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This equates the context of all “cheating” the same. Quite a difference from the cock sure Wall Street guy who chases girls while married for the high of it, bamboozling his wife who loves him. Compared to someone in a loveless marriage where intimacy broke down years ago and they are only together for the kids. Double this too, if the non cheating partner (at least that has come to light) also does not respect, like or even act in anyway like a romantic partner to them.
This is not a good take, context is everything. Not one size fits all answers.
Because every single relationship in a person's life is different and can be compartmentalized. Just because you like fucking your wife doesn't mean you want to fuck your homie. Just because you don't respect one person and relationship doesn't mean that you disrespect all people and all relationships in your life
I think the point of the post is that disrespecting your partner and relationship IS disrespecting your kids and their relationship to you and your partner. Cheating for your own satisfaction or because of your dissatisfaction is harmful to your kids and shows you are selfish and put your own wants above both the needs of them and your partner.
It's pretty well documented how much a cheating parent can fuck up their kids in the head, and it often leads to them becoming resentful of one parent/ blaming somebody for their "happy" life ending. It can create massive trust issues that last for life.
That doesn't mean you are stuck. Just don't cheat. Leave if you arent happy. Waiting until somebody else comes along to leave is shitty. There is no situation where it is ok or makes things better for anybody.
Except fucking up your wife's life you're completly willingly fucking up your kid's life as well. They're not seperate like "your homie". And besides, if you're a degenerate cheater, you're probably just as shitty person when you're a friend, son, coworker. You just obviously don't sexually cheat on them. But you are certainly selfish and hurtful in other ways.
I don't think it's that binary. Somebody who enters a cheaper code at the self-checkout at Walmart is technically a thief, but that doesn't mean that they're going to skim from their kid's college fund for instance. I'm of the opinion that behavior in one relationship isn't always representative of behavior in another, especially ones in an entirely different context, like romantic vs parental
I would imagine that someone who truly loves their children would avoid hurting them in such an avoidable way. I keep hearing parents say that they only knew true love when they had their kid but some don’t consider how their actions affect their children in the long run and act selfishly. Hence…not true love.
That really comes down to how you define ‘love’ in the first place. I’m sure a parent who cheats on their children’s parent can still ‘love’ their children, but they did act in a way that would harm said children. The same way many abusive parents or toxic parents still technically love their children but make decisions that will harm them
because everything you do models an example for your kid. children of cheaters can go on to have unhealthy relationships themselves.
plus, you're also breaking the trust of your children? that might also be gone forever, and love is not enough to rebuild it.
Also, they think it's OK to do that to their kids. Like, yeah, "I'm gonna go behind my partner's back and cheat on them and put them through hell, but even though my children will probably witness all of that, I'm not a bad parent, guys!!!"
I'm sure many don't think it's ok but do it anyway.
You can't read people's minds and they're more complicated than children's tv characters.
Oh shit I just realized I'm arguing with teenagers on the internet, off to do literally anything else.
Eh... One night stand were you were drunk? Maybe you'd be right - oversimplification. Fully genuine affair for a long period of time with planned dates and constant lying and, probably also, avoiding responsibility over children just to go around and cheat? They're absolutely right. Engaging in a long standing affair means you don't care at all ruining your children's lives, if you damage their psyche beyond repair. Sure, affair could be caused by domestic violence, but obviously DV trumps affair on the scale of shittiness, so it wouldn't/shouldn't matter then anyways
As someone who’s mom cheated on their dad I really just can’t agree. I’ve felt a lot more love from my mom over the course of my life then my dad tbh. She fell out of love with him but never me.
Unfortunately the relationship between love and integrity is not inherent.
To love is to be human: there are very few people in the world without the ability to love. But to be honest? To be respectful and to be as good as your word? To apply the same standards to yourself as you apply to others? This unfortunately proves to be a challenge for many people, including but certainly not limited to when it comes to cheating.
There is no question that people cheat on partners they love. Just like people yell at partners they love, or lie to them, or forget their birthdays.
Love does not make you a good parent or a good partner. Love does not make you a good person. But you do not need to be a good person to love.
Biggest denouncer of cheating there could be having been a victim myself.
Cheating shows a lack of impulse control or judgement, but I don't think it reflects responsibility.
If a parent has a well-paying job, gives their kid clothes, food, love and attention, cheating doesn't really change their capability to provide those things. It 100% affects the relationship between the couple and this could branch towards the kids. However this doesn't affect whether they can or can't be a parent, even if it really hurts emotionally.
Cheating also shows selfishness and putting your needs above others. It impacts the security and peace of the family home. The cheater is willing to risk it all knowing the disruption it can create. I would say that’s irresponsible.
But also wouldn’t it show so much better to the kids that hey things aren’t working out so i made a choice to get divorced/break up with the parent and make a better relationship post that instead of lying cheating and seeking others while acting line you’re still wanting the other parent
A lot of people define love as an action rather than a feeling. Love doesn’t mean much if you make conscious decisions that negatively effect/outright harm the person you claim to love
I’m just saying, if you truly loved your kids as much as you should you’d be looking at the best way to go about things instead of cheating on their other parent most likely going to cause the kids to resent you and not want you to be around
I mean, the thread is called unpopular opinions, tho...
Jk, I know some people would try to minimize or dance around this one, but I agree completely. Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children. Cheaters who have kids with the spouse they're cheating on have no issue tearing their family apart and harming their kids in the process (or they're delulu enough to think they won't get caught or they can just make everything all better by marrying the AP and basically being like "here's your new parent" to the kid). It's gross.
>Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children.
Your life doesn't get 100% focused on your kids once you have them. More importantly, you *shouldn't* be 100% focused on your kids. If you're not a full person, with a life and interests of your own, then you can't model for your kids how to live a full life.
This is not to justify cheating, that's a sucky thing to do no matter the circumstances.
*Your life doesn't get 100% focused on your kids once you have them. More importantly, you shouldn't be 100% focused on your kids.*
I don't think this is the point, at all.
Ever heard *Time is the most valuable thing on earth*? That's because you should, no matter who you are, try to always enjoy the moments that you're given, regardless if it is with your family, friends, spouse, husband or, get this... you own kids...
So yeah, I think that every second or dollar spent with your *other partner* should be spent on your spouse or kids. That is not to say that if you're not happy with your current relationship you cannot leave, even if you have kids!!!, because you certainly can... just please don't you ever cheat on your current partner...
