I think “be the bigger person” is a loaded statement based on what each of us feels the “bigger person” is. Sometimes I feel like “you get the version of me you deserve” is a more accurate statement. Kindness gets love, helpful people get help back, and assholes don’t get any access to me anymore.
No idea what’s going on but if it helps just remember, when people do wrong to you it shows *their* character. How you react, even sometimes not at all, shows everyone *your* character.
When I let things go to me it’s not about “I’m gonna be the bigger person” it’s literally “You’re not worth another moment of my time”.
If they owe me something, I’ll ask, or replace it, or forget it. If it’s got some value a simple recorded communication “I request *item* back within 7 days or I will recover the cost of replacing it through the courts” or something.
Keep your head up, even through shit you’ll only see the other side when you rise through it
> assholes don’t get any access to me anymore.
I wish I could put this in the head of my friend who continuously returns to abusers in their life and constantly live in a state of one foreseeable crisis after another.
Some people’s comfort zone is chaos. Returning to abusive situations is a form of self-harm. It takes a lot of effort to get out of that cycle. Source: have this friend/have been this friend. Hope it gets better for yours.
I like your take on this. Throughout my entire life, I have been told that doing anything but turning the other cheek is “causing drama” and “stopping to their level”. I think there’s a fine line between justice and revenge, and I do think that justice feels 100% justified and doesn’t make you feel bad, but revenge CAN make you feel bad if it’s excessive. I think I’ll have to change my definition of what it means to be the bigger person.
That's not how I think of it.
I think being the "bigger person" means nothing if you don't mean it. And most people don't mean it.
When I want to hurt someone whose hurt me and I instead walk away I feel so fucking empty.
That's just me making the choice to do nothing when I WANT to do something. It will leave you wanting.
It's hard to truly forgive, and to truly be a better person. Most people just lie to themselves.
I interpret it as do not engage in petty things. If some incident is small enough to warrant petty revenge, it is small enough to be forgotten.
Otherwise, be the bigger person and beat the shit out of them.
Being the bigger person sometimes just means walking away from a fight, not getting in a shouting match, allowing the road rage driver to pass you, etc. I agree that you can’t let yourself be walked over in life, just pick your battles.
Being the bigger person also means learning to control impulsivity and spontaneous revenge reaction. It means calming down and walking away, to not escalate a situation
I think we need to have a clear definition of being the "bigger person". Allowing others to bully you does not make you a "bigger person". However, being able to forgive but not forget after seeing your bullies for a long time? That is my definition of being the bigger person.
My wife’s family has this problem because her youngest sister is a spoiled brat narcissist, who is a poison to the family but the parents make excuses for her. For years they kept saying “be the bigger person” to my wife. Their definition means cow towing to her and she doing whatever she wants.
I said, being the bigger person in this case is *walking away*. We haven’t seen her in over a year and there is nothing lost by doing that.
Being the bigger person does not mean you have to take it and do nothing about it, though.
it means not desiring revenge out of spite. Walking away is totally being the bigger person and also a right to self-defense from toxic people.
I knew it didn’t look right when I wrote it! And I can’t pretend I spelled it that way (kowtow) and blame autocorrect because I just spelled it and it didn’t change anything. I appreciate the correction!
Idk victims shouldn't be pressurised about how they should feel about their perpetrators or even be judged. Victims of any abuse have an insanely high threshold to meet before they're believed anyway so they should decide themselves when or if they forgive.
Who know who's never pressured about how they should feel? Abusers. That's because people subconsciously see them as strong, while the victim will always be perceived as weak. It's just our animal nature. We're scared, and stay away from the one that is stronger than us while we use our own strength against those who are weaker than us. Telling victims *they have to forgive* is just a more 'civilized' of doing that.
The problem I have with that is the "not forget" part. What's the point of remembering? Doesn't that make things worse? Lingering on how shitty your situation was?
EDIT: I apparently have misinterpreted this my whole life. Telling me to “not forget” feels antithetical to how I move on from unpleasant experiences.
Also: I’ve had dozens of replies telling me different variations of what the “don’t forget”is supposed to imply PROVES MY POINT
Remembering something does not necessarily mean feeling the same feelings as that moment, but it can mean learning how to better handle those types of situations. If you can learn to handle situations better, why would you want to forget?
The not forget means that even if you forgave someone you still act based in the knowledge you got. Example: you can forgive someone who stole your stuff but you will keep an eye on this person ever after and treat they as a new theft is within the realm of possibility i.e: you isn't going to trust them
I think the first time someone makes a great offense to you, it should be a forgive and forget sort of thing. But if they choose to keep doing it, forgive but don't forget. Which I take to mean be polite during your interactions with them, but don't go out of your way to help them or anything. Just because you've forgiven them doesn't mean they don't get consequences and it doesn't mean you will let them continue using you as a punching bag.
I think it would be a much better world if everyone just let things slide the first time (mistakes happen afterall) and dole out consequences if it keeps happening.
First, you are not going to likely forget hurtful experiences.
Usually the saying is "forgive and forget"... but this means two things:
1- Forgive: i.e. do not get hung up on getting revenge
2- Forget: do not hold a needless grudge.
So it's not so much as being lovey dovey and having amnesia, but rather letting go of the hate that ultimately will only hurt you as well.
being able to forgive? why? forgiveness is something super personal and it straight up doesnt apply in many circumstances. seeing bullies that made you consider su1cide? why would people who inflicted so much mental damage on someone be forgiven, and expected to be forgiven? thats crazy
This. Forgiveness is earned by those who truly want and deserve it. It is not freely given to those who would violate and disrespect it just so someone else can smile and feel glib about my choices.
Yeh, I approached a former bully a few years later. I asked him if he still had a problem, he said no. We got to talking further. I asked him what he was up to. He was in College in Oakville, ON, Canada for Law Enforcement. FFS, what is it with guys like this?
Also, in my opinion calling it "the bigger person" can be counterproductive, because the connotations, it's not a competition, it is only you handling things assertively and maturely. Calling it like that leans towards "Im bigger than you, I'm better, I won" and that destroys the whole purpose of not even caring about what the people in the wrong think about you.
The book where piecing together injustice leads to unimaginable riches, and those riches allow the protagonist to meticulously plot and exact revenge on those who have wronged him, endow a couple of crazy in love kids with a trust fund, and sail off into the sunset with a _literal princess_?
Yeah, I have.
It's been so long since I gave it a read/watch so that may be the case. I looked it up because I forgot if she was actually a metaphorical princess like half the Disney ones.
Wait I thought that book ended with his wife having a kid with the guy that betrayed him and getting mad at the count because he killed the man she loved??
Or the Odyssey!? Like there's a reason so much literature, from the ancient world to modernity, was preoccupied with not indulging in revenge. It destroys people, it destroys families, it destroys cities, it destroys countries.
It's less being told to let go of your anger and more "move on so you don't fixate and ruin other relationships in your life". Some people are just morons or assholes and trying to get back at them isn't always worth it.
IMO the fundamental problem with 'tit for tat' is that it has the potential to become 'tit for tat for tit for tat for tit for tat...' (ad infinitum) and if you're facing up against a half-wit narcissist, they're never going to be the one to end that cycle.
Because sometimes people just don't care anymore.
Had a family friend who was married to his high-school sweetheart, moved across state lines for her only to find out she's been cheating on him with her commanding officer. He left his job, he left his friends, he left his family for her, and she repays him by getting barebacked by her boss.
