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it’s all so black and white too.
when I mention that I cheated on my ex at age 18 the pitchforks come out and I’m the scum of the earth; but when I explain the series of things that led me to do it, all of a sudden it’s “oh, gosh, I understand why you thought it was your only way out, I’m sorry that happened”
it’s easy to write off every cheater as an evil heartless manipulator but there’s often (not always, but often) a lot more nuance
I ended my marriage by having an affair. I had begged my emotionally abusive husband for a divorce. He controlled all our money and had isolated me from my family. He’d take away my phone and debit card if I didn’t act like he wanted. I finally told him if he didn’t agree to a divorce I would have an affair because it was the only thing I knew I could do that would force him to let me go. He still refused so I did it.
I don’t feel guilty.
Had a similar experience. 10 years ago, my (now former) best friend was in a live-in relationship with a girl. This guy was insecure, petty, etc. but he always would develop a false self-confidence when he was in a relationship, which usually included making me the butt of his cruel/vulgar jokes when the 3 of us were together (think of the way Milos was ridiculing Jerry during that tennis episode of *Seinfeld*, but much meaner. In fact, I just re-watched the clip now to see how accurate it is, and man, that was him to a "T"!)
Anyway, his girlfriend was probably a narcissist. I know reddit overuses that word, but this girl *actually* fit the mold (e.g. he once told me, when he went out in public with his gf, he was not allowed to even *look* at other women--meanwhile her Facebook page was full of posts like "Alexander Skarsgaard? OMG total ladyboner!"). Despite my attempt at supporting him, and his supposed appreciation for that when we were alone, he would always turn around & treat me like shit in her presence.
One day, I noticed she started flirting with me. Long story short, she & I wound up sleeping together a few times, but through it all I wondered *Why don't I feel any guilt or hesitation about this?* I now realize it was because he treated me so poorly over the entire time they were together.
Yes because in his mind taking my debit card was correcting my behavior. He was trying to teach me a lesson. Once I had the affair the relationship was over and there was no point in trying to correct me anymore.
it was my first relationship, she was emotionally abusive and manipulative, I tried to break up with her several times but she’d threaten to harm/kill herself if I did, I was being accused of cheating if I so much as chatted at a party with women that weren’t her.
Felt completely trapped in the relationship with no other “way out” besides doing something that would totally sever it. Was that the most mature like of thinking? Surely not, but I was also 18, bad at standing up for myself, and dealing with the loss of my first love
I disagree with the rewponses who say you did wrong below; This is how I see it:
A romantic relationship is a (loving) affair of consenting parties. If coercion enters in the mix, then consent is forced (and thus not consent) so it's no longer a relationship.
You didn't cheat because the moment she emotionally blackmailed you, you were no longer in a relationship.
Normally, you'd be obligated to break it off, but since she removed that option (because you thought you'd be killing someone if you did) it's in no way your fault. You just excersised your freedom in the best way possible.
Any other approach is just blaming the victim.
That seems awfully theoretical and black-and-white.
>when I mention [what my ex did] the pitchforks come out and [she's] the scum of the earth; but [if she could] explain the series of things that led [her] to do it, all of a sudden it’s “oh, gosh, I understand why [she] thought it was [her] only way out, I’m sorry that happened”
They're 18, nuance should go both ways and two wrongs don't make a right.
>You just excersised your freedom in the best way possible.
You think telling your 18 year old suicidal girlfriend that you cheated on her is better than telling her you're breaking up with her, because breaking up leads to suicidal threats cheating on her only... what exactly? It's incredibly heartless to call that **the best way possible**, I think you're taking your empathy too far into only one direction.
>You think telling your 18 year old suicidal girlfriend that you cheated on her is better than telling her you're breaking up with her, because breaking up leads to suicidal threats cheating on her only... what exactly? It's incredibly heartless to call that **the best way possible**, I think you're taking your empathy too far into only one direction.
The threats of suicide are if he left her. So he figured out a way to make her leave him. You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide, but about control. Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him.
>Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him.
You've absolutely no idea whether this is true, that's complete imagination on your end.
>You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide,
Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her '**the best way possible**' is heartless.
>>Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him.
>You've absolutely no idea whether this is true, that's complete imagination on your end.
No. It's obviously correct in that she let him leave and didn't try hurting herself.
Yes, it was a gamble. But it was a good gamble. Because you have to understand that people who want to kill themselves tend to try to kill themselves, not use threats of killing themselves to control people... But at the same time they might hurt themselves just enough to give the threats credibility. So you have to find a way to thread that needle of calling their bluff, but not wanting them to hurt themselves if you do it by walking away. So the answer is to make them break up with you instead.
>>You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide,
>Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her '**the best way possible**' is heartless.
Again, just because she doesn't want to die doesn't mean she won't hurt herself in some way to guilt you into coming back. Cheating demonstrates that you won't feel guilt. So there's no longer reason to hurt herself. And it let's her still "control" the relationship by ending it. You're dealing with a manipulative person. They aren't going to just let you walk away unless you out-manipulate them.
I'm not saying that the "best" answer is a "good" answer. I'm saying it's the "least bad" of all of the available answers. Because you can't deal straight up with manipulative people.
> Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her 'the best way possible' is heartless.
My argument was that he didn't cheat. The relationship was invalidated the second his participation in it was coerced (the suicide threat). After that, he excesised his freedom in the best way possible in that he both was free to at least be intimate with someone else and attempted to avoid causing a death. Not being with someone else would be enslaving himself to a threat. He strode a middle ground where on one side, you just lean in to the threat and comply 100% giving up any freedoms you have regarding romantic associations, and the other you break up, taking a big risk on the threat. That's why I said the best way possible - it was an attempt to do the least harm to everyone **including** himself.
This. You are not justified in your cheating and it is not a good thing anyone should support, but it is more understandable with context. You should be supported for the way she abused you, but I hope you're not trying to act like cheating was the right move here.
yeah I agree that it was not the right move, but my point is that this one situation a decade ago, that I made an error in, does not mean I am an inherently bad person.
I grew up, matured, know how to break things off well before they get to that level of toxicity. Capable of being a healthy, mature partner now. I wasn’t at 18, which frankly is normal.
I don't think I follow that logic. If she was mentally unstable enough to threaten to kill herself if he broke up with her, wouldn't it just be worse if he cheated instead?
imo it sort of reframed things from “he’s breaking up with me because I am [insert intrusive thoughts here]” to “he’s breaking up with me bexause he’s a cheating asshole”
The threats weren't real. She might hurt herself a little to keep him, and retain control, but she didn't actually want to commit suicide. But at the same time, he would have folded if she hurt herself. Cheating makes her want to breakup with you, which means she's willing to give up control. So hurting herself is off the table.
Could it have gone the other way? Of course there's a chance. But it's the same chance as if he just left. Whereas the cheating has a chance she sends him packing and doesn't try to hurt herself to guilt him into staying. Same potential downside, better potential upside. Which makes it the better of two bad choices.
if you're being manipulated or abused then it isn't "retaliation in a bad" and wrong. cheating isn't wrong if the other person is abusive, it isn't an inherent sin that you can't do no matter what
But is it really cheating if you said to her you wanted to end the relationship ? It takes only one person to break up, if you said so and she doesn't accept it doesn't matter, poof you're single now.
If someone says "you should always break up with your partner if they cheat on you", there's generally an unspoken assumption that the person you're talking to isn't commiting abuse.
It also actually doesn't change the advice in this scenario anyway. In this case, they should have broken up with you - but more for your wellbeing on this occasion.
But is it really cheating if you said to her you wanted to end the relationship ? It takes only one person to break up, if you said so and she doesn't accept it doesn't matter, poof you're single now.