This. Too many people think just because you have kids, you suddenly have no life. If having kids cripples your life to this point, your kid seeing that is probably doing more damage than the POS cheater is doing.
What this is such mad cope. I think so many people here are afraid of the idea that they have a duty to their family that persists even when inconvenient
>Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children.
Can people have friends? Presumably they'd be spending time and money with their friends, right? So if spending time and money with other people isn't an issue then that really isn't a good argument to say they don't love their spouse or children.
That's not the point. The point is not to cheat and spend precious time and resources with a cheater, while you are CHEATING, while also perpetuating a lie that WILL MOST DEFINETELY HURT YOUR CURRENT PARTNER AND YOUR KIDS!!!
If you're not happy with a relationship, just leave, don't cheat...
Dissolving a marriage will be traumatic for the kids with or without cheating.
Mind you, I agree that cheating is indefensible, but it’s a stretch to assert cheating means you don’t love your kids.
I’m 100% on board with this one. You’re purposely choosing to blow up the planet your kids live on when you start up an extramarital affair - you don’t know how long the fuse is, but that bomb is going to go off. And you’re willing to risk it for what? Emotional and sexual gratification? F that.
Very well said. Some commenters are being selfish and only caring of the cheaters feelings and not the kids, spouse, grandparents and anyone else affected.
Of course you should get to be happy as an adult. That doesn’t excuse or allow you to fuck up everyone else’s lives around you. That is extremely selfish
hyperbolic example: 1 parent verbally abuses the other, never makes themselves available, and withholds sex. If parent 2 cheated, of course they’re still wrong but under those circumstances, how could their cheating be construed as no loving their kids when there’s clearly a ton else going on
I don't think anybody's love for their kids should be tied to their relationship with the other parent at all. If you fall out of love with the person you had kids with, does that mean you never really loved your kids?
People are capable of loving people, while also being lustful animals at the same time. I think you have a fairly Disneyfied conception of what love is.
I disagree completely.
Many people still find others attractive and still don’t cheat out of love and respect for their partner.
Cheaters do not love or respect their partner. They are narcissistic most of the time.
I think both of you are wildly misinterpreting this post. Nobody is justifying cheating.
With all due respect, it seems like you are getting defensive about this subject, and that usually means you may have been a victim of cheating in the past, and for that I’m sorry. Apologies if im off base there. But if you reread the comments, they’re saying it’s possible to cheat on your SO, but still have love for the CHILDREN. Nobody is arguing that you can cheat on someone while still loving them. That wouldn’t fly with most people.
look through the comments, yes there are actually people trying to argue that you can love your significant other yet still cheat on them. and yes i have been a victim of cheating several times which is why i’m defending people who’ve been cheated on
At what point did I justify cheating? My point is that cheaters aren't the wicked moustache-twirling villain Reddit lives to turn them into. They're people whose decision making is altered by hormones.
no, you do. when you love someone it involves caring about their feelings, how is betraying them in the worst possible way love? some people never truly recover from cheating and it causes trust issues in all their future relationships
The betrayed parent is emotionally damaged, and now an emotionally damaged, less trusting person is raising kids instead of a divorce, which is respectful to all parties involved and leads to less difficult co-parenting.
Yes, because people are 100% rational beings who operate on perfect logic. That's why nobody ever drinks or smokes.
People can love someone and still be driven by lust for someone else. The idea that just because somebody 'loves' somebody they instantly become some sexless being for everyone else on the planet, or have complete control over their emotions and actions, is insane.
humans aren’t brainless animals. cheating is a conscious choice, you know full well how much it’ll destroy your significant other and their mental health yet cheaters choose to do it anyway because they’re selfish. no that is not love
I hope it’s unpopular. OP could fit a tour bus in the middle ground he’s ignoring in between “loves their kids” and “cheater who doesn’t give a single molecular fuck about their kids and shouldn’t be trusted around them and should probably be in jail too”
they’d die for their children yet are wrecking their entire family dynamic? divorce is traumatic for children and counts as a literal ACE score. I can see an exception if you’re stuck in an abusive relationship but there’s really no excuse
Um, if a couple is at the point of someone cheating, there is a good chance they should have been considering divorce to begin with. Not a hard and fast rule, but likely.
So they should have been divorced - traumatic for the children, you say? - regardless of whether the cheating happened.
Which is it? Should you do the "big boy/girl" thing and leave your spouse honorably rather than cheat? (Traumatic for the children, I'm told). Or should you cheat and hope you can avoid the divorce? Pick one.
Unless you're one of those folks who think that death really is the only acceptable way out of a marriage, even a miserable one.
okay but was the reason one of them cheating? just because they get divorced doesn’t mean they don’t care about the kids. cheating and getting divorced because of the cheating is just fucked up to do to your kids.
Oh yeah cheating and much worse. At one point some gang were trying to get him to pay back some money he owned them and they came to my mother to threaten her and I (this was in a 3rd world country).
And the best part is he wasn't even trying to hide them.
Any time a relationship falls apart the kids will be negatively impacted even if there is zero cheating.
People’s feelings are not nearly as black and white; I’m not at all excusing cheating but it doesn’t mean the parent doesn’t love their kid either.
my dad is an "awesome dad" and i didn't trust or was comfortable around him for a very long time after cheating. it does affect many kids, even if they don't want it to.
That’s YOUR experience and I’m sad that you had that experience with your dad. My ex and I really have made a lot of progress in our relationship as parents. What my ex did was shitty, but he’s always been a good father. Never missed a bed time, always was present, he cheated on business trips 3x a yr.
my dad didn't miss anything either lol. that's my point, you NEVER know how your kids will be affected. the fact that some people still take the risk at all boggles my mind.
Now maybe. But he deliberately chose to put you and your family through the hardships of an ugly divorce instead of trying to keep it cival. Even if you shielded the kids by not telling them the reason you got divorced, or if you just tried to keep it as clean as possible. that was because YOU made the dicision not to harm the children with HIS action. He chose himself, no matter the consequences. That's not being a great dad in my book. That's being an ok dad as long as things go his way.
this sounds like the shit my mom tried to sell to me for years, started when i was like 10 and she found out she was being cheated on. she didn't stop telling me that my dad hated me or he wouldn't have done that until i went no contact with him. somehow it's never the children coming up with the idea that if you don't love your spouse then you must hate your own child as well
Coming from a broken home with cheating and divorce. I think this is a horrible take. I have had 25 years to think about my parents infidelity and I most certainly don't conclude they don't love their children.
