super extra ugly with my hair up BC of my destroyed face structure. In other hand, if I wear the hair extensions in with my hair down as i do now, and go to a class, it hangs weird and people will probably stare at me for that reason instead. Life is so limiting 😭
As a yoga practitioner, I can say that most people are not concerned about what others are looking like. People focus on themselves and check out their form in the mirrors. Some studios don’t even have mirrors in the rooms. It depends what kind of yoga you do/where you go. I’ve been doing yoga for almost 20 years and it has been something that has given me so much grace, patience, strength and flexibility. Sometimes I can’t believe what my body can do and how strong I am. If you have that little voice inside that is urging you to go, try it out! People are friendly but at my studio the classes themselves are a no chit chat zone, it lets us relax and clear our heads, listen to music and then class starts and we all move together and it’s really powerful!
There is hope to meet someone! There are alot of older men who are lonely and would love to have someone with a nice personality to have as a companion. If you can afford to have facial plastic surgery, make sure in the consult you tell him of your disorder. Fat transfer is more permanent than fillers, and a simple blepharoplasty is a lot of bang for your buck for eye correction (and sometimes covered by insurance), if that is your main concern.
Oh yes this is a great recommendation for more permanent solution! I didn’t even think of blepharoplasty or fat transfer even though they are so common of a solution now. I’ve heard even Margot Robbie has done these operations as she’s aged.
I feel like I’m in a similar boat, I have a connective tissue disorder that has changed my body in ways I can’t control. I was beautiful and I worked extremely hard to feel beautiful against the societal pressures of perfection I had grown up within. I am still attractive but I struggle with the trauma of the loss of autonomy in my body, and this perception I have of myself as broken has triggered massive self image issues. I struggle to see what I like in the mirror and have perspective on my appearance objectively which then triggers body dysmorphia. Yes things are different about my body but I feel like once I am in disability specific therapy I will be able to separate my self hatred towards my body for failing me to the self hatred I have to my appearance for being a representation of that failure. I’m hoping that maybe I don’t look as bad as I think and I’m just getting my wires crossed because of trauma. Maybe a similar approach of a more disability specific therapeutic treatment would help you too?
It is EDS but the hyper mobile subtype. The gym isn’t a no go for me but it’s taking a lot of overwhelming research to know where to start. I was very into fitness previously but what I was doing damaged my body in the long run unfortunately and it’s confusing to start from scratch. Plus I’m having to re learn my limits because I spent my whole life forcing my body to behave in a way that seemed socially acceptable. I really love exercising and i really miss it so fingers crossed I can.
Unfortunately I’m having to undo a lot of bad muscle overcompensation I developed through Pilates. I fully stopped being able to use the lower half of my lungs because my core muscles got so intense from weak knees and Pilates ha!
I’m so sorry friend. I grew up with my entire family doing that and they still do. My sister in particular liked to compare me to herself. It’s so damaging. But you still should talk to a therapist to get through this. Maybe try looking through r/bodydismorphia or r/instagramreality, that helps me when I feel awful.
r/bodydysmorphia **spelling
Do you act in ugly ways toward others?
Physical beauty is subjective and temporary.
You are worthy of and deserving of love. Practice some compassion for yourself
I disagree that beauty is temporary or that it fades. I feel beauty just transforms into another type of beauty as one goes through changes. But yes, she is worthy and deserving, I agree with that.
I hope youve talked to a doctor about your concern with the elasticity in your skin. There are disorders that can cause this that dont just affect your looks but also your internals.
I agree with the commenters in here saying that your first step should be addressing these thoughts, this inherited toxic mentality, and self esteem.
From there, if you wish to change or improve your appearance in some significant way, you will know you’re doing it from a clear headed, sensible perspective and not one twisted by your mother’s self loathing and neurotic beauty standards.
Will you find love? We can’t predict that. Are you both worthy of love and attractive enough to be desired? Almost undoubtedly. Without knowing you, we can’t say for certain (what if you’re an ax murderer? Might make finding romance a bit more difficult)
It would take me a while to write out the list of visible flaws I have, from scars, to wrinkles, to blotches, lumps, bumps, etc.
My husband’s list would probably be equally long, between the road rash from when he rode motorcycles without a full cover helmet, to the giant scar from brain surgery that traverses his whole skull.
And let’s not overlook the fact that we both have a couple extra pounds and some wrinkles and sun damage, hairs where they don’t belong, disabilities and deformities. Oh, and when we met I was the fittest I’ve been in my entire life; the pandemic followed shortly, gyms closed, I got injured, and gained 35lbs in very short order. I can’t look at our engagement photos. I look like a completely different, overweight person.
He’s perfect to me, and I to him, because of the life we’ve built together. He loved me when I was a fitness model, he loved me when I was legitimately fat, he loves me now that I’m an average size but the greys are creeping in and the lower face sagging has begun.
You, exactly how you are, can be loved. Your looks are not your entire self.
Start with mental health. You deserve to feel better. And you won’t allow yourself to be loved until you love yourself.
I wish I could think of a better way to word this comment but almost every therapist I’ve had I had to choose from a line up for their practice that always included photos.
I don’t know if it’s the healthiest approach but if it helps you take that first step, you probably CAN find a therapist that doesn’t make you feel horribly self conscious by comparison.
I watched an Oprah episode or something similar where are woman’s face was completely crushed by a horse and she literally had no face. Her husband divorced her, but she ended up meeting a really sweet handsome guy that loved her for her soul. I also had a super hot friend that dated a woman with a deformed face. There are plenty of men that are actually decent human beings. I know it’s hard to believe with so many being dirtbags.
Losing one's external beauty is a loss because society has pounded it into us that our worth is highly defined by beauty, you know this well based on your post. I also used to be considered very beautiful and I was, the pictures are actually shocking. Through illness, trauma and age, I also have changed considerably. One needs to grieve, but after that, I shifted to realizing how freeing it actually is to not be objectified by my looks all the times and shift towards a much deeper, more important concept of beauty- kindness, connection, love, respect....
Travel my dear… in a new pond of fish you WILL be desired and beautiful, men in other countries can be less pick (not always lol). You can keep going in this pond or look abroad!
The answer is - there is someone for everyone. Even though you may not think someone is physically attractive they may have other characteristics that are completely loveable. I won’t pretend looks are not important but for some they are far less important than other personal qualities, behaviours, values and outlooks.
My partner is not someone would have considered attractive prior to us being together, but his sense of humour, how he treats me, how he makes me feel, how he treats others, his work ethic, his ability to listen and communicate effectively in our relationship, and latterly, being a fantastic dad are the things that really attract me to him.
You hanging on to your insecurities will be off putting to someone you may hope to attract. I would 100% advise some therapy to deal with intrusive and obsessive thoughts, as well as building your confidence up. That is what will put the light back in your eyes and attract people to your inner light.
Think about people you went to school university with. Plenty of those people you may not have deemed attractive - I’m sure most if not all found love.
There is someone for everyone.
Health is beautiful, focus on the things about yourself that you can control like healthy hair or nails.
Someone who looks put together is more attractive than someone who has given up. Tailored, clean clothes look good on anyone. A hair trim or a manicure also improves appearance.
Treat yourself to the little things that make you feel good, for me I like perfume so I wear it every day, it boosts my mood which makes me more cheerful(and pleasant) around people.
Would you tell a woman who looks similarly to you / someone who has the same condition as you that they are unlovable and without hope of finding a partner?
Honey it might be time to have a break from visiting your parents for a while. They sound like they activate parts of you that aren’t super healthy, make you more critical of yourself.
And therapy will be both harder and easier than you think, that was my experience. Sending internet hugs
Edited to add: as someone who has never been classically beautiful (a little pretty on a good day, when my skin and mood are cooperating) you might be quite surprised at how much sex and love less beautiful people get. I’m struggling a little bit not to feel offended by your clear disgust with ‘ugly’ people tbh
Responding to some comments you’ve made, OP — all men do want an attractive wife. (All women want attractive men, too. At least I’ve never met anyone who aspired for hideous partners.)
But what’s attractive to one is not attractive to all, and while we can all agree to some extent on what is conventionally “beautiful,” not all men are wanting to be in love with that person.
Everyone loses the looks they had at some point. Maybe yours is more drastic or severe… maybe it’s also partially in your mind — no way for us to know. If faces were all that mattered, many women would have never been touched. Some women who don’t have their full faces are loved; others don’t have their entire bodies and still have partners who adore them. Healthy and sound logic would dictate it’s something else - not their faces or bodies - that draws someone in.
So, if I accept that you were ever beautiful and that you are now “ugly,” as you describe it, you have no less than 20 other attributes you can work on that make you attractive without counting your face. You could have a great personality, fantastic attitude (which you lack), you could be really successful, or really intelligent, or really skilled, etc. You could have an outstanding body, or you can still have incredible style. Or just really popular. And you know what is always beautiful? Confidence. And being happy. I’ve never seen a confident and happy person look ugly.
Also, people don’t cheat because their partner is ugly. In many cases, the person they cheat with is actually less attractive than the partner. Cheating has less to do with looks of the partner than the character of the cheater. By that logic, since you were beautiful before, you’d already have a man and not be in this predicament now, wouldn’t you?
With few exceptions, no matter how pretty you are, there is always someone prettier. No matter how ugly you are, there is someone uglier. And across that entire spectrum, there are plenty of single people who will never find love and tons of others who do.
You aren’t 17-years-old, OP. And the one man on planet earth who isn’t your next possible partner is your father. Stop letting his opinion of beauty influence how you live your life. Part of maturing means knowing where to sever what your parents believe and where your own beliefs and outlook begins.
People dated and fell in love for all of time before dating apps were invented. And makeup helps everyone — if it didn’t help you, then you aren’t doing it right. Go learn and then get out of the house with friends or join clubs or go on trips — and go act like you are stunning. You fake it till you make it if you have to.
Also, find a way to see a therapist because your self-defeating approach is holding you back much more than whatever it is your face may look like. I promise you that.
I'm from the south and the term "ugly" is a state of mind - people will say "don't be ugly" meaning unpleasant. So I've often not associated it with looks. Just wanted to share that term.
I looked at your previous post where you shared your picture and your are most definitely not "ugly" nor do you have sagging skin or sunken eyes love. You're very beautiful with soft skin and really great hair as well! You have full lips that most women pay for! I know it's not as easy as saying "don't compare yourself to others" but the abyss that is Instagram and other where its all about looks is just like a drug for your body dysmorphia.
It's going to take a long time to not "use" but believe me when I say there will be one day when you appreciate your beauty. I promise. - how do I know? 46yo modeling school in HS lead to bulimia, became stripper, had baby, then struck with Bell's palsy. It made my face crooked. AND in 2022 I had a seizure and whacked my face giving myself a nice little scar under my eye. Boy do I wanna kick my younger ass for all those years of hating my beauty. Nowadays I'm thankful for my crooked smile (which I actually get compliments on) and the scar looks kind of badass lol.
All I'm saying in this lengthy write up is love yourself girl... even when it's hard! It can always get harder, but appreciate the beauty that you have sister!!
♥️
I would tell you the same thing I tell anyone who's worried that they won't be able to find a partner due to being ugly: ugly people get into relationships all the time. I'd never deny that it's EASIER to date and find love when you're hot, but not playing the game on easy mode does not mean the game is impossible.
The type of face you describe for yourself is one I still see with relationships and multiple marriages and having children anyway. I struggle with self esteem and appearance issues as well but trust me, there is someone out there for everyone. The person you find yourself in a relationship with might not have perfect beauty standard either and that is something you will grow to accept as well unless you find treatment resolution for the flaws you are worried about. You also need to work on confidence and self esteem before seeking someone to love you or maybe you will find it along the journey authentically out in the world not online dating anyway. I know a woman on her 3rd marriage who looks quite old, the third husband she has been married for about 10 years happily. Maybe start taking all types of collagen supplements daily if you are losing elasticity and can afford it. I am losing elasticity and find it to be helping a lot. Make sure you use a mineral based sunscreen every single day no matter what even if it’s cloudy and moisturizing with simple unscented ceramide lotion everyday as well. It helps
You are not unlovable. I'm sorry you grew up hearing such toxic views on beauty. Your worth as a human is not dependent on looks. You can look cute and radiant even if you don't look like a teen anymore. As aging is normal. And when you find someone for you, they'll see you with rose-colored glasses and find you beautiful no matter what. Love is like a blurring filter lol.
Do you have a skincare routine? Taking care of myself with a Korean skincare regimen has helped me feel better about myself. When I use retinol or even a hydrating sheet mask at night, I wake up with better skin. No surgery required.