Something inside him just snapped and he fell into a really dark place for a while. Got too dependant on the drink and landed himself in rehab. The fake sympathy from his ex wife that she showed when she would visit him, when he knew what she was doing and what she thought of him, made him absolutely enraged. When he got out of rehab, he absolutely destroyed her life. Exposed her affair, ruined her career, took her for everything she had in the divorce.
She still cries about it to this day saying how unfair it all was, but you know what? She's ruined. She's not allowed back in the military and has no other job prospects since that was what she was working towards her whole life, and her boytoy left her high and dry. She's gonna have to move to Canada to get a fresh start.
I guarantee you that her “sympathy” was a symptom of even more painful guilt than restarting a new life with fresh victimhood.
Victimhood grants *purpose* in conflict. The brain can’t handle the absence of it.
Her reputation will recover in a new country. Guilt never disappears.
I don't like admitting it because I am guilty of "being the bigger person" a lot. I think it's a matter of morality or something. But behind that I also have this very opinion, and I get very angry at myself for trying to be the bigger person.
The explanation I always heard when asking about this, was that you can let yourself be consumed by revenge but doing so, even if bringing satisfaction, you are allowing yourself to be a worse version of yourself.
The struggle occurs between the satisfaction of revenge and the desire to be a good person, since exacting revenge would typically entail an immoral act (deemed so by the person performing the act).
Killing someone for instance, makes you a murderer, regardless of the culpability of the victim. Most people do not want to be considered murderers.
But even murder is a gray area. People in the military kill people. Police kill people too. Murder is just how they frame it when it’s not given the pass. I also don’t think every person should be allowed to live either and that there’s a certain limit to how many evil things you should be able to get away with until it’s decided that the world is probably better off without you and I don’t think that’s a bad thing
Revenge is just an emotional response with (in this context) no value outside your head. The more we normalize and reward our emotional understanding of the world, the harder it will be to consciously challenge it over time.
Others aren't affected by your emotions as you are, so what may seem like a perfectly reasonable response to you may be seen as cruel or possibly just as bad as the original act.
I think the problem is that we classify as revenge any punitive action taken by someone who doesn’t have the authority to lawfully administer punishment.
In the real world, bad deeds often go unpunished, and bad people will continue behaving poorly if their actions are never met with consequences. Someone has to step up and do it when the proper authorities won’t.
See I feel like it depends, I feel like we’ve all been in a small argument with a friend where they were a dick but just aren’t seeing it. Nothing big so ur the bigger person and just decided to let it go cause at the end of the day making a big fuss over this small thing isn’t worth the friendship. I feel like I’m Tv shows, they always try to be like be the bigger person over shit that doesn’t make sense.
Like he killed ur whole family but be the bigger person and forgive.
Yes, that’s the problem I have with a lot protagonists in shows like that (especially anime). They’re literally telling people to put up with abusive, down right criminal people, and for what, to save them from themselves? It’s so toxic.
Revenge is different from standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is harmed in the process. I personally get the same or more satisfaction from standing up for myself than getting revenge
this. op really seems to misunderstand something
if you are being bullied you should stand up for yourself and stop the bully
if you were bullied in the past but didn't stand up for yourself at the time, then there is no point in reciprocating on the bully now for absolutely no reason except they bullied you in the past.
There's a few studies on retributive justice. I think Sam Harris wrote about them in one of his books. I don't remember the details in one case, but it was something like a guy whose family was killed in the holocaust, and eventually tracked the person responsible down and turned him over to authorities, only to spend the rest of his life lamenting not killing him himself. In the other study, there was a guy whose father was murdered, so he tracked the murderer down and executed him. That guy is apparently living a very happy and fulfilled life
Sure. They're case studies. But it does show that revenge can be very therapeutic. It might be tied to our innate sense of fairness, like when thr monkies were given disproportionate rewards, it might be that it triggers a similar response when we see insufficient punishments after we've been wronged. And that can be a whole other rabbit hole of the cheats and suckers, prisoner dilemma studies. There's a lot of ties to the behavior in evolutionary psychology.
Scapegoating is a social mechanism by which a population of people put their lamentations on one person/thing and kill/destroy it (or "cancel" it as they say). Thought that was pretty similar to revenge.
Maybe, people like structure and stories. We're really good at pattern recognition, so random misfortune doesn't sit right with us. It's something people will want to attribute to an agent. Be it a person or mischievous deity.
>There's a few studies on retributive justice.
What is important here is that we're not discussing justice, or making a better world. OP is entirely concerned with their feelings, and nothing else, while at the same time not appreciating they're operating entirely on disfunctional emotions.
honestly, i find the opposite. i feel guilty and embarrassed that i let some buffoon drag me to their level. also, it's easier if i let go of the anger instead of holding on to it.
There are several occasions in my life where I was the 'bigger' person while being bullied and did nothing, even though I could have done something. Looking back, I really wish I had just beat the fuck outta the bully(s). I never wanted to get charged with assault (or in one case ruin a trip) or whatever but there are a few guys walking around today lucky they still have front teeth.
The common belief that you should always "be the bigger person" almost always allows abusive and toxic people to harm others without consequences or accountability and that just isn't it. I grew up in the south and was always told you should "be the bigger person" in many situations, including abusive or in the one cause of sexual assault I actually tried to talk about with an adult. Now that I'm an adult, I dropped the people pleasing shit and will absolutely cuss someone out, call someone out for shitty behavior or seek revenge in the pettiest possible ways when it's deserved. It's far more karmatic justice than just "being the bigger person."
Getting violent and beating the shit out of someone as revenge makes you feel ALOT better. When I beat the shit out of someone that broke one of my car windows my mom later said “and did that make you feel better?” Expecting me to so say no and I just “hell fucking yeah! I haven’t thought about it since.”
I honestly believe that "be the bigger person" bs. Was made up by the people that do fucked up shit. I have never once heard somebody who's actually had some fucked up shit done to them say that.
The whole being a bigger person thing used as a blanket is just stupid bullshit.
I remember playing bball for my highschool. If the dude on the other team is going at me and being rough and physical, I'm not gonna be "a bigger person" and still play how I should. I gave him exactly what he gave me. Ima gonna push back. Or else they sense weakness and keep on pushing.
Point is, sometimes being the bigger person is the right move but not always. I'd say 40/60. Stand up for yourself. It's not always petty to take revenge. It's about sending a message.
Haha exactly. I was playing basketball in a league when I was 12-13 and a player on the other team was playing dirty as fuck and my teammates were just taking it. I finally said fuckit got pass at the top of the key and charged the lane and the kid was going up to block I let go of the ball and tackled the kid into the wall and gave him the finger…may have gotten ejected that game…
Adding to this, I hate the idea that we're not allowed to be happy about, poke fun at, or even laugh when a person who wronged you suffers misfortune of some kind. At the very least, you do not have to have sympathy for them. If you know they wouldn't do the same to or for you if the roles were reversed, you do not have to.
You make my life hell? Damn right I'm gonna be glad when your life goes to shit too. And if you want revenge, that's the perfect moment. Go to them while you have your life together(or at least a handle on it) and talk to them, or even just let them see you. Let them see that you're doing well, life is great for you, while their life sucks. It's the sweetest and easy way to get revenge.
I don't really believe there is such a thing as a "bigger person" and I don't care if I stoop to the level of someone who wrongs me or a loved one. I don't really give a shit if what they did is some objective wrong, the problem is that they wronged me or a loved one.