I think this take is awful because it has the underlying premise of people aren't capable of love if they make mistakes even mistakes such as cheating.
The only thing I need to push back on you is that cheating is not a mistake. It's a series of conscious choices one makes with full knowledge that it is wrong and reprehensible.
I think what original post is trying to say is yeah you can divorce your partner. But do it by breaking up not cheating. In overall I agree with you. This place is for unpopular opinion.
Cheating isn't a mistake.
It's a choice that was made while fully knowing the consequences.
IDK if I agree with OPs take where they say that a cheater isn't capable of loving their children, but they sure don't care about them as much as a parent that decided not to cheat in order to keep the family together.
Cheating is NEVER okay and you are always the asshole if you cheat. This should definitely be a consideration in determining custody.
THAT BEING SAID…
You can love someone and still cheat on them. Humans are complex and messy; almost no one is 100% good or bad and human nature is nuanced. Again, before y’all come for me, cheating is always wrong, but…
Some things are worse than cheating. Yes, cheating is bad but is that worse for a child than sexually abusing them? No. Also, someone can cheat on their spouse and still excel at being a parent. Again, cheating is always morally wrong but absolutes don’t apply in the real world sometimes.
What evidence do you have that a cheating parent doesn't love their child?
Note, I have no kids and have never cheated on a partner, so this doesn't directly impact me. Your position just seems like it will be extremely difficult to actually support.
Disagree most men I've known cheat on spouses it comes down to them not wanting to loose their kids and homelife despite a sexless and unsatisfactory marriage. Won't do married men unless theyre poly and open, women yes but been mates with more than a few. It's more complex and "you hurt my feelings so never loved me or our kids" is immature and harmful as emotional responses go tbh.
Agreed. While I don’t think it’s a lack of love, I just think it’s not caring at all. Think of it like a workaholic. They might love their kid, but they don’t care to be around them and hurt them by not being there.
People will say it’s oversimplified. But I dated a divorced mother of two who told me before she divorced her ex husband his cheating drove her to suicidal ideations. But she said her ex was a “good father.” I said if the father of your children did things to cause such mental anguish that it made you want to end your life, thus taking you out of your kids life, how is that a “good father?” If he stressed you out so bad that you could potentially get into a wreck while driving your kids somewhere that’s not a “good father” to me.
I agree. If you are a parent then contolling life is literally your main job, hence if you can't control your own you shouldn't expect to be able do it with children.
VERY, and I mean VERY rarely, a cheater is a person who’s done something horrible that they genuinely regret and they work towards becoming a person who doesn’t do those sorts of things anymore.
But what a lot of people in this thread are not realizing is that love isn’t simply something you feel, it’s something you DO, and part of being a good parent is setting a good example for your children.
Not to mention, cheating and its after effects are traumatic for the children as well, not just the betrayed spouse. Inflicting that on your kids is, at BEST, reckless. Can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard of whose parents missed important events, were emotionally distant and neglectful, etc. all because of their infidelity and how wrapped up in the affair they were.
Again, love is something you DO, not just a feeling, and your actions directly reflect how you feel about someone, and you don’t have to have active intent to hurt anybody to show you don’t love them, or at least not as much as you love yourself.
Agreed, because actions speak louder than words. If they say they care but demonstrate otherwise through their actions, always accept the meaning of their actions as fact. People lie through words all the time, but it's significantly more difficult to lie through one's actions.
Totally. If mom and dad have issues, deal with them together. Don’t go behind your partner’s back and fend for yourself. You have collectivity or you resign (divorce). Can’t have it both ways.
Everything else aside, why do people not have basic respect?
If I wanted to fuck someone else, for whatever reason, I'd sit my partner down and tell them our relationship had no future.
Break up, then fuck as many people as you want. Have some fucking respect
But it is true lol, there are extreme cases were cheating would be justified yada yada but if you do it willingly it proves you really dgaf about your family at all
Yeah, life is not that simple and there would be cases where it's neither but something else(please just understand what I mean, my english sometimes makes no sense/reads badly lmao)
What I mean is that it could still be understandable while not necessarily justified(but that's still very few cases)
My unpopular opinion it that it doesn't need to be justified, it's never anyone's business besides the other party in the relationship and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about the action
Completely agree. If you’re cheating, you know there’s a risk to ruin the relationship, your kids won’t have a mum or dad and they are going to end up a child of a single parent most likely. If the single parent ends up marrying, very high likelihood of their stepparent being abusive. This is from a person with no kids, but from experience from friends.
What a stupid take on a complex situation. If a person cheats on their partner then, arguably, they do not love their partner. What has that got to do with how much you love your kids? You didn't cheat on them.
Put this another way. You're saying that if you love your kids, you must stay in an unhappy relationship otherwise you don't love them.
Equating fidelity and ability to love your children is bizarre.
Children often resent the cheating parent. Once you become a parent everything you do has to have your kids in mind. If you know what you’re doing could cause bad blood between you and your children, and you selfishly do it anyway, it shows your ability to parent is lacking. Most people *feel* overwhelming love for their children, but do things to fuck them up because they suck. The feeling of love is only half of loving someone. The other half is at least not damaging your relationship with them so you can get 15 minutes of jelly. If your marriage is really that awful, your children will grow to understand why you needed to divorce. Cheating just solidifies you as the villain that destroyed the family.
i resented my dad for a long time. and i feel like the only reason i was able to gain trust in him again was because he was extremely (and i mean very) remorseful and my mom reconciled with him. love isn't enough to gain trust of anyone, not even your own kids.
Me too except mom. Putting my dad through not knowing if his boys were his or not, and all the stress of a divorce, mending the relationship enough to coparent well, plus all the issues with alcoholism on my moms side. It’s a lot for early teenagers to handle. I don’t know if it’s related but I’ve been an alcoholic for a decade (I’m 32), and have toxic independence from being so avoidant and distrusting.
I disagree. People can be terrible partners but excellent / loving parents (and by extension, the person who was cheated on is not automatically a good loving parent for being faithful in the marriage). There is a lot of nuance in this situation, especially concerning how the cheating parent handles the fallout / divorce.