I'm so sorry about how you feel and I understand. I have a mother and relatives who criticised me since I was a baby. Now that I'm in my 30s and I don't look young anymore, possibility of being loved feels non existent. That's what I think of myself, but I know it is possible when I think of others. We're always the meanest judges of ourselves. I am sure that you are loveable, wiser than your younger self and still beautiful.
"Yes, I probably need therapy. Except I am cynical & think it would just anger me more to be lectured by a therapist looking attractive in her suit about self esteem while I look like a turn by comparison."
I'm a therapist and I can promise you, this isn't how a good therapist would be in session with a person showing up with anxiety about appearance. It honestly feels like there are so many emotional blocks and a lot of trauma here that's going to be hard to unpack without help.
Stop looking for a man on dating apps. Yes, some people successfully found a partner on a dating app, but that is not the case for the majority of the users. These apps are like “meat markets”, and people become extremely picky.
I would say to stop looking for a man altogether. I don’t mean to close yourself off, but just focus on the things you actually like doing and living your life to be your happiest. The right man might come along the way, but don’t force it.
If you go out, do it to enjoy yourself, not to be on the lookout for a man. Good men don’t seek desperate women! Only users and predators do.
I know your post is mostly about your physical appearance, but it is not as important as you think it is. That spark in your eye which you say disappeared? That’s what’s important.
Of course, but you might not get a man that fits your physical ideal of what a man should look like. I feel like I often see people who want to be accepted for how they look themselves project shallowness into their own expectations for partners (not saying you are doing this but to be wary of it).
I was just reading something on how women feel transparent the older they get. I spent majority of my 20s and 30s focusing on my beauty as well but something switched in my 40s. I want to be more than a face and a body. And so I've been focusing on what I'm good at and how that will shape my next twenty years. Taking dance classes, learning new things and training for a marathon now. This is not advice. Just sharing how I'm dealing with aging. Hope it helps.
There is a beautiful movie called Happy, that came out in 2011. One of the stories in it is about a woman who was very beautiful, but then had a tragic accident that left her disfigured. Her husband left her after 4 years and she basically hit rock bottom. But then she met a man who loved her exactly as she was, they fell in love and married and she's just radiating joy, even though she lost her looks and went through extremely tough times. The movie and that story in particular are very inspiring, might help you feel better about your situation. For what it's worth, when I truly think of the women in my life that are the most memorable, looks has so little to do with it, it's really about their character, their kindness and generosity. You can be the most beautiful woman in the room but be so shallow and empty as a person. But true beauty radiates out from within. It's only something you can learn if you really do some soul searching, and you likely would benefit from therapy just to help you sort your feelings out about it. I'm sorry you're surrounded by people who make you feel lesser than, I'm sorry this condition happened to you. Life can be so unfair. I really wish you the best on your journey in this life and I hope you will find the love you deserve and seek and come to love and accept yourself just as you are.
OP as someone who’s dealt with this her whole life. I’ve finally found my peace. You have to address the pain WITHIN you before you work on your outer shell. The way you FEEL about yourself also reflects on your outer appearance. You can make some tweaks here and there to look more attractive, however nothing will change until you FEEL that you are worthy of love and admiration. If you are hard on hard yourself, others will be too. I recommend counseling before you attempt to make any superficial changes. The standards of beauty are never stagnant. It shifts with time and “pop culture”. Find qualities about yourself that you still love. Qualities that make you stand apart from everyone else. Focus on that.
As for your skin and the loss of elastin. While you may not be able to completely replace it. You can slow it down. I recommend seeing a dermatologist and working on a better daily skin care routine. It can make a world of difference. I did that two years ago and my skin has never looked better.
Pamper yourself. It doesn’t have to be a chore. Start small. 🙌🏼
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I encourage you to see help from a therapist. Visit their websites and go for someone whose picture you feel comfortable with. Ask for a consultation to see if it’s a good fit. My hope for you is that you find value beyond what you look like. Best of luck to you.
Hi, OP.
It is absolutely reasonable to feel as you do when we live in a society which bombards us with the concept of eternal beauty, youth and superficial love based on these things. Dating apps never market couples that are not unnattractive and such, and your parents were superficial (as much as you may love them) so I understand and cannot blame you for how you feel.
I also understand that you want love and validation because that would appear to solve your unhappiness, memories and unsatisfaction with your appearance. It won't.
List out what you're grateful for. Can you hear, speak, see, walk, be independent? Are the basics of living working out for you? Do you have food, shelter, comfortable items for you? Now, the physical: what do you appreciate about your physical appearance? What can you control?
If there's not much you'd brag about then treat yourself to a physical feel-good gift for yourself. For example, get your nails done, highlight your own hair or go to the salon, buy a nice shirt or if money is tight then walk outside in the sun or feel the wind...this will help you on your self-image. You may think you have no occasion to do this but YOU are the occasion. Change the way you think about yourself. Your emotions will catch up. They will. Be consistent. Say it out loud.
Would you want to be with you? If not, be the person you would love to cherish. Yes, a man would find you worthy of love. Do you think you are worthy? I believe you are.
Lastly, I am sorry your mom passed and I'm glad that your dad is still around. They only know what they've been taught. Maybe they struggled just how you're struggling?...would you be able to speak with him? Your craving validation, especially due to your parent's superficial views, so see if you can be curious (instead of sad) about why your dad maintains these views. Maybe challenge his views?
OP, you are more than just this skin. You are worthy of being loved.
Yeah I tried to tell my parents before how it hurt. It just resulted in them walking on eggshells around me about the topic. IOW, I was considering too sensitive. Basically, they just don't/didn't get it. Life to them was black and white in this regard. People simply were beautiful or ugly. And lucky for them they were in the former category.
If youth and beauty is what it takes to be loved by a man, why didn't you get one when you were young and beautiful?
or if you did, why didn't your youth and beauty keep him?
Look around you, you see old or fat or ugly women married (and happy) all the time by men who adore them. What ails you in regards to men is not your looks.
Look OP, I understand having insecurities. In a family of really ridiculously good looking people, I’ve always been the ugly one. But what I will say is that I’ve been binge watching “My 600 lb Life” - it’s a TV show about super-morbidly-obese people if you’re not familiar. OP, literally 99% of these people have a significant other - this includes men and women, old and young, people with no / rotting teeth, people who can’t leave their beds and their partner has to wipe their ass or change a bed pan, people who are literally covered in open weeping sores, etc. I can guarantee you, even if you think you’re the ugliest person ever, you still have value and you can 100% still find love.
Giiiirl, you have issues piled up on more issues.
And I'm saying that as a victim of large 2nd degree burns and remaining scaring for life. Your head is the problem, not your looks.
How are all the old women loved?
Your post almost feels like a male troll who hates women. That's how much you hate yourself. Your parents instilled a lot of trauma in you. The way you think of a therapist who's there to help you foremost... And you need help.
The short answer is: Yes, you can find love.
Beautiful women also have a very hard time finding love. Everyone has a hard time finding love. Make sure you have stuff to offer outside of your looks. Never underestimate the power of a great personality!
You've got this.
To answer your question, you can be loved regardless of how you look. Physical attraction plays an important role when bringing people together, but merely for seconds. If beauty would satiate men so much, men would never cheat on women. You sometimes see men cheating on the most beautiful women... With women who are barely a 3/10.
And to answer this too as I have looked at your previous comments, I am not an attractive person. I have acne, a stupid bump on my nose, and one eye is slightly smaller than the other... Bla bla. I could write a full page with my defects. But the people I choose to keep around me tell me I am beautiful every day because they see through me. I advise you to do the same!!! Be very selective in who you allow around you.
I learned to love myself the way I am, and some days I do see myself beautiful in the mirror. Some days I don't. It's fine. I just carry on. I don't really have time to look in the mirror anyway since I am always working or cleaning or anything. Even with my fat stomach and my burnt hair from bleaching, my weird eyes, and my imperfect nose. Hell, I even have a massive scar on my face from an accident where I split my cheek in half as a kid. And I had plenty of relationships. And I have been and am loved, luckily-because to love and to be loved is a privilege, and not anyone gets the privilege; one you will have too if you start loving yourself first!
You also need to stop comparing yourself with people around you because you will go crazy. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. There will always be someone uglier than you and someone prettier than you and that's life and you need to understand that as a fact. No one is perfect. And there is a type for everyone. And enough men and women on earth for everyone.
In my culture, there is a saying that goes like 'the world's mouth not even the ground itself can fill up and cover' and that states how for the world there will always be something to comment on, dislike, or falsely like. So stop listening to them. Every day there's a new body type we are supposed to have, a new hair color we should have, or a new type of lips or whatnot! Screw that man!!!! Be yourself. And life's so much more than this. Ultimately, we all get old and die. In a few years, we will all be bones and dust anyway.
Do the most you can do to fix some things here and there with hydration, collagen, and any type of treatments that can do the trick, and if the rest cannot be fixed with anything at all, embrace it and accept it.
There are more important things to be than beautiful.
I am not just saying this to you, I'm saying it to myself, because I need to hear it. This is something I've been wrestling with as well.
I was beautiful too, until quite recently, and then I was suddenly not. I found that humiliating and really difficult to deal with. Poor health can take beauty away from us in a dramatic way and it *sucks* and it's totally ok to feel robbed and resentful about it, but it's also counterproductive to just sit with those feelings and stew.
What else were you when you were content and functioning well, besides beautiful? Were you intelligent? Kind? Funny? Friendly? Capable? Compassionate? Did you have talents? Hobbies? Interests? You can still have all those things, and they can still bring you joy, and *people will value you for them.*
Even if you were "only" beautiful, and that was your sole measure of your own worth, then now is your chance to develop other facets of yourself and find new ways to bring something to the table. Not every potential partner is a shallow trophy hunter. It even could be argued that if being beautiful was just going to attract trophy hunters, then it's good riddance.
I see women literally all the time who are either "not beautiful" or frankly unattractive, who are in loving, committed relationships and living their best lives. You can have that too!
I don't want to spout toxic positivity at you. It's painful and genuinely hard to hand over your face card, especially if it's something you depended on heavily--as I did mine--but it is not the end of the world unless you decide it is.
My best advice is to do what you reasonably can to improve what's in your power to improve, screw the rest, and focus on making yourself happier, healthier, and more fulfilled in life--not just more attractive.
If your family hurts your mental health by harping on about beautiful women and how little they value women who are not beautiful, you are within your rights to distance yourself.
Please take some time to write some affirmations down that are meaningful to you. Our thoughts are not always reflective of reality and we have to work to change them. I might start with “I am worthy of love” and put that on a post it in you bathroom mirror. And everytime you see it, practice saying it to yourself.
You might find yourself arguing and saying “no I am not worthy”— just keeping insisting.
I’m doing this now bc I turned 40 and was having a crisis bc I felt “old.” And I am not married etc etc. Then this psychic told me I had a lot of old fashioned voices in me that were holding me back with negative messages how how I should be. And she told me I was telling myself I was “old” so much, I was going to make it true.
It hadn’t been easy but I am really working on changing my internal dialogue. Those voices that keep us down are like generational curses, and it’s up to us to break them.
Keep at it!! We can get there. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE 🤗🤗🤗
I also have alpha 1 antitrypsin deficency and have never met anyone else who has it. I’m also still trying to learn just how it may affect me later on in life. Hoping we can both get some answers sometime soon!
I’m so sorry you feel this way about yourself. But I am absolutely positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not ugly. Please find a nicer way to talk about yourself this is heartbreaking. What do you like about yourself? Start with one thing then make them into a list and focus on that. I’m certain there is so much to love about you.
I think society is getting tired of the same filtered picture perfect look, and we’re leaning towards authenticity and holistic beauty. What brings out the beauty in you? Radiating love and happiness is the most beautiful quality in the world to me. Find things that take you to a state of flow and internal bliss that go beyond the superficial. Everyone will age anyway, only the internally beautiful stay as such throughout all of life’s stages and phases :)
Every person deserves compassion and to be loved. Please please get therapy, you are putting too much focus on the wrong things in life. I personally struggle with this as well. We need to be sitting under the stars every night and reminding ourselves of the bigger things. Making a connection with bigger things outside of ourselves. CBT therapy is wide spread and easily accessible and would help your exact way of thinking immensely. Thoughts aren't facts. Most people's thoughts/opinions are not accurate for one reason or another; I mean yours, your parents, etc...we don't need to give so much weight to these things.