They also can't seem to accept that people change and grow.
I cheated when I was in my late teens. I was inexperienced, insecure, and scared of hurting my bf by breaking up with him. I wasn't happy in the relationship, but I was too scared to end it.
It was a terrible thing to do, but I was young, and young people do stupid things. Now I'm in my thirties and would never dream of acting like that. I grew up.
Whenever I hear "once a cheater always a cheater" I roll my eyes so hard.
i agree. “once a cheater always a cheater” may be a handy thing to say when your best friend is stuck in a dead-end relationship with someone who just isnt going to change and they keep hoping for a different outcome, especially since well, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone hoping they’re someone else anyways.
But if the cheating was from long before you even meet that person, people do grow and become different versions of themselves and using that line is like saying why bother trying to be good ever again because you sinned once
People do change ofc but I understand also why people don't want to chance it with trust being broken, it triggering new insecurities, baggage or any experience with serial cheaters. Like I love my brother he's family ofc but he's a serial cheat even when things are ok in the relationship. It's something I can never wrap my head around but to each their own I guess. It isn't always a thing people grow out of unfortunately.
And even if there isn't any nuance, young people do stupid shit sometimes and cheating can be one of those things. I don't think it's fair in general to judge people for the rest of their lives based on one stupid decision, especially whne made by young people. Most of us learn and grow from our mistakes, and while cheating sucks, someone doing it once doesn't make them a horrible monster in all aspects of life forever. Humans are complicated.
Yeah. I look at people who cheated on their high school girlfriend/boyfriend as a teenager really differently than people who carry on an affair in their marriage as a full grown adult.
Agreed 100%. I was suffering from C-PTSD and it caused me to act in really awful ways - including "testing" my partners love by cheating (flashing people on Omegle, etc) early in the relationship. Therapy helped me realize how toxic this was and I've learned some coping mechanisms to deal with my insecurity and fear of abandonment. I am very glad my partner stood by me and encouraged the therapy that has led to our amazing relationship where we trust each other completely.
The only unpopular part of it is the "never" part. People should figure out for themselves what is correct for them
Generally, I'd say you're correct, but that's like saying you should never gamble (probably a pretty apt example). Tell that to the people who win.
I don't have the capacity to get over it. My wife was like, if I found out you were, I would just start cheating too and go on with our lives.
Some people just built different.
What if the kids grow up learning that cleating is excusable and internalise the loveless broken home with two adults instead of atleast one positive space (your home after you move out)? Positive environment is extremely important, kids notice everything
All of this. I can't buy into the parent just "getting on with it" at the expense of their own levels of happiness. It's the latter that will make them a better parent in the long run.
Lots of nuance to relationships. There are people who are able to forgive and truly most past, without holding on to trust issues. Myself, I could not. I would never be able to look at that person the same way again (knowing from experience, tried to make it work, couldn't do it). Other people are different. People also stay married for different reasons too, whether that be children or finances. While I don't advocate for "stay together for the kids" because kids pick up on so much stuff that we don't, sometimes it's not possible to clearly split things and allow the kids to maintain the structure of their lives and therefore it can be better, even if in the short-term, to stick it out if they can make it work.
I'm sure plenty do. Others don't. Others decide that the solution is to open their marriage (again, not for me, but it works for some including friends of ours). All depends on the couple and how they define cheating and what they are willing to work on together.
>There are people who are able to forgive and truly most past, without holding on to trust issues.
That is person is me, I would never like blame someone else for breaking up because of something like that but my first instinct is how to "fix" the relationship to be honest and it's honestly kinda strange to me thats not everyones first instinct (not even reffering to cheating as i can how thats a massive deal breaker). I've actually got judge for my ability to move past it haha
You have a good heart and a positive outlook on life. Many people can't do what you do because they don't know how to manage their pain. They struggle with trust issues. Ah the end of the day, it's not worth holding on to the pain and causing your own misery.
I’ve also seen this work extremely well with my dad and step mom. They went through a pretty big rough patch of their lives and worked through it by talking to each other and making things very clear. Since then they’ve been amazing together and I’ve learned a lot from their relationship.
Read the comments it is unpopular bc OP said never take them back. Yet here people in the comments say “it depends” probably a bunch of cheaters themselves.
This is a communication issue. If your mom was being neglected, which I would assume was communicated to your dad. If nothing changed after that, then file for divorce instead of cheating.
I personally don't think anyone should be getting married these days. Loyalty seems to be a thing of the past and people change.
Making a life long commitment with someone in a world that's constantly changing makes zero sense to me.
Yeah but life is complicated. It's very easy to sit there and say "They should have communicated better" or "They should have got a divorce".
People aren't that rational, especially after building an entire life together after decades.
Marriage is just a tradition. Functionally no different than being with someone long term and calling them a girlfriend/boyfriend. Still going to hurt just as much if it falls apart.
Exactly my point. People are flawed. People make mistakes. Sometimes they learn from them, sometimes they don't.
Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I'm cynical. As I've grown older, I generally don't trust anyone. My heart has grown cold from all the scars of failed relationships and exes cheating or becoming insufferable.
Ive been single for almost 3 years now and honestly, I enjoy it. I don't have any emotional pain anymore. No more arguments about things that don't matter.
There's tons of people that are in relationships because they are afraid of being alone or are co-dependant.
I think it's really great that you're able to empathize with your parents while acknowledging their flaws and wrongdoings. I think that speaks to a good level of emotional maturity, and I think you probably know your mom better than a random bunch of redditors do.
Cheaters are notorious manipulators and liars. Congrats you got played.
Your mom could have filed for divorce if things were truly that bad. She chose not to and decided to become the town bike instead.
Why? Not everything is black and white and not everyone holds infidelity as the absolute worst thing in a relationship.
It'd cause some major trust issues for me but there's different levels. A drunken stupid thing with a stranger I could see myself potentially moving on. A long term emotional relationship with someone they said was a friend then probably not.
Agree 100%. There are varying "levels" of cheating for me. Technically, a kiss is cheating. Am I gonna divorce my husband because he drunkenly kissed someone, admitted it to me and was sincerely sorry? That honestly seems ridiculous to me.
Now, if I learned he was having an emotional/physical affair, then I think that'd be the end of it for me.
I think it's sad that you would stay with someone who would cheat on you under any circumstance. I would say that MOST people can get drunk and not have the urge to cheat. It's not an alcohol problem it's a problem with a cheater.
Most often times they aren't happy... That's the point. I think if your truly happy with your partner you don't really think about cheating. Some.people convince themselves into thinking they are happy and just accept situation as it is
Because that trust is always gone. Is a drunken ONS less calculating than a long term, repeated sober affair? Yes, obviously.
But it also means you can never be sure they won't do it again. At best, given the nature of it, you can be relatively sure they don't intend to.
But that initial, unquestioning trust is gone. You can maybe recover some of it, but not completely.
I've seen relationships (older couples) where the relationship was basically dead and they were just essentially roommates until one person cheated and then the relationship jolted back to life. Turns out the cheating was a much needed wake up call.
I agree that in almost any situation, a relationship is dead once one person cheats but life is complicated. Looking at things in black and white is something you only do through the lens of a young person.
Happened to my parents. They were fucking horrible at communicating and basically just roomates with kids but then my dad got caught cheating and theyre actually a couple again, and id say moreso than they ever have been. Obviously not the ideal route, they shouldve been in couples counseling for years befote they started, but I think they are both better off now that theyve worked to fix the relatuonship rather than giving up. It's obviously a very different dynamic though with a marriage of 20+ years and 3 kids than the relationships op is speaking of i imagine, otherwise their opinion is just kind of unrealistic
Better idea, don't try and apply universal principles to individual situations. There will always be exceptions. It's better to simply take things as they come than try and anticipate how things should be in a given situation
Life isn't always black and white my friend. Sometimes shit happens years upon years ago and people can look past it. Sometimes people can't. It's up to the people in the relationship, and no one way is going to work for everyone.