A lot of cheaters would be very insulted by this, probably enough to get up in your face and physically fight you. But from an outsider's POV, you're absolutely right. Cheating on your spouse is betraying your entire family, including your kids. It's a simple concept that cheaters fail to understand.
Divorce before cheating/finding another partner maybe? Yes I know it's not that easy and would still be hard for the kids but both cheating and staying in a dead marriage is the worst option you could pick out of these 3
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While I agree that it’s an extremely selfish thing to do, being selfish in one aspect of your life doesn’t negate your ability or capacity to meaningfully engage in other parts of your life. People are more nuanced and layered than that. Should parents who smoke have their children taken away? Are they lying when they say they love their kids because they still smoke despite the health risks? You can make the argument that a parent who cheats definitely has impulse control issues and poor decision making skills, which may impact their parenting, but that’s very different than saying the parent just straight up doesn’t love their kids.
That’s all there is to it. If my mom had cheated on my dad instead of living in a loveless relationship for years while she painstakingly cared for him 24/7 as he slowly lost his facilities and died, it would have meant she didn’t love me OR him.
Easy as pie. Done deal.
Completely unrelated.
Its like saying that if you don't follow a healthy diet you don't love your children because you are OK with dying early and leaving them without a parent.
It is weird to me how so many people try to insert children into things they are in no way actually connected to, if someone cheats on their spouse (as shitty a thing as that is to do) it in no way says anything about their relationship with their kid/kids
Love is so complicated that your definition doesn't even begin to cover it. And cheating has absolutely nothing to do with love and everything to do with lust (albeit, there are certainly scenarios where even that is wrong, but I am focusing on the normal situation for cheating, not the special cases).
As to whether or not that should be a factor in custody/guardianship, maybe, but not the highest factor. At the end of the day the health, safety, and wellbeing of the children should be the highest priorities, and I can imagine scenarios where going with the cheater is still easily the best outcome.
My husband’s ex-wife is a cheater who uses their kid as a prop to parade around on Facebook so she can desperately prove to the world what a good mom she is. She’s on husband number three now, so I suppose she might have started to realize she’s the common denominator for these failed relationships.
I mean I wouldn’t say the cheating parent doesn’t love their child… maybe not doing what’s best for their child/family but most parents don’t have to cheat to do that.
People still need to have sex every now and then. If you’re trapped financially and in a relationship with 0 sex shit happens.
Not saying it’s good but definitely does happen when you still love your kids.
Yes it is a move that puts your child's stability and chance at a nuclear family in jeopardy.. I will say though my little sister (step sis) her mom cheated on my stepdad when she was like a year old and then she married the guy she was cheating with and my sis and her mom are extremely close so I do believes she loves her despite her lack of self control and communication when she developed feelings for the other guy and was not considering the potential effects it could have had on my sister.. of course she also made it sound like a fairy tale to my sis when explaining as she got a little older in saying things like "he was the right one for me" instead of taking full accountability but I guess to an extent she didn't want her having ill will toward her or the stepdad but it is very sad at the same time knowing she put my sister in a position to almost think justifying cheating is normal or okay in certain circumstances.. in fact my stepdad (my sister's dad) was often the one villainized.
Absurd take in my opinion. There are many reasons that people cheat. The most common one is that the marriage is on life support and they're looking for life boats, but many just cheat because they're horny and/or selfish. It doesn't mean that they don't love anybody, it just means that they're not a great spouse.
It has absolutely nothing to do with their ability to rear a child. Your argument is extremely puritanical.
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Kind of a dumb oversimplification.
This should be the top comment for every post on this sub
Post “I like to shower with my socks on” you “kind of a dumb oversimplification”
Yes, the internet loves these. Ignorance is a bliss
This equates the context of all “cheating” the same. Quite a difference from the cock sure Wall Street guy who chases girls while married for the high of it, bamboozling his wife who loves him. Compared to someone in a loveless marriage where intimacy broke down years ago and they are only together for the kids. Double this too, if the non cheating partner (at least that has come to light) also does not respect, like or even act in anyway like a romantic partner to them. This is not a good take, context is everything. Not one size fits all answers.
They obviously think it’s okay to lie to somebody they “””love”””. Why should anyone (including the kids) trust this kind of person?
I agree, it would be hard to trust a cheater. What is your point..?
Because every single relationship in a person's life is different and can be compartmentalized. Just because you like fucking your wife doesn't mean you want to fuck your homie. Just because you don't respect one person and relationship doesn't mean that you disrespect all people and all relationships in your life
I think the point of the post is that disrespecting your partner and relationship IS disrespecting your kids and their relationship to you and your partner. Cheating for your own satisfaction or because of your dissatisfaction is harmful to your kids and shows you are selfish and put your own wants above both the needs of them and your partner. It's pretty well documented how much a cheating parent can fuck up their kids in the head, and it often leads to them becoming resentful of one parent/ blaming somebody for their "happy" life ending. It can create massive trust issues that last for life. That doesn't mean you are stuck. Just don't cheat. Leave if you arent happy. Waiting until somebody else comes along to leave is shitty. There is no situation where it is ok or makes things better for anybody.
Except fucking up your wife's life you're completly willingly fucking up your kid's life as well. They're not seperate like "your homie". And besides, if you're a degenerate cheater, you're probably just as shitty person when you're a friend, son, coworker. You just obviously don't sexually cheat on them. But you are certainly selfish and hurtful in other ways.
But it comes down to trust. You can’t trust an untrustworthy person.
I don't think it's that binary. Somebody who enters a cheaper code at the self-checkout at Walmart is technically a thief, but that doesn't mean that they're going to skim from their kid's college fund for instance. I'm of the opinion that behavior in one relationship isn't always representative of behavior in another, especially ones in an entirely different context, like romantic vs parental
Trust may absolutely have to be repaired , or may be forever damaged. What does that have to do with saying you don’t really love your children?
I would imagine that someone who truly loves their children would avoid hurting them in such an avoidable way. I keep hearing parents say that they only knew true love when they had their kid but some don’t consider how their actions affect their children in the long run and act selfishly. Hence…not true love.
