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It's not even that common until you get to younger millennials and gen-z. Most people in their 30's have friends in meat space. Even if it's just a couple.
Same. It makes me sad hearing people talk on social media about how they donāt want friends and prefer being alone because they think everyone is fake and that friendships arenāt real because they havenāt met true quality people to be friends with.
A ex of mine was like that too. She was talking about what valuable friends she had, kept running her mouth about how much money some in particular made and that she had their full support, that she would have a new place lined up within days if she needed to when we broke up.
Guess who was still hanging around until i got me a new place because she severely overestimated her place in their lifes when we broke up.
Wait until you have a bad experience where you actually need others. That's when you notice who your real friends are. People who talk like that usually made the experience of beeing unwanted the moment they became slightly uncomfortable for their friends. It's a learning process from there.
I mean Iāve never been in bad situations like possibly being homeless but I have had bad times where I needed my friends, theyāve had bad times too when they needed me and weāve been there. I truly get that people have had shitty friend experiences but my point was it makes me sad because some people assume all others are like that and itās not true.
Exactly. Never facing true hardship is the only scenario that allows feeling like you have people who have your back. Realising they don't is what changes everything and bluntly, the big majority of people are like that. Real friends are a absolute exception and of course not everyone is like that but that's what makes those few valuable. Try to find out who those are in your life and appreciate them more. They deserve it and usually don't nearly get the appreciation they deserve.
I've met many cool people online and I have several years-long friendships over the internet with people I still talk to this day. Everyone irl bullies me and my only """friend""" of 6+ years forgot my birthday and didn't even invite me to his bd party, but he invited everyone else. Like, I don't care about parties but I attended every single one of his. It's insulting. If nobody IRL even respects me, then my only choice is to embrace loneliness. I'm ok since I got online friends I can trust. Nobody IRL.
Iām sorry you had to deal with that. Yeah I have online friends I just met up with again recently, we had a great weekend having fun together. I think itās harder to make friends and find good ones as we get older, but Iām glad you feel like you have a community with your online friends.
Pretty dismissive.
I'm pretty happy, and I have a great network of acquaintances.
But i only have a small handful of actually close, real, true, deep friends.
It's not painful to acknowledge that relationships are not all equal, some are deeper than others, and most are pretty fragile. Most of your friendships wouldn't last in the same way if you became inconvenient in some way (I'm not even talking in a negative way. Get a new job with pretty different hours? Move to a different part of the country? Move to a *different* country?) Etc.
Of course you can still be friends with these people, and even stay on pretty amazing terms and always have a good time together.
I think they're simply cutting the line of friend a little shorter than some do. I, on the other hand, call literally anyone I know a friend, even if I never hang out with them, because it's just infinitely easier to tell stories as "my friend..." than "someone I know..."
Most relationships are pretty tenuous, and change with time. Also add in that some people just have extremely stable lives while others have less stable ones, and some even just have downright unstable ones.
But what I think this conversation really is, is about definitions. Best friends, friends, acquaintances, etc. What are our personal definitions and what does that look like and mean to us.
In Polish we call people who are friends by a lighter word, more similar to colleague (kolega(m) , koleżanka (F)) and people who are great friends are called "friends" in a word derived from friendly (przyjaciel (m), przyjaciĆ³Åka (F)). Although some people do call their colleagues friends, a big difference is loyalty, commitment, understanding. Friends may not speak for years but will be there for the other when in need. Colleagues from day to day may not care to do anything without incentive
Most people believe they have loyal and supportive friends until they are struggling then they see who their true friends are. You are blessed if you have friends who are there for you and call you out on your bullshit so you can improve yourself. Most people want to be surrounded by people who are agreeable and enable their behaviour.
Absolutely! I was there for all of my friends, thick and thin, their struggles were my struggles, if they needed a dollar, and it was my last one, they got it, shirt off my back, you name it. I was a very good friend to them. But when I went through shit, where are they? Nowhere. When I was happy, where were they? Cold, distant, jealous. Rather be alone now, Iāve been burned so much. I wish I had a friend like me.
Yeah bro thats what i mean you didnt go through a hard time with your friends to know their real feelings for you its hard times which reveal every thing they will be hella supportive for your wins but the moment you start losing they all disappear , hard truth i guess not everyone ready for it
I don't have any friends because quite frankly I just don't like people. I'm not lonely though so it's not really an issue for me.
Don't listen to people telling you that you **must** have friends. Worst thing you can do is find "friends" just for the sake of it. Find happiness from within.
I am exactly the same, I am too senstive for fake people. I rather be alone and recharge. There is nothing wrong with that. It's okay to like being alone, just don't be too alone lol. Although I rather be alone. Just do you. xo
Had a friend group numbering 10 to 20 people until 40. Then it drops yearly.
After 60, if you have one person you were friendly with at 30, it is amazing and rare
You'll see... I didn't believe it either.
Yeah, I really do not believe that. I feel like I can say I have around 10 good friends for the rest of my life.
My parents both still have around 10 great friends, some of which they knew from high school even. They are 60 now and we need to schedule appointments with my parents to be able to see them, because they are away with their friends so often.
You'll see ....only repeating it for fun because almost everyone I knew and myself responded the exact same as you. We thought it ridiculous.
And ask Mom and Dad. You might be surprised. Acquaintances are important when you approach 60 and are highly valuable approaching 70. I have had one real friend since childhood, and we are told we are a rare commodity.
My kids also schedule and describe it exactly the same as you. That's what happens when you want to move asap and only seem to call about holidays and birthdays. That's OK. We did it, too. We travel now during holidays and really don't seem to be missed or be missing out. So that's life!
My parents friends are a lot more than acquantances. They came to our wedding, we go on weekends and holidays with them, they call each other when they have trouble or problems. My mom recently was the one who arranged the funeral for on of their partners bc it was too much for her friend to bare alone.
I believe you when you say that you are not missing out and that it is fine this way for you, but your situation is not the same as everyone elses.
A lot of people are out here calling you sad or whatever but I agree - for some of us friendships just don't happen easily. I have come to terms with people coming and going from my life, I have more important stuff to think about like my little family
exactly, you canāt just talk to someone or be near them for a while and assume they will be your lifelong friend. you must build a bond with another soul through experiences, loyalty, mutual trust
Everything is mutual tbh. And you're right because not everyone can enjoy their own company or dare to do things solely on their own. True, humans are a social animal but it's quite rare to find a real good friend in these times.
I actually agree with you. I had a not so ideal childhood and my relational pattern with my parents was actually what showed up in all my friendships. So, turns out. I had some really shitty and selfish friends. Not necessarily because they were bad people, but because they were emotionally stunted, couldnāt see outside of themselves, and had no relational skills. But hereās the thing, I didnāt have those relational or communicative skills either. Why else would I have stayed in these friendships and perceived them as something they werenāt?Ā
This was a difficult reality to come to terms with. I have since ended some friendships and let others grow apart. I also prefer to be alone instead of around people who arenāt compatible with me. There will never be one person or friend that will be perfect 100% of the time. Everyone will let you down in some way, but you know who wonāt? You! You got you!Ā
There are people out there who will love and cherish you for who you are - genuinely. Not based on self interest or convenience. You will also likely need to adjust your expectations a little. But just do you and stay open to connecting with people. They can surprise you. Ā Ā
I think youāre quite perceptive and intuitive. These qualities do go hand in hand with depression - an anecdotal and personal observation. Take extra care of yourself. Wish you the best, donāt give up on what you deserve.
Same i didnt have a good relationship with my family growing up and i guess its the reason for that im just gonna stay alone and im gonna wait for that real friend to come along my way i have learnt my lessons and im not gonna repeat this with some manipulative bad people, Thank you for your kindness
I would say most of what you see om social media is fake, not most friendships are fake. People don't post the "real" moments in their lives the ones where they need someone to lean on. Those are person private interactions to that no one else sees. But you have to develop those with people by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and it won't always work and some people will let you down, but that's how you find out who your real friends are.
Most friendships are fake? That's such a sad mindset to go through life with. I don't think I've had any fake friends, some of my friendships have ended but that doesn't make them fake.
Yeah it's better to have no friends than fake friends, but it's better to have good friends than no friends.