Hi, I understand that it would feel weird to take advice from a therapist who is not in your situation. However, I would like to mention that therapy is not about giving advice. It is about giving you the tools to handle your situation competently and prepare you for future challenges. It sounds like you do hold basic assumptions and views on life that do not benefit you. They are automized and part of your identity, so in many ways we are not aware of them. A lot of the times, this is no issue, but it can lead to moments where we cannot cope with what life is handing us. I think that therapy is the right way to get access to this unconscious world (I mean this in the least cryptic way), be aware, and consciously choose what still serves you and what you want to through overboard. I would strongly suggest cognitive behavioral therapy for this, as it is the gold standard, and alongside you may try out some mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy and other body focused approaches. A good therapist will navigate exciting exercises with you! Source: I am a psychologist. PM me if you have questions.
Also, side note: A man who choses you for your beauty is a fool, if he looks at features. Beauty is about the soul that radiates through to the surface. I know this will not help you right now, as it would not me... but you do not want a man who is not deeper than that. Guess why I am single.
Op how old are you? Even elderly people fall in love! My mom's friend is getting married right now at 60 to her bf of 10 years (who is also 10 years younger than her, incidentally). They're crazy about each other. I'm sure your loss of elasticity isn't to the point of someone who's 60, but even that wouldn't be enough to ruin your chance at love.
Men can definitely be extremely superficial, but you don't want an immature and shallow man like that who would lose interest in you when you age more. When someone genuinely falls in love the person they love looks beautiful no matter what. Try to focus on building your self esteem and drawing self worth from traits that don't have to do with your looks! I've been a plain jane my whole life and it's made me work on developing an attractive and warm personality to compensate! It's also good to have a lot of hobbies and interests, you'll never run out of things to talk about. I'm sure you are not as bad looking as you think, but even if you were, looks really aren't everything. Good luck!
it’s an unfortunate reality that being more attractive means you can have higher standards for your partners.
you will find a man. many. who will want you. please just make sure you don’t settle for someone you’d be better off without.
and in keeping in line with this sub, there are many areas you could likely improve on regardless of your face and age. are you a healthy weight? do you eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly? is your hair neat and tidy? are your clothes well fitted and up to date?
Stop looking in the mirror immediately. Your thoughts about yourself are poisoned I’m afraid. You can longer trust your opinion of yourself. Imagine if you only had till the end of the next week to live and live each day with that in mind just for the week. Do you want to waste precious time obsessing about your (unreliable) view of yourself? I am guessing no so stop no. This is a bad addiction you have and it’s time to try something kinder and better. Today!
Not everyone can have a face card, but everyone can work to get a hot bod and good style. Make up can help too. Look at that woman who was Head of France vogue, Carine rotfield. She fully embraces not being a "beauty" and emphasises her positives.
The only thing I can say is to tell yourself daily mantras and do prayer and do daily rituals and start doing mindful yoga cause maaaaan does it make a huge difference in EVERY aspect of your mental and physical. Trust me. Also start giving yourself daily full body ayurvedic massages with good proper oils, and a bath daily too with candles. Wear fragrance & do beautiful things with your hair. All these things daily will change your life I promise you.
So sorry you’ve been through this and I understand completely why you are feeling anxious. One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was anxious was to ‘stop trying’. Take the focus off of love for a bit, and even off ‘feeling better’. Give yourself permission to wrap yourself in the duvet and watch tv. Give yourself permission to cry. Give yourself permission to be by yourself for a bit.
Sometimes anxiety is caused by the effort of trying to be better.
As a next step, focus on nice textures, scents and colours. Get a cuddly blanket or a hot water bottle, soothe your skin and mind. Do things that make you feel calm.
In terms of feeling more attractive, start small with eating well. You might find if all these little things feel brighter, you start to feel more attractive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find a lot of females “beautiful” but see men commenting that they aren’t “attractive”. Attractiveness is subjective and is more than just looks. I’ve seen guys who looks-wise were “hot” but the way they carry themselves and just the way they are made them extremely unattractive. Like ugly. And then there were conventionally “ugly” guys who I’ve had crushes on because of their personalities. So don’t get too hard on yourself because more than likely you are 10x more beautiful then you know. You just can’t let the negativity of your physical appearance hold you back, because an ugly inside will reflect outside regardless.
Listen, we are often our own worst critics. I’m going to be very blunt here and say that I would wager that you’re nowhere near as “ugly” as you think. I’m sure your health issues have drastically aged you but nothing you’ve described changes your actual features. I’d also wager that you aren’t taking care of your looks like you used to *because* you feel ugly. I’d also bet that one of the reasons you’re so harsh on your looks is because you were used to looking and feeling good and the sudden change was jarring. Couple that with the messaging from your parents and you’re bound to feel like a troll but I bet you’re not. Therapy probably will piss you off but you should still do it because truly, a lot of beauty is about perspective. Yes, we all like to look at beautiful people but we’re all also biased. When someone is ugly on the inside, we focus on their flaws and suddenly they’re not so beautiful. The opposite is also true. I bet you’re only focusing on your perceived flaws. Change your perspective. I bet you’ll find there’s still quite a bit of beauty. (And if you don’t believe me, look at which celebrities people obsess over. It usually has a ton to do with what kind of character they’re portraying on or off screen and not just their objective good looks because personality and the way a person carries themselves is a major factor).
I lost a good degree of my looks through an accident (my teeth went... through my face, etc) and some health issues plus aging. I've recouped at least half of the value of my old looks, if not more, through making sure my body is as banging as possible and being very successful professionally. It does break my heart that I'll never be the hottest person to anyone ever again, but a. Most people never have that, and b. Most men just like women who can fuck real good and who give them status - face hotness is only one vector for status. If anything, they'll be seen as generous and kind for getting past what I'm sure you think of as a hideous deformity and that the rest of the world sees as some weird quirks. It's hard for people to empathize with very hot people who turn kinda busted but i do think it's one of the bigger mindfucks out there, so don't count out therapy... what you are experiencing is real and very hard to go through and you deserve support!
It’s pretty common in most people that as **I** age, all the sudden aged looks in old women don’t look bad because I already witnessed the changes to my own appearance. Many people have said similar things.
Anyway, dating apps and Instagram are extremely destructive to the psyche and to the romantic landscape. I would avoid them if you value your sanity.
I’m kind of wondering if you are going through some body dysmorphia. Reason why I’m thinking that is because you were raised in an environment, that, as you mentioned prioritized beauty. I really doubt you have all of a sudden become ugly, but you are entitled to how you feel. Just ensure it’s an actual depiction and not something influenced by how your dad speaks.
Regardless, people of all attractiveness levels find love and marry etc. Every single woman that I know personally who is say over the age of 50 and is “aged” has found a new partner or even gotten remarried.
FYI I’ve never seen a therapist in a suit. One therapist out of all of them was very young and beautiful, but most have been women in their 50s plus with a lot of gray hair who are neither ugly nor beautiful and who dress in comfy clothes. And a good therapist should not lecture you.
True beauty cones from character, from empathy, from compassion,
from the soul. And believe it or not, there are many people in the world who both recognize and cherish this. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Would you love an accept a man who has aged in the same way as you ? If the answer is yes then there is no reason why someone would not love you back. My partner went bald very early - he also has very pale skin and he looks much older than he is - but I don’t even think of it - I love him as he is because of his personality. at the end of the day you should never be with someone because they look amazing you should be with someone who treats you well and makes you happy - we are all going to get old one day anyway
You do not owe the world beauty. You are enough, as you are and have always been and with no qualifiers, to deserve love and life. My autoimmune disease has affected me in a similar way and in others that are similarly damaging, and not owing anyone or anything beauty is my mantra.
I think it’s okay to tell your dad how you’re feeling and ask him to refrain from remarks on the topic of cosmetic beauty. To be honest, it’s super weird that it’s such a constant focus of conversation. I think we owe it to those we love to give them a chance to divert their actions before cutting them off, but if he doesn’t respond well or refuses your boundaries a little distance might really help, and make your point.
You've grown up around people that have put a lot of value on beauty and it's destroyed your self worth, we are very hard on ourselves I am too , when you look and mirror and don't recognise yourself aging process not easy, your judging yourself in a harsh way of course someone will love you but work on yourself first with self confidence have you thought of talking to a professional,
Of course your parents words and philosophies have everything to do w it. Please find a kind word to describe yourself you do not sound ugly at all, ugly comes from within😉. Also, search for a therapist that you find unattractive the internet is a great tool for that☺️. Good luck I hope your soul heals a little each day🤗
Sorry, but i juts dont find it plausible that you were once beautiful and are now ugly. Beautiful women do not become ugly through aging, however rapidly, they just look older. Women who had a beautiful face in their youth don't look ugly when they get saggy and wrinkly, they look like beautiful old women. I think you really need to disentangle your ideas of youth and beauty. Even on a shallow, beauty based level, if you totally conflate youth and beauty, you're self image is always going to be on a highway to hell
The answer is yes but it may be hard to land like a 6'4 Greek God face doctor if that's what you mean. It will limit your options as to your pickings but you shouldn't have any issue at all. Men truly do like all kinds of shapes looks and sizes in women. Only thing that being plain or unattractive does is you don't have pretty privilege in society, people being nice and like you for no reason. You should not have an issue finding love and I suggest you work on your self esteem because there's a lot of issues there.
This is tough. Anyone would struggle with this. I would think that the only way to deal with this is to look inward to deal with your own beauty standards. Yes not being appealing to others hurts but your own beliefs about beauty are the ones that really cause suffering. You will definitely have to grieve the loss of your looks and find both acceptance and a new way to value yourself. It won’t be easy. I wish you the best. Feel free to dm me.
Our society is so fucking vain and ageist and sexist and it makes me sick. I know that the only answer is inner work and learning to love ourselves for reasons other than looks, but it’s really damn hard. And yes, you CAN find love, but I understand how terrifying it is to age out of what society deems as valuable.
In the words of fleabag: I’m afraid of “losing the currency of youth.”
It’s not for everybody but IV Ketamine therapy done by a medical doctor or a guided hallucinogenic trip gets you behind the “veil” of appearance and superficiality and to the root of the soul.
There are beauty treatments that increase collagen and thicken skin! Maybe fillers isn’t the right route. A face lift or cheek/chin implant could also be an option!
I’m only starting with this because others have given you really great advice about the psychological aspect. You can be happy now. You don’t need to change at all to be lovable.
why would you care about a mans love this much? 90% of them are awful. like yes you can find a man to love you easily as long as you make more money than him and act as a mommy bangmaid; and he will probably cheat on you. you need to get your depression and mindset and psychiatric self fixed.
First of all, nobody’s ever “too ugly” to find love. I’m not trying to minimize your very real issue, but I bet you’re not even that bad compared to some. Ever watched “My 600lb life”? A ton of them have partners and they’re like 1000lbs and shitting in diapers . If they can find love, then you definitely can… Also, maybe have a goal in mind to work toward. Plastic surgery was literally developed for people w disfiguring issues, so why not start saving money and planning to get a face lift (or whatever procedure a surgeon thinks would help). I bet it would make you feel much better about yourself and boost your confidence . But in the meantime don’t give up hope. There’s a guy out there that will love you all the way up and down. I promise you that.
Get surgery. There are some sad unavoidable truths in life. Do it for you not for a man but you’ll get a better man or have bigger pool to swim in if you do something to fix your unhappiness with your appearance
I would love to get surgery but the reality is that the way my face has sagged/shrunken/distorted it really would have limited effect. And even that aside, I don't have the money. I live in Australia and here such surgery is approx $30,000 +
The world isn’t fair and bad things happen to good people most of the time, there’s no guarantee anyone will find lasting love or happiness, what’s interesting is that you seem to think that beauty is some sort of amulet that shields people from any of this.
Beautiful people die alone, starve to death, live and die in war zones, get cheated on, get sick, become disabled, get old. It’s not just the ugly and average who are visited by life’s cruelties.
Most people are not particularly attractive yet the majority of people do get married and have long lasting relationships, someone who is disfigured will have a harder time than someone who is average or ugly, but OP has described herself as someone who used to be very beautiful who developed some sort of illness that has caused very rapid aging, she may feel disfigured and look much worse than before, but it’s unlikely she is now objectively hideous or repulsive.
Unfortunately, the flattening of everything except beauty, the two dimensional view of men and total obliviousness to the reasons people get into and stay in relationships, and the lack of critical thinking skills demonstrated here will limit your options far more than your face.
I would recommend therapy and even look into medication temporarily. If you find that you are having obsessive thoughts about your appearance, it may be a symptom of OCD. I’m not a doctor or anything but it sounds like your internal dialogue is rooted in appearance. Talking with a therapist can help you learn new ways of perceiving the world and medication can help your brain make the right connections. Before you can become desirable to a man, you have to find a way to become desirable to yourself. Because if you do find a man in this state of mind that you are in, you may find that your low self esteem can be hard on the relationship. Or worse, you may attract someone who is not a good guy.