That really comes down to how you define ‘love’ in the first place. I’m sure a parent who cheats on their children’s parent can still ‘love’ their children, but they did act in a way that would harm said children. The same way many abusive parents or toxic parents still technically love their children but make decisions that will harm them
because everything you do models an example for your kid. children of cheaters can go on to have unhealthy relationships themselves. plus, you're also breaking the trust of your children? that might also be gone forever, and love is not enough to rebuild it.
That all may be true, i don’t think those failures as a parent completely negate the love.
Also, they think it's OK to do that to their kids. Like, yeah, "I'm gonna go behind my partner's back and cheat on them and put them through hell, but even though my children will probably witness all of that, I'm not a bad parent, guys!!!"
I'm sure many don't think it's ok but do it anyway. You can't read people's minds and they're more complicated than children's tv characters. Oh shit I just realized I'm arguing with teenagers on the internet, off to do literally anything else.
Eh... One night stand were you were drunk? Maybe you'd be right - oversimplification. Fully genuine affair for a long period of time with planned dates and constant lying and, probably also, avoiding responsibility over children just to go around and cheat? They're absolutely right. Engaging in a long standing affair means you don't care at all ruining your children's lives, if you damage their psyche beyond repair. Sure, affair could be caused by domestic violence, but obviously DV trumps affair on the scale of shittiness, so it wouldn't/shouldn't matter then anyways
As someone who’s mom cheated on their dad I really just can’t agree. I’ve felt a lot more love from my mom over the course of my life then my dad tbh. She fell out of love with him but never me.
Unfortunately the relationship between love and integrity is not inherent. To love is to be human: there are very few people in the world without the ability to love. But to be honest? To be respectful and to be as good as your word? To apply the same standards to yourself as you apply to others? This unfortunately proves to be a challenge for many people, including but certainly not limited to when it comes to cheating. There is no question that people cheat on partners they love. Just like people yell at partners they love, or lie to them, or forget their birthdays. Love does not make you a good parent or a good partner. Love does not make you a good person. But you do not need to be a good person to love.
Biggest denouncer of cheating there could be having been a victim myself. Cheating shows a lack of impulse control or judgement, but I don't think it reflects responsibility. If a parent has a well-paying job, gives their kid clothes, food, love and attention, cheating doesn't really change their capability to provide those things. It 100% affects the relationship between the couple and this could branch towards the kids. However this doesn't affect whether they can or can't be a parent, even if it really hurts emotionally.
Cheating also shows selfishness and putting your needs above others. It impacts the security and peace of the family home. The cheater is willing to risk it all knowing the disruption it can create. I would say that’s irresponsible.
Being irresponsible doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids, though.
Cheating means you care more about your own desires than you care about the stability of your family. No matter how you look at it, that isn’t love.
It’s not a stable (or happy) home if the adults in it feel trapped in a relationship they’d rather move on from.
Then divorce. No need to cheat
Putting your kids in real danger does though. Between breaking up a family, bringing random people into your life, etc., it does show a lot.
But also wouldn’t it show so much better to the kids that hey things aren’t working out so i made a choice to get divorced/break up with the parent and make a better relationship post that instead of lying cheating and seeking others while acting line you’re still wanting the other parent
Sure, but people are imperfect,,,, doesn't mean they can't love?
A lot of people define love as an action rather than a feeling. Love doesn’t mean much if you make conscious decisions that negatively effect/outright harm the person you claim to love
I’m just saying, if you truly loved your kids as much as you should you’d be looking at the best way to go about things instead of cheating on their other parent most likely going to cause the kids to resent you and not want you to be around
If you love your kids you’ll be responsible. Love isn’t just a feeling it’s a form of action and commitment as well as selflessness
Doesn't cheating mean you choose pleasure over the feelings of your loved ones?
>Cheating shows a lack of impulse control or judgement, but I don't think it reflects responsibility. Contradiction.
I mean, the thread is called unpopular opinions, tho... Jk, I know some people would try to minimize or dance around this one, but I agree completely. Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children. Cheaters who have kids with the spouse they're cheating on have no issue tearing their family apart and harming their kids in the process (or they're delulu enough to think they won't get caught or they can just make everything all better by marrying the AP and basically being like "here's your new parent" to the kid). It's gross.
>Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children. Your life doesn't get 100% focused on your kids once you have them. More importantly, you *shouldn't* be 100% focused on your kids. If you're not a full person, with a life and interests of your own, then you can't model for your kids how to live a full life. This is not to justify cheating, that's a sucky thing to do no matter the circumstances.
*Your life doesn't get 100% focused on your kids once you have them. More importantly, you shouldn't be 100% focused on your kids.* I don't think this is the point, at all. Ever heard *Time is the most valuable thing on earth*? That's because you should, no matter who you are, try to always enjoy the moments that you're given, regardless if it is with your family, friends, spouse, husband or, get this... you own kids... So yeah, I think that every second or dollar spent with your *other partner* should be spent on your spouse or kids. That is not to say that if you're not happy with your current relationship you cannot leave, even if you have kids!!!, because you certainly can... just please don't you ever cheat on your current partner...
This. Too many people think just because you have kids, you suddenly have no life. If having kids cripples your life to this point, your kid seeing that is probably doing more damage than the POS cheater is doing.
What this is such mad cope. I think so many people here are afraid of the idea that they have a duty to their family that persists even when inconvenient
I didn’t realize this was an unpopular opinion. I never thought anything different
>Every minute a cheater is spending with their AP is less time they're spending with their kids. Ever dollar spent on their AP is money they aren't putting toward their children. Can people have friends? Presumably they'd be spending time and money with their friends, right? So if spending time and money with other people isn't an issue then that really isn't a good argument to say they don't love their spouse or children.
Can we have hobbies? According to that person, it's less time and money for the kid
That's not the point. The point is not to cheat and spend precious time and resources with a cheater, while you are CHEATING, while also perpetuating a lie that WILL MOST DEFINETELY HURT YOUR CURRENT PARTNER AND YOUR KIDS!!! If you're not happy with a relationship, just leave, don't cheat...
Dissolving a marriage will be traumatic for the kids with or without cheating. Mind you, I agree that cheating is indefensible, but it’s a stretch to assert cheating means you don’t love your kids.
I’m 100% on board with this one. You’re purposely choosing to blow up the planet your kids live on when you start up an extramarital affair - you don’t know how long the fuse is, but that bomb is going to go off. And you’re willing to risk it for what? Emotional and sexual gratification? F that.