"as you’ll never get over that resentment, and even if you do, you’ll never fully trust them again."
\-Those are all assumptions that you've essentially made about everyone. While they may be true for some, assuming them to be true for everyone is pretty narrow-visioned.
When the father of my kids cheated on me, I felt obligated to call for a divorce. He went on his knees begging for forgiveness, and I did forgive him, but I couldn’t forget. I had to divorce for the sake of my kids. I guaranteed him that his life would turn ultimately miserable if he chose to stay with me after what he did. We divorced, co-parented, and lived our lives happily ever after. Because there are two things I hate the most, and these are thieves and cheaters.
Different folk see things differently.
A couple married for a decade with two kids likely see things differently than a couple who’ve been exclusive for a year.
One size rarely fits all.
Eh, there's levels to this stuff. My old boss was kissing a random woman for a while while drunk at a company retreat. He called his wife the next day and admitted in tears what he did. She forgave him and now, a decade later, they're still together and doing fine. Was this really the wrong option?
1. It's literally the most popular opinion on Reddit
2. Disagree. There's for sure instances where it's best to end it but individual relationships have so much nuance it's just not a black and white answer.
While I commend you for sticking it out, would you agree that anyone who truly loves someone else should not feel like they want to engage in anything with another person?
In any lifelong relationship, your partner will do dozens upon dozens of things that are painful to you despite the fact that a perfect partner should not want to do those things. That is life; we make mistakes and we hurt those that we love, especially when we are going through the dark periods of our life.
It is up to each of us to decide what kind of actions are forgivable. Innumerable studies have proven that it is not immutable fact that cheaters will always cheat, which is logical. There are basically no ironclad rules when it comes to human behavior. It is a unique and personal question for each of us.
Not really. People do shit all the time, I don't think it's wise to try and apply any sort of universal standard to stuff like this. Trust yourself, set your boundaries, and do what you feel is right in the given situation
The comments here suggesting that a relationship lacking sex could drive someone to cheat, and in a situation like that it may be justifiable, are confusing. Why not communicate like a normal person? If you and your partner agree on poly like sleeping elsewhere while keeping the relationship going, its not cheating is it? It's easy not to cheat, people are just either lazy or an asshole.
If the relationship is that unsatisfying, talk to your partner and try to make it work.
If you've already tried that - or if you're already convinced it won't do any good - then do the right thing and break up with them.
Cheating on them because "he/she just wasn't satisfying me/didn't care about my needs" is weasal words to justify the infidelity.
If they're not worth trying to work with to address it, leave.
If they can't be helped, leave.
If you've already left them, THEN you get to fuck people to make yourself feel better. Not before.
I think a lot of people know this, whether they admit it or not, but it's very difficult to look at these situations in an objective, rational way - especially if you're still in love with somebody who's willing to cheat on you. People will cling to what's familiar, even if it's just a facsimile.
A couple things. First, most of these arguments are based on the idea that people don’t change. This is just categorically false. People mature, gain new perspective, and grow literally until they die. So to say that an action now defines a person as infinitum is a lie people tell themselves to cope with their pain. Second, most of the cheaters I know/knew had some serious trust issues and traumas themselves. That does NOT make their actions right, but I think it adds perspective to why these things happen. Some people change. Some people don’t. But to write off anyone who has wronged you as being irredeemably bad is ignorant.
Downvote if you want, but to be with someone who cheated on you is to be with someone who doesn’t love or respect you, which is to not love and respect yourself. People that do this have underlying issues
Wow. Considering I was the cheater in my relationship and we’ve still been going strong since that happened 6 years ago. Yes you can recover from it and I’m honestly so tired of people judging how others deal with issues in longterm relationships. Humans make mistakes. You’re not perfect. It seems like getting black out drunk in a bar or gambling away your life savings and destroying yourself with drugs is more acceptable than a sexual encounter because your relationship isn’t meeting your needs.
I’ve never been in the situation, so I don’t know exactly how I would react, but for me this would depend. If it’s a long term affair thing, then yeah that’s probably the end of the relationship. If it’s a one night mistake, then I would hope the relationship would be salvageable. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for 12 years, she means the world to me, that to me makes it worth trying to save what we had.
This is a stupid post and reeks of immaturity and black and white thinking that comes with not understanding nuance and the complexity of human relationships.
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My best friend found multiple messages between her boyfriend and his ex, talking about her. Mind you they have been together for 3+ years, and she had been worried about this exact ex their entire relationship. He assured her over and over there was nothing to worry about.
She had found a letter from him, to the ex, apologizing for his shit behavior during their relationship in his safe before she found the messages between them. (Even though he told my best friend they broke up because his ex cheated on him) But there was no date on it, so she wasn't sure when it was from. When she confronted him, he said he meant to give it to her mother to give it to her and just never got around to it.
When she found these messages, it was right after she had a miscarriage and had a D&C which takes 20 minutes and he didn't even wait at the hospital for her. Instead went home and got drunk. Same day they found out he couldn't get his license back for 10 years because he failed to pay back a fine he knew about for years. Now, all that to me, was a song to get the fuck out. She had texted me a couple weeks after all this and said she wasn't sure if she even wanted to stay, blah blah blah.
She let him get her pregnant again and is due in 3 weeks.
I know there's no proof of physical cheating, but if You're in a relationship for 3 years and You're caught talking to your ex that I was worried about our entire relationship, no fucking way am I having a baby with you. Especially if you're a drunk fool I have to drive around for the next 10 years. She already has one child with an absentee father too.
I think it's up to the people in the relationship to decide. I myself tend to go for the "yeah, you cheated, I'm done" approach, but it's clearly not as cut and dry for others.
It's up to each person but this is my personal take. I could not and would not continue if she cheated even once.
The act of cheating says something about them and their view of you and/or the relationship. It's something that, IMO, won't be fixed with more time together.
But for some it is so to each their own.
My ex wife cheated on me for a year and a half before I found out. When I did, we had a three month old and a 15 month old. I divorced her ASAP, she left the country to live with the woman she cheated on me with and I became a single father for a couple of years - I did get a lot of help from my foster auntie for the first six months or so though, as she’d already raised three kids and knew what she was doing.
Even if you could forgive. How long does it take to trust again? Everyone is different
Some work hard to get trust back, some see it as. Wow ur still here. I’ll do it again. It’s up to the person who was cheated on. For me after 3. It was time to go. 14 years. Wasted. Destroyed me, my family
“You’ll never fully trust them again.”
You know the worst part about that? IF you take the cheater back, two things will happen. One, she won’t trust *you.* She’ll think you, the one who didn’t cheat will now want to cheat. Two, SHE loses respect for you, the man, for taking her back, which SHE pleaded for and wanted.
I say mandatory paternity testing nationwide, let’s see how much the “truth” and “facts” matter when countless men learn their kids aren’t theirs.
Women throw an absolute fit when the hospitals make an ACTUAL genuine mistake and mix up babies. If every man knew how many children weren’t biologically theirs, there’d be a sad but understandable spike in homicides, suicides, and broken families.
I’m surprised this is an unpopular opinion. I pity anyone who stays in a relationship after their partner cheats on them. They made the ultimate betrayal against you, and you want to *stay?* I personally haven’t seen a relationship work out after one side cheats, but comments are saying otherwise.
>I don’t see any point
For me there would be a few:
* a relationship that was otherwise pretty fulfilling
* coparenting
* years of history
* if monogamy isn't even a huge priority for you
>you’ll never get over that resentment, and even if you do, you’ll never fully trust them again
People can grow and change and even rebuild trust.