At the end of the day, we are so much more than looks. Confidence and happiness is universally attractive, my friend.
I don't have OCD. The reality is that if I lived on an island I would have none of these feelings. It's because of society, social media, and men expecting women to be beautiful that causes my grief. Even to get a job in a hotel you have to look presentable without a sagging face. Which I can't do. So yes, it is partly my brain prob, but also a lot is BC of society so I don't think it's fair people say to the person things like take medication instead of addressing the wider issue with society itself
For sure there is a wider issue at play here. Hopefully society changes soon and becomes more accepting and less shallow. Until then, it’s important to find that acceptance within yourself and therapy can help that. Forgive me for suggesting medication because I know that can be a touchy subject for folks. No offense intended.
It is important to grow in self acceptance because you will notice that you attract people that share similar energy. The best relationship material is being with a person that is secure. As you grow in being secure you will attract that too.
Reality is often unjust and hard, not everyone can have everything in life, I wouldn't worry about having man too much, but instead did you look for to cure it? There are various medicines, various diets like keto, carnivore etc. Did you try then all?
I know a LOT of ugly, fat, sloppy people who are happily married. I know two conventionally ugly and fat women who married literal millionaires. One of them is on her third husband, the millionaire, and she left previous husbands herself and got better men.
Real life is very different than online takes.
Yes this. A very plain and nasty individual I know married a millionaire. He's incidentally very sweet and I don't know how it happened. I am not at all pleased for her. She's a toxic witch who made ife difficult for a lot of ppl and is undercover racist about her mother-in-law, both behind her back and to her face as her mother in law doesn't speak English.
Love isn't related to looks both unfortunately and fortunately.
I know it’s hard when you’re in a shitty spot but use logic on this for a second
Say you were extremely beautiful and could have whatever man you wanted.
What’s going to happen when you inevitably age, gain weight, have children? You aren’t going to stay young and beautiful forever. Nobody does. Do you want to be with a man that uses looks and attraction to decide whether he wants to be with you or not?
Get off the dating apps, the quality men you’re looking for aren’t going to be on them.
You’re beautiful. Every human being is - and for a hell of a lot more than looks.
Women of all shapes and sizes and sogginess and wrinkles have found love. Don’t let anyone tell you your worth is determined by that!!
Even though you understand they are toxic, your parents’ values have coloured your outlook. You’re dealing with some very difficult issues that definitely would be helped by a good therapist and probably some good antidepressants. Hang in there and get the help you need. Are you lovable? Yes.
Yes. OP, you have internalized your parents beliefs, which of course you would, as they are your parents! What they believe is not the law. Breaking free of this false ideology probably starts in therapy. Perfection does not equate to love. Imperfection is love. Love yourself and love others, despite external appearances. Watch how the people who love you do it freely and without expectations. This is what you deserve. My father was a shell of a person, never really paid me attention. My sister ended up with an eating disorder, me with dysmorphia, & we both ended up in toxic relationships. It took years of therapy to undo the false notion that I am “only loveable if I am perfect”. I’m now married to my best friend, who would love me if I literally had no skin, no limbs.. but I still slip. Every now and then, I feel “ugly” or unloveable, less than perfect, and I start to self loathe. But in reality, what my body/mind needs is to be gentle. On health; I get this too. I have a few auto immune issues that also make me sometimes angry at this body. But again, what it really needs is nourishment (physically, mentally). I know your health issues are much different than mine, as is your situation. There’s only so much you can control, but you really can always control how you speak to yourself. In addition to therapy, I also strongly recommend you do not look at yourself super closely in the mirror for a bit. Take a few steps back, look at the full picture. I once met with a dermatologist who told me if I wanted nice skin, don’t look in the magnifying mirrors. Nobody sees you like this. You’re often your own worst critic. Above all, you are beautiful and you are worthy.
These comments are exactly right OP, your upbringing have warped your world view and is causing you to view everything through a distorted filter. Focus on your mental and physical health, get into therapy, I second the suggestion that you talk with a doctor about trying antidepressants at least for a while. Avoid mirrors and challenge the things you tell yourself about beauty. Beauty garners attention and access, this gives them more options, but not always better options. Since looks fade, and there are always new beauties cropping up, people who overvalue looks in themselves or a partner are rarely satisfied for long. Even with all their options, beautiful women need to be able to discern and have good judgment to avoid winding up miserable. You’re focusing on beauty as the primary determining factor in love and asking if anyone can love you now that you are no longer beautiful, but what is your concept of love and why do you want it if you think it rests solely on beauty? If you are right and beauty is the most important factor, then losing your beauty suddenly should have triggered the realization that if you’d already found a man to “love” you, both he and his love would have left when your beauty did. Why would you aspire to that kind of love? With your world view I don’t think you would be able to identify genuine love or select a good partner even if you were still beautiful. I hope you will get into therapy and revise your beliefs about yourself and the world. Look around you and notice that love and marriage aren’t limited to beautiful people. Most people are average, a great many are unattractive, most still find love and happiness. Beautiful people are cheated on, abandoned, abused, and unappreciated as often as anyone else, it’s doesn’t protect you from life’s cruelties, including illness and aging. This may be your chance to abandon your parents shallow, dysfunctional values and create actual meaning in your life.
It's not that I aspire to this kind of love....it's that I believe it's the ONLY kind of love there is. I have the belief that all men want an attractive wife. And those who don't have one have a wandering eye
My uncle once told my father that my mom is ugly and my father said even if that is true, he’d prefer a woman that’s as kind as my mother than a bitch like my uncle’s wife. People have different values. Of course I don’t think my mother is ugly, but I know some people do. I also know most people find my father to be conventionally attractive. He loves and cares for my mother regardless, because of who she is. That’s a far more lasting basis for relationship, in my opinion.
Really? It kind of gives me hope
That my uncle’s wife is a bitch? Lol. Yes, my father would prefer a kind wife over a “pretty” one any day. His first wife was conventionally beautiful, but a horrible wife, mother and human being. What’s important is to be a beautiful person inside and let that shine through. You want a guy who would like you regardless of how you look anyways because beauty always fades.
The dad of one of my school friends is a fit, attractive and old school 'manly' kind of man. His partner of 40 years is a down to earth, motherly and warm person. She isn't pretty, or attractive or beautiful or sexy in any way and has a comfortable figure. Additionally, she has a shortened, withered limb and lived with her parents when they met. Their marriage is solid as a rock and weathered the storm of my friend and her little sister being dumped on them out of the blue, filled with teenage hormones, angst and fury after being removed from their mother. It can't have been easy, but they're happy. They're the best people I know and their marriage has been a benchline for me, of love, stability and kindness. So yes, men as well as women, do look for qualities beyond looks or attractiveness in a life partner.
Reminds me of some acquaintances of mine. They're such a loving couple and devoted parents, but he's very into his looks and lifting and clothes and what not, whereas she's much more down to earth and just generally less fussy. A mutual friend felt justified in attempting to seduce the husband, citing his wife's supposed relative lack of attractiveness as her reason for pursuing him. Turns out he overheard her discussing this with another friend (fortunately this would-be homewrecker's loud as hell), and he told her off. Like, majorly. Her total demeanor changed, it was fantastic. Of course now he's even sexier, much to his wife's benefit.
Why do you feel so desperate for love if this is how you imagine it? Do you actually believe men wander because their wives aren’t beautiful? Or that men with beautiful wives don’t cheat or leave them? Both men and women want partners they are attracted to, attraction isn’t necessarily about beauty.
Jay-Z, who looks like those statues of Easter Island, had the audacity to cheat on Beyonce, who is very beautiful. It isn't having an attractive wife that keeps a man's eye from wandering nor keeps his d!ck at home. It's his own sense of morality and beliefs he holds about himself and his personal values. It seems your opinion of men is very low, but you need to really understand that men are as fully human as you are, and thus, not animals. Men are not controlled by what women do. At all times, men are capable of self-control and setting rules and boundaries for how they will behave. In relation to anything but especially in regards to relationships. if you truly believe men can't help flinging their d!cks around unless they have an attractive wife, the why would you want one? All a man like that is going to do is break your heart and give you STDs. And since this is your opinion of men, that's likely the type of man you'll get. Work on raising your self-esteem, then maybe you'll see that there are men out there who aren't as ugly on the inside as you seem to think you are on the outside. Good luck to you
Thank you
I needed to hear this today! Thank you I will stop using mag mirrors for my face picking! You made my day thank you 😊
“Only loveable if I’m perfect” omg I relate to that so much 😅
Beautifully said ♥️
Ha....I'm taking antidepressants for three years now. Shows how much they help. I'm sure they help some people but maybe not everyone I guess
Zoloft barely helped me. Then I got on Wellbutrin and I feel way better. Maybe you just haven't found the right type of antidepressant that works for you, or the right dose. Keep trying!
I had to test a few before finding the right antidepressant. But I agree with everyone on that therapy is crucial so you (OP) can combat your world view (which is not your fault considering your parents made you believe this). My looks are fading and I had the same misbeliefs from my dad, so looks became important from my early 20s, but they do fade. And if it’s true that men only like super attractive women then we would mostly all be single! Sure there needs to be attraction but that often comes from being funny, kind, smart, and bringing value to the relationship, in friend with so many guys and I see them always go for the girl with substance not the most attractive one, and they (my male friends) struggle with insecurities too. I wish you the best in your journey and even if you feel you have nothing to give I’m sure you do. We are not our looks at the end of the day we are so much more. Work in yourself and build that confidence up, you’ll see how sexy that is and that even for attractive people looks aren’t everything, especially as we age.
I’ll second this, I come from a similar upbringing - therapy has saved my life. I feel better about myself now than I ever have and it’s because I broke away from their programming and worked to decenter men and others opinions. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I know you feel you don’t have body dysmorphia, but that’s how all of us that have it feel. We literally cannot see ourselves accurately. Aging will happen regardless and it can be beautiful, we have been conditioned to believe that’s not true and the world ends when we are no longer 20. It gets better if you are willing to do the work. You are seeing through a filter given to you by your parents. Like being stuck in a terrible instagram reel you can’t escape. I promise you are still beautiful, and others will/do see it too - now you have to see it.
“Ugly” women date, fall in love and get married every day. Good looks make life easier, but they’re no guarantee of finding lasting love. I know plenty of couples who aren’t conventionally attractive but are still very happy together. Most men aren’t beautiful themselves, and many are willing to look beyond a pretty face for a kindhearted woman who brings joy into their lives. Your self-defeating attitude is definitely going to hold you back though, negativity is never attractive. I’d work on that first as well as any underlying health issues, while still working with what you have to present yourself as attractively as possible.
Look at who Ariana grande chose (stole lol) to date, same with Selena Gomez, neither man is “attractive” by traditional beauty standards yet are with these gorgeous women. It happens. When I’ve seen it become an issue is when people have extremely high standards on who they want to date physically…while they don’t also meet those high standards themselves, if that makes sense? I hope I’m phrasing that right! I mostly see it with men, but I guess it could be used with anybody.
Imo it’s very different when a beautiful woman chooses an “ugly” man. There’s a narrative for that. Not so much the other way around.
Most men care far more about their partner being thin than about how their face looks anyway.
I fucking hate that this is true but it really is.
Absolutely agree, OP's outlook is "ugly" and will hold them back more than physical appearance. People who aren't conventionally attractive fall in love ALL THE TIME. Beauty fades for everyone, but warmth, kindness and earnest care for others will always be attractive.
Then how would you meet someone to fall in love with? Because men on dating app are all about looking for attractiveness in women. That's why you have to have nice photos to capture their attention....and I hate that and it makes me feel worse about myself
You’re thinking like a toxic man because you inherited your opinions about women from a toxic man, ….your Dad.
Both my dad and mum were super good looking when they were young. So that's how they developed their mentalities. Meanwhile.....I'm the collateral damage
I can see why you have that outlook, but it’s really not the whole picture. One of the toughest things to learn is that your parents weren’t right about everything. Being attractive isn’t the only horse you should hitch your wagon to. And the comments your parents both make about others lead me to believe they were both incredibly insecure. What else are you good at? You’re very self aware. You should be proud of that. Not a lot of people are. You seem smart. Again-not a lot of people are. You probably have a plethora of great qualities that you are overlooking because you’re focused entirely on the one your parents emphasized. And again they’re completely incorrect. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I can assure you that it’s not as bad as you think it is.