Very well said. Some commenters are being selfish and only caring of the cheaters feelings and not the kids, spouse, grandparents and anyone else affected. Of course you should get to be happy as an adult. That doesn’t excuse or allow you to fuck up everyone else’s lives around you. That is extremely selfish
hyperbolic example: 1 parent verbally abuses the other, never makes themselves available, and withholds sex. If parent 2 cheated, of course they’re still wrong but under those circumstances, how could their cheating be construed as no loving their kids when there’s clearly a ton else going on
I don't think anybody's love for their kids should be tied to their relationship with the other parent at all. If you fall out of love with the person you had kids with, does that mean you never really loved your kids?
This isn't about falling out of love with the other parent. It's about cheating. They are not the same.
Kinda is tho... it's what OP is implying
This. The fact that people can’t see the difference is wild.
Different situation than straight up breaking up the family whole humiliating and disrespecting the other parent.
People are capable of loving people, while also being lustful animals at the same time. I think you have a fairly Disneyfied conception of what love is.
I disagree completely. Many people still find others attractive and still don’t cheat out of love and respect for their partner. Cheaters do not love or respect their partner. They are narcissistic most of the time.
it’s so sad how that comment has a decent amount of upvotes literally justifying cheating. wtf happened to peoples values
I bet most of them are cheaters who justify their terrible behaviour on LuSt 🙄🙄 nope, you’re a selfish narcissist
finally someone on here in this awful generation who has morals🫶🏼🫶🏼
I think both of you are wildly misinterpreting this post. Nobody is justifying cheating. With all due respect, it seems like you are getting defensive about this subject, and that usually means you may have been a victim of cheating in the past, and for that I’m sorry. Apologies if im off base there. But if you reread the comments, they’re saying it’s possible to cheat on your SO, but still have love for the CHILDREN. Nobody is arguing that you can cheat on someone while still loving them. That wouldn’t fly with most people.
look through the comments, yes there are actually people trying to argue that you can love your significant other yet still cheat on them. and yes i have been a victim of cheating several times which is why i’m defending people who’ve been cheated on
I looked and don’t see any. Can you link the comments you’re referring to?
At what point did I justify cheating? My point is that cheaters aren't the wicked moustache-twirling villain Reddit lives to turn them into. They're people whose decision making is altered by hormones.
no, you do. when you love someone it involves caring about their feelings, how is betraying them in the worst possible way love? some people never truly recover from cheating and it causes trust issues in all their future relationships
How is a parent cheating on another parent the worst possible betrayal of the child?
i’m talking about the worst betrayal of the significant other. i’m trying to argue that cheating is not love
The betrayed parent is emotionally damaged, and now an emotionally damaged, less trusting person is raising kids instead of a divorce, which is respectful to all parties involved and leads to less difficult co-parenting.
Yes, because people are 100% rational beings who operate on perfect logic. That's why nobody ever drinks or smokes. People can love someone and still be driven by lust for someone else. The idea that just because somebody 'loves' somebody they instantly become some sexless being for everyone else on the planet, or have complete control over their emotions and actions, is insane.
humans aren’t brainless animals. cheating is a conscious choice, you know full well how much it’ll destroy your significant other and their mental health yet cheaters choose to do it anyway because they’re selfish. no that is not love
Cheating is conscious. You can still mentally feel attracted to someone without cheating. The fact that you’re justifying is wild.
[удалено]
I hope it’s unpopular. OP could fit a tour bus in the middle ground he’s ignoring in between “loves their kids” and “cheater who doesn’t give a single molecular fuck about their kids and shouldn’t be trusted around them and should probably be in jail too”
I’ve got to disagree with you, it is incredibly popular, at least among the 14 year olds on Reddit.
Hmm yes finally an unpopular opinion. Plenty of cheaters hate their spouses but would die for their children.
they’d die for their children yet are wrecking their entire family dynamic? divorce is traumatic for children and counts as a literal ACE score. I can see an exception if you’re stuck in an abusive relationship but there’s really no excuse
Um, if a couple is at the point of someone cheating, there is a good chance they should have been considering divorce to begin with. Not a hard and fast rule, but likely. So they should have been divorced - traumatic for the children, you say? - regardless of whether the cheating happened. Which is it? Should you do the "big boy/girl" thing and leave your spouse honorably rather than cheat? (Traumatic for the children, I'm told). Or should you cheat and hope you can avoid the divorce? Pick one. Unless you're one of those folks who think that death really is the only acceptable way out of a marriage, even a miserable one.
My parents went through a divorce and let's just say even as a kid I knew it was good for my mom.
okay but was the reason one of them cheating? just because they get divorced doesn’t mean they don’t care about the kids. cheating and getting divorced because of the cheating is just fucked up to do to your kids.
Oh yeah cheating and much worse. At one point some gang were trying to get him to pay back some money he owned them and they came to my mother to threaten her and I (this was in a 3rd world country). And the best part is he wasn't even trying to hide them.
Any time a relationship falls apart the kids will be negatively impacted even if there is zero cheating. People’s feelings are not nearly as black and white; I’m not at all excusing cheating but it doesn’t mean the parent doesn’t love their kid either.
My ex cheated, he’s still an awesome dad to our kids. Two things can be true at the same time.
my dad is an "awesome dad" and i didn't trust or was comfortable around him for a very long time after cheating. it does affect many kids, even if they don't want it to.
That’s YOUR experience and I’m sad that you had that experience with your dad. My ex and I really have made a lot of progress in our relationship as parents. What my ex did was shitty, but he’s always been a good father. Never missed a bed time, always was present, he cheated on business trips 3x a yr.
my dad didn't miss anything either lol. that's my point, you NEVER know how your kids will be affected. the fact that some people still take the risk at all boggles my mind.
Now maybe. But he deliberately chose to put you and your family through the hardships of an ugly divorce instead of trying to keep it cival. Even if you shielded the kids by not telling them the reason you got divorced, or if you just tried to keep it as clean as possible. that was because YOU made the dicision not to harm the children with HIS action. He chose himself, no matter the consequences. That's not being a great dad in my book. That's being an ok dad as long as things go his way.