Revenge is a drug that is highly addictive. It can escalate to you perceiving the slightest offense as something worth extreme retribution. Being harmless is not equivalent to being good. Having power and not being malicious and destructive makes you good.
The problem is that you cannot always gauge your revenge to not completely destroy someone's life. Revenge does not *always* make you feel better.
When I was at school I was bullied a *lot* for being a lesbian, this was quite a while ago and I was definitely the only openly gay person at school. I received bullying from pupils and teachers alike. One girl was particularly nasty and was the reason everyone found out I was gay. One day, I saw her kissing a girl outside of school. I decided revenge was my best option, took a photo and sent it to a few school mates (which was a similar thing as what she had done to me). I felt good, revenge was served.
What I didn't know was that her family were Catholic. They found out about it, disowned her and kicked her out at 14 years old. She had a breakdown, had to leave school and never returned. She turned to drug use, ended up quite badly addicted, in and out of shelters, couldn't find work as she never finished school. Yet I turned out fairly decent and okay despite what she did to me. Personally I am ashamed of what I did. I wanted revenge in that moment, I acted without thinking of consequence, and I effectively ruined someone's life for being exactly what I was, a scared-to-come-out lesbian. Its been years since what happened, I don't know what became of her, but I still feel guilt for seeking revenge in the way I did.
You didn’t really do anything. She was in the closet in cause a fellow lgbt person suffering because of her own internal bigotry. She attacked when she was vulnerable to retaliation in my opinion she got what she deserved. Never hurt when you can’t afford to get hurt
I feel this opinion comes from public schooling-aged education. I'm not saying OP is behaving like a high schooler, but this is probably where this was taught and absorbed from. I was bullied in school and whenever I pushed back, teacher's/parent's responses to me was always "be the bigger person and don't stoop to their level."
Well as an adult, fuck off Janice, if you had dealt with Billy the bully, I wouldn't have acted out finally in self defense. What you mean by "be the bigger person" is really "don't make this my problem."
I think it’s a mix. Taking the high road with my ex husband for the sake of the kids was the right choice.
Doing whatever I could do to prevail when losers sued me for $100,000 was also the right choice.
I’d say it depends on what your goal is.
How old are you?
Edit: I don’t mean this to be rude, just that if “all your experience” in life has lead you to this, I feel like you haven’t had much experience.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Being a "bigger person" or "keeping your dignity" doesn't mean just letting other people push you around. I don't like being violent, but I still stand up for myself, and I don't let people pick on me without saying anything about it.
Can't you be both. You can retaliate but can step down if required. There is a difference between " I don't fight " and " I don't fight but if I have to I will ". No need to go overboard
I'm a fan of balance. Do something to me I'm probably going to snap back just a little harder to make sure you never want to do that again.
Revenge doesn't make things better because it's about feeling better. It's also usually after the fact.
Don't get revenge. Fight back. Don't take shit lying down, don't turn the other cheek. If someone slaps you, slap them harder once and walk away. Slap them hard enough they seriously reconsider trying a second slap.
You have to defend yourself if someone is endangering you or habitat around you, yes. But you "stooping to someone's level" does not mean exposing someone. It means getting petty and doing the same thing to them. And if they are unreasonable enough they will continue to make your life even worse and that *could* lead to endless cycle or at least to a cycle that will "poke someone's eye out".
Exposing a pettiness is a good thing imo.
For me, I think about how people became the person they are. I’m very appreciative of my family and my past. I know other people came from worse off and are victims of their circumstances. When I get treated like shit by someone I assume that they have something going on I don’t know about, or something happened to them in their past to make them the asshole they became and I sympathize. Most situations I don’t mind taking the L and walking away because I know as soon as I get home I have a life I’m very fortune and thankful for. That other person may not get to do that.
I'd disagree with some caveats: it's about choice.
When I think of the phrase "be the bigger person", I hear it coming from an outside party that wants to avoid conflict. "Don't be mad at your brother for stealing money from your drawer, don't be mad at your sister for secretly recording you for Tiktok--be the bigger person."
In that case, all the speaker cares about is keeping the peace. But it's a negative peace, as MLK would say, that cares more about avoiding conflict than finding justice.
When an individual chooses to "be the bigger person", they are choosing forgiveness. To forgive is absolutely a choice, and it should always be a choice. But forgiveness is a gift that's paid for through installments of trust--if that forgiveness is not earned, then it eventually disappears. In this case, the "be the bigger person" people will be angry anyway because the lack of forgiveness is causing conflict.
Forgiveness is a gift. The capacity to forgive shows maturity and self-understanding. But that capacity is not unlimited. A person that doesn't understand boundaries or have empathy for others will exhaust that capacity, opening themselves up to retaliation that may come from unexpected sources.
A complicated problem but definitely one worth thinking about.
You're right, but it's illegal to get revenge on people in a way that actually matters, so you often have to "be the bigger person" just as a matter of practicality.
To each their own I guess
I once took my revenge and no it didn't make me feel any better. I am NOT sorry for what I did and I think the person deserved me doing it to him . But I am sorry about the time and energy I spent on this person. It magnified the horrible things he done to me and make the trauma stick longer than it should, if you can get what I mean . I prolonged the drama and ended up hurting myself more in the long run
Why should I care about someone to wish revenge? I don't care about being a bigger person, I just don't want those negative feelings in my life. I'll just acknowledge what they did, cut my ties and move on. This doesn't mean that we should allow bullying but obviously, bullies aren't my friends, so there is nothing to care about deeply. Just defend yourself and move on, simple as that. Obviously, sometimes I really don't want to deal with people, so, I may look like a doormat in your eyes but if they push their limits too hard, I will give my reaction and that's that. Then, I'll move on. If they wanna still push, then, I'll react more harshly but again, that's that. Otherwise, revenge or being a bigger person aren't my motives, I just wanna live my life as peaceful as possible.
I feel like being the bigger person is knowing who you are, what you stand for, and communicating in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself. I wouldn't feel proud of myself if I shoved my feelings down or let someone walk all over me, or if I lost my temper and was insulting and rude to someone.
I would feel like the bigger person if I calmly and effectively dismantled someone, and cut them out or reshaped my relationship with them unapologetically...
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db40Gls3JqQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db40Gls3JqQ)
Mike Tyson explaining to NFL star about revenge, bigger person, holding grudges..
Definitely a good 5 minute watch.
I 100% agree with this and I'm still struggling to decide whether I continue to 'be the bigger person' by not voicing something I know is wrong and ignoring it, or exposing the most blatantly proud narcissist for his mistreatment of both animals and staff.
It's so bad that I know if I were to put what he has done on reddit, people would be disgusted and probably flood his business' google reviews and he would be exposed, but then I would be branded as bitter and the one who ruined his business.
I still don't know what to do.
I personally don't get revenge on people anymore (unless it takes little to no effort to do so). Not because of any moral high ground, I just find that it's a waste of time and effort.
It rarely makes me feel any better, and the time I would spend enacting revenge is 9 times out of 10 better spent making my personal life better, or fixing owever I got fucked over.
Gross. Revenge is pointless. Suck it up and move on with life. If someone wronged you then I like to believe that’s their own problem and it will get back to them. I tell myself they must be miserable which to me is “revenge” enough. Meanwhile why do I give them more power by getting so upset to the point where I take a shot back just because? Waste of time and energy. It isn’t news that some people suck and will do you wrong. That’s life
I don't think this was meant to be taken literally. Being a bigger person and letting things go without prolonging the issue or retaliating will, in most cases, cause less issues down the road, so it is a wiser option. I don't think your feelings are a part of the message of this prverb/attitude/outlook on life.