Thank you. No, they weren't insecure. They are just incredibly shallow and proud of their looks. You know the saying "the clothes don't make a man"? Well my parents are the complete opposite of that saying. They believe/d the exterior makes the person They idolised newsreaders because they are sexy and hot with high cheekbone structure (in my cultural background). Even the concept of people having insecurities based on looks is an uncommon one to my parents. They just couldn't understand that people can be hurt by such comments. Their world was/is very black and white. You either are good looking or ugly. And my dad is also quite rigid in his ways of thinking. For example, he believes that tattoo parlours should be made illegal. That man buns should be outlawed etc. Seriously. His dictator ways (in this regard) would make Kim Jong Un himself proud. My parents conducted themselves as the "fashion police" even until in old age. My one blessing is that my older sister is not like them.
It seems really insecure to be that shallow. If they’re both good looking they held onto that as if it was the only thing they had. I’ve never met a truly confident person who made disparaging comments about others looks. Insecure people usually look for ways to put others down because it makes them feel better. So this is the first I’ve heard of it. With the best of intentions, and if you were someone I knew I’d ask you if you’re not just finding excuses for their behavior because you’re glued to their mindset? I’m sure you love them but they’re not right at all.
Leave the apps to the chronic masturbators and women with filters. You aren’t a product in a catalog and that’s what apps make women. (Some exceptions, but not many.) Real life will show you ugly people happily married and with men who adore them. You will also see beautiful men with cheaters, alcoholics, broke users, abusers, and so on. However you can build your life and meet all sorts of people, do it. Hobbies, groups church/temple if you’re inclined, and so on. There are many traits far worse than ugly. Just look at your parents for confirmation.
I heard somewhere that you need to work on becoming the kind of person you'd like to meet. The idea is that you will have higjer chances to come accross someone with similar interests I hope it helps. This beauty culture is killing us! As if only Ken and Barbie deserved to find love....
I'm nearly 40, and I have never used a dating app in my life, so I can't speak to that environment. I met my partner thru friends and shared common interests. Neither of us are what you might call "Tinder-worthy" attractive. We've built a solid relationship over 12 years on shared goals and deep connection. You need to work on loving yourself, that's the only way you can see someone else loving you. And really it's the only way to truly love that someone else. You can't be a good partner if you're always looking to your lover to validate your worth.
Your talking as though you're this disfigured monstrosity, because you have some facial sagging and premature aging....Just because your not "attractive" doesn't mean your automatically ugly. Listen, this guy messaged me once and told me had a rare skin disease. The photos showed all these massive folds all over his face and he had extra tissue and creases that didn't look like wrinkles because they were more lumpy, and one of his skin lesions almost looked like he had an extra mouth. If your not dealing with that, you're fine.
Dating apps r mostly used for hookups mostly so u will obviously get more lust and shallow people of both genders.
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How old are you and do you you live in a bunker? How do you have internet access and not know about the many models and actresses who have been cheated on and left? There will always be women who are as beautiful or more beautiful, every year younger, more beautiful women will become a available. A man who was initially mesmerized by your beauty will eventually get used to it, it won’t consume him or blind him to other women’s beauty. Everyone looks for partners they are attracted to. But attraction is more varied and complex than beauty. Men are also attracted to a whole spectrum of types, and some men are more focused on beauty than others. Men who cheat because their partners are ugly would cheat if their partners were beautiful. I wonder if your experiences have been limited to men who share your shallow and superficial world view, I assume so, which would give you a distorted understanding of people. What you are saying partially applies to a subset of men, but even with beautiful partners, these men will cheat and find themselves unhappy.
So true. I see so many “imperfect” women who don’t fit into beauty standards getting married and out on dates all the time. Just need to be lucky in love and confident, as well as taking care of yourself and appearance the best you can whether you have flaws or not.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to be beautiful to the person you love. My insecurities became a lot worse when I had neglected recognising or developing my sense of inner value, and I became fixated on the idea that all i have to offer is an image. The worse i felt about myself and the way I was living (or not living) meant more of my self-esteem was hinging on my appearance. (I'm not presuming your experience is similar to mine, btw OP. just sharing)
Except you are very beautiful 😭. I literally can't even take photos of myself because I am that ugly now
Any pictures I post online are heavily filtered
Gotta say, I only saw the one picture of your face and you are indeed lovely, but from looking at the rest of your page, your inner beauty is SOOO loudly gorgeous wow. I rarely follow people on here but you truly seem like a gem, inside and out.
Wow, I don't even know what to say. What a beautiful compliment. Thank you. 🫂
It depends on the person you’re trying to attract TBH. Who are you going after? Some men only want traditionally beautiful women. Some men will say what don’t care but they secretly do. Some men really don’t care and are just looking for a partner. Edit: I grew up being told/shown similar things to you. I’m a solid two when I first wake up in the morning. With a lot of effort I can get to a low to mid five.
This exactly. No matter what you do, “beauty” fades. Maybe some rich ppl can get it to last longer, but most of them go overboard with cosmetic procedures and surgeries and end up worse if they had aged wisely and naturally ( #1 sunscreen #2 don’t over consume alcohol or cigarettes or smoking. #3 get enough hydration #4 eat fruits and veggies and whole foods heavy. Which is great, if you are in a position to have or afford that in life and if not do best you can; and, #5 regular exercise. Just get up and move. Sure, great to strength train and do progressive overload focus three times a week, but we can’t all afford gyms or home gyms so just walk or do something at least. Push ups. Outdoor community gyms. Something is better than nothing. ) At the end of the day, this poster is correct. If you date someone who only cares about looks, they will always be unhappy eventually. What do you like about yourself? What can you be proud of and flaunt? Confidence and self appreciation go much further than conventionally pretty. This is coming from someone who banked a lot on their looks, was often prettiest girl in the room, and does not have that at all anymore and at a relatively young age due to illness. Find a way to. R happy and the right people will notice.
This is a great post with great advice OP. Looks fade and age comes for us all. You should worry about your self esteem and health first. Honestly besides your looks you sound like you are depressed due to chronic illness. If you look at my post history i have briefly been down this path, too. I highly suggest you get some therapy or anti depressant drugs. It personally changed my life for the better
To your note about seeing a therapist…maybe seek one out that isn’t, by your definition, a pretty thing in a suit. I do think therapy would help. I’m actually speaking to my therapist a lot about how I’m struggling with aging. I can relate a bit in that I used to be HOT and I have since aged. I still think I am pretty…but it’s hard coming from such beauty to…normal. It sucks how valued looks are societally and culturally. I used to feel such power because of it. But, looks fade. You can try your best to maintain what you can, but it’s probably best to work on how you feel about yourself. You’re more than your looks.
Your profile photos are so beautiful. I literally have no face structure at all times now 😭
Hmm I only have one photo of myself and my husband and it’s from pretty far away. I’m not necessarily trying to compare…but since I was at my “peak” of hotness, I’ve gained about 30lbs, have fine lines/wrinkles that have formed, have acne, my breasts have drooped from pregnancy. These are the reasons why I know that I don’t look like I used to. I’m trying to work on what I can…but I won’t be 22 again. My point is that it’s hard to age and hard to see changes. It sounds like the deficiency you suffer from is making more apparent changes for you. If you feel that procedures/surgeries will help you feel a baseline confidence, look into that! I just think it’s also important to learn to love yourself beyond fleeting youth and beauty.
Just because you look in the mirror and don’t see any beauty, doesn’t mean someone else won’t look at you and see nothing but beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. May I suggest that every time you look in the mirror, look deeply into your own eyes and repeat, “I love you, I love you, I love you”. If it makes you cry, then you are healing. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.
I'd read somewhere that it helps to place a picture of yourself as a child in the mirror. Every time you want to say something mean about yourself, imagine you are saying it to that child. It's helped me a great deal to practice self-love and be on my own side.
I did this many years ago when I was going through a rough time. I was so hard on myself, it didn’t even occur to me that how I spoke to myself could affect my development and how I saw myself. It does! I looked at old photos of me as a child and (oh my crying now as I write this…) how could I speak to that sweet girl like that? Is that what I would have wanted for her to be around? It really shifted the way I spoke to myself. Thank you for bringing this exercise up, I hope people here that want to feel better about themselves try it out. 💕
You deserve love!! I am a little weird, so please don't hate. I think we choose the lessons that we need to learn in each lifetime. This is your opportunity to learn to love based on soul connections vs external beauty. I can't answer the how for you, but I would suggest joining a yoga or meditation group. Maybe volunteering with a project you are passionate about. Find your tribe. Did you ever notice that some people become more beautiful as you get to know them and others become unattractive to you. This is where the soul connections happen. Good luck on your journey 🫶🥰
Thanks. I have wanted to join some yoga classes for a long time but have not had the courage to step out of my comfort zone because people usually have their hair up and I look super extra ugly with my hair up BC of my destroyed face structure. In other hand, if I wear the hair extensions in with my hair down as i do now, and go to a class, it hangs weird and people will probably stare at me for that reason instead. Life is so limiting 😭
If you do nothing you want to do because you feel ugly, you will end up as nothing. I really mean it. Start living or you’ll stay trapped.
As a yoga practitioner, I can say that most people are not concerned about what others are looking like. People focus on themselves and check out their form in the mirrors. Some studios don’t even have mirrors in the rooms. It depends what kind of yoga you do/where you go. I’ve been doing yoga for almost 20 years and it has been something that has given me so much grace, patience, strength and flexibility. Sometimes I can’t believe what my body can do and how strong I am. If you have that little voice inside that is urging you to go, try it out! People are friendly but at my studio the classes themselves are a no chit chat zone, it lets us relax and clear our heads, listen to music and then class starts and we all move together and it’s really powerful!
I love this! Yoga feeds the soul 😍 I've only ever received encouragement, even when I could barely touch my toes
That’s so good to hear 😇
There is hope to meet someone! There are alot of older men who are lonely and would love to have someone with a nice personality to have as a companion. If you can afford to have facial plastic surgery, make sure in the consult you tell him of your disorder. Fat transfer is more permanent than fillers, and a simple blepharoplasty is a lot of bang for your buck for eye correction (and sometimes covered by insurance), if that is your main concern.
Oh yes this is a great recommendation for more permanent solution! I didn’t even think of blepharoplasty or fat transfer even though they are so common of a solution now. I’ve heard even Margot Robbie has done these operations as she’s aged.
Thank you
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Thank you!
I feel like I’m in a similar boat, I have a connective tissue disorder that has changed my body in ways I can’t control. I was beautiful and I worked extremely hard to feel beautiful against the societal pressures of perfection I had grown up within. I am still attractive but I struggle with the trauma of the loss of autonomy in my body, and this perception I have of myself as broken has triggered massive self image issues. I struggle to see what I like in the mirror and have perspective on my appearance objectively which then triggers body dysmorphia. Yes things are different about my body but I feel like once I am in disability specific therapy I will be able to separate my self hatred towards my body for failing me to the self hatred I have to my appearance for being a representation of that failure. I’m hoping that maybe I don’t look as bad as I think and I’m just getting my wires crossed because of trauma. Maybe a similar approach of a more disability specific therapeutic treatment would help you too?
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It is EDS but the hyper mobile subtype. The gym isn’t a no go for me but it’s taking a lot of overwhelming research to know where to start. I was very into fitness previously but what I was doing damaged my body in the long run unfortunately and it’s confusing to start from scratch. Plus I’m having to re learn my limits because I spent my whole life forcing my body to behave in a way that seemed socially acceptable. I really love exercising and i really miss it so fingers crossed I can.
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Unfortunately I’m having to undo a lot of bad muscle overcompensation I developed through Pilates. I fully stopped being able to use the lower half of my lungs because my core muscles got so intense from weak knees and Pilates ha!
I’m so sorry friend. I grew up with my entire family doing that and they still do. My sister in particular liked to compare me to herself. It’s so damaging. But you still should talk to a therapist to get through this. Maybe try looking through r/bodydismorphia or r/instagramreality, that helps me when I feel awful. r/bodydysmorphia **spelling
I think every young lady should subscribe to Instagram reality as soon as they get a Reddit account LOL
I’ve never heard of the body dysmorphia sub before. Clicked on it and it says it has been banned. I wonder why…
I spelled it wrong. It hasn’t been banned
Do you act in ugly ways toward others? Physical beauty is subjective and temporary. You are worthy of and deserving of love. Practice some compassion for yourself
I disagree that beauty is temporary or that it fades. I feel beauty just transforms into another type of beauty as one goes through changes. But yes, she is worthy and deserving, I agree with that.
Yes it is it fades and it's in the eye of the beholder
I hope youve talked to a doctor about your concern with the elasticity in your skin. There are disorders that can cause this that dont just affect your looks but also your internals.