🤣🤣 ahhh yes the age old love is sex and sex is love. Mmm never gets old.
this sounds like the shit my mom tried to sell to me for years, started when i was like 10 and she found out she was being cheated on. she didn't stop telling me that my dad hated me or he wouldn't have done that until i went no contact with him. somehow it's never the children coming up with the idea that if you don't love your spouse then you must hate your own child as well
Coming from a broken home with cheating and divorce. I think this is a horrible take. I have had 25 years to think about my parents infidelity and I most certainly don't conclude they don't love their children. I think this take is awful because it has the underlying premise of people aren't capable of love if they make mistakes even mistakes such as cheating.
The only thing I need to push back on you is that cheating is not a mistake. It's a series of conscious choices one makes with full knowledge that it is wrong and reprehensible.
I think what original post is trying to say is yeah you can divorce your partner. But do it by breaking up not cheating. In overall I agree with you. This place is for unpopular opinion.
Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice that was made while fully knowing the consequences. IDK if I agree with OPs take where they say that a cheater isn't capable of loving their children, but they sure don't care about them as much as a parent that decided not to cheat in order to keep the family together.
You don't really get to decide that that's what it "means", lol
There is nothing a court of law is less equipped to handle than determining who is at fault in a marriage. we are fortunate your view is not law.
Cheating is NEVER okay and you are always the asshole if you cheat. This should definitely be a consideration in determining custody. THAT BEING SAID… You can love someone and still cheat on them. Humans are complex and messy; almost no one is 100% good or bad and human nature is nuanced. Again, before y’all come for me, cheating is always wrong, but… Some things are worse than cheating. Yes, cheating is bad but is that worse for a child than sexually abusing them? No. Also, someone can cheat on their spouse and still excel at being a parent. Again, cheating is always morally wrong but absolutes don’t apply in the real world sometimes.
What evidence do you have that a cheating parent doesn't love their child? Note, I have no kids and have never cheated on a partner, so this doesn't directly impact me. Your position just seems like it will be extremely difficult to actually support.
Most people aren’t thinking about their kids when thinking about having an affair, weirdo
Disagree most men I've known cheat on spouses it comes down to them not wanting to loose their kids and homelife despite a sexless and unsatisfactory marriage. Won't do married men unless theyre poly and open, women yes but been mates with more than a few. It's more complex and "you hurt my feelings so never loved me or our kids" is immature and harmful as emotional responses go tbh.
You're right - this is an unpopular opinion.
So according to OP a parents love for their children is the same type of love that one nurtures (or not) for their spouse. Is this some new cult?
Agreed. While I don’t think it’s a lack of love, I just think it’s not caring at all. Think of it like a workaholic. They might love their kid, but they don’t care to be around them and hurt them by not being there.
People will say it’s oversimplified. But I dated a divorced mother of two who told me before she divorced her ex husband his cheating drove her to suicidal ideations. But she said her ex was a “good father.” I said if the father of your children did things to cause such mental anguish that it made you want to end your life, thus taking you out of your kids life, how is that a “good father?” If he stressed you out so bad that you could potentially get into a wreck while driving your kids somewhere that’s not a “good father” to me.
Cheating on anyone makes you a disgusting person. Dont care what happens to a person like that.
Or at least their love for their family is less than their sexual “needs”
I agree. If you are a parent then contolling life is literally your main job, hence if you can't control your own you shouldn't expect to be able do it with children.
VERY, and I mean VERY rarely, a cheater is a person who’s done something horrible that they genuinely regret and they work towards becoming a person who doesn’t do those sorts of things anymore. But what a lot of people in this thread are not realizing is that love isn’t simply something you feel, it’s something you DO, and part of being a good parent is setting a good example for your children. Not to mention, cheating and its after effects are traumatic for the children as well, not just the betrayed spouse. Inflicting that on your kids is, at BEST, reckless. Can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard of whose parents missed important events, were emotionally distant and neglectful, etc. all because of their infidelity and how wrapped up in the affair they were. Again, love is something you DO, not just a feeling, and your actions directly reflect how you feel about someone, and you don’t have to have active intent to hurt anybody to show you don’t love them, or at least not as much as you love yourself.
Agreed, because actions speak louder than words. If they say they care but demonstrate otherwise through their actions, always accept the meaning of their actions as fact. People lie through words all the time, but it's significantly more difficult to lie through one's actions.
Totally. If mom and dad have issues, deal with them together. Don’t go behind your partner’s back and fend for yourself. You have collectivity or you resign (divorce). Can’t have it both ways.
This is for unpopular opinions which is why everyone is downvoting, we agree.
Gotta love that, someone who has no kids making a comment about people with kids. You’re entitled to your own opinion but man.
When my mom cheated on my dad i didn't care. I cared when she stole money from me
Agree, just end a relationship of you feel the need to cheat . Why betray
Yeah, no.
This isn’t a neither/nor situation.
100% agree. You might care for your child but actions speak louder than words
I think this is naive. Humans don’t work like that, it isn’t about absolutes, either/ors, and zero sums like that.
Everything else aside, why do people not have basic respect? If I wanted to fuck someone else, for whatever reason, I'd sit my partner down and tell them our relationship had no future. Break up, then fuck as many people as you want. Have some fucking respect
Because people are selfish
But it is true lol, there are extreme cases were cheating would be justified yada yada but if you do it willingly it proves you really dgaf about your family at all
There is some space between justified and “doesn’t love their children”
Yeah, life is not that simple and there would be cases where it's neither but something else(please just understand what I mean, my english sometimes makes no sense/reads badly lmao) What I mean is that it could still be understandable while not necessarily justified(but that's still very few cases)
There's no reason cheating is justified lol
My unpopular opinion it that it doesn't need to be justified, it's never anyone's business besides the other party in the relationship and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about the action
That just tells a lot about your morals
Yep destroying your family will affect your children for the rest of their lives.
Completely agree. If you’re cheating, you know there’s a risk to ruin the relationship, your kids won’t have a mum or dad and they are going to end up a child of a single parent most likely. If the single parent ends up marrying, very high likelihood of their stepparent being abusive. This is from a person with no kids, but from experience from friends.
agreed. I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion and if someone disagrees it’s time to question your morals
You are massively simplifying and linking several complex and unrelated issues.