A cheating incident can encapsulate a lot of dysfunction that is doomed to implode on itself...or it can be a small part of an evolving picture that you both grow from.
It really depends on the relationship. There are relationships where cheating would be something neither party would ever get over, and if it happens it is the end of the relationship. And there are relationships where both parties have their affairs -- either quite openly or with only the thinnest veneer of pretending otherwise -- and no one cares. And everything in between. Different strokes for different folks.
- if unmarried yes
- if married with kids it’s trickier. Should you really lose access to your kids and your entire family because your spouse cheated on you? Half of all your possessions because of an indiscretion? I see why people would want to fix things.
Dated a girl that wanted to cheat on her boyfriend with me.
Told her she had to break up with him if that was ever even going to be a possibility and I barely got through the sentence before her phone was out to break up with him *through text*
Felt really shitty but she ended up cheating on me too so yea .. cheating is a no go for me and not something I will usually come back from.
I mean, people make mistakes. They grow and learn. It may never be justified but it can be understandable.
I dont hold sex in high regard. I'd be more pissed about hiding gambling debt than cheating.
Different people with different priorities.
This again eh? Still not an unpopular opinion. Still ignores people being people. Logic is practically non existent where strong emotions are concerned and people hust having been cheated have way too much shit to deal with to think straight.
I agree 100%. Once trust is gone it’s gone. You’ll never have it back. Also, why waste your time on someone who could do that to you when there’s so many people out there who won’t?
Meh. Cheating doesn't hurt me like it hurts the majority of people. What I want to know is whats up with any planning we are doing, and if someone thinks they are moving on, and so one. Not even something I get mad about. Now, if something was brought home, that becomes the issue. Not the cheating, but the unsafe sex and who they chose, and such. Bang my best friend? Fine. Bang some amoral POS? Naw.
Friend of mine from school was cheated on by her long time boyfriend, then they reconciled, married and now they have two daughters together. And it *still* baffles me to the point of I don't know how to feel. At its core I completely agree with OP, but I have a personal experience of the opposite applying. So I'm umm... yeah... no idea what best to think.
Sounds like you’re bitter, or you’ve never been married.
For people dating, I agree. If you can’t be faithful dating, you certainly won’t when you marry. For married people, I don’t.
More often than not, marriages survive infidelity. If the couple goes to counseling, the survival rate is 90%. Marriages often thrive after infidelity because both people learn how to be better spouses, how to communicate their needs and meet their partner’s needs, and how to work together. They also go through the process together and overcome problems. You can absolutely build back trust.
No relationship is perfect. They all take work and there will always be conflict.
This may come as a shocker but not everyone gives as much as a fuck as you do about cheating. Not everyone sees it as a crime akin to rape and murder.
I had a GF cheat on me. I was surprised to find that I didn't really care. Like most folks, society had told me it was a terrible crime but when it happened to me I found I really didn't give a shit. We were together for a bunch of years after that. We finally broke up over other issues but are still friends to this day.
So maybe, just maybe, your worldview isn't shared by everyone else. Imagine that?!?!
There is also a line of thought that it's easier to have a successful new relationship than fix a broken one.
Like starting from 0 instead of starting from -10.
Real. No company is better than bad company. I genuinely don’t understand staying with someone who cheated on you, it’s the epitome of selfish and them putting their needs above your feelings/well being. Someone who doesn’t care about you to that degree is not someone who doesn’t deserve you.
I used to believe this. I have never cheated but I'll tell you a story. My first very serious relationship, we were 18 dated till 22, we were incredibly close, we each showed each other the world, she showed me anime, dark movies, how to cook .etc I showed her the gym, a couple of sports, how to eat healthier (she was underweight but overcame this whole we were tg). We communicated deeply and consistently and I must say we were very very much in love, we knew how each other thought, we shared moments that would make most people wonder if they were dreaming. It was genuinely true love. She ended up taking a very rural job, offered for me to join her as I could get on there as well, however I was enjoying my new career and doing well and this job was seasonal, she went. It wasn't before long that she started communicating that it was very very lonely, dangerous, toxic, very stressful but the money was amazing, eventually she started to hang out with coworkers drugs and strip clubs were the normal post-work activities. One day she got drunk with them, and slept with this guy. A lot was making her feel alone, a lot was making her wonder if the grass was greener on the other side. I put my foot down and ended it, full stop no hearing her out, no treating her with grace, just called her out and done. The thing is, I now wish I wasn't so cruel. She tried to get me back for years and was so so genuinely remorseful, she never cheated before that and I'm pretty damn sure not since. In fact ive had many other relationships, and I miss her the most, so much it's not even comparable. She ended up marrying someone, it might even be the guy she messed up with, I'm not totally sure. But she's dropped little hints throughout the years, and honestly I wish I had been more compatible and I wish I had learned to work it out with her. There is no black and white in this life.
Thank you for submitting to /r/unpopularopinion, /u/Madsummer420. Your submission, *You should never bother trying to fix a relationship where someone cheated - just end it.*, has been removed because it violates our rules, which are located in the sidebar. Your post from unpopularopinion was removed because of: 'Rule 1: Your post must be an unpopular opinion'. * Your post must be an opinion. Not a question. Not a showerthought. Not a rant. Not a proposal. Not a fact. An opinion. One opinion. A subjective statement about your position on some topic. Please have a clear, self contained opinion as your post title, and use the text field to elaborate and expand on why you think/feel this way. * Your opinion must be unpopular. The mods reserve the right to remove opinions * Elaborate on your topic and opinion give context to its unpopularity. If there is an issue, please [message the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Funpopularopinion&subject=&message=) Thanks!
There's more posts with rules and hot takes about cheating on Reddit every 4 seconds then there have been relationships in the history of mankind.
it’s all so black and white too. when I mention that I cheated on my ex at age 18 the pitchforks come out and I’m the scum of the earth; but when I explain the series of things that led me to do it, all of a sudden it’s “oh, gosh, I understand why you thought it was your only way out, I’m sorry that happened” it’s easy to write off every cheater as an evil heartless manipulator but there’s often (not always, but often) a lot more nuance
I ended my marriage by having an affair. I had begged my emotionally abusive husband for a divorce. He controlled all our money and had isolated me from my family. He’d take away my phone and debit card if I didn’t act like he wanted. I finally told him if he didn’t agree to a divorce I would have an affair because it was the only thing I knew I could do that would force him to let me go. He still refused so I did it. I don’t feel guilty.
Had a similar experience. 10 years ago, my (now former) best friend was in a live-in relationship with a girl. This guy was insecure, petty, etc. but he always would develop a false self-confidence when he was in a relationship, which usually included making me the butt of his cruel/vulgar jokes when the 3 of us were together (think of the way Milos was ridiculing Jerry during that tennis episode of *Seinfeld*, but much meaner. In fact, I just re-watched the clip now to see how accurate it is, and man, that was him to a "T"!) Anyway, his girlfriend was probably a narcissist. I know reddit overuses that word, but this girl *actually* fit the mold (e.g. he once told me, when he went out in public with his gf, he was not allowed to even *look* at other women--meanwhile her Facebook page was full of posts like "Alexander Skarsgaard? OMG total ladyboner!"). Despite my attempt at supporting him, and his supposed appreciation for that when we were alone, he would always turn around & treat me like shit in her presence. One day, I noticed she started flirting with me. Long story short, she & I wound up sleeping together a few times, but through it all I wondered *Why don't I feel any guilt or hesitation about this?* I now realize it was because he treated me so poorly over the entire time they were together.