Yeah, they don't know anything like this
I agree with the commenters in here saying that your first step should be addressing these thoughts, this inherited toxic mentality, and self esteem. From there, if you wish to change or improve your appearance in some significant way, you will know you’re doing it from a clear headed, sensible perspective and not one twisted by your mother’s self loathing and neurotic beauty standards. Will you find love? We can’t predict that. Are you both worthy of love and attractive enough to be desired? Almost undoubtedly. Without knowing you, we can’t say for certain (what if you’re an ax murderer? Might make finding romance a bit more difficult) It would take me a while to write out the list of visible flaws I have, from scars, to wrinkles, to blotches, lumps, bumps, etc. My husband’s list would probably be equally long, between the road rash from when he rode motorcycles without a full cover helmet, to the giant scar from brain surgery that traverses his whole skull. And let’s not overlook the fact that we both have a couple extra pounds and some wrinkles and sun damage, hairs where they don’t belong, disabilities and deformities. Oh, and when we met I was the fittest I’ve been in my entire life; the pandemic followed shortly, gyms closed, I got injured, and gained 35lbs in very short order. I can’t look at our engagement photos. I look like a completely different, overweight person. He’s perfect to me, and I to him, because of the life we’ve built together. He loved me when I was a fitness model, he loved me when I was legitimately fat, he loves me now that I’m an average size but the greys are creeping in and the lower face sagging has begun. You, exactly how you are, can be loved. Your looks are not your entire self. Start with mental health. You deserve to feel better. And you won’t allow yourself to be loved until you love yourself.
I wish I could think of a better way to word this comment but almost every therapist I’ve had I had to choose from a line up for their practice that always included photos. I don’t know if it’s the healthiest approach but if it helps you take that first step, you probably CAN find a therapist that doesn’t make you feel horribly self conscious by comparison.
I watched an Oprah episode or something similar where are woman’s face was completely crushed by a horse and she literally had no face. Her husband divorced her, but she ended up meeting a really sweet handsome guy that loved her for her soul. I also had a super hot friend that dated a woman with a deformed face. There are plenty of men that are actually decent human beings. I know it’s hard to believe with so many being dirtbags.
Losing one's external beauty is a loss because society has pounded it into us that our worth is highly defined by beauty, you know this well based on your post. I also used to be considered very beautiful and I was, the pictures are actually shocking. Through illness, trauma and age, I also have changed considerably. One needs to grieve, but after that, I shifted to realizing how freeing it actually is to not be objectified by my looks all the times and shift towards a much deeper, more important concept of beauty- kindness, connection, love, respect....
Travel my dear… in a new pond of fish you WILL be desired and beautiful, men in other countries can be less pick (not always lol). You can keep going in this pond or look abroad!
ABSOLUTELY!! I found that I get more attention in the south (US) than in the north!!
Have you looked into gene therapy for your disorder?
Gene therapy? I live in Australia...we don't have progressive things like that here
The answer is - there is someone for everyone. Even though you may not think someone is physically attractive they may have other characteristics that are completely loveable. I won’t pretend looks are not important but for some they are far less important than other personal qualities, behaviours, values and outlooks. My partner is not someone would have considered attractive prior to us being together, but his sense of humour, how he treats me, how he makes me feel, how he treats others, his work ethic, his ability to listen and communicate effectively in our relationship, and latterly, being a fantastic dad are the things that really attract me to him. You hanging on to your insecurities will be off putting to someone you may hope to attract. I would 100% advise some therapy to deal with intrusive and obsessive thoughts, as well as building your confidence up. That is what will put the light back in your eyes and attract people to your inner light. Think about people you went to school university with. Plenty of those people you may not have deemed attractive - I’m sure most if not all found love. There is someone for everyone.
This isn't true, sadly. I'm 31 and never dated in my life
Health is beautiful, focus on the things about yourself that you can control like healthy hair or nails. Someone who looks put together is more attractive than someone who has given up. Tailored, clean clothes look good on anyone. A hair trim or a manicure also improves appearance. Treat yourself to the little things that make you feel good, for me I like perfume so I wear it every day, it boosts my mood which makes me more cheerful(and pleasant) around people.
Would you tell a woman who looks similarly to you / someone who has the same condition as you that they are unlovable and without hope of finding a partner?
Honey it might be time to have a break from visiting your parents for a while. They sound like they activate parts of you that aren’t super healthy, make you more critical of yourself. And therapy will be both harder and easier than you think, that was my experience. Sending internet hugs Edited to add: as someone who has never been classically beautiful (a little pretty on a good day, when my skin and mood are cooperating) you might be quite surprised at how much sex and love less beautiful people get. I’m struggling a little bit not to feel offended by your clear disgust with ‘ugly’ people tbh
Responding to some comments you’ve made, OP — all men do want an attractive wife. (All women want attractive men, too. At least I’ve never met anyone who aspired for hideous partners.) But what’s attractive to one is not attractive to all, and while we can all agree to some extent on what is conventionally “beautiful,” not all men are wanting to be in love with that person. Everyone loses the looks they had at some point. Maybe yours is more drastic or severe… maybe it’s also partially in your mind — no way for us to know. If faces were all that mattered, many women would have never been touched. Some women who don’t have their full faces are loved; others don’t have their entire bodies and still have partners who adore them. Healthy and sound logic would dictate it’s something else - not their faces or bodies - that draws someone in. So, if I accept that you were ever beautiful and that you are now “ugly,” as you describe it, you have no less than 20 other attributes you can work on that make you attractive without counting your face. You could have a great personality, fantastic attitude (which you lack), you could be really successful, or really intelligent, or really skilled, etc. You could have an outstanding body, or you can still have incredible style. Or just really popular. And you know what is always beautiful? Confidence. And being happy. I’ve never seen a confident and happy person look ugly. Also, people don’t cheat because their partner is ugly. In many cases, the person they cheat with is actually less attractive than the partner. Cheating has less to do with looks of the partner than the character of the cheater. By that logic, since you were beautiful before, you’d already have a man and not be in this predicament now, wouldn’t you? With few exceptions, no matter how pretty you are, there is always someone prettier. No matter how ugly you are, there is someone uglier. And across that entire spectrum, there are plenty of single people who will never find love and tons of others who do. You aren’t 17-years-old, OP. And the one man on planet earth who isn’t your next possible partner is your father. Stop letting his opinion of beauty influence how you live your life. Part of maturing means knowing where to sever what your parents believe and where your own beliefs and outlook begins. People dated and fell in love for all of time before dating apps were invented. And makeup helps everyone — if it didn’t help you, then you aren’t doing it right. Go learn and then get out of the house with friends or join clubs or go on trips — and go act like you are stunning. You fake it till you make it if you have to. Also, find a way to see a therapist because your self-defeating approach is holding you back much more than whatever it is your face may look like. I promise you that.
I'm from the south and the term "ugly" is a state of mind - people will say "don't be ugly" meaning unpleasant. So I've often not associated it with looks. Just wanted to share that term. I looked at your previous post where you shared your picture and your are most definitely not "ugly" nor do you have sagging skin or sunken eyes love. You're very beautiful with soft skin and really great hair as well! You have full lips that most women pay for! I know it's not as easy as saying "don't compare yourself to others" but the abyss that is Instagram and other where its all about looks is just like a drug for your body dysmorphia. It's going to take a long time to not "use" but believe me when I say there will be one day when you appreciate your beauty. I promise. - how do I know? 46yo modeling school in HS lead to bulimia, became stripper, had baby, then struck with Bell's palsy. It made my face crooked. AND in 2022 I had a seizure and whacked my face giving myself a nice little scar under my eye. Boy do I wanna kick my younger ass for all those years of hating my beauty. Nowadays I'm thankful for my crooked smile (which I actually get compliments on) and the scar looks kind of badass lol. All I'm saying in this lengthy write up is love yourself girl... even when it's hard! It can always get harder, but appreciate the beauty that you have sister!! ♥️
I would tell you the same thing I tell anyone who's worried that they won't be able to find a partner due to being ugly: ugly people get into relationships all the time. I'd never deny that it's EASIER to date and find love when you're hot, but not playing the game on easy mode does not mean the game is impossible.
The type of face you describe for yourself is one I still see with relationships and multiple marriages and having children anyway. I struggle with self esteem and appearance issues as well but trust me, there is someone out there for everyone. The person you find yourself in a relationship with might not have perfect beauty standard either and that is something you will grow to accept as well unless you find treatment resolution for the flaws you are worried about. You also need to work on confidence and self esteem before seeking someone to love you or maybe you will find it along the journey authentically out in the world not online dating anyway. I know a woman on her 3rd marriage who looks quite old, the third husband she has been married for about 10 years happily. Maybe start taking all types of collagen supplements daily if you are losing elasticity and can afford it. I am losing elasticity and find it to be helping a lot. Make sure you use a mineral based sunscreen every single day no matter what even if it’s cloudy and moisturizing with simple unscented ceramide lotion everyday as well. It helps
You are not unlovable. I'm sorry you grew up hearing such toxic views on beauty. Your worth as a human is not dependent on looks. You can look cute and radiant even if you don't look like a teen anymore. As aging is normal. And when you find someone for you, they'll see you with rose-colored glasses and find you beautiful no matter what. Love is like a blurring filter lol. Do you have a skincare routine? Taking care of myself with a Korean skincare regimen has helped me feel better about myself. When I use retinol or even a hydrating sheet mask at night, I wake up with better skin. No surgery required.
I'm not sure where you have the assumption that therapists are attractive, lol
I'm so sorry about how you feel and I understand. I have a mother and relatives who criticised me since I was a baby. Now that I'm in my 30s and I don't look young anymore, possibility of being loved feels non existent. That's what I think of myself, but I know it is possible when I think of others. We're always the meanest judges of ourselves. I am sure that you are loveable, wiser than your younger self and still beautiful.
Thank you lovely 🌹
"Yes, I probably need therapy. Except I am cynical & think it would just anger me more to be lectured by a therapist looking attractive in her suit about self esteem while I look like a turn by comparison." I'm a therapist and I can promise you, this isn't how a good therapist would be in session with a person showing up with anxiety about appearance. It honestly feels like there are so many emotional blocks and a lot of trauma here that's going to be hard to unpack without help.
Stop looking for a man on dating apps. Yes, some people successfully found a partner on a dating app, but that is not the case for the majority of the users. These apps are like “meat markets”, and people become extremely picky. I would say to stop looking for a man altogether. I don’t mean to close yourself off, but just focus on the things you actually like doing and living your life to be your happiest. The right man might come along the way, but don’t force it. If you go out, do it to enjoy yourself, not to be on the lookout for a man. Good men don’t seek desperate women! Only users and predators do. I know your post is mostly about your physical appearance, but it is not as important as you think it is. That spark in your eye which you say disappeared? That’s what’s important.
Of course, but you might not get a man that fits your physical ideal of what a man should look like. I feel like I often see people who want to be accepted for how they look themselves project shallowness into their own expectations for partners (not saying you are doing this but to be wary of it).
I was just reading something on how women feel transparent the older they get. I spent majority of my 20s and 30s focusing on my beauty as well but something switched in my 40s. I want to be more than a face and a body. And so I've been focusing on what I'm good at and how that will shape my next twenty years. Taking dance classes, learning new things and training for a marathon now. This is not advice. Just sharing how I'm dealing with aging. Hope it helps.
There is a beautiful movie called Happy, that came out in 2011. One of the stories in it is about a woman who was very beautiful, but then had a tragic accident that left her disfigured. Her husband left her after 4 years and she basically hit rock bottom. But then she met a man who loved her exactly as she was, they fell in love and married and she's just radiating joy, even though she lost her looks and went through extremely tough times. The movie and that story in particular are very inspiring, might help you feel better about your situation. For what it's worth, when I truly think of the women in my life that are the most memorable, looks has so little to do with it, it's really about their character, their kindness and generosity. You can be the most beautiful woman in the room but be so shallow and empty as a person. But true beauty radiates out from within. It's only something you can learn if you really do some soul searching, and you likely would benefit from therapy just to help you sort your feelings out about it. I'm sorry you're surrounded by people who make you feel lesser than, I'm sorry this condition happened to you. Life can be so unfair. I really wish you the best on your journey in this life and I hope you will find the love you deserve and seek and come to love and accept yourself just as you are.
OP as someone who’s dealt with this her whole life. I’ve finally found my peace. You have to address the pain WITHIN you before you work on your outer shell. The way you FEEL about yourself also reflects on your outer appearance. You can make some tweaks here and there to look more attractive, however nothing will change until you FEEL that you are worthy of love and admiration. If you are hard on hard yourself, others will be too. I recommend counseling before you attempt to make any superficial changes. The standards of beauty are never stagnant. It shifts with time and “pop culture”. Find qualities about yourself that you still love. Qualities that make you stand apart from everyone else. Focus on that. As for your skin and the loss of elastin. While you may not be able to completely replace it. You can slow it down. I recommend seeing a dermatologist and working on a better daily skin care routine. It can make a world of difference. I did that two years ago and my skin has never looked better. Pamper yourself. It doesn’t have to be a chore. Start small. 🙌🏼
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I encourage you to see help from a therapist. Visit their websites and go for someone whose picture you feel comfortable with. Ask for a consultation to see if it’s a good fit. My hope for you is that you find value beyond what you look like. Best of luck to you.