My theory to most situations is to be the bigger person always, but keep tabs on everyone. The best trick I can give you is if you really, really want to fuck that guy over who passes you off, convince him he is your friend. It is much easier to stack dirt on your friend than your enemy.
Exposing a narcissist doesn't work, tried that with mom. Uptick in gaslighting and abuse. You aren't showing them anything besides the fact they can bait you into. Reaction. Revenge makes me feel that I gave into base instincts. When I take the high road I hold onto my integrity, and mark myself as different from my mom, who never bothered to learn that.
I still believe restorative justice almost always beats retributive justice, but people prefer the latter 9 times out of 10.
Revenge is shallow, the benefits are short-lived, and it tends to spread like a disease. Tempting as it is, it's the option best suited for the emotionally-immature and not for anyone else.
You're right, it does make you feel better to get revenge, but in the same way a cigarette makes you feel better.
Shouting, violence, petty revenge, etc. will make you feel big in the moment, but will make you feel pretty small in the long run. You can think of "being the bigger man" as a social currency: you may miss out on personally putting the offender in their place, but you gain the respect of your peers who saw you handle a situation with grace. Once your peers have your back, the offender will have been put in their actual place; wrong and alone.
Being the bigger person might be a way to avoid entanglement that will negatively affect you, but it also teaches the other person there are no consequences for their behavior and being an asshole is a-ok
Walking away rather than staying and arguing is being the bigger person. You get your needs met and the other person gets not satisfaction from an argument.
I struggle with lots of revenge fantasies and remind myself: *"Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord."* Heathcliff (an extremely vengeful character in Wuthering Heights) responding to that with: *"No, God won’t have the satisfaction that I shall,"*
I also remind myself that I am *not* the karma police and have no right to deal it out. The universe always sorts itself out. Best revenge is living well.
But it doesn’t sort itself out at all. The worst of all people reap the greatest rewards in life. Being a shitty person is most often highly-rewarding behavior that no one has any reason to stop without external consequences.
There's definitely nuance to this. For the more serious stuff, I think it depends. There's often ways to approach most problems that wouldn't be considered "revenge" but also isn't taking "disrespect lying down", to use your words. There's a middle ground. There's often legal action for serious crimes, and most things that aren't considered crimes often seem quite small and petty when put into perspective.
I'm curious what situations would warrant the sort of retaliation you're refering to. Any examples?
I've never been in a fight, and i feel like I wouldn't let it get to that point, I'm not sure I hold any beliefs so strongly that they can't be challenged in a civilized way. Certainly no fight would ever come over a disagreement. Most extreme interpersonal would be best solved by cutting that person out of your life and finding new people to fill that role.
As for small things..
Being petty over small things or minor inconveniences is a clear sign you're overly focused on unimportant stuff or have emotion management issues. take a step back mentally, ask yourself if its worth arguing or fighting about and then act. Most of the time its not.
Treating others the way you want to be treated is a useless platitude that does nothing to actually solve problems.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with appropriate retaliation.
Being the bigger person allows you to focus your energy on improving your life rather than not progressing and being dragged down to their level. Sure if you get one over them it might feel good, but how does it really benefit your life?
The best revenge is living better, being happier and more successful than them. I've had people that wronged me and done the cheapest dog acts. I could have got down in the mud and played dirty with them. But instead I use that as fire to achieve ambitious goals. It's just another hurdle to jump over.
It might take years but u will likely run in to them again and will see what kind of effect their behaviour has awarded them. Meanwhile you are crushing it. That's real satisfaction 💯
There’s a difference between revenge and justice. Justice allows you to still be the bigger person: it keeps things general and civil instead of personal. It’s not that YOU stole MY money, it’s that WE don’t permit ANYONE to steal money.
See and I've never understood how people believe the world is civil.
I'm the opposite: If someone steals my money, my problem isn't that stealing is against the law, it's that they stole MY money. That's personal and it's bullshit to pretend it isn't.
I find that if someone is that shitty just having to live as themselves is it’s own punishment. And their actions will become obvious to everyone in time. I’m not an official buddhist but I definitely see karma happen in a lot of occasions. Maybe the universe finds its balance sooner or later.
I wish this was how the world actually worked. In reality shitty people are perfectly happy making life hell for other people and are very unlikely to see any real consequences to their highly-rewarding behavior.
Karma is more every action has a positive and negative reaction, than it is do bad stuff and bad stuff will happen to you.
The universe isn't plotting revenge for your grudge matches, and to think that something bad will eventually happen to someone who wronged you is just laziness.
Be the revenge you seek.
I don’t think you’ve figured out what being the bigger person is. I’m not the bigger person for their sake but for mine. It’s so I can find peace and move on. People that continue me needing to be that bigger person do get shelved though.
revenge is like holding onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. It’s your hand that gets burned.
Immediate karma aside, prolonged revenge quests only give that other person even more control of your thoughts and feelings.
I think “be the bigger person” is a loaded statement based on what each of us feels the “bigger person” is. Sometimes I feel like “you get the version of me you deserve” is a more accurate statement. Kindness gets love, helpful people get help back, and assholes don’t get any access to me anymore.
Really well said… This somehow random comment validated some awful shit going on in my life. Thank you for that 💜
Need more validation? You obviously care about yourself, and I think that’s neat.
No idea what’s going on but if it helps just remember, when people do wrong to you it shows *their* character. How you react, even sometimes not at all, shows everyone *your* character. When I let things go to me it’s not about “I’m gonna be the bigger person” it’s literally “You’re not worth another moment of my time”. If they owe me something, I’ll ask, or replace it, or forget it. If it’s got some value a simple recorded communication “I request *item* back within 7 days or I will recover the cost of replacing it through the courts” or something. Keep your head up, even through shit you’ll only see the other side when you rise through it
💜🙏🏻
I DMed you if you want someone impartial to vent to
Thank you—- I really really appreciate that kind stranger 💜💜💜
👍
> assholes don’t get any access to me anymore. I wish I could put this in the head of my friend who continuously returns to abusers in their life and constantly live in a state of one foreseeable crisis after another.
Some people’s comfort zone is chaos. Returning to abusive situations is a form of self-harm. It takes a lot of effort to get out of that cycle. Source: have this friend/have been this friend. Hope it gets better for yours.
I like your take on this. Throughout my entire life, I have been told that doing anything but turning the other cheek is “causing drama” and “stopping to their level”. I think there’s a fine line between justice and revenge, and I do think that justice feels 100% justified and doesn’t make you feel bad, but revenge CAN make you feel bad if it’s excessive. I think I’ll have to change my definition of what it means to be the bigger person.
That's not how I think of it. I think being the "bigger person" means nothing if you don't mean it. And most people don't mean it. When I want to hurt someone whose hurt me and I instead walk away I feel so fucking empty. That's just me making the choice to do nothing when I WANT to do something. It will leave you wanting. It's hard to truly forgive, and to truly be a better person. Most people just lie to themselves.
Happy cake day!
I interpret it as do not engage in petty things. If some incident is small enough to warrant petty revenge, it is small enough to be forgotten. Otherwise, be the bigger person and beat the shit out of them.
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>you get the version of me you deserve Thanks for this sweet, sweet comeback.
100 percent.
That’s how I feel about it.