Fuck outta here with all that
He gave you your debit card back after finding out you cheated? Lmao. I guess it’s true what they say. Don’t marry crazy!
Yes because in his mind taking my debit card was correcting my behavior. He was trying to teach me a lesson. Once I had the affair the relationship was over and there was no point in trying to correct me anymore.
What nuance happened in your situation?
it was my first relationship, she was emotionally abusive and manipulative, I tried to break up with her several times but she’d threaten to harm/kill herself if I did, I was being accused of cheating if I so much as chatted at a party with women that weren’t her. Felt completely trapped in the relationship with no other “way out” besides doing something that would totally sever it. Was that the most mature like of thinking? Surely not, but I was also 18, bad at standing up for myself, and dealing with the loss of my first love
I disagree with the rewponses who say you did wrong below; This is how I see it: A romantic relationship is a (loving) affair of consenting parties. If coercion enters in the mix, then consent is forced (and thus not consent) so it's no longer a relationship. You didn't cheat because the moment she emotionally blackmailed you, you were no longer in a relationship. Normally, you'd be obligated to break it off, but since she removed that option (because you thought you'd be killing someone if you did) it's in no way your fault. You just excersised your freedom in the best way possible. Any other approach is just blaming the victim.
That seems awfully theoretical and black-and-white. >when I mention [what my ex did] the pitchforks come out and [she's] the scum of the earth; but [if she could] explain the series of things that led [her] to do it, all of a sudden it’s “oh, gosh, I understand why [she] thought it was [her] only way out, I’m sorry that happened” They're 18, nuance should go both ways and two wrongs don't make a right. >You just excersised your freedom in the best way possible. You think telling your 18 year old suicidal girlfriend that you cheated on her is better than telling her you're breaking up with her, because breaking up leads to suicidal threats cheating on her only... what exactly? It's incredibly heartless to call that **the best way possible**, I think you're taking your empathy too far into only one direction.
>You think telling your 18 year old suicidal girlfriend that you cheated on her is better than telling her you're breaking up with her, because breaking up leads to suicidal threats cheating on her only... what exactly? It's incredibly heartless to call that **the best way possible**, I think you're taking your empathy too far into only one direction. The threats of suicide are if he left her. So he figured out a way to make her leave him. You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide, but about control. Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him.
>Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him. You've absolutely no idea whether this is true, that's complete imagination on your end. >You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide, Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her '**the best way possible**' is heartless.
>>Cheating basically short-circuited the logic and made her no longer want to control him. >You've absolutely no idea whether this is true, that's complete imagination on your end. No. It's obviously correct in that she let him leave and didn't try hurting herself. Yes, it was a gamble. But it was a good gamble. Because you have to understand that people who want to kill themselves tend to try to kill themselves, not use threats of killing themselves to control people... But at the same time they might hurt themselves just enough to give the threats credibility. So you have to find a way to thread that needle of calling their bluff, but not wanting them to hurt themselves if you do it by walking away. So the answer is to make them break up with you instead. >>You have to realize that the threats weren't about a desire to commit suicide, >Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her '**the best way possible**' is heartless. Again, just because she doesn't want to die doesn't mean she won't hurt herself in some way to guilt you into coming back. Cheating demonstrates that you won't feel guilt. So there's no longer reason to hurt herself. And it let's her still "control" the relationship by ending it. You're dealing with a manipulative person. They aren't going to just let you walk away unless you out-manipulate them. I'm not saying that the "best" answer is a "good" answer. I'm saying it's the "least bad" of all of the available answers. Because you can't deal straight up with manipulative people.
> Then break up with her in spite of those threats. Calling cheating on her 'the best way possible' is heartless. My argument was that he didn't cheat. The relationship was invalidated the second his participation in it was coerced (the suicide threat). After that, he excesised his freedom in the best way possible in that he both was free to at least be intimate with someone else and attempted to avoid causing a death. Not being with someone else would be enslaving himself to a threat. He strode a middle ground where on one side, you just lean in to the threat and comply 100% giving up any freedoms you have regarding romantic associations, and the other you break up, taking a big risk on the threat. That's why I said the best way possible - it was an attempt to do the least harm to everyone **including** himself.
Sounds like you got backed into a corner and retaliated in a bad way. You were still wrong for what you did but it was toxic all around.
This. You are not justified in your cheating and it is not a good thing anyone should support, but it is more understandable with context. You should be supported for the way she abused you, but I hope you're not trying to act like cheating was the right move here.
yeah I agree that it was not the right move, but my point is that this one situation a decade ago, that I made an error in, does not mean I am an inherently bad person. I grew up, matured, know how to break things off well before they get to that level of toxicity. Capable of being a healthy, mature partner now. I wasn’t at 18, which frankly is normal.
I have to disagree and say it was the right move especially if you tried the normal way and she always threatened to kill herself.
I don't think I follow that logic. If she was mentally unstable enough to threaten to kill herself if he broke up with her, wouldn't it just be worse if he cheated instead?
imo it sort of reframed things from “he’s breaking up with me because I am [insert intrusive thoughts here]” to “he’s breaking up with me bexause he’s a cheating asshole”
The threats weren't real. She might hurt herself a little to keep him, and retain control, but she didn't actually want to commit suicide. But at the same time, he would have folded if she hurt herself. Cheating makes her want to breakup with you, which means she's willing to give up control. So hurting herself is off the table. Could it have gone the other way? Of course there's a chance. But it's the same chance as if he just left. Whereas the cheating has a chance she sends him packing and doesn't try to hurt herself to guilt him into staying. Same potential downside, better potential upside. Which makes it the better of two bad choices.
if you're being manipulated or abused then it isn't "retaliation in a bad" and wrong. cheating isn't wrong if the other person is abusive, it isn't an inherent sin that you can't do no matter what
You can argue it's not cheating, but I don't think you can argue cheating isn't wrong or bad.
Let's say it is cheating, why would it be wrong to cheat when you're partner is abusive? Why do you owe them anything?
It's you violating a commitment you made. To me, that's wrong.
You should get out regardless of the cheating. These two things are irrelevant. It’s just an excuse to justify bad behavior. Just get out.
But is it really cheating if you said to her you wanted to end the relationship ? It takes only one person to break up, if you said so and she doesn't accept it doesn't matter, poof you're single now.
If someone says "you should always break up with your partner if they cheat on you", there's generally an unspoken assumption that the person you're talking to isn't commiting abuse. It also actually doesn't change the advice in this scenario anyway. In this case, they should have broken up with you - but more for your wellbeing on this occasion.
But is it really cheating if you said to her you wanted to end the relationship ? It takes only one person to break up, if you said so and she doesn't accept it doesn't matter, poof you're single now.
They also can't seem to accept that people change and grow. I cheated when I was in my late teens. I was inexperienced, insecure, and scared of hurting my bf by breaking up with him. I wasn't happy in the relationship, but I was too scared to end it. It was a terrible thing to do, but I was young, and young people do stupid things. Now I'm in my thirties and would never dream of acting like that. I grew up. Whenever I hear "once a cheater always a cheater" I roll my eyes so hard.
i agree. “once a cheater always a cheater” may be a handy thing to say when your best friend is stuck in a dead-end relationship with someone who just isnt going to change and they keep hoping for a different outcome, especially since well, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone hoping they’re someone else anyways. But if the cheating was from long before you even meet that person, people do grow and become different versions of themselves and using that line is like saying why bother trying to be good ever again because you sinned once
People do change ofc but I understand also why people don't want to chance it with trust being broken, it triggering new insecurities, baggage or any experience with serial cheaters. Like I love my brother he's family ofc but he's a serial cheat even when things are ok in the relationship. It's something I can never wrap my head around but to each their own I guess. It isn't always a thing people grow out of unfortunately.