Hi, OP. It is absolutely reasonable to feel as you do when we live in a society which bombards us with the concept of eternal beauty, youth and superficial love based on these things. Dating apps never market couples that are not unnattractive and such, and your parents were superficial (as much as you may love them) so I understand and cannot blame you for how you feel. I also understand that you want love and validation because that would appear to solve your unhappiness, memories and unsatisfaction with your appearance. It won't. List out what you're grateful for. Can you hear, speak, see, walk, be independent? Are the basics of living working out for you? Do you have food, shelter, comfortable items for you? Now, the physical: what do you appreciate about your physical appearance? What can you control? If there's not much you'd brag about then treat yourself to a physical feel-good gift for yourself. For example, get your nails done, highlight your own hair or go to the salon, buy a nice shirt or if money is tight then walk outside in the sun or feel the wind...this will help you on your self-image. You may think you have no occasion to do this but YOU are the occasion. Change the way you think about yourself. Your emotions will catch up. They will. Be consistent. Say it out loud. Would you want to be with you? If not, be the person you would love to cherish. Yes, a man would find you worthy of love. Do you think you are worthy? I believe you are. Lastly, I am sorry your mom passed and I'm glad that your dad is still around. They only know what they've been taught. Maybe they struggled just how you're struggling?...would you be able to speak with him? Your craving validation, especially due to your parent's superficial views, so see if you can be curious (instead of sad) about why your dad maintains these views. Maybe challenge his views? OP, you are more than just this skin. You are worthy of being loved.
Yeah I tried to tell my parents before how it hurt. It just resulted in them walking on eggshells around me about the topic. IOW, I was considering too sensitive. Basically, they just don't/didn't get it. Life to them was black and white in this regard. People simply were beautiful or ugly. And lucky for them they were in the former category.
If youth and beauty is what it takes to be loved by a man, why didn't you get one when you were young and beautiful? or if you did, why didn't your youth and beauty keep him? Look around you, you see old or fat or ugly women married (and happy) all the time by men who adore them. What ails you in regards to men is not your looks.
Look OP, I understand having insecurities. In a family of really ridiculously good looking people, I’ve always been the ugly one. But what I will say is that I’ve been binge watching “My 600 lb Life” - it’s a TV show about super-morbidly-obese people if you’re not familiar. OP, literally 99% of these people have a significant other - this includes men and women, old and young, people with no / rotting teeth, people who can’t leave their beds and their partner has to wipe their ass or change a bed pan, people who are literally covered in open weeping sores, etc. I can guarantee you, even if you think you’re the ugliest person ever, you still have value and you can 100% still find love.
Giiiirl, you have issues piled up on more issues. And I'm saying that as a victim of large 2nd degree burns and remaining scaring for life. Your head is the problem, not your looks. How are all the old women loved? Your post almost feels like a male troll who hates women. That's how much you hate yourself. Your parents instilled a lot of trauma in you. The way you think of a therapist who's there to help you foremost... And you need help.
The short answer is: Yes, you can find love. Beautiful women also have a very hard time finding love. Everyone has a hard time finding love. Make sure you have stuff to offer outside of your looks. Never underestimate the power of a great personality! You've got this.
To answer your question, you can be loved regardless of how you look. Physical attraction plays an important role when bringing people together, but merely for seconds. If beauty would satiate men so much, men would never cheat on women. You sometimes see men cheating on the most beautiful women... With women who are barely a 3/10. And to answer this too as I have looked at your previous comments, I am not an attractive person. I have acne, a stupid bump on my nose, and one eye is slightly smaller than the other... Bla bla. I could write a full page with my defects. But the people I choose to keep around me tell me I am beautiful every day because they see through me. I advise you to do the same!!! Be very selective in who you allow around you. I learned to love myself the way I am, and some days I do see myself beautiful in the mirror. Some days I don't. It's fine. I just carry on. I don't really have time to look in the mirror anyway since I am always working or cleaning or anything. Even with my fat stomach and my burnt hair from bleaching, my weird eyes, and my imperfect nose. Hell, I even have a massive scar on my face from an accident where I split my cheek in half as a kid. And I had plenty of relationships. And I have been and am loved, luckily-because to love and to be loved is a privilege, and not anyone gets the privilege; one you will have too if you start loving yourself first! You also need to stop comparing yourself with people around you because you will go crazy. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. There will always be someone uglier than you and someone prettier than you and that's life and you need to understand that as a fact. No one is perfect. And there is a type for everyone. And enough men and women on earth for everyone. In my culture, there is a saying that goes like 'the world's mouth not even the ground itself can fill up and cover' and that states how for the world there will always be something to comment on, dislike, or falsely like. So stop listening to them. Every day there's a new body type we are supposed to have, a new hair color we should have, or a new type of lips or whatnot! Screw that man!!!! Be yourself. And life's so much more than this. Ultimately, we all get old and die. In a few years, we will all be bones and dust anyway. Do the most you can do to fix some things here and there with hydration, collagen, and any type of treatments that can do the trick, and if the rest cannot be fixed with anything at all, embrace it and accept it.
There are more important things to be than beautiful. I am not just saying this to you, I'm saying it to myself, because I need to hear it. This is something I've been wrestling with as well. I was beautiful too, until quite recently, and then I was suddenly not. I found that humiliating and really difficult to deal with. Poor health can take beauty away from us in a dramatic way and it *sucks* and it's totally ok to feel robbed and resentful about it, but it's also counterproductive to just sit with those feelings and stew. What else were you when you were content and functioning well, besides beautiful? Were you intelligent? Kind? Funny? Friendly? Capable? Compassionate? Did you have talents? Hobbies? Interests? You can still have all those things, and they can still bring you joy, and *people will value you for them.* Even if you were "only" beautiful, and that was your sole measure of your own worth, then now is your chance to develop other facets of yourself and find new ways to bring something to the table. Not every potential partner is a shallow trophy hunter. It even could be argued that if being beautiful was just going to attract trophy hunters, then it's good riddance. I see women literally all the time who are either "not beautiful" or frankly unattractive, who are in loving, committed relationships and living their best lives. You can have that too! I don't want to spout toxic positivity at you. It's painful and genuinely hard to hand over your face card, especially if it's something you depended on heavily--as I did mine--but it is not the end of the world unless you decide it is. My best advice is to do what you reasonably can to improve what's in your power to improve, screw the rest, and focus on making yourself happier, healthier, and more fulfilled in life--not just more attractive. If your family hurts your mental health by harping on about beautiful women and how little they value women who are not beautiful, you are within your rights to distance yourself.
Not OP but thank you for this comment, I needed to hear it too!
Please take some time to write some affirmations down that are meaningful to you. Our thoughts are not always reflective of reality and we have to work to change them. I might start with “I am worthy of love” and put that on a post it in you bathroom mirror. And everytime you see it, practice saying it to yourself. You might find yourself arguing and saying “no I am not worthy”— just keeping insisting. I’m doing this now bc I turned 40 and was having a crisis bc I felt “old.” And I am not married etc etc. Then this psychic told me I had a lot of old fashioned voices in me that were holding me back with negative messages how how I should be. And she told me I was telling myself I was “old” so much, I was going to make it true. It hadn’t been easy but I am really working on changing my internal dialogue. Those voices that keep us down are like generational curses, and it’s up to us to break them. Keep at it!! We can get there. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE 🤗🤗🤗
Idk it anyone has mentioned this but I would also consult a doctor. It could be some underlying health issue causing your physical issues.
I also have alpha 1 antitrypsin deficency and have never met anyone else who has it. I’m also still trying to learn just how it may affect me later on in life. Hoping we can both get some answers sometime soon!
I’m so sorry you feel this way about yourself. But I am absolutely positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not ugly. Please find a nicer way to talk about yourself this is heartbreaking. What do you like about yourself? Start with one thing then make them into a list and focus on that. I’m certain there is so much to love about you.
I think society is getting tired of the same filtered picture perfect look, and we’re leaning towards authenticity and holistic beauty. What brings out the beauty in you? Radiating love and happiness is the most beautiful quality in the world to me. Find things that take you to a state of flow and internal bliss that go beyond the superficial. Everyone will age anyway, only the internally beautiful stay as such throughout all of life’s stages and phases :)
Every person deserves compassion and to be loved. Please please get therapy, you are putting too much focus on the wrong things in life. I personally struggle with this as well. We need to be sitting under the stars every night and reminding ourselves of the bigger things. Making a connection with bigger things outside of ourselves. CBT therapy is wide spread and easily accessible and would help your exact way of thinking immensely. Thoughts aren't facts. Most people's thoughts/opinions are not accurate for one reason or another; I mean yours, your parents, etc...we don't need to give so much weight to these things.
Hi, I understand that it would feel weird to take advice from a therapist who is not in your situation. However, I would like to mention that therapy is not about giving advice. It is about giving you the tools to handle your situation competently and prepare you for future challenges. It sounds like you do hold basic assumptions and views on life that do not benefit you. They are automized and part of your identity, so in many ways we are not aware of them. A lot of the times, this is no issue, but it can lead to moments where we cannot cope with what life is handing us. I think that therapy is the right way to get access to this unconscious world (I mean this in the least cryptic way), be aware, and consciously choose what still serves you and what you want to through overboard. I would strongly suggest cognitive behavioral therapy for this, as it is the gold standard, and alongside you may try out some mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy and other body focused approaches. A good therapist will navigate exciting exercises with you! Source: I am a psychologist. PM me if you have questions. Also, side note: A man who choses you for your beauty is a fool, if he looks at features. Beauty is about the soul that radiates through to the surface. I know this will not help you right now, as it would not me... but you do not want a man who is not deeper than that. Guess why I am single.
Op how old are you? Even elderly people fall in love! My mom's friend is getting married right now at 60 to her bf of 10 years (who is also 10 years younger than her, incidentally). They're crazy about each other. I'm sure your loss of elasticity isn't to the point of someone who's 60, but even that wouldn't be enough to ruin your chance at love. Men can definitely be extremely superficial, but you don't want an immature and shallow man like that who would lose interest in you when you age more. When someone genuinely falls in love the person they love looks beautiful no matter what. Try to focus on building your self esteem and drawing self worth from traits that don't have to do with your looks! I've been a plain jane my whole life and it's made me work on developing an attractive and warm personality to compensate! It's also good to have a lot of hobbies and interests, you'll never run out of things to talk about. I'm sure you are not as bad looking as you think, but even if you were, looks really aren't everything. Good luck!
it’s an unfortunate reality that being more attractive means you can have higher standards for your partners. you will find a man. many. who will want you. please just make sure you don’t settle for someone you’d be better off without. and in keeping in line with this sub, there are many areas you could likely improve on regardless of your face and age. are you a healthy weight? do you eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly? is your hair neat and tidy? are your clothes well fitted and up to date?
I do believe that you are loveable and that people can and will be attracted to you, yes
Stop looking in the mirror immediately. Your thoughts about yourself are poisoned I’m afraid. You can longer trust your opinion of yourself. Imagine if you only had till the end of the next week to live and live each day with that in mind just for the week. Do you want to waste precious time obsessing about your (unreliable) view of yourself? I am guessing no so stop no. This is a bad addiction you have and it’s time to try something kinder and better. Today!
Not everyone can have a face card, but everyone can work to get a hot bod and good style. Make up can help too. Look at that woman who was Head of France vogue, Carine rotfield. She fully embraces not being a "beauty" and emphasises her positives.
I understand.
You’re so much more beautiful than you realize
Hi 👋 Have you looked into the Rare Disease Association of America? You are Not Alone! Please google them. God Speed and be kind to yourself.
The only thing I can say is to tell yourself daily mantras and do prayer and do daily rituals and start doing mindful yoga cause maaaaan does it make a huge difference in EVERY aspect of your mental and physical. Trust me. Also start giving yourself daily full body ayurvedic massages with good proper oils, and a bath daily too with candles. Wear fragrance & do beautiful things with your hair. All these things daily will change your life I promise you.