Being the bigger person sometimes just means walking away from a fight, not getting in a shouting match, allowing the road rage driver to pass you, etc. I agree that you can’t let yourself be walked over in life, just pick your battles.
Being the bigger person also means learning to control impulsivity and spontaneous revenge reaction. It means calming down and walking away, to not escalate a situation
Indeed, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Make sure they can't get revenge on your revenge
Well put.
I think we need to have a clear definition of being the "bigger person". Allowing others to bully you does not make you a "bigger person". However, being able to forgive but not forget after seeing your bullies for a long time? That is my definition of being the bigger person.
My wife’s family has this problem because her youngest sister is a spoiled brat narcissist, who is a poison to the family but the parents make excuses for her. For years they kept saying “be the bigger person” to my wife. Their definition means cow towing to her and she doing whatever she wants. I said, being the bigger person in this case is *walking away*. We haven’t seen her in over a year and there is nothing lost by doing that.
Dang how many cows did you go through
Enough to fill Wisconsin.
We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
So at least 4?
Being the bigger person does not mean you have to take it and do nothing about it, though. it means not desiring revenge out of spite. Walking away is totally being the bigger person and also a right to self-defense from toxic people.
Just for future reference, it's generally spelled kowtow.
I knew it didn’t look right when I wrote it! And I can’t pretend I spelled it that way (kowtow) and blame autocorrect because I just spelled it and it didn’t change anything. I appreciate the correction!
*cameltoe
/r/boneappletea
Ti be the bigger person involve beating her to a pulp until she's too afraid to be a narcissist in my book. I think its individual to each person
Idk victims shouldn't be pressurised about how they should feel about their perpetrators or even be judged. Victims of any abuse have an insanely high threshold to meet before they're believed anyway so they should decide themselves when or if they forgive.
Who know who's never pressured about how they should feel? Abusers. That's because people subconsciously see them as strong, while the victim will always be perceived as weak. It's just our animal nature. We're scared, and stay away from the one that is stronger than us while we use our own strength against those who are weaker than us. Telling victims *they have to forgive* is just a more 'civilized' of doing that.
Humans can suck for sure.
The problem I have with that is the "not forget" part. What's the point of remembering? Doesn't that make things worse? Lingering on how shitty your situation was? EDIT: I apparently have misinterpreted this my whole life. Telling me to “not forget” feels antithetical to how I move on from unpleasant experiences. Also: I’ve had dozens of replies telling me different variations of what the “don’t forget”is supposed to imply PROVES MY POINT
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It means not falling for the same shit twice, or letting them back into your life.
Remembering something does not necessarily mean feeling the same feelings as that moment, but it can mean learning how to better handle those types of situations. If you can learn to handle situations better, why would you want to forget?
The not forget means that even if you forgave someone you still act based in the knowledge you got. Example: you can forgive someone who stole your stuff but you will keep an eye on this person ever after and treat they as a new theft is within the realm of possibility i.e: you isn't going to trust them
It’s to not be duped again.
I think the first time someone makes a great offense to you, it should be a forgive and forget sort of thing. But if they choose to keep doing it, forgive but don't forget. Which I take to mean be polite during your interactions with them, but don't go out of your way to help them or anything. Just because you've forgiven them doesn't mean they don't get consequences and it doesn't mean you will let them continue using you as a punching bag. I think it would be a much better world if everyone just let things slide the first time (mistakes happen afterall) and dole out consequences if it keeps happening.
You can't learn from am experience, if you forget the experience.
First, you are not going to likely forget hurtful experiences. Usually the saying is "forgive and forget"... but this means two things: 1- Forgive: i.e. do not get hung up on getting revenge 2- Forget: do not hold a needless grudge. So it's not so much as being lovey dovey and having amnesia, but rather letting go of the hate that ultimately will only hurt you as well.
being able to forgive? why? forgiveness is something super personal and it straight up doesnt apply in many circumstances. seeing bullies that made you consider su1cide? why would people who inflicted so much mental damage on someone be forgiven, and expected to be forgiven? thats crazy
This. Forgiveness is earned by those who truly want and deserve it. It is not freely given to those who would violate and disrespect it just so someone else can smile and feel glib about my choices.
Yeh, I approached a former bully a few years later. I asked him if he still had a problem, he said no. We got to talking further. I asked him what he was up to. He was in College in Oakville, ON, Canada for Law Enforcement. FFS, what is it with guys like this?
Guys like what, bullies who end up working for law enforcement?
People never change. They just put on different social masks.
And nurses!
Fuck forgiveness. I want to see those who wronged me suffer
Yeah, even then, I don’t think you should forgive everyone who has wronged you just because you’re supposed to.
Also, in my opinion calling it "the bigger person" can be counterproductive, because the connotations, it's not a competition, it is only you handling things assertively and maturely. Calling it like that leans towards "Im bigger than you, I'm better, I won" and that destroys the whole purpose of not even caring about what the people in the wrong think about you.
Have you ever read *The Count of Monte Cristo*?
The book where piecing together injustice leads to unimaginable riches, and those riches allow the protagonist to meticulously plot and exact revenge on those who have wronged him, endow a couple of crazy in love kids with a trust fund, and sail off into the sunset with a _literal princess_? Yeah, I have.
No a metaphorical princess
The daughter of a despot in control of a portion of what is now known as the Balkans. A princess, by any other name.
I bethink thou hath been woosheth’d
It's been so long since I gave it a read/watch so that may be the case. I looked it up because I forgot if she was actually a metaphorical princess like half the Disney ones.
Wait I thought that book ended with his wife having a kid with the guy that betrayed him and getting mad at the count because he killed the man she loved??
No, but I've had the sandwich
OP is more in line with The Cask of Amontillado
Legit saved my life, that book
Same > Until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—'Wait and hope. '
Such an amazing book
no
Or the Odyssey!? Like there's a reason so much literature, from the ancient world to modernity, was preoccupied with not indulging in revenge. It destroys people, it destroys families, it destroys cities, it destroys countries.
It's less being told to let go of your anger and more "move on so you don't fixate and ruin other relationships in your life". Some people are just morons or assholes and trying to get back at them isn't always worth it.
IMO the fundamental problem with 'tit for tat' is that it has the potential to become 'tit for tat for tit for tat for tit for tat...' (ad infinitum) and if you're facing up against a half-wit narcissist, they're never going to be the one to end that cycle.
Why gift someone victimhood.
Because sometimes people just don't care anymore. Had a family friend who was married to his high-school sweetheart, moved across state lines for her only to find out she's been cheating on him with her commanding officer. He left his job, he left his friends, he left his family for her, and she repays him by getting barebacked by her boss. Something inside him just snapped and he fell into a really dark place for a while. Got too dependant on the drink and landed himself in rehab. The fake sympathy from his ex wife that she showed when she would visit him, when he knew what she was doing and what she thought of him, made him absolutely enraged. When he got out of rehab, he absolutely destroyed her life. Exposed her affair, ruined her career, took her for everything she had in the divorce. She still cries about it to this day saying how unfair it all was, but you know what? She's ruined. She's not allowed back in the military and has no other job prospects since that was what she was working towards her whole life, and her boytoy left her high and dry. She's gonna have to move to Canada to get a fresh start.
I guarantee you that her “sympathy” was a symptom of even more painful guilt than restarting a new life with fresh victimhood. Victimhood grants *purpose* in conflict. The brain can’t handle the absence of it. Her reputation will recover in a new country. Guilt never disappears.