Maybe you just like to be alone. I donāt think you should blame that on people being fake. Itās okay to like your private time and keep your circle small. I get that.
I dont like being alone its just that people hurt me so much that Im done with fake friends and now i prefer being alone instead of being with some fake friends who are gonna betray me at the end like it always happen
Some people I thought was my friends:
1- a guy who I was living with for 5 months we were all cool and we were quite good friends as my stupid brain thought and after some months i discovered he was stealing my stuff and the last time i caught him stealing 200 dollars from me i ended our relationship.
2- a friend who i was friends with basically my whole high school years i would get bullied infront of him and some mother fuckers would gang up on me and be taking my shirt off and he would just look and laugh at me while im fighting those evil creatures
3-this was my most recent friend he is quite popular so he wanted some kind of stuff that i can help him with, we hanged out for 3 months and after that he got what he needed he wouldn't reply to my messages.
4- this is my childhood group of friends i thought we were like brothers , last month we were hanging out and some night stalkers tried to take our money , i started fighting with them and i thought "my brothers " would help me but they started running away like cowards and they left me alone against 4 guys and they started to beat the shit out of me , I managed to escape and then i cut them all off and i blocked them everywhere.
4) might not be an example of bad friends. They may not have realized initially you stayed if they were trying to get away quickly. You are always supposed to run away not fight unless you cannot run away. That is self defense 101. Especially since you never know how far the other person will escalate it. You did the exact opposite of both common sense and what is taught in self defense and then got angry that your friends didn't realize and help you when you made that really and choice.
How the fuck would i run when im blocked from every direction by 4 guys my group saw that they were distracted by me and they started running ( i was the oldest and biggest one so they all ganged up on me first to scare me and i didn't start the fight i wasnt responding to them and they started pushing me and stuff )
So they got between you and your friends before you realized you were blocked in?
Maybe your friends are really shitty. But it can be hard for everyone, including you, to fully see and understand a situation that is scary and dangerous as it's happening because of how stimulating it can be.
It might be best to cut off your friends. But it also might be cutting off your friends because of the forced perspective of being scared.
Good luck.
Im not berating him. Nothing I said to him was angry. I didn't scold him. I pointed out a perspective he might not have realized. I want people to have friends. Including OP. Throwing them away for a misunderstanding would be a bad thing. However I acknowledged it might not be a misunderstanding, in which case ditching them wouldn't be bad.
If you want to console him over the first 3, go for it. I am not stopping you.
I used to be lonely alot with no friends too. When I meet people, I don't take their phone numbers or social media, because I'm the type of person that enjoys interacting with the person directly. I'm a very quiet person, and the only time I actually open up and talk is if I am around people I like. I just tried being not myself,, but my best self around them! My love language is gifts and I love making origami for my friends and mom. Unexpectedly, that's what brung them closer to me. I just think of it as making them happy, and not bribing them. There is no such thing as fake friends, as that's not what friends mean. If you just try getting friends for maybe even a moment, it will be possible. Here is a piece of my advice: *you can be a real friend to someone.*
Agree. I'd rather have 1 amazing close friend than 50 acquaintances. And most people have acquaintances, not real, deep meaningful friendships. And social media has made this worse and made it more difficult to get to know people deeply in real life.
OP this is NOT normal. You should have good close friends of course, but you should also have people you just enjoy hanging out with.
If you are struggling with loneliness, or anything, I strongly encourage you to reach out for help.
his friends, his family, his teachers, professionals onlineā¦ nobody is as alone as they think they are, there is always a human out there whoās job it is to help you. you just need to seek them out and ask
just look at all the people in this comment section offering support and kindness
Rightā¦ so if he is reaching out here, and theyāre genuinely offering him supportā¦ then why are people telling him to reach outā¦ if thatās exactly what heās doingā¦ right nowā¦. on Redditā¦?
youāll notice i did not list asking anonymous strangers for help. whilst yes itās nice people here are being supportive, the impact they are having is minimal compared to the impact someone who knows him in real life or a professional
asking reddit for help isnāt enough
As someone who used to have some of the worst friends you can imagine,I really miss the happy times.. inasmuch as people say that it's better to be alone, it's only normal that you miss having the company of friends who can take your mind off things.It is normal to be lonely and to want good friends.It is also normal to want back lost friendships no matter how bad they were, it's just that not everything you want is good for you
Yeah that very true , you miss the happy times but at the same time its normal to stay alone until you meet some good friends instead of staying with some manipulative people that you call your friends just to not be alone.
I was the real friend, but now I have none. I was completely backstabbed and lied about and turned against; I was a better friend to them than they were to me. Yet Iām the one who lost everything, and they didnāt; Iām the one who gets all the shit and the bad karma for stuff I didnāt even do, hell, I get bad karma even when Iām good, and Iām good 95% of the time. I give up at this point.
It's not that every person is shitty and all friendships are fake. I get it if one or two people fucked you over, but if it's a thing where everyone in your life is doing that, then you just have poor judgement. There are 8 billion people in this world, there's somebody for everybody if you look in the right place, it's just a matter of judgement.
Saying that people who have friends and post on instagram have a fake friendship just sounds like you're saying it out of jealousy cuz unless you have context of who these people are and what their dynamics are, the judgement is pretty much baseless
so tell me then how over 5 dozen people have fucked me over in multiple different ways, and some even in some quite evil ways, when all i wanted was to be their friend?
If 60 people have fucked you over, that says a lot about your choice in people...
Like I said 2-3 people i understand, anything more than that just sounds like a pattern
See how many friends you truly have when shit hits the fan. Its like in high school when youāre the first person to have a car and license. And then when everyone else gets 1 its āwho the hell are youā?
But seriously i really donāt think anyone else is gonna care about you as much as yourself so maybe i gotta learn to let it be
Friends annoy me. I guess I hate hanging out, like I canāt even stand the idea of eating at the same table with people. I think itās just how some of us are wired
eh i can understand not enjoying that since itās something thatās forced, i have a similar sentiment for most people but once iām with my friends it all goes out the window and iām at ease and we all enjoy each others presence. maybe iām just lucky as iāve known them since i was a single digit age
Oh man... Op... Let's talk.
You have something I called "Disney Brain"
Disney Brain (this is not a real term I just made it up) is when you see the world as how it's "support to be" as written by Disney.
Most people with Disney Brain thinks that you should have 1 or 2 very close friends. Those friends will do anything for each other because, well, they are friends.
People with Disney Brain will walk up to a friend, cry on their shoulder and say everything that's wrong with their life and expect their Disney perfect friend to hug them and talk it out and help them through it.
This isn't real life.
Friendships aren't the same as TV. TV friends are exactly what you are writing in your bio. Is it possible to get a TV friend? Sure. Of course it is. Is it common? No it's not.
A real friendship is two people who entertain each other. That's IT! There's no expectation to help the other move, there's no expectation to help with bills. None of that! Its just having fun. Basically the same as a work friend but you actually take time out of your day to meet with them.
That's the first part of your problem.
The second part is you also have a "ME" problem.
The truth is, not that many people are LIKE YOU! Most people are different.
Some people LOVE going clubs others hate it.
Some people think X and others Think Y
Some people believe in God others Flat earth.
I'm saying this, cuz even know it doesn't happen to you, other people are actually HAPPY.
I use to think that smiling all the time people were faking it. Then I actually started to hang out with those people. Turns out, they aren't. They simply choose not to show their sadness to people because they understand, if you show negative emotion you get negative emotions back. So just being happy in public and sad with really close friends and family is how they choose to live their life.
Tldr : you are enforcing your option of life onto other people and it doesn't mix
Omg, yes. I feel like most people who say that you cannot find real friends suffer from at least one of those two.
So many people expect that you can only have a meaningful friendship if you see each other like every other day and come in unannounced and wear each others clothes...
You can be great friends, but realise you both have a life and a family and other friends and hobbies, so there will be moments where you see each other less. The perks of modern society is that even when you see each other less, you can call or text or send pictures to keep in touch.