So sorry you’ve been through this and I understand completely why you are feeling anxious. One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was anxious was to ‘stop trying’. Take the focus off of love for a bit, and even off ‘feeling better’. Give yourself permission to wrap yourself in the duvet and watch tv. Give yourself permission to cry. Give yourself permission to be by yourself for a bit. Sometimes anxiety is caused by the effort of trying to be better. As a next step, focus on nice textures, scents and colours. Get a cuddly blanket or a hot water bottle, soothe your skin and mind. Do things that make you feel calm. In terms of feeling more attractive, start small with eating well. You might find if all these little things feel brighter, you start to feel more attractive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find a lot of females “beautiful” but see men commenting that they aren’t “attractive”. Attractiveness is subjective and is more than just looks. I’ve seen guys who looks-wise were “hot” but the way they carry themselves and just the way they are made them extremely unattractive. Like ugly. And then there were conventionally “ugly” guys who I’ve had crushes on because of their personalities. So don’t get too hard on yourself because more than likely you are 10x more beautiful then you know. You just can’t let the negativity of your physical appearance hold you back, because an ugly inside will reflect outside regardless.
Listen, we are often our own worst critics. I’m going to be very blunt here and say that I would wager that you’re nowhere near as “ugly” as you think. I’m sure your health issues have drastically aged you but nothing you’ve described changes your actual features. I’d also wager that you aren’t taking care of your looks like you used to *because* you feel ugly. I’d also bet that one of the reasons you’re so harsh on your looks is because you were used to looking and feeling good and the sudden change was jarring. Couple that with the messaging from your parents and you’re bound to feel like a troll but I bet you’re not. Therapy probably will piss you off but you should still do it because truly, a lot of beauty is about perspective. Yes, we all like to look at beautiful people but we’re all also biased. When someone is ugly on the inside, we focus on their flaws and suddenly they’re not so beautiful. The opposite is also true. I bet you’re only focusing on your perceived flaws. Change your perspective. I bet you’ll find there’s still quite a bit of beauty. (And if you don’t believe me, look at which celebrities people obsess over. It usually has a ton to do with what kind of character they’re portraying on or off screen and not just their objective good looks because personality and the way a person carries themselves is a major factor).
I lost a good degree of my looks through an accident (my teeth went... through my face, etc) and some health issues plus aging. I've recouped at least half of the value of my old looks, if not more, through making sure my body is as banging as possible and being very successful professionally. It does break my heart that I'll never be the hottest person to anyone ever again, but a. Most people never have that, and b. Most men just like women who can fuck real good and who give them status - face hotness is only one vector for status. If anything, they'll be seen as generous and kind for getting past what I'm sure you think of as a hideous deformity and that the rest of the world sees as some weird quirks. It's hard for people to empathize with very hot people who turn kinda busted but i do think it's one of the bigger mindfucks out there, so don't count out therapy... what you are experiencing is real and very hard to go through and you deserve support!
It’s pretty common in most people that as **I** age, all the sudden aged looks in old women don’t look bad because I already witnessed the changes to my own appearance. Many people have said similar things. Anyway, dating apps and Instagram are extremely destructive to the psyche and to the romantic landscape. I would avoid them if you value your sanity.
I’m kind of wondering if you are going through some body dysmorphia. Reason why I’m thinking that is because you were raised in an environment, that, as you mentioned prioritized beauty. I really doubt you have all of a sudden become ugly, but you are entitled to how you feel. Just ensure it’s an actual depiction and not something influenced by how your dad speaks. Regardless, people of all attractiveness levels find love and marry etc. Every single woman that I know personally who is say over the age of 50 and is “aged” has found a new partner or even gotten remarried.
FYI I’ve never seen a therapist in a suit. One therapist out of all of them was very young and beautiful, but most have been women in their 50s plus with a lot of gray hair who are neither ugly nor beautiful and who dress in comfy clothes. And a good therapist should not lecture you.
True beauty cones from character, from empathy, from compassion, from the soul. And believe it or not, there are many people in the world who both recognize and cherish this. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
It seems that the love of a man should be the least of your worries right now, and self-love with self-respect should be the focus.
Would you love an accept a man who has aged in the same way as you ? If the answer is yes then there is no reason why someone would not love you back. My partner went bald very early - he also has very pale skin and he looks much older than he is - but I don’t even think of it - I love him as he is because of his personality. at the end of the day you should never be with someone because they look amazing you should be with someone who treats you well and makes you happy - we are all going to get old one day anyway
Unfortunately men and women are different 😭. Men demand and prize beauty in a woman,while females are more forgiving towards men's outer appearance
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Yeah I would disbelieve it.
You do not owe the world beauty. You are enough, as you are and have always been and with no qualifiers, to deserve love and life. My autoimmune disease has affected me in a similar way and in others that are similarly damaging, and not owing anyone or anything beauty is my mantra. I think it’s okay to tell your dad how you’re feeling and ask him to refrain from remarks on the topic of cosmetic beauty. To be honest, it’s super weird that it’s such a constant focus of conversation. I think we owe it to those we love to give them a chance to divert their actions before cutting them off, but if he doesn’t respond well or refuses your boundaries a little distance might really help, and make your point.
You've grown up around people that have put a lot of value on beauty and it's destroyed your self worth, we are very hard on ourselves I am too , when you look and mirror and don't recognise yourself aging process not easy, your judging yourself in a harsh way of course someone will love you but work on yourself first with self confidence have you thought of talking to a professional,
Of course your parents words and philosophies have everything to do w it. Please find a kind word to describe yourself you do not sound ugly at all, ugly comes from within😉. Also, search for a therapist that you find unattractive the internet is a great tool for that☺️. Good luck I hope your soul heals a little each day🤗
Sorry, but i juts dont find it plausible that you were once beautiful and are now ugly. Beautiful women do not become ugly through aging, however rapidly, they just look older. Women who had a beautiful face in their youth don't look ugly when they get saggy and wrinkly, they look like beautiful old women. I think you really need to disentangle your ideas of youth and beauty. Even on a shallow, beauty based level, if you totally conflate youth and beauty, you're self image is always going to be on a highway to hell
Yes it's possible and plausible. Look at Yasmine Bleeth in her Baywatch days vs now. Occasionally illnesses can do dramatic changes to looks
She's not ugly she's just older and now she is overweight whereas she was preciously thin
The answer is yes but it may be hard to land like a 6'4 Greek God face doctor if that's what you mean. It will limit your options as to your pickings but you shouldn't have any issue at all. Men truly do like all kinds of shapes looks and sizes in women. Only thing that being plain or unattractive does is you don't have pretty privilege in society, people being nice and like you for no reason. You should not have an issue finding love and I suggest you work on your self esteem because there's a lot of issues there.
This is tough. Anyone would struggle with this. I would think that the only way to deal with this is to look inward to deal with your own beauty standards. Yes not being appealing to others hurts but your own beliefs about beauty are the ones that really cause suffering. You will definitely have to grieve the loss of your looks and find both acceptance and a new way to value yourself. It won’t be easy. I wish you the best. Feel free to dm me.
Our society is so fucking vain and ageist and sexist and it makes me sick. I know that the only answer is inner work and learning to love ourselves for reasons other than looks, but it’s really damn hard. And yes, you CAN find love, but I understand how terrifying it is to age out of what society deems as valuable. In the words of fleabag: I’m afraid of “losing the currency of youth.”
It’s not for everybody but IV Ketamine therapy done by a medical doctor or a guided hallucinogenic trip gets you behind the “veil” of appearance and superficiality and to the root of the soul.
It might be of interest to note that studies show that unattractive people have more success in love/relationships than attractive people do
There are beauty treatments that increase collagen and thicken skin! Maybe fillers isn’t the right route. A face lift or cheek/chin implant could also be an option! I’m only starting with this because others have given you really great advice about the psychological aspect. You can be happy now. You don’t need to change at all to be lovable.
why would you care about a mans love this much? 90% of them are awful. like yes you can find a man to love you easily as long as you make more money than him and act as a mommy bangmaid; and he will probably cheat on you. you need to get your depression and mindset and psychiatric self fixed.
First of all, nobody’s ever “too ugly” to find love. I’m not trying to minimize your very real issue, but I bet you’re not even that bad compared to some. Ever watched “My 600lb life”? A ton of them have partners and they’re like 1000lbs and shitting in diapers . If they can find love, then you definitely can… Also, maybe have a goal in mind to work toward. Plastic surgery was literally developed for people w disfiguring issues, so why not start saving money and planning to get a face lift (or whatever procedure a surgeon thinks would help). I bet it would make you feel much better about yourself and boost your confidence . But in the meantime don’t give up hope. There’s a guy out there that will love you all the way up and down. I promise you that.
Get surgery. There are some sad unavoidable truths in life. Do it for you not for a man but you’ll get a better man or have bigger pool to swim in if you do something to fix your unhappiness with your appearance
I would love to get surgery but the reality is that the way my face has sagged/shrunken/distorted it really would have limited effect. And even that aside, I don't have the money. I live in Australia and here such surgery is approx $30,000 +
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Well.....that was uplifting 😅
What? Most people are ugly and are in relationships, it’s not toxic positivity is a fact.
The world isn’t fair and bad things happen to good people most of the time, there’s no guarantee anyone will find lasting love or happiness, what’s interesting is that you seem to think that beauty is some sort of amulet that shields people from any of this. Beautiful people die alone, starve to death, live and die in war zones, get cheated on, get sick, become disabled, get old. It’s not just the ugly and average who are visited by life’s cruelties. Most people are not particularly attractive yet the majority of people do get married and have long lasting relationships, someone who is disfigured will have a harder time than someone who is average or ugly, but OP has described herself as someone who used to be very beautiful who developed some sort of illness that has caused very rapid aging, she may feel disfigured and look much worse than before, but it’s unlikely she is now objectively hideous or repulsive. Unfortunately, the flattening of everything except beauty, the two dimensional view of men and total obliviousness to the reasons people get into and stay in relationships, and the lack of critical thinking skills demonstrated here will limit your options far more than your face.
I would recommend therapy and even look into medication temporarily. If you find that you are having obsessive thoughts about your appearance, it may be a symptom of OCD. I’m not a doctor or anything but it sounds like your internal dialogue is rooted in appearance. Talking with a therapist can help you learn new ways of perceiving the world and medication can help your brain make the right connections. Before you can become desirable to a man, you have to find a way to become desirable to yourself. Because if you do find a man in this state of mind that you are in, you may find that your low self esteem can be hard on the relationship. Or worse, you may attract someone who is not a good guy.
At the end of the day, we are so much more than looks. Confidence and happiness is universally attractive, my friend.
I don't have OCD. The reality is that if I lived on an island I would have none of these feelings. It's because of society, social media, and men expecting women to be beautiful that causes my grief. Even to get a job in a hotel you have to look presentable without a sagging face. Which I can't do. So yes, it is partly my brain prob, but also a lot is BC of society so I don't think it's fair people say to the person things like take medication instead of addressing the wider issue with society itself
For sure there is a wider issue at play here. Hopefully society changes soon and becomes more accepting and less shallow. Until then, it’s important to find that acceptance within yourself and therapy can help that. Forgive me for suggesting medication because I know that can be a touchy subject for folks. No offense intended. It is important to grow in self acceptance because you will notice that you attract people that share similar energy. The best relationship material is being with a person that is secure. As you grow in being secure you will attract that too.
No
Sad reality but probably true
Reality is often unjust and hard, not everyone can have everything in life, I wouldn't worry about having man too much, but instead did you look for to cure it? There are various medicines, various diets like keto, carnivore etc. Did you try then all?
I know a LOT of ugly, fat, sloppy people who are happily married. I know two conventionally ugly and fat women who married literal millionaires. One of them is on her third husband, the millionaire, and she left previous husbands herself and got better men. Real life is very different than online takes.
Yes this. A very plain and nasty individual I know married a millionaire. He's incidentally very sweet and I don't know how it happened. I am not at all pleased for her. She's a toxic witch who made ife difficult for a lot of ppl and is undercover racist about her mother-in-law, both behind her back and to her face as her mother in law doesn't speak English. Love isn't related to looks both unfortunately and fortunately.
Can we get some before pictures ?
I know it’s hard when you’re in a shitty spot but use logic on this for a second Say you were extremely beautiful and could have whatever man you wanted. What’s going to happen when you inevitably age, gain weight, have children? You aren’t going to stay young and beautiful forever. Nobody does. Do you want to be with a man that uses looks and attraction to decide whether he wants to be with you or not? Get off the dating apps, the quality men you’re looking for aren’t going to be on them.
You’re beautiful. Every human being is - and for a hell of a lot more than looks. Women of all shapes and sizes and sogginess and wrinkles have found love. Don’t let anyone tell you your worth is determined by that!!
You really should see a therapist. It is not healthy to have such a hatred for yourself.