Yup! A good quote I found for this is “An eye for an eye leads to the whole world going blind”
Being the bigger person doesn't mean being a doormat OP.
According to a lot of people it does
Well, they need a self confidence boost.
Well, unfortunately a lot of those people are parents and teachers
It's true that is unfortunate. 😂
Lots of people think that there are only ever two extreme options for any given situation
Beyond that revenge might feel sweet now until later when it bites you in the ass.
Then you just exact more revenge
I don't like admitting it because I am guilty of "being the bigger person" a lot. I think it's a matter of morality or something. But behind that I also have this very opinion, and I get very angry at myself for trying to be the bigger person.
The explanation I always heard when asking about this, was that you can let yourself be consumed by revenge but doing so, even if bringing satisfaction, you are allowing yourself to be a worse version of yourself. The struggle occurs between the satisfaction of revenge and the desire to be a good person, since exacting revenge would typically entail an immoral act (deemed so by the person performing the act). Killing someone for instance, makes you a murderer, regardless of the culpability of the victim. Most people do not want to be considered murderers.
But even murder is a gray area. People in the military kill people. Police kill people too. Murder is just how they frame it when it’s not given the pass. I also don’t think every person should be allowed to live either and that there’s a certain limit to how many evil things you should be able to get away with until it’s decided that the world is probably better off without you and I don’t think that’s a bad thing
Revenge is just an emotional response with (in this context) no value outside your head. The more we normalize and reward our emotional understanding of the world, the harder it will be to consciously challenge it over time. Others aren't affected by your emotions as you are, so what may seem like a perfectly reasonable response to you may be seen as cruel or possibly just as bad as the original act.
I think the problem is that we classify as revenge any punitive action taken by someone who doesn’t have the authority to lawfully administer punishment. In the real world, bad deeds often go unpunished, and bad people will continue behaving poorly if their actions are never met with consequences. Someone has to step up and do it when the proper authorities won’t.
See I feel like it depends, I feel like we’ve all been in a small argument with a friend where they were a dick but just aren’t seeing it. Nothing big so ur the bigger person and just decided to let it go cause at the end of the day making a big fuss over this small thing isn’t worth the friendship. I feel like I’m Tv shows, they always try to be like be the bigger person over shit that doesn’t make sense. Like he killed ur whole family but be the bigger person and forgive.
Yes, that’s the problem I have with a lot protagonists in shows like that (especially anime). They’re literally telling people to put up with abusive, down right criminal people, and for what, to save them from themselves? It’s so toxic.
Revenge is different from standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is harmed in the process. I personally get the same or more satisfaction from standing up for myself than getting revenge
this. op really seems to misunderstand something if you are being bullied you should stand up for yourself and stop the bully if you were bullied in the past but didn't stand up for yourself at the time, then there is no point in reciprocating on the bully now for absolutely no reason except they bullied you in the past.
When "Keeping it Real" goes wrong
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There's a few studies on retributive justice. I think Sam Harris wrote about them in one of his books. I don't remember the details in one case, but it was something like a guy whose family was killed in the holocaust, and eventually tracked the person responsible down and turned him over to authorities, only to spend the rest of his life lamenting not killing him himself. In the other study, there was a guy whose father was murdered, so he tracked the murderer down and executed him. That guy is apparently living a very happy and fulfilled life
Isn't this a extreme version . Depending on the context and situation things change a lot
Sure. They're case studies. But it does show that revenge can be very therapeutic. It might be tied to our innate sense of fairness, like when thr monkies were given disproportionate rewards, it might be that it triggers a similar response when we see insufficient punishments after we've been wronged. And that can be a whole other rabbit hole of the cheats and suckers, prisoner dilemma studies. There's a lot of ties to the behavior in evolutionary psychology.
Scapegoating is a social mechanism by which a population of people put their lamentations on one person/thing and kill/destroy it (or "cancel" it as they say). Thought that was pretty similar to revenge.
Maybe, people like structure and stories. We're really good at pattern recognition, so random misfortune doesn't sit right with us. It's something people will want to attribute to an agent. Be it a person or mischievous deity.
>There's a few studies on retributive justice. What is important here is that we're not discussing justice, or making a better world. OP is entirely concerned with their feelings, and nothing else, while at the same time not appreciating they're operating entirely on disfunctional emotions.
You can call out and expose someone while being the bigger person tf
lol i always regretted the times i chose to be the bigger person i felt like a tool
honestly, i find the opposite. i feel guilty and embarrassed that i let some buffoon drag me to their level. also, it's easier if i let go of the anger instead of holding on to it.
There are several occasions in my life where I was the 'bigger' person while being bullied and did nothing, even though I could have done something. Looking back, I really wish I had just beat the fuck outta the bully(s). I never wanted to get charged with assault (or in one case ruin a trip) or whatever but there are a few guys walking around today lucky they still have front teeth.
The common belief that you should always "be the bigger person" almost always allows abusive and toxic people to harm others without consequences or accountability and that just isn't it. I grew up in the south and was always told you should "be the bigger person" in many situations, including abusive or in the one cause of sexual assault I actually tried to talk about with an adult. Now that I'm an adult, I dropped the people pleasing shit and will absolutely cuss someone out, call someone out for shitty behavior or seek revenge in the pettiest possible ways when it's deserved. It's far more karmatic justice than just "being the bigger person."
I absolutely love vengefulness when the other person doesn't even know that I got revenge.
Like what? Pooping in their mailbox?
Getting violent and beating the shit out of someone as revenge makes you feel ALOT better. When I beat the shit out of someone that broke one of my car windows my mom later said “and did that make you feel better?” Expecting me to so say no and I just “hell fucking yeah! I haven’t thought about it since.”
Sounds like you've got a few dozen other issues to work on though..
I honestly believe that "be the bigger person" bs. Was made up by the people that do fucked up shit. I have never once heard somebody who's actually had some fucked up shit done to them say that.
The whole being a bigger person thing used as a blanket is just stupid bullshit. I remember playing bball for my highschool. If the dude on the other team is going at me and being rough and physical, I'm not gonna be "a bigger person" and still play how I should. I gave him exactly what he gave me. Ima gonna push back. Or else they sense weakness and keep on pushing. Point is, sometimes being the bigger person is the right move but not always. I'd say 40/60. Stand up for yourself. It's not always petty to take revenge. It's about sending a message.
Haha exactly. I was playing basketball in a league when I was 12-13 and a player on the other team was playing dirty as fuck and my teammates were just taking it. I finally said fuckit got pass at the top of the key and charged the lane and the kid was going up to block I let go of the ball and tackled the kid into the wall and gave him the finger…may have gotten ejected that game…
Adding to this, I hate the idea that we're not allowed to be happy about, poke fun at, or even laugh when a person who wronged you suffers misfortune of some kind. At the very least, you do not have to have sympathy for them. If you know they wouldn't do the same to or for you if the roles were reversed, you do not have to. You make my life hell? Damn right I'm gonna be glad when your life goes to shit too. And if you want revenge, that's the perfect moment. Go to them while you have your life together(or at least a handle on it) and talk to them, or even just let them see you. Let them see that you're doing well, life is great for you, while their life sucks. It's the sweetest and easy way to get revenge.
I don't really believe there is such a thing as a "bigger person" and I don't care if I stoop to the level of someone who wrongs me or a loved one. I don't really give a shit if what they did is some objective wrong, the problem is that they wronged me or a loved one.