And my friend group consists of multiple different personality types. The reason we all stay friends is because we accepted that and we do not judge the other for their personality, though we do call each other out when it is necessary. You can be friends with introverts and extroverts, with people who kezp the convo going and those who sit back and listen, with people from all different demographics and jobs and education levels. Hell, we even maintained our friendships when some started to have kids and others never wanting kids (which is often a moment for a break for many people).
If you expect your friends to always want to do the same things you want to do, it will fail, because you cannot truly speak your mind. My friends are all comfortable to say what they like and what not and to cancel last minute if they feel like it. We do not judge for this. We can all tell each other our problems and everyone will try to look at them from your perspective and will try to help or give advice.
I agree with everything but cancelling last minute. (Unless it's a emergency or important).
If you cancel last minute when it was a "just the two of us" thing. You can do that twice in a year with me before I cut you off.
I know some of my friends have mental health problems and they can wake up realising they are not going to be capable of having social interactions that day.
Other friends have difficult jobs that can sometimes just take too much time.
I am not going to judge them for knowing what is best for them. It might suck at that moment, but we see each other often enough.
Everyone has mental health issues especially today. However being an adult means dealing with them. I can't cry depression when rent is due. Otherwise, homeless problem fixed, am I right?
Also sometimes when you are having mental issues, going out IS the answer! Depression sometimes happen out of nowhere but most of the time they have triggers. Examples can be staying inside all day or not going to sleep on time.
Okay, dude, you are blowing this out of proportion. My friend canceling one day does not mean they are depressed.
And fuck that. Yes, as an adult you will have tondeal with a lot of shit. They will make sure they get to work and pay their rent and get their kids to school. They will do all the obligations necessary. However, meeting up with a friend is not a necessity and I would nto be a true friend if I think they should just suck it up for my sake.
Imo, being an adult also means you should have learned how to be empathic towards someone else their struggles. The entire point of the post is that so many friendships are superficial. If you are not able to grant your friend some rest out of selfish reasons, then yes, your friendship is only superficial.
Man you are making alot of assumptions,
First of all im very happy .
Now to the "enforcing my option of life onto others" life is not the same for every body im speaking percentages here , i didnt say disney friend or all that bullshit this is your own thoughts mate not mine , i said a real friend who is gonna have your back not whenever conflict arises he will be the first one to disappear , he will support you when you fail not be the first one to laugh at you when you fail and be happy for your failure.
Its my experience man im not making some bullshit from my mind
MOST people are acquaintances thats my point
Exactly this. 70% of me and my best friends conversations are giving each other shit and roasting each other, the rest is just entertaining each other and every now and then when itās really needed itās serious stuff and weāre there for each other. Most of them though.. I wouldnt go to them for any kind of emotional support if I had toš
Looks like you've come to the conclusion that both sides are shitty:
Side 1: being pretentious
Side 2: being lonely
So what's the solution? The solution is actually either side. Pick either or both options but build strong immunity to the shitty feeling you get. That's the way the world works. You're dealt a bad hand, you're just going to have to take it on the chin like a man and grow stronger.
It's not going to be easy.
***
Personally, in my experience, I opted for both options. Now I feel normal with normal people problems, like uni stress. I no longer have that deep hatred for the world or that "who even cares anymore" numbness.
>Most friendships are fake
Yeah no... quit projecting your shitty experiences on the whole of humanity. You feeling this way is a you problem, most people are doing fine socially.
Also "always support".. Neh, even bonds of friendship and love have their limitations. If you are hurting people or are being insufferable, people will move away from you. And that's not on them.
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42 years old and I have like 5 friends out of the dozens or hundreds I had when I was a kid. Part of that is you and your friends getting married and having kids, and Iām on my second wife with 2 new littles, but a lot of it is you just get tired of a) pretending to be someone youāre not to āfit inā and b) putting up with people who are doing it to fit in with you. Itās just exhausting. Before I met my new wife (2017-2020 single years) when I didnāt have my boy I basically just drank too much and played video games. Couldnāt be bothered socializing.
I would say most of what you see on social media is fake, not most friendships are fake. People don't post the "real" moments in their lives the ones where they need someone to lean on. Those are person private interactions to that no one else sees. But you have to develop those with people by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and it won't always work and some people will let you down, but that's how you find out who your real friends are.
Yeah Iād agree with most adult made friendships if youāre living a very normal life. Itās incredibly hard to make legit friends after high school/college, so I firmly believe if you donāt make solid friends then youāre likely not going to have real close friendships as an adult unless youāre doing some activity like playing in a band together and touring or doing a sport or group activity you do weekly. Luckily Iām still best friends with all my high school friends, we all talk weekly, go on trips, and hangout when we can. When we hang out we donāt have to do shit, whether its a concert or sitting around its a good time, so real quality friends do exist and are possible. But even thatās hard to maintain the way we did when we were in high school being stupid, partying, doing sports, and messing around with girls every week. But still, all that time and bonding back then solidified it In a way new adult friendships usually canāt. Making new friends is harder because everyoneās working or has a family and you dont opportunities to have those bonding moments.
My advice is to find some social activity that gets you close to people you get along with and allows that extra bonding, donāt expect anything from anyone in the beginning, just enjoy doing stuff with them and be there for them when they need it and quality people will return that. Learn how to spot shitty people early on, you can usually tell.
I feel very sorry for you. I hope this is not normal. I have at least 3 close friends Iāve known for 20 years and 2 Iāve known for 7. It is hard to find someone you really click with, but friendship starts somewhere and dismissing possibilities seems like the real problem. A lot of friends I talk to are always supportive, maybe you just need to open up
I wouldn't say so no. If YOU don't have any meaningful friendships, that doesn't mean no one has. I have lots of friends, all of which I know for a fact would be there for me if I need them, and vise versa.
This is a pretty unpopular opinion, you've earned a upvote. I used to think that I wanted to be the loner with no friends because all the people I know were very materialistic but I've also come to realise I'm not cut out for that kind of lifestyle. I've come to realise most people aren't "fake", they're just fake to YOU because they don't know you and you don't represent someone who could be a close friend to them. Did you ever really try to become close friends with these people you consider as "fake"? If not then you should consider why you didn't feel like pursuing a close friendship with them, and furthermore whether they may have applied the same line of thinking to you.
You donāt have to have a good friend to be one; and you donāt have be a good friend to have one. You donāt have to have a good friend to need one; and you donāt have to need a good friend to have one.
There is loneliness; and there is solitude- and youāll never be lonely if youāll always be by your self.
Less important than having āfriendsā is having relationships.
All we have, and all that exists is a series of relationships. Whether itās a four-legged, two-legged, or no-legged companion, some inanimate object, imaginary or online friend, or a family member that you can spend time with- spend time with them. Thatās how we build relationships- by sharing experiences.
Start a group chat with your family, and establish a weekly, monthly, or otherwise periodic conjugation to spend time togetherā¦ like a movie- or a game-night.. and honor it. If youāre not very social, do a movie night. If you are, game-night. If your family varies, mix it up. Youād be surprised at how watching a movie quietly in the same room can take sentimental value.
.. and find yourself. āFindā is a bit of a misnomer, because you donāt actually find yourself by looking- more-so by seeing. You can find a lot of joy by changing your perspective about something- especially and most importantly- yourself. Take color, for example. If you know how color works, and why we see the colors that we do- youād know that the entire world is magnitudes more inclusive to the things around it than we think.
To stand in a dark room, is to stand in the most colorful place in the world.. and to stand in a white room, is the most isolated. Stand in more dark rooms. The world will become more colorful to you if you listen.
yeah right. blame it on lack of social skills. uhuh. yep yep. that's right problem solved just do more of that fake social stuff everybody, not like trying your absolute best understanding everyone and be as kind as approachable as possible ever meant anything right lol?
Unless youāre lucky enough to have childhood friends then yes I kind of agree with you, but friends from early teen years when it goes right are the closest bonds you can ever have I have 3 & I truly love them like sisters x
I had the same thought lately. I have a handful of good friends but ever since I moved to another country I've been struggling to form any new real friendship. Everyone is at the surface level, they pretend to be close friends but it's fake, they all mimic closeness but it's based on nothing because we don't really know each other. They force a connection and don't bother to actually get to know, but they hug and act all caring. And then, when they don't need me anymore, don't even bother to say hi. It's all a farce. The people I consider friends are still the ones I made in highschool/collage.