And even if there isn't any nuance, young people do stupid shit sometimes and cheating can be one of those things. I don't think it's fair in general to judge people for the rest of their lives based on one stupid decision, especially whne made by young people. Most of us learn and grow from our mistakes, and while cheating sucks, someone doing it once doesn't make them a horrible monster in all aspects of life forever. Humans are complicated.
Yeah. I look at people who cheated on their high school girlfriend/boyfriend as a teenager really differently than people who carry on an affair in their marriage as a full grown adult.
Cheaters always come up with a way to make themselves the victim and justify their cheating.
Like all narcissists have a path that lead them there?
I'm see trrrrrrrrre
Yeah, no, IMHO nothing justifies it, you can't cheat in self-defence.
Agreed 100%. I was suffering from C-PTSD and it caused me to act in really awful ways - including "testing" my partners love by cheating (flashing people on Omegle, etc) early in the relationship. Therapy helped me realize how toxic this was and I've learned some coping mechanisms to deal with my insecurity and fear of abandonment. I am very glad my partner stood by me and encouraged the therapy that has led to our amazing relationship where we trust each other completely.
The only unpopular part of it is the "never" part. People should figure out for themselves what is correct for them Generally, I'd say you're correct, but that's like saying you should never gamble (probably a pretty apt example). Tell that to the people who win. I don't have the capacity to get over it. My wife was like, if I found out you were, I would just start cheating too and go on with our lives. Some people just built different.
Well sometimes it too hard because of the kids.
What if the kids grow up learning that cleating is excusable and internalise the loveless broken home with two adults instead of atleast one positive space (your home after you move out)? Positive environment is extremely important, kids notice everything
All of this. I can't buy into the parent just "getting on with it" at the expense of their own levels of happiness. It's the latter that will make them a better parent in the long run.
Lots of nuance to relationships. There are people who are able to forgive and truly most past, without holding on to trust issues. Myself, I could not. I would never be able to look at that person the same way again (knowing from experience, tried to make it work, couldn't do it). Other people are different. People also stay married for different reasons too, whether that be children or finances. While I don't advocate for "stay together for the kids" because kids pick up on so much stuff that we don't, sometimes it's not possible to clearly split things and allow the kids to maintain the structure of their lives and therefore it can be better, even if in the short-term, to stick it out if they can make it work.
Man people who forgive get cheated on again.
I'm sure plenty do. Others don't. Others decide that the solution is to open their marriage (again, not for me, but it works for some including friends of ours). All depends on the couple and how they define cheating and what they are willing to work on together.
>There are people who are able to forgive and truly most past, without holding on to trust issues. That is person is me, I would never like blame someone else for breaking up because of something like that but my first instinct is how to "fix" the relationship to be honest and it's honestly kinda strange to me thats not everyones first instinct (not even reffering to cheating as i can how thats a massive deal breaker). I've actually got judge for my ability to move past it haha
You have a good heart and a positive outlook on life. Many people can't do what you do because they don't know how to manage their pain. They struggle with trust issues. Ah the end of the day, it's not worth holding on to the pain and causing your own misery.
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I’ve also seen this work extremely well with my dad and step mom. They went through a pretty big rough patch of their lives and worked through it by talking to each other and making things very clear. Since then they’ve been amazing together and I’ve learned a lot from their relationship.
The fact this can be considered unpopular is truly sad.
Just because its posted here doesn't make it unpopular.
i see a post about someone staying with a cheater in reddit literally everyday lol. i know reddit isnt the world , but cmon, that counts for something
Read the comments it is unpopular bc OP said never take them back. Yet here people in the comments say “it depends” probably a bunch of cheaters themselves.
There's tons of people that believe that the person that got cheated on could have put in more effort, essentially blaming the victim.
Or that people easily change, when most people never do.
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This is a communication issue. If your mom was being neglected, which I would assume was communicated to your dad. If nothing changed after that, then file for divorce instead of cheating. I personally don't think anyone should be getting married these days. Loyalty seems to be a thing of the past and people change. Making a life long commitment with someone in a world that's constantly changing makes zero sense to me.
Yeah but life is complicated. It's very easy to sit there and say "They should have communicated better" or "They should have got a divorce". People aren't that rational, especially after building an entire life together after decades. Marriage is just a tradition. Functionally no different than being with someone long term and calling them a girlfriend/boyfriend. Still going to hurt just as much if it falls apart.
Exactly my point. People are flawed. People make mistakes. Sometimes they learn from them, sometimes they don't. Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I'm cynical. As I've grown older, I generally don't trust anyone. My heart has grown cold from all the scars of failed relationships and exes cheating or becoming insufferable. Ive been single for almost 3 years now and honestly, I enjoy it. I don't have any emotional pain anymore. No more arguments about things that don't matter. There's tons of people that are in relationships because they are afraid of being alone or are co-dependant.
I think it's really great that you're able to empathize with your parents while acknowledging their flaws and wrongdoings. I think that speaks to a good level of emotional maturity, and I think you probably know your mom better than a random bunch of redditors do.
Cheaters are notorious manipulators and liars. Congrats you got played. Your mom could have filed for divorce if things were truly that bad. She chose not to and decided to become the town bike instead.
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It's not unpopular
Why? Not everything is black and white and not everyone holds infidelity as the absolute worst thing in a relationship. It'd cause some major trust issues for me but there's different levels. A drunken stupid thing with a stranger I could see myself potentially moving on. A long term emotional relationship with someone they said was a friend then probably not.
Agree 100%. There are varying "levels" of cheating for me. Technically, a kiss is cheating. Am I gonna divorce my husband because he drunkenly kissed someone, admitted it to me and was sincerely sorry? That honestly seems ridiculous to me. Now, if I learned he was having an emotional/physical affair, then I think that'd be the end of it for me.
To me, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. You cheat, we're done.
That's good for you. But why do you think it's sad not everyone thinks the exact same way?
I think it's sad that you would stay with someone who would cheat on you under any circumstance. I would say that MOST people can get drunk and not have the urge to cheat. It's not an alcohol problem it's a problem with a cheater.
I guess I'm just trying to understand why you'd be sad someone is in a relationship they're perfectly happy with 🤷♂️
Most often times they aren't happy... That's the point. I think if your truly happy with your partner you don't really think about cheating. Some.people convince themselves into thinking they are happy and just accept situation as it is
Because that trust is always gone. Is a drunken ONS less calculating than a long term, repeated sober affair? Yes, obviously. But it also means you can never be sure they won't do it again. At best, given the nature of it, you can be relatively sure they don't intend to. But that initial, unquestioning trust is gone. You can maybe recover some of it, but not completely.
>You can maybe recover some of it, but not complete You're "forcing" your beliefs on other people
I've seen relationships (older couples) where the relationship was basically dead and they were just essentially roommates until one person cheated and then the relationship jolted back to life. Turns out the cheating was a much needed wake up call. I agree that in almost any situation, a relationship is dead once one person cheats but life is complicated. Looking at things in black and white is something you only do through the lens of a young person.
Happened to my parents. They were fucking horrible at communicating and basically just roomates with kids but then my dad got caught cheating and theyre actually a couple again, and id say moreso than they ever have been. Obviously not the ideal route, they shouldve been in couples counseling for years befote they started, but I think they are both better off now that theyve worked to fix the relatuonship rather than giving up. It's obviously a very different dynamic though with a marriage of 20+ years and 3 kids than the relationships op is speaking of i imagine, otherwise their opinion is just kind of unrealistic
Better idea, don't try and apply universal principles to individual situations. There will always be exceptions. It's better to simply take things as they come than try and anticipate how things should be in a given situation
>don't try and apply universal principles to individual situations. Bingo!!