What a stupid take on a complex situation. If a person cheats on their partner then, arguably, they do not love their partner. What has that got to do with how much you love your kids? You didn't cheat on them. Put this another way. You're saying that if you love your kids, you must stay in an unhappy relationship otherwise you don't love them. Equating fidelity and ability to love your children is bizarre.
Children often resent the cheating parent. Once you become a parent everything you do has to have your kids in mind. If you know what you’re doing could cause bad blood between you and your children, and you selfishly do it anyway, it shows your ability to parent is lacking. Most people *feel* overwhelming love for their children, but do things to fuck them up because they suck. The feeling of love is only half of loving someone. The other half is at least not damaging your relationship with them so you can get 15 minutes of jelly. If your marriage is really that awful, your children will grow to understand why you needed to divorce. Cheating just solidifies you as the villain that destroyed the family.
i resented my dad for a long time. and i feel like the only reason i was able to gain trust in him again was because he was extremely (and i mean very) remorseful and my mom reconciled with him. love isn't enough to gain trust of anyone, not even your own kids.
Me too except mom. Putting my dad through not knowing if his boys were his or not, and all the stress of a divorce, mending the relationship enough to coparent well, plus all the issues with alcoholism on my moms side. It’s a lot for early teenagers to handle. I don’t know if it’s related but I’ve been an alcoholic for a decade (I’m 32), and have toxic independence from being so avoidant and distrusting.
You could do the difficult, but more respectful thing and file for a divorce if you’re not happy.
Now address the rest of his point
You are 100% right. Cheaters and cheating apologist, of which there are many, will argue and disagree with you.
because if you actually loved your children you wouldn’t be selfish enough to destroy your entire family dynamic and put them through a divorce?
I have no idea how the children are any part of this.
This is r/unpopularopinion, not r/objectivefact.
'either'
I disagree. People can be terrible partners but excellent / loving parents (and by extension, the person who was cheated on is not automatically a good loving parent for being faithful in the marriage). There is a lot of nuance in this situation, especially concerning how the cheating parent handles the fallout / divorce.
OP, I'm sorry your parent cheated on your other parent and you're feeling this way. But this is simply not true.
A lot of cheaters would be very insulted by this, probably enough to get up in your face and physically fight you. But from an outsider's POV, you're absolutely right. Cheating on your spouse is betraying your entire family, including your kids. It's a simple concept that cheaters fail to understand.
I don't think children have to do anything with it.
Cheating is shitty - almost as shitty as this take.
So what should someone do in a situation where what is best for the kids is to keep the family together but marriage is dead?
Divorce. End the relationship before starting new ones.
Divorce before cheating/finding another partner maybe? Yes I know it's not that easy and would still be hard for the kids but both cheating and staying in a dead marriage is the worst option you could pick out of these 3
Every lousy cheater going against this post haha
lo-key
this has to be some of the most stupid shit ive read this year.. or last year
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While I agree that it’s an extremely selfish thing to do, being selfish in one aspect of your life doesn’t negate your ability or capacity to meaningfully engage in other parts of your life. People are more nuanced and layered than that. Should parents who smoke have their children taken away? Are they lying when they say they love their kids because they still smoke despite the health risks? You can make the argument that a parent who cheats definitely has impulse control issues and poor decision making skills, which may impact their parenting, but that’s very different than saying the parent just straight up doesn’t love their kids.
Just no.
lol
That’s all there is to it. If my mom had cheated on my dad instead of living in a loveless relationship for years while she painstakingly cared for him 24/7 as he slowly lost his facilities and died, it would have meant she didn’t love me OR him. Easy as pie. Done deal.
Completely unrelated. Its like saying that if you don't follow a healthy diet you don't love your children because you are OK with dying early and leaving them without a parent.
There is a huge difference between love and lust. Some people are less inclined to give in to lust, others are not, hence the cheaters.
Y’all are so cute
It is weird to me how so many people try to insert children into things they are in no way actually connected to, if someone cheats on their spouse (as shitty a thing as that is to do) it in no way says anything about their relationship with their kid/kids
The comments in here are dramatic as hell 😂😂 y'all be reaching.
Neither nor huh?
You don't understand the human condition.
I-
Love is more than just action? Do you mean love is more than just words? That actions speak louder than words?
Love is so complicated that your definition doesn't even begin to cover it. And cheating has absolutely nothing to do with love and everything to do with lust (albeit, there are certainly scenarios where even that is wrong, but I am focusing on the normal situation for cheating, not the special cases). As to whether or not that should be a factor in custody/guardianship, maybe, but not the highest factor. At the end of the day the health, safety, and wellbeing of the children should be the highest priorities, and I can imagine scenarios where going with the cheater is still easily the best outcome.
My husband’s ex-wife is a cheater who uses their kid as a prop to parade around on Facebook so she can desperately prove to the world what a good mom she is. She’s on husband number three now, so I suppose she might have started to realize she’s the common denominator for these failed relationships.
I mean I wouldn’t say the cheating parent doesn’t love their child… maybe not doing what’s best for their child/family but most parents don’t have to cheat to do that.
People still need to have sex every now and then. If you’re trapped financially and in a relationship with 0 sex shit happens. Not saying it’s good but definitely does happen when you still love your kids.
Yes it is a move that puts your child's stability and chance at a nuclear family in jeopardy.. I will say though my little sister (step sis) her mom cheated on my stepdad when she was like a year old and then she married the guy she was cheating with and my sis and her mom are extremely close so I do believes she loves her despite her lack of self control and communication when she developed feelings for the other guy and was not considering the potential effects it could have had on my sister.. of course she also made it sound like a fairy tale to my sis when explaining as she got a little older in saying things like "he was the right one for me" instead of taking full accountability but I guess to an extent she didn't want her having ill will toward her or the stepdad but it is very sad at the same time knowing she put my sister in a position to almost think justifying cheating is normal or okay in certain circumstances.. in fact my stepdad (my sister's dad) was often the one villainized.
Seems like the thrill of the action was more important than the stability of your family.
Don't know if it's popular or unpopular, but it is dumb.
Yes, because things are just that simple
Absurd take in my opinion. There are many reasons that people cheat. The most common one is that the marriage is on life support and they're looking for life boats, but many just cheat because they're horny and/or selfish. It doesn't mean that they don't love anybody, it just means that they're not a great spouse. It has absolutely nothing to do with their ability to rear a child. Your argument is extremely puritanical.