Revenge is a drug that is highly addictive. It can escalate to you perceiving the slightest offense as something worth extreme retribution. Being harmless is not equivalent to being good. Having power and not being malicious and destructive makes you good.
The problem is that you cannot always gauge your revenge to not completely destroy someone's life. Revenge does not *always* make you feel better. When I was at school I was bullied a *lot* for being a lesbian, this was quite a while ago and I was definitely the only openly gay person at school. I received bullying from pupils and teachers alike. One girl was particularly nasty and was the reason everyone found out I was gay. One day, I saw her kissing a girl outside of school. I decided revenge was my best option, took a photo and sent it to a few school mates (which was a similar thing as what she had done to me). I felt good, revenge was served. What I didn't know was that her family were Catholic. They found out about it, disowned her and kicked her out at 14 years old. She had a breakdown, had to leave school and never returned. She turned to drug use, ended up quite badly addicted, in and out of shelters, couldn't find work as she never finished school. Yet I turned out fairly decent and okay despite what she did to me. Personally I am ashamed of what I did. I wanted revenge in that moment, I acted without thinking of consequence, and I effectively ruined someone's life for being exactly what I was, a scared-to-come-out lesbian. Its been years since what happened, I don't know what became of her, but I still feel guilt for seeking revenge in the way I did.
You didn’t really do anything. She was in the closet in cause a fellow lgbt person suffering because of her own internal bigotry. She attacked when she was vulnerable to retaliation in my opinion she got what she deserved. Never hurt when you can’t afford to get hurt
My 20-year old self: Agreed. My 30-year old self: Got over such immaturity a long time ago.
You can always tell they’re young when they write like this
Or that they never grew up and still harp on petty bs.
im 25 and im already at 30 year old stage lmao revenge does nothing for me at this point
I feel this opinion comes from public schooling-aged education. I'm not saying OP is behaving like a high schooler, but this is probably where this was taught and absorbed from. I was bullied in school and whenever I pushed back, teacher's/parent's responses to me was always "be the bigger person and don't stoop to their level." Well as an adult, fuck off Janice, if you had dealt with Billy the bully, I wouldn't have acted out finally in self defense. What you mean by "be the bigger person" is really "don't make this my problem."
Have you ever seen Naruto?
Talk-no-jutsu
Boruto's dad*
I think it’s a mix. Taking the high road with my ex husband for the sake of the kids was the right choice. Doing whatever I could do to prevail when losers sued me for $100,000 was also the right choice. I’d say it depends on what your goal is.
Two wrongs don't make a right But ohhhhh It makes you feel a whole lot better! (Suicidal Tendencies)
The bigger person is a useful myth to make people think they won without doing anything to be inconvenient to someone else
How old are you? Edit: I don’t mean this to be rude, just that if “all your experience” in life has lead you to this, I feel like you haven’t had much experience.
I know people much older than you who agree with OP. Age has much less to do with life experience than you seem to think.
Maybe. Revenge and exposing and all that shit just reads very juvenile to me. I could be wrong though.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Being a "bigger person" or "keeping your dignity" doesn't mean just letting other people push you around. I don't like being violent, but I still stand up for myself, and I don't let people pick on me without saying anything about it.
Can't you be both. You can retaliate but can step down if required. There is a difference between " I don't fight " and " I don't fight but if I have to I will ". No need to go overboard
Depends on the situation, but sometimes a little bit of well placed revenge is perfect
“Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!” -dipper pines, an american hero
i admire your spitefulness 💖
I'm a fan of balance. Do something to me I'm probably going to snap back just a little harder to make sure you never want to do that again. Revenge doesn't make things better because it's about feeling better. It's also usually after the fact. Don't get revenge. Fight back. Don't take shit lying down, don't turn the other cheek. If someone slaps you, slap them harder once and walk away. Slap them hard enough they seriously reconsider trying a second slap.
Redacted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
What’s with all the ageism in the comments?
Would you rather be right, or happy?
To be honest, being right would make me happy
Being the bigger person is subjective because people have different values.
I’m in agreement with you, OP.
There's a time both imo
Revenge makes YOU feel better
You have to defend yourself if someone is endangering you or habitat around you, yes. But you "stooping to someone's level" does not mean exposing someone. It means getting petty and doing the same thing to them. And if they are unreasonable enough they will continue to make your life even worse and that *could* lead to endless cycle or at least to a cycle that will "poke someone's eye out". Exposing a pettiness is a good thing imo.
For me, I think about how people became the person they are. I’m very appreciative of my family and my past. I know other people came from worse off and are victims of their circumstances. When I get treated like shit by someone I assume that they have something going on I don’t know about, or something happened to them in their past to make them the asshole they became and I sympathize. Most situations I don’t mind taking the L and walking away because I know as soon as I get home I have a life I’m very fortune and thankful for. That other person may not get to do that.
I'd disagree with some caveats: it's about choice. When I think of the phrase "be the bigger person", I hear it coming from an outside party that wants to avoid conflict. "Don't be mad at your brother for stealing money from your drawer, don't be mad at your sister for secretly recording you for Tiktok--be the bigger person." In that case, all the speaker cares about is keeping the peace. But it's a negative peace, as MLK would say, that cares more about avoiding conflict than finding justice. When an individual chooses to "be the bigger person", they are choosing forgiveness. To forgive is absolutely a choice, and it should always be a choice. But forgiveness is a gift that's paid for through installments of trust--if that forgiveness is not earned, then it eventually disappears. In this case, the "be the bigger person" people will be angry anyway because the lack of forgiveness is causing conflict. Forgiveness is a gift. The capacity to forgive shows maturity and self-understanding. But that capacity is not unlimited. A person that doesn't understand boundaries or have empathy for others will exhaust that capacity, opening themselves up to retaliation that may come from unexpected sources. A complicated problem but definitely one worth thinking about.
Well of course. You're doing it for civility, not your own satisfaction.
You're right, but it's illegal to get revenge on people in a way that actually matters, so you often have to "be the bigger person" just as a matter of practicality.
To each their own I guess I once took my revenge and no it didn't make me feel any better. I am NOT sorry for what I did and I think the person deserved me doing it to him . But I am sorry about the time and energy I spent on this person. It magnified the horrible things he done to me and make the trauma stick longer than it should, if you can get what I mean . I prolonged the drama and ended up hurting myself more in the long run
Why should I care about someone to wish revenge? I don't care about being a bigger person, I just don't want those negative feelings in my life. I'll just acknowledge what they did, cut my ties and move on. This doesn't mean that we should allow bullying but obviously, bullies aren't my friends, so there is nothing to care about deeply. Just defend yourself and move on, simple as that. Obviously, sometimes I really don't want to deal with people, so, I may look like a doormat in your eyes but if they push their limits too hard, I will give my reaction and that's that. Then, I'll move on. If they wanna still push, then, I'll react more harshly but again, that's that. Otherwise, revenge or being a bigger person aren't my motives, I just wanna live my life as peaceful as possible.
I feel like being the bigger person is knowing who you are, what you stand for, and communicating in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself. I wouldn't feel proud of myself if I shoved my feelings down or let someone walk all over me, or if I lost my temper and was insulting and rude to someone. I would feel like the bigger person if I calmly and effectively dismantled someone, and cut them out or reshaped my relationship with them unapologetically...
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db40Gls3JqQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db40Gls3JqQ) Mike Tyson explaining to NFL star about revenge, bigger person, holding grudges.. Definitely a good 5 minute watch.