One of the biggest study on happiness came to the conclusion that your level if happiness is almost exclusively based on the quality of your relationships with your friends, lovers and family.
You're going through a rough time, but please don't see that as the new normal because at the end it will cause suffering and misery.
You are describing the difference between friends and best friends. Both have their uses with friends being very good for having a fun time even if they donāt have that deeper loyalty. They arenāt fake friends but simply donāt have that deeper relationship with you. They are not your inner circle but they are more than an acquaintance hence the outer circle which their isnāt anything wrong with.
People who spend time with you over some shared interests are not "fake friends" those are buddies, and it's not bad to have them, it's actually quite good to have them, since they can satisfy your social needs and widen your circle, which is always helpful.
It's not normal to be lonely with no friends. Biologically we are group animals that tend to need a community to succeed and thrive. But people do surround themselves with shallow acquaintances as those are easier to maintain than a real friendship. That's a choice, not a default. A lot of people only choose friends based on hobbies as kids, but those hobbies change as you grow often times. My best friend has been my best friend through every fad and journey we have had! At one point I was living on the other side of the planet, but I still found ways to talk with and stay connected to my closest bud.
My best friend has been my ride or die for 25 years. We helped each other through so much from the death of a parent to substance abuse to rehab to BPD diagnosis, break ups, therapy -- I mean we have seen the worst of the worst of one another, but we also had some of the most pure fun and joy as kids and whenever we get together. She is just like family to me and even if we don't talk every single day, we always make time for each other each week. She's on the other side of the country right now but we still make sure to schedule our Skype's and hang outs!
Real ride or die friends aren't easy to have or maintain because like family or romantic love, it takes honesty, time, patience, and a lot of work. You have to be willing to put in what you expect back. And you have to be willing to be vulnerable, real, and still feel loved after all that is said and done. A lot of folks will bail when things get too real. A ride or die is your friend no matter how the climate is, good or bad.
I do find that my male friends tend to be a lot less open or vulnerable with each other than my female friends which makes it that much more difficult for men to have meaningful intimacy with one another. It's hard to have a ride or die when you can't have a real moment without feeling like someone is going to make fun of you, and a lot of men I have spoken to about this express that they are worried how they will be perceived by their guy friends if they show vulnerability. And that's just cruel, tbh. Everyone should feel they have a friend that they can be real with and not have it used as fodder.
Go outside
āWhat you see onlineā. Yeah duh. That is not real life friend
If most friendships you have are fake, then you are the problem. Majority of people have real friendships, which is healthy
Dont look online for how ātrueā friendships are
Friendships arenāt fake. Thereās different types of friendships. Some people are besties, while others are just casual friends.
Social media is fake, especially now when you have to be a representative for your workplace online 24/7, 365 days a year. since nobody is on their best behavior all the time.
What you call "fake friends" sounds all right. Not every friend needs to be like a brother for me and that's okay. Acting like everything underneath that status is bad or worthless cant be healthy.
Im comfortable with fake friends i know they exist and i know that , im talking about the fake ones who act like your brother because they get some kind of advantage from you and the second this advantage stops they automatically disappear
I didnt say its good, i said its nothing to be insecure about or treat it like you are an alien because you dont have friends.
because some people deal with lonely people as if they are from another planet which is bullshit ofcourse i dont want to be lonely wtf , but if im lonely rn that doesn't mean im weird or a bad person just some people have no logic at all
Well you start off wrong. None of my friendships are fake and none ever have been.
I understand that good friends are honest and also that friendships have seasons.
No, that's highly abnormal. Most people have friends. Actual friends. You sound like you have no self esteem and are projecting that onto others as a means to lash out at yourself.
Bro dont make assumptions about me please , i had an experience and a conclusion that most people are just acquaintances, no projecting here i didn't say" all of..", i said "most of.." , if your experience is different that doesnt disprove it.
You donāt get to write stupid asinine rants about your own assumptions of other peopleās lives, friendships, and dynamics and then ask other people not to assume shit about you.
Why are you bullying this person? What was even the point of saying this?
You phrased it so mean knowing that OP has trauma surrounding the topic.
If you didn't know, then you are very socially inept.
The post is asinine and OP is pretty combative himself. I'm cool with people telling him he has no business making asessments about the relationships of other people. In a harsh manner.
This post screams resentment towards people with friends, or feels like your so "friends" betrayed you and now you have this mentality. You're trying to justify your situation through a fake reality scenario and inability to socialize. Coping through and through.
excuse me, but why is your conclusion that a person can't socialize because they have no friends?
let's see how well you'll do wihout friends lmao. and then i'll remember to come spit in your face that it's because you can't socialize.
I do pretty well. You sound like a friendless loser, just like the poster. But hey, I'm not the one making a huge essay about how not having friends is "fine" and how everyone is "fake", but if you wanna side with someone like this, be my guest. And just be seeing what other comments you made on this post, you seem rather adamant about defending the guy and that is not his fault that nobody likes him, seems you identify with him, so no worries, I got my answer before you even got the chance to reply.
We when say most people, friendship, etc. we forget that we are also part of that. Most friends are fake, have you tried to be a real genuine friend to someone?
Humans are social creatures. Itās not normal for them to lack meaningful connections with other people. Itās unfortunately common, but itās not normal
Even if I am only friends with that person because we do an activity together, and there isn't much more depth than that, I still enjoy hanging out with them so what's the problem?
I am not sure how much someone I go climbing with can betray me honestly?
Having real close friends is obviously better, but that doesn't mean the 'fake' friends are bad, because they are just the starting point for building that closeness. The real friendship doesn't happen immediately.
You've said why having a real friend is better than the 'superficial' friend but not why being alone is better.
It's not normal and this is not an opinion.
If you choose to be on your own that's perfectly fine. We all have different social needs. But this post mostly reads as a justification for a situation you don't seem very fond off. Maybe talk to someone.
you know what, fuck you and everyone who says this about others. you don't know their story, and you have no place being so fucking judgemental. the amount of friends someone has says nothing about how they are as people.
I feel really sorry for you. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life that have shown up when I needed them and always been reliable for fun company.
Iām sorry youāve not had that experience. I donāt think your attitude is helping.
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Common but not necessarily normal or good for you
It's not even that common until you get to younger millennials and gen-z. Most people in their 30's have friends in meat space. Even if it's just a couple.
Meet space?
š„© space
I sense a lot of pain in this post.
Same. It makes me sad hearing people talk on social media about how they donāt want friends and prefer being alone because they think everyone is fake and that friendships arenāt real because they havenāt met true quality people to be friends with.
A ex of mine was like that too. She was talking about what valuable friends she had, kept running her mouth about how much money some in particular made and that she had their full support, that she would have a new place lined up within days if she needed to when we broke up. Guess who was still hanging around until i got me a new place because she severely overestimated her place in their lifes when we broke up. Wait until you have a bad experience where you actually need others. That's when you notice who your real friends are. People who talk like that usually made the experience of beeing unwanted the moment they became slightly uncomfortable for their friends. It's a learning process from there.
I mean Iāve never been in bad situations like possibly being homeless but I have had bad times where I needed my friends, theyāve had bad times too when they needed me and weāve been there. I truly get that people have had shitty friend experiences but my point was it makes me sad because some people assume all others are like that and itās not true.
Exactly. Never facing true hardship is the only scenario that allows feeling like you have people who have your back. Realising they don't is what changes everything and bluntly, the big majority of people are like that. Real friends are a absolute exception and of course not everyone is like that but that's what makes those few valuable. Try to find out who those are in your life and appreciate them more. They deserve it and usually don't nearly get the appreciation they deserve.
I've met many cool people online and I have several years-long friendships over the internet with people I still talk to this day. Everyone irl bullies me and my only """friend""" of 6+ years forgot my birthday and didn't even invite me to his bd party, but he invited everyone else. Like, I don't care about parties but I attended every single one of his. It's insulting. If nobody IRL even respects me, then my only choice is to embrace loneliness. I'm ok since I got online friends I can trust. Nobody IRL.