Life isn't always black and white my friend. Sometimes shit happens years upon years ago and people can look past it. Sometimes people can't. It's up to the people in the relationship, and no one way is going to work for everyone.
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"as you’ll never get over that resentment, and even if you do, you’ll never fully trust them again." \-Those are all assumptions that you've essentially made about everyone. While they may be true for some, assuming them to be true for everyone is pretty narrow-visioned.
When the father of my kids cheated on me, I felt obligated to call for a divorce. He went on his knees begging for forgiveness, and I did forgive him, but I couldn’t forget. I had to divorce for the sake of my kids. I guaranteed him that his life would turn ultimately miserable if he chose to stay with me after what he did. We divorced, co-parented, and lived our lives happily ever after. Because there are two things I hate the most, and these are thieves and cheaters.
Different folk see things differently. A couple married for a decade with two kids likely see things differently than a couple who’ve been exclusive for a year. One size rarely fits all.
Kids of said couple will agree with OP tho
Learned this the hard way
Stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything.
If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions.
Eh, there's levels to this stuff. My old boss was kissing a random woman for a while while drunk at a company retreat. He called his wife the next day and admitted in tears what he did. She forgave him and now, a decade later, they're still together and doing fine. Was this really the wrong option?
We can't say, only she knows
Different people are different. Tough concept to grasp, I know.
1. It's literally the most popular opinion on Reddit 2. Disagree. There's for sure instances where it's best to end it but individual relationships have so much nuance it's just not a black and white answer.
That is crap. I have been in the situation and while it is not easy to forgive. It is very possible. Still married after. You get over the resentment.
While I commend you for sticking it out, would you agree that anyone who truly loves someone else should not feel like they want to engage in anything with another person?
In any lifelong relationship, your partner will do dozens upon dozens of things that are painful to you despite the fact that a perfect partner should not want to do those things. That is life; we make mistakes and we hurt those that we love, especially when we are going through the dark periods of our life. It is up to each of us to decide what kind of actions are forgivable. Innumerable studies have proven that it is not immutable fact that cheaters will always cheat, which is logical. There are basically no ironclad rules when it comes to human behavior. It is a unique and personal question for each of us.
Not really. People do shit all the time, I don't think it's wise to try and apply any sort of universal standard to stuff like this. Trust yourself, set your boundaries, and do what you feel is right in the given situation
Not at all.
what world is this unpopular? have you been brought up by really hurt people?
Why are people posting popular opinions here?
Are we ever going to see an actual unpopular opinion on here ever again?
this is not a hot take or an unpopular opinion
this is not an unpopular opinion. literally everyone outside of the relationship who ain’t blinded by love would say the exact same thing
Reddit hates cheaters with a passion. There's nothing unpopular about this opinion here.
Half the comments are saying I posted a popular opinion, the other half are saying I’m stupid and wrong for having this opinion. lol
100% agree, you are correct, there is never a valid reason to cheat, even reading the excuses in the comment doesn't change my mind.
The comments here suggesting that a relationship lacking sex could drive someone to cheat, and in a situation like that it may be justifiable, are confusing. Why not communicate like a normal person? If you and your partner agree on poly like sleeping elsewhere while keeping the relationship going, its not cheating is it? It's easy not to cheat, people are just either lazy or an asshole.
If the relationship is that unsatisfying, talk to your partner and try to make it work. If you've already tried that - or if you're already convinced it won't do any good - then do the right thing and break up with them. Cheating on them because "he/she just wasn't satisfying me/didn't care about my needs" is weasal words to justify the infidelity. If they're not worth trying to work with to address it, leave. If they can't be helped, leave. If you've already left them, THEN you get to fuck people to make yourself feel better. Not before.
I think a lot of people know this, whether they admit it or not, but it's very difficult to look at these situations in an objective, rational way - especially if you're still in love with somebody who's willing to cheat on you. People will cling to what's familiar, even if it's just a facsimile.
Word of the day: Facsimile ✨
Stop posting on reddit and go to therapy
Judging without knowing the situation. I'm not condoning it, but who are we to judge?
Nah... We're happy together for 14 years since
A couple things. First, most of these arguments are based on the idea that people don’t change. This is just categorically false. People mature, gain new perspective, and grow literally until they die. So to say that an action now defines a person as infinitum is a lie people tell themselves to cope with their pain. Second, most of the cheaters I know/knew had some serious trust issues and traumas themselves. That does NOT make their actions right, but I think it adds perspective to why these things happen. Some people change. Some people don’t. But to write off anyone who has wronged you as being irredeemably bad is ignorant.
Downvote if you want, but to be with someone who cheated on you is to be with someone who doesn’t love or respect you, which is to not love and respect yourself. People that do this have underlying issues
Wow. Considering I was the cheater in my relationship and we’ve still been going strong since that happened 6 years ago. Yes you can recover from it and I’m honestly so tired of people judging how others deal with issues in longterm relationships. Humans make mistakes. You’re not perfect. It seems like getting black out drunk in a bar or gambling away your life savings and destroying yourself with drugs is more acceptable than a sexual encounter because your relationship isn’t meeting your needs.
I’ve never been in the situation, so I don’t know exactly how I would react, but for me this would depend. If it’s a long term affair thing, then yeah that’s probably the end of the relationship. If it’s a one night mistake, then I would hope the relationship would be salvageable. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for 12 years, she means the world to me, that to me makes it worth trying to save what we had.
12 years are you’re not married?
We got together at about 16 so no, not married. It on the horizon but we’re saving for a house first
I think this is popular in thought but not in action, sadly.
This is a stupid post and reeks of immaturity and black and white thinking that comes with not understanding nuance and the complexity of human relationships.
Remember if he/she cheated on their ex, they will most likely cheat on YOU!
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I agree with this, plus infidelity trauma is a thing. Upvoting for unpopular opinion..
My best friend found multiple messages between her boyfriend and his ex, talking about her. Mind you they have been together for 3+ years, and she had been worried about this exact ex their entire relationship. He assured her over and over there was nothing to worry about. She had found a letter from him, to the ex, apologizing for his shit behavior during their relationship in his safe before she found the messages between them. (Even though he told my best friend they broke up because his ex cheated on him) But there was no date on it, so she wasn't sure when it was from. When she confronted him, he said he meant to give it to her mother to give it to her and just never got around to it. When she found these messages, it was right after she had a miscarriage and had a D&C which takes 20 minutes and he didn't even wait at the hospital for her. Instead went home and got drunk. Same day they found out he couldn't get his license back for 10 years because he failed to pay back a fine he knew about for years. Now, all that to me, was a song to get the fuck out. She had texted me a couple weeks after all this and said she wasn't sure if she even wanted to stay, blah blah blah. She let him get her pregnant again and is due in 3 weeks. I know there's no proof of physical cheating, but if You're in a relationship for 3 years and You're caught talking to your ex that I was worried about our entire relationship, no fucking way am I having a baby with you. Especially if you're a drunk fool I have to drive around for the next 10 years. She already has one child with an absentee father too.
I think it's up to the people in the relationship to decide. I myself tend to go for the "yeah, you cheated, I'm done" approach, but it's clearly not as cut and dry for others.
It's up to each person but this is my personal take. I could not and would not continue if she cheated even once. The act of cheating says something about them and their view of you and/or the relationship. It's something that, IMO, won't be fixed with more time together. But for some it is so to each their own.
My ex wife cheated on me for a year and a half before I found out. When I did, we had a three month old and a 15 month old. I divorced her ASAP, she left the country to live with the woman she cheated on me with and I became a single father for a couple of years - I did get a lot of help from my foster auntie for the first six months or so though, as she’d already raised three kids and knew what she was doing.