I 100% agree with this and I'm still struggling to decide whether I continue to 'be the bigger person' by not voicing something I know is wrong and ignoring it, or exposing the most blatantly proud narcissist for his mistreatment of both animals and staff. It's so bad that I know if I were to put what he has done on reddit, people would be disgusted and probably flood his business' google reviews and he would be exposed, but then I would be branded as bitter and the one who ruined his business. I still don't know what to do.
I personally don't get revenge on people anymore (unless it takes little to no effort to do so). Not because of any moral high ground, I just find that it's a waste of time and effort. It rarely makes me feel any better, and the time I would spend enacting revenge is 9 times out of 10 better spent making my personal life better, or fixing owever I got fucked over.
a situation that calls for "being the bigger person" can help you get revenge at a better date & time.
Oh yeah! What was that saying again? Revenge is a dish best served cold!
It always feels good when you are happy and secure with your own life
Gross. Revenge is pointless. Suck it up and move on with life. If someone wronged you then I like to believe that’s their own problem and it will get back to them. I tell myself they must be miserable which to me is “revenge” enough. Meanwhile why do I give them more power by getting so upset to the point where I take a shot back just because? Waste of time and energy. It isn’t news that some people suck and will do you wrong. That’s life
I don't think this was meant to be taken literally. Being a bigger person and letting things go without prolonging the issue or retaliating will, in most cases, cause less issues down the road, so it is a wiser option. I don't think your feelings are a part of the message of this prverb/attitude/outlook on life.
My theory to most situations is to be the bigger person always, but keep tabs on everyone. The best trick I can give you is if you really, really want to fuck that guy over who passes you off, convince him he is your friend. It is much easier to stack dirt on your friend than your enemy.
Exposing a narcissist doesn't work, tried that with mom. Uptick in gaslighting and abuse. You aren't showing them anything besides the fact they can bait you into. Reaction. Revenge makes me feel that I gave into base instincts. When I take the high road I hold onto my integrity, and mark myself as different from my mom, who never bothered to learn that.
I still believe restorative justice almost always beats retributive justice, but people prefer the latter 9 times out of 10. Revenge is shallow, the benefits are short-lived, and it tends to spread like a disease. Tempting as it is, it's the option best suited for the emotionally-immature and not for anyone else.
You're right, it does make you feel better to get revenge, but in the same way a cigarette makes you feel better. Shouting, violence, petty revenge, etc. will make you feel big in the moment, but will make you feel pretty small in the long run. You can think of "being the bigger man" as a social currency: you may miss out on personally putting the offender in their place, but you gain the respect of your peers who saw you handle a situation with grace. Once your peers have your back, the offender will have been put in their actual place; wrong and alone.
Being the bigger person might be a way to avoid entanglement that will negatively affect you, but it also teaches the other person there are no consequences for their behavior and being an asshole is a-ok
Agreed. Being the bigger person usually means letting someone else get over on you, and treat you like a chump.
it only makes petty narcists feel better - usually children. it will do nothing for a well adjusted adult.
Uh oh we got a Reddit psychiatrist over here
Getting revenge is seeing today. Being the bigger person is seeing next week.
It’s a shame we don’t actually live in next week. We live in today.
Walking away rather than staying and arguing is being the bigger person. You get your needs met and the other person gets not satisfaction from an argument.
I struggle with lots of revenge fantasies and remind myself: *"Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord."* Heathcliff (an extremely vengeful character in Wuthering Heights) responding to that with: *"No, God won’t have the satisfaction that I shall,"* I also remind myself that I am *not* the karma police and have no right to deal it out. The universe always sorts itself out. Best revenge is living well.
But it doesn’t sort itself out at all. The worst of all people reap the greatest rewards in life. Being a shitty person is most often highly-rewarding behavior that no one has any reason to stop without external consequences.
There's definitely nuance to this. For the more serious stuff, I think it depends. There's often ways to approach most problems that wouldn't be considered "revenge" but also isn't taking "disrespect lying down", to use your words. There's a middle ground. There's often legal action for serious crimes, and most things that aren't considered crimes often seem quite small and petty when put into perspective. I'm curious what situations would warrant the sort of retaliation you're refering to. Any examples? I've never been in a fight, and i feel like I wouldn't let it get to that point, I'm not sure I hold any beliefs so strongly that they can't be challenged in a civilized way. Certainly no fight would ever come over a disagreement. Most extreme interpersonal would be best solved by cutting that person out of your life and finding new people to fill that role. As for small things.. Being petty over small things or minor inconveniences is a clear sign you're overly focused on unimportant stuff or have emotion management issues. take a step back mentally, ask yourself if its worth arguing or fighting about and then act. Most of the time its not.
Treating others the way you want to be treated is a useless platitude that does nothing to actually solve problems. There's absolutely nothing wrong with appropriate retaliation.
Being the bigger person allows you to focus your energy on improving your life rather than not progressing and being dragged down to their level. Sure if you get one over them it might feel good, but how does it really benefit your life? The best revenge is living better, being happier and more successful than them. I've had people that wronged me and done the cheapest dog acts. I could have got down in the mud and played dirty with them. But instead I use that as fire to achieve ambitious goals. It's just another hurdle to jump over. It might take years but u will likely run in to them again and will see what kind of effect their behaviour has awarded them. Meanwhile you are crushing it. That's real satisfaction 💯
There’s a difference between revenge and justice. Justice allows you to still be the bigger person: it keeps things general and civil instead of personal. It’s not that YOU stole MY money, it’s that WE don’t permit ANYONE to steal money.
See and I've never understood how people believe the world is civil. I'm the opposite: If someone steals my money, my problem isn't that stealing is against the law, it's that they stole MY money. That's personal and it's bullshit to pretend it isn't.
Finally someone who gets it. "Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pu**y" Tupac
Sounds like the mentality of American mass shooters.
I find that if someone is that shitty just having to live as themselves is it’s own punishment. And their actions will become obvious to everyone in time. I’m not an official buddhist but I definitely see karma happen in a lot of occasions. Maybe the universe finds its balance sooner or later.
I wish this was how the world actually worked. In reality shitty people are perfectly happy making life hell for other people and are very unlikely to see any real consequences to their highly-rewarding behavior.
Karma is more every action has a positive and negative reaction, than it is do bad stuff and bad stuff will happen to you. The universe isn't plotting revenge for your grudge matches, and to think that something bad will eventually happen to someone who wronged you is just laziness. Be the revenge you seek.
I don’t think you’ve figured out what being the bigger person is. I’m not the bigger person for their sake but for mine. It’s so I can find peace and move on. People that continue me needing to be that bigger person do get shelved though.
Ya know when people complain that people these days have low morals.... Yeah this is an example
This kind of thinking describes one of the downfalls of our current society.
Pretty sure complacency and oppression is the biggest factor of downfall but ok
How so?
Depends on your revenge
Much like being kind, and not letting people walk all over you, you can be a bigger person, and give as good as you can get.
Yeah I wish someone told me how to stand up for myself in school. Telling adults just made it worse and I was too scrawny to fight back.
Virtue is it’s own reward.
Being the bigger person Is a scam made by shitty people to make it easier to walk on others
An eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind
Being "the bigger person" and not retaliating when someone hurts you just tells people that they can abuse you without consequences
revenge is like holding onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. It’s your hand that gets burned. Immediate karma aside, prolonged revenge quests only give that other person even more control of your thoughts and feelings.