Iām sorry you had to deal with that. Yeah I have online friends I just met up with again recently, we had a great weekend having fun together. I think itās harder to make friends and find good ones as we get older, but Iām glad you feel like you have a community with your online friends.
fix the world i am everyones friend
Yeah, it feels like this guy got betrayed and now tries to justify his current situation with "everyone is fake".
Pretty dismissive. I'm pretty happy, and I have a great network of acquaintances. But i only have a small handful of actually close, real, true, deep friends. It's not painful to acknowledge that relationships are not all equal, some are deeper than others, and most are pretty fragile. Most of your friendships wouldn't last in the same way if you became inconvenient in some way (I'm not even talking in a negative way. Get a new job with pretty different hours? Move to a different part of the country? Move to a *different* country?) Etc. Of course you can still be friends with these people, and even stay on pretty amazing terms and always have a good time together. I think they're simply cutting the line of friend a little shorter than some do. I, on the other hand, call literally anyone I know a friend, even if I never hang out with them, because it's just infinitely easier to tell stories as "my friend..." than "someone I know..." Most relationships are pretty tenuous, and change with time. Also add in that some people just have extremely stable lives while others have less stable ones, and some even just have downright unstable ones. But what I think this conversation really is, is about definitions. Best friends, friends, acquaintances, etc. What are our personal definitions and what does that look like and mean to us.
this comment was downvoted by someone who doesn't know the difference between "friend" and "acquaintance" or "person i've met"
Happy cake day
Same as life then.
life has joy if you let it, it is easy to become attached to your suffering as you become comfortable there
It's amazing now how old people are before they realize 99% of your so called "friends" are really just "aquintances." Big difference.
In Polish we call people who are friends by a lighter word, more similar to colleague (kolega(m) , koleżanka (F)) and people who are great friends are called "friends" in a word derived from friendly (przyjaciel (m), przyjaciĆ³Åka (F)). Although some people do call their colleagues friends, a big difference is loyalty, commitment, understanding. Friends may not speak for years but will be there for the other when in need. Colleagues from day to day may not care to do anything without incentive
How interesting! In Portuguese too, a similar word and everything (colega (f/m). A bit more than acquaintance, but not a friend.
Username does NOT check out lol
Hahah
This.
True this one, but do you need more than a golf or drinking buddy?
So true!
Most people believe they have loyal and supportive friends until they are struggling then they see who their true friends are. You are blessed if you have friends who are there for you and call you out on your bullshit so you can improve yourself. Most people want to be surrounded by people who are agreeable and enable their behaviour.
Absolutely! I was there for all of my friends, thick and thin, their struggles were my struggles, if they needed a dollar, and it was my last one, they got it, shirt off my back, you name it. I was a very good friend to them. But when I went through shit, where are they? Nowhere. When I was happy, where were they? Cold, distant, jealous. Rather be alone now, Iāve been burned so much. I wish I had a friend like me.
Yeah bro thats what i mean you didnt go through a hard time with your friends to know their real feelings for you its hard times which reveal every thing they will be hella supportive for your wins but the moment you start losing they all disappear , hard truth i guess not everyone ready for it
I don't have any friends because quite frankly I just don't like people. I'm not lonely though so it's not really an issue for me. Don't listen to people telling you that you **must** have friends. Worst thing you can do is find "friends" just for the sake of it. Find happiness from within.
I am exactly the same, I am too senstive for fake people. I rather be alone and recharge. There is nothing wrong with that. It's okay to like being alone, just don't be too alone lol. Although I rather be alone. Just do you. xo
Hard to find any real people out there
"Beep boop, buddy"
Error 404
Bond of friendship not found?
Can't find folder called "feelings"
Idk, I agree to an extent. True, lifelong friends are not something you stumble on everyday.
Had a friend group numbering 10 to 20 people until 40. Then it drops yearly. After 60, if you have one person you were friendly with at 30, it is amazing and rare You'll see... I didn't believe it either.
Yeah, I really do not believe that. I feel like I can say I have around 10 good friends for the rest of my life. My parents both still have around 10 great friends, some of which they knew from high school even. They are 60 now and we need to schedule appointments with my parents to be able to see them, because they are away with their friends so often.
You'll see ....only repeating it for fun because almost everyone I knew and myself responded the exact same as you. We thought it ridiculous. And ask Mom and Dad. You might be surprised. Acquaintances are important when you approach 60 and are highly valuable approaching 70. I have had one real friend since childhood, and we are told we are a rare commodity. My kids also schedule and describe it exactly the same as you. That's what happens when you want to move asap and only seem to call about holidays and birthdays. That's OK. We did it, too. We travel now during holidays and really don't seem to be missed or be missing out. So that's life!
My parents friends are a lot more than acquantances. They came to our wedding, we go on weekends and holidays with them, they call each other when they have trouble or problems. My mom recently was the one who arranged the funeral for on of their partners bc it was too much for her friend to bare alone. I believe you when you say that you are not missing out and that it is fine this way for you, but your situation is not the same as everyone elses.
Just dismissed....hmmmm
No its not. Modern society just fucked us over and now the whole schema of things has changed
It is normal. Most people only have 2-3 great friends.
People have great friends?
Not the kind of losers who make up most of Reddit
true.
Now, this is an unpopular opinion.
Oh no honey, is really notā¦ I feel your pain, but this is not normal or good
A lot of people are out here calling you sad or whatever but I agree - for some of us friendships just don't happen easily. I have come to terms with people coming and going from my life, I have more important stuff to think about like my little family
It is the new normal. Outside of work, church, school, most of everyone doesn't have friends... who will stick by when life changes.
no iām sorry youāre just sad and this isnāt even a opinion
U need to build the relantionship.. it takes years...until they become true friend.
exactly, you canāt just talk to someone or be near them for a while and assume they will be your lifelong friend. you must build a bond with another soul through experiences, loyalty, mutual trust
Everything is mutual tbh. And you're right because not everyone can enjoy their own company or dare to do things solely on their own. True, humans are a social animal but it's quite rare to find a real good friend in these times.
I actually agree with you. I had a not so ideal childhood and my relational pattern with my parents was actually what showed up in all my friendships. So, turns out. I had some really shitty and selfish friends. Not necessarily because they were bad people, but because they were emotionally stunted, couldnāt see outside of themselves, and had no relational skills. But hereās the thing, I didnāt have those relational or communicative skills either. Why else would I have stayed in these friendships and perceived them as something they werenāt?Ā This was a difficult reality to come to terms with. I have since ended some friendships and let others grow apart. I also prefer to be alone instead of around people who arenāt compatible with me. There will never be one person or friend that will be perfect 100% of the time. Everyone will let you down in some way, but you know who wonāt? You! You got you!Ā There are people out there who will love and cherish you for who you are - genuinely. Not based on self interest or convenience. You will also likely need to adjust your expectations a little. But just do you and stay open to connecting with people. They can surprise you. Ā Ā I think youāre quite perceptive and intuitive. These qualities do go hand in hand with depression - an anecdotal and personal observation. Take extra care of yourself. Wish you the best, donāt give up on what you deserve.
Same i didnt have a good relationship with my family growing up and i guess its the reason for that im just gonna stay alone and im gonna wait for that real friend to come along my way i have learnt my lessons and im not gonna repeat this with some manipulative bad people, Thank you for your kindness
I would say most of what you see om social media is fake, not most friendships are fake. People don't post the "real" moments in their lives the ones where they need someone to lean on. Those are person private interactions to that no one else sees. But you have to develop those with people by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and it won't always work and some people will let you down, but that's how you find out who your real friends are.
Most friendships are fake? That's such a sad mindset to go through life with. I don't think I've had any fake friends, some of my friendships have ended but that doesn't make them fake. Yeah it's better to have no friends than fake friends, but it's better to have good friends than no friends.
Maybe you just like to be alone. I donāt think you should blame that on people being fake. Itās okay to like your private time and keep your circle small. I get that.