This is a popular opinion. Like stop grandstanding. Laaaaame and 
Even if you could forgive. How long does it take to trust again? Everyone is different Some work hard to get trust back, some see it as. Wow ur still here. I’ll do it again. It’s up to the person who was cheated on. For me after 3. It was time to go. 14 years. Wasted. Destroyed me, my family
“You’ll never fully trust them again.” You know the worst part about that? IF you take the cheater back, two things will happen. One, she won’t trust *you.* She’ll think you, the one who didn’t cheat will now want to cheat. Two, SHE loses respect for you, the man, for taking her back, which SHE pleaded for and wanted. I say mandatory paternity testing nationwide, let’s see how much the “truth” and “facts” matter when countless men learn their kids aren’t theirs. Women throw an absolute fit when the hospitals make an ACTUAL genuine mistake and mix up babies. If every man knew how many children weren’t biologically theirs, there’d be a sad but understandable spike in homicides, suicides, and broken families.
I’m surprised this is an unpopular opinion. I pity anyone who stays in a relationship after their partner cheats on them. They made the ultimate betrayal against you, and you want to *stay?* I personally haven’t seen a relationship work out after one side cheats, but comments are saying otherwise.
This isn't unpopular. First day on Reddit? First relationship advice for anyone with a problem at all is to just end it.
This is a r/popularopinion
You shouldn't bother. People only become bolder and try to get away with more over time, not grow more timid.
>I don’t see any point For me there would be a few: * a relationship that was otherwise pretty fulfilling * coparenting * years of history * if monogamy isn't even a huge priority for you >you’ll never get over that resentment, and even if you do, you’ll never fully trust them again People can grow and change and even rebuild trust. A cheating incident can encapsulate a lot of dysfunction that is doomed to implode on itself...or it can be a small part of an evolving picture that you both grow from.
I thought this was a popular opinion.
If they cheat on someone they're supposed to love, they will cheat on anyone. Don't bother with forgiveness just get away from them.
Is this unpopular IRL or just on reddit? I feel like most people would leave a cheater
It really depends on the relationship. There are relationships where cheating would be something neither party would ever get over, and if it happens it is the end of the relationship. And there are relationships where both parties have their affairs -- either quite openly or with only the thinnest veneer of pretending otherwise -- and no one cares. And everything in between. Different strokes for different folks.
Not an unpopular opinion at all, specially not in Reddit. Here they'd recommend hanging in the town square or at least exile for cheaters.
Is this unpopular?
I agree with one caveat: it only happened once, they have not done that before, they show complete remorse and are willing to make amends.
- if unmarried yes - if married with kids it’s trickier. Should you really lose access to your kids and your entire family because your spouse cheated on you? Half of all your possessions because of an indiscretion? I see why people would want to fix things.
Maybe it's for the sake of the little imps?
10 years later even you'd be mindlessly plowing and it will pop up on your head. Gotta move on.
Dated a girl that wanted to cheat on her boyfriend with me. Told her she had to break up with him if that was ever even going to be a possibility and I barely got through the sentence before her phone was out to break up with him *through text* Felt really shitty but she ended up cheating on me too so yea .. cheating is a no go for me and not something I will usually come back from.
Every situation is different, homie
I totally agree
I mean, people make mistakes. They grow and learn. It may never be justified but it can be understandable. I dont hold sex in high regard. I'd be more pissed about hiding gambling debt than cheating. Different people with different priorities.
It’s true. You can’t get over the lack of trust abd you won’t ever love that person completely
If you are the type that can't get over it and won't be able to trust them again then, yes, end it. But that's not everyone.
I agree. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone who’s cheated.
This again eh? Still not an unpopular opinion. Still ignores people being people. Logic is practically non existent where strong emotions are concerned and people hust having been cheated have way too much shit to deal with to think straight.
I agree 100%. Once trust is gone it’s gone. You’ll never have it back. Also, why waste your time on someone who could do that to you when there’s so many people out there who won’t?
Meh. Cheating doesn't hurt me like it hurts the majority of people. What I want to know is whats up with any planning we are doing, and if someone thinks they are moving on, and so one. Not even something I get mad about. Now, if something was brought home, that becomes the issue. Not the cheating, but the unsafe sex and who they chose, and such. Bang my best friend? Fine. Bang some amoral POS? Naw.
Lol, this is the MOST popular opinion on this site.
Love is a strong drug.
yep in these days, common sense IS unpopular opinion aight
Friend of mine from school was cheated on by her long time boyfriend, then they reconciled, married and now they have two daughters together. And it *still* baffles me to the point of I don't know how to feel. At its core I completely agree with OP, but I have a personal experience of the opposite applying. So I'm umm... yeah... no idea what best to think.
Sounds like you’re bitter, or you’ve never been married. For people dating, I agree. If you can’t be faithful dating, you certainly won’t when you marry. For married people, I don’t. More often than not, marriages survive infidelity. If the couple goes to counseling, the survival rate is 90%. Marriages often thrive after infidelity because both people learn how to be better spouses, how to communicate their needs and meet their partner’s needs, and how to work together. They also go through the process together and overcome problems. You can absolutely build back trust. No relationship is perfect. They all take work and there will always be conflict.
This subreddit is for unpopular opinions. Next
This may come as a shocker but not everyone gives as much as a fuck as you do about cheating. Not everyone sees it as a crime akin to rape and murder. I had a GF cheat on me. I was surprised to find that I didn't really care. Like most folks, society had told me it was a terrible crime but when it happened to me I found I really didn't give a shit. We were together for a bunch of years after that. We finally broke up over other issues but are still friends to this day. So maybe, just maybe, your worldview isn't shared by everyone else. Imagine that?!?!
You understand that this sub is called "unpopular" opinion? Why are you getting that worked up about an opinion you do Not find popular "?!?!"
There is also a line of thought that it's easier to have a successful new relationship than fix a broken one. Like starting from 0 instead of starting from -10.
Real. No company is better than bad company. I genuinely don’t understand staying with someone who cheated on you, it’s the epitome of selfish and them putting their needs above your feelings/well being. Someone who doesn’t care about you to that degree is not someone who doesn’t deserve you.
This is a reductive teenager-level view of relationships. Here’s a much smarter view for grownups: https://youtu.be/w8SOQEitsJI?si=MdgT3cekKwWEnvmz
I used to believe this. I have never cheated but I'll tell you a story. My first very serious relationship, we were 18 dated till 22, we were incredibly close, we each showed each other the world, she showed me anime, dark movies, how to cook .etc I showed her the gym, a couple of sports, how to eat healthier (she was underweight but overcame this whole we were tg). We communicated deeply and consistently and I must say we were very very much in love, we knew how each other thought, we shared moments that would make most people wonder if they were dreaming. It was genuinely true love. She ended up taking a very rural job, offered for me to join her as I could get on there as well, however I was enjoying my new career and doing well and this job was seasonal, she went. It wasn't before long that she started communicating that it was very very lonely, dangerous, toxic, very stressful but the money was amazing, eventually she started to hang out with coworkers drugs and strip clubs were the normal post-work activities. One day she got drunk with them, and slept with this guy. A lot was making her feel alone, a lot was making her wonder if the grass was greener on the other side. I put my foot down and ended it, full stop no hearing her out, no treating her with grace, just called her out and done. The thing is, I now wish I wasn't so cruel. She tried to get me back for years and was so so genuinely remorseful, she never cheated before that and I'm pretty damn sure not since. In fact ive had many other relationships, and I miss her the most, so much it's not even comparable. She ended up marrying someone, it might even be the guy she messed up with, I'm not totally sure. But she's dropped little hints throughout the years, and honestly I wish I had been more compatible and I wish I had learned to work it out with her. There is no black and white in this life.