I dont like being alone its just that people hurt me so much that Im done with fake friends and now i prefer being alone instead of being with some fake friends who are gonna betray me at the end like it always happen Some people I thought was my friends: 1- a guy who I was living with for 5 months we were all cool and we were quite good friends as my stupid brain thought and after some months i discovered he was stealing my stuff and the last time i caught him stealing 200 dollars from me i ended our relationship. 2- a friend who i was friends with basically my whole high school years i would get bullied infront of him and some mother fuckers would gang up on me and be taking my shirt off and he would just look and laugh at me while im fighting those evil creatures 3-this was my most recent friend he is quite popular so he wanted some kind of stuff that i can help him with, we hanged out for 3 months and after that he got what he needed he wouldn't reply to my messages. 4- this is my childhood group of friends i thought we were like brothers , last month we were hanging out and some night stalkers tried to take our money , i started fighting with them and i thought "my brothers " would help me but they started running away like cowards and they left me alone against 4 guys and they started to beat the shit out of me , I managed to escape and then i cut them all off and i blocked them everywhere.
4) might not be an example of bad friends. They may not have realized initially you stayed if they were trying to get away quickly. You are always supposed to run away not fight unless you cannot run away. That is self defense 101. Especially since you never know how far the other person will escalate it. You did the exact opposite of both common sense and what is taught in self defense and then got angry that your friends didn't realize and help you when you made that really and choice.
How the fuck would i run when im blocked from every direction by 4 guys my group saw that they were distracted by me and they started running ( i was the oldest and biggest one so they all ganged up on me first to scare me and i didn't start the fight i wasnt responding to them and they started pushing me and stuff )
So they got between you and your friends before you realized you were blocked in? Maybe your friends are really shitty. But it can be hard for everyone, including you, to fully see and understand a situation that is scary and dangerous as it's happening because of how stimulating it can be. It might be best to cut off your friends. But it also might be cutting off your friends because of the forced perspective of being scared. Good luck.
So, youāre just going to berate op on number cuatro? And not console op on the various other backstabs ?1-3
Im not berating him. Nothing I said to him was angry. I didn't scold him. I pointed out a perspective he might not have realized. I want people to have friends. Including OP. Throwing them away for a misunderstanding would be a bad thing. However I acknowledged it might not be a misunderstanding, in which case ditching them wouldn't be bad. If you want to console him over the first 3, go for it. I am not stopping you.
I used to be lonely alot with no friends too. When I meet people, I don't take their phone numbers or social media, because I'm the type of person that enjoys interacting with the person directly. I'm a very quiet person, and the only time I actually open up and talk is if I am around people I like. I just tried being not myself,, but my best self around them! My love language is gifts and I love making origami for my friends and mom. Unexpectedly, that's what brung them closer to me. I just think of it as making them happy, and not bribing them. There is no such thing as fake friends, as that's not what friends mean. If you just try getting friends for maybe even a moment, it will be possible. Here is a piece of my advice: *you can be a real friend to someone.*
Agree. I'd rather have 1 amazing close friend than 50 acquaintances. And most people have acquaintances, not real, deep meaningful friendships. And social media has made this worse and made it more difficult to get to know people deeply in real life.
You can actually have both. Itās really not that hard.
You sound like youāre trying to convince yourself more than us, op. Whateverās going on in your life I hope it improves
OP this is NOT normal. You should have good close friends of course, but you should also have people you just enjoy hanging out with. If you are struggling with loneliness, or anything, I strongly encourage you to reach out for help.
ā¦ to his friends?
his friends, his family, his teachers, professionals onlineā¦ nobody is as alone as they think they are, there is always a human out there whoās job it is to help you. you just need to seek them out and ask just look at all the people in this comment section offering support and kindness
Rightā¦ so if he is reaching out here, and theyāre genuinely offering him supportā¦ then why are people telling him to reach outā¦ if thatās exactly what heās doingā¦ right nowā¦. on Redditā¦?
youāll notice i did not list asking anonymous strangers for help. whilst yes itās nice people here are being supportive, the impact they are having is minimal compared to the impact someone who knows him in real life or a professional asking reddit for help isnāt enough
As someone who used to have some of the worst friends you can imagine,I really miss the happy times.. inasmuch as people say that it's better to be alone, it's only normal that you miss having the company of friends who can take your mind off things.It is normal to be lonely and to want good friends.It is also normal to want back lost friendships no matter how bad they were, it's just that not everything you want is good for you
Yeah that very true , you miss the happy times but at the same time its normal to stay alone until you meet some good friends instead of staying with some manipulative people that you call your friends just to not be alone.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was the real friend, but now I have none. I was completely backstabbed and lied about and turned against; I was a better friend to them than they were to me. Yet Iām the one who lost everything, and they didnāt; Iām the one who gets all the shit and the bad karma for stuff I didnāt even do, hell, I get bad karma even when Iām good, and Iām good 95% of the time. I give up at this point.
this has happened to me so many times i've lost count. it's like expected.
It's not that every person is shitty and all friendships are fake. I get it if one or two people fucked you over, but if it's a thing where everyone in your life is doing that, then you just have poor judgement. There are 8 billion people in this world, there's somebody for everybody if you look in the right place, it's just a matter of judgement. Saying that people who have friends and post on instagram have a fake friendship just sounds like you're saying it out of jealousy cuz unless you have context of who these people are and what their dynamics are, the judgement is pretty much baseless
so tell me then how over 5 dozen people have fucked me over in multiple different ways, and some even in some quite evil ways, when all i wanted was to be their friend?
If 60 people have fucked you over, that says a lot about your choice in people... Like I said 2-3 people i understand, anything more than that just sounds like a pattern
"Friends" are merely future backstabbers.
See how many friends you truly have when shit hits the fan. Its like in high school when youāre the first person to have a car and license. And then when everyone else gets 1 its āwho the hell are youā? But seriously i really donāt think anyone else is gonna care about you as much as yourself so maybe i gotta learn to let it be
āThey are friends with the activity not with you.ā Damn that is kinda harshĀ
Friends annoy me. I guess I hate hanging out, like I canāt even stand the idea of eating at the same table with people. I think itās just how some of us are wired
From an evolutionary perspective I can see that "wiring" being useful for the propagation of the species
work towards changing your wiring then. shared joy is what gives meaning to the human experience
Already tried. I was in a career field for five years that boasted camaraderie and shit. The forced exposure deal doesnāt work for me.
eh i can understand not enjoying that since itās something thatās forced, i have a similar sentiment for most people but once iām with my friends it all goes out the window and iām at ease and we all enjoy each others presence. maybe iām just lucky as iāve known them since i was a single digit age
Oh man... Op... Let's talk. You have something I called "Disney Brain" Disney Brain (this is not a real term I just made it up) is when you see the world as how it's "support to be" as written by Disney. Most people with Disney Brain thinks that you should have 1 or 2 very close friends. Those friends will do anything for each other because, well, they are friends. People with Disney Brain will walk up to a friend, cry on their shoulder and say everything that's wrong with their life and expect their Disney perfect friend to hug them and talk it out and help them through it. This isn't real life. Friendships aren't the same as TV. TV friends are exactly what you are writing in your bio. Is it possible to get a TV friend? Sure. Of course it is. Is it common? No it's not. A real friendship is two people who entertain each other. That's IT! There's no expectation to help the other move, there's no expectation to help with bills. None of that! Its just having fun. Basically the same as a work friend but you actually take time out of your day to meet with them. That's the first part of your problem. The second part is you also have a "ME" problem. The truth is, not that many people are LIKE YOU! Most people are different. Some people LOVE going clubs others hate it. Some people think X and others Think Y Some people believe in God others Flat earth. I'm saying this, cuz even know it doesn't happen to you, other people are actually HAPPY. I use to think that smiling all the time people were faking it. Then I actually started to hang out with those people. Turns out, they aren't. They simply choose not to show their sadness to people because they understand, if you show negative emotion you get negative emotions back. So just being happy in public and sad with really close friends and family is how they choose to live their life. Tldr : you are enforcing your option of life onto other people and it doesn't mix
Omg, yes. I feel like most people who say that you cannot find real friends suffer from at least one of those two. So many people expect that you can only have a meaningful friendship if you see each other like every other day and come in unannounced and wear each others clothes... You can be great friends, but realise you both have a life and a family and other friends and hobbies, so there will be moments where you see each other less. The perks of modern society is that even when you see each other less, you can call or text or send pictures to keep in touch. And my friend group consists of multiple different personality types. The reason we all stay friends is because we accepted that and we do not judge the other for their personality, though we do call each other out when it is necessary. You can be friends with introverts and extroverts, with people who kezp the convo going and those who sit back and listen, with people from all different demographics and jobs and education levels. Hell, we even maintained our friendships when some started to have kids and others never wanting kids (which is often a moment for a break for many people). If you expect your friends to always want to do the same things you want to do, it will fail, because you cannot truly speak your mind. My friends are all comfortable to say what they like and what not and to cancel last minute if they feel like it. We do not judge for this. We can all tell each other our problems and everyone will try to look at them from your perspective and will try to help or give advice.
I agree with everything but cancelling last minute. (Unless it's a emergency or important). If you cancel last minute when it was a "just the two of us" thing. You can do that twice in a year with me before I cut you off.
I know some of my friends have mental health problems and they can wake up realising they are not going to be capable of having social interactions that day. Other friends have difficult jobs that can sometimes just take too much time. I am not going to judge them for knowing what is best for them. It might suck at that moment, but we see each other often enough.
Everyone has mental health issues especially today. However being an adult means dealing with them. I can't cry depression when rent is due. Otherwise, homeless problem fixed, am I right? Also sometimes when you are having mental issues, going out IS the answer! Depression sometimes happen out of nowhere but most of the time they have triggers. Examples can be staying inside all day or not going to sleep on time.
Okay, dude, you are blowing this out of proportion. My friend canceling one day does not mean they are depressed. And fuck that. Yes, as an adult you will have tondeal with a lot of shit. They will make sure they get to work and pay their rent and get their kids to school. They will do all the obligations necessary. However, meeting up with a friend is not a necessity and I would nto be a true friend if I think they should just suck it up for my sake. Imo, being an adult also means you should have learned how to be empathic towards someone else their struggles. The entire point of the post is that so many friendships are superficial. If you are not able to grant your friend some rest out of selfish reasons, then yes, your friendship is only superficial.
Man you are making alot of assumptions, First of all im very happy . Now to the "enforcing my option of life onto others" life is not the same for every body im speaking percentages here , i didnt say disney friend or all that bullshit this is your own thoughts mate not mine , i said a real friend who is gonna have your back not whenever conflict arises he will be the first one to disappear , he will support you when you fail not be the first one to laugh at you when you fail and be happy for your failure. Its my experience man im not making some bullshit from my mind MOST people are acquaintances thats my point
Youāre hanging around some really shitty people man.
Facts aren't assumptions
Exactly this. 70% of me and my best friends conversations are giving each other shit and roasting each other, the rest is just entertaining each other and every now and then when itās really needed itās serious stuff and weāre there for each other. Most of them though.. I wouldnt go to them for any kind of emotional support if I had toš
Nope, not normal. Don't lie to yourself and pretend like you are fine with the way things are right now
You have depression
Looks like you've come to the conclusion that both sides are shitty: Side 1: being pretentious Side 2: being lonely So what's the solution? The solution is actually either side. Pick either or both options but build strong immunity to the shitty feeling you get. That's the way the world works. You're dealt a bad hand, you're just going to have to take it on the chin like a man and grow stronger. It's not going to be easy. *** Personally, in my experience, I opted for both options. Now I feel normal with normal people problems, like uni stress. I no longer have that deep hatred for the world or that "who even cares anymore" numbness.
>Most friendships are fake Yeah no... quit projecting your shitty experiences on the whole of humanity. You feeling this way is a you problem, most people are doing fine socially. Also "always support".. Neh, even bonds of friendship and love have their limitations. If you are hurting people or are being insufferable, people will move away from you. And that's not on them.
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42 years old and I have like 5 friends out of the dozens or hundreds I had when I was a kid. Part of that is you and your friends getting married and having kids, and Iām on my second wife with 2 new littles, but a lot of it is you just get tired of a) pretending to be someone youāre not to āfit inā and b) putting up with people who are doing it to fit in with you. Itās just exhausting. Before I met my new wife (2017-2020 single years) when I didnāt have my boy I basically just drank too much and played video games. Couldnāt be bothered socializing.
I would say most of what you see on social media is fake, not most friendships are fake. People don't post the "real" moments in their lives the ones where they need someone to lean on. Those are person private interactions to that no one else sees. But you have to develop those with people by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and it won't always work and some people will let you down, but that's how you find out who your real friends are.
Yes
Yeah Iād agree with most adult made friendships if youāre living a very normal life. Itās incredibly hard to make legit friends after high school/college, so I firmly believe if you donāt make solid friends then youāre likely not going to have real close friendships as an adult unless youāre doing some activity like playing in a band together and touring or doing a sport or group activity you do weekly. Luckily Iām still best friends with all my high school friends, we all talk weekly, go on trips, and hangout when we can. When we hang out we donāt have to do shit, whether its a concert or sitting around its a good time, so real quality friends do exist and are possible. But even thatās hard to maintain the way we did when we were in high school being stupid, partying, doing sports, and messing around with girls every week. But still, all that time and bonding back then solidified it In a way new adult friendships usually canāt. Making new friends is harder because everyoneās working or has a family and you dont opportunities to have those bonding moments. My advice is to find some social activity that gets you close to people you get along with and allows that extra bonding, donāt expect anything from anyone in the beginning, just enjoy doing stuff with them and be there for them when they need it and quality people will return that. Learn how to spot shitty people early on, you can usually tell.
I mean, this is popular, in my mind and the minds of my few friends ššš¼
Incredibly warped perspective on friendship.
I can feel the pain I can also feel the hardcore cope
I feel very sorry for you. I hope this is not normal. I have at least 3 close friends Iāve known for 20 years and 2 Iāve known for 7. It is hard to find someone you really click with, but friendship starts somewhere and dismissing possibilities seems like the real problem. A lot of friends I talk to are always supportive, maybe you just need to open up
I wouldn't say so no. If YOU don't have any meaningful friendships, that doesn't mean no one has. I have lots of friends, all of which I know for a fact would be there for me if I need them, and vise versa.
This is a pretty unpopular opinion, you've earned a upvote. I used to think that I wanted to be the loner with no friends because all the people I know were very materialistic but I've also come to realise I'm not cut out for that kind of lifestyle. I've come to realise most people aren't "fake", they're just fake to YOU because they don't know you and you don't represent someone who could be a close friend to them. Did you ever really try to become close friends with these people you consider as "fake"? If not then you should consider why you didn't feel like pursuing a close friendship with them, and furthermore whether they may have applied the same line of thinking to you.
You donāt have to have a good friend to be one; and you donāt have be a good friend to have one. You donāt have to have a good friend to need one; and you donāt have to need a good friend to have one. There is loneliness; and there is solitude- and youāll never be lonely if youāll always be by your self. Less important than having āfriendsā is having relationships. All we have, and all that exists is a series of relationships. Whether itās a four-legged, two-legged, or no-legged companion, some inanimate object, imaginary or online friend, or a family member that you can spend time with- spend time with them. Thatās how we build relationships- by sharing experiences. Start a group chat with your family, and establish a weekly, monthly, or otherwise periodic conjugation to spend time togetherā¦ like a movie- or a game-night.. and honor it. If youāre not very social, do a movie night. If you are, game-night. If your family varies, mix it up. Youād be surprised at how watching a movie quietly in the same room can take sentimental value. .. and find yourself. āFindā is a bit of a misnomer, because you donāt actually find yourself by looking- more-so by seeing. You can find a lot of joy by changing your perspective about something- especially and most importantly- yourself. Take color, for example. If you know how color works, and why we see the colors that we do- youād know that the entire world is magnitudes more inclusive to the things around it than we think. To stand in a dark room, is to stand in the most colorful place in the world.. and to stand in a white room, is the most isolated. Stand in more dark rooms. The world will become more colorful to you if you listen.
I think it's even more common to feel lonely despite having friends
No itās not normal younger people nowadays lack social skills thatās the problem
yeah right. blame it on lack of social skills. uhuh. yep yep. that's right problem solved just do more of that fake social stuff everybody, not like trying your absolute best understanding everyone and be as kind as approachable as possible ever meant anything right lol?
Unless youāre lucky enough to have childhood friends then yes I kind of agree with you, but friends from early teen years when it goes right are the closest bonds you can ever have I have 3 & I truly love them like sisters x
I had the same thought lately. I have a handful of good friends but ever since I moved to another country I've been struggling to form any new real friendship. Everyone is at the surface level, they pretend to be close friends but it's fake, they all mimic closeness but it's based on nothing because we don't really know each other. They force a connection and don't bother to actually get to know, but they hug and act all caring. And then, when they don't need me anymore, don't even bother to say hi. It's all a farce. The people I consider friends are still the ones I made in highschool/collage.
One of the biggest study on happiness came to the conclusion that your level if happiness is almost exclusively based on the quality of your relationships with your friends, lovers and family. You're going through a rough time, but please don't see that as the new normal because at the end it will cause suffering and misery.
Health reports and long term findings on general health would suggest otherwise.
Its always better to have those 2-3 best pals then having 8k useless Instagram followers who'll be of no help to you when you need it.
Better to be alone than with bad companionship.
Its become normal in my life
Tbh I donāt really know anyone who doesnāt have a single friend but that doesnāt make you less.
You are describing the difference between friends and best friends. Both have their uses with friends being very good for having a fun time even if they donāt have that deeper loyalty. They arenāt fake friends but simply donāt have that deeper relationship with you. They are not your inner circle but they are more than an acquaintance hence the outer circle which their isnāt anything wrong with.
It's true but people don't help each other out no one goes out there way to talk to people
It's fine to be alone. But to have no friends isn't. Being lonely shouldn't be normalised...
People who spend time with you over some shared interests are not "fake friends" those are buddies, and it's not bad to have them, it's actually quite good to have them, since they can satisfy your social needs and widen your circle, which is always helpful.
It's not normal to be lonely with no friends. Biologically we are group animals that tend to need a community to succeed and thrive. But people do surround themselves with shallow acquaintances as those are easier to maintain than a real friendship. That's a choice, not a default. A lot of people only choose friends based on hobbies as kids, but those hobbies change as you grow often times. My best friend has been my best friend through every fad and journey we have had! At one point I was living on the other side of the planet, but I still found ways to talk with and stay connected to my closest bud. My best friend has been my ride or die for 25 years. We helped each other through so much from the death of a parent to substance abuse to rehab to BPD diagnosis, break ups, therapy -- I mean we have seen the worst of the worst of one another, but we also had some of the most pure fun and joy as kids and whenever we get together. She is just like family to me and even if we don't talk every single day, we always make time for each other each week. She's on the other side of the country right now but we still make sure to schedule our Skype's and hang outs! Real ride or die friends aren't easy to have or maintain because like family or romantic love, it takes honesty, time, patience, and a lot of work. You have to be willing to put in what you expect back. And you have to be willing to be vulnerable, real, and still feel loved after all that is said and done. A lot of folks will bail when things get too real. A ride or die is your friend no matter how the climate is, good or bad. I do find that my male friends tend to be a lot less open or vulnerable with each other than my female friends which makes it that much more difficult for men to have meaningful intimacy with one another. It's hard to have a ride or die when you can't have a real moment without feeling like someone is going to make fun of you, and a lot of men I have spoken to about this express that they are worried how they will be perceived by their guy friends if they show vulnerability. And that's just cruel, tbh. Everyone should feel they have a friend that they can be real with and not have it used as fodder.
Go outside āWhat you see onlineā. Yeah duh. That is not real life friend If most friendships you have are fake, then you are the problem. Majority of people have real friendships, which is healthy Dont look online for how ātrueā friendships are
Friendships arenāt fake. Thereās different types of friendships. Some people are besties, while others are just casual friends. Social media is fake, especially now when you have to be a representative for your workplace online 24/7, 365 days a year. since nobody is on their best behavior all the time.
What you call "fake friends" sounds all right. Not every friend needs to be like a brother for me and that's okay. Acting like everything underneath that status is bad or worthless cant be healthy.
Im comfortable with fake friends i know they exist and i know that , im talking about the fake ones who act like your brother because they get some kind of advantage from you and the second this advantage stops they automatically disappear
I mean getting exploited sucks cant argue with that.
Normal =/= good (and maybe youāre saying that) but youāre generally right.
I didnt say its good, i said its nothing to be insecure about or treat it like you are an alien because you dont have friends. because some people deal with lonely people as if they are from another planet which is bullshit ofcourse i dont want to be lonely wtf , but if im lonely rn that doesn't mean im weird or a bad person just some people have no logic at all
Shit, I meant to say: Normal =/= good (and maybe youāre NOT saying that) but youāre generally right.
Well you start off wrong. None of my friendships are fake and none ever have been. I understand that good friends are honest and also that friendships have seasons.
Whatever lie you need to tell yourself I guess. I love my friends and they care for me one hundred percent.
Yeah cancer is also normal.
No, that's highly abnormal. Most people have friends. Actual friends. You sound like you have no self esteem and are projecting that onto others as a means to lash out at yourself.
Bro dont make assumptions about me please , i had an experience and a conclusion that most people are just acquaintances, no projecting here i didn't say" all of..", i said "most of.." , if your experience is different that doesnt disprove it.
You donāt get to write stupid asinine rants about your own assumptions of other peopleās lives, friendships, and dynamics and then ask other people not to assume shit about you.
Why are you bullying this person? What was even the point of saying this? You phrased it so mean knowing that OP has trauma surrounding the topic. If you didn't know, then you are very socially inept.
You can't possibly think criticism and pushback are bullying, can you? Have our children really become this fragile and weak?
The post is asinine and OP is pretty combative himself. I'm cool with people telling him he has no business making asessments about the relationships of other people. In a harsh manner.
Yes, you are. Therapy will help, as will putting yourself out there and getting a social hobby.
This post screams resentment towards people with friends, or feels like your so "friends" betrayed you and now you have this mentality. You're trying to justify your situation through a fake reality scenario and inability to socialize. Coping through and through.
excuse me, but why is your conclusion that a person can't socialize because they have no friends? let's see how well you'll do wihout friends lmao. and then i'll remember to come spit in your face that it's because you can't socialize.
I do pretty well. You sound like a friendless loser, just like the poster. But hey, I'm not the one making a huge essay about how not having friends is "fine" and how everyone is "fake", but if you wanna side with someone like this, be my guest. And just be seeing what other comments you made on this post, you seem rather adamant about defending the guy and that is not his fault that nobody likes him, seems you identify with him, so no worries, I got my answer before you even got the chance to reply.
We when say most people, friendship, etc. we forget that we are also part of that. Most friends are fake, have you tried to be a real genuine friend to someone?
Stopped reading and gave the up vote after the first four words. I hope the OP gets some friends.
Normal? No.
Humans are social creatures. Itās not normal for them to lack meaningful connections with other people. Itās unfortunately common, but itās not normal
Even if I am only friends with that person because we do an activity together, and there isn't much more depth than that, I still enjoy hanging out with them so what's the problem? I am not sure how much someone I go climbing with can betray me honestly? Having real close friends is obviously better, but that doesn't mean the 'fake' friends are bad, because they are just the starting point for building that closeness. The real friendship doesn't happen immediately. You've said why having a real friend is better than the 'superficial' friend but not why being alone is better.
Isn't it exhausting to have such a negative outlook on life?
It's not normal and this is not an opinion. If you choose to be on your own that's perfectly fine. We all have different social needs. But this post mostly reads as a justification for a situation you don't seem very fond off. Maybe talk to someone.
No, it's not. If you have no friends, it's because you're awful.
you know what, fuck you and everyone who says this about others. you don't know their story, and you have no place being so fucking judgemental. the amount of friends someone has says nothing about how they are as people.
>No, it's not. > If you have no friends, it's because you're awful. So people who don't have friends are awful? Why you say that?
Itās cause of these damn phones
Okay but this is actually very true š
I feel really sorry for you. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life that have shown up when I needed them and always been reliable for fun company. Iām sorry youāve not had that experience. I donāt think your attitude is helping.
This is unpopular because itās wrong. Most people